All 5 for nearly 50 years believing it was me. When he took his last breathe, I was finally able to be free. However I wasnt. I was left with guilt and shame, hatred and bitterness. I’m working so hard to break free from that now. Jesus be with me .
We were duped. We came from homes that abandoned us as children. That little child figured "well, if I'm good enough the pain will stop." So we married someone to prove we were worthy of love and spent 50 years trying to please them, earn their love, and be good enough. None of it "worked". Jesus takes our shame; don't keep it. It was never yours; it was theirs. Covered by His blood, God sees us without shame! Good enough!! Leave the shame at the cross! You were never intended to carry it. It was all a lie!! you're free now! I understand. Been there 50 years myself!! HUGS!
(Janice) Living for 51 yrs with a "partner" like you have described has been a literal nightmare. He even told me that God was not gong to send me help because HE is my Savior. That was the last straw. We continue to live in the same house. But, I stay in my room much of the time. I do not have my own transportation. But, my daughter has moved in with me and can see what has been going on. She has been so much support for me. There will be a day when I will leave. And, I will know when that is. Thank you so very much for helping me see more clearly. Before, this video, I was absorbing the guilt he was dishing out. I almost lost my mind (and, health) from the stress. I did lose my identity. Now, I'm going to work at freeing myself even before I actually leave.
You're lucky. My adult children aren't willing to help. According to them "it's your business" ..."I don't want to know"...."we are not equipped to help, get marriage counseling". Daughters are in their early 40s. We have been married for 47 years. I never openly discussed about our ugly marriage with them ever. I am a person who is destroyed
@@Goodnews99457 sorry to hear how you are struggling in your marriage. I can see why your children would be hesitant to help.... It really a decision only you can make. Perhaps think of what may be hindering you from getting the help you need and work on them. Financial stability or lack thereof is a major reason women stay in abusive marriages... Is that something you can work on?
Wow, my ex-husband did almost all of these bad behaviors listed in this video during our 18-year marriage. I remember being so confused and even considered buying a discrete recording device to record all of our conversations. Almost all of the agreements we made were ignored and I was told the agreements were never discussed or made - including our parenting agreements. I came home from a grueling business trip one evening, and he was feeding our twin 4 year olds (who have ADD) chocolate donuts for dinner. I had very little free time for myself over the years and he expected me to do all of the parenting, all of the housework, and I also had a career. At one point, he angrily shouted during dinner that he didn't like the upscale French bread I purchased at the grocery store. He wanted French bread from a specific French Bakery in the trendy part of town. I finally said, I don't have time to add another task to my workload. If you want fancy French Bread from that bakery, you'll need to add that to your workload. He was furious. He always felt entitled. A few years later, I finally gave up, and my children and I moved out.
God bless you. Thank you. You have helped me to see that while I've never been hit or slapped or pushed, I am the wife of an abuser. I've always been. May the Lord help me through this and help me make a decision. 😭 41 years of marriage. 50 years together.
I empathize completely with you. I pray that over the past year, you have been strengthened in your walk in truth with the Lord. I could not recognize or admit that I had been abused over two and a half decades of marriage. I didn't understand the signs of abuse until Leslie gave me the insight and a vocabulary that described the mistreatment. I rationalized that one slap and one shove and one wrist twist did not count as physical "abuse" if each happened many years apart. All along, the emotional mistreatment was manifesting in physical terms with stomach, heart, head and insomnia symptoms. I even saw a physician, with my ex, seeking a cure, thinking the symptoms were primarily work related; only they continued after I left my profession to concentrate on my homemaking and family. Leaving the abuse, once the Lord showed me a safe path forward, was liberating and life saving. Praising Him every day for his infinite mercies, and thanking Him for Leslie's Godly counsel and wisdom! Asking Him to guide you forward toward a brighter safer future of healing.
This has helped me to recognise that all those feelings I was experiencing were wrong, several years of the slient treatment and many more you have mentioned in your video. My 26 year marriage had all the signs from the beginning but I meant my husband when I just 17 years old, and married at 25 years old and then became a born again believer at this stage of life which made me try to ignore what was happening to me. The slient treatment became unbearable when he moved into my sons bedroom when he went off to University, he didn't speak to me for 7 months from that day, showing my youngest teenager that he didn't want to be around me. I decided during this time and through the insight of your video's no amount of marriage counciling was going to help, we tried that for many years and it always came down to everything being my fault. I have now finally moved out, which has been extremely difficult but I could not continue anymore. He has now trying to turn my younger son from me but I am trusting the Lord for this to turn around for the good. Your videos have been such light to what has been a really dark path. Thank you so much, your are such a blessing to women like me. Please continue your amazing work.
There is a UA-camr who is a professional communications coach, Dan O'Connor - I can't recommend his videos strongly enough! Life-changing. He has a tactic on one of his videos about communicating with "difficult people" called The Clarifying Question. Anytime I use one of these when one of these people tries to zing me, I get a 2-3 day vacation with their silent treatment "punishment". I've only had to use it a few times and my main person who does this picked up on it and stopped zinging me this way. What a relief!
Some of us need the longer content because its filled with examples and real life scenarios that are a HUGE help. Thank you for being so thorough. I could keep listening forever! So much great material very needed.
When they lie, silent treatment, ignoring, disengaging, doesn't want to communicate, avoiding me , never says he is sorry, gaslighting, has laughed behind my back, never had my back only a knife to my back, he doesn't care at all, he is emotionally not there, never dealt with his trash, stonewalling help😮😮
1 time he made fun of my intelligence or cooking ability - while I served super to him & our children soon after we were married, including my step daughter, who laughed with him at me. I asked, "Do you think making fun of me with my step daughter inspires our children's respect for me?" Never. Did. That. Again.
One lady I know's husband got on her so much for being "over sensitive" that she finally told him, "Maybe I am too sensitive - for you. Because everybody else I've ever cared about or been close friends or family with loves my sensitivity, thinks it's something special about me... And they tell me so. But it really gets on your nerves. So if I am too sensitive maybe it's too sensitive for you." As far as I know that was one of the last or the last time he said that but he might have given her a few days of silent treatment as a punishment. She said it felt like a vacation from his constant low level criticism on everything from how she breathed to how she went to the bathroom. Yes, for them, apparently, even that required his correction. Her way wasn't "respectful" of him enough. I lost track but don't think they're still together. Hope not.
I think the reason for this is not the words.. but the SPIRIT BEHIND these abusive words and attitudes… we might nit see these spirits and strongholds and heart postures, but it is discerned and known! I know all about this topic !!
I recorded everything toward the end of our 36-year marriage. I also kept every text and every email! The reason I did this was because just writing it down when it was said doesn't help...at least me. He would just say you just made it up and wrote it down. No one will believe you. Hence why I did start to record conversations, and yes, I did it, and he didn't know. If he had known his speaking to me, it would have been different. He was so good at his craft. I thank God every day that our marriage Christian counselor finally saw the real man I was married to, and finally, I knew I wasn't crazy! The counselor had never recommended divorce in their 33 years, but they told me to get out! It was hard, especially since I did still love him for some reason... The reason was he had good moments, very few of them, but I felt like if I loved him enough, he would change! He didn't. I did. Finally, I had enough courage to leave.
Just came across Leslie's work and new subscriber to the channel. So glad that Leslie is talking about all these from a biblical perspective. She has a wise mind and beautiful person from inside-out. The covert narcissists are more difficult to detect because they manage their appearances and stage-managed their lives (false life) meticulously. Grateful for your work.
This is excellent. So accurate. Thank you for the examples - it’s like you know the person! 41 years in this type of emotionally destructive marriage…finally realized the extent of the covert abuse about 2 years ago. People do not believe it because he manages his pastoral image so well.
Yes mine too. Just had our 40th anniversary in Sept, and im blown away learning that what I’ve endured all these years has a name, and comes from a playbook! Covert narcissist. Everybody else thinks hes he nicest guy in the world.
Thank you, Leslie Vernick, for offering this on UA-cam. I’m seeing this just when I need to. I can identify with every example you’ve given. It’s as if this session was prepared just for me. I almost cried at the example of a husband who undermines a wife’s standing with her children as this is exactly what my husband used to do. My now grown kids were good kids coming up, but if I sent them to their room for something he’d run after them, put a comforting arm around them, tell them to just pacify me so they could be on their way. No amount of my explaining could get him to understand how that undermined me as a parent or us as a parenting team. And, while they’re all grown he still has a need to be the favored parent. It’s subtle and sly and makes him look like a wonderful guy and, at times, makes me look harsh or unloving. It’s been so hard to explain. I also recently described my marriage as “death by a thousand paper cuts”... a million little repeated infractions (with a few big ones thrown in) that seems treatable but with a husband who just keeps repeating the same thing over and over and never seeming to care or understand their impact on me. It’s been a 45 year relationship that I’m only coming to full realization on in the last couple of years. (After years of therapy.) And your videos are made for me now - in this moment. Thank you.
Subtle abuse - not so funny jokes & snide remarks - not allowing you to make decisions - criticising your clothes - all about THEM - the blame shifting & script flipping - and secondary abuse by other Christian's who tell you to "pray about it" etc 😢
For those of us who are a bit too free to share all of our caring ways with others (coming across as always right, giving unasked-for advice), oh, I'm learning that when others refuse my advice to not act all personally offended or frustrated~ I think that's called growing in maturity 😉
Thank You so much for making these videos available for free! This information is so valuable!!! I wish I had it avail to me 40 years ago! You are saving many from pain, heartbreak and insanity which affects the family as a whole and even the extended family too!
Leslie, I feel so blessed that God has lead me to you.. your book, your explanations and any other contents shared has been so eye-opening, especially for me personally, so encouraging even healing me as God has been working within me, within my soul.. thank youuuu so so so much. God keeps revealing much more of His glorious knowledge and wisdom to you to educate us, the women, the children, also the men, to comprehend so much better of what God's ultimate mission on our lives. Unlimited thanks.. GBU
# 4 and # 5 were constant for me. Couldnt take it after 17 yrs, so left...and yes my adult kids estranged me, soon after. Apparently I had no value apart from him. I'm so grateful for God and that He is my defence. 💖
Thank you Leslie I got what was so important for me right at the end of the video, I kept thinking there was something wrong with me but your explanation has validated why I feel the way I do about sex. I feel so free to hear that it is a normal way to feel. Thank you.
I am only a few minutes from the end of this video. It has been so balanced! So many of these issues I’ve dealt with through the 37 years of my marriage with my husband, and myself. Thank you Leslie for your amazing insights!
I married someone who I thought was the opposite of my emotionally and verbally abusive, hateful father. Turns out that person was just a covert narcissist. He is apathetic, passive aggressive to a dangerous fault. He never remembers what I’ve said or the plans we have made or the agreements or whatever. The communication errors like not understanding, talking but not saying anything, pretending he’s listening but he’s not. I say he’s ruined every major event from the honeymoon to the birth of the kids to Mother’s Day. He is all that you say here!! He has made me crazy all these years. Thank you so much for validating the pain and suffering I’ve endured for 22 years. Ive tried to get him to understand the problems but he never changes. I’ve not wanted to leave because I’ll hurt my girls and it will bring so many other problems. What want to take back my personal power? With new insights how do I make changes without damaging my girls?
Thankyou for this great video. If the principles of how to recognise subtle signs of an abusive relationship could be put into a much shorter video many people would share it & others would watch it and their lives would change for the better. Too many of us do not see abuse until it becomes very extreme & both abusers and their partners excuse and minimise all sorts of abuse.
My covert-overt narc even enlisted my overt narc elderly father (!!!) in his attempt to control & undermine me during our divorce, after over 30 years of living under his mental-verbal-emotional-financial abuse..... from dating to marriage to divorce. #surreal More than 30 years of my life = lost. And now, even my bond with my beautiful son is lost. And all because I didn't know I had cptsd & limerence when I met the monster I married.
Documentation will help in self petition with USCIS under VAWA program. Thank God for delivering me and my daughter from a "godly" man that twisted scripture in his benefit.
Wow, when you talked in the beginning about your friend and how her husband is controlling, mine is like that. His way is always better. He used to even say I wasn't boiling water correctly. I didnt want to cook in front of him anymore because he was critical of me. Especially if he is on a bad mood he will feak out about the pantry being messy, etc. He likes things his way. If I speak up when he is acting this way, it seems to make it worse. He says I'm too prideful and can't handle criticism. I never asked for his help so he is just always trying to "make things better ". And when he is in a bad mood, I do walk on egg shells because i don't know what he will freak out about.
I know I need to leave the abuse but I feel guilty for even wanting to leave and my grown children will be mad at me for leaving. I don't know how much longer I can take this 😢
I understand how you feel. But you are being destroyed. Your self esteem, even your health from the constant stress. Stop putting others before you! God doesn’t want you destroyed!
Taking this in… realizing me trying to manage anyone else’s anger behavior is just as frustrating for them as when they try to manage my spending behavior for me (or whatever - just using those maybe common examples)… And realizing that control is a battlefield that both of us engage in… and when we put the verbal weapons down or ideas about who’s way is “better than”, and accept that we have some ideas that are “different than”, we give ourselves a chance or opportunity for peace. When there are kids involved… young ones… far be it from us to destabilize them further… so if we can mature and change the steps in the escalation dance then maybe we can sidestep the need for resolution by heading it off at the pass.
I tape record our conversation when we make agreements so he can hear what he said when he says he can't remember that he agreed to that. Or have each person sign a piece of paper with the agreement written in black and white.
quote: Guard your heart.... We can pray/ask God to send His Holy angels to protects us, and ask for The Holy Spirit to come into us and The Holy Spirit will protect our heart.
God is wanting you to come to him!! He loves us. You don’t have to wonder who has your back or who loves you!! Pray this prayer and have God come into your life. Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God, that you died on the cross to rescue me from sin and death and to restore me to the Father. I choose now to turn from my sins, my self-centeredness, and every part of my life that does not please you. I choose you. I give myself to you. I receive your forgiveness and ask you to take your rightful place in my life as my Savior and Lord. Come reign in my heart, fill me with your love and your life, and help me to become a person who is truly loving-a person like you. Restore me, Jesus. Live in me. Love through me. Thank you, God. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Married 37 years.. to a covert abuser.. when I was a young mother and wife he affected me.. no more.. now I know what hes doing.. the sad part is now I see my daughter has married one whose image is more important than his family. Praying she leaves ..
How do u recommend then responding when someone controls the narrative and undermines in that subtle way, damaging how one views me. I feel it happens bur done know how to get it to stop or undo?
What's traumatizing is when they don't remember anything and show their true colors. Being inappropriate with family members. But maybe they do know better sometimes
I am just seeing this now in March 2023. Is there a way to view the Conquer webinar now? Thanks so much for your ministry. Looking at my 31-year marriage and trying to figure out what I want the rest of my life to look like.
Will the workshop be available for replay if you register but can't listen at the time of the event? I have a friend that I would love to listen but she probably can't listen at either time you have available.
A short conversation could go something like this, Him,”The grass grew again after the rain.” Me, “All the dandelion heads are up “ Him, “No, the grass is long.” Another day conversation, Me,”The clouds look like cold clouds.” Him,”No, they look like Fall clouds.” I think that “No” is his favorite word. If I address that I can have my own thoughts when he corrects me about silly things there is no response. I’m pretty much wrong.
How to handle this when you have a child together who is 3? I’m very worried about how to handle things and should I stay because I can’t imagine not being with my child. Leaving them in his care because I’ve never seen him care for him especially when he’s having a tantrum, he never handles him because he just can’t handle the noise.
I'm confused. As a wife and homemaker I was taught from my grandmother, aunt, mom how to cook and clean and take care of and manage the home. My husband did not know how to do certain things pertaining to that so I would show him, just like as a mom I taught my kids housekeeping things and cooking. It was to control. It was to teach. For example you don't mop your Floors first and then vacuum. You Vacuum then mop. And you start at the farthest part of the room and work your way towards the doorway so you don't box yourself in. That's teaching not controlling.
Regarding the silent treatment: whenever I was mistreated and hurt so profoundly by his harsh words, I gave him the 'silent treatment' because I was so wounded that I needed time to heal. Is this abusive?
Dear Simone, I believe anytime we give someone the silent treatment to "get back" at someone, it is a subtle form of abuse. Now if we communicate that we need some time w/o talking to recover from our hurt, that's different. But ideally, it wouldn't go on for weeks before our hurt is addressed. I understand where you are coming from though, as I have pulled back at times too but it's hard for me to do for more than a few hours or a day because I want to confront and have a resolution/ reconciliation. My husband is the opposite (an avoider) so it typically never comes. I pray God will heal your heart and bring breakthrough for you. ❤
I have this issue going on with my adult daughter SMH I don’t know why we don’t have more Christians speaking on this issue because the Bible says that there will come a time when father will be against son ,daughter against mother etc. Matthew 10:21 it also says that anyone who loves their children more than God is not worthy of him 10:37 and there are other scriptures that speak of this. Take heart 💜 sister because God knows where you are.
And even JESUS got angry - was He provoked by their selfishness and turning His fathers house into a Den of Thieves? People provoke us and sometimes we NEED to get angry and we still need to stay in control
All 5 for nearly 50 years believing it was me. When he took his last breathe, I was finally able to be free. However I wasnt. I was left with guilt and shame, hatred and bitterness. I’m working so hard to break free from that now. Jesus be with me .
We were duped. We came from homes that abandoned us as children. That little child figured "well, if I'm good enough the pain will stop." So we married someone to prove we were worthy of love and spent 50 years trying to please them, earn their love, and be good enough. None of it "worked". Jesus takes our shame; don't keep it. It was never yours; it was theirs. Covered by His blood, God sees us without shame! Good enough!! Leave the shame at the cross! You were never intended to carry it. It was all a lie!! you're free now! I understand. Been there 50 years myself!! HUGS!
(Janice) Living for 51 yrs with a "partner" like you have described has been a literal nightmare. He even told me that God was not gong to send me help because HE is my Savior. That was the last straw. We continue to live in the same house. But, I stay in my room much of the time. I do not have my own transportation. But, my daughter has moved in with me and can see what has been going on. She has been so much support for me. There will be a day when I will leave. And, I will know when that is. Thank you so very much for helping me see more clearly. Before, this video, I was absorbing the guilt he was dishing out. I almost lost my mind (and, health) from the stress. I did lose my identity. Now, I'm going to work at freeing myself even before I actually leave.
😢
You're lucky. My adult children aren't willing to help. According to them "it's your business" ..."I don't want to know"...."we are not equipped to help, get marriage counseling". Daughters are in their early 40s. We have been married for 47 years. I never openly discussed about our ugly marriage with them ever. I am a person who is destroyed
@@Goodnews99457 sorry to hear how you are struggling in your marriage. I can see why your children would be hesitant to help.... It really a decision only you can make. Perhaps think of what may be hindering you from getting the help you need and work on them.
Financial stability or lack thereof is a major reason women stay in abusive marriages... Is that something you can work on?
Janice Holland 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I’m praying for your open door to get out to come quickly.
WOW!
Thanks for sharing your story
Am glad you finally found support in your daughter and I hope you already left by now
Wow, my ex-husband did almost all of these bad behaviors listed in this video during our 18-year marriage. I remember being so confused and even considered buying a discrete recording device to record all of our conversations. Almost all of the agreements we made were ignored and I was told the agreements were never discussed or made - including our parenting agreements. I came home from a grueling business trip one evening, and he was feeding our twin 4 year olds (who have ADD) chocolate donuts for dinner. I had very little free time for myself over the years and he expected me to do all of the parenting, all of the housework, and I also had a career. At one point, he angrily shouted during dinner that he didn't like the upscale French bread I purchased at the grocery store. He wanted French bread from a specific French Bakery in the trendy part of town. I finally said, I don't have time to add another task to my workload. If you want fancy French Bread from that bakery, you'll need to add that to your workload. He was furious. He always felt entitled. A few years later, I finally gave up, and my children and I moved out.
Best decision you made.
God bless you. Thank you. You have helped me to see that while I've never been hit or slapped or pushed, I am the wife of an abuser. I've always been. May the Lord help me through this and help me make a decision. 😭 41 years of marriage. 50 years together.
I empathize completely with you. I pray that over the past year, you have been strengthened in your walk in truth with the Lord. I could not recognize or admit that I had been abused over two and a half decades of marriage. I didn't understand the signs of abuse until Leslie gave me the insight and a vocabulary that described the mistreatment. I rationalized that one slap and one shove and one wrist twist did not count as physical "abuse" if each happened many years apart. All along, the emotional mistreatment was manifesting in physical terms with stomach, heart, head and insomnia symptoms. I even saw a physician, with my ex, seeking a cure, thinking the symptoms were primarily work related; only they continued after I left my profession to concentrate on my homemaking and family. Leaving the abuse, once the Lord showed me a safe path forward, was liberating and life saving. Praising Him every day for his infinite mercies, and thanking Him for Leslie's Godly counsel and wisdom! Asking Him to guide you forward toward a brighter safer future of healing.
This has helped me to recognise that all those feelings I was experiencing were wrong, several years of the slient treatment and many more you have mentioned in your video.
My 26 year marriage had all the signs from the beginning but I meant my husband when I just 17 years old, and married at 25 years old and then became a born again believer at this stage of life which made me try to ignore what was happening to me.
The slient treatment became unbearable when he moved into my sons bedroom when he went off to University, he didn't speak to me for 7 months from that day, showing my youngest teenager that he didn't want to be around me.
I decided during this time and through the insight of your video's no amount of marriage counciling was going to help, we tried that for many years and it always came down to everything being my fault.
I have now finally moved out, which has been extremely difficult but I could not continue anymore.
He has now trying to turn my younger son from me but I am trusting the Lord for this to turn around for the good.
Your videos have been such light to what has been a really dark path.
Thank you so much, your are such a blessing to women like me.
Please continue your amazing work.
I’ve gotten to the point that I like the silent treatment. I just don’t want to hear his crap anymore.
There is a UA-camr who is a professional communications coach, Dan O'Connor - I can't recommend his videos strongly enough! Life-changing.
He has a tactic on one of his videos about communicating with "difficult people" called The Clarifying Question.
Anytime I use one of these when one of these people tries to zing me, I get a 2-3 day vacation with their silent treatment "punishment". I've only had to use it a few times and my main person who does this picked up on it and stopped zinging me this way.
What a relief!
The silent treatment can feel like a vacation, right?
Them: "I'm not talking to you anymore."
Me: "A blessing from the Lord!"
Some of us need the longer content because its filled with examples and real life scenarios that are a HUGE help. Thank you for being so thorough. I could keep listening forever! So much great material very needed.
When they lie, silent treatment, ignoring, disengaging, doesn't want to communicate, avoiding me , never says he is sorry, gaslighting, has laughed behind my back, never had my back only a knife to my back, he doesn't care at all, he is emotionally not there, never dealt with his trash, stonewalling help😮😮
1 time he made fun of my intelligence or cooking ability - while I served super to him & our children soon after we were married, including my step daughter, who laughed with him at me.
I asked, "Do you think making fun of me with my step daughter inspires our children's respect for me?"
Never. Did. That. Again.
One lady I know's husband got on her so much for being "over sensitive" that she finally told him, "Maybe I am too sensitive - for you. Because everybody else I've ever cared about or been close friends or family with loves my sensitivity, thinks it's something special about me... And they tell me so. But it really gets on your nerves. So if I am too sensitive maybe it's too sensitive for you." As far as I know that was one of the last or the last time he said that but he might have given her a few days of silent treatment as a punishment. She said it felt like a vacation from his constant low level criticism on everything from how she breathed to how she went to the bathroom. Yes, for them, apparently, even that required his correction. Her way wasn't "respectful" of him enough. I lost track but don't think they're still together. Hope not.
I think the reason for this is not the words.. but the SPIRIT BEHIND these abusive words and attitudes… we might nit see these spirits and strongholds and heart postures, but it is discerned and known! I know all about this topic !!
I recorded everything toward the end of our 36-year marriage. I also kept every text and every email! The reason I did this was because just writing it down when it was said doesn't help...at least me. He would just say you just made it up and wrote it down. No one will believe you. Hence why I did start to record conversations, and yes, I did it, and he didn't know. If he had known his speaking to me, it would have been different. He was so good at his craft. I thank God every day that our marriage Christian counselor finally saw the real man I was married to, and finally, I knew I wasn't crazy! The counselor had never recommended divorce in their 33 years, but they told me to get out! It was hard, especially since I did still love him for some reason... The reason was he had good moments, very few of them, but I felt like if I loved him enough, he would change! He didn't. I did. Finally, I had enough courage to leave.
Just came across Leslie's work and new subscriber to the channel. So glad that Leslie is talking about all these from a biblical perspective. She has a wise mind and beautiful person from inside-out. The covert narcissists are more difficult to detect because they manage their appearances and stage-managed their lives (false life) meticulously. Grateful for your work.
This is excellent. So accurate. Thank you for the examples - it’s like you know the person! 41 years in this type of emotionally destructive marriage…finally realized the extent of the covert abuse about 2 years ago.
People do not believe it because he manages his pastoral image so well.
Yes mine too. Just had our 40th anniversary in Sept, and im blown away learning that what I’ve endured all these years has a name, and comes from a playbook! Covert narcissist. Everybody else thinks hes he nicest guy in the world.
Thank you, Leslie Vernick, for offering this on UA-cam. I’m seeing this just when I need to. I can identify with every example you’ve given. It’s as if this session was prepared just for me. I almost cried at the example of a husband who undermines a wife’s standing with her children as this is exactly what my husband used to do. My now grown kids were good kids coming up, but if I sent them to their room for something he’d run after them, put a comforting arm around them, tell them to just pacify me so they could be on their way. No amount of my explaining could get him to understand how that undermined me as a parent or us as a parenting team. And, while they’re all grown he still has a need to be the favored parent. It’s subtle and sly and makes him look like a wonderful guy and, at times, makes me look harsh or unloving. It’s been so hard to explain. I also recently described my marriage as “death by a thousand paper cuts”... a million little repeated infractions (with a few big ones thrown in) that seems treatable but with a husband who just keeps repeating the same thing over and over and never seeming to care or understand their impact on me. It’s been a 45 year relationship that I’m only coming to full realization on in the last couple of years. (After years of therapy.) And your videos are made for me now - in this moment. Thank you.
You just painted the perfect picture of my marriage of 47 years
Subtle abuse - not so funny jokes & snide remarks - not allowing you to make decisions - criticising your clothes - all about THEM - the blame shifting & script flipping - and secondary abuse by other Christian's who tell you to "pray about it" etc 😢
talking over me, not listening, not engaged
Yessssss on the talking over me
For those of us who are a bit too free to share all of our caring ways with others (coming across as always right, giving unasked-for advice), oh, I'm learning that when others refuse my advice to not act all personally offended or frustrated~ I think that's called growing in maturity 😉
Thank You so much for making these videos available for free! This information is so valuable!!! I wish I had it avail to me 40 years ago! You are saving many from pain, heartbreak and insanity which affects the family as a whole and even the extended family too!
Leslie, that happens to men too, and the woman crys 'victim' when the man tries to speak up
Leslie, I feel so blessed that God has lead me to you.. your book, your explanations and any other contents shared has been so eye-opening, especially for me personally, so encouraging even healing me as God has been working within me, within my soul.. thank youuuu so so so much. God keeps revealing much more of His glorious knowledge and wisdom to you to educate us, the women, the children, also the men, to comprehend so much better of what God's ultimate mission on our lives. Unlimited thanks.. GBU
I. LOVE how your house is decorated!!! And I love your messages - so healing!
# 4 and # 5 were constant for me. Couldnt take it after 17 yrs, so left...and yes my adult kids estranged me, soon after. Apparently I had no value apart from him. I'm so grateful for God and that He is my defence. 💖
Yep, my two sons abandoned me when I left, they thought it was all my fault 😮. By God's grace they are in touch with me 5 yrs later.
I love your energy. You feel so warm, coherent, wise an happy.
Thank you Leslie I got what was so important for me right at the end of the video, I kept thinking there was something wrong with me but your explanation has validated why I feel the way I do about sex. I feel so free to hear that it is a normal way to feel. Thank you.
I am only a few minutes from the end of this video. It has been so balanced! So many of these issues I’ve dealt with through the 37 years of my marriage with my husband, and myself. Thank you Leslie for your amazing insights!
Thank you Leslie, this meant a lot to me. Many of us need this. God bless you and your family!
I married someone who I thought was the opposite of my emotionally and verbally abusive, hateful father. Turns out that person was just a covert narcissist. He is apathetic, passive aggressive to a dangerous fault. He never remembers what I’ve said or the plans we have made or the agreements or whatever. The communication errors like not understanding, talking but not saying anything, pretending he’s listening but he’s not. I say he’s ruined every major event from the honeymoon to the birth of the kids to Mother’s Day. He is all that you say here!! He has made me crazy all these years. Thank you so much for validating the pain and suffering I’ve endured for 22 years. Ive tried to get him to understand the problems but he never changes. I’ve not wanted to leave because I’ll hurt my girls and it will bring so many other problems. What want to take back my personal power? With new insights how do I make changes without damaging my girls?
Yes!!!! 😭😭😭😭21 years of exactly this! But everyone knows him as the “great guy”!
I need to watch and listen you more often!!! Thanks for making these videos.
'I can never do anything nice in your eyes, right!!'How many times I've heard it!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH-OUT
Thankyou for this great video. If the principles of how to recognise subtle signs of an abusive relationship could be put into a much shorter video many people would share it & others would watch it and their lives would change for the better. Too many of us do not see abuse until it becomes very extreme & both abusers and their partners excuse and minimise all sorts of abuse.
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I agree, while I love this longer length video, it would be great to have a condensed version too for sharing with others. Great topic!
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My covert-overt narc even enlisted my overt narc elderly father (!!!) in his attempt to control & undermine me during our divorce, after over 30 years of living under his mental-verbal-emotional-financial abuse..... from dating to marriage to divorce. #surreal More than 30 years of my life = lost. And now, even my bond with my beautiful son is lost. And all because I didn't know I had cptsd & limerence when I met the monster I married.
We get married young and don’t even know what good relationships are, we ruin our lives
There is no tuning it around
Stays with you forever
Thank you, this is exactly the knowledge and truth that I need at exactly the right time. Now to put it into practice!
Excellent, thanks very much Leslie 👍👍🙏💜
Thank you so much for this amazing content! So very helpful!
Documentation will help in self petition with USCIS under VAWA program.
Thank God for delivering me and my daughter from a "godly" man that twisted scripture in his benefit.
Wow, thank you so much for this video. Amazing teaching. Thank you for giving examples.
Thank you sister I am blessed by this video, hello from Paris. Thank you GOD i needed that today !!!
🌴Thank you for this Leslie💫💕
Thank you for this lesson.
Wow same in ALL things I do even returning a grocery cart in a parking lot!
Thank you so much for speaking truth.
Wow, when you talked in the beginning about your friend and how her husband is controlling, mine is like that. His way is always better. He used to even say I wasn't boiling water correctly. I didnt want to cook in front of him anymore because he was critical of me. Especially if he is on a bad mood he will feak out about the pantry being messy, etc. He likes things his way. If I speak up when he is acting this way, it seems to make it worse. He says I'm too prideful and can't handle criticism. I never asked for his help so he is just always trying to "make things better ". And when he is in a bad mood, I do walk on egg shells because i don't know what he will freak out about.
Thank you! Very good presentation.
You make a lot of good points.
Well said and spot on.🙏
This is really helpful, thank you.
I know I need to leave the abuse but I feel guilty for even wanting to leave and my grown children will be mad at me for leaving. I don't know how much longer I can take this 😢
I understand how you feel. But you are being destroyed. Your self esteem, even your health from the constant stress. Stop putting others before you! God doesn’t want you destroyed!
Like they say on the airlines: put your own oxygen mask on first
Taking this in… realizing me trying to manage anyone else’s anger behavior is just as frustrating for them as when they try to manage my spending behavior for me (or whatever - just using those maybe common examples)…
And realizing that control is a battlefield that both of us engage in… and when we put the verbal weapons down or ideas about who’s way is “better than”, and accept that we have some ideas that are “different than”, we give ourselves a chance or opportunity for peace.
When there are kids involved… young ones… far be it from us to destabilize them further… so if we can mature and change the steps in the escalation dance then maybe we can sidestep the need for resolution by heading it off at the pass.
Couples Counseling would never be a thing. He said a while ago he’d lie if he were made to go. Say whatever to get out of it.😢
Conceding, "I can see how you would feel that way" (or "I understand why you would think that" or just "mmnh." "Oh. I hear you.")
Hi Lesley...get multi-focals.❤ love your material...so relevant to my life. Thank you so much .❤
what if he refuses to work and demands that I work overtime?
Cannot thank you enough for this.
I tape record our conversation when we make agreements so he can hear what he said when he says he can't remember that he agreed to that. Or have each person sign a piece of paper with the agreement written in black and white.
He knows exactly what he agreed too. They just don't care and continue to manipulate and control. Stop playing into the games
Spot on!!
To apologize and repeating the same action
He did that with children.... Underminded me. I had to be the responsible one. Yet he was in charge. After 40 +yrs made me ill....
Spot on
Leslie, all you say can also happen to men. The woman then cries 'victim' when the man tries to speak up
quote: Guard your heart.... We can pray/ask God to send His Holy angels to protects us, and ask for The Holy Spirit to come into us and The Holy Spirit will protect our heart.
My partner told me constant unsolicited advice / insisting on telling me better ways is about his wanting to show himself as smart.
“I’ve never said that, were you drinking or something?”
That’s funny 😁 😅
New comer … looking forward to your years of insight
Thank God I got out that relationship… & thank God for SINGLENESS 😂
I’m here…Harrisburg, PA
God is wanting you to come to him!! He loves us. You don’t have to wonder who has your back or who loves you!! Pray this prayer and have God come into your life.
Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God, that you died on the cross to rescue me from sin and death and to restore me to the Father. I choose now to turn from my sins, my self-centeredness, and every part of my life that does not please you. I choose you. I give myself to you. I receive your forgiveness and ask you to take your rightful place in my life as my Savior and Lord. Come reign in my heart, fill me with your love and your life, and help me to become a person who is truly loving-a person like you. Restore me, Jesus. Live in me. Love through me. Thank you, God. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Married 37 years.. to a covert abuser.. when I was a young mother and wife he affected me.. no more.. now I know what hes doing.. the sad part is now I see my daughter has married one whose image is more important than his family. Praying she leaves ..
How do u recommend then responding when someone controls the narrative and undermines in that subtle way, damaging how one views me. I feel it happens bur done know how to get it to stop or undo?
Thank you
What's traumatizing is when they don't remember anything and show their true colors. Being inappropriate with family members. But maybe they do know better sometimes
So exhausting!!!
I am just seeing this now in March 2023. Is there a way to view the Conquer webinar now? Thanks so much for your ministry. Looking at my 31-year marriage and trying to figure out what I want the rest of my life to look like.
Hi Sheri, we will have another Conquer Workshop starting Monday, so make sure you stay tuned!
I hope you get to look forward to the rest of your life as filled with golden opportunities to enjoy love, care, and respect.
Gaslighting
My husband makes comments that are just enough to make me think I am crazy or wrong
Same here. Does and says things and then says he didn't say that!
Yesss
Will the workshop be available for replay if you register but can't listen at the time of the event? I have a friend that I would love to listen but she probably can't listen at either time you have available.
Please have her email assistant@leslievernick.com if she wants the replay!
A short conversation could go something like this, Him,”The grass grew again after the rain.” Me, “All the dandelion heads are up “ Him, “No, the grass is long.” Another day conversation, Me,”The clouds look like cold clouds.” Him,”No, they look like Fall clouds.” I think that “No” is his favorite word. If I address that I can have my own thoughts when he corrects me about silly things there is no response. I’m pretty much wrong.
Hi Leslie! Mitsie from Alabama
Thank you!!!!! I have such guilt over not wanting to have sex with my husband I thought God would be mad at me for this
Just joined and tech challenged, mary
What’s your take on being in a continual verbal emotional etc marriage 48yrs and having flashbacks?
Hattiesburg, MS
Passive-aggressiveness
How to handle this when you have a child together who is 3?
I’m very worried about how to handle things and should I stay because I can’t imagine not being with my child. Leaving them in his care because I’ve never seen him care for him especially when he’s having a tantrum, he never handles him because he just can’t handle the noise.
Where can I go? I don't/can't live with him anymore. I don't see a way...
Can you save up some money? Do you have friends or family you can stay with?
I'm confused. As a wife and homemaker I was taught from my grandmother, aunt, mom how to cook and clean and take care of and manage the home. My husband did not know how to do certain things pertaining to that so I would show him, just like as a mom I taught my kids housekeeping things and cooking. It was to control. It was to teach. For example you don't mop your Floors first and then vacuum. You Vacuum then mop. And you start at the farthest part of the room and work your way towards the doorway so you don't box yourself in. That's teaching not controlling.
There’s nothing wrong as long as he’s not flirting or talking or touching her .
Hi New comer her too,
Never took me to a restaurant that I wanted to go to
Is this live?
What if he doesn't even realize that what he's doing is abuse?
Regarding the silent treatment: whenever I was mistreated and hurt so profoundly by his harsh words, I gave him the 'silent treatment' because I was so wounded that I needed time to heal. Is this abusive?
Were you giving him the silent treatment to punish him, or were you retreating because you were wounded?
@@Dagnymarie1 mostly to retreat from my wounds, but at the back of my mind i wanted him to learn by my action.
Dear Simone, I believe anytime we give someone the silent treatment to "get back" at someone, it is a subtle form of abuse.
Now if we communicate that we need some time w/o talking to recover from our hurt, that's different. But ideally, it wouldn't go on for weeks before our hurt is addressed.
I understand where you are coming from though, as I have pulled back at times too but it's hard for me to do for more than a few hours or a day because I want to confront and have a resolution/ reconciliation. My husband is the opposite (an avoider) so it typically never comes. I pray God will heal your heart and bring breakthrough for you. ❤
@@Dagnymarie1retreating after abuse is normal!!!!
Dianne😊
Husband staring at woman in front of you and says.
Why do I need so badly to know why? What would knowing why change about the dynamic?
Maybe I should ask why I need so badly to know why instead of why are these people like that?
I think it’s normal to ask why. Maybe start looking at co-dependent, covert narcissist, narcissism. Maybe you will find the “why” there
What if it is your child that treats you like this?
I have this issue going on with my adult daughter SMH I don’t know why we don’t have more Christians speaking on this issue because the Bible says that there will come a time when father will be against son ,daughter against mother etc. Matthew 10:21 it also says that anyone who loves their children more than God is not worthy of him 10:37 and there are other scriptures that speak of this. Take heart 💜 sister because God knows where you are.
Ooh. You said "1 down position".
To bring up past mistakes after I've apologized
And even JESUS got angry - was He provoked by their selfishness and turning His fathers house into a Den of Thieves? People provoke us and sometimes we NEED to get angry and we still need to stay in control
This is my immigrant husband that I petitioned here .. I need help