I would buy that T shirt...... or maybe take a fresh blank t shirt to a screen printing company and have them print it for me, and another that says "being neurotypical doesnt give you the right to be a complete c**t around people with ASDs" No? OK, maybe not.😊 @@annettehackett7942
After my mom died, "as well as can be expected" was my go-to. If it was a friend, I'd answer a question with a question - "how much time have you got?" But most days, it's "so far, so good" or "I'm vertical... so that's something."
"How long have you got?" with a smile is a useful one, because they then actually give you a clue as to how to proceed - "ha ha, same" = "this exchange is complete"; "oh mate, that bad?" = "please actually answer the question".
I recently have seen a suggestion from a meme that we should stop saying "Livin' the dream!" and replace it with "The horrors persist -- but so do I!". I have to confess that I've been tempted to say this on more than one occasion ... and I might just do it yet!
I worked with a guy for a couple months who would always pause when asked that question and say "Hmmmmmm" then give a legit answer. Some people stopped asking him the question, but I always thought it was cool to get a real answer to the question.
I learned from a very early age that the person, usually an adult, who asked me the question "How are you" wasn't really asking about my health or situation. I also learnt from observation that most adults used a standard response such as "Good thanks" or "not too bad" so I started using one of those replies, but even today when I hear that question, it's like nails scraping down a blackboard.
Being older and British, I grew up with "How do you do" (think of Eliza in Pygmalion!) It wasn't even regarded as a question, it was said as a greeting whilst shaking hands. No-one ever answered anything other than the same phrase. "How are you?" is more modern and still computes as a question to be answered as far as I'm concerned. Reciprocity with that phrase, on the other hand, doesn't always happen unless I'm consciously masking.
it's a trap! 😬 I've definitely been criticized/ostracized for answering with anything but a positive answer, let alone trying to be honest, so Part 2 sounds very relatable! Thank you, Paul!
Ive learnt time and time again no one that asks me wants to hear the truth so i say a standard "good thanks." But if i had a physical problem like a broken bone then theyd be more than happy to hear truth about a physical problem.
For me, with a hurt life, as a wronged child author whose opportunity was destroyed by school pressure abuse, and a sensory issues year round shorts wearer whose childhood was robbed of it by South Wales's nasally irritating catarrhal climate that made me unable to find out it was not harmful to health. That makes it completely unacceptable to me, a continuation of the abuses, to pretend to feel good.
As I said in the live chat, my stock answer is "Still clinging to the wreckage", which is the best answer I can give to a question that has no definitive point of query - and is just about always accurate...!
My mentor told me that phrases like this are meant to acknowledge the existence of others, and to get emotional feedback. They don't want nor expect a real answer. What they want is to also be acknowledged, and to have their happy buttons pushed. Understanding this made it so much easier to respond quickly and move on!
Thank you, appreciate this. Whenever "let's grab a coffee" or "let's get coffee" has been said to me I've responded with " I've already had coffee today." I didn't realize that meant "Hey, let's hang out."
@@stripesandspice I'm quite happy to get coffee at a café on my own and I'm happy to talk to myself too. At least I'm listening and think I'm really funny 😁
Person 1 brief greeting, "How are you?" Person 2, "Hi." I can see this interpreted/misinterpreted by Person 1 as Person 2 avoiding the question and revealing they are not fine. Even though I know it is just a common lazy greeting variation, it still is stressful to hear and I often go through a quick self-assessment and try to cherry-pick my current status for good things so I don't feel like I am being dishonest when I say "fine." A lot of times I will also defer to "not too bad, how are you?" It is the least dishonest way of answering while also flipping the social pressure back on them.
I've always hated this question. I went years answering it truthfully, which people didn't want. It's most frustrating to me in settings where I'm ordering food or drink or trying to talk to customer service. I know they're trying to do a politeness ritual, but it feels like a waste of time to me.
I learned to not care that people don't want it. I don't want them asking ingenuine questions either, yet they do it. If they ask me a question, they're getting the truth.
I’ve been in customer service a long time. That’s where EVERYONE is expected to mask. They have no choice but to interact with you within “socially acceptable” parameters . They are basically a verbal slave to whoever shows up in order to have a job. So in those situations, just play the game and be nice.
The trouble is, I'm now going to associate this excellent video with "How are you?". I'll have to mentally replay it to decide on the correct strategy for a response. That is going to be way over 2 seconds 🙂
PSA, do not try to catch a train like one would catch a baseball. Trains are very heavy. Even smol indoor-sized model trains can betray, since they can have sharp corners and pokey bits. Except for a very few people, I assume ritual and respond "I'm fine" or "alright", and that means I don't have to pause to figure out how I'm actually feeling. It can take me a few minutes to reflect and sort myself out, and then sometimes don't want to get into it.
I'd say that at least 95% of the time, "how are you?" falls into one of your first two categories - greeting or ritual. In those roles, it's actually a "phatic expression": an expression that's not meant to convey meaning but rather emotion ("I am acknowledging your presence and creating / maintaining our social connection"). It really doesn't mean anything more than "hello" or a wave - it's the same meaning but longer to say. If you say anything other than "fine," you're taking the greeting / ritual out of its phatic state. Even something like, "Eh, it's going" or "could be better" or "I'm alive," sends a meaning of "I'm not doing well and I'd like you to express sympathy about that and possibly ask me what's wrong." If you don't want someone asking those follow-up questions, then "fine" is just completing the ritual. It doesn't ACTUALLY mean you're fine, it just means, "I've completed this social script and acknowledged your presence." If someone really does want to know how you're doing - asking it as a for-real question and not expecting a trite "I'm fine" answer - either they'll use different words (and thus break the phatic expression themselves) or else put special emphasis on it. So if someone asks you, "how are you holding up?" or "how are things going with X?" or "how was your weekend?", that's an opening to say something deeper. Also, people might ask these questions as a second question after closing the ritual-type "how are you?", which is still an invitation to open up more. (Depending on your relationship with the person, they might still only expect a 20-second-to-2-minute answer, not a 2-hour answer, but they're giving you an opening for more than just "fine.")
It's funny that you gave the grabbing coffee example, because I used to misinterpret the intent behind that. I gave the honest response "No thanks, I don't like coffee," which led the person to think I didn't want to hang out, when in fact I meant exactly what I said: I don't like coffee. I was relieved to eventually figure out that even if the activity description includes "coffee," I'm still allowed to go and just order a different beverage I actually want - though on some level I still sort of feel like I need to explain that I don't like coffee and so that's why I'm ordering tea. They probably don't actually mind, but it feels slightly dishonest and I always vaguely worry that someone's going to be rude about it because I didn't follow the rules exactly.
As Paul says, here in Oz this question shouldn't be taken too literally. It's really just asking if you want to hang out together and/or get to know each other better. Changing the beverage is absolutely always fine, in my experience. I'm guessing you're probably aware of the following, but for those who aren't: It's also possible to suggest an alternate venue or 'event'. It can be generally assumed (except with close friends or family) that the meetup should be in a public place and what most people would consider to be a neutral, relaxed environment. But you can say that you'd love to get together but you're not free until after 5pm - then ask if they would they like to join you for drinks at 6pm, or dinner at 7pm, or brunch tomorrow morning, or whatever. Or you can say you're swamped right now, but will be free next week, if that would work for them. Or even rhat you're on your way to the airport and will be out of town for a couple of weeks, then ask if it would be okay to call them when you return so that you can arrange a suitable time and place. Many of these ritualised exchanges are more flexible and open to alternatives than they appear to be on the surface. Which took me a long time to figure out.
Do people just say "How are you" without saying "hello" first? Or does it go "Hello" -- "Hello" -- "How are you" -- "Hello"? I don't think it's common in my area of Canada to say "How are you" without exchanging "Hello" first.
@@MrsBifflechips i think the how are you comes so fast after hello that it's practically one sentence and you don't notice the "hello" part as much as you catch the last said part "how are you" which you need to respond to
@@Dezzyyx Ahhh, I see. Yes, I have encountered that before, and I have just used "hello" in those circumstances, especially in a group setting. Thank you for clarifying!
When I’m asked this in a social situation and I’m really struggling, I can’t lie and say I’m fine. I say something that highlights any positive aspect of that moment, like, “I’m glad I made it to this. It’s good to get out of the house!” Wondering if I just think it’s been working though!😂
I am almost 80 years old, when I am cashing out and the cashier asks how I am I simply say, "I woke up this morning" and that usually takes care of the question, lol.🤣
Haha indeed! My sometimes, no quite often response is, "I'm breathing in and out and walking around with my faculties in check. So I can't complain." A response that grew out of working in a hospital....but it usually puts paid to further interrogation and elicits a positive counter response from the asker. 🤣
Reminds me of a wise friend who was a breast cancer survivor . It was her 50th birthday and my SO asked-" Are you worried about turning 50" Her - "No it's much better than the alternative"
If I'm not feeling "fine" I usually respond with a "meh" and a slight shrug then immediately ask the person "and you?" in return. This sort of shunts them back into the preprogrammed ritual of greeting and I don't feel I have to lie or give excess information. It's always been my happy middle ground
Many thanks for all the interesting videos you make Paul! The idea that the question sometimes contain an invitation to change the dynamic is very important. In Sweden it works well to answer ”Good enough, and you?”. Honest enough many times, and it becomes kind of a check to see if the other person is interested (and have the time) to talk more about reality. And, as you said, to answer ”Pass. Next question.” is perfect when you want to signal that it is really bad and that you don’t want to talk about it at all. And (I notice I keep adding here as I keep on listening) the advice to have a mental health professional (one trusts) to talk to is really important. The people one knows might not have the same competence to listen, and it is also a competence you need to train to open up and talk to a professional. And I’m quite certain that ”learning by doing” is the only way to acquire it.
I think I found my way round such questions with giving an answer, which is acceptable for both parties. E.g. in example with coffee I usually answer something like “yeah, sure, let’s go, but I don’t drink coffee”. And with “how are you” the best answer is “good” or “nice”, for them it is polite, for me it means “even if it’s a complete disaster, it’s still in a normal range for me, no need to worry”. Also I found an interesting way of finding ND friends: when talking, just ask standard open questions. NTs usually will stay at a surface level giving an answer with no meaningful info, but NDs will have tendency to have deeper answers. So for me it’s rather not a question with a “right” answer, but a question of “who are you?”
I don't have a problem with the question, this and some other sayings were explained when I was in primary school. I have given quite some thought about how to reply, For decades , "I am well," has been suitably brief and also accurate. I don;t do illness, not the flu, not Covid-19. Shingles once, but that wasn't much more than annoying. Now that I have AML Leukaemia, I am uncomfortable with my usual response, bu "I feel fine" is suitably brief and accurate, In some circles, "I am dying" gets a laugh. If I accidently say, "Fine," then I add, "I am lying of course."
Many years ago I actually filled out a customer feedback form at the supermarket requesting that the checkout clerk NOT ask "How are you?" In the late 1990's I trained my psychiatrist to say "How are things?" instead without ever explaining why. I gave a friend at the mental health rehab center an angry look whenever she asked "How are you?" and she learned to say awkwardly "Lovely to see you!" with a sense of humor instead but again I didn't explain. Another patient one time walked past me on the sidewalk and asked "How are you?" and I replied "Good morning" and he was emotionally upset by that. I'd been practicing McMindfulness with the supposed wisdom that there is no self and all psychophysical phenomena are non-self.
Thank you for clarifying this - it’s realty something I seemed to be incapable of understanding as hard as I tried. They’re not expecting any response - got it! It’s usually just another greeting not someone expecting me to bulge how I am right there on the steer everyone listening listening after they yell out to get my attention and(and everyone else’s). This has been a big issue for me a real struggle to grasp or execute or respond in a socially acceptable way - typically I’d say hi then run for a bud I didn’t intend on getting just to get away from the question lol then wonder where the hell im beibg driven to and that situation makes me totally forget where I was originally going probably just up the road to get milk next thing I’m in a suburb I’ve never heard of
At work i let out an exasperated sigh and quickly say "I dunno. How're you?" Their response tells me which how are you they're asking. What do you mean you don't know? They're actually listening to me I'm fine thanks. They're just using a rote behavior The best case is they stop and think about how they are because of the novel answer. It's pretty simple at work because it's usually a greeting or ritual. Sometimes i preemptively say "hello" to people walking towards the register to reduce the ambiguity of how are yous because ive forced it into a greeting space
@@guusvonscheven once in a while they ask how are you, but i just behave as if they've said a very long greeting. Like "greetings and salutations my good clothes monger" it's longer but functionally the same as "hi" in most conversations. Proactively saying hello is me telling the nt people which script I'm using. How are you (Greetings version) That way i greatly reduce ambiguity of the phrase before they utter it
I like the way you've divided up the three categories. I think for me: 1) As a quick greeting - hello suffices (why add anything else onto that?) I guess one of the advantages of working in fast-paced retail is eventually I got used to recognising when people were just saying "how are you" as a greeting. Still confused me why they couldn't just say "hello" (maybe something about sending out the illusion of caring energy into the world?? I could probably overthink it..) Depending on how annoyed I was, or how much energy I had, I'd either just answer "hi" or not say anything. 2) As a ritual - I actually quite like this concept as a way of 'warming up' and adjusting to the situation/conversation - but I would like to find my own version that doesn't involve having to lie or sidestep or do too much mental gymnastics or appear awkwardly smalltalky, especially if I just want to get to the point.. Sometimes I have a different 'ritual' with different people depending on how we connect, like with one friend I use "how's your spoons?" and I've found with people I chat to on zoom I like to do a ritual of checking we can hear each other, haha. I think about what key simple thing could reduce my social anxiety from the onset. So there's a practical element to it here. The ritual concept also reminds me of the Ofieri greeting in 'The Witcher 3' game, where they repeat the line "Praised be the world in its never-ending creation" to one another like a form of initiating interaction (I think maybe some real-world cultures or faiths have lines or mantras like this that they repeat as a sort of "we are on the same page" or "I am recognising this is a social opportunity and this is the energy I want to set" type thing, that doesn't change, and all you have to do is echo it? You kind of have to believe what you're saying though..) 3) As a question - this is more complicated, but I do like to think "How are you?" can sometimes be asked genuinely and with interest for a fuller deeper honest answer. This was my original belief of what that question was supposed to indicate. I tend to not be very good at judging when this is appropriate though, so your advice on situation and relationship is helpful. I think, in an ideal world, I would like to be able to ask "How are you?" and for that to be interpreted depending on whatever the other person wishes to share with me, and I would only ask it when I have the time or energy to hold space for that (and vice versa). I love the idea of being more open with connecting and understanding one another, but like you say, there are also times where this is just not possible or wanted. I am perhaps liking the phrasing "How's life?" for the more open-ended opportunities too..
I have similar strategies. At first I took the question literally, but with age and work I started to understand the social context of the question. So sometimes I just say hello, how are you?, without answering, just as a greeting. The ritual part I hate it as when I'm not well I cannot answer that I'm fine. In that case the answer can be "yeah, ask me a different question", or, if I have a deeper relationship with the person I'm speaking to, "how much time do you have?". So the other person can choose if they are interested in the answer or prefer to let it slide
True. I've even had some success with: "Not great, really, but I don't want to talk about it right now." Or even: "Fairly horrible, actually, but ..." Such answers have several merits: they're honest (so I don't feel like I'm lying or being deceptive), they're brief (so they conform to expectations in that way) and don't give either too much - or inappropriate - information (avoiding these social faux pas), and they move the conversation away from how you are without you being rude.
In the UK, 'How do you do' . tends to be the greeting to which the reply is, 'How do you do', accompanied with a handshake, fist bump or just a slight nod of the head. The question, 'How are you ?' may come later depending on the relationship between the two people. A direct 'How are you ?' can be interpreted as an intrusion of a persons privacy. Of course the English language varies from country to country and does create some confusion between them as quite often a sentence or statement can have many different meanings depending on where it is said.
I have one go-to phrase I often use to answer to that question. "Mitäs tässä kurjuutta kummempaa." Literally translated as "what about more than misery here". The literal translation does not convey the humoristic tone of the phrase at all and I don't know any English equivalent that would, but I'll try to explain it. Depending on my mood it can be either sarcastic or based on truth, so I don't even have to lie, but it always conveys the message that I don't want to answer that question while at the same time not being dismissive or outright insulting. Very handy phrase for every situation where I don't feel like lying (the social norm) or fully explaining myself.
@@blue_egger I don't think that's quite it. The humoristic and light hearted tone is inherent to the phrase itself rather than the way you say it in similar manner as it is almost impossible to say "howdy fella" in wide Texas accent while being dead serious.
I think people with traits of autism would feel comfortable here in Finland 🇫🇮😅. No awkward small talk! Just Hei!, Moi! or Terve! and then straight to the point of the conversation. We Finns are known for the honesty and quite straight answers. We don't talk to strangers so much but when you get to know to us we will start talking a lot. We are friendly and happy but people from other countries think we are all depressed because we are quiet and melancholic. Like the one Finnish song lyrics says: "Kahvi ja huumori täällä on mustaa" "Here the coffee and humor are black" Anyway... Personally I hate the "How are you" because it means that I have to lie (if I'm not feeling ok). Most of the time I answer "Nothing special". Wishing that we can proceed to the actual conversation. I have some traits of Asperger but because I'm Finnish it's not that noticeable. So here it would be harder to spot autism because some of these "traits" are cultural thing also.
My version of "Pass" is "Honestly, I've been better. [I've been dealing with a really tough situation with X.]" (The bracketed part is optional, depending on the relationship and situation, and X is always a *vague* topical description, like "home/school/kids/parents".) Then I quickly follow up with a conversational redirect towards the activity of the day. I've found that this can be helpful in that it reduces the expectation for me to be excessively positive, and often also leads to people being more sensitive of that painful topic. The main thing is saying something more positive immediately after, even if it's entirely trivial. It serves to reassure them that they don't need to attend to you.
I just started watching but I think at an unconscious level what people really mean when they ask this is, "are you a socially competent person who won't bring me down with problems if I interact with you?"
REALLY appreciated the perspective about having a mental health professional, to help us to talk about the things that may be inappropriate to talk about with other people. Generally, the idea of getting a therapist, from my experience, has been with the expectation to address some short-term crisis or mental illness like depression. But I think some of us, and particularly autistic people, could do with those opportunities to hold space for just processing stuff and have someone listen to whatever we want or need to talk about (including infodumping about trains!) It is kind of hard sometimes, to be asked "How are you?" so often, and yet know we are unable to respond in a way that would be genuinely co-regulating. (I also like the point about hopefully one day being able to do this more effectively for each other, rather than needing to pay for the mental health professional - I'm going to think more on this..)
I've coped by categorizing. There are people who say "How are you?" meaning "Hello" and that's all. And so I have trained myself to resist the natural compulsion to agonize over its unboundedness and threatening implication that I owe them a "confession." I stand up to the implication, and the compulsion it triggers, by inwardly overruling it and refusing to take it literally. I tell myself it means simply "Hello" and so I do the "Great, thanks, how are you?" Not because I'm lying, but because I don't owe that person more than that. Then there's the person with whom I do not have an intimate, trusting relationship but who for some reason feels entitled to pry, to psychoanalyze me on the spot. When I sense this, I have, again, trained myself to be frank, first, with myself: Is this a person who has ANY right to pry? If the answer is "No" (it usually is), then I dispense the shortest answer possible to conclude this exchange: "Much better, thanks, that was a really hard thing to go through but I'm so much better now." And if I get "No, but how ARE you?", with the "concerned look" that says, "You have to open up to me because I'm in the caring, solicitous nurturer role now, and you have to play along." Well, no. I DON'T have to play along. And I simply won't. So I shut down that cue. I'm not the guilty one for stomping on the role that person presumed to play in my life without my permission. That's his/her problem, absolutely not mine to fret about. So I'll stand my ground: "I'm really fine, thank goodness. Thanks for your concern." Polite but businesslike and very clear: this will not happen, no. And then there's the true, most trusted friend who, knowing you've just gone through something, finds the right private moment to ask, "Well, how are you? How are you coping with this?" That is a moment like heaven, when real love provides a totally safe place for you. So, after 66 years of life this is how I've finally managed to compartmentalize life successfully. Took too long, but oh well. My autism discovery in May '23 did loads to jumpstart me into gear and figure so many of these things out. My problem before was, I could barely tell the difference between the three categories. You can tell how wretched and agonizing that made so many encounters, never knowing how to respond to people.
I'm pretty clumsy with my hands so 'grabbing a coffee' is something I try to avoid. Instead I make sure there are no obstructions to my movement of carefully picking up the coffee and that I can see a cloth to wipe up if it goes wrong.
I can't do this anymore. 39 years, feeling like I'm trapped inside a soundproof glass cage that people gawk at and sometime for reasons unknown to me angrily pound on. Good luck to the rest of you still fighting.
I actually started to really enjoy this "question" at cafes. I enjoy seeing people awkward, it shuts them up and there's no more small talk. "How're you?" "Yeah, shit thanks mate!" That's it, no questions from my side, no more questions from them. I get my coffee, have a chuckle at their awkwardness and leave.
Wow, what an amazing video! This deep dive into the question with its permutations and danger spots was so helpful. Thank you! And it was really cool to see you come alive at several times in the video. Really felt like you were showing us a whole new side of you, Paul. For the situation where the cashier is asking the question, it seems like they often want some brief positive energy being shared to brighten their day. And spot on with being able to offer someone to vent, and mean it, and be there for them. I pride myself on being a "sounding board" for friends, so when they take me up on it, it makes me happy.
Really excellent Paul. Thank you. It's often difficult to navigate social pleasantries vs an invitation to share. I keep a number of response phrases in my mental back pocket for different levels of "How are you?". I can quickly determine the social context and pull out the right response - most of the time. 😊
Probably not the best strategy, but I often can't help myself, and just try to make comedy of this question, i.e. "how are you?", "absolutely rubbish, grab a seat and let me tell you all about it!", sometimes I get the chuckle I was aiming for, others I just get the you-failed-this-round-of-social-ping-pong response :) Just found this channel, some great content (no diagnosis but I reckon I'm somewhere on the spectrum)
We should have an adaptation of the Irish finger signal. When someone waves at a driver, the driver responds by raising their index finger from the steering wheel.
Thank you so much for this! It never occured to me that the question actually could have 3 different meanings. In my younger years I felt just uncomfortable every time someone asked and didn't know how to answer.
What's the more emphasised word: 'how are YOU?' (casual verbal smile / wave), or is it 'how ARE you?' (probably after a 2 minute summary). It's extremely annoying to be asked in the morning. It's like being asked everyday 'How's your water?' - umm....?
My understanding is that in the 'ritual greeting', the emphasis is on the ARE when it is the first question, but the emphasis changes to YOU in the reciprocal question. 1st: 'Hi. How ARE you?' 2nd: 'Fine. How are YOU?' or 'Fine. And YOU?'
I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday. He asked me 'How are you?' and I knew exactly how to answer - in this case, not at all well. Afterwards, as I was walking home, I bumped into an old friend who asked me the same question and I hadn't got a clue what to say. I knew it was simply a small-talk opening to a brief conversation, but I still struggled (mind you, I always struggle with small-talk).
Yes same! Alexithymia it is for me. But to clarify apparently neurotypcal people generally only say that when they're not feeling 100% but don't really want to talk about it because I got some concerned looks when I did that. Well I said "I don't know" as my response, not sure if "I have no idea" would give the same meaning
“Pass, next question” is amazing! I think that response would have to be given to the right person. You could probably do a whole video on the levels of acquaintanceship/friendship.
"How are you?" is very problematic for me when I talk to my English speaking friends. Not only am I autistic, but in my country/dialect it doesn't mean "hi." I know what it means in Enlgish, I know what I'm supposed to say, but I can't! It feels like a physical block, which is weird because I'm normally a great masker who can handle social situations well. It's just this one question breaks my mind.
One thing that helps me answer the question, "How are you?" is thinking about what I know about the routine of the interaction. When my therapist or medical clinician initially ask me how I am, I know that later in the process they are really going to want to hear the specifics. Initially, it's just a greeting.
I sometimes answer a different ‘small talk’ question, when askes how I am. Like answering: ‘well, its really nice weather were having’, or ‘its nice to get out of the house’ and to them it indicates that I am fine. It usually seems organic, because people actually often don’t answer the actual question that is asked them 🤷♀️
If it's a friend, I usually just say "I have no idea how to answer that question" to my parents I almost always say "I'm tired but I'm doing alright" unless there is something really worth mentioning, to strangers I always say "I'm good thanks" and reciprocate how are you or not based on how long I have to stand there or what I think their intentions are. I thought this video was a really helpful way to think about because it's something I think about often too.
Gosh, you hit the nail right on the head with that one. We want to share how we are, we want to actually go deep into how we are and connect in that way... There are countless people asking us that question every single day, and not ONE of them wants the answer we have to give. That's infuriating! Even though I know how to respond in most situations, I still hold so much resentment for all the people around me who don't have the time or willingness to connect with me in that way, but still expect me to play by the ritual's rules.
My latest response has just been to say "Mid" as it is still one syllable and covers being not good or bad. So if they do want details, I can then go into more and have it covered for all cases.
What I was about to say. This is why I pause when people ask. "What just went through your head", they ask. Now I can reference this 26 minute video. Thank you so much.
I squirm like mad when I’m asked “how are you?” If it’s a text, I don’t answer. I’ve told then honestly and they don’t like it…I get “god, you’re so negative” Or the mood turns, I just feel shame after that. I’ve mostly lied saying I’m alright or I’m ok. Some of these comments are great and will try some of these what they say. Cheers folks, appreciate that, and of course, this channel 🙏
I would also say to someone that if you go to the doctor and the doctor asks, "How are you?" it's not a social question, but them trying to get you to open up about how you are.
We really like your "Pass. Next question." - strategy. We've also used it in the past and it does achieve the goal of acknowledging that I'm not fine but also that this is not the time to talk about it. (my husband and I are both neurodivergent)
People have hit me with this one at times. The answer was not what they cared about. There is also the line from the movie, .... "Don't ask questions to which you do not want the answer."
When I was working a retail job, hearing "how are you?", or some variation thereon, dozens of times a day over more than ten years of retail jobs got old in about the first week. Apparently it really throws people when you respond "Crap, thanks for asking", and then just go on as if you'd said "I'm doing fine".
I wish I had this video a few decades ago. I had figured out most if it on my own. I look forward to the next video. An outspoken coworker once told me that 'fine' meant "leave me alone. I don't wanna talk about it". I gravitate toward her because she is clear and concise and says what is on her mind. But this was my usual response. I then took a poll around work and found it was mainly her. Some others said they sometimes hear that in my response or in the word fine, but nobody else said it always means that. I now use "good" as a response. It often feels misleading, but I have seen at my current job it is mostly a greeting. Most coworkers say it in passing and don't even wait for the answer. If they are in earshot they do get offended when you don't ask back, which is confusing.
Bruh, I just watched an eight year old video of yours about how your whole life was basically about rejection. Then, I jumped onto your channel to see how you are doing. And it looks like you are doing great😊😊😊😊❤. I'm so happy for you. You've gone through your stuff and now you're helping others. Keep on doing you bruh, the world is truly a better place because you are in it. P.S. Me and my girlfriend are both aspies so we totally get it. Respect to you brother.
As I've gotten better with interacting with others and just talking to someone in passing, I've always responded with "I'm alright, and yourself?" And now, I just chuckle when the other person "locks up" because they weren't expecting a response.
Sometimes it can be a mix of all these answers, especially for example with a friend, if you're both fine and nothing has come up since the last time you've seen each other, then it's just a ritual, but if something has happened, you might be expected to elaborate. Basically, it's a ritualised way to check up on you by combining a question about your mood and a question about recent things that happened to you.
Really great video. I always feel like I can lie and say 'I'm fine' but am totally overwhelmed with friends who actually want to know how I am, and I want to share but just cannot figure out the scope of what to say.
@@conscienceaginBlackadder … I do not view my bland response as my lack of right to feel how I feel. Rather it is my defence to not have to share it, and to hopefully avoid a possible plethora of questions that might follow dependant upon the words I chose to share in the moment. It is my form of self protection. Of course my hubby is not subject to this… he usually gets it all. 😂 This response of course has to change with the moment. It would require rewording depending on the situation. When, my mom died for instance, “Not too bad, given the situation “, “surviving”… but in that situation people still have a million and one questions, have a desire to tell me their thoughts and memories. Well meaning of course, but difficult for me to handle. And for me to remain free to feel my feels I choose not to share them so you don’t question me and I am not left feeling obliged to dissect them with you should you disagree. In the end I do it because it is easier for me.
If someone I don't know asks me, that's a solid indicator they're not worth my time. Time saved for me. So I answer with some variation of "What's it to you?"
In category 3 situations, I've started giving an honest response - because just like you said, telling people I'm fine when I'm not feels deceptive and I'm crap at lying. If the person cares and really wants to know how I am, then my honest response is not an issue. If they don't really want to know, they'll soon stop asking me after a few incidents of me giving too much info!
These videos are priceless and I appreciate that you put so much effort into making them... I can even see them being made into curriculum material for high school students... it would be very valuable... 🙂
I used to care and try to decipher what was expected of me to say. Now I simply tell the truth of how I'm actually feeling and I expect to be lectured afterwards "it was a greeting, you don't have to answer, etc.". I personally like a good acquittance of mine who always replies "awful, truly awful". I wish I could do that, but I can't lie or fake it.
I just say “good,” even if overall I’m not, and I tell myself that I am “good” in this very moment temporarily, based on a personal choice, to get over the sense of “lying.” The question that’s worse than “how are you?” Is actually “what’s up?” because what’s up creates this expectation that they want to know what you are busy/occupied with, which is basically “how are you” PLUS “what are you working on?” I often freeze at both questions around certain people, because in that moment I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons of each answer type based on duration, and also what would I say and how would I summarize for each duration choice.
Oh my, this is the most relatable thing ever. Hate this question so much. It is very rare that I'm actually feeling happy or anything close to it, but that's mostly my business and nothing the people asking could or should solve, so naturally I'm not gonna bother them, it is what it is. And the other way around, I know for a fact I have asked that question probably less than 100 times throughout my whole life because I'm only saying it when I actually want to hear the genuine answer, because I might know someone had stuff going on recently, makes sense to check up then. All in all, these rituals look like "acceptable people pleasing"/"acceptable masking" to me. It should be a surprise to no one that we might not be too fond of what can be seen as the easiest entry step to what makes us miserable. Oh, the mother/child example in the second half is kind of important, imo. If there's one person who actually should care about your genuine answer, it's your mother. This is something I unfortunately lost along the way with my own mother. I don't have a bad relationship with her by any means, but there have been various ups and downs, some trust has been lost, some shame involved etc. I fully understand she always wanted the best for her son, but there really are some things in life where we will never understand each other, and whenever I actually tried to get help with one of those things, I got unhelpful/bad advice.
I really hate being asked "How are you?".😳 Most of the time I just try to ignore it, but sometimes I will say, "Oh, 'I guess' I'm doing ok...?!" - especially when it's obvious they're expecting a response.😖 I very rarely answer, "I'm fine", or "I'm doing good". 🌱 Paul, I just want to say Thank You. I really appreciate, and am grateful for what you do here. It means a lot to me. 😊
Thank you for this video, Paul! I'm one of those high masking sorts that understands the different categories (greeting, ritual, and question) but I'm not always clear on which one we're doing at a given moment. I usually assume it's greeting or ritual, but if the person is one I do have some sort of relationship with, the nuances get... murky. A few weeks ago, a guy from church who I've had several somewhat substantive conversations with asked the question, and I responded with the straightforward and probably awkward, "Are you looking for the socially scripted answer, or the real one?" My church community knows I'm awkward, so something like that wouldn't be overly shocking, but he looked a little surprised and said, "the real one." I gave him a ten second response that very much invited further conversation, but he wasn't there for it. And that's fine. But I wish someone would be. I'm certain of what my diagnosis would be, but I'm currently in the interminable state of limbo that is waiting for assessment. It's been 16 months.
I don't think I've ever heard someone specifically talk about how it is a problem if you always say "I'm fine" to "how are you," because it could be a barrier to forging deeper relationships. It's so often people just say "don't overshare!" which can be important, but if that's all you're ever taught it can be a huge problem to making friends as well /: Recently I've been talking with someone and we're obviously both trying to be closer friends with one another, but for a while all our conversations started with "Hey what have you been up to?" "Oh nothing much, you?" "Yeah nothing much." and then just lapsing into awkward silence because neither of us knew how to actually answer that question honestly lol. It's really hard to break out of that habit and be like. Oh wait let me actually think of an answer to that question and not just follow The Script. Also, I go to a mental health clinic every other week, and I always find it amusing when the doctor or a nurse comes out to fetch me and asks "how are you?" and i say "oh i'm alright" and then we get back into the private room and they ask "how have you been doing?" and i actually give them an honest answer lol. It's just such a clear example of the context switching there.
Brilliant! My mother in her last years used to answer “As good as can be expected”. As a muslim (revert) I am required to say Alhamdulillah - basically thanking God for being in existence ( regardless of how dire ones state is.) And there are many blessings no doubt to that ‘attitude of gratitude’ - Interestingly the Q in Arabic “Khaif Halak?” Literally means How (or what) is your state?
This is a great example of the sort of thing that has always made me feel as though I must be an alien from another planet or something. The sort of 'normal' behavior that most people do without really stopping to think about it, but that just baffles me. Why do we even ask this question? It seems as though it is often used more in form of a greeting or acknowledgement of the other person's presence or a way to try to show others that you are friendly or something like that. None of those reasons, however, are clearly stated in the question itself. I struggle with calculating all of these implied, nuanced subtext for situations like this, especially in the very short time most people give me before they expect some sort of response from me. I tend to assume that the person is actually wanting to know about my physical and/or mental state, so it is weird to me when they quickly find a way to disengage from the conversation once I start telling them about how tired and depressed I've been lately, or my recent surgery that I'm recovering from, or that my ears hurt and my mind is reeling because of how noisy the surroundings are, etc. Why even ask if you don't want to know? Instead of saying 'How are you?' when I encounter someone, I prefer more direct greetings like ''I'm glad to meet you", or "I really like the design on your shirt", or even just simply "Hello". I really like 'G'Day' :) All are preferable to me over "How are you?" I really don't like using these social rituals. It is so weird to me that we do these things. Even 'Hello' feels a bit pointless. I'd rather say something that relates what I'd like to know about the person, if anything, or what I'd like the person to know from me. It often confuses people when I try to be more direct or specific. Good point that this situation can be a problem in the opposite when you have a relationship already with the person and they are now upset because all I said was 'fine' or 'ok' when actually the person really wants me to open up about what I'm thinking and feeling. It's genuinely hard for me to tell the difference between the first situation and the second one. It seems like I often get it wrong and tell people either too much, or not enough. In either case 'How are you?' is not helping me tell the difference. When people actually want to know what's going on with me, I wish they'd ask a more specific question like "Would you please take a moment to talk with me about what you are thinking or feeling?" Or if they didn't really want to know anything, I wish they'd just say "Hello". Great video!
i sometimes just say okay, but often i’ll say it was good or fine regardless of whether or not it actually was because i learned that it was what people wanted to hear and it was easier to just say that and not elaborate. i completely agree that it feels like lying, and sometimes it is
Tahle otázka je pro mě opravdu hodně těžká. Psychiatr už ví, že ji nemám ráda a neptá se mě. Nechápu proč se lidi ptají "jak se máš" když je to vůbec nezajímá :-))) Děkuju za video.
I always try to go for the most accurate answer, e.g. "How are you?" -> "Decent." If I'm feeling more humorous go w/ "Oh you know..." & leave it hanging
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
I always respond "can't complain". They take it as "I have nothing to complain about", but actually means "socially I'm not allowed to complain"
I like that, may steel it.
This is brilliant!
😂😂😂😂😂 Yes! I'm stealing this too
I really like the reply, 'Socially, I'm not allowed to complain.'
THIS IS GENIUS!! You are telling the truth AND playing by the rules
I want a t-shirt that reads "If you ask me how I am, I will tell you the truth" 😁
I want a T-shirt saying 'don't ask me how I am - I may just tell you'. Or maybe even just the first bit. I HATE the question/greeting!
@@rainbowgirl55 not a bad slogan
I would buy that T shirt...... or maybe take a fresh blank t shirt to a screen printing company and have them print it for me, and another that says "being neurotypical doesnt give you the right to be a complete c**t around people with ASDs" No? OK, maybe not.😊 @@annettehackett7942
Make it and we will buy it.
I can make them 😊
After my mom died, "as well as can be expected" was my go-to. If it was a friend, I'd answer a question with a question - "how much time have you got?" But most days, it's "so far, so good" or "I'm vertical... so that's something."
Same. I still miss my mom. Sometimes I don't answer and just reply how are you and hope the original asker doesn't notice.
"How long have you got?" with a smile is a useful one, because they then actually give you a clue as to how to proceed - "ha ha, same" = "this exchange is complete"; "oh mate, that bad?" = "please actually answer the question".
I recently have seen a suggestion from a meme that we should stop saying "Livin' the dream!" and replace it with "The horrors persist -- but so do I!".
I have to confess that I've been tempted to say this on more than one occasion ... and I might just do it yet!
Totally get this
I worked with a guy for a couple months who would always pause when asked that question and say "Hmmmmmm" then give a legit answer. Some people stopped asking him the question, but I always thought it was cool to get a real answer to the question.
I learned from a very early age that the person, usually an adult, who asked me the question "How are you" wasn't really asking about my health or situation. I also learnt from observation that most adults used a standard response such as "Good thanks" or "not too bad" so I started using one of those replies, but even today when I hear that question, it's like nails scraping down a blackboard.
Being older and British, I grew up with "How do you do" (think of Eliza in Pygmalion!) It wasn't even regarded as a question, it was said as a greeting whilst shaking hands. No-one ever answered anything other than the same phrase. "How are you?" is more modern and still computes as a question to be answered as far as I'm concerned. Reciprocity with that phrase, on the other hand, doesn't always happen unless I'm consciously masking.
it's a trap! 😬
I've definitely been criticized/ostracized for answering with anything but a positive answer, let alone trying to be honest, so Part 2 sounds very relatable! Thank you, Paul!
It's funny because I've caught so many people out because they use it as a script.
I love how you explain things that are obvious to neurotypical people.
Neurodivergent people aren't mind-readers like neurotypicals are unfortunately. All these indirect social rules make no sense to us.
Ive learnt time and time again no one that asks me wants to hear the truth so i say a standard "good thanks."
But if i had a physical problem like a broken bone then theyd be more than happy to hear truth about a physical problem.
For me, with a hurt life, as a wronged child author whose opportunity was destroyed by school pressure abuse, and a sensory issues year round shorts wearer whose childhood was robbed of it by South Wales's nasally irritating catarrhal climate that made me unable to find out it was not harmful to health. That makes it completely unacceptable to me, a continuation of the abuses, to pretend to feel good.
As I said in the live chat, my stock answer is "Still clinging to the wreckage", which is the best answer I can give to a question that has no definitive point of query - and is just about always accurate...!
My mentor told me that phrases like this are meant to acknowledge the existence of others, and to get emotional feedback. They don't want nor expect a real answer. What they want is to also be acknowledged, and to have their happy buttons pushed. Understanding this made it so much easier to respond quickly and move on!
Thank you, appreciate this. Whenever "let's grab a coffee" or "let's get coffee" has been said to me I've responded with " I've already had coffee today." I didn't realize that meant "Hey, let's hang out."
Me: I don’t drink coffee. 🤪
No one ever asks me to grab a coffee 🥺 The last person who said, "let's meet for coffee" got talked at for 3 hours. I guess word's got around.😂
@@lilynorthover8378 No one ever asks me to grab coffee, either. Maybe for the same reason? I don't know.
@@stripesandspice I'm quite happy to get coffee at a café on my own and I'm happy to talk to myself too. At least I'm listening and think I'm really funny 😁
Ahh ❤@@lilynorthover8378
Person 1 brief greeting, "How are you?" Person 2, "Hi." I can see this interpreted/misinterpreted by Person 1 as Person 2 avoiding the question and revealing they are not fine. Even though I know it is just a common lazy greeting variation, it still is stressful to hear and I often go through a quick self-assessment and try to cherry-pick my current status for good things so I don't feel like I am being dishonest when I say "fine." A lot of times I will also defer to "not too bad, how are you?" It is the least dishonest way of answering while also flipping the social pressure back on them.
I've always hated this question. I went years answering it truthfully, which people didn't want. It's most frustrating to me in settings where I'm ordering food or drink or trying to talk to customer service. I know they're trying to do a politeness ritual, but it feels like a waste of time to me.
I learned to not care that people don't want it.
I don't want them asking ingenuine questions either, yet they do it.
If they ask me a question, they're getting the truth.
I’ve been in customer service a long time. That’s where EVERYONE is expected to mask. They have no choice but to interact with you within “socially acceptable” parameters . They are basically a verbal slave to whoever shows up in order to have a job. So in those situations, just play the game and be nice.
The trouble is, I'm now going to associate this excellent video with "How are you?". I'll have to mentally replay it to decide on the correct strategy for a response. That is going to be way over 2 seconds 🙂
😂😂
PSA, do not try to catch a train like one would catch a baseball. Trains are very heavy. Even smol indoor-sized model trains can betray, since they can have sharp corners and pokey bits.
Except for a very few people, I assume ritual and respond "I'm fine" or "alright", and that means I don't have to pause to figure out how I'm actually feeling. It can take me a few minutes to reflect and sort myself out, and then sometimes don't want to get into it.
I'd say that at least 95% of the time, "how are you?" falls into one of your first two categories - greeting or ritual. In those roles, it's actually a "phatic expression": an expression that's not meant to convey meaning but rather emotion ("I am acknowledging your presence and creating / maintaining our social connection"). It really doesn't mean anything more than "hello" or a wave - it's the same meaning but longer to say.
If you say anything other than "fine," you're taking the greeting / ritual out of its phatic state. Even something like, "Eh, it's going" or "could be better" or "I'm alive," sends a meaning of "I'm not doing well and I'd like you to express sympathy about that and possibly ask me what's wrong." If you don't want someone asking those follow-up questions, then "fine" is just completing the ritual. It doesn't ACTUALLY mean you're fine, it just means, "I've completed this social script and acknowledged your presence."
If someone really does want to know how you're doing - asking it as a for-real question and not expecting a trite "I'm fine" answer - either they'll use different words (and thus break the phatic expression themselves) or else put special emphasis on it. So if someone asks you, "how are you holding up?" or "how are things going with X?" or "how was your weekend?", that's an opening to say something deeper. Also, people might ask these questions as a second question after closing the ritual-type "how are you?", which is still an invitation to open up more. (Depending on your relationship with the person, they might still only expect a 20-second-to-2-minute answer, not a 2-hour answer, but they're giving you an opening for more than just "fine.")
Read this instead of watching the video.
I will not ask other people "how are you" totally detest this phrase. You hit the nail on the head with this one. 👏
It's funny that you gave the grabbing coffee example, because I used to misinterpret the intent behind that. I gave the honest response "No thanks, I don't like coffee," which led the person to think I didn't want to hang out, when in fact I meant exactly what I said: I don't like coffee. I was relieved to eventually figure out that even if the activity description includes "coffee," I'm still allowed to go and just order a different beverage I actually want - though on some level I still sort of feel like I need to explain that I don't like coffee and so that's why I'm ordering tea. They probably don't actually mind, but it feels slightly dishonest and I always vaguely worry that someone's going to be rude about it because I didn't follow the rules exactly.
I think it's charming!
As Paul says, here in Oz this question shouldn't be taken too literally. It's really just asking if you want to hang out together and/or get to know each other better. Changing the beverage is absolutely always fine, in my experience.
I'm guessing you're probably aware of the following, but for those who aren't:
It's also possible to suggest an alternate venue or 'event'. It can be generally assumed (except with close friends or family) that the meetup should be in a public place and what most people would consider to be a neutral, relaxed environment. But you can say that you'd love to get together but you're not free until after 5pm - then ask if they would they like to join you for drinks at 6pm, or dinner at 7pm, or brunch tomorrow morning, or whatever.
Or you can say you're swamped right now, but will be free next week, if that would work for them. Or even rhat you're on your way to the airport and will be out of town for a couple of weeks, then ask if it would be okay to call them when you return so that you can arrange a suitable time and place.
Many of these ritualised exchanges are more flexible and open to alternatives than they appear to be on the surface. Which took me a long time to figure out.
Yay! I do exactly what you do.... When asked "How are you," I simply say Hello.
Do people just say "How are you" without saying "hello" first? Or does it go "Hello" -- "Hello" -- "How are you" -- "Hello"?
I don't think it's common in my area of Canada to say "How are you" without exchanging "Hello" first.
@@MrsBifflechips i think the how are you comes so fast after hello that it's practically one sentence and you don't notice the "hello" part as much as
you catch the last said part "how are you" which you need to respond to
@@Dezzyyx Ahhh, I see. Yes, I have encountered that before, and I have just used "hello" in those circumstances, especially in a group setting. Thank you for clarifying!
@@MrsBifflechips in my country people typically say “hello how are you” all in one go without a pause in between
When I’m asked this in a social situation and I’m really struggling, I can’t lie and say I’m fine. I say something that highlights any positive aspect of that moment, like, “I’m glad I made it to this. It’s good to get out of the house!” Wondering if I just think it’s been working though!😂
I am almost 80 years old, when I am cashing out and the cashier asks how I am I simply say, "I woke up this morning" and that usually takes care of the question, lol.🤣
Haha indeed! My sometimes, no quite often response is, "I'm breathing in and out and walking around with my faculties in check. So I can't complain." A response that grew out of working in a hospital....but it usually puts paid to further interrogation and elicits a positive counter response from the asker. 🤣
That's so good!
Reminds me of a wise friend who was a breast cancer survivor . It was her 50th birthday and my SO asked-" Are you worried about turning 50" Her - "No it's much better than the alternative"
"I'm this side of the grass"
LOL I sometimes add, I'm vertical and I'm in motion (age 70)
I heard about a Catholic priest who always answered this question with, “Suffering well!”
??? 👍
How are you doing?
“Medium Well!” -George Carlin.
I know folks Do Not want a reply so, I respond “ How are you?” That way I gave No response of “myself” and never lied about my actual status.
Im using That One!
They sure he's not Buddhist?
If I'm not feeling "fine" I usually respond with a "meh" and a slight shrug then immediately ask the person "and you?" in return. This sort of shunts them back into the preprogrammed ritual of greeting and I don't feel I have to lie or give excess information. It's always been my happy middle ground
I do that!
Many thanks for all the interesting videos you make Paul! The idea that the question sometimes contain an invitation to change the dynamic is very important. In Sweden it works well to answer ”Good enough, and you?”. Honest enough many times, and it becomes kind of a check to see if the other person is interested (and have the time) to talk more about reality. And, as you said, to answer ”Pass. Next question.” is perfect when you want to signal that it is really bad and that you don’t want to talk about it at all. And (I notice I keep adding here as I keep on listening) the advice to have a mental health professional (one trusts) to talk to is really important. The people one knows might not have the same competence to listen, and it is also a competence you need to train to open up and talk to a professional. And I’m quite certain that ”learning by doing” is the only way to acquire it.
Love the "enough" addition🤗 Thanks for your explanation!
I think I found my way round such questions with giving an answer, which is acceptable for both parties. E.g. in example with coffee I usually answer something like “yeah, sure, let’s go, but I don’t drink coffee”. And with “how are you” the best answer is “good” or “nice”, for them it is polite, for me it means “even if it’s a complete disaster, it’s still in a normal range for me, no need to worry”. Also I found an interesting way of finding ND friends: when talking, just ask standard open questions. NTs usually will stay at a surface level giving an answer with no meaningful info, but NDs will have tendency to have deeper answers. So for me it’s rather not a question with a “right” answer, but a question of “who are you?”
I don't have a problem with the question, this and some other sayings were explained when I was in primary school. I have given quite some thought about how to reply, For decades , "I am well," has been suitably brief and also accurate. I don;t do illness, not the flu, not Covid-19. Shingles once, but that wasn't much more than annoying.
Now that I have AML Leukaemia, I am uncomfortable with my usual response, bu "I feel fine" is suitably brief and accurate, In some circles, "I am dying" gets a laugh. If I accidently say, "Fine," then I add, "I am lying of course."
Many years ago I actually filled out a customer feedback form at the supermarket requesting that the checkout clerk NOT ask "How are you?" In the late 1990's I trained my psychiatrist to say "How are things?" instead without ever explaining why. I gave a friend at the mental health rehab center an angry look whenever she asked "How are you?" and she learned to say awkwardly "Lovely to see you!" with a sense of humor instead but again I didn't explain. Another patient one time walked past me on the sidewalk and asked "How are you?" and I replied "Good morning" and he was emotionally upset by that. I'd been practicing McMindfulness with the supposed wisdom that there is no self and all psychophysical phenomena are non-self.
I'm thinking I may just reply to the question, "How are you"? I may just say, "I'm operating within parameters".
I love this! Brilliant.
@sarahritt.creates Thank-you! 😊
Thank you for clarifying this - it’s realty something I seemed to be incapable of understanding as hard as I tried. They’re not expecting any response - got it! It’s usually just another greeting not someone expecting me to bulge how I am right there on the steer everyone listening listening after they yell out to get my attention and(and everyone else’s). This has been a big issue for me a real struggle to grasp or execute or respond in a socially acceptable way - typically I’d say hi then run for a bud I didn’t intend on getting just to get away from the question lol then wonder where the hell im beibg driven to and that situation makes me totally forget where I was originally going probably just up the road to get milk next thing I’m in a suburb I’ve never heard of
At work i let out an exasperated sigh and quickly say "I dunno. How're you?"
Their response tells me which how are you they're asking.
What do you mean you don't know?
They're actually listening to me
I'm fine thanks.
They're just using a rote behavior
The best case is they stop and think about how they are because of the novel answer.
It's pretty simple at work because it's usually a greeting or ritual.
Sometimes i preemptively say "hello" to people walking towards the register to reduce the ambiguity of how are yous because ive forced it into a greeting space
Does that work??
Or does it go like this:
You say "hello"
They say: "hello, how are you?"
@@guusvonscheven once in a while they ask how are you, but i just behave as if they've said a very long greeting. Like "greetings and salutations my good clothes monger" it's longer but functionally the same as "hi" in most conversations.
Proactively saying hello is me telling the nt people which script I'm using.
How are you
(Greetings version)
That way i greatly reduce ambiguity of the phrase before they utter it
I like the way you've divided up the three categories. I think for me:
1) As a quick greeting - hello suffices (why add anything else onto that?) I guess one of the advantages of working in fast-paced retail is eventually I got used to recognising when people were just saying "how are you" as a greeting. Still confused me why they couldn't just say "hello" (maybe something about sending out the illusion of caring energy into the world?? I could probably overthink it..) Depending on how annoyed I was, or how much energy I had, I'd either just answer "hi" or not say anything.
2) As a ritual - I actually quite like this concept as a way of 'warming up' and adjusting to the situation/conversation - but I would like to find my own version that doesn't involve having to lie or sidestep or do too much mental gymnastics or appear awkwardly smalltalky, especially if I just want to get to the point.. Sometimes I have a different 'ritual' with different people depending on how we connect, like with one friend I use "how's your spoons?" and I've found with people I chat to on zoom I like to do a ritual of checking we can hear each other, haha. I think about what key simple thing could reduce my social anxiety from the onset. So there's a practical element to it here. The ritual concept also reminds me of the Ofieri greeting in 'The Witcher 3' game, where they repeat the line "Praised be the world in its never-ending creation" to one another like a form of initiating interaction (I think maybe some real-world cultures or faiths have lines or mantras like this that they repeat as a sort of "we are on the same page" or "I am recognising this is a social opportunity and this is the energy I want to set" type thing, that doesn't change, and all you have to do is echo it? You kind of have to believe what you're saying though..)
3) As a question - this is more complicated, but I do like to think "How are you?" can sometimes be asked genuinely and with interest for a fuller deeper honest answer. This was my original belief of what that question was supposed to indicate. I tend to not be very good at judging when this is appropriate though, so your advice on situation and relationship is helpful. I think, in an ideal world, I would like to be able to ask "How are you?" and for that to be interpreted depending on whatever the other person wishes to share with me, and I would only ask it when I have the time or energy to hold space for that (and vice versa). I love the idea of being more open with connecting and understanding one another, but like you say, there are also times where this is just not possible or wanted. I am perhaps liking the phrasing "How's life?" for the more open-ended opportunities too..
I have similar strategies. At first I took the question literally, but with age and work I started to understand the social context of the question. So sometimes I just say hello, how are you?, without answering, just as a greeting. The ritual part I hate it as when I'm not well I cannot answer that I'm fine. In that case the answer can be "yeah, ask me a different question", or, if I have a deeper relationship with the person I'm speaking to, "how much time do you have?". So the other person can choose if they are interested in the answer or prefer to let it slide
True. I've even had some success with: "Not great, really, but I don't want to talk about it right now." Or even: "Fairly horrible, actually, but ..." Such answers have several merits: they're honest (so I don't feel like I'm lying or being deceptive), they're brief (so they conform to expectations in that way) and don't give either too much - or inappropriate - information (avoiding these social faux pas), and they move the conversation away from how you are without you being rude.
In the UK, 'How do you do' . tends to be the greeting to which the reply is, 'How do you do', accompanied with a handshake, fist bump or just a slight nod of the head. The question, 'How are you ?' may come later depending on the relationship between the two people. A direct 'How are you ?' can be interpreted as an intrusion of a persons privacy. Of course the English language varies from country to country and does create some confusion between them as quite often a sentence or statement can have many different meanings depending on where it is said.
I have one go-to phrase I often use to answer to that question. "Mitäs tässä kurjuutta kummempaa." Literally translated as "what about more than misery here".
The literal translation does not convey the humoristic tone of the phrase at all and I don't know any English equivalent that would, but I'll try to explain it.
Depending on my mood it can be either sarcastic or based on truth, so I don't even have to lie, but it always conveys the message that I don't want to answer that question while at the same time not being dismissive or outright insulting. Very handy phrase for every situation where I don't feel like lying (the social norm) or fully explaining myself.
"I've been worse."
@@blue_egger I don't think that's quite it.
The humoristic and light hearted tone is inherent to the phrase itself rather than the way you say it in similar manner as it is almost impossible to say "howdy fella" in wide Texas accent while being dead serious.
I think people with traits of autism would feel comfortable here in Finland 🇫🇮😅.
No awkward small talk!
Just Hei!, Moi! or Terve! and then straight to the point of the conversation.
We Finns are known for the honesty and quite straight answers.
We don't talk to strangers so much but when you get to know to us we will start talking a lot.
We are friendly and happy but people from other countries think we are all depressed because we are quiet and melancholic.
Like the one Finnish song lyrics says:
"Kahvi ja huumori täällä on mustaa"
"Here the coffee and humor are black"
Anyway... Personally I hate the "How are you"
because it means that I have to lie (if I'm not feeling ok).
Most of the time I answer "Nothing special".
Wishing that we can proceed to the actual conversation.
I have some traits of Asperger but because I'm Finnish it's not that noticeable.
So here it would be harder to spot autism because some of these "traits" are cultural thing also.
My version of "Pass" is "Honestly, I've been better. [I've been dealing with a really tough situation with X.]"
(The bracketed part is optional, depending on the relationship and situation, and X is always a *vague* topical description, like "home/school/kids/parents".)
Then I quickly follow up with a conversational redirect towards the activity of the day. I've found that this can be helpful in that it reduces the expectation for me to be excessively positive, and often also leads to people being more sensitive of that painful topic.
The main thing is saying something more positive immediately after, even if it's entirely trivial. It serves to reassure them that they don't need to attend to you.
I just started watching but I think at an unconscious level what people really mean when they ask this is, "are you a socially competent person who won't bring me down with problems if I interact with you?"
that got dark real quick
REALLY appreciated the perspective about having a mental health professional, to help us to talk about the things that may be inappropriate to talk about with other people. Generally, the idea of getting a therapist, from my experience, has been with the expectation to address some short-term crisis or mental illness like depression. But I think some of us, and particularly autistic people, could do with those opportunities to hold space for just processing stuff and have someone listen to whatever we want or need to talk about (including infodumping about trains!)
It is kind of hard sometimes, to be asked "How are you?" so often, and yet know we are unable to respond in a way that would be genuinely co-regulating.
(I also like the point about hopefully one day being able to do this more effectively for each other, rather than needing to pay for the mental health professional - I'm going to think more on this..)
My answer is always " okay ", I don't want to go into details and I feel like most people wouldn't want to know my honest answer.
x2
I've coped by categorizing.
There are people who say "How are you?" meaning "Hello" and that's all. And so I have trained myself to resist the natural compulsion to agonize over its unboundedness and threatening implication that I owe them a "confession." I stand up to the implication, and the compulsion it triggers, by inwardly overruling it and refusing to take it literally. I tell myself it means simply "Hello" and so I do the "Great, thanks, how are you?" Not because I'm lying, but because I don't owe that person more than that.
Then there's the person with whom I do not have an intimate, trusting relationship but who for some reason feels entitled to pry, to psychoanalyze me on the spot. When I sense this, I have, again, trained myself to be frank, first, with myself: Is this a person who has ANY right to pry? If the answer is "No" (it usually is), then I dispense the shortest answer possible to conclude this exchange: "Much better, thanks, that was a really hard thing to go through but I'm so much better now." And if I get "No, but how ARE you?", with the "concerned look" that says, "You have to open up to me because I'm in the caring, solicitous nurturer role now, and you have to play along." Well, no. I DON'T have to play along. And I simply won't. So I shut down that cue. I'm not the guilty one for stomping on the role that person presumed to play in my life without my permission. That's his/her problem, absolutely not mine to fret about. So I'll stand my ground: "I'm really fine, thank goodness. Thanks for your concern." Polite but businesslike and very clear: this will not happen, no.
And then there's the true, most trusted friend who, knowing you've just gone through something, finds the right private moment to ask, "Well, how are you? How are you coping with this?" That is a moment like heaven, when real love provides a totally safe place for you. So, after 66 years of life this is how I've finally managed to compartmentalize life successfully. Took too long, but oh well. My autism discovery in May '23 did loads to jumpstart me into gear and figure so many of these things out.
My problem before was, I could barely tell the difference between the three categories. You can tell how wretched and agonizing that made so many encounters, never knowing how to respond to people.
Folks owe me not to require me to feel great, I have a right not to
I'm pretty clumsy with my hands so 'grabbing a coffee' is something I try to avoid. Instead I make sure there are no obstructions to my movement of carefully picking up the coffee and that I can see a cloth to wipe up if it goes wrong.
Realising how often I have completely overshared 🤦♀️😱
I can't do this anymore. 39 years, feeling like I'm trapped inside a soundproof glass cage that people gawk at and sometime for reasons unknown to me angrily pound on. Good luck to the rest of you still fighting.
I actually started to really enjoy this "question" at cafes.
I enjoy seeing people awkward, it shuts them up and there's no more small talk.
"How're you?"
"Yeah, shit thanks mate!"
That's it, no questions from my side, no more questions from them. I get my coffee, have a chuckle at their awkwardness and leave.
Wow, what an amazing video! This deep dive into the question with its permutations and danger spots was so helpful. Thank you!
And it was really cool to see you come alive at several times in the video. Really felt like you were showing us a whole new side of you, Paul.
For the situation where the cashier is asking the question, it seems like they often want some brief positive energy being shared to brighten their day.
And spot on with being able to offer someone to vent, and mean it, and be there for them. I pride myself on being a "sounding board" for friends, so when they take me up on it, it makes me happy.
Really excellent Paul. Thank you. It's often difficult to navigate social pleasantries vs an invitation to share.
I keep a number of response phrases in my mental back pocket for different levels of "How are you?". I can quickly determine the social context and pull out the right response - most of the time. 😊
Probably not the best strategy, but I often can't help myself, and just try to make comedy of this question, i.e. "how are you?", "absolutely rubbish, grab a seat and let me tell you all about it!", sometimes I get the chuckle I was aiming for, others I just get the you-failed-this-round-of-social-ping-pong response :)
Just found this channel, some great content (no diagnosis but I reckon I'm somewhere on the spectrum)
We should have an adaptation of the Irish finger signal. When someone waves at a driver, the driver responds by raising their index finger from the steering wheel.
This isn’t just an Irish thing. I’ve done this since I was 16, which was back in 2000, and I’ve lived in Texas my whole life.
Thank you so much for this! It never occured to me that the question actually could have 3 different meanings. In my younger years I felt just uncomfortable every time someone asked and didn't know how to answer.
What's the more emphasised word: 'how are YOU?' (casual verbal smile / wave), or is it 'how ARE you?' (probably after a 2 minute summary). It's extremely annoying to be asked in the morning. It's like being asked everyday 'How's your water?' - umm....?
My understanding is that in the 'ritual greeting', the emphasis is on the ARE when it is the first question, but the emphasis changes to YOU in the reciprocal question.
1st: 'Hi. How ARE you?'
2nd: 'Fine. How are YOU?'
or 'Fine. And YOU?'
I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday. He asked me 'How are you?' and I knew exactly how to answer - in this case, not at all well. Afterwards, as I was walking home, I bumped into an old friend who asked me the same question and I hadn't got a clue what to say. I knew it was simply a small-talk opening to a brief conversation, but I still struggled (mind you, I always struggle with small-talk).
My honest response is usually “I have no idea”
Yes same! Alexithymia it is for me.
But to clarify apparently neurotypcal people generally only say that when they're not feeling 100% but don't really want to talk about it because I got some concerned looks when I did that. Well I said "I don't know" as my response, not sure if "I have no idea" would give the same meaning
“Pass, next question” is amazing! I think that response would have to be given to the right person. You could probably do a whole video on the levels of acquaintanceship/friendship.
"How are you?" is very problematic for me when I talk to my English speaking friends. Not only am I autistic, but in my country/dialect it doesn't mean "hi." I know what it means in Enlgish, I know what I'm supposed to say, but I can't! It feels like a physical block, which is weird because I'm normally a great masker who can handle social situations well. It's just this one question breaks my mind.
One thing that helps me answer the question, "How are you?" is thinking about what I know about the routine of the interaction. When my therapist or medical clinician initially ask me how I am, I know that later in the process they are really going to want to hear the specifics. Initially, it's just a greeting.
I needed this.
I sometimes answer a different ‘small talk’ question, when askes how I am. Like answering: ‘well, its really nice weather were having’, or ‘its nice to get out of the house’ and to them it indicates that I am fine. It usually seems organic, because people actually often don’t answer the actual question that is asked them 🤷♀️
If it's a friend, I usually just say "I have no idea how to answer that question" to my parents I almost always say "I'm tired but I'm doing alright" unless there is something really worth mentioning, to strangers I always say "I'm good thanks" and reciprocate how are you or not based on how long I have to stand there or what I think their intentions are. I thought this video was a really helpful way to think about because it's something I think about often too.
Gosh, you hit the nail right on the head with that one. We want to share how we are, we want to actually go deep into how we are and connect in that way... There are countless people asking us that question every single day, and not ONE of them wants the answer we have to give. That's infuriating!
Even though I know how to respond in most situations, I still hold so much resentment for all the people around me who don't have the time or willingness to connect with me in that way, but still expect me to play by the ritual's rules.
I ask them, "Do you want the long answer or the short one?"
I did that many times and people mostly looked at me ashtonished. And their internal answer was always "not even the short". They don't care.
My latest response has just been to say "Mid" as it is still one syllable and covers being not good or bad. So if they do want details, I can then go into more and have it covered for all cases.
I’m in my 50s and, having just found out about my AuDHD, have learned that my honest responses to “how are you” for my entire life have been unusual.
Truth is I didn’t hear your video..! However I do like you..!listened to you before.
I like how you explain things, I understand you.
26 minutes of you describing everything that flashes through my mind in a split second when someone asks me the dreaded question 'How are you?'
What I was about to say.
This is why I pause when people ask.
"What just went through your head", they ask.
Now I can reference this 26 minute video.
Thank you so much.
I squirm like mad when I’m asked “how are you?” If it’s a text, I don’t answer. I’ve told then honestly and they don’t like it…I get “god, you’re so negative” Or the mood turns, I just feel shame after that. I’ve mostly lied saying I’m alright or I’m ok. Some of these comments are great and will try some of these what they say. Cheers folks, appreciate that, and of course, this channel 🙏
I would also say to someone that if you go to the doctor and the doctor asks, "How are you?" it's not a social question, but them trying to get you to open up about how you are.
We really like your "Pass. Next question." - strategy. We've also used it in the past and it does achieve the goal of acknowledging that I'm not fine but also that this is not the time to talk about it. (my husband and I are both neurodivergent)
My son would always respond with "normal" to that question.
I love that this question qualifies for a 26 minute video analysis. 👍🏻
People have hit me with this one at times. The answer was not what they cared about. There is also the line from the movie, .... "Don't ask questions to which you do not want the answer."
I have found “Great” and “Been better” are good non-committal answers that give me room to be honest without just brushing past the question.
When I was working a retail job, hearing "how are you?", or some variation thereon, dozens of times a day over more than ten years of retail jobs got old in about the first week. Apparently it really throws people when you respond "Crap, thanks for asking", and then just go on as if you'd said "I'm doing fine".
😂😂😂😂
I wish I had this video a few decades ago. I had figured out most if it on my own. I look forward to the next video. An outspoken coworker once told me that 'fine' meant "leave me alone. I don't wanna talk about it". I gravitate toward her because she is clear and concise and says what is on her mind. But this was my usual response. I then took a poll around work and found it was mainly her. Some others said they sometimes hear that in my response or in the word fine, but nobody else said it always means that. I now use "good" as a response. It often feels misleading, but I have seen at my current job it is mostly a greeting. Most coworkers say it in passing and don't even wait for the answer. If they are in earshot they do get offended when you don't ask back, which is confusing.
Bruh, I just watched an eight year old video of yours about how your whole life was basically about rejection. Then, I jumped onto your channel to see how you are doing. And it looks like you are doing great😊😊😊😊❤. I'm so happy for you. You've gone through your stuff and now you're helping others. Keep on doing you bruh, the world is truly a better place because you are in it.
P.S. Me and my girlfriend are both aspies so we totally get it.
Respect to you brother.
As I've gotten better with interacting with others and just talking to someone in passing, I've always responded with "I'm alright, and yourself?" And now, I just chuckle when the other person "locks up" because they weren't expecting a response.
Sometimes it can be a mix of all these answers, especially for example with a friend, if you're both fine and nothing has come up since the last time you've seen each other, then it's just a ritual, but if something has happened, you might be expected to elaborate. Basically, it's a ritualised way to check up on you by combining a question about your mood and a question about recent things that happened to you.
Really great video. I always feel like I can lie and say 'I'm fine' but am totally overwhelmed with friends who actually want to know how I am, and I want to share but just cannot figure out the scope of what to say.
I have thought about this too. It’s difficult, I like to be honest. I think the thing to keep in mind is consent.
Thanks!
Absolutely respond… “Not too bad” “Yourself?”
I like the flavor "I'm only a little bad today but mostly good"
Coworker: "well, I'm feeling badass myself, so I guess that's good too!"
There is a right to feel bad, to fight for
@@conscienceaginBlackadder … I do not view my bland response as my lack of right to feel how I feel. Rather it is my defence to not have to share it, and to hopefully avoid a possible plethora of questions that might follow dependant upon the words I chose to share in the moment. It is my form of self protection. Of course my hubby is not subject to this… he usually gets it all. 😂
This response of course has to change with the moment. It would require rewording depending on the situation. When, my mom died for instance, “Not too bad, given the situation “, “surviving”… but in that situation people still have a million and one questions, have a desire to tell me their thoughts and memories. Well meaning of course, but difficult for me to handle. And for me to remain free to feel my feels I choose not to share them so you don’t question me and I am not left feeling obliged to dissect them with you should you disagree. In the end I do it because it is easier for me.
If someone I don't know asks me, that's a solid indicator they're not worth my time. Time saved for me. So I answer with some variation of "What's it to you?"
In category 3 situations, I've started giving an honest response - because just like you said, telling people I'm fine when I'm not feels deceptive and I'm crap at lying. If the person cares and really wants to know how I am, then my honest response is not an issue. If they don't really want to know, they'll soon stop asking me after a few incidents of me giving too much info!
These videos are priceless and I appreciate that you put so much effort into making them... I can even see them being made into curriculum material for high school students... it would be very valuable... 🙂
I used to care and try to decipher what was expected of me to say. Now I simply tell the truth of how I'm actually feeling and I expect to be lectured afterwards "it was a greeting, you don't have to answer, etc.".
I personally like a good acquittance of mine who always replies "awful, truly awful". I wish I could do that, but I can't lie or fake it.
I just say “good,” even if overall I’m not, and I tell myself that I am “good” in this very moment temporarily, based on a personal choice, to get over the sense of “lying.”
The question that’s worse than “how are you?” Is actually “what’s up?” because what’s up creates this expectation that they want to know what you are busy/occupied with, which is basically “how are you” PLUS “what are you working on?”
I often freeze at both questions around certain people, because in that moment I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons of each answer type based on duration, and also what would I say and how would I summarize for each duration choice.
Oh my, this is the most relatable thing ever. Hate this question so much. It is very rare that I'm actually feeling happy or anything close to it, but that's mostly my business and nothing the people asking could or should solve, so naturally I'm not gonna bother them, it is what it is. And the other way around, I know for a fact I have asked that question probably less than 100 times throughout my whole life because I'm only saying it when I actually want to hear the genuine answer, because I might know someone had stuff going on recently, makes sense to check up then.
All in all, these rituals look like "acceptable people pleasing"/"acceptable masking" to me. It should be a surprise to no one that we might not be too fond of what can be seen as the easiest entry step to what makes us miserable.
Oh, the mother/child example in the second half is kind of important, imo. If there's one person who actually should care about your genuine answer, it's your mother. This is something I unfortunately lost along the way with my own mother. I don't have a bad relationship with her by any means, but there have been various ups and downs, some trust has been lost, some shame involved etc. I fully understand she always wanted the best for her son, but there really are some things in life where we will never understand each other, and whenever I actually tried to get help with one of those things, I got unhelpful/bad advice.
Thank you. I teach English as a second language to adults. Your video is going to be very helpful in clarifying this topic for my students.
I really hate being asked "How are you?".😳 Most of the time I just try to ignore it, but sometimes I will say, "Oh, 'I guess' I'm doing ok...?!" - especially when it's obvious they're expecting a response.😖 I very rarely answer, "I'm fine", or "I'm doing good". 🌱
Paul, I just want to say Thank You. I really appreciate, and am grateful for what you do here. It means a lot to me. 😊
Thank you for this video, Paul! I'm one of those high masking sorts that understands the different categories (greeting, ritual, and question) but I'm not always clear on which one we're doing at a given moment. I usually assume it's greeting or ritual, but if the person is one I do have some sort of relationship with, the nuances get... murky. A few weeks ago, a guy from church who I've had several somewhat substantive conversations with asked the question, and I responded with the straightforward and probably awkward, "Are you looking for the socially scripted answer, or the real one?" My church community knows I'm awkward, so something like that wouldn't be overly shocking, but he looked a little surprised and said, "the real one." I gave him a ten second response that very much invited further conversation, but he wasn't there for it. And that's fine. But I wish someone would be.
I'm certain of what my diagnosis would be, but I'm currently in the interminable state of limbo that is waiting for assessment. It's been 16 months.
I don't think I've ever heard someone specifically talk about how it is a problem if you always say "I'm fine" to "how are you," because it could be a barrier to forging deeper relationships. It's so often people just say "don't overshare!" which can be important, but if that's all you're ever taught it can be a huge problem to making friends as well /:
Recently I've been talking with someone and we're obviously both trying to be closer friends with one another, but for a while all our conversations started with "Hey what have you been up to?" "Oh nothing much, you?" "Yeah nothing much." and then just lapsing into awkward silence because neither of us knew how to actually answer that question honestly lol. It's really hard to break out of that habit and be like. Oh wait let me actually think of an answer to that question and not just follow The Script.
Also, I go to a mental health clinic every other week, and I always find it amusing when the doctor or a nurse comes out to fetch me and asks "how are you?" and i say "oh i'm alright" and then we get back into the private room and they ask "how have you been doing?" and i actually give them an honest answer lol. It's just such a clear example of the context switching there.
Brilliant!
My mother in her last years used to answer “As good as can be expected”.
As a muslim (revert) I am required to say Alhamdulillah - basically thanking God for being in existence ( regardless of how dire ones state is.) And there are many blessings no doubt to that ‘attitude of gratitude’ -
Interestingly the Q in Arabic “Khaif Halak?” Literally means How (or what) is your state?
i've always hated this question, thanks for explaining it so well :)
Thank you, this is extremely valuable! I'm looking forward to part 2.
This is a great example of the sort of thing that has always made me feel as though I must be an alien from another planet or something. The sort of 'normal' behavior that most people do without really stopping to think about it, but that just baffles me. Why do we even ask this question? It seems as though it is often used more in form of a greeting or acknowledgement of the other person's presence or a way to try to show others that you are friendly or something like that. None of those reasons, however, are clearly stated in the question itself. I struggle with calculating all of these implied, nuanced subtext for situations like this, especially in the very short time most people give me before they expect some sort of response from me.
I tend to assume that the person is actually wanting to know about my physical and/or mental state, so it is weird to me when they quickly find a way to disengage from the conversation once I start telling them about how tired and depressed I've been lately, or my recent surgery that I'm recovering from, or that my ears hurt and my mind is reeling because of how noisy the surroundings are, etc. Why even ask if you don't want to know?
Instead of saying 'How are you?' when I encounter someone, I prefer more direct greetings like ''I'm glad to meet you", or "I really like the design on your shirt", or even just simply "Hello". I really like 'G'Day' :) All are preferable to me over "How are you?"
I really don't like using these social rituals. It is so weird to me that we do these things. Even 'Hello' feels a bit pointless. I'd rather say something that relates what I'd like to know about the person, if anything, or what I'd like the person to know from me. It often confuses people when I try to be more direct or specific.
Good point that this situation can be a problem in the opposite when you have a relationship already with the person and they are now upset because all I said was 'fine' or 'ok' when actually the person really wants me to open up about what I'm thinking and feeling.
It's genuinely hard for me to tell the difference between the first situation and the second one. It seems like I often get it wrong and tell people either too much, or not enough. In either case 'How are you?' is not helping me tell the difference. When people actually want to know what's going on with me, I wish they'd ask a more specific question like "Would you please take a moment to talk with me about what you are thinking or feeling?" Or if they didn't really want to know anything, I wish they'd just say "Hello".
Great video!
I answer it with "I feel like usually" ...it is better in my opinion than I do not know.
i sometimes just say okay, but often i’ll say it was good or fine regardless of whether or not it actually was because i learned that it was what people wanted to hear and it was easier to just say that and not elaborate. i completely agree that it feels like lying, and sometimes it is
Tahle otázka je pro mě opravdu hodně těžká. Psychiatr už ví, že ji nemám ráda a neptá se mě. Nechápu proč se lidi ptají "jak se máš" když je to vůbec nezajímá :-))) Děkuju za video.
I always try to go for the most accurate answer, e.g. "How are you?" -> "Decent." If I'm feeling more humorous go w/ "Oh you know..." & leave it hanging
My standard answer when someone asks me "How are you?" is "Good looking, smart and humble, the usual."