The Biggest Misunderstanding About What Women Are Attracted To
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- Опубліковано 27 лип 2024
- Shorter episode today, but something I'd love to get your thoughts on. This came from a recent conversation between Lex Friedman and Aella, a sex researcher, writer, and sex worker.
She surveyed her followers on what men and women actually want in the bedroom, and noticed an interesting discrepancy. I polled my own followers and found something similar. Listen in!
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• The Biggest Misunderst...
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I am 33, and I have been alone most of my life. Long story short, I am former incel that turned my life around almost a year ago. Got into the dating market, dated my crush for a month, and got my heart ripped out. I am glad I did it because it was a good learning experience, and I finally came out of my shell. But, I still have many scars from my past that are keeping me from trying again. Plus, dating takes a lot of time and energy lol. I still want to find a good woman, but I am afraid of ending up like many men who end up going through divorce. It's very scary.
Get your main focus toward building yourself and your life I would say. Try meditation, it grounds me like lightning🎉
You seem like a mature self aware guy. Sounds like you are doing better than lots of other men.
my take on this is as follows...
1.Women, largely (not all of them), keep pretending and acting, when in the presence of men, like they don't want sex as much as men or that they never/seldom are interested in a man for sex. This is due to the fact that a lot of women's leverage/power over men is in having men think and believe that they (men) want sex more than women do and that it is women who are the suppliers of sex and not the beneficiaries.
women literally have a, proven, vested interest in maintaining this dynamic as it allows them to trade sex for material goods and favors.
2. Men's apathy in being sexually dominant is built around the idea that the women is "serving" him sexually, which when you think about carefully is a wholly misguided idea, but what is the point of being dominant when you are the "receiver"... the person doing the giving whether real or assumed is the one in the dominant position and they get to deicide how that interaction goes
3. MeToo, I should not have to explain why being "dominant" today may not be in a mans interest it is simply not worth
"the hand that gives is above the hand that receives" - Napoleon
women are so obsessed with maintaining their sexual leverage over men that they even admit to withholding praise or never mentioning it when a men satisfies/exceeds their sexual expectations for fear that he may use sex as leverage should he know of his abilities.
There is a reason chad, tyrone, ahmed, sanjay and alejandro move the way they do, they know for a fact that they don't have to be all that nice to keep a girl around as long as you can f%#k her brains out, she will keep "coming" back....
I think it's fairly straightforward what women want yet quite difficult to provide. Women want to feel safe with us AND THEN be dominated sexually. How to make them feel safe is going to vary from person to person but generally the woman has to 1. believe the man is capable of protecting them (and/or potential kids), via some combination of valuable assets such as money, physical strength, emotional availability, intelligence, etc, and 2. trust them (various kinds of intimacy). Once that is set they want to be dominated to varying degrees. How to know? Communication & practice. Some women are terrible at communication and have their own issues, that's not on us but we can do our best. At the same time, us men need to feel safe with women (what are their intentions, emotional availability, etc.). If you don't feel safe with a girl, it is entirely fair not to be sexually dominant and you should not feel bad about it
What does it mean to be sexually dominant?
The issue is that women and by extension, society want men to regulate their dominance on command. That's not how it works. So men are afraid to go there and are listening to messaging that even shames that inclination
That's a very interesting perspective. "Regulate their dominance on command." Well said
So true. I was always unable to distinct between how to treat women with respect and be challenging in the bedroom. That destroyed our sexlife and made my wife took over the leadership in our marriage. Small thing that imprint from my childhood, thanks ma, big sister, auntie and cousin.
It's hard to be both at the same time. Quite often you need to suppress your dominance to be more pleasing, and attractive.
The risks of sexual dominance have become too high. Moreover, men have no educational resources for learning “healthy” sexual dominance. If we learn at all, it’s through practice and making mistakes. Unfortunately, those mistakes can cost us everything.
It's hard to practice when you never get a date, or a girlfriend, or a hookup. Dating has become a bit frustrating, at least so far. I'm 40 years older, married young as a virgin, got divorced and just now learning how to date and approach women. I'm 6'2 and workout, not fat, shaved head, social, fun, and middle class. Online dating doesn't really work for me. I managed to have a 2 month relationship/fling. I will never go MGTOW. I'm working on my game/boundaries/dominance/approach skills and wardrobe and finances. Hopefully I can actually get laid soon and have a 3rd partner.
@@MrBoxofplastic you are absolutely right about the opportunities being limited. However, keep improving yourself and remember that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.
This is such a confusing issue for me. I was molested and abused as a small child until 12 years old, which deeply affected my sexuality. So my desire, falling in line with everything said here, I am often left feeling a sense of guilt for desiring something that hurt me.
I feel sorry for you, but you don't need to feel guilt for what's natural. My first girlfriend was an abuse survivor too, and I was her first guy (if we are not including the abuser). She often told me that she feels protected with me, and that's why she does not feel shame about her desires - because she knows deeply that I will never hurt her soul, even if I may spank her in bed or something like that.
@@Straga_Severa yes, I suppose I felt that way when I was very young. However these feelings grow as we get older and life becomes intricately linked. My own safe place became a source of pain instead as he then cheated on me. I too thought he would “never hurt me”, which is nice to think but childish to believe. Everyone and everything will eventually hurt us and no one and nothing is ever really safe.
@@sarahalderman3126 Well, I could answer you factually, but I understand that you are really hurt, and what you need is therapy. It's not abnormal, I used therapy too, and it converted me from a guy with the clinical depression and suicidal tendencies to a cool guy I am now. You can do it too, if you find a good therapist =-)
I hope you find the healing you deserve!
(22M) I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I don't like feeling anxious constantly, therefore I ignore pursuing women outside of professional interactions.
So true!!
Just from first principle thinking it comes to mind that I think desire for sexual dominance comes from the female instinct to feel protected by her male partner: that’s also why they instinctually are attracted to taller bigger men, so they also want to feel this presence which includes assertiveness in the “bedroom” (and all corners… ).
Honestly, in a healthy relationship you simply ask your partner what they like and whether X is ok for them. You let them know what you like and find out what they like and if needed meet somewhere in the middle. Best case is both want the same thing.
☺️
Dominant! Not abusive!
Yes, take the lead is a better way to describe it.
To be honest at the age of 45 years old this is all making perfect sense to me again I can relate to everything this chap says
I think to your point toward the end of the video, men seem to be afraid/cautious of leaning into their dominant energy. Some men seem to want to lean more into feminine energy and they actually want women to be more dominant in the boudoir. I don’t know if your poll/survey had other components to it. I would be curious if in a follow up survey, you would find not only to men want to be less dominant, they may also want their sex partner to be dominant/more dominant.
Pretty red pilled guy here. I found your video very insightful, I liked the way you explained the difference. Cut and dry. Thanks!
Save yourself! I stopped listening to red pill after I started thinking like a misogynistic SOB. There are moderates out there.
Guys! Please... yes, take control. We love it 🥰
Whatever they may say, what women want is love and faithfulness.
Interesting topic, Connor. I definitely agree with your distinction between attraction and arousal.
I hear your point about men being cautious and maybe avoiding dominance due to some of the negative cultural narratives you mention. I think that could capture some of this discrepancy although could it also be possible that some women might be hesitant to express or explore being submissive? Especially if they come from a more “educated, liberal” background, due to perceiving it as not aligned with their other goals around being independent, having career, wanting an equal partner who respects women, etc. So even if the male side of this question is “undercounted”, perhaps the female side is too?
But speaking for my own experience as a man, I feel there is something deeper beyond being cautious where dominance just is not where my core desire lies. I have understood for a while that a large percent of women prefer dominant men, through both experience and reading about psychology/dating, so for me it is not avoiding dominance because I think women don’t want that, but the opposite where I have had experiences of feigning being dominant in order to please the woman (who had indicated that's what she liked) and it just felt like putting on a performance but wasn't very satisfying for me. I may just be an outlier among men in this regard, but that is my experience. Now I am trying to live more with integrity and have moved in the direction of acceptance that there is just going to be a mismatch in desire with most women. And I hadn’t considered it before but maybe these statistics do show there is even some discrepancy that exists on a population level that is genuine?
What difference does it make how tall he is?!
I think one of the biggest differences which might be an underlaying cause to this discrepancy is: women want men to be sexually dominant FOR them, FOR their (the women's) pleasure, while the stereotype which has way to often played out unfortunately, is men being sexually dominant AGAINST women and only FOR their own (the men's) pleasure, making up for their even deeper down sense of being powerless.
So the toxic male sexual dominance grows on the soil of needing to dominate her in order not to be dominated by her (or whomever the female stands for, e.g. mother etc), while the welcomed and non-toxic sexual male dominance grows out of wanting to give the most possible pleasure to the woman and though that experiencing a huge increase of own sexual pleasure as a result of that for the men.
I think problem is men think all forms of dominant behavior is bad (maybe why the “nice guy” exists), when in reality it’s something like:
Dominance that puts other people in danger ❎
Dominance that physically or mentally enslaves a woman ❎
Dominance that fulfills a sexual fantasy in the bed room ✅
Well, there are healthy BDSM relationships that are not confined to the bedroom and work in a day-to-day life too. As long as it is fully consensual, it's OK for a woman to behave like she is "enslaved" =-)
cacophony we lost the bearings. Waaay too much noise.
Domesticated men.
Do the same research in more conservative countries and you will probably see a different result.