The link between romantic love and divorce risk | George Blair-West | TEDxBrisbane
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- Опубліковано 20 жов 2023
- Choosing a life partner is the most consequential decision we make, but many prefer to rely on the understandably romantic, but spectacularly passive, process of ‘falling’ in love with ‘the one’. In this ground-breaking and confronting talk psychiatrist Dr George Blair-West explores why, compared to love marriages, consensual, modern arranged marriages unexpectedly develop much higher marital satisfaction scores over time. He introduces an innovative definition of love and the two crucial questions we should ask before committing to a long-term relationship.
An award-winning author, Dr George Blair-West, a medical doctor and psychiatrist, has worked in couple therapy for 25 years. His writing and speaking career began with scientific publications on suicide and depression when a Senior Lecturer with the University of Queensland, resulting in his admission to the New York Academy of Sciences in 1998. Lay articles and five books followed. His book on the psychology of weight loss led to recognition as one of the top 20 international obesity experts in the field. ‘The Way of the Quest’, which explores his deep interest in how to find one’s meaning & purpose in life, garnered several awards in the inspirational fiction genre. 'How to make the biggest decision of your life - Unlocking the secrets to a healthy lasting relationship', builds on his 2017 TED.com talk on avoiding divorce by choosing a partner in a more informed way. He, and his psychologist wife of 35 years, Penny, live in Brisbane and have two adult children.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
My dad always preached “Love is no excuse to get married”. Friendship must be established with trust and common values.
Works for some. Others get friend zoned
I think if you're in an arranged marriage, there's family pressure to get married and stay in it (divorce isn't an option). Over time, you convince yourself to be "happy" because what other choice do you have? People can convince themselves of anything over time. If your only option is to live in a van down by the river, you might hate it at first but you get tired of living in misery so eventually learn to change your perspective and over time, it becomes familiar so you find "happiness" in it.
So happiness is like adaptation, although it also smells like resignation. I liked that point about... "make it work"
@@VforVanity10 it's not about getting it right or wrong. It's called having an opinion.
There's a principle in social psychology that proves people come to love what they have suffered for. That then begs the question "what is love anyway?". Is it something positive, negative or both?
If it comes from suffering, is that attachment through trauma and familiarity to that trauma over time?
What were the circumstances of the people who answered the questionnaires?
Are the marriages based on financial gain? Over time, financial gain increases for couples so that could contribute to feelings of "happiness". Not necessarily love for their partners but due to the betterment of their lifestyles.
True love can be confused for many things.
It's more complicated than stated in this video.
@@Boyofway I think that's a part of it. Adaptation and familiarity. Some people like the resignation of not having choices so they're happier by having a path set out for them.
@@VforVanity10 I said my comment is my opinion. There's no such thing as fact when it comes to relationships. There is no formula as to what will work and what will not due to the fickle nature of humans.
I never trust anyone who talks about how educated they are since I know how flawed academic research can be compared to reality.
Exactly. I'm the daughter of an arranged marriage. My aunt had one, my uncles had them, my grandmother had one, etc. They all stay together not because they want to, but rather because they have to. Which is why when studying this concept it's important to actually investigate into why the couples stay together or don't.
Basically wait till after infatuation stage to make proper and sane choice to marry.
Thank you. I loved the four questions. Falling in love feels like abandoning all your criteria and replacing it with intense attachment and a need for reciprocation. That's madness. I love MV Summers advice on this: _So the next time you are tempted to want to be in love with someone who you probably don’t know at all, ask yourself, “Am I willing to go through a lot of disappointment over this?” And better at the outset than 20 years later._ ... I'm sure I'm not the only one here burned...
Ive been a therapist for 12 years. Couples' problems are always the same: A) Courting period, first 60 days of relationship, he leaves dishes in the sink, she leaves clothes on the bathroom floor and stuff all over counter. Neither partner cares and willingly and happily helps the other clean the area. Tolerance level scale 1-10=10. B) 2 years into relationship, both partners start arguments. She yells at him for leaving dishes in sink. He yells at her for leaving stuff all over the bathroom. Tolerance level scale 1-10=2.
The problem is now easily identified. The male and female are shown their nonsensical behaviors and it is up to the couple now to realize if they live each other, all they must do is tolerate each other's shortcomings and be willing to help/love each other after 2 years as they helped/loved each other in the first 60 days. The individual flaws differ from couple to couple, but these 2 flaws i used are easy to understand. If couples are willing to use this treatment method of learning tolerance, they can be much more considerate and thoughtful towards each other and their lives improve and i love to hear them tell me they felt silly for not being able to identify that problem and figure out how to fix themselves when it was such an easy fix.
I would add a few more points to this.
It is [very] important to look and see right at the problem at the beginning rather than bury it under "love": the dishes in the sink, the clothes on the bathroom floor. Instead of tolerating it, have a conversation about it and try to arrive at an agreement which both can live with. Tolerance has its limit and any issue, small or big, might be the last straw on the camel's back.
Consequently, it is (also very) important to grow and improve yourself along the way with your relationship, rather than merely relying on it. If it's your dishes, put them into the washer, if it's your clothes, put them into the washing machine; that's care and that's how you keep your home in order. Family can only be your home and your sanctuary when you build it, together.
Sad then .... nothi g like this with my partner. This is so childish! We have issues since we are neurodivergent but we talk and try to understand and find solutions then... and we have been together for 13 years
There are Different Kinds (..almost degrees and stages) of Love
If the goal is to prevent divorce, don't get married. 100% efficacy rate.
You're not wrong at all!!!!
All depends on what your core beliefs are on marriage
@@mg79277no it doesn’t. The OP stated the precise, “if the goal is to prevent divorce”
Your core beliefs matter not one jot, apart from anything they change over time, and they’re highly unlikely to start and then grow along the same path as the other person
Couldn't have been a better time for this talk to come out. I'll be making a more informed decision. Thank you!
With my husband 4 years before marriage. Married now almost 18 years and raising 2 kids together.
The illusion of love is parallel to the illusion of free will, which is why you can't control who you find attractive or not.
Bear in mind that arranged marriages- modern or not - are less likely to end in divorce due to stigma.
This is amazing information. Definitely something to really consider with such an important choice in your life.
Strong, instilled beliefs can also be a factor for arranged marriages like a religious or political view you are brought up into to.
Superb, thank you.
'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
My advice was always to live with the person for three years then decide. The bad traits cannot be changed either learn to live with those faults or don’t marry.,
Many thanks for your useful sharings to all. All the best!
Match maker!
Interesting, does this factor in that leaving an arranged marriage can result in being ostricised by family. Also what about the fear of honour killings.
Thank you for Talk!Romantic and Marriage as HONEY!But as can we to mix Honey,...and we go till in divorce🙏
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I have been saying this for years even in my Twenties be true in my own experiment of seventeen years being married
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I am 75 years old. My wife and I a month ago celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. Romantic love has its place in courtship and marriage. Yet marriage is primarily a religious vow. Secondarily romantic. We are composed of both body and soul. The body has its demands. But the soul has its demands. Before a wedding you both must do your best to know who you are marrying. Shared religious faith is a big help. (My wife and I are both Catholics. I will add, she is Chinese, and I am Caucasian American.) Religious faith is not the only factor, but if really committed it is a huge factor. Marriage is a religious vow to God, not just to each other. This is something too many Moderns do not understand. Arranged can have its possibilites. But this speaker has little to nothing to say about shared religious faith. And now Americans and around the world religion is on the defensive.
Religious believe is a serious commitment glue that should not be underestimated. Too bad modern folks no longer believe that god and a soul do exist, in the first place. The consequenses are for humanity to observe...
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Marriage is not religious for everyone. Just because you're religious doesn't mean your worldview is somehow more correct or superior than others. I've seen religious marriages fail and non-religious marriages thrive. Didn't your holy book say not to judge others?
He’s comparing data from 3rd world countries and cultures where religious and societal mores force people into relationships which prioritise material inheritance preservation with societies which prioritise freedom of choice and love.
I am from one such country. This might have been the norm before but now there is only an unspoken social and societal pressure for a couple to stay together and I don't see that as a bad thing. There are avenues for divorce, and people do divorce but it's simply highly discouraged. Force is almost never involved. I am from a conservative muslim family. We certainly don't prioritise anything material. We prioritise the wellbeing of each partner, children, and overall societal stability. I personally think that western cultures trust freedom of choice too much. People are idiots. We simply prefer to trust God, family, and time-honored institutions instead. Personal choice is important, and marriage is never done without consent or mutual attraction, but it's not overemphasised like it is in the west.
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What does it mean - no gender?
He Keeps talking about the benefit of waiting longer to make a commitment but if having kids is a main goal, the woman's reproductive clock must also be taken into account .
not really, rushing into ruining kids lives by bringing them into a relationship that isn't ready, is simply selfish
Daddy proposed after 6 weeks. My parents were married 34 years, until he died of Cancer.
You couldn't be more wrong!
Too mono-everything: monogamy, monomarriage, monolove... An expert without mentioning other ways? The data is okay but misrepresents reality, sound like a monologue.
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