I went No Contact with my Family of origin. But my DIL is a Covert Narcissist. She is the Gatekeeper to my Granddaughters! It’s a horrible situation. Please pray for me! 🙏🙏🙏
I live in France and went to my mother’s in England for Christmas 2023. My sister was going and I felt for her; wanted to support her. Then my sister got Covid and had to cancel. I was left alone with my mother. I had a bad time even though I had a hire car and an Airbnb house to myself and did my best to look after myself and keep boundaries. When I got back to France I was telling the story to a neighbour who had asked how it went. Her response was very simple: “You do know you don’t have to see family if it’s hard, don’t you? My own mother is toxic and I haven’t seen her since 1998. I’ve been much better since. You don’t have to do any of it.” It was a bit of an epiphany for me. I won’t do it again. I won’t feel like I have to go to support someone else and I won’t go and see someone I’m afraid of being with. I may go back to England at that time of year again in the future. But I’ll meet who I want to out in a restaurant or something instead and for a set amount of time.
You and me both. I've told my dangerous parent that I'd be okay with running into them at a large family gathering, and we can text about civilized things, because conversations just don't go well and I need to be able to decline to engage about certain topics. I know how to keep my mouth shut and stay unbothered, but it gets too awkward for anyone to bear when I just sit there not saying anything. Where's the fun for anyone?
Thank you for this. I’m spending Xmas at work this year. I picked up the night shifts for the eve and the day so I can avoid being alone. I went NC with my family in 2018.
Focus more on yourself and your own feelings. Then, the family member's feelings are not bothering you so much anymore. You are not responsible for them, they are. ❤
One thing I learned in Alanon was to decide beforehand what I would not talk about with family members before I called them or saw them. It was brilliant. I could see how sometimes they were baiting me, trying to pick an argument. Also, I am good with awkward silence. I just let the silence hang there, as in, "Okaaaayy. I'm going to let you go now because I have this or that appointment." One of the more useful pieces of advice I received.
I just posted a comment on another comment, saying it's to awkward for everyone when I just don't engage, but now that I think about it, nobody has had the audacity to get mad at me for avoiding blowup arguments!
I found that my attempts to change others' emotions from negative to positive it makes them more negative. I hope someday to finally stop taking on the emotions of others. It feels so dangerous to not though.
Absolutely true! It took me a while, but I think I finally learned that lesson that others are content with being miserable - and to try and change it will be deemed a threat by them.
I have a tried and trusted method for dealing with social gatherings that consist of people who are dysregulated and where there is a high risk to my peace of mind. It’s 100% effective, very simple, and saves time, money and heartbreak. I don’t go. I take my dog on a long walk and that makes her very happy. That happiness is infectious.
Friend, I have one word for you, “planthebestvacationever” Yep! You read that right. Make the announcement this year at Christmas that next year you will be taking a vacation at Christmas. Go right now and get your passport stuff ready and mailed out and start saving money my friend. You have one year to pick a location and choose your own adventure, the world is yours, go anywhere you want with whoever you choose (or alone, I do a solo vacation once a year and it is awesome) If they complain remind them that every year you spend time and money on their party and every year they complain so next year they are welcome to go make their own plans, but you will be on the vacation of a lifetime. And then actually GO ON THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME 💕💕💕💕
Great advice. My sister and I would start planning in August how we would manage the holidays. The whole family lived in separate towns and cities. That meant relatives wanting to spend the night and multiple breakfasts, lunches and dinners. We both worked at demanding careers too. (I took one Xmas off after my dad’s alcoholism was so bad the year before). My entitled brother hosted only once or twice in 50 years. It took us 25 years to get the courage to ask our family to stay in hotels. 😂 My dad died and I vowed to stop the torture when Mom died. She lived to 99! So my sister and I now enjoy the holidays together with our little families in our 70s and exclude our brother who has never forgiven my sister for setting a 2 day boundary for Xmas at her house. 😂 . This is a long story to say, don’t cast your pearls before swine. The longer you do this, the more they’ll expect it and the harder it will be to stop. If you feel you must include your family, include enough friends to neutralize the situation and have fun.
This is the best birthday video I could have asked for! Thank you for being one of the best gifts in my life! This year I wanna dive into the studies and be less codependent. It’s time!
I’m so sorry for your losses,❤Aussie prayers for you and thank you for sharing and literally saving my life.I am so grateful to you and your team .you are an amazing and inspiring woman I feel blessed to have found you.I am no longer alone.on bad nights I go to sleep listening to you just the sound of your voice calms me ❤❤❤
Thank you! Your words have helped me so much more than the many therapists I’ve seen over the years. Thanks to you I was able to really live again. I got so comfortable that I stopped doing the daily practices. Slowly the dis regulation started to creep back in. After a traumatic thanksgiving and more stress than anyone should have at one time. I’ve come back to your channel. Thanks to you I know I can regulate myself again by taking the time to do so. I know how you are definitely making the world a better place and I want to thank you for doing so. You deserve your success.
I've learned about narcissistic people and they pushed me into learning about these people because of the bullying, harassment, and abuse they put me under and this is the sort of thing they do and expect people to do is constantly try to help them regulate and be responsible for their feelings and their mental health issues, i was never into doing that which they hate a whole lot but this is seriously what they expect of people. It's why family members are like this that they put all these pressures and expectations on you when they shouldn't be doing this, families are so messed up these days but it's like they're a person too who can make their own decisions like Why don't they setup their own party? they CAN do this if they want to, but either they're being lazy and expect to dump it on someone else or don't want to spend the money on a party of whatever it is but it isn't okay to do that. It's also as if they're very afraid of being themselves and doing anything themselves so why they try to shift the responsibility onto others and then expect that of others, however defining a party as a big life responsibility is sad and i think they need to go develop some hobbies if planning parties is their only pride and joy. This isn't something people ordinarily do though like realistically most people don't go out of their way to regulate and constantly look after other people's needs not even family members, because there is a time when you get old enough to be able to start managing yourself. It's not up to us to constantly manage and regulate other people like How crazy is that some people think because they can't regulate themselves it's up to everyone else to do so?. But you'll never be able to please them because they constantly pick at every little thing you do anyway and they'll never be satisfied because of their mental health issues, these people are constantly anxious and depressed like seriously high levels of anxiety to the point of delusional thoughts and perceptions about the smallest thing you do. It's not alright for a fully grown adult to spend their lives babysitting a person that won't try to grow, evolve, and learn to look after themselves like we can't get them up, shower them, make them brush their teeth, go to work and earn money to survive, and all the other things they need to do to manage their lives it's impossible to help someone this lost. I think these people have never been told no in their lives too and it's why they think there's no consequences to their actions. So you can't be living like that it ain't right, realistic, or sane in any sense you have to stay in touch with the real reality that this is simply not how it works, and they'll try to ramp up your anxiety and pile on the abusive behavior to make you cave but in this world you sadly have to fight for your happiness so fight and don't get pulled into that.
For me, i dont like uncertainty within relationships. I dont get crazy or anything i just get turned off and remove myself. I have wasted enough time with selfish, narcissistic people that i have zero interest in it. I value my time and emotional well being too much. Theres nothing wrong with being selective
Uncertainty is no human's best friend and someone who is really negative or narcissistic they're chaotic if not have mental health issues they simply won't learn how to control it must be up to everyone to not trigger them somehow but we'll always end up doing so because they aren't all right in the head at all. Nothing they do has any logic to it because it doesn't they have no idea what they're on about ever even if they do and no matter what you say they'll still think everything you do is directed at them they're hugely mentally broken it's a shame but trying to do the same to others can't be forgiven.
My advice is dont have it a yours Go to a restaurant where you can leave when you've had enough of a cancel joy negative attitude 😊😊 Its not wotth the stress Hoping for a happy family? can't change them , be yourself , laughter is the best medication 💖
Families need healthy leadership especially ones that are broken by abuse and the abusive parts need to stop wile the other parts heal interesting to realize that were all kind of stuck in between. For those that are willing, education is a great tool.
I’m thinking about skipping Christmas but then I feel bad because some family is getting old. They’re not all bad but there’s still pain there. And I lost 2 elderly cats this year and don’t want to leave my 20 YO (cat) baby 😢been having worse anxiety lately
Oh no don't let them use that one on you that they're getting old another guilt trip there, my grandparents do it but it doesn't matter what age they are if you act narcissistic or entitled in any way their mind games are unwelcome. Don't feel guilty just because someone is getting old you're still a person with your own needs so you must attend to them first.
❤ Anna, you doing you... You being brave❤ You have opened my eyes better than any best friend could ❤ Owning my shame is a huge thing ❤ You're wisdom/life experience & sharing has helped me ten fold Thankyou ❤ Things like having a poor man's mentality - what? YES Me ❤ Limerence - wth 💡 Massive 💡 light bulb moment I've watched Oprah Winfrey Show ❤ Dr Phil etc... I'm nervous but ready to enforce my "boundaries" and reframing my image, as it were and lastly self care (baby steps) ❤ You continually touch my heart and give me hope and I'd love to saturate my daughter (21) with you wisdom She denies that limerence is applicable - she breaks my heart everyday, so I had to step aside. Hope claims she has CPDST from living in shared care from aged 4 Sigh I see Narsassist traits in her from Dad. Plus she's reactive, malice and addicted
I have come to realize that it’s best not to care what others think, but to do what I want, and feel is right and loving. It’s the time to think about the Savior and love him with all of our heart, might, mind and strength, and love and help others. The decorations are nice, but simple ones are totally adequate. The baby Jesus was born in a humble stable. I would rather think of others than fixing the house all up super decorated…clean with a few simple items is fine. I like a crèche (manger scene), a poinsettia and a pretty tree with lights and decorations that we all put up together. I do struggle with the dishes. They just never end, and no one else works on them. I like the stockings, but they got misplaced, but it’s not going to kill me. We may have what we get in the stockings anyway.
What support group can I join for Narcissistic/Dysfunctional Families? Are there any Zoom meetings? The holidays are stressing me too, and I’m hosting.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Brain chemistry plays faaaaar less of a role than Western culture acknowledges. Gabor mate traces this common fallacy (he knocks a lot of genetic arguments too) and eloquently posits his own theory on how trauma is integrated into the very fabric of our culture.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
No contact! It’s for your health and well being.. haven’t had toxic family in my life for decades.. it’s wonderful
❤
I went No Contact with my Family of origin. But my DIL is a Covert Narcissist. She is the Gatekeeper to my Granddaughters! It’s a horrible situation. Please pray for me! 🙏🙏🙏
@@MarissaMonroe-t8s perhaps some self reflection would be beneficial for you.
I live in France and went to my mother’s in England for Christmas 2023. My sister was going and I felt for her; wanted to support her. Then my sister got Covid and had to cancel. I was left alone with my mother. I had a bad time even though I had a hire car and an Airbnb house to myself and did my best to look after myself and keep boundaries.
When I got back to France I was telling the story to a neighbour who had asked how it went. Her response was very simple: “You do know you don’t have to see family if it’s hard, don’t you? My own mother is toxic and I haven’t seen her since 1998. I’ve been much better since. You don’t have to do any of it.”
It was a bit of an epiphany for me. I won’t do it again. I won’t feel like I have to go to support someone else and I won’t go and see someone I’m afraid of being with.
I may go back to England at that time of year again in the future. But I’ll meet who I want to out in a restaurant or something instead and for a set amount of time.
You and me both. I've told my dangerous parent that I'd be okay with running into them at a large family gathering, and we can text about civilized things, because conversations just don't go well and I need to be able to decline to engage about certain topics. I know how to keep my mouth shut and stay unbothered, but it gets too awkward for anyone to bear when I just sit there not saying anything. Where's the fun for anyone?
Thank you for this. I’m spending Xmas at work this year. I picked up the night shifts for the eve and the day so I can avoid being alone. I went NC with my family in 2018.
I use to do this until I became disabled. But I was expected to be there as well.
Focus more on yourself and your own feelings. Then, the family member's feelings are not bothering you so much anymore. You are not responsible for them, they are. ❤
One thing I learned in Alanon was to decide beforehand what I would not talk about with family members before I called them or saw them. It was brilliant. I could see how sometimes they were baiting me, trying to pick an argument. Also, I am good with awkward silence. I just let the silence hang there, as in, "Okaaaayy. I'm going to let you go now because I have this or that appointment." One of the more useful pieces of advice I received.
I just posted a comment on another comment, saying it's to awkward for everyone when I just don't engage, but now that I think about it, nobody has had the audacity to get mad at me for avoiding blowup arguments!
I found that my attempts to change others' emotions from negative to positive it makes them more negative.
I hope someday to finally stop taking on the emotions of others. It feels so dangerous to not though.
Absolutely true! It took me a while, but I think I finally learned that lesson that others are content with being miserable - and to try and change it will be deemed a threat by them.
I feel that ❤
I have a tried and trusted method for dealing with social gatherings that consist of people who are dysregulated and where there is a high risk to my peace of mind.
It’s 100% effective, very simple, and saves time, money and heartbreak.
I don’t go.
I take my dog on a long walk and that makes her very happy. That happiness is infectious.
I like how you build up to the solution
My life has improved a lot since I have learned how to set boundaries ...
You didn't break them, and you can't fix them.
Thanks for that.
Friend, I have one word for you, “planthebestvacationever”
Yep! You read that right.
Make the announcement this year at Christmas that next year you will be taking a vacation at Christmas. Go right now and get your passport stuff ready and mailed out and start saving money my friend.
You have one year to pick a location and choose your own adventure, the world is yours, go anywhere you want with whoever you choose (or alone, I do a solo vacation once a year and it is awesome)
If they complain remind them that every year you spend time and money on their party and every year they complain so next year they are welcome to go make their own plans, but you will be on the vacation of a lifetime.
And then actually GO ON THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME 💕💕💕💕
Great advice. My sister and I would start planning in August how we would manage the holidays. The whole family lived in separate towns and cities. That meant relatives wanting to spend the night and multiple breakfasts, lunches and dinners. We both worked at demanding careers too. (I took one Xmas off after my dad’s alcoholism was so bad the year before). My entitled brother hosted only once or twice in 50 years. It took us 25 years to get the courage to ask our family to stay in hotels. 😂 My dad died and I vowed to stop the torture when Mom died. She lived to 99! So my sister and I now enjoy the holidays together with our little families in our 70s and exclude our brother who has never forgiven my sister for setting a 2 day boundary for Xmas at her house. 😂 . This is a long story to say, don’t cast your pearls before swine. The longer you do this, the more they’ll expect it and the harder it will be to stop. If you feel you must include your family, include enough friends to neutralize the situation and have fun.
This is the best birthday video I could have asked for! Thank you for being one of the best gifts in my life! This year I wanna dive into the studies and be less codependent. It’s time!
Happy birthday!🎉
Happy birthday :)
You got this! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I tried to help my relatives after my dad died. I worked excessively hard to make great holidays. I was overfunctioning. It harmed my health.
I turned my back on my father - no calls - his anxiety is not mine!
I got both parents being undiagnosed
Tried and succeeded in breaking the cycle well so I felt
I’m so sorry for your losses,❤Aussie prayers for you and thank you for sharing and literally saving my life.I am so grateful to you and your team .you are an amazing and inspiring woman I feel blessed to have found you.I am no longer alone.on bad nights I go to sleep listening to you just the sound of your voice calms me ❤❤❤
The planet and “dark side of the moon” analogy is really helpful for me Anna. Thank you.
Thank you! Your words have helped me so much more than the many therapists I’ve seen over the years. Thanks to you I was able to really live again. I got so comfortable that I stopped doing the daily practices. Slowly the dis regulation started to creep back in. After a traumatic thanksgiving and more stress than anyone should have at one time. I’ve come back to your channel. Thanks to you I know I can regulate myself again by taking the time to do so. I know how you are definitely making the world a better place and I want to thank you for doing so. You deserve your success.
Thank you Anna! These words of wisdom are so helpful to all of us suffering people! Stay strong everyone ❤❤❤
I'm so glad the video was helpful! Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I just realized you are kind of doing AL Anon for us with theses videos.
My hats off to the writer. I would never be able to host family for the holidays. Holidays have always been so stressful. Buckle down friends.
Thank you for this❤
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I've learned about narcissistic people and they pushed me into learning about these people because of the bullying, harassment, and abuse they put me under and this is the sort of thing they do and expect people to do is constantly try to help them regulate and be responsible for their feelings and their mental health issues, i was never into doing that which they hate a whole lot but this is seriously what they expect of people.
It's why family members are like this that they put all these pressures and expectations on you when they shouldn't be doing this, families are so messed up these days but it's like they're a person too who can make their own decisions like Why don't they setup their own party? they CAN do this if they want to, but either they're being lazy and expect to dump it on someone else or don't want to spend the money on a party of whatever it is but it isn't okay to do that. It's also as if they're very afraid of being themselves and doing anything themselves so why they try to shift the responsibility onto others and then expect that of others, however defining a party as a big life responsibility is sad and i think they need to go develop some hobbies if planning parties is their only pride and joy.
This isn't something people ordinarily do though like realistically most people don't go out of their way to regulate and constantly look after other people's needs not even family members, because there is a time when you get old enough to be able to start managing yourself. It's not up to us to constantly manage and regulate other people like How crazy is that some people think because they can't regulate themselves it's up to everyone else to do so?. But you'll never be able to please them because they constantly pick at every little thing you do anyway and they'll never be satisfied because of their mental health issues, these people are constantly anxious and depressed like seriously high levels of anxiety to the point of delusional thoughts and perceptions about the smallest thing you do.
It's not alright for a fully grown adult to spend their lives babysitting a person that won't try to grow, evolve, and learn to look after themselves like we can't get them up, shower them, make them brush their teeth, go to work and earn money to survive, and all the other things they need to do to manage their lives it's impossible to help someone this lost. I think these people have never been told no in their lives too and it's why they think there's no consequences to their actions.
So you can't be living like that it ain't right, realistic, or sane in any sense you have to stay in touch with the real reality that this is simply not how it works, and they'll try to ramp up your anxiety and pile on the abusive behavior to make you cave but in this world you sadly have to fight for your happiness so fight and don't get pulled into that.
I have to live with my ass family but I have learned to focus on myself and stop trying to fix anyone. Only one I'm fixing is me
For me, i dont like uncertainty within relationships. I dont get crazy or anything i just get turned off and remove myself. I have wasted enough time with selfish, narcissistic people that i have zero interest in it. I value my time and emotional well being too much. Theres nothing wrong with being selective
Uncertainty is no human's best friend and someone who is really negative or narcissistic they're chaotic if not have mental health issues they simply won't learn how to control it must be up to everyone to not trigger them somehow but we'll always end up doing so because they aren't all right in the head at all.
Nothing they do has any logic to it because it doesn't they have no idea what they're on about ever even if they do and no matter what you say they'll still think everything you do is directed at them they're hugely mentally broken it's a shame but trying to do the same to others can't be forgiven.
Thank you ❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow I relate to this!!!
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Self-medication vs. Self-reliance
“People who don’t want peace” … that was an eye opener, thank you
My advice is dont have it a yours
Go to a restaurant where you can leave when you've had enough of a cancel joy negative attitude 😊😊
Its not wotth the stress
Hoping for a happy family?
can't change them , be yourself , laughter is the best medication 💖
Love your videos, Anna
If ambivalent emotions are part of the human experience, I believe that so is the joy of living in the present.
Thank you Anna!! You said so many things that touched my heart in this!!
Good topic
Excellent video! Lots of helpful info,
Families need healthy leadership especially ones that are broken by abuse and the abusive parts need to stop wile the other parts heal interesting to realize that were all kind of stuck in between. For those that are willing, education is a great tool.
I’m thinking about skipping Christmas but then I feel bad because some family is getting old. They’re not all bad but there’s still pain there. And I lost 2 elderly cats this year and don’t want to leave my 20 YO (cat) baby 😢been having worse anxiety lately
Oh no don't let them use that one on you that they're getting old another guilt trip there, my grandparents do it but it doesn't matter what age they are if you act narcissistic or entitled in any way their mind games are unwelcome. Don't feel guilty just because someone is getting old you're still a person with your own needs so you must attend to them first.
Boundaries... Boundaries... Boundaries!!
Good one
thank you
Good life lesson
Christine Albright
Thank you ❤...
❤ Anna, you doing you...
You being brave❤
You have opened my eyes better than any best friend could
❤ Owning my shame is a huge thing
❤
You're wisdom/life experience & sharing has helped me ten fold Thankyou
❤
Things like having a poor man's mentality - what? YES Me
❤
Limerence - wth
💡 Massive 💡 light bulb moment
I've watched Oprah Winfrey Show ❤ Dr Phil etc... I'm nervous but ready to enforce my "boundaries" and reframing my image, as it were and lastly self care (baby steps)
❤
You continually touch my heart and give me hope and I'd love to saturate my daughter (21) with you wisdom
She denies that limerence is applicable - she breaks my heart everyday, so I had to step aside.
Hope claims she has CPDST from living in shared care from aged 4
Sigh
I see Narsassist traits in her from Dad.
Plus she's reactive, malice and addicted
I have come to realize that it’s best not to care what others think, but to do what I want, and feel is right and loving. It’s the time to think about the Savior and love him with all of our heart, might, mind and strength, and love and help others. The decorations are nice, but simple ones are totally adequate. The baby Jesus was born in a humble stable. I would rather think of others than fixing the house all up super decorated…clean with a few simple items is fine. I like a crèche (manger scene), a poinsettia and a pretty tree with lights and decorations that we all put up together. I do struggle with the dishes. They just never end, and no one else works on them. I like the stockings, but they got misplaced, but it’s not going to kill me. We may have what we get in the stockings anyway.
I'm done!
We moved to a different state. Solved!
Will you write a 12 step workbook for limerance! Please!
What support group can I join for Narcissistic/Dysfunctional Families? Are there any Zoom meetings? The holidays are stressing me too, and I’m hosting.
WOW thank you 🩷🤍🩵
ALL the videos are sooo me.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
what’s the best 12 step program for this type of stuff? If substances aren’t the only or main issue
I need that kind of support group too!
ACA -- Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families
Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
❤
Brain chemistry plays faaaaar less of a role than Western culture acknowledges. Gabor mate traces this common fallacy (he knocks a lot of genetic arguments too) and eloquently posits his own theory on how trauma is integrated into the very fabric of our culture.
My comment disappeared.