My husband has been having an emotional affair for 2 years. I can love him and accept where he is in his life right now, but at the same time I am recognizing that this is not the kind of relationship I want. I can love him for the years we have shared and the gift of our children, and say goodbye to him with love hoping that the path he is on will eventually lead him to find happiness within himself as I am learning to find the happiness within myself.
"If you would be different, I would feel better". Just hearing you say those words was all I needed. I got what you meant through and through like never before. What a significant teaching. I was ready. And I know that the freedom that is mine in embracing this in my life now is monumental. Thank you.
I have wanted a closer relationship with my adult children for so long. My children do not care for my husband. My husband dislikes, resents, criticizes, and ignores my children. I left the marriage. I feel so free, and finally in control of my life!
Hello Sharon, I really loved this video. You are spot on. But I do have a question. What do you do when you ask for what you need from your spouse and you still don't get it? I feel I am crystal clear as to what I need - a sign of affection, a hug; conversation etc.
The most important aspect of a relationship is intimacy. To love is to be intimate and be aware of the feelings of your spouse. By definition, we are all isolated beings in a savage world. Observe the world’s religions pronounce that life is suffering. The only possible relief from this suffering- to some degree, is to conquer the isolation thru intimacy- to become one with another. To become one of the few organisms on this planet not completely isolated. But rather joined with another - both sensitive to the needs of each which become the needs of both. Both share in the joy of the other which becomes the joy of both- both bare the inevitable sorrows of life. A transcendent relationship that seeks the preservation of the union over the individual. Saying I am responsible for my happiness and my spouse is responsible for his is a relationship built upon separation. Two co-existing apart- lonely for the true joy only intimacy can fulfill.
Thank you Sharon! This video was helpful for me. Most of my life I have found myself trying to live in everyone else's happiness including my husband and not my own.
I understand, and agree with, everything you said here. I am responsible for my own happiness, and have been working on being the best me I can be. I love everything about my husband (and express that often), with one exception: his two-year affair with another woman. We are a few months into recovery, and I want him to be more open and transparent with me, including sharing his phone and e-mail passwords, so I can verify he is no longer in contact with her. Each time I ask him to provide me access, he brushes off the question. How do we address a spouse who simply will not provide the one thing that (IMHO) is important to every relationship?
Thank you for this very practical advice. This idea of letting those around you off the hook for making you feel better has really been transformational to me and to my marriage. My husband has said he’s noticed a big change in me. My focus has become to just love and support him, not expecting him to fill in my needs and make me feel happy. This has also really simplified and made conflict resolution for us a lot easier and less painful because we’re not expecting each other heal our brokenness while the other one is broken, too. There’s another video I watched of yours a few months back about lowering your expectations for your spouse and only focusing on loving them, not trying to get something from them, but I can’t seem to find it. You also mention in it having other friendships in your life that you can turn to for support and encouragement so that your spouse doesn’t become drained from trying to fulfill every important role in your life. Do you know which video that would be? Thank you again.
I used to have friends like that - they really aren't friends, but keep in mind they aren't enemies either. They are obviously comfortable in a certain zone and as long as they aren't in a committed relationship with you - accept it, allow the space and either they will stay in touch, or they won't.
My wife lives behind her safety walls and refuses to allow herself to fully commit to our relationship. Sexless marriage for 15 years, hasn't kissed our touched me in 8 - she expects fidelity, monogamy and me to accept forced celibacy and be happy like this. She simply refuses to discuss with medical professionals about the deadness. recently told me she "never liked sex - never in her life" - which lead to me wanting an explanation because if she knew this prior to our relationship ("never" being the key word used) - and she wonders why I am confused and feel that I have been deceived into marriage and adopting 4 children with someone who KNEW she was going to withdraw and take away physical affection and sex. It's always the unattainable - undefined condition that will make the distance go away, crazy making. every time I ask for affection and sex, she accuses me of being needy, or being a narcissist. Puts me on the defensive and removes the responsibility of her addressing that particular elephant in the room.
When you ask or say what you want and your partner doesn't communicate and continues to be loveless..
Thank you Sharon. I am 43 years old and just now learning to be responsible for my own happiness.
My husband has been having an emotional affair for 2 years. I can love him and accept where he is in his life right now, but at the same time I am recognizing that this is not the kind of relationship I want. I can love him for the years we have shared and the gift of our children, and say goodbye to him with love hoping that the path he is on will eventually lead him to find happiness within himself as I am learning to find the happiness within myself.
"If you would be different, I would feel better". Just hearing you say those words was all I needed. I got what you meant through and through like never before. What a significant teaching. I was ready. And I know that the freedom that is mine in embracing this in my life now is monumental. Thank you.
I agree wholeheartedly with your comment. "I was ready" is key!
I have wanted a closer relationship with my adult children for so long. My children do not care for my husband. My husband dislikes, resents, criticizes, and ignores my children. I left the marriage. I feel so free, and finally in control of my life!
Hello Sharon, I really loved this video. You are spot on. But I do have a question. What do you do when you ask for what you need from your spouse and you still don't get it? I feel I am crystal clear as to what I need - a sign of affection, a hug; conversation etc.
Thank you for sharing these insights.
The most important aspect of a relationship is intimacy. To love is to be intimate and be aware of the feelings of your spouse. By definition, we are all isolated beings in a savage world. Observe the world’s religions pronounce that life is suffering. The only possible relief from this suffering- to some degree, is to conquer the isolation thru intimacy- to become one with another. To become one of the few organisms on this planet not completely isolated. But rather joined with another - both sensitive to the needs of each which become the needs of both. Both share in the joy of the other which becomes the joy of both- both bare the inevitable sorrows of life. A transcendent relationship that seeks the preservation of the union over the individual. Saying I am responsible for my happiness and my spouse is responsible for his is a relationship built upon separation. Two co-existing apart- lonely for the true joy only intimacy can fulfill.
This is a powerful message! I really needed this at this time while I'm having a really difficult time with my husband & my 2 young adult children.
Thank you Sharon! This video was helpful for me. Most of my life I have found myself trying to live in everyone else's happiness including my husband and not my own.
I understand, and agree with, everything you said here. I am responsible for my own happiness, and have been working on being the best me I can be. I love everything about my husband (and express that often), with one exception: his two-year affair with another woman. We are a few months into recovery, and I want him to be more open and transparent with me, including sharing his phone and e-mail passwords, so I can verify he is no longer in contact with her. Each time I ask him to provide me access, he brushes off the question. How do we address a spouse who simply will not provide the one thing that (IMHO) is important to every relationship?
Thank you for this very practical advice. This idea of letting those around you off the hook for making you feel better has really been transformational to me and to my marriage. My husband has said he’s noticed a big change in me. My focus has become to just love and support him, not expecting him to fill in my needs and make me feel happy. This has also really simplified and made conflict resolution for us a lot easier and less painful because we’re not expecting each other heal our brokenness while the other one is broken, too. There’s another video I watched of yours a few months back about lowering your expectations for your spouse and only focusing on loving them, not trying to get something from them, but I can’t seem to find it. You also mention in it having other friendships in your life that you can turn to for support and encouragement so that your spouse doesn’t become drained from trying to fulfill every important role in your life. Do you know which video that would be? Thank you again.
If I need something from my husband I do ask for it, but he gets so defensive with me! He tells me I'm too controlling. I'm so confused
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience. I need to apply this to myself and Life. Amazing challenge.
Thank you for this. It answers alot of my questions.
excellent video, a lot of gold nuggets of wisdom!
What if you find your always the one making the effort in friendships? The one making contact and suggesting meetups?
I used to have friends like that - they really aren't friends, but keep in mind they aren't enemies either. They are obviously comfortable in a certain zone and as long as they aren't in a committed relationship with you - accept it, allow the space and either they will stay in touch, or they won't.
My wife lives behind her safety walls and refuses to allow herself to fully commit to our relationship. Sexless marriage for 15 years, hasn't kissed our touched me in 8 - she expects fidelity, monogamy and me to accept forced celibacy and be happy like this. She simply refuses to discuss with medical professionals about the deadness. recently told me she "never liked sex - never in her life" - which lead to me wanting an explanation because if she knew this prior to our relationship ("never" being the key word used) - and she wonders why I am confused and feel that I have been deceived into marriage and adopting 4 children with someone who KNEW she was going to withdraw and take away physical affection and sex. It's always the unattainable - undefined condition that will make the distance go away, crazy making. every time I ask for affection and sex, she accuses me of being needy, or being a narcissist. Puts me on the defensive and removes the responsibility of her addressing that particular elephant in the room.