How to Claim Your Anger | Being Well Podcast
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- Опубліковано 31 тра 2024
- Anger is one of the most complex, demanding, and difficult emotions we deal with on a regular basis. It comes with many costs to our bodies, relationships, and the world around us. At the same time, there is a vital energy associated with anger that is extremely powerful and, when harnessed effectively, quite useful.
On this episode, Dr. Rick Hanson and I explore the varied ways anger surfaces, how we can relate to it, and how in recognizing what it has to tell us we can channel its energy towards positive changes in our lives.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:10 Framing anger relative to other emotions
6:10 The three poisons
12:20 Useful aspects of anger and issues with labeling it as bad
22:50 Repression and not downregulating others’ emotions
27:50 Treating anger with respect rather than fear
29:45 What supports us in healthily claiming anger?
37:45 Characteristics that can predispose people to be angry
39:25 The Empty Boat and recognizing anger as an affliction against onesself
42:55 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
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🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson
Often I hear just the wrong with anger but life has shown me that when there is a bully on the playground so to speak, the only people able to motivate themselves to get off the sidelines and help are the ones who have a tap on anger. The smiley always pleasant "in control of themselves" persons are the ones who either stand and watch, form a committee or walk away but never get in and help and those people are the truly dangerous ones. I grew up in a family and community with that style of Christianity and now they can't figure out why there is so much trauma in the children. If you don't stand for something you fall for anything
Thank you for bringing up how unhelpful it can be to to redirect how people are feeling.
Not only is it a rejection of their expression (like how they are is distasteful, discomforting) but it's a decent indicator of codependency.
It looks good on the outside, like trying to help regulate a suffering individual, but often it's just rejection.
I'll admit that I'm struggling with this one. I'm feeling a strong urge to defend my rage and resentment around a very deep and institutional injustice that has beleaguered me since I was pre-verbal and was perpetrated by not only by my parents but by everyone in my entire support network in communities all over the US until I went no-contact with them all about 10 years ago. Of course, the consequences of cPTSD are mine to deal with, but the core injustices in my case are ongoing, even 33 years later, and now the people that perpetrated them are in positions of great power in the communities I grew up with. I wasn't able to access any feelings of anger at all, really, until I did an 18-month course of EMDR, and I never got a whole lot further than that.
These days, I count it as a huge victory that more often than not, instead of misdirecting my anguish and suffering and rage at the innocent bystanders in my life now, I've begun to throw the load of feces that was dropped on me as an infant back at the people who laid it. My ability to express that rage, from a personal perspective, and feeling into the ways in which I am justified in expressing it, is a mark of tremendous personal progress. It's not where I'd ultimately like to be; I'd love to find more sophisticated ways of processing emotions, but I've come to start interrogating the shame that rises up for me when I don't handle things 100% well.
The truth is that when we're talking about adverse childhood experiences and other events that cause cPTSD, there are vicissitudes to healing. It's tempting to isolate a relationship that went sour or an argument that didn't go the way you wanted it on account of a freewheeling expression of rage, and consider whether anger was "constructive" in that decontextualized circumstance, but I think it's incredibly important to understand that there are structures of systemic injustice and communal abuse that require a wide berth and long timeframe for healing. It's also true that sometimes people's feelings need to be hurt in order to provoke change, especially broader social change, and I really think we ought to examine why we tend to glorify peaceful resistance and stigmatize imperfect and disproportionate, but justified, expressions of fury. Sometimes deeply intimate harms require an encounter with deeply intimate rage.
I'm also much more willing to accept feedback and critique on this front than I used to be, and I think that if a deeply traumatized person has a choice between staying silent and meek and traumatized, or engaging imperfectly but being willing to be held accountable when things go too far, I'd almost always prefer someone choose the latter.
More broadly, I'll say that I really appreciate the work you guys do, and I get a lot of value out of your podcast, but there are times I wish you spent more time discussing the contingencies that things like PTSD, cPTSD, and other longitudinally consequential responses to deep harms present. My experience in life has been that most therapists are not trauma-informed, and in many cases I've had to become more educated about the physiology and treatment of trauma than the people who were supposed to be able to help me, and I wish that more practitioners started with an assumption that the "normal" day-to-day things people bring into therapy are perhaps less "normal" than they may think. I think therapists can tend to form opinions about what afflictions are plaguing people in general without considering the selection bias at play, namely, that in a great number of cases, the most traumatized people are the least likely to be able to afford or show up to therapy, and therefore they are less likely to ultimately paint an accurate picture of the particulars of human suffering to practitioners. That's all to say that I'm expressing a wish to the mental health community that we could perhaps begin to deal with PTSD and cPTSD as more the rule than the exception.
I love what you said and the detail you went into it. I find myself nodding along (as someone with cPTSD from childhood, racism, sexism, medical prejudice +).
I just adore Forest and his Dad! They are the Dynamic Duo in my life!
Want a brilliant podcast on an important topic.
I love the father/son combo.
It’s great to see such a functional family relationship creating a gift for people’s wellbeing.
Well done on a great production.
So far, I see Buddhism as a way to become familiar with, not suppress, my emotions.
Growing up in privileged, white, western culture, I learned to suppress and repress.
The newness of an Eastern view actually opens me up to change because of its strangeness.
Love listening to the Hanson men!
Excellent episode. It’s a keeper. Thanks!
Stunning take on anger. What a beautiful complex emotion. Happy to start integrating this knowing with my little boys rather than continuing to perpetuate the capitalization of anger by adults and suppression in children while also guiding them to find the wisdom within the energies of anger rather than leaking and harmfully expressing them
Great conversation! I wonder if there is some family genetics 🧬 making it either harder or in the process more meaningful to me. My ancestors on my fathers side where Huguenots, persecuted historically and so freedom of expression could easily have been thwarted from a large scale social conflict. That in turn could lead to internal suppression. So allowing and trusting, including validating my emotions has been helpful to me. Wether or not it’s genetic. Recapping all the different angles in this conversation, I have been able to give myself more of a grounding trust in myself. Thank you!
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And there is an interesting study 📖; discover that more than 35% from the management staff up to be CEO ,
Sharing three characteristics.
1-Manipulative
2-Aggressive
3-Criminal Background: most crimes undiscovered ⁉️…Finally Alec Murdaugh’s century trial reveals scary this fact ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️Who (Who is famous attorney lawyer from dynasty family )…killed his young son and his wife for 💰💰💰.
This is so insightful, I've listened several times and plan to go over it more. I'm surprised to see only 37 likes on the UA-cam feed, but imagine that is because these are mostly listened to via podcast. I wonder if you guys have done a deep dive on the emotion of shame? I'd be keenly interested to hear what you do with that topic. I love the level of scholarship that goes into these talks, but also the references to experiential work Rick alludes to, which can be such a valuable augmentation to talk therapy.
Thank you! And yeah, the overwhelming majority of our listens right now are through the podcast feed.
We're definitely going to do a focused shame episode in the future.
Loved the engine metaphor!
Your podcast is great! It is really helping me to process some sticky stuff and allow more space. Keep coming with the great content. You both are doing great work. 👍
illuminating, thank you
People are judgemental about anger. They use this judgement to shut you up.
Especially if you're a woman.
Il has been a pleasure to listen to this eye opening conversation! Thank you
I think the early Buddhist teaching about anger needs to be upgraded to align with the evolution of psychological growth that has developed recently in Western culture. In other words, anger is more sophisticated and useful at understanding and changing one’s Self. Buddhism by implication encourages suppressing it.
😢
So good
Au milieu d'une tempête émotionnelle, oh mon Dieu, comment je cherche à être validé
Cette expérience émotionnelle de grandes émotions
Colère ; haine, cupidité, délires ; se penche en avant vers une attaque
L'anxiété se retire après une attaque
In the middle of an emotional storms oh my how I seek to be validated
This emotional experience of big emotions
Anger ; hatred greed delusions; leans forward towards attack
Anxiety withdraws leans back from an attack
I have now listened to two of your videos. You both are well spoken and explain difficult concepts well. Thank you for sharing your ideas.
RE: 24:35 I have learned that the listener best apply SET which is Sympathy Empathy Truth. It gives the person in pain at least moment of relief that you are with them as opposed to easily jumping to a solution. I have been on both sides of this technique and feel it helps in emotional conversations.
That was really insightful! What a great conversation.
There is such a thing as a Healthy Anger. You NEED that in order to set an example..
What about anger vs boundaries. Sometimes I get angry when I haven’t set clear boundaries.
yes!
I am disabled, it's not easy. Painful too. But I look at how I could be alot more melonccholicc too, but I do recognise the that I have going for me, family, I'm learning to be a therapist, take my dog out, hobbies, friends and I will say I'm upset , and cry, and owning it, but not hurting what I love. And negativity and posivity go hand in hand..I tell people my feelings but not to start a fire but connect with honesty.
So my dog escapes his hareness, what do i do change the hareness or stop taking him out, keeping me indoors.. so i have to control some of the outside, cant use the park right now, my scooter will get stuck .but summer i can.. its all a balance in life
Thank you!🙏💝
Oh my, the point with the dopamine made me realize something. My whole family has ADHD. My husband is not diagnosed yet, my daughter is. (As I am). The both have an anger problem and the reward effect of dopamine makes so much sense. 🥴
I had this weird experience when I was 17 in which I was following christianity and I heard voices and had visions, I had to seperate myself from this because I no longer believe in God but since then I cannot control my anger at all. It's as if the part of me which was following christianity was also associcated with the part of me which controls my anger
Speaking of external locus of control, what about those who are genuinely angry because they are actually traumatized by and/or actively and objectively threatened by larger, e. g socioeconomic forces?
What about the abused person, or the laborer facing eviction with their children bc layoffs? Some anger is real, and doesnt reqlly have a place to go...
Poverty makes every taak 10 x harder, others create it, you can't control it. The creators do not deserve any ones empathy. Greed is not a mental illness. When you work and can't pay your electric and eat, you don't give a hot damn about the CEOs crappy marriage. You are never not anxious, exhausted, and in pain.
im an angry person. i would love to talk to you guys.
yah The therapist said something really horrible and untherapeutic. She didnt own it at all, she hid, meanwhile my life fell apart and I was kicked out of my home. With tragic devastating consequences for me. She was angry thats for sure. Blew me out of the water.
Frustration 😢🤯