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I’ve dealt with multiple people like this. They would treat me like I was cognitively impaired, and I thought I was the problem until I learned about gaslighting.
I can relate, I am at that point now. It is hard for me to trust now. My narcissistic was a friend. I had no idea what I was dealing with until it was too late. I thought that it was something wrong with me. I could not even talk to anyone about it because I didn’t think anyone would believe me! All I knew was that something wasn’t right, I started researching it, watching videos such as this one. Then the lightbulb went on, like ahh, this is why this person says or does that! The flying monkey stage has started, but now I am learning why that is happening and how to handle it. I am just now starting to feel better, but for me, it will take a long time. So I’m saying to you hang in there, continue to do your research on this very complex condition these people have and remember that they have the problem not you. I hope that I can regain my trust in people again.
My ex would say "I don't live in the past, dear" whenever I might try to bring up issues that weren't solved. But he had no issues bringing anything up that I did!
"You keep bringing up the past! Stop it!" Then I said, "You keep doing it, therefore it's not the past, it's the present. Stop doing it and I'll stop bringing it up."
And for them the past can be yesterday 🤦🏻♀️ but they'll retwist and readdress things from years back, tell you something you did that you had previously talked out and explained it was reactive to what he had dont and he had agreed and "forgave" me. 🤪 The mental torture eventually landed me in the ER with stroke symptoms. There was no stroke. 2 days of tests showed no physical reason for my symptoms. Doc asked me if I was in an abusive relationship because these physical symptoms were mentally induced and is indicative of an abusive relationship. Of course I said no but it stayed with me and eventually got me thinking and then eventually out, 3 years later. Getting away was a battle. I stay to myself these days.
Covert narcissists are truly terrifying. Gaslighting, playing victim, selective amnesia, and blame shifting really do a number on your sanity. I had started planning my wedding when 2 aunts passed away in the same week. I had told my narc these things and when I had an anxiety attack about everything happening, I snapped at them for invalidating my feelings and minimizing the situation. Although it wasn't cool, I knew she was just "trying to help." So I went to apologize to her the next day but have a conversation on why I snapped at her. (At this point we had 3 convos about how disrespectful she's been with no changed behavior) I got blindsided by tearful accusations of living in fear, dreading to come home, and not being able to use the common room because she's an empath and my drama was too much for her. So I asked what she needed in order to fix the problem. With fully knowing my situation and that I had multiple deaths in the family, she made a boundary that if I had intense negative emotions I had to remove myself from the common room so she could feel safe using it. So essentially while I was grieving I was not allowed to use our home if she was there. It was shocking and confusing, and at the end of it I felt so bad I did exactly what she wanted. I got out of there eventually and I know now that wasn't a boundary but manipulation and control. It really sucks when insanity is your reality.
This is beyond true. I get called so many names and also my ED he will use that against me. I hate that pos so much. And yes I also feel validation hearing this!! It makes me feel like I'm not the insane one.
I’m having so many “aha” moments watching these. The past 5 years are beginning to make so much sense. No doubt I’m being called all sorts of names right now to the new guy, just like she told me about the guy before me. I bet he wasn’t that bad either
It is hard to believe how calculating and manipulative narcisists are. It is just mind-bending. Those people are damaged beyond repair. Only God can help them.
Researched it ( not like any Neuroscientist of course) and there are parts of the brain where some penchants for Narc traits are located. I don't know if the normal developing brain was altered during childhood or if it was genetic ( research showed some Narcissists do inherit some traits genetically ). Whatever the Narc ailment-- I think the narrator said it right, that it's about YOU and how you deal with them ( self-blame the most unnecessary thing to do).
PTSD from abuse does cause real brain damage. Most people on the cluster be spectrum also have brain damage, from childhood abuse or neglect. But they also make a decision at some point, and then I’m going to participate in evil and to get pleasure from hurting others. They love to lie and hide and pretend it’s a medical disorder, but the reality is is that we are finally uncovered, but human evil his, what it means, where it comes from.
I totally get this, and I realized after getting out of my 9-year relationship that if you're worried that you're a narcissist, it's very likely that you are not one. It's not something a narcissist would generally be concerned about or consider.
My wife calls me the narcissist all the time. She will always say something and I will get aittle upset and she will ask why am I getting mad. She will then call her friends, on speaker and tell them that I'm a narcissist.
I'm in the hardest stage of dealing with a covert narcissist. I have been married to one for 37 years. I was blind to it but after catching her lying about several affairs over 20 years. I did think it was me that was wrong but now I'm I'm powered now. Her back is to the wall. I busted her on everything. Now I'm in control it probably will end my marriage but I'm a loyal, loving, romantic man. I'm not looking at it like I wasted my life instead I've never felt more free. I'm gonna be great as for her sorry I don't except crocodile tears. If she was going to change in 37 years it would have happened already. So thanks for these videos they have woke me up and empowered me. Much love to you you saved my life.
July 1 married. July 2 she says she decided she did not want my children because she thought I would be an unsuitable father. So I should have a castration. Her words. I felt ashamed for thinking about abandoning her to ice. 14 years later continued gaslighting triangulation isolation etc ... Six years after that here I am. It was horrible. Inhuman.
Took care of wife and family as sole provider for 19 years. Found out she had been cheating for 5 years. After i found out, i became labeled as a psychological and emotional abuser. I didn't realize someone could be that damn evil. She introduced her cheating partner to my 14 year old son while we were still married, while i took care of my Mom with advanced alzheimers one week. The same night slept with the man in our bed. My son was and still is traumatized. Then blamed me for turning our son against her. I loved her so very much and i struggle every day to wrap my head around it. So many lives destroyed and forever changed.
I’ve been made to look like the bad guy. Sure I made mistakes over the course of years. I think I honestly got too tied up in taking accountability for my side of it, always was trying to compensate but eventually just was walking on egg shells and dealing with reactive abuse to where I had to detach, which was conveniently the same time I was discarded from her life and my kids lives.
Bro... Besides "and my kids lives", your story is 100% my story. Only difference is, thank God, we don't have kids... But the narc dumped me nonetheless after reactive abuse...
Oh my gosh you guys.....so heartbreaking...It is amazing how the shaming works too....this is the first time I have heard the term reactive abuse....isn't it healing to have words for what you are experiencing? Oh my god, it has a name.....no more trying or walking on eggshells. There is no reasoning....I hope you are doing better...
Yes, my boss is a covert. When I stopped letting him harass and abuse me emotionally, he went livid and I became the enemy and Target of his smear campaign. I just ignore him and do my job knowing he needs me more than I need him. He found a new target and I watched him do all the same things to her. She’s now in the smear part. Lather, rinse, repeat. He knows he’s a nobody.
I was pushed and pushed, and lost my temper. Suddenly I was accused of abuse. I find myself taking on the role as an abuser in my mind. Something I just dont understand as she was never abused by me
Yeah, provoke provoke provoke, then when/if you respond in ANY way even a LITTLE out of sorts, we’ll, they will be trying to get you to think YOU need therapy (or “insert dehumanizing crap here”). These are the people who poke at a dog for six weeks and then get pissed off at the dog when it bites them.
Yep furryelvis my narc ex-gf started a arguement just so she could push me too. She only did that so she could leave my house to go see her "friend mark". I never laid a hand on her yet she filed then dropped bogus assault&battery charges on me. The week she dropped the charges she told me that she had ridden on his new harley after she left my house. The weekend that she claimed she was in pain from a fractured ankle and wearing a boot. She said i caused her to get it when i never laid a hand on her.
I never blamed myself for the narcissist behavior; I've always known his sickness was NOT my problem. Although I was blamed for his behavior by my narcissist mother which was hell on earth for me. I just wanted out of that toxic relationship with the narc boyfriend. I thank God the relationship lasted 1 year; during that time I had NO knowledge about NPD these videos weren't around back in the day 1981-1982. Due to these videos; I have a better understanding on what I've endure from my past. I must add my narcissistic mother and my ex narc boyfriend received their karma they became crack addicted until their demise. Thank you for sharing your video it's educational and informative. ❤
You mentioned his narc mother. I recently left my 1.5 year relationship with my GF because of an argument I had with her mother. My father 76 recently fell broke and his hip and shoulder. He needs constant care at the nursing home. I told her mother I visit him everyday and she told me I shouldn't see him thst often because he won't get himself better to leave that place. Keep in mind my father also has stage 4 prostate cancer. I don't think he'll make a full recovery. She feels I shouldn't visit him regularly. I was offended and left after the argument. That's not something you tell someone who may not see their parent in a month. I see where my ex gets her behavior. Sad thing, her son 7 years old acts worst then his mother. 😮
11:45 feels like my entire life for the past 13 years. Except it's all done with silence. Landmines and silence and staring eyes while I process all the emotions in the universe for both of us.
I'm in the middle of 30 year, fake marriage , divorce has been filed, how do you know her behavior so well ?. Its very strange, you explain it better than I could ever. Thank you, so much very helpful 👍
You perfectly name the emotional roller coaster of the whole relationship peak and dip. Thank you it’s hard to describe it to other people because you always think it’s you. But all the while people are baiting you wanting you to explode.
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
The intimacy demand while sick, oh my stars! My ex got so mad when I didn’t want to be intimate with him after an extremely painful root canal. He was so upset that he made horrible rhymes-with-grape jokes about me. Then when I got upset, he told me that he felt like he couldn’t express himself and somehow I ended up apologizing to him. I’m so glad I’m no longer with him.
Hello, you just described my whole relationship for 5 years with my fiance who is a Covert N. He would tell his family she broke up with me again and I was always accusing him of cheating (when he was I would catch him, my bad for taking him back so many times) so his family hated me and accused me of making him drink and I was mentally abusing him and he was nervous to look at women in front of me. I didn't find this out till we were on a camping trip with his family. They yelled at me and said I was insecure, jealous, and ruining his life. Now I know why I always felt uncomfortable around his family. He had been telling them this for years. He was actually talking with at least 10 other women every day/saying the good morning beautiful thing. I found a bra in his bed etc. I saw his phone and took it out of his hand. Honestly, I was blown away when I saw how many there were. Also, a woman called me and said she had been seeing him for 7 years. He also had a staring problem he would stare at a woman until they would notice and would turn around and look at him. This was madding and so disrespectful. Well, he baited me on this at our camping trip. I asked him to stop staring at a woman and he yelled "Im not staring at anyone!" Then his flying monkeys acted like a bunch of banchies pulled my hair and kicked me out of our campsite. What the hell!! I felt he did it on purpose and your video just confirmed it. Thank you so much. He wants to go to counseling LOL says he loves me. His family says he would never cheat! LOL Im selling my ring and putting new floors in my house!!
Exactly how they are cruel creatures not human 😮 Never trusted her and never bonded Due to me being so honest which now I knew was setting the bar of a normal Relationship which she could not keep, Even suffering with cancer made no Difference and insisted that it was me taking her for treatment and was 10 times worse than at the age of 12, and vile too the core and made me the bad guy in the eyes of her sister 👹 20 years later in 2012 😅
Good for you for getting out. That’s so crazy what you went through. I just ended my marriage with my wife who was a covert narcissist and also an alcoholic and I tell you being with her was a recipe for misery. About 8 months since everything ended and the divorce started and couldn’t be more pleased with my decision. So nice to be alone and not being getting screwed with. I still question if they actually know how destructive they are.
My husband never even looked at other women in front of me. imagine my surprise when I found out he had countless girlfriends. That explained why the women at his work looked so hurt when he barely acknowledge them. They were being temporarily discarded. I too spent an entire weekend at a campsite with NO ONE talking to me the entire time. Everyone had been such lovely people before then. So confusing it drives you crazy.
This is spot on. I’m actually going through a situation with my son and DIL at the moment, and you hit on almost everything that has happened. I’m accepting that I’ll never have a healthy relationship with them, and it’s costing me a relationship with the grandkids, because yes, they really ARE that petty and cruel.
Omg. Same with me. Word for word. And I have 2 granddaughters under the age of 5 that i will never see now until they are grown. I used to feel sorry for her. But I've come to the conclusion that they deserve each other. They actually mocked me when I cried.
Gaslighting is like a game to them. A psychologically manipulative game that gives them a further sense of grandiosity. Because if they're able to manipulate you the way they want, to do what they want you to do, then in their heads they just won the game. Even though they're the only one playing it. And when you don't play in to their "game" is when they start using other tactics to further hurt you or scare you back into playing the game with them. The game that only they are playing and only they can win. If they lose then you're cheating and must be punished for it
I think this was one of the most affirming video/podcasts I have ever watch regarding this issue. You think you’re losing your ever loving mind and you start to question whether it’s you, but what you just described every single one was exactly what makes you question yourself. Thank you so much for grounding me. Thank you so much for this information that I hope everybody who is experiencing this grows from it the way that I did.
The narcissist in my family told my son and grandchildren that I am the problem. She gaslighted me and lied about me until the family cut off all contact with me. They believed the narcissist and not me.
The situation when sick … my ex husband wouldn’t even let me be near him, cuz while sick I was “disease ridden” and I still had to walk to get grocery (we had a car but I couldn’t get a license for medical reasons), still had to do all the cooking, cleaning and daily chores. When I caught COVID he went nuts and said I was faking for attention and exaggerating. After taking the test and seeing how sick I actually was, he told friends it was a cold- until a week later when he caught it. Getting sick was an argument cuz he’d call me lazy or faking. Whenever I’d get the hot sweats or hot flashes he’d tell me to lose weight so I wasn’t sweaty and gross To him there was never being wrong or misunderstanding…everything was gaslighting. Every little thing. We were watching an episode of deal or no deal and he wasn’t paying attention. He was talking to the cats, reading Reddit and another video. I made an observation and a comment and he insisted I was wrong, brain dead and went straight into screaming I was a gaslighter and not living in reality. Full screaming, neighbours stomping and texting asking if I was safe. I found the clip of what we’d just watched and proved I was right. All he said was “oh, you didn’t have to do that…you don’t have to be right, you always gotta be right”. He’d get upset when I’d back up my points with facts and sources but say it annoyed everyone and wasn’t necessary. When I stopped, he’d say I was making shit up and talking out my ass. There was no winning: both outcomes were screaming or breaking things or berating. When I stopped talking and participating unless spoken to, he accused me of having an affair or something else is going on.
My ex knew I wasn’t okay with her unhealthy relationship to exs. What does she do? Sits next to me at an event pulls out her phone and texts her ex. Now my mood is ruined and we need to go outside to argue about something we’ve already argued about and mind you she’s already agreed to not do that anymore. They’ll constantly make other people feel more important than you. They are the toxic one if they tell you to block someone who isn’t even an ex you do it without question to make your partner comfortable. When you want them to block someone they have literally had sex with you’re controlling. No. They just have no care for making you feel comfortable in the relationship. They’re the toxic one.
Also went through this exact same situation. I was the problem… it was the “ex” he cheated on all his gfs with probably me too! Asked him not to follow her and he refused.
@@natural_free_spirit general rule to live by, if this person you want in your life isn’t gonna be the person you need them to be then they’ve gotta go. Then they tell you you’re overreacting. But you know you’re not overreacting when you ask yourself, ‘if I was doing what they’re doing how would I expect my significant other to respond?’ If the answer to that is they’d dump you then you know you’re not overreacting.
2:30 --Just as I was telling myself I’d never doubted whether I was the cause of x’s uglyness … You mentioned the possibility of thinking “Maybe I brought out the worst in x.” Boom! 🤯 I stand. Corrected! 🎉
Excellent video! I am so happy I found your channel. I am going through a very nasty divorce from an extreme Narcissist. Your videos are really giving me understanding of their mindset and the strength to push through my circumstances. This video hit the nail on the head perfectly regarding the individual I’m dealing with. Thank you!
Yesss to all of them but the sex while sick or otherwise compromised is insidious. Possible trigger alert... I had high risk pregnancies, 7 of them, lost 2 in the first trimester and 2 being born early (both micro preemies one didn't make it) and 3 considered full term. The Dr said no segs but do you think that stopped him, nope! While pregnant with the last child I had "finally" got wise to narcissistic behavior and said I'm done! Been out of that relationship since 2009 yay! Co-parenting is still a nightmare though! Love your videos ❤❤❤
This is one for one the relationship i was in. And i actually started to question my own sanity and i still do. The damage is so deep that two years after, i still try to understand why she did all those disrespectful and damaging things yet never be able to own up to anything. The closest i ever got was "im sorry you were hurt" with zero acknowledgement of anything specific which was what i actually needed from her. I also went to couples therapy alone for several months and when she finally agreed to join, she lied with zero hesitation. The therapist wasnt fooled and insisted she tried to see things from my pov, such as a relationship with a guy who did anything he could to sabotage our relationship and get her into bed. Even after the therapist flipped the table and got her to admit that had i kept a female friend like that it would be unacceptable. Yet still she couldn't bring herself to apologize. She kept bursting into laughter, i assume it was some sort of shame and that she didn't have a way out. It was surreal. I also felt like something was wrong with me for not letting things go, she kept saying why do you bring up the past, it's irrelevant. But i felt like i couldnt get past those things until she acknowledged how hurtful, damaging, unfair and hypocrital which she never did. Is this a legitimate expectation from a partner in order to be able to put the past in the past or was i being too sensitive and demanding? Thanks for this channel❤
I'm married to one of these people and we have two children, your videos have helped me alot and I am grateful. I have no more illusions about who I'm married to. We know there is no cure for this like any mental illness. My hope is that we can manage it and education helps. My husband actually admits he has this problem it came to a head about five yrs ago and since then he has made progress...he changed his job field and environment to something more strict and structured and more physically demanding and feels more fulfilled, he stopped cheating which was a big plus and no longer has a cell phone, he quit drinking completely, took classes for anger and abusive behaviors, became more attentive to his spiritual well being and all of that by his own choice and desire to want to be a better person...with all that being said there is no cure and we still struggle with the selfishness, hypocritical crap etc... But I do think if the person admits and desires it instead of going with it, making excuses etc...they can learn to manage it and just like anyone else with a difficult mental illness the goal is improve quality of life and minimize damage to self and others...they are still people and need love right?
They need love more than anyone. The lack of love (or the literal opositte) is what created them. The issue is that you will not be appreciated, you will just be used. But your husband seems like a rare bird. It is possible to realize this disorder and it is possible to fight it. I had several of the symptoms, based on my upbringing and past relationships, but the face to face experience with a true narc showed me a mirror. Since then I am working on eliminating any narc symptom I possesed. I am now stuck with few only. For example, I still tend to dehumanize my oponent during argument in my head, once I am angry, the other person loses his or her good characterstics and all that is left is his or her misstep and wrong thinking. That mindset of mine is an unfortunate gateway to unlock other bad behaviours. My hack is not to get angry, but that is hard to do. My point here is - you never truly know if a person is true narc or those are just learned traits over lifetime. If the latter, there is a chance.
The problem with being around a narcissist all the time is you cant trust them, you cannot underestimate how manipulative they will be to get what they want. Are you sure he didnt give up the bare minimum just to keep you around? Alcohol and cell phone? That's a big deal but narcissists do not like letting their victims go, just be very cautious and arm your self with counter measures for when he tries to manipulate because it's not if he will but when
I am going thru this...and im definitely reactive. I wish i could respond and not react but when u know whats happening and noone believes you, just makes me even more angry. God help me
Perfect on using the word "Audacity". 😢 it's unbelievable and So validating That I'm NOT imagining This behavior 😭 OMG why can't They just be loved and see ones that just want love and good with them and 😢 just exhausting and Yes Mind blowing Tfs ❤
I went to the doctor and found out I was really sick and I need to lose weight and change how I ate but I was diabetic and worked really hard to lose weight. He did not support me at all. He was always asking if I wanted pizza for dinner. He would make a face when he ate the food I made because he didn’t like it because it was healthy and he’s a very unhealthy eater, it was just crazy and then I need to exercise and stuff and he told me he would with me he never did he never went with walks or nothing he wasn’t very supportive and so I did it all on my own went to the doctor it’s like 23 months later lost weight I was very proud. I know it was like a month later I lost 10 or 20 pounds and I was really proud of myself. My daughter was with us as well and she was proud. She’s like oh mom and then I looked at him like isn’t that great and he looks at me and he just gave me this look like a whatever and that night I asked what that was about and he said nothing why was I supposed to get excited about that and like because I lost the weight I’m on the right track and thinking he’s my partner for eight years and it took that time through that For me to see it after we had a conversation that night of this of him saying well I said that I can’t reach to wipe myself when I take a shower I’m out of breath. I am huge and I was like 200 and some pounds and he said to me oh baby I love you. Oh my pure bottom for you. I’ll take care of you right there. I finally seen it open my eyes like oh my god if I stay with this person I’m gonna be debt. Your videos have helped me out so much. Thank you love from Kansas.❤
OMG YES ! Please you are gonna make me cry - I became diabetic and reversed it (if u want to know how just ask, or you can tell me your success stories), and she kept asking me what I wanted to eat, of course it was always unhealthy and she knew I was supposed to be eating a certain way but it was like she was trying to slowly kill me by making me cheat on my diet, probably because she refused to do what I was doing because it was healthy and the right thing, and she just needed to find her own unhealthy way of losing weight despite me explaining to her what she needed to do and being a shining example right in front of her face, meanwhile other people are asking me how I look so great, lost weight, etc. Pizza in my experience is probably the WORST food for diabetics, especially when you go to town with it.
I just got this recently. I ended up choking and coughing on some food. This lasted a whole 20 seconds, but I was able to get past it. The ENTIRE time I was coughing he had his back facing me watching TV and didn't turn around to look at me the whole time. With his back still facing me, he yells in an annoyed and inconvienced tone, "Wtf?!".... Then ten seconds later he asks if I'm okay.... (He said all this without even looking my way!") I accused him of not even caring about me, and he said "There you go overthinking again!" A few days prior to this I mentioned to him I overthink everything and he used my own words against me.
This reminded me of so many situations years ago in a so-called romantic relationship. I so wish I had had someone knowledgeable about these traits to speak with. Continually questioned myself. I had assumed he was being truthful, when (i can see now) it was all lies. He did so much damage and it took a lot of struggling to get free of him. I also didn't know about personality disorders then, and how much of his behavior, had I understood those traits, would have given him away for the person he really was. Now, as i reflect on a particular situation, i am just realizing yet another lie he told me. I see that behavior now as not only a scoundrel being a scoundrel, but of him taking so many of my years away from me, a theft, and he, a criminal.
The day after my ex cheated on me, she sends me a message saying “you accused me of having something going on with that other guy. That is a major red flag you have jealousy issues”
It's as if you've been watching my life and are explaining to me what I'm experiencing. It helps to have the clarity because it's crazy making and so confusing to go through this.
"Imagine the audacity..." That's a gut punch, there. When you look back over interactions you had with this person, and the ick factor is just off the charts! and you find yourself asking who would DO this to another person? Then you realize: they did; and they did it to you. 😶 🌟 & ❤ to all who know the struggle. 🙏🙏🙏
So I get humiliated & called the cheater when he was the one since day one had women behind my back & he was the first one to break up & go with other women. He told me to move on & go out with other men & now i’m the bad one for doing it & he is the saint.
So sad to read your post. My ex was a teacher and had the summers off. He first husband accused her of cheating because she would spend time in the backyard drinking wine with an older retired gentleman everyday. She said she never cheated on husband but it was his fault she had to seek attention from another man because her husband wouldn't take the summer off to spend time with her. She said it was the best summer she ever had... I still believe there is more to the story. So happy I left that relationship because anything she said never made sense. It's best I don't know the truth because I wouldn't like what I hear. 😢
I was raised by narcissists. They ridiculed me 24/7. Of course, I got into relationships with narcissists. 3 years ago, I got into therapy & my whole reality has changed for the better. Dont give up on yourself. 55 yr old woman here. 💙
Every word is so spot on. She discarded me and 2 boys after a 20 year of marriage. The hardest thing I have ever gone through. Thank God she's gone, im out of hell.
thank you!! o can breathe for the first time in 2 years and have spent the past 3 days unable to leave my house in a shame attack, isolating, beating myself up, feeling so betrayed and hurt and in shock, that i got so angry and you covered it all!, Thank you
I was told..."what would we do if there was no kim".... it was as though I am a non-person entity there to solve a problem for them, while pretending it to be a compliment of how much they "appreciate" me. Instead of addressing me as a person they value and respect, by saying...."Thankyou so much for..."
This is so validating and affirming ty for making this video! My ex painted me black after putting me on a pedestal devalued me and then discarded me recently.
Wow, these are profound insights. My wife loves to use insults and reactive abuse especially in front of a counselor - and then she can say, what a mean and terrible angry person I am when she emotionally baits me to get the response. She also loves to call me an ‘abuser’ and say things like “I have to set boundaries from an abuser that’s harming me.” Lately, I’ve noticed that, despite making multiple apologies for the times I have slipped up or said unkind things, it is like she forgot all apologies and keeps accusing me of not apologizing, and then heaps historical sins upon me. There is much more I’ll probably re-watch this video again. Thank you for the insights and support.
Thank you, thank you for explaining this so clearly and helping people to process the traumatic experience of surviving a relationship with covert narcissists. You just explained in detail my relationship with my ex. The clean slate in which they demand that everyone of their mistakes have to be forgotten without them really having ever admitting or sincerly apologizing for their mistakes, their incapacity to face or own their mistakes, the useless conversations about the same topics over and over again, promising she will pay attention to it next time and redoing it literally the week after. The gaslighting and trying to convince me I agreed to something I did not by picking fragments of a conversation, driving me to insanity. I truly believe she was ill in her mind and that facing her mistakes was too much of a burden to bear so she chooses over and over again to pretend it never happened and that her behaviour is perfectly normal. The victim mentality she used to lure me into thinking it was never on purpose. The denying of a past agreement we made as if the conversation never happened. I cannot believe how much time and effort I put in trying to convince her or ‘heal’ her, the numerous useless conversations I had with her repeating over and over again in different manners what I was convinced of was wrong with our relationship while she really didn’t really care but faked that I ‘opened’ her eyes but only after she felt she was losing me. The emotional manipulation, guilt tripping and gaslighting. I can handle grandiose narcissists just fine. But covert ones are a danger to your physical and mental health.
A narcissist that I dated put me in a triangle and did horrible things to me gas lighting. I take responsibility for making the biggest mistake of my life by having any thing to do with him.
I’ve been compulsively destroying my (once high) credit score for years now because of the way my mom looked when she got word that I had a high score. Her face showed she felt betrayed by me, and then infuriated by my audacity… and then her face showed she felt HURT by my cruelty… Mentally I am aware of the fact that is not the way a healthy parent reacts upon seeing their daughter has worked very hard and successful at something… But… I’m still trying to get myself to a self love /self care/self responsible/ healthy level in my narcissistic abuse recovery journey.
My covert narc would do the very last one, gaslight about a conversation where she said I had agreed to do something. I'd have no memory of ever discussing it. I do forget to do things, but if I am reminded I remember the conversation. One time it was about painting the concrete floor in the laundry area. I was getting ready to install a new washer/dryer and my covert narc insisted that I had agreed to paint the floor. I had to do an acid wash, primer, a couple of coats of paint (all for concrete surfaces). My knees hurt for days. I threw away the leftover paint this summer and realized that it had been bought about 18 months before we married and I moved in. This happened a lot, and she would insist that I had to agree to do something that I would have never agreed to do.
I'm so feeling this today. I'm so ill and they're making me more ill. I've fallen back a step into the self blame stage. My mother decided early on that she is good and I am bad. She does things with the expectation that I will be eternally grateful and like it wipes the slate clean. Then if I make any complaint she does the withdrawal thing! Today this dynamic is destroying me and im more sick than usual because of the emotional turmoil, guilt and self blame. She has withdraw any help, support or emotion. I've never known anyone so able to turn so cold so quickly. It's such a head f**k.
OMG the double bind!! This defines my sister! I always say 'I'm damned if I do and damned if i don't' with her and I didn't know there was a name for that. Thank you for your incredible insights, they are so helpful. Blessings to you
My sister does this. She was on Prozac and growing past it, but stopped 6 years ago. Now she is worse than she was in childhood before she got help. It's sad. I love her enough to feel sad for her and want better. I hate it enough to want NOTHING to do with her ever again.
Holy Crap!!!! The intimacy during illness thing. I NEVER understood this, like why would I want to do anything when I have a migraine and am nauseated. And like there is NO connect in their head that this has nothing to do with not wanting to be intimate with them and everything to do with just not being able to physically enjoy it, or heck even perform. I've also experienced the whole we had conversations, and then tell me later that we had a conversation but none of it is what you actual said or just hold on to the pieces of the conversation that applies to what they want. It's such a crazy mind game. And no-one sees it. So frustrating.
Me and this girl had a bit of fling and a lot of our friends new ,she told me on 3 different occasions she loves me now and I never said it back and i ended things ,now she tells people I was madly in love with her and I was moving to fast for her. She always has to mention to me that we will never be in love , but I never ever said it back to her.
15:52 this is exactly something that happens to me. I'm worried about what she's going to say every time I'm going to do something simple. She's going to have a problem with how i do it and I'm anticipating it.
Amen. My ex was the same way. I had anxiety worrying about the next attack on small simple things she didn't like. She'd focus on something and turn it around into something ugly. I'd feel depressed after defending myself. Example: she needed her oil changed so I offered. She canceled the same day and to get it done somewhere else. She'd say she didnt want me holding it against her in the next argument because I use my generosity as a weapon to gain leverage in the relationship. I never heard of such lunacy. I wanted to save her money and help. I was in love but I would question my motives afterward. Needless to say....I left her.
Oh my goodness!! My whole family had covid a couple of years ago and my oldest daughter was so scared. We were all so sick. I was still working my part time job and taking care of the whole family. I was making soup from cans for dinner. Now my ex-husband expected home cooked meals always. I made it through the whole week and collapsed in bed Friday night. Saturday morning I got up and used the restroom and before I got back into bed he picked a huge fight. Told me how disrespectful I had been for making him pre-packaged food all week and I knew he hated that. Now I had been caring for him all week, checking his oxygen, temperature and making sure he was taking his medicine. Not once did he even ask how I was feeling. After the fight, where I brought that up, he tried to come and check my oxygen and I told him to leave me alone. He told people that he tried to take care of me but I just wouldn't let him.
How do you have a conversation with a narcissist? For 18 years only the first year of love bombing did we have conversations! Now what ever I say or ask it’s my fault!!
I asked my "best friend" not to ask about my work each time we met. He ignored it one week later and I told him again. Later, he ignored it again and I told him even more intensely once more, referring to having him told before two times already. The *very next day* I met him by accident and THE FIRST THING he did was asking about my work. I did not react because his girlfriend was with him and it was in a public situation (shop). Weeks later he asked again about my work and since we were sitting together with half a dozen of friends I did not want to make a scene and only reacted non-verbally but another friend (who did not know anything about the "history") said that I might not like to be reminded of my work during free time and then I could not help but confirm that statement and added that I had asked the "best friend" not to do so but he had ignored that several times. Everybody witnessed that and "best friend" pulled the victim card, called my statement unacceptable and obviously really had a bad time at that moment. I am sure he still thinks I was wrong there and he will never forgive since Narcs never ever forgive. Btw his superiour personality disorder (in my eyes) is paranoid personality disorder, wich is often combined to narcissism.
I have spoke with friends, family, therapist and while everyone is confirming that my ex is by all means a narc. I am still wodnering whether I am crazy or was I (am) a narc. Am I the bad person that was guilty of messing up the relationship...it such a strange time... But then again I have been shamed, gaslighted, kitchen sinking, explosive arguments where I had no idea where it is coming from, etc etc....Strange.... And while my head is like..run as far as away as you can my heart and love that I feel for the person would still try again... When I was having a hard time losing a company and practically everything instead of being there for me...my ex would be makong me feel like crap..how weak I am and I shouldn't feel depressed and down and keep digging how I am the bad person that doesn't take accountability...
Run away. You arent aware of their influence till you get far away sometimes. When youre by yourself do you ever think to yourself what would this person think about this or say to that? Etc etc etc that is a narcissist who has their claws in you. Good people dont go looking for bad intentions in the people closest to them, so we miss all the warning signs. They can manipulate in so many different ways and are always looking for a chance to gain back control
Hang in there. It will get better when you distance yourself from that person. My ex ruined many things for me. Medical bills, and a divorce. ( long story ).I said enough. I'm not giving up everything for one person. I'm giving up one person to get everything. I'm in therapy and dumped her ass. She was thee most beautiful woman I've ever dated but beauty means nothing when her soul is ugly.
Lord have mercy ... My boyfriend always, ALWAYS says "you won't give me a fair chance to fix things since you always being up the past! How can we ever work if you don't give me a FAIR CHANCE??"... I'm bringing up patterns, not the past! He even brags about how he "doesn't lie to me anymore" like he's doing so great, but these lies I were able to prove were SO big, I can't believe he wouldn't expect me to not point out when he's behaving in a similar way? I know he's a cover narcissist, I'm just not wanting to really admit it because he has made me completely financially dependent on him 😔
You still have the chance to get away from him!!! Read what the older wives that have been with their narcissistic-husbands say! Some of them are still with them and their lives are ruined…. Take this as a wake up call!!!
He said i make him feel uncomfortable. That came out right away. I apologized, even tho i had no clue what he was talking about. It came out again during his temper tantrum. This is 9 months after discard & i find out hes telling his friends that i was aggressive. I was never aggressive.
This is the narc I just got out of my life. If she would do something, she would "apologize" and give me excuses/reasons for why she did it. I'm pretty forgiving, so yeah, I'd accept the apology and move on, but if I did anything, even something small, it would turn into a week long discussion where she would make it seem like I needed to be taught this was a bad thing and I needed to really understand how bad it was and if I didn't show the right amount of remorse, then I was dismissing her feelings. Imagine telling a little joke that was pretty general and then being scolded for weeks about it like you're a 5 year old, and then having it brought up over and over again. Even if I'd apologize and explain myself and be careful not to do it again, and she would supposedly accept the apology, she'd bring it back up later when she'd deemed I'd offended her again, but in a different way. It was like her trying to pile on all these little things to say what was wrong with me and make me feel bad. And it was very confusing because she would do pretty major things that affected me and others in a very negative way, like leaving us with bills and such, but she'd always brush that stuff off. Those were no big deal and she just made a little mistake (or even get us to try to share the blame by saying I did something and that's why she ended up doing what she did). I admit, I let too much go because I realize people can do bad things, but not be bad people, but it was like I was constantly bad after that first "mistake" I made, and she had to keep reminding me of it.
I hate the phrase "throwing it in my face" My sister says this EVERY time she is held responsible for her actions. I.e. she bought a car from me. I REALLY needed the money. She only gave me half the money up front. I asked her for the rest of the money at the time she promised to pay me. She didn't have the money. After about 3 months I would pretty upset. And every time I would bring up that she owe me money I would get "why are you always throwing it in my face?!" This is just an example, she does this for EVERYTHING.
I believe it’s a lack of nurturing and proper socialization. Been dealing with this shit since the Carter administration and never witnessed a psychological disorder improve; therapist or no therapist. SSRI or no psych meds. I personally believe macrobiotic practice with a qualified counselor might help if narcissist wanted help. Never seen a narcissist ask for help with NPD either.
I'm dealing with narcissist sister in law and mother in law . I feel depressed I feel high anxiety around these unemotional intelligence. They are criticized of other but in front them they act so so nice it hard to prove or peel their face . They're make me feel like I'm not fitting in . She targets me .. I usually please them more to avoid judgement. Yes u right I like ur topic . So much u right now I'm not doubting my self anymore . I don't have to forgive them just be different just move on . Forgive for s1 who love me only . And never go back to matter what happen becoz their mind game never ends . Don't fall to be their victim no matter how nice they are to u or ur child . It's a trap !! It's hard to get out . God bless u
8:50 omg! This happened to me and yes, I lost my mind in a way I’m not proud of. I went to bed feeling exhausted and sick. He came in later and turned on his super bright reading light, which feels like a stab in the face and sleep deprivation torture. We had an awful fight, I packed a bag and left, he tracked me down through location data and convinced the paramedics I was suicidal. I was publicly humiliated while he waited for firefighters to smash down the door. He spoke loudly about my history of depression to everyone in earshot. And he says I did this to myself.
Our entire marriage was defined by cycles of devaluation/discard and reaction abuse. Whenever she felt the need, she would lean on any of my core wounds I had shared with her over the years and trigger an over the top PTSD reaction. I would fly off the handle and react with anger and then immediately feel guilty once I calmed down, she would then spend the next 4-6 months reminding me (and anyone else who would listen) of how abusive I was because of my reactions. Even after I spent years in therapy and got my PTSD reactions under control, she still brought it up frequently like I was still doing it on a regular basis.
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Narcisists enter relationships in order to break the other person’s spirit and gain total control over that individual. Evil at work.
Agreed, Narcissism is the closest thing to Pure Evil that I've ever seen.
I’ve dealt with multiple people like this. They would treat me like I was cognitively impaired, and I thought I was the problem until I learned about gaslighting.
I am SO done with narcissists.
If I never have have another friend, it’s worth it, to not be manipulated, gaslighted and abused.
Same boat
It is because of my Narc I have no friends.
@@kipwhite6532 try Leslie vernick. I love listening to her and coaches as well
i have ASD, after a narc wife and a lifetime in a neurotypical world, i can relate! lol
I suffered from social anxiety for more than 14 years because of a narcissist and his flying monkeys. Never trusted people again after that.
I’m so sorry you went through that!😭 Being abused makes it so hard to know who to trust.
I can relate, I am at that point now. It is hard for me to trust now. My narcissistic was a friend. I had no idea what I was dealing with until it was too late. I thought that it was something wrong with me. I could not even talk to anyone about it because I didn’t think anyone would believe me! All I knew was that something wasn’t right, I started researching it, watching videos such as this one. Then the lightbulb went on, like ahh, this is why this person says or does that! The flying monkey stage has started, but now I am learning why that is happening and how to handle it. I am just now starting to feel better, but for me, it will take a long time. So I’m saying to you hang in there, continue to do your research on this very complex condition these people have and remember that they have the problem not you. I hope that I can regain my trust in people again.
🤔
My ex would say "I don't live in the past, dear" whenever I might try to bring up issues that weren't solved. But he had no issues bringing anything up that I did!
Ugh I always get that
"You keep bringing up the past! Stop it!" Then I said, "You keep doing it, therefore it's not the past, it's the present. Stop doing it and I'll stop bringing it up."
I always got accused of "living in the past" when I was still upset over some objectively horrible thing they had done the previous day
And for them the past can be yesterday 🤦🏻♀️ but they'll retwist and readdress things from years back, tell you something you did that you had previously talked out and explained it was reactive to what he had dont and he had agreed and "forgave" me. 🤪 The mental torture eventually landed me in the ER with stroke symptoms. There was no stroke. 2 days of tests showed no physical reason for my symptoms. Doc asked me if I was in an abusive relationship because these physical symptoms were mentally induced and is indicative of an abusive relationship. Of course I said no but it stayed with me and eventually got me thinking and then eventually out, 3 years later. Getting away was a battle. I stay to myself these days.
Because that one hour of the day where they're calm or not being outwardly, obviously shady is all that should matter.
Covert narcissists are truly terrifying. Gaslighting, playing victim, selective amnesia, and blame shifting really do a number on your sanity. I had started planning my wedding when 2 aunts passed away in the same week. I had told my narc these things and when I had an anxiety attack about everything happening, I snapped at them for invalidating my feelings and minimizing the situation. Although it wasn't cool, I knew she was just "trying to help." So I went to apologize to her the next day but have a conversation on why I snapped at her. (At this point we had 3 convos about how disrespectful she's been with no changed behavior) I got blindsided by tearful accusations of living in fear, dreading to come home, and not being able to use the common room because she's an empath and my drama was too much for her. So I asked what she needed in order to fix the problem. With fully knowing my situation and that I had multiple deaths in the family, she made a boundary that if I had intense negative emotions I had to remove myself from the common room so she could feel safe using it.
So essentially while I was grieving I was not allowed to use our home if she was there. It was shocking and confusing, and at the end of it I felt so bad I did exactly what she wanted. I got out of there eventually and I know now that wasn't a boundary but manipulation and control. It really sucks when insanity is your reality.
I feel so validated right now. My experience is real. I’m not crazy. Thank you so much for this!
Congratulations! You already knew!
❤ Same!!
This is beyond true. I get called so many names and also my ED he will use that against me.
I hate that pos so much.
And yes I also feel validation hearing this!! It makes me feel like I'm not the insane one.
Same!
Oh trust me you are not alone. So so not alone
I’m having so many “aha” moments watching these. The past 5 years are beginning to make so much sense. No doubt I’m being called all sorts of names right now to the new guy, just like she told me about the guy before me. I bet he wasn’t that bad either
I bet you’re very right about the ex….he was probably just like you…a victim of her crazy making
It is hard to believe how calculating and manipulative narcisists are. It is just mind-bending. Those people are damaged beyond repair. Only God can help them.
If God is as awesome and forgiving as they preach, sure😂
You know these are the people that invented that concept to control others, right?
@@elinek5470 the problem is that sinful man is not that way: merciful, forgiving, loving, etc.
I’ve started questioning if it’s brain damage. Better to think that way than to believe people could be this damaging intentionally . 😳
It has made me withdrawal from people & I am doing my best to find my confidence again.
Same
These grotesque people are wampires - utterly disgusting and terrifyingly destructive at the same time.
Researched it ( not like any Neuroscientist of course) and there are parts of the brain where some penchants for Narc traits are located. I don't know if the normal developing brain was altered during childhood or if it was genetic ( research showed some Narcissists do inherit some traits genetically ). Whatever
the Narc ailment-- I think the narrator said it right, that it's about YOU and how you
deal with them ( self-blame the most unnecessary thing to do).
PTSD from abuse does cause real brain damage. Most people on the cluster be spectrum also have brain damage, from childhood abuse or neglect. But they also make a decision at some point, and then I’m going to participate in evil and to get pleasure from hurting others. They love to lie and hide and pretend it’s a medical disorder, but the reality is is that we are finally uncovered, but human evil his, what it means, where it comes from.
They call you the Narcissistic person
I totally get this, and I realized after getting out of my 9-year relationship that if you're worried that you're a narcissist, it's very likely that you are not one. It's not something a narcissist would generally be concerned about or consider.
My wife calls me the narcissist all the time.
She will always say something and I will get aittle upset and she will ask why am I getting mad.
She will then call her friends, on speaker and tell them that I'm a narcissist.
I'm in the hardest stage of dealing with a covert narcissist. I have been married to one for 37 years. I was blind to it but after catching her lying about several affairs over 20 years. I did think it was me that was wrong but now I'm I'm powered now. Her back is to the wall. I busted her on everything. Now I'm in control it probably will end my marriage but I'm a loyal, loving, romantic man. I'm not looking at it like I wasted my life instead I've never felt more free. I'm gonna be great as for her sorry I don't except crocodile tears. If she was going to change in 37 years it would have happened already.
So thanks for these videos they have woke me up and empowered me. Much love to you you saved my life.
She blamed me for her lies. Every time I caught her lying it was my fault
Never argue perspectives with them and when they start arguing it with you, find a reason to end the conversation
They are like children who refuse to clean up the mess of their personality, and that mess is their shame.
July 1 married.
July 2 she says she decided she did not want my children because she thought I would be an unsuitable father. So I should have a castration. Her words.
I felt ashamed for thinking about abandoning her to ice.
14 years later continued gaslighting triangulation isolation etc ...
Six years after that here I am. It was horrible. Inhuman.
Took care of wife and family as sole provider for 19 years. Found out she had been cheating for 5 years. After i found out, i became labeled as a psychological and emotional abuser. I didn't realize someone could be that damn evil. She introduced her cheating partner to my 14 year old son while we were still married, while i took care of my Mom with advanced alzheimers one week. The same night slept with the man in our bed. My son was and still is traumatized. Then blamed me for turning our son against her. I loved her so very much and i struggle every day to wrap my head around it. So many lives destroyed and forever changed.
I'm sorry brother, it's not your fault and you know that.. stay strong you are a strong man.
Sorry brother. I hope you heal. Always remember when introducing new people into your life " hire slow, fire fast."
So sorry for what you went through. Betrayal is the worst feeling of all.
Psalm 139❤
I’ve been made to look like the bad guy. Sure I made mistakes over the course of years. I think I honestly got too tied up in taking accountability for my side of it, always was trying to compensate but eventually just was walking on egg shells and dealing with reactive abuse to where I had to detach, which was conveniently the same time I was discarded from her life and my kids lives.
Bro... Besides "and my kids lives", your story is 100% my story. Only difference is, thank God, we don't have kids... But the narc dumped me nonetheless after reactive abuse...
Oh my gosh you guys.....so heartbreaking...It is amazing how the shaming works too....this is the first time I have heard the term reactive abuse....isn't it healing to have words for what you are experiencing? Oh my god, it has a name.....no more trying or walking on eggshells. There is no reasoning....I hope you are doing better...
As Taylor says..."It's me, hi, I"m the problem its me..."😂
Wow. It doesn't matter if their a narcissist or not if they have no respect for you.
Yes, my boss is a covert. When I stopped letting him harass and abuse me emotionally, he went livid and I became the enemy and Target of his smear campaign. I just ignore him and do my job knowing he needs me more than I need him. He found a new target and I watched him do all the same things to her. She’s now in the smear part. Lather, rinse, repeat. He knows he’s a nobody.
I was pushed and pushed, and lost my temper. Suddenly I was accused of abuse. I find myself taking on the role as an abuser in my mind. Something I just dont understand as she was never abused by me
Yeah, provoke provoke provoke, then when/if you respond in ANY way even a LITTLE out of sorts, we’ll, they will be trying to get you to think YOU need therapy (or “insert dehumanizing crap here”).
These are the people who poke at a dog for six weeks and then get pissed off at the dog when it bites them.
Yep … learned the buttons then pressed as hard as she could when it benefited her.
Yep furryelvis my narc ex-gf started a arguement just so she could push me too. She only did that so she could leave my house to go see her "friend mark".
I never laid a hand on her yet she filed then dropped bogus assault&battery charges on me. The week she dropped the charges she told me that she had ridden on his new harley after she left my house. The weekend that she claimed she was in pain from a fractured ankle and wearing a boot. She said i caused her to get it when i never laid a hand on her.
@@Hookhacklemy narc ex-gf even admitted to pushing my buttons when i brought it up. She apoligized but would still push my buttons.
My narc ex-gf calls me an abusive liar and ive never done either one to her.
I never blamed myself for the narcissist behavior; I've always known his sickness was NOT my problem. Although I was blamed for his behavior by my narcissist mother which was hell on earth for me. I just wanted out of that toxic relationship with the narc boyfriend. I thank God the relationship lasted 1 year; during that time I had NO knowledge about NPD these videos weren't around back in the day 1981-1982. Due to these videos; I have a better understanding on what I've endure from my past. I must add my narcissistic mother and my ex narc boyfriend received their karma they became crack addicted until their demise. Thank you for sharing your video it's educational and informative. ❤
You mentioned his narc mother. I recently left my 1.5 year relationship with my GF because of an argument I had with her mother. My father 76 recently fell broke and his hip and shoulder. He needs constant care at the nursing home. I told her mother I visit him everyday and she told me I shouldn't see him thst often because he won't get himself better to leave that place. Keep in mind my father also has stage 4 prostate cancer. I don't think he'll make a full recovery. She feels I shouldn't visit him regularly. I was offended and left after the argument.
That's not something you tell someone who may not see their parent in a month. I see where my ex gets her behavior. Sad thing, her son 7 years old acts worst then his mother. 😮
11:45 feels like my entire life for the past 13 years. Except it's all done with silence. Landmines and silence and staring eyes while I process all the emotions in the universe for both of us.
I'm in the middle of 30 year, fake marriage , divorce has been filed, how do you know her behavior so well ?. Its very strange, you explain it better than I could ever. Thank you, so much very helpful 👍
You perfectly name the emotional roller coaster of the whole relationship peak and dip. Thank you it’s hard to describe it to other people because you always think it’s you. But all the while people are baiting you wanting you to explode.
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I looked up that Spiritual counselor and it turned out to be a scam.
The intimacy demand while sick, oh my stars! My ex got so mad when I didn’t want to be intimate with him after an extremely painful root canal. He was so upset that he made horrible rhymes-with-grape jokes about me. Then when I got upset, he told me that he felt like he couldn’t express himself and somehow I ended up apologizing to him. I’m so glad I’m no longer with him.
Hello, you just described my whole relationship for 5 years with my fiance who is a Covert N. He would tell his family she broke up with me again and I was always accusing him of cheating (when he was I would catch him, my bad for taking him back so many times) so his family hated me and accused me of making him drink and I was mentally abusing him and he was nervous to look at women in front of me. I didn't find this out till we were on a camping trip with his family. They yelled at me and said I was insecure, jealous, and ruining his life. Now I know why I always felt uncomfortable around his family. He had been telling them this for years. He was actually talking with at least 10 other women every day/saying the good morning beautiful thing. I found a bra in his bed etc. I saw his phone and took it out of his hand. Honestly, I was blown away when I saw how many there were. Also, a woman called me and said she had been seeing him for 7 years. He also had a staring problem he would stare at a woman until they would notice and would turn around and look at him. This was madding and so disrespectful. Well, he baited me on this at our camping trip. I asked him to stop staring at a woman and he yelled "Im not staring at anyone!" Then his flying monkeys acted like a bunch of banchies pulled my hair and kicked me out of our campsite. What the hell!! I felt he did it on purpose and your video just confirmed it. Thank you so much. He wants to go to counseling LOL says he loves me. His family says he would never cheat! LOL Im selling my ring and putting new floors in my house!!
So glad you found out the Truth!!! Freedom is Great!!! Live a little!!!
Exactly how they are cruel creatures not human 😮 Never trusted her and never bonded Due to me being so honest which now I knew was setting the bar of a normal Relationship which she could not keep, Even suffering with cancer made no Difference and insisted that it was me taking her for treatment and was 10 times worse than at the age of 12, and vile too the core and made me the bad guy in the eyes of her sister 👹 20 years later in 2012 😅
Good for you for getting out. That’s so crazy what you went through. I just ended my marriage with my wife who was a covert narcissist and also an alcoholic and I tell you being with her was a recipe for misery. About 8 months since everything ended and the divorce started and couldn’t be more pleased with my decision. So nice to be alone and not being getting screwed with. I still question if they actually know how destructive they are.
My husband never even looked at other women in front of me. imagine my surprise when I found out he had countless girlfriends. That explained why the women at his work looked so hurt when he barely acknowledge them. They were being temporarily discarded.
I too spent an entire weekend at a campsite with NO ONE talking to me the entire time. Everyone had been such lovely people before then. So confusing it drives you crazy.
Do not fold, do not go back! Good luck to you
Mine likes to come out yelling at me literally asking me why I'm not responding to the uproar. That makes her more upset then me reacting to her. Hits
At my former workplace, a female narcissist treated me by blaming me for anything, so thank you for this video
This is spot on. I’m actually going through a situation with my son and DIL at the moment, and you hit on almost everything that has happened. I’m accepting that I’ll never have a healthy relationship with them, and it’s costing me a relationship with the grandkids, because yes, they really ARE that petty and cruel.
Omg. Same with me. Word for word. And I have 2 granddaughters under the age of 5 that i will never see now until they are grown. I used to feel sorry for her. But I've come to the conclusion that they deserve each other. They actually mocked me when I cried.
Gaslighting is like a game to them. A psychologically manipulative game that gives them a further sense of grandiosity. Because if they're able to manipulate you the way they want, to do what they want you to do, then in their heads they just won the game. Even though they're the only one playing it. And when you don't play in to their "game" is when they start using other tactics to further hurt you or scare you back into playing the game with them. The game that only they are playing and only they can win. If they lose then you're cheating and must be punished for it
I think this was one of the most affirming video/podcasts I have ever watch regarding this issue. You think you’re losing your ever loving mind and you start to question whether it’s you, but what you just described every single one was exactly what makes you question yourself. Thank you so much for grounding me. Thank you so much for this information that I hope everybody who is experiencing this grows from it the way that I did.
The narcissist in my family told my son and grandchildren that I am the problem. She gaslighted me and lied about me until the family cut off all contact with me. They believed the narcissist and not me.
The situation when sick … my ex husband wouldn’t even let me be near him, cuz while sick I was “disease ridden” and I still had to walk to get grocery (we had a car but I couldn’t get a license for medical reasons), still had to do all the cooking, cleaning and daily chores. When I caught COVID he went nuts and said I was faking for attention and exaggerating. After taking the test and seeing how sick I actually was, he told friends it was a cold- until a week later when he caught it. Getting sick was an argument cuz he’d call me lazy or faking. Whenever I’d get the hot sweats or hot flashes he’d tell me to lose weight so I wasn’t sweaty and gross
To him there was never being wrong or misunderstanding…everything was gaslighting. Every little thing. We were watching an episode of deal or no deal and he wasn’t paying attention. He was talking to the cats, reading Reddit and another video. I made an observation and a comment and he insisted I was wrong, brain dead and went straight into screaming I was a gaslighter and not living in reality. Full screaming, neighbours stomping and texting asking if I was safe. I found the clip of what we’d just watched and proved I was right. All he said was “oh, you didn’t have to do that…you don’t have to be right, you always gotta be right”. He’d get upset when I’d back up my points with facts and sources but say it annoyed everyone and wasn’t necessary. When I stopped, he’d say I was making shit up and talking out my ass. There was no winning: both outcomes were screaming or breaking things or berating. When I stopped talking and participating unless spoken to, he accused me of having an affair or something else is going on.
After the abuse she tells me "I'm not responsible for how you feel"
Time to say, "I feel like leaving."
My ex knew I wasn’t okay with her unhealthy relationship to exs. What does she do? Sits next to me at an event pulls out her phone and texts her ex. Now my mood is ruined and we need to go outside to argue about something we’ve already argued about and mind you she’s already agreed to not do that anymore. They’ll constantly make other people feel more important than you. They are the toxic one if they tell you to block someone who isn’t even an ex you do it without question to make your partner comfortable. When you want them to block someone they have literally had sex with you’re controlling. No. They just have no care for making you feel comfortable in the relationship. They’re the toxic one.
Also went through this exact same situation. I was the problem… it was the “ex” he cheated on all his gfs with probably me too! Asked him not to follow her and he refused.
@@natural_free_spirit general rule to live by, if this person you want in your life isn’t gonna be the person you need them to be then they’ve gotta go. Then they tell you you’re overreacting. But you know you’re not overreacting when you ask yourself, ‘if I was doing what they’re doing how would I expect my significant other to respond?’ If the answer to that is they’d dump you then you know you’re not overreacting.
2:30 --Just as I was telling myself I’d never doubted whether I was the cause of x’s uglyness … You mentioned the possibility of thinking “Maybe I brought out the worst in x.” Boom! 🤯
I stand. Corrected! 🎉
Excellent video! I am so happy I found your channel. I am going through a very nasty divorce from an extreme Narcissist. Your videos are really giving me understanding of their mindset and the strength to push through my circumstances. This video hit the nail on the head perfectly regarding the individual I’m dealing with. Thank you!
4:26 - Shaming tactics (of THEIRS) is a deperate unjust LAST RESORT of the WEAK!
You described my 15 year “friendship” with my ex best friend.
Yesss to all of them but the sex while sick or otherwise compromised is insidious. Possible trigger alert... I had high risk pregnancies, 7 of them, lost 2 in the first trimester and 2 being born early (both micro preemies one didn't make it) and 3 considered full term. The Dr said no segs but do you think that stopped him, nope! While pregnant with the last child I had "finally" got wise to narcissistic behavior and said I'm done! Been out of that relationship since 2009 yay! Co-parenting is still a nightmare though! Love your videos ❤❤❤
This is one for one the relationship i was in. And i actually started to question my own sanity and i still do. The damage is so deep that two years after, i still try to understand why she did all those disrespectful and damaging things yet never be able to own up to anything. The closest i ever got was "im sorry you were hurt" with zero acknowledgement of anything specific which was what i actually needed from her. I also went to couples therapy alone for several months and when she finally agreed to join, she lied with zero hesitation. The therapist wasnt fooled and insisted she tried to see things from my pov, such as a relationship with a guy who did anything he could to sabotage our relationship and get her into bed. Even after the therapist flipped the table and got her to admit that had i kept a female friend like that it would be unacceptable. Yet still she couldn't bring herself to apologize. She kept bursting into laughter, i assume it was some sort of shame and that she didn't have a way out. It was surreal.
I also felt like something was wrong with me for not letting things go, she kept saying why do you bring up the past, it's irrelevant. But i felt like i couldnt get past those things until she acknowledged how hurtful, damaging, unfair and hypocrital which she never did. Is this a legitimate expectation from a partner in order to be able to put the past in the past or was i being too sensitive and demanding?
Thanks for this channel❤
Look at your close family for more answers. Likely one of your parents is a POS.
I'm married to one of these people and we have two children, your videos have helped me alot and I am grateful. I have no more illusions about who I'm married to. We know there is no cure for this like any mental illness. My hope is that we can manage it and education helps. My husband actually admits he has this problem it came to a head about five yrs ago and since then he has made progress...he changed his job field and environment to something more strict and structured and more physically demanding and feels more fulfilled, he stopped cheating which was a big plus and no longer has a cell phone, he quit drinking completely, took classes for anger and abusive behaviors, became more attentive to his spiritual well being and all of that by his own choice and desire to want to be a better person...with all that being said there is no cure and we still struggle with the selfishness, hypocritical crap etc... But I do think if the person admits and desires it instead of going with it, making excuses etc...they can learn to manage it and just like anyone else with a difficult mental illness the goal is improve quality of life and minimize damage to self and others...they are still people and need love right?
This has been the most inspiring and ethical comment about family members suffering from narcissism I have seen, and I’ve read many.
Why did he need something more strict and structured, and how did that help him?
They need love more than anyone. The lack of love (or the literal opositte) is what created them. The issue is that you will not be appreciated, you will just be used. But your husband seems like a rare bird. It is possible to realize this disorder and it is possible to fight it. I had several of the symptoms, based on my upbringing and past relationships, but the face to face experience with a true narc showed me a mirror. Since then I am working on eliminating any narc symptom I possesed. I am now stuck with few only. For example, I still tend to dehumanize my oponent during argument in my head, once I am angry, the other person loses his or her good characterstics and all that is left is his or her misstep and wrong thinking. That mindset of mine is an unfortunate gateway to unlock other bad behaviours. My hack is not to get angry, but that is hard to do. My point here is - you never truly know if a person is true narc or those are just learned traits over lifetime. If the latter, there is a chance.
The problem with being around a narcissist all the time is you cant trust them, you cannot underestimate how manipulative they will be to get what they want. Are you sure he didnt give up the bare minimum just to keep you around? Alcohol and cell phone? That's a big deal but narcissists do not like letting their victims go, just be very cautious and arm your self with counter measures for when he tries to manipulate because it's not if he will but when
I am going thru this...and im definitely reactive. I wish i could respond and not react but when u know whats happening and noone believes you, just makes me even more angry. God help me
Can you leave?
Heal. Become emotionally regulated.
@@kimmccaleb4170what
Perfect on using the word "Audacity". 😢 it's unbelievable and So validating
That I'm NOT imagining This behavior 😭 OMG why can't They just be loved and see ones that just want love and good with them and 😢 just exhausting and Yes Mind blowing Tfs ❤
I went to the doctor and found out I was really sick and I need to lose weight and change how I ate but I was diabetic and worked really hard to lose weight. He did not support me at all. He was always asking if I wanted pizza for dinner. He would make a face when he ate the food I made because he didn’t like it because it was healthy and he’s a very unhealthy eater, it was just crazy and then I need to exercise and stuff and he told me he would with me he never did he never went with walks or nothing he wasn’t very supportive and so I did it all on my own went to the doctor it’s like 23 months later lost weight I was very proud. I know it was like a month later I lost 10 or 20 pounds and I was really proud of myself. My daughter was with us as well and she was proud. She’s like oh mom and then I looked at him like isn’t that great and he looks at me and he just gave me this look like a whatever and that night I asked what that was about and he said nothing why was I supposed to get excited about that and like because I lost the weight I’m on the right track and thinking he’s my partner for eight years and it took that time through that For me to see it after we had a conversation that night of this of him saying well I said that I can’t reach to wipe myself when I take a shower I’m out of breath. I am huge and I was like 200 and some pounds and he said to me oh baby I love you. Oh my pure bottom for you. I’ll take care of you right there. I finally seen it open my eyes like oh my god if I stay with this person I’m gonna be debt. Your videos have helped me out so much. Thank you love from Kansas.❤
OMG YES ! Please you are gonna make me cry - I became diabetic and reversed it (if u want to know how just ask, or you can tell me your success stories), and she kept asking me what I wanted to eat, of course it was always unhealthy and she knew I was supposed to be eating a certain way but it was like she was trying to slowly kill me by making me cheat on my diet, probably because she refused to do what I was doing because it was healthy and the right thing, and she just needed to find her own unhealthy way of losing weight despite me explaining to her what she needed to do and being a shining example right in front of her face, meanwhile other people are asking me how I look so great, lost weight, etc. Pizza in my experience is probably the WORST food for diabetics, especially when you go to town with it.
And let’s not forget “stop going backwards “ or another one I got “ don’t overthink “ thank you great video ❤❤❤
Omg he always says I m overthinking and what's done is done just drop it now you re like a dog with a bone
For me it was “put the shovel down”
I get both of those ALL THE TIME.
I just got this recently. I ended up choking and coughing on some food. This lasted a whole 20 seconds, but I was able to get past it. The ENTIRE time I was coughing he had his back facing me watching TV and didn't turn around to look at me the whole time. With his back still facing me, he yells in an annoyed and inconvienced tone, "Wtf?!".... Then ten seconds later he asks if I'm okay.... (He said all this without even looking my way!")
I accused him of not even caring about me, and he said "There you go overthinking again!"
A few days prior to this I mentioned to him I overthink everything and he used my own words against me.
This reminded me of so many situations years ago in a so-called romantic relationship. I so wish I had had someone knowledgeable about these traits to speak with. Continually questioned myself. I had assumed he was being truthful, when (i can see now) it was all lies. He did so much damage and it took a lot of struggling to get free of him. I also didn't know about personality disorders then, and how much of his behavior, had I understood those traits, would have given him away for the person he really was. Now, as i reflect on a particular situation, i am just realizing yet another lie he told me. I see that behavior now as not only a scoundrel being a scoundrel, but of him taking so many of my years away from me, a theft, and he, a criminal.
The day after my ex cheated on me, she sends me a message saying “you accused me of having something going on with that other guy. That is a major red flag you have jealousy issues”
It's as if you've been watching my life and are explaining to me what I'm experiencing. It helps to have the clarity because it's crazy making and so confusing to go through this.
"Imagine the audacity..."
That's a gut punch, there.
When you look back over interactions you had with this person, and the ick factor is just off the charts! and you find yourself asking who would DO this to another person?
Then you realize: they did; and they did it to you. 😶
🌟 & ❤ to all who know the struggle.
🙏🙏🙏
So I get humiliated & called the cheater when he was the one since day one had women behind my back & he was the first one to break up & go with other women. He told me to move on & go out with other men & now i’m the bad one for doing it & he is the saint.
So sad to read your post. My ex was a teacher and had the summers off. He first husband accused her of cheating because she would spend time in the backyard drinking wine with an older retired gentleman everyday. She said she never cheated on husband but it was his fault she had to seek attention from another man because her husband wouldn't take the summer off to spend time with her. She said it was the best summer she ever had... I still believe there is more to the story. So happy I left that relationship because anything she said never made sense. It's best I don't know the truth because I wouldn't like what I hear. 😢
Thank you for explaining the flying monkeys!
I was raised by narcissists. They ridiculed me 24/7. Of course, I got into relationships with narcissists. 3 years ago, I got into therapy & my whole reality has changed for the better. Dont give up on yourself. 55 yr old woman here. 💙
OMG...
You hit sooo many exact circumstances I've dealt with and still do. You truly understand
Every word is so spot on. She discarded me and 2 boys after a 20 year of marriage. The hardest thing I have ever gone through. Thank God she's gone, im out of hell.
thank you!! o can breathe for the first time in 2 years and have spent the past 3 days unable to leave my house in a shame attack, isolating, beating myself up, feeling so betrayed and hurt and in shock, that i got so angry and you covered it all!, Thank you
Yup, they do have a different public persona, incl. a fake British accent + a bogus backstory. It's all so embarrassingly transparent.
I was told..."what would we do if there was no kim".... it was as though I am a non-person entity there to solve a problem for them, while pretending it to be a compliment of how much they "appreciate" me. Instead of addressing me as a person they value and respect, by saying...."Thankyou so much for..."
This is so validating and affirming ty for making this video! My ex painted me black after putting me on a pedestal devalued me and then discarded me recently.
Talking about shame. Wow. You explained exactly how i feel.
Wow, these are profound insights. My wife loves to use insults and reactive abuse especially in front of a counselor - and then she can say, what a mean and terrible angry person I am when she emotionally baits me to get the response.
She also loves to call me an ‘abuser’ and say things like “I have to set boundaries from an abuser that’s harming me.”
Lately, I’ve noticed that, despite making multiple apologies for the times I have slipped up or said unkind things, it is like she forgot all apologies and keeps accusing me of not apologizing, and then heaps historical sins upon me.
There is much more I’ll probably re-watch this video again. Thank you for the insights and support.
Thank you, thank you for explaining this so clearly and helping people to process the traumatic experience of surviving a relationship with covert narcissists. You just explained in detail my relationship with my ex. The clean slate in which they demand that everyone of their mistakes have to be forgotten without them really having ever admitting or sincerly apologizing for their mistakes, their incapacity to face or own their mistakes, the useless conversations about the same topics over and over again, promising she will pay attention to it next time and redoing it literally the week after. The gaslighting and trying to convince me I agreed to something I did not by picking fragments of a conversation, driving me to insanity. I truly believe she was ill in her mind and that facing her mistakes was too much of a burden to bear so she chooses over and over again to pretend it never happened and that her behaviour is perfectly normal. The victim mentality she used to lure me into thinking it was never on purpose. The denying of a past agreement we made as if the conversation never happened. I cannot believe how much time and effort I put in trying to convince her or ‘heal’ her, the numerous useless conversations I had with her repeating over and over again in different manners what I was convinced of was wrong with our relationship while she really didn’t really care but faked that I ‘opened’ her eyes but only after she felt she was losing me. The emotional manipulation, guilt tripping and gaslighting. I can handle grandiose narcissists just fine. But covert ones are a danger to your physical and mental health.
Thank you! This validation is like taking a shower! 💦 😂💕
Reactive abuse was a Hallmark of my childhood. I just had a covert narc ex bestie do the same thing recently and I was so annoyed I fell for it.
A narcissist that I dated put me in a triangle and did horrible things to me gas lighting. I take responsibility for making the biggest mistake of my life by having any thing to do with him.
I’ve been compulsively destroying my (once high) credit score for years now because of the way my mom looked when she got word that I had a high score. Her face showed she felt betrayed by me, and then infuriated by my audacity… and then her face showed she felt HURT by my cruelty… Mentally I am aware of the fact that is not the way a healthy parent reacts upon seeing their daughter has worked very hard and successful at something… But… I’m still trying to get myself to a self love /self care/self responsible/ healthy level in my narcissistic abuse recovery journey.
My covert narc would do the very last one, gaslight about a conversation where she said I had agreed to do something. I'd have no memory of ever discussing it. I do forget to do things, but if I am reminded I remember the conversation.
One time it was about painting the concrete floor in the laundry area. I was getting ready to install a new washer/dryer and my covert narc insisted that I had agreed to paint the floor. I had to do an acid wash, primer, a couple of coats of paint (all for concrete surfaces). My knees hurt for days. I threw away the leftover paint this summer and realized that it had been bought about 18 months before we married and I moved in.
This happened a lot, and she would insist that I had to agree to do something that I would have never agreed to do.
When I had more than enough evidence of cheating, I straight up asked her if there was someone else? She flipped it to me being insecure.
Accurate video!! Very on point about all the nasty covert toxic tactics used by the narcs!!!
I'm so feeling this today. I'm so ill and they're making me more ill. I've fallen back a step into the self blame stage. My mother decided early on that she is good and I am bad. She does things with the expectation that I will be eternally grateful and like it wipes the slate clean. Then if I make any complaint she does the withdrawal thing! Today this dynamic is destroying me and im more sick than usual because of the emotional turmoil, guilt and self blame. She has withdraw any help, support or emotion. I've never known anyone so able to turn so cold so quickly. It's such a head f**k.
The illness example is what's happens to me every time. Sometimes, I feel devalue
OMG the double bind!! This defines my sister! I always say 'I'm damned if I do and damned if i don't' with her and I didn't know there was a name for that. Thank you for your incredible insights, they are so helpful. Blessings to you
My sister does this. She was on Prozac and growing past it, but stopped 6 years ago. Now she is worse than she was in childhood before she got help. It's sad.
I love her enough to feel sad for her and want better.
I hate it enough to want NOTHING to do with her ever again.
Your voice & backdrop are soooooo soothing!
Holy Crap!!!! The intimacy during illness thing. I NEVER understood this, like why would I want to do anything when I have a migraine and am nauseated. And like there is NO connect in their head that this has nothing to do with not wanting to be intimate with them and everything to do with just not being able to physically enjoy it, or heck even perform.
I've also experienced the whole we had conversations, and then tell me later that we had a conversation but none of it is what you actual said or just hold on to the pieces of the conversation that applies to what they want.
It's such a crazy mind game. And no-one sees it. So frustrating.
Me and this girl had a bit of fling and a lot of our friends new ,she told me on 3 different occasions she loves me now and I never said it back and i ended things ,now she tells people I was madly in love with her and I was moving to fast for her. She always has to mention to me that we will never be in love , but I never ever said it back to her.
15:52 this is exactly something that happens to me. I'm worried about what she's going to say every time I'm going to do something simple. She's going to have a problem with how i do it and I'm anticipating it.
Amen. My ex was the same way. I had anxiety worrying about the next attack on small simple things she didn't like. She'd focus on something and turn it around into something ugly. I'd feel depressed after defending myself. Example: she needed her oil changed so I offered. She canceled the same day and to get it done somewhere else. She'd say she didnt want me holding it against her in the next argument because I use my generosity as a weapon to gain leverage in the relationship. I never heard of such lunacy. I wanted to save her money and help. I was in love but I would question my motives afterward. Needless to say....I left her.
Exactly! It’s all the lies they tell, that hurt me, and then they will text me, I love you, I miss you after you call them out on all the lies!😵💫😵💫
Oh my goodness!! My whole family had covid a couple of years ago and my oldest daughter was so scared. We were all so sick. I was still working my part time job and taking care of the whole family. I was making soup from cans for dinner. Now my ex-husband expected home cooked meals always. I made it through the whole week and collapsed in bed Friday night. Saturday morning I got up and used the restroom and before I got back into bed he picked a huge fight. Told me how disrespectful I had been for making him pre-packaged food all week and I knew he hated that. Now I had been caring for him all week, checking his oxygen, temperature and making sure he was taking his medicine. Not once did he even ask how I was feeling. After the fight, where I brought that up, he tried to come and check my oxygen and I told him to leave me alone. He told people that he tried to take care of me but I just wouldn't let him.
Sadly , spot on
It really sucks you had to go through all that before making the discovery. Hopefully you have healed
Lady your so right .
Last 10 years ther or Hell. I finaly left. One month now has pass .
How do you have a conversation with a narcissist? For 18 years only the first year of love bombing did we have conversations! Now what ever I say or ask it’s my fault!!
You're great. Thanks.
I asked my "best friend" not to ask about my work each time we met. He ignored it one week later and I told him again. Later, he ignored it again and I told him even more intensely once more, referring to having him told before two times already. The *very next day* I met him by accident and THE FIRST THING he did was asking about my work. I did not react because his girlfriend was with him and it was in a public situation (shop).
Weeks later he asked again about my work and since we were sitting together with half a dozen of friends I did not want to make a scene and only reacted non-verbally but another friend (who did not know anything about the "history") said that I might not like to be reminded of my work during free time and then I could not help but confirm that statement and added that I had asked the "best friend" not to do so but he had ignored that several times.
Everybody witnessed that and "best friend" pulled the victim card, called my statement unacceptable and obviously really had a bad time at that moment.
I am sure he still thinks I was wrong there and he will never forgive since Narcs never ever forgive. Btw his superiour personality disorder (in my eyes) is paranoid personality disorder, wich is often combined to narcissism.
I have spoke with friends, family, therapist and while everyone is confirming that my ex is by all means a narc. I am still wodnering whether I am crazy or was I (am) a narc. Am I the bad person that was guilty of messing up the relationship...it such a strange time...
But then again I have been shamed, gaslighted, kitchen sinking, explosive arguments where I had no idea where it is coming from, etc etc....Strange....
And while my head is like..run as far as away as you can my heart and love that I feel for the person would still try again...
When I was having a hard time losing a company and practically everything instead of being there for me...my ex would be makong me feel like crap..how weak I am and I shouldn't feel depressed and down and keep digging how I am the bad person that doesn't take accountability...
Run away. You arent aware of their influence till you get far away sometimes. When youre by yourself do you ever think to yourself what would this person think about this or say to that? Etc etc etc that is a narcissist who has their claws in you.
Good people dont go looking for bad intentions in the people closest to them, so we miss all the warning signs. They can manipulate in so many different ways and are always looking for a chance to gain back control
Hang in there. It will get better when you distance yourself from that person. My ex ruined many things for me. Medical bills, and a divorce. ( long story ).I said enough. I'm not giving up everything for one person. I'm giving up one person to get everything. I'm in therapy and dumped her ass. She was thee most beautiful woman I've ever dated but beauty means nothing when her soul is ugly.
Thanks, I've learned so much and you are a beautiful woman. Have a good day
You said you want to shake this person? No I want to hurt him.
Lord have mercy ... My boyfriend always, ALWAYS says "you won't give me a fair chance to fix things since you always being up the past! How can we ever work if you don't give me a FAIR CHANCE??"... I'm bringing up patterns, not the past! He even brags about how he "doesn't lie to me anymore" like he's doing so great, but these lies I were able to prove were SO big, I can't believe he wouldn't expect me to not point out when he's behaving in a similar way? I know he's a cover narcissist, I'm just not wanting to really admit it because he has made me completely financially dependent on him 😔
You still have the chance to get away from him!!! Read what the older wives that have been with their narcissistic-husbands say! Some of them are still with them and their lives are ruined…. Take this as a wake up call!!!
He said i make him feel uncomfortable. That came out right away. I apologized, even tho i had no clue what he was talking about. It came out again during his temper tantrum. This is 9 months after discard & i find out hes telling his friends that i was aggressive. I was never aggressive.
This is the narc I just got out of my life. If she would do something, she would "apologize" and give me excuses/reasons for why she did it. I'm pretty forgiving, so yeah, I'd accept the apology and move on, but if I did anything, even something small, it would turn into a week long discussion where she would make it seem like I needed to be taught this was a bad thing and I needed to really understand how bad it was and if I didn't show the right amount of remorse, then I was dismissing her feelings. Imagine telling a little joke that was pretty general and then being scolded for weeks about it like you're a 5 year old, and then having it brought up over and over again. Even if I'd apologize and explain myself and be careful not to do it again, and she would supposedly accept the apology, she'd bring it back up later when she'd deemed I'd offended her again, but in a different way. It was like her trying to pile on all these little things to say what was wrong with me and make me feel bad. And it was very confusing because she would do pretty major things that affected me and others in a very negative way, like leaving us with bills and such, but she'd always brush that stuff off. Those were no big deal and she just made a little mistake (or even get us to try to share the blame by saying I did something and that's why she ended up doing what she did). I admit, I let too much go because I realize people can do bad things, but not be bad people, but it was like I was constantly bad after that first "mistake" I made, and she had to keep reminding me of it.
Ugh my life
Sounds like we are married to the same woman
@@derschotti3340 Same as mine. 😂
I am in the middle of this. He is definitely a narcissist 😩
It would great to.see a video on how to heal narc injuries?
I hate the phrase "throwing it in my face" My sister says this EVERY time she is held responsible for her actions. I.e. she bought a car from me. I REALLY needed the money. She only gave me half the money up front. I asked her for the rest of the money at the time she promised to pay me. She didn't have the money. After about 3 months I would pretty upset. And every time I would bring up that she owe me money I would get "why are you always throwing it in my face?!" This is just an example, she does this for EVERYTHING.
I believe it’s a lack of nurturing and proper socialization. Been dealing with this shit since the Carter administration and never witnessed a psychological disorder improve; therapist or no therapist. SSRI or no psych meds.
I personally believe macrobiotic practice with a qualified counselor might help if narcissist wanted help. Never seen a narcissist ask for help with NPD either.
I feel like part of their problem is nurture rather than nature. But the other part of me says they're just evil.
I'm dealing with narcissist sister in law and mother in law . I feel depressed I feel high anxiety around these unemotional intelligence. They are criticized of other but in front them they act so so nice it hard to prove or peel their face . They're make me feel like I'm not fitting in .
She targets me .. I usually please them more to avoid judgement. Yes u right I like ur topic . So much u right now I'm not doubting my self anymore . I don't have to forgive them just be different just move on . Forgive for s1 who love me only . And never go back to matter what happen becoz their mind game never ends . Don't fall to be their victim no matter how nice they are to u or ur child . It's a trap !! It's hard to get out . God bless u
8:50 omg! This happened to me and yes, I lost my mind in a way I’m not proud of. I went to bed feeling exhausted and sick. He came in later and turned on his super bright reading light, which feels like a stab in the face and sleep deprivation torture. We had an awful fight, I packed a bag and left, he tracked me down through location data and convinced the paramedics I was suicidal. I was publicly humiliated while he waited for firefighters to smash down the door. He spoke loudly about my history of depression to everyone in earshot. And he says I did this to myself.
Our entire marriage was defined by cycles of devaluation/discard and reaction abuse. Whenever she felt the need, she would lean on any of my core wounds I had shared with her over the years and trigger an over the top PTSD reaction. I would fly off the handle and react with anger and then immediately feel guilty once I calmed down, she would then spend the next 4-6 months reminding me (and anyone else who would listen) of how abusive I was because of my reactions. Even after I spent years in therapy and got my PTSD reactions under control, she still brought it up frequently like I was still doing it on a regular basis.