I had a similar experience recently with my 8 year old daughter. We were on an epic vacation in Hawaii. Her writing assignment for the missed school time was to write a daily journal. So each morning before our adventures began, we'd have her write. We rode in a helicopter, snorkeled off the Na'pali coast, hiked along a massive canyon, etc... Her journal would end up taking her fffooorrreeevvveeerrr to write, and she'd have like 2 sentences. Sometimes, she swore she didn't remember what we did. I lost it - like the swing set father. It felt like a blow to the chest that she could be so nonchalant about such huge events. In general, she tends to remember things quite well, but this was different. I did have a heart to heart with her & explained how mommy worked very hard to give her all these opportunities that I never had. She seemed to understand, but after watching this, I can't help but think a large part of the issue was me.
Hey Lori, my daughter is almost 3 and my wife and I have been sorta taken back by some behaviors we thought were learned at daycare. We started getting angry with the hitting and constant NO! followed by crossed arms and ignoring. Watching your videos as well as Dr. Paul Jenkins' videos have taught me I just need to chill out and realize everything we are going through is NORMAL :). My wife and I are putting a "steps to take" when insert behavior happens. Our daughter starts to hit Step 1. Calmly say, We don't hit, Step 2. Redirect or remove her from the situation Step 3. Let her calm down by holding her or be angry on the floor, once calm ask how are you feeling followed by a hug. My question would be more for the.... she does something destructive like, say she draws on the wall, is ripping up item we don't rip, or just does an action we as adults would like her to not repeat. At one end I know she's learning new emotions and has more freedom but on the other end of that there needs to be boundaries that might make her feel upset that she can't continue doing what she's doing. Before if she marked on the wall we would show her the mark and say, we don't color on the wall, we color on the paper and show her the paper and how we color on that. Now that she's older she'll yell NO! my crayon and rage out. This part i'm not really sure how to handle, because at some point they need to have boundaries to follow but only being 3 i get that those are rules that benefit us more as adults. How do I walk this fine line here with distraction but at the same time try to introduce things we can and can't do?
Lori, I just want you to know that you are truly inspirational! Teaching through love, observing a behavior & working out what it actually is that is being brought to your attention is the key. I mind my granddaughter (just turned 3) very frequently since birth. She is being neglected emotionally in her home and used a pawn. There is nothing I can do but to watch in horror. She comes to us emotionally starved and we practice your techniques to give her what is sadly missing in her life. Thank you, you have got me through so many difficulties with great success. Have a wonderful Christmas! You have very fortunate children indeed :-) Bless you x
Julia, thank you so much for taking the time to write. Your words have touched me deeply and your family is very lucky to have you! Thank you for watching and for taking this work into your family. Merry Merry Christmas! xoLori
Hi Lori, I've watched many of your videos and try so hard to remember to step out of my automatic reactions to my child's challenging behaviour and implement some of the strategies you suggest. It's difficult for me, particularly with my 9 year old who challenges me every day. Her most recent behaviour which has me either furious, bewildered or powerless is her daily demands for something; anything! It feels almost personal that she comes to me with something which is difficult for me to give her, be it an expensive day out, all of her friends over to play, an expensive toy she's seen, or the freedom to go play in the park on her own! Some demands are smaller but, if I turn her down, the reaction is always the same, she yells that I hate her, that I love Ruby (7) more, that I never let her have any fun or any nice things (because I hate her). I always let her go off and calm down on her own because, to be honest, I usually need a moment to remember not to react with anger myself. She will often come back and apologise... then ask again for the thing she wanted, then we start all over again. This can go on all day, often with her lashing out at Ruby and hurting her. I feel like I have very little connection with this, the third of my four children, and I would love some advice on how to bridge this seemingly huge gap between us. I am a widow so on my own with them and I often feel like I'm spread so thinly there's just not enough of me to go around (my eldest are 16 and 15). I am often distracted by other things and am aware that I'm not always 'present' for her when she seems to need me so much. I could really use something simple to help me in that moment when I feel like yelling back. I do believe that somehow I have the power to change this fraught relationship between us, I just wish I knew how.
Amanda Trotman Thanks so much for writing and sharing your story. In those moments - breathing is most important. There is no quick fix to healing. Where can you implement more self-care? What is triggering you? Investigating the root of your upset is most important. Remember it's about consciousness - not perfection!
Scrolling UA-cam to find ACTIONABLE STEPS the information is great to reflect as the adult BUT I need ACTIONABLE STEPS TO TAKE TO PROGRESS IN A MORW POSITIVE INTERACTION
Hi there C. Thanks for stopping by. You might find more specific direction, try our cards or one of our free classes. Or let us know what topic you're looking to know more about. Too many variables to give specific advice to your family situation without more context.
Hi Lori, thanks for the videos. I am a new marriage and family therapist working with children with trauma histories. The children I work with are from the ages of 4 to 18.
I'm having issues with my son whom is 11. We have had the same issue most of his life. He seems to get bored, but doesn't want to do any of the suggestions we offer. He tends to get mouthy and aggressive when he is bored and I'm not sure if he wants attention or what the issue is. He was diagnosed with defiant disorder years ago. Please help.
Hi Lori! I´m loving this approach and I´m making an effort to change the way I respond to his behavior, he is usually a very nice kid but I´m trying to cut down tv time cause he wants to play with his legos with the tv on all the time. I grow up like that, without limits to tv but now everytime I say is enough he cries, screams and goes away to his room and keep beating the door! I´m a litlle worried and I think I´m not handling well. Any tips?
You didn't mention how old he is but letting go of our screen addictions is tough. My 10 year old still gets extremely upset. Don't look at the TV as a limit you have to set but view it as an opportunity to connect. Because the screens fill that attachment need and it's hard to pull ourselves way from something that is so stress-relieving.
Empathy, understanding and connection reciprocated. Yes, that's what's needed.
Thank you for creating your channel and supporting parents.
I had a similar experience recently with my 8 year old daughter. We were on an epic vacation in Hawaii. Her writing assignment for the missed school time was to write a daily journal. So each morning before our adventures began, we'd have her write. We rode in a helicopter, snorkeled off the Na'pali coast, hiked along a massive canyon, etc... Her journal would end up taking her fffooorrreeevvveeerrr to write, and she'd have like 2 sentences. Sometimes, she swore she didn't remember what we did. I lost it - like the swing set father. It felt like a blow to the chest that she could be so nonchalant about such huge events. In general, she tends to remember things quite well, but this was different. I did have a heart to heart with her & explained how mommy worked very hard to give her all these opportunities that I never had. She seemed to understand, but after watching this, I can't help but think a large part of the issue was me.
Hey Lori, my daughter is almost 3 and my wife and I have been sorta taken back by some behaviors we thought were learned at daycare. We started getting angry with the hitting and constant NO! followed by crossed arms and ignoring. Watching your videos as well as Dr. Paul Jenkins' videos have taught me I just need to chill out and realize everything we are going through is NORMAL :). My wife and I are putting a "steps to take" when insert behavior happens. Our daughter starts to hit Step 1. Calmly say, We don't hit, Step 2. Redirect or remove her from the situation Step 3. Let her calm down by holding her or be angry on the floor, once calm ask how are you feeling followed by a hug. My question would be more for the.... she does something destructive like, say she draws on the wall, is ripping up item we don't rip, or just does an action we as adults would like her to not repeat. At one end I know she's learning new emotions and has more freedom but on the other end of that there needs to be boundaries that might make her feel upset that she can't continue doing what she's doing. Before if she marked on the wall we would show her the mark and say, we don't color on the wall, we color on the paper and show her the paper and how we color on that. Now that she's older she'll yell NO! my crayon and rage out. This part i'm not really sure how to handle, because at some point they need to have boundaries to follow but only being 3 i get that those are rules that benefit us more as adults. How do I walk this fine line here with distraction but at the same time try to introduce things we can and can't do?
Lori, I just want you to know that you are truly inspirational! Teaching through love, observing a behavior & working out what it actually is that is being brought to your attention is the key. I mind my granddaughter (just turned 3) very frequently since birth. She is being neglected emotionally in her home and used a pawn. There is nothing I can do but to watch in horror. She comes to us emotionally starved and we practice your techniques to give her what is sadly missing in her life. Thank you, you have got me through so many difficulties with great success. Have a wonderful Christmas! You have very fortunate children indeed :-) Bless you x
Julia, thank you so much for taking the time to write. Your words have touched me deeply and your family is very lucky to have you! Thank you for watching and for taking this work into your family. Merry Merry Christmas! xoLori
Lori
Thank you so much, your videos are so useful
Hi Lori, I've watched many of your videos and try so hard to remember to step out of my automatic reactions to my child's challenging behaviour and implement some of the strategies you suggest. It's difficult for me, particularly with my 9 year old who challenges me every day. Her most recent behaviour which has me either furious, bewildered or powerless is her daily demands for something; anything! It feels almost personal that she comes to me with something which is difficult for me to give her, be it an expensive day out, all of her friends over to play, an expensive toy she's seen, or the freedom to go play in the park on her own! Some demands are smaller but, if I turn her down, the reaction is always the same, she yells that I hate her, that I love Ruby (7) more, that I never let her have any fun or any nice things (because I hate her). I always let her go off and calm down on her own because, to be honest, I usually need a moment to remember not to react with anger myself. She will often come back and apologise... then ask again for the thing she wanted, then we start all over again. This can go on all day, often with her lashing out at Ruby and hurting her. I feel like I have very little connection with this, the third of my four children, and I would love some advice on how to bridge this seemingly huge gap between us. I am a widow so on my own with them and I often feel like I'm spread so thinly there's just not enough of me to go around (my eldest are 16 and 15). I am often distracted by other things and am aware that I'm not always 'present' for her when she seems to need me so much. I could really use something simple to help me in that moment when I feel like yelling back. I do believe that somehow I have the power to change this fraught relationship between us, I just wish I knew how.
Amanda Trotman Thanks so much for writing and sharing your story. In those moments - breathing is most important. There is no quick fix to healing. Where can you implement more self-care? What is triggering you? Investigating the root of your upset is most important. Remember it's about consciousness - not perfection!
I loved this video, Lori ! Thank you very much!
Scrolling UA-cam to find ACTIONABLE STEPS the information is great to reflect as the adult BUT I need ACTIONABLE STEPS TO TAKE TO PROGRESS IN A MORW POSITIVE INTERACTION
Hi there C. Thanks for stopping by. You might find more specific direction, try our cards or one of our free classes. Or let us know what topic you're looking to know more about. Too many variables to give specific advice to your family situation without more context.
You´re so great, thank you - I look forward to all the wisdom I will get from you :)
Hi Lori, thanks for the videos. I am a new marriage and family therapist working with children with trauma histories. The children I work with are from the ages of 4 to 18.
I'm having issues with my son whom is 11. We have had the same issue most of his life. He seems to get bored, but doesn't want to do any of the suggestions we offer. He tends to get mouthy and aggressive when he is bored and I'm not sure if he wants attention or what the issue is. He was diagnosed with defiant disorder years ago. Please help.
Did your son have sleep issues as a toddler? I hear there is a link between oppositional defiant disorder and sleep.
Hi Lori! I´m loving this approach and I´m making an effort to change the way I respond to his behavior, he is usually a very nice kid but I´m trying to cut down tv time cause he wants to play with his legos with the tv on all the time. I grow up like that, without limits to tv but now everytime I say is enough he cries, screams and goes away to his room and keep beating the door! I´m a litlle worried and I think I´m not handling well. Any tips?
You didn't mention how old he is but letting go of our screen addictions is tough. My 10 year old still gets extremely upset. Don't look at the TV as a limit you have to set but view it as an opportunity to connect. Because the screens fill that attachment need and it's hard to pull ourselves way from something that is so stress-relieving.
Is this CBT all about?
How do you connect when your child will not engage and is very defiant and disrespectful. Regardless of acknowledging and apologizing.