If you do accept the friendship, you'll soon discover that they're not even a good friend, and you'll feel twice as bad. At the first red flag, and we all remember exactly what it was, we must choose to protect ourselves and disengage.
So true! I tired it with him for a bit and zero effort on his part Just hurt me more - so I shut the door on friendship It hurts me but I have to have self respect
@@katherinemarkva7552 hm.. yeah f* that. I was the “live if his life” and yet he was a coward and cold even after .. I could tell he wanted me to beg him and chase him and be his friend and kiss ass - it hurt but I have self respect You don’t want me as your future wife anymore - you will feel my absence 👋🏼 🚪 even if it hurts me
This happened to me in April. Lesson learned. Never accept the friend zone with someone you want intimacy with. Know your worth. She even told me "I knew you'd be there always..." Doesn't work that way. I'm not going to be there for someone who abandoned me after giving me hopes of a future. That pain is not worth it in any way.
When they’ve offered friendship after the discard it’s so cringe. It actually makes me feel sick and want to puke. How can we go from being in an intimate relationship to friends. That just tells me they never viewed the relationship as something serious.
Just been in a relationship with an avoidant for the first time of my life… I’m more on the anxious side. In the beginning, it was heaven! I was perfect in her eyes! She told me that she was so lucky to have me in her life, made future plans, etc. Then, the slow fading began out of the blue. Tried everything to understand what was happening, to communicate….. only to receive no or vague answers. I finally put an end to all this. I couldnt take this nonsense anymore. Coach Ryan’s videos are amazingly accurate to what to expect with these avoidants. Nothing you want to try to save your relationship will work. Get out of their grasp ASAP.
They actually want the benefits of you without the fear of emotional intimacy, and the friendzone is right where that is. I would say their intention is not so much to resolve themselves of guilt. Its mainly to even prevent the 'abandonment' because with friendship their fears dont get triggered. Their neurobiology is literally different from how anxious/secure is. But yeah, its still of bunch of steaming shit nonsense and selfish to the core.
@@coping_in_copeland_coperI agree with you but I also agree with the op in that this can also be an attempt to remove any guilt hereby also allowing them to not self reflect, no guilt, no thinking I’m a bad person, no reflection
I don’t think they have to time to feel guilty other than thinking about themselves 😂 Ii is purely for selfish reasons. Get that excitement when they are bored without any cost. They are too self-obsessed. At least for majority of them But then there could be a spectrum ?
My ex dismissive avoidant tried to make me feel guilty for that boundary by saying to me, “ you don’t think I’m good enough to be your friend?” …. At first I felt like a mean girl, but then I realized i would be breaking my own heart by doing something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t need his friendship or situationship. I wasn’t interested in knowing what his life would be like without me. Thank you for this confirmation video.
They won't tell you it's friendship your gut will tell you something is off especially when after couple of years and nothing official between you both. They simply see you as their placeholder because they fear being alone
don't take the friendship - they just want benefits without any commitment. It's not out of love either. NC and don't look back. Speaking from my traumatising experience
friendships DO require emotional intimacy, at least real friendships do, which is why it's not possible to have it with avoidants, only situationships, and would you want to be friends with your ex while she/he is dating someone else without a care in the world? i doubt that
Did you know that us DAs are often secure in friendships and make great friends? The avoidance comes when we are pushed for romance by people we are not sure about.
@@jacl1923 great friends are those who can show empathy, compassion, people who self reflect, can admit to mistakes, take accountability, don't run from emotions that make them feel uncomfortable. in my experience severe avoidants are only great having a good time and fun, and at practical help not related to processing emotions, if you are not connected with your own emotions how will you relate with those of your friends. one of the last messages from my ex was something along lines: "my best friend is depressed but i can't talk to her because i would not have time to enjoy my trip and besides what do you even tell someone who is depressed". no, avoidants are not great friends. not in my eyes.
@@jacl1923yeah I seriously doubt that, more like fair weather friends who are only there for you when they need something or only when things are going good for the other person.
Not necessarily. My ex FA was never pushed into a relationship with me. He chose to be in the relationship. Apparently though, he couldn't handle it. I am secure, BTW, and don't need to push anyone. Some avoidants actually want a relationship.
@@jacl1923 Most of the time it's not a great friendship though. Someone selfish enough to value their independence more than the person who adores them and breaks up with them so they can keep doing whatever they want without answering to anyone is most likely going to bring that energy into a friendship, which is fine if you just want someone to hang out with and have fun with, but the moment the friend expresses any kind of need that may conflict with their independence, the avoidant will bail just like a romantic relationship. Avoidants will struggle to comfort a friend through tough times because that kind of thing makes them panic and want to run. And God forbid you have a fight or criticize them. They will respond the same way they would in a romantic relationship. By avoiding, stonewalling, maybe even ghosting. You could be "friends" with a DA for decades and they would likely still distance themselves from you when you need them most. What kind of friend is that?
So true. My ex FA did the slow fade. I think he eventually thought of me as a friend even though I told him I would never be just his friend. That way he could monkey branch without feeling guilty. He even tried to minimize our four-year relationship like it never happened. I am happy to be rid of him. Never again.
He killed off all romantic feelings by ghosting for too long. My anger grows by the week. Why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me like that?, I prefer friendships where there is mutual respect. Being put in the friend zone is just like being bookmarked in case they don't find others to have s*x with.
This is brilliant and let's you be authentic with how you feel while setting a healthy boundary at the same time. Even if you ex doesn't realize it, going no contact may force them to self reflect. I think this is best for both people to grieve, grow, and move forward.
This literally just happened to me 3 days ago out of nowhere. Totally blindsided by it. Turns out I'm in a crash course figuring out that she is a Fearful Avoidant. Things were amazing between us. Then this happened. Wow it hurts.
Another instances/motivator I noticed: They offer friendship bc they are not over the breakup completely, but want to have an emotional support safety blanket while they process GETTING OVER YOU so they KEEP YOU AROUND and act close, and may even be a good friend. However, once they heal completely, ir better yet, find a new partner, you get completely dropped. They no longer need you because they've finally gotten over you. Meanwhile, your own healing was delayed (if you still wanted more), or your genuine attempt at rebuilding a friendship is broken and you are discarded AGAIN. Do NOT give them the chance to discard twice.
Yeah my ex did this as well. I had still hope of getting back together because we said we would wait 3 months and try again. After one month I got the "I am glad we are still friends", another month later she told me she was dating someone else. Never again will I stay friends with an ex.
@@snaakie I am sorry to hear it. I am not sure if it is different based on gender, but I have only dated men, and they do a total drop when they find someone new. I'm guessing with women some would, but others might try to friendzone into an orbiter-only status. Break-ups with DAs are brutal. At least with the other attachment styles they tend to want to just cut it off completely at first. If they genuinely want to stay in touch and be friends, they go away to process and heal and may return years later in a platonic way without manipulation.
Coach Ryan, My BF of 7 mos did exacrly that today. He said he wasn't ready to be my partner - after 7 mos and then said he wants to remain friends. I am heartbroken and left feelung hopeful. Thank God this video just came up top in my feed. You put this in a light that makes total sense. I am crushed and cannot do the friend zone. Im an all or nothing kind of girl. Thank you for your video. You just saved another heart from further damage.
It should not be called the 'friend zone'. There is nothing friendly about it. It should be called the 'selfish self-centred hell zone' because that's how it feels. The DA is continuing to be emotionally selfish and self-centred thinking it's somehow all OK (exactly as Coach Ryan has described in this fabulous video)... while I go through hell all over again being in proximity to my ex when she is back in the country (we live in the same apartment block which is a nightmare).
My avoidant ex offered me such friendship. I told her I would need time. How much? I didn't know. But to be honest, I don't want that friendship because it's not a genuine friendship.
Been there and finally accepted the offer. Only to realize 3 mos later that I cannot be treated that way anymore. Told her that I'd disappear for some time to heal myself. Several weeks after that I contacted her and asked if it's ok if we resume communicating. The answer was a strict no. Now I suppose that I abandoned her in some way, thus received this reaction.
@sbya7229 it seems she has no respect for you. In my opinion, you should never have contacted her, and you should have just just moved on. Since my avoidant ex discarded me ( about 4½ months ago), I've been in no contact, and I do not intend to reach out to her ever again. It was the first time she discarded me, and I won't give her the chance to do it a second time .
@@tabarnakopoulos good advice Yes it is painful to leave because our feelings are genuine but it is going to be more painful if we stay 🥲 If only there’s someone who can stop them from dating ! I feel for the next one my DA will catch
Just out of a relationship with an avoidant that went just this way. She decided she didn’t want to be in a relationship and kinda castigated me for not being able to accept being friends with her. But unrequited love is so emotionally draining and painful. A real shame because we shared so many interests and beliefs.
I've been through the same couple months ago, traveling half the way across the country for her to be there for her when she was going through a lot, 3 days into living with her she said, "it's like going to a film with expectation, and coming out with nothing, let's be friends keep it open" ( with a lot of other harsh things) so I packed my bags and i left, while I was leaving she ended it from her side. I still think about it sometimes, what did I do wrong! Lol
@@ThusharbabluSame thing here, with a guy. People with avoidant attachment will look for any excuse for not connecting, and it’s nothing you did wrong - it’s their fears clouding their judgment. They set impossible expectations so they can justify their retreat. They will always find something that’s a dealbreaker, because they’d rather chase someone good away than run the risk of getting attached and then losing them.
Listen, if you like them romantically you CANNOT be friends with them. Don’t fool yourself thinking you can. You’ll just end up torturing yourself. Walk away.
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
@@edwardclarkson-ph1kl it's ok. I was with my ex-wife for 16 years, married 15 of those. We have 2 children together. It's been nearly 2 years since she told me she wanted a divorce. It hurt so much. I was broken, defeated, helpless. Find a support network. Friends to hang out with, do the things you enjoyed before her. It may not apply to you, but I gave up a lot of what I loved to be with my now ex-wife because she hated the things that made me happy. Do those things again. Understand the freedom you have now. Don't chase love. Don't let others determine your worth. Set boundaries in new relationships. Don't let people use you. I'm saying all this from my own personal experience, so if it applies, great, if it doesn't, it is what it is. But I think something that applies to all of us in this situation is don't chase that feeling. Grow as a man. Grow as Edward. Do the things that make you happy, as long as it's legal 😅. Learn to be single. Become the best version of you that's possible. And don't change the core of your being for anyone else. That's my biggest takeaway from my experience. Changing yourself to make others happy only results in no one being happy. Find someone who loves the real you, flaws and all. I've been through it. It sucks ass. But it's not the end of the world. Good luck, bro. You are not alone.
Ryan you really lay it on the line easier than most others doing these videos on UA-cam. This is soooo my situation. After a few months of “love bombing”, and her saying ALL the stuff you talk about in other videos, she did the classic slow fade, dropped off of texts and seemed incapable of showing any love or affection whatsoever. This shit HURTS. It drove me crazy, and I realized I became way more anxious than I ever thought I would after years of being more of a secure type. I finally confronted her on many issues and basically gently poured my heart out. Her reaction was the usual “I can’t give you what you need” and I just “can’t balance my life and be in a relationship” and it’s “not fair to you”.. then 😂 immediately followed up with “I still want to be good friends but if that’s not ok I understand” .. and I gently told her that while that’s a nice idea, it would never work for me because “ every time I see you I’d want to hold you and kiss you”.. sure didn’t get much of a response to that lol. So I followed it up with a nice goodbye letter, wishing her the best, telling her that I appreciated the good times. Anyways, thanks Ryan, and that’s my story
7 years of this has been the most draining, hurtful and damaging chapter in my life. It took me until he suddenly met someone else two weeks ago to be able to remove myself from the friendzone that I had been moved in and out of four times, yet every time wanting to keep me as a close and intimate friend, without ever putting him self on the line. As painful as it was to learn that he had suddenly fallen in love with somone, it has been a huge relief - my jail break to get out of a terrible merry-go-around that I couldnt otherwise get off. I now have a chance to heal and recover and look at my own insecure attachment style, and the ways that my own fears of abandonement play out... It takes teo to tango.
This literally happened to me. It’s so scary how everything he said played out exactly how it did in my life. I met a girl who I discovered now is a fearful avoidant. She love bombed me a few weeks into meeting. Had unhealed trauma from being broken up with a month prior to us meeting. I was beginning to like her too. We had amazing moments in our four months together. She began to distance herself and got busy working and moving to a place of her own. Cut contact with me for a month or two. Barely replying. Then after I confronted her about it, she said she wanted to be friends and that she “didn’t want to lose me” I walked away and wished her well. It’s been over 6 months and I’m still devastated over it and miss the hell out of her 😢
Bingo! We were "unstoppable" 48 hours before she dropped me like a rock; then, when i reached out because i loved her she said she loved me and wanted some space to see whether she could give me what i needed. Then she used me for a couple of weeks to get over me and ditched me again Over text both times. In the second discard she.mentioned she would love to remain close in the future after some time has passed. Fast forward 6 months - the worst of my life- she sent me a happy birthday text. She always said she is different in that she talks with her exes.. she is doing it also for her karma... Coach Ryan you are a legend you have helped me so much during difficult times.. the pain of an abrupt discard after that person professing their love talking about having a family literally a few hours before is unreal. Needless to say that I did not reply to her second discard text.. and when she reached out to say happy birthday I just replied that I don't feel I deserved her treatment and don't want to remain close in any way shape or form
This is good info, but in my experience if you really like them, and they want to bond with you, they are feeling something significant that takes a slow burn love to get them to trust you bit by bit. They are afraid and need to distance themselves from time to time, including telling you to be a friend. However, consistently be their for them and you may end up together one day, it may be worth it. It's up to you to decide if you want to do it. Understanding and consistency is what allows them to open up bit by bit.
He asked to be friends after he shattered my heart to pieces by bringing in a 3rd party into our relationship. He lied about her the whole time. Im taking my energy back and he can wallow in his Karma.
SMH, once again they’re looking out solely for themselves. I’ll pass, I want nothing to do with you especially as I’m still healing from the discard. They are so selfish. 💔
yup it was only about protecting themselves. I couldn't even remotely consider friends unless I was fully moved on AND they took serious accountability/apologized/realized their fault in the relationship and how it ended. I highly doubt this will happen. So It's over.
This video is so articulated and accurate! You described literally what happens recently on my breakup. My avoidant ex literally asked if we could remain friends and I said no exactly for these reasons. We ended in good terms and I’m happy for that, but I wanted to be his wife, it his buddy
Being an avoidant myself, dealing with another avoidant - that is cool with me. I will just friendzone him back and move on. Every really good true love story starts with friendship. We never really knew each other at all. Thank you for this message, it makes complete sense. Sometimes an avoidant will ask for only friendship, because they think that is all they deserve, because they were never loved or cared for as a child. ~ KRH ~
@@SoutheastDivine That happened to me as well, I lost what I thought was a really good friend. He was more like a brother to me and I was not attracted to him at all. He told me he didn't want to talk to me for a year, it's been twelve, lol. Oh well, his loss.
Ohh this happened to me a month ago. A guy who had been flirting with me, and told all his friends he liked me, did a 180° as soon as I returned the interest and told me he wasn't in a position to get involved and wanted things to stay how they were. I told him hell no, why was he playing with my heart, and I called him a coward. So now we both hurt lol. Sad outcome but at least I dished back what I was served?
Wow! This is so true. I get it now. Wow. Wow. I couldn't put my finger on it. You got it. Thank you. Thank you. I've been so hurt. Didn't understand what happened to me. I don't want to let him go, but I think I get it now. I've blocked him. Set boundaries. Still he wants to be the avoidant. Ty
My husband slowly faded out in the last year by being super critical of me whilst he was seeing another woman. Took me a while to work out what was going on. Then he wanted to be friends. Wtf. No way.
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness: conscious. Until you make the unconscious: conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ~ Carl Jung You’re more than a Queen. Not that a Queen is limiting because that’s the highest highness of a most intelligent courageous beauty amongst women. You do embody a perfect emanating expression of a Queen. The icing on the cake is your Divine limitlessness that is in tune with her being. You’re evolution. Thank you for sharing and expressing. I sense your passion for yourself and your passion for standing for justice of your worth. I’m grateful for the love you have for yourself. You’re badass.
I was friend zoned for a few months but went along with it so I could help them recondition their trauma even if it ended up with it not going anywhere/get stung by it and besides initially I wasnt sure if I even wanted them as a girlfriend yet. Despite that they were still very on board with seeing me a lot and surprisingly very open on intimacy and their deepest fears, so I couldnt really complain for a time because my needs were getting met but of course that developed into having genuine feelings for her. In the end it has panned out, been over a year with her and its been the best investment I made. Only warning is dont stay in the friendzone too long or they will potentially move on, youll have to mentally prepare yourself to let that person go if theyre not on board with also being in a relationship with you as hard as it is. And thats assumming they arent stringing you along and arent all in to wanting to meet most of your needs.
It's good hearing stories like this as this was my approach as well,wishing you the best,I'm currently doing the same thing with my avoidant but i fear I might be staying in the zone too long because I had a financial set back & since we are long distance she may now feel like I'm lying or abandoning her because of this
@@afrolessninja In my experience Id try and overexplain stuff with a lot of detail when something worried me or couldnt make time to talk with them and thankfully they trust me enough to know I dont make stuff up, helps I have a record of only lying once but that was because I was at one point trying to avoid being vulnerable when my anxiety was just flaring up. Its really hard to walk that path after knowing just how much can go wrong but I was just way too attached to her at that point where I truly wanted to help and Im thankful they could tell I was serious about it.
@@gatorssbm I definitely give great details when I tell my story,we do this to each other because we are also learning each others languages,so knowing we have communication like that makes me a little more hopeful but still guarded 🛡️🖤
Not sure if the results would be the same if the FA was a male. The first thing that left the relationship was intimacy and I stayed thinking he couldn't continue to deny me night after night. Turns out he was purposely sabotaging the relationship to get me to leave him and alleviate guilt.
Ha I let my situationship stay for a year as my roommate until that became a push and pull. I made him leave. I love him but I love me more. Sad because he's a good good guy!
This was so true for my case. Love bombing, telling me on thing on text then was a different person. After almost a year together his energy changed, he became cold and distant and kept telling me I was so beautiful and to not settle for less than I deserve. Then he said we should take a break just out of the blue.
@@ShopgirlNY182 ikr? I don't understand.... like a fly to a spider, they lure you into their Web and then digest you whole... leaving nothing but an empty shell.
No contact is my permanent boundary with my ex wife. I have already blocked her phone number and email addresses, as well as having permanently deleted all of my social media accounts. This is not an act of malice towards her but an act of respect for our healing and for our future partners. Besides, we live 2,000 kilometers apart.
My best friend and I have been really close for years. He confessed he wanted more. It was mutual. He then said nevermind I'm not ready and has been cold and distant. I miss the hell out of my friend! 😮 I'm getting breadcrumbed and it's heartbreaking. I lost him, his kids, the laughter, the safety, the feeling of home. It sucks!
Such a confusing two years. Love bombed then always going to him. Never went out, always empty promises. Asked to be patient. Two years is up buddy. No more BS. No more playing,hiding,no intimacy,no kisses. What was I thinking 😔
Dude, I was the one that got dumped and I was the one suggested we be friends. And he agreed. Thing is that he went right back into the ghosting and the phone blocking stupidity. See, he had the chance to keep me in that friend zone where you don' t have to be accountable emotionally and all the other things you said, but he proved he COULDN'T be just friends with me. I asked him to please come by and set up my new tv a year ago. It took forever to get him to do it. When he did, he showed up with the worst 'stink face' look like my place was the absolute last place he wanted to be, but guess what? He stayed ten hours that day, then turned around and came back to give me a swivel shelf for said tv, the next day for another ten hours. He's still attracted to me and that's why he can't or won't just be my friend. That's why he ghosts me, and that's why he blocks my number on one phone, but doesn't have my work phone number blocked. I agree with you that it's not necessary; that blocking, and ghosting and all that madness is cowardly and a character choice, but I also know that when somebody's not interested in you, there's no need for all that energy going into the ghosting and blocking etcetera because the avoidant just wouldn't care.
It’s not a character thing. It is a mental illness. People with mi generally can’t process emotions and thoughts in a ‘normal’ way. Coach Ryan is spot on but not a psychologist or psychiatrist. Every personality disorder is complex, especially because it often doesn’t come on its own. It often is comorbid with depression, OCD, panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, BP traits. As my ex said: ‘I don’t want to isolate, but I do it anyway’. That is what mental illness is. She didn’t want to ghost/ discard me, but her self-hate was so overwhelming that she believed I and the world were better off without her. Also, they are so confused inside, and agitated by the many fears, knowing there is something seriously wrong with them, in their life, that they project it onto others and the world around them. It is a serious illness and the illness affects their perceptions, character and will. Compassion and friendship are needed. Including compassion for ourselves, who grieve what could have been.
I didn't understand this myself. Like don't they think ahead to when you go on and date other people? Doesn't that bother them that you might go ahead and do that?
And I would like to add...we agreed to be friends...then we had lunch. He sees his buddy and introduced me as his date. When we were sitting alone, I asked" is this a date? No response... awkward I said, well, silence is a response. Not too long after that day, the slow fade began. We all make mistakes and hopefully learn the lesson so we don't have to repeat it!!!
Could it be that some severe avoidants, particularly DAs just get bored, and would like to experience the honeymoon phase with someone new, so that's why they offer you the friendship "solution"? I don't know, but lately that's pretty much the only conclusion I can come to.
Yes imo. They are keeping you on the back burner, obviously they are going to have "some honeymoon fun" out and about, they know we are desperately love them, and they monkey-branch, in case plan B does notwork out they can always entretain the idea of getting back to a cycle with and make us crazy and hurt again. They are truly insufferable ugh.
as an avoidant, i can tell you my experience, no, it is not a game of keeping someone on standby, and its not about looking for "honeymoon" fun...it is very hard to connect to someone, so i dont run around dating and having crushes or anything like that...trying to have a relationship is just very difficult and requires a lot of work on myself and an emphatic partner...i know, there are not too many people out there, that can and are willing to deal with someone as complex as me...and i do understand that. But as tragic as it can be, i am grateful for every woman that i shared love and life expereince with...and most of them said similar things about me...despite the often very negative and derogative comments we avoidents get bashed with in most YT commentaries!
I told her i only have room for one other person in my life. She just ignored what I said and carryed on talking, eventually she'll have to take it seriously
My soon-to-be ex wife. Textbook DA. She doesn’t see any of it btw. So don’t blame the DA for how they act; they truly don’t know and can’t understand it when you tell them. They have to want to heal in order to do so. Just let it go before you completely tax yourself out. Find somebody else and feel unconditional love and support. It’s what I’m doing, and I could barely sleep last night from the excitement of the thought 😂
They told me that they didn't think they'd ever want a relationship, that friendships were better and provided all that they needed with no one in their space at night. But even friendships require communication, connection, attachment, and hopefully emotional intimacy. So what are they really saying? That seems like some deep repetitive wounding.
I’m an FA male, and really wish I weren't. I have friend-zoned when the person was special to me. The needs I said I wanted were going unmet, and I felt like they were never going to be met, so I friend-zoned because of the special connection I felt with that person.
@@transphotography The main ones that I can remember were growing together, transparency, and consistency. I trusted her 100%, but without these, the relationship started to feel increasingly foggy and unclear. Im gutted even to this day, she was amazing and loved being around her.
And something super bizarre about my ex I used to be talking to my friends and my family I was like she's like a robot you know like no emotions at all I mean she whould have emotions but it was bizarre One time I saw her briefly after the breakup really quick and literally she was like a robot emotionless but her eyes were just watery and like like they were running down but it was bizarre like not human
Tell him he is correct - these are totally normal feelings and are part of the grieving process. They are expected. He needs to respect your boundaries, full stop.
I drew the boundary and shes keeping it just barely afloat, says she doesnt want to lose me, but just wants to be friends. Doesnt want me to hate her or block her even though we spent a year working towards being in a committed relationship. The whole thing seems like a lie but i just dont know. I was clear that what she wants are girlfriend benefits and im not cool with being just fwb. She wants my resources, my time, my affection and understanding but is not willing to reciprocate at all anymore, out of nowhere. This is miserable but hell was last month. I guess its ultimatum time.
I feel like this advice is not for everyone. Like he said, if you can't handle being friends with your ex, that's understandable, but it doesn't have to apply to every situation, depends on the situation. I will say 9/10 times it applies, but I stayed in touch with certain exes casually with no drama. But what I don't get is this avoidant dude who I've been friends with 10+ yrs off and on, we got briefly romantic before he left with no goodbye, etc. came back a year or so later, it was water under the bridge but then a few years later we started getting romantic and I asked where he wanted to take things. he said he didn't want to put a label on it ... I said, so, "friends...acquaintances...?" he put it back on me that I was the one who felt the need for a label but continued leaving me in limbo then started pulling away so I thought "ok the romance must be too much pressure let me stick with being friends" then he just stopped responding, however he later said he always gets friend zoned and I'm thinking... maybe its because you didn't want to put a label on anything else or because you didn't actually take the time to become friends with your romantic interest and that's kind of essential for long-term success.... ??? I don't get it. How do you get friend zoned when you never wanted to admit or commit to being more than friends?? I need answers or I just need to move on and get with somebody that makes sense
In my experience, when a guy says he "doesn't want to put a label on it," what he means is, "I want to sleep with you but not date you." He probably feels like he's getting friend zoned because nobody is interested in going to bed with him
10 yrs is alot of time to be invested in someone who not giving you what you want . Move on and find a real person that want to commit. Have you followed Mathew Hussey
What happens if the partner accepts the avoidant's offer believing his need to "work on himself on his own" and after months of this friendship/relationship she "breaks up" with him and goes no contact because she is emotionally exausted? I'd be curious to hear both the partner's and the avoidant's perspective. Thank you for sharing these vids with us 💛
I specifically said, "No, we are married." Time for me to focus on me and he can live with his sponsor until he can figure out his crap. He can avoid all he wants. He's behaving like a dry drunk and I'm not having it anymore. Unacceptable behavior is Unacceptable! ❤
I want everyone reading this and listening to this to realize that human beings are not identified by their damage. You don’t identify with it and you don’t identify them by it don’t label people. The 21st century is an angsty place to be. The people you’re talking about are just human beings who have trauma. Compassion is appropriate, even if it is a distant compassion…
i totally agree. I also think, while the language isnt perfect, some of us need this discussion for compassion for ourselves too. to understand wtf is going on. Because yes. They are traumatized people. But so are we. And they hurt us badly. And some of us spend years spiraling blaming ourselves for being treated and dropped like trash. personally i want and need that acknowledged too.
I hate the fucking slow fade. You start to question your own sanity. I finally got the courage to leave and block them on social media. NO FRIENDSHIP!!
He told me he was just depressed and that’s honestly what I thought. We both struggle with it so the talks we had about it were very similar to when I was going through that too. I didn’t realize it was him slipping away from me and feel like such a fool for ignoring my intuition that something was wrong. Damned if you trust, damned if you don’t…
@lucygoosey69 mine always had excuses. Too tired, sleep deprived, had to eat, talk to someone, too broke, etc. All not to be available to me.. and I kept running after him.
@@Vesania6 the chase was fucking exhausting. I finally stopped doing it but I still feel crazy. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I hope you find peace somehow 💜 no one deserve this
We split up but remained friends on Snapchat. Wouldn’t snap each other but she would watch my stories. She posted a bouquet of sunflowers (which I always bought for her). I didn’t watch it and posted my own story to let her know I’m not watching. She didn’t watch my story that day and I removed her immediately lol
i was in a relationship with a girl who was committed to another guy . she was polygamous , that is what she has said to me ..i was madly in love with her , last month she told me her intentions to marry the other guy..i was shattered and i broke up with her by in the beginning of this month. she too extends her hand in friendship but i am confused. i am hurt and traumatized by the whole ordeal
If you do accept the friendship, you'll soon discover that they're not even a good friend, and you'll feel twice as bad. At the first red flag, and we all remember exactly what it was, we must choose to protect ourselves and disengage.
Accepting the offer of friendship is agreeing to be an Option.
I told my ex 'I dont have friends who treat me like this'
They are not very good friends anyways. friends to them are more "acquaintances"
Good point, good friendships require emotional intimacy also.
So true! I tired it with him for a bit and zero effort on his part
Just hurt me more - so I shut the door on friendship
It hurts me but I have to have self respect
And then there's the issue of every girlfriend before you being his current "acquaintance".
@@katherinemarkva7552 hm.. yeah f* that. I was the “live if his life” and yet he was a coward and cold even after .. I could tell he wanted me to beg him and chase him and be his friend and kiss ass - it hurt but I have self respect
You don’t want me as your future wife anymore - you will feel my absence 👋🏼 🚪 even if it hurts me
@@vv.8927 absent in his reality makes you present in your own. Where you are enough.
This happened to me in April. Lesson learned. Never accept the friend zone with someone you want intimacy with. Know your worth. She even told me "I knew you'd be there always..." Doesn't work that way. I'm not going to be there for someone who abandoned me after giving me hopes of a future. That pain is not worth it in any way.
When they’ve offered friendship after the discard it’s so cringe. It actually makes me feel sick and want to puke. How can we go from being in an intimate relationship to friends. That just tells me they never viewed the relationship as something serious.
Even just a friendship requires emotional connection.
The avoidant offers you NOTHING.
Couldn’t agree more
Just been in a relationship with an avoidant for the first time of my life… I’m more on the anxious side. In the beginning, it was heaven! I was perfect in her eyes! She told me that she was so lucky to have me in her life, made future plans, etc. Then, the slow fading began out of the blue. Tried everything to understand what was happening, to communicate….. only to receive no or vague answers. I finally put an end to all this. I couldnt take this nonsense anymore. Coach Ryan’s videos are amazingly accurate to what to expect with these avoidants. Nothing you want to try to save your relationship will work. Get out of their grasp ASAP.
it’s not really an offer of friendship, it’s a way of “letting you down easy” which resolves them of guilt. NEVER accept friendship!
They actually want the benefits of you without the fear of emotional intimacy, and the friendzone is right where that is. I would say their intention is not so much to resolve themselves of guilt. Its mainly to even prevent the 'abandonment' because with friendship their fears dont get triggered. Their neurobiology is literally different from how anxious/secure is.
But yeah, its still of bunch of steaming shit nonsense and selfish to the core.
my comment is based on what my wife of 31 years said to me.
i doubt she actually meant it!
@@coping_in_copeland_coperI agree with you but I also agree with the op in that this can also be an attempt to remove any guilt hereby also allowing them to not self reflect, no guilt, no thinking I’m a bad person, no reflection
I don’t think they have to time to feel guilty other than thinking about themselves 😂
Ii is purely for selfish reasons. Get that excitement when they are bored without any cost.
They are too self-obsessed.
At least for majority of them
But then there could be a spectrum ?
@@n19934 yep. I also agree. I just mean that this is a secondary reason, the primary being that fear of intimacy
"I offer you friendship"
I offer you abandonment 🤷🏻♂
They want your benifits without the commitment and responsiblity of a relationship
100%
My ex dismissive avoidant tried to make me feel guilty for that boundary by saying to me, “ you don’t think I’m good enough to be your friend?” …. At first I felt like a mean girl, but then I realized i would be breaking my own heart by doing something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t need his friendship or situationship. I wasn’t interested in knowing what his life would be like without me. Thank you for this confirmation video.
friendship, what an insult, no contact is se;f respect
They won't tell you it's friendship your gut will tell you something is off especially when after couple of years and nothing official between you both. They simply see you as their placeholder because they fear being alone
don't take the friendship - they just want benefits without any commitment. It's not out of love either. NC and don't look back. Speaking from my traumatising experience
Same here. Worst experience ever.
Canceled her check after I saw her for what she truly was. Dating is broken these days brothers and sisters.
friendships DO require emotional intimacy, at least real friendships do, which is why it's not possible to have it with avoidants, only situationships, and would you want to be friends with your ex while she/he is dating someone else without a care in the world? i doubt that
Did you know that us DAs are often secure in friendships and make great friends? The avoidance comes when we are pushed for romance by people we are not sure about.
@@jacl1923 great friends are those who can show empathy, compassion, people who self reflect, can admit to mistakes, take accountability, don't run from emotions that make them feel uncomfortable. in my experience severe avoidants are only great having a good time and fun, and at practical help not related to processing emotions, if you are not connected with your own emotions how will you relate with those of your friends. one of the last messages from my ex was something along lines: "my best friend is depressed but i can't talk to her because i would not have time to enjoy my trip and besides what do you even tell someone who is depressed". no, avoidants are not great friends. not in my eyes.
@@jacl1923yeah I seriously doubt that, more like fair weather friends who are only there for you when they need something or only when things are going good for the other person.
Not necessarily. My ex FA was never pushed into a relationship with me. He chose to be in the relationship. Apparently though, he couldn't handle it. I am secure, BTW, and don't need to push anyone. Some avoidants actually want a relationship.
@@jacl1923 Most of the time it's not a great friendship though. Someone selfish enough to value their independence more than the person who adores them and breaks up with them so they can keep doing whatever they want without answering to anyone is most likely going to bring that energy into a friendship, which is fine if you just want someone to hang out with and have fun with, but the moment the friend expresses any kind of need that may conflict with their independence, the avoidant will bail just like a romantic relationship. Avoidants will struggle to comfort a friend through tough times because that kind of thing makes them panic and want to run. And God forbid you have a fight or criticize them. They will respond the same way they would in a romantic relationship. By avoiding, stonewalling, maybe even ghosting. You could be "friends" with a DA for decades and they would likely still distance themselves from you when you need them most. What kind of friend is that?
Need to be very careful with this....they try and friendzone you without asking....then breadcrumb..infinitum
So true. My ex FA did the slow fade. I think he eventually thought of me as a friend even though I told him I would never be just his friend. That way he could monkey branch without feeling guilty. He even tried to minimize our four-year relationship like it never happened. I am happy to be rid of him. Never again.
He killed off all romantic feelings by ghosting for too long. My anger grows by the week. Why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me like that?, I prefer friendships where there is mutual respect. Being put in the friend zone is just like being bookmarked in case they don't find others to have s*x with.
Same
This is brilliant and let's you be authentic with how you feel while setting a healthy boundary at the same time. Even if you ex doesn't realize it, going no contact may force them to self reflect. I think this is best for both people to grieve, grow, and move forward.
This literally just happened to me 3 days ago out of nowhere. Totally blindsided by it. Turns out I'm in a crash course figuring out that she is a Fearful Avoidant. Things were amazing between us. Then this happened. Wow it hurts.
It sucks
Another instances/motivator I noticed:
They offer friendship bc they are not over the breakup completely, but want to have an emotional support safety blanket while they process GETTING OVER YOU so they KEEP YOU AROUND and act close, and may even be a good friend.
However, once they heal completely, ir better yet, find a new partner, you get completely dropped. They no longer need you because they've finally gotten over you.
Meanwhile, your own healing was delayed (if you still wanted more), or your genuine attempt at rebuilding a friendship is broken and you are discarded AGAIN.
Do NOT give them the chance to discard twice.
Yeah my ex did this as well. I had still hope of getting back together because we said we would wait 3 months and try again. After one month I got the "I am glad we are still friends", another month later she told me she was dating someone else. Never again will I stay friends with an ex.
@@snaakie I am sorry to hear it. I am not sure if it is different based on gender, but I have only dated men, and they do a total drop when they find someone new. I'm guessing with women some would, but others might try to friendzone into an orbiter-only status.
Break-ups with DAs are brutal. At least with the other attachment styles they tend to want to just cut it off completely at first. If they genuinely want to stay in touch and be friends, they go away to process and heal and may return years later in a platonic way without manipulation.
My friends have never been lovers. My lovers have never been ‘friends’. Start confusing the two and you’re really in trouble.
Coach Ryan, My BF of 7 mos did exacrly that today. He said he wasn't ready to be my partner - after 7 mos and then said he wants to remain friends. I am heartbroken and left feelung hopeful. Thank God this video just came up top in my feed. You put this in a light that makes total sense. I am crushed and cannot do the friend zone. Im an all or nothing kind of girl. Thank you for your video. You just saved another heart from further damage.
It should not be called the 'friend zone'. There is nothing friendly about it. It should be called the 'selfish self-centred hell zone' because that's how it feels. The DA is continuing to be emotionally selfish and self-centred thinking it's somehow all OK (exactly as Coach Ryan has described in this fabulous video)... while I go through hell all over again being in proximity to my ex when she is back in the country (we live in the same apartment block which is a nightmare).
Run absolutely run
My avoidant ex offered me such friendship. I told her I would need time. How much? I didn't know. But to be honest, I don't want that friendship because it's not a genuine friendship.
Been there and finally accepted the offer. Only to realize 3 mos later that I cannot be treated that way anymore. Told her that I'd disappear for some time to heal myself. Several weeks after that I contacted her and asked if it's ok if we resume communicating. The answer was a strict no. Now I suppose that I abandoned her in some way, thus received this reaction.
@sbya7229 it seems she has no respect for you. In my opinion, you should never have contacted her, and you should have just just moved on.
Since my avoidant ex discarded me ( about 4½ months ago), I've been in no contact, and I do not intend to reach out to her ever again. It was the first time she discarded me, and I won't give her the chance to do it a second time .
@@tabarnakopoulos good advice
Yes it is painful to leave because our feelings are genuine but it is going to be more painful if we stay 🥲
If only there’s someone who can stop them from dating ! I feel for the next one my DA will catch
Just out of a relationship with an avoidant that went just this way. She decided she didn’t want to be in a relationship and kinda castigated me for not being able to accept being friends with her. But unrequited love is so emotionally draining and painful. A real shame because we shared so many interests and beliefs.
Exact same story here😢
I've been through the same couple months ago, traveling half the way across the country for her to be there for her when she was going through a lot, 3 days into living with her she said, "it's like going to a film with expectation, and coming out with nothing, let's be friends keep it open" ( with a lot of other harsh things) so I packed my bags and i left, while I was leaving she ended it from her side.
I still think about it sometimes, what did I do wrong! Lol
@@ThusharbabluSame thing here, with a guy. People with avoidant attachment will look for any excuse for not connecting, and it’s nothing you did wrong - it’s their fears clouding their judgment. They set impossible expectations so they can justify their retreat. They will always find something that’s a dealbreaker, because they’d rather chase someone good away than run the risk of getting attached and then losing them.
Listen, if you like them romantically you CANNOT be friends with them. Don’t fool yourself thinking you can. You’ll just end up torturing yourself. Walk away.
I’ve been thinking about this today and trying to figure out if in fact, I could be friends.
I think you’re right, that’s not gonna work
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@edwardclarkson-ph1kl it's ok. I was with my ex-wife for 16 years, married 15 of those. We have 2 children together. It's been nearly 2 years since she told me she wanted a divorce. It hurt so much. I was broken, defeated, helpless. Find a support network. Friends to hang out with, do the things you enjoyed before her. It may not apply to you, but I gave up a lot of what I loved to be with my now ex-wife because she hated the things that made me happy. Do those things again. Understand the freedom you have now. Don't chase love. Don't let others determine your worth. Set boundaries in new relationships. Don't let people use you. I'm saying all this from my own personal experience, so if it applies, great, if it doesn't, it is what it is. But I think something that applies to all of us in this situation is don't chase that feeling. Grow as a man. Grow as Edward. Do the things that make you happy, as long as it's legal 😅. Learn to be single. Become the best version of you that's possible. And don't change the core of your being for anyone else. That's my biggest takeaway from my experience. Changing yourself to make others happy only results in no one being happy. Find someone who loves the real you, flaws and all. I've been through it. It sucks ass. But it's not the end of the world. Good luck, bro. You are not alone.
Ryan you really lay it on the line easier than most others doing these videos on UA-cam. This is soooo my situation. After a few months of “love bombing”, and her saying ALL the stuff you talk about in other videos, she did the classic slow fade, dropped off of texts and seemed incapable of showing any love or affection whatsoever.
This shit HURTS. It drove me crazy, and I realized I became way more anxious than I ever thought I would after years of being more of a secure type.
I finally confronted her on many issues and basically gently poured my heart out. Her reaction was the usual “I can’t give you what you need” and I just “can’t balance my life and be in a relationship” and it’s “not fair to you”.. then 😂 immediately followed up with “I still want to be good friends but if that’s not ok I understand” .. and I gently told her that while that’s a nice idea, it would never work for me because “ every time I see you I’d want to hold you and kiss you”.. sure didn’t get much of a response to that lol. So I followed it up with a nice goodbye letter, wishing her the best, telling her that I appreciated the good times.
Anyways, thanks Ryan, and that’s my story
7 years of this has been the most draining, hurtful and damaging chapter in my life.
It took me until he suddenly met someone else two weeks ago to be able to remove myself from the friendzone that I had been moved in and out of four times, yet every time wanting to keep me as a close and intimate friend, without ever putting him self on the line.
As painful as it was to learn that he had suddenly fallen in love with somone, it has been a huge relief - my jail break to get out of a terrible merry-go-around that I couldnt otherwise get off.
I now have a chance to heal and recover and look at my own insecure attachment style, and the ways that my own fears of abandonement play out... It takes teo to tango.
Mine didn’t offer friendship, just a painful discard and erased from memory.
Thank you! I'm doing the right thing. I'm holding my boundaries and it feels great. ❤😊
This happened once and i disappeared completely. 😊 we’re not friends, access denied 🙅🏽♀️
I just said to them I want a relationship or nothing and I got nothing - actually I got life with no trouble instead. ;)
same here. with my wife who refused me as a partner again and again
This literally happened to me. It’s so scary how everything he said played out exactly how it did in my life. I met a girl who I discovered now is a fearful avoidant. She love bombed me a few weeks into meeting. Had unhealed trauma from being broken up with a month prior to us meeting. I was beginning to like her too. We had amazing moments in our four months together. She began to distance herself and got busy working and moving to a place of her own. Cut contact with me for a month or two. Barely replying. Then after I confronted her about it, she said she wanted to be friends and that she “didn’t want to lose me” I walked away and wished her well. It’s been over 6 months and I’m still devastated over it and miss the hell out of her 😢
Dealt with something similar…they are not emotionally available have to let it go. Better will come 👍🏽
You’ll heal and you’ll be happy again.
They wanna "be your friend" so they can hit it. Period. Facts. Say NO
Bingo! We were "unstoppable" 48 hours before she dropped me like a rock; then, when i reached out because i loved her she said she loved me and wanted some space to see whether she could give me what i needed. Then she used me for a couple of weeks to get over me and ditched me again Over text both times. In the second discard she.mentioned she would love to remain close in the future after some time has passed. Fast forward 6 months - the worst of my life- she sent me a happy birthday text. She always said she is different in that she talks with her exes.. she is doing it also for her karma... Coach Ryan you are a legend you have helped me so much during difficult times.. the pain of an abrupt discard after that person professing their love talking about having a family literally a few hours before is unreal. Needless to say that I did not reply to her second discard text.. and when she reached out to say happy birthday I just replied that I don't feel I deserved her treatment and don't want to remain close in any way shape or form
Oh thank goodness. I’m glad for you. That person is so selfish.
Speaking from personal experience, don't do it. You'll just be confused and miserable.
This is good info, but in my experience if you really like them, and they want to bond with you, they are feeling something significant that takes a slow burn love to get them to trust you bit by bit. They are afraid and need to distance themselves from time to time, including telling you to be a friend. However, consistently be their for them and you may end up together one day, it may be worth it. It's up to you to decide if you want to do it. Understanding and consistency is what allows them to open up bit by bit.
Yes! Trust takes time for most relationships to be solid. "Avoidants" don't want to be used up and then dumped (they're trying to avoid that).
He asked to be friends after he shattered my heart to pieces by bringing in a 3rd party into our relationship. He lied about her the whole time. Im taking my energy back and he can wallow in his Karma.
SMH, once again they’re looking out solely for themselves. I’ll pass, I want nothing to do with you especially as I’m still healing from the discard. They are so selfish. 💔
yup it was only about protecting themselves. I couldn't even remotely consider friends unless I was fully moved on AND they took serious accountability/apologized/realized their fault in the relationship and how it ended. I highly doubt this will happen. So It's over.
I told him "I don't sleep with my friends. I love you too much to be friends with you."
He was upset. He is miserable now.
Fantastic line. Im going to use it.
This video is so articulated and accurate! You described literally what happens recently on my breakup. My avoidant ex literally asked if we could remain friends and I said no exactly for these reasons. We ended in good terms and I’m happy for that, but I wanted to be his wife, it his buddy
Being an avoidant myself, dealing with another avoidant - that is cool with me. I will just friendzone him back and move on. Every really good true love story starts with friendship. We never really knew each other at all.
Thank you for this message, it makes complete sense. Sometimes an avoidant will ask for only friendship, because they think that is all they deserve, because they were never loved or cared for as a child.
~ KRH ~
Maybe they really want to get to know a person before getting intimate... Yes! every true love story SHOULD start with friendship.
@@LaraH-hl5wg Not in my situation. I asked to be friends, but he pushed me really hard for more. ~ KRH ~
@@SoutheastDivine That happened to me as well, I lost what I thought was a really good friend. He was more like a brother to me and I was not attracted to him at all. He told me he didn't want to talk to me for a year, it's been twelve, lol. Oh well, his loss.
@@LaraH-hl5wg I am sorry this happened to you. Boyfriends are one thing, but close friends are harder to lose. ~ KRH ~
@@SoutheastDivineyour partner is definitely closer than a best a friend. From an intimacy standpoint.
Ohh this happened to me a month ago. A guy who had been flirting with me, and told all his friends he liked me, did a 180° as soon as I returned the interest and told me he wasn't in a position to get involved and wanted things to stay how they were. I told him hell no, why was he playing with my heart, and I called him a coward. So now we both hurt lol. Sad outcome but at least I dished back what I was served?
Oh dear. I hoope you find the one soon❤
Next time don’t be like them
One of the greatest explanations on this topic I have heard , thanks coach Ryan 👍🙂
Wow! This is so true. I get it now. Wow. Wow. I couldn't put my finger on it. You got it. Thank you. Thank you. I've been so hurt. Didn't understand what happened to me. I don't want to let him go, but I think I get it now. I've blocked him. Set boundaries. Still he wants to be the avoidant. Ty
I got an “offer” too. Wow! I feel so special😁 how can I resist? 😁😁😁
I needed to hear this 😔 🙏🏼
You are so helpful, thank you 🙏
My husband slowly faded out in the last year by being super critical of me whilst he was seeing another woman. Took me a while to work out what was going on. Then he wanted to be friends. Wtf. No way.
Only absolving themselves of guilt. I told my ex "No thanks, my friends don't treat me like that"
“One does not become enlightened
by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness: conscious.
Until you make the unconscious: conscious, it will direct your life
and you will call it fate.” ~ Carl Jung
You’re more than a Queen. Not that a Queen is limiting
because that’s the highest highness
of a most intelligent courageous beauty
amongst women.
You do embody a perfect emanating expression of a Queen.
The icing on the cake is your Divine limitlessness
that is in tune with her being. You’re evolution.
Thank you for sharing and expressing.
I sense your passion for yourself
and your passion for standing for justice
of your worth.
I’m grateful for the love you have for yourself.
You’re badass.
You are amazing. So on point. Thank you 💕
I was friend zoned for a few months but went along with it so I could help them recondition their trauma even if it ended up with it not going anywhere/get stung by it and besides initially I wasnt sure if I even wanted them as a girlfriend yet. Despite that they were still very on board with seeing me a lot and surprisingly very open on intimacy and their deepest fears, so I couldnt really complain for a time because my needs were getting met but of course that developed into having genuine feelings for her. In the end it has panned out, been over a year with her and its been the best investment I made. Only warning is dont stay in the friendzone too long or they will potentially move on, youll have to mentally prepare yourself to let that person go if theyre not on board with also being in a relationship with you as hard as it is. And thats assumming they arent stringing you along and arent all in to wanting to meet most of your needs.
It's good hearing stories like this as this was my approach as well,wishing you the best,I'm currently doing the same thing with my avoidant but i fear I might be staying in the zone too long because I had a financial set back & since we are long distance she may now feel like I'm lying or abandoning her because of this
@@afrolessninja In my experience Id try and overexplain stuff with a lot of detail when something worried me or couldnt make time to talk with them and thankfully they trust me enough to know I dont make stuff up, helps I have a record of only lying once but that was because I was at one point trying to avoid being vulnerable when my anxiety was just flaring up. Its really hard to walk that path after knowing just how much can go wrong but I was just way too attached to her at that point where I truly wanted to help and Im thankful they could tell I was serious about it.
@@gatorssbm I definitely give great details when I tell my story,we do this to each other because we are also learning each others languages,so knowing we have communication like that makes me a little more hopeful but still guarded 🛡️🖤
Not sure if the results would be the same if the FA was a male. The first thing that left the relationship was intimacy and I stayed thinking he couldn't continue to deny me night after night. Turns out he was purposely sabotaging the relationship to get me to leave him and alleviate guilt.
@@vanzikky Only referring to my girlfriend in the whole comment and no one else so no.
I appreciate your videos! You’re the only person not giving advice on how to coddle and kiss the ssa of avoidants!
Ha I let my situationship stay for a year as my roommate until that became a push and pull. I made him leave. I love him but I love me more. Sad because he's a good good guy!
Thank you! Great explanation 🔥🙏❤️
This was so true for my case. Love bombing, telling me on thing on text then was a different person. After almost a year together his energy changed, he became cold and distant and kept telling me I was so beautiful and to not settle for less than I deserve. Then he said we should take a break just out of the blue.
Lol. I got the old "don't settle" line too
@@wizardofaus2985 It’s like if you don’t want a relationship or it freaks you out then just don’t get into one seriously
@@ShopgirlNY182 ikr? I don't understand.... like a fly to a spider, they lure you into their Web and then digest you whole... leaving nothing but an empty shell.
thank you. i needed this at 3am with insomina because of this situation ❤
I told her that I can’t be friends with her and watch her date other men. If she has pride, so do I!
good for you. I agree that is the best way to deal with that
Thankyou so much. I really needed to see this and take on board the lesson. Thankyou for your wisdom and guidance. ❤🙏❤️
My ex wanted friends with benefits, saying he doesn’t do relationships (after 2 years together). It’s selfish.
No contact is my permanent boundary with my ex wife. I have already blocked her phone number and email addresses, as well as having permanently deleted all of my social media accounts. This is not an act of malice towards her but an act of respect for our healing and for our future partners. Besides, we live 2,000 kilometers apart.
Thanks!
My best friend and I have been really close for years. He confessed he wanted more. It was mutual. He then said nevermind I'm not ready and has been cold and distant. I miss the hell out of my friend! 😮 I'm getting breadcrumbed and it's heartbreaking. I lost him, his kids, the laughter, the safety, the feeling of home. It sucks!
Move on. That person is wastingnyour time.
Such a confusing two years.
Love bombed then always going to him. Never went out, always empty promises.
Asked to be patient.
Two years is up buddy. No more BS.
No more playing,hiding,no intimacy,no kisses.
What was I thinking 😔
Going to him as his place? My avoidant ex was like that - she preferred her place over mine, probably because it was "simpler" and required no effort.
Yep I experienced this too. To a T
Dude, I was the one that got dumped and I was the one suggested we be friends. And he agreed. Thing is that he went right back into the ghosting and the phone blocking stupidity. See, he had the chance to keep me in that friend zone where you don' t have to be accountable emotionally and all the other things you said, but he proved he COULDN'T be just friends with me. I asked him to please come by and set up my new tv a year ago. It took forever to get him to do it. When he did, he showed up with the worst 'stink face' look like my place was the absolute last place he wanted to be, but guess what? He stayed ten hours that day, then turned around and came back to give me a swivel shelf for said tv, the next day for another ten hours. He's still attracted to me and that's why he can't or won't just be my friend. That's why he ghosts me, and that's why he blocks my number on one phone, but doesn't have my work phone number blocked. I agree with you that it's not necessary; that blocking, and ghosting and all that madness is cowardly and a character choice, but I also know that when somebody's not interested in you, there's no need for all that energy going into the ghosting and blocking etcetera because the avoidant just wouldn't care.
It’s not a character thing. It is a mental illness. People with mi generally can’t process emotions and thoughts in a ‘normal’ way. Coach Ryan is spot on but not a psychologist or psychiatrist. Every personality disorder is complex, especially because it often doesn’t come on its own. It often is comorbid with depression, OCD, panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, BP traits. As my ex said: ‘I don’t want to isolate, but I do it anyway’. That is what mental illness is. She didn’t want to ghost/ discard me, but her self-hate was so overwhelming that she believed I and the world were better off without her. Also, they are so confused inside, and agitated by the many fears, knowing there is something seriously wrong with them, in their life, that they project it onto others and the world around them. It is a serious illness and the illness affects their perceptions, character and will. Compassion and friendship are needed. Including compassion for ourselves, who grieve what could have been.
Sounds to me like he's happy to be a friend with benefits, only coming to you when he feels like it.
@@LydiaKettle Who said anything about benefits? Did I mention benefits? No.
I didn't understand this myself. Like don't they think ahead to when you go on and date other people? Doesn't that bother them that you might go ahead and do that?
“That I don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know how you’re doing”
True sometimes! But when you're on the receiving end of despicable betrayal you have the right surely to decline the offer...
And I would like to add...we agreed to be friends...then we had lunch. He sees his buddy and introduced me as his date. When we were sitting alone, I asked" is this a date? No response... awkward
I said, well, silence is a response. Not too long after that day, the slow fade began. We all make mistakes and hopefully learn the lesson so we don't have to repeat it!!!
sounds like he wanted a trophy to show off in front of his friends, but no expectations or real commitment to you
The avoidant wanted me to offer him to never speak to him again. He wanted me to end things.
Could it be that some severe avoidants, particularly DAs just get bored, and would like to experience the honeymoon phase with someone new, so that's why they offer you the friendship "solution"? I don't know, but lately that's pretty much the only conclusion I can come to.
Yes imo. They are keeping you on the back burner, obviously they are going to have "some honeymoon fun" out and about, they know we are desperately love them, and they monkey-branch, in case plan B does notwork out they can always entretain the idea of getting back to a cycle with and make us crazy and hurt again. They are truly insufferable ugh.
as an avoidant, i can tell you my experience, no, it is not a game of keeping someone on standby, and its not about looking for "honeymoon" fun...it is very hard to connect to someone, so i dont run around dating and having crushes or anything like that...trying to have a relationship is just very difficult and requires a lot of work on myself and an emphatic partner...i know, there are not too many people out there, that can and are willing to deal with someone as complex as me...and i do understand that. But as tragic as it can be, i am grateful for every woman that i shared love and life expereince with...and most of them said similar things about me...despite the often very negative and derogative comments we avoidents get bashed with in most YT commentaries!
I told her i only have room for one other person in my life. She just ignored what I said and carryed on talking, eventually she'll have to take it seriously
Makes perfect sense! Very interesting information. Thank you.😮
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you !!
Exactly he offered me friendship i blocked him totally no way. 😂 But anyway he found other ways to reach out but i didn't buy it
My soon-to-be ex wife. Textbook DA. She doesn’t see any of it btw. So don’t blame the DA for how they act; they truly don’t know and can’t understand it when you tell them. They have to want to heal in order to do so. Just let it go before you completely tax yourself out. Find somebody else and feel unconditional love and support. It’s what I’m doing, and I could barely sleep last night from the excitement of the thought 😂
the friendzone-the place where men go to die.....thats like keeping your dog after it dies smh
They told me that they didn't think they'd ever want a relationship, that friendships were better and provided all that they needed with no one in their space at night. But even friendships require communication, connection, attachment, and hopefully emotional intimacy. So what are they really saying? That seems like some deep repetitive wounding.
Exactly. No investment into a friendship either. That's why I said no.
I’m an FA male, and really wish I weren't. I have friend-zoned when the person was special to me. The needs I said I wanted were going unmet, and I felt like they were never going to be met, so I friend-zoned because of the special connection I felt with that person.
I can completely relate (I’m an FA female).
What needs?
@@transphotography The main ones that I can remember were growing together, transparency, and consistency. I trusted her 100%, but without these, the relationship started to feel increasingly foggy and unclear. Im gutted even to this day, she was amazing and loved being around her.
Omg! Thank you! 🙏
And something super bizarre about my ex I used to be talking to my friends and my family I was like she's like a robot you know like no emotions at all
I mean she whould have emotions but it was bizarre
One time I saw her briefly after the breakup really quick and literally she was like a robot emotionless but her eyes were just watery and like like they were running down but it was bizarre like not human
When I denied friendship he told me that I’m mad and I hold grudges
Tell him he is correct - these are totally normal feelings and are part of the grieving process. They are expected. He needs to respect your boundaries, full stop.
I drew the boundary and shes keeping it just barely afloat, says she doesnt want to lose me, but just wants to be friends. Doesnt want me to hate her or block her even though we spent a year working towards being in a committed relationship. The whole thing seems like a lie but i just dont know. I was clear that what she wants are girlfriend benefits and im not cool with being just fwb. She wants my resources, my time, my affection and understanding but is not willing to reciprocate at all anymore, out of nowhere. This is miserable but hell was last month. I guess its ultimatum time.
Leave her and save yourself, please save yourself.
I feel like this advice is not for everyone. Like he said, if you can't handle being friends with your ex, that's understandable, but it doesn't have to apply to every situation, depends on the situation. I will say 9/10 times it applies, but I stayed in touch with certain exes casually with no drama. But what I don't get is this avoidant dude who I've been friends with 10+ yrs off and on, we got briefly romantic before he left with no goodbye, etc. came back a year or so later, it was water under the bridge but then a few years later we started getting romantic and I asked where he wanted to take things. he said he didn't want to put a label on it ... I said, so, "friends...acquaintances...?" he put it back on me that I was the one who felt the need for a label but continued leaving me in limbo then started pulling away so I thought "ok the romance must be too much pressure let me stick with being friends" then he just stopped responding, however he later said he always gets friend zoned and I'm thinking... maybe its because you didn't want to put a label on anything else or because you didn't actually take the time to become friends with your romantic interest and that's kind of essential for long-term success.... ??? I don't get it. How do you get friend zoned when you never wanted to admit or commit to being more than friends?? I need answers or I just need to move on and get with somebody that makes sense
Run, this isn’t a relationship, and it won’t be one. Make room for someone that wants to be with you, who prioritizes you!
In my experience, when a guy says he "doesn't want to put a label on it," what he means is, "I want to sleep with you but not date you." He probably feels like he's getting friend zoned because nobody is interested in going to bed with him
Sounds familiar.
@@MollieFrieWeevilGenius exactly, friends with benefits
10 yrs is alot of time to be invested in someone who not giving you what you want .
Move on and find a real person that want to commit.
Have you followed Mathew Hussey
What happens if the partner accepts the avoidant's offer believing his need to "work on himself on his own" and after months of this friendship/relationship she "breaks up" with him and goes no contact because she is emotionally exausted?
I'd be curious to hear both the partner's and the avoidant's perspective.
Thank you for sharing these vids with us 💛
I specifically said, "No, we are married." Time for me to focus on me and he can live with his sponsor until he can figure out his crap. He can avoid all he wants. He's behaving like a dry drunk and I'm not having it anymore. Unacceptable behavior is Unacceptable! ❤
wow he wanted to be friends after getting married?
I want everyone reading this and listening to this to realize that human beings are not identified by their damage. You don’t identify with it and you don’t identify them by it don’t label people.
The 21st century is an angsty place to be.
The people you’re talking about are just human beings who have trauma. Compassion is appropriate, even if it is a distant compassion…
i totally agree. I also think, while the language isnt perfect, some of us need this discussion for compassion for ourselves too. to understand wtf is going on.
Because yes. They are traumatized people. But so are we. And they hurt us badly. And some of us spend years spiraling blaming ourselves for being treated and dropped like trash. personally i want and need that acknowledged too.
I hate the fucking slow fade. You start to question your own sanity. I finally got the courage to leave and block them on social media. NO FRIENDSHIP!!
He told me he was just depressed and that’s honestly what I thought. We both struggle with it so the talks we had about it were very similar to when I was going through that too. I didn’t realize it was him slipping away from me and feel like such a fool for ignoring my intuition that something was wrong. Damned if you trust, damned if you don’t…
@lucygoosey69 mine always had excuses. Too tired, sleep deprived, had to eat, talk to someone, too broke, etc. All not to be available to me.. and I kept running after him.
@@Vesania6 the chase was fucking exhausting. I finally stopped doing it but I still feel crazy. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I hope you find peace somehow 💜 no one deserve this
@@lucygoosey69 🖤
Just leave them alone. They ultimately aren't worth the time.
No will never be friends. After 2 years then just tossed out of the blue. Said it was just the sex for him. His loss. He needs help.
We split up but remained friends on Snapchat. Wouldn’t snap each other but she would watch my stories. She posted a bouquet of sunflowers (which I always bought for her). I didn’t watch it and posted my own story to let her know I’m not watching. She didn’t watch my story that day and I removed her immediately lol
It is definitely, not a good idea. I would rather say ´´get off my way´´.
Excelent! 👏👏👏
Just block its about them
i was in a relationship with a girl who was committed to another guy . she was polygamous , that is what she has said to me ..i was madly in love with her , last month she told me her intentions to marry the other guy..i was shattered and i broke up with her by in the beginning of this month. she too extends her hand in friendship but i am confused. i am hurt and traumatized by the whole ordeal