How to FIX an Emotionally Abusive Relationship | Dr. David Hawkins
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- Опубліковано 4 жов 2024
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Are you someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship and has decided, for now, to stay and work on the relationship? If so, then your next steps are critical in determining the direction that things will go. While you are certainly not responsible for fixing the marriage, your actions have as much of an impact on the relationship as your spouse’s actions. Find out what it means to show up well to whatever it is you are facing today, and what can happen when you are functioning in your best self.
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
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About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#abusiverelationships #relationship #abuse
My husband finally realized hes abusive. He has always needed to be right..making it impossible for him to compromise or self reflect. His defensiveness in arguments makes me feel hopeless... Ive been in therapy for 4 years..he used it for crazy making... using the fact that I'm in therapy means I'm the one that needs help... but we had a major blow up recently, he went to a level he had never.... but it clicked he saw himself ...finally... hes embarrassed... Hes admitted hes always defensive...he even said I became reactive because he was being unbearable. Hes finally seeking the help I've been begging for for years. I'm hanging on but I'm worn out...I need to see change
@DanOates1 honestly, show how much you value what she says, call out your own defensiveness, and take the time to figure out why youre like that. My husband used to take it all as a personal attack when it wasn't.... but how can you grow with someone that doesn't wanna grow?
Love her as Christ loved his church: steadfast committed courageous love. Read the gospels and see how Jesus cared for humanity. Then ask Him to show you how to love her like that... today! What one practical thing can you do each day to show her you care?. And...the hard one: Gods standard is that until you are married, her body is off limits. Respect. Honour. And build the relationship. Think about how you can actually serve her, instead of having her meet your supposed needs.
I’m going through this now, 15 years together and the past 2 years is where I started the narcissistic abuse to my wife. She finally left me day after Christmas and all I’ve been doing is reading up on my behaviors how I mistreated her. I want / need myself to change.
If he’s doing his end of the work, that’s a celebration!
Be sure to nurture yourself as well as the relationship.
Do you have things you love to do that give you a sanctuary space?
Best wishes to you!!!!
Praying over you! 🙏 God bless you.
The hurtful part of this video is that I’m a husband in an emotional abusive marriage. Husbands get abused too. Come on!
I totally agree...I've heard that too... men need respect same as us women... I wish you the best..
This, I believe has become much more common as modern culture projects a narrative of the opposite still while dismissing the pain and suffering of men. Some of us have different personality and background which impacts our dynamics, making us vulnerable. Hope that Dr Hawkins' has been helpful! Blessings 🙏
How do you explain to someone how their behavior makes you feel, if they believe your feelings are whats wrong, that you're just too sensitive? How can you make someone take ownership of hurtful behaviors, when they believe their behavior is my fault or that i deserved it? How do you communicate, listen, acknowledge the other side, come to a mutual understanding with someone who refuses to listen or to be wrong? How do you talk to someone who isnt listening? How do you invoke empathy with someone who doesn't feel a need to understand your perspective because they think your opinion Is too stupid to be worth listening to? How do you explain that you dont feel important or valued to someone who has no interest in how you feel? How do you be emotionally vulnerable with someone who wilI use your vulnerabilities against you? How do you build trust with someone who lies? How do you get someone to even just acknowledge your perception even if they don't agree, when they will just gaslight you?
When a women faces an abuser he will blame you and shame you cause he has worked so hard at crushing your confidence. You probably love him and your home but you have to save yourself so get some good books to read on understanding why he is destroying you and the home life, and also find a counsellor for yourself who is very familiar with abuse and the tricks they play to keep you stuck. Bless you as you work on you .
If this relationship is as you have described it then I would say the answer to your “how do you…?” get your partner to essentially communicate like a normal human being in a romantic relationship well, essentially you can’t get them to come around! Seems you have already explored these questions at length and keep arriving at the same conclusion. Empathy to you my suffering friend. I have a “relationship” with an avoidant (CN) who gratefully, isn’t as verbally abusive as your individual is but, the end result is the same. When it comes to true intimacy, emotional sharing, transparency, trust, healthy enmeshment…there is nothing I can say or do to persuade, convince, etc. to elicit a direct answer to those questions. Either she simply can’t, doesn’t know what I am asking, or flat refuses to discuss the issue. It doesn’t matter. The results are always the same, I don’t get my needs met.
I’m guessing at this point I need to decide if emotional nothing from my partner is something I am willing to accept or not?🤷♂️ I wish you peace and clarity.🙏
Good comment but she is still destroying me
I agree with all of this: a Narcissistic abuser will never accept responsibility for their behaviour & will turn it back ‘it’s u bring nasty/critical, not me’ etc
This is ditto my husband 😢
I didn’t get very far into this video. I think the only way to fix an emotionally abusive relationship is to leave one. There is a book called “why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Go read that book and finally see things clearly. Emotional abuse destroys you piece by piece.
For you, that can be true. But there is no one right answer for all relationships.
The Lundy Bamcroft books taught me a lot!❤
That told me absolutely nothing. But it was a down to earth advertisement
There is NO healing together with someone who says they don't have any issues and is unwilling to recognise their behaviours.
That's the point.
We can do everything by the book in giving healthy responses. But if the emotional abuser/narcissist is still abusive that's NOT our fault
I wouldn't ever commission a plumber to rewire my house. That's the best analogy I can give in expecting an emotional abuser/narcissist to change.
Leaving is the best part, i had a caregiver who was abusing me Emotionally, verbally and psychologically and i couldn't take it i ended up homeless but i felt happy when i got outz the neverending nightmare of abusers, why do they keep coming in my life when i clearly do not want them?
Lots of men get abused by toxic women too.
Thank you, someone finally said it.
Yes, some toxic women also do BUT it’s much more a man problem. I think he’s speaking to the majority.
@@susanturner9023 I strongly disagree, but we all are entitled to our opinion. Abuse is wrong regardless of which direction it goes we can agree on that. However there is an ever increasing (fast) growing number of VERY abusive women in many relationships. I’m not excusing the douche bag men, but it’s time to put women in the same category. Most men won’t admit it but the vast majority of us men have been abused in one way or another by a woman.
That "emphatic statement" is exactly why I clicked on this video. Thank you very much for clarifying that we (meaning us and our partner) cannot heal TOGETHER! ❤ Peace🙏🏼
What if you are a guy who is in an emotionally abusive relationship? I am lost and hurting. I just don't want to live anymore like this.
We understand so many of our videos are directed at women, although we have some specifically addressing men who are abused, such as this one: Relationship with a Female Narcissist - ua-cam.com/video/N68Ch10E51k/v-deo.html
Our videos on healing and recovering your identity apply to men as well. Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist:
ua-cam.com/play/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz.html
The only reason I have stayed is because I am in poor health and I can't afford to leave, but if these things are not an issue for you, I would leave her.They rarely change...
Yeah. I’m looking for answers as well. Seems like the choice we face is enduring verbal attacks, berating, name calling, yelling and torment OR being financially devastated, losing what you spent decades building/earning, rebuilding in your late 40s/early 50s and having reduced access to your children. Therapy is helping (I guess) but reading material and online content is angry, red pill, incel content or it’s women focused. Not everyone is looking to answer misandry with misogyny. But we do want answers that speak to the experience of not being able to access peace and having to pay royally for enduring and trying.
@@t.breeze8659 I totally understand.
This Dr. Is a professional so I hope he'll address that. One guy who has been in an abusive relationship is Richard Grannon. Also he has a channel, besides one in his name is Fortress Mental Health.
My husband is the one providing in the house.. I've tried finding a job but still not find one so due this my husband is abusing me emotionally... hmmm
Work on building a healthy relationship and falling in love with the person that you see everyday, who has been through so much pain and heartache, but still manages to gets through it all.❤️
💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Do you have a video that teaches men what to do when the female is being mentally abusive.
My wife is very very abusive physically. I can’t even live with my own thoughts. I have full time job and supporting the family. She is a nurse. She has many relatives rely on her income, but I don’t have on my side. I don’t have any problems with that, she wants me to do everything for her and for them
Take care of yourself...life is too short to suffer. Think what you want and need. It is not selfish if she is abusive.
I cant leave cuz i love him and couldn’t bare seeing him with someone else and treating them better than he has ever me. Im pretty sure he wld love for me to leave, i just refuse. Also dont want to give up whats half mine. N basically if i leave, i leave everything n end up with nothing but my clothes. He made sure it was ultimately set up like that.
Idk how to handle . I got abusive and depressed wife . Every little mistakes i made , she will give me verbal abuse , and physics abuse like kicking , hitting my head.
She has very depresed also , still traumatic. Im on level i cant stand anymore .
Actually I don't believe most narcissit behavior comes from women.. that is bull. I lived thru 23 years of emotional abuse from my husband. And his advice is right if you decide to work on yourself in the marriage. But the abuser will sabitosh your efforts. I know I went thru it. I had to leave to get healthy. Super hard to do when you feel so broken and helpless. Thanks for sensible advice. I do understand wanting to stay in the marriage. You are weak and their are numerous losses when you leave.
It’s not bull? He’s speaking the truth. Anyways, anyone can be emotionally abusive.
@@the6ixman416 It tends to look different when women are emotionally abusive to men, I'm sure most women don't recognize it and it is easy to just minimize it. I don't fault her for having her opinion, I mean in her world men are the abusers.
My sister lives in a relationship where the man doesnt want to work hard to be the main source of incomes he likes to be hanging around the house while she is working 10hrs a day… Everytime she thinks in divorce he uses the Bible saying ‘thats not Gods will and you know it you will break our sons heart’ he doesn’t want to cook or clean either. What to do?
He’s using the Bible to control her. That’s not godly at all
Run baby run.
What if the other half ( man or woman) won't go to therapy? Mine is controlling the electricity. No lights on at night time, one shower a week, he cooks because he says I waste the gas, no hair dryer, no ironing, calls names, never physically aggressive, needs tobtell me how to put the washing out, by the way we are in our 60s, tells me i can't do anything, latest is saying i eat more than him n eat all the time, saying I'm fat which im not, no affection, could go on.. I love him but i don't like the way he treats me. Talks down to me infront of people when he wants to. What is your advice to me please
Leave! That's severe abuse. Contact domestic abuse support and / or a trusted friend / priest if you have a religion / therapist in private. Watch more videos on abuse and getting self-care. You deserve better! There are people that care and want you to be safe and well. Even at that age you can and deserve to escape
@@lightgivener thank you so much, because as you know when you live in a situation it becomes the norm for the person being abused. I am preparing to sort things out but we have a business andI live in a E.U country and if one lives the domestic home they get nothing as it is classed as a abandoning the home. We have just put it up for sale so I'm hoping it goes quickly. But just being a le to talk to someone who understands helps. Thank you.
You know the crazy thing is he can have periods of not screaming at me but it never lasts for long. Anyway thank you so much for listening.
@@lovelyjubbly4151 of course! I know how hard it is and even though I thankfully haven't experienced anything as severe I still endured bad behaviour and know how hard it is to leave and say no. Start telling people you trust or a therapist so you get the support you need to!
Thank you just, thank you
Hope you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
Thank you.
What about the husband who repeatedly sacrifice everything still has to face blame and no freedom . Why everyone only discussing about the negative part of husband why not about the wife ..
I have a friend who is confused on whether she is abused or not. Her husband says she is not. Although she says he calls her nasty names when hes angry with her and now for the past couple of years he pulls her hair, kicks, slaps her face and trips her to fall on purpose. Sounds like abuse to me but he tells her shes such a bitch that hes too easy on her. He takes her phone away when he feels shes going to "accuse" him of abuse to others. Hes even asked her friends, including me to please not talk to her because shes a liar and needs help. How do i help such a friend?
Get her to a shelter! She is married to a narcissist and she needs to leave or it will get worse! When she is gone she needs to get information on Narcissist behavior because he will try to get her back. If she falls for it, he might try to kill her.
She can know with certainty: she is being both emotionally and physically abused. What he is doing there is NO excuse for. If she stays, it will not help him change. Only her drawing a very solid black line - via maybe even court order - is there any hope of him realising. Physical abuse, without intervention, will only go from bad to worse. Sad fact is: Physical abusers often murder. She needs to do different things to get different results, either in or out of the daily situation. Is she may e even able to get therapy herself to start finding her own voice? Please tell her a question will break his amygdala hijack fear cycle. So instead of pleading with him to stop a behaviour, she could ask " what would the boss at work think about this?" Or maybe even better : "(name), Is this really the sort of man that you want to be?" His brain MUST answer the question instead of acting out if fear, and it may pause or stop the abuse. But if possible, she should say it in a calm voice. And repeat it if she needs to. But studies show it is dangerous for her to stay. Leave, then reassess if she wants to keep the relationship.
I would also say: if he talks to you, then front him on it. Is there a way to register something with police without her? Or support her in going to police or helping find a womens shelter. At least find a few videos so she can learn what is a healthy relationship snd what is not. Words are essential to going free. Until you know what emotional or narcissistic abuse is, you can't really address it. Kids must know the words for sad or disappointment before they can deal with it. Giving her language and words gives her a voice, even if at first she is only brave enough to say those things in her head to herself. And encourage her. Build identity. Scriptural affirmations she can keep in a wallet. Anything he is unlikely to notice but that will constantly remind her that she is precious and worthy of respect.
Help her with an escape plan before he kills her. She needs to keep important papers, cash ,a spare key in her car.If she gets bruised, she needs to document it.She needs a restraining order. She needs the local domestic women's shelter on speed dial-put it under a second number under your name in her phone.
The BEST thing u can do is not give up on her. Maybe not be there everyday, but when she needs u definitely. This is clearly isolating abuse. I pray she gets free. Usually these victims are so isolated by the end that they have no-one when the time comes to leave. So be the person that stays
What if she won’t leave
Then, you lwave.
Id like to go
Nope nilch Nada who would want to work on something that never existed. 44 years. Had to leave to save my sanity not the rotten abuse.
Thanks for your feedback, there are situations where there is nothing left to be saved, but we work with couples who want to try to rebuild.
No
Sir, if you believe (I do not know) most narcissists are women, then you are not worth listening too. So where do you stand?
I an already Leary because the only good move for a victim is to run, run, run..
I did not run and it cost me everything.
I could win 80% if the battles but it takes too much energy that no one has if you plan on working.
No one would helo me because no one believed me. It never got past being ignored....
I have had to recover on my own but admittedly, it has made it way way much harder.
Narcissism affects both men and women, statistics would show it leans slightly more towards men. That said, most people who are thought to have NPD are actually somewhere on the spectrum, including women. When a couple comes to us we begin with an assessment of the behaviors and the thought patterns driving those behaviors and go from there. Dr. Hawkins tends to fall back on the male pronoun simply because he runs lots of programs for men and that is the demographic he primarily works with.
@@drdavidbhawkins
Thank you for taking the time.
Do you all know of any help for men in the metro Detroit area. I have had to go it alone for over 6 years and it is taking its toll on me. I have one last attempt to try and save my now 11 and 1/2 year old from growing up with out her daddy for teenage years.
I am the living proof now and I pray the judge is moved.
The kid is already messed up but I have the remedy.
If this don't work out, then I will let go and deal with a larger mess when she hits 18.
And I will be able to move where I need to
To be around someone who knows what it is like to be me.
YHWH bless you all
@@richhava God love you Richard!!! It’s so hard eh? My children were going into their twenties when I left my husband for 19 days. This was his ‘breakdown that led to a breakthrough’ thanks be to God. Boundaries boundaries boundaries will save your life. A book that helped me a lot was Dr. James Dobson ‘Love must be tough’. Thirty years of daily reactive abuse led unfortunately to panic attacks but the line drawn was finally taken seriously. My children considered me to be the bad guy because I made daddy cry. . Wish I could help you somehow. It is tough when you have children. There was so much my girls didn’t know and I put on a bold face for the sake of the family. My husband was not full blown NPD but had narcissistic traits. Some videos by Dr. Hawkins spoke directly to my heart through that most difficult time. We still have a long way to go. Yes many therapists say run and don’t look back. I was relieved to find Dr. Hawkins because he looked at this problem with such a different perspective and presented conclusions I was beginning to make which gave me hope. Maybe the whole Depp trial will help bring awareness to the world and will show that men can be victims too. I will pray for you Richard.
@@cynthiatbredfeldt2255
Thank you, Cynthia. I have written about my plight many times to the Christian world and you are the first person to ever offer prayer or even reply with compassion.
It is sad about abuses men but if I live long enough - it will change!!!
It's getting worse he's losing hisinf he's 75
Nope!!!!!
This video was 7 minutes too long, you leave.
@4:52 "you MUST have expert guidence!!!!!!!!!!!". This dude ran out of clients. One huge red flag right there: never let anyone tell you what you CAN and CANNOT DO! Not even your freakin "expert" "guidance" who may have their own pathologies
This is the most nonsensical rant about abuse that i ever heard. I feel sorry for whomever listens to this guy's really really dangerous advice. Dude whatever your name is, you need expert guidence of your own! You can "never EVER" heal by yourself! 😆
Useless video.
TLDR = (Get professional help and heres our advertisement) nothing practical.
Thank you.