I spent the first 35 years or so of my life (as far as I can remember) feeling like my default setting was that people hated me, even once I'd found my tribe, so to speak. What I found transformative was realising that essentially my affection "receiver" was faulty. I had a really well developed neural pathway for picking up rejecting messages, but a really underdeveloped pathway for receiving and logging evidence that I was valued, so I just dismissed whatever positive data was incoming. Once I realised that, I began making a point of cognitively logging evidence that I was valued, whenever any was presented, even if I didn't emotionally FEEL like it was true. Within a few months of starting to do this I began to actually experience the feeling of being valued, and that's made huge difference. I can still feel rejected at times, but the feelings are much softer and less constant.
Rejection will last a lifetime. I'm 62. I can vouch. I have Social awkwardness, zero skill picking up on social ques, relationships are very few and far between. My own kids reject me. I've spent my life kissing people's butts trying to keep friends and relationships going, but I always end up being used and abused. I have no humility. So exhausting always trying so hard to have friends. Thank goodness for the internet.
I'm 65 and still struggling. Recently I decided to stop efforting and find peace on channels like this. The mask is coming off. I wish you peace and self love, despite the NT worlds inability to understand us
We saw that video.. it was awesome.. it made us cry.. we subscribed because of it.. Watching this.. we agree you have come a long way.. Every time we watch your videos.. we are helped.. We believe you are fine as you are.. that you do not need to mask.. no one should have to mask to fit in.. If someone has a problem with that.. it is their problem.. We would be glad to have you as our friend.. Thank you for your channel and your videos.. we are helped every time we watch.. William and Jen
We’ve been watching your older videos since we subscribed.. we do not believe rejection is the story of your life.. we believe pure courage is the story of your life! William and Jen💜💙
Yes. It still feels like the story of my life. But similar to you, I've learned to look back with a little more understanding and compassion for myself. Most likely, I was chasing the wrong people and clinging to the idea of relationships I thought I had, rather than seeing them for what they really were. I really like the part where you talk about letting relationships just be what they are, instead of trying to force them to be something else. Accepting a relationship might only be superficial, but it can still be enjoyable. That person just won't be who you reach out to for serious help. And that's ok, too.
I didn't know what mental type I was. Spending a lifetime trying to interact and "pass" as neurotypical was exhausting. I can never be neurotypical as they can never be me. Now I need to find the lost person that was me before I tried to become something I wasn't.
Rejection has been the story of my life - misunderstood etc. Now that I know more about my brain and my brain growth disruption in my childhood, it is so much easier to cope with. Plus reaching 53 and post menopause I really don't care much what most folks think about me, just my precious few friends and daughters. Thanks Paul :D x
Paul, you hit a nerve. I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help. Not because I feel rejected. People offer, but I am rarely ready. I am far better left to potter through my difficulties at my own speed, with the help of God my Saviour. He has answered prayers without number, and has healed hurts both ancient and modern. I don't anymore have energy to try to conform. I can't stand the boredom! I dropped out a long time ago and have been much happier ever since but I applaud your efforts, and your desire for acceptance, and your videos have hugely helped me recognise my ND status. Thank you!
I have experienced rejection too much, but it started at home. I think for a lot of us our first bullies are our families, I was cut off socially at 5yo , my “caregiver” was emotionally unstable and had such an extreme reaction to me that I wasn’t allowed to interact with or speak to anyone, which was terrible having autism and not being able to socialize at home. I think that was one of the hardest rejections I’ve had to deal with.By the time I went to school, rejection was just a part of being in school. It’s still something I have to work on and manage
Rejection has been a major part of the story of my life. Recently, several rejections happened all around the same time and led me to question myself. That's when my therapist finally mentioned she thought I was likely on the spectrum. I'm 47.
this is great! I feel similarly, that rejection is a significant part of my life, but I continue to learn and grow and that helps me to handle it better and know when somebody is not worth my energy and attention
I've never fit in anywhere in my 47 years. I recall vividly when I was in middle school and junior high, my two "friends" weren't even good at faking friendship. Fortunately I have a few really close true friends now, but I still feel like I don't fit in in most social situations such as work. It wasn't until the last few years that I learned I was neurodivergent. Finding that out explained the reasons behind feeling like I didn't belong anywhere.
The rejection video changed my life and my daughter’s life. I don’t know how I stumbled on it, but it made me realize that my daughter needed to be evaluated for autism. Sure enough, she has classic Asperger’s. Her whole life made so much more sense to me now and we changed many things in our lives, stopped struggling against her human nature, and our lives dramatically improved. Awareness created acceptance. Thank you so much for all you do.
Dear Paul! This might be one of my favorite videos so far, it hit close to home and made me share it with my very very few loved ones. Solitude is very underrated, but in my home, we love being alone together .
I have some really beautiful and authentic connections now. For me it has been about finding my people, unmasking, and building connection on generous compassion and care for others (still with boundaries). Anyone who rejects me now I see as doing me a favour, it's a natural filter for people who are not accepting. I adore the people in my life deeply. No surprises that many of them are neurodivergent too. 🥰
" Anyone who rejects me now I see as doing me a favour, it's a natural filter for people who are not accepting." Such a great way to view this! Thanks for the image!
See now I never considered my experience to be rejection. My whole life I've always been relatively well liked. I'd learned at a young age that if you smile most people will give you a few moments of time. But it was always only surface level. Nobody has ever wanted to get close to me, never wanted to learn about what makes me me. And the few times I've tried, those people made it about them. And I was used to being outside of the group. I lived my life in a glass box. I could see them, interact with them, but I could never touch their souls. The parts that made them who they were. Over the years my glass walls only got thicker. In school I was the girl who people talked to but never invited out to a movie or a sleepover. My birthday parties were always pretty bare. But that's not quite how I view rejection. True rejection (I was dealing with cancer, which forced my mask to slip up and two people in my department caused my entire department to bully me extremely relentlessly and my boss and HR departments did nothing) to me only came recently and it sent me into a really bad burnout. I didn't clean my home, or eat, or shower, or sleep much for nearly 2 weeks. I sat in a chair and stared at a wall.
I have found it so hard at work as well. I went into Autistic Burnout after loosing my last job. I had a health issue at the time. The thing that always hurts me the most is, that other people at work that you thought were almost friends, where keeping their distance and staying away. The part where the other people knew you where on the way out, and they did not want to be known to be associated as it would give them a bad reputation. Try to concentrate on the things that you enjoy. I feel that is really important when in Burnout. I hope that things will get better for you soon.
I feel for you. Sitting in a chair for 2 weeks and staring at a wall. I have experienced that and never knew why. I couldn't function or barely move. It felt like the pain hit me so hard, it knocked me to the ground. Then it felt like someone kept punching me in my stomach. After that, I just would go numb for periods of time. Sometimes entire days in autistic catatonia. Feeling trapped in my own body. I'm sorry that you went through that.😢
I think one issue is that autistic individuals expect others to participate in relationships with the same intensity. By their nature, the average person lacks the ability for that level of intensity. That leads the autistics to feel the neurotypicals don't care.
I'm probably at where you used to be. For me, instead of calling it "feeling rejected", I'd call it "not being understood" or, more specifically, people not putting in anywhere near as much effort engaging in trying to understand me as I do for them, and that feels incredibly unfair and hurtful. I need to accept that most of the food in the pan is likely already unsalvageable; and, as much as I want to save what may be left, my already critically burnt hands won't be able to endure much more abuse and it won't be worth it.
I was abandoned by my mother when I was eight days old. I dealt with it by never putting too much store in relationships, which has served me well in dealing with the kind of rejection you talk about. It is often said that humans are social beings but I'm not sure that is true in my case. If your expectations of relationships are low to begin with then anything positive that comes from them is a pleasant surprise.
You having low expectations of a relationship is different than our biological wiring and need for socialization. We are meant to socialize. I am an introvert and even I need to socialize. If you left a dog to rot in a room and never be pet or looked at they would depress and die. We require stimulation. That’s not the same as how you perceive a relationship. Socialization is the reason why you believe you do better with being low expecting 😉
@@AddamsHaunted I'm honestly happiest when I have no contact with other people. My stimulation comes primarily from nature and my interests. I live on a sizeable property and can easily go a week without seeing or speaking to anyone, and still don't feel the urge to interact with people. However, I do need to drive into town for supplies. I think relationships are necessary, because you can't avoid interactions with other humans, but my need to socialise is certainly low. When I do socialise, I usually feel like the other persons gets more out of it than I do.
Good insights. It is interesting to look back and see how we grow and change as people. I think the longer we walk in the knowledge of who we are the more comfortable we can get, like breaking in shoes until they conform just right to our feet. Rejection still has its echoes in my life but nowhere near what it once did. It helps in a sense that so much of my existence has been redesigned in a much more interior fashion in the years since discovering my diagnoses. Much less need to interact on uncomfortable levels. When I do venture out, I still have places and people for which a certain amount of masking remains necessary. However, I am learning to take that as less they would reject the "real" me and more gaining a deeper understanding of what our relationship really is-and is not. I have never viewed the first video but would be interested to. I venture to guess there are marked changes and gains in assurance. I expect as the years go, there will be many more. Thanks for this and be well.
Thanks for the new framework. I've been a lifelong saver, not asking for anything until I'm at the absolute end of my rope, and it's led to barely anyone being there for me. I'll try to consciously put your new framework into practice, gently, next time around.
The whole concept that relationships need to be reciprocal from the start, that I need to ask for stuff from the start, is f'ing mind blowing. Like, and I think I'm not the only one, I was taught not to ask for anything, not to be a 'mooch' and to be independent from a very young age. I've even run into friend related trouble for being a 'mooch' (total misunderstanding and complete BS). But it is going to be very hard to break this habit of not asking for anything, But it brings back a time when I was young and had very little money and had a saying that all I had for my friends was the opportunity for them to do stuff for me. It felt a little self serving, but it was true. Not that I had any real friends then either.
With acquaintances and superficial "friends" you indeed cannot really ask for anything (and they probably won't offer, either). True friendship is imho distinguished by you both being able to ask.
I already knew there was something 'wrong' with me socially before going to boarding school, but as a Christian I'd resolved to be kind to everyone regardless of how they might treat me. That first year was painful, teenagers can be cruel! But I will always be thankful for the opportunity that loneliness gave me to get to know Jesus better. To know that He loved and accepted me and had created me to do good things no one else could do (not that I'm particularly special, it's true of every person reading this too) - I finally experienced such inexplicable joy through knowing Jesus that sustained me through that difficult time. And friendships have followed (most significantly with my husband - I never imagined I'd get married!), with variable levels of depth but that's ok, I don't think any other mere human is supposed to be able to completely fill the friendship hole that only God can fill. 30 years later and I can finally put a name to a lot of those experiences - thanks largely to these amazingly helpful and insightful videos! But I share this in the hope that someone will find it helpful - God loves you and actually wants to be your friend, he'll never reject you or let you down ❤
😳 I think I might be an version of the older you. Relationships have been so incredibly frustrating, exasperating, and painful. The part about casting an ever wider net... that hit hard. Masking has given everyone in my life this idea that I never need support because Im so positive and supportive. It has made me incredibly lonely. I've been practicing letting go of those relationships that mean I will always be the one that pushes for inclusion. It really stinks. I don't know if I would call it rejection, definitely in my young life it was, I guess as I've gotten older it's more like repeated missed connections. Thankyou so much for sharing your personal experience, for making yourself vulnerable. It helped in ways I can't express. I feel seen AND understood- validated. Its uncomfortable leaving this comment. I've felt so utterly abandoned at times. I hope others feel as seen and validated.
You are brave to share your experience despite the discomfort. I’ve felt utterly abandoned at times in my life too. I’ve always found solace keeping close to Nature & this calms me & reminds me I’m stardust in a big ancient mystery called life. Well-being & peaceful joy to you.🐞💖🪶
@@wandoorose I hope you find more like minded people to connect with. We have so many gifts to share with others. You are brave to leave your comment also.
@@taiweannoona1204 Thank you. Yes, you are right we have gifts to share. I have a blog about Art & Nature - it’s my way of showing up in the world & connecting with others. All good wishes to you.🐚🐞🪽
Wow I realise I do what you did, I tend to put effort in and expect effort to come back, like bank deposits. Its transactional. I think a lot of autistic people think like this, and i know i find it very hard to visualise a relationship not being like this. I think its also the reason we get used, because we are not asking for anything back, we just expect pay back at some vague date in the future. I think it seems very logical for us to work like that. You talking about asking for small bits of help has helped me visualise maybe what a less transactional relationship looks like. Also the thing about asking acquaintance for help and being rejected, because the relationship is not strong enough so the acquaintance cant bare the weight, even if it is a small thing. That makes a lot of sense to me, and something i can empathise with, especially since i am a low energy person. Sometimes when we're in a lot of pain and need help we dont have the time or room on our brains to empathise. Is rejection the story of my life? I dont know. I'm often rejected, and often reject others. Nowadays i reject others more than they reject me, because i do not have the energy for commited friendships, and frankly i dont understand them or their dynamics. I have wanted too much from people, and i still do, but now i suppose i have traumatised myself by putting in too much so i can get what i want, so i associate friendships with giving too much energy. I suppose i was not empathising, and i was desperate too. I know my approach to friendahipa is wrong, though i have improved as i have been expecting less from them. Accepting that my standards are too high has definitely caused a lot of grief. For me friendships seem to work mysteriously, as if whatever gels people together is on a different frequency to my own, i still dont get how it works but i see glimpses every now and then. Sometimes i learn that the things im suppsed to do feel very against my nature, or they are things i find scary, or too exhausting or difficult.
It is really remarkable and inspiring to see how far you've come and developed your talents in teaching through video over the years to communicate some very abstract concepts in very concrete ways. I find your videos so helpful and detailed. Can't thank you enough.
The first video seems the story of the first 35 years of my life. Fortunately I started to unmask and stopped clinging to poor relationships (with the help of a very good therapist) many many years before even realizing I am on the spectrum. Now I'm almost 52 and I actually have deep and fulfilling friendships. Many of them. And even though I still find it a lot difficult to ask for help, I know I can do it and will find someone to help me. 10 months ago I started this new journey in the autism spectrum, and all my friends have been supportive ever since. The world in general is still hostile, but who cares?
Yesss… It’s a story of my life. I feel like I’ve been rejected since I was born, it’s happening all the time again and again and I met a rejection recently. Though I’m telling myself not to try to communicate with anyone again, but instinct is taking over and… here we are. Rejected again. No wonder. What is masking? We’re hiding ourselves. Like a monster. No one likes monsters, right? It’s a potential or actual troublemakers. I can’t blame people who running away, it’s their natural instincts. Almost everyone ran away, there’s 2-3 of them still around and I don’t know why, but it’s a good thing. Maybe their quantity will reduce soon, so I should be a first supporter for myself. I know who I am. I know all the social exercises wouldn’t work for me, I can’t change who I am and I must exert myself. I’m not blaming myself for being me anymore. If I did or said something inappropriate again (and again, and again) I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m not a villain or something. It’s not on purpose, it’s just my opinion, it’s just Who I Am. I can’t change it so I’m not blaming myself for it. That’s my affirmation nowadays, and believe me, I’m repeating it more often than I want 😅 We are who we are. Don’t blame yourself (and others). Support yourself ❤
Such an eloquent video. Thank you Paul. Finding your channel & listening to your experiences has helped me develop understanding & kindness towards myself. I’ve also been able to end draining relationships- as you say, it’s painful & takes time, but the peace afterwards is gold! Blessings on your journey.
Rejection happens a lot but I can see that rejection was just what I focused on. I'm actually far more accepted than I noticed. What people rejected was my masked self. I don't make hardly at all. Something happened in 1997 that made my mask impossible to maintain. It was never my mask to begin with it the mask forced on me through ABA therapy techniques. That mask helped at times but lead to a lot rejection as I came off untrustworthy.
I think Rejection is the Story of My Life was one of the first videos of yours I encountered and was at the beginning of my autism journey. It resonated so much with me and unlocked some suppressed memories and emotions. I'm two years in now, but I'm still trying to figure out how to unmask and adjust my life. This video is helpful. I still struggle with forming relationships, and I suspect a big part of that is not taking enough of the small steps in the beginning to build it up (mostly because 1. I don't know how, and 2. I don't have the energy for it). I probably need some ND coaching and social skills training to help me.
I really enjoy listening to your videos, you are very knowledgeable and extremely helpful especially as I am currently going through an Autism assessments process later on in life 👍
I also let go of relationships that weren't working, and sometimes I feel like I don't have enough relationships. I am afraid of rejection and sensitive to micro rejections, real or perceived or theorized. For me it's more about abandonment than rejection. Even though I logically know many people love or like me, I feel like it's not enough, it's fleeting, and I feel lonely and a misfit and like I can't be myself a lot of the time. The sadness around that comes and goes, sometimes I feel more optimistic and sometimes not.
I am turning 62 and thanks to a couple UA-camrs and UA-cam's algorithms, I am just now finding out I am autistic. It explains a lot. Back in the day we were just put in the shy/awkward box but then expected to somehow learn how to be "normal" - but never measuring up. They did the same thing with being left-handed - to be normal you must become right-handed. The only thing I would change about it is I wish I had learned much much sooner. Being able to be who I am and acknowledge the strengths/benefits of my personality without having to feel a failure because basic social skills don't come naturally. All those years wasted feeling bad because I don't like being in crowds or going to parties - when it should just be accepted as a personal preference - like not liking brussel sprouts or someting.
I've gleaned a lot of insight into my experience and perception of the world since discovering my own neurodivergence through your videos and others like you. I completely agree, that my life experience is still much the same but having the tools and understanding to navigate my own challenges both in how I perceive and interact with the world has made a significant difference for the positive. Thank you Paul, for sharing your journey.
Today I realised as a child I felt like I was always getting left behind. ‘’Wait for me’’ was always in my mind and in my heart. I guess it was takling me longer to process everything. I was just as smart and smarter than some, but it seemed I had to mull over things before I could reply or make a move. My favorite people now and my friends are those who are patient and wait for my weird timing.
11:57 I love this confidence, but the fact it is necessary is saddening. Sometimes on the tube (the underground trains for non-brits) it gets really loud and I see people putting their fingers in their ears. I imagine there are many people who have sensory issues beyond this even who are unable to use the tube because it is too loud. Disappointing how unfriendly UK infrastructure still is in so many ways.
Well, I'm you 8 years ago for the time being. I've been suspecting to be autistic for more than 3 years but I could get the medical appointment with the specialist for next Wednesday. There are not too many professionals for detection of autism in adults in my country, so it was very difficult to get that appointment. I've also suspected to be gifted for more than 2 years until I could be tested 2 months ago to confirm I am. So I'm starting my journey now. Glad to ´ve found your videos to help me. 😃 I love you accent! Is it Australian? It´s very clear to understand for non native English speakers.
experiencing a similar timeline myself, and have gradually been reaching the same conclusion. i still experience rejection and misunderstandings, but... like i just don't care as much now. as you say, the key was finding a few healthy interpersonals and experiencing what that was like. i'm still learning to unmask properly, and will likely be chipping away at that for years to come, but i'm now okay with that reality too appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this topic, Paul. i found this video incredibly insightful and pleasantly validating. so thank you for taking the time to record and post it cheers 😉
masked or unmasked, my problem is not acceptance or rejection... it's people not been able to understand that what is not acceptable to do to others is also not acceptable to do to me... i've been told a multitude of times that my tastes, opinions, knowledge and right to respect were not important. i'm told not to talk about and just accept the same things that make others pissed off and that they'll take about ad nauseam for years... "it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!" "I know, i only did it cause you laughed about mine for 3 years." "I find yours funny!" "so if i find yours funny, i can laught about it?" "no. it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!"
with my ex mother in law, we looped 4-5 times this dialog on multiple occasions. at no point she realised i was also 'people. even when i said it directly. she just looked at me confused... she asked me for years how she could make me believe anything she said as the only truth as if i had no knowledge, understanding or nose for bullshit of my own. and when i said "say things that are more align with reality and verifiable facts.", she said "No..." Just as a 3 years old, i'm not listening! I should just take what i'm told as the only truth and do what i'm told without thinking!
Not exactly rejected but I always knew that I was different and clashing with the neurotypicals. I am 63 years old now , most of the time unmasked and advocating for Autism tolerance.
rejection no but i learned very early on to just let go and let things be now misunderstandings and just about everything else that comes with autisum & adhd [because off course i have both im just that special lol] absolutely but that only happens with people i dont know & i dont waste my time on those relationships there are a lot off people that i dont click with & im perfectly fine with that id rather be alone for the rest off my life than spend an hour in a room with someone who just does not get me & likely never will
Eventually, you stop trying. I'm 64. I've never had a serious relationship. Never dated a girl long enough to get to the first kiss. However long that would take. I'm not the most aggressive romantic. In the end, I'm always pushed aside. After being told I'm not good enough for almost a half century, I start to believe it. I've become more isolated from the outside world. But I'm doing okay. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm content in life. I guess that's more than most people these days. I just wish I could have been normal. I wish I could have known how to deal with people the same way other people did.
@JustClaude13 Well, I can't say my total was big when I got to kissing on the first date - I was a teen still. It depends on the persons and chemistry between them. But it's easier for a woman, as most take initiative. Our issue is the opposite - to divert that initiative if it's not yet wanted.
@@MiljaHahto It occurred to me: This is about the most autistic discussion I've been in for years. Regular people wouldn't answer my post with how long it takes to get into kissing. That's why I like these channels. It feels like home.
I can see myself in this as I have never tried to take off the mask but I’m slowly only doing this to another friend considering I already taken off the mask. Best shout about this and will learn not to care about what people think 😁
I need to check out the other videos. I’m rewatching this as I comment and I realise my issue is that I don’t have enough reciprocal relationships. In fact I feel it’s a family issue as I’m estranged from extended family and only just started speaking to 1st cousins around 5 years ago at the age of 24. My grandma always says that I should keep in touch with family but when I have tried it’s like the effort is never reciprocated. So going by this video advice, which I believe is correct, I need to try less as it actually feels painful if I try to get to know someone but the effort is never reciprocated. It feels like either I’m too boring, unlikeable, wrong in the way I act.
I appreciate the videos. I’m feeling so freaking alone. I was literally just bullied out of an autism emotional support chat for being literal. I can’t even connect with people I thought were supposed to be like me. 😔
The 'rejection-tinted glasses' concept is so good! 🥸 I don't have a friend who can help me if I'm experiencing the dysphoria, but I'm finding I can ask myself 'am I wearing rejection-tinted glasses?' (or - indeed - rose-tinted glasses.. I guess the idea is aim to be wearing clear ones)
Learning to play by the NT's rules, may not have the long term advantages you are hoping it will. And denial of your own true nature, may not result in the types of things you'll enjoy down the road either... The learning curve on this one is frikn steep... best of luck and much compassion to all of us on that curve
You feel like an alien, I feel like I am invisible or a ghost that people don't see properly or treat as though I am not there. I have felt in my life that people hated me because I am "different" and you are not allowed to be "different" you have to be the same as the rest of us (by and large) are, and you're not. For years I had no friends, now I have two, but neither of them really know me as I am afraid to reveal my true self to them as they are "normal" and I am not. I am a gay cross-dresser, but the last time I wrote that on one of these sites, I was roundly castigated because the other person didn't want to know. So you see, I have more than one issue - not a problem, because it is only a problem to others, not me. Like you, I don't care any more. Thanks Paul! Another great video!
Through my life of having Asperger’s I found that just…being is enough. Sure, sometimes I slip into that habit of trying to fit a box a person wants me to Fit In but often I find myself breaking out of it. Though, it’s a good thing. It helps people see who I am, those who don’t like it I give no attention to. Those who do I give enough attention to. The way people function socially is like a subconscious hivemind disguised as independent thought as social persecution is a constant reminder in all peoples heads in relation to the hypothetical group your interacting with. and conformity will always come off as fake due to your difference to others around you. Don’t fit a group, let the group fit you and happiness will follow.
I'm just impressed you watched a video of yourself ! lol I'm pretty sure I have a pathological* dislike of being recorded in any way. It's very unsettling to see* Hear*
I think I'm on the other end of what you talked about. I have been in a relationship with someone with ADHD and probable undiagnosed autism. We have a non-verbal, autistic ten year old son and have been living together for almost 12 years now. He thought he just needed to find "the one" and then all of the doors to maintaining a successful relationship would just open for him. Of course I didn't know any of this when i met him. He sold himself on his loyalty, which he has been but it was coming from his ability to maintain friendships. So, in essence, I waited for years for him to "get the right feelings for me". He's great at friendships but not at intimate relationships, and specifically a marriage type of relationship. How do I let go of him? We live together for our son's sake, so we're co-parenting. He says he loves me in his own way, but to me, he offers friendship and not the type of relationship I want. I'm not ending my FRIENDship with him but need to stop thinking he will come around and be the partner I want and need. I would like some perspective on this from people with autism that might be able to help me with this. He doesn't seem to be able to explain what his feelings for me are other than he thinks that's what love is supposed to be. I have explained to him that there's love for friends and then there's the love for your significant other. It's different.
I'm even being bullied by bus drivers in my town. Complete discrimination. It's horrible. Bus drivers? Just do your job, take me to my appointment, and don't try to tell me I'd be happier if I lived somewhere else. WTH! Why do people pick on us. I don't get it. I go out of my house once every two weeks, and apparently, this small town gets off on picking on vulnerable people. They mock and make fun of what they don't understand. They see a kind soul, then pounce. It's horrible.
Honestly, the so called normies have the biggest problem with understanding reciprocal relationships. Their little passive aggressive tantrums they throw at you being “odd” shows their immaturity. Let them do some growing up for a change.
6:43 I thought you were going to say meds. It's curious, I related to that video a lot in the past, and although things didn't changed too much, I've been feeling way better (or carrying way less) after I started with medication for depression.
You are spooking me with how all of these things and how they apply to me a 27 year old with a sister who cares for autistic children without the brain abilitys I have. So I guess that blocked her from seeing me doing my thing. Well fast forward to now and it seems something that is like the pits of hell has surfaced, I mean life ruining kinda deal. I think it comes from this unseen autistic behaviour I've been doing for 27 years. Well now it's like all the things from your videos has gone Super Saiyan and introduced neurological symptoms into the mix basically I think ignoring it and putting up with the bloody human race has caused it to go full on FND, not just burnout but next level burnout where you twitch out and shake feels like everything is burning, cold or itching sometimes all at once, Half blind vision everything you can think from neurological issues, it does. but I'm wondering what you understand about this FND and how that fits into all this mixture. People will realise your brain is different after about 2 sentences and not want to be around you. I don't think they realise why or that they are even doing it. Gardens are basically the yeah I'd rather live with plants they are chill are go crazy around me plus they produce bacteria in the ground that help with depression and all that...
same here, me ex broke up with me 3 months ago and i did'nt understand my autistic trades, if i knew them befor the relationship i could have explained them to her, so she could understand how to handel them, but it causted alot of confusion while me 11 months relationship lasted, like ice blocking where she wanted a answer out of me that at that time i could'nt give answer back because she was putting presser on my so much that i turn into ice block and could'nt say anthing anymore. or that i understand sarcasme to straight forward, my ex said that i was to distracted when we where talking or kissing a good bye, so i made in to tunnel vision, where i closed of the intire would and only focus on her, but then she said that i was to aimping into her soul and that also was'nt good. masking came also confronting me where at home i was a relaxed person, but when i was going outside with orthere people i came more protective and unrelaxed. that i did'nt see, but she did see in me. but came al to late. and i blame meself for not have the experience of have dating more or have'nt got into relationship befor my 34 age, im now 36 and single again, with even more questions then answers
It's been 2.5 years for me being single after dating for 10 years. It was like her and her entire family which I knew and loved died but there was no funeral. I'm just starting to 'get over it' , but not really. Idk if it's regression or what but I feel less and less capable as time goes on. I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to be vulnerable with someone again but all we can do is hope and cope.
Knowledge is power - the power of understanding & compassion towards yourself & others. In my experience, knowledge is frequently acquired after going through a doorway called “pain”. I’m an old & have survived many shattering things. After a time of loss & grieving, the spark of life returns & you go forward with the new experience you have from surviving adversity. With all good wishes.🍀
I don’t know if it’s the autism or that I’m fat but I just can’t make friends or keep a job if I do the relationship lasts about a year then they move away or something I have no friends now and it’s sucks as the last person who I thought was a friend let me down I kind of burn bridges with people if they don’t treat me the way I would treat them it’s not that I’m being mean it’s just if I have done ten favours for someone and they can’t even do one for me I don’t see why I should keep them around maybe I’m selfish I don’t know anyone else like this?
If that’s you in the profile picture then you’re gorgeous so I don’t think it has anything to do with your looks. Maintaining friendships is hard as F tbh and the part about bending over backwards for others to in the end not getting anything in return is defeating. It’s not wrong ti expect a little in return in a relationship, especially if you give your all. I have the same problem and people keep telling me I just haven’t met the right people yet but hello, I’m 34, I should have by now at least met ONE genuine person but no. I just don’t with people anymore (neurodifficult people) online communications is enough.
@@IsidorTheNordicGuy aww thank you I’m 38 so I don’t know maybe it’s our age we’re not seen as the cool kids anymore I really don’t know maybe I’m just awkward af
Unfortunately perception is reality. You get what you put into it. I have battled obesity all my life and finally lost 150 lbs. I was so different and healthy and happier. However, the pre-diagnosed spectrum me was still there, insecurity was, weird humor, awkward, and more expectations made me feel lost and felt like the world was superficial. I got more eyes on me socially because I looked better and naturally was happier and more confident. I finally attracted women I wanted to look at me. I started to resent my masking and relapsed on eating due to stress of new job and just missing junk foods and binging. I don’t miss being fat at all. It won’t be like this forever. At the time, I just hated having to socially fit the norm of being the new handsome and lean guy until they saw my true weird flaws and unmasked me and they scrammed. So I retreated and was tired of rejection but also wasn’t facing my true reality of myself, it had nothing to do with just weight or my eating habits. Eatings habits are addictive issues I face not because I feel just sorry for myself and because of rejection. Now I am more wise being more realistic when I lose weight this time and also just embrace my personality with changes in better behavior and some forms of masking that do help me. I do notice, the fatter I get, the more I feel autistic and the guy everyone wants to avoid because I look and feel defeated. Ironically, when I was lean and smiley I still felt miserable because I had too many eyes and attention on me and we live in such a shallow world where we judge so much on looks and not accept personality. I never changed but I was healthier, confident, happier, and more tough skinned but still weird and irritated alot.
Hi Paul where did you get those ear muffs from please? I urgently need a pair before new year. The arabs in my neighbourhood love their fireworks. It’s like being in a war zone from before sunset to 2am. Thanks the only ones online I found are kids size
I’m diagnosed with high functioning autism when I was in middle school none of the guys wouldn’t go out with me I was going through an awkward stage I felt rejected
I was part of a few friendship groups and they only wanted me around so they could use and abuse me . They would make promises to catch up and never did . They were only nice if they thought they could get something out of it. .
Do you wear the ear muffs to drown out the environmental noise in the supermarket? I'm wearing noise cancelling headphones and earbuds almost 24/7 due to my environment. I can recommend that sony wf-1000xm5 (and xm4) has great noise cancellation. The Headphones are also just as good but have less seal than earbuds, so the noise can pass into your ears if you smile laughing or something. Samsung's Buds 2 Pro is good too, but a little less noise cancellation than the sony ones.
I spent the first 35 years or so of my life (as far as I can remember) feeling like my default setting was that people hated me, even once I'd found my tribe, so to speak. What I found transformative was realising that essentially my affection "receiver" was faulty. I had a really well developed neural pathway for picking up rejecting messages, but a really underdeveloped pathway for receiving and logging evidence that I was valued, so I just dismissed whatever positive data was incoming. Once I realised that, I began making a point of cognitively logging evidence that I was valued, whenever any was presented, even if I didn't emotionally FEEL like it was true. Within a few months of starting to do this I began to actually experience the feeling of being valued, and that's made huge difference. I can still feel rejected at times, but the feelings are much softer and less constant.
Very insightful. Thank you for sharing your positive experience of change that is possible.
Rejection will last a lifetime. I'm 62. I can vouch. I have Social awkwardness, zero skill picking up on social ques, relationships are very few and far between. My own kids reject me. I've spent my life kissing people's butts trying to keep friends and relationships going, but I always end up being used and abused. I have no humility. So exhausting always trying so hard to have friends. Thank goodness for the internet.
Same for me. 61 next birthday. Just lost another job because people don't and refuse to try and understand me.
I'm 65 and still struggling. Recently I decided to stop efforting and find peace on channels like this. The mask is coming off.
I wish you peace and self love, despite the NT worlds inability to understand us
I'm about a decade behind you, but I gave up on kissing butt a long time ago. It's just not worth it.
We saw that video.. it was awesome.. it made us cry.. we subscribed because of it..
Watching this.. we agree you have come a long way..
Every time we watch your videos.. we are helped..
We believe you are fine as you are.. that you do not need to mask.. no one should have to mask to fit in..
If someone has a problem with that.. it is their problem..
We would be glad to have you as our friend..
Thank you for your channel and your videos.. we are helped every time we watch..
William and Jen
We’ve been watching your older videos since we subscribed.. we do not believe rejection is the story of your life.. we believe pure courage is the story of your life!
William and Jen💜💙
Yes. It still feels like the story of my life. But similar to you, I've learned to look back with a little more understanding and compassion for myself. Most likely, I was chasing the wrong people and clinging to the idea of relationships I thought I had, rather than seeing them for what they really were.
I really like the part where you talk about letting relationships just be what they are, instead of trying to force them to be something else. Accepting a relationship might only be superficial, but it can still be enjoyable. That person just won't be who you reach out to for serious help. And that's ok, too.
I don't value superficial relationships. Hmm perhaps it was me doing the rejection.
I didn't know what mental type I was. Spending a lifetime trying to interact and "pass" as neurotypical was exhausting. I can never be neurotypical as they can never be me. Now I need to find the lost person that was me before I tried to become something I wasn't.
It's a rewarding path, may you get better soon
Rejection has been the story of my life - misunderstood etc. Now that I know more about my brain and my brain growth disruption in my childhood, it is so much easier to cope with. Plus reaching 53 and post menopause I really don't care much what most folks think about me, just my precious few friends and daughters. Thanks Paul :D x
Paul, you hit a nerve. I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help. Not because I feel rejected. People offer, but I am rarely ready. I am far better left to potter through my difficulties at my own speed, with the help of God my Saviour. He has answered prayers without number, and has healed hurts both ancient and modern. I don't anymore have energy to try to conform. I can't stand the boredom! I dropped out a long time ago and have been much happier ever since but I applaud your efforts, and your desire for acceptance, and your videos have hugely helped me recognise my ND status. Thank you!
I have experienced rejection too much, but it started at home. I think for a lot of us our first bullies are our families, I was cut off socially at 5yo , my “caregiver” was emotionally unstable and had such an extreme reaction to me that I wasn’t allowed to interact with or speak to anyone, which was terrible having autism and not being able to socialize at home. I think that was one of the hardest rejections I’ve had to deal with.By the time I went to school, rejection was just a part of being in school. It’s still something I have to work on and manage
Rejection has been a major part of the story of my life. Recently, several rejections happened all around the same time and led me to question myself. That's when my therapist finally mentioned she thought I was likely on the spectrum. I'm 47.
this is great! I feel similarly, that rejection is a significant part of my life, but I continue to learn and grow and that helps me to handle it better and know when somebody is not worth my energy and attention
I've never fit in anywhere in my 47 years. I recall vividly when I was in middle school and junior high, my two "friends" weren't even good at faking friendship. Fortunately I have a few really close true friends now, but I still feel like I don't fit in in most social situations such as work. It wasn't until the last few years that I learned I was neurodivergent. Finding that out explained the reasons behind feeling like I didn't belong anywhere.
The rejection video changed my life and my daughter’s life. I don’t know how I stumbled on it, but it made me realize that my daughter needed to be evaluated for autism. Sure enough, she has classic Asperger’s. Her whole life made so much more sense to me now and we changed many things in our lives, stopped struggling against her human nature, and our lives dramatically improved. Awareness created acceptance. Thank you so much for all you do.
Dear Paul! This might be one of my favorite videos so far, it hit close to home and made me share it with my very very few loved ones. Solitude is very underrated, but in my home, we love being alone together .
I have some really beautiful and authentic connections now. For me it has been about finding my people, unmasking, and building connection on generous compassion and care for others (still with boundaries). Anyone who rejects me now I see as doing me a favour, it's a natural filter for people who are not accepting. I adore the people in my life deeply. No surprises that many of them are neurodivergent too. 🥰
" Anyone who rejects me now I see as doing me a favour, it's a natural filter for people who are not accepting." Such a great way to view this! Thanks for the image!
Yep, rejection is constant is nonstop and so is the betrayal.
When they don't tell you for months then they ambush you
See now I never considered my experience to be rejection. My whole life I've always been relatively well liked. I'd learned at a young age that if you smile most people will give you a few moments of time.
But it was always only surface level. Nobody has ever wanted to get close to me, never wanted to learn about what makes me me. And the few times I've tried, those people made it about them. And I was used to being outside of the group. I lived my life in a glass box. I could see them, interact with them, but I could never touch their souls. The parts that made them who they were. Over the years my glass walls only got thicker.
In school I was the girl who people talked to but never invited out to a movie or a sleepover. My birthday parties were always pretty bare.
But that's not quite how I view rejection. True rejection (I was dealing with cancer, which forced my mask to slip up and two people in my department caused my entire department to bully me extremely relentlessly and my boss and HR departments did nothing) to me only came recently and it sent me into a really bad burnout. I didn't clean my home, or eat, or shower, or sleep much for nearly 2 weeks. I sat in a chair and stared at a wall.
❤❤❤
I have found it so hard at work as well. I went into Autistic Burnout after loosing my last job. I had a health issue at the time. The thing that always hurts me the most is, that other people at work that you thought were almost friends, where keeping their distance and staying away. The part where the other people knew you where on the way out, and they did not want to be known to be associated as it would give them a bad reputation.
Try to concentrate on the things that you enjoy. I feel that is really important when in Burnout. I hope that things will get better for you soon.
I feel for you.
Sitting in a chair for 2 weeks and staring at a wall.
I have experienced that and never knew why.
I couldn't function or barely move.
It felt like the pain hit me so hard, it knocked me to the ground.
Then it felt like someone kept punching me in my stomach.
After that, I just would go numb for periods of time.
Sometimes entire days in autistic catatonia. Feeling trapped in my own body.
I'm sorry that you went through that.😢
I think one issue is that autistic individuals expect others to participate in relationships with the same intensity. By their nature, the average person lacks the ability for that level of intensity. That leads the autistics to feel the neurotypicals don't care.
Good idea. very true.
Great thoughts. Monotropism for the win!
Great insight.
I'm probably at where you used to be. For me, instead of calling it "feeling rejected", I'd call it "not being understood" or, more specifically, people not putting in anywhere near as much effort engaging in trying to understand me as I do for them, and that feels incredibly unfair and hurtful. I need to accept that most of the food in the pan is likely already unsalvageable; and, as much as I want to save what may be left, my already critically burnt hands won't be able to endure much more abuse and it won't be worth it.
I was abandoned by my mother when I was eight days old. I dealt with it by never putting too much store in relationships, which has served me well in dealing with the kind of rejection you talk about. It is often said that humans are social beings but I'm not sure that is true in my case. If your expectations of relationships are low to begin with then anything positive that comes from them is a pleasant surprise.
You having low expectations of a relationship is different than our biological wiring and need for socialization.
We are meant to socialize.
I am an introvert and even I need to socialize.
If you left a dog to rot in a room and never be pet or looked at they would depress and die.
We require stimulation.
That’s not the same as how you perceive a relationship.
Socialization is the reason why you believe you do better with being low expecting 😉
@@AddamsHaunted I'm honestly happiest when I have no contact with other people. My stimulation comes primarily from nature and my interests. I live on a sizeable property and can easily go a week without seeing or speaking to anyone, and still don't feel the urge to interact with people. However, I do need to drive into town for supplies. I think relationships are necessary, because you can't avoid interactions with other humans, but my need to socialise is certainly low. When I do socialise, I usually feel like the other persons gets more out of it than I do.
I'd like to have a win or two... just every so often... that would feel great.
Same
I see you💞
I feel exactly the same way. It’s like “oh come on! Can I get a break every now and then?!”
Good insights. It is interesting to look back and see how we grow and change as people. I think the longer we walk in the knowledge of who we are the more comfortable we can get, like breaking in shoes until they conform just right to our feet. Rejection still has its echoes in my life but nowhere near what it once did. It helps in a sense that so much of my existence has been redesigned in a much more interior fashion in the years since discovering my diagnoses. Much less need to interact on uncomfortable levels. When I do venture out, I still have places and people for which a certain amount of masking remains necessary. However, I am learning to take that as less they would reject the "real" me and more gaining a deeper understanding of what our relationship really is-and is not. I have never viewed the first video but would be interested to. I venture to guess there are marked changes and gains in assurance. I expect as the years go, there will be many more. Thanks for this and be well.
Thanks for the new framework. I've been a lifelong saver, not asking for anything until I'm at the absolute end of my rope, and it's led to barely anyone being there for me. I'll try to consciously put your new framework into practice, gently, next time around.
I have faith that your life is much better. You always seem like a strong person , helpful to others , kind and positive.
The whole concept that relationships need to be reciprocal from the start, that I need to ask for stuff from the start, is f'ing mind blowing. Like, and I think I'm not the only one, I was taught not to ask for anything, not to be a 'mooch' and to be independent from a very young age. I've even run into friend related trouble for being a 'mooch' (total misunderstanding and complete BS). But it is going to be very hard to break this habit of not asking for anything,
But it brings back a time when I was young and had very little money and had a saying that all I had for my friends was the opportunity for them to do stuff for me. It felt a little self serving, but it was true. Not that I had any real friends then either.
With acquaintances and superficial "friends" you indeed cannot really ask for anything (and they probably won't offer, either). True friendship is imho distinguished by you both being able to ask.
I already knew there was something 'wrong' with me socially before going to boarding school, but as a Christian I'd resolved to be kind to everyone regardless of how they might treat me. That first year was painful, teenagers can be cruel! But I will always be thankful for the opportunity that loneliness gave me to get to know Jesus better. To know that He loved and accepted me and had created me to do good things no one else could do (not that I'm particularly special, it's true of every person reading this too) - I finally experienced such inexplicable joy through knowing Jesus that sustained me through that difficult time. And friendships have followed (most significantly with my husband - I never imagined I'd get married!), with variable levels of depth but that's ok, I don't think any other mere human is supposed to be able to completely fill the friendship hole that only God can fill. 30 years later and I can finally put a name to a lot of those experiences - thanks largely to these amazingly helpful and insightful videos! But I share this in the hope that someone will find it helpful - God loves you and actually wants to be your friend, he'll never reject you or let you down ❤
It was, but now I'm finding with finding my tribe, I can relax and be accepted.
😳 I think I might be an version of the older you. Relationships have been so incredibly frustrating, exasperating, and painful. The part about casting an ever wider net... that hit hard. Masking has given everyone in my life this idea that I never need support because Im so positive and supportive. It has made me incredibly lonely. I've been practicing letting go of those relationships that mean I will always be the one that pushes for inclusion. It really stinks. I don't know if I would call it rejection, definitely in my young life it was, I guess as I've gotten older it's more like repeated missed connections. Thankyou so much for sharing your personal experience, for making yourself vulnerable. It helped in ways I can't express. I feel seen AND understood- validated. Its uncomfortable leaving this comment. I've felt so utterly abandoned at times. I hope others feel as seen and validated.
You are brave to share your experience despite the discomfort. I’ve felt utterly abandoned at times in my life too. I’ve always found solace keeping close to Nature & this calms me & reminds me I’m stardust in a big ancient mystery called life. Well-being & peaceful joy to you.🐞💖🪶
@ thankyou for your kind thoughts 💞💞💞❤️🩹 I relate to what you said about nature. Its very deep for me too.
@@taiweannoona1204 🪽
@@wandoorose I hope you find more like minded people to connect with. We have so many gifts to share with others. You are brave to leave your comment also.
@@taiweannoona1204 Thank you. Yes, you are right we have gifts to share. I have a blog about Art & Nature - it’s my way of showing up in the world & connecting with others. All good wishes to you.🐚🐞🪽
Wow I realise I do what you did, I tend to put effort in and expect effort to come back, like bank deposits. Its transactional. I think a lot of autistic people think like this, and i know i find it very hard to visualise a relationship not being like this. I think its also the reason we get used, because we are not asking for anything back, we just expect pay back at some vague date in the future. I think it seems very logical for us to work like that. You talking about asking for small bits of help has helped me visualise maybe what a less transactional relationship looks like.
Also the thing about asking acquaintance for help and being rejected, because the relationship is not strong enough so the acquaintance cant bare the weight, even if it is a small thing. That makes a lot of sense to me, and something i can empathise with, especially since i am a low energy person. Sometimes when we're in a lot of pain and need help we dont have the time or room on our brains to empathise.
Is rejection the story of my life? I dont know. I'm often rejected, and often reject others. Nowadays i reject others more than they reject me, because i do not have the energy for commited friendships, and frankly i dont understand them or their dynamics. I have wanted too much from people, and i still do, but now i suppose i have traumatised myself by putting in too much so i can get what i want, so i associate friendships with giving too much energy. I suppose i was not empathising, and i was desperate too. I know my approach to friendahipa is wrong, though i have improved as i have been expecting less from them. Accepting that my standards are too high has definitely caused a lot of grief. For me friendships seem to work mysteriously, as if whatever gels people together is on a different frequency to my own, i still dont get how it works but i see glimpses every now and then. Sometimes i learn that the things im suppsed to do feel very against my nature, or they are things i find scary, or too exhausting or difficult.
It is really remarkable and inspiring to see how far you've come and developed your talents in teaching through video over the years to communicate some very abstract concepts in very concrete ways. I find your videos so helpful and detailed. Can't thank you enough.
Me, too!
Priceless info everyone needs to know! These were all huge mistakes and then solutions for me too.
It was great to meet you in person in March 2022 at the Exhibition Buildings for the first time. You will always be one of my special people.
The first video seems the story of the first 35 years of my life. Fortunately I started to unmask and stopped clinging to poor relationships (with the help of a very good therapist) many many years before even realizing I am on the spectrum. Now I'm almost 52 and I actually have deep and fulfilling friendships. Many of them. And even though I still find it a lot difficult to ask for help, I know I can do it and will find someone to help me. 10 months ago I started this new journey in the autism spectrum, and all my friends have been supportive ever since. The world in general is still hostile, but who cares?
Yesss… It’s a story of my life. I feel like I’ve been rejected since I was born, it’s happening all the time again and again and I met a rejection recently. Though I’m telling myself not to try to communicate with anyone again, but instinct is taking over and… here we are. Rejected again. No wonder. What is masking? We’re hiding ourselves. Like a monster. No one likes monsters, right? It’s a potential or actual troublemakers. I can’t blame people who running away, it’s their natural instincts. Almost everyone ran away, there’s 2-3 of them still around and I don’t know why, but it’s a good thing. Maybe their quantity will reduce soon, so I should be a first supporter for myself. I know who I am. I know all the social exercises wouldn’t work for me, I can’t change who I am and I must exert myself. I’m not blaming myself for being me anymore. If I did or said something inappropriate again (and again, and again) I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m not a villain or something. It’s not on purpose, it’s just my opinion, it’s just Who I Am. I can’t change it so I’m not blaming myself for it. That’s my affirmation nowadays, and believe me, I’m repeating it more often than I want 😅 We are who we are. Don’t blame yourself (and others). Support yourself ❤
Such an eloquent video. Thank you Paul. Finding your channel & listening to your experiences has helped me develop understanding & kindness towards myself. I’ve also been able to end draining relationships- as you say, it’s painful & takes time, but the peace afterwards is gold! Blessings on your journey.
Rejection happens a lot but I can see that rejection was just what I focused on. I'm actually far more accepted than I noticed. What people rejected was my masked self. I don't make hardly at all. Something happened in 1997 that made my mask impossible to maintain. It was never my mask to begin with it the mask forced on me through ABA therapy techniques. That mask helped at times but lead to a lot rejection as I came off untrustworthy.
I think Rejection is the Story of My Life was one of the first videos of yours I encountered and was at the beginning of my autism journey. It resonated so much with me and unlocked some suppressed memories and emotions. I'm two years in now, but I'm still trying to figure out how to unmask and adjust my life. This video is helpful. I still struggle with forming relationships, and I suspect a big part of that is not taking enough of the small steps in the beginning to build it up (mostly because 1. I don't know how, and 2. I don't have the energy for it). I probably need some ND coaching and social skills training to help me.
Not know what to say, what to do, or how to act is the story of my life
thanks for sharing, you explain so clearly ❤
I really enjoy listening to your videos, you are very knowledgeable and extremely helpful especially as I am currently going through an Autism assessments process later on in life 👍
5:23 in. I’ve destroyed relationships by wanting less. 😮
Great approach; learned a lot from your reflection; How cool to be able to have a clear reference point to you past self.
I am not that great in groups, I get sensitive that I am being left out and I get hurt and upset.
I have not rejected you. Im still with you.
I also let go of relationships that weren't working, and sometimes I feel like I don't have enough relationships. I am afraid of rejection and sensitive to micro rejections, real or perceived or theorized. For me it's more about abandonment than rejection. Even though I logically know many people love or like me, I feel like it's not enough, it's fleeting, and I feel lonely and a misfit and like I can't be myself a lot of the time. The sadness around that comes and goes, sometimes I feel more optimistic and sometimes not.
I relate to this so much.
@srldwg ❤️
I am turning 62 and thanks to a couple UA-camrs and UA-cam's algorithms, I am just now finding out I am autistic. It explains a lot. Back in the day we were just put in the shy/awkward box but then expected to somehow learn how to be "normal" - but never measuring up. They did the same thing with being left-handed - to be normal you must become right-handed.
The only thing I would change about it is I wish I had learned much much sooner. Being able to be who I am and acknowledge the strengths/benefits of my personality without having to feel a failure because basic social skills don't come naturally. All those years wasted feeling bad because I don't like being in crowds or going to parties - when it should just be accepted as a personal preference - like not liking brussel sprouts or someting.
I've gleaned a lot of insight into my experience and perception of the world since discovering my own neurodivergence through your videos and others like you.
I completely agree, that my life experience is still much the same but having the tools and understanding to navigate my own challenges both in how I perceive and
interact with the world has made a significant difference for the positive. Thank you Paul, for sharing your journey.
Today I realised as a child I felt like I was always getting left behind. ‘’Wait for me’’ was always in my mind and in my heart. I guess it was takling me longer to process everything. I was just as smart and smarter than some, but it seemed I had to mull over things before I could reply or make a move. My favorite people now and my friends are those who are patient and wait for my weird timing.
11:57 I love this confidence, but the fact it is necessary is saddening. Sometimes on the tube (the underground trains for non-brits) it gets really loud and I see people putting their fingers in their ears. I imagine there are many people who have sensory issues beyond this even who are unable to use the tube because it is too loud. Disappointing how unfriendly UK infrastructure still is in so many ways.
Well, I'm you 8 years ago for the time being. I've been suspecting to be autistic for more than 3 years but I could get the medical appointment with the specialist for next Wednesday. There are not too many professionals for detection of autism in adults in my country, so it was very difficult to get that appointment. I've also suspected to be gifted for more than 2 years until I could be tested 2 months ago to confirm I am. So I'm starting my journey now. Glad to ´ve found your videos to help me. 😃
I love you accent! Is it Australian? It´s very clear to understand for non native English speakers.
Yep, Paul is an Aussie.
experiencing a similar timeline myself, and have gradually been reaching the same conclusion. i still experience rejection and misunderstandings, but... like i just don't care as much now. as you say, the key was finding a few healthy interpersonals and experiencing what that was like. i'm still learning to unmask properly, and will likely be chipping away at that for years to come, but i'm now okay with that reality too
appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this topic, Paul. i found this video incredibly insightful and pleasantly validating. so thank you for taking the time to record and post it
cheers 😉
Wonderfully said. I feel the same.
masked or unmasked, my problem is not acceptance or rejection...
it's people not been able to understand that what is not acceptable to do to others is also not acceptable to do to me...
i've been told a multitude of times that my tastes, opinions, knowledge and right to respect were not important.
i'm told not to talk about and just accept the same things that make others pissed off and that they'll take about ad nauseam for years...
"it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!"
"I know, i only did it cause you laughed about mine for 3 years."
"I find yours funny!"
"so if i find yours funny, i can laught about it?"
"no. it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!"
with my ex mother in law, we looped 4-5 times this dialog on multiple occasions. at no point she realised i was also 'people.
even when i said it directly. she just looked at me confused...
she asked me for years how she could make me believe anything she said as the only truth as if i had no knowledge, understanding or nose for bullshit of my own.
and when i said "say things that are more align with reality and verifiable facts.", she said "No..."
Just as a 3 years old, i'm not listening! I should just take what i'm told as the only truth and do what i'm told without thinking!
Yep that was the video that got me into you and how I discovered you and why I subscribed to you
Not exactly rejected but I always knew that I was different and clashing with the neurotypicals. I am 63 years old now , most of the time unmasked and advocating for Autism tolerance.
rejection no but i learned very early on to just let go and let things be now misunderstandings and just about everything else that comes with autisum & adhd [because off course i have both im just that special lol] absolutely but that only happens with people i dont know & i dont waste my time on those relationships there are a lot off people that i dont click with & im perfectly fine with that id rather be alone for the rest off my life than spend an hour in a room with someone who just does not get me & likely never will
Eventually, you stop trying.
I'm 64. I've never had a serious relationship. Never dated a girl long enough to get to the first kiss. However long that would take. I'm not the most aggressive romantic.
In the end, I'm always pushed aside. After being told I'm not good enough for almost a half century, I start to believe it. I've become more isolated from the outside world.
But I'm doing okay. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm content in life. I guess that's more than most people these days.
I just wish I could have been normal. I wish I could have known how to deal with people the same way other people did.
Usually it does not take many dates to first kiss.
@@MiljaHahto
It probably goes more quickly with experience. If my lifetime total were higher I might have learned to be seductive and romantic.
@JustClaude13 Well, I can't say my total was big when I got to kissing on the first date - I was a teen still. It depends on the persons and chemistry between them. But it's easier for a woman, as most take initiative. Our issue is the opposite - to divert that initiative if it's not yet wanted.
@@MiljaHahto
It occurred to me: This is about the most autistic discussion I've been in for years. Regular people wouldn't answer my post with how long it takes to get into kissing.
That's why I like these channels. It feels like home.
I can see myself in this as I have never tried to take off the mask but I’m slowly only doing this to another friend considering I already taken off the mask.
Best shout about this and will learn not to care about what people think 😁
I need to check out the other videos. I’m rewatching this as I comment and I realise my issue is that I don’t have enough reciprocal relationships. In fact I feel it’s a family issue as I’m estranged from extended family and only just started speaking to 1st cousins around 5 years ago at the age of 24. My grandma always says that I should keep in touch with family but when I have tried it’s like the effort is never reciprocated. So going by this video advice, which I believe is correct, I need to try less as it actually feels painful if I try to get to know someone but the effort is never reciprocated. It feels like either I’m too boring, unlikeable, wrong in the way I act.
I appreciate the videos. I’m feeling so freaking alone. I was literally just bullied out of an autism emotional support chat for being literal. I can’t even connect with people I thought were supposed to be like me. 😔
This is great. So helpful. ❤
Thank you for your videos! Self-diagnosed this year, explains so many difficultiea I have had for decades.
You cast your net to the world, Paul.
thank you for this Paul.
Brilliant explanation.
Thank you
6:06 11:22 🌻
Very helpful, thanks.
The 'rejection-tinted glasses' concept is so good! 🥸 I don't have a friend who can help me if I'm experiencing the dysphoria, but I'm finding I can ask myself 'am I wearing rejection-tinted glasses?' (or - indeed - rose-tinted glasses.. I guess the idea is aim to be wearing clear ones)
I never take rejection well, of course I’m an actor so rejection (as in not being cast in a show) I something I get often.
Learning to play by the NT's rules, may not have the long term advantages you are hoping it will. And denial of your own true nature, may not result in the types of things you'll enjoy down the road either...
The learning curve on this one is frikn steep... best of luck and much compassion to all of us on that curve
You feel like an alien, I feel like I am invisible or a ghost that people don't see properly or treat as though I am not there. I have felt in my life that people hated me because I am "different" and you are not allowed to be "different" you have to be the same as the rest of us (by and large) are, and you're not. For years I had no friends, now I have two, but neither of them really know me as I am afraid to reveal my true self to them as they are "normal" and I am not. I am a gay cross-dresser, but the last time I wrote that on one of these sites, I was roundly castigated because the other person didn't want to know. So you see, I have more than one issue - not a problem, because it is only a problem to others, not me. Like you, I don't care any more. Thanks Paul! Another great video!
The analogy of playing the violin was very helpful.
Through my life of having Asperger’s I found that just…being is enough. Sure, sometimes I slip into that habit of trying to fit a box a person wants me to
Fit In but often I find myself breaking out of it. Though, it’s a good thing. It helps people see who I am, those who don’t like it I give no attention to. Those who do I give enough attention to.
The way people function socially is like a subconscious hivemind disguised as independent thought as social persecution is a constant reminder in all peoples heads in relation to the hypothetical group your interacting with. and conformity will always come off as fake due to your difference to others around you. Don’t fit a group, let the group fit you and happiness will follow.
If you feel like your alone, you are not alone in feeling alone - but you are still going to feel it lol.
I'm just impressed you watched a video of yourself !
lol I'm pretty sure I have a pathological* dislike of being recorded in any way.
It's very unsettling to see*
Hear*
I think I'm on the other end of what you talked about. I have been in a relationship with someone with ADHD and probable undiagnosed autism. We have a non-verbal, autistic ten year old son and have been living together for almost 12 years now. He thought he just needed to find "the one" and then all of the doors to maintaining a successful relationship would just open for him. Of course I didn't know any of this when i met him. He sold himself on his loyalty, which he has been but it was coming from his ability to maintain friendships. So, in essence, I waited for years for him to "get the right feelings for me". He's great at friendships but not at intimate relationships, and specifically a marriage type of relationship. How do I let go of him? We live together for our son's sake, so we're co-parenting. He says he loves me in his own way, but to me, he offers friendship and not the type of relationship I want. I'm not ending my FRIENDship with him but need to stop thinking he will come around and be the partner I want and need. I would like some perspective on this from people with autism that might be able to help me with this. He doesn't seem to be able to explain what his feelings for me are other than he thinks that's what love is supposed to be. I have explained to him that there's love for friends and then there's the love for your significant other. It's different.
I'm even being bullied by bus drivers in my town. Complete discrimination. It's horrible. Bus drivers? Just do your job, take me to my appointment, and don't try to tell me I'd be happier if I lived somewhere else. WTH! Why do people pick on us. I don't get it. I go out of my house once every two weeks, and apparently, this small town gets off on picking on vulnerable people. They mock and make fun of what they don't understand. They see a kind soul, then pounce. It's horrible.
Thank you!
thank you thank you.
Hello, Paul!
''Rejection is just a part of life!'' - Devorah Turan
Honestly, the so called normies have the biggest problem with understanding reciprocal relationships. Their little passive aggressive tantrums they throw at you being “odd” shows their immaturity. Let them do some growing up for a change.
Thanks for the update
Very well explained thank you
6:43 I thought you were going to say meds. It's curious, I related to that video a lot in the past, and although things didn't changed too much, I've been feeling way better (or carrying way less) after I started with medication for depression.
You are spooking me with how all of these things and how they apply to me a 27 year old with a sister who cares for autistic children without the brain abilitys I have. So I guess that blocked her from seeing me doing my thing. Well fast forward to now and it seems something that is like the pits of hell has surfaced, I mean life ruining kinda deal. I think it comes from this unseen autistic behaviour I've been doing for 27 years. Well now it's like all the things from your videos has gone Super Saiyan and introduced neurological symptoms into the mix basically I think ignoring it and putting up with the bloody human race has caused it to go full on FND, not just burnout but next level burnout where you twitch out and shake feels like everything is burning, cold or itching sometimes all at once, Half blind vision everything you can think from neurological issues, it does. but I'm wondering what you understand about this FND and how that fits into all this mixture.
People will realise your brain is different after about 2 sentences and not want to be around you. I don't think they realise why or that they are even doing it.
Gardens are basically the yeah I'd rather live with plants they are chill are go crazy around me plus they produce bacteria in the ground that help with depression and all that...
same here, me ex broke up with me 3 months ago and i did'nt understand my autistic trades, if i knew them befor the relationship i could have explained them to her, so she could understand how to handel them, but it causted alot of confusion while me 11 months relationship lasted, like ice blocking where she wanted a answer out of me that at that time i could'nt give answer back because she was putting presser on my so much that i turn into ice block and could'nt say anthing anymore.
or that i understand sarcasme to straight forward, my ex said that i was to distracted when we where talking or kissing a good bye, so i made in to tunnel vision, where i closed of the intire would and only focus on her, but then she said that i was to aimping into her soul and that also was'nt good.
masking came also confronting me where at home i was a relaxed person, but when i was going outside with orthere people i came more protective and unrelaxed. that i did'nt see, but she did see in me.
but came al to late.
and i blame meself for not have the experience of have dating more or have'nt got into relationship befor my 34 age, im now 36 and single again, with even more questions then answers
It's been 2.5 years for me being single after dating for 10 years. It was like her and her entire family which I knew and loved died but there was no funeral. I'm just starting to 'get over it' , but not really. Idk if it's regression or what but I feel less and less capable as time goes on. I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to be vulnerable with someone again but all we can do is hope and cope.
Knowledge is power - the power of understanding & compassion towards yourself & others. In my experience, knowledge is frequently acquired after going through a doorway called “pain”. I’m an old & have survived many shattering things. After a time of loss & grieving, the spark of life returns & you go forward with the new experience you have from surviving adversity. With all good wishes.🍀
I don’t know if it’s the autism or that I’m fat but I just can’t make friends or keep a job if I do the relationship lasts about a year then they move away or something I have no friends now and it’s sucks as the last person who I thought was a friend let me down I kind of burn bridges with people if they don’t treat me the way I would treat them it’s not that I’m being mean it’s just if I have done ten favours for someone and they can’t even do one for me I don’t see why I should keep them around maybe I’m selfish I don’t know anyone else like this?
If that’s you in the profile picture then you’re gorgeous so I don’t think it has anything to do with your looks.
Maintaining friendships is hard as F tbh and the part about bending over backwards for others to in the end not getting anything in return is defeating.
It’s not wrong ti expect a little in return in a relationship, especially if you give your all.
I have the same problem and people keep telling me I just haven’t met the right people yet but hello, I’m 34, I should have by now at least met ONE genuine person but no.
I just don’t with people anymore (neurodifficult people) online communications is enough.
@@IsidorTheNordicGuy aww thank you I’m 38 so I don’t know maybe it’s our age we’re not seen as the cool kids anymore I really don’t know maybe I’m just awkward af
@ I’m awkward too, but that’s ok I think 🤔 well, awkward according to the neurodifficult people LOL 😆
I think one just gets tired. No one wants to feel used or unappreciated.
Unfortunately perception is reality.
You get what you put into it.
I have battled obesity all my life and finally lost 150 lbs.
I was so different and healthy and happier.
However, the pre-diagnosed spectrum me was still there, insecurity was, weird humor, awkward, and more expectations made me feel lost and felt like the world was superficial.
I got more eyes on me socially because I looked better and naturally was happier and more confident.
I finally attracted women I wanted to look at me.
I started to resent my masking and relapsed on eating due to stress of new job and just missing junk foods and binging.
I don’t miss being fat at all. It won’t be like this forever.
At the time, I just hated having to socially fit the norm of being the new handsome and lean guy until they saw my true weird flaws and unmasked me and they scrammed.
So I retreated and was tired of rejection but also wasn’t facing my true reality of myself, it had nothing to do with just weight or my eating habits.
Eatings habits are addictive issues I face not because I feel just sorry for myself and because of rejection.
Now I am more wise being more realistic when I lose weight this time and also just embrace my personality with changes in better behavior and some forms of masking that do help me.
I do notice, the fatter I get, the more I feel autistic and the guy everyone wants to avoid because I look and feel defeated.
Ironically, when I was lean and smiley I still felt miserable because I had too many eyes and attention on me and we live in such a shallow world where we judge so much on looks and not accept personality.
I never changed but I was healthier, confident, happier, and more tough skinned but still weird and irritated alot.
Hi Paul where did you get those ear muffs from please? I urgently need a pair before new year. The arabs in my neighbourhood love their fireworks. It’s like being in a war zone from before sunset to 2am. Thanks the only ones online I found are kids size
I’m diagnosed with high functioning autism when I was in middle school none of the guys wouldn’t go out with me I was going through an awkward stage I felt rejected
I was part of a few friendship groups and they only wanted me around so they could use and abuse me . They would make promises to catch up and never did . They were only nice if they thought they could get something out of it. .
10:47 "100 acquaintances" lol 😆
Friendships are so important!
That video really affected me. I'm planning to do a reaction video to it. Do you mind?
It would be great if you could include support for Spanish subtitles. 🙂
Thank you, Paul. Any reading you would recommend on unmasking?
Do you wear the ear muffs to drown out the environmental noise in the supermarket? I'm wearing noise cancelling headphones and earbuds almost 24/7 due to my environment. I can recommend that sony wf-1000xm5 (and xm4) has great noise cancellation. The Headphones are also just as good but have less seal than earbuds, so the noise can pass into your ears if you smile laughing or something. Samsung's Buds 2 Pro is good too, but a little less noise cancellation than the sony ones.
I have those exact same ear muffs. I buy them at dollar tree.
Help people broadcast their situation.
A monastery could be good,
Help people broadcast their stories.
read William James Principles.