9w1: I don't want to complain about the ketchup bottle ... even when it gets on my last nerves... because what if I've forgot something in the past. Or what if i forget to do something in the future. My issues with setting boundaries start happening because I don't know whether i should even be angry or not, so i just try to convince myself not to be angry over stuff.
6w5 married to a 9w1, we have learned in our 12 years together that avoiding conflict creates more conflict than confronting it. Practicing this however, has taken hold slowly. I'm saving this video so I can remind myself how important it is.
I truly wish i learned how to deal with conflict as a child ..just like u learn how to swim or ride a bike as a child .. i can't explain it, but it's much easier when you're a child ..to fail , to not overthink, and to deal with the ouchies if that makes sense.😭
Dr. LaHue - My girlfriend and I just wanted to express our gratitude for how in-depth and spot-on your Enneagram videos are, especially ones around people-pleasing. We are a 1w2 (me) and 8w7 (her) couple, both going through divorce, and we've watched many of your videos together to better understand ourselves and how our past dynamics can be avoided or improved in our relationship. We often pause the videos so we can discuss things that resonate or apply your frameworks to current stuff we're working through. As a people-pleaser who's trying to reform, your insights have been especially eye-opening to me, and I've especially appreciated the problem-principles-person framework. Thanks for all your wisdom!
Thank you so much for such an incredible insight. This exact problem broke my previous marriage. We were ticking time bombs masked as a blissfully married couple :) Anyhow, armed with this knowledge, Enneagram, love languages etc, I'm trying to create a much better foundation with my current partner. I'm (1W2) working on this exact issue as well. Great works Tom, thanks again, keep them coming!
This was helpful, thank you. I struggle with the first step: simply verbalizing what the problem is. I try but I freeze and I just can't say the words. They just get stuck somewhere between my brain and my throat.
I am a 9 and my husband is 5. One year we had a major blow out fight over Christmas lights outside. I asked him to put up white lights, he put up colored lights. I expressed that I had asked for white lights. He said he liked colored lights better, and was not changing them. Of course I felt discounted and not heard. I said OK then, you can have the colored lights this year, and next year we can do white lights. His response, "No, I can't agree to that." Now, I really felt frustrated and angry, as I offered what I felt was a fair compromise. I said to him, "Really, you won't even consider a compromise as a solution, to this problem??" He just stood there and frowned, and said he needed to think about it. He never did get back to me, and it never got resolved. We have had many disagreements like this that never get resolved, because he digs his heels in, disappears, and refuses to consider my input or a compromise. It has led to feelings of resentment within myself, asking myself why bother because I am not heard or recognized. This year I am getting better at expressing myself, and letting him know I am not putting up with the run away and hide and/or ignore my requests or input. It is still extremely difficult, and at times I feel so alone and like an island, with no one their to communicate with.
Very useful advice. (The problem, principle and person levels). I’m glad you have a platform to share your discoveries and it warms my heart to see that it also helps other people. This is a nice follow up to the previous video on anger. I have to say that I was angry at work the other day and the image of driving the anger highway came to mind and I consciously changed my reaction. (Well after veering off a bit by habit ahah) Yes, a type 5 actually turning knowledge into actual action, mark the day on your calendar folks lol! Thanks for the book references, I appreciate that.
I tested as a 9w1 and recently came across your channel. Thank you for your time and efforts. My wife tested as a 6. We have had frequent conflicts for some time now. I did not have the language for why she was so infuriating until I watched this one. Not following your rules for engagement are her go to tactics when she is triggered. She becomes irrational, loud, cursing, gets off topic with everything I have ever said or did, personally attacks my character, makes assumptions for my thoughts, feelings, and motivations, uses definitives like always and never, etc. When she is like this I want to tune her out, put headphones on and go in a different room. She then complains I'm distant and detached. I try to explain to her I am detached because of the way she engages conflict. She then gets reactionary and defensive and then begins her playbook of engagement. She doesn't seem to either understand the rules of engagement concept or willingly doesn't care to follow the rules. How can I stay centered in compassion when she's like that? How do I get through to her it's her choice of words and behavior I tune out because it's disrespectful?
I avoid conflicts so much that it caused a drift in communication between me and others, then they try to talk it out and I respond by running away again. Can you give me some advice on how to face the conflicts while fighting the urge to run away please?
masterpys I do the same, but mostly because I feel like their an a place we’re their not listening just attack me as a person. And that upsets me as a two. Be I try so hard not to do the things they attacking me about. Especially, when I’ve be dealing with the things they do that drives me crazy and I politely bring up ,but they don’t change it and it will be me that left the top off, but the left the underwear at someone’s house. Two levels of things treated as the same. I can’t tell if he’s a narcissist or just triggered by me .
Maybe trying to understand the other person's perspective by letting them speak without interruption And taking a break to let things cool down before taking in their viewpoint
😢Thank you !! I can better understand my conflict avoidance and how to deal with fear and anger through conflict avoidance ... I like the rules of communication ... your videos encourage me🖐💞
Just have to comment that I actually left a ketchup bottle out on the counter tonight! As I was listening to you I thought... hummm, waitaminutedidiputtheketchupaway??! Nope, I did not. Pretty amusing to have your example manifest in real time (only myself to blame; no conflict!). And thank you for the insight on how to manage conflict in a healthy way. 2w3, Self Pres
Hi Tom! Thank you so much for being so generous in your video making with us nines. I'm a nine w 1 married to a one wing nine. Do you see this often? If so, is it pretty common for this combination to kind of "swim in circles" always trying to avoid conflict? Our grown kids could definitely start to take on more responsibility. We both know it. I just try to gently encourage them, which doesn't seem to do the trick. And my husband's go to is to vent to me about it. He is even less willing to address them with this problem than I am.. He just complains about it to me.. telling me all that they do wrong and what they should do to 'be better'. I'm always left feeling like their lack of motivation and responsibility is all my fault. But it finally occurred to me what has happened after years of this circle swimming.. I think it must have something to do with our intersecting enneagram types. Any thoughts?
Probably the second worst thing you could do is withdraw passively and then sweetly insert things into the conversation like "oh I was talking to so-and-so and asked her if she wanted you to go away when you were spending time together, and she looked surprised and said she hadn't" as if that's an OK thing to say. (that's the 2nd worst, because the worst is deliberate emotional abuse)
My husband is 1w9 and that 9 type dealing with conflict is one of which I've always had difficulties, sometimes I cry seeing him and other people who have type 9 (primarily or secondary), trying to let go or understand them. I'm a 4w5 😭😭😭
Very interesting video. I think all types tend to avoid conflict it's just that each one does it in a different way. You have the 'my way or the highway' types, the 'I'll do what you want just please don't hurt me' types, and the 'yeah whatever; I'm outta here types. I admit to being the third type. And then of course, as you pointed out with the ketchup bottle different types have different opinions on what constitutes an argument. As a 5 I of course looked it up and an opened bottle of ketchup will last about a month if kept out and about a year if kept in the fridge. Contrast that with a jug of milk that starts going bad after being out of the fridge for fifteen minutes and well to me getting upset about someone leaving the ketchup out seems silly. But someone who wants their kitchen looking a certain way at all times cares more about the fact that it's not in the door of the fridge, middle shelf, between the mustard and the relish.
Great advices. Thank you. As a people pleaser 4w5 (self preservation 4) - it is just for me, how to get out of passive agression. Tom, is that 4 in stress (being afraid of rejection) is going to 2, pressing the anger and then can behave even like unhealthy 8?
10 things I don't like about you vs 10 things you don't like about me😂 "When things came down to feelings, our judgement is done" Gregorian Bivolaru (cand s-a ajuns la sentiment, s-a ispravit cu judecata noastra)
So say you’re on the receiving end of someone spouting off about “the ketchup lid.” What do you do if you say and do all the right things to validate, diffuse, listen, empathize, explain, give space, etc, depending on what the circumstances are, and the person will not cooperate to resolve the conflict, and it’s an important relationship? It has occurred to me that I handle conflict just fine, and that I don’t have to take responsibility for other people’s ability or inability to do so. I guess I thought that if there’s unresolved conflict, or conflict at all, that I’m doing something wrong. I am however at a complete loss about what to do when conflict gets swept under the rug and I make attempts to discuss the situation. I’m told things like let it drop, I’m being too sensitive, “why can’t you just move on?” etc. What kind of response is appropriate when someone commits a drive-by verbal attack? They might feel it’s resolved because they got their feelings off their chest, but I’m crushed, then shut down when I try to share how I feel.
Avoiding conflict IS actually healthy because it eliminates the possibility of enabling narcissism. Avoiding conflict doesn't mean avoiding communication of differing opinions. There is nothing unhealthy about avoiding conflict but it os unhealthy to avoid communication of differing opinions or needs & desires. For example avoiding conflict doesn't mean avoiding discussion. So therefore avoiding conflict is in fact healthy...
What do I do with a Sister who says that the talking about the principle is a waste of time? I did speak up and said time out, no this is important and I tried very hard not to feel like I was a waste of time in her eyes.
I’m a 8w7 / ENTP and every rational argument that I explore are just pearls thrown before swine. I see Jesus and Socrates facing these same frustrations of the blind leading the blind into a pit of vipers. Lord, forgive them they know not what they do! 🫣
9w1: I don't want to complain about the ketchup bottle ... even when it gets on my last nerves... because what if I've forgot something in the past. Or what if i forget to do something in the future.
My issues with setting boundaries start happening because I don't know whether i should even be angry or not, so i just try to convince myself not to be angry over stuff.
I remember my mother telling me "don't throw stones if you live in a glass house" and it really stuck with me... 9w1 here also
@@Pipster807 nice one!
Literally same. I always try to reason out of how I feel. I don’t know if that’s good or not
@@sensibilities1 me neither... me neither sis
6w5 married to a 9w1, we have learned in our 12 years together that avoiding conflict creates more conflict than confronting it. Practicing this however, has taken hold slowly. I'm saving this video so I can remind myself how important it is.
I truly wish i learned how to deal with conflict as a child ..just like u learn how to swim or ride a bike as a child .. i can't explain it, but it's much easier when you're a child ..to fail , to not overthink, and to deal with the ouchies if that makes sense.😭
Dang you really churning these bad boys out lately!! Loving it!
Dr. LaHue - My girlfriend and I just wanted to express our gratitude for how in-depth and spot-on your Enneagram videos are, especially ones around people-pleasing. We are a 1w2 (me) and 8w7 (her) couple, both going through divorce, and we've watched many of your videos together to better understand ourselves and how our past dynamics can be avoided or improved in our relationship. We often pause the videos so we can discuss things that resonate or apply your frameworks to current stuff we're working through. As a people-pleaser who's trying to reform, your insights have been especially eye-opening to me, and I've especially appreciated the problem-principles-person framework. Thanks for all your wisdom!
Thank you so much for such an incredible insight. This exact problem broke my previous marriage. We were ticking time bombs masked as a blissfully married couple :) Anyhow, armed with this knowledge, Enneagram, love languages etc, I'm trying to create a much better foundation with my current partner. I'm (1W2) working on this exact issue as well. Great works Tom, thanks again, keep them coming!
Glad to help. Wish you the best!
2 married to a 9! Ugh!!! This is so helpful! Thank you!
You got this!
This was helpful, thank you. I struggle with the first step: simply verbalizing what the problem is. I try but I freeze and I just can't say the words. They just get stuck somewhere between my brain and my throat.
I am a 9 and my husband is 5. One year we had a major blow out fight over Christmas lights outside. I asked him to put up white lights, he put up colored lights. I expressed that I had asked for white lights. He said he liked colored lights better, and was not changing them. Of course I felt discounted and not heard. I said OK then, you can have the colored lights this year, and next year we can do white lights. His response, "No, I can't agree to that." Now, I really felt frustrated and angry, as I offered what I felt was a fair compromise. I said to him, "Really, you won't even consider a compromise as a solution, to this problem??" He just stood there and frowned, and said he needed to think about it. He never did get back to me, and it never got resolved. We have had many disagreements like this that never get resolved, because he digs his heels in, disappears, and refuses to consider my input or a compromise. It has led to feelings of resentment within myself, asking myself why bother because I am not heard or recognized. This year I am getting better at expressing myself, and letting him know I am not putting up with the run away and hide and/or ignore my requests or input. It is still extremely difficult, and at times I feel so alone and like an island, with no one their to communicate with.
that's really unfortunate i hope you guys can work it out maybe u can try couples therapy?
Very useful advice. (The problem, principle and person levels). I’m glad you have a platform to share your discoveries and it warms my heart to see that it also helps other people. This is a nice follow up to the previous video on anger. I have to say that I was angry at work the other day and the image of driving the anger highway came to mind and I consciously changed my reaction. (Well after veering off a bit by habit ahah) Yes, a type 5 actually turning knowledge into actual action, mark the day on your calendar folks lol!
Thanks for the book references, I appreciate that.
Awesome, this post made me really happy!
Great one Dr. Tom!!!!🙌❤
Thanks for listening
I tested as a 9w1 and recently came across your channel. Thank you for your time and efforts. My wife tested as a 6. We have had frequent conflicts for some time now. I did not have the language for why she was so infuriating until I watched this one. Not following your rules for engagement are her go to tactics when she is triggered. She becomes irrational, loud, cursing, gets off topic with everything I have ever said or did, personally attacks my character, makes assumptions for my thoughts, feelings, and motivations, uses definitives like always and never, etc. When she is like this I want to tune her out, put headphones on and go in a different room. She then complains I'm distant and detached. I try to explain to her I am detached because of the way she engages conflict. She then gets reactionary and defensive and then begins her playbook of engagement. She doesn't seem to either understand the rules of engagement concept or willingly doesn't care to follow the rules. How can I stay centered in compassion when she's like that? How do I get through to her it's her choice of words and behavior I tune out because it's disrespectful?
I m trying not to run from conflict. I say what I have to say, and then when they start yelling, I walk away.
Henry Cloud and John Townsend...Boundaries...Happiness is a Choice
I love you Tom.
Nice video, really helped me😊
Glad to hear that!
I avoid conflicts so much that it caused a drift in communication between me and others, then they try to talk it out and I respond by running away again. Can you give me some advice on how to face the conflicts while fighting the urge to run away please?
masterpys I do the same, but mostly because I feel like their an a place we’re their not listening just attack me as a person. And that upsets me as a two. Be I try so hard not to do the things they attacking me about. Especially, when I’ve be dealing with the things they do that drives me crazy and I politely bring up ,but they don’t change it and it will be me that left the top off, but the left the underwear at someone’s house. Two levels of things treated as the same. I can’t tell if he’s a narcissist or just triggered by me .
Maybe trying to understand the other person's perspective by letting them speak without interruption
And taking a break to let things cool down before taking in their viewpoint
😢Thank you !! I can better understand my conflict avoidance and how to deal with fear and anger through conflict avoidance ... I like the rules of communication ... your videos encourage me🖐💞
Just have to comment that I actually left a ketchup bottle out on the counter tonight! As I was listening to you I thought... hummm, waitaminutedidiputtheketchupaway??! Nope, I did not. Pretty amusing to have your example manifest in real time (only myself to blame; no conflict!). And thank you for the insight on how to manage conflict in a healthy way. 2w3, Self Pres
Hi Tom! Thank you so much for being so generous in your video making with us nines.
I'm a nine w 1 married to a one wing nine. Do you see this often? If so, is it pretty common for this combination to kind of "swim in circles" always trying to avoid conflict?
Our grown kids could definitely start to take on more responsibility. We both know it. I just try to gently encourage them, which doesn't seem to do the trick. And my husband's go to is to vent to me about it. He is even less willing to address them with this problem than I am.. He just complains about it to me.. telling me all that they do wrong and what they should do to 'be better'. I'm always left feeling like their lack of motivation and responsibility is all my fault. But it finally occurred to me what has happened after years of this circle swimming.. I think it must have something to do with our intersecting enneagram types. Any thoughts?
Good information
Thanks
The extend i don't like conflicts is i would turn off the TV or skip it when there is a scene involving conflicts
Probably the second worst thing you could do is withdraw passively and then sweetly insert things into the conversation like "oh I was talking to so-and-so and asked her if she wanted you to go away when you were spending time together, and she looked surprised and said she hadn't" as if that's an OK thing to say. (that's the 2nd worst, because the worst is deliberate emotional abuse)
Well said dr. Tom👏🤝🌺
My husband is 1w9 and that 9 type dealing with conflict is one of which I've always had difficulties, sometimes I cry seeing him and other people who have type 9 (primarily or secondary), trying to let go or understand them. I'm a 4w5 😭😭😭
Type 1's avoiding conflict? Hmm...
I never thought of it that way!
Very interesting video. I think all types tend to avoid conflict it's just that each one does it in a different way. You have the 'my way or the highway' types, the 'I'll do what you want just please don't hurt me' types, and the 'yeah whatever; I'm outta here types. I admit to being the third type. And then of course, as you pointed out with the ketchup bottle different types have different opinions on what constitutes an argument. As a 5 I of course looked it up and an opened bottle of ketchup will last about a month if kept out and about a year if kept in the fridge. Contrast that with a jug of milk that starts going bad after being out of the fridge for fifteen minutes and well to me getting upset about someone leaving the ketchup out seems silly. But someone who wants their kitchen looking a certain way at all times cares more about the fact that it's not in the door of the fridge, middle shelf, between the mustard and the relish.
Good point!
Great advices. Thank you. As a people pleaser 4w5 (self preservation 4) - it is just for me, how to get out of passive agression.
Tom, is that 4 in stress (being afraid of rejection) is going to 2, pressing the anger and then can behave even like unhealthy 8?
Thanks for sharing! Maybe so.
10 things I don't like about you vs 10 things you don't like about me😂
"When things came down to feelings, our judgement is done" Gregorian Bivolaru
(cand s-a ajuns la sentiment, s-a ispravit cu judecata noastra)
So say you’re on the receiving end of someone spouting off about “the ketchup lid.” What do you do if you say and do all the right things to validate, diffuse, listen, empathize, explain, give space, etc, depending on what the circumstances are, and the person will not cooperate to resolve the conflict, and it’s an important relationship? It has occurred to me that I handle conflict just fine, and that I don’t have to take responsibility for other people’s ability or inability to do so. I guess I thought that if there’s unresolved conflict, or conflict at all, that I’m doing something wrong. I am however at a complete loss about what to do when conflict gets swept under the rug and I make attempts to discuss the situation. I’m told things like let it drop, I’m being too sensitive, “why can’t you just move on?” etc. What kind of response is appropriate when someone commits a drive-by verbal attack? They might feel it’s resolved because they got their feelings off their chest, but I’m crushed, then shut down when I try to share how I feel.
Avoiding conflict IS actually healthy because it eliminates the possibility of enabling narcissism. Avoiding conflict doesn't mean avoiding communication of differing opinions. There is nothing unhealthy about avoiding conflict but it os unhealthy to avoid communication of differing opinions or needs & desires. For example avoiding conflict doesn't mean avoiding discussion. So therefore avoiding conflict is in fact healthy...
my mom's a 1 and this must be what happens before she blows up at me
What do I do with a
Sister who says that the talking about the principle is a waste of time? I did speak up and said time out, no this is important and I tried very hard not to feel like I was a waste of time in her eyes.
I’m a 8w7 / ENTP and every rational argument that I explore are just pearls thrown before swine. I see Jesus and Socrates facing these same frustrations of the blind leading the blind into a pit of vipers. Lord, forgive them they know not what they do! 🫣