They are broken inside low self esteem. They are attracted to someone that has kind caring and creative qualities. Then they start to despise you for the same reasons they were attracted to you. Because they know deep inside they are nothing like you and the true vibrations start to come thru. Also immature always trying to be center of attention. Healthy boundary and prayers for them from a distance.
Thank you for the way you have worded this comment. It perfectly describes an abusive romantic relationship I lived with for two years from which I have only recently recovered. I find your words here to be personally uplifting and I am grateful to have read them today.
I pray for them to go to hell if there is a hell or if there is a God. Burn, baby, burn! But seriously speaking, empathy is what got me into this problem so I don't have empathy or sympathy for these people or understanding anymore because that's how I got in this fucking mess in the first place. Grey rock it if you can't go NC
So true! I told him it seemed like he wanted to steal my vibe/energy and when I was at my low, he felt high. When I was at my high, he felt low and came back for the kill. He will never be able to break me! Gone for good now!!
Phoenix Rising yes they are! Seem so sweet and caring, but are the exact opposite! I’m and empath and was used as their garbage dump, but not anymore!!
I’ve seen my ex: make out with his best friends wife, take advantage of a drunk friend of mine, say horrible things about his own mother, steal from work, and assault a cab driver only to leave me in the car while he fled the scene - TWICE. Anyone who meets him however, thinks he’s harmless, if not a little goofy. The most obvious display of duplicity I have ever encountered. Utterly confounding.
I had this done to me and I no longer care what other people think of me. I like, love and respect myself now. This will annoy them to no end. This didn't come easy, it was hard work.
That ‘harmlessness’ is only an act. An act to show the rest of us...An act they can call on in a fight because it gives cover for the next move..That move is to play the victim, so they can get away with the cruelty and calculating steps they take to shame you, ignore you, dismiss you, discard you, gaslight you, agitate you, ( not in that same order), and speak softly as if to say “ who me?....All the patterns are there....It is so clear when the hoovering job and a love bombing job start the cycle again....and then.....they GOTCHA ...and it begins all over ..They’re Quiet for a week or two if you’re lucky...Then out of nowhere they’re ignoring you and dismissing you again...It’s a GREAT BIG cycle of abuse..23 f#@&3king years of it until one day I needed to find out what the meaning of gaslighting was...I don’t even remember why I had to search that word but the proverbial light bulb went on and I discovered what it was I was dealing with..OMG..it makes sense now..He is a passive aggressive covert narcissist and an SOB...I dislike myself for the intense hate I have for him...He has taken my innocence, my generosity, my empathy, and my love and threw it down the toilet..If I never see him another day in my life, I will be happy..but we’re married....I bought this house with my inheritance and he wants half of it in a divorce because he thinks he’s entitled to half because he pays the bills...He has a healthy pension and I have none...He hated his job and retired at 50 because I said he could live with me in Florida and I’ll keep working...Stupid stupid stupid is exactly how I feel...I was soooooo naive and gullible but also so wanting a man to love... I wished for him...I wished to have a life with reciprocal love in it...So stupid was I... This time I’ll learn never to trust another single man as long as I live...There are NO men out there strong enough to be my partner in marriage...I’ve tried two without any luck..
Join the club ladies. I caused the discard after 40 years married, when I heard the term gaslighting. I had become quite distant and non interactive for about six months prior. I guess I was just worn out from trying so hard to make it work. I just thought he was getting more mentally unstable but had no idea about npd. He was so cruel and seemed to really be happy that his infidelity,before the discard, caused me pain.He used have his phone on speaker so I could hear their cosy conversations. I threw him out and told him I hope our paths never cross again. Being a coward, I m sure he read between the lines and will stay in qld away from my home in nsw. What a waste of my life. He even sabotaged my career, killed my dog and caused me to have accidents. All set up deviously and hard to prove. The worst part is no one gets it unless they ve been through it. The rumination and the nightmare are crummy. I guess we were with them for ages and it will take some time. Self love and my faith in Jesus has gotten me through. I am sure the discard saved me an even worse future. They are demons. I am disabled and he left me with no assets at all, except I had secretly been saving for a while and have enough to keep me off the streets.
Canadian Lady Stay true to you You deserve to be happy Focus on filling your own cup and practise keeping strong boundaries No narc will be able to break thru if you don’t let them in✌️❤️
Exactly. I dreaded asking my ex narc to pull through dunking doughnuts in the morning so I could grab a coffee. Sometimes it turned into a full out war. So after a while I just quit asking for that too.
@@shawnadeyo I know it's none of my business, but after I read your comment, I couldn't help wondering why getting coffee from Dunkin Donuts was such a problem. He doesn't drink coffee? Or prefers Starbucks? Doesn't want to wait in line? Doesn't want to drive several miles out of his way? Prefers making coffee at home? Or thinks donuts are too fattening?
@@imdifferent7294 narcissistic people hide in churches, my narc father is a fucking pastor, after church service he becomes a different person and abusive, No more going to church for me.
He took the extremely vulnerable information that I shared with him about not having contact with my father because he is abusive (most likely a narcissist), and used it against me while validating himself by saying that I have "daddy issues". So cruel, twisted, and misogynistic!
Heather Pooler Maddening! The narc bf betrayed a secret that I trusted him with early on, big red flag 🚩 He seemed so sincere, sweet, humble, self deprecating, so convincing. So was Ted Bundy 😠 sweet seduction
@@moonchild66 yeah my wife did that too. Cus my dad is a narc too, she would try to confuse me, indirectly show me that I cant be good to her cause of what i learned from my dad.It was just an attempt to convince me that it was me and not her. She was successful at making me forget about her being a narc twice. The third time I realized, I promised I would never allow her to manipulate me again. Relatively shortly after I escaped our house (after she abused me for saying I needed a week of no contact). Once going NC I could more rationally see I had no other choice but to divorce.
My ex left a note ( a note that looked like he had written it to himself....) on the kitchen counter that said "he doesn't like the way she looks". I asked him if he meant me (of course he did) and that I wanted an explanation. I got it, when I confronted him, and he told me he doesn't like parts of my anatomy. Which just seemed so heartless and cruel I couldn't believe he said it.....He was not overtly abusive for the most part during our relationship, although he didn't talk to me or open up the way partners should..... I don't know if my ex was a narcissist.....but I wonder, if this passive aggressive note could indicate that my ex was too....but a covert/passive aggressive type rather than my Dad's more eruptive angry type narcissism... Then I wonder, what if I am narcissistic? I don't think so, I hope not, but relationship are so difficult...sometimes I just wonder what is wrong with me. I was raised by someone with NPD and then (maybe?) I ended up marrying someone with that same disorder...but who appeared to be harmless.
Betsy D It’s not uncommon, and happens more often than not. I was duped by a clever covert narcissist more than once until I wised up, learned the signs and recognized the pattern. Practise self Care daily, fill your own cup and stick to your boundaries like glue 💪🏼❤️
I remember my ex ALWAYS being overly friendly in public. He would be so completely fake and nice to perfect strangers. I remember thinking, this isn’t really him at all.
Mine would quietly and purposefully never do anything that was important to me. He would also sulk when I had success and get mad if I didn't constantly affirm him.
me too!!!!! Anything I did , he just acted like it was expected of me. If I wanted to do some kind of hobby together, omg, he acted like it was so awful. Even before we started some kind of activity that I wanted to do, he would put a time limit on it. But I went to every football game for him - travelled an hour and a half, walked miles, sat in cramped hot seats (Arizona) and watched the whole game!!!! But I ask him to play scrabble or go on a walk? ha!!!! too much for him.
Soooo..my husband died on CHRISTMAS EVE 2017. Last summer I met a man recently divorced and hes seemed very nice and docile. For the first month he went on and on about his wife for hours, at first he said only good things...then he just whined about how unfair she was and how bad she was and I listened for many hours...One day I was very sad and talked about how I missed my late husband and how hard it is being alone on a homestead without a helpmate...He looked at me MEAN and said "ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SELF INDUCED AND YOU CAUSED THEM, YOU BROUGHT IT ON YOURSELF AND I DON'T FEEL BAD FOR YOU " His divorce was caused by him and infidelity, he told me that during his pity party...so I told him..."YOUR problems are self INDUCED because you had a wonderful loving wife and made a conscious decision to cheat, my husband DIED it was a disease and not a choice and your a self righteous asshole " end of relationship
Melissa Martin wow so glad you were able to ditch that shit so fast ..) I’m on my own almost three years after kicking my narc cheating lying x husband to curb . There is a massive difference between loosing your spouse to deal th as apposed to divorce . And human who wants to equalize those is bat shot crazy . Best of the best to you in your future only .
The silent treatment can be so debilitating. My ex used it as a punishment. I ended up so lonely and devastated. They are so good at these games because of a lack of empathy!
Don't you just love when they call the Narcissistic discard therapeutic no contact, except they have never taken any responsibility to use healthy communication for problem solving?
I feel such a sadness for the silent suffering that victims of NA experience. The trauma is horrible. It's abuse of another's spirit. The silent treatment is used as punishment for no other reason other than bring pain to the recipient.
Silent treatment and triangulation with my children are the most cowardly! But I could name a slew of other cowardly behaviors. And this man struts around like a peacock 🦚 and is community involved, people think he’s a great guy! It’s deeply saddening and frustrating. My poor kids. I wish I’d learned about all this much earlier!!!
most cowardly and evil covert narcissist behaviors: pretending like you don't exist, not looking at you, not smiling at you, blurting out irrelevant or nonsensical things to disorient you, not doing their job properly in order to inconvenience you, not being a quiet person/neighbor, hurting animals or children in order to hurt you, covertly getting others to hurt or annoy you, and all of the above especially when they have some power over you and you can't do anything about it
They go into back and forth between martyr and victim so fluidly that it makes your head spin. They drive you to frustration confusion and change their mind change their plans then say your the crazy one. They make you think they would be happier with a “nice” person. Like a gray rock type person. Lol They really need their mommy. Tantrum pitching 4 year old who would rather throw away the relationship rather than be mature or honest. Need I go on? Feeling sick. 🤮
Wow I just realized my sister is a narc. I know my mother was and father is. The old narc. They have that wierd confused blankish look in there face unless thy are in stocking their pray mode. My father is 90 still at it. Yes I blew it tonight and let my ego tip out and throw daggers - damn I’m a very good shot! All clever and wit! Shit. Oh well.
My daughter was in one relationship after another with NPD men. On 12-2-19 she either killed herself or the his crazed ex wife killed her. I suspect the later. So this is a serious life threatening condition in its effect on others- it needs to be considered a crime to abuse these unsuspecting souls. I am a OB Gyn and I ran an SLAA 12 step program - women’s group. This helps a lot of women- give structure to boundaries and bottom line behaviors. Helps them stop the stalking, the addiction to intrigue, self deprecating and humiliating demeaning behavior. I only lost one that year. The bottom line is that all we have as women is our dignity. Do not ever let them take away that. Your DIGNITY is supreme.
“Rather throw away the relationship than be mature or honest” this is so accurate it’s hurt😂 It’s a wonder how they ALWAYS make the wrong decisions and so fucked up yet look so normal to the outsider.
dann hienn So true! Narc bf would even triangulate me with his cat 🙄 They pull the strings of others to get what they want, master manipulators. Abuse by proxy, when they can no longer control you then they control how others see you. It’s a brutal backstabbing betrayal that burns deep.
This is my Sister In Law to a T!!! Fake, Phony, Coward n Controlling freaks!! Unbelievable n Childlike n never grow up. Poor eye contact, sarcastic n full of insecurity n shame n blame Uses people to abuse people
Family scapegoat speaking here. I'm 47 and have had decades to think about this one . Even though I look moved 3500 miles away from my parents, who I thought I had a normal ENOUGH relationship with, looking back at the last 20 or 19 years literally since I moved from my native DC area to Phoenix, I see that my siblings they all play the game of pretend to be friend and then mob on Matt. And they're the ones who reached out, not me. I just had no idea what I was going to be facing. It was all a set up. My siblings are all kiss UPS to my narcissistic parents. And I was a fly on the wall for how this parents talked about them too. But since they have shown that they're on Team Narcissist instead of Team Matt, they're on their own. Ironically, they're kissing ass for an inheritance when they all own houses and I don't. My folks already years old. I guess they raised some good narcissist and flying monkeys. I don't contact them anymore because I got sick of being the one who always had to make the call once or twice or Thrice a year. Now I get why they are the way they are come. I'm not talking about the older ones who are 8 and 10 years old older. But even my younger brother by 3 years. Did he really have to deny my feelings to my parents ripped off my money as SSI payees? ( when I fired them my mom went from seeing it was a thankless job to acting offended that U fired her... You can't pleaee these people! the game is rigged against you, brother and sister.... and I replicated the narcissistically abusive patterns with someone I dated the last years but decided that an occasional date with this ex-girlfriend just was not worth my time anymore and told her to hit the road for good recently)
@@AZDC99 Good for you. Trust me. They don't change. Get a lawyer. You are most likely entitled to something and contest a shitty unfair will if there is a generous amount involved. Keep away from them. Give them a burner number. These types become more abusive and pit siblings and friends against each other. Focus on your dreams interest and health.
Definitely lying by omission. When caught she claimed she never said anything to mislead me. When pressed, she became hostile and said I was crazy. All very confusing at the time, but makes perfect sense now. Thanks for making this easy to understand.
My sister is a nurse ratchett type and passive agressive and toxic family. she seems like little miss wonderful but one person in famiy who is not fool and who suffer her insult and abuse was me. and i escape to become a person a larger person than them.. my family and was shot in head and taken down by cohort of all who have her same personality. one of them an abusive person who actully ned others to help and would put his nose to wind an dseek out people like him to abuse me. when he get fearful and need to abuse me . hes very sick in head and kick a puppy and threaten to kill me. he als has personality changes and a enabling women in his life.. he is covert. and i was not fool. and lies on people to make them the problem. My sister might set up the attack on me to kill me and render me disabled and get wish of family to take me back and fuck me up. i ahd a perfect story ending and a life. and did not need her no more. i was not weak or was not fool. so somene hit me and death punch me and it lead to my death while she sat like " scar on lion king" listen to me die and cover up.. she sat and biate dme while i ws disabled by this and she sat saying? your firends let you down. as in she was waiting for me to fall. and your family will help you. they almost killed me... and now were getting the job done. let me help you get a dr. and sat and listen to me bleed to death. and refused wheni handed her th edr name to move . five years.. gone by and she thinkns shes jackson pollock soul mate. but the person woh was the artist and worked for famosu people and was a star was me. was barin damage so i cant make art or thrive again. they got a man to help them to ger her slelf into my place of life. my cousin came after my jobs also a narc... and sister said my cries of murder were all about me being jelous of her.. death and gang stalking torture and my life end up to suffer tragic end..
Lying by omission is what broke the camel’s back. My ex bff is a narcissist. Lied about not knowing about an event that had been planned months in advance bc she decided to get cosmetic surgery at the last min and overlapped with what we had planned. Confronted her about it and she lied, gaslit me, and blame shifted. Cut her off and we’re no longer friends
Your videos have made me realised this new girlfriend of mine is definitely a covert narcissist, and I'm already feeling the subtle abuse and see all the red flags. Your channel has been eye opening and I have made up my mind to dump her fast. Thank you
Yeah bro get out now I saw the signs but ignored them almost a year later and she's dating her husband's cousin the husband and her are separated but still told me she loved me and was in love two days ago but now she's in love with the cousin lmao she's a sad case we weren't even really together but still this is how they work
I grey rick all the time. However I did tell him right in the middle of his speaking to me to “not to speak to me” loudly and with force, turned and walked away. He looked like he was just slapped in the face. Don’t give them the time of day is the best advice I have ever received!
He would convince me how much he wants to go to some place, like a museum, with me. Then, as we'd decide to go and step out of the door, he would start to show Public Display of Contempt, walking far ahead of me (as if trying to avoid me), then a few minutes later, with a cold frowny face, he would silently turn around and literally walk away, saying NOTHING at all, as if I din't even exist. Then, I would end up going to the museum alone, trying hard to enjoy, but still feeling too sad, ruminating over what had happened, questioning myself.......Later, when I would ask him why he disappeared on me, and why he silently demonstrated disgust and contempt with his body language towards me, hurting me in the process, he'd totally gaslighted back, saying "You are the one who left me, so I had to go home. So stop complaining and being so negative", which would leave me not only hurt, but confused and even guilty.
Yes, familiar. Walking ahead, sitting apart, hurt face. The world doesn't understand him. Constant frustration about something but you never know what.
My husband drove down the most treacherous bumpy road while I was eight months pregnant... I was practically in tears... needless to say I’m happy he has a new supply... lucky girl!!!
Omg thats terrible. Mine was the same. Take the left lane weaving in and out if traffic. Im pregnate..3 small kids in the backseat. If I reacted he woukd say "you wanna fight?" Sick.
CRIMES OF OMISSION!!!! Oh my gosh, so, so true! "I told you, guess you don't remember" ..or like when they spend SO much time talking about how they hate XYZ and to learn that's exactly what they've done or do.
I had my hearing tested because I couldn’t figure out why she was saying she had said something and I never heard it. I thought it was because we moved to a bigger house and she was starting conversations without seeing if I was within earshot.
I had no clue how to properly define my mother until recently. Growing up with a Narcissistic Mother was horrible. Once I got older, it wasn’t any easier to be around her. She always made it seem like I was her issue and trying to reason with her was a complete joke. When I finally decided enough was enough and stood up to her by letting her know I was not her problem and she was going to stop making me out to be, I could tell she was robbed of her power because she went straight for disconnecting instead of working it out through counseling as I suggested. Since then, she has managed to make my family feel as if I have an issue with them and now they don’t speak either. The list goes on but I will say I am sad I have no relationship or contact with her but my life is so much more positive. I had no idea just HOW ABUSIVE she was until I learned this. Thank you
Mine too! She was horrible. Allowed me to be abused by her overt narcissists ex-husband in my early childhood. Then when I got older, I found out she has over 15 credit cards in my name after I had graduated college. She had been racking debt in my name for almost decade! When I found out, I reported everything and shut it down! Boy...did that hurt her when I wasnt phased by her cussing me out before I snatched my identity back. She showed her true colors in plain daylight! Now, she gets others to reach out to me & I don't give them the time of day. She also tried to call into my job making false accusations about me to get me fired. It didn't work because I am in excellent standing 😁. She will probably fake like she is sick soon, knowing I was the only one that would come running to help her. Nomore! Super empath I am, and proud of it! Now, we have no contact and I am finally healing! I overcame a overt & covert narcissists. Praise to the most high👏👏
Christina. Again a very clear video in which the things I have experienced during my relationship with an covert narcissist are well described. They are indeed oh so charming, friendly, well-groomed people in the beginning when you meet them. But behind that visible form lies an emotionless, fearful, frustrated, angry and damaged person. A traumatic child in an adult body who has never taken the step to adulthood. I recognize your story. To keep my covert narcissistic ex partner away from me, I have done a number of things. When I discovered her true face and behavior, I exposed her. We are still working for the same employer. It is not nice that I did that in front of others, but that is how I sent a signal. I was glad that I received support from many of her and my colleagues afterwards, because what most of them had already experienced was confirmed. Again, it does not deserve a prize, but she knew that she could no longer go to others to play the victim. Other thing that I did, handle matters as quickly as possible in order to close the relationship in this way. You can never really close with an introvert narcissist. They don't give you that pleasure. No contact is indeed the best. Do not expect that you will ever be in a positive light with this type of person again. I have experienced and felt it. I have seen my ex three more times at work in the 15 months that we parted. You not only see the anger and even hatred of the other person, I also got a kind of stifling feeling every time. And focus on yourself. In the first months after the relationship ended, I was so angry and focused on my ex, it cost me so much energy. Afterwards I concluded, that is only wasted energy. Now I focus on myself and put my energy into things and people who do matter. Success everyone, in the end it will be fine.
Thank you for sharing ur story, hearing others talk of their triumph of breaking loose from their narcissistic partner gives me reassurance and courage that it can be done and perhaps i too can also be happy and no longer just exist, but actually live once again too😥 Best wishes to u and happiness. 💜
Thank you for this informative video! I learned from a lawyer after separating from my ex-husband that he was a narcissist, never realizing this while in the marriage. So much control over me for so many years. Since realizing he is a covert narcissist and learning about how he thinks, I learnt to respond and not react. I've taken back my power and I control my life and own me! The greatest gift I gave to myself, my life!
You just described by husband and my in laws. The backhanded compliments are their favorite. If you call out the “compliment” your being too sensitive and can’t take a joke. They all stick together when this happens, like a little cult.
One has to be careful not to be projecting their own positive qualities onto the covert NPD person as this makes it more difficult to be discerning. Also helps not to be naive about the range of qualities and capabilities possible in humans in general. Thank you for your work and videos. Very helpful.
That was the biggest mistake I made in my late teens-I realize now that I assigned my empathy and love and good qualities to a covert narcissist who looked and acted like Prince Charming on the outside but who had a soul void on the inside. I had absolutely no idea people could be empty or could gaslight like that.
@@TheRonaldbaxter 'My sociability and general happiness' was what attracted my CN to me. He loved my positive attitude, even if I "lacked common sense" (his back-handed compliments began early on.) As the relationship went into marriage, he isolated us from family and friends. He only wore underwear in the house. I mention this as it was his excuse for isolation. We had to keep the blinds closed always and never invite anyone over. It would be a HUGE inconvenience to the CN if he had to actually put on clothing. Heaven forbid! He would make snarky remarks if I asked to go meet a girlfriend for lunch (honest report here, I met friends less than five times in the past 7 years.) I stopped asking because he was so difficult about it. I work from home and then COVID happened, so my isolation was very nearly complete. Last year, he said to me (remember - me, the positive, gregarious one,) he said, "You are shallow. You can't even keep one friend." *sigh* And this is just one small aspect of life with a CN. He passed away in the hospital ICU from COVID last month. I came home and opened all the blinds. ❤
I love your wolf in sheep’s clothing analysis! Now I see how comparing them to a wolf is actually a compliment! Yes they are cowards and definitely do not possess“pack” mentality! Thank you!
I can relate to a lot of these points. For me when we would have an argument he would just talk over me and tune me out and make me feel like what I have to say doesn't matter and tried to tell me that's normal to talk over people. Constantly accuses me of checking other people out and flirting, says hurtful things, makes hurtful jokes and then plays the victim. Also tries to teach me things because he's much smarter than me. And the passive-agressiveness is just insane.
OH, that was a signature move of his, these sad sob stories behind my back to other people about how "awful" and "mean" I am to him.. when in private we were having what seemed like heartfelt connection and support conversations. I was just a tool for him to get supply from other people in the form of pity, his favorite tactic.
He'd eventually forget which conversations went with which group though and things would blurt out in our conversations like I knew about it when it was the first I'd heard, and yet it was obviously rehearsed by them over and over and entrenched.
I appreciate your videos so much Christina.... I literally broke up with one of these despicable fake humans on Christmas Day, because I had given up spending Christmas with my family so I could spend Christmas with him since it's a new relationship of 2 months.. and he has no family because he's pushed them all away.. but anyhow he all day was using passive aggressive, gaslighting, triangulating tactics and I finally plain and simple had enough! So for 6 days now I have perseverated and continuously obsessed over what I was going to text him regarding his behavior.. and how it's really ruining his life and hurting him more than others, etc etc etc.. but the thing is.. I realized today after watching one of your videos that they would actually be no point in it. These people cannot take accountability and will not take accountability and that's just totally on them. If they mess their lives up what is that to me? As long as I'm not a part of it.. it may make me sad for him but trying to push it in his face would become counter-productive for me and is probably somewhat ego driven on my part.. you know to prove to him who he is.. when he doesn't want to know who he is or doesn't want to face it.. so thank you! Thank you so much for being a champion for empaths and others who have to come into contact with these ridiculously evil people who's only intent is to hurt others.... feeling like that will bring them out on top.. I will not waste another ounce of my energy worrying about his dysfunction.
I have loads of examples! If we needed to get somewhere on time Ex would drive super slow, like 15mph, just so I would get stressed about missing an appointment. If I complained he would pretend he was just being cautious and did I want him to be reckless. I eventually worked out if I didn't react it took away his power. Another was refusing to make calls to move house projects ahead. He knew that my home was important to me. Another was adjusting the heating so I would be cold.
UKNPDSurvivor my X of 28yrs would rhythmically flex his foot on the gas when we were driving pretty much anywhere . We would be on long trips to gymnastics competitions for our daughter and both our daughter and I would ask him to stop because it made us both feel nauseous . He would say he wasn’t doing anything and continue to do it . He only started doing that once we moved from Canada ( away from my family ) to Florida ( near his Mum and step Dad ) . Weird right . I only realize now what that was . I knew he wanted to irritate us and get us wound up befor the competitions so we would go into the venue already triggered and uncomfortable .
@@maddycanfly7217 always trying to set us up for failure. Stealing goodness and joy and everything in between, destroying goals and outcomes, including life
Thank you so much for this! Today I reacted to a passive-aggressive comment from a narcissistic co-worker in a way that made me feel ashamed of myself. Luckily I found your video. You made me realize that it was because of my ego. And you helped me to forgive myself. Now I'm going on to watch the Emotional Guidance System series. :)
Your videos are helping me soooooo much. Thank you for being so gentle . I have recently left mine and literally have been brought to my knees emotionally. Slow process of healing
👀 All of the examples mentioned wrapped in ONE individual I’ve experienced (including but not limited to) annnnnd I’m good hah I’ll be more forth coming on other videos I’m sure. Just glad to make it out alive with all that 4 years ago.. Thank you for the video! Life saving (literally) 😇 🤗 😃 !!
Great video, thank you! Some covert tricks that I experienced: - I was talking with a 'friend' about my narc mother, and 'friend' said I'm overreacting. - Almost every time I said anything to one of my narc sisters, she would say "but maybe it's not what you think" (no matter what the topic was, even if it was about groceries). - Colleague keeps asking me the same dumb question, trying to anger me (and failing!).
After we broke up he systematically went around our mutual friends and told them a version of why we broke up that painted him in a glowing light, completely neglecting to mention the other woman. It undermined my relationship with several people
Thanks Phoenix, for sharing. Life is a journey and we learn from our mistakes! Sometimes I fall into despair and think I’ll never get out of the destructive patterns I learned were “ normal “ as a kid. Other times I have glimpses of life where relationships are mutually respectful, uplifting, satisfying and loving. But then I don’t know how to access them... I am learning how to self-care. Thanks for your encouragement 😊
OMG - you dont know how many times he said to me "I thought I told you" - millions!!!!!!!!!! Or, when caught in a lie he would say, 'well I couldn't tell you because I know what your reaction would be"
I was in a relationship with a covert narc for 4 years. This man made me feel like I had an intense powerful soulmate connection with him. He would say the most beautiful amazing words that made me fall so badly for him - but there were red flags all along the way, his words never aligned with his actions which translated to him having no integrity. But at the same time he would absolutely confuse me - introduce me to his parents, take me for dinners with them. Tell me he would cross oceans to be with me and find me in the next life too and marry me, wanted me to be the mother of his kids, etc etc (good lord in retrospect he would say anything, anything and I'd fall for it because they were such beautiful words). He would gaslight me and make me question my own experience. He got along famously with my friends while at the same time made me distance myself from my parents. I hadn't spoken to my own parents for a year because they absolutely hated him, my mother had a very bad feeling about him. When I went overseas to to my Masters, he refused to break up with me and said he'd never let me go. After 2 years I find out he'd been having sex with this girl for almost the entirety of our relationship (while I was abroad, so 2 years) while introducing her to my best friends back home as his 'good friend'. He had convinced her to keep their relationship a secret for 2 years. That was devastating. But I ignored the red flags too - the constant ghosting and silent treatment, the gaslighting, the lies, sabotaging dates/events that were important to me, ignoring me on my birthdays. I was completely blindsided with the cheating though. He denied the cheating until I showed him hardcore proof. It was terrible and I still go counselling. Thankfully, I have a great support system and in recovery. But I still wake up with so much rage. But my trust had totally been shattered, who do we trust anymore? Especially if you are person who takes pride in being a good judge of character.
I relate to that last part so much (the judge of character part). I do talk about it an older video, but I can't remember exactly which one (maybe one on intuition or recognizing abuse 🤔). Essentially, part of the reason we get duped is because they're also duping themselves, so there's a genuine nature to it. Glad to hear you're away from it now 🙏❤
Your description sounds so much like what I went through down to the waking up with rage about how I was treated and how long I put up with it. Four years for me too with a man with no integrity. All those red flags that I knew were there and I knew were dealbreakers, but I wouldn't let them break the relationship, which gave him ever more confidence that I would continue to enable him. I thought I was giving him a chance to get his shit together and improve his circumstances and character, all the while he was ripping me off and lying to me about his affections so he could continue to use me. And I have all those resulting trust issues, too. We are so lucky to be rid of them. That's the silver lining.
I remember trying to come with words when I didnt know what was going on with the Covert, and COWARD would come up....and im like that is such a weird word to come up with but it just is so accurate, and now this video this word is at the center of this type of person, so ya it is not a coincidence --so bizarre
Thank you for this video. Ten years ago I became engaged with a situation where when I was being character assassinated I did not think it was a big deal because I knew I was innocent and the things being said were lies. I thought people would see through the lies. People believed the lies to the point of me losing every person...family, relative, friend, neighbor, community, church, etc.... in my life even ten years later. I was left utterly isolated and then entrapped because of health challenges. I understand technically in most cases it is best not to defend ourselves from liars. I would love to hear if anyone else has literally lost every person, their home, destiny, possessions, down to zero plus being surgically harmed, and if they had it to do over again, would they have defended themselves against the liar??? I know if I had it to do again I would have gone after the liar the moment I realized what was happening. I suppose there are different levels of outcome when someone lies...but sometimes the outcome is so bad I wonder if addressing and calling out the liar is the best choice. I was literally GLOBALLY character assassinated so severely that not one person approaches me normally anymore. This extends to pharmacists, doctors, dentists, etc.
So sorry you had to go through this. A lot depends on specific circumstances, but overall, 'going after the liar' overtly is like wrestling with a pig (you never win, you just get dirty). Unless you have proof and a legal case, then for sure sue them.
The same thing happened to me. The narc was my godmother and it happened during my Mom's death bed. I was not aware of how toxic she was until then. (She is covert) I did not defend myself against the ridiculous stories she was telling behind my back as I also assumed everyone who knows me would understand that I could not possibly have done what I am being accused of and after 6 months I realised that no one from my family is contacting me. It hurt like hell!!! But time showed her up for what she was and they all returned and had contact with me again. You see, as much as what you can tell people until you are blue in the face that you are innocent, when they find it out for themselves it hits home properly. So you did the right thing. The fact that no one has returned to you just means they were never your true friends or family anyway.
Your advice is fantastic Christina. Because of videos like this we know so much more about covert narcissists than even they do. Most probably don’t even know they have an issue? Mine is confident and respected in the office. I noticed her being odd and evasive at a social event and jokingly accused her of being socially awkward expecting to be told to F off etc. Instead nothing, then weeks of silence and face of thunder. I realised I had touched a very raw nerve and all the other pieces I had been trying to understand fell into place.
The way you describe the narcissist is so spot on, like you got it nailed down! You just described the essence of the years of abuse I went through, and that’s so freeing and validating since it’s been hard for me to put into words and it’s been undermined and misunderstood by so many. Thank you for this Chanel! I pray you reach more people and create more awareness! This world needs to know, I want to see someday narcissists be able to be called out and then victims have support to be protected.
Thank you for this video. My wife and I have a long history together but all of this makes sense to me. What makes it even worse is I was diagnosed with Ms in 2015. Sometimes I just feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind 😬🤘🏻
His crime of omission was never mentioning in 4 months the fact that he is married! Told me all about everything else except the wife. So I walked away and left him wondering why. I'm fine with being single and not sure where he was heading with this but I think he should've been directing his attentions to the woman he committed to
As the wife of a covert narcissist who's husband was love bombing his work colleague, I agree! Unfortunately the (younger) woman he tricked, fell for it. He broke up her marriage, I am sure of it. Now she can have all the silent treatments, emotional abuse, gaslighting, projection and feeling inadequate that she wants. Generally they are the one's that tell you how terrible their wives are, how they are basically singe, and how their wife doesn't understand them like "you" do. They are abusers to all who care about them.
Wondering if this guy was my husband? LOL 😂. Actually, there’s nothing funny about it. @Vicki Pollard - YUP, They’re the ones running down their wives or husbands and being “misunderstood” about their needs, feelings, magical thinking, etc...You can never do enough for them. Read a quote I loved on another Narc video. “Cheating on someone is like dropping a diamond 💎 to pick up a stone.”
Get your self up and get back on that grey rock!!!!!!!! Wow so practical and real and it has happened to me, thank you so very very much for your wonderful insight!!!!!!
I'm not sure if this makes me narcissistic but when I feel or strongly believe that someone's taking advantage of me, manipulating or lying to me, or cheating on me but I don't have any evidence but they're obviously being shady I become very passive aggressive...
It makes me physically ill that so many "family" and "friends" respond with "what HIM no WAY" and "I think he's really nice" and rant along about how "ungrateful you are" for not accepting the "loving person who THEY know would never hurt a fly". It sickens me when people ask "why would he do that" or "what did he say that for" implying YOU clearly did SOMETHING to "piss him off and deserve it" because the pathetic manipulation the narc exerts with his fake crying and pathological lies have them just as duped as he used to have US. Anyone reading this that Hasn't actually been in a relationship with a narccissist has absolutely no right to an opinion on "what a victim of narccissistic abuse SHOULD be doing" to get away or recover from the abuse. Period.
Thank you so much for these videos. I’ve been using these techniques for the last two weeks with a covert narcissist who is my supervisor and so far so good. I honestly can’t believe how much control he had over me for years and how confused I had always been. These videos have helped me so much, again thank you. Staying strong 💪
Having Spent 28 yrs with a passive aggressive husband , I wish I had known how to access this kind of information earlier on . To have been able to “ google “ passive aggressive ,liar ,cheater , would have been so helpful for it would have popped up covert narc . Long story short his mother is a covert narc . And I worry about our daughter having signs . Thanks for bringing coverts into the light in your videos
Thanks for the great information. I actually was able to watch this entire video. The one I tried yesterday was too much for me at least all at once. Thanks I'm sure everyone who's gone through anything like this really appreciates all the work and effort in educate us as much as I do. Please stay Safe, Blessed and Awesome Always, Phil G Bergeron 🙃
Lol "just pick yourself up and put yourself back on that Grey rock" Yes, I relate, I have snapped back at the narcissist and felt like crap after for losing my cool lol
Great explanation. The most cowardly thing that I have seen from a covert narcissist is when they said something very bad about another friends Girlfriend and when confronted a few days later stated that he don't remember saying it. This is despite the fact that everyone in the room heard him say it..
There is an area you don’t get to that also happens with a narcissist. I call it “testing”. This is when a selfish man dates women like a wolf in humble clothing, but on about date #3 he begins to make crude statements about women he’s attracted to at work, or beliefs he has about love that are not kind for a woman to hear, such as, “Love is just lust”. Both times, I felt somehow dragged down into his cynicism , but said only what I believed , which he made immediate mockery of. He was testing me to see how low he could get my values to go. Long story short, I fell for his other efforts at charm, and saw him only in a beneficial light, which was love blindness. He dumped me when he saw a more impressive body. Mine was just fine BTW. He said he had no time for a relationship, wasn’t “ready”, etc. etc. I was completely amazed by his bold insensitivity, and told him that I didn’t dare people who always come first. Ever after that, he turned my friends ....a very close large family I had known for years.....into his satellites and minions to gust over his huge ego and buffoonish humor. I was truly heart broken, losing my friends in the process of putting distance between him and myself. After all, he was so “ nice” on the outside. A few people in the group saw what he was doing, and later admitted they weren’t really a fan of his. But, they did not defend me when he attacked me verbally TWICE at much later parties.......at which I ignored him, and therefore had to be punished. To this day, he visit their house and puts photos of himself in the middle of this family of women on Facebook, like a final word on his power over things. I personally think he’s sick. He has never had a real relationship with a loving woman. I’ve been married for 30 years and have raised a boy with autism. It took me DECADES to fully see him as a narcissist because I was unaware of the diagnosis. Finally a very good therapist put me straight and even complimented my standing up for myself. But, I lost my best friend x 10 years, until I finally decided to forgive and forget. We never discuss him. I lost her sister completely as an intimate friend. That’s a hard lesson to take......what a narc can do to you. I refused a party last year and went on vacation instead. I knew what it would be like......another covert verbal sneer when no one was looking. He is like an unrepentant Mr. Darcy.....who never gives up the superiority and fights unfairly to keep it in place. And, it all began when I challenged his cynicism and disagreed politely with his “testing”. This year my best friend’s daughter is getting married, and he might be invited. I will go with my husband and possibly my son. I do not intend to talk or even look at him, he just reminds me of an extremely painful experience in first love. I deserved better. Do you think this is OK? I don’t think I owe him the time of day, actually. And, I want to enjoy the wedding reception. I know he will corral the family into his private set of flying monkeys, but I don’t care anymore. I still know others to talk to, and I love to dance. Any thoughts? Looking forward to your response. Thankyou for your wonderful therapy sessions! Jane in Kentucky. Oh.....I might add this......I am 63, he is 67. We met and dated when I was 23. He became a Pulitzer Prize finalist in photojournalism, worked for Life books, and published in many books. His ego goes with all that..... My husband worked 30 years for Delta Airlines and has the most kind heart I have ever met. Just a little background......
My covert Narcissist "friend" would always present her "advice" and subtle Criticism as trying to help me. Some of her remarks were so subtle you would think "Where did that come from"....'What did she mean by that?"....or 'That was weird, Why did she say that?".....She was passive aggressive and subtly controlling. .I would usually always give her the benefit of the doubt and ignore it but it always gave you this unsettled feeling I didn't have with my other long time friends. She was the expert in everything and needed to tell me how to do things. I would usually just let things slide but I made the mistake of taking her on vacation with me. This is when I really found out about who she really was. We were staying with my friends. She made a little insulting remark about me for no reason as we were going to a restaurant while with my friends. (Not the first one) I didn't want to embarrass her in front of my friends so i took her aside and said in a quiet, calm voice ' I didn't appreciate that comment".....she blew up, Started talking loudly NO NO NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!.....I was in shock, I was expecting an apology which normal people would do. It would have totally diffused the situation. I then said calmly ""Lets talk about this" ......She says NO NO I NEED TIME...(Time for what???).she then refused to speak to me for 3 days while on vacation and staying with MY friends. It was humiliating and embarrassing. It was unhinged irrational behavior. I had to apologize to get her to start talking again. I apologized when she insulted me lol .........twisted everything and it was my fault. ...........another time she wrote me an email how I need to change my behavior and need to be more like her. I basically owe her and need to do what she wants more often. We are just platonic friends but she is bored a lot and has tons of free time. I do not. I have very little free time. I could go on and on. She is not speaking to me right now which I'm grateful, I had the audacity to calmly reply to one of her passive aggressive texts and now I need to apologize again because she insulted me. You can not challenge her remarks in any way, she will twist it all on you. It's called Gaslighting.
I always had to apologize, which I did even when I didn't feel like I'd done much that was wrong, and I always had to prove my love and actions over weeks or days u too she was happy to move on from it
Awesome advice I'm familiar with these kinds of ..."people " and your right I believe I keep my distance usually but I do some times it's unavoidable so I do like the grey rock idea thanks again
Whatever you do... is never let them know you have a journal or a diary. I caught them because they didn't pronounce a word properly, but they used that word in the proper context. I took that journal outside and burnt it. I never wrote any personal things ever again...Until I saw yours and others videos.
I have many. I actually started so he WOULD read it. I thought it would help him see hoe he treats me and the effects it has on me. He never looks. I don't think he cares tbh.
I was scared to write a journal because I thought he’d rage if he found it. But I kept 1 photo of my arm when he grabbed n slung me around so after he discarded me after 18 years of marriage I showed it to my lawyer n I emailed it to the narcissist. I just had a trauma dream last night. Jesus help me and everyone one hurt by these demons
i have never had a relationship with any narcissist. I attack narcissists violently psychologically and physically, massive public shaming. Narcissism cured! i was once a victim.
"You got yourself f****d up, and now you can't think straight." The words of my narc daughter. She's talking about me having a seizure while driving and hitting a tree at 60 mph. As far as how I think, I beat her in court. How's that for thinking? This is the measure of their cruelty. Making fun of me because I'm partially disabled. I have 3 more lawsuits to file. I intend to win each one. Because I DOCUMENTED everything.
I saw that the narcissist would be with friends treating them so well and behind their back would just trash them for some reason that was really about the narcissist. I began to think if he is saying this about all the people in his life what is he saying about me. glad this came up for me. When I would defend the friend to him he would accuse me of not getting the full picture of reality. ( gaslighting me) thank goodness he is out of my life for good. So much passive aggressive behaviour I no longer tolerate and put up with. I finally started to really see the subtle abuse and left. Knowledge is now power in a good way. I have a great life and am doing the things I love. I feel freedom now
I have the perfect backhanded compliment.. from my mother-in-law... " That dress looks good on you. It hides your fat hips'. I've remembered that for over 40 years now. lol
Being able to recognize fair weather friends is so very important when trying to maintain my boundaries. A clear sign of that sort of thing is someone displaying their moody looking moment expressions along with then on the same day displaying unpredictable behavior. Easier for me to recognize fair weather friendship being offered to me while I have less status symbols than most people in my own age group. Why? Cowardly narcissists whenever having to be around people whom are higher up on the same hierarchies they move about in are always going to be way more careful in how their image looks like to them. Cowardly narcissists live their double standards to the extreme. Whenever face to face being around any security personnel or person who is the kind of harvester who bears arms they are pretending to be a model citizen and pretending to be a model righteous believer too. The moment no one with authority is looking then their other side comes out. Like when bashing someone in uniform in the head from behind and the rest of the time trying to lure under age girls into a bedroom. That is why members of the royal family require higher levels of security support detailing every time they venture out in the public.
Made travel plans with my mother when going to a family reunion on the other side of the USA. Airport is several hours away from where we live and being packed and ready to go when I arrived at her house was discussed and agreed. I opened the front door to my mother's home with her dripping wet hair and multiple suitcases strewn about - 1/2 packed. The energy to get the covert PA who was by that time "pulling out all the stops" in her crazy making was electric. It was pure torture trying to get her and her luggage into the car and on the road an hour later. Finally, an unforseen stall at the airport from construction cancelled any hope I had; we missed the flight. We did make to the reunion after all day and night travel and rerouting and with MIA luggage- all my responsibility to deal with. The whole trip to the airport was a cloud of "woundedness" on the part of my parent because I was such a bully and a bad daughter to suggest she was doing anything that could be "wrong". Anyone with NPD relationships knows that icky energy that emits from the covert who is "wounded". And she made sure she got ahead of the story at the reunion when she was in the safety net of her siblings,- "we missed our flight because of a traffic jam". She knew I would never call her out in front of her siblings and relatives (Im a sucker... not an idiot). So she got to punk me again. There's so much more ...metal tube of lipstick in pockets at TSA and a coin purse with metal edges - full of pennies - TWICE. Cans of unnecessary soda she brought into my car (part of her chaotic tangent priority pattern - such as suddenly needing to gather last minute, nonessential items on every trip she takes no matter where she goes) exploded in the hot locked up car after nearly a week - so that was another insult to injury to open up and find a sticky seat and steering wheel. She is totally incapable of admitting she could have made better choices .
Wow, what you have said in this video sums up decades of abuse directed at me by a very close relative. I’m almost totally free of it now but still feel traumatised by it. I’m going to keep trying to recognise a narcissist early and try to control my reaction to them - you rightly say this is an issue with one’s own ego. I really can’t be doing with Narcissists any more and have decided to take action to try and lead a happier life without them as well as to examine whether I may be the same to others - I hope not. I have subscribed to your channel with the All bell and will now check out your other videos. You seem very clear on the issue and how to deal with it. How and why is that springs to my mind firstly? I’m not going to cast judgement on that question here too early but I think I already might know the answer? Anyhow’ many thanks for the informative advice, keep up the good work! 👍
I live with the covert narc she is my mother. That is why I have trust issues...I can't even tell my mom about things that I am proud of and bring me joy. Grey rocking is soo hard!!
Oh...well, good ol mom used me in her triangulation of someone she didn’t like and then threw me under the bus when her “son” went into a narc rage. It’s sad to think that there they all are without me as their whipping post/scapegoat. Now that I’m gaining some understanding of different types of NPD they are powerless over me. ✌🏼❤️💪
Thanks for your great advice about stopping where the narcissist get information from. My covert mom gets information about what I am doing from my siblings all the time. I think Narcs do that a lot and have they have a huge web of flying monkeys. If I am doing something interesting, have a something good going on or am struggling with challenges, then I cannot tell anyone in my family about it because they will tell my mom and then she will make sarcastic remarks about it.
Thank you Thank you Thank you! Ok im starting to understand this. So she called me a narcissist a few times and I kept thinking how can this be? I had to call my friend and ask him if he thought I was. Then I started to do research to make sure im not. Then I ran into your videos, its starting to make sense. Gray stone and let my ego go. Thats it! My brain is tired!
They are broken inside low self esteem. They are attracted to someone that has kind caring and creative qualities. Then they start to despise you for the same reasons they were attracted to you. Because they know deep inside they are nothing like you and the true vibrations start to come thru. Also immature always trying to be center of attention. Healthy boundary and prayers for them from a distance.
Thank you for the way you have worded this comment. It perfectly describes an abusive romantic relationship I lived with for two years from which I have only recently recovered. I find your words here to be personally uplifting and I am grateful to have read them today.
I pray for them to go to hell if there is a hell or if there is a God. Burn, baby, burn! But seriously speaking, empathy is what got me into this problem so I don't have empathy or sympathy for these people or understanding anymore because that's how I got in this fucking mess in the first place. Grey rock it if you can't go NC
SO FUCKING TRUE I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS THANK YOU
I don't care about them I apologize as I di nit wish bad in them. If it's a family member I understand loving them from a distance.
So true! I told him it seemed like he wanted to steal my vibe/energy and when I was at my low, he felt high. When I was at my high, he felt low and came back for the kill. He will never be able to break me! Gone for good now!!
What happens behind closed doors would shock their friends and people who know them. They are so convincing!
Phoenix Rising yes they are! Seem so sweet and caring, but are the exact opposite! I’m and empath and was used as their garbage dump, but not anymore!!
or just seeing the way they custom taylor their text messages depending on what they want from that person...amazing skill in many instances.
YES!!!!! My parents are shocked I need to divorce him. They think he is wonderful!!!!
YES!!!
I’ve seen my ex: make out with his best friends wife, take advantage of a drunk friend of mine, say horrible things about his own mother, steal from work, and assault a cab driver only to leave me in the car while he fled the scene - TWICE. Anyone who meets him however, thinks he’s harmless, if not a little goofy. The most obvious display of duplicity I have ever encountered. Utterly confounding.
When they can no longer control you
they will control how others perceive you
So true. Abuse by proxy.
Yes. Rest assured. People usually clue into their bullshit.
Amen!
:'(
I had this done to me and I no longer care what other people think of me. I like, love and respect myself now. This will annoy them to no end. This didn't come easy, it was hard work.
Harmless is an act,
They are deliberately cruel, cold and calculating.
Their minds are always spinning webs of deceit
So true
That ‘harmlessness’ is only an act. An act to show the rest of us...An act they can call on in a fight because it gives cover for the next move..That move is to play the victim, so they can get away with the cruelty and calculating steps they take to shame you, ignore you, dismiss you, discard you, gaslight you, agitate you, ( not in that same order), and speak softly as if to say “ who me?....All the patterns are there....It is so clear when the hoovering job and a love bombing job start the cycle again....and then.....they GOTCHA ...and it begins all over ..They’re Quiet for a week or two if you’re lucky...Then out of nowhere they’re ignoring you and dismissing you again...It’s a GREAT BIG cycle of abuse..23 f#@&3king years of it until one day I needed to find out what the meaning of gaslighting was...I don’t even remember why I had to search that word but the proverbial light bulb went on and I discovered what it was I was dealing with..OMG..it makes sense now..He is a passive aggressive covert narcissist and an SOB...I dislike myself for the intense hate I have for him...He has taken my innocence, my generosity, my empathy, and my love and threw it down the toilet..If I never see him another day in my life, I will be happy..but we’re married....I bought this house with my inheritance and he wants half of it in a divorce because he thinks he’s entitled to half because he pays the bills...He has a healthy pension and I have none...He hated his job and retired at 50 because I said he could live with me in Florida and I’ll keep working...Stupid stupid stupid is exactly how I feel...I was soooooo naive and gullible but also so wanting a man to love... I wished for him...I wished to have a life with reciprocal love in it...So stupid was I...
This time I’ll learn never to trust another single man as long as I live...There are NO men out there strong enough to be my partner in marriage...I’ve tried two without any luck..
Join the club ladies. I caused the discard after 40 years married, when I heard the term gaslighting. I had become quite distant and non interactive for about six months prior. I guess I was just worn out from trying so hard to make it work. I just thought he was getting more mentally unstable but had no idea about npd. He was so cruel and seemed to really be happy that his infidelity,before the discard, caused me pain.He used have his phone on speaker so I could hear their cosy conversations. I threw him out and told him I hope our paths never cross again. Being a coward, I m sure he read between the lines and will stay in qld away from my home in nsw.
What a waste of my life. He even sabotaged my career, killed my dog and caused me to have accidents. All set up deviously and hard to prove. The worst part is no one gets it unless they ve been through it.
The rumination and the nightmare are crummy. I guess we were with them for ages and it will take some time. Self love and my faith in Jesus has gotten me through.
I am sure the discard saved me an even worse future.
They are demons. I am disabled and he left me with no assets at all, except I had secretly been saving for a while and have enough to keep me off the streets.
Canadian Lady
Stay true to you
You deserve to be happy
Focus on filling your own
cup and practise keeping strong boundaries
No narc will be able to
break thru if you don’t let
them in✌️❤️
kerryann moor
Many Blessings ❤️
LOL @ "I'd rather have a root canal than debate anything with a narcissist" (5:19). I'm with you on this. Moreover, thank you for great resources.
The dreaded sigh, the eye roll 🙄 Everything and I mean everything is a chore for him.
If you ask for anything you are asking too much 😐
Exactly. I dreaded asking my ex narc to pull through dunking doughnuts in the morning so I could grab a coffee. Sometimes it turned into a full out war. So after a while I just quit asking for that too.
@@shawnadeyo I know it's none of my business, but after I read your comment, I couldn't help wondering why getting coffee from Dunkin Donuts was such a problem. He doesn't drink coffee? Or prefers Starbucks? Doesn't want to wait in line? Doesn't want to drive several miles out of his way? Prefers making coffee at home? Or thinks donuts are too fattening?
@@jonstone9741 Im guessing none of those reasons or some of those or all of them at once, its about control not doghnuts.
Shawna Deyo
I hear you,
That’s exactly what they want, not to be bothered 😕
Our needs don’t count, we don’t matter to them
Let someone else ask... up and running
They hide from the cruelty they inflict
So true!!! What makes my situation so bad, he was on the leadership team at his church.
@@imdifferent7294 narcissistic people hide in churches, my narc father is a fucking pastor, after church service he becomes a different person and abusive, No more going to church for me.
He took the extremely vulnerable information that I shared with him about not having contact with my father because he is abusive (most likely a narcissist), and used it against me while validating himself by saying that I have "daddy issues". So cruel, twisted, and misogynistic!
Heather Pooler
Maddening! The narc bf betrayed a secret that I trusted him with early on, big red flag 🚩 He seemed so sincere, sweet, humble, self deprecating, so convincing.
So was Ted Bundy 😠 sweet seduction
My husband used to do that....use my fam issues against me.....sending u love xxx🥰🥰🥰🥰
@@moonchild66 yeah my wife did that too. Cus my dad is a narc too, she would try to confuse me, indirectly show me that I cant be good to her cause of what i learned from my dad.It was just an attempt to convince me that it was me and not her. She was successful at making me forget about her being a narc twice. The third time I realized, I promised I would never allow her to manipulate me again. Relatively shortly after I escaped our house (after she abused me for saying I needed a week of no contact). Once going NC I could more rationally see I had no other choice but to divorce.
My ex left a note ( a note that looked like he had written it to himself....) on the kitchen counter that said "he doesn't like the way she looks". I asked him if he meant me (of course he did) and that I wanted an explanation. I got it, when I confronted him, and he told me he doesn't like parts of my anatomy. Which just seemed so heartless and cruel I couldn't believe he said it.....He was not overtly abusive for the most part during our relationship, although he didn't talk to me or open up the way partners should..... I don't know if my ex was a narcissist.....but I wonder, if this passive aggressive note could indicate that my ex was too....but a covert/passive aggressive type rather than my Dad's more eruptive angry type narcissism... Then I wonder, what if I am narcissistic? I don't think so, I hope not, but relationship are so difficult...sometimes I just wonder what is wrong with me. I was raised by someone with NPD and then (maybe?) I ended up marrying someone with that same disorder...but who appeared to be harmless.
Betsy D
It’s not uncommon, and happens more often than not.
I was duped by a clever covert narcissist more than once until I wised up, learned the signs and recognized the pattern.
Practise self Care daily, fill your own cup and stick to your boundaries like glue 💪🏼❤️
“Coward” is a word I have said to the narcissist a lot.
Same
Oooooh good one!
Maybe it best to say nothing and ignore them.
Gutless Supreme 😜
I’ve used that word too
I remember my ex ALWAYS being overly friendly in public. He would be so completely fake and nice to perfect strangers. I remember thinking, this isn’t really him at all.
I can totally relate to that.
Oh god yeah, her act with people in public definitely felt overly friendly and wasn't the same as how she treated me and her family at times
YUP. It bordered on "flirting" and was so super weird, awkward, and uncomfortable for most people!
Me too
It gets flipped/switched so much too
Like two people in one
Jekyll & Hyde
People really dont see it in them
He is always the one being hurt but fails to realize he's torn me apart
Mine would quietly and purposefully never do anything that was important to me. He would also sulk when I had success and get mad if I didn't constantly affirm him.
Healing Discovery yup me too on the purposefully not doing what mattered most to me. Would just be silent and stone faced if questioned. F’in loser
He is insecure
me too!!!!! Anything I did , he just acted like it was expected of me. If I wanted to do some kind of hobby together, omg, he acted like it was so awful. Even before we started some kind of activity that I wanted to do, he would put a time limit on it. But I went to every football game for him - travelled an hour and a half, walked miles, sat in cramped hot seats (Arizona) and watched the whole game!!!! But I ask him to play scrabble or go on a walk? ha!!!! too much for him.
debbie G pathologically selfish he is
I'm familiar with this behaviour too. Its very frustrating, so now I don't ask anything.
Soooo..my husband died on CHRISTMAS EVE 2017. Last summer I met a man recently divorced and hes seemed very nice and docile. For the first month he went on and on about his wife for hours, at first he said only good things...then he just whined about how unfair she was and how bad she was and I listened for many hours...One day I was very sad and talked about how I missed my late husband and how hard it is being alone on a homestead without a helpmate...He looked at me MEAN and said "ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SELF INDUCED AND YOU CAUSED THEM, YOU BROUGHT IT ON YOURSELF AND I DON'T FEEL BAD FOR YOU " His divorce was caused by him and infidelity, he told me that during his pity party...so I told him..."YOUR problems are self INDUCED because you had a wonderful loving wife and made a conscious decision to cheat, my husband DIED it was a disease and not a choice and your a self righteous asshole " end of relationship
And good riddance to the MAX. You dodged a bullet, what an ahole! He was enraged because he had to LISTEN TO YOU.
Melissa Martin wow so glad you were able to ditch that shit so fast ..) I’m on my own almost three years after kicking my narc cheating lying x husband to curb . There is a massive difference between loosing your spouse to deal th as apposed to divorce . And human who wants to equalize those is bat shot crazy . Best of the best to you in your future only .
Good for you!
Melissa Martin bam, good job dumping that one. He showed his glaring lack of empathy. What an selfish idiot
Got'em!
The silent treatment!
I never knew it was a thing with them. I thought I was the only one experiencing this.
The silent treatment can be so debilitating. My ex used it as a punishment. I ended up so lonely and devastated. They are so good at these games because of a lack of empathy!
Don't you just love when they call the Narcissistic discard therapeutic no contact, except they have never taken any responsibility to use healthy communication for problem solving?
Silent treatment can go on for wks....its horrendous and lonely xxxx
I feel such a sadness for the silent suffering that victims of NA experience.
The trauma is horrible.
It's abuse of another's spirit.
The silent treatment is used as punishment for no other reason other than bring pain to the recipient.
Silent treatment and triangulation with my children are the most cowardly! But I could name a slew of other cowardly behaviors. And this man struts around like a peacock 🦚 and is community involved, people think he’s a great guy! It’s deeply saddening and frustrating. My poor kids. I wish I’d learned about all this much earlier!!!
Oh my god, I hope you get your children back. I can't even imagine how a Mother would feel! 😢 Power to you. You are strong.
Coverts "Idealize" initially, so you are easily taken in.
And "yes", passive aggressive. I never realized just how abusive it is until recently.
MOST passive aggressive thing they used on me..i am surprised u didnt mention it..the SILENT TREATMENT.
The silent treatment is so damaging
most cowardly and evil covert narcissist behaviors: pretending like you don't exist, not looking at you, not smiling at you, blurting out irrelevant or nonsensical things to disorient you, not doing their job properly in order to inconvenience you, not being a quiet person/neighbor, hurting animals or children in order to hurt you, covertly getting others to hurt or annoy you, and all of the above especially when they have some power over you and you can't do anything about it
You described the narc I was married to exactly. I know how terrible it is to be around these "people". They are pure evil.
Yes 👏🏼
He turns he's back towards me alot alot and says I'm toxic.
Omg, u just described my boyfriend of almost 8yrs now!😱
They go into back and forth between martyr and victim so fluidly that it makes your head spin.
They drive you to frustration confusion and change their mind change their plans then say your the crazy one.
They make you think they would be happier with a “nice” person.
Like a gray rock type person. Lol
They really need their mommy.
Tantrum pitching 4 year old who would rather throw away the relationship rather than be mature or honest.
Need I go on? Feeling sick. 🤮
Wow I just realized my sister is a narc. I know my mother was and father is.
The old narc. They have that wierd confused blankish look in there face unless thy are in stocking their pray mode. My father is 90 still at it.
Yes I blew it tonight and let my ego tip out and throw daggers - damn I’m a very good shot! All clever and wit! Shit. Oh well.
My daughter was in one relationship after another with NPD men. On 12-2-19 she either killed herself or the his crazed ex wife killed her. I suspect the later. So this is a serious life threatening condition in its effect on others- it needs to be considered a crime to abuse these unsuspecting souls. I am a OB Gyn and I ran an SLAA 12 step program - women’s group. This helps a lot of women- give structure to boundaries and bottom line behaviors. Helps them stop the stalking, the addiction to intrigue, self deprecating and humiliating demeaning behavior. I only lost one that year. The bottom line is that all we have as women is our dignity. Do not ever let them take away that. Your DIGNITY is supreme.
Kaly Arthurs
Yes,
It is sickening 🤢
“Rather throw away the relationship than be mature or honest” this is so accurate it’s hurt😂 It’s a wonder how they ALWAYS make the wrong decisions and so fucked up yet look so normal to the outsider.
Q Whishaw
Yup!
They are the epitome of self sabotage. Cutting off their own nose to spite their face
My ex-husband was the master of the joking insult. It was so devastating.
they triangulate. they get others to abuse for them
dann hienn
So true!
Narc bf would even triangulate me with his cat 🙄
They pull the strings of others to get what they want, master manipulators. Abuse by proxy, when they can no longer control you then they control how others see you.
It’s a brutal backstabbing betrayal that burns deep.
This is my Sister In Law to a T!!!
Fake, Phony, Coward n Controlling freaks!!
Unbelievable n Childlike n never grow up.
Poor eye contact, sarcastic n full of insecurity n shame n blame
Uses people to abuse people
Family scapegoat speaking here. I'm 47 and have had decades to think about this one . Even though I look moved 3500 miles away from my parents, who I thought I had a normal ENOUGH relationship with, looking back at the last 20 or 19 years literally since I moved from my native DC area to Phoenix, I see that my siblings they all play the game of pretend to be friend and then mob on Matt. And they're the ones who reached out, not me. I just had no idea what I was going to be facing. It was all a set up. My siblings are all kiss UPS to my narcissistic parents. And I was a fly on the wall for how this parents talked about them too. But since they have shown that they're on Team Narcissist instead of Team Matt, they're on their own. Ironically, they're kissing ass for an inheritance when they all own houses and I don't. My folks already years old. I guess they raised some good narcissist and flying monkeys. I don't contact them anymore because I got sick of being the one who always had to make the call once or twice or Thrice a year. Now I get why they are the way they are come. I'm not talking about the older ones who are 8 and 10 years old older. But even my younger brother by 3 years. Did he really have to deny my feelings to my parents ripped off my money as SSI payees? ( when I fired them my mom went from seeing it was a thankless job to acting offended that U fired her... You can't pleaee these people! the game is rigged against you, brother and sister.... and I replicated the narcissistically abusive patterns with someone I dated the last years but decided that an occasional date with this ex-girlfriend just was not worth my time anymore and told her to hit the road for good recently)
@@AZDC99 Good for you. Trust me. They don't change. Get a lawyer. You are most likely entitled to something and contest a shitty unfair will if there is a generous amount involved. Keep away from them. Give them a burner number. These types become more abusive and pit siblings and friends against each other. Focus on your dreams interest and health.
so right.
Definitely lying by omission. When caught she claimed she never said anything to mislead me. When pressed, she became hostile and said I was crazy. All very confusing at the time, but makes perfect sense now. Thanks for making this easy to understand.
My sister is a nurse ratchett type and passive agressive and toxic family. she seems like little miss wonderful but one person in famiy who is not fool and who suffer her insult and abuse was me. and i escape to become a person a larger person than them.. my family and was shot in head and taken down by cohort of all who have her same personality. one of them an abusive person who actully ned others to help and would put his nose to wind an dseek out people like him to abuse me. when he get fearful and need to abuse me . hes very sick in head and kick a puppy and threaten to kill me. he als has personality changes and a enabling women in his life.. he is covert. and i was not fool. and lies on people to make them the problem. My sister might set up the attack on me to kill me and render me disabled and get wish of family to take me back and fuck me up. i ahd a perfect story ending and a life. and did not need her no more. i was not weak or was not fool. so somene hit me and death punch me and it lead to my death while she sat like " scar on lion king" listen to me die and cover up.. she sat and biate dme while i ws disabled by this and she sat saying? your firends let you down. as in she was waiting for me to fall. and your family will help you. they almost killed me... and now were getting the job done. let me help you get a dr. and sat and listen to me bleed to death. and refused wheni handed her th edr name to move . five years.. gone by and she thinkns shes jackson pollock soul mate. but the person woh was the artist and worked for famosu people and was a star was me. was barin damage so i cant make art or thrive again. they got a man to help them to ger her slelf into my place of life. my cousin came after my jobs also a narc... and sister said my cries of murder were all about me being jelous of her.. death and gang stalking torture and my life end up to suffer tragic end..
Lying by omission is what broke the camel’s back. My ex bff is a narcissist. Lied about not knowing about an event that had been planned months in advance bc she decided to get cosmetic surgery at the last min and overlapped with what we had planned. Confronted her about it and she lied, gaslit me, and blame shifted. Cut her off and we’re no longer friends
My mother always told me to pay attention to who you tell your business to so you can know who your enemies are & flying monkeys too.
How to do it in particular, please?
Just be careful of what you share.
@@ravenel2 Yes, practice the art of discernment...don't overshare...Decide what you will share with who.
Not everyone is in your inner circle.
Your videos have made me realised this new girlfriend of mine is definitely a covert narcissist, and I'm already feeling the subtle abuse and see all the red flags. Your channel has been eye opening and I have made up my mind to dump her fast. Thank you
How are you doing now?
Yeah bro get out now I saw the signs but ignored them almost a year later and she's dating her husband's cousin the husband and her are separated but still told me she loved me and was in love two days ago but now she's in love with the cousin lmao she's a sad case we weren't even really together but still this is how they work
I grey rick all the time. However I did tell him right in the middle of his speaking to me to “not to speak to me” loudly and with force, turned and walked away. He looked like he was just slapped in the face. Don’t give them the time of day is the best advice I have ever received!
He would convince me how much he wants to go to some place, like a museum, with me. Then, as we'd decide to go and step out of the door, he would start to show Public Display of Contempt, walking far ahead of me (as if trying to avoid me), then a few minutes later, with a cold frowny face, he would silently turn around and literally walk away, saying NOTHING at all, as if I din't even exist. Then, I would end up going to the museum alone, trying hard to enjoy, but still feeling too sad, ruminating over what had happened, questioning myself.......Later, when I would ask him why he disappeared on me, and why he silently demonstrated disgust and contempt with his body language towards me, hurting me in the process, he'd totally gaslighted back, saying "You are the one who left me, so I had to go home. So stop complaining and being so negative", which would leave me not only hurt, but confused and even guilty.
Yes, familiar. Walking ahead, sitting apart, hurt face. The world doesn't understand him. Constant frustration about something but you never know what.
My husband drove down the most treacherous bumpy road while I was eight months pregnant... I was practically in tears... needless to say I’m happy he has a new supply... lucky girl!!!
Omg thats terrible. Mine was the same. Take the left lane weaving in and out if traffic. Im pregnate..3 small kids in the backseat. If I reacted he woukd say "you wanna fight?" Sick.
That's horrible sorry he did that to you I have noticed that many of them act up while driving scare us
CRIMES OF OMISSION!!!! Oh my gosh, so, so true! "I told you, guess you don't remember"
..or like when they spend SO much time talking about how they hate XYZ and to learn that's exactly what they've done or do.
Yup! And it's always something alarming that you most definitely would have remembered if they told you 🤦♀️
Omg.
Yes.
@@lizzzzlopez Totally!! That's passive aggressive BS they pull to feel dominant. Be STRONG Liz Lopez@
💯%
I had my hearing tested because I couldn’t figure out why she was saying she had said something and I never heard it. I thought it was because we moved to a bigger house and she was starting conversations without seeing if I was within earshot.
I had no clue how to properly define my mother until recently. Growing up with a Narcissistic Mother was horrible. Once I got older, it wasn’t any easier to be around her. She always made it seem like I was her issue and trying to reason with her was a complete joke. When I finally decided enough was enough and stood up to her by letting her know I was not her problem and she was going to stop making me out to be, I could tell she was robbed of her power because she went straight for disconnecting instead of working it out through counseling as I suggested. Since then, she has managed to make my family feel as if I have an issue with them and now they don’t speak either.
The list goes on but I will say I am sad I have no relationship or contact with her but my life is so much more positive. I had no idea just HOW ABUSIVE she was until I learned this. Thank you
Mine too! She was horrible. Allowed me to be abused by her overt narcissists ex-husband in my early childhood. Then when I got older, I found out she has over 15 credit cards in my name after I had graduated college. She had been racking debt in my name for almost decade! When I found out, I reported everything and shut it down! Boy...did that hurt her when I wasnt phased by her cussing me out before I snatched my identity back. She showed her true colors in plain daylight! Now, she gets others to reach out to me & I don't give them the time of day. She also tried to call into my job making false accusations about me to get me fired. It didn't work because I am in excellent standing 😁. She will probably fake like she is sick soon, knowing I was the only one that would come running to help her. Nomore! Super empath I am, and proud of it! Now, we have no contact and I am finally healing! I overcame a overt & covert narcissists. Praise to the most high👏👏
@@nashad9349 yep
Christina. Again a very clear video in which the things I have experienced during my relationship with an covert narcissist are well described. They are indeed oh so charming, friendly, well-groomed people in the beginning when you meet them. But behind that visible form lies an emotionless, fearful, frustrated, angry and damaged person. A traumatic child in an adult body who has never taken the step to adulthood. I recognize your story. To keep my covert narcissistic ex partner away from me, I have done a number of things. When I discovered her true face and behavior, I exposed her. We are still working for the same employer. It is not nice that I did that in front of others, but that is how I sent a signal. I was glad that I received support from many of her and my colleagues afterwards, because what most of them had already experienced was confirmed. Again, it does not deserve a prize, but she knew that she could no longer go to others to play the victim. Other thing that I did, handle matters as quickly as possible in order to close the relationship in this way. You can never really close with an introvert narcissist. They don't give you that pleasure. No contact is indeed the best. Do not expect that you will ever be in a positive light with this type of person again. I have experienced and felt it. I have seen my ex three more times at work in the 15 months that we parted. You not only see the anger and even hatred of the other person, I also got a kind of stifling feeling every time. And focus on yourself. In the first months after the relationship ended, I was so angry and focused on my ex, it cost me so much energy. Afterwards I concluded, that is only wasted energy. Now I focus on myself and put my energy into things and people who do matter. Success everyone, in the end it will be fine.
Thank you for sharing ur story, hearing others talk of their triumph of breaking loose from their narcissistic partner gives me reassurance and courage that it can be done and perhaps i too can also be happy and no longer just exist, but actually live once again too😥 Best wishes to u and happiness. 💜
Thank you for this informative video! I learned from a lawyer after separating from my ex-husband that he was a narcissist, never realizing this while in the marriage. So much control over me for so many years. Since realizing he is a covert narcissist and learning about how he thinks, I learnt to respond and not react. I've taken back my power and I control my life and own me! The greatest gift I gave to myself, my life!
Fantastic!!!
You're so clear and adorarable in your speaking, thank you for the help.
You just described by husband and my in laws. The backhanded compliments are their favorite. If you call out the “compliment” your being too sensitive and can’t take a joke. They all stick together when this happens, like a little cult.
Thanks. I'm getting ready to write a book about my experience as decades of not realizing I was a source of supply.
One has to be careful not to be projecting their own positive qualities onto the covert NPD person as this makes it more difficult to be discerning. Also helps not to be naive about the range of qualities and capabilities possible in humans in general. Thank you for your work and videos. Very helpful.
That was the biggest mistake I made in my late teens-I realize now that I assigned my empathy and love and good qualities to a covert narcissist who looked and acted like Prince Charming on the outside but who had a soul void on the inside. I had absolutely no idea people could be empty or could gaslight like that.
This is very true. I realised my covert was trying to absorb my sociability and general happiness to fill their own “gaping void”. Creepy! 💀
@@TheRonaldbaxter 'My sociability and general happiness' was what attracted my CN to me. He loved my positive attitude, even if I "lacked common sense" (his back-handed compliments began early on.) As the relationship went into marriage, he isolated us from family and friends. He only wore underwear in the house. I mention this as it was his excuse for isolation. We had to keep the blinds closed always and never invite anyone over. It would be a HUGE inconvenience to the CN if he had to actually put on clothing. Heaven forbid! He would make snarky remarks if I asked to go meet a girlfriend for lunch (honest report here, I met friends less than five times in the past 7 years.) I stopped asking because he was so difficult about it. I work from home and then COVID happened, so my isolation was very nearly complete. Last year, he said to me (remember - me, the positive, gregarious one,) he said, "You are shallow. You can't even keep one friend." *sigh* And this is just one small aspect of life with a CN. He passed away in the hospital ICU from COVID last month. I came home and opened all the blinds. ❤
I love your wolf in sheep’s clothing analysis! Now I see how comparing them to a wolf is actually a compliment! Yes they are cowards and definitely do not possess“pack” mentality! Thank you!
I can relate to a lot of these points. For me when we would have an argument he would just talk over me and tune me out and make me feel like what I have to say doesn't matter and tried to tell me that's normal to talk over people. Constantly accuses me of checking other people out and flirting, says hurtful things, makes hurtful jokes and then plays the victim. Also tries to teach me things because he's much smarter than me. And the passive-agressiveness is just insane.
OH, that was a signature move of his, these sad sob stories behind my back to other people about how "awful" and "mean" I am to him.. when in private we were having what seemed like heartfelt connection and support conversations. I was just a tool for him to get supply from other people in the form of pity, his favorite tactic.
He'd eventually forget which conversations went with which group though and things would blurt out in our conversations like I knew about it when it was the first I'd heard, and yet it was obviously rehearsed by them over and over and entrenched.
They Really Are Cowards They Will Never Say Or Do Something To Your Face
I appreciate your videos so much Christina.... I literally broke up with one of these despicable fake humans on Christmas Day, because I had given up spending Christmas with my family so I could spend Christmas with him since it's a new relationship of 2 months.. and he has no family because he's pushed them all away.. but anyhow he all day was using passive aggressive, gaslighting, triangulating tactics and I finally plain and simple had enough! So for 6 days now I have perseverated and continuously obsessed over what I was going to text him regarding his behavior.. and how it's really ruining his life and hurting him more than others, etc etc etc.. but the thing is.. I realized today after watching one of your videos that they would actually be no point in it. These people cannot take accountability and will not take accountability and that's just totally on them. If they mess their lives up what is that to me? As long as I'm not a part of it.. it may make me sad for him but trying to push it in his face would become counter-productive for me and is probably somewhat ego driven on my part.. you know to prove to him who he is.. when he doesn't want to know who he is or doesn't want to face it.. so thank you! Thank you so much for being a champion for empaths and others who have to come into contact with these ridiculously evil people who's only intent is to hurt others.... feeling like that will bring them out on top.. I will not waste another ounce of my energy worrying about his dysfunction.
I have loads of examples! If we needed to get somewhere on time Ex would drive super slow, like 15mph, just so I would get stressed about missing an appointment. If I complained he would pretend he was just being cautious and did I want him to be reckless.
I eventually worked out if I didn't react it took away his power.
Another was refusing to make calls to move house projects ahead. He knew that my home was important to me.
Another was adjusting the heating so I would be cold.
UKNPDSurvivor my X of 28yrs would rhythmically flex his foot on the gas when we were driving pretty much anywhere . We would be on long trips to gymnastics competitions for our daughter and both our daughter and I would ask him to stop because it made us both feel nauseous . He would say he wasn’t doing anything and continue to do it . He only started doing that once we moved from Canada ( away from my family ) to Florida ( near his Mum and step Dad ) . Weird right .
I only realize now what that was . I knew he wanted to irritate us and get us wound up befor the competitions so we would go into the venue already triggered and uncomfortable .
@@maddycanfly7217 always trying to set us up for failure. Stealing goodness and joy and everything in between, destroying goals and outcomes, including life
Thank you so much for this! Today I reacted to a passive-aggressive comment from a narcissistic co-worker in a way that made me feel ashamed of myself. Luckily I found your video. You made me realize that it was because of my ego. And you helped me to forgive myself. Now I'm going on to watch the Emotional Guidance System series. :)
Your videos are helping me soooooo much. Thank you for being so gentle . I have recently left mine and literally have been brought to my knees emotionally. Slow process of healing
👀 All of the examples mentioned wrapped in ONE individual I’ve experienced (including but not limited to) annnnnd I’m good hah I’ll be more forth coming on other videos I’m sure. Just glad to make it out alive with all that 4 years ago.. Thank you for the video! Life saving (literally) 😇 🤗
😃 !!
Great video, thank you! Some covert tricks that I experienced:
- I was talking with a 'friend' about my narc mother, and 'friend' said I'm overreacting.
- Almost every time I said anything to one of my narc sisters, she would say "but maybe it's not what you think" (no matter what the topic was, even if it was about groceries).
- Colleague keeps asking me the same dumb question, trying to anger me (and failing!).
After we broke up he systematically went around our mutual friends and told them a version of why we broke up that painted him in a glowing light, completely neglecting to mention the other woman. It undermined my relationship with several people
I really appreciate the part about ‘ego’. I certainly have kicked myself for forgetting to grey rock.
Thanks for the affirmation.
Thanks Phoenix, for sharing. Life is a journey and we learn from our mistakes! Sometimes I fall into despair and think I’ll never get out of the destructive patterns I learned were “ normal “ as a kid. Other times I have glimpses of life where relationships are mutually respectful, uplifting, satisfying and loving. But then I don’t know how to access them... I am learning how to self-care. Thanks for your encouragement 😊
Christina you have a very honest, sincere way of narrating....
OMG - you dont know how many times he said to me "I thought I told you" - millions!!!!!!!!!! Or, when caught in a lie he would say, 'well I couldn't tell you because I know what your reaction would be"
No responsibility. I'm sorry he pulled that garbage.
Same
I was in a relationship with a covert narc for 4 years. This man made me feel like I had an intense powerful soulmate connection with him. He would say the most beautiful amazing words that made me fall so badly for him - but there were red flags all along the way, his words never aligned with his actions which translated to him having no integrity. But at the same time he would absolutely confuse me - introduce me to his parents, take me for dinners with them. Tell me he would cross oceans to be with me and find me in the next life too and marry me, wanted me to be the mother of his kids, etc etc (good lord in retrospect he would say anything, anything and I'd fall for it because they were such beautiful words). He would gaslight me and make me question my own experience. He got along famously with my friends while at the same time made me distance myself from my parents. I hadn't spoken to my own parents for a year because they absolutely hated him, my mother had a very bad feeling about him. When I went overseas to to my Masters, he refused to break up with me and said he'd never let me go. After 2 years I find out he'd been having sex with this girl for almost the entirety of our relationship (while I was abroad, so 2 years) while introducing her to my best friends back home as his 'good friend'. He had convinced her to keep their relationship a secret for 2 years. That was devastating. But I ignored the red flags too - the constant ghosting and silent treatment, the gaslighting, the lies, sabotaging dates/events that were important to me, ignoring me on my birthdays. I was completely blindsided with the cheating though. He denied the cheating until I showed him hardcore proof. It was terrible and I still go counselling. Thankfully, I have a great support system and in recovery. But I still wake up with so much rage. But my trust had totally been shattered, who do we trust anymore? Especially if you are person who takes pride in being a good judge of character.
I relate to that last part so much (the judge of character part). I do talk about it an older video, but I can't remember exactly which one (maybe one on intuition or recognizing abuse 🤔). Essentially, part of the reason we get duped is because they're also duping themselves, so there's a genuine nature to it. Glad to hear you're away from it now 🙏❤
Your description sounds so much like what I went through down to the waking up with rage about how I was treated and how long I put up with it. Four years for me too with a man with no integrity. All those red flags that I knew were there and I knew were dealbreakers, but I wouldn't let them break the relationship, which gave him ever more confidence that I would continue to enable him. I thought I was giving him a chance to get his shit together and improve his circumstances and character, all the while he was ripping me off and lying to me about his affections so he could continue to use me. And I have all those resulting trust issues, too. We are so lucky to be rid of them. That's the silver lining.
it's as if we dated the same man! sound just like my ex
I remember trying to come with words when I didnt know what was going on with the Covert, and COWARD would come up....and im like that is such a weird word to come up with but it just is so accurate, and now this video this word is at the center of this type of person, so ya it is not a coincidence --so bizarre
Thank you for this video. Ten years ago I became engaged with a situation where when I was being character assassinated I did not think it was a big deal because I knew I was innocent and the things being said were lies. I thought people would see through the lies. People believed the lies to the point of me losing every person...family, relative, friend, neighbor, community, church, etc.... in my life even ten years later. I was left utterly isolated and then entrapped because of health challenges. I understand technically in most cases it is best not to defend ourselves from liars. I would love to hear if anyone else has literally lost every person, their home, destiny, possessions, down to zero plus being surgically harmed, and if they had it to do over again, would they have defended themselves against the liar??? I know if I had it to do again I would have gone after the liar the moment I realized what was happening. I suppose there are different levels of outcome when someone lies...but sometimes the outcome is so bad I wonder if addressing and calling out the liar is the best choice. I was literally GLOBALLY character assassinated so severely that not one person approaches me normally anymore. This extends to pharmacists, doctors, dentists, etc.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you've found peace away from the narcissist 🙏❤
So sorry you had to go through this. A lot depends on specific circumstances, but overall, 'going after the liar' overtly is like wrestling with a pig (you never win, you just get dirty). Unless you have proof and a legal case, then for sure sue them.
The same thing happened to me. The narc was my godmother and it happened during my Mom's death bed. I was not aware of how toxic she was until then. (She is covert) I did not defend myself against the ridiculous stories she was telling behind my back as I also assumed everyone who knows me would understand that I could not possibly have done what I am being accused of and after 6 months I realised that no one from my family is contacting me.
It hurt like hell!!! But time showed her up for what she was and they all returned and had contact with me again.
You see, as much as what you can tell people until you are blue in the face that you are innocent, when they find it out for themselves it hits home properly. So you did the right thing. The fact that no one has returned to you just means they were never your true friends or family anyway.
Your advice is fantastic Christina. Because of videos like this we know so much more about covert narcissists than even they do. Most probably don’t even know they have an issue? Mine is confident and respected in the office. I noticed her being odd and evasive at a social event and jokingly accused her of being socially awkward expecting to be told to F off etc. Instead nothing, then weeks of silence and face of thunder. I realised I had touched a very raw nerve and all the other pieces I had been trying to understand fell into place.
The way you describe the narcissist is so spot on, like you got it nailed down! You just described the essence of the years of abuse I went through, and that’s so freeing and validating since it’s been hard for me to put into words and it’s been undermined and misunderstood by so many. Thank you for this Chanel! I pray you reach more people and create more awareness! This world needs to know, I want to see someday narcissists be able to be called out and then victims have support to be protected.
Thank you so much for shedding light on this. 💜✞🕊
Thank you for this video. My wife and I have a long history together but all of this makes sense to me. What makes it even worse is I was diagnosed with Ms in 2015. Sometimes I just feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind 😬🤘🏻
His crime of omission was never mentioning in 4 months the fact that he is married! Told me all about everything else except the wife. So I walked away and left him wondering why. I'm fine with being single and not sure where he was heading with this but I think he should've been directing his attentions to the woman he committed to
As the wife of a covert narcissist who's husband was love bombing his work colleague, I agree! Unfortunately the (younger) woman he tricked, fell for it. He broke up her marriage, I am sure of it. Now she can have all the silent treatments, emotional abuse, gaslighting, projection and feeling inadequate that she wants. Generally they are the one's that tell you how terrible their wives are, how they are basically singe, and how their wife doesn't understand them like "you" do. They are abusers to all who care about them.
Wondering if this guy was my husband? LOL 😂. Actually, there’s nothing funny about it. @Vicki Pollard - YUP, They’re the ones running down their wives or husbands and being “misunderstood” about their needs, feelings, magical thinking, etc...You can never do enough for them. Read a quote I loved on another Narc video. “Cheating on someone is like dropping a diamond 💎 to pick up a stone.”
call him and let him know how you tested positive for aids
@Bernie Rubber that is the thing about "funny". depends who it happens to
@Bernie Rubber no it would not
So true! I believe she was the perfect little angel! Boy was I wrong!!
Get your self up and get back on that grey rock!!!!!!!! Wow so practical and real and it has happened to me, thank you so very very much for your wonderful insight!!!!!!
I'm not sure if this makes me narcissistic but when I feel or strongly believe that someone's taking advantage of me, manipulating or lying to me, or cheating on me but I don't have any evidence but they're obviously being shady I become very passive aggressive...
It makes me physically ill that so many "family" and "friends" respond with "what HIM no WAY" and "I think he's really nice" and rant along about how "ungrateful you are" for not accepting the "loving person who THEY know would never hurt a fly".
It sickens me when people ask "why would he do that" or "what did he say that for" implying YOU clearly did SOMETHING to "piss him off and deserve it" because the pathetic manipulation the narc exerts with his fake crying and pathological lies have them just as duped as he used to have US.
Anyone reading this that Hasn't actually been in a relationship with a narccissist has absolutely no right to an opinion on "what a victim of narccissistic abuse SHOULD be doing" to get away or recover from the abuse.
Period.
Thank you so much for these videos. I’ve been using these techniques for the last two weeks with a covert narcissist who is my supervisor and so far so good. I honestly can’t believe how much control he had over me for years and how confused I had always been. These videos have helped me so much, again thank you. Staying strong 💪
Having Spent 28 yrs with a passive aggressive husband , I wish I had known how to access this kind of information earlier on .
To have been able to “ google “ passive aggressive ,liar ,cheater , would have been so helpful for it would have popped up covert narc .
Long story short his mother is a covert narc . And I worry about our daughter having signs .
Thanks for bringing coverts into the light in your videos
Victoria Murray same her. My covert narc husband has a covert narc mom
mary willis 😢
mary willis me too!!!
I’m just going to open up your channel every morning, start my day right. God this is hard and depleting...😔
It's worse when it comes from your mother. Takes you years of denying your intuition before you realize you were being gaslighted 🏮
Thanks for the great information. I actually was able to watch this entire video. The one I tried yesterday was too much for me at least all at once.
Thanks I'm sure everyone who's gone through anything like this really appreciates all the work and effort in educate us as much as I do.
Please stay Safe, Blessed and Awesome Always,
Phil G Bergeron 🙃
You are absolutely correct with "triggering the ego".
i figured out grey rock on my own after years of dealing with it. glad its actually effective lol
Always commented on my healthy appite and my looks in general.
Lol "just pick yourself up and put yourself back on that Grey rock" Yes, I relate, I have snapped back at the narcissist and felt like crap after for losing my cool lol
Great explanation. The most cowardly thing that I have seen from a covert narcissist is when they said something very bad about another friends Girlfriend and when confronted a few days later stated that he don't remember saying it. This is despite the fact that everyone in the room heard him say it..
There is an area you don’t get to that also happens with a narcissist. I call it “testing”. This is when a selfish man dates women like a wolf in humble clothing, but on about date #3 he begins to make crude statements about women he’s attracted to at work, or beliefs he has about love that are not kind for a woman to hear, such as, “Love is just lust”. Both times, I felt somehow dragged down into his cynicism , but said only what I believed , which he made immediate mockery of. He was testing me to see how low he could get my values to go. Long story short, I fell for his other efforts at charm, and saw him only in a beneficial light, which was love blindness. He dumped me when he saw a more impressive body. Mine was just fine BTW. He said he had no time for a relationship, wasn’t “ready”, etc. etc. I was completely amazed by his bold insensitivity, and told him that I didn’t dare people who always come first. Ever after that, he turned my friends ....a very close large family I had known for years.....into his satellites and minions to gust over his huge ego and buffoonish humor. I was truly heart broken, losing my friends in the process of putting distance between him and myself. After all, he was so “ nice” on the outside. A few people in the group saw what he was doing, and later admitted they weren’t really a fan of his. But, they did not defend me when he attacked me verbally TWICE at much later parties.......at which I ignored him, and therefore had to be punished. To this day, he visit their house and puts photos of himself in the middle of this family of women on Facebook, like a final word on his power over things. I personally think he’s sick. He has never had a real relationship with a loving woman. I’ve been married for 30 years and have raised a boy with autism. It took me DECADES to fully see him as a narcissist because I was unaware of the diagnosis. Finally a very good therapist put me straight and even complimented my standing up for myself. But, I lost my best friend x 10 years, until I finally decided to forgive and forget. We never discuss him. I lost her sister completely as an intimate friend. That’s a hard lesson to take......what a narc can do to you. I refused a party last year and went on vacation instead. I knew what it would be like......another covert verbal sneer when no one was looking. He is like an unrepentant Mr. Darcy.....who never gives up the superiority and fights unfairly to keep it in place. And, it all began when I challenged his cynicism and disagreed politely with his “testing”. This year my best friend’s daughter is getting married, and he might be invited. I will go with my husband and possibly my son. I do not intend to talk or even look at him, he just reminds me of an extremely painful experience in first love. I deserved better. Do you think this is OK? I don’t think I owe him the time of day, actually. And, I want to enjoy the wedding reception. I know he will corral the family into his private set of flying monkeys, but I don’t care anymore. I still know others to talk to, and I love to dance. Any thoughts? Looking forward to your response. Thankyou for your wonderful therapy sessions! Jane in Kentucky. Oh.....I might add this......I am 63, he is 67. We met and dated when I was 23. He became a Pulitzer Prize finalist in photojournalism, worked for Life books, and published in many books. His ego goes with all that..... My husband worked 30 years for Delta Airlines and has the most kind heart I have ever met. Just a little background......
so my soon to be ex wife. when comfronted with the truth she runs away like her mama and papa and make up lies..
Excellent video!! Very helpful, brother and sister are this narcissist to a tee!! Cut my brother out, went gray rock on my sister
Thankyou so much for this!! Best vid on this topic...most relatable.
Thank you!
Wow thank you. Ive been struggling with staying grey rock but the issue with my ego involvement is spot on!
My covert Narcissist "friend" would always present her "advice" and subtle Criticism as trying to help me. Some of her remarks were so subtle you would think "Where did that come from"....'What did she mean by that?"....or 'That was weird, Why did she say that?".....She was passive aggressive and subtly controlling. .I would usually always give her the benefit of the doubt and ignore it but it always gave you this unsettled feeling I didn't have with my other long time friends. She was the expert in everything and needed to tell me how to do things. I would usually just let things slide but I made the mistake of taking her on vacation with me. This is when I really found out about who she really was. We were staying with my friends. She made a little insulting remark about me for no reason as we were going to a restaurant while with my friends. (Not the first one) I didn't want to embarrass her in front of my friends so i took her aside and said in a quiet, calm voice ' I didn't appreciate that comment".....she blew up, Started talking loudly NO NO NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!.....I was in shock, I was expecting an apology which normal people would do. It would have totally diffused the situation. I then said calmly ""Lets talk about this" ......She says NO NO I NEED TIME...(Time for what???).she then refused to speak to me for 3 days while on vacation and staying with MY friends. It was humiliating and embarrassing. It was unhinged irrational behavior. I had to apologize to get her to start talking again. I apologized when she insulted me lol .........twisted everything and it was my fault. ...........another time she wrote me an email how I need to change my behavior and need to be more like her. I basically owe her and need to do what she wants more often. We are just platonic friends but she is bored a lot and has tons of free time. I do not. I have very little free time. I could go on and on. She is not speaking to me right now which I'm grateful, I had the audacity to calmly reply to one of her passive aggressive texts and now I need to apologize again because she insulted me. You can not challenge her remarks in any way, she will twist it all on you. It's called Gaslighting.
Please eject this person from your life. She is not worth it.
I always had to apologize, which I did even when I didn't feel like I'd done much that was wrong, and I always had to prove my love and actions over weeks or days u too she was happy to move on from it
Awesome advice I'm familiar with these kinds of ..."people " and your right I believe I keep my distance usually but I do some times it's unavoidable so I do like the grey rock idea thanks again
Whatever you do... is never let them know you have a journal or a diary.
I caught them because they didn't pronounce a word properly, but they used
that word in the proper context. I took that journal outside and burnt it.
I never wrote any personal things ever again...Until I saw yours and others videos.
What an invasion 😔 but no surprise. I'm sorry you dealt with that
I have many.
I actually started so he WOULD read it. I thought it would help him see hoe he treats me and the effects it has on me.
He never looks.
I don't think he cares tbh.
Why burn your journal, rather than just put it somewhere he can't get to it?
@@stacygagnon6280 narcs only care about themselves
I was scared to write a journal because I thought he’d rage if he found it. But I kept 1 photo of my arm when he grabbed n slung me around so after he discarded me after 18 years of marriage I showed it to my lawyer n I emailed it to the narcissist. I just had a trauma dream last night. Jesus help me and everyone one hurt by these demons
i have never had a relationship with any narcissist. I attack narcissists violently psychologically and physically, massive public shaming. Narcissism cured!
i was once a victim.
Me too… I send there energy back 3x
"You got yourself f****d up, and now you can't think straight." The words of my narc daughter. She's talking about me having a seizure while driving and hitting a tree at 60 mph. As far as how I think, I beat her in court. How's that for thinking?
This is the measure of their cruelty. Making fun of me because I'm partially disabled.
I have 3 more lawsuits to file. I intend to win each one. Because I DOCUMENTED everything.
They often use their memory not being the greatest act, "can't remember or forget," as well.
I saw that the narcissist would be with friends treating them so well and behind their back would just trash them for some reason that was really about the narcissist. I began to think if he is saying this about all the people in his life what is he saying about me. glad this came up for me. When I would defend the friend to him he would accuse me of not getting the full picture of reality. ( gaslighting me) thank goodness he is out of my life for good. So much passive aggressive behaviour I no longer tolerate and put up with. I finally started to really see the subtle abuse and left. Knowledge is now power in a good way. I have a great life and am doing the things I love. I feel freedom now
I have the perfect backhanded compliment.. from my mother-in-law... " That dress looks good on you. It hides your fat hips'. I've remembered that for over 40 years now. lol
I'm sorry , she sounds like a real witch. Hope you outlived her.
Being able to recognize fair weather friends is so very important when trying to maintain my boundaries. A clear sign of that sort of thing is someone displaying their moody looking moment expressions along with then on the same day displaying unpredictable behavior. Easier for me to recognize fair weather friendship being offered to me while I have less status symbols than most people in my own age group. Why? Cowardly narcissists whenever having to be around people whom are higher up on the same hierarchies they move about in are always going to be way more careful in how their image looks like to them. Cowardly narcissists live their double standards to the extreme. Whenever face to face being around any security personnel or person who is the kind of harvester who bears arms they are pretending to be a model citizen and pretending to be a model righteous believer too. The moment no one with authority is looking then their other side comes out. Like when bashing someone in uniform in the head from behind and the rest of the time trying to lure under age girls into a bedroom. That is why members of the royal family require higher levels of security support detailing every time they venture out in the public.
Made travel plans with my mother when going to a family reunion on the other side of the USA. Airport is several hours away from where we live and being packed and ready to go when I arrived at her house was discussed and agreed. I opened the front door to my mother's home with her dripping wet hair and multiple suitcases strewn about - 1/2 packed. The energy to get the covert PA who was by that time "pulling out all the stops" in her crazy making was electric. It was pure torture trying to get her and her luggage into the car and on the road an hour later. Finally, an unforseen stall at the airport from construction cancelled any hope I had; we missed the flight. We did make to the reunion after all day and night travel and rerouting and with MIA luggage- all my responsibility to deal with. The whole trip to the airport was a cloud of "woundedness" on the part of my parent because I was such a bully and a bad daughter to suggest she was doing anything that could be "wrong". Anyone with NPD relationships knows that icky energy that emits from the covert who is "wounded". And she made sure she got ahead of the story at the reunion when she was in the safety net of her siblings,- "we missed our flight because of a traffic jam". She knew I would never call her out in front of her siblings and relatives (Im a sucker... not an idiot). So she got to punk me again. There's so much more ...metal tube of lipstick in pockets at TSA and a coin purse with metal edges - full of pennies - TWICE. Cans of unnecessary soda she brought into my car (part of her chaotic tangent priority pattern - such as suddenly needing to gather last minute, nonessential items on every trip she takes no matter where she goes) exploded in the hot locked up car after nearly a week - so that was another insult to injury to open up and find a sticky seat and steering wheel. She is totally incapable of admitting she could have made better choices .
Withholding while pretending they are fine when asked...went on for months. That's when I finally said Goodbye.
Wow, what you have said in this video sums up decades of abuse directed at me by a very close relative. I’m almost totally free of it now but still feel traumatised by it. I’m going to keep trying to recognise a narcissist early and try to control my reaction to them - you rightly say this is an issue with one’s own ego. I really can’t be doing with Narcissists any more and have decided to take action to try and lead a happier life without them as well as to examine whether I may be the same to others - I hope not. I have subscribed to your channel with the All bell and will now check out your other videos. You seem very clear on the issue and how to deal with it. How and why is that springs to my mind firstly? I’m not going to cast judgement on that question here too early but I think I already might know the answer? Anyhow’ many thanks for the informative advice, keep up the good work! 👍
My covert narc ply supports themselves and their covert narc family
Yep, they run in family herds
because they are the only ones who can stomach one another.
I live with the covert narc she is my mother. That is why I have trust issues...I can't even tell my mom about things that I am proud of and bring me joy. Grey rocking is soo hard!!
Oh...well, good ol mom used me in her triangulation of someone she didn’t like and then threw me under the bus when her “son” went into a narc rage. It’s sad to think that there they all are without me as their whipping post/scapegoat. Now that I’m gaining some understanding of different types of NPD they are powerless over me. ✌🏼❤️💪
Thank you so much you are so good at explaining everything! I have to be hit over the head LOL you’re so kind and caring thank you so much
Thank you... fortunately I didn’t go to far down the rabbit hole....
My family stonewalling to save face rather than face a deep family shame wound. Ritchous anger directed in a healthy way. Prayers
I am healing but I feel so empty after leaving the covert narcissist. He stalked me for a long time and I feel really entangled.
Thanks for your great advice about stopping where the narcissist get information from. My covert mom gets information about what I am doing from my siblings all the time. I think Narcs do that a lot and have they have a huge web of flying monkeys. If I am doing something interesting, have a something good going on or am struggling with challenges, then I cannot tell anyone in my family about it because they will tell my mom and then she will make sarcastic remarks about it.
I like your explanations. Alot over use the term Narcissist. People can get confused about the word. Again thank you.
Thank you Thank you Thank you! Ok im starting to understand this. So she called me a narcissist a few times and I kept thinking how can this be? I had to call my friend and ask him if he thought I was. Then I started to do research to make sure im not. Then I ran into your videos, its starting to make sense. Gray stone and let my ego go. Thats it! My brain is tired!
Every video fo yours helps in some way. Thank you.