I’m the only one who reaches out. If I get upset he gets upset and leaves it up to me. There’s no space for me to feel upset or like I matter. If he’s upset or if I’m upset, I’m the one reaching out to make amends. It’s a lonely feeling.
yes! If I get angry about something, I get punished for days even if he triggered the hell out of me, I'm sorry when I lose my temper, but he does too- and if I'm angry I don't do THIS for days.I want to talk about it. Now he says we can NEVER have a civil conversation if I get defensive. SO he accuses me something, I do lose it ( not all the time of course ) and then I hear how uncivil I am. Then I say -but there are other explanations as to why this happened. And he says ,Well it was just a hypothesis! Is that gaslighting? Because he said there was NO other explanation... but that I did something. So I can never get angry if I don't want days of this. Maybe he is hurting and feels misunderstood.And so do I. I don't know if he's toxic or just a really poor communicator who then becomes passive aggressive.
@@reneelibby4885 I’m just seeing this now, I understand. I feel the same way. I can’t tell if he’s being abusive or can’t handle his feelings but it’s exhausting being the one to make amends. There’s no space for me to get upset, it’s a one way relationship. My ex says he wants peace but then treats me badly and goes silent for various amounts of time, inconsistent. I’m just exhausted and working on focusing on myself, to learn to soothe my panic attacks every time he leaves.
I’m going through the same thing. I feel like I’m not allowed to ever get annoyed or upset at anything. If I do he will make sure I pay for it. One day he made me cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. He caught me tho and the look of disgust in his face. Idk y I stay. He makes me feel terrible if I get annoyed at stuff but he can get mad at the silliest things and completely justify it.
@@AdjNG30this sounds exactly like what I went through for four years with my narc fiance. I was brutally discarded 7 weeks ago. He instantly blocked me everywhere just because I calmly asked him why a former younger female coworker was suddenly following him on all social media. He had been hiding his phone around me for months. So he blows up and blocks me a few days before his daughter's birthday. She lives in another state and we are very close. I had gifts and a cake for her and couldn't even see her like we planned on her birthday. I mailed her gifts to her😢. I'm not reaching out to apologize this time. I'm sick of the abuse. If I mention things he's doing online it's my "insecurities", not his disrespect or shady behavior that's the problem. Yesterday was my birthday and he still didn't reach out. I'm definitely done with this painful roller-coaster!
Silent treatment is toxic, period, for me im not gonna be nice about it for long, the 1st time someone does this ill give them 3 days of being nice and giving them space to respond, after that im walking away from the relationship. And if they respond i am laying down a boundary and letting them know that behavior is a deal breaker for me and if they ever do that again ill leave the relationship. No matter why you do this, the impact it has on someone is abusive.
I absolutely agree with you guys. I am so sick and tired of all these videos sugarcoating what it really is it’s a emotional abuse. You’re in a relationship with these people and for whatever reason you get into some kind of argument or disagreement and they just disappear and on top of that the ignore you, that’s not OK
Radical acceptance is my technique. Accept that they may never speak to you again. Then move on with your life. If it's important to them, they'll reach out. If not, your life just became so much better by jettisoning this person who can't help but hurt you. And if they're not working on addressing their issues, don't bother answering when they call. They'll keep doing this to you, and they'll never see that it's wrong at all. "I understand your pain. Now you need to understand the pain you caused me. Because I don't accept that in my life, period. Regardless of the issues you may have that you're likely not even willing to work on."
I can't express how much I agree with you. I came on my own to the same conclusion and it's like taking a risk/bet that you may lose this person. But in the same time it validates so much your own self respect, it draws attention on what is important to you and who knows, maybe you get their attention back when they see you standing solid on your ground. Hope everyone will have this compass in their life!
Giving compassion and hope has its’ limits when it harms you. Many times, people listen to these videos to give them a reason to stay involved with someone who is hurting them. That was me and that’s why this is not okay for me. Not taking things personal, backing away and evaluating YOUR expectations of a healthy relationship is primary, not their feelings. Someone else’s issues gives them no right to abuse you. Self worth and avoiding someone’s games is #1. I’ve seen so many people on these pages in denial, then a few weeks later it hits them that they were indeed in an abusive relationship. Have compassion for yourself first! It does not matter the reason for their silent treatment, back away and get a clear mind before you become part of their issue and create your own. I know Thais teaches this in a way, but sorry..you are #1 always.
WHY: 1. doesn't know how to communicate their feelings w/effective strategy 2. doesn't feel safe, that they won't be understood 3. doesn't want to display/speak anger that will hurt How to help: -validate their pain / you see it & want to understand it & want a healthy conversation -how it makes you feel unhelpful/concerned -state your intentions to return to unity w/connective language
My brother is a narcissist, golden child. When I don't do what he wants he stops talking to me to punish me. My mother does whatever he does. Right now they are both not talking to me.
@@tinam2696 narcissists just like substance absuser thrive on a network of enablers around them. When you don't play along you are singled out. Then again diagnosing a narc is tricky and often abusive. And narcs and dismissive avoidants have many traits in common, however the intention differs. In any case good luck!
Best video I have watched about silent treatment, always get the view about the other person and not you, then one can understand how to work through it.
It feels very cruel mean hurtful and nasty that my insecure anxious attachement bf is giving silent treatment its horrible so unhealthy it feels toxic and all I done is be so understanding mature empthathetic compassionate and loving.
Comminication and problem solving is a basic skill that is needed to have a healthy connection with someone. Without this you will continue to have a one sided relationships, left trying to fix another persons coping style that they need to be dealing with for themselves. If we are speaking and teaching children who are still learning this, that is great. If we are in a couselor field as a way to help others explore problems and to help them fix them, I get it. Please know this will most likely be an exhausting relationship of you building a codependant relationship and will be left trying to fix things like this each and every time, over and over again. It is an exausting game of becoming the person who has to do all the work because the other person lacks the maturity and strength to face reality and desire to do it for themselves, which is a sign of stunted mentalty that is very unheathy to engage in. This has more likely than not become a habbit and their go to, of them needing to comfort themselves in multiple areas of their lives. Very often avoiding many aspects of their life which may also include using drugs, alcohol and chosing to engage in fantasy much of the time. By them chosing not to cope with life by avoiding things it has already become a toxic pattern of self destructive, selfserving behavior that merely proves the "we" part of the relationship doesn't matter to them whether because they are not capable of it ever or not able to right now in the moment leaves the same result of destroying both parties. It's been my experience it is best to move on from this, most of the time.
I would also add that there are people that are mentally ill. They enjoy making others sad. They may have been abused as a child, and/or whatever else that has happened to them. As a result, they give silent treatment to others in order to gain something. It is best to consult with a therapist in efforts to confirm whether or not you are dealing with a normal or a disturbed person.
He is hurting and traumatising me now and now I feel hurt rejected abandonment angry n all I desire is love sweetness and intimacy and peaceful harmonious loving relationship
My boss has been giving me the silent since I talked to HR about a situation he was unwilling to resolve with me. He knew I did it, no behind the scenes. Now he avoids me, wont return me emails for a couple days, wont walk past my office anymore, no eye contact during meetings, and only talks to my coworkers with offices by mine. Going on a week-I am documenting everything.
I love how you've approached this topic. most people assume that all people who give silent treatment are narcissists. but that is further from the truth. sometimes the emotion is too much especially anger and if you were to open your mouth, you'll do irreparable damage. so its better silence for a few hours or days, then speak without being hurtful.
I am glad there are ALTERNATIVE explanations to the silent treatment, apart from narcissim... Hell, even I occasionally go silent at times when I'm mad at someone.. doesn't make me a narcissist.
Just sucks loving someone who chooses not to communicate. It's not that hard, I hate hearing that excuse..oh it's harder for them. No lol they just are immature. Don't tell me you love me and break up with me in the same day.
When people stop communicating with you it's because you've demonstrated that it's a waste of time. You can call it immaturity if you want, but that's really just you dodging accountability for causing the other person to ignore you.
@@yoseflopez5141 nah, you don't have any ground to come in and dictate why somebody fucked someone over. You have zero knowledge of anybody's situation, the details, etc. For you to sit there and say they stopped talking to you because you aren't worthy of communication is a bunch of bullshit. Maybe you felt that way at one point, I get it, but don't spew that bullshit on people who've actually been screwed.
@@TexasRigged See there.....your response tells the whole story. People who can't handle having the finger pointed at them immediately get defensive and still don't reflect on the possibility of their actions being the real issue as to why they're being ignored. As an individual who constantly ignores people, you're really no different from those that I've thrown away. You can't handle accountability and judging by your reaction I wouldn't waste time on explaining myself to you either.....
@@yoseflopez5141 nah, it's just not your life or place to say anything. If I came at you and explained your reality to you, you'd probably push back. You don't know everything about people shit dude. Plain and simple.
@TexasRigged Anything you put out to the public is subject to scrutiny. It baffles me how people are generally too stupid to realize that. Telling people what is or isn't their place just because you don't like what they have to say makes no sense whatsoever. If you don't wanna be contradicted then stop leaving comments and keep your business private. As I said before, judging by your responses it's fairly obvious why no one respects you enough to make an effort to communicate with you. People like you don't wanna hear the truth about themselves and it's sad.....truly pathetic.
Hi Thais 🤩!!! Thank you for making both of your videos on the Silent Treatment. I want to let you know that I posted your first video to my Facebook, so that I could help people understand others that they may be struggling with and not take it personally. I hope that it’s okay? You have made such a difference in my life, by what you teach, especially in understanding my students, and also understanding the core wounds of others in my life. This has helped me to take things less personally, use compassion when there is conflict, and give non-judgmental insight, where negative judgments have been made. You are AMAZING!!!
of course, share away! the more people we can help the better. It's nice when you can feel more understood by people :) thank you for your lovely comment. -PDS team member
Why if you been in a silent treatment for months?? Well if you are the one who are on this side asking that,protect yourself,set a deadline,Don't let too much time pass with the silent treatment thing,take care of yourself don't make the same mistake I did,love you all ❤
@@reneelibby4885 definitely not me,but I've heard stories right here where it has happened to people who live together ,I have been ghosted and received silent treatment for months from someone ,but I'm fine now and make my way through it,the content in this channel helps me a lot
Currently in the first month of "the silent treament." she blocked me everywhere after a big argument, that honestly was just a misunderstanding. This stuff is devasting. @@michirista
You’re serious an angel from above. Thank you for the work you have put in and thank you for sharing this high level content for free! So appreciate you.
These are such helpful tips. Especially pointing out the intention. I love learning about all of this, but I struggle to find the steps to put it into practice. Thank you for this video! Much needed!!
My friend gives me the silent treatment for months every time I voice something I am not comfortable with. She checks in to say she needs more time once every few weeks, but I still feel abandoned, confused and unsafe. It feels like she is punishing me for speaking up... Is this healthy? Last time it took her 3 months of no contact before she re-engaged... So confused 😕
It's a constant push pull dynamic for me. You tell someone you're hurt or you feelings and they say back you are loved or I do care in that moment and then the next day it's back to the same old hurtful or dismissive behavior. Do I cut my losses and think well you obviously don't really care and distance myself from that person. It's this toxic behavior? Because I feel no one is truly listening to me or is respectful of my feelings and wants but somehow I always end up feeling like it's my fault and how I reacted was wrong. So what's the right way , keep people in your life that you feel don't really care or just don't communicate with them?
Here is how I decide if it’s silence out of hurt or manipulation.. can they discuss the weather.. the news or what to fix for dinner? What the cat did ? Something that came in the mail or plans for the weekend? If yes, can you then bring up the challenging topic in an unchallenging way, and will they allow the two of you to move into it after you have stated you desire to overcome this disconnect and resolve the the way the silence treatment left the concerns hanging and unresolved? More silence? Hostility immediately? Bingo ! You have your answer
You basically let them know that you're here when they're ready to talk again. Then you make the decision how long you wanna be "here" and how many times you want to experience another silent treatment from them before you see if this is the right relationship for you. What do you think?
I have received the silent treatment once and it lasted 4 days - That was once too many times. A healthy adult just doesn't use this weapon. It is unacceptable in my view. I call it a cowardly break up and I have demanded break up because of it. Still hurts but at least I know now what I am crying about... loss of a relationship, not because I'm being ignored days on end (without giving timelimit or providing the reason.)
Why would people honestly care? People don't care about anyone else's feelings but themselves. I cannot help people with emotional overload. Took me years to beat depression at it's extreme. Cannot force someone to talk that doesn't care.
Yeah I wish mine did this. I've tried this multiple times and she just continues. I express my new boundaries and that triggers her to tell me I'm attacking her and then stonewalls me hard!! She will never follow through W what she says she will do ie talk later
What about when someone starts acting all happy and chipper when they are confronted with a problem. Say a person has had enough of being controlled with manipulation tactics and finally confronts the toxic person in their life, then the toxic person starts acting all happy and chipper and being fake. How does a person deal with that, or what's the best way to deal with that? This person is say a family member, father, mother, brother or sister.
Sounds like a narcissist at worst or a master avoider at best. I feel for you. Both scenarios tell me I want nothing to do with that human. My life journey continues without them in it.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 yah, it's an issue when it's a directly related family member. If he or she was a supposed friend who was doing these things, it would be easy to just say goodbye and have nothing to do with him or her. But this scenario is different. Thanks for your support! It's very appreciated.
Hi Thais, I really appreciate ur help, advice and Knowledge. It helps me so much. D and AP pattern can looks like trauma bonding? I really need clarification on this. Thank u
As a virgo ♍️ man i dont like giving no one the silent treatment but if i give you the silent treatment is becase you ask for it is my way saying i dont want nothing to do with you your presence bother me
I tried too hard to get some communication from him. I finally just said it was disrespectful and unattractive not responding. He immediately messaged and said he’s not interested anymore and to move on that I’m starting to harass him. Wth was that??
My husband is like this too. It’s so annoying. I feel like it’s because I’m the one he doesn’t feel safe with so it’s not about being alone. It’s about being distant from the painful person.
Mine runs to his aunt. She’s an enabler. He did this to me twice. I’m going on Day 9 of him giving me the silent treatment & just up & leaving me. I have let this man get away with treating me shitty for too long. We’ve been married for 7 months. I filed for divorce… he blocked me & wont talk to me.
@@hayleywibbels6379 Just outta curiosity did you ever consider specifically why he's been dodging you? I doubt he would do it just for the sake of doing it and honestly 9 days isn't that long. You see him giving the silent treatment as problematic, but what have you done to trigger that reaction more than once?
I just want to thank you for how inclusively worded all of your videos are. I’m nonbinary and bi/pan and have frequently had a tough time finding online resources for my anxious attachment that aren’t seemingly made for cis/het couples. In fact your videos apply FAR beyond just romantic partnerships and that’s so helpful. AA sucks and is even harder as a queer person but people like you make this self improvement journey so worthwhile
I did the suggestions you gave, and my text was read, but he chose not to respond. This is a new guy I’ve dated. Now what? Do you unfriend them on social media? Ugh.
If you are a man and date this type of woman, with this strategy I can garantee you will kill your relation, permanently. Simple because this is unnatural and is something what rather a woman would do in this situation not a man. Remember relations are based on emotions, not logic and cause of that are not negociable. Instead give her space, apologize if you know you did something wrong, an leave it to that, expecting she will get back to you(if not simply move on). When faced with silent treatment ask simple What is wrong? and give encouragement like Talk to me! Tell me! instead of starting to complain, presume, and try to fix things. If no answer for days, and it repeats, dump her and move on, is not your duty to fix a person that cannot help herself either. If you are a woman and you are silent treated by your partner is likely he is abusive and manipulative. You can apply this strategy once, but instead of telling him you want to find a solution togheter, tell him what are the consequences.
Your advice will guarantee the person giving the treatment will disappear forever. You don't issue ultimatums or demand people talk to you when they're already pissed off at you. It's really annoying how the blame is never placed on the person receiving treatment when they're often more problematic than the person ignoring them.
I've been dodging a coworker for weeks now because she wasted my time. I don't appreciate people doing that and I'll throw people away with a swiftness for taking me for granted. Apparently, other coworkers think that I hate her when in truth I just really don't like her and I'm not the only person she's annoyed on the job.
They know what they're doing and I know this because they've said I won't do that to you anymore thats the old me. Blah blah, which means they know what they are doing is wrong and the aim is to hurt
The aim is actually to remove the problem that's annoying you. A narc has the intent you described. Other people simply don't want to be pissed off again...
I appreciate this video and your thoughts on this. Usually there is such negative response to this behavior and folks go right to... narcissist & controlling. I appreciate that it needs to be addressed but others speaking critically and not being able to care about what’s going on inside their hurting silent partner is very difficult too.
Well, when you;ve tried everything, for months and when they come out of it and either avoid or shift into DARVO and twist it onto you with maximum coldness and zero empathy........ it's hard not to see it as toxic behaviour. I've been stunned by the ability of some people to just switch off their empathy for their loved partner so completely and quickly. It's bizarre to me. There's only so much compassion and vulnerability one partner can give another that is not willing or capable of doing the same. Been there twice now. First person WAS NPD and/or BPD, she informed me 18 months later. The other one is an FA putting in tonnes of work on herself. Tell you what, she has cured me of my Fear of Abandonment and I've learned how to deal with silent treatment, avoidance and DARVO. The gentle approach didn't work with either of them. And the direct approach was super confronting for them and brought out their absolute worst narcissistic defence behaviours. I've seen it all now and I call it out as soon as I see it from a place of needing to be 100% confident in my own sense of security and belief in my ability to provide my own safety no matter what. Doing this whilst remaining vulnerable and empathetic has been immensely challenging and taught me alot about myself. I'm a Secure with some specific triggers that lead towards anxious. Was in a secure-relationship for a very long time before this and never felt any of these emotions previously, nor have I experienced them in another partner.
The reason you have a negative response to it or see lots of criticism is because REGARDLESS OF WHY it is a form of abuse. When it goes on for days, or weeks or longer it is NOT OK. it is a weapon being used by emotionally immature people or cowards who cannot break up as a normal human being.
I have discovered with my DA , she needs her time and space. She knows I understand her, so I simply wait for her to reach out. It’s ok to share how the silent treatment makes you feel when the time is appropriate .
that's my situation. he can't bear the criticism. makes things worse.i am not emotionally safe enough to do this anymore. I guess I haven't learned how to come off as less critical when stating feelings, I'll say this tho - he's VERY critical.
I guess I'm giving someone the silent treatment. She tried reaching out, I wrote a whole long angry reply but never had the guts to hit send. And honestly even if she said all those helpful things about wanting to repair and knowing I'm hurt or feel unsafe etc, I wouldn't believe her. I'd think she was saying that to be manipulative, and still feel like she wouldn't understand and is gonna project all her shit onto me again. So I guess my question is, what else could one do when the person giving the silent treatment feels the way I do? When one wants to repair...
You have a few stored negative stories/associations and beliefs (eg "Even if she said all those things, I wouldn't believe her," "feel like she's going to manipulate me," "she wouldn't understand," "project all her shit on me again"), so you can go through each of them and identify their validity, and find opposing examples/evidence for where those stories/assumptions/beliefs are not true, and/or not *always* true. Find evidence for times where you did feel understood, where you were able to trust her/where she followed through on what she said. Evidence for times when you were not manipulated, where believing someone ended up creating positive feelings and outcomes etc. Realise that your stories/beliefs are generally made subconsciously to protect yourself from pain. So, are you able to find out what specifically you are trying to protect yourself from? (Eg feeling powerless). Our subconscious stories/beliefs are also a way for us to get our needs met. So you can look at it from that perspective - What needs get met by having those stories/beliefs? E.g., "I feel safe/certian/in control." ...So, then you would look at how to have those needs still be met, but also allowing yourself to be vulnerable and move forward in the relationship. What needs do you have unmet within your relationship? What are some strategies to get those needs met from yourself and from others? Can you clearly express what your needs are to the other person? What needs was the relationship meeting previously? It seems like you are still a bit angry and feeling resentful. So, doing some self inquiry about what specifically you are feeling and the stories you have about the situation will be helpful. E.g., "I feel betrayed, powerless, because of XYZ. I made Z, Y and Z mean that I am ________. Belief: I can't trust anyone, I will be manipulated." Something that may also help, is to find out exactly what would constitute a good repair for you (thinking in terms of the '5 Love Languages,' and the '5 Apology Languages'). You said you wouldn't believe her even if she *said* all those things. So, is there another way that you would be more inclined to believe? Google the 5 Appology Languages and see what resonates for you :) Also, not all relationships are right for us. If this person is as unhealthy for you as it comes accross (which I pick up from you saying "again"), then perhaps you don't need to continue the relationship.
Yeap Georgie said super well ,seems like your "system alert" is way to high,thats your defense mechanism running you,remember that your subconscious mind looks for familiarity and subconsciously you finding something familiar and trust in people and reach out to them is not familiar for you and thats maybe you feel that way,be kind with yourself,start by change your inner dialogue,learn to identify when and why you are telling yourself those narratives,and the hard part try to relax no one is gonna trow their shit or affect you unless you let them (you know what I mean right?)
@Georgie Eve thank you for such a lengthy reply! The apology language was particularly incredibly insightful. I thought about those questions you posed and realised I do have others whom I can trust and feel vulnerable with. And this friend currently has too many issues for me to want to deal with. But regarding the question I posted, can't underscore enough how eye opening apology language is!
@@michirista nah I mean she has projected her issues, accused, and assumed too many times, and I suppose I've had enough. I have quite a good support system of people I do actually trust. But ure right in that I can always be kinder to myself. I think I'm getting better ☺
Words hurt, but the silent treatment is devastating.
Who else is receiving a dose right now of silent treatment?
Can't tell if I'm getting the silent treatment or being ghosted. 🤦♀️
Day 7 here!
Me. And I don’t know if or when I’ll hear back. Had to let him know we need therapy if we are going to try to be together
Me it's been 10 days
Day 12 here, it’s a cyclical thing with her.
If someone ignores you,don't bother them again 😏
I’m the only one who reaches out. If I get upset he gets upset and leaves it up to me. There’s no space for me to feel upset or like I matter. If he’s upset or if I’m upset, I’m the one reaching out to make amends. It’s a lonely feeling.
yes! If I get angry about something, I get punished for days even if he triggered the hell out of me, I'm sorry when I lose my temper, but he does too- and if I'm angry I don't do THIS for days.I want to talk about it. Now he says we can NEVER have a civil conversation if I get defensive. SO he accuses me something, I do lose it ( not all the time of course ) and then I hear how uncivil I am. Then I say -but there are other explanations as to why this happened. And he says ,Well it was just a hypothesis! Is that gaslighting? Because he said there was NO other explanation... but that I did something. So I can never get angry if I don't want days of this. Maybe he is hurting and feels misunderstood.And so do I. I don't know if he's toxic or just a really poor communicator who then becomes passive aggressive.
@@reneelibby4885same here!
@@reneelibby4885 I’m just seeing this now, I understand. I feel the same way. I can’t tell if he’s being abusive or can’t handle his feelings but it’s exhausting being the one to make amends. There’s no space for me to get upset, it’s a one way relationship. My ex says he wants peace but then treats me badly and goes silent for various amounts of time, inconsistent. I’m just exhausted and working on focusing on myself, to learn to soothe my panic attacks every time he leaves.
I’m going through the same thing. I feel like I’m not allowed to ever get annoyed or upset at anything. If I do he will make sure I pay for it. One day he made me cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. He caught me tho and the look of disgust in his face. Idk y I stay. He makes me feel terrible if I get annoyed at stuff but he can get mad at the silliest things and completely justify it.
@@AdjNG30this sounds exactly like what I went through for four years with my narc fiance. I was brutally discarded 7 weeks ago. He instantly blocked me everywhere just because I calmly asked him why a former younger female coworker was suddenly following him on all social media. He had been hiding his phone around me for months. So he blows up and blocks me a few days before his daughter's birthday. She lives in another state and we are very close. I had gifts and a cake for her and couldn't even see her like we planned on her birthday. I mailed her gifts to her😢. I'm not reaching out to apologize this time. I'm sick of the abuse. If I mention things he's doing online it's my "insecurities", not his disrespect or shady behavior that's the problem. Yesterday was my birthday and he still didn't reach out. I'm definitely done with this painful roller-coaster!
When the silent treatment actually becomes a peaceful TREAT! 🧘♀️
Silent treatment is toxic, period, for me im not gonna be nice about it for long, the 1st time someone does this ill give them 3 days of being nice and giving them space to respond, after that im walking away from the relationship. And if they respond i am laying down a boundary and letting them know that behavior is a deal breaker for me and if they ever do that again ill leave the relationship. No matter why you do this, the impact it has on someone is abusive.
100% agreed
I agree with you. Silent treatments are not ok!
I absolutely agree with you guys. I am so sick and tired of all these videos sugarcoating what it really is it’s a emotional abuse. You’re in a relationship with these people and for whatever reason you get into some kind of argument or disagreement and they just disappear and on top of that the ignore you, that’s not OK
Radical acceptance is my technique. Accept that they may never speak to you again. Then move on with your life. If it's important to them, they'll reach out. If not, your life just became so much better by jettisoning this person who can't help but hurt you.
And if they're not working on addressing their issues, don't bother answering when they call. They'll keep doing this to you, and they'll never see that it's wrong at all.
"I understand your pain. Now you need to understand the pain you caused me. Because I don't accept that in my life, period. Regardless of the issues you may have that you're likely not even willing to work on."
I can't express how much I agree with you.
I came on my own to the same conclusion and it's like taking a risk/bet that you may lose this person. But in the same time it validates so much your own self respect, it draws attention on what is important to you and who knows, maybe you get their attention back when they see you standing solid on your ground.
Hope everyone will have this compass in their life!
This, so much this. Radical Acceptance, honesty and very clear communication of boundaries.
Giving compassion and hope has its’ limits when it harms you. Many times, people listen to these videos to give them a reason to stay involved with someone who is hurting them. That was me and that’s why this is not okay for me. Not taking things personal, backing away and evaluating YOUR expectations of a healthy relationship is primary, not their feelings. Someone else’s issues gives them no right to abuse you. Self worth and avoiding someone’s games is #1. I’ve seen so many people on these pages in denial, then a few weeks later it hits them that they were indeed in an abusive relationship. Have compassion for yourself first! It does not matter the reason for their silent treatment, back away and get a clear mind before you become part of their issue and create your own. I know Thais teaches this in a way, but sorry..you are #1 always.
@@BellaFontella Yes yes yes!! "Someone else's issues gives them no right to abuse you." That's it; that's all you need to know!
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Thank you.
Live your best life of somebody is giving you the silent treatment. F*ck them if they want to blame you for their issues. Choose you!!
Silent treatment is emotional abuse and if they do this with you often= they are Narcissists. Don't chase them or their tantrums. Don't give in.
WHY:
1. doesn't know how to communicate their feelings w/effective strategy
2. doesn't feel safe, that they won't be understood
3. doesn't want to display/speak anger that will hurt
How to help:
-validate their pain / you see it & want to understand it & want a healthy conversation
-how it makes you feel unhelpful/concerned
-state your intentions to return to unity w/connective language
My brother is a narcissist, golden child. When I don't do what he wants he stops talking to me to punish me. My mother does whatever he does. Right now they are both not talking to me.
thanks Karen Coleman
@@tinam2696 narcissists just like substance absuser thrive on a network of enablers around them. When you don't play along you are singled out.
Then again diagnosing a narc is tricky and often abusive. And narcs and dismissive avoidants have many traits in common, however the intention differs. In any case good luck!
Best video I have watched about silent treatment, always get the view about the other person and not you, then one can understand how to work through it.
It feels very cruel mean hurtful and nasty that my insecure anxious attachement bf is giving silent treatment its horrible so unhealthy it feels toxic and all I done is be so understanding mature empthathetic compassionate and loving.
Comminication and problem solving is a basic skill that is needed to have a healthy connection with someone. Without this you will continue to have a one sided relationships, left trying to fix another persons coping style that they need to be dealing with for themselves.
If we are speaking and teaching children who are still learning this, that is great. If we are in a couselor field as a way to help others explore problems and to help them fix them, I get it.
Please know this will most likely be an exhausting relationship of you building a codependant relationship and will be left trying to fix things like this each and every time, over and over again.
It is an exausting game of becoming the person who has to do all the work because the other person lacks the maturity and strength to face reality and desire to do it for themselves, which is a sign of stunted mentalty that is very unheathy to engage in. This has more likely than not become a habbit and their go to, of them needing to comfort themselves in multiple areas of their lives.
Very often avoiding many aspects of their life which may also include using drugs, alcohol and chosing to engage in fantasy much of the time.
By them chosing not to cope with life by avoiding things it has already become a toxic pattern of self destructive, selfserving behavior that merely proves the "we" part of the relationship doesn't matter to them whether because they are not capable of it ever or not able to right now in the moment leaves the same result of destroying both parties. It's been my experience it is best to move on from this, most of the time.
I would also add that there are people that are mentally ill. They enjoy making others sad. They may have been abused as a child, and/or whatever else that has happened to them. As a result, they give silent treatment to others in order to gain something. It is best to consult with a therapist in efforts to confirm whether or not you are dealing with a normal or a disturbed person.
Thank you so much,I can't believe this worked ,he opened up to me immediately when I followed these steps
He is hurting and traumatising me now and now I feel hurt rejected abandonment angry n all I desire is love sweetness and intimacy and peaceful harmonious loving relationship
Same sister.
you and everyone here
much love, i hope things got better
I am in the same situation...movingon
This silent treatment series for last few days has been right on time. Thanks you so much for doing this.
My boss has been giving me the silent since I talked to HR about a situation he was unwilling to resolve with me. He knew I did it, no behind the scenes. Now he avoids me, wont return me emails for a couple days, wont walk past my office anymore, no eye contact during meetings, and only talks to my coworkers with offices by mine. Going on a week-I am documenting everything.
I love how you've approached this topic. most people assume that all people who give silent treatment are narcissists. but that is further from the truth. sometimes the emotion is too much especially anger and if you were to open your mouth, you'll do irreparable damage. so its better silence for a few hours or days, then speak without being hurtful.
Damn, this might be one of your best videos ever. Short but so helpful!
I Agree
I am glad there are ALTERNATIVE explanations to the silent treatment, apart from narcissim... Hell, even I occasionally go silent at times when I'm mad at someone.. doesn't make me a narcissist.
But it is toxic and it is narcissistic whether or not you actually are a narc
I wish the narcs in my past would've given me the silent treatment cause they talk too damn much...
Just sucks loving someone who chooses not to communicate. It's not that hard, I hate hearing that excuse..oh it's harder for them. No lol they just are immature. Don't tell me you love me and break up with me in the same day.
When people stop communicating with you it's because you've demonstrated that it's a waste of time. You can call it immaturity if you want, but that's really just you dodging accountability for causing the other person to ignore you.
@@yoseflopez5141 nah, you don't have any ground to come in and dictate why somebody fucked someone over. You have zero knowledge of anybody's situation, the details, etc. For you to sit there and say they stopped talking to you because you aren't worthy of communication is a bunch of bullshit. Maybe you felt that way at one point, I get it, but don't spew that bullshit on people who've actually been screwed.
@@TexasRigged See there.....your response tells the whole story. People who can't handle having the finger pointed at them immediately get defensive and still don't reflect on the possibility of their actions being the real issue as to why they're being ignored. As an individual who constantly ignores people, you're really no different from those that I've thrown away. You can't handle accountability and judging by your reaction I wouldn't waste time on explaining myself to you either.....
@@yoseflopez5141 nah, it's just not your life or place to say anything. If I came at you and explained your reality to you, you'd probably push back. You don't know everything about people shit dude. Plain and simple.
@TexasRigged Anything you put out to the public is subject to scrutiny. It baffles me how people are generally too stupid to realize that. Telling people what is or isn't their place just because you don't like what they have to say makes no sense whatsoever. If you don't wanna be contradicted then stop leaving comments and keep your business private. As I said before, judging by your responses it's fairly obvious why no one respects you enough to make an effort to communicate with you. People like you don't wanna hear the truth about themselves and it's sad.....truly pathetic.
Hi Thais 🤩!!! Thank you for making both of your videos on the Silent Treatment. I want to let you know that I posted your first video to my Facebook, so that I could help people understand others that they may be struggling with and not take it personally. I hope that it’s okay? You have made such a difference in my life, by what you teach, especially in understanding my students, and also understanding the core wounds of others in my life. This has helped me to take things less personally, use compassion when there is conflict, and give non-judgmental insight, where negative judgments have been made. You are AMAZING!!!
of course, share away! the more people we can help the better. It's nice when you can feel more understood by people :)
thank you for your lovely comment.
-PDS team member
Thank you so much Thais, this really helps a lot. Much love to you, you are a true blessing. Not just to me but also to the world! 😘
thank you for such a toughtful comment :)
-PDS team member
Thanks for sharing this. So many videos equate silent treatment to purely manipulative strategies. I see more nuance here.
Why if you been in a silent treatment for months?? Well if you are the one who are on this side asking that,protect yourself,set a deadline,Don't let too much time pass with the silent treatment thing,take care of yourself don't make the same mistake I did,love you all ❤
holy crap. MONTHS? I hope this isn't someone you live with.
@@reneelibby4885 definitely not me,but I've heard stories right here where it has happened to people who live together ,I have been ghosted and received silent treatment for months from someone ,but I'm fine now and make my way through it,the content in this channel helps me a lot
Currently in the first month of "the silent treament." she blocked me everywhere after a big argument, that honestly was just a misunderstanding. This stuff is devasting.
@@michirista
He gave me the silent treatment for three weeks, I left, won’t babysit anybody’s broken son
You’re serious an angel from above. Thank you for the work you have put in and thank you for sharing this high level content for free! So appreciate you.
These are such helpful tips. Especially pointing out the intention. I love learning about all of this, but I struggle to find the steps to put it into practice. Thank you for this video! Much needed!!
You're so welcome Lindsay :)
-PDS team member
My friend gives me the silent treatment for months every time I voice something I am not comfortable with. She checks in to say she needs more time once every few weeks, but I still feel abandoned, confused and unsafe. It feels like she is punishing me for speaking up... Is this healthy? Last time it took her 3 months of no contact before she re-engaged... So confused 😕
Not normal.
I would rather get chewed out. I know someone who gives me the silent treatment, and it’s awful.
thank you for posting this follow up the next day---really need this
Glad we delivered for you!
-PDS team member
If someone is giving you the silent treatment for hours or days.. it is toxic controlling and damaging .. by definition
This is so helpful but I'm do tired of being married to a DA who always refuses to talk about any kind of situation 😮💨
I know where you are coming from. I've had it for 37 years.
Thanks for this. It's one of the best videos I've seen 😊
It's a constant push pull dynamic for me. You tell someone you're hurt or you feelings and they say back you are loved or I do care in that moment and then the next day it's back to the same old hurtful or dismissive behavior. Do I cut my losses and think well you obviously don't really care and distance myself from that person. It's this toxic behavior? Because I feel no one is truly listening to me or is respectful of my feelings and wants but somehow I always end up feeling like it's my fault and how I reacted was wrong. So what's the right way , keep people in your life that you feel don't really care or just don't communicate with them?
I can totally relate to this :(
push pull is manipulative.
Just leave them alone...
@@yoseflopez5141 yes, permanently
Thais is very good with communication scripts
I love her compassionate approach
Can you make a video on how to react when the person giving the silent treatment reaches out or opens up again?
Here is how I decide if it’s silence out of hurt or manipulation.. can they discuss the weather.. the news or what to fix for dinner? What the cat did ? Something that came in the mail or plans for the weekend? If yes, can you then bring up the challenging topic in an unchallenging way, and will they allow the two of you to move into it after you have stated you desire to overcome this disconnect and resolve the the way the silence treatment left the concerns hanging and unresolved?
More silence?
Hostility immediately?
Bingo ! You have your answer
You basically let them know that you're here when they're ready to talk again. Then you make the decision how long you wanna be "here" and how many times you want to experience another silent treatment from them before you see if this is the right relationship for you. What do you think?
I have received the silent treatment once and it lasted 4 days - That was once too many times. A healthy adult just doesn't use this weapon. It is unacceptable in my view. I call it a cowardly break up and I have demanded break up because of it. Still hurts but at least I know now what I am crying about... loss of a relationship, not because I'm being ignored days on end (without giving timelimit or providing the reason.)
@@kianaswanson8217 I hear your hurt Kee. Good thing that was the first & only time for you and you made a good decision (even though it still hurts)
eventually you have to set a boundary
Why would people honestly care? People don't care about anyone else's feelings but themselves. I cannot help people with emotional overload. Took me years to beat depression at it's extreme. Cannot force someone to talk that doesn't care.
It makes a lot of sense now 😮 thank you for this video ❤️
I know with absolute certainty, the DA, SOB, I’m happily divorcing used silence as a weapon for so many yrs, I’m ashamed.
I love the communication videos, like this.
Thank you Adam, glad you like them
-PDS team member
Yeah I wish mine did this. I've tried this multiple times and she just continues. I express my new boundaries and that triggers her to tell me I'm attacking her and then stonewalls me hard!! She will never follow through W what she says she will do ie talk later
That doesn’t work on mine. I just get insulted.
Hi, also thought about toxic relationship dynamics as a result of a (silent) narcissistic disorder?
Fantastic video.....this has come along at the right time 🙏💚
If they're giving you the silent treatment, how can you say you know there's something wrong? What if you misjudged the situation?
What about when someone starts acting all happy and chipper when they are confronted with a problem. Say a person has had enough of being controlled with manipulation tactics and finally confronts the toxic person in their life, then the toxic person starts acting all happy and chipper and being fake. How does a person deal with that, or what's the best way to deal with that? This person is say a family member, father, mother, brother or sister.
Sounds like a narcissist at worst or a master avoider at best. I feel for you. Both scenarios tell me I want nothing to do with that human. My life journey continues without them in it.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 yah, it's an issue when it's a directly related family member. If he or she was a supposed friend who was doing these things, it would be easy to just say goodbye and have nothing to do with him or her. But this scenario is different. Thanks for your support! It's very appreciated.
I think its evil once it goes into the second day.
Great advise. Thank you.
Hi Thais,
I really appreciate ur help, advice and Knowledge. It helps me so much.
D and AP pattern can looks like trauma bonding? I really need clarification on this.
Thank u
I tried asking him to open up, oh so kindly, gently, lovingly. He said nothing was wrong. Now, weeks of silent treatment. Now what???😢
You are the best, Thais!!
As a virgo ♍️ man i dont like giving no one the silent treatment but if i give you the silent treatment is becase you ask for it is my way saying i dont want nothing to do with you your presence bother me
I tried too hard to get some communication from him. I finally just said it was disrespectful and unattractive not responding. He immediately messaged and said he’s not interested anymore and to move on that I’m starting to harass him. Wth was that??
What if he does not talk to me but chats with everyone else?Is it really about him wanting to be alone?
My husband is like this too. It’s so annoying. I feel like it’s because I’m the one he doesn’t feel safe with so it’s not about being alone. It’s about being distant from the painful person.
Mine runs to his aunt. She’s an enabler. He did this to me twice. I’m going on Day 9 of him giving me the silent treatment & just up & leaving me. I have let this man get away with treating me shitty for too long. We’ve been married for 7 months. I filed for divorce… he blocked me & wont talk to me.
@@hayleywibbels6379 Just outta curiosity did you ever consider specifically why he's been dodging you? I doubt he would do it just for the sake of doing it and honestly 9 days isn't that long. You see him giving the silent treatment as problematic, but what have you done to trigger that reaction more than once?
I just want to thank you for how inclusively worded all of your videos are. I’m nonbinary and bi/pan and have frequently had a tough time finding online resources for my anxious attachment that aren’t seemingly made for cis/het couples. In fact your videos apply FAR beyond just romantic partnerships and that’s so helpful. AA sucks and is even harder as a queer person but people like you make this self improvement journey so worthwhile
SO HELPFUL
What if you broke up with someone and regret it but they won't speak to you? Is there any chance of them coming back? (they are FA)
I did the suggestions you gave, and my text was read, but he chose not to respond. This is a new guy I’ve dated. Now what? Do you unfriend them on social media? Ugh.
If you are a man and date this type of woman, with this strategy I can garantee you will kill your relation, permanently. Simple because this is unnatural and is something what rather a woman would do in this situation not a man. Remember relations are based on emotions, not logic and cause of that are not negociable.
Instead give her space, apologize if you know you did something wrong, an leave it to that, expecting she will get back to you(if not simply move on). When faced with silent treatment ask simple What is wrong? and give encouragement like Talk to me! Tell me! instead of starting to complain, presume, and try to fix things. If no answer for days, and it repeats, dump her and move on, is not your duty to fix a person that cannot help herself either.
If you are a woman and you are silent treated by your partner is likely he is abusive and manipulative. You can apply this strategy once, but instead of telling him you want to find a solution togheter, tell him what are the consequences.
Your advice will guarantee the person giving the treatment will disappear forever. You don't issue ultimatums or demand people talk to you when they're already pissed off at you. It's really annoying how the blame is never placed on the person receiving treatment when they're often more problematic than the person ignoring them.
I am.
I wish I could let my GF know how it makes me feel... she's blocked me every way possible... I went to get place and it wasn't pretty...
Thank you boss
But over 9 months?
I ❤ you Thais!
does this apply if its a coworker?
I've been dodging a coworker for weeks now because she wasted my time. I don't appreciate people doing that and I'll throw people away with a swiftness for taking me for granted. Apparently, other coworkers think that I hate her when in truth I just really don't like her and I'm not the only person she's annoyed on the job.
Very helpful
thank you thais
They know what they're doing and I know this because they've said I won't do that to you anymore thats the old me. Blah blah, which means they know what they are doing is wrong and the aim is to hurt
The aim is actually to remove the problem that's annoying you. A narc has the intent you described. Other people simply don't want to be pissed off again...
What inspired you to help people change their lives
Feel like this could be too much pressure for some people
I appreciate this video and your thoughts on this. Usually there is such negative response to this behavior and folks go right to... narcissist & controlling. I appreciate that it needs to be addressed but others speaking critically and not being able to care about what’s going on inside their hurting silent partner is very difficult too.
Well, when you;ve tried everything, for months and when they come out of it and either avoid or shift into DARVO and twist it onto you with maximum coldness and zero empathy........ it's hard not to see it as toxic behaviour. I've been stunned by the ability of some people to just switch off their empathy for their loved partner so completely and quickly. It's bizarre to me. There's only so much compassion and vulnerability one partner can give another that is not willing or capable of doing the same. Been there twice now. First person WAS NPD and/or BPD, she informed me 18 months later. The other one is an FA putting in tonnes of work on herself. Tell you what, she has cured me of my Fear of Abandonment and I've learned how to deal with silent treatment, avoidance and DARVO. The gentle approach didn't work with either of them. And the direct approach was super confronting for them and brought out their absolute worst narcissistic defence behaviours. I've seen it all now and I call it out as soon as I see it from a place of needing to be 100% confident in my own sense of security and belief in my ability to provide my own safety no matter what. Doing this whilst remaining vulnerable and empathetic has been immensely challenging and taught me alot about myself. I'm a Secure with some specific triggers that lead towards anxious. Was in a secure-relationship for a very long time before this and never felt any of these emotions previously, nor have I experienced them in another partner.
The reason you have a negative response to it or see lots of criticism is because REGARDLESS OF WHY it is a form of abuse. When it goes on for days, or weeks or longer it is NOT OK. it is a weapon being used by emotionally immature people or cowards who cannot break up as a normal human being.
Won't talking about how you feel fearful when the other person pulls away make them feel more pressure and pull away more?
I have discovered with my DA , she needs her time and space. She knows I understand her, so I simply wait for her to reach out.
It’s ok to share how the silent treatment makes you feel when the time is appropriate .
that's my situation. he can't bear the criticism. makes things worse.i am not emotionally safe enough to do this anymore. I guess I haven't learned how to come off as less critical when stating feelings, I'll say this tho - he's VERY critical.
Me😢
Havent heard from her for 3,5 months now and im unfriended on snapchat.
I guess I'm giving someone the silent treatment. She tried reaching out, I wrote a whole long angry reply but never had the guts to hit send. And honestly even if she said all those helpful things about wanting to repair and knowing I'm hurt or feel unsafe etc, I wouldn't believe her. I'd think she was saying that to be manipulative, and still feel like she wouldn't understand and is gonna project all her shit onto me again.
So I guess my question is, what else could one do when the person giving the silent treatment feels the way I do? When one wants to repair...
You have a few stored negative stories/associations and beliefs (eg "Even if she said all those things, I wouldn't believe her," "feel like she's going to manipulate me," "she wouldn't understand," "project all her shit on me again"), so you can go through each of them and identify their validity, and find opposing examples/evidence for where those stories/assumptions/beliefs are not true, and/or not *always* true. Find evidence for times where you did feel understood, where you were able to trust her/where she followed through on what she said. Evidence for times when you were not manipulated, where believing someone ended up creating positive feelings and outcomes etc.
Realise that your stories/beliefs are generally made subconsciously to protect yourself from pain. So, are you able to find out what specifically you are trying to protect yourself from? (Eg feeling powerless).
Our subconscious stories/beliefs are also a way for us to get our needs met. So you can look at it from that perspective - What needs get met by having those stories/beliefs? E.g., "I feel safe/certian/in control." ...So, then you would look at how to have those needs still be met, but also allowing yourself to be vulnerable and move forward in the relationship.
What needs do you have unmet within your relationship? What are some strategies to get those needs met from yourself and from others? Can you clearly express what your needs are to the other person?
What needs was the relationship meeting previously?
It seems like you are still a bit angry and feeling resentful. So, doing some self inquiry about what specifically you are feeling and the stories you have about the situation will be helpful. E.g., "I feel betrayed, powerless, because of XYZ. I made Z, Y and Z mean that I am ________. Belief: I can't trust anyone, I will be manipulated."
Something that may also help, is to find out exactly what would constitute a good repair for you (thinking in terms of the '5 Love Languages,' and the '5 Apology Languages'). You said you wouldn't believe her even if she *said* all those things. So, is there another way that you would be more inclined to believe? Google the 5 Appology Languages and see what resonates for you :)
Also, not all relationships are right for us. If this person is as unhealthy for you as it comes accross (which I pick up from you saying "again"), then perhaps you don't need to continue the relationship.
Yeap Georgie said super well ,seems like your "system alert" is way to high,thats your defense mechanism running you,remember that your subconscious mind looks for familiarity and subconsciously you finding something familiar and trust in people and reach out to them is not familiar for you and thats maybe you feel that way,be kind with yourself,start by change your inner dialogue,learn to identify when and why you are telling yourself those narratives,and the hard part try to relax no one is gonna trow their shit or affect you unless you let them (you know what I mean right?)
@Georgie Eve thank you for such a lengthy reply! The apology language was particularly incredibly insightful.
I thought about those questions you posed and realised I do have others whom I can trust and feel vulnerable with. And this friend currently has too many issues for me to want to deal with.
But regarding the question I posted, can't underscore enough how eye opening apology language is!
@@michirista nah I mean she has projected her issues, accused, and assumed too many times, and I suppose I've had enough.
I have quite a good support system of people I do actually trust. But ure right in that I can always be kinder to myself. I think I'm getting better ☺
@@pinkette ohh sorry my bad I completely misunderstood the issue 😅 ,anyway did you identify her attachmend style ?? maybe she is an FA or AP !!