Because of my situation I have no choice but to learn how to detach. So unfamiliar as I’ve only known how to be enmeshed with others to feel ‘love’ Today I am nurturing who I am rather than looking outside myself for security, affirmation, and acceptance. I only let safe people into my close circle. It’s taken 55 years of being bullied and a ‘victim’ to get here. 100’s of videos, many workbooks, and hours of counseling later…🥵 Praise God I’m finally here. I am excited to keep growing and learning with this new perspective.
I closely relate with your story. I was so emotionally raw, miserable, wondering what I was doing wrong , was I crazy. I prayed a lot for our God to help me Be the best person I could be and to teach me how to live my best life in spite of my situation. It took a lot of work, a lot of seeking, a lot of prayer. It took a support group of other struggling women. And it took many videos by Leslie Vernick. I am now in the best place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in many years. Congratulations to US!
@@ladyesther We have to keep showing up. Every day is a new start. Now that I’m past the ‘hump’ of spiritual brokenness, grief, hopelessness and despair I welcome the day knowing there will be opportunity to grow in this new freedom. The reaction(s) I get are amazing. I love that I have come to realize I am NOT responsible for how others think of me, nor do I have to accommodate everyone. I FEEL a confidence like never before in that, I KNOW the love my God has for me. That came first in 2020. Then the grief of recognizing what I’ve accepted for bread crumbs of love. Then, the ANGER!! Yikes, I had to ask God to help me walk thru this pain instead of running. Everytime I run, I take myself with me. I love Leslie’s words about growing up and becoming self contained. In other words, not needing approval and acceptance any where but with God. Easy to say, but in diligent prayer with a defeated broken heart and spirit, crying out in agony God saw fit that I get some relief. Little by little books, people, podcasts etc…have come to me at the perfect times with encouragement and support. I’m in the detached stage now, unsure of the future be confident God will be with me every step of the way. 🙏🏼🕊️❤️
Would love to hear how to go from detachment to inviting more emotional closeness when seeing change. Nothing dangerous involved. I would say marriage is more in the disappointing with some difficult areas in managing finances and emotional closeness.
This is so good!! My husband is a hoarder and it is killing our marriage. He won't get help or change. We've been married for 34 years and I've felt for a long time that his stuff is more important. It's the equivalent of him having a mistress. I am so tired of feeling like a terrible person because he insists I should accept him for who he is. 😢
….taking Leslie’s suggestion how can you show up as yourself with your husband’s hoarding problem? My sister is a hoarder and I tried to send her mental health resources on clutter and I don’t even think she listened to them but I have to accept her and still show up as myself
This also biblically allows us to not nag. It allows us to trust Jesus, to sit at His feet, pray, and let go of our attempts to control. We fully leave it in the hands of God. God also tells us not to throw pearls before swine. After we’ve tried for years to gain the ears and heart of our husbands, we let go and allow God to shelter us and do the work; whatever that may mean. God bless all you ladies walking through this!
This was so much needed today as i still struggle from with detaching from my ex-husband. I met him when i was 16 started dating at 18. We were together for 22 years & so we grew up together yet we didn’t grow our marriage together. From the jump we were growing in different ways but both of us were too tied to fact that we had a partner that loved despite that fact that neither of us felt good about ourselves due to childhood traumas. I still care for him deeply but i don’t love him or respect him as a husband anymore. I did at one point and kept trying to get myself to forgive his infidelities. I feel like God stopped me at every turn every time i tried to reconcile. My ex would always do something incredibly horrible to me emotionally or psychologically where i would have to pull away to get out of the crippling weight of depression. Even now when i don't hear from him for days, my depression and attitude are so much better.
Thank you for this message. I am in an emotionally abusive and destructive marriage and am feeling to leave my unbelieving husband with the intent to reconcile if he chooses to get counseling for his anger. I have sought out a circle of friends who are praying alongside of me regarding what God wants me to do.
4:30 accepting reality 7:59 walk in the truth 10:10 the abuse is not about you; it's all on your absuer 12:11Jesus tried to influence Judas 19:30 a disappointing marriage versus a toxic, destructive marriage
I believe the simplest way to identify when you need to detach the most.. is when it seems almost impossible to do so. Detach sisters, i have begun this pathway and I have significantly seen my anxiety decrease,less stress hormones being released in my body which in return has fascinating benefits, I have regain emotional control and peace… take care of your mental, physical and spiritual well being. Let us return to the premise that “ everyone is responsible for themselves” Listen to the audio book called “ co dependent No more” bless you in the name of Jesus Christ
This is one place I disagree with Leslie’s advice @ 15:00. If this advice were flipped, and we were telling men it’s ok to have sex even though you are “checked out”the comments would blow up. Definitely a fun way to pass the time, but I am not sure that is living with integrity. (Rewatch Is Marital Indifference Emotional abuse?)
She says the vast majority of women destructive marriages do not feel safe with physical intimacy but there may be a few ladies who do. I can't imagine 😢 how but maybe it depends on the type of mistrust in their marriage?? Maybe this is just for the tiny fraction of dysfunctional marriages where the husband is nice but he is untrustworthy with money or something not so scary as raging abuse?
I really struggle with detachment, especially going through a divorce with my abusive husband still living with myself and our kids. He will not leave. It is difficult not to live in that resentment every day when destructive things are still happening. There are days I have more peace than others, and I am learning slowly how to detach. My biggest question is, what if I don't want to love him anymore? Is that a sin?
Yes I feel a shame that I remarried him after 22yrs of divorce. To be treated the poorly. That I have had to detash to be safe. He has turned our adult girls against me.I have not spoken to him 17 months,living in the same house.,Detashing made me safe
My question is...what if he says he does want to change but because hes said that before so many times you dont believe it. When is it enough? Do i have to stay becauee he says hes sorry and he ll change but theres no reason to believe it this time?
What if were not all MARRIED?? BUT JUST LIKE THIS TOPIC YOU two are speaking on , the world obviously is not afraiding the same as in respecting the covenants of marriage and oftentimes these days men equipped with what dating or courting a woman even means? And some women will just accept it as the norm because they don't know the difference. They didn't have the guidance or don't have the guidance to how relationships are supposed to go. So more often than not where I'm from you, you'll see more of two people of the opposite sex, skip past the dating, the according the getting to even know each other to even know if you even like each other and straight into the Were getting intimate and I'm your baby mama or you're my baby daddy and I hate you now because I didn't even know you in first place? Sad to say what is true! The people like us need help can guidance and protection and direction. And investing with such passion for us too to know that someone's there for us too! All the things that I married women are men would need cuz they navigate through. Not ideal relationships. They have a lot more people rallying for them than a single person does. We still need council. We still need help. Do we need direction just like any married woman or man would need that has been through a toxic relationship or marriage? Yours is nothing like it used to be in most marriages in the divorce. Sadly people are not so willing to get married because of fears and different things like the rate of divorce so I find it kind of odd how when I watch different Christian speakers , advocates, leaders within the church, etc speak are preach or house podcast and do lives about relationships. But hardly do they ever talk TO single mothers or single fathers AS IF WE'RE NOT A PART OF THE COLLECTIVE AS WELL. They don't speak OR preach using those specific words and I don't think that that's necessarily not being biased. WHICH IS TYPICAL IN MOST CHURCHES I DON'T KNOW OF. This world is shifting is what it is. So I wish people would start speaking about us that are actually here. Not to say that that's what the world should be going towards or that's what would make the world make it okay. But we're here and I believe we need just as much as a Mary person or divorced. Because obviously we are not all married and or divorced? And some of us have never even been close. But we still have been in relationships and we are equaling. We need help and protection and guidance from these awful misguides. Untrustworthy people that we've got ourselves involved with happen It just is what it is, but I don't think that we should be. You know exempt from help! And I apologize because I cannot find the words that I'm needing to express exactly the way I feel right now. So I want to do my inner work so that my life the better quality and just kind of back off from dating and then because I'm me and my kids and building wealth and being you know someone like the person I used to be better version tomorrow. Happier, loving, caring, cheerful, thankful appreciative , fearless , and peaceful woman that is more connected with the divine and not feel like I should be ashamed before I am or to feel like I'm not going to be her seeing her protected or have you because I'm not married or never have been this far. That I have two beautiful kids that I love very much. Now I want them to know who God is too! And to know that they will be also protected married or not? I want them to know the alternatives and be equipped with how to navigate a relationship without losing themselves or not showing up or I just like them to have that knowledge that to know that God is there for them too! Even if they're single and never been married but are going through challenging relationship!
This is Julie writing (co-host of the podcast). Thank you so much for taking the time to pour out your heart here. You bring up a very good point ... there are many, many single women out there in destructive relationships with men who never learned how to be a good partner. Many, many single mothers as well. While we often use the language of husband/wife and marriage the advice offered is very applicable to unmarried people as well! But, it matters that you feel excluded because of that language and we don't want that. I will make a true effort to remember your comment and try to include our unmarried friends in the language we use on this podcast. It won't be 100% of the time as that would get pretty "wordy" but I will remember to mention our unmarried women regularly. Thank you, again. I hope you are finding help and value for your life with this podcast, AquaEarthnFire. You matter to us! - Julie
@@leslievernick thank your podcast an UA-cam videos have been a blessing to me! A guide sometime so the only thing I can find comfort in my life is a mess and I don't know how to fix it or how it even got this bad in the first place! I'm not even sure if it's all me to be honest! Please pray for me 😭
I heard a woman a couch of some kind say that she would never deny her ex husband intimacy even if she has detached because she said she didn't want to go against what the bible\God says about woman being submissive and not denying the husband sex! Don't quote me because I'm not sure exactly what she said verbatim and I'm not bible scholarship and I have some serious trust issues on this spiritual journey I'm on!
Yes. This misunderstanding and wrong teaching is something we are trying to correct with this podcast. A woman in a destructive marriage is not an object to use. God gets no pleasure in that.
It was impossible to detach or do anything on my own. He would follow and spy on me, make it difficult to start any new opportunity and try to destroy my friendships so he would be the only source for me to go to..
How is that biblical when your Christ following husband doesn't put your need before his? Also to talk with others is not the same fulfillment as talking with your husband
That’s the piece on detachment - it’s not about his actions or what he “should” do anymore. Take ownership in accepting the present and how you want to show up
Close your eyes, I mean really close your eyes, sit inside of your body and do a mental scan.. identify where hurts, even if it’s emotionally hurt.. and think of what you need to take care of yourself. You realize that it’s NOT your husband. You will realize that what you need is you to show up for you… decide today will be your last day depending on him. Your happiness in inside of you. Find it, remember who you are
Because of my situation I have no choice but to learn how to detach. So unfamiliar as I’ve only known how to be enmeshed with others to feel ‘love’
Today I am nurturing who I am rather than looking outside myself for security, affirmation, and acceptance.
I only let safe people into my close circle. It’s taken 55 years of being bullied and a ‘victim’ to get here.
100’s of videos, many workbooks, and hours of counseling later…🥵
Praise God I’m finally here. I am excited to keep growing and learning with this new perspective.
Yes, I can’t relate to what you have said here. It’s been a long hard journey for me also. I’m slow to learn but I’m still here!
I hear you and understand as the 10th child of 11. Praying for you 🙏
I closely relate with your story. I was so emotionally raw, miserable, wondering what I was doing wrong , was I crazy. I prayed a lot for our God to help me Be the best person I could be and to teach me how to live my best life in spite of my situation. It took a lot of work, a lot of seeking, a lot of prayer. It took a support group of other struggling women. And it took many videos by Leslie Vernick. I am now in the best place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in many years. Congratulations to US!
@@sandranovakovich688 That is wonderful!!
Yes, yay US!! Our God is a mighty God and nothing is impossible with Him. 🙏🏼🕊️🙌🏼
@@ladyesther We have to keep showing up. Every day is a new start. Now that I’m past the ‘hump’ of spiritual brokenness, grief, hopelessness and despair I welcome the day knowing there will be opportunity to grow in this new freedom.
The reaction(s) I get are amazing. I love that I have come to realize I am NOT responsible for how others think of me, nor do I have to accommodate everyone.
I FEEL a confidence like never before in that, I KNOW the love my God has for me. That came first in 2020. Then the grief of recognizing what I’ve accepted for bread crumbs of love. Then, the ANGER!! Yikes, I had to ask God to help me walk thru this pain instead of running.
Everytime I run, I take myself with me.
I love Leslie’s words about growing up and becoming self contained. In other words, not needing approval and acceptance any where but with God. Easy to say, but in diligent prayer with a defeated broken heart and spirit, crying out in agony God saw fit that I get some relief. Little by little books, people, podcasts etc…have come to me at the perfect times with encouragement and support.
I’m in the detached stage now, unsure of the future be confident God will be with me every step of the way. 🙏🏼🕊️❤️
Would love to hear how to go from detachment to inviting more emotional closeness when seeing change. Nothing dangerous involved. I would say marriage is more in the disappointing with some difficult areas in managing finances and emotional closeness.
This is so good!! My husband is a hoarder and it is killing our marriage. He won't get help or change. We've been married for 34 years and I've felt for a long time that his stuff is more important. It's the equivalent of him having a mistress. I am so tired of feeling like a terrible person because he insists I should accept him for who he is. 😢
….taking Leslie’s suggestion how can you show up as yourself with your husband’s hoarding problem?
My sister is a hoarder and I tried to send her mental health resources on clutter and I don’t even think she listened to them but I have to accept her and still show up as myself
@@kmariamv I just bought a little camper so I can be away from the environment. I have to live in it day to day.
This also biblically allows us to not nag. It allows us to trust Jesus, to sit at His feet, pray, and let go of our attempts to control. We fully leave it in the hands of God. God also tells us not to throw pearls before swine. After we’ve tried for years to gain the ears and heart of our husbands, we let go and allow God to shelter us and do the work; whatever that may mean. God bless all you ladies walking through this!
Such great wisdom and advice in this video. It is Biblical with common sense approach. Thank you for your ministry to women, Leslie.
Thank you, Coaches!
Perfect timing!
Thank God for great women willing to educate themselves and reach out. Bless you all!
We are grateful for you listening and learning!
This was so much needed today as i still struggle from with detaching from my ex-husband. I met him when i was 16 started dating at 18. We were together for 22 years & so we grew up together yet we didn’t grow our marriage together. From the jump we were growing in different ways but both of us were too tied to fact that we had a partner that loved despite that fact that neither of us felt good about ourselves due to childhood traumas. I still care for him deeply but i don’t love him or respect him as a husband anymore. I did at one point and kept trying to get myself to forgive his infidelities. I feel like God stopped me at every turn every time i tried to reconcile. My ex would always do something incredibly horrible to me emotionally or psychologically where i would have to pull away to get out of the crippling weight of depression. Even now when i don't hear from him for days, my depression and attitude are so much better.
Thank you for this message. I am in an emotionally abusive and destructive marriage and am feeling to leave my unbelieving husband with the intent to reconcile if he chooses to get counseling for his anger. I have sought out a circle of friends who are praying alongside of me regarding what God wants me to do.
I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. I pray he does choose to do his own work as you continue to do yours. We are here for you, friend.
Excellent and clear.
That was a great podcast. I appreciated the prayer at the end.
Thanks for listening.
4:30 accepting reality
7:59 walk in the truth
10:10 the abuse is not about you; it's all on your absuer
12:11Jesus tried to influence Judas
19:30 a disappointing marriage versus a toxic, destructive marriage
This was so good!
I believe the simplest way to identify when you need to detach the most.. is when it seems almost impossible to do so.
Detach sisters, i have begun this pathway and I have significantly seen my anxiety decrease,less stress hormones being released in my body which in return has fascinating benefits, I have regain emotional control and peace… take care of your mental, physical and spiritual well being. Let us return to the premise that
“ everyone is responsible for themselves”
Listen to the audio book called “ co dependent No more” bless you in the name of Jesus Christ
This is one place I disagree with Leslie’s advice @ 15:00.
If this advice were flipped, and we were telling men it’s ok to have sex even though you are “checked out”the comments would blow up.
Definitely a fun way to pass the time, but I am not sure that is living with integrity.
(Rewatch Is Marital Indifference Emotional abuse?)
She says the vast majority of women destructive marriages do not feel safe with physical intimacy but there may be a few ladies who do. I can't imagine 😢 how but maybe it depends on the type of mistrust in their marriage?? Maybe this is just for the tiny fraction of dysfunctional marriages where the husband is nice but he is untrustworthy with money or something not so scary as raging abuse?
I really struggle with detachment, especially going through a divorce with my abusive husband still living with myself and our kids. He will not leave. It is difficult not to live in that resentment every day when destructive things are still happening. There are days I have more peace than others, and I am learning slowly how to detach. My biggest question is, what if I don't want to love him anymore? Is that a sin?
Forbearance?
20:28 fairy tales
22:30 safety and trust
24:47 hard honest conversations
27:33 one person's sin can impact the whole family even with detachment
Yes I feel a shame that I remarried him after 22yrs of divorce. To be treated the poorly. That I have had to detash to be safe. He has turned our adult girls against me.I have not spoken to him 17 months,living in the same house.,Detashing made me safe
My question is...what if he says he does want to change but because hes said that before so many times you dont believe it. When is it enough? Do i have to stay becauee he says hes sorry and he ll change but theres no reason to believe it this time?
Friend, you don't "have" to do anything. These are your choices that you come to after much prayer.
What if were not all MARRIED?? BUT JUST LIKE THIS TOPIC YOU two are speaking on , the world obviously is not afraiding the same as in respecting the covenants of marriage and oftentimes these days men equipped with what dating or courting a woman even means? And some women will just accept it as the norm because they don't know the difference. They didn't have the guidance or don't have the guidance to how relationships are supposed to go. So more often than not where I'm from you, you'll see more of two people of the opposite sex, skip past the dating, the according the getting to even know each other to even know if you even like each other and straight into the Were getting intimate and I'm your baby mama or you're my baby daddy and I hate you now because I didn't even know you in first place? Sad to say what is true! The people like us need help can guidance and protection and direction. And investing with such passion for us too to know that someone's there for us too! All the things that I married women are men would need cuz they navigate through. Not ideal relationships. They have a lot more people rallying for them than a single person does. We still need council. We still need help. Do we need direction just like any married woman or man would need that has been through a toxic relationship or marriage? Yours is nothing like it used to be in most marriages in the divorce. Sadly people are not so willing to get married because of fears and different things like the rate of divorce so I find it kind of odd how when I watch different Christian speakers , advocates, leaders within the church, etc speak are preach or house podcast and do lives about relationships. But hardly do they ever talk TO single mothers or single fathers AS IF WE'RE NOT A PART OF THE COLLECTIVE AS WELL. They don't speak OR preach using those specific words and I don't think that that's necessarily not being biased. WHICH IS TYPICAL IN MOST CHURCHES I DON'T KNOW OF. This world is shifting is what it is. So I wish people would start speaking about us that are actually here. Not to say that that's what the world should be going towards or that's what would make the world make it okay. But we're here and I believe we need just as much as a Mary person or divorced. Because obviously we are not all married and or divorced? And some of us have never even been close. But we still have been in relationships and we are equaling. We need help and protection and guidance from these awful misguides. Untrustworthy people that we've got ourselves involved with happen It just is what it is, but I don't think that we should be. You know exempt from help! And I apologize because I cannot find the words that I'm needing to express exactly the way I feel right now. So I want to do my inner work so that my life the better quality and just kind of back off from dating and then because I'm me and my kids and building wealth and being you know someone like the person I used to be better version tomorrow. Happier, loving, caring, cheerful, thankful appreciative , fearless , and peaceful woman that is more connected with the divine and not feel like I should be ashamed before I am or to feel like I'm not going to be her seeing her protected or have you because I'm not married or never have been this far. That I have two beautiful kids that I love very much. Now I want them to know who God is too! And to know that they will be also protected married or not? I want them to know the alternatives and be equipped with how to navigate a relationship without losing themselves or not showing up or I just like them to have that knowledge that to know that God is there for them too! Even if they're single and never been married but are going through challenging relationship!
This is Julie writing (co-host of the podcast). Thank you so much for taking the time to pour out your heart here. You bring up a very good point ... there are many, many single women out there in destructive relationships with men who never learned how to be a good partner. Many, many single mothers as well. While we often use the language of husband/wife and marriage the advice offered is very applicable to unmarried people as well! But, it matters that you feel excluded because of that language and we don't want that. I will make a true effort to remember your comment and try to include our unmarried friends in the language we use on this podcast. It won't be 100% of the time as that would get pretty "wordy" but I will remember to mention our unmarried women regularly. Thank you, again. I hope you are finding help and value for your life with this podcast, AquaEarthnFire. You matter to us! - Julie
@@leslievernick thank your podcast an UA-cam videos have been a blessing to me! A guide sometime so the only thing I can find comfort in my life is a mess and I don't know how to fix it or how it even got this bad in the first place! I'm not even sure if it's all me to be honest! Please pray for me 😭
I heard a woman a couch of some kind say that she would never deny her ex husband intimacy even if she has detached because she said she didn't want to go against what the bible\God says about woman being submissive and not denying the husband sex! Don't quote me because I'm not sure exactly what she said verbatim and I'm not bible scholarship and I have some serious trust issues on this spiritual journey I'm on!
Yes. This misunderstanding and wrong teaching is something we are trying to correct with this podcast. A woman in a destructive marriage is not an object to use. God gets no pleasure in that.
It was impossible to detach or do anything on my own. He would follow and spy on me, make it difficult to start any new opportunity and try to destroy my friendships so he would be the only source for me to go to..
If a husband is not pursuing his wife he don't want her
Really?
How is that biblical when your Christ following husband doesn't put your need before his? Also to talk with others is not the same fulfillment as talking with your husband
That’s the piece on detachment - it’s not about his actions or what he “should” do anymore. Take ownership in accepting the present and how you want to show up
Close your eyes, I mean really close your eyes, sit inside of your body and do a mental scan.. identify where hurts, even if it’s emotionally hurt.. and think of what you need to take care of yourself. You realize that it’s NOT your husband. You will realize that what you need is you to show up for you… decide today will be your last day depending on him. Your happiness in inside of you. Find it, remember who you are
@@lizzyg1758 thank you for taking the time to tell me this. I will do it