What if People Don't Understand?
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
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There will be times in life where people don't get it, no matter how hard you might try to make them understand. It can be frustrating! So, what if people don't understand? What are we to do?
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My husband (who doesn't have ADHD) says something that I find really validating. He tells me, "I don't understand it, but I understand that it's a problem for you."
Exactly. It should matter to you even if it doesnt matter to you because it matters to them. And of you care about them, then you help.
Hey mine too! He also says “I don’t understand it but I love you” 🤣 he’s like “how do you think so well when the world is falling but when it’s not stimulating enough then the sky is falling in your head?” I run on panic and adrenaline baby
This is gold.
Beautiful. And perfect.
got ya good one.
“People can only meet us as far as they’ve met themselves.” This phrase always helps my heart. ❤
So profound.
Stealing this
wow I absolutely LOVE that. Thanks for sharing ❤
Unfortunately, a great many people have REALLY never met themselves. Jesus Christ
I love that, never heard it before but thought it a few times.
Being confident about my own needs when others don't validate them is a big goal
With you 100% fellow persone
ADHD and newly diagnosed bipolar 1. There is such a learning curve to letting go of the hope that people will ever truly “get it”.
Mmm. Heck yea. I just got diagnosed and so so so many things are coming into perspective. Even though…. So. I told my parents and my dad warned me DONT take that SSTUff the doctor gave you (my meds) 😢 he made me start to doubt I need them but I’m just starting treatment and I see improvement edit: like I defff def freakin need them.
Amen to that
@@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD preach
You literally changed my entire life Jessica. I had no idea I might have adhd until I stumbled across your adhd in girls video FIVE YEARS ago now and it clicked. I was on the brink of dropping out of university even though I was smart enough and I loved what I was studying. After the diagnosis, the support, and the medication, everything changed so quickly, I even got straight A’s that semester for the first time in my life😅. Now I’m starting my PhD! And there’s no way I could have done it without you, thank you Jessica❤
Yes!!!
I'm very proud of you! :D
Wow. That's amazing literally
😀
I'd like to know how you got your diagnosis because I'm in an extremely similar predicament right now.
"My feelings are valid, whether somebody else understands them or not" Welcome to another episode of Jessica makes me cry and helps heal my inner child!
Seriously, thank you and everyone at this channel!
Throughout my childhood the comment I remember most is "What's the matter with you?" I am 74, my daughter is ADD, and She told me to take the test because she is certain I passed it along to her. Oh my... or I should say OH MY! First, I'm deeply grateful to her for her suggestion; second I am deep,y grateful she passed along this website; and today I am grateful for your comment because you understand the lifelong struggle. ❤
I was already crying. The deep wracking, belly sobs of my inner child. And then I read the comments. And they only got deeper. So cathartic. Thank you for being part of my insanely wonderful tribe.
I'm autistic and also have ADHD and people not understanding (or not even trying to understand) my point or perspective is one of the hardest things to let go. I also have trauma of people just not getting it, or invalidating me, etc. It makes it that much harder to move on. I don't fight with people about it, I just tend to ruminate on the fact that they don't get it and I have mental arguments that never happened on repeat in my head. It's exhausting, but therapy helps a lot! It's helped a lot to say "oh, I'm trying to fight with a ghost" when I notice it happening. The thoughts are based on something that was real, but they aren't real anymore. Now it's just a memory.
people are Evil.
I totally get the rumination thing. I like the idea of “fighting a ghost.”
@@orangenote2 It reminds me of comics or movies where theres a spirit left reliving its final moments, or that it has unfinished business and cant rest until its fulfilled. But it's really just an echo of the person someone imagines arguing with, and even if they "win," it doesn't actually accomplish anything. I feel like learning to let go and not feeling the need to justify oneself is what it takes to release the "ghost." :) easier said than done, though, haha
@@VermisTerrae Totally easier said than done, but your advice has already been helpful in stopping, or at least reducing, my rumination of a recent conversation that has left me fighting with a ghost. Thank you for sharing!
wow this is really helpful for me, thank you so much for sharing 💚
Hearing about your mom it sounds like she had it rough, and it must've been hard on you and your siblings. I'm sorry you all had to go through a rough time.
Thank you
I can't remember if it was ADHD Essentials or the Mental Illness Happy Hour, but Jessica was a guest on the podcast and went into a lot more detail about some of that history. I found her journey really interesting and found it gave a lot of context to things she talks about here - even though it was very different from mine in many ways, and similar in many others.
@@ArchibaldClumpy I'd forgotten about that! I don't remember which one it was either...
It was the other way round in my house. Mum was constantly controlling us, yelling and screaming about her needs. We tiptoed around her, more aware of her needs than ours. Like I’d get home from school really grumpy after a day of being bullied. And she would tell me off for not immediately saying “hi I’m home!” And rushing to happily tell her about my day. She was a narcissist, it never occurred to her that I had my own needs and feelings. I spent my life trying to counsel her in dealing with her depression but she had no insight to the way her mind worked.
And this is what psychologists call little T trauma…. Having your mother consistently lie to you about everything including that she loved you. Including that your friends were just the kids of women she paid to take care of me… even though these friends bullied me my whole life…. Little t…
@@setphaser I'm sorry Carla, that constant erosion of self is exhausting.
This is sort of like something I learned recently too. I learned that I don't always have to micro-analyze my feelings and needs, and I don't have to justify them, I can just feel upset by someone being rude and I don't have to justify my feelings about it. Being self-aware is a good thing but it can go too far. anyway, just thought I'd share :)
Same! I had a therapist call me out on my compulsive need to justify every thought/opinion/feeling, “say no and nothing else” or whatever the statement is feels so wrong when we’re desperately trying to get other people to understand
There are times when one's response should be "No. Even though I can't explain why, it just feels wrong."
But the vast majority of the time if I feel an emotion that I can't find a logical basis for that means the emotion is irrational and irrational behavior is wrong.
What do you mean by justify though?
THIS!!!!
Well said!
Not having people understand is my weak point. Because I am so deeply curious, because I want and need to understand everything - to me it feels like not being interested in understanding is neglect.
I can't imagine anything *worse* than not being interested and trying to understand.
Yes! Like if I'm trying to explain my needs to someone and they don't get it, why on earth aren't they trying to get it? Why aren't they putting in some effort to understand? Makes me feel like they just don't care, because the only time I can let a question go is when I don't care what the answer is.
I feel this!
What kills me are people who dismiss the effort of trying to understand by saying things like "it's simple" or "it's common sense" or at worst "you're just making excuses".
I get genuinely angry at attitudes like that.
Understanding others and being understood is not only okay, it's one of the best things in life! And you absolutely can understand where others are coming from while also seeking to be understood yourself! I think this off-the-cuff vlog-style video created some unintentional misunderstandings, but the key takeaway I really like is that even if others don't understand us, we can still validate our own needs and find ways to get them met!
This.... I don't hate... Not on a sustained level anyway.... And it takes a lot to burn bridges with me... But if you do.. I just put you out of mind... I no longer care... Good, bad, indifferent.... I hope you get whatever you deserve kinda thing. I care too much to give energy to someone who proved they ( currently) don't deserve my attention.... Still occasionally think about those people... Hope they've become better people
As someone with ADHD and ASD AND who is also learning Italian, I can also confirm that learning another language using the ‘bite size’ apps available (duolingo works for me) is an excellent way to improve focus, memory and generally get a mood boost from consistent progress.
It even helps me sleep when I do it before bed because it requires a manageable level of focus that assists with switching off from the day.
Yes! Duolingo and Memrise took me from zero to able to navigate stores, restaurants, and doctor's appointments--with Google Translate when necessary haha--when I moved to Japan.
@@queencelestyna totally! I love Japanese culture and plan to return to travel more extensively! I imagine learning a new language with a new alphabet is a challenge. I’ve a way to go on my Italian at the moment but Japanese is definitely my next language goal.
ASK SHOGO: YOUR FRIEND FROM KYOTO has a video about how he checked out Duolingo for Japanese and he found allot of it to not be useful or said the right way or not said in the right context!...
He said some stuff was alright, but if you were looking to fully learn Japanese, Duolingo wouldn't be able to fully teach you Japanese!...I wanted to use Duolingo, but I'll take it from a Japanese man about his thoughts on the app because he would know the Japanese language! 😎...
What's the language app where they put you in actual pre recorded videos of scenarios you would encounter in every day life trying to speak the language you are learning? 🤔...I like that idea...I'm Autistic and highly probable ADHD and for me, having pictures plus instructions is like the most clever way to help my mind learn! 😎😊...
He's also training to be a Japanese language instructor! One who would teach classes, do one on one tutoring and would give you Japanese history along with it, so you know why you are saying stuff and the full meaning!...
ASK SHOGO is mostly a history of Japan and Japanese culture and he has other videos where he shows how to swordfight or other type of traditional Japanese things!...
He's the sweetest guy ever! 😊...I mean putting "YOUR FRIEND FROM KYOTO" in his name even, you can't just imagine how sweet he is...
He can fully speak English and obviously Japanese because he was born there and now lives in Kyoto Japan! 😎...
He has great, informative content and he's nice and kind! 😊
@@-belue-6697 I agree with Shogo. Those tools are good for the rote memorization but there is so much cultural context cooked into the language that it completely skips.
@@-belue-6697 Having lived in Japan for almost 5 years, I found it helpful enough to get by, and I know quite a bit about both language acquisition and how Duolingo creates their lessons. I didn't have the time for attending a language school or classes since I was working full-time when I was there, so it was one of the best affordable options. It's not perfect, but it allowed me to do my day-to-day tasks. I think people need to have a menu of options and then choose what works best for them.
The 'it's OK. They don't need to understand' is so important rn. I spent today trying to explain to my family that things aren't like they used to be. That I'm getting better with things. But they don't see it so can't understand.
To help other people and ourselves understand emotion/nonphysical and nonvisible change; you can turn your experience into a physical metaphor. It works well in helping people understand, especially if it is in the terms of something they know, such as a hobby or their job. Most of us don't understand our own emotions, so we find it difficult to understand others, especially when it is of a different mind.
I had the same thing, i was always late getting ready and it frustrated everyone i didn't realise i had adhd to i was 25, I'm almost 30 now and when i was ready 10 minutes later than the agreed time with my parents and brother,they could not understand that this was me TRYING and getting comments like "we thought you were getting better now" "what's the point of your taking meds?" and no matter how much i tried to explain to them that this is me being better, they didn't seem to care because i was still an inconvenience so what's the point?!
@@gemstonerose4648
They didn't understand why getting out the door on time is freaking hard work.
For them, it's easy peasy.
I guess they were expecting the meds to make you neurotypical or something.
...Sigh.
I know getting to work on time is something I really work at.
I am Gaurdian to my 9 year old nephew, who has ADHD. ODD, PTSD etc after several years of studying these things and still studying, I totally get what you all are saying about people not getting. I've even had people tell me it is fake etc. It's crazy, but as long as I continue to help this little guy navigate through life more positively and productive the better.
I just want to say that you are AMAZING for giving him the environment he needs! THANK YOU!! 😁
Awesome for you helping the child it means so much to a human to have someone who tries to help them even if you don't do it perfectly they know you're helping them and that you care ❤😊
Adhd and ODD are really tough. It's real. I remember trying to explain ODD to a teacher who just didn't get it. It was so frustrating. And... it was temporary. It was such a big deal at the time, and now I cannot even remember that teachers name.
You are definitely a hero. I wish you both the best out of life!
Thank you for what you’re doing for your nephew. You’re the guardian I WISH I had as a kid. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be at times, but I’m really proud of you for taking on the challenge and learning everything you can do that he can have a better chance than a lot of us had as kids ❤
I think that having a partner who understands (or at least tries to understand) should be non-negotiable. & If trying to make them *try* to understand feels like pulling teeth, tell them, “Now you can try to *understand* where the door is!” 😎
yep
the only purpose of a relationship for anyone is to be understood. there's no other advantage unless golddigging.
My spouse thought I was the quiet, shy, intelligent type when we started dating because I constantly masked around them. Eventually I trusted them enough to stop masking, but I still think they expect me to stop having ADHD one day. I've tried explaining that I may not have the same problems every day, but I will have problems every day, and that medication doesn't take my ADHD away. It's difficult living with a spouse who doesn't try to understand my brain and infantilizes me. They actually told me I killed their dream of having children one day because they already parent me, and they can't trust me to keep a baby alive at home by myself.
@@margarine4error46 That sounds horrible! My advice would be to show them this channel (and/or any other materials detailing adhd) if you haven’t already, and to make it clear that trying to be empathetic of your adhd is a requirement for being in a relationship with you. & Don’t think you have to settle for someone who won’t try, because there *are* people out there (both with & without adhd) who won’t treat you like this. From the outside, there are plenty of neurotypical people who would say that their behavior is ok, because it is harder for most people to empathize with a condition that they don’t have (and most don’t care to try). But they shouldn’t be taking advantage of that fact or using it as an excuse to make you feel terrible; as your partner, they should care about how they make you feel, despite any advantages/excuses they may have. I’m guessing that you are putting a lot of effort in and experiencing a lot of suffering, over things that are often just minor annoyances to your neurotypical partner. You don’t deserve that. (Sorry if that was too long or I gave too much advice lol…you don’t have to follow it, I just wanted to let you know how I felt about it)
After being in relationships where my exes didn't try to understand and were verbally abusive...I can't agree enough with that statement. Thankfully I have a wife who's understanding and more nurturing.
i really needed this video. recently my ex friend told me i use my diagnosis to be selfish and that really hurt cuz he just doesn't understand how it feels
Maybe that is why he is your ex-friend.
@@msheckler1 ... no wai...
Trying to get the people around me to understand so I can be a little more at peace is such a struggle especially because they make my symptoms worse a lot of the time. I’ll just have to try and let it go a little more and just be my own best bud.
How do they make your symptoms worse?
@@umawladha my family is very talkative and loud and as someone who is introverted and has adhd the non stop sensory overload is very harmful to my mental health. Say a cat is put in a new place with too many new noises and people, the cat will go crazy do to the sensory overload so they run away and hide. it’s basically what I need to do but I never can so it just weighs on me endlessly. Also the normal stuff of just not getting adhd overall.
🕊🙏🙏💞🍀🫂🫂
@@spaceghost4906 can v much recommend noice cancelling over ear headphones, or for times when that doesn't work Loop earplugs (basically stylish earplugs), these 2 together save my mental state on a daily basis
*editing to say that I currently wear headphones every dinnertime & basically whenever there's gonna be an extended interaction in the house, my family thankfully just gradually got used to that being the new norm after a couple months & now they don't comment
@@spaceghost4906 i literally have the same problem with my family + my neighborhood is so loud all the time the last few months i had insomnia bcs of it
“Even if someone else isn’t in a space to understand us, maybe we can understand them.”
What an powerful, important thing to end on. Thanks for sharing!
Her point is something that took forever to understand and that I still struggle with: my gift to this world is understanding others, but it doesn't mean that people will understand me. I work in human services, so my job is literally deciphering people for other people. I'm autistic, so my ability to observe others is (apparently) ridiculously strong. I spent my life trying to understand a world I didn't "get" and it's hard sometimes knowing that people aren't entitled to understand me in turn.
I don't have adhd but I've been trying to explain myself to people that I'm having a hard time at school and no one seems to understand since I've always been the "smart but lazy" kid. It's hard for me to feel valid without them understanding but they will never realise the things I've been through because they haven't been in my brain. Thank you for these videos and giving me some new ways to think and more understanding of myself:)
As a fellow “smart but unfocused (lazy)” student, who wasn’t diagnosed until I was 45, I can relate. Have you gotten a second (or third) opinion? I hope you find what works for you, don’t give up.
I don't mean this as an assumption about you but that "smart but lazy" description sounds a lot like the perception many people have of people with ADHD and ASD which, until recently, have been considered to be mutually exclusive and many doctors actually aren't up to date on the latest understanding of the subject. I myself was told by my family doctor that I can't have both and that if I were autistic then I wouldn't even be able to look at his face (well, he said I wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes but I was actually just forcing myself to look near his eyes because that's what I've trained myself to do to fit in and I even explained this to him but was still dismissed). I think this is why many people with ADHD and ASD don't realize they have either, even many doctors don't understand it. Again, I'm not sure if this applies to you but I just wanted to share this because maybe it will give you a perspective you might not have considered or even heard of.
@@colonialstraits1069 me too. I'm diagnosed inattentive ADHD. There is nothing hyper about me. I walk around 80mg of Adderall in a day. You would not even know it because I'm so chill. I suffered and fell under the radar my whole life.
You sound like me honestly, only just realising that I probably have ADHD.
This is a tough one. I have been that student. Laziness is a character flaw so I wouldn't start by putting yourself down. If you are studying something that is very boring motivation might be lacking. I had problems with studying Booring things too. I use flash cards and pace, yes that can be interesting. I play a turend base game, read a page then make a move. Yes it takes longer but I get it done. I recommend that you play to your strengths and avoid your weaknesses. Sometimes though you will just have to power through it.
Someone told me once that the people in our lives don't have to understand you, but they do need to support you. Understanding can help you feel heard, but it's not necessary to be supportive. Say your friend has a hobby they love, like running marathons or something - which is not my thing. I don't understand how running can be in any way enjoyable. But that doesn't mean I can't attend their marathon to support them, or encourage them in training and congratulate them when they do really well.
I am also learning a language! But the reason I'm learning that language is because that is my husband's native language. His culture is very important to him. I don't need to understand why (though I do like to hear him talk about it and I do my best to understand things that aren't familiar to me). I just trust that it is important to him and if it is important to him, it's important to me. I want to be supportive of him in any way that I can.
And understanding doesn't always lead to support either! I think understanding each other is so important and feels really good when someone truly "gets it", but a lot of the time what we are really looking for is support. You can be supportive without understanding. It just takes listening, trust, and a willingness to do so.
I referred to that position in the family as "the translator" and it was a role I also filled. My mom and my older sister had a pretty contentious relationship growing up, and my mom relied on me to explain what my sister was thinking and/or feeling at any given moment. She also frequently asked me how to word requests so my sister wouldn't lash out.
It was such a bizarre experience, as it genuinely felt like I was some kind of UN diplomat negotiating peace between two vastly different cultures.
Same here. I always seemed to end up as the mediator and told I was wise beyond my years and it was exhausting. Know that you are understood, even if it is by a stranger ❤x
@@lindsay-siantrehearne2079 I got the "You're an old soul," line quite a lot. While I'm sad to know others went through similar experiences, it is nice to know I'm not alone.
This resonates so much with me. My job was to keep the peace between my two older sisters, I would understand both their sides and try to explain how each one was feeling to the other one. I always tried to make sure everyone was happy and felt understood.
It's weird as the now-identified "disabled" person (to my stepmother) that I was once the mediator/diplomat between my biological parents, my brother, and I. It was like I was a referee to a sport I didn't understand the rules to, but I looked like I "got it", so people relied on me to figure it out. It was hard understanding that my entire biological family has ADHD, autism, or both. It's still weird processing that sometimes because we lived in such an insular world and I literally grew up not knowing what was "normal" or not.
My dual diagnosis was like stepping out of some dark cave and seeing the Sun for the first time. It was a bizarre experience walking out of the neuropsych office at 16 because I was the same person to everyone else, but my world had shifted internally.
It's also really difficult, as the "autistic one" to my friends and family, not to teach about it or explain myself to others. It's hard to let that go because I've spent a lifetime explaining people to other people. I found that therapy and mindfulness has cut down on the need for that, but I literally just explained one of my weird quirks to my girlfriend yesterday, so it's not something that simply goes away.
Ugh, I was the counselor and judge of my family. I really hated it.
A realisation similar to this I made somewhat recently; I don't need people to actually understand, but I need people to understand that they don't understand. It doesn't matter if it's my ADHD/autism, PTSD or anxiety. They really don't need to understand every detail in *how* I don't work the same way they do, just that I don't work like them. Just them accepting that.
I swear you always post a video on a topic that I need to hear the most at that exact moment. As a 26 year old just diagnosed with ADHD and still living with my parents, I've been having this huge overwhelming need to explain and explain and try and help my parents understand what I'm going through and then maybe life will be a bit easier on me. One of my biggest fears in life is being misunderstood because I wasn't clear enough about myself. But then I sit in fear of either over explaining or under explaining and tend to just do nothing. Sometimes that's liberating, when you just accept that someone may not ever understand but it may not entirely matter so long as YOU understand yourself.
You may enjoy keeping a journal for your own private thoughts. Maybe keep it under the mattress 😉
I totally get this. I’m in my early 30’s and just got diagnosed. I think it’s hard to explain to the people closest to me because while the diagnosis has been life-changing for me, I’m still the same person to them.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am a 43yo that just finally officially diagnosed. It’s been real. Jessica I second that u post videos just when I need them. 🥰 it’s hard to explain yourself then feel the need to re-explain in because u feel like you didn’t do it right the 1st time. So thanks for everyone’s thoughts it helps us that are still trying to figure it out.
Omg, me too! I'm 26 yo just diagnosed with ADHD, living with my parents and having the same issues! I found me in the comments section xD
@@niki.anddog
I love you so much! You literally have helped me not hate myself so much for having adhd.
awwwww thank you! Glad to have been helpful
It’s funny how the self hate never fully goes away. I was just having a conversation with my wife and that topic came up. She is incredibly patient and understanding but she still admits she can’t fully grasp how it feels to live with your own worst enemy, constantly in your head. I’ve found a lot of benefit by not focusing on the thing that I messed up but how I fixed it. When faced with a challenge, that you created, make it right then ask yourself, “how did I do?”.
Colonial straits, that’s some great thinking.
Ditto!
@@HowtoADHD ❤️❤️
Not understanding is human nature, but that's always tough to remember in the moment.
The part I struggle to grasp most is when they don't care that they don't understand. That invalidates my feels/brainwaves way more than just not grasping them.
And some people can hear one ear and the another ear is deaf. That cause them to hard to understand when you talk to them. And some have problems in talks they cannot speak clearly. This is human nature and God Almighty create the human different kind waysband nature. The only things we can say is praise to God Almighty in the heaven
you know that before two years one of your videos changed my life? i was diagnosed as a child but never was medicatedt and ignort it then with 21 before two years i was completely before a burnout then started to watch a video from you and cried like a little child bc i realized it was all bc of my adhd and that I'm enough and that i need to stop comparing myself to "normal" people
Awwwwwww thank you so much for taking the time to share! This is why we do what we do
Normal is a setting on a dryer
Wonderful for you to have that breakthrough 😊 ❤ much love
@@cherylmccullough4153
😂🤣😃 Yup !
When I decided to finally talk to my dad about how I think I have adhd, I texted him about it and said to just text because I am uncomfortable saying things in person. But my dad decided to talk to me in person anyway. He wasn’t being mean in any way but he did say things like, “oh it’s like zodiac signs, you see something that’s like you and say you are it.” Which immediately made me realize he didn’t understand. After we had that talk I started to think, maybe I don’t have adhd. But the more I thought about it, I realized that he was wrong. I did have all the symptoms and I checked multiple times. I literally relate to everything I here ppl with adhd say they experience. And I am more comfy with texting than talking in person because texting gives me time to think. While talking in person, I need 30 whole seconds to process what someone says and by the time I’m ready to answer, they have said a lot more things. Also, the person doesn’t have to here my voice if I start crying. The whole time my dad was talking I was trying so hard not to cry. It didn’t make anything better when 2 days later my parents started to blame my depression on the fact I thought I had adhd. Every time I show symptoms, they just think I’m stupid instead of connecting it with adhd.
Help- my mom says the exact same thing and i don't know what to do
Ik she has hardships she worked through but she uses them to invalidate what I'm going through and i feel so helpless
I feel your pain. Tried to have a conversation about how I believe ADHD may be affecting one family member with a closely related family member who also seems to have ADHD but they are in total denial about the whole thing. Explaining just doesn't work. Maybe bread crumbs will help but if they don't come to the understanding themselves then I think we just have to bite that bullet as hard as it is and talk to people who do understand what we're going through instead. I found out another family member has a recently diagnosed ASD child (late teens) and a second earlier diagnosed ADHD child (early teens). Both Frequencies of the Human Spectrum seem to run in families together and this can make it harder for everyone to process. But talking to a friend or medical professional or family member that gets it without needing to be convinced vs trying to convince someone who doesn't believe it is like night and day.
@ A-Wreneye I'm so sorry you are going through this. It can be very painful to have one's struggles disbelieved. If you are in school, I hope you will talk to a counselor or the Disability Resources center about testing and support options for ADHD and other possible learning disabilities (and keep persisting if they don't have answers for you). Auditory processing disorder in particular comes to mind given the 30 second listening to processing delay you mentioned, and that's a distinct but sometimes comorbid condition with ADHD.
It's common even among supposed experts (general psychologists, doctors, and even some neuro-psychologists) to mistake ADHD for anxiety or depression instead of recognizing that they can be comorbid, or that anxiety/depression can actually be CAUSED by the stress and pain of having unrecognized and untreated ADHD.
I ended up paying out of pocket for an ADHD evaluation by a specialist because my first insurance didn't cover it, and it's some of the best money I've ever spent in my life.
People in general can be VERY bad at Theory of Mind (inferring what someone else may be experiencing internally), and this is especially true where learning disabilities are concerned. If someone doesn't have an auditory processing delay, for example, they may literally have no clue how hard it is to have a spoken vs. text conversation (even if you try to explain it to them, unfortunately).
I mention this because I hope your father's intentions may have been good in wanting to talk in person. So much of human communication is non-verbal, and a lot of people believe that serious conversations should be had in person, perhaps because they know that (consciously or not).
There are Auditory Processing Disorder simulation videos on UA-cam that might help your parents understand the reality of what you are dealing with if they are willing to watch them. I believe the Misunderstood Minds documentary was designed for parents and could also be helpful. (Regardless, I found it very validating and worth watching.)
One important tip I may have gotten from Misunderstood Minds is the idea that Success is a Vitamin. Meaning that it's essential that we always seek out things in our lives that add to our positive sense of ourselves, especially when there is a learning disability making constant withdrawals from our self-esteem bank account. Success could be noticing anything we're good at, e.g. "bad" at math but good at English; struggle with listening to a friend in crisis, but great at sending supportive text messages; hate school, but love volunteering, etc.
It can take time to find answers and people who really understand, along with the right tips and tricks, but I hope you keep chipping away at it until you find what works for you. ❤You are worth it!! ❤Please remember that things get SO much better once you know what's really going on and find things that can help!
In addition to this UA-cam channel, I find ADDitude very helpful, as well as going to CHADD meetings where I can talk with and hear from people who actually get it.
Wishing you well! : - )
@@bellaluce7088 thank you❤
One of my favorite sayings is, "I am under no obligation to make sense to you."
“Ask for help to meet a need, if they can’t, I can still go to someone else.”
This is something I’m trying to learn better. Thank you 🙏🏻
Not necessarily to a higher up in a work situation though... That doesn't always work out well! 🙂
My husband just flat out refuses to believe in ADHD. It’s causing major trouble…. I;m 50 years old, diagnosed by my doctor (who’s written papers specifically on ADHD) and psychologist. Awaiting formal diagnosis… feel so alone and lost. 😭😭😭
Thank you for this. I've been sending your videos to my boyfriend, hoping he can understand me better.
He doesn't have any comments about them, so I asked if I'm just wasting time sending them to him.
He said no (as in not a waste of time). That gives me hope
He did show me a ADHD UA-cam short that cracked me up.
Baby steps I guess.
I have mitochondrial dysfunction. Trying to explain my capabilities and limitations I have found is more for me than for the person I’m talking to. That being said. When I find someone that understands I treasure that person and do what I can to spend time with them.
Also I find people respecting my limitations is way more important than them understanding my limitations.
“It’s valid whether they understand or not”
That hit me so hard. I feel like my whole life I’ve needed to “educate” people or help them get me and then feel so rejected when they just don’t seem to get it. Thank you. I’m going to put that statement on post-it notes everywhere and keep trying to remember. ☺️❤️
My feelings are valid even if they don't understand. I needed to hear that. Thank you. 🙏
This made me cry. I wish I watched this a week ago before everything came crashing through. I had utterly "shut-down" my life after being badly hurt that my mother kept misunderstanding me. It killed me so much how she said words that I hear in my head tormenting me. I was already scared she wouldn't understand, but I still gathered up the courage to tell her to the best of my ability that I'd been struggling and needed help. I thought she would care enough to understand. But she kept denying and rejecting my words, saying it was just my anxiety that made me think this way and the best way to overcome is to "not think". That coping mechanism is what made me reach this point in the first place. I get emotional, so I try not to think about it so I get myself distracted, and when I get distracted I forget the rest of the world and responsibilities like applying for scholarships and whatnot. I didn't feel like a proper functional human being so I tried to seek out help and a friend encouraged me to meet his psychiatrist. My parents are heavily prejudiced against psychological problems. They think you're either normal or abnormal and having mental disorders count as abnormal. My mom found out accidentally about my appointment because I left the forms at home where everyone could see them (facepalms) and simply the fact that I went to see one disturbed her. My chances were already low from the beginning yet I still held on to the hope that if I explained clearly enough, they would understand.
They didn't and it broke me.
The next day I wouldn't wake up, wouldn't move whatever they did. I ended up hospitalized for a few hours because I wouldn't eat. I worried them and everyone who cared for me. I was conscious the whole time yet I just kept wanting to escape. I'd always been a ghoster to my friends, interests, and responsibilities but I never thought I'd get to the point of ghosting reality. I felt so bad but the guilt and shame only made it harder for me to go back. I woke up that night after realizing they wouldn't leave me alone until I did. I asked for time and space. Until now, I haven't been able to go back to reality and isolated myself. They became incredibly gentle and understanding of me after that but I didn't talk to them until a few days ago. Right now they're asking me if I want to drop out because I haven't been to school since, but I don't have a clue what I want to do. My friends, too, have been asking for me because I haven't been on social media. I know what I'm doing is terrible but I don't know where to go on from here. I just keep wishing it didn't have to get to this point. If I knew my mom's words of invalidation could impact me this much, I wouldn't have tried so hard. But at the same time, I'm glad to finally know her perspective. She said those words because that was what kept her going. It was her own defense mechanism. So everything in this video just hit home for me. It's like you know this was exactly what I've been going through for the past week. Thank you for this.
Warm hugs to you if you want them. I hope things are better for you. ❤️
@@kalierisThe same; I hope this person has found a way forward. ❤
This was very helpful. One challenge I have within my household is communicating that I am struggling, when it doesn't appear that I am struggling. I am viewed as productive, independent, high achieving, and high functioning... but I work VERY very hard, sometimes to the point of exhaustion.
Sometimes asking for help doesn't make sense to those within my household. Which I can understand based on their perception, as well as the end results that I can produce, which they are not aware in actuality how much work I have to put into these tasks to GET there.
When it really comes down to it, or I get overwhelmed and I NEED help, I will ask for help outside of my household instead. I will turn to my best friend who always understands and supports me! 😊
I've been following you for several months now, and after reading another commenter's reply, I wanted to add:
Thank you for creating an accommodating and accessible platform!
Back when I struggled to discover more about ADHD (inattentive), all I could find were SUPER long boring videos that were intended for physicians or parents. Your channel was the first one that caught and kept my attention.
And I have healed so much trauma through learning more about myself! I couldn't understand why I couldn't function as an adult - I felt flawed. It was like a fish trying to figure out why she couldn't fly! I am not built to function like a neurotypical, but what I can do is be the best at what I'm good at. Thank you!
Hi Jess! I've noticed what I do, and quite a few others with ADHD also do, and it's to make comparisons to something others might understand better. I see a lot of people using analogies to try and get their point across. Even to a point of telling some long visual story to try and be more relatable.
I use this a lot, trying to find common experiences to reference. Telling someone without ADHD, what it's like, and using the idea of a room full of TVs on different channels and no remotes...
I also think we try so hard to get others to understand, because we can come across as flakey, ambiguous, and unsure of ourselves. We know what we mean, but we have a hard time articulating that when it matters.
Yeah this hits hard. I was also overexplaining. One part of it was also, that i was expecting too much from others and also, that I took myself too important too (even though, that i also took myself not important enough and was very people pleasing too). Just in reality not every thing others do, is a sign for me or has something to do with me, they are just themselves and do stuff, mostly not think about me at all.
I’m so sick of people telling me I just need to focus more or be more disciplined. I’m trying my best. But my best just will never be good enough
This really hit home. Especially with my need for control. Plus... I'm convinced some people just don't want to understand ... and I have to be able to accept that
I’m struggling with the point at which “lack of understanding” crosses over into “weaponized incompetence” because they understand, they just don’t care enough to possibly be inconvenienced.
I'm working on a project to finish my bachelor. And it's a VR game where people can experience what it's like to be a student with ADD. It's meant for teachers to hopefully understand more. But of course everyone can try it out. I really hope it will work
Jewels,a great idea! Why not have employers do it too? So they can see what it's like to be an employee with ADHD. Perhaps then they wouldn't pick on those who have it!
This is a great idea!
@@92RKID it could be played by anyone who would like to experience what it's like. For my bachelor in focussing on teachers as target audience. But I would love to be able to keep working on the project after my bachelor to improve and add other scenarios etc :D
@@Sink_Bread That would be fabulous! To add work scenarios. Especially for retail and daycare jobs. That's my experience. I am sure other people have suggestions for other types of jobs that can be added where ADHD people might be employed.
I went to a therapist for fear of failing but today I heard that I really do have ADHD. Your videos have helped me already so so much and I'm deeply thankful for you doing what you do, so thankyou so much! I'm finally able to understand and accept myself a little bit better bc of you and that means the world to me.
Mmm. I think I might get a tattoo of an elephant on one hand. Just got diagnosed at 54 and am working through the grief and resentment. Understanding that explaining can stop me hearing? Oof. Thanks for ALWAYS being a hit of dopamine with your insights and cheerful presentation 😍
When there are people around us who don't understand ADHD, what often happens is that they get so frustrated that they get angry. This anger is often expressed as "You never listen!" Even loved ones who are fully aware of the ADHD diagnosis fall into this trap. What I find myself saying out loud, "you wouldn't get angry with a blind person because they can't see, and you wouldn't get angry with a deaf person because they can't hear. Why are you getting angry with me for not paying attention, when you know that I have ADHD?"
There are no words to express my gratitude for you and all that you have been doing with your videos!
I'm 60 years old and never fully understood my struggles until you. I've also hated myself for my inability to be normal, assuming it all is a moral failing as my parents always seemed to think. You have brought me some peace.
Today it seems you're teaching me that I may never be able to get my wife of 37 years to understand and love me despite my brain being so different from hers. It's a lonely life sometimes.
a coping mechanism i developed early on was not caring what others thought of me, this is both freeing and isolating because not caring about others opinion of me leads me to not seek out others for friendship. i have a small number of friends and never really feel like i make new friends because of my anti social tendencies.
This is so relatable 🥺 I don’t explain most people anything anymore, I focus more on self love and try and accept myself with all these emotions…but then there are days when I feel so alone and isolated because most people don’t get it, they don’t get my ideas about life because those don’t fit the “normal” ideas that people usually live with, they don’t get the emotional side of me because I feel so much more than others, they mostly tell me stop overthinking or feeling so much which sucks !…but overtime I’ve become more comfortable with myself even if others don’t validate me, I tell myself I’m different and beautiful:)
Sometimes it's best to find like-minded people. If people won't take the time to understand you, are they truly your friends? Or are they simply acquaintances? Or, worse, taking advantage of your needs for human interaction? I have cut out a lot of friends over my life who didn't support me when I needed it the most. And even for those who don't truly understand, I accept those who are at least willing to _try._
"My needs are valid even if the other person doesn't understand" - YES TO THIS!!! I needed to hear that. I think it's super confusing for me because at times, in the past, I have had *success* changing the direction of an interaction by helping someone understand my or others' needs. However, I was taught growing up, "Communication is a two-way street." Both parties have to be in the right head space for the communication to work. And I can't control other people. What you said here is so important.
unfortunately, i also learned this lesson the hard way recently... made a new friend this year at school (was my only and best friend for a couple months), and despite me trying my hardest, my adhd tendencies caused us a lot of friction after a few weeks. i was doing my best to be accommodating (she has a lot of past traumas that im not at liberty to talk more about), but it was especially my inability to keep up with multiple people at once that was the main cause of our friction. although she felt that i understood what was going on with her brain, unfortunately she doesnt understand how my adhd brain works, and i was unable to properly describe it to her. eventually it got to the point where she asked for some space, which i was fine with. but then the following week, i get another text from her asking me to also give this other group that id recently been trying to get to know better some space. and then i panicked, and did a thing i always tell people not to do. i immediately frantically reached out to a mutual friend, and said some things i wish i could take back (more or less called my ex friend a liar)
it only hit me a few days later, that its probably that the concept of my brain being wired completely different to hers is simply something thats entirely alien to her. in retrospect, knowing what i know now, i probably could have tried approaching things differently, and maybe things would have turned out better. i dont blame her for any of this, since i know that to an extent, i am responsible for a lot of what happened. i think our mutual understands that i wasnt in a good headspace when i said what i did, and we're still on good terms, but i just hope i can fix things with my friend and at least be on talking terms by the end of the school year, and we go off on our separate ways to uni
not entirely sure what i wanted to say here, just wanted to share an experience...
I almost developed an obsessive need to make sure I was always understood....it turned into years of online debates that went nowhere.
No joke when I say this channel and another have changed my life I have as of yesterday finally taken the step in getting diagnosed. I have for years masked and told myself I'm lazy or lack discipline. But this channel has given me answers to questions I didn't even have and given me the realisation and more importantly confidence to tell someone and then they ultimately have guided me to a diagnosis. I now have a 12 page document of symptoms I match and their impact (Yes I wrote this in a hyper focus state and diverting from a uni assignment 😂) that has gone through my uni student counsellor who has now helped me take the first step in diagnosis from a medical perspective.
For a 20yo guy who everyone would perceive as 'normal' and 'academically smart' to embrace this and almost you could say come out with ADHD has been massive, but more so for myself to actually embrace me and stop masking so many facets of me as a person the last few weeks have been life changing and most of that is down to this channel.
So a monumental thank you
I was explaining to my Dad yesterday about ADH. He has experienced everythign I talk about and has had empathy because he's a Brain. His GF, My Aunt, My Uncles - nobody else is a heart! We lack support.
It's surprising how this video came in the perfect timing. I was having a bad time and I wanted to share how I felt with someone... Thought my mother would understand it, but she didn't get it. It's hard when the people who is supposed to be closer to you can't understand that sometimes dealing with ADHD can be very difficult...
your videos have helped me a lot by knowing that there are more people out there who feel or deal with the same. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, ideas, experiences. You are awesome!
Same here,
Sending ❤ &🙏🏽.
Have a good day !🙂
43 years old and finally finding out that I've been underrated my whole life. I've been losing my absolute mind trying to figure what he hell was happening and why i felt/ acted this way.. this video had me in absloute tears because I've been feeling this way for so long and other people feel and understand what I'm going through.
Spanish because I'm a business owner and every time someone comes in and I can't speak to them in their own language, I feel bad.
awwwwwww that's such a sweet and compassionate reason to wanna do Spanish!
One of the hardest things for me, was learning when to ditch the "act as if" strategy I used to cope with folks who didn't get it. If you act as if they understand, and they don't it can be really disappointing when you are reminded that they don't get it.
Jessica, you are so much more effective than other people I have listened to.
Hands down you are the best. And, thank you for being you.
From an 81 year old who has suffered since I was young.
What is worse is when people who do understand, or should understand, don't. When people that you know for a fact have gone though the same things you are or have, and yet they still put you down for your differences, they still act like you will never be able to be as successful as other people, and it hurts.
Great insight. I’ve spent way too much energy trying to _make_ people understand through my words and then melting down when they don’t get it. 😕
Thank you i needed this video now. I just got off the phone with my mom where i was trying to explain why I think i have adhd and explain whats hard for me, but she refused to understand. She kept saying I was just lazy and i just need to try it differently.
I can understand that from an outside perspective when im just sitting there not doing what need to be done at work and at home it can look like im lazy, but on the inside im battling with my brain trying to get it to do something and failing. And no one feels worse about it then me.
Im currently getting diagnosed at 23. Had my first psychologist apointment yesterday. And she agreed that i might be onto something
Very timely for me, thanks. I definitely have trauma around this, and between that, rejection sensitive dysphoria and pda (an anxiety driven need for control) this exact situation has sent me into many complete meltdowns. When I was going in trying to explain myself, specifically with the goal to make the other person understand completely, any inkling that I am being misinterpreted or dismissed sent me into fight or flight, instant full panic and adrenaline etc, and then everything from that point on feels like an attack and your body reacts to the perceived danger, removing the ability to self monitor let alone try to understand the other person’s perspective when every fibre of your being is saying they are a threat.
And that’s no help to anyone, the situation was one I was setting myself up for failure at the start if my goal was “perfectly convey this and they will understand” because with a goal like that ANY response other than “I understand” is going to feel invalidating. No one has your exact same experience, and understanding has to be a give and take as you BOTH see each others perspective, and when I came at it from an entirely one-sided way of “I need them to understand me” it removed all ability for me to even get where they were coming from.
I literally just realized what I had been doing yesterday so this helped clarify some things, I really appreciate it. I felt so attacked the moment anything was dismissed or misunderstood, up until then I thought “maybe I just wasn’t phrasing things perfectly enough. Next time I’ll say it in way they can’t possibly misinterpret” and when of course that failed it felt like my world came crashing down around me. And I came to the realization that you can’t cover every possibility, no matter how open you are and how much you trust the other person they WILL say something hurtful without meaning to, and that’s ok, I can let that happen without feeling like what makes me me is being told they don’t matter, if I just come at it with a different expectation, instead of my natural drive to control every possibility for my own safety.
I'm 16 and a science student and I'm passionate about learning, but I have a lot of trouble just focusing and doing things normally. I was that gifted kid who could draw, play instruments, understand advanced concepts and score well in talent searches. And that got people thinking I'm just lazy.
My mom doesnt want to 'encourage' my problems by acknowledging them, so I can't wear headphones or leave the room if my relatives make noises that set me off.
My bad performance in school has made it difficult to be taken seriously and everytime I get someone to monitor me, they just get angry with me when I don't do something properly.
My whole house is busy with their own things, so they can't really help me or be patient with me. Medication is not an option so they want me to either be normal or take an easier course like humanities.
I'm not even allowed to say 'ADHD' anymore because they think I'm a hypochondriac self diagnosing because of the internet. They also don't want to take me to a doctor to check it out.
I used to c*t in desperation before I even knew what c*tting was. And when ppl found out, they just compared it to their own experiences and said I'm taking it from the internet and I'm being dramatic about small things.
Is there anyone who was able to manage in this situation? Please help me out. It would mean a lot to know someone else...
Ill admit that I AM lazy.
But that purposeful laziness came after i repeatedly realised that even my hardwork was never enough. Its never enough even if I try.
I grew up like that. It’s really, really hard to be in an unsupportive home but not have the resources or autonomy to leave. Please know that you will not be in this situation forever, and legal adulthood is a real thing. Your family is not the whole world, and you are not a bad person if you limit their role in your life when it’s necessary for your well-being. Do what you need to do to stay safe and housed as long as you need to, but start looking for other avenues to get your needs met. It’s hard to accept that your family isn’t capable of that, either for now or permanently. But just because they can’t doesn’t mean your needs aren’t real and deserve to be met, just means you’ll need to find other ways to do it. Doesn’t mean it won’t make you sad or feel like throwing up at the thought of having to set limits with them like that, not going to lie. I’m in my 50s now, and it was very hard back when I was in your situation. I couldn’t imagine that I was capable of living without their help, guidance and approval. But it did get better, and I did eventually end up being able to establish a better relationship with them - on my terms - when I was older.
This is a struggle with me and my family. I'm 16 right now, and I was unfortunate enough to try to get my parents and friends to understand my needs and pain. They only ever saw one side of the elephant while I saw the other. The difference between me and them (especially my parents) is that they made assumptions about what the other side of the elephant looked like instead of listening to what I have to say. I tried to be understanding Luke "I understand that that side of the elephant is rough and battered, but you need to understand that my side is scratched up and needs to be taken care of" that started probably around when I was four years old (extremely sad, I know. I had to experience it essentially since the day I gained consciousness) and lasted up until this day, but the difference between now and then is that I now know that sometimes people will not only just not understand, but don't want to. I've been fighting against that narrative for YEARS, trying to change that fact because it hurt more to think that my own parents didn't want to understand than it was to think that there was a chance they might. I still try to get them to understand to this day, but I took a lot of time within this past year and few months focusing on myself and my needs and trying to understand myself before I try to get others to understand me. Sad thing is though, it doesn't matter how many times I tell my parents I have depression and adhd and extreme anxiety, they won't believe or understand me. Neither do they want to. I just have to find people that will. People that *can* . And if you're wondering- yes. It still hurts. It hurts so so much to know that my parents want to help me bur don't want to believe I need help. I still have that sliver of hope and it's killing me slowly. I have found people taht are willing to understand me, even if they don't always do. I just need people who WANT to help me and be there for me when others aren't, and even when they are. That doesn't make it any more difficult to bear, though.
Same...
It's extremely difficult for me to express my emotions because 50% of the time, I don't understand them myself, no matter how much I try to look inward. When it's forced out of me, it's always the incorrect words I use and it's the main reason I mask so much. I'd rather show nothing than try to explain what I'm feeling or what I want.
I’m one of the hearts that follows your channel, it’s incredibly brave of you to open up and share some of the trauma you experienced as a child. There is literally an entire book that was written on the topic you brought up today, it’s called The Ant and the Elephant, but I think you explained it better and is definitely something we all need to be reminded of, thank you for reminding me of this beautiful lesson!
It's always tough when someone's actions aren't matching up with their words. We really want to believe that "if they understood, they'd do the right thing" when often they do understand... and are still choosing to act the way they do. And that sucks.
I really needed to hear this. I had a bad car accident almost 8 years ago now and my PTSD flares up around the holiday season. I feel like I get retraumatized every year because people just seem to forget my issues because of the holidays. I’m constantly having to remind people what I’m going through and I convinced myself if I just kept repeating myself, things would eventually sink in for them, but I really need to let that go.
My dad just doesn't understand, but he tries really hard. When he thinks he's found a solution to my problem that I know won't work and he's not willing to hear my "excuses", I just let him excitedly think he's fixed my problem!
It's amazing how much I needed to hear you and your message right now. I have ADHD and I just had a spirited argument with my husband (again) in which I was trying to make him understand my need for a mental break from everything sometimes, especially when my sleep schedule is thrown off, which is often, and sometimes not my fault. And he just doesn't understand, especially when he believes that his questions should be addressed at that specific time, which is often. I can understand his POV, but it seems like he rarely makes an effort to understand mine. As you were talking about how it's okay that some people don't and will never understand and that one's feelings/needs are validated no matter what, I began crying. I've been trying for so long to make people understand me that your words just broke the dam and the water flowed. At this moment, I feel lighter, like a heavy burden's been lifted. Thank you, Jessica.
I... needed this very much right now. Thank you! (I'm an ADHD school worker, and I need to be... insufferably...careful if I see another adult berating a clearly ADHD kid for misbehaving. I can't just make everyone understand it, if I sense an issue with it.)
I think another important thing to keep in mind is that sometimes the other person might not *want* to understand. If they have no desire to even entertain a different perspective, there is no way that they'll magically understand even if you explain things perfectly. Not saying that this was the case with your dad mind you, this is just something I've had to learn myself especially with discussing certain topics at work.
My dad once told one of his buddies (right in front of me!) "I had kids so I wouldn't have to do housework." Sadly, that was decades ago and he's gotten more toxic, not less.
It’s hard for me to get medication for my ADHD. Can’t even find an appointment closer to the current date. But your videos help me manage when I’m discouraged. Thanks for that.
Oof yeah, that's unfortunately relatable. Glad our content can help you along in your journey.
there’s a saying in the animal rights community about communicating with others about these important issues in order to prevent animal suffering. it might apply here as well. “you cant wake someone who is only pretending to be sleeping”.
At one point I just stopped trying to explain myself so others can understand, and this comes from how my family is treats me in general. I can always say how I feel, how certain things I have no control over (difficulty in sleeping bec of insomnia, back then my mom would just hit me if I don't sleep. Even now they still tell me to sleep even when that doesn't really help at all. And at times how I find it stressful and exhausting when there is too much of everything all at once and how changing focus from one thing to another triggers the same thing. It starts to translate to anger because I do not know any healthy way of expressing those emotions, at one point I tried explaining these things to them only to hear bizarre and illogical things from them. They just make me feel bad if I actually explain it to them). I try and make others understand how I am as a person bec of my ADHD but bec of how I am treated by my family I just feel disgusted at myself because it looks like I am just using this as an excuse. But I still try to this date and one of my friends who is very understanding and also has a partner with ADHD helped me vent some of my frustrations and she is one of the people who just lets me be, me.
Literally watching this video after getting done with a meeting where myself and several others were discussing a least-effort, greatest effect solution with my boss' boss and she kept shutting it down because it didn't meet her vision for how the team was going to function. We ended up going with an alternate solve which is going to be a lot less efficient and will require some of our team to take time out from their regular job duties to maintain the solution.
This makes me sad, it’s like when you get called out in therapy and you know they are right. But you need to sit with it for a while before you’ll accept it.
Thank you for the complicated feelings
So much time, I spent trying to see how to make others understand or upset that they don’t. This hits home
So well reflected 💛 I believe, as long as we understand ourselves, we don't need anybody else to understand. It might take time to fully understand ourselves, but it's worth the effort of getting to know ourselves.
This video is so on point! I've always wanted my husband to understand, but he does not have ADHD and never will understand what is like to be in my head. I need to work on accepting that even if he doesn't understand my feelings are still valid.
Started to watch this video, got sidetracked by going off to install the app you recommended, came back,to this video an hour later. Thank you for sharing you story. You’re so brave.
The best thing my husband has ever done for me is to say "I don't understand but I believe you" he is amazing at meeting my needs without ever completely understanding.
Thank you for being so open and honest with us, I really like this video and this message overall. Other people don't have to understand our feelings or needs in order for them to be valid. I've been learning over the past few years that I don't need to justify or explain my feelings. Also I can't control other people, I'm not responsible for their actions, and it's not my responsibility to fix someone else's feelings.
I always say, “I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.” 😊
Hey! I was diagnosed in 10th grade, and I found your channel when I was in college. You have really helped me feel normal. Also some advice from you helped me get out of a toxic relationship, and helped me in my current one. I replay a lot of the same moments so thank you for validating that.
When I was growing up; I remember that Dyslexia was just being diagnosed. Now it seems that nobody questions it when someone is diagnosed with Dyslexia. So I usually use that as a starting point. It’s something you cant see, but it’s definitely real. Most people I talk to understand, because they know me, and remember how I was as a child. I dont know if its because im older, or because I served in the Marine Corps, but I really dont care if they understand or not.
How to ADHD, thank you. This video has shed some much needed light on a work situation with management! Basically a lot of them just don't care even though I was hired when I had a job coach. And it is known to HR that I have ADHD. Things are a lot thornier than that alone, but that straightens out one small piece, for me anyway.
Wow this makes so much sense . People want me to just stop , but I keep going , wanting them to understand and they get wound up with the “yeah but “ then I lose the friend 🤦♀️
We have to respect the level of understanding of another people. We can then find someone else to fulfill our needs or set a boundary. I struggled with this a lot with my neurotypical sister (I have ADHD and ASD). She sees a lot of things differently and it is impossible to explain to her. Sometimes she even finds the understanding of some of those things along the way and then tries to explain it to me which is very funny 😄 But I love her nevertheless.
This concept has a name. Intellectual humility is one of the most important concepts for us to understand, so we can, in turn, understand each other.
Thanks for this video. This has been weighing on my brain quite a bit lately. I’m always feeling like my coworkers think I am lying about my diagnosis and I want to explain to them why certain symptoms don’t present themselves in me because they only know the basics. I can be informative if I need to be but I also don’t feel like I should be chastised or being called a liar. Maybe it’s my own insecurities, and I will need to work on that.
After I said I was so struggled by ADHD, My best friend said “ emmm but maybe is you think too much? Maybe you’re not ill “ that hurts me a lot , I feel so ignored by her
I so relate to this. I've been trying to explain for years to my husband how much his lying hurts. I finally gave up on hoping he would love me.
I have ADHD, I get into fights with my brother when he doesn't understand what I mean, and gets mad, but when I try and explain/defend myself his go to argument is "that's not how the world works" How are you supposed to respond to that, when he's not accepting any way I try and explain what I mean...I just break down when he says that...He refuses to understand that my brain works differently than his...But thank you so much for this channel you've helped me understand my ADHD more than ever as an adult.
What an insightful point that we aren’t listening when we are explaining. That’s very helpful and makes sense when our “fast, fun brains,” as I put it, are rushing to get our thoughts out so we can get that understanding we are craving. Thank you!
100% totally relate to what you're saying it is frustrating. I mean I didn't get diagnosed till I was 40. growing up even like now with my parents, they don't get it that's. I'm I've accepted that. I think of it as receiving the golden ticket. I love finding a way to take negatives and making it into a positive picture.
You should make a series one day of going to other people's homes and helping them adhd proof their space and help smooth out things they have such huge problems with!
There is one thing in my life that is really funny for me is that long after I was diagnosed with ADHD my dad also got diagnosed and I'm an only child so that gave me another type of connection and understanding to him. Which is really beneficial however there is now a game my mom has to play with both of us when my dad and I agree on something. The game is "Is it a guy thing or an ADHD thing?" The best part is none of us are ever sure.
You always post videos that are accurate to what I'm struggling at the moment! Thank you so much
I was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, GAD, & depression when I was about 10 years old. However, I was only ever medicated for my general anxieties and depression. Due to the stigma of ADHD medications when I was a kid, my parents didn't want to get me medication for it. In hindsight, my untreated ADHD clearly caused a lot of issues for me as a child, teenager, and adult (family relationships, friendships, work, academics, health, etc...).
After finding your channel this past summer and realizing ADHD was affecting me far more than I thought (I thought those symptoms stemmed from my OCD), I looked into getting treatment. About 19 years after my diagnosis, I finally have an appointment booked for next week with a psychiatrist to get medication for my ADHD.