YOU ARE NOT STUCK (Solutions for difficult elderly parents)
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- Опубліковано 20 сер 2024
- If you're caring for a parent or family member, then you know the problems that family caregivers face! You may have difficult elderly parents, or a mother who is never happy. You might be dealing with difficult dementia behaviors or have someone who is fully dependent on you for care. No matter your situation, I'm sure there are problems, since they seem to go with the territory of caregiving! But you don't need to look in a hundred places for solutions for difficult elderly parent problems, because there are only 3 solutions to any caregiver problem. Yes, only 3 ways to deal with any aging parent problem that you might have!
In this video I'll discuss how to simplify the problems that you're having with your parent and caregiving role so that you can clarify the direction that you need to go in order to solve the problem.
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Simplify things....there are only 3 solutions to every one of the problems that you face as a caregiver!
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Taking care of 1 year old, 4 year old, elder grandparent in law, husband, house chores, meals, garden, there is so so much. I am scared that I won’t have enough to give.
Delegate to others. Spend money palm cleaner and do batch cooking or food from outside to reduce load
You wont
While I was cleaning her bathroom, she went to mine to use the toilet, making another mess. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. Thought I was doing a good thing and the problem has doubled. Siblings live too far away so responsibility falls to me.
Phillip, I'm sorry, I know it's so hard sometimes. Having the responsibility fall on your doesn't always mean that you have to do the hands-on care all alone. Sometimes it's just too much for one person. Sometimes, responsibility means making sure the care gets done, but not necessarily by you. She wouldn't want you to be emotionally overwhelmed. There is ALWAYS an alternative, you just have to be willing to look for it and say YES. Wishing you both well.
Sofia, this resonated with me and I have now printed those words to post on a bulletin board and to keep in my wallet for frequent reference. You helped me today.
Love that!
I’m in the thick of things with my 94 y/o mom. She’s gone from the hospital to rehab. Next step is assisted living. Trying to find an affordable facility is a huge task. Can you do a video for caregivers on how to simplify the process and what questions to ask? One another note- I find your videos so helpful. Keep up the great work!
@Lezlie Maret Thanks so much! I think if you look at my playlist called “out of home care”, you’ll find a few helpful videos. Good luck with your mom!
What if your parent refuses every possible suggestion? “I’m not ready” she says to EVERYTHING.
I need help my uncle suffered a stroke and I moved in with my two kids to help him but why do I feel like a slave? He can slowly get around but when he sees me automatically he tells me he wants this or needs that... I do it for him but he still ask for more thats not important I feel he just wants to control me and gets satisfaction in doing so while his adult son sits around and only worries about his dog... I'm stuck and very stressed. I agreed to help him out but at the same time my energy is being drained. Especially I don't get paid to help just living rent and utilities free... But helping him ughh
My mom thinks it’s our responsibility to be there for her 24/7 I work from home and she thinks I don’t do anything
It’s so great, isn’t it, when a parent treats you like you don’t have anything important to do. I bet you get the old, “I worked so hard for you & you don’t even have a real job.” I often get to hear that PLUS, “You don’t *really* not have money. I’ll just ‘borrow’ it and ‘pay you back’.”
It feels like anything I do to get ahead of the asks (which I know are inevitably coming) are crapped all over and its never enough or good enough for mom’s high standards. Except by the way, she’s never been willing to do ANY of the things she demands happen for her. It’s pretty amazing. Stay strong!
I am in the same exact situation
I am in same
Dealing with the same
@@DylanMaddsounds narcissistic
Thank you for sharing it’s nice to know care givers are not alone and when things get overwhelming there is support 😊
Hey Peggy, you’re never alone!!
I had to give up and accept it😢 I am 75yr old and Thx God I understood Dementia 😢
Here’s my caregiving problem.
My mother sees herself as young and vibrant, when she’s not. She’s 73 and wants to move near me. She is looking to buy a small home. She doesn’t rule out having stairs in her new home as she thinks they will not be a problem. They will be a problem as she has a hard time walking. She also is single and will not give anyone power of attorney, she won’t fill out medical directives or give me and husband any trust with her checkbook or finances. I don’t know where this paranoia comes from. My husband and I have never taken anything from her nor have we ever asked her for anything. If she ever becomes incapacitated our hands will be tied and we won’t be able to help her properly. She is under the impression that nothing will ever happen to her.
If she's only 73 and in good mental health, why should she give you POA? As a lawyer, this sounds very suspicious to me.
@@Ra-rg1vk
Well, because she has no spouse and she’s not in great physical health. If something happens to her…..and someday it will as something will eventually happen to all of us…. How can we help her?????????? If, God forbid, she ends up mentally incapacitated how can I pay her bills, keep her electric on, keep her home going?????
I’m just a concerned daughter….watching a mother all by herself and concerned. You can’t wait until you’re mentally incapacitated to obtain POA. It must be done when you’re still of sound mind. I’m looking into the future
@@nealiecruz2532You want to pay her bills and keep her home going and that's why you want control over her finances? Have you heard of something called a debit card? You can pay her bills online throught her debit card. You don't need a POA for that
Narcissist Boomer Mother
My Mom insists on staying in her home 100 miles away. Mom is unable to pay bills (she cries how difficult simple tasks are). Mom refuses to try to do anything for herself, My siblings live out of state. I work and have children to raise. Mom is starting to have memory loss. I can’t get Mom to agree. Leave it might be my best option.
Same! Except I have an untreated mentally ill brother living with her who tears up her house. I’m trying to get help for them both. I have no clue where to turn.
I'm already 44 male and got no kids but was raised by my grandparents. It's so hard for me coz I wish I could have my own family but I have a rude family who goes into defense mode when I say I need help and that it's also their responsibility. I can't get a real girlfriend if I have to be at home before 10 pm every night and cannot sleep over anywhere or spend a weekend anywhere. Grandma is Soooo stubborn and doesnt wanna spend a weekend anywhere else than in her old home in this violent and noisy neighbourhood of which she complains of that it's noisy. I wanna live in a damn forest where it's peaceful and quiet but I'm stuck in the prison of a neighborhood because the 92 year old doesn't wanna go anywhere and goes into suicide mode if you mention getting someone like a carer to take care of her. I'm very depressed 😢
You have a great channel and such a nice voice.
Thanks for that feedback!!! I appreciate it so much!
Hi Sofia, I think I need your advice- it's about my dad whom I live with and somewhat care for with my younger sister since my mom died a few years ago. He has a gf who is 10 years his senior so she is only around 80 but acts 100 or older and my dad has been acting older too since he met her. She is an incredibly difficult and negative person and I think makes him feel old or wants him to be old like her. Dad started saying things old people say whenever he doesn't get his way- like "you'll think differently after I'm dead," and "I won't be around forever," and tells morbid or bad jokes to us and even strangers. He doesn't really like to go out and do anything too far from the house. He spends all his time arguing with his gf or solving her never ending string of problems over the phone or at her house when he visits (one of the few times he goes out) and argues with her almost every day, which puts him in a foul mood and he takes it out on us verbally. He is a control freak. He expects me to serve him like my late mother used to- he was a doctor and she was a house wife, so she would cook and clean and even pick out his clothes. He is slighted and throws a hissy fit when I don't jump up and ask how I can help him He says an infant doesn't need to ask for help "not that I'm an infant, it's just an analogy" when I tell him he needs to ask me verbally for something because I'm not a mind reader, but he insists I should ask him if I can help rather than him ask me for help when he wants it. Now when I'm at the office and come home after a long day he tells me to cook/buy dinner and serve/clean up after him. Getting him to do anything for me like helping with dishes is a challenge, and I always have to act like he is doing me a huge favor. He has this "King of the Castle" mentality. Other than his personality, he has his own health/physical problems. He told me he is having trouble sleeping but won't talk to me about why. I suspect it's money troubles as we have another very expensive summer house we barely use and he is terrible with money, but he won't let me help set up a payment plan because it is too stressful to deal with. He won't tell me what needs to be paid or let me hire a financial planner, talk to his accountant, or take him to talk to his lawyer. Everything is too stressful to talk about for him and he only wants to talk about stuff like dinosaurs or WW2 or anything that has nothing to do with his own life. He also drinks scotch every day and I don't know how to get him to cut back. I think he drinks to manage stress and he starts in the morning or afternoon. Sometimes he gets drunk when he argues with his gf. Physically he is strong since he was a gymnast in his youth, but he hurt his leg a few years back, but won't let me take him to the doctor even though it's starting to hurt his back and he can't stand for long periods anymore and won't consider surgery since he would need to recover for a few months (like, so what if it fixes his leg?), he never goes to the dentist/doesn't brush his teeth and won't let me get him dental insurance so G*D knows what his teeth look like, he is developing hearing problems and I need to repeat things several times, and he won't go see a therapist or other professional about his troubles. I convinced him to come to the gym down the street with me since he is getting a belly, but he will only work on his arms with weights- still a little bit of progress there. He tells me he is having trouble sleeping but won't tell me why- saying even to discuss it would stress him out. Everything seems to be too stressful to talk about- its always later later later. He has gotten much worse since he has retired, and I've tried to get him to find a new job, maybe trading or teaching which he is interested in, keep up with hobbies, and get a new more positive gf who makes him happy/not miserable, but there hasn't been much progress. The gf has said terrible things to him and broken up with his several times but always calls him 3-4 days later and he keeps taking her back which is terrible. I think because he feels sorry for her because of all her problems, or there is something he genuinely likes about her, though I have no idea what because I think she's toxic. Most of the day he spends downstairs in the basement watching youtube or the news, seemingly avoiding his daughters, and taking long naps as soon as we get home from work. If we see him, it's past 10 o'clock at night and that's when he hollers for me to make him dinner. I feel like a maid. My dad is also a slob. He messes up the whole house by leaving food out, piling up mail in the living room which he doesn't want to read right now but that we can't throw away (like bills) and I'm constantly picking up after him in the communal living spaces. For many years the 3 of us lived in the mess, with too much furniture (all from family member's who didn't want it anymore which of course my dad accepted), dust everywhere, too many knick knacks, nothing matches, and a hole in the ceiling where water would leak through when it rained. We have a pretty big house but all the areas and drawers are full of things he never even uses or looks at. We can never get rid of anything even if it's broken because dad could always fix it later he says- though he really just buys a new one and keeps the old one. The house was embarrassing and we couldn't have friends over or hire anyone to clean/repair, so finally my sister and I cleaned the living room, and I threw away a chair filled with holes which my dad never sits in and replaced it with another similar chair. He flipped out, not speaking to us for a month finally saying he liked the way it looked but felt "bypassed". I don't know what to do. My dad had me later in life so I'm only 30, and I don't have any family I can ask for help. My sister is younger than me and they both have fiery personalities and she has no patience, so she just wants to move out and resents me for trying to keep our family together and work it out. I've lived my life helping my dad, and my sick mother before that but he is sometimes so difficult. I want to create some kind of solution to lower his stress, but he fights me and we can't keep living like this. Any advice you have would be most appreciated :)
Your dad knows your nature and is browbeating you. Threaten to leave and mean it. Re. his negative sourpuss gf, send a muscular friend around to her house n lean on her to break off with your dad
My narc mom is elderly & refuses any outside help. There are no other family its just me . I want to help but she has these rage attacks & takes it out on me . We don't live together but I call to check up on her which is a constant source of stress $ anxiety. Im on disability because of her. I can't just go no contact. I need help & support for myself to survive because everyday I suffer more & more fearing her next rage attack. I hate my lifev& hope I die soon thats how bad it is. Help.
oh can I understand this. I’m in the same vote as you.
Dear friend..hope in the Lord Jesus. Sometimes people have demons that cause them to behave in awful ways. You need to pray for your mom and yourself. Pray to God for deliverance from demonic spirits that may be there. Talk to God..get support of a godly counselor for yourself. And try to look for positive things in your life and practice gratitude.
Pray Scriptures out of the bible..psalm 91 over yourself and mom. Seek God for strength, encouragement, support, right people to come into your life to aid and support you through this. Don't give up hope. You are not meant to do this alone. You have a mighty miracle working and loving God who you can call on. Try it. Strengthen yourself. Try to Cultivate joy in your life. Joy Gives Strength. Joy of the Lord is my strength. Please forgive your mom. And don't do this all alone. Joy can be found in gratitude..I do a gratitude list for every alphabet in the English language. Persistently pray for your situation to improve, for God's healing for you and your mom, for your mom to be calm, to be kind, to be cooperative, for deliverance from unseen demonic spirits that influence people to yell and argue and bring in discouragement and depression you.
Same
@@merinc83 thank you
Only way to get out of a Narc's sights are to get out of their life. Limit your involvement. Have someone else check up on her
My mom & I have conflicting priorities. She wants to stand on her feet every night & cook for us, which takes too long & causes pain in her legs. I want us to go out to eat, which we can afford, & save her the stress. And she gets mad at me for it!
Thanks Sophia ❤
My mother is irrational illogical and complains constantly about everything somewhat narcissistic my father has a bad heart and she won't stop verbally harassing him I'm struggling with all of this they are still in their home I have no help and I have one sibling he's in a group home cuz he's disabled and I'm trying to hold down a 40 hour week job
I think it’s very frustrating, angering and confusing for us as we get very old and decrepit. Our bodies no longer serve us well we can’t be independent our brains don’t work as well as they used to, we’ve become the burden to others that we didn’t want to be. I realized that complaining is often a way for people to process their anger and frustration, depression, and confusion… like a coping mechanism. Is there a way that you can approach the situation so that she feels heard kind of like a child while setting your own boundaries so that you’re not so overwhelmed? And maybe looking at helping her have things to do that will occupy her mind and her hands? While you are around? Maybe she doesn’t feel useful. Possibly Ask her for her help with “xyz” Does she have any kind of social life? - Maybe an important part of this is to not make things your business that are not your business, in order to not become bitter. There are things worthy of worrying about and things that are not. ❤
@@Just.The.Next.Step. So true. When we look beneath their negativity we find their frustration. Old age is a curse
Yes time to accept change ❤
I am at my wit's end with my Dad and it's resulted in the relationship between my wife and I taking a beating. Divorce has even appeared more than once in conversation. My dad specifically, he has limited mobility, constantly complains and accuses me of and my wife of everything, and will not allow us any rights or freedoms. He antagonizes us until he gets what he wants I just can't deal with it anymore and I live in NC which makes caregiving the responsibility of the family and mentally I just can't deal with it anymore. I need a way out of this. I am even considering making him a ward of the state. The situation is seriously that bad and the abuse is just as worse. The only steps we have taken so far is trying to move out of my Dad's house but what to do afterward I am still working on.
Same situation but my husband brought his father with dementia to live with us, I just don’t know how to help anymore, my husband is not working or barely working and he is sick too with an ostomy bag, he needs a surgery and he can’t have it because who is going to take care of his dad, he does not have insurance and I’m the one covering most of the bills in the house, me and my husband argued all the time we don’t spend any good time together anymore. I’m tired of everything and I mentioned getting a divorced multiple times, because I can’t go on with my life and my husband does not considered put him in a home. He argued with his dad all the time and I try to help and I don’t know what to do, this situation is destroying our marriage.
How do I deal with my parents not getting along? They’re 73 & 72 married for 55 years. I have to spend time with my dad one visit and my mom another. I feel like I have to pick one of them. They are fairly healthy and don’t meet the sick, or disabled version of elderly. But I don’t know what to do besides stop visiting, but I don’t want to do that, HELP!!
Thank you great advice 👍 ❤
Thank you Heidi!
Que exámenes nesecita uno para tener la cna yo estoy living in 24 horas x 4 días mi clienta tiene short term memory loss grasias
Toxic behavior, posessiveness, constant shadowing if not physically then through technology, and will in no way accept anybody having anything of their own. And even though it's being strongly pushed to keep us working together, I'm not interested in overseeing overall everyday assistance any longer. Already on top of a process but it'll probably be really ugly first.
My mother thinks I have to be there 24 seven because she’s 87 years old refuses to go to physical therapy in a nursing home and refuses to go to a nursing home when she gave up a home to a reverse mortgage for senior citizens so when she dies I have nothing but bills and yet she wants my undivided attention 24 seven and if I don’t give it to her she threatens and punishes me and verbally abuses me
I am a caregiver for the elderly. My newest client is blind.can't read anymore can't do much of anything? Any. More do you have any suggestions? What I can do to keep him Happy, active And. occupied. Things that he used to enjoy like Reading and sitting on a park bench. Just. People watching he can't do anymore.
Why can't he listen to videos on UA-cam or listen to audiobooks like Amazon audible?
Nobody wants to take care of my grandmother and she doesn't wanna go to them either. 😢
I need to speak to you I’m a carer for my mum I can’t say too much here so when you get this message please
My husband brought his father with dementia to live with us, when he gets really sick he won’t move, we argued all the time because he is death weight and my husband can’t move him himself and I barely can help, my husband can’t work as he used to because of his dad, the arguments are hard and often and i feel like I want to quit this relationship, we can’t do anything together plus the money always falls short because he is not working properly, I am the one covering most of the bills, he does not want to put him in a home and I don’t know what to do 😢
9/50. I have a problem arguing with my 81 year old mother. She doesn’t have dementia she just likes to argue about everything under the sun
She and I have a horrible relationship because of it
Me too ! I’ve started not responding and I’m slowly getting my self respect back. Accept that you wont agree, avoid giving advice, and don’t respond to cranky come backs. You deserve peace.
Help that I can afford to care for elderly parents
88 year old Dad, plus my 63 year old brother who suffered a massive stroke & Aphasia! I need magic all right 🤣
Why do you feel it's your responsibility To care for your brother, would he care for you?
He would!
Yeah that's what you say
My mother is constantly saying she want to die or give me poison. What can I do?
Leave
She never appreciate what ever I do😤
Mine too...
Sigh***
4th.....know they will die soon....hopefully before you do.
Assisted Living NEEDS HELP!!!!
I’m in California my uncles wife is my grandma caregiver but she has never taken care of her she has neglected her it’s an ugly situation when I started seeing the real picture I started doing 100% of the work except the cooking but bathing getting her up putting her to sleep cleaning her room getting her back up and putting her back to bed I’m doing it all and I’m not even getting paid and I’m tired mentally and physically and don’t want to report them for fraud but it’s getting to that point and I don’t know what to do anymore she’s 101 yrs old . I might have to take her to my house and take care of her would IHHS send someone to help out what would happen anyone that has gone through this situation can you please reach out or anyone knows a similar case what happens ????
Call yourself and talk to your family, you will never get if you don't ask.
Great tips. I had to quit my job a year and a half ago to care for my 91 year old mom. I do not know anything about social media in order to grow back our nutritional business so that I can start making money again. Only living with her tiny retirement checks. Also, can medicaid pay me for caring for her?