Overall, this poem is pretty good. I like the rhythm, particularly with "to protect us" and "to digest us." I feel that the poem needs some visceral descriptions to make the point clear about how scared and uneasy we feel around men and how women have evolved to have to resort to using the survival mechanisms in order to survive, but we should be telling men to not attack women. Something like men claw off our clothes and thrust themselves into us until they roar with gratification or something of that ilk that can match the iambic meter and rhyme. As for the name of the collection, "Little Songs" is simple and is more or less what it says on the tin when it comes to sonnets. Hope all this helps.
Thanks for the feedback! I agree about needing stronger images, I'm not sure I want to go quite that graphic but I get your point and will work on the second draft.
The whole notion of 'courtship' as 'hunting', the desired as 'prey', could certainly do with a good kicking here, linking it to that long history whilst demonstrating what a sick and abhorrent metaphor / mindset it is - even a genuine hunter, the bear, is preferable to those who still operate within that framework.
Overall, this poem is pretty good. I like the rhythm, particularly with "to protect us" and "to digest us."
I feel that the poem needs some visceral descriptions to make the point clear about how scared and uneasy we feel around men and how women have evolved to have to resort to using the survival mechanisms in order to survive, but we should be telling men to not attack women. Something like men claw off our clothes and thrust themselves into us until they roar with gratification or something of that ilk that can match the iambic meter and rhyme.
As for the name of the collection, "Little Songs" is simple and is more or less what it says on the tin when it comes to sonnets. Hope all this helps.
Thanks for the feedback! I agree about needing stronger images, I'm not sure I want to go quite that graphic but I get your point and will work on the second draft.
@JosieAlfordPoet I mean, that's an extreme example, but yeah. Definitely stronger images to make it impactful as well.
The whole notion of 'courtship' as 'hunting', the desired as 'prey', could certainly do with a good kicking here, linking it to that long history whilst demonstrating what a sick and abhorrent metaphor / mindset it is - even a genuine hunter, the bear, is preferable to those who still operate within that framework.
Thanks for the comment ☺️
Please make a video on writing a Haibun. I’ve visited other channels, but I dont understand much, you teach so well. 🥹🥹
I will add it to the list 😁