I go in the opposite direction. I am a welder, I don’t have to talk to anyone, and it’s perfectly acceptable to have a “bad” attitude. I don’t have to socialize at all and I don’t have to pretend to like ppl. The boss says weld this, and I say ok.
The number of times I heard that I'm a beast, a workhorse, how my managers all wished they had a dozen employees like me only to be consistently passed over for raises, underpaid, overworked and utterly taken advantage of is unreal. Being Autistic when they gave me that "Work ethic" plugin I totally bought in. Give 110%, go above and beyond, make yourself irreplaceable were all just doing the bare minimum in my eyes. But at the same time I consistently undersold myself and was chronically underachieving career wise because I never thought I was good enough to seek promotions or positions outside of entry-level minimum wage jobs since I couldn't figure out the peopling game.
Are you me lol? After being bullied out of my last job after 8 years of frankly being the best there and working my absolute ass off I finally came to the conclusion that the system is flawed and I won't be able to change that and that me selling my soul to these companies is destroying me and not worth it. Now I landed a pretty good job in IT without basically any education in that field and I'm living my best life giving zero fucks lmao.
@@_Lord_of_Misrule_ how? o_o I have worked in IT for 8+ years and wasn't able to find any job in the last 7 years because of autism (I'm not in the usa though)
I could deal w socializing w customers, could deal w the bright lights, the overstimulation, the carding of customers, the rudeness, but the thing that eventually made me quit was the social punishment delved by my coworkers for keeping to myself. Why cant ppl just leave alone and let be? The worst was having to hear them talk shit about each other behind each others backs and somehow pretend to be nice to each others face? Like why with the lying if yall dont like each other? So frustrating! Especially bc my boss couldnt stay professional and didnt like me either. It gave me anxiety bc i was under scrutiny even though i followed all the rules (saving the company money in the process) and yet i was the only one being reprimanded for the smallest NONSENSICAL things
As I am hearing this I am just noticing autistic people just can't work and if they do they are perceived in a number of ways. We just can't work!!! It just doesn't work. I been through so much at work and I totally understand what you're talking about because I experienced it in my own many ways.
It feels like that a lot of the time. And it's not even because of the job itself, it's because of all the surrounding stuff, the social stuff, the unclear rules, the expectation around what our face is doing at any given time. I didn't use to think I have a flat affect, but looking back I remember how many managers complained that I come in looking bored and uninterested and I don't even say hi, whereas in my mind I was the most social of butterflies. I would come in greeting everyone and vibing to music, spreading flower petals and stardust over the place and the feedback I'd get is close to "you should smile more".
ADHDer here - I also relate to a lot of this. I’ve realized a lot of people, especially NTs will push you as far as you let them. Sometimes you just have to take the risk of being assertive or being seen as a bitch anyway. I’ve noticed even if coworkers in food service are thrown off by it at first, ultimately they’ll respect you and you’ll gain more social capital. I also learned to be less bothered by things and to stop taking things as seriously. Once I was invited to a party my manager had, I feel like more people started to accept me. I was even told that more people started to like me than when I first started working there. Sometimes it almost feels like hazing to weed out the weak or to break you. I’m thankful I haven’t had to work in that environment in years, but it can be really taxing. Ultimately, I’ve learned that not all of your coworkers need to like you, but strategically making friends with the right people will go a long way.
The hazing part I agree with that. And I think having new workers constantly come in only to not last very long makes people a certain way. Especially if they are the ones seeing all the people come and go
I did exactly the same thing, both a waiter, bartender and a personal trainer for the last 20 years. I was aware of a massive social deficit without realising it was Autism.
When I was younger I would observe servers when I was dining out and map out those apparent timing obstacles and concluded I just wouldn’t be able to handle being a server 😂
This is why I can’t work a job and why I have issues with co workers. I tried my best at my last job where immediately I knew I was being singled out and not helped. So, it’s best I work for myself lol.
i tried working for a charity that i really loved but its very clear that i was so different from everyone and never really fit in. my closest coworkers were still nice to me though but it was 2 years of not fitting in and being "weird".
I've recently heard a lot of people say that it's so important to work a customer facing job while you're young so you can learn how to socialize. This hurts me every time because after years of customer service, I am even more lost. I am now unable to work because I get panic attacks when I try to start a new job.
I worked as a waitress for all of about 2-3 weeks in college. I thought it was going well, but one day I got pulled into the manager's office out of the blue. She told me that this was my chance to quit or they were going to fire me. I was, and still am, completely baffled by that because up until that point I had received nothing but positive feedback. Looking back on it, I wonder if it was some sort of social cue I missed.
@@mauthe3054 This! Especially if they think you just need to like tweet one little thing and I think it's easily fixed they might give you a lot of encouragement like you do really great just can you work on this one little thing. I'm guessing in OP's experience they just left out the last part of saying she needed to do something different. OP definitely should have been given an actual reason before them asking her to quit.
I understand that (at least in California) an employer can fire an employee at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all due to the “at-will employment doctrine”, but I think that it should be common decency to at least disclose why someone is being let go-especially in your case, since you were getting positive feedback up until that point. That just seems cruel.
Seconded. I still don't understand why I got let go from one job I really liked. I think it was because I balked at something sexist my manager said though. But who knows. Employment in California can be pretty wild in general tho.@@thisisarianna
I was a manager for Arby's once. The other managers actually decided they hated me and would make me do things that got me in trouble so I could be transferred to another store. In a year-and-a-half, I worked at over 6 locations. The people at one of the locations I worked at were lazy and some were stealing money. The manager was having an affair with an assistant manager and they were married to other people. I was born in the Bay Area and when I was there for my Navy computer school I noticed that people there can be really rude on a large scale.
this video is SO cathartic. having worked soley in hospitality, and having autism and adhd, everything u said was so relatable. it is so nice to feel like i have a shared experience with another human, even if we have never met lol!
So interesting! When i was a teenager, i couldn't do things like make phone calls, ask for help in shops and i avoided alot of things. I discovered alcohol and fake confidence, was offered a job in a bar. I learned how to be sociable, how to hold conversations, how to sell, how to make people like me. People would say they found me fake (masking) or even "b1tchy" until they got to know me. I would upset people with rules, if i had a meltdown people would be so shocked. I was well known in the bar scene, always invited to parties but i was SO LONELY because it was all a mask. I was only very recently diagnosed as autistic (38 now) and looking back it was both working as a bartender was a huge benefit to learning how to be sociable but also caused me so much struggle, burnout and confusion.
Thinking back, me being a waiter was insane, 2 months before me getting my job i was mute and talking to people made me have panic attacks. I was such a good waiter but the most fake person ever, i had a script i had to use for every order and if some one differed from that I would freeze and i have a very blank face and monotone voice, but i was told i always had to smile to people, so id walk up to the table expresionless and then id get there and put on a fake smile and then drop it immediately when i was finished. I would do my job so well but something was always just off, I couldnt figure out that i didnt need to constantly be doing everything, and if someone else wasnt doing their job, that i didnt need to pick up the slack. All the upper management loved me but any floor managers hated me because i could never talk to them, because i wasnt there to socialise and they gave me all the worst sections. Also after work, i completly shut down and couldnt do anything because my social battery was so drained. That was such a horrible job and i hated everything, but it really did help my social skills.
I felt these stories in my *soul*, it's been like this every time I've worked a job in the service industry (and outside of it too, but service jobs are another breed of unfriendly space to autistics). I remember this one time where almost died during a shift and then just kept working so as to not be a burden on my colleagues. Every job I've had I felt like I have to perform 200% so that I won't get fired because of how much harder everything is for me. Trauma is insane, man
I didn't found out I was autistic until I was in my thirties, and I have been going to therapists for years. Heck, I AM a therapist and I didn't know. Ever since learning it has explained so many things and has allowed me to better assist my patients. Now I'm able to recognize signs much more effectively. I think my work really helped me learn about both people and myself.
Given you were a therapist before getting diagnosed (unexpectedly?) was that your major Homer Moment where you went "D'OH!" when you found out? As much as I've not been a therapist, I grew up with an older autistic sister I knew was autistic, though she is also intellectually-disabled (to the best of my knowledge) and I was unexpectedly diagnosed at 31 as a result of autistic inertia causing me problems.
(undiagnosed) This is so insanely relatable. While I'm also fairly slow to catch on like you went into on the cold food example, I have a couple of personal theories -- first, I'm "slow" to catch on to these situations occurring because I'm SO used to being criticized despite good intentions that I give everyone around me tons of leeway (usually months) and constantly assume best intentions or at least assume I'm misunderstanding. So it's less a matter of being clueless and more a matter of altruism imo. Second, while there are absolutely times I'm clueless to the social contract or how I'm behaving is making others feel (e.g. facial expression, tone of voice, body language) these tend to be when I'm already cognitively bottlenecked from being stressed out by others' behavior -- but more importantly, and more frequently, I sincerely believe NTs simply go through life less conscientiously and less aware. They assimilate more fully in their chosen environments, so good for them, but I think that has less to do with their social intelligence and more to do with them *filtering their social environments by constantly committing faux pas throughout their lives* until they end up somewhere that they're a good fit. I think, at least in my case, I'm more socially intelligent as a generalist and NTs are more socially intelligent in their filtered environments where their idiosyncracies get a free pass. This has become especially evident to me over my life as I've seen how often NTs villify people, commit to tunnel vision, and avoid accountability. HARD agree on closers! Lol
Undiagnosed high masking here. Your stories are extremely relatable to me. I got my first official job at age 20 (I only did landscaping before), I worked in a now defunked retail chain that was a cross of barns and noble,best buy, and block buster video. I was constantly anxious of getting fired and totally followed the rules to a level that got me bullied by coworkers. I also was sadly bullied by two managers and someone that had it in good with those managers. The customer service was also really rough for me as I am high masking and was afraid to lose my job I would just sit there and take it. I am REALLY good at customer service and got better as not taking abuse, I actually did customer service work for 10 years (got out of the field last year yay!). It was really draining job for me and I had to learn a lot about socializing and how things worked in the "real world". I really enjoyed stocking and organizing CDs/DVDs though lol. Also got really good at preventing shoplifting too lol
I think the social code is like "conquer or be conquered" and there isn't much sympathy if you can't do the later (but that's not always possible when you have a disorder).
I get that feeling of a deeply embarrassing old memory and I feel more embarrassed than at the time. I get that feeling a few times a day. I was a cringy kid... 😂
EVERYTHING you talked about I struggled with as a waitress!!! I didn't last as long as you. I swore I'd never be a server again. It's such a heartbreaking experience being silently hated by your coworkers without knowing why.
I used to work as a waiter. I wore a fit bit and the morning I would wake up for a shift, my heart rate would go from my normal 70 up to at least 120, continue the entire day (slight decrease during lunch break), and only come down the moment my shift ended. Regardless of how busy it was or how much physical energy I was expending, my form of locking into work mode just kept me on edge at all times. I had to stop wearing it because it made me realise how much stress I was placing on myself
oof this one is way too real The amount of stress our bodies go under to keep up with the environment is really crazy. It’s no wonder why autistics end up having a lot of health issues
I'm sooo glad I work from home now. I worked retail and the unreasonable and rude customers were aplenty. Not to mention, a lot of them were inappropriate, for instance: I worked a register close to the front door, a gentleman walks in and doesn't say hello, good morning, etc, instead he says "You look like you need a spanking". I had a person try to guess my waist and breast measurements, completely unprompted. This is another topic, sorry. Anyways verrry grateful I don't have to socialize in order to work anymore.
omg i've had so many of those kinds of interactions and somehow I end up being the bad guy???????????????????????????????? jeeez long life to homeoffice
@@jclyntoledo That's because it IS weird for that to happen. And no, it wasn't in a lingerie store, I worked at a store that sold materials to build and remodel homes.
I worked at a home improvement store too, for over 8 years, as a cashier. And most of that time was on the commercial end where the contractors would constantly say I was too pretty to pout and that if I really wanted to be made happy, they could help me with that and then wink at me. Like, EW, GROSS! I learned quickly how to put them in their place without complaining to management about the obscene suggestions and advances made on me. Not like management cared though 🙄
@@fabiatrump8734 Well it sounds like we've had the same experience; the instances I'm describing were when I worked at a home improvement store at the contractors end too, lol.
I can relate SO hard with your experiences, Irene!! I struggled so much with being taken advantage of in the restaurant industry & hearing this talk really put a few things into perspective for me! There were definitely a few "oooooh.... it really was the 'tism" moments as I remembered things through auti-colored glasses, lol! The frequent analyzing/scripting random memories of things where you finally get it, sometimes decades later, is a hard relate, too! I think it's a major confidence killer & an underestimated debilitating trait to be faced with mistakes & the shame of it taking YEARS to process things!
And i almost became a speech and language therapist before quitting in my fourth year, I couldn't do it, but i hope others who are autistic can do it, because therapists still don't know much about neurodiversity. I literally got so many comments such as, you speak in a monotone way, change that, work on it. You have too little eye contact with your patients,(one week), you have too much eye contact (the next week)/speaking too fast, and tried to change all my behaviors but couldn't(surprise), and so instead of giving feedback on the work, it would be only about eyecontact, or something else that wasn't even that serious. I had shutdowns every single day at the end of the day, meltdowns in the middle of the day, but i loooved helping the little kiddos. The way i could immediately sense autistic traits and my supervisor couldn't during the first session was mind boggling to me, even after listing out my reasons, 2 months later they considered it, even though we do get lectures about autism, but not in depth or just the dsm 5 would be discussed without learning about other traits, or how it looks like in adulthood. They were the reason i said f it, this sounds too much like autism, I can't change it, i quit, then went for a diagnosis, all the things that my supervisors analysed and commented on for 6 months.
I was a waiter from my junior year of high school through college and I 10000000% relate to these experiences as a person that also didn't know they were autistic. So on point.
Irene, I loved hearing all your stories from when you were a waitress, and not knowing you were autistic! I can relate so much to not understanding social cues, and those "unwritten social contracts" that everybody else besides me seems to understand, effortlessly. Being recently diagnosed autistic 6 months ago at age 60, I always instinctively knew working in the service industry would not be good for me, at all! Throughout my life, I have always worked production type of jobs, because those types of jobs don't require interacting with customers/the public, or handling money, which really scared me. Even so, I have struggled so much even just interacting with co-workers! It seems that no matter how well things might start out when I begin a new job, inevitably everyone "gets the memo" that Christine is not part of the group, and I end up being ostracized. It's not a good feeling, and it reminds me of being back in school and being "the weird kid" that nobody wanted to hang out with. Now that I know I'm autistic, it makes more sense why this has been my experience. But it still hurts, and it's still a struggle. It makes it very difficult to find a job I can excel at, because so many available jobs are in some type of service industry.
With my experience working in a restaurant, I completely agree with your analysis on openers vs closers. My priorities and style of work ethic were always more compatible with closers and closing shifts.
I work at a cafe/restaurant/deli and it’s my first job since moving countries. I relate to this so much and the added cultural differences and humor just adds to the dread and anxiety around work for me. I got pretty good at my “script” back at home but now I’m back to square one and a bit too old to be as clueless as I am
Irene, you have saved me in so many ways. You’ve helped me realized my personal struggle with undiagnosed autism. I’ve validated and encouraged me to get help. And through your podcast, I learned about the single case agreement plan for services, and my insurance offers that. I can’t express how thankful I am for all your help, worksheets, and honest videos. ❤
Its so hard to follow rules cause some of them are rules that don't apply to every single scenario and have to take into account a plethora of things that most of the times are uncertain...
i did this with being a hostess. i was clearly spectrumy and the manager was an asshole and he would yell at employees in front of customers. add in loud live music and overlapping noises and it was the perfect combination for the worst job experience tbh. i managed to last 6 months so that was actually impressive and i did learn some social cues. apparently it's rude to ask someone why they decided left college. and i need to smile more, even when there's two folks in the restaurant and they're on the other side. i also have dyscalculia and occasionally, i'd miscount tables or write the wrong number down or miscalculate things. the manager would have blow ups and a few times he would say i play dumb...like no dumbass, i'm just slow give me some grace. other than my occasional social slip ups and number issues, i was actually a great employee otherwise and he seemed to like me sometimes. def was an experience and i'm actually grateful for it.
OMG I'm currently working at a restaurant as a severe ADHDer (who knows what else) and the fast-paced environment, the chaos are so exhausting so I was looking for such video. What a coincidence! I'm also aware that they constantly want to fire me for being too slow, despite me running and sweating (I make drinks and clean at the same time, and many other things at once). I feel like it will come soon and one part of me wish for that since I feel like week after week of ~12 hrs shifts exhausts and send me back into depression more and more. This is the only job I've got in the last 6+ months, despite efforts.
This makes me extra glad to live in a country where tipping isn't required/expected because we have a living minimum wage. I have never worked in hospitality, it sounds very difficult to navigate 💜
Thank you for this episode! When I told people as a teenager that I just CANNOT be a waitress they did not understand, and I didn’t have the words to explain really why. Now that I have my diagnosis, I finally fully understand, and could explain. Waiting would be my nightmare, kudos to you for doing it!!!
I could relate to so many things! I've worked as a waitress for a short period and after that I've worked at other places with customer service and as a receptionist at hotels. I hated it! I was exhausted after every shift because my coworkers just didn't understand me and I felt so out of place. It's not a good fit for me to handle people that much, I could never relax and I worked too hard to be able to prove that I deserve to be employed. I didn't know I'm Autistic back then but now I realize why it was so hard for me to always fake it and forget about my own needs.
Hi❣️. Thank you for all your work and sharing with us. You are a great help. I became a Barista to better learn people. It did not help. But I can make a great espresso!!!
I worked as a cocktail server in a casino for 4 years! Talk about unspoken social contracts. I appreciate the experience though cuz in many ways it helped me realize my diagnosis.
Carding policy has actually gotten more strict these days, which frankly I love on behalf of customer service workers (thankfully I don’t have to do that anymore). City regulations around here just mandate carding everyone, no exceptions.
Omg this is so dang relatable, from the beggining to end, girl SAME!!! Also also i totally understood the thing you said about not being able to scold someone in a way where you dont look pissed off but at the same time you mean business like i cannot for the life of me tell someone off and also not seem like im really serious and angry and therefore make them hate me even more. Everytime, I say things so seriously and literally that people just always take it personally but sometimes I'm really just pointing out something that I don't think is right, but I come off as a bitch. ALSO the thing with the closers is so true 😭😭😭😭😭 Cause everyone just wants to leave as soon as possible so no one slacks off, best motivation for teamwork for sure. That's totally why I also prefer doing closing shifts because stuff has to get done and we all help each other, even the lazy ones get their shit together.
I have so many stories, but I'll stick with one. I worked at an ice cream shop at one point and after I was promoted to be an opening manager, I had to learn how to make ice cream... And I had to also serve customers because I would be there by myself until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Task switching was so hard for me, that I would frequently need to stay after my shift to finish making all the ice cream that I needed to. I was the only one that struggled with this. It bothered the higher ups so much that they sent someone to teach me how to do it "faster". This was several months into me having that position and ofc it didn't help. That summer I worked at a different location once a week that was busier, so I had to make even more ice cream than my regular location and I would finish early. However, because it was busier I had someone helping with customers from the time we opened. My boss ended up asking me how I was able to finish early at the busier location but not my regular. Even though I was undiagnosed I knew it was because of task switching (I didn't have the words to call it that, but I was able to explain). Forever after that she told me however long it took me to finish my work was okay, as long I finished before I left. She ended up shielding me from the higher ups. Any time they had beef with me (they had secret shoppers) she would tell me about it in a lighthearted manner and encourage me, but I was never in trouble for any of it. She was a great boss that gave me accommodations without me asking for them and without knowing why I needed them. I was so lucky to have her 😊
I became a massage therapist to understand the importance of touch, and to get comfortable with it. I'm told I was actually really good! Anyways, now I'm an engineer lol.
This is very relatable and I came to the recent realisation that I used customer service (supermarket and then 6 years in a bottle-shop) as a way to practice my social techniques. I realised I now treat ALL my social interactions other than my highly autistic friend as though they are a customer at my shop hahah. I dont know what to make of this! It was such a well structured environment to interact with people, I know my purpose, I know their intentions, there is no struggle to know when to start talking, or when the conversation is supposed to end, I still struggled with upselling at the counter because it just felt like such a morally offensive thing to do, and usually only made genuine recommendations that I thought they would like. But yeah, it seems counter intuitive to be attracted to very social positions but it was a fantastic learning experience. I am now a boilermaker which is fantastic as I can be left alone all day doing my thing, and I still use the conversation techniques I learnt in service when I am interacting with managers and other workers in order to, I dont quite know how to describe it, manage them and their expectations of me and to push things towards the way I like them without seeing rude and difficult as I may have in the past. I am not sure if it is "bad, malipulatory" behaviour but I have gotten very good at making my ideas seem like other peoples ideas in order to be able to do things my way if that makes sense? Each person requires a different level of effort to do this, and some qill simply be happy with strait up accepting my ideas but some require a lot more effort. I hate it when sub contracting companies send out a different worker occasionally as I suddenly come to a complete halt as I have no idea how to manage this person and have to go back to observation mode hahah
My mother always suggested this to me. I never did it because I was too scared of people. I was also afraid of dropping the tray and breaking all the dishes.
Oh my goodness, you've taken me back to when I was a waitress for several months. Service jobs are so tricky and it is a big lesson in socialising for sure. Where I worked the evening shift wasn't as good because we had to stay until all customers had left, whether that was 10pm or midnight. There were also split shifts which I couldn't cope with so you'd work 6am until after lunch around 1pm, we'd then go home for a few hours and come back at 5pm until 10pm onwards. I was exhausted but other people didn't seem to suffer during those shifts. 🤔
i’m on shift @ my barista job so i can’t watch the whole thing yet - but same, but in the coffee industry! i love it! i get overstimulated sometimes, but i really like all of my regulars @ my new spot. really sweet people who don’t mind how little eye contact i make.
I love videos like these where you tell your experiences and the observations you got from it because even thought I do this a lot already with my experiences and analyse everything, its still so good to know that I'm not alone and that a lot of experiences that I haven't really related to austism yet, now they make so much more sense (like the closing thing, omg that is truly why I asked to only do those shifts at work).
Used to work in food service in the past. I hated working the register because the constant face to face interaction and having to appear happy was too much. Loved working “back of house” positions because I could zone out and do the same task over and over again.
I worked at a fast food place that had "The customer is always right!" displayed. I hated it because people would say that they wanted their food for free because the customer is always right. I just told them they could talk to the manager. That is the dumbest saying. No one is always right.
The fast food place I worked at had mentally ill, former convicts, immigrants and teenagers working there. I was a mentally ill teenager so I didn't feel out of place socially. I was too slow moving and got yelled at nonstop for that. I didn't know that I was autistic and had a slower physical processing speed.
I applaud you for your sense of justice, my fear of authority makes it to where I want to say something but I fear the "repercussions" of saying something, but I know that at some point I do/would and it'd be point blank why I think their entitlement is irrational and they need to drop a few pegs bc why are you acting like this? I'm not stopping the world for you when I need to keep mine running
Dear Irene, I rarely comment, but I wanted to thank you for the content you’ve put out recently. Your video on conscious uncoupling helped me towards some major realizations regarding my parents breakup and also a rough breakup of a very deep friendship that’s deeply affected me the past months. For the first time in months, I felt truly validated in my feelings, my grief and my struggles, and it has really helped me to accept where I stand right now and opened space for me to heal and start taking control over my life. In so many snippets of your videos, you have made me feel validated in my struggles and opened up spaces in my head to structure my life bit by bit in ways I can support and nourish myself. Thanks for sharing your experience, knowledge and for being so vulnerable out there. I’m truly grateful to have you as an internet stranger support my journey. Love from Germany! P.S. also very much Team grey, I loved your considerate comments on the middle ground video!
As a waitress I had to mask SUPER hard, and it required soooo much energy from me to be able to do that. I had constant social anxiety :( but it taught it how to mask really well and because of that I was able to carry my mask into other social situations
I’m really appreciating your videos, especially this one. I much older now, but I’m actually experiencing some healing listening to your experiences while looking back on going through almost exactly the same experiences always feeling completely mystified, but also traumatized and in shock while being high functioning due to severe compartmentalization, that turned out to be so bad for my health. Sometime after 40 I knew I needed to get to the bottom of what’s behind the curtain of that unspoken social contract. Eventually, was able to make much-needed connections and get all the original and complete teachings from the cultures that haven’t lost track of who we still are in so called modern times. I was able to fully integrate all that I am which takes a huge load off the shock and trauma of modern day, yet so much support is still needed since who I am is very divergent and also very creative and very kind and very good at a lot of things that are supportive to the wellness of all that life is in earth. Thank you for bringing your caring energy to the community
I work at a restaurant, I like to say that I have only 2 clients. I make gélatos for 2 place, so it's get in, do my thing, put it all in the freezer, get out and leave. They give me their order at the start of the season, from there I manage my inventory and my schedule. The only time I actualy have to talk to somebody is when there are event that I need to know about in order to make more gélatos accordingly. I use to work back of the conter solo position, as long as the clients stay on "script" I was fine, did have the occasionnal not fun one. I am a closer, I just dont understand those who leave a mess for the nex schift to pic up
I can relate to this so much. As soon as you mentioned the amount of minutes required for things at your waitress job, the first thing that popped in my head was using a stop watch to help me track the minutes for everything 😂😂 and yet I’m still undiagnosed because “I’m too smart.” 🤦🏽♀️
UGH I've struggled so much at work, and this happens to me all the time, the people I work with realise I'm not "normal" and decide to take a disliking to me and that's it, because I don't adhere to or understand the unspoken social rules. I'm not diagnosed but everything I'm hearing is just so familar.
OMG thank you for the closer shoutout lmao. I was a closer for SBUX for 10 years- that vibe is real. I was the one that showed up at 1-2p ready to go already, like “alright, how can I help? where are we at with closing tasks?” For years, I thrived with the structure and how there was a defined standard operating procedure for everything that had a WHY. I loved when training a barista meant 2 weeks of dedicated training shifts, but the past couple years it was like 2-3 baristas for 4-5 days with staggered but overlapping shifts, training with someone who is working on the floor (usually me), while short-staffed. I went kinda crazy with the lack of care for basic health regulations like putting milk back in the fridge and keeping the ice bins closed - even the store manager didn’t care about those things, because it meant faster drive thru times 😰 I went kinda crazy with trying to instill the importance of health and safety to people, and ended up realizing there was nothing I could do or say to make them care if they were comfortable with the logic of “we are understaffed, therefore I can make drinks with room temp milk” Anyway- thanks for sharing, Irene. I really enjoy hearing about your experiences and how you process them, and it’s particularly helpful during this point in my life where I’ve isolated myself so much because I can’t find spaces where my values are shared.
I feel this but with post grad school. I see the same 90 classmates every week..5 days straight for 8 hours a day…I do a lot better masking if I get a break from socializing. But I don’t in school and it’s making me so miserable. I have acquaintances but no friends. It’s just hard for me to be conversation-ready everyday and I think people can detect that. Some days I just like to be by myself but it’s seen as “loner”. Not to mention, my lab mates were also mean similar to your coworkers. Because I wasn’t friends with them, they got easily annoyed if I messed up a part. But if one of their friends messed up, it was totally okay. I love being a student but I miss the dynamic of undergrad where you had your own schedule and you didn’t have to see the same people everyday for every hour
We all make mistakes even for autistic person Even myself when I Working at the grocery store I remember They taught me how to be polite to Be polite to the customer And all that stuff remember I did good when I was started but I remember I did make some couple mistakes Even some customers were upset but I just do what I can even though I told them I did try my best. No matter what if we got our strength or Weakness We just do the best we can.
This is why I couldnt be a waitress/server, its highly social. My BFF is a bartender and he's Audhd and I still to this day don't know how he does it. Socialize to his coworkers, the customers and still have enough energy...oh wait he smokes trees lol nvm. I find it funny we have to be on some sort of substance to be able to socialize/function enough.
Damn I literally did the same thing, was a waiter last year, got diagnosed last month, but tbf I already kinda knew I was autistic, that's why I became a waiter Won't lie, it was a v good experience, I recommend EVERY autistic person that can, works as a waiter, ideally in a super busy restaurant
Irene, thank you so much for sharing your perspective on the treatment of HFASD from neurotypical often presented through verbal communication as well as the insight you received. I can relate SO much! It can be hard but knowing you are not alone has helped me :)
I have dealt with a lot of this, did not do well as a closer as the co-worker bullying only occurred for closing shifts in any service/retail industry. I only lasted 3 months in the restaurant industry, never looked in that direction again.
these videos are awesome! i feel so seen and yet such a huge amount of rage that other people didn't notice that I was struggling. i'm going to actually starting working towards self-diagnosis and accommodating my support needs because you have allowed me to feel so valid. thank you again for doing what you do
I did the carding thing too as a cashier in food service! But after a couple times I decided it was awesome because the other person was flattered. I eventually stopped as well. I always did opening shifts though, so I could know that I would be home at a certain time. Thankfully I only had one co-worker in the early morning and my time was limited with co-workers that came in for the lunch shift. All of the interaction with customers was too hectic though and I burned out after 2 months.
OH. EM. HEEEEEEE. I luve how you served the cun … I mean customers. 😂😂😂🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I’ve been working with customers and customer support for more than 30 years, and I like your attitude. If a customer is gold, you treat them like platina. If they’re nasty, you treat them like they are. 🎉
The whole "checking in with customers" thing reminds me of when my church youth group volunteered at a local non-profit that ran a free Christmas store for families in need (I think they would get a gift stamp per member of their family, and were entitled to a food hamper as well). I was on clipboard duty, which I didn't like because it meant talking to people and getting their information, but all I was told to do was to ask people which church they were donating from. One older man got pissed with me because I asked twice which church he was from, and he said, "I already told you, (such-and-such church name)!" I would've much preferred being the one of the people unloading donations from people's cars and taking them inside...
The issue with my experience is despite retrospectively understanding what I did bothered someone or that they didn’t like me, I still can’t get the “why” aspect through my head. For example, when worked in a restaurant, I once forgot to salt the boiling water. My boss came over, tasted the spinach, told me to throw it all out and start over. He asked me if I salted the water, and I told him no. He got angry and scolded me, to which I apologized. After he walked away, a coworker turned to me and said, “You know, it’s okay to lie sometimes. I would’ve told him I added salt.” To this day, I still can’t wrap my head around lying about something like that. I have many other social and task mess-up stories. Working in food service is so hard.
Yeah, this is something I can relate to, too, especially for jobs where you're in a lower position. Exactly as you described. People don't necessarily value you being a good worker. They see it as an opportunity to walk all over you and they won't feel guilty. I think it might be because they think you like it or something? Or that they feel like it's your fault for not realizing it?? Idk. But if you don't follow or understand their social code, they'll take it very personally and ppl will very intentionally punish you for it. It's like to them the social stuff matters more than being reliable or loyal... I think I can understand it conceptually but emotionally it's very hard to relate to and it hurts to think about it.
It's so frustrating when people explain something as a rule, but then you're not allowed to follow it strictly and have to take it as some kind of serious suggestion. Like just tell me what to do! wth😓
Hi. I am European and autistic. I hate the American culture of checking in (and forcing me to think of a response) on me every few minutes. I can 't blame either (European/American? Autistic/Allistic?) but it seems to me that US culture is harder on autistics for both customers and workers.
This is super relatable.. almost to the point of it being triggering lol. I'll say that I have had your experience working at certain places... But I also had really great experiences working at other restaurants where the staff were all just really nice people. I found the " higher up" the restaurant was... Or the more "fancy" it was .. the worse it was in terms of what your describing. The last restaurant I worked at was a really busy but low key kind of dive bar Irish pub and it was not fancy at all... But the people were all amazing..it was so fun.. and there was none of what you are describing. But either way.. that sucks that you worked at a place like that. 🙏
I am glad I never became a server I was the hostess and would fight my coworkers about the sections they get bc I was about fairness even with coworkers I was friends with my manager used to fight with me too but I was relentless but never got fired but I think that’s why I never went up in positions and i was pretty good at keeping the sections organized 😅
all of these rules initially make sense to my autistic brain and i honestly would've done the exact same thing. i'm finding that i don't take friends as literally but at work i’m very adament about doing every task as directed. i work as a theme park photographer and we're told to help the custodians clean up our assigned areas and i’m always sure to pick up whatever i can if i don't currently have any guests. if i find a lost item, i'll take a detour to lost and found to turn it in myself due to my sense of justice even though its not my job to do so and technically messes up the schedule of the next photographer i'm supposed to be taking over for. just last night my leader told our group to stand a few feet away from our stations (it was very crowded and she wanted us to wait a bit) and 10 minutes later she came over and told me to go to my station, seeming confused why i hadn't already. she didn't seem upset but at the time i took it very personally that i had seemingly not properly judged the right time to go out because usually a leader gives us the all-clear. its exhausting being an over-achiever while watching coworkers do the bare minimum
I went to acting school for a couple years to learn how to human. It turns out I am way moore convincing of a character when given a dialog so i managed to turn a lot of my dreaded daily interactions into a script that i actually enjoy. I feel like an antropologyst exploring these intricate rituals. Like I am a mom and mother's day seems so unnecesarily complicated, restaurants are full and everything is expensive, i did not feel celebrated... but understanding it as a fertility ritual makes so much more sense and I even get to have fun and keep the little trinkets as souvenirs. We are an interesting species.
It sounds like you basically use acting school to learn how to mask better and that feels like it could be very exhausting and this is coming from someone who used to mask so much because I had severe social anxiety and executive dysfunction issues
Also if you don't understand or connect to Mother's Day you don't necessarily have to partake in any of the stuff or you can do your own Mother's Day ritual with your family that makes sense to you
@@jclyntoledo for sure, it's been a year since diagnosis so it's super obvious now that I had been perfecting my masks till the point of absolute burnout, which caused the diagnosis in the first place. I thought I was just a dash depressed.
i've struggled a lot with work throughout my life as well. poor social skills destroyed one of my careers before it even began and i didn't understand why until much, much later. for a while, i tried to figure it out, but it's just not worth the effort and burnout. it leaves me almost completely unemployable because jobs without social contact are difficult to get and rarer.
Bruh I did the same exact thing working at CVS. I was also told to card anyone who looked below like 40 buying alcohol, and people would get pissed at me or laugh and I would be like well that's the rule dndnndjkemnfnfjjfjcjc
There is always that one customer who wants their drink a super specific way. When i was a barista, i would have so much anxiety making drinks for customers like that. I would end up asking someone else make it sometimes too 27:23
Unrelated but I always loveee your makeup looks. you always look so pretty and put together! a video on makeup would be interesting, considering it could relate to sensory issues sometimes. any tips?
Two years ago I got a cashier job at CVS (first retail job) and my boss told me to "stay in the green zone (front of the store) and greet customers as they came in." My dumbass took that literally lmao. I would just stand there at the front and greet people instead of facing the store when I wasn't busy, and one person jokingly commented "Oh wow, they have an official greeter now." I still don't know if I'm on the spectrum, but looking back, a lot of my behavior points in that direction...
Just based on the title this is how I felt about being a cashier/working retail. I do not think I would be nearly as comfortable chatting with random folks had I not had that job experience. Granted I didn't do it on purpose nor would I wholly recommend retail as a "fix" for socialization struggles as it certainly added to my mental health issues in other ways but still. Not me realizing now how many rules I also followed that were probably also not meant to be literal. I am so mad now. Why make rules if we aren't supposed to follow them--I genuinely do not understand...
I think this is going to be long AF but…I had such an awful experience a few months ago with a new employer. I have around 5 years of barista experience under my belt, and genuinely loved working with my hands and the rhythm of being busy making drinks. Loved it, so when I moved across the country & into an apartment above a coffee shop…I was excited to apply there once they posted that they needed help. Apply I did, and I got the job. I told them I wanted to work closing shifts only (as I always have) and they were receptive. One training shift I was working alongside a man who was an ex-cook at his last job, he mentioned how if you work morning shifts you have to cook (something I’ve never done) but, he didn’t cook because he told them he didn’t want to. Cool. I don’t want to work mornings anyways, but if I end up doing it…I’ll let them know I’m not comfortable! After we close I get a text from the manager asking if I could come in tomorrow for a morning shift “just to see how it goes & in case you ever need to cover” ugh, I guess. I show up…and there’s myself, the manager, and another barista. The barista didn’t respond to my hello. She seemed like she had everything under control. Okay. I’ll position myself on register I guess… the coffee shop I worked at before we had a printer for drink orders, and I also knew how to mark cups. I asked the barista what her preference was for me to relay the order. She said she’ll just listen in and make the drinks as they come up. Okay, sure. We have a small rush, and people ordered food… and there was maybe 5 drinks in queue. The manager waves me over and tells me I need to cook all this stuff (oatmeal, toasts, sandwiches…) and I say “oh sorry, I don’t feel comfortable cookings. I’m still learning how to cook for myself at home actually.” Wrong answer. She sighs and said “well, we really want to train our baristas to cook too.” And I’m thinking, this is redundant because I don’t want to work mornings. I swallow my pride and look on as she “teaches” me the recipes. The barista walks over, angry at me. She said “why didn’t you prep my drinks for me?” Confused. She hadn’t asked me to do that. I didn’t know this stores specific recipes so, I tried my best. I pumped 3 pumps of vanilla into a cup. She grabs it, dumps it out, and says “we only pump 1.5” Okay. Americano, I can do that. I grab a cup sleeve and put it on the cup to prepare the hot water going in. She grabs it after I placed it down and took the sleeve off. “We don’t give them sleeves for smalls.” What? Okay? I leaned against the counter and she said “first time working in coffee?” I respond with “I’ve been a barista for 5 years.” She scoffed. Her hostility got to me and I had to go to the back and I just started crying. I had a meltdown. The manager comes and finds me and I tell her “I’m sorry, I think the barista hates me. I didn’t feel like I had been trained in what she was expecting from me. I’m a really good barista, but it just takes learning the store. I’m autistic and I don’t feel comfortable learning through trial and error.” Or something in that nature. Big mistake. She told me, kindly, to go home and “we’ll talk”. 10 minutes later the schedule got posted without me on it. It didn’t matter what my potential was. I was immediately let go. I’m still bitter about it, but I’m really happy I didn’t have to cook. Sigh. It took a month of me bothering them for them to pay me for my training. They ended up paying in cash, lol. It was awful and they let me down so much. The most notable time there, though, was when I was working my second “training” shift with the ex-cook, there was a holiday party going on. He over served and over poured everyone’s bar drinks. He even began giving away free bottles of beer and the bottles of liquor that was “almost empty”. It was a real liability. That guy, also, liked to work with his gun on his hip…It’s a coffee shop, Brad. Anyway I definitely let the manager hear all about that and thanked them for such a thorough attempt at training me properly. Woof. Thanks for reading!
Ooof. I would've been crying in the back too had a co-worker treated me like that. I don't like trial and error either, I much prefer expectations and procedures to be clearly laid out so I can perform the way they want.
Oof for real! that’s just messed up, I’m sorry. though also a bit relieved to hear you’re out of there though? having to chase people to get paid is a bad sign, other barista sounds rough, and closing with Brad sounds potentially…dangerous? man I’m really hoping you’ve got an infinitely better one now or super soon! 💜
5:51 - I worked at a liquor store and I think carding anyone under 40 is required regardless of how clearly adult they may appear. Cops love sending random underage scouts to check and business you work for may lose their liquor license as a consequence. I wouldn't feel bad about that one honestly.
I go in the opposite direction. I am a welder, I don’t have to talk to anyone, and it’s perfectly acceptable to have a “bad” attitude. I don’t have to socialize at all and I don’t have to pretend to like ppl. The boss says weld this, and I say ok.
Perfect job. Hi from Russia
Lol, that's fine!
I’m in a similar situation and it’s great
Dream job
if my body didn’t suck i would totally be a welder
The number of times I heard that I'm a beast, a workhorse, how my managers all wished they had a dozen employees like me only to be consistently passed over for raises, underpaid, overworked and utterly taken advantage of is unreal. Being Autistic when they gave me that "Work ethic" plugin I totally bought in. Give 110%, go above and beyond, make yourself irreplaceable were all just doing the bare minimum in my eyes. But at the same time I consistently undersold myself and was chronically underachieving career wise because I never thought I was good enough to seek promotions or positions outside of entry-level minimum wage jobs since I couldn't figure out the peopling game.
You said it
Are you me lol? After being bullied out of my last job after 8 years of frankly being the best there and working my absolute ass off I finally came to the conclusion that the system is flawed and I won't be able to change that and that me selling my soul to these companies is destroying me and not worth it. Now I landed a pretty good job in IT without basically any education in that field and I'm living my best life giving zero fucks lmao.
wow, this is like reading a story about my life, had the same experiences and feedback when it came to work.
@@_Lord_of_Misrule_ how? o_o I have worked in IT for 8+ years and wasn't able to find any job in the last 7 years because of autism (I'm not in the usa though)
@@imaginefaraway I know I was thinking maybe they are in a low entry job that just needed 1 or 2 certifications like IT support
I could deal w socializing w customers, could deal w the bright lights, the overstimulation, the carding of customers, the rudeness, but the thing that eventually made me quit was the social punishment delved by my coworkers for keeping to myself. Why cant ppl just leave alone and let be? The worst was having to hear them talk shit about each other behind each others backs and somehow pretend to be nice to each others face? Like why with the lying if yall dont like each other? So frustrating! Especially bc my boss couldnt stay professional and didnt like me either. It gave me anxiety bc i was under scrutiny even though i followed all the rules (saving the company money in the process) and yet i was the only one being reprimanded for the smallest NONSENSICAL things
As I am hearing this I am just noticing autistic people just can't work and if they do they are perceived in a number of ways. We just can't work!!! It just doesn't work. I been through so much at work and I totally understand what you're talking about because I experienced it in my own many ways.
It feels like that a lot of the time. And it's not even because of the job itself, it's because of all the surrounding stuff, the social stuff, the unclear rules, the expectation around what our face is doing at any given time.
I didn't use to think I have a flat affect, but looking back I remember how many managers complained that I come in looking bored and uninterested and I don't even say hi, whereas in my mind I was the most social of butterflies. I would come in greeting everyone and vibing to music, spreading flower petals and stardust over the place and the feedback I'd get is close to "you should smile more".
@@Hopie_T nothing is enough for them, is it?
ADHDer here - I also relate to a lot of this. I’ve realized a lot of people, especially NTs will push you as far as you let them. Sometimes you just have to take the risk of being assertive or being seen as a bitch anyway. I’ve noticed even if coworkers in food service are thrown off by it at first, ultimately they’ll respect you and you’ll gain more social capital. I also learned to be less bothered by things and to stop taking things as seriously. Once I was invited to a party my manager had, I feel like more people started to accept me. I was even told that more people started to like me than when I first started working there. Sometimes it almost feels like hazing to weed out the weak or to break you. I’m thankful I haven’t had to work in that environment in years, but it can be really taxing.
Ultimately, I’ve learned that not all of your coworkers need to like you, but strategically making friends with the right people will go a long way.
The hazing part I agree with that. And I think having new workers constantly come in only to not last very long makes people a certain way. Especially if they are the ones seeing all the people come and go
Strategically making friends sounds above my skill level.
I did exactly the same thing, both a waiter, bartender and a personal trainer for the last 20 years. I was aware of a massive social deficit without realising it was Autism.
As a good closer, hearing an opener complain is one of those "I have no sympathy for you" situations.
When I was younger I would observe servers when I was dining out and map out those apparent timing obstacles and concluded I just wouldn’t be able to handle being a server 😂
This is why I can’t work a job and why I have issues with co workers. I tried my best at my last job where immediately I knew I was being singled out and not helped. So, it’s best I work for myself lol.
i tried working for a charity that i really loved but its very clear that i was so different from everyone and never really fit in. my closest coworkers were still nice to me though but it was 2 years of not fitting in and being "weird".
I'm doing voluntary work to learn how to act like a human LMAO
😂😂😂 Been there
😂😂😂
Same!
Thats the best!
Yo! I did the same thing. After 27 years now I gotta unmask 😶☺️😂😂
I've recently heard a lot of people say that it's so important to work a customer facing job while you're young so you can learn how to socialize. This hurts me every time because after years of customer service, I am even more lost. I am now unable to work because I get panic attacks when I try to start a new job.
I worked as a waitress for all of about 2-3 weeks in college. I thought it was going well, but one day I got pulled into the manager's office out of the blue. She told me that this was my chance to quit or they were going to fire me. I was, and still am, completely baffled by that because up until that point I had received nothing but positive feedback. Looking back on it, I wonder if it was some sort of social cue I missed.
I find that sometimes people will give positive feedback to those struggling in hopes that they do better
@@mauthe3054 This! Especially if they think you just need to like tweet one little thing and I think it's easily fixed they might give you a lot of encouragement like you do really great just can you work on this one little thing. I'm guessing in OP's experience they just left out the last part of saying she needed to do something different. OP definitely should have been given an actual reason before them asking her to quit.
I understand that (at least in California) an employer can fire an employee at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all due to the “at-will employment doctrine”, but I think that it should be common decency to at least disclose why someone is being let go-especially in your case, since you were getting positive feedback up until that point. That just seems cruel.
@@thisisarianna I completely agree!
Seconded. I still don't understand why I got let go from one job I really liked. I think it was because I balked at something sexist my manager said though. But who knows. Employment in California can be pretty wild in general tho.@@thisisarianna
I was a manager for Arby's once. The other managers actually decided they hated me and would make me do things that got me in trouble so I could be transferred to another store. In a year-and-a-half, I worked at over 6 locations. The people at one of the locations I worked at were lazy and some were stealing money. The manager was having an affair with an assistant manager and they were married to other people. I was born in the Bay Area and when I was there for my Navy computer school I noticed that people there can be really rude on a large scale.
this video is SO cathartic. having worked soley in hospitality, and having autism and adhd, everything u said was so relatable. it is so nice to feel like i have a shared experience with another human, even if we have never met lol!
Right!
same!!!! i love it
So interesting! When i was a teenager, i couldn't do things like make phone calls, ask for help in shops and i avoided alot of things. I discovered alcohol and fake confidence, was offered a job in a bar. I learned how to be sociable, how to hold conversations, how to sell, how to make people like me. People would say they found me fake (masking) or even "b1tchy" until they got to know me. I would upset people with rules, if i had a meltdown people would be so shocked. I was well known in the bar scene, always invited to parties but i was SO LONELY because it was all a mask. I was only very recently diagnosed as autistic (38 now) and looking back it was both working as a bartender was a huge benefit to learning how to be sociable but also caused me so much struggle, burnout and confusion.
Thinking back, me being a waiter was insane, 2 months before me getting my job i was mute and talking to people made me have panic attacks. I was such a good waiter but the most fake person ever, i had a script i had to use for every order and if some one differed from that I would freeze and i have a very blank face and monotone voice, but i was told i always had to smile to people, so id walk up to the table expresionless and then id get there and put on a fake smile and then drop it immediately when i was finished. I would do my job so well but something was always just off, I couldnt figure out that i didnt need to constantly be doing everything, and if someone else wasnt doing their job, that i didnt need to pick up the slack. All the upper management loved me but any floor managers hated me because i could never talk to them, because i wasnt there to socialise and they gave me all the worst sections. Also after work, i completly shut down and couldnt do anything because my social battery was so drained. That was such a horrible job and i hated everything, but it really did help my social skills.
I felt these stories in my *soul*, it's been like this every time I've worked a job in the service industry (and outside of it too, but service jobs are another breed of unfriendly space to autistics). I remember this one time where almost died during a shift and then just kept working so as to not be a burden on my colleagues. Every job I've had I felt like I have to perform 200% so that I won't get fired because of how much harder everything is for me. Trauma is insane, man
I didn't found out I was autistic until I was in my thirties, and I have been going to therapists for years. Heck, I AM a therapist and I didn't know. Ever since learning it has explained so many things and has allowed me to better assist my patients. Now I'm able to recognize signs much more effectively. I think my work really helped me learn about both people and myself.
Given you were a therapist before getting diagnosed (unexpectedly?) was that your major Homer Moment where you went "D'OH!" when you found out?
As much as I've not been a therapist, I grew up with an older autistic sister I knew was autistic, though she is also intellectually-disabled (to the best of my knowledge) and I was unexpectedly diagnosed at 31 as a result of autistic inertia causing me problems.
(undiagnosed) This is so insanely relatable. While I'm also fairly slow to catch on like you went into on the cold food example, I have a couple of personal theories -- first, I'm "slow" to catch on to these situations occurring because I'm SO used to being criticized despite good intentions that I give everyone around me tons of leeway (usually months) and constantly assume best intentions or at least assume I'm misunderstanding. So it's less a matter of being clueless and more a matter of altruism imo.
Second, while there are absolutely times I'm clueless to the social contract or how I'm behaving is making others feel (e.g. facial expression, tone of voice, body language) these tend to be when I'm already cognitively bottlenecked from being stressed out by others' behavior -- but more importantly, and more frequently, I sincerely believe NTs simply go through life less conscientiously and less aware. They assimilate more fully in their chosen environments, so good for them, but I think that has less to do with their social intelligence and more to do with them *filtering their social environments by constantly committing faux pas throughout their lives* until they end up somewhere that they're a good fit. I think, at least in my case, I'm more socially intelligent as a generalist and NTs are more socially intelligent in their filtered environments where their idiosyncracies get a free pass. This has become especially evident to me over my life as I've seen how often NTs villify people, commit to tunnel vision, and avoid accountability.
HARD agree on closers! Lol
100% agree
Undiagnosed high masking here. Your stories are extremely relatable to me. I got my first official job at age 20 (I only did landscaping before), I worked in a now defunked retail chain that was a cross of barns and noble,best buy, and block buster video. I was constantly anxious of getting fired and totally followed the rules to a level that got me bullied by coworkers. I also was sadly bullied by two managers and someone that had it in good with those managers. The customer service was also really rough for me as I am high masking and was afraid to lose my job I would just sit there and take it. I am REALLY good at customer service and got better as not taking abuse, I actually did customer service work for 10 years (got out of the field last year yay!). It was really draining job for me and I had to learn a lot about socializing and how things worked in the "real world". I really enjoyed stocking and organizing CDs/DVDs though lol. Also got really good at preventing shoplifting too lol
You just explained every reason I could never be a server 😅
I think the social code is like "conquer or be conquered" and there isn't much sympathy if you can't do the later (but that's not always possible when you have a disorder).
I get that feeling of a deeply embarrassing old memory and I feel more embarrassed than at the time. I get that feeling a few times a day. I was a cringy kid... 😂
EVERYTHING you talked about I struggled with as a waitress!!! I didn't last as long as you. I swore I'd never be a server again. It's such a heartbreaking experience being silently hated by your coworkers without knowing why.
I used to work as a waiter. I wore a fit bit and the morning I would wake up for a shift, my heart rate would go from my normal 70 up to at least 120, continue the entire day (slight decrease during lunch break), and only come down the moment my shift ended. Regardless of how busy it was or how much physical energy I was expending, my form of locking into work mode just kept me on edge at all times. I had to stop wearing it because it made me realise how much stress I was placing on myself
oof this one is way too real
The amount of stress our bodies go under to keep up with the environment is really crazy. It’s no wonder why autistics end up having a lot of health issues
I'm sooo glad I work from home now. I worked retail and the unreasonable and rude customers were aplenty. Not to mention, a lot of them were inappropriate, for instance: I worked a register close to the front door, a gentleman walks in and doesn't say hello, good morning, etc, instead he says "You look like you need a spanking". I had a person try to guess my waist and breast measurements, completely unprompted. This is another topic, sorry. Anyways verrry grateful I don't have to socialize in order to work anymore.
omg i've had so many of those kinds of interactions and somehow I end up being the bad guy???????????????????????????????? jeeez long life to homeoffice
Did you work at a lingerie store?! It just seems weird for that to happen
@@jclyntoledo That's because it IS weird for that to happen. And no, it wasn't in a lingerie store, I worked at a store that sold materials to build and remodel homes.
I worked at a home improvement store too, for over 8 years, as a cashier. And most of that time was on the commercial end where the contractors would constantly say I was too pretty to pout and that if I really wanted to be made happy, they could help me with that and then wink at me. Like, EW, GROSS! I learned quickly how to put them in their place without complaining to management about the obscene suggestions and advances made on me. Not like management cared though 🙄
@@fabiatrump8734 Well it sounds like we've had the same experience; the instances I'm describing were when I worked at a home improvement store at the contractors end too, lol.
I totally served tables in college with the intention of get better at socializing, too!
I can relate SO hard with your experiences, Irene!!
I struggled so much with being taken advantage of in the restaurant industry & hearing this talk really put a few things into perspective for me!
There were definitely a few "oooooh.... it really was the 'tism" moments as I remembered things through auti-colored glasses, lol!
The frequent analyzing/scripting random memories of things where you finally get it, sometimes decades later, is a hard relate, too! I think it's a major confidence killer & an underestimated debilitating trait to be faced with mistakes & the shame of it taking YEARS to process things!
And i almost became a speech and language therapist before quitting in my fourth year, I couldn't do it, but i hope others who are autistic can do it, because therapists still don't know much about neurodiversity.
I literally got so many comments such as, you speak in a monotone way, change that, work on it.
You have too little eye contact with your patients,(one week), you have too much eye contact (the next week)/speaking too fast, and tried to change all my behaviors but couldn't(surprise), and so instead of giving feedback on the work, it would be only about eyecontact, or something else that wasn't even that serious.
I had shutdowns every single day at the end of the day, meltdowns in the middle of the day, but i loooved helping the little kiddos. The way i could immediately sense autistic traits and my supervisor couldn't during the first session was mind boggling to me, even after listing out my reasons, 2 months later they considered it, even though we do get lectures about autism, but not in depth or just the dsm 5 would be discussed without learning about other traits, or how it looks like in adulthood.
They were the reason i said f it, this sounds too much like autism, I can't change it, i quit, then went for a diagnosis, all the things that my supervisors analysed and commented on for 6 months.
I was a waiter from my junior year of high school through college and I 10000000% relate to these experiences as a person that also didn't know they were autistic. So on point.
Irene, I loved hearing all your stories from when you were a waitress, and not knowing you were autistic! I can relate so much to not understanding social cues, and those "unwritten social contracts" that everybody else besides me seems to understand, effortlessly.
Being recently diagnosed autistic 6 months ago at age 60, I always instinctively knew working in the service industry would not be good for me, at all! Throughout my life, I have always worked production type of jobs, because those types of jobs don't require interacting with customers/the public, or handling money, which really scared me.
Even so, I have struggled so much even just interacting with co-workers! It seems that no matter how well things might start out when I begin a new job, inevitably everyone "gets the memo" that Christine is not part of the group, and I end up being ostracized. It's not a good feeling, and it reminds me of being back in school and being "the weird kid" that nobody wanted to hang out with.
Now that I know I'm autistic, it makes more sense why this has been my experience. But it still hurts, and it's still a struggle. It makes it very difficult to find a job I can excel at, because so many available jobs are in some type of service industry.
With my experience working in a restaurant, I completely agree with your analysis on openers vs closers. My priorities and style of work ethic were always more compatible with closers and closing shifts.
I work at a cafe/restaurant/deli and it’s my first job since moving countries. I relate to this so much and the added cultural differences and humor just adds to the dread and anxiety around work for me. I got pretty good at my “script” back at home but now I’m back to square one and a bit too old to be as clueless as I am
Irene, you have saved me in so many ways. You’ve helped me realized my personal struggle with undiagnosed autism. I’ve validated and encouraged me to get help. And through your podcast, I learned about the single case agreement plan for services, and my insurance offers that.
I can’t express how thankful I am for all your help, worksheets, and honest videos. ❤
Its so hard to follow rules cause some of them are rules that don't apply to every single scenario and have to take into account a plethora of things that most of the times are uncertain...
i did this with being a hostess. i was clearly spectrumy and the manager was an asshole and he would yell at employees in front of customers. add in loud live music and overlapping noises and it was the perfect combination for the worst job experience tbh. i managed to last 6 months so that was actually impressive and i did learn some social cues. apparently it's rude to ask someone why they decided left college. and i need to smile more, even when there's two folks in the restaurant and they're on the other side. i also have dyscalculia and occasionally, i'd miscount tables or write the wrong number down or miscalculate things. the manager would have blow ups and a few times he would say i play dumb...like no dumbass, i'm just slow give me some grace. other than my occasional social slip ups and number issues, i was actually a great employee otherwise and he seemed to like me sometimes. def was an experience and i'm actually grateful for it.
OMG I'm currently working at a restaurant as a severe ADHDer (who knows what else) and the fast-paced environment, the chaos are so exhausting so I was looking for such video. What a coincidence!
I'm also aware that they constantly want to fire me for being too slow, despite me running and sweating (I make drinks and clean at the same time, and many other things at once). I feel like it will come soon and one part of me wish for that since I feel like week after week of ~12 hrs shifts exhausts and send me back into depression more and more. This is the only job I've got in the last 6+ months, despite efforts.
This makes me extra glad to live in a country where tipping isn't required/expected because we have a living minimum wage. I have never worked in hospitality, it sounds very difficult to navigate 💜
Thank you for this episode! When I told people as a teenager that I just CANNOT be a waitress they did not understand, and I didn’t have the words to explain really why. Now that I have my diagnosis, I finally fully understand, and could explain. Waiting would be my nightmare, kudos to you for doing it!!!
I could relate to so many things! I've worked as a waitress for a short period and after that I've worked at other places with customer service and as a receptionist at hotels. I hated it! I was exhausted after every shift because my coworkers just didn't understand me and I felt so out of place. It's not a good fit for me to handle people that much, I could never relax and I worked too hard to be able to prove that I deserve to be employed. I didn't know I'm Autistic back then but now I realize why it was so hard for me to always fake it and forget about my own needs.
Hi❣️. Thank you for all your work and sharing with us. You are a great help. I became a Barista to better learn people. It did not help. But I can make a great espresso!!!
hahahahah I feel it!!
I worked as a cocktail server in a casino for 4 years! Talk about unspoken social contracts. I appreciate the experience though cuz in many ways it helped me realize my diagnosis.
Carding policy has actually gotten more strict these days, which frankly I love on behalf of customer service workers (thankfully I don’t have to do that anymore). City regulations around here just mandate carding everyone, no exceptions.
Omg this is so dang relatable, from the beggining to end, girl SAME!!! Also also i totally understood the thing you said about not being able to scold someone in a way where you dont look pissed off but at the same time you mean business like i cannot for the life of me tell someone off and also not seem like im really serious and angry and therefore make them hate me even more. Everytime, I say things so seriously and literally that people just always take it personally but sometimes I'm really just pointing out something that I don't think is right, but I come off as a bitch.
ALSO the thing with the closers is so true 😭😭😭😭😭 Cause everyone just wants to leave as soon as possible so no one slacks off, best motivation for teamwork for sure. That's totally why I also prefer doing closing shifts because stuff has to get done and we all help each other, even the lazy ones get their shit together.
I have so many stories, but I'll stick with one. I worked at an ice cream shop at one point and after I was promoted to be an opening manager, I had to learn how to make ice cream... And I had to also serve customers because I would be there by myself until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Task switching was so hard for me, that I would frequently need to stay after my shift to finish making all the ice cream that I needed to. I was the only one that struggled with this. It bothered the higher ups so much that they sent someone to teach me how to do it "faster". This was several months into me having that position and ofc it didn't help.
That summer I worked at a different location once a week that was busier, so I had to make even more ice cream than my regular location and I would finish early. However, because it was busier I had someone helping with customers from the time we opened. My boss ended up asking me how I was able to finish early at the busier location but not my regular. Even though I was undiagnosed I knew it was because of task switching (I didn't have the words to call it that, but I was able to explain). Forever after that she told me however long it took me to finish my work was okay, as long I finished before I left. She ended up shielding me from the higher ups. Any time they had beef with me (they had secret shoppers) she would tell me about it in a lighthearted manner and encourage me, but I was never in trouble for any of it. She was a great boss that gave me accommodations without me asking for them and without knowing why I needed them. I was so lucky to have her 😊
I became a massage therapist to understand the importance of touch, and to get comfortable with it. I'm told I was actually really good! Anyways, now I'm an engineer lol.
for the first time ever, you taught me what take it with a grain of salt means. this seems so simple but awesomely impactful
This is very relatable and I came to the recent realisation that I used customer service (supermarket and then 6 years in a bottle-shop) as a way to practice my social techniques. I realised I now treat ALL my social interactions other than my highly autistic friend as though they are a customer at my shop hahah. I dont know what to make of this! It was such a well structured environment to interact with people, I know my purpose, I know their intentions, there is no struggle to know when to start talking, or when the conversation is supposed to end, I still struggled with upselling at the counter because it just felt like such a morally offensive thing to do, and usually only made genuine recommendations that I thought they would like.
But yeah, it seems counter intuitive to be attracted to very social positions but it was a fantastic learning experience. I am now a boilermaker which is fantastic as I can be left alone all day doing my thing, and I still use the conversation techniques I learnt in service when I am interacting with managers and other workers in order to, I dont quite know how to describe it, manage them and their expectations of me and to push things towards the way I like them without seeing rude and difficult as I may have in the past. I am not sure if it is "bad, malipulatory" behaviour but I have gotten very good at making my ideas seem like other peoples ideas in order to be able to do things my way if that makes sense? Each person requires a different level of effort to do this, and some qill simply be happy with strait up accepting my ideas but some require a lot more effort. I hate it when sub contracting companies send out a different worker occasionally as I suddenly come to a complete halt as I have no idea how to manage this person and have to go back to observation mode hahah
I became a barman to figure out how to socialise, etc. And then the explicit social rules when I joined the Navy was such a relief!
My mother always suggested this to me. I never did it because I was too scared of people. I was also afraid of dropping the tray and breaking all the dishes.
Oh my goodness, you've taken me back to when I was a waitress for several months. Service jobs are so tricky and it is a big lesson in socialising for sure. Where I worked the evening shift wasn't as good because we had to stay until all customers had left, whether that was 10pm or midnight. There were also split shifts which I couldn't cope with so you'd work 6am until after lunch around 1pm, we'd then go home for a few hours and come back at 5pm until 10pm onwards. I was exhausted but other people didn't seem to suffer during those shifts. 🤔
i’m on shift @ my barista job so i can’t watch the whole thing yet - but same, but in the coffee industry! i love it! i get overstimulated sometimes, but i really like all of my regulars @ my new spot. really sweet people who don’t mind how little eye contact i make.
I love videos like these where you tell your experiences and the observations you got from it because even thought I do this a lot already with my experiences and analyse everything, its still so good to know that I'm not alone and that a lot of experiences that I haven't really related to austism yet, now they make so much more sense (like the closing thing, omg that is truly why I asked to only do those shifts at work).
Used to work in food service in the past. I hated working the register because the constant face to face interaction and having to appear happy was too much. Loved working “back of house” positions because I could zone out and do the same task over and over again.
I worked at a fast food place that had "The customer is always right!" displayed. I hated it because people would say that they wanted their food for free because the customer is always right. I just told them they could talk to the manager. That is the dumbest saying. No one is always right.
The fast food place I worked at had mentally ill, former convicts, immigrants and teenagers working there. I was a mentally ill teenager so I didn't feel out of place socially. I was too slow moving and got yelled at nonstop for that. I didn't know that I was autistic and had a slower physical processing speed.
I applaud you for your sense of justice, my fear of authority makes it to where I want to say something but I fear the "repercussions" of saying something, but I know that at some point I do/would and it'd be point blank why I think their entitlement is irrational and they need to drop a few pegs bc why are you acting like this? I'm not stopping the world for you when I need to keep mine running
Dear Irene,
I rarely comment, but I wanted to thank you for the content you’ve put out recently. Your video on conscious uncoupling helped me towards some major realizations regarding my parents breakup and also a rough breakup of a very deep friendship that’s deeply affected me the past months. For the first time in months, I felt truly validated in my feelings, my grief and my struggles, and it has really helped me to accept where I stand right now and opened space for me to heal and start taking control over my life.
In so many snippets of your videos, you have made me feel validated in my struggles and opened up spaces in my head to structure my life bit by bit in ways I can support and nourish myself. Thanks for sharing your experience, knowledge and for being so vulnerable out there. I’m truly grateful to have you as an internet stranger support my journey.
Love from Germany!
P.S. also very much Team grey, I loved your considerate comments on the middle ground video!
As a waitress I had to mask SUPER hard, and it required soooo much energy from me to be able to do that. I had constant social anxiety :( but it taught it how to mask really well and because of that I was able to carry my mask into other social situations
This was simultaneously so painful and cathartic to listen to, as a neurodivergent former waitress! 😭😭😭 Same. Same.
I’m really appreciating your videos, especially this one. I much older now, but I’m actually experiencing some healing listening to your experiences while looking back on going through almost exactly the same experiences always feeling completely mystified, but also traumatized and in shock while being high functioning due to severe compartmentalization, that turned out to be so bad for my health. Sometime after 40 I knew I needed to get to the bottom of what’s behind the curtain of that unspoken social contract. Eventually, was able to make much-needed connections and get all the original and complete teachings from the cultures that haven’t lost track of who we still are in so called modern times. I was able to fully integrate all that I am which takes a huge load off the shock and trauma of modern day, yet so much support is still needed since who I am is very divergent and also very creative and very kind and very good at a lot of things that are supportive to the wellness of all that life is in earth.
Thank you for bringing your caring energy to the community
I work at a restaurant, I like to say that I have only 2 clients. I make gélatos for 2 place, so it's get in, do my thing, put it all in the freezer, get out and leave. They give me their order at the start of the season, from there I manage my inventory and my schedule. The only time I actualy have to talk to somebody is when there are event that I need to know about in order to make more gélatos accordingly. I use to work back of the conter solo position, as long as the clients stay on "script" I was fine, did have the occasionnal not fun one. I am a closer, I just dont understand those who leave a mess for the nex schift to pic up
I can relate to this so much. As soon as you mentioned the amount of minutes required for things at your waitress job, the first thing that popped in my head was using a stop watch to help me track the minutes for everything 😂😂 and yet I’m still undiagnosed because “I’m too smart.” 🤦🏽♀️
UGH I've struggled so much at work, and this happens to me all the time, the people I work with realise I'm not "normal" and decide to take a disliking to me and that's it, because I don't adhere to or understand the unspoken social rules. I'm not diagnosed but everything I'm hearing is just so familar.
OMG thank you for the closer shoutout lmao. I was a closer for SBUX for 10 years- that vibe is real. I was the one that showed up at 1-2p ready to go already, like “alright, how can I help? where are we at with closing tasks?”
For years, I thrived with the structure and how there was a defined standard operating procedure for everything that had a WHY. I loved when training a barista meant 2 weeks of dedicated training shifts, but the past couple years it was like 2-3 baristas for 4-5 days with staggered but overlapping shifts, training with someone who is working on the floor (usually me), while short-staffed.
I went kinda crazy with the lack of care for basic health regulations like putting milk back in the fridge and keeping the ice bins closed - even the store manager didn’t care about those things, because it meant faster drive thru times 😰 I went kinda crazy with trying to instill the importance of health and safety to people, and ended up realizing there was nothing I could do or say to make them care if they were comfortable with the logic of “we are understaffed, therefore I can make drinks with room temp milk”
Anyway- thanks for sharing, Irene. I really enjoy hearing about your experiences and how you process them, and it’s particularly helpful during this point in my life where I’ve isolated myself so much because I can’t find spaces where my values are shared.
Four minutes in, my heart hurts and I feel like crying. I can relate. Remembering the stress of my own workplace follies...
I feel this but with post grad school. I see the same 90 classmates every week..5 days straight for 8 hours a day…I do a lot better masking if I get a break from socializing. But I don’t in school and it’s making me so miserable. I have acquaintances but no friends. It’s just hard for me to be conversation-ready everyday and I think people can detect that. Some days I just like to be by myself but it’s seen as “loner”.
Not to mention, my lab mates were also mean similar to your coworkers. Because I wasn’t friends with them, they got easily annoyed if I messed up a part. But if one of their friends messed up, it was totally okay.
I love being a student but I miss the dynamic of undergrad where you had your own schedule and you didn’t have to see the same people everyday for every hour
We all make mistakes even for autistic person Even myself when I Working at the grocery store I remember They taught me how to be polite to Be polite to the customer And all that stuff remember I did good when I was started but I remember I did make some couple mistakes Even some customers were upset but I just do what I can even though I told them I did try my best. No matter what if we got our strength or Weakness We just do the best we can.
This is why I couldnt be a waitress/server, its highly social. My BFF is a bartender and he's Audhd and I still to this day don't know how he does it. Socialize to his coworkers, the customers and still have enough energy...oh wait he smokes trees lol nvm. I find it funny we have to be on some sort of substance to be able to socialize/function enough.
Damn I literally did the same thing, was a waiter last year, got diagnosed last month, but tbf I already kinda knew I was autistic, that's why I became a waiter
Won't lie, it was a v good experience, I recommend EVERY autistic person that can, works as a waiter, ideally in a super busy restaurant
Irene, thank you so much for sharing your perspective on the treatment of HFASD from neurotypical often presented through verbal communication as well as the insight you received. I can relate SO much! It can be hard but knowing you are not alone has helped me :)
I have dealt with a lot of this, did not do well as a closer as the co-worker bullying only occurred for closing shifts in any service/retail industry. I only lasted 3 months in the restaurant industry, never looked in that direction again.
these videos are awesome! i feel so seen and yet such a huge amount of rage that other people didn't notice that I was struggling. i'm going to actually starting working towards self-diagnosis and accommodating my support needs because you have allowed me to feel so valid. thank you again for doing what you do
Irene i find myself relating to each of your videos on so many levels, you are a blessing thank you so much!
I did the carding thing too as a cashier in food service! But after a couple times I decided it was awesome because the other person was flattered. I eventually stopped as well.
I always did opening shifts though, so I could know that I would be home at a certain time. Thankfully I only had one co-worker in the early morning and my time was limited with co-workers that came in for the lunch shift. All of the interaction with customers was too hectic though and I burned out after 2 months.
OH. EM. HEEEEEEE.
I luve how you served the cun … I mean customers. 😂😂😂🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I’ve been working with customers and customer support for more than 30 years, and I like your attitude.
If a customer is gold, you treat them like platina. If they’re nasty, you treat them like they are. 🎉
The whole "checking in with customers" thing reminds me of when my church youth group volunteered at a local non-profit that ran a free Christmas store for families in need (I think they would get a gift stamp per member of their family, and were entitled to a food hamper as well). I was on clipboard duty, which I didn't like because it meant talking to people and getting their information, but all I was told to do was to ask people which church they were donating from. One older man got pissed with me because I asked twice which church he was from, and he said, "I already told you, (such-and-such church name)!" I would've much preferred being the one of the people unloading donations from people's cars and taking them inside...
I'm autistic too, but it's ok. I understand some things and learn to cook for myself. I love my life
The issue with my experience is despite retrospectively understanding what I did bothered someone or that they didn’t like me, I still can’t get the “why” aspect through my head. For example, when worked in a restaurant, I once forgot to salt the boiling water. My boss came over, tasted the spinach, told me to throw it all out and start over. He asked me if I salted the water, and I told him no. He got angry and scolded me, to which I apologized. After he walked away, a coworker turned to me and said, “You know, it’s okay to lie sometimes. I would’ve told him I added salt.” To this day, I still can’t wrap my head around lying about something like that. I have many other social and task mess-up stories. Working in food service is so hard.
Yeah, this is something I can relate to, too, especially for jobs where you're in a lower position. Exactly as you described. People don't necessarily value you being a good worker. They see it as an opportunity to walk all over you and they won't feel guilty. I think it might be because they think you like it or something? Or that they feel like it's your fault for not realizing it?? Idk. But if you don't follow or understand their social code, they'll take it very personally and ppl will very intentionally punish you for it. It's like to them the social stuff matters more than being reliable or loyal... I think I can understand it conceptually but emotionally it's very hard to relate to and it hurts to think about it.
It's so frustrating when people explain something as a rule, but then you're not allowed to follow it strictly and have to take it as some kind of serious suggestion. Like just tell me what to do! wth😓
Right!! So weird lol
Hi. I am European and autistic. I hate the American culture of checking in (and forcing me to think of a response) on me every few minutes. I can 't blame either (European/American? Autistic/Allistic?) but it seems to me that US culture is harder on autistics for both customers and workers.
This was a great video. Very entertaining but also very much experiences that any autistic person could relate to.
This is super relatable.. almost to the point of it being triggering lol. I'll say that I have had your experience working at certain places... But I also had really great experiences working at other restaurants where the staff were all just really nice people. I found the " higher up" the restaurant was... Or the more "fancy" it was .. the worse it was in terms of what your describing. The last restaurant I worked at was a really busy but low key kind of dive bar Irish pub and it was not fancy at all... But the people were all amazing..it was so fun.. and there was none of what you are describing. But either way.. that sucks that you worked at a place like that. 🙏
I am glad I never became a server I was the hostess and would fight my coworkers about the sections they get bc I was about fairness even with coworkers I was friends with my manager used to fight with me too but I was relentless but never got fired but I think that’s why I never went up in positions and i was pretty good at keeping the sections organized 😅
I recognized there was a clique at work. But I didn't realize my place in the workplace until I watched how they treated others.
all of these rules initially make sense to my autistic brain and i honestly would've done the exact same thing. i'm finding that i don't take friends as literally but at work i’m very adament about doing every task as directed. i work as a theme park photographer and we're told to help the custodians clean up our assigned areas and i’m always sure to pick up whatever i can if i don't currently have any guests. if i find a lost item, i'll take a detour to lost and found to turn it in myself due to my sense of justice even though its not my job to do so and technically messes up the schedule of the next photographer i'm supposed to be taking over for. just last night my leader told our group to stand a few feet away from our stations (it was very crowded and she wanted us to wait a bit) and 10 minutes later she came over and told me to go to my station, seeming confused why i hadn't already. she didn't seem upset but at the time i took it very personally that i had seemingly not properly judged the right time to go out because usually a leader gives us the all-clear. its exhausting being an over-achiever while watching coworkers do the bare minimum
I went to acting school for a couple years to learn how to human. It turns out I am way moore convincing of a character when given a dialog so i managed to turn a lot of my dreaded daily interactions into a script that i actually enjoy. I feel like an antropologyst exploring these intricate rituals. Like I am a mom and mother's day seems so unnecesarily complicated, restaurants are full and everything is expensive, i did not feel celebrated... but understanding it as a fertility ritual makes so much more sense and I even get to have fun and keep the little trinkets as souvenirs. We are an interesting species.
It sounds like you basically use acting school to learn how to mask better and that feels like it could be very exhausting and this is coming from someone who used to mask so much because I had severe social anxiety and executive dysfunction issues
Also if you don't understand or connect to Mother's Day you don't necessarily have to partake in any of the stuff or you can do your own Mother's Day ritual with your family that makes sense to you
@@jclyntoledo for sure, it's been a year since diagnosis so it's super obvious now that I had been perfecting my masks till the point of absolute burnout, which caused the diagnosis in the first place. I thought I was just a dash depressed.
i've struggled a lot with work throughout my life as well. poor social skills destroyed one of my careers before it even began and i didn't understand why until much, much later. for a while, i tried to figure it out, but it's just not worth the effort and burnout. it leaves me almost completely unemployable because jobs without social contact are difficult to get and rarer.
I worked in the food industry 2 times
You and would have made excellent co-workers! Almost everything you said I can relate to!
Bruh I did the same exact thing working at CVS. I was also told to card anyone who looked below like 40 buying alcohol, and people would get pissed at me or laugh and I would be like well that's the rule dndnndjkemnfnfjjfjcjc
There is always that one customer who wants their drink a super specific way. When i was a barista, i would have so much anxiety making drinks for customers like that. I would end up asking someone else make it sometimes too 27:23
Unrelated but I always loveee your makeup looks. you always look so pretty and put together! a video on makeup would be interesting, considering it could relate to sensory issues sometimes. any tips?
I have a video on my skincare & makeup on my “Skincare” playlist-it’s unlisted so you can only find it if you go straight to the playlist itself!
I totally identify with everything you said in the video.
Two years ago I got a cashier job at CVS (first retail job) and my boss told me to "stay in the green zone (front of the store) and greet customers as they came in." My dumbass took that literally lmao. I would just stand there at the front and greet people instead of facing the store when I wasn't busy, and one person jokingly commented "Oh wow, they have an official greeter now." I still don't know if I'm on the spectrum, but looking back, a lot of my behavior points in that direction...
Love your stuff. Subbed!
Just based on the title this is how I felt about being a cashier/working retail. I do not think I would be nearly as comfortable chatting with random folks had I not had that job experience. Granted I didn't do it on purpose nor would I wholly recommend retail as a "fix" for socialization struggles as it certainly added to my mental health issues in other ways but still.
Not me realizing now how many rules I also followed that were probably also not meant to be literal. I am so mad now. Why make rules if we aren't supposed to follow them--I genuinely do not understand...
I think this is going to be long AF but…I had such an awful experience a few months ago with a new employer. I have around 5 years of barista experience under my belt, and genuinely loved working with my hands and the rhythm of being busy making drinks. Loved it, so when I moved across the country & into an apartment above a coffee shop…I was excited to apply there once they posted that they needed help. Apply I did, and I got the job. I told them I wanted to work closing shifts only (as I always have) and they were receptive. One training shift I was working alongside a man who was an ex-cook at his last job, he mentioned how if you work morning shifts you have to cook (something I’ve never done) but, he didn’t cook because he told them he didn’t want to. Cool. I don’t want to work mornings anyways, but if I end up doing it…I’ll let them know I’m not comfortable! After we close I get a text from the manager asking if I could come in tomorrow for a morning shift “just to see how it goes & in case you ever need to cover” ugh, I guess. I show up…and there’s myself, the manager, and another barista. The barista didn’t respond to my hello. She seemed like she had everything under control. Okay. I’ll position myself on register I guess… the coffee shop I worked at before we had a printer for drink orders, and I also knew how to mark cups. I asked the barista what her preference was for me to relay the order. She said she’ll just listen in and make the drinks as they come up. Okay, sure. We have a small rush, and people ordered food… and there was maybe 5 drinks in queue. The manager waves me over and tells me I need to cook all this stuff (oatmeal, toasts, sandwiches…) and I say “oh sorry, I don’t feel comfortable cookings. I’m still learning how to cook for myself at home actually.” Wrong answer. She sighs and said “well, we really want to train our baristas to cook too.” And I’m thinking, this is redundant because I don’t want to work mornings. I swallow my pride and look on as she “teaches” me the recipes. The barista walks over, angry at me. She said “why didn’t you prep my drinks for me?” Confused. She hadn’t asked me to do that. I didn’t know this stores specific recipes so, I tried my best. I pumped 3 pumps of vanilla into a cup. She grabs it, dumps it out, and says “we only pump 1.5” Okay. Americano, I can do that. I grab a cup sleeve and put it on the cup to prepare the hot water going in. She grabs it after I placed it down and took the sleeve off. “We don’t give them sleeves for smalls.” What? Okay? I leaned against the counter and she said “first time working in coffee?” I respond with “I’ve been a barista for 5 years.” She scoffed. Her hostility got to me and I had to go to the back and I just started crying. I had a meltdown. The manager comes and finds me and I tell her “I’m sorry, I think the barista hates me. I didn’t feel like I had been trained in what she was expecting from me. I’m a really good barista, but it just takes learning the store. I’m autistic and I don’t feel comfortable learning through trial and error.” Or something in that nature. Big mistake. She told me, kindly, to go home and “we’ll talk”. 10 minutes later the schedule got posted without me on it. It didn’t matter what my potential was. I was immediately let go. I’m still bitter about it, but I’m really happy I didn’t have to cook. Sigh. It took a month of me bothering them for them to pay me for my training. They ended up paying in cash, lol. It was awful and they let me down so much. The most notable time there, though, was when I was working my second “training” shift with the ex-cook, there was a holiday party going on. He over served and over poured everyone’s bar drinks. He even began giving away free bottles of beer and the bottles of liquor that was “almost empty”. It was a real liability. That guy, also, liked to work with his gun on his hip…It’s a coffee shop, Brad. Anyway I definitely let the manager hear all about that and thanked them for such a thorough attempt at training me properly. Woof. Thanks for reading!
Ooof. I would've been crying in the back too had a co-worker treated me like that. I don't like trial and error either, I much prefer expectations and procedures to be clearly laid out so I can perform the way they want.
Oof for real! that’s just messed up, I’m sorry. though also a bit relieved to hear you’re out of there though? having to chase people to get paid is a bad sign, other barista sounds rough, and closing with Brad sounds potentially…dangerous? man I’m really hoping you’ve got an infinitely better one now or super soon! 💜
5:51 - I worked at a liquor store and I think carding anyone under 40 is required regardless of how clearly adult they may appear. Cops love sending random underage scouts to check and business you work for may lose their liquor license as a consequence. I wouldn't feel bad about that one honestly.
💕🎶 Love you, love you, loveyou, loveyou, loveyou! 🎶💕
Sounds like you worked with a bunch of sneaky bullies. That sounds EXHAUSTING and awful