This is Why You Can't Keep Your Boundaries
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- Опубліковано 3 жов 2024
- everyone knows how to say no, but many of you are not letting yourself do it because you're afraid of both what will happen and what it will mean about you if you don't. Having healthy boundaries can be tricky - especially if we've been socialized to always please and appease others, but when we do, we often end up feeling terrible. Here I'll teach you how to set and keep your boundaries.
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Best quote ever: Givers must learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any.
Sooo true!!
Something that took me too long to realize
wow, mind blown!
So very helpful! This was so difficult for me working in Ministry with "too many cooks" to answer to.
Trueeeeeee
I’m 56 and I’m Learning to set boundaries
Same here I'm 58 and still struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
I'm 65, and just learning to set boundaries......we're not alone, better late than never, etc. Bless you, Julia
@@carlluca6171 jealous people are not your friends. By setting healthy boundaries, you will attract new friends who respect your high sense of self and who do the same. You've got this! 💕
I'm 49 years old and heard the word boundaries for the first time when I was 40 years old in a spychologist office...
Unfortunately it took an other 8 years to really being able to apply healthy boundaries to my life (and still learning). I have allowed many people to use and abuse me my entire life up until 1 and a half year ago when I got out of a short intensive sadistic narcissistic abused (physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually) relationship.
I unfortunately had to learn the hard way... but Praise and Glory to God for saving me from this man and opening my eyes (better late than never...).
I now see clearly and humbly help some friends and sisters in Christ see as well the importance of healthy boundaries as well as to recognise the red flags of controlling people....
The bible say:
"But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
Matthew 5: 37 NKJV"
Some answers that I use when I don't want to answer a question straight the way as well as answering no politely are:
* I need to think about it; I'll get back to you on that in a couple of days.
* I need to pray about it first and I'll get back to you.
* Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't at this time, maybe an other time.
*Thank you for asking me, however its not something I am interested in getting involved at this time.
*As much as I'd like to help right now; I am... exhausted / busy / unavailable / not interested in getting involved at this time (use the one that is true at the time); but I pray that you will find the right person to help you.
*when doing a lunch gathering at my house: BYO drinks, my home is a "dry house" so please no alcoholic beverages.
As well as no smoking on the property, tgank youbfor your understanding & cooperation.
*Also, I have helped people in need in the past by offering them room in my house to stay in. So I have written a house rules (so they know what to expect from me and what I expect from them) and ask them to read them before accepting to move in. I also wrote a step by steps guide on how to clean their room and the rest of the commun areas and post it on the wall. I have found that it is easier that way as everybody as a different idea of standard of cleanliness, some people have never been taught how as well etc....and it helps everyone to come to a commun understanding.
* an other thing I do is when I ask someone for something or to help me etc... I realise that maybe that person does not have healthy boundaries; so to put them at ease, I explain that before giving me an answers, I need them to go away and think about it than get back to me. I also say to them that its ok to say no; that I would rather them say no to me than saying yes and yet do not want to do it. I explain that its best to say no if they don't want so that will give me a chance to find someone else who is interested etc...
Anyway 🙂 hope that might help
Blessings.
My goodness, it is not easy, with kids even worse 😱❣️ I try to use my inner compass or termometer, as soon as I get this tipical reaction I know it is lack of boundaries, and then I try to get in a superhero mood to save myself ( 😂 it is good to take off the heavy side of the situation and try to go with the flow... They are asking, I answer my stuff, my way, they have their right to try, I have the right to have it my way since it is my time, my money, my energy, my whatever right to do as I want in this case ... And if you manage to smile nicely it is done! Pat on your own shoulders 👍😅
I found that when I say "NO" I get "WHY NOT?" It used to be a circle of hell
because I said "NO". Now I say "I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU"
and I was accused of being rude. Also "WHAT PART OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"
They don't realize they're rude by continuing to pester me to get what they want.
I was given some great advice years ago instead of saying no say "I'd prefer not to". It's softer than "no", and you can continue to use it even when pushed to explain.
no, Is a complete question. :)
@@lynettepettitt655 wow this is a very good idea :)
I will say the following & keep in mind this is an INTJ talking:
***I take zero crap from anyone...not even police!!! I enforce my boundries with IRONWOOD STEALTH... IRONWOOD SHREDS CARBIDE SAW BLADES.***
A year ago, my neighbor (an overall good guy!!!) allowed the sister of a long-time High school friend to drive across country to move into his house after she instantly lost her job due to COVID shutting down Las Vegas. Initially I gave her a chance, but she soon proved herself to be a manipulate drunk, very lazy & equally arrogant!!!... So I backed up!!!
Over the summer, she lost 2 jobs, slept around rather indiscriminately, & tensions surfaced between her & my neighbor/property owner. Twice she banged on my door to let her in next door(I have a set of keys) because her hang-overs clouded her thinking(!!!) & she locked herself out. Multiple times I rescued his animals from her blatant stupidity.
Two weeks ago, my conversation with him illuminated the reality that he had also lost patience with her & wanted her gone... She was a willful leach, manipulative, sullen, & would do ANYTHING for a drink... Had cleaned out his liquor cabinet too!!!
Two days ago, my phone started ringing EVERY 15 MINUTES, beginning at 6:15AM...it was her. She hung up on my voice mail every time until 11:30AM, when her message DEMANDED I call her back the second I could- she wanted to talk to me about something!!! I was fuming by this point... I am a Private Contractor: all the while this was playing out, I was at a JOB for retired US ARMY veteran, who noticed my phone constantly going off but also noticed I wasn't answering it... At the vet's insistence, I took a short break outside in my hotrod, & texted the following message to the drunk:
"YOU are beyond REDICULOUS!!! I AM AT A JOB... US ARMY!!! This veteran is paying good $$$ for my UNDIVIDED TIME & ATTENTION. IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION, YOU CAN TEXT IT PLAINLY... STOP CALLING MY PHONE!!!😠"
The drunk instantly stopped. I found out later that night from my neighbor that my suspicion was on point- she wanted to move into my house!!! ***NO FREEKIN WAY!!!*** My neighbor told me his now unwelcome house "guest" has decided "I'm a nasty person!!!" We both laughed, but I did apologize to him for DOORSLAMMING HER... cause THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID!!! SHE AIN'T BRINGING HER SHITSHOW TO MY SACRED SPACE!!!..She has avoided me since.
So ask yourself... _Who do YOU need to DoorSlam???_ Think about it...💜
It's bizarre how they accuse you of what they just did. Being rude.
You just described my childhood. Boundaries were not a thing, we had to do what we were told and our feelings, opinions or thoughts were not considered
That's how both & my husband were raised, especially him being in a large, strict, Catholic family. I'm sure a lot of older people were raised similarly.
No wonder we are so confused about setting boundaries!
Same with me - my mother constantly bulldozed my boundaries- which led me to allowing myself to always get bulldozed by overpowering personalities and a terrible abusive marriage
"The root of a lot of anger issues is in a lack of healthy boundaries" Woahh. Never thought of it this way, but honestly it makes so much sense!!!
Yes that hit me hard also but it does make so much sense.
Yes hit me hard also...but so so true
Sometimes when you establish healthy boundaries-- the same 'rude' individuals start to become even more imposing and destructive. Sometimes it makes more sense to cut the relationship altogether.
True. One guy who measured my kitchen for renovation said ', you're easily influenced'. I felt very insulted and I corrected him.
Next day I told him I only wanted to hire him for a part of the job.
He then suggested to lower his price to convince me hiring him for the complete package. I said no I will do it like I said.
He replied OK.
I asked him for a proposal by email.
I haven't heard of him anymore.
He basically criticized me for being naive which is not his role to tell me in the first place as a stranger and professional bc he was here for a renovation job and I am the client.
I told him what I paid for my bathroom and he found it expensive.
Apart from the fact I probably paid to much he should not analyse me psychologically and the next day push me to do his way after telling him what I chose as a client
F. annoying!
I'm so done with rude brutal people.
I'm not perfect but I do not dominate with my needs or opinions.
If they are rude or upset when you set a boundary, then that is about them, not you.
@@cathycalrow2729 truth.
Many people will test your boundaries. It's sad, but it teaches you to be more resolute.
@@cathycalrow2729 Right. It also tells you what future interactions with them will be like. Crushing. Disrespectful. EXHAUSTING. They will play games to see how long it will take for them to 'win'. Get rid of them. People who challenge your boundaries are NOT worthy of being in your life. In any way. They are going to be more trouble than the paltry attentions they bring to your life are worth. This applies to family members, friends, and lovers (or potential lovers).
Healthy boundaries establish healthy relationships.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
@@juliakristinamah You always have a way of saying it better. I am with you all the way!
"You don't have to answer questions!" It's as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders! Thank you!
Thank you for your time and teaching.
May God bless you for the work that you are doing 🙂
I'm 49 years old and heard the word boundaries for the first time when I was 40 years old in a spychologist office...
Unfortunately it took an other 8 years to really being able to apply healthy boundaries to my life (and still learning). I have allowed many people to use and abuse me my entire life up until 1 and a half year ago when I got out of a short intensive sadistic narcissistic abused (physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually) relationship.
I unfortunately had to learn the hard way... but Praise and Glory to God for saving me from this man and opening my eyes (better late than never...).
I now see clearly and humbly help some friends and sisters in Christ see as well the importance of healthy boundaries as well as to recognise the red flags of controlling people....
The bible say:
"But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
Matthew 5: 37 NKJV"
Some answers that I use when I don't want to answer a question straight the way as well as answering no politely are:
* I need to think about it; I'll get back to you on that in a couple of days.
* I need to pray about it first and I'll get back to you.
* Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't at this time, maybe an other time.
*Thank you for asking me, however its not something I am interested in getting involved at this time.
*As much as I'd like to help right now; I am... exhausted / busy / unavailable / not interested in getting involved at this time (use the one that is true at the time); but I pray that you will find the right person to help you.
*when doing a lunch gathering at my house: BYO drinks, my home is a "dry house" so please no alcoholic beverages.
As well as no smoking on the property, tgank youbfor your understanding & cooperation.
*Also, I have helped people in need in the past by offering them room in my house to stay in. So I have written a house rules (so they know what to expect from me and what I expect from them) and ask them to read them before accepting to move in. I also wrote a step by steps guide on how to clean their room and the rest of the commun areas and post it on the wall. I have found that it is easier that way as everybody as a different idea of standard of cleanliness, some people have never been taught how as well etc....and it helps everyone to come to a commun understanding.
* an other thing I do is when I ask someone for something or to help me etc... I realise that maybe that person does not have healthy boundaries; so to put them at ease, I explain that before giving me an answers, I need them to go away and think about it than get back to me. I also say to them that its ok to say no; that I would rather them say no to me than saying yes and yet do not want to do it. I explain that its best to say no if they don't want so that will give me a chance to find someone else who is interested etc...
Anyway 🙂 hope that might help some of you.
Blessings to all.
Yes, that's a hard one to remember! But so freeing when you do!
Me too ... now a video on formulating response to avoid answering 😁
@@corinneperegrini6003 Girl, God Bless You for this awesome answer. I think you and I dated the same man. Was yours missing a leg and had a bald spot?? (Not kidding!)
@@JennJoans no, but I've realised that there are a lots of those kind of men out there...sadly...glad you're out of it.
This should be a required class for high school students.
Agree
Trueeee ,, everyone should take these classes even kids
Agreed!
Yesssss!!!!!!
Setting boundaries is not selfish, it is self-preservation.
We were not allowed to have boundaries........ Expressing a need or saying no was deemed ungrateful.
i know right. the audacity.
Ditto
Ugh. My childhood had aspects of this. I was not allowed to have boundaries. It was seen as being disrespectful so, guess what? My friendships and little romances were with jerks who saw me as an easy pushover. I'm still learning but it has been a lifetime of undoing what was 'taught' to me.
@@JennJoans you know the problem and you are working on it. stay strong and positive. :))
Or the one with “drama”... being direct is not dramatic.
When I don’t set boundaries I feel depressed and when I do set boundaries I feel anxious.
Same!
THIS!
I know but WHY Are you fearful of something? My opinion is that we need t autoanalyze WHY we get anxious, that might be some open wound You are carrying inside.......try and find a good therapist.
what are you making it mean when you set your boundaries? It's not the boundary setting that's making you anxious, it's your thoughts about the boundary setting that's creating the anxiety.
It's ok to feel anxious. It's a new skill. Give yourself time and patience. Learn to put yourself first A LOT. I've been through this and it is still hard at times and I am loads better than I used to be. Stay strong!!
I've learned to answer questions I don't want to answer with, "why do you want to know?" It shifts the interaction.
It does but also makes you sound suspicious and mean (is my worry)
Love it!!!
Ever get the reply..."Oh I was just wondering". (I've stopped 'visiting' with people in this world because it's not a friendly conversation when I do. It's actually nothing but an interrogation.)
I use to be a puppet on strings. The controller of those strings was my covert narcissistic mother. I never was taught or knew about having healthy boundaries. So, I had a broken record in my head that said over, and over, and over: gotta do it, it's my mom! Dealing with a narcissist, makes you feel like you're the crazy one. SO, when I learned about boundaries and tried to put them in place.......my mother PLOWED over them. What I learned about myself was, I was a people pleaser. Always worried what others thought of me. I'm still working on this today, but my narc mom is no longer apart of my life.
Completely understand! Having narcissistic parents sets us up for a longer journey in self-awareness. Congratulations 🍾🎈🎊 to you; know it wasn’t/isn’t easy. They installed a very effective ‘doubt’ button.
I am now going through the same thing.
@@hissyfitz7890 yep as we speak I'm struggling to block a man who I think or feel is fooling me in terms of being disrespectful by ignoring me after hunting me but when I asked him if he wants to to disconnect to let me know so I will close my door, he replied promptly with three words: I had flu.
I replied okay.
Now I feel sad again as if he's not considerate and apparently I'm not on his mind at all.
I'm practising my text message: I am not an option or a radio you switch on and off so I'm closing my door take care. Then block him.
But I can't do it......bc I like him, just not the selfish vague part.
Wondering if he's manipulating me or not...
Sighing.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 - Decided decades ago to ‘parent myself’ in this easy to understand way: imagine you are your daughter. Would you want ANYONE to treat her in any way that you currently find undesirable? Would you want HER to CHASE a man who treats her the way this person is treating you?
Here,have some warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
The "How are you feeling?" at the end. I so rarely get asked that. I'm feeling great, thank you.
Boundaries are SO HARD. People are always questioning when I throw up boundaries and it can be so hard to care for myself when people want to argue with me about MY BOUNDARIES. Thank you for a video that covers this topic. Super needed.
It took me over 20 years to stay true to my boundaries and my gosh, it feels powerful
Good comment n well done n I got 2 say I love yr name! Bless x😊
My last relationship was very unhealthy for numerous reasons, but one of which was not setting boundaries. I just set a boundary in my new relationship (my first one since then) and I'm so proud of myself!!!
Thats great!
2 points: First - People can ‘ask’ anything they want; what gets me is how PO’d they become when they don’t get the answer they desired. Secondly - lots of manipulators phrase things as a statement/directive instead of a question; that catches me off guard. BOTH show a profound sense of entitlement & I have learned deflection skills as a way of wrapping my head around this while processing the ‘veiled request’.
Finally: some of us were raised to believe that we are not ALLOWED to have boundaries.
What really pisses me off is when I walk into a room full of other people and someone says “maybe Irene will do it” If someone wants something from me I want them to ask me directly. Next time it happens again, I’m going to say “ if you have something to ask me, ask me. Or better yet I’m going to reply “I don’t think Irene will do it.” If they want to speak to me that way , I will respond in the third person.
@@westcoastvibes1193 Good on you for standing up for yourself
When you address this person
Take a deep breath
Look them in the eye
And say No I Will Not!- calmly and slowly -indoor voice
Good luck!
@@margaretkolcze8355 good advice yes it works nice 1 Bless x
Some cultures expect complete submission ...to older family members , to those in authority etcetera
I like this. I don’t keep my boundaries. And tonight I exploded, well, went off. And it is because I bottled my feelings up. This could have been avoided, by keeping my boundaries!
Same! And after exploding comes the terrible guilt
I’ve never set boundaries and I end up feeling resentful towards people. I have always taken on other people’s problems like they were my own but just turn around and resent them for not doing it themselves.
I’ve ruined so many relationships due to my anger. I know now to set boundaries and if they don’t like them they can shove off, I have the right to say no.
Thank you for your insight it really has helped me understand this problem I’ve had for most of my life.
I have thought that enforcing my boundaries was selfish; and experienced resentment. So true!
I like the part about its ok to not answer a question that is asked and the guilt vs resentment of saying yes when you want to say no.
Omg. You just showed me where I mostly stucked in my relationships. Gamechanger. So tired of victim conditioning. I am done with that. Thank you!
I never knew how to have healthy boundaries. I am learning now at 48 years old.
This is exactly what I needed to hear... I’ll be listening to it everyday until it REALLY clicks.
Like a few other here, I grew up without being able to set boundaries. My parents are both narcissists and because I didn't know how to do anything but apologize when things went wrong I married a covert narcissist and now I am starting to deal with that at the age of 59. I know that my 2021 is probably going to worse than my 2020, because I am putting together my escape plan for when I start to enforce my boundaries the way I should have from the beginning. Fortunately, my kids are all grown up and out of the house. Wish me luck.
I'm wishing u LOADS of Luck , ok xx go 4 it breathe again n enjoy d rest of yr life u done yr bit 4yr sprogs now u live Bless x👍👌
The Lord Jesus help you out safely and not to be harrased by anyone you don't want.
Wishing you all the very best !
I escaped quietly to avoid any violence ... if it's a concern , take careand be safe !
"Making a mistake doesn't make you a terrible person. Messing something up doesn't make you a failure of human being." Your video is amazing, thank you.
Definitely have issues setting boundaries and end up building resentment. I think I tell myself I’m trying to keep an open mind and trust the other person but deep down something doesn’t feel right. I then question myself and my motives instead of just accepting the how I feel
N den u end up going round in circles break dat chain n see how dat feels! Bless x 😊
@@rudiehull1446 yup! Those circles are not fun either. That chain from my previous relationship is just about broken and it feels pretty amazing.
YUP...I have always thought having bounderies means that I am selfish. Thanks for clearing that up!
I've been changing rapidly lately. I've stopped drinking and smoking and I'm seeing my self worth. I'm terrified of setting and enforcing boundaries as I don't want people to leave me. I know I have to, and there are people in my life that I let walk over me, but every time I've stood up for myself I push someone away no matter how polite I am about it!
I’m Kyndale and Julia Kristina is amazing. She can really simplify and communicate these life skills so beautifully!!
Love having you here Kyndale. How are the Healthy Boundaries going?
@@juliakristinamah definitely felt like your class was a turning point. I think I’m making progress and I’m reaping the rewards. 🙏🏼❤️ thank you for everything you do.
It's amazing how people react to you when you admit to your mistakes and own you own stuff!!
This is great advice unless you've already tried talking to the person and get a blank stare, no response, and nothing changes.
Then you have to let them go.
This kind of person does not respect you so let them GO
Better to have few good friends than disrespectful losers in your life
all of this is life changing! i need to watch over and over - for me the realisation i would rather feel resentment than guilt is a big one
When she says "We'd rather feel resentment than guilt," I guess it's a bit off... "We feel that the other person should know better than to put us through this" feels like a better descriptor. We harbour resentment based on that thought/belief.
Man the idea of shaming and blaming myself connected so much! Often i think it’s my habits I have learned like i must “fix-it” or “peacekeeper” mentality. I want to be a peace maker and not keeper. Idk, i feel often I make things worse with my frantic, I must fix the situation and not have conflict, actions.
I very much like what you said: that you want to be a peace MAKER, but NOT necessarily a peace KEEPER.
I was told I was selfish or ungrateful if I asserted boundaries with my mother as an adult. I don’t listen to her anymore. I had to leave the relationship because she went too far even with my no. Also, I was treated as my I’m sorry didn’t mean anything. My mother held things over my head from my teen years long long after I became an adult.
The word NO is a full sentence.
@@brighida100 I understand that but the woman didn’t.
@@Claymoreinurface Well it is more important that you do. Since it is about your wellbeing
I fink u know dat u r stronger I wish u well in d rest of yr life n happiness go get dat oyster waiting 4u
@@brighida100 Very True good observation
I feel guilty having healthy boundaries with my npd mother, true what you said about resentment & guilt. Thank you, making so many connections. I appreciate the shift of perspective.
This is so spot on on so many levels especially the subtle manipulation of making others feel bad because of not being able to set a boundary, or the self flagelation going into poor terrible me, so the other feels bad!!
All of them mentioned affected me as I know I need to practice healthy boundaries
Boundaries changed my life Jennifer so I want everyone to get them so they can see how much freer life is on the other side.
I needed to hear this today...I stood up for myself and told my Narcissist Spouse I'm tired of him treating me like a doormat and how others in his family are concerned about his anger, drinking and depression. Now I'm the Angry person and he's the victim.
Brilliant Julia,
as yes my worst is answering questions. My head is saying " none of your *** business"! But my mouth just splutters around talking too much & I end up feeling why did I tell them all that info. At same time my brain is racing trying to find a way of not answering without being rude.
Love n kindness to you 💖
Yep, same here 😊
All of this! 🙌🏻
I hear you - giving ourselves full freedom of choice means we have a lot of mind managing to do first.
This is me too.
I hear you Julie. I've been there. You can do it. You can. Don't be rude, just briefly reply and look around. Ha ha. Like you're in deep thought.
The more you practice being you, the easier it is to be in a crowd and just chill and not care what anyone thinks. Its great.
I've fallen foul of feeling I have to answer questions I don't want to - sometimes very personal questions. Then when my 'incomplete' answer is considered insufficient by the questioner, they push harder. When I learned to hold fast my boundary from the start, I tussled far less! Even if the questioner seemed put out.
Thanks for sharing this video.
Yes, I feel selfish when I set boundries.
I finally started lovimg myself & learned how to not be the people pleaser my "childhood" taught me to be. I just left a relationship of almost a decade because I started MAINTAINING boundries. When he actually said out loud that I was responsible for his emotions I understood that things would never be healthy.
Yes, I AM someone that says yes & resent the person I said yes to. I don't so this very much any more. I'm learning.
Thank you for this video💗
PS- My name is Lisa, I am an empath & light worker that also happens to be an alcoholic addict in recovery. Years is what it had taken to find the answers about myself. 12 steps is all it took, but those 12 steps took a very long time. MOSTLY because I didn't recognize i was still in unhealthy relationships with people IN recovery right along with me. Progress not perfection. Had to look outside recovery for different kinds of answers. Not all my questions can be answered from the earthly plane mindset
We don’t set boundaries because we’d rather feel guilt than resentment. Which is more selfish? That blew my mind, I needed to hear that! Thank you!
I am so very thankful for coming across you. I am 9 days away from turning 50 and I have spent my whole life being a people pleaser and doing everything I can to make everyone else happy. Thank you for all you do for everyone I truly appreciate you and all you do . Thank you.
I have many times set boundaries and often taken them back. I have changed that . No more . Resentment destroys the soul
OMG literally the whole video resonated but point about feeling guilty hit close to home. I associate people pleasing so close to love and closeness that when I fall short of the mark I immediately thing people won't love or want to be around me if i am not perfect all the time. I become the burden in the relationship. Thank you for doing this video.
I think it's ok to ppl please the right ppl, or if u want to, but don't do it to the wrong ppl or if u don't want to. But yeah, the video made sense. Basically, u have the right to ask or not, and other ppl have the right to respond or not.
Wow this really opened my eyes! So thankful for this lady and all people on you tube that are helping millions of others to improve their lives. Thank you 🙏
Feel resentment rather than guilt is soooo true! Feeling guilty is so bad and real!
2:38 Definitely. People hate when you don’t give them what you want. They hate when you finally catch on
I was raised to believe that having boundaries meant we were being selfish. That being that way is not being giving and charitable to those who need that.
This hit home today. Just last night I was in a situation where my friend asked me to remove my mask while visiting with them, and then offered me a hug and I just went along with it. I don't resent her for it because I know I should've spoken up, I'm such a spineless people pleaser, lol. I may have to take your course.
Good for you for taking responsibility for your choice. And yes! Let's get you in the drivers seat of your own life.
This is a really good and relevant example right now.
I had a friend who kissed me on my facemask....i was so upset and when i spoke up he replied that it was a little mistake... no. You scared me. He later gave a proper apology and gave me flowers....!
@@kimosabe818 Damn awkward or wot?! Erm,... .. . Buy him a bunch of daisies n see if he gets d hint?!! Lol!
Hardly funny thou a!? I get ya I'm paranoid as shopping even more awkward in d self check outs! Eeeek!😐
As with so many of your videos, you touch on so many of my issues. I definitely have a hard time saying no. I get upset when I give and give and give, and they aren’t willing to ever give back to me. But really, the problem is mine for never saying no..
This was very eye opening for me. Made things clearer for me. Thanks! I struggle with saying no then feeling resentment towards that person!
Thank you for your time and teaching.
May God bless you for the work that you are doing 🙂
I'm 49 years old and heard the word boundaries for the first time when I was 40 years old in a spychologist office...
Unfortunately it took an other 8 years to really being able to apply healthy boundaries to my life (and still learning). I have allowed many people to use and abuse me my entire life up until 1 and a half year ago when I got out of a short intensive sadistic narcissistic abused (physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually) relationship.
I unfortunately had to learn the hard way... but Praise and Glory to God for saving me from this man and opening my eyes (better late than never...).
I now see clearly and humbly help some friends and sisters in Christ see as well the importance of healthy boundaries as well as to recognise the red flags of controlling people....
The bible say:
"But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
Matthew 5: 37 NKJV"
Some answers that I use when I don't want to answer a question straight the way as well as answering no politely are:
* I need to think about it; I'll get back to you on that in a couple of days.
* I need to pray about it first and I'll get back to you.
* Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't at this time, maybe an other time.
*Thank you for asking me, however its not something I am interested in getting involved at this time.
*As much as I'd like to help right now; I am... exhausted / busy / unavailable / not interested in getting involved at this time (use the one that is true at the time); but I pray that you will find the right person to help you.
*when doing a lunch gathering at my house: BYO drinks, my home is a "dry house" so please no alcoholic beverages.
As well as no smoking on the property, tgank youbfor your understanding & cooperation.
*Also, I have helped people in need in the past by offering them room in my house to stay in. So I have written a house rules (so they know what to expect from me and what I expect from them) and ask them to read them before accepting to move in. I also wrote a step by steps guide on how to clean their room and the rest of the commun areas and post it on the wall. I have found that it is easier that way as everybody as a different idea of standard of cleanliness, some people have never been taught how as well etc....and it helps everyone to come to a commun understanding.
* an other thing I do is when I ask someone for something or to help me etc... I realise that maybe that person does not have healthy boundaries; so to put them at ease, I explain that before giving me an answers, I need them to go away and think about it than get back to me. I also say to them that its ok to say no; that I would rather them say no to me than saying yes and yet do not want to do it. I explain that its best to say no if they don't want so that will give me a chance to find someone else who is interested etc...
Anyway 🙂 hope that might help some of you.
Blessings to all.
The feeling of being compelled to answer questions for me isn’t about worrying about how the asker feels, but it’s just some reflexive ingrained habit. Maybe in my formative years, I was admonished to answer, but it will take a lot of effort to practice not automatically reply. It will be freeing.
Bingo ! Took me a long time to realize this concept of feeling guilt or resentment. I waa not taught boundaries as a child. I am so thankful I now can be more authentic and myself and say no. It is freedom in this! And it may take folks who are not used to your new healthy ways and you get push back. Stand your ground, its usually the more toxic ones who don't want to respect your new or old boundaries. This has been my experience. It get easier and as I said it is freedom! God Bless!
I love that phrase I am not responsible for someone just to them.
Boundaries includes respecting the boundaries of others too.
I sometimes learn this the hard way....
My name is Drake Gagarin and I've been watching and sharing all your videos that made me keep up with my current difficult situation. Your tips and teachings made me a stronger person . Kudos to you! Keep it up Julia!
My question is how do you deal with someone who doesn't respect boundaries once you say no? If they keep asking you and you keep saying no? Should you leave the relationship? Explain yourself again? Raise your voice so they will respect you?
This video is incredible. You hit the nail on the head with your talk on resentment. Then the talk about trying to control other people’s feelings with our over apologising, showing us that we’re being manipulative 🙌🙌
I’m going through a painful breakup after a 2 year chaotic situationship. I took out my resent and anger on my ex and had to get to the bottom of it. This video opened my eyes and is giving me the peace and stability I needed while I grieve and the lesson I needed to learn so I can prevent investing so much in someone that didn’t invest in me. I blamed him because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I could’ve gracefully accepted what he had to offer and instead I wanted him and him to change- I was selfish and rude because losing him was harder than staying in a relationship that was breaking me down. I’m so relieved at this revelation with the help of your video. It’s life changing really. So thank you❤❤❤
I liked the correlation between resentment and guilt, meaning some people are reluctant to set boundaries. But, I think this goes deeper to the ideas of power and control, too. Resentment means one can feel ‘in control’ of a situation. While guilt can feel like something inflicted by others and therefore disempowering. For those who never learned to set healthy boundaries, or endured trauma, resentment feels like the default power position. In reality, both resentment and guilt are two sides of the same dysfunctional coin. Learning to say NO and set respectful boundaries, without guilt, or resentment is the key to true healing. Thanks for exploring this topic so expertly.
I'm Deana and I just discovered Julia today and I love her and everything she has to say. Really hits home. This past year has been very challenging for me and a lot of what she says I need to incorporate in my life.
The more time you spend with Julia (in her corner of the internet) the more opportunity you have to gain and use the tools you need to take responsibility for your happiness and you will become healthier and happier. She has been a guiding light to my life the last 18 months! Whenever I feel myself slipping I jump on and find a gem like this video to keep myself balanced and moving forward to a better state.
Not having good boundaries is so annoying! Ugh. How do we (I) get like this? I remember so many times I would see my mother doing stuff she did not want to do and she was very resentful. I love learning about boundaries and I really love the word NO. I just need to say it more. The guilt / resentment thing you brought up was interesting. I keep saying yes. Yes, I will loan you money while secretly not being comfortable with it. Why!? Oh my gosh! I don't want to loan anymore anymore money! Seriously. I am not a bank. At least banks get interest!
Thank you for this video.
I struggle with boundaries, especially in romantic relationships, because I feel I am not pretty enough to say no.
I feel if I say no to a potential partner, they will just move on and I will be left alone.
Pretty on the inside? Believe me - beauty has nothing to do with this even if you think so.
If tgey moved on n left u alone u r d stronger 1 n they were NoT right 4u my dear Bless xx being on yr own is NoT a bad fng it helps u 2 sit bk n survey n notice more always take d time 2 sit on d side n review xx hope dst helps Bless 😊
You hit the nail on my head about resentment and exploding then ghosting or walking away. It exactly happened in that pattern.
Julia, awesome on highlighting we don’t ’need’ to answer questions just because we are asked. Seriously, when I figured this out it helped we wrestle with the all too frequent question people asked of me - often before my name even, just because I have a visible disability. The question was/is ‘ what’s wrong with you?’ I learned - if I did ‘choose’ to answer I’d start with a bit of subtle education. “There is nothing wrong with me … but I do have blab blab disability.” Of course, this is the sort of counselling work I did for years in the field of disability. Clearly, it applies across the board.
Oh god, l definitely made that mistake by answering people's questions dispite the huge discomfort it brings.
Thank U! I just stopped a relationship because of all of that disrespect from him, I felt so bad to say no and had no Idea how to talk to that man who has needs and he made me feel like a bad person, cause I got mad and then he called me cracy and told me to seek help!
Thank you so much. Falling appart here, struggling with boundaries, anxiety and worries over others, especially one of my sons. Just found you. Exactly what i need to hear and learn. Im recovering from chronic illness.
Thanks for this, Julia. A lack of boundaries does make me feel terrible
I've lived alone for decades and have thick boundaries, too guarded. But my LDR of 3 yrs wants to talk 12-20 hrs on the phone (7 hr time zone diff) and it's so hard to hang up. During the pandemic he's coming unhinged. I don't want Covid to break us up. He's important to me. Thank you. 🥀🌼
Amen this "needs" to be in local high schools everywhere!!!
5:03...Yes. Right.
So this is an idea that I learned to embrace as an adult. It took a lot of practice and focus. We are trained from a young age to not set boundaries.
One of the early examples in my life was when I was ten my mother pressured me to get saved and baptised in a church we started attending and even though I didn't agree with it I wanted to avoid the nagging. (...nagging happened anyway because of goalpost moving) ...but I've had regrets my whole life that I didn't make a stand at that young age.
People say, well I was young, and yes I was, but I did have the fortitude to stand and I regret that I didn't. It's always bothered me.
When I was 7, I was asked to get baptized, but I told the nice
young man that I didn't think I could promise God that I'd be
good after that and I needed more time to think about it.
@@cymbolichuman433 awesome!
I definitely have issues with boundaries. You start off hitting the nail on the head!
Hello, My name is Shir and I am from Israel. This is the first video of you I am watching and I gotta say I wrote down almost EVERYTHING and I reflected and recalled situations from my previous relationship where I had those difficulties saying no and now I understand that I have every right to say NO! thank you so much, I am planning on watching more of your videos!
It's ironic that my latest boundary is not being responsible for my families weak boundaries. So many of their issues stem from lack of healthy, strong boundaries.... but I tried and exhausted myself for so long and nothing was ever absorbed. Not anymore.
What you said about making a mistake and not having to stay in regret and shame and guilt that’s huge for me because I have made big mistakes and you saying that you can just say you’re sorry validate and MoveOn without sitting in it forever that’s huge for me.
I loved how you compared the feelings of resentment and guilt! I never thought of it like that
I love this incredible corner on the internet. Thank you for making a difference
I was taught to be responsible for other people's feelings and state of mind at an early age. Getting pulled aside for the talk about how I was affecting a parent's feelings was a tactic used to change my behavior as a child. Since I was a kid who was terrified of doing anything wrong, I believed it.
People PUSH things! People push to get their way. It is THEM! People take ADVANTAGE of nice people, DO NOT forget that people are SELFISH!
You are a wonderful professional and human being!
Thanks for so much!
i am going to listen to this over and over....ooooohhhh how timely with the drama I managed to get mixed up in recently because I haven't been holding my own good boundaries.
Just yesterday, I was asked a questioned that I did not feel I needed to answer. And honestly didnt feel it was information that they needed to know or rather,, be concerned with. But I answered anyway and woke up still questioning why I even answered in the first place. Your video has brought so much clarity.
The yes person is destructive, it cost me dearly. I questioned myself, because of asked and my asking upset someone until they lost it. I felt I was wrong, but now I know I'm not. However this has forced me to really evaluate things. For that I'm actually grateful. This video was very timely for me. Ty
I have had this issue of feeling "I have to answer people's questions"... they don't ask things of me but about me, such as very personal questions from complete strangers, which are inappropriate & intrusuvez completely violating my boundaries. I start stammering, feel weak in the knees & helpless & powerless.... I am aware of it & don't know what to do. Plus I'm not in control of my reaction until afterwards I think of how I reacted. Thank you for staying that, nobody ever has stated that . I think it must be a deep seated issue within me. I don't know what will happen if I don't , but I feel something terrible will happen....I'm thinking maybe I have a past life issue, as it feels very deeply seated.
I have learned more today from your video than 15 years of counseling. Great explanations, great examples. I did not know what boundaries were until three years ago. This year, I finally have created my own. While I still struggle, your video will help me in those circumstances. So grateful that I came upon this.
Thank you! I realized after knowing Best how to take care of myself better. I had people close to me say ‘You need to think of others b4 yourself’ 🤔I have a lot more to grow & learn to Free Myself today!
Having *Healthy Boundaries* is Amazing Positive Step! YES! 🤗😎❤️👍🏼🌱Be Safe All!
This is great! You're talking about real issues in a helpful, articulate way.
I am a beginner when it comes to boundaries and in my mind I have made people who have boundaries out to be mean, antisocial or rude. I'm happy to be on the path to having more healthy boundaries and not judging others for theirs. Love your content. Thank You!
One example of the "right to ask/right to say no" thing is your premium content. You can offer additional resources that you have created and people are free to support you and get these resources or not.
Watching again this because it is so good for me all my life feeling this way. I was raised up pushed away and mocked by mother and I can’t work as a result of being stressed out. Holding my wishes to make others like me I lost big time.
This is exactly what I need now. I feel more free already just hearing two of Julia Kristina's videos
I like the saying;
I'm responsible for what I say, you are responsible for what you hear.
That helped me to remember that in some difficult situations with toxic people.
"My boundaries were crap". LOL 🤣 EXACTLY!!!!
Your videos have helped me considerably in establishing healthy boundaries with the people, and I can't thank you enough for that!! I hope you're having a great week so far