What does limerence feel like? Dr. David Perl
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- Опубліковано 6 жов 2024
- If you feel you never heard of the word, "limerence”, no worry!
As the concept of limerence might not be very known yet, its meaning is widely felt across individuals from all over the world.
Have you ever felt obsessed and crazy “in love” with someone? Have you ever felt that everything that you could think of during the day was that person? Or have you caught up with yourself constantly fantasizing about someone even if there was no kind of interaction or relationship between the two? If yes, you might have experienced limerence.
If you are impacted by limerence, check out the community I founded in 2015 at limerence.net
We have a free forum, private members only forum, an online video program and regular zoom meetings plus other support. Id love to see you there and hear your story.
Dr. David Perl, couples counsellor, relationship coach and psychotherapist
Today I realize my Limerance is most likely a byproduct of my c-ptsd. I didn't realized how love deprived I've been all my life and get attracted to "love" easily (albeit far and few). Gawd I am messed up. But it's good to know this new word. Limerance. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, once you heal that on a deep level the limerence will clear up. I speak from personal experience.
@@philosophyjunkies6693 Wow, that would be amazing. Are you talking about healing abandonment, rejection and such by primary caregivers? I think that´s my way to go from now on.
Great gratitude for whoever discovered this term. Being aware that you are just in limerence is liberating.
Dorothy Tennov
I remember when I first realized I was in limerence it was almost crushing. Thinking of it as love sort of gave it meaning and made it feel bigger than myself, like I'm just a victim of this natural force which, while it has casualties like me, is an overall a positive aspect of human existence. Realizing that my mental illness is what ruined my life... The thought took some adjusting to. Of course in the long term it was very helpful for putting things into perspective and to an extent liberating myself from the feeling, yeah.
Based on your narrative, I have love, that was once limerance. I am no longer obsessed, but still think of him everyday. But now I have gone with my life, while still keeping a little space in my heart for him. I am now ready to meet another love interest.
Thank you
Thank you! This is one of the best videos about limerence. So many professionals explain it as a delusional state when it can in fact be normal if you're in the first stage of a healthy relationship.
Also too many people believe that you can get rid of it by "just not thinking about the person". It's impossible. You work on it by working on yourself, your past traumas, thinking patterns in general, beliefs about yourself and the world etc.
yes - totally impossible to just stop thinking of your LO - same as telling any addict to stop using their potion of choice
It took me a long time, about 8-9 years, but I eventually managed to suppress almost all thoughts about my LO. I think the key to it is being radical, you get rid of all possible reminders and you forbid yourself to even think about their name. I mentally now just refer to her as "that one person". I've been in limerence for about 12 years total and once I suppressed the thoughts, it stopped directly affecting my life, I don't feel depressed and suicidal most of the time anymore.
I feel rage against myself for not being able to finish with this intrusive enemy. I know there’s no future in that relationship but that knife penetrating my mind as soon as I wake up, even in the middle of the night, is emotionally killing me. Thanks for reading.
Sorry to read that Sandra, limerence is so tenacious
Ive found accepting it as part of who I am and not trying to fight it helps a lot
and spend less time consumed by your thoughts but rather acting as a witness to them and focus on the day and events infront of you
Oh my gosh me too. I've been waking up with instant adrenaline, not able to go back to sleep and the first thing I do is check my phone to see if my LO has messaged me. I've not been getting to sleep until late and the second I wake up in on overdrive, this isnt like me at all, i love my sleep
For me, one of the most significant underlying causes of limerence is the poor relationship I have with myself. I see it as an addiction that allows me to escape from the unpleasant companion that is my negative inner dialog. Obsession places the focus outside of myself in order to avoid facing the deeper truth. I am trying not to be angry at what I recognize as a very human desire - to be intimate with others - and instead seeking to treat myself with compassion because I know I am suffering.
limerence can also feel kind of good or great, and give you a reason to get up out of bed and do your best at what you do. For me its not all bad, as long as I stay with the realization that it's not going anywhere romantically or physically. It's just a fantasy that gives one hope which everyone needs some hope. I think that the trick is to be rational and know what it is and what it is not. Then you can be grounded with it, and get on with more important things, and keep your eyes open for something better which may come along... or might not.
What hope does limerence give you?
@@monmusuaficionado2132 It gives hope that there are interesting people out there, and also makes you spring out of bed and get things done for yourself. You channel that energy in to something good.
I have a suspicion that the source of limerence is trauma. Trauma+trauma bond=limerance. Thank you for this video.
Yes! Trauma bond equals limerence but first we how to understand the concept of limerence. When I read a book about this matter I realized that it's the same as hard drugs: The mind only remember the good times, of course the FIRST interactions but forgets how does it feel the next day. Terrible!
Yes most definitely, it occurs at any age from teenagers to 80-year-olds. And we don’t have to be in a long-term relationship to get Liverance
Limerence, not Liverance.😊
I just got out of a limerence friendship. Never saw this word before but it fits. It was infatuation and neediness on both sides but with no conclusion. It was a bad experience. Thanks for this video.
What do you mean by " No Conclusion? "
Trauma is a gift. Limerence can be a gift, if you have the right tools and perspectives to deal with it. The trick is not to cut off connection or avoid the person. That is just pushing the problem away without healing the tendency towards idolisation and need for validation.
There is a reason the wounded healer is an archetype. Trauma can open the door to sensitivity and gentleness. Poison is medicine. And all emotions are a gift of you’re on a more spiritual path.
Horrible!!! It feels like mental sabotage
Limerence is crushing, soul destroying. You're life is ruined as long as you are in it's grip. My heart goes out to my fellow limerents out there. Walk tall...it will go away eventually.
Feels like shit.
Yes...feels depressive
I could not agree more. Limerence…ruins lives.
Limerence sounds similar to being trauma bonded to a narcissist.
I knew I was in trouble when I had several nights without being able to sleep and was rerunning moments in my mind. Today, I advised my LO (who works in the next section to me) that we will be going 'no contact' on her return from Leave. This was not even a romance ... I'm 64 years old and have been married for 35 years ... while she is a 32 year old single Muslim woman who everyone at work just loves. She really doesn't need this workplace intrusive weirdness that I have brought to her. Somehow, I got this damn mind virus and have now deliberately outed myself (to my LO) so it forces me down the 'no contact' path. This was delicate because she works in HR. I have no idea how this happened but know I need to look at my own marriage, and start doing other positive things to work my way out of this terrible feeling. Today was a hard day ... but it offers some hope!
Sounds very similar to my current state of mind. You think like i do my friend. Good luck.
hmmm, what does it feel like? Kinda like losing your fvcking mind maybe?
Exactly. I am tired of this. When will it end? I’m
Losing my damn mind over a narcissist.
@@samia6888 1. I keep telling myself I'm not in love with a real person, I'm in love with a fantasy, or rather, a sort of monster I've created in my mind. 2. I focus on the real things in my life: school, art, wife, fellowship with other real people. I'm not getting better overnight, but it is helping slowly.
Update. I prayed to God to remove the obsession from my mind at it was. Now I'm dealing with the nervous system aftermath of the whole thing but this will pass.
having gone through this horror 4 times in my life, i can compare limerence to a gothic horror story about attraction to an inanimate object , or to a dead corpse. as far as reciprocation is concerned, it's the same thing. in some worse cases, the person that you turn into a limerent object would prey on your life and emotions like a vampire. do yourself a favor: try to find out more about that person before any emotional commitment. you may find out that they are into things that you wouldn't tolerate in any other context.
I’ve never felt this way before, what is happening to me! This description is exactly what I’m going through! It appears that in the last several months I have made my wife of 23 years the object of my obsession. I’m calling it soul mate and growing together and she is just confused and frankly annoyed. I’m going crazy.
at least it's your wife. Could be another woman.
Every 7 years our entire physical self dies to our million/billions of our whole body/mind cells and they’re replaced by new>You’re just experiencing that new reboot👉Congrats!🦋
I like medieval music and literature, but I have to acknowledge that the celebration of limerence - which underpins (undermines?) our whole concept of love and "romance" (the very word shows a debt to this medieval concept) has been a big wrong turn in our culture.
Embrace and accept it. Live with it and enjoy the love that is embedded in that state of mind. Dilute it by examining how you feel and projecting that love on to others, even those you dislike. In other words develop mindfulness by meditating. Try TMI. Works for me.
Its not love. And to tell someone who is paralyzed by obsession, especially to someone who is not interested, that they should embrace it and enjoy it, and enjoy the love, is a very reckless piece of advice. They should do the exact opposite. Their behavior is dangerous and cause from deep deep neglect and they probably are obsessed with someone who does not feel the same. To embrace those thoughts is the worst thing you can tell them.
@@MrAhuraMazda it is a form of love because it can make you appreciate life more, see the beauty in people more and can also inspire you to make art. It's not the same as a firm bond that comes with time and effort, but it is a form of love nevertheless.
Can we just stop redefining this deep, complex and abstract term just because it sounds "wise" to do so.
Description of limerence recalls Dante toward Beatrice, as he recounted his love at first sight of her in “la Vita Nuova.”
It says a lot that I stopped this video countless times to see if my LO has read my recent messages. This is so rough. He says he feels the same, he's said some amazing things but the barriers are still there and I'm starting the denial process, I keeo thinking that this must be my soul mate, the love kf my life who maybe I just met in the wrong lifetime. I know that this is limerence, but in his words "this doesn't sound like some crazy obession, this sounds and feels like love" I'm so messed up right now.
I know i need to cut contact, im doing it in person tomorrow, as we're friends and I want to give him that respect, but the last 4 days have been torture since he confessed how deep his feelings are too. Its not a relationship we can have though , so i need to let go
Any update? I hope you are doing much better 😊
@@catalinmihai909 im much better! He's now an Ex LO and has been for over a year, he turned out to be super manipulative and quite toxic... I guess I was lucky I spotted it!
It happened during my depression. It was started off euphoric.
It ended as the most traumatic experience of my life.
It’s weird for me because, while I do feel I’m experiencing limerence, part of it may be a timing issue and part of it a circumstance issue.
I worked for a man, many years ago. To my knowledge, he felt nothing for me, for almost a decade. I was quite aware that he was very attractive but, he had horrible temperament issues towards employees. Very difficult to deal with. Everyone feared him, including myself.
Then, it seemed that, suddenly, he kept staring at me. Because of the history, I didn’t quite know what to make of it. Was he staring or trying to intimidate me? He was also married so, as far as I was concerned, he was off limits and nothing was going to happen, no matter who felt what. He was also white and I’m black and he was absolutely handsome so, I just couldn’t see him even glancing my way, although many people have told me I’m attractive. But, he was in a different league, on several levels.
Still, the staring continued. There was lots of staring and innuendo, for about 3 years, until he left the company. I got a sense that it petered off a bit, because I wasn’t reciprocating and, this, despite the fact that he finally told me he thought I was sexy. Still, he must’ve been not only attracted to me, because of the way I thought and not as much as my shape, but I assume he was also bored with work and missing something in his marriage. Still, for him, I felt that there might be limerence, despite the fact that I’ve gotta say that the sexual tension between us, likely made for a more exciting life, for 3 years. Still, if he was more than attracted to me sexually, I also got a sense, that probably many women get, where a man who is married, becomes interested in them and he is entirely frustrated by the fact that he didn’t meet you before the wife and 3 kids. He would lie, if he had to, in order to have me in his office, he would defend me, which was out of character, and he didn’t seem to care how much I knew he was looking. For such an argumentative bastard, it was a complete change. He also called me an enigma, which led me to believe that, surprisingly, I was inside his head, more than I would ordinarily be, as just another employee that he had no regard for and how I’d been seen and treated, in the past. I have always been perplexed as to what caused him to suddenly change towards me and, nope, I’m definitely not attaching meaning to that which has none. I’m also not excusing him for his poor behavior. Yet, for me, and it may have been so for him back then, the heart wants what it wants, even if it wants an asshole. Maybe I detected something more, something quite different, underneath the bastard(he called himself) facade.
A few years after he left the company, his wife died. But, I’ve never heard from him.
Where timing hits again is that, while I’ve thought of him, insidiously, but consistently, over the years, I’ve recently had such a s spike in thinking about him. But, I think it’s because of the end of WFH, due to the pandemic. The sudden end of WFH threw me right into a depression, where I suddenly found myself trying to counteract it, by dieting, exercising and a constant barrage of obsessive thoughts about him. It’s been a rollercoaster.
Some would say, “Well, why don’t you just contact him!?” Because so much time has passed and, if I had to define what was going on or what he was feeling, honestly, I couldn’t. I also know that in most realms of life, presence is everything and, when a person isn’t present, it’s because they do not care anymore. He is also an extremely private person and might consider me in rafting him, about some “feelings” he may have had, years ago, a breach of his privacy. Although I doubt he’s remarried, he would be considered such a catch, to most women, someone has likely snatched him up.
Ultimately, perhaps, he felt a certain amount of limerence, back then and it seems to be my turn now. I’ve tried to date but, every man I look at seems to fall short of him. Many will tell me to just settle then and I agree. It’s just that settling must come with radical acceptance and it might become clear to a partner that that hasn’t happened.
Why don’t you just try contact him? You have literally nothing to lose!! You will suffer for ever unless you truly know for sure.
@@Majoyol had to reread that, it’s been so long. Sorry for the autocorrect errors.
I sent holiday wishes to him, 2 years ago, to test the waters. Still couldn’t gauge. Because he did respond, early the next morning, but it didn’t really “say” anything, but I didn’t really “say” anything either. Then, later that morning, a shared former colleague contacted me, seemingly poking around for where I was working. Could’ve been coincidence. But, I suspect he wanted to know, but is typically so secretive and careful, he probably didn’t want me to know he wanted to know. I’m not entirely into zodiac signs, but gee, such typical behavior for a Scorpio.
I finally wrote him, about a week ago - anonymously. He’s moved a few states away now. So, of course, the question is why. I needed to have some middle ground or a back door. As my expectations aren’t high, also some closure. I get better once I sent it, even if breaching his privacy might make him angry. But, I balanced it out and, yes you’re right. Because I’d feel absolutely horrible, if one of us died, before I said anything. Although none of what happened might have any meaning for him now, I still wanted to say what I could not say before.
To a bit of a comical point, if he received it and is wondering who the heck sent it, he’s been after a few women. I can see him now, absolutely perplexed.😆 But, we share colleagues and I just don’t want information to get out, that I’m chasing him, after time has passed.
But, if he knows who it’s from, the ball is in his court. If he does not respond, I won’t take it personally, could be for multiple reasons. He could be with someone, even married. He could be disinterested and doesn’t even remember things the same way I do. He could’ve, indeed, just seen me as a cure for boredom. Things I’d simply have to accept and move on. Life hasn’t been great and I’m used to that. We’ve also grown older and changed. People tend to hide, when they age. I do. But, it’s also that people age differently. While people often comment on how young I look, I know the reality. For him, although he’s older anyway, he looks significantly different, than he did. People might ask if I’d still be attracted then. Actually, I am. Because I think we have similarities and see some things, much the same.
But, I will never write him again and said so, in my letter. Although I didn’t mean for my letter to be a guessing game, I don’t beat a dead horse and he has the right to his privacy and to move on, even if it’s in pure solitude. I will always have memories, that keep life interesting, until the day I have memories no more.
The strangest thing as a child in the 4th & 5th grade I remember being in total limerence with Bart Simpson. If that isn’t a sign what does that tell you about me?
Great information. Thank you so much!
"It is not the same as being in love." That's not quite accurate. The subtitle of Dorothy Tennov's book, from where the term "limerence" originates, is literally "The experience of being in love."
it depends on how you define love. for me, limerence is not love, its infatuation. See this article for the differences between love and limerence limerence.net/12-things-love-is-and-12-things-limerence-is/
Just because it originates there doesn't make it accurate by todays definition.
Initial attraction and rumination needed a term.
@@damo9961 I agree with you demo and I did make a video on my private series about the confusion between terminology. There is a term called new relationship energy to describe that initial feeling that is akin to ligaments in any new relationship.
However with limerence because of the obstruction to crystallising the relationship, the feelings are intensified because desire is where attraction meets obstruction
No one can really define love. It’s a spectrum.
@@ivormutation3995 exactly!
How does it feel when limerence is ending?
The best feeling in the world.
Is this like an obsessed stalker,3.0 rediculous!!!!
yes - I Suspect many stalkers have limerence - we need to do a lot more to better understand and treat this condition. Many people I have treated for limerence exhibit stalkerish behavior
Could it have been the perfume she was wearing, or just they way she smelled, Or just another smell that was in the air when you first spoke to her that kicked the chemical reaction on your thoughts,
unlikely
Can Limerence occur in 20s or unmarried people?
Absolutely
Are you an Indian? I am from India and It has happened to me. But no one here knows about this concept.
ive worked with clients from many nationalities, races and religions. If you look on the limerence.net forum users can select their nationalities. We are global group! Limerence does not discriminate!