I always wanted to get married and have 2 or 3 kids, I have frozen eggs since 36 years and I’m now with 41. I feel very sad that I can’t find a nice guy to have kids. I don’t feel too much guilt about the lack of dad since so many friends had horrible partners and marriages but I feel bad that people will jude us and I will have to have so much responsability.
I completely agree that it’s so hard to have to worry about others. The weight of responsible can be quite heavy too when we are solely responsible for our children. That’s why I think it’s so important to have a community of people around us for support (family and friends). It’s not the same as having a partner, but at times it can ease the responsibility.
Hi 👋 I am 29 and going through something similar. I’ve made the decision that if I don’t meet anyone by the age of 32 I may consider using a donor. It’s hard but I do want to experience motherhood some day sooner than later.
Dee Miranda I totally understand that. It’s important to have as many ducks in a row as possible before trying to conceive (whether you’re in a couple or you’re single), so if you haven’t already done so, start saving and planning your mom life (how much maternity leave do you get? Who will watch my child when I go back to work? Do I need a larger place? Schools?). Doing this will help the time pass and you’ll be ready whether you’re having your baby with a partner or not.
Hi! I froze my eggs too! At same age. And now I'm 41 as well like you. How have you been since this last post. I see it's been a year so not sure if you decided to be single mom.
Its also possible to maybe find someone to co parent with but not have to worry about a relationship, but that could get messy just as a real relationship could. I think being a single mother by choice is 10000% acceptable. Just because there isnt a man/partner in your life, doesnt mean you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy the wonderful gift.
When I was depressed after loosing my first son I was looking for TTC videos on UA-cam and ironically I found your channel. It helped me through the grieving process and eventually I got pregnant a little after you did.
Yea I had no idea it was you because you were going by a different name so I'm like maybe she has a twin haha until we connected on fb I was like yep that's her and thank you for the kind words.
I'm 41 ttc smbc also. I'm in my 2nd tww. I wanted the whole package when it came to family but that just didn't happen. So I waited until I was financially stable mentally and emotionally stable as well. I trust God will build up a community around me and my child. But I refuse to let anybody make me feel bad for deciding to be a single mother by choice
I agree advocating for yourself band your child. I lost my first son at 37 weeks basically 9 months due to a placental abruption and blood clots. I was in the hospital the previous week due to high blood pressure but it went down. I told them my concerns they checked his heart rate and it was normal and they said he's probably not moving as much because there's less room. But it was my first pregnancy and I just listened to the Dr. I wish I would have listened to my motherly instinct. 5 days later at my weekly visit he was gone. These Drs. Think if your young healthy nothing can happen but unfortunately young Mother's or older women can suffer complications. My second son I had a really good team and I was comfortable with my Drs. I'm glad you switched Dr with your daughter.
Alex, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the incompetence of the doctors. I think that we often put so much faith in these practitioners who’ve had so much training that we forget to listen to that little voice inside us. Our instincts have been getting us by in this world for as long as humans have been on this planet. I definitely learned that I should never be embarrassed or worried about questioning anyone (especially doctors). God bless your little one; you’ve got a little guardian angel up there ❤️
Just wanted to say that I am so glad you have chosen to continue sharing your journey! I found your channel shortly after you started it, and it has been a big help to me in deciding to move forward in the SMBC process. I also wanted to point out that there is a Single Mother's By Choice forum that is really helpful in finding a community of women that understand and support one another through this unique journey. I live in the Midwest, so it is a bit harder to meet up. However, I know there is a bigger group in your area and they seem to plan outings more regularly. It might be worth checking out. Thanks again!
Wow! Thank you for your support and thank you for sharing that information. Can you please share the link to the forum? I’d love to see if I can join an outing this summer 😊
@@christinastarr6301 I live in Nebraska, so a bit of distance from Ohio unfortunately. The site I mentioned does have 23 members in Ohio, so you might be able to find a group in your city!
I hope I never feel this way. The way I see it I am 100% doing my kids a favor by not being married and having them by choice. Not only are they wanted and loved and coming into a family that can take care of them. But also smbc house holds raise just as happy and stable kids as two parent households( that are in a healthy relationship). I love it because there are no risks when it comes to things like fighting in front of the kids and then that causing trauma or even worse divorce. But these feelings are so so balid
Over time I’ve actually realized that my concerns really have to do with the feelings I have about myself. I just always imagined myself getting married and having children with a partner. I know that what matters in a family is love, quality time, safety, and stability. As long as my child has these elements it doesn’t truly matter if I have a partner or not. I can’t say that my feelings and fears have completely changed and gone away, but my child is so happy and healthy that it makes me feel as though I’m doing something right.
That is literally not true. Children from single parent households have worse life outcomes on average. Sorry it hurts your feelings, and I don't judge you - now that you have kids all that's left is to do the best you can, and I'm sure you're doing a great job. But do not cope using delusion, do not cope by burying your head in the sand. I am a product of a single mother household, and it absolutely counts as trauma, and it affects your psyche in ways you cannot imagine. For example girls with absent fathers are at risk of becoming transgender; guess what, I ended up as female-to-male transgender. Without a father in the house, my brain needed to create the masculinity I craved, and now I need to mentalize myself as a man in order to feel safe from the all-consuming enmeshment of my single mother which created a pervasive sense of ugliness and scarcity in my everyday world. If I wasn't such a skeptic, I could have destroyed my body by fully transitioning. Living isolated with a mother causes you to be disgusted by women. When you go through puberty your body feels sexual arousal and you are forced to be around your mother all the time while you feel that way, and it is disgusting, violative and horrible. I am now trying to date and create a family with two monogamous parents so my kids will have resources from 2 parents, and it is so incredibly difficult with no mental models of partnership from my childhood. I literally cannot become attracted to men by going on dates with them. The only way I can become attracted to men is by developing the relationship in surreptitious and indirect ways, and obviously that is unhealthy, so I just have to force myself to develop a relationship with a man I don't love while feeling zero romance. This is because your Attachment Style is so profoundly shaped by your relationship with your parents, and my mother limited my father's access to me. So my brain is only attracted to absent men. Single parenting sets your children up to only feel attraction in neglectful romantic relationships. On top of all this it will set your children back even further if you brainwash them to believe that the way they were raised is normal and okay, which my mother did as well. It's taken me 10 years as an adult to undo the brainwashing, to see myself as someone who *belongs and thrives in* a relationship instead of an eternally unlovable soul. 10 years to figure out that constantly identifying myself as "bisexual" hurts my chances with men, that polyamory is not a fruitful place to find love, etc, etc. 10 years to understand men at all. I think this all would have been faster if my mom could have leveled with me when I was in my late teens to tell me she regretted her choices and I deserved a father in our house. Now she is remarried, and she became happy for the first time in 25 years, finally able to stop her addictions to sugar, food, and shopping - because guess what! Living with a partner is the way most of us are meant to exist. Her addictions existed to numb her loneliness. If my mother didn't have delusions about single parenting being "better" than the child witnessing relationship problems (this is statistically untrue), she could have found happiness sooner. If I cannot find a committed father for my children and cultivate a successful marriage, I will not have any children. I would never put a child through what I went through.
Your children will want to know who their father is when they grow up and may feel they missed out on things due to not having him in their lives. There's no point denying reality. Ask people brought up in single parent households.
@@powderandpaint14 Growing up in a single parent household by circumstance is completely different than by choice. So it would be smart to ask a child of a single parent by choice. Since they are completely different and yield different results. And I would still tell the kids the truth about their conception and how they came to be they can’t long for a father that never left. Maybe for a father they never had but again that’s different than just having a dad that walked out or died or was abusive or toxic. We are up to 60% of marriages ending in divorce. People shouldn’t just stop having kids because marriages are falling through, That goes for women and men.
@@serenasimms1400 you're kidding yourself if you think kids can't long for a father who never left. Ofcourse people wonder and sometimes wish they knew their father who they never met. Kids start asking questions when they're toddlers about "where's my daddy" etc. If you would be honest that's great but you have to be realistic too.
Thank you for this video and especially for sharing your occasional feelings of guilt for not raising your daughter with a partner. I am in the process of TTC as a SMBC myself. And while this exact feeling is the only thing that makes me hesitant or ambivalent, however it can be quite overwhelming. And I´m not even pregnant yet!
@@SingleMotherByChoice No worries! Since I wrote that message I have been blessed with a healthy baby girl born in March! I have never been happier! Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm 31 & am considering this, as I would really like to have a child before issues start cropping up with my fertility, as I get older!
@@SingleMotherByChoice Thanks! I've decided to go with IVF so I can have full sibling embryos in cold storage. I've just had my 1st appointment with the fertility doc, & chosen a donor :)
Im 41 and the issues have started plus just got out of a relationship. Its either now or never at this point. Wish I had looked into this in my early 30s. You're doing the right thing!
I know exactly how you feel about the guilt you feel having a child single. It’s the biggest thing I struggle with about going ahead with TTC in a few months. I grew up without a dad and met him at 17, so all my life I was very much when I have a child I want to give them everything I didn’t , I want then growing up having a father, because I know how it feels having that hole and that unknown feeling. Here I am at 36, not met a partner, knowing that if I wait any longer I could be one of those women who never find someone in time and never has a child. I also know many women who in their late 30s couldn’t conceive. There are people out there who would be like if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, i.e. if you don’t find a man and go without having a child it’s what God and the universe have designed for you and that’s ok. No it’s not ok, I want a child and even though I feel guilty and will probably forever I know I want to be a mother and would regret in my old age not attempting to conceive. So as I said your not alone in how you feel for sure. ☺️ Also I explained it to friends, all who had dads, some married with kids, none of them get it, they’re like having a baby by yourself is great it’s all jazz hands, when that’s not how I feel. For me having a child via IUI feels artificial and not natural like with a partner so it doesn’t feel like yay woohoo especially when all I really want is to have a partner and have a child that way. Friends don’t get that and for me I’ve decided it will be psychologically healthier for me not telling friends each time I try and conceive or take a pregnancy test. So I can balance my own emotions and not have ppl really excited or really disappointed. As you said the love you show your child outweighs everything although we are human and will feel how we feel.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. We are along the same lines when it comes to going at it alone. Although I don’t regret my decision and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I’m also sad that I haven’t been able to share this amazing experience with a partner. I, like you, just couldn’t wait to meet the right guy because we have a clock ticking as women (it was a now or never moment in my life). Thank you so much for validating my feelings because it makes me feel less alone.
@Candy C Sorry if I was unclear in my post, but I was in no way saying I was looking for any Tom Dick or Harry to be in a relationship with. I said I am going ahead to a clinic in a few months to be a single mum by choice.
@@SingleMotherByChoice Thanks, I don't think I'm going to regret having a child either, I believe I would regret it if I don't. I just think why should we not get a chance at motherhood like other women in relationships? Like you say we have this biological clock and if we didn't then yes I would keep looking for a partner but as we do I know overall the best decision for myself is the one I'm making. Part of me is feeling guilt, part of me is nervous but then part of me is like wow I get to be a mother something I've always wanted. When my mum died and left me without any family (the worst time of my life) I went to a bereavement support group, there were a few old ppl there without any kids, they had lost their partners and one of the things they kept saying is they wish they had of been able to have children because they are sooo alone now and that was it for me I was like that can not be me, my mum would not want that for me. That's why any hesitation i feel is being out ranked by that.
Omg something similar helped me decide as well. I know a few people who are older than I am and one in particular is also an only child. She really doesn’t have blood relatives once her mother passes; I really saw myself in her and didn’t want that to be my future. I felt the need at that point to start my own family whether or not I had a partner.
Thank for this video, i am 30, my experience is similar to yours if not only the same.Am a single mom of 2 kids . Facing lots of challenges being a single mom
I don't plan on having kids for at least 6 years, and I have already found the man I plan on marrying. Yet here I am watching your videos! Haha. For some reason I found your videos very interesting and I just stumbled upon the SMBC community. Y'all are strong and amazing women!
That’s awesome that you’re in a happy relationship! Thank you for checking out my channel and for your support; it’s not easy being a single mom, but when you’re not lucky-in-Love, but desire a family, I’m happy that this was an option for me. Hopefully I can be lucky-in-Love in the future. Thanks again for watching and reaching out ❤️
Wonderful video! Agreed. I’d love for you to do a video of which things you’re doing differently this time while ttc #2! Products, mindset, donor bank, etc. please!😁💜
I like what you said about trust. I actually lost s friend after I told him I was pregnant, he basically said what i was doing was wrong and said he suspected i had mental health issues, because why would I choose to have a baby on my own 🙄
Wow 😮. That doesn’t sound like a good friend at all. Not everyone has to agree with our choice, but to say that you have mental health issues for wanting to be a mom is really an extreme comment to make. Sounds like he did you a favor because now you know he’s not actually a good friend.
Maybe they feel threatened by single moms. I’ve gotten the most hate from men on this video (all negative comments that I come across get deleted). There’s no need for that because I don’t hate men, I just haven’t met someone that I’d like to share my life with.
Wow, that reaction seems unhealthy, to say the least. I think we have to expect people being threatened by this and educate them on the topic but if they start acting negative, then to cut them out of our lives. I noticed that women at my work in high powered positions who are used to making important decisions on their own and who had babies on their own don’t even take any negative opinions by men or other women into consideration. They don’t even worry about it, as if it’s a total nonsense.
I think I can understand his perspective, there are issues with bringing up a child from the very start with no Dad in their life and we can't deny that.
Ask her why. He may be good to you but not to her and if she if refusing to let him see you it is most likely because he won't do it peacefully while keeping his focus on you. Many dads are not able to separate from their anger and pain enough to co-parent peacefully. Some moms are like that too.
your dad had rights, and could have seen you had he wanted. He could have had 50/50 custody. Keep in mind men have habit of blaming everything on the woman. my dad told me when I was 9 that he was leaving and wouldnt ever see me again "because he and my mom just dont get along." Ie, mom's fault. Despite the fact that I saw him choke my mom twice, and he abused me as well. Now as an adult, I laugh and call him an a$$hole. :) excuses, excuse. men will always have excuses to abandon their children.
I feel guilty sometimes because I met the man I'm certain I will marry when my baby was 8 months old. I didn't in my wildest dreams ever think i would meet anyone and was okay with that- then he came along!! I dont regret my baby at all but sometimes I feel if only this man came along 2 years ago. My baby is now 1 and I'm used to being a single parent, but sometimes I feel like I'm not enough for him on my own and thankfully I have lots of family to babysit but I even feel guilty about asking them sometimes because I feel like my baby is my "issue"
It’s so great that you’ve found a great guy! I think that your baby will have two great people in their life caring for them. Even though your guy isn’t the biological dad hopefully he’ll step up as a good father figure. I totally get what your saying about asking family for help. I often feel like asking my mom to watch my daughter at times while I clean or go grocery shopping is asking for too much because it was my choice to have a baby alone and I should do everything myself all the time. I’ve quickly learned that that’s just not true. I still feel guilty asking sometimes, but I just need help some days and that’s ok.
Thanks for sharing this and being transparent. I too would like to do this since I'm older now and its tougher to find a good quality man who wants the same things I do. Joe has it been so far for you and baby??
It’s definitely harder the older you are as a woman. I’m doing well and I’m enjoying motherhood. It’s not to say that it’s not tough at times (it is), but I have such a supportive family that it makes it easier. As for dating, I’m happily single!
Thank you! Sometimes I wonder if I’m over sharing, but this is just me 😝. I also want to be completely honest because I don’t want to pretend that being a SMBC is always sunshine and roses; I’d hate for anyone to feel bad about their decisions or their life because mine is seemingly “perfect”.
Hey! I enjoyed your content minus the dig at Long Island. I am from Nassau county and not all of us are snobs. My bestfriend is from Brooklyn as well and she can't stand Long Island. To the point she commutes from Brooklyn to Suffolk county everyday...lol I'm debating on whether I want to go this route or foster to adopt. What made you go this route vs other options?
Hi, Thanks so much for checking out my channel and for reaching out. I don’t mean to offend and I know by sharing my opinion it will ruffle feathers, but my experience has been that Long Island people lean towards being conservative and are less accepting of diversity. I’m just not comfortable here, but with that being said, I have met some nice people here who don’t fit the mold. I try to always stay open, but in general that’s my opinion 😬 😊. Before starting this journey to becoming a single mom by choice I did always think that I’d adopt a child regardless of whether or not I had biological children. However, the reality is that the process is a lot harder and much much more expensive. I also didn’t feel confident that I’d be considered to adopt a child being a single mother who was not very wealthy. In the end having a biological child using fertility methods was just a more realistic and affordable option for me. I’d still consider adoption now if the opportunity presented itself. Thanks again for watching and for reaching out!
@@SingleMotherByChoice I wasn't offended... I understand your position my BFF feels the same way about Li. Thanks for your perspective. There are alot of hoops you have to jump to for adoption.
I thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations, opinions and lesson learns. I’m 20 (turning 21) will be TTC as a Single mom by choice around the end of the year beginning of next year. You points really help me think and prepare what I need to, as I get ready for such.
Hi! I am not one to judge someone for their decisions, but I am also curious to know. I don’t know if many women consider freezing their eggs? It’s actually a great time to do it if you’re worried about not meeting the right person in time to start a family. I wish you luck with whatever path you choose to take!
@@nomsantsoane3984 ive actually been thinking about this for a while.. I’m completely non-sexual person. A lot of people have a hard time accepting that, especially when I was in relationships since I was was not able to satisfy them in the way they need (which I understood). Family and more always told me it’d be impossible for me to have children on my own if I didn’t adopt or get over myself. I knew personally, not only do I have nothing to prove but I don’t need to convince myself or have people pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do for something I can do on my own. And for me that’s why I chose to be SMBC because I’m ready to move forward and have a family with or without someone who can support me. It feels like the right choice for me 🥰
Hello how are you doing I just have one question in the event that this child is 18 19 years old out here in the world and decides to want to know who his or her father is what are you planning to do about that.
Hi! Thanks for the question. I actually selected an open donor, so if she decides to reach out to her donor she can. We are also in a private Facebook group with her half siblings, some of which are older, so she may get the chance to meet him or know about him earlier than that. I support my child in whatever she chooses (to meet him or not).
Hey , thanks for making this video... I’m really thinking about it .. and need someone to talk to ... can you recommend a group and someone I can talk too .? Thank you
Hi! I am always available to help out, but there are some Facebook groups that women can join. There’s the group titled Single Mothers by Choice and there’s a group for women of color called MOCHA SMC’s. To reach me you can always email me at singlemotherbychioce@gmail.com (copy and paste it because there’s a spelling error in my email address 🤦🏽♀️.
Have you dated since becoming a single mother by choice? Do you still want a romantic relationship or are you open to marrying and your daughter having a stepdad?
Hi! I haven’t and currently don’t have an interest. I’m so busy and when I’m not working I spend my time with my daughter; she’s still young and still likes hanging out with me, so she’s the priority. I know some single parents that chose to date and they make it work, but I’m content in my life right now. Thanks for checking in!
Hi! Thanks for reaching out. We are doing well! My daughter is turning three soon and starting nursery school in the fall. I’ll be heading back to work at that time, so there will be a lot of change for us in the near future. Postpartum depression was tough to deal with, especially because I was in denial about having it. Right around the time I was finally starting to feel like myself again (about 1 1/2 after giving birth) the pandemic put us in lockdown. This time made me realize how important it is to have a village; being home alone 24/7 with a toddler with no place to go was difficult. Now that things are opening up again, it’s been a lot better. Thanks again for reaching out and checking in! I’m happy to answer more questions if you have any.
@@SingleMotherByChoice thanks for the quick response! So glad to hear things are getting better for you both. I'm thinking of doing smbc too so any tips would help. Have you experienced anyone in community treating you diff or any of the sort, as to why you chose this route etc... and is your baby having difficulty with other friends when seeing other kids with fathers?
No one has treated me differently to my face so far. I think that once you’re a parent you’re just part of the club; we all have ups and downs and want to support each other (at least that’s been my experience). My daughter is only 2 and she’s learning that all families look different. Some people have a traditional family with a mom and dad, some have two moms or two dads, some have just grandparents or aunts/uncles. She hasn’t encountered any issues so especially because the people typically at the park with their kids are moms.
One more question .... And the event that you start to get much older and you start to take on health problems or your child starts to take on health problems who will you tell your child to look at if you can't help them if she or he has no father explain to me what you would explain to him when they are trying to find out what's really wrong because problems don't happen until later in life with a lot of us please just explain to me what you would exactly explain to your child that does not have a father and that does not know any history of his father or her father please explain to me what you would tell them
Well when you’re a donor you go through genetic testing. I have also gone through genetic testing and neither of us had a genetic predisposition to any illnesses or genetic abnormalities. So if anything does come up it may have to do with lifestyle choices. Again she will have access to her donor at some point in the next 15 years or so. I’m sure that we will all be just fine. I also have a strong family support system to help us get through any challenges. Thanks for your concern and for your question Keith.
i know this is a troll comment but actually genetic testing is more in depth than meeting a man in the wild. The mom is tested and the donor as well. Meeting a stranger and then making a child can result in lots of outcomes. hardly anyone out here knows their genetics.
You’re taking accountability, for that you deserve a sub. Hope you can educate these young a dumb women, be sure to tell them they won’t be young forever and the choices of today will affect how we live tomorrow.
I definitely keep it real with younger people that if marriage or a long term relationship is what they want, they should make sure that it is also a priority in their life as they enter college or enter the workforce.
I always wanted to get married and have 2 or 3 kids, I have frozen eggs since 36 years and I’m now with 41. I feel very sad that I can’t find a nice guy to have kids. I don’t feel too much guilt about the lack of dad since so many friends had horrible partners and marriages but I feel bad that people will jude us and I will have to have so much responsability.
I completely agree that it’s so hard to have to worry about others. The weight of responsible can be quite heavy too when we are solely responsible for our children. That’s why I think it’s so important to have a community of people around us for support (family and friends). It’s not the same as having a partner, but at times it can ease the responsibility.
Hi 👋 I am 29 and going through something similar. I’ve made the decision that if I don’t meet anyone by the age of 32 I may consider using a donor. It’s hard but I do want to experience motherhood some day sooner than later.
Dee Miranda I totally understand that. It’s important to have as many ducks in a row as possible before trying to conceive (whether you’re in a couple or you’re single), so if you haven’t already done so, start saving and planning your mom life (how much maternity leave do you get? Who will watch my child when I go back to work? Do I need a larger place? Schools?). Doing this will help the time pass and you’ll be ready whether you’re having your baby with a partner or not.
Hi! I froze my eggs too! At same age. And now I'm 41 as well like you. How have you been since this last post. I see it's been a year so not sure if you decided to be single mom.
Its also possible to maybe find someone to co parent with but not have to worry about a relationship, but that could get messy just as a real relationship could. I think being a single mother by choice is 10000% acceptable. Just because there isnt a man/partner in your life, doesnt mean you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy the wonderful gift.
Love how you said a healthy home with loving supportive people are more important than an inconsistent father or what not
There is no healthy home without the biological father presence in the children life and upbringing.
When I was depressed after loosing my first son I was looking for TTC videos on UA-cam and ironically I found your channel. It helped me through the grieving process and eventually I got pregnant a little after you did.
Omg! I had no idea. What an honor ❤️. I’m so glad that I could help in any way possible. You’re a strong woman and a great mommy.
Yea I had no idea it was you because you were going by a different name so I'm like maybe she has a twin haha until we connected on fb I was like yep that's her and thank you for the kind words.
I'm 41 ttc smbc also. I'm in my 2nd tww. I wanted the whole package when it came to family but that just didn't happen. So I waited until I was financially stable mentally and emotionally stable as well. I trust God will build up a community around me and my child. But I refuse to let anybody make me feel bad for deciding to be a single mother by choice
I agree advocating for yourself band your child. I lost my first son at 37 weeks basically 9 months due to a placental abruption and blood clots. I was in the hospital the previous week due to high blood pressure but it went down. I told them my concerns they checked his heart rate and it was normal and they said he's probably not moving as much because there's less room. But it was my first pregnancy and I just listened to the Dr. I wish I would have listened to my motherly instinct. 5 days later at my weekly visit he was gone. These Drs. Think if your young healthy nothing can happen but unfortunately young Mother's or older women can suffer complications. My second son I had a really good team and I was comfortable with my Drs. I'm glad you switched Dr with your daughter.
Alex, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the incompetence of the doctors. I think that we often put so much faith in these practitioners who’ve had so much training that we forget to listen to that little voice inside us. Our instincts have been getting us by in this world for as long as humans have been on this planet. I definitely learned that I should never be embarrassed or worried about questioning anyone (especially doctors). God bless your little one; you’ve got a little guardian angel up there ❤️
Just wanted to say that I am so glad you have chosen to continue sharing your journey! I found your channel shortly after you started it, and it has been a big help to me in deciding to move forward in the SMBC process. I also wanted to point out that there is a Single Mother's By Choice forum that is really helpful in finding a community of women that understand and support one another through this unique journey. I live in the Midwest, so it is a bit harder to meet up. However, I know there is a bigger group in your area and they seem to plan outings more regularly. It might be worth checking out. Thanks again!
Wow! Thank you for your support and thank you for sharing that information. Can you please share the link to the forum? I’d love to see if I can join an outing this summer 😊
I live in the midwest where do you live ? I live In Ohio
@@christinastarr6301 I live in Nebraska, so a bit of distance from Ohio unfortunately. The site I mentioned does have 23 members in Ohio, so you might be able to find a group in your city!
Thank you so much for the information!!!
I hope I never feel this way. The way I see it I am 100% doing my kids a favor by not being married and having them by choice. Not only are they wanted and loved and coming into a family that can take care of them. But also smbc house holds raise just as happy and stable kids as two parent households( that are in a healthy relationship). I love it because there are no risks when it comes to things like fighting in front of the kids and then that causing trauma or even worse divorce. But these feelings are so so balid
Over time I’ve actually realized that my concerns really have to do with the feelings I have about myself. I just always imagined myself getting married and having children with a partner. I know that what matters in a family is love, quality time, safety, and stability. As long as my child has these elements it doesn’t truly matter if I have a partner or not. I can’t say that my feelings and fears have completely changed and gone away, but my child is so happy and healthy that it makes me feel as though I’m doing something right.
That is literally not true. Children from single parent households have worse life outcomes on average. Sorry it hurts your feelings, and I don't judge you - now that you have kids all that's left is to do the best you can, and I'm sure you're doing a great job. But do not cope using delusion, do not cope by burying your head in the sand.
I am a product of a single mother household, and it absolutely counts as trauma, and it affects your psyche in ways you cannot imagine. For example girls with absent fathers are at risk of becoming transgender; guess what, I ended up as female-to-male transgender. Without a father in the house, my brain needed to create the masculinity I craved, and now I need to mentalize myself as a man in order to feel safe from the all-consuming enmeshment of my single mother which created a pervasive sense of ugliness and scarcity in my everyday world. If I wasn't such a skeptic, I could have destroyed my body by fully transitioning. Living isolated with a mother causes you to be disgusted by women. When you go through puberty your body feels sexual arousal and you are forced to be around your mother all the time while you feel that way, and it is disgusting, violative and horrible. I am now trying to date and create a family with two monogamous parents so my kids will have resources from 2 parents, and it is so incredibly difficult with no mental models of partnership from my childhood. I literally cannot become attracted to men by going on dates with them. The only way I can become attracted to men is by developing the relationship in surreptitious and indirect ways, and obviously that is unhealthy, so I just have to force myself to develop a relationship with a man I don't love while feeling zero romance. This is because your Attachment Style is so profoundly shaped by your relationship with your parents, and my mother limited my father's access to me. So my brain is only attracted to absent men. Single parenting sets your children up to only feel attraction in neglectful romantic relationships.
On top of all this it will set your children back even further if you brainwash them to believe that the way they were raised is normal and okay, which my mother did as well. It's taken me 10 years as an adult to undo the brainwashing, to see myself as someone who *belongs and thrives in* a relationship instead of an eternally unlovable soul. 10 years to figure out that constantly identifying myself as "bisexual" hurts my chances with men, that polyamory is not a fruitful place to find love, etc, etc. 10 years to understand men at all. I think this all would have been faster if my mom could have leveled with me when I was in my late teens to tell me she regretted her choices and I deserved a father in our house. Now she is remarried, and she became happy for the first time in 25 years, finally able to stop her addictions to sugar, food, and shopping - because guess what! Living with a partner is the way most of us are meant to exist. Her addictions existed to numb her loneliness. If my mother didn't have delusions about single parenting being "better" than the child witnessing relationship problems (this is statistically untrue), she could have found happiness sooner.
If I cannot find a committed father for my children and cultivate a successful marriage, I will not have any children. I would never put a child through what I went through.
Your children will want to know who their father is when they grow up and may feel they missed out on things due to not having him in their lives. There's no point denying reality. Ask people brought up in single parent households.
@@powderandpaint14 Growing up in a single parent household by circumstance is completely different than by choice. So it would be smart to ask a child of a single parent by choice. Since they are completely different and yield different results. And I would still tell the kids the truth about their conception and how they came to be they can’t long for a father that never left. Maybe for a father they never had but again that’s different than just having a dad that walked out or died or was abusive or toxic. We are up to 60% of marriages ending in divorce. People shouldn’t just stop having kids because marriages are falling through, That goes for women and men.
@@serenasimms1400 you're kidding yourself if you think kids can't long for a father who never left. Ofcourse people wonder and sometimes wish they knew their father who they never met. Kids start asking questions when they're toddlers about "where's my daddy" etc. If you would be honest that's great but you have to be realistic too.
Thank you for this video and especially for sharing your occasional feelings of guilt for not raising your daughter with a partner. I am in the process of TTC as a SMBC myself. And while this exact feeling is the only thing that makes me hesitant or ambivalent, however it can be quite overwhelming. And I´m not even pregnant yet!
Hello! I hope that you’re doing well. Sorry for my late response and I hope that you’ve experienced success on your journey!
@@SingleMotherByChoice No worries! Since I wrote that message I have been blessed with a healthy baby girl born in March! I have never been happier! Thanks again!
CONGRATULATIONS 🎉
I’m so happy for you and I’m so glad to hear that you and baby girl are doing well!
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm 31 & am considering this, as I would really like to have a child before issues start cropping up with my fertility, as I get older!
Hi,
I’m glad that I could be helpful in any way. Keep me posted on your journey and I’m always here if you need to chat!
@@SingleMotherByChoice Thanks! I've decided to go with IVF so I can have full sibling embryos in cold storage. I've just had my 1st appointment with the fertility doc, & chosen a donor :)
Im 41 and the issues have started plus just got out of a relationship. Its either now or never at this point. Wish I had looked into this in my early 30s. You're doing the right thing!
@@dollhouseq1530 I hope you're better now and you have great baby!
I know exactly how you feel about the guilt you feel having a child single. It’s the biggest thing I struggle with about going ahead with TTC in a few months. I grew up without a dad and met him at 17, so all my life I was very much when I have a child I want to give them everything I didn’t , I want then growing up having a father, because I know how it feels having that hole and that unknown feeling.
Here I am at 36, not met a partner, knowing that if I wait any longer I could be one of those women who never find someone in time and never has a child. I also know many women who in their late 30s couldn’t conceive. There are people out there who would be like if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, i.e. if you don’t find a man and go without having a child it’s what God and the universe have designed for you and that’s ok. No it’s not ok, I want a child and even though I feel guilty and will probably forever I know I want to be a mother and would regret in my old age not attempting to conceive. So as I said your not alone in how you feel for sure. ☺️
Also I explained it to friends, all who had dads, some married with kids, none of them get it, they’re like having a baby by yourself is great it’s all jazz hands, when that’s not how I feel. For me having a child via IUI feels artificial and not natural like with a partner so it doesn’t feel like yay woohoo especially when all I really want is to have a partner and have a child that way. Friends don’t get that and for me I’ve decided it will be psychologically healthier for me not telling friends each time I try and conceive or take a pregnancy test. So I can balance my own emotions and not have ppl really excited or really disappointed.
As you said the love you show your child outweighs everything although we are human and will feel how we feel.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. We are along the same lines when it comes to going at it alone. Although I don’t regret my decision and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I’m also sad that I haven’t been able to share this amazing experience with a partner. I, like you, just couldn’t wait to meet the right guy because we have a clock ticking as women (it was a now or never moment in my life).
Thank you so much for validating my feelings because it makes me feel less alone.
@Candy C Sorry if I was unclear in my post, but I was in no way saying I was looking for any Tom Dick or Harry to be in a relationship with. I said I am going ahead to a clinic in a few months to be a single mum by choice.
@@SingleMotherByChoice Thanks, I don't think I'm going to regret having a child either, I believe I would regret it if I don't. I just think why should we not get a chance at motherhood like other women in relationships? Like you say we have this biological clock and if we didn't then yes I would keep looking for a partner but as we do I know overall the best decision for myself is the one I'm making. Part of me is feeling guilt, part of me is nervous but then part of me is like wow I get to be a mother something I've always wanted.
When my mum died and left me without any family (the worst time of my life) I went to a bereavement support group, there were a few old ppl there without any kids, they had lost their partners and one of the things they kept saying is they wish they had of been able to have children because they are sooo alone now and that was it for me I was like that can not be me, my mum would not want that for me. That's why any hesitation i feel is being out ranked by that.
Omg something similar helped me decide as well. I know a few people who are older than I am and one in particular is also an only child. She really doesn’t have blood relatives once her mother passes; I really saw myself in her and didn’t want that to be my future. I felt the need at that point to start my own family whether or not I had a partner.
Candy C Thank you that’s really kind and sweet.
I don’t feel guilty for being a childfree by choice ✌🏻😌
Everyone should have the freedom to make the best choices for themselves. Enjoy life!
God bless you on your journey. I hope that you have found a community of supportive people. You sound like a very caring person.
Thank you so much!
Thank for this video, i am 30, my experience is similar to yours if not only the same.Am a single mom of 2 kids . Facing lots of challenges being a single mom
Hello,
I hope that you’re well. I’m sorry for the late reply. Being a single parent can be overwhelming at times.
It’s just sad having to depend on someone else to have children. I literally only have my mom as a support system... that’s it. Sad
At least you have your mom though
That's how children are conceived!
I don't plan on having kids for at least 6 years, and I have already found the man I plan on marrying. Yet here I am watching your videos! Haha. For some reason I found your videos very interesting and I just stumbled upon the SMBC community. Y'all are strong and amazing women!
That’s awesome that you’re in a happy relationship! Thank you for checking out my channel and for your support; it’s not easy being a single mom, but when you’re not lucky-in-Love, but desire a family, I’m happy that this was an option for me. Hopefully I can be lucky-in-Love in the future. Thanks again for watching and reaching out ❤️
Wonderful video! Agreed.
I’d love for you to do a video of which things you’re doing differently this time while ttc #2! Products, mindset, donor bank, etc. please!😁💜
I like what you said about trust. I actually lost s friend after I told him I was pregnant, he basically said what i was doing was wrong and said he suspected i had mental health issues, because why would I choose to have a baby on my own 🙄
Wow 😮. That doesn’t sound like a good friend at all. Not everyone has to agree with our choice, but to say that you have mental health issues for wanting to be a mom is really an extreme comment to make. Sounds like he did you a favor because now you know he’s not actually a good friend.
Maybe they feel threatened by single moms. I’ve gotten the most hate from men on this video (all negative comments that I come across get deleted). There’s no need for that because I don’t hate men, I just haven’t met someone that I’d like to share my life with.
Wow, that reaction seems unhealthy, to say the least. I think we have to expect people being threatened by this and educate them on the topic but if they start acting negative, then to cut them out of our lives. I noticed that women at my work in high powered positions who are used to making important decisions on their own and who had babies on their own don’t even take any negative opinions by men or other women into consideration. They don’t even worry about it, as if it’s a total nonsense.
That’s a good point.
I think I can understand his perspective, there are issues with bringing up a child from the very start with no Dad in their life and we can't deny that.
I wish my mom wasn't a single mother I need my father and I hate she moved me away from him and won't let him see me it's not fair
Ask her why. He may be good to you but not to her and if she if refusing to let him see you it is most likely because he won't do it peacefully while keeping his focus on you. Many dads are not able to separate from their anger and pain enough to co-parent peacefully. Some moms are like that too.
I’m sorry that you don’t have the opportunity to develop a relationship with your dad. Perhaps that can change one day. Good luck to you!
your dad had rights, and could have seen you had he wanted. He could have had 50/50 custody. Keep in mind men have habit of blaming everything on the woman.
my dad told me when I was 9 that he was leaving and wouldnt ever see me again "because he and my mom just dont get along." Ie, mom's fault. Despite the fact that I saw him choke my mom twice, and he abused me as well.
Now as an adult, I laugh and call him an a$$hole. :)
excuses, excuse. men will always have excuses to abandon their children.
@@bevs9995may god bless you for seeing the truth ❤
Yeah girl some doctors are quacks. Some of them shouldn't be prescribing medicine at all.
I completely agree that not all doctors are created equal
I feel guilty sometimes because I met the man I'm certain I will marry when my baby was 8 months old. I didn't in my wildest dreams ever think i would meet anyone and was okay with that- then he came along!! I dont regret my baby at all but sometimes I feel if only this man came along 2 years ago.
My baby is now 1 and I'm used to being a single parent, but sometimes I feel like I'm not enough for him on my own and thankfully I have lots of family to babysit but I even feel guilty about asking them sometimes because I feel like my baby is my "issue"
It’s so great that you’ve found a great guy! I think that your baby will have two great people in their life caring for them. Even though your guy isn’t the biological dad hopefully he’ll step up as a good father figure.
I totally get what your saying about asking family for help. I often feel like asking my mom to watch my daughter at times while I clean or go grocery shopping is asking for too much because it was my choice to have a baby alone and I should do everything myself all the time. I’ve quickly learned that that’s just not true. I still feel guilty asking sometimes, but I just need help some days and that’s ok.
Thanks for sharing this and being transparent. I too would like to do this since I'm older now and its tougher to find a good quality man who wants the same things I do. Joe has it been so far for you and baby??
It’s definitely harder the older you are as a woman. I’m doing well and I’m enjoying motherhood. It’s not to say that it’s not tough at times (it is), but I have such a supportive family that it makes it easier. As for dating, I’m happily single!
Thanks for always sharing your honest feelings! You're awesome!!!
Thank you! Sometimes I wonder if I’m over sharing, but this is just me 😝. I also want to be completely honest because I don’t want to pretend that being a SMBC is always sunshine and roses; I’d hate for anyone to feel bad about their decisions or their life because mine is seemingly “perfect”.
Hey! I enjoyed your content minus the dig at Long Island. I am from Nassau county and not all of us are snobs. My bestfriend is from Brooklyn as well and she can't stand Long Island. To the point she commutes from Brooklyn to Suffolk county everyday...lol
I'm debating on whether I want to go this route or foster to adopt. What made you go this route vs other options?
Hi,
Thanks so much for checking out my channel and for reaching out. I don’t mean to offend and I know by sharing my opinion it will ruffle feathers, but my experience has been that Long Island people lean towards being conservative and are less accepting of diversity. I’m just not comfortable here, but with that being said, I have met some nice people here who don’t fit the mold. I try to always stay open, but in general that’s my opinion 😬 😊.
Before starting this journey to becoming a single mom by choice I did always think that I’d adopt a child regardless of whether or not I had biological children. However, the reality is that the process is a lot harder and much much more expensive. I also didn’t feel confident that I’d be considered to adopt a child being a single mother who was not very wealthy. In the end having a biological child using fertility methods was just a more realistic and affordable option for me. I’d still consider adoption now if the opportunity presented itself. Thanks again for watching and for reaching out!
@@SingleMotherByChoice I wasn't offended... I understand your position my BFF feels the same way about Li. Thanks for your perspective. There are alot of hoops you have to jump to for adoption.
I thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations, opinions and lesson learns. I’m 20 (turning 21) will be TTC as a Single mom by choice around the end of the year beginning of next year. You points really help me think and prepare what I need to, as I get ready for such.
Good luck on your journey! Keep me posted
Why are you making such decision at such tender age. I'm also same age as you. I'm just curious
Hi! I am not one to judge someone for their decisions, but I am also curious to know. I don’t know if many women consider freezing their eggs? It’s actually a great time to do it if you’re worried about not meeting the right person in time to start a family. I wish you luck with whatever path you choose to take!
@@nomsantsoane3984 ive actually been thinking about this for a while.. I’m completely non-sexual person. A lot of people have a hard time accepting that, especially when I was in relationships since I was was not able to satisfy them in the way they need (which I understood). Family and more always told me it’d be impossible for me to have children on my own if I didn’t adopt or get over myself. I knew personally, not only do I have nothing to prove but I don’t need to convince myself or have people pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do for something I can do on my own. And for me that’s why I chose to be SMBC because I’m ready to move forward and have a family with or without someone who can support me. It feels like the right choice for me 🥰
@@SingleMotherByChoice Ah thank you for the suggestion!!
Nice. Congrats and good luck.
Thank you!
I can definitely relate and will probably share mine on my channel soon. ❤️❤️❤️
Hello how are you doing I just have one question in the event that this child is 18 19 years old out here in the world and decides to want to know who his or her father is what are you planning to do about that.
Hi! Thanks for the question. I actually selected an open donor, so if she decides to reach out to her donor she can. We are also in a private Facebook group with her half siblings, some of which are older, so she may get the chance to meet him or know about him earlier than that. I support my child in whatever she chooses (to meet him or not).
Hey , thanks for making this video... I’m really thinking about it .. and need someone to talk to ... can you recommend a group and someone I can talk too .? Thank you
Hi! I am always available to help out, but there are some Facebook groups that women can join. There’s the group titled Single Mothers by Choice and there’s a group for women of color called MOCHA SMC’s.
To reach me you can always email me at singlemotherbychioce@gmail.com (copy and paste it because there’s a spelling error in my email address 🤦🏽♀️.
Have you dated since becoming a single mother by choice? Do you still want a romantic relationship or are you open to marrying and your daughter having a stepdad?
Hi! I haven’t and currently don’t have an interest. I’m so busy and when I’m not working I spend my time with my daughter; she’s still young and still likes hanging out with me, so she’s the priority. I know some single parents that chose to date and they make it work, but I’m content in my life right now. Thanks for checking in!
What does TTC mean?
Trying to conceive
How are and your baby doing so far? What challanges have you encountered thus far?
Hi! Thanks for reaching out. We are doing well! My daughter is turning three soon and starting nursery school in the fall. I’ll be heading back to work at that time, so there will be a lot of change for us in the near future.
Postpartum depression was tough to deal with, especially because I was in denial about having it. Right around the time I was finally starting to feel like myself again (about 1 1/2 after giving birth) the pandemic put us in lockdown. This time made me realize how important it is to have a village; being home alone 24/7 with a toddler with no place to go was difficult. Now that things are opening up again, it’s been a lot better.
Thanks again for reaching out and checking in! I’m happy to answer more questions if you have any.
@@SingleMotherByChoice thanks for the quick response! So glad to hear things are getting better for you both. I'm thinking of doing smbc too so any tips would help.
Have you experienced anyone in community treating you diff or any of the sort, as to why you chose this route etc... and is your baby having difficulty with other friends when seeing other kids with fathers?
No one has treated me differently to my face so far. I think that once you’re a parent you’re just part of the club; we all have ups and downs and want to support each other (at least that’s been my experience).
My daughter is only 2 and she’s learning that all families look different. Some people have a traditional family with a mom and dad, some have two moms or two dads, some have just grandparents or aunts/uncles. She hasn’t encountered any issues so especially because the people typically at the park with their kids are moms.
Also good luck on your journey!
I wonder if there’s a single mom by choice support group. 🤔
You can find some groups on Facebook. Just do a search and you’ll find several
Heaney Island
How many children do you have?
I have one child. She’s 2 now
One more question .... And the event that you start to get much older and you start to take on health problems or your child starts to take on health problems who will you tell your child to look at if you can't help them if she or he has no father explain to me what you would explain to him when they are trying to find out what's really wrong because problems don't happen until later in life with a lot of us please just explain to me what you would exactly explain to your child that does not have a father and that does not know any history of his father or her father please explain to me what you would tell them
Well when you’re a donor you go through genetic testing. I have also gone through genetic testing and neither of us had a genetic predisposition to any illnesses or genetic abnormalities. So if anything does come up it may have to do with lifestyle choices. Again she will have access to her donor at some point in the next 15 years or so. I’m sure that we will all be just fine. I also have a strong family support system to help us get through any challenges. Thanks for your concern and for your question Keith.
i know this is a troll comment but actually genetic testing is more in depth than meeting a man in the wild. The mom is tested and the donor as well. Meeting a stranger and then making a child can result in lots of outcomes. hardly anyone out here knows their genetics.
@@ifonlyunu994this
You’re taking accountability, for that you deserve a sub. Hope you can educate these young a dumb women, be sure to tell them they won’t be young forever and the choices of today will affect how we live tomorrow.
I definitely keep it real with younger people that if marriage or a long term relationship is what they want, they should make sure that it is also a priority in their life as they enter college or enter the workforce.