How to Help Someone With Dementia Accept Help
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- Опубліковано 6 лют 2025
- Hey there Careblazer! Welcome back to Careblazers TV, the place where we talk about everything dementia. If you are caring for a loved one with any type of dementia, such as Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy Body Dementia, or vascular dementia, then this is the place for you! I post a video every Sunday on the topic of dementia caregiving.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. In my job, I help people with dementia, and their caregivers, by visiting them in their own homes and helping them cope through the many struggles of caring for someone with dementia. I have always wanted to help more people than is possible for me in a work day. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I do this in my spare time. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacaregiver
16 years taking care of geriatrics in memory care and you are still teaching me stuff and helping me be a better caregiver. We should watch these for CEUs! Thank you 🙏🏼 so much, God bless you, and keep these videos coming, please!
As a caregiver by occupation, I totally agree with you. I've asked for my client's advice, complimented her, and practiced active listening when we're together. She loves me and I love her. Some of the other caregivers have a difficult time with her, but they also try to force her to do things without gaining her trust. You are absolutely right!
Same happens to me; trust and love is essential
😮😮 I 😮am
It is VERY strange to go backward in time like this. But it works and works well.
The things we used to do to raise children, get along with most anyone.
Suddenly our life partner or family member is going back in time, sort of.
This advice you place here is spot on.
You're hitting it right at the beginning point that is the toughest time.
Acceptance, then see through their eyes.
They are scared and frustrated too. 💖
I'm having an "ah ha" moment.....these techniques will work on my rebellious teenager as well as my mom with dementia.
I agree 100%! I try to get in the reverse engineered mindset of dealing with my kids back when they were 4 & 6.😣 Yesterday’s fun field trip was 3 hours to buy one new bra (and we in one store only) for her dress for my daughter’s wedding…. I GOT one possible suggestion ASK them and then journal in front of them, their ‘family history’ Stories…I am shocked at their accuracy cause I double backed and checked the stories with my cousin asking their mom (her 97 yo sis) she adds too. My mom is 93. My mom was the family history curator & photo keeper- some photos harken to 1899 and great gramma’s birth.
First, I want to express how helpful your channel has been for me.
I knew my mother had Alzheimer’s 7-8 years before her diagnosis. The first sign wasn’t memory loss, but a drastic change in personality - she switched from being kind and generous to mean and petty. I was also living with her at the time.
Long story short, I no longer live with her, but do live with chronic pain and fatigue.
Seeing her every day isn’t an option as I can’t leave my bed every day.
There isn’t any extended family this side of the Atlantic for support so I really feel for her.
Your consistent advice on being attentive to promoting a positive relationship has been so very helpful!!!
There are days it’s easy and the experience is nothing short of delightful for both of us.
Other times, however it’s either hard or just too much of a challenge for me. I find myself reacting hard to the triggers - she became habitually abusive towards me the last couple of years we lived together and when she’s pushing all the buttons in rapid fire succession it isn’t pretty and it’s exhausting.
I do my best.
The support your channel provides really helps.
Thank you for your kind generosity.
I completely understand your position! I too suffer from chronic pain and I guess it is chronic fatigue also!
My mom lives with my sister. Mom becomes physical with me. I know I will have to move in sooner rather than later. She doesn’t have a diagnosis yet, but as a nurse I have seen rapid changes with her personality.
Keep your head up!
Thank you so much Dr Natalie , this is so helpful , I'm struggling with this ongoing, my sister has been so independent all her life. Does not think she has dementia. Thanks for your caring nature.
Heaps of love!!!
This video is 100% correct and so, so true! So very true! Slow down to speed up to succeed! Thank you from 🇸🇬 Singapore!
Thank you Dr. this is very helpful for how to build a relationship with my dad, who has dementia. Showering is a big problem. You have given great ideas on how to build the relationship, so dad doesn't feel pressured and I don't get frustrated. Thank you! Thank you! ☺
Thank you for your videos, I started to understand my mother’s condition much better. My trick to force my mother to take a shower is to tell her that a nurse or doctor should come. First I need kind of force her , but then she is very grateful that I make her to do it
My mom and dad won't accept help from anyone else, but me. I'm getting worn out looking after them full time, taking care of cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing everything for my mom and dealing with her dementia issues. She's having huge communication difficulties and asks about a million questions every day. My dad is minimally involved with her as he's taken care of her for the last 3 years and his health is failing as well. I feel really isolated and overwhelmed. Whenever I mention getting help from the outside, they both get really uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to convince them they will need outside help eventually. I need to prepare for a really difficult time ahead if they don't come to terms with me needing help.
Have you made any progress?
Good advice for being with everyone! I studied oral history and noticed how much people love to be interviewed. Then, at an oral history conference, I sat next to a stranger who started interviewing me! I was shy at first but then delighted to be able to talk about myself to an active listener. Most of us don’t get this experience very much at all.
A great idea. Basically be kind.
A fabulously easy solution to resolve problems…or potential problem
Such great advice for all of us
You've really given me hope....it's reasonable and I'm excited to get started today. I know changing these habits of "forcing" will improve my relationship with my husband, but may also improve my relationships with others in my life. Let's get started!
I’m writing your tips down, because I absolutely need an education. This is for my 84 year old mom, who is currently in a nursing home…
This video comes at a very perfect time for me. Your tips/advice is priceless. Thank you Dr. Natali!
Thank you so much. I’ve watched several videos that have all reaffirmed my tuition, and most important gave me workable solutions to the few things we do have control over in this.
Sounds like a good idea, tried it as I was listening, she is very responsive, will keep on trying anything you suggest, late stages will do and try anything to make my job easier. THANK and keep up the good work!!!
Excellent Dr Natali! Thank you again!
The ideas in this video are TOTAL GAMECHANGERS!!! Thank you Dr. Natali!
You have explained so much of how I had been feeling lately thankyou lfeel a bit stronger now and will try what you have suggested you are a blessing thankyou
YES! I'm up for the challenge!!
Thank you so much for the video.
At 5:02 your cute cat left us hhh, 👍👍👍
Greetings from morocco
SLOW DOWN to their speed, face it, then things go smoother. Just accept it and try to find/discover a way to make it more enjoyable. I remind my mom she remembers something way better ❤than me (cause maybe it was when I was a kid)….Us being on our phones signal to them that they are less important than our phones…as signaled by my mom’s “Oh, sorry! You’re on a phone call! & I’m bothering you.” Put Yourself in their Place and envision your kids Directing you in things. We wouldn’t roll over and say oh thanks for pointing out I need a bath. 😮
Thank you for the reminder!
Thank you so much for your kindness and expertise!
We're running in to this. We're past the point of some of the suggestions, but I'll try the possible ones.
Makes so much sense! I’m in. Thank you!
I'm up to trying this.
Thanks, Dr. Natalie! I'm totally up for this!
LOVE hearing that!
This is helped a lot thank you 🙏
This sounds wonderful but time is running out for my mom. There's yust to much that must be dealt with immediately. I'm staying 49 km from my mom can only visit her once a week. My sister and brother died within 7 months of each other I'm the only one left. During that time I lost my own son. No time to grief. Om also taking care of my sister's daughter that's on dyalisis 3 times a week and hospital stays because of some health issues. It's just not possible for me to be there 24/7. My mom won't move to a nursing care center nor will she accept day care. I'm at my wit's end and totally burned out.
I'm not if I agree with you. Tonight my father refused to help me take his brief off before bed, he refused. If he doesn't take it off then he will have a skin rash and then runs the risk of getting open sores. He will often refuse to go to bed and will stay up all night, this greatly impacts the next day and his ability to function. His cognition is so deteriorated that he has difficulty with following even basic directions, this morning I asked him to put his morning coffee down so I could give him breakfast, he would look at me and say "okay" but then wouldn't put his coffee down. This went on for about 2 minutes before he placed his coffee down. I don't want to force him to do something but what do we do when he refuses, I'm trying to keep him out of the nursing home.
This is such a great idea. Looking forward to trying this. Thanks, Dr Natali!
Glad to hear it!
I am up for this 😊
Yes but it all depends on the state of dementia of your LO. Anything I try to say, request her to do or discuss with my mother is met with hostility. She is deeply paranoid and suspicious. She makes unfounded and quite horrid accusations to and about me. She argues with me even when I am being nice to her. She argues about her arguing!!! Bascially I am her punch bag and it is soul destroying.
If you haven't already get a PoA and do what you have to do without them making it harder for you. If day to day tasks become impossible to complete then get home help for assistance or check your LO into a care facility. There comes a point when the stress and aggravation is just not worth it. They have dementia what do they know? Many times I feel like my mother is frying my brain and it literally hurts my head and I just want out. Can't do it any more, but I am trapped and she knows it because as well as having dementia she is a manipulative selfish narcissist which is a terrible combination. Get help is all I can say. Trying to deal with contentious issues on a one to one basis with a LO who is resistant non compliant is, 99% of the time, going to fail.
My mother is also. She is in an assisted living facility and she is exhausting the caregivers and throws a fit if they don’t attend to her when she wants. The nurse has come to talk to her several times and my mom has decided she is the devil. She has already thrown 3 caregivers out of her room and the nurse told her if she keeps doing it she will run out of caregivers. They have started not coming every time she pushes the button. It makes her mad and she calls me but I think it is working.
My husband accepts my help and even asks for help. But sometimes it seems to be an afterthought. For example, he gets up in the middle of the night and puts nose spray in his eye instead of eye drops. He cannot communicate because he does not have the words. He appears not to listen (or hear) me and repeats his rambling comment and I have no idea what he is talking about. But he thinks he should do all the driving and even when he “lets” me drive, he is constantly saying, “now let me drive. “ The neurologist we go to tries to reason with him and he gets angry and does not want to go back. The extent of testing was just memory questions and an MRI two years ago with the diagnosis of age-related dementia. We were just there last week and I am so frustrated. Where do I find a good doctor. My husband will be 80 in July. I saw occasional signs 8 years ago, but now I am very concerned. The past 3 years have been very stressful.
I've learned I have to give them my full attention and if I do something else will trying to talk to them they shut down. This has been going on for 2 years.
I will answer, listen, compliment till I leave this earth. She is my Mom. Ty
Gorgeous kitty! 🐈⬛
Thank you!
What a beautiful cat.
I definitely want to try this!!
Very good advice.
Great advice :)
What would you recommend for engaging with them when they often are either irritable or get anxious or upset when trying to engage in any type of conversation even unrelated to them or they just refuse to respond at all?
Any suggestions on what to try if they are seemingly irritated by basic questions- did you already have lunch? Are you feeling okay? Or even when asking them how would you do this-Or what do they think I should do about… - And their response is irritated or upset?
Any suggestions would be helpful.
Also would really like if you could do a video on some of the most common difficulties others experience with their loved ones. Like is personal care/ bathing/appearance the most common or what percentage of people have issues with financial matters or being left alone or safety or injuries etc. Maybe things that are very common but aren’t really talked about- like how common is it for dementia patients to go for weeks refusing to bathe or refusing to go to a drs appt or…? I know some of those are addressed in past videos but a video about the things drs don’t tell you to look out for but happen regularly.
And specifically what wording would you use if we are trying a gentler approach (so we aren’t forcing them) but any suggestion is met with dismissal (I can handle it, it’s not a problem etc) or with anger- if we have tried rebuilding the relationship and still aren’t able to get whatever taken care of what then?
At what point and on what issues (medication, injuries, etc) should we/do we have to “force” them?
I have always had a good relationship with my LO, but she’s still very reluctant. We need to get a nurse in to show us how to use a special pill dispenser. I know she’ll say I take my pills everyday, but it’s very obvious to me that she’s not.
I thought my approach would be to say we all need a little helping hand , it’s will make your life easier, who wouldn’t want that?
Yes am ready pl
THANK YOU!!
Thank you for sharing this channel. It works on touch situations. Anyway, my family says, "wait a minute, Sue, who has dementia"? Haha
😂🎉 thanks 👌 for your help
So, as Pat Parelli says, “Take the time it takes, so it takes less time. “ 🤔
How to encourage client to accept my presence. She does not want me there, but her daughter does. I have a small space to be in with client and this being in her space aggravates her. I knoe not tonengage her when she is aggrevated and angry with me for being with her. She has schizophrenia and I think this is more of what I'm dealing with versus dementia. Please let me know. Thank you.
What advice do you have for caregivers who are men/male?
I am a male caregiver. Just be patient, learn caregiver techniques from here with Dr. Natali, and be positive always, courageously but kindly. 😅
Also, I am going to call the facility and tell them about this video.
My Mom does not think she needs help and only accepts help from me. How can I convince her to let someone else spend a day with her, so I can get time away
Jes jes going to do that
I've tried my husband to stop cutting the lawn because he does a terrible job and has gone down the valley with the tractor. I'm so afraid he's going to hurt himself. He refuses to let someone else do it.
I have a great relationship with my LO until it comes time to toilet. He fights me trying to get his Depends down do he can go. Sometimes I just give up and suddenly he will do it himself.
We need time with other care givers to elders so we can share humor about how we cannot change the world including the little world of an elder sometimes. Not being able to sleep at night in a nursing home with more than one wandering at night patient maybe wandering into your room while you are trying to sleep seems like a nightmare to me which I might not recover from if I was there as a patient instead. AAt the same time a person can only accept so much help while starting to see more offers of help as only being absurd. While watching others keep on asking for and paying for more and more help they don't need to do housework or whatever while their muscles are wasting away? We cannot force someone to get enough exercise too. Like women in the older generation who get angry with us when hearing we went outside by ourselves for a ''long' 3 block walk after 4:30 pm in the winter instead of waiting for another bus when it is dark here on some days already too. Walking is such an important exercise that cannot be replaced by only doing housework. When bringing up children most of us get enough of it and running exercise too. I have an aunt like that who instead of being sympathetic when learning I had to escape having to give a hug to a drunk while walking who thought I was an elder he knew or that I should know him scolded me. Perhaps the church we already go to has it right far more than I realized until then when offering marriage counselling to couples where they learn to help one another as equals instead of enabling what some writers call [I apologize for not remembering the other writers name] - "White Woman Syndrome." Maybe the answer is for me to be flexible as possible when being willing to do little things to change the care giving routine a bit each day to make it more personal for each patient I serve. Like when spending a little more time with a patient who is confused about what year it is that day when behaving like he is sleep walking by going out of our way to make him understand that he is a human being who deserves to continue living in this century - Not a human doing or whatever.
OMG! I NEED HEEEEELP 😪
My mom after her stroke back in January has dementia but she was making a lot of progress with the physical therapist and occupational therapist and doing pretty much anything they ask her to do cuz then all of a sudden she should not put it in the effort and sometimes or just flat-out say no when they ask her let's do one more exercise so do you have a video to suggest for me to watch dealing with someone that's just not motivated?
The neighbor and the children want things a certain way! They don’t want the patient to eat outside the house! The daughter changed the diet to fresh fruits and vegetables at the end of a stage 5. Now my patient is not eating at all. They tell me to force her to. Her daughters are nurses.
I cant even get my mum to accept she has some memory issues let alone dementia. She is almost 97 and is doing well mostly. Lives with us in a granny flat at the back of our house. Wont sign a POA at all as doesn't care what happens to her or who gets to decide. So frustrating. Every conversation I have with her I know she will forget within 5-10 minutes so it seems pointless to have them.
Dr should've be involved by now... Do a video will
great advice thank you!!
I have tried this and it works sometimes. However, almost every time I try change his shirt by helping him pull the shirt over his head, he gets upset. No matter what I do to relieve his anxiety, he gets mad about it. Any hints on how to get him to do this task (in particular) without rebelling?
Maybe just dress him in button-down shirts?
I always tell him I love him, while I am helping him, then when the shirt is on we hug each other and give a kiss. This helps with his frustration of not being able to do it himself. I see his ablility to dress himself decreasing rapidly.
I'm starting to hate my sister and her family for how they have treated my mom. My sister pisses my mom off and then pulls out her phone to record it and shows people the video so they won't have anything to do with my Mom. She's been an excellent Mom and grandmother
i'm a man, my dad's a man. he has never hugged me in my life and would be completely uncomfortable with positive interaction. it's probably different with women.
Dr. Natali, mom is behaving the opposite way. She lives in an assisted living facility and she is pushing the call button every few minutes to have them hand her the remote when it is sitting right next to her, wanting them to wipe her when she goes to the bathroom and many other things like that. The caregivers are so frustrated and the nurse is trying to get her to do these things for herself while she still can. I am frustrated and can’t be around her because I am just so exhausted and I feel like her slave. What is your advice?
Perhaps she feels lonely and wants that people contact even if it means getting them to do things she can still do on her own.
@@passionatesingle You might be right.
Does the assisted living place have anyone to work with her on gaining her confidence to do those things on her own? Or someone to help decipher whether she physically can’t do these things or she just isn’t confident/doesn’t want to do that maybe you or someone could try to work with her on whatever is causing the issue? Like is she afraid to get the remote cause she might fall or does she not remember where it is or is she having trouble with what steps to take to do whatever- one of the rehab people told us that my LO could do some things but their executive function wasn’t working as well as it did before so they were getting caught on 1 item/step in completing whatever task and either forgot the rest of the task or didn’t know how to move forward once stuck.
Maybe if you’re able to decipher what the reason is for her reluctance to do things it will at least point u in the right direction on how to resolve it?
@@C1975-t7p that’s a good point. Thanks. I’ll see if I can find out.
What should someone with moderate symptoms and some very lucid days do about a caregiver that does everything wrong and constantly argues, constantly reminding you of the illness and demeans you?
That person should not be a caregiver full stop.
Or maybe get a third party unbiased opinion on the situation?
If there are some days when the patient is doing very well then it sounds like there are also days when they aren’t doing as well. That might make it difficult for the LO to tell what kind of day it is without asking some questions.
And perhaps the LO would offer assistance doing whatever regardless of their dementia diagnosis but simply because they are older or they just want to help them because they love them with no other motive behind it.
Maybe it is a combination of BOTH the LO not having ideal caregiving skills AND the patients perception of either their condition or the LO’s intention is not accurate?
Maybe in this situation the LO is being horrible it’s hard to say but it seems like usually both are somewhat at “fault”…
It's hard to feel any interest in what someone is saying if they tell the same handful of stories over and over again