The Cure for Unrequited Love
Вставка
- Опубліковано 17 лип 2017
- The real cruelty of unrequited love is that we don’t get to know our beloveds well enough to find out their flaws - and therefore to lose interest in them gradually. The best cure for love is in essence: get to know them better.
Enjoying our UA-cam videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/iWdtx
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/P6FFo
FURTHER READING
“For intense periods of our lives, we suffer the agony of unrequited love. Our sorrow is accompanied by a certainty that if only the elusive being would return our smiles, come for dinner or marry us, we would know bliss. Epochal happiness seems tantalisingly close, wholly real and yet maddeningly out of reach. At such moments, we are often counselled to try to forget the beloved. We should - given their lack of interest - try to think of something or someone else. Yet this kindness is deeply misguided. The cure for love does not lie in ceasing to think of the fugitive lover, but in learning to think more intensely and constructively about who they might really be…”
You can read more on this and other subjects here: goo.gl/NVxJUw
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLrelationships
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
X: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Andrew Foerster
www.rewfoe.com/ #TheSchoolOfLife
A moment of silence for everyone that love and care for someone who doesn't return that affection back to them.
Thank you💜
💚
🙏🏼🕊💛🕊❤️🕊🙏🏼
Thanks... 😥
Moment of silence for me... 😊🙏
"How can you break up with someone who wasn't even yours?" Damn.
Because that makes it feel SO much fucking better, right? Every video like this is full of shit.
@@AHelpingHand
Yeah, it hurts more than it helps, especially when you're depressed
😅
@@LermaBean it hurts more when you have to let go sometimes of someone you never really had than when its someone you had, that is my experience
This hit me hard
Unrequited love doesn’t mean just crushes. You can understand a person very well, know about all their flaws and still love them. It’s incredibly frustrating but yes, it happens as just requited love happens.
That's what I'm experiencing right now
I’m going through it right now. Over two weeks later and it still hurts so much.
Been dealing with this for over a decade. I can't seem to get over him. My heart hurts all the time.
@Nabaneet Sharma gooood pooooint
That’s what I’m dealing with. I love him but he rejected me. I didn’t mean to seem like a pit bull going after and after him, but I craved talking to him and being around him. It’s just so sad that he acts the way he acts because I understand him so well, but he acts like im a stranger
The cure for unrequited love is self-love.
Stacey Biddle yes I just learned this 👍🏽
Facts!!
Masturbation?
Sadly that is the only way out.
But how to learn that
crushes are usually an attraction to the idea of a person instead of who the person really is.
This video could literally have just been that sentence, and had as much meaning.
But what if it's a person you're close to and you know their problems?
Then what I have isn't a crush.
You can never have an attraction to who somebody really is, because you never see who they really are. We can only experience reality via our internal representations of it, we never experience reality directly. In essence everything we experience is a metaphor, the map is not the territory. But aside from that, I see your point that there's a great deal of difference between knowing somebody really well, versus barely knowing somebody. Just thought I'd add that layer of consideration :)
purnay en Succinctly put!
So you're telling me my crush isn't perfect in every way? Blasphemy.
Nahaha WoW 🤣😜
Nahaha WoW 😂🤣😂
😂😂😂
I know right my man is perfect 😍😂
Good one 😄😄
The only cure for unrequited love is zero contact. I put myself through five years of torture loving someone who couldn't love me back. It's been a few years since I've seen them and I'm finally starting to heal.
yeah... try 9 years... glad you are feeling better.
I see her almost once a week. I feel an intense knot in my stomach every time she drives past me or I bump into her at the mall. 💔
And then get rejected and wrecked again
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 There is someone out there for you who will make you understand the reason it didn't work out with anyone else. Stay strong buddy.
@@MrItsjustmeok I wish she is with me right now because a lot of good women at college are taken/not interested
Unrequited love has always been the story of my life and here I am 30 years old and still single. 😔
You are not alone
I’m 24 and never been in a relationship. I’m actually in love someone who doesn’t love me back and most likely never will. I never know what to do or how to respond. It’s hard saying this but I will always care for her regardless of how she feels and that feeling is such a double edge sword. Anyway thanks for letting me share.
@@davidmarksphotos Be proud of yourself. To love someone is a beautiful thing. Whether they love you back is out of your control. Don't get caught up in what you could do to change that. People go where they want to go. Give yourself time to heal, you will make it.
@@davidmarksphotos have you told her how you feel or are you expecting her to guess. It's not as though you need permission to declare your feelings and what have you got to lose...you've got nothing now so how bad can it get?
@@davidmarksphotos Goshhh, same here, but for a guy...
Maybe I don't know the definition of unrequited love then? I was in love with my best friend for years. I knew they weren't perfect and I knew of all their annoying traits and it changed nothing, the good outweighed the bad. The cure for that scenario was heartbreak and distance lol
Im in that exact situation right now, ive known this girl for The last 4 years and I still think the positives far outweigh the negatives. I feel like im just kind of stuck in this position and I have No Control over it.
Same boat
Why is this so relatable... hes my best friend. He likes my other best friend and she likes him too... I...
help why is this me. the biggest problem is he loves me but not the way i love him. how do i even get over this??
Same, except heartbreak and distance hasn't cured me yet. I know her very well. She was my best friend for many years. I always knew that the attraction was one-sided and I was right. She knows my flaws and I know hers. I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on psychotherapy for this. I want to believe that there is an end for this, it feels like I've tried everything to get rid of these thoughts. Is it bad that I've given myself a date many years into the future, and if I haven't gotten over this by then, I will pick the other option? I honestly struggle to cope. I want to change so bad.
But.. what if you get to know them and love them despite their flaws ? Isn't that how all people fall in love? In spite of the small annoying traits?
Merph Moriconi Well yes, but this video is saying that the reason we stay stuck on people who don't love us back is because we don't know them well enough to understand that they have flaws and would eventually irritate us like every other human being. We see them is a passionate, loveable state, and wonder why they don't love us back, but in order to make this reality, you also have to take the time to understand their faults and not just the surface details. Then you can have that kind of love.
then you're in it deep, buddy.
Good luck
Paul Hernandez too bad most people missed this point. You put it very well though. Your comment needs more attention.
Merph Moriconi that's a good point but.. I think you can't really love LOVE someone unless they also love you back. You can and should accept the person for who he is, with all his flaws but to love him truthfully you need to know that you as well are accepted for who you are and loved equally.
Anne S. Exactly, if they don't love you back with the same passion that you love them then it wasn't meant to be. I for one found that the friend zone is great for me, I have several women in my life that make up for my emotional and intellectual needs and one who on occasion makes up for my sexual needs. I love them all dearly and they also love me but none of us are "in love" with each other. Since I have many different interests they fill those gaps in my life and all of them are rooting for me to find my true love lol and I find that very sweet of them. :)
I have an issue with this video. What about those in love with their best friend, such as myself? I know all of her bad habits. I've seen her reactions in relationships. I know all of her quirks and irksome qualities, yet I love her regardlessly. She knows it too. We've discussed it on multiple occasions. What then? I've known her for 6 years, been in love with her for 5, been in love with her to the point of distraction for 3 1/2 years, and she's known I love her for a few months now. That's also unrequited love and it hurts more than anything. It hurts her too, which hurts me even further. That is my problem with this video.
Same here too!
Same!
@@kcrismp u can only leave them both lol..
or just stick as ur normal relationship with them if u can handle it..
Yeah have to get out of there dude
It’s gonna be so hard but you can’t keep simping for her it’s just gonna hurt you so much in the long run, I know this from personal sixpence. As cliche as it sounds there is some out there for you, and it’s not her. You gotta take a break from her until your feelings are gone. In my case I had to completely stop talking to my friend of 4 years that I had deep feelings for. It sucks trust me but you can’t keep going with unrequited love it, kills you mentally and physically.
Nothing is more painful than loving someone who can never be yours especially if you've already invested your time and effort. But even how painful it is we can't deny that loving him is what makes us happy at the same time.
Wow. That sure is True, You will always love her, in time that love and affection remains but it will only be as a friend, When romantic love we long for or wish with her or with a particular person is not given back to us, our feelings will fade through time yes, but we will always care for that person. Just never give up on love, we may fail many times, but there will always be that one person really meant for us.
😭😭
How poetic and deep.
Just love them without expecting love in return, and stop thinking that youre doing smthing.. just feel youre investing your time and resources in your own happiness.. this is tough but will surely lessen your pain.. and remember one thing , someone somewhere must be thinking and caring for you equally.. and remember there would be a day you will feel happiest for him not loving you back.. because someone would be loving you more than you can think unconditionally... 💞
İt makes you happy when you are with her/him you feel extreme pleasure but when you seperate it is all misery and torment
except you can easily love someone despite their flaws. in fact, i would argue that we love despite flaws all the time, that the very definition of love is acceptance
Susan B exactly how I felt a couple months ago. I tried to see her flaws, but it just grew worse and worse. it made me more attracted, because it made her more unique and special. The real cure from my experience is distance and time. You can't forget, but eventually over time, the feeling will go
your replies are the reason why i love school of life and the internet.
she was special cuz I made her special ....Now I undrastand my fault .
distance+time and unfollow them on social media. stop stalking. n maybe, just maybe. youll learn to live with the pain till the wound in your heart heals and turn into a scar. n like any scar, it is a proof that once you were wounded and survived. again.. stop stalking..
But the bad thing is when girl start liking me alot and fall in love with me im just gonna be cold cuz i remember the pain and she gonna feel bad ... the world is fucked up some times
I found out that my crush doesn't watch School of Life videos, and I was like, ew.
hahaha not liking school of life = THE ULTIMATE FLAW
They are clearly not worth the effort!
Cynical bastards! (by the way, gave you +1 for this reply)
+The School of Life. Best reply ever lol
If I was married, that would be a reason for divorce for me!
There's a great "Twilight Zone" episode called "The Chaser." It's about a man, hopelessly in love with an unavailable woman, who meets a merchant who sells him a love potion. After finally making her fall in love with him, he realizes she's not all he hoped she would be. A good lesson for all of us incurable romantics.
Wow. Love this! Thanks for sharing. I will now have to find this episode and watch it.
Just watched this on DailyMotion. Most excellent suggestion
It hurts more when you know they love someone else but it isn’t you….
That's why I'm in my bedroom for a few months depressed after college last year. All those rejections drained me.
For me, I think this was implied. My crush knew my feelings for her because I told her, but she refers to me as her brother. FYI, she is my personal trainer. They say find a hobby to keep yourself busy. For me, keeping fit IS my hobby.
I guess social media only exacerbates this unrequited love
Now we fall in love with pixels on a screen and define people by their 7 second clips
Nardo Films exactly
Yep
this is literally me
Can't stop stalking her, dude.
Down bad
More importantly, you need to know yourself better. Unrequited love is delicious because we already feel inadequate -- our idealization of the other person is a symptom of this. But why do we feel inadequate in the first place? What experiences in our life made us feel this way, and how do our current habits and thoughts and tastes (especially music and media) reinforce it?
The questions never stop, and the answers constantly change. Exploring yourself is a lifelong adventure. But if you're not interested in peeling back your layers, why should anyone else be?
Very true
This is not a hate towards your comment. But just a way for me to pour out my feelings :) : seeing all these good tips. That wouldn't even work. And isn't even what i'm experiencing. I get lost in the feelings of getting trough this pain alone. With not even a single people anywhere in real life nor the internet to relate.
@@mikat_2977 I’d recommend The Personal Development School.
She has amazing tips on how to meet your own needs, heal your attachment style (which anyone who has issues in this realm, is unhealed in their attachment style).
You can find out how to be your own source of support, validation, connection, advocation....& only then will you attract the right kind of partner.
exactly Barakalahu fik 👌
best comment, I thought I was the only one thinking that way
Thanks for the shadow work prompts lol
The worst is when you totally fall for a friend who you realized over time is amazing but they don't feel the same. Like when you "get to know" someone better and that makes you realize they're what you've been looking for.
He is everything I want
@@plainsaw3771 I hope it turns out well for you.
but the point is precisely that even if he is what you want, he too will prove to be challenging and will not meet all your needs. viewing him/ her this way makes you have a more balanced view of him/ her, therefore reducing the intensity of the pain of that unrequited love. it's like CBT therapy almost; just making your perspective one that's more whole and accurate.
THIS. This right here. Perfectly said. In this exact situation right now...
If someone doesn't want you then they automatically are not what you're looking for. Might seem petty but it's important to see unavailability (of any sort) as a turn-off.
"It isn't their charms that are keeping us magnetized, it is our lack of knowledge of their flaws"
I am so into a person right now that I forgot that last time I felt this way towards someone, the feeling started vanishing the moment I got to know the person better. Thanks to this video I just realized I already experienced the cure, but never realized it was the cure. THANK YOU!
Yo this some bullshit
Then when does it not go away? If they are right for you, will it not go away?
Trauma bond. look it up :)
Yeah I don’t think you ever were into her. You we’re just infatuated with her. Glad you became aware of your infatuation through this video before it caused you any harm to you.
Zumerjud if it’s a true conscious love it won’t go away until you remove yourself from her entirely. And if she loves you back she’ll seek you out and try to amend the relationship out of fear of losing you.
*Its been like...2 years since I stopped associating with my "unrequited love" and I can say that is what has helped the most. I'm like 90 percent over it and some days are worse than others but it is one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. It also helps on those bad days to remember why it didn't work and to imagine "breaking up" again...it sounds weird but it worked for me! Good luck to anyone reading this...you deserve someone just as crazy about you as you are about them!
Boy does it feel good to read these comments and know I'm not alone. Here's what I did: She and I had a honest talk about what was going on. We work together, so I can't just run away from her. Thus, we agreed to be cordial and civil, but also to keep an emotional distance from each other, no more texts, no walking back to our cars after work together anymore, no birthday cards, etc. We explicitly discussed how the situation was making me feel hurt and angry every day, and so had to be addressed, that honesty and conscious changes were essential. In other words, I'm crushed, but trying to do the right thing, and at least she knows it. I guess straight honesty and disciplined avoidance is all you can really do. Plus, I got a good haircut, and bought an awesome suit to feel better about myself. Wish me luck. I hope this helps.
@@tuckermcelroy2538 Good luck. One day u will meet someone else who is so much a better fit and u will be glad it didnt work out with "the one who got away".
@@tuckermcelroy2538 not talking to them, not seeing them, possibly not living in the same city does help (but may not cure from it)
i agree. I haven't talked with them for 3 years and it really helped me move on and be peaceful. It was very difficult for me to cut them off and was hard for the first few months cuz i missed them but i had to put myself first.. i didnt even wish them happy birthday. I do wonder how theyre doing from time to time but im not tempted to text them or see them as i used to heheh
@@tuckermcelroy2538Good luck, my friend. I am kind of in the same boat. My crush is my personal trainer. She knew about my feelings for her, because I told her. We decided to remain friendly toward each other. She calls me her brother. she requested I call her my sister. Although, sometimes I inadvertently called her pumpkin. Then she calls me silly.
if u are hurting remember...
if he/she really valued you...
they wouldn't ever put themselves in a position to to lose you....
so be smart enough to let them go.
Thank you for this. It’s very easy to overlook but very deep
Yes. But that hurts too.
sunflower, that was absolutely beautiful! Thank you.
Thank you sunflower for this insight.
🙏🏽❤️
It is one of the worst feelings to love someone that does not like you. My solution has been to be honest with myself and constantly reminding myself the facts over my fantasies. The simple fact being "This person does not want you!". The sooner I got that through my head, the better I felt. On the contrary, the longer I entertained that fantasy that this person likes me, the longer the pain lingers
the cure is not falling in love with someone you don't know romantically. you need to hold off of any strong feelings until then. I used to do this unrequited bull until I got out of highschool. it's so freaking unhealthy. it also helps to keep reminding yourself that a relationship isn't going to make you happy. it will for a bit but not for long. that unhappiness is internal and needs to be fixed as such. external factors only help you ignore whatever is actually making you unhappy.
GimR's Lab SAVING THIS TO MY NOTES... DONE... THANKU.
GimR's that's it dude!
"The cure is not falling in love with someone you don't know romantically..."
"You need to hold off on any strong feelings until then.."
BOTH of these statements are very, very wrong. You are assuming that attraction is a conscious choice that many people can make. I was once the person who thought that as well. I looked at everyone having all of these problems in relationships around me, and I thought "they need to choose *not* to be attracted to so-and-so, or have more self-control around so-and-so."
Then one day. I "fell in love."
Or rather,
I became highly attracted to a guy who, for religious reasons, I can literally never be with.
It was then I realized that all those years that I thought of "love" as being a choice, I was mislabeling ATTRACTION for true LOVE.
Love IS indeed a choice- love is a CONSCIOUS DECISION to be with another person and stay with them even when you don't have to.
THAT'S a choice.
What is not a choice, however, is the fact that sometimes, due to weird circumstances and/or an activation of hormones, you begin to be attracted to another person. Yes, you choose what your RESPONSE is to that attraction. But you by no means can control every aspect of your life in such a way that you won't ever be attracted to anyone.
That's why I have to say I think your above statement about "you need to hold off on any strong feelings" is literally not possible.
You can't CHOOSE what you FEEL.
You DO choose how to RESPOND to thar which you feel.
So if you or a buddy or some random commenter on youtube (lol me) is struggling with an attraction/crush on another person that they just can't seem to get rid of, please recognize that it isn't "poor choices" on their part (all the time, anyways. Obv humans are still dumb and not every case is like this, I'm just talking abt initial feelings here).
It's instead simply the happenstance of their situation, and it's a very human struggle. A struggle that's happened ever since relationships were a thing.
Good luck to all my fellow love-strugglers out there! Remember your friends ^_^ school of life has a diff video where they also talk about how your friendships are actually far better in these circumstances of unrequited love, and i wholeheartedly agree with it.
Like it thanks for sharinf
You can't control who you have feelings for
I don't think I'll ever stop being impressed by this channel.
Louise I agree, it's so amazing :)
Funny, I have the exact opposite reaction.
Zach Higgins I'm more critical their videos than I used to be, but find the majority still have some useful insights.
Although it doesn't quite equate to unrequited love, I guess I used to think of them as infallible, like one would with a crush. Did you experience something similar?
In the end, I don't want to settle with someone less than I deserve.
I hate how everyone thinks they’re alone when it comes to experiencing this. It saddens me deeply. I wish you all the best when it comes to unrequited love.
Same here ❤
thank you
Yes, that's all good, yes, yes, but what do you do when, AFTER getting to know your crush WELL, you're still madly in love, and your love is still unrequited? Suicide at a Starbucks? 13 tapes?
don't bother trying to forget about them because your brain wouldn't allow you. Just accept that your life is finished.
My boyfriend went through this. He fell in love with a girl with a boyfriend. He was her friend and knew everything about her and this only made him love her deeper. He would give up, then fall in love with a new girl, only to have the same results. He always fell for taken girls and genuinely loved them. Then we reconnected after 2 years. I love him with all of my heart. You'll find someone who will love you too :)
nihilism/absurdism helps
The key is to not look at your crush as the center of your world. You should first focus on having your own hobbies and just doing things that make you happy. You shouldn't be dependent on someone else for happiness. I recommend watching BasedZeus's videos if you want lots of helpful advice.
Yes. It is asumed here you either find out their flaws and the attraction ends. Or you find out their flaws and still love m and because of that they will love you back.
Totally ignoring finding out their flaws still love them but the love is still unrequited.
Time will heal you. If not avoid all contact even if it means getting another job. Moving to another area. Better than staying stuck in untequited love.
it has been 3 years of acceptance of his flaws, his loss and faults... I tried to think about these to forget him.. but here I am, commenting abt how I can't move on.
I totally understand, even when the person has shown you they don't love nor respect you OR repeatedly tell you they don't see a future with you,...3 years and I look forward to the day I can just see them for who they are showing me they are...shitty person
Was it a trauma bond?
Did you move on?
@Abhilash Konda i know its kinda late to reply.. but thanks.
Do you know if he feels the same?
In unrequited love we so often fail to observe one very important thing: the fact that our love interest rejects us is basically a good enough reason why they are not that much of an ideal partner for us. Since we can't do much about a person that doesn't like us back the same way that we do, it's maybe a good idea to think that their will should be respected as much as ours...
Some fool from college told me that I was, "...perfect on our first date." I knew it was doomed immediately. I wanted to be with somebody who could tactfully tell me why I was a mess and encourage me to improve myself.
This video isn't talking about not loving someone because of their flaws. The School of Life was providing advice on what to do when one likes a person, but that attraction isn't recipricated (unrequited love). The best way to get over that person is to learn of that person's flaws and make them human again. Take them off the pedestal by looking at the smudges
But if you already know their flaws, if got to know them well, if you see them as a person but still feel the same. What then?
@@Concreteowl cry for as long as you have to, then do something you really love - visit family, travel, learn a new skill, meet new people. maybe write about them. focus on making yourself feel better and eventually you will.
read a book, maybe Edgar Allen Poe's love stories or Romeo and Juliet
@@Concreteowl that's what j was ready for. I could see some flaws if not all of it but i was still ready and eager to love anyway. But it's just hopeless and I'm finally committed to move on.
@Róża in Wonderland that must have been really painful 😢. There are flaws I can tolerate and others not so much. I guess I'll be single for life.
But what about the people you love after knowing them for years and seeing all their flaws?
If you only love them as long as you don't see flaws, it's not love, it's a crush.
It hit me unexpectedly and unprepared. For so many years I was numb and laughed at people who told me I would fall in love again. Then I did. It hit me so hard that I denied it for months. But we don't choose who we fall in love with.
We had a huge connection, a crazy amount of similarities, the same hobbies, the same things we liked, even some of the same life experiences, and that's how we bonded. We were also very attracted physically. So we were friends and also flirted. We confessed and said that we have a crush on each other. Although he was honest with me and told me that he is not into relationships.
And then we met and it felt so natural, no pretending, as if we had known each other for years. We always joked that we were soul mates, mirror images of each other. We spent some unforgettable days together and in public it seemed like we were a couple, lots of kissing, holding hands, parties and we had a great time.
Until he told me that he loves me very much but he is not in love with me and wants to we remain just friends. That's when my world stopped. But how is this possible? That was all I could think of. We were so amazing together and what is with all this bonding? Those words haunt me to this day. I thought things would change. My heart was and still is completely broken.. I have never loved anyone so much, he was the one I was looking for all my adult life.
Tell me how to proceed after something like this? When you had almost everything? When you were so close?
How to stop loving someone so much when you know you'll never find someone like that again.. It burns, it hurts, it's a devastating feeling. Despite this unbearable pain, my love for him is so big that I wish him the best in life... But I will always have hope.. Because what is left if we don't have dreams anymore?
Oh god. I am so very sorry to hear this. I can understand the devastation though. True connection is very rare. Very rare indeed. All i can say is that , one day, u do move on. After tearful nights and loads of journalling, refocussing on life, friends...it gets better. Its crushing tho. I know.
There is nothing we can do 😢
After a while I began to focus on the things that I didn't like about him.
He abuses drugs, he smokes, he doesn't work out, he has his own place but is only separated, he's loving in people's faces but calls them names behind their backs etc. Certain things just don't align with what I want. Health is really important to me.
But because I had a nice time with him. And I never met anyone that brought out so much of my feminine side. He didn't shower me with gifts, trips. No it was just his energy that felt like a compliment to mine. I overlooked his negative traits.
Luckily I wasn't intimate and that could have been one of the reasons he ghosted me.
I accepted that he's a Coward and manipulative every day it gets better to just move on.
I think the general understading of unrequited love is bad, but it's a manageable pain, because if you truly love a woman (or a man), your deepest wish is not to make her yours, but is only to see her happy.
The worst pain begins when the person that means the worlds to you, the same person you helped countless times and you shared so many hugs and tears with, slowly but surely disappears from your life. She doesn't provide you any reason but through her behavior she thinks is making herself clear. You don't know if you did something wrong, you wonder this cruel treatment is a punishment? When you realize that every attempt to rekindle the friendship seem to bother her, you stop trying. Her happiness is worth more than yours and it's clear that she is happier without you.
You cannot find any cure for an unrequited friendship with a person you truly love and cannot forget.
I guess people also find it meaningful to spend time with loved ones. I want to spend time with her. It has been so long since I last saw her.
This is true:c
What if the more you find out about them the more you like them? Sometimes we put people on pedestals and unknowingly expect perfection from them. But when we learn who they really are behind the facade we become truly entranced because they (with their problems and flaws) have become accessible to us. Just a thought!
Too funny. My comment elsewhere in this thread says pretty much exactly the same thing.
Brian Antoine I think I love you 😂
There is no definite 'cure' for the anguish of a tormented heart... There might never will be.
But I have to thank this channel regardless. It saved a life today.
Sidd Sen The only cure for an anguished heart is to feel secure in the knowledge that "this too shall pass and I can and will bear it". What helped me was listening to Pink's song "Try". "But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try."
Sidd Sen I hope you feel better soon. I wish you god speed.
Alcohol and drugs CAN, but they create FAR bigger problems. They can be short term solutions, but long term they destroy you.
@@Samiyoutube725 basically the moral is don’t fall for a married person, if you do just give up
@@MannequinStep masturbating can
This actually helps. When I look back on all the people I've been turned down by, resulting in extensive periods of depression and sadness, I notice they all share a common thread - I gave them too much credit. I actually feel quite embarrassed thinking about how I was able to crush so hard on them now that I see them for who they really are, in a more objective light, but we're simply unable to do that in the presence of the event. Good news is - everything falls into place after a while, we stop hating on ourselves and decide it is time to move on. :)
There is no removing the shades that keep us blinded by love when the love is unconditional. Even after you have dissected them down to their most basic imperfect human form. When the love you have is unconditional, it is eternal. You love them flaws and all.
True.
I wish this video existed 3 years ago, would've been very helpful then.
LOL, you from Canada eh? hehe :)
Connor Kenney
musica rachmanonpf
Connor Kenney what happened
Connor Kenney me 6 years ago man
What is love baby don't hurt me don't hurt me no more
WatterNinja no
WatterNinja no
WatterNinja JAYMES YOUNG RIGHT
This is the cure for unrequited crushes, not love. When you love, you will never really stop loving that person. You just have to wait for the pain to pass and for new loves to come into your life. It's the same process as dealing with death of a loved one. If your love fades when you find out about somebody's faults, it wasn't love. I wish it was that easy.
Yes. That is an important distinction between the two. The advice in the video is logical and thought out. But what is missing is that distinction between an unrequited crush/infatuation and unrequited love. This video works for the former. It doesn’t work for unrequited love because at that stage you already know the other person enough to be aware of their flaws.
22 years of this and the best thing happened to me when I decided to cut off ties with her completely; it was hard but after few months I really started to focus on myself and felt the healing and peace surrounding me; I found someone who made me feel important and things moved forward smoothly but the unexpected came when my first love tried to contact me saying she wants to come back together as friends hinting that maybe something could happen but for me I was clear both in my head and heart telling her that I wish her nothing but good but am fully committed to my new love
School of Life, I had lived together with my unrequited love for three years. His flaws only makes him more beautiful. I had seen it all. I thank you for your advices, but now my heart pains even more.
what if... you love them despite their flaws.. you've known them years and have been very close to them but still love them more. and its still unrequited :/
love is just a bond of sorrow then
Teebz 1000 welll in that situation. Love them until you can't anymore. Love them and love them until it hits you one day taht it's pointless. My ex played me.. I loved him dearly and after he broke up with me I loved him for the longest time just hoping and wishing he'd come back and realize in some way what he's lost. But he didn't. He doesn't care. I loved him despite that but now I'm all out of stock for the love. I got none to give anymore. So that unrequited love issue is over. But at the same time , my entire belief on love is gone as well. Sometimes love is built on pity, sometimes intense sympathy. Love is never actually "love" it's a mixture of hatred, jealousy, envy, pain and sorrow. Perhaps that's why it spelled backward is "evol" (evil). Well hun one day you'll realise the idea of existentialism and the meaninglessness of everything in its entirety. But only then will you also realize that it is pointless to grief upon someone because they don't love you. Your life hasn't ended. And also, psychologically speaking, you have the capability of falling in love again. Moving on is hard, really hard. But its possible. And you can't stop loving someone only by figuring out their flaws. You can stop loving someone by realizing love is nothing. Love is just an emotion like anything else. It's just as temporary as pain and happiness. Love feels amazing, love is beautiful. But, it's temporary. You subconsciously fall in love, but consciously train yourself out of it. You are your mind.. program yourself to think any way, you can simply fall out of love. You know the thing is how in this video he states you fall out of love due to flaws. I learned in my psychology class that you fall out of love due to the same reasons you fell in love. Don't think about this person's flaws. Think about all their good qualities and realize they're nothing special and can be found in anyone else. Stay safe. Good luck.
chickens are my life what a profound response. Thank you for taking the time to respond to that much depth I appreciate it. sorry about your ex anyway I realise its all meaningless now though and all but I'd still like to extent my sympathies and hopes that you're doing okay now :)
chickens are my life and trust me i do realise this whole love thing is pretty much bollocks and an illusion. But it doesn't deny the fact that the what i feel towards her are still there. she's my best friend and favourite person ever and the most beautiful girl ever (to me anyways and i do realise saying this) its really more of a 'I'd be happy spending the rest of my life with you sharing this personal connection and bond on a deeper, more intimate level'.
but ye I do realise its all meaningless anyway so who cares.
Teebz 1000 A philosopher named Epicurus once stated that romantic relationships are never what can keep you happy. It's an illusion that being at intimate terms with someone strengthens your bond. That is in fact a lie. All you need is a friend. You don't need a counterpart. Just a friend. I suggest you don't ruin whatever you have with her, through the whole idea of relationships. I, personally don't beleive in relationships anymore. They increase your expectations, they break you. If you ruin what you already have with her, it'll ruin you. Don't make it go a step further. Once you step ahead theres just no going back. And nothing will be the same again. So love her as a friend. Love her however you want. She isn't obligated to love you back but if she cares for you, that's enough
Atleast out of all these people in this world she still invests time in you.
This isn't how unrequited love works at all. Learning more about someone we love leads to loving them more... The unrequited bit is the bit where they don't feel it back.
Sitting across that table from you
I looked at you
I peered into your beautiful, grey eyes
To look for that glimmer of light
That betrays a boy who has fallen in love
There, sitting across from you, I looked and looked
But I found nothing
I wanted to be yours
I wanted to be your world
I wanted to be your everything
But I am not, no matter how hard I try
So the time has come
The time to let you go
The time to accept that you will never me mine
There will be no laughs, no tears, and no triumphs shared between us
There will be no unbreakable or sacred bonds
There will be no traditions, or kisses or babies
There will only be you and me; separate and far apart
I loved you, so I wish you well
I hope that you will find it
That which I found in you
Oh my..... what beautiful words.... are they yours?
is that a song? if not it should be turned into one
You made me realise that I have to let go, and it is painful
gray eyes too
If you want to be valued by others, you'll recognize you're too valuable of a person to waste your adoration on someone who doesn't give any back.
Thanks, Coach Corey Wayne.
1. Once I have read a book about sex and Buddhism. I can't remember the title in Turkish, but I am sure it was NOT a very reliable source, because it was really full of very disturbing stories. A truly sickening book I mean... One of the stories was something like this:
So there is this young monk who is in love with a woman. He can't get her out of his mind and can't even meditate properly. One day the woman dies and he suffers endlessly. So Buddha says to the people of the village:
"Do not burn the dead body. Put her on the square and tell the monk to visit her everyday so that he can see what he fell in love with."
So poor monk has to obey and see his beloved one's dead body decomposing day after day.
If you tell this as a tale, it's alright. Because it has a point. So the monk sees that she was just another mortal like himself...
But if they really did this, what a terribly cruel thing to do! Buddha really disappoints me on this one. Besides, if that monk was a friend of mine I would propose to run away together to protect him from being exposed to such barbarity...
2. I think it was Stephan Zweig who said that you have your love inside, and you give it the name of someone. This is a very comforting thought. Because it means that the fact that you can love so much has more to do with your depth, than with the other person.
Therefore even if we aren't loved back, we still can have that feeling and that "capacity" to love and we may as well just change the name!
An exercise for this would be to write down all the things that you admire in that person and then to look for them in somebody else!
A totally radical solution is just to love someone in a platonic way . So you'll never be disappointed.
( Suffering generally is not a bad thing. It makes you more human. But I am not really sure if love pain is any good for anything. Since it only makes you miserable...)
3. There is a very interesting book called " Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy" by Irvin Yalom. There are many people suffering from love pain in that book and Yalom says that dealing with patients who are "in love" is the most difficult an uncomfortable part of his work. Because you have to " wake them up" first and deprive them of all the illusions that gave them refuge and comfort till then...
So if we don't have a therapist, we will have to wake up on our own! It is not easy but it's possible.
4. There is another video from this channel called " How to get over someone". I have written a comment under it mentioning some interesting sources. In case you need more consolation and information.
Thank you so much for this valuable lesson! I really loved the animation too! Especially the way the poor man walked was so cute. And how I wish I had a T- Shirt like that:-)
Lua Veli I just want to tell you that for the past two years everytime after I have watched a video of TSoL, I've immediately scrolled through the comments to read yours. I learn as much from you as I learn from the videos. You are a very gifted person and I thank you!!
Hola Primavera! Thank you so much...It means a lot to me. I didn't receive a notification from youtube, that's why I am replying to you late. I am so glad if I could be in any way helpful to you! Thanks a lot for your time reading all this:-) I wish you all the best!
I like what you wrote more than the video.
Your post provided a wealth of information. Thank you for taking the time to share these🙏🏼
@@hzafary You are most welcome! Thanks a lot for your time :- )
the most painful unrequited love is with someone you are actually close with not this distant crush love in the video
Yes. So true.
I know, right!
Never thought such profound things about life could be packed into such small and efficient videos. Best form of therapy ever! Thank you so much!
Basically this video teaches you how to get over a crush.
Its working for me crushes are illogical
Therio Cassius And since when have people ever been logical? Save that for the robots, but even robots are being designed to have more "human" qualities.
Dumfries Spearhead Indeed I am learning to wipe out my emotions
Like my friend used to say: Just imagine her taking a huge dump lol
PaperGamer mother used to say the same think lol - " you just have to remember that she also poops"
I do
But she has a t-shirt saying "I shit unicorns and rainbows"
So....
The late Leo Busgalia also said: “when you idolize someone, imagine them sitting on the john.”
Lmao
I watched her... Still wanted her though lol
I had to find this out myself the hard way but I'm really happy videos like this are here to help people through their anguish caused by blind love.
There’s no logic in it: if the “cure” for unrequited love is telling yourself that their flaws will eventually upset you and make you stop loving them, because this is true for every person on this planet, then this also has to be true for requited love.
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back doesn’t always have to do with projection and ignoring their flaws: People may also fall in love with a good friend, someone they know very well, or their love might, for whatever reason, be so strong, that finding out about the reality of the other person, only makes them love the person more.
I’d call the state described in the video “infatuation”.
I know her from head to toe; i know her flaws, she is stubborn, she is a megalomaniac, she is dominant , and illogical. but I love her the way she is, i loved her for more than 3 years and been requited throughout. She is an inescapable dungeon. i love her with all my heart and soul.
Johnny Ghoul you summed it up pretty well!
Lex Guerra
I have some advice, if you're a meditator.
Start doing loving kindness/metta meditation with her as the first focus. It's important that you focus on your love for her, not your yearning due to her absence (it should feel good). This is a shift, but you'll be able to do it; it is possible to love someone wholly without needing to be with them or expecting any love in return. Let yourself feel that love and 'send it' to her. Give yourself permission to indulge in those feelings, instead of trying to ignore them and turning them into a feeling of lack and yearning. You can do this for a couple of minutes or much longer. Then focus on a friend or family member and send the same love, then an acquaintance, then someone you are having problems with. You can include some thoughts/sayings if you like,such as 'may you be happy, may you be loved, may you be comfortable, healthy and at peace'. Finally imagine you're extending that love to the whole human race; think of all the people of different ethnicities, gender, culture etc (and the animals if you like).
Because you have access to such an intense love (something you're lucky to feel, even though it has felt torturous), you are able to have some extremely powerful meditations this way. You maybe able to access blissful transcendent love for everyone as well as some amazing physical sensations, such as rushing throughout the body (but don't expect these, always expect nothing from a meditation). It's a way to transmute that uncomfortable yearning that you're experiencing.
This method will dissipate your pent up unrequited love and turn it into something expansive, worthwhile and maybe even transformative.
fayeevpt I don't know what you said but I'll give u a like for putting a long comment
Awwww~ I want someone who would say the same about me. Lucky you.
Hardcore gamer I meant 'meditator' as in someone who practices meditation, not 'mediator' :)
Been there, done that. That sort of thing only works temporarily though. The reality is that we are capable of a great deal of cognitive dissonance; we may intellectually except the human shortcomings of our unrequited Love, yet the emotional pining does not cease.
Damn, this is underrated.
Wow, this really helped me stop the insanity, stop the tears, stop the obsession. And mainly helped to pull my head out of my asssss!!!
Great video! A quick reminders that people whom we put in a pedestal are only humans with flaws like everybody else. And we just shouldn't crave them that much from a distance.
I absolutely love this video. We often build up fantasies and obsessions for a particular person that they themselves cannot live up to. Infatuation is an action that lacks respect for the reality of being human. I think if there were stories, books and movies on learning to love one's self we would have a lot more success in relationships. But we've all grown up on fantastical stories and fairy tales that say romantic love is the key to happiness while finding out in reality it's a Pandora's box of possibilities...this channel is very thought provoking and insightful...my favorite edutainment. :)
Just imagine how many People are there on the planet. Chances of that person being the best for you are close to zero
close to zero… but not zero :( Yes I'm desperate
That’s true, but then that means the chances are you’ll never truly meet someone fit for you
I can use that when I meet someone, "Chances of you being the best for me are close to zero." Its lovely :)
Law of Propinquity is a thing.
That's how I see sh. But I dont like meeting new ppl, meeting new ppl, meeting new ppl, & repeat
Had an emotional affair with a co worker for close to a year. We both left our spouses at different times & were infatuated with each other. He returned to his wife, I am now single & growing, healing & thankful to recognise he is not perfect. Working together is hard, hoping one day we can both be the amazing powerhouse team we once were. Boundaries, distance & reminding myself he is not perfect makes it so much easier.
I’m always a big fan of the narration and the VoiceOver. Great job. Thank you
OH MY GOD I NEED THIS SO MUCH RN HOW DO YOU KNOW?!??!!?
Seabiscuit I KNOW RIGHT??!
**** **** magik
Just a coincidence
Arthur of course lol but still
Khushil Parikh smh
The cure for life problems: The School of Life
amen... i swear
... i mean ... i don't... swear... but you get the point.
No, this channel is a poison. This guy's advice is always terrible.
i hope you are trolling...!
If only it were so simple. Watching a couple of videos won't cure you of your problems, you still need to put a lot of work to study and practice those concepts.
My channel is dedicated to people who want to just have a sharper edge, gain confidence, and win their fuckin way to the top in life! Is that you? Does that sound like something you want to do? Then Head to my channel to!
But what if we fell in love with someone we already know for decades inside out and then when we realized the feelings we have, it was an unrequited ones?
Knowing the flaws won't help because we already know it and much more.
I love how they explain this, and use abstract imagery to draw home the point. Thank you 😊😊
"Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common."
-Barnard Gumble, 1993
This is so true haha but then it made me think that even some married people have nothing in common and that maybe "having things in common" is a bit overrated. But I do understand the feeling.
Lol. True.
You don't have to have all things in common to be in love with someone. I mean this doesn't help me at all.
look up Patrice O'Neal on women. He is more down-to-earth
You, and whoever the fuck said that stupid fucking shit, have no idea what you're fucking talking about. Fuck off if you don't have something actually constructive to say
This video was made for me. I'm the queen of unrequited love.
Sobering. Thank you, The School of Life.
I just left a situation of living with someone I connected with and care about... it has been challenging, but I also know that we won't work in the long run. Both of us deserve better.
But I can always have the memories and it's good enough.
Yet my heart is still broken and aches for years💔
Thesis of the video: Straighten up brother. She ain't shit anyway. Preach.
😂😂😂
Well there you go guys, if you've been in love with your best friend, for years, who you know 'really' well, 'imagine' getting to know them better (because you already know them well) and try and look for flaws that aren't bad enough to make you leave because.. Well you haven't left, you haven't stopped loving that person.. Not very helpful at all this one to be honest...
This is by far the best advice I got. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.
YES YES YES! And a million thanks for this perspective. Out of all the opinions I've listened to about this subject, this approach is by far a superior, commonsensical, cogent, logical summary of this phenomenon. It's so simply laid out, but powerful. I'm liberated now! Lol
I largely agree and think this is helpful for young folks to know and trust. But, a word of caution in here would have been well placed, "you don't always get to know your "unrequited love" interest". I worry a little that the message is, get in close and observe them with a keen eye. When that person has not shown interest or expressed a, "no, move along." Then it is time to do just that, move along, don't redouble your efforts on your "unrequited love." That just makes you a creeper. Just move along, plenty of fish in the sea!
*Nobody is perfect and everybody has flaws,*
the *art of love* is to accept those flaws.
After the first *"in love rush"* has passed you will
see more and more flaws in your loved one.
The question is how are you responding to it
and *whether you can live with those imperfections.*
I'm currently in the state of discovering all those small things.
Let's see how things are going to end, or *if* they are going to end!
I wish you all a wonderful day and I want to thank school of Life
for these phenomenal videos.
-Personal Power, self improvement videos
*Sub Goal: 64/100*
these are superb videos. Hundreds of pages in a few minutes. Truly UA-cam at its best. Thanks
This is so true! They keep you at a distance so you can’t see who they really are. And once you realize they aren’t as wonderful as you thought they were, you can move on and meet the person who is right for you.
I love how often this channel reassures me that my coping mechanisms are normal and healthy. It often shows me that I'm not a bastard for doing rational things to protect my emotional health
Same here.
I was just watching 500 days of summer, and this video speaks to the movie quite accurately. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend it!
lora linky good movie
The creator of this channels book, The Architecture of Happiness, is in that movie.
lora linky I've had that movie sitting on my tv stand for weeks now .... Will it make me super sad? Haha I can't handle that right now
I hope you watched it because it's so fucking amazing. It will be sad for a minute but the ending is worth it.
I love this video and its content. The information mentioned is so true. Thank a bunch!
Thank you, this is very helpful. Love the artwork, it's brilliant!
This is about an infatuation not love.
I agree. A part of this video says if we knew the flaws then we wouldn’t love or be interested anymore. However I know some flaws and I accept and still love them. How can I get over them?
It's kind of amusing, I was just sitting here, thinking about my crush and my unrequited love and ta-da! Notification from "School Of Life" channel, and video that gives answers to my issue) thanks, "School Of Life", I love you so much😍
Same here. My partner and I just broke up, or took some time apart, I don't even know why, right now, but I already feel something missing in myself... How to cope? Here's a video. Serendipitous synchronicity.
School of Life wants you to know that your crush is an awful person and a waste of time.
Hooray!
Инесса Герасимова рекламируйте свои услуги в другом месте
The One But I'm sure it didnt help you though right... cuz it didnt help me !!
The One Then you were never actually in love
PEOPLE USE THE WORD LOVE TOO MUCH,YOU LIKE THE GUY,YOU DON'T LOVE HIM.
LOVING SOMEONE MEANS DYING FOR THEM EVEN THO THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND DESPITE ALL THEIR FLAWS.
This is the best and simplest thesis on unrequited love I have ever encountered
Sometimes finding out a persons flaws makes you love them all the more, they call their self a liability but all i could see was the most beautiful asset i have ever seen. Finding out who she was day by day only made my love grow for her to the point i had to move away.
Perfect timing! How is it you always drop a relevant video, you're not spying on me are you?
TheTman9898 I feel the same way lol
I was actually spurned by the one I admired the most and only then did I start seeing the person's flaws.Now I'm over it.So I truly believe that this video is a testimony that we can get cured of unreciprocated love by seeing the person as they are.
This video was the 'aha' moment I've been looking for. You just cured me of my problem of falling in love too quickly. Thank you seriously 🥰👍
This is the best channel I swear 😩😩🙏🏾🙏🏾
So the moral is like the fable of fox and the grapes: "Eeh, they're probably shitty people to be in a relationship with anyway". This video just describes what happens after the period of being in love. When you're in love, both requited or unrequited, the dopamine and norepinephrine levels shoot up through the roof. It's when we see no flaws with and put on the pedestal our object of desire. So, really, this video's "cure" to unrequited love is telling yourself that the other person is shitty to be in a relationship with. Nay, I tell you! The cure is just to accept that they don't feel the same way. And if it's too painful to be around the person knowing it's unrequited then just be open with them and tell them you can no longer have contact with them because it would cause you too much pain.
Precisely, Stefan!Preach!
Stefan B.
Exactly
Underrated comment!
That's the problem though, if the cure for love is closeness, then why would I ever give anybody the opportunity to get to know me?
Maybe that's the comfortable part of an unrequited love 😪
I've just learnt that my crush has recently started dating another guy. I really needed this right now. Thank you.
Once you get to truly know them, you’re back to square one.
thank you for giving an actual resolution. I'm very tired of hearing how I should just accept them as a friend and let my built up feelings slowly hurt me
I think this applies better to a crush. There can be emotional, even physical intimacy without romantic feelings being reciprocated. In that kind of scenario, where you know someone deeply and vice versa, yet your feelings never match, it's truly heartbreaking.
This was excellent. I think a major component of unrequited love is not the actual adored person, whom we don't really know anything about, but rather our own self-image as a thoughtful, passionate, wise and adored lover, i.e. that magical person the other seems to make us. If the object of our affection does not share this vision of us, it is often too painful to bear. When I think back to lost loves, I've realized that I don't really mourn the person (who has long since moved on to other pastures), but rather the younger, more handsome, and certainly more vibrant person I was back then. It's a painful realization, but it definitely cures you of the illness!
The universe gifted me with MANY instances to connect with one of my soul family but I wasn’t ready, dealing with a lot of fallout in other parts of my life.
For a while I didn’t recognize him but I think he recognized me. Either way I’m sure now I missed out on something truly amazing due to my “internal issues” and now I’m kicking myself.
I hope he finds love and so much luck and happiness in his life ❤