so powerful -- shame is so misunderstood --'shame on you' spoken with no understanding of the deep wounding it carries -- blessed to have the clear and divine voice of Brene Brown -- so much appreciation for what you have offered me and those who I get to touch -- thank you
'embarrassment' is another way of saying HEALTHY shame same thing your face flushes, your body tingles, you get that 'oops' overexposed feeling it's how you *feel*, within yourself, that you've over-reached your *own* boundaries and you can adjust your behavior until your body feels 'right' again by contrast, 'toxic' shame is a constant sense of unworthiness, a smothering blanket of I-am-badness that poisons every moment of your life not a temporary re-direct they should have different names
Feeling shame and/or guilt for immoral actions/thoughts is a good thing. The problem nowadays is that folks (myself included) have become so indifferent and cynical to bad behavior.
there's a difference between 'toxic shame' (I am gross, bad, unworthy - don't look at me), and 'healthy shame' (I'm at a fancy party in a bikini and I feel underdressed) one is a systemic, deeply-ingrained sense of unworthiness; the other is what healthy people feel, instinctively, when they've overstepped one of their OWN boundaries the difference couldn't be starker and neither is the same as 'guilt', which is a whole different conversation
I agree. You only need to look at the opposite extreme of shamelessness to see that without even a little shame, people would have no conscience. Why follow rules at all? Humility, empathy, valuing other humans.. don’t these all require some form of shame? Otherwise one just does whatever one wants, consequences be darned.
For me, shame comes for a sense of feeling unworthy. We acquire these feelings from our parents and caregivers when we are growing up. Thoughts like; "I am bad." or "I am no good." hold us back, especially if we repeat them over and over again in our heads. Hi, my name is Omar and I felt ashamed and depressed for a long time until I got help and got my life back If you are feeling ashamed or depressed and looking for help please see my YT depression self help videos on my DepressionHero channel
This sort of psychology is useful, but I can't help but feel it is grounded in some fundamental misreading of the psyche - it somehow thinks that all we need to do is name parts and tendencies and then we can control everything - Ego psych, the psych is deeper and darker than this, even though these distinctions are useful, I can't help but think that seeing the lack of the Ego's sovereignty is also important, especially where feelings of guilt are concerned
Shame resiliency for me is this; "You might think that I am a bad person and that I should be shamed and feel shame for who you perceive for me to be based on your judgement, but I know that in my heart of hearts that I am a good person at my core and that will take precedence over your opinion of me because I care enough about myself to have my back when your intention is to tear me down emotionally and make me feel small."
GUILT is directly connected to sinfulness and therefore in a sense it defines us. YET Father GOD separates behavior and self worth ... HE convicts us of our wrong behavior having the faith in us to change because HE sees in us the potential to change.
When you say “shame on you” to a child, it’s damaging. At that moment, it’s not about the child, it’s about the parent - their insecurities, fears, frustrations, and their own shame that they are projecting on to the child.
sure, but what is an informed conscience driven by? is 'conscience' a moral construct residing in the head, composed of behaviors that are socially deemed 'good' or 'bad'? or is it an embodied, intuitive signalling within the viscera that tells the (limbic) brain 'this feels wrong' or 'this feels right'? I would argue that morality, conscience, and healthy shame all derive from the same neurophysiological place, are innate, not learned, and occur spontaneously and reliably in intact people
I do not believe that guilt is good. I see guilt as a sense of condemnation of myself about my behavior where as I know that Father GOD never piles guilt on us ... HE rather convicts us ... which is pointing out that the specific behavior is not beneficial to us or others with the belief that we can change our behavior. I have been raised to feel guilty and with it to feel bad about myself for doing such a thing.
Religious or not, guilt is a good thing perceived properly. When you have guilt, you know you've done wrong and normally you'll take steps to correct it. Shamefulness is another story...
You should feel guilty about bad behavior. We know from childhood when we've done something wrong even if we cannot understand it completely because we are still developing.
I still feel that shame play the part and who you want others to be shame on you for taking that puppy shame on you for drinking while you're pregnant if you don't feel shame your narcissistic what do you call it shame or guilt
if you feel guilty without much shame you might change that behaviour, BUT if you feel a deep sense of shame then your understanding of yourself is that "of course" you are doing terrible things because you feel & believe you are inherently such a terrible person, so when someone says "shame on you", it doesn't help change the bad behaviour
so powerful -- shame is so misunderstood --'shame on you' spoken with no understanding of the deep wounding it carries -- blessed to have the clear and divine voice of Brene Brown -- so much appreciation for what you have offered me and those who I get to touch -- thank you
'embarrassment' is another way of saying HEALTHY shame
same thing
your face flushes, your body tingles, you get that 'oops' overexposed feeling
it's how you *feel*, within yourself, that you've over-reached your *own* boundaries
and you can adjust your behavior until your body feels 'right' again
by contrast, 'toxic' shame is a constant sense of unworthiness, a smothering blanket of I-am-badness that poisons every moment of your life
not a temporary re-direct
they should have different names
I love the way you explain things!
so fascinating and empowering...
Feeling shame and/or guilt for immoral actions/thoughts is a good thing. The problem nowadays is that folks (myself included) have become so indifferent and cynical to bad behavior.
there's a difference between 'toxic shame' (I am gross, bad, unworthy - don't look at me), and 'healthy shame' (I'm at a fancy party in a bikini and I feel underdressed)
one is a systemic, deeply-ingrained sense of unworthiness;
the other is what healthy people feel, instinctively, when they've overstepped one of their OWN boundaries
the difference couldn't be starker
and neither is the same as 'guilt', which is a whole different conversation
The second one is embarrassment rather than shame by BB's definition. Brown differentiates : Shame, guilt, embarrassment and humiliation.
I agree. You only need to look at the opposite extreme of shamelessness to see that without even a little shame, people would have no conscience. Why follow rules at all? Humility, empathy, valuing other humans.. don’t these all require some form of shame? Otherwise one just does whatever one wants, consequences be darned.
thank you; this video wasn't sitting with me right and I cudn't articulate wat exactly i found wrong with it...you put it very nicely :)
For me, shame comes for a sense of feeling unworthy. We acquire these feelings from our parents and caregivers when we are growing up. Thoughts like; "I am bad." or "I am no good." hold us back, especially if we repeat them over and over again in our heads. Hi, my name is Omar and I felt ashamed and depressed for a long time until I got help and got my life back If you are feeling ashamed or depressed and looking for help please see my YT depression self help videos on my DepressionHero channel
This sort of psychology is useful, but I can't help but feel it is grounded in some fundamental misreading of the psyche - it somehow thinks that all we need to do is name parts and tendencies and then we can control everything - Ego psych,
the psych is deeper and darker than this, even though these distinctions are useful, I can't help but think that seeing the lack of the Ego's sovereignty is also important, especially where feelings of guilt are concerned
Brilliant ideas.
Shame resiliency for me is this;
"You might think that I am a bad person and that I should be shamed and feel shame for who you perceive for me to be based on your judgement, but I know that in my heart of hearts that I am a good person at my core and that will take precedence over your opinion of me because I care enough about myself to have my back when your intention is to tear me down emotionally and make me feel small."
GUILT is directly connected to sinfulness and therefore in a sense it defines us. YET Father GOD separates behavior and self worth ... HE convicts us of our wrong behavior having the faith in us to change because HE sees in us the potential to change.
'healthy shame' is John Bradshaw's terminology
I don't know whom he got it from
This is highly based.
When you say “shame on you” to a child, it’s damaging. At that moment, it’s not about the child, it’s about the parent - their insecurities, fears, frustrations, and their own shame that they are projecting on to the child.
sure, but what is an informed conscience driven by?
is 'conscience' a moral construct residing in the head, composed of behaviors that are socially deemed 'good' or 'bad'?
or is it an embodied, intuitive signalling within the viscera that tells the (limbic) brain 'this feels wrong' or 'this feels right'?
I would argue that morality, conscience, and healthy shame all derive from the same neurophysiological place, are innate, not learned, and occur spontaneously and reliably in intact people
I do not believe that guilt is good. I see guilt as a sense of condemnation of myself about my behavior where as I know that Father GOD never piles guilt on us ... HE rather convicts us ... which is pointing out that the specific behavior is not beneficial to us or others with the belief that we can change our behavior. I have been raised to feel guilty and with it to feel bad about myself for doing such a thing.
Religious or not, guilt is a good thing perceived properly. When you have guilt, you know you've done wrong and normally you'll take steps to correct it. Shamefulness is another story...
I know what you mean, but I think some things called guilt (like 'catholic guilt) are actually mixed with a big dose of shame
You should feel guilty about bad behavior. We know from childhood when we've done something wrong even if we cannot understand it completely because we are still developing.
when im vulnerable i get more aggressive.
and lash out.
I refer you to my comment below
Like, I used to feel guilt for eating animals, so I become Vegan
I still feel that shame play the part and who you want others to be shame on you for taking that puppy shame on you for drinking while you're pregnant if you don't feel shame your narcissistic what do you call it shame or guilt
if you feel guilty without much shame you might change that behaviour, BUT if you feel a deep sense of shame then your understanding of yourself is that "of course" you are doing terrible things because you feel & believe you are inherently such a terrible person, so when someone says "shame on you", it doesn't help change the bad behaviour
Of course she is a fan of guilt, she's a woman!