100%!!!...Something I heard in another video from The Tea On NPD a couple months ago really hit me in my chest when she said it because it resonated so true..."This person does not love you...This person absolutely hates you!"...That is the sad and unfortunate absolute truth
True living it now trying to get out to long lives to close and too old for it won’t let me go every time I feel I’m in the clear my x my nieghbor ug up in my business . Maki f me sick
Yes think of how violent they were and there devaluing .and new supply through in your face. No contact works it's the only way. I moved 3 times after I left.
Narcissists all pop up again soon enough. When a genuine good'un withdraws the privilege of their time, company and attention it's an extremely painful experience. We give these people too much credit; they are ALWAYS looking back, ruminating, bleeding out emotionally and haunted by the past. They know you're unique and will imagine you're upto something more interesting and totally over them, hoping the opposite is true. A narcissistic ex once told me "random sex has no meaning". Good people are unbelievably difficult to replace and of far greater value. So be the one who got away. Stay gone forever and leave them right where they left you.
It's true. Abandon all hope when dealing with nascisistic disorder. These people are your enemy no matter how nice or caring they my seem, it's always a trap.
Nope. For most narcs, therapy is play time or a psychological workout where they exercise their manipulation skills. Most therapists are not trained enough to know that they are getting the “narc work over”. It’s a ruse, don’t believe a WORD of it.
Often the problem is that we feel alone after the discard, they know this because they have created your loneliness by isolating you from, friends and family. We have to remember we are never alone ,we are loved and held by the universe, by God however you define that, and the loving human contact we all crave can only come by being free of the narcissist. Brilliant video, Paula 🙏
Wow you just describe how I’m feeling. I put so much in the relationship and always put myself 2nd an her 1st. It’s been 2 month an im still feeling empty. I don’t know how long it will take to fully recover but I’m feeling a little better one day at a time. Hopefully I can wake up one day and truly say that she don’t matter an that day will be one of the best day of my life moving forward. 🙏🙏
Well said this is exactly what I experienced isolated from all my friends over time one by one and family members too ...my god these toxic beings are so sly so devious and yet they tell us they love us unbelievable I was certainly taken for a ride I never knew there was such a thing as a Narcissist until I got the start of my discard...I WANT SPACE IN THE MARRAGE ...out of the blue ..this started me looking for at all the weird things she did and said and bingo ...Covert Narcissist to a tee 💯 % She got her space ok not expecting me to foil her plans ..I discarded her ...Thank god ...Free and feeling good now painful and heartbroken 💔 but recovering and enjoying life 😌
@@ToanLe-qw3qc It's been two years next month for me since I was discarded after 27 years of marriage. I remember being a few months out from discard. You're going through the hardest part right now. But an abundant life awaits you. After the pain and confusion are gone there will be peace and you will be living your best life. It is a process and takes time but see that light at the end of the tunnel.
No to the no. Not now and not ever. No do overs, no sequels, no "one more chance". No looking in that rearview mirror. Don't cast your pearls before swine. Walk on. When I think about how hard I've worked in this past year, I get nauseated just thinking about ever going back. God rescued me. He pulled me out and freed me. I'd never disrespect Him by jumping back in that pit. Praise God for FREEDOM. 🙌🏽💯💜
Going back to a narcissist - unbeknownst to us, means ‘forgiveness’ to the narcissist. But not even forgiveness as we think of forgiveness. To a narc, having their past poor choices and behaviour forgiven…is equivalent to: ‘permission granted…to do it again’. And most likely, they will inflict even worse, given another chance. These opportunities are like heroine to a narcissist. It’s a huge ‘win’ in their eyes, to hoover us back in. A pure dopamine rush. They don’t change. They just get better at figuring out how to manipulate us to comply, and eventually their gaslighting and criticism and control and deception are all running the show, once again. Predators to the core.
Whether in or outside of the familial set up, they are indeed very clandestine and predatory. However if it’s an estranged family member it is healthier to forgive them in order that you can move on without them minus any bitterness or vengeful intent poisoning your life ☝️
Paula, I thank God for a voice of informational clarity and a place to visit that reminds me I’m not alone in this journey and I can make choices that provide safety for me and my family. Everyday I grow in awareness of the complexities of these demonized people through your videos. I get to choose priorities for myself with out the drama I lived in for 15 years. Enough is enough. I’m overdone. There’s nothing left. Tank is empty. Now it’s self care, no contact boundaries, it’s priorities; God first, me second ( put on your O2 mask before assisting others) then my family and everyone else. I forgive her. ( for mine and Jesus sake)); I afford her grace if possible and I love her ( because Christ said love your enemies), but that doesn’t have to happen in proximity. I’m in Florida, she’s in Arizona. I’m discarded for the 5th and last time. Day 27. Broken Chains. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty , I’m free at last.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He didn't make a mistake by leaving me, I made the mistake by engaging in the first place. Thank you Paula, NO CONTACT is the only way, if you can. Good luck everyone....
Good question but I'm that person. I dont understand it myself. She didn't care about me and has gone with someone else but I can't stop thinking of her even though she was horrible to me.
....because all this twin flame propaganda going around. I got sucked into it until I finally realized that my so called "divine masculine is a narcissist. I understand everything that happened now. Be very careful about this matter empaths
Narcissist's are Incapable of real love. Soooo a "do over" is an attempt to finish you off, bottom line,wash,rinse,spin cycle, repeat. They do not change, all your Love cannot "cure" them. Black Holes that cannot be filled. I am sharing experience Lovies, over many years. He's passed away in 2016 of bone cancer.!!! Rotten to the bone, for real. I feel sad for the damage to the children we had together. I just wish I had knowledge of this "Narc disorder beforehand. I'm now a Wounded Healer,sharing My Experience, Strength and Hope to one's in various stages of relationships with nARCISSIST'S. Real LOVE & Healings to YOU❣️🕊❣️ THANK YOU ESPECIALLY PAULA.
There's many kinds of narcissists in the spectrum. If someone has broken that "trauma" bond, and learn how to live with them in a "Joyfully Unattached" way, healed and put up boundaries....it's actually easy to live with them. I'm not speaking of the heaviest narcissist ones, but the ones that have slighter traits.
Wonderful video! It's excruciatingly painful, heartbreaking and like a descent into the darkest pit, and this is because they became the center of your universe, your greatest love, your future--you loved them like none other so the pain after a brutal and cruel discard is crushingly devastating. It's like a death--when you realize it was all fake on their part, that they never loved you or valued you, that you were interchangeable, replaceable and disposable. 😢
Paula, great video, as always. It's always important to remember that if a narcissist is contacting you, it's because there's something they want. They're not considering you at all. Don't give your energy to these people.
It's amazing how many people do this. Not just in intimate relationships. I think you learn to identify it easier. Traits in others that are so self absorbed. I saw this in many after the discard knowing you're in a very bad place but popping up to drain you because that's what they do. I think it makes you evaluate your relationships in general . People show you who they are in times of crisis
@@Lulu-bt6cj Yes. I absolutely agree with you. I evaluated my long term friendships and I found (with a few people) exactly what you have stated in your comment. It doesn't have to be an intimate relationship. People will pop up to "take" from you in their time of need. They don't really think of you and your needs. Best to say "no thank you" when this happens.
@@transitionsnc no seems hard for some to understand! No no no seems to be my daily mantra. I do not consent to be involved in anyone's manipulation. I read a book called wolf in sheep's clothing sometime ago not realising the full gravity. I think I bought it when I had a horrible boss. But it explained the traits then but I didn't absorb it fully . Now I know more.
@@Lulu-bt6cj I'm going to check out the book that you mentioned because I feel like that happens a lot...like people approach you innocuously but they have an agenda you're not privy to and as a trusting person you don't expect them to have an agenda. And yeah...I totally agree with you. There are a contingent of people who don't understand 'no". Best to avoid those people. You seem like a wise person who learned through experience.
Seriously... I wonder if deliverance would set the narc free? They'd have to be a believer, and is it even possible for them to recognize they need deliverance?
@@lifetimeactor6789 I know one that heavily claims to be a believer. That's what confused me for so long. I couldnt understand. Its after years of seeing no fruit at all, followed by cruelty, that I realized this person was of the enemy. It's unbelievable that satanic person could go to church (prosperity peaching church that is), participate in church activities, read the Bible yet have no fruit at all. Nada. Didnt know it was possible until I saw it for myself. I guess the pharisees were like that. They were told that they were going to die in their sins, and they did.
True. And sometimes these demons attach themselves to whole families who are vulnerable due to their weak bonds and dysfunctional dynamics. My ex narc was an evil, selfish, morally impaired and unstable guy....but I learned that his old man was 1000 X worse....he turned out to be a child molester/rapist. He went to prison for it. A narcs family seems to be cursed like that. Dark energies for sure.
I am in therapy and this is my biggest fear. That I will be weak. I am not even going to entertain a phone call or whatever. I have written down all of the negative incidents I can remember. He/she doesn't really want to come back--they want to see if they still have power. I believe it is spiritual as well because the energy doesn't make sense.
He repeatedly said 'I do not wake up in the morning and think how can I hurt you today' and would follow up with 'it is something that is beyond my control'! It became a regular mantra throughout the 15 year relationship. At times I would feel sorry for him. However, just another part of the manipulation and control. Then, after maybe a couple of days of being ignored and constantly put down, the hoovering would begin again. Just one of the many repeated patterns of behaviour. I must thankyou for your support. You are very much my 'healing process'.
Before i knew what narcissism was. I fell for it and returned to try and "fix" things. It was the worst 6 months of my life much worse than the 16 years we had been together. I found out about narcissism thanks to my daughter and a concert she wanted to go to. It was called the narcissist tour. Ive had heard the term before but never googled it. It changed my life for the best i started educating myself and finally walked away from her.its been 10 months of recovery. Now im in a much better place with myself.i know its hard. Times will get better for you if you put in the work and keep yourself from falling in their traps. You can change for the better, they will make u think theyve changed for the worst. Learn to love yourself again. Start by treating yourself with small things that you love and enjoy.
I returned too. Ofcourse after awhile I realized it was a mistake.....nothing changed. It was easier to leave the second time. Thank God I survived it twice !!!
Over 22yrs, I went back and back with his promise of change, he never changed, never will. Never again. Done and Dusted…he is just a black soulless entity. His Karma will come, it already is. The only good thing out of this marriage was my 19yr old son, a beautiful, loving, compassionate human who I adore.
Say YES to YOUR LIFE without them. They’re just parasites. Either they’ll find other host, or we’ll meet in their funeral. You gave them enough for this lifetime.
That "Tuesday lunch" scenario is perfect. It's interesting when people reach out to you and say something to the effect of, "How are you doing? I miss you." Then you either speak with them on the phone or get together and it's all about them. They don't really care about you. When they contact you, they feign concern to get back into your life so you will respond. Then they continue using you as supply.
My narc texted me saying he missed me and our kids. I told him he probably missed the kids, but certainly didn't miss me, and he again said he missed ME! I insulted him, but he continued to send me lovey-dovey ❤ emojis and 💋 kisses. Hah! Then I quickly proceeded to remind him why he didn't -couldn't-- miss me: I called him a @#$%(&* narcissist sociopath to whom honesty, integrity, and loyalty were totally alien concepts, a being incapable of feeling remorse, guilt, shame and empathy, someone who couldn't possibly know or understand the meaning of true love. Well, needless to say, he suddenly didn't miss me after all! 😂😂😂😂 I think that he won't try to pull that same stunt again.
These ''do overs'' are very, very dangerous, for this is when they lure you into a maybelieve that they have changed, but... BUT! This turn only enhances their revenge, sadism, their retaliation for you rocking the boat and confronting the parasite. He will lure you back (happened to me 5 times), with such love bombing, promises, but then he would tighten the bolts for a more severe abuse, punishing you for ''disobeying'' this monster. Now, thanks to these life saving videos, I got it - left, divorced, am blocking this evil for a permanent no contact.
I did the do over, but would not move back in needless to say as soon as he knew I was out of his grasp he quickly rejected me. I wished him well and let go, then the games really began, went no contact and of course all is well. He was quite dazed and confused, could not get his head around the fact I didn't fall right back in. His last words were "too much work" music to my ears.
@@christinagior42 Because of all the antics he went through to get me to contact him. I went NO CONTACT and did not take the bait at all. He had never been denied, blocked, was used to woman chasing and chasing, it didn't happen. He could not figure out why? Then he got vengeful so I knew I had won. He had lost control and that was why he was so confused?
I was the one to hoover after the discard. I still had people in my life and was trying to rebuild, but I felt empty. I missed the narcissist and what I thought we had. He did not give me a false apology. If I was the one for him, why did I have to win him back? It felt like a hollow victory. What was missing was true contrition on his part for what he had done to end the relationship. I had won back a cheater and a gaslighter. The discard was worse than the previous one. By the time of the discard, I had no support system left. I was the one to hoover the narcissist again. There was anger in his eyes because I did not believe the gaslighting that there was no affair. After I did much to help him, he discarded me in the worst possible way. He called for a short time after that, but I did not answer. I realized that being alone was better and safer than being with the narcissist.
Most of us fall for the hoovering or reverse hoovering, before all the truths hit home. I think seeing the pattern and knowing the truth helps in leaving for good. It helps you know the problem was them all along and not you.
AND if you take them back they will punish you for making them 'work hard' to get you back. Don't fall for the do over!! I did it several times and about two weeks later it was horrific yet again. This monster I was with went to rehab for alcohol-while in the facility he had access to therapy, medication, doctors, and if wanted a weekly church service. NOTHING even cracked his behavior. He only learned to mimick better(for a couple of weeks) and got to play the 'I've done EVERYTHING i can, I'm really trying' card.
My alcoholic wife has mastered the same techniques. Except she didn't make it to rehab. She stayed in a hotel room Near the clinic for five days, before I found out. That's just one of the things she did to me & everyone in her life.
@@paulreints2279 Oh my gosh he also did the hotel hide out and disappearing act so many times. Let's see; he said he was in Utah, Kansas City, west Texas and Louisiana-all lies. In actuality he was either in a flea bag motel room or with new supply. Paula suggests doing a buddy program so, if you want, I'll give you my email. I say this because we apparently both dealt with the alcoholism on top of the narcissism which is impossible to explain unless you've experienced it.
Thank you Paula, for being firm about this. You are truthful, and it's not repetitive, sometimes we need to hear it several times over. They don't change, but we do! 💙💙💙
I spent 45 years of my life trying to make things work. Split up, get back together, but the whole time knowing it is all just wrong. My instincts affire, but for some reason, we fault our own judgment. It wasn't until I got away for good that could see how much I was suppressing, ignoring, rationalizing...........
He never did and never will have my best interests at heart. I have no time for selfish, dishonest, untrustworthy people. Time with them is not well spent, but completely wasted. And, word to the wise, DON’T BOTHER trying to warn new supply about the narc. Just trust me… 🤨
My husband of 25 yrs has moved on with his former divorce client he made extremely rich on alimony from a cheating husband. I wanted to warn her that she's in bed with a compulsive cheat. Bad idea eh?
I wish that I had known I was dealing with a narcissist before the hoover. What you described is EXACTLY what happened. “I should have married you. I want a life with you. I’m in therapy.” Blah, blah. I fell for it. Then, one month into the return, I noted the devaluing yet stuck with the situation. By month 6, he was on to new supply and it was over. I felt like broken glass. Fortunately though, in seeking my healing, I found channels like this that have helped me realize what was going on and what was dealing with. Knowledge indeed is power. I am reclaiming my life and feel stronger daily. It’s been almost 8 months of No Contact. There have been 2 outreaches, one of which I responded to curtly and the other one I ignored. I resolved to ignore any other hoovers that may come my way. He can forget he ever knew me. While I still have feelings, I know that it was all a farce. The person I loved does not exist. Thank you for your videos and making us aware of these forces so we can guard our hearts and minds accordingly.
I accepted a Hoover when the pandemic started after about seventeen years. I picked up the phone and I knew, I knew it was a mistake. It was her parents, my parents are now gone. Mind you, I’m not interested in women and she knows what I’m about. It’s true about devaluing and the verbal abuse and screaming rage fits started and she would call constantly. I put down a no call boundary with her and she replied with “what if I had an emergency?” I said I’m 1k miles away and in a later conversation she said expletive your time cut off. This woman is divorced from a very educated and successful man and wasn’t a good match. I met the ex-husband a few times and he was socially awkward but they never acted as though they were a couple in love. This woman is now with a new man with a checkered past. She’s had sketchy job history and comes across with a chip on her shoulder and the perpetual “victim”. I was always wary about her as I feel she was buttering me up as her next crash pad. You’re right Paula as I’m learning about this affliction and am angry with myself with being such a nice guy and feeling so stupid and trusting of many Of these mean, ugly, devious miscreants. Btw, you have a very calming, nice demeanor and appreciate your delivery. You deliver and educate on this topic. ❤️☘️🇮🇪🇺🇸! Abu!
I’ve been through 2 years of back and forth with the x Narc. Back then I didn’t know about NPD. He would tempt me with great business opportunities and got me hooked back in a few times. This was before I found out about these demonized empty vessels
It will be interesting how this next 5-10 yrs plays out, the more people become aware of these child-adults. I can just imagine the scenes once A.I beings are sent from the factory. A narc mirroring an A.I human and the A.I mirroring back. A match made in heaven two artificial beings at constant loggerheads.
Thanks Paula, as always spot on. Stay on the path to recovery, don't go off the path to wrestle with the pig, you'll get filthy, the pig will win, and the pig likes it.
Happened to me .. I didn’t know enough . He ghosted me because I was holding him accountable and was calling him out on his bullshit . I know so much more now .
Just bad, hollow eyed people, mirroring you in the love bombing phase, making as if you've met your twinsoul. But further on the road, their nasty completely egocentric character appears, and you'll quickly start to notice that normal conversations are impossible..
I SAID THAT!!! I compare it to a kid playing at the park. He always return to his mom to grab a juice box, snack, or kisses for boo-boos…& they’re off to play. Mom is out of sight & out of mind.
Not a cat on hells chance. I'd rather rub my cats pooh in my eyeball than ever go back to that mess that thinks it's human. Na ah, lol he can rot away. To go back that abuse and pain, I'm happy on my own with my two kids. The atmosphere is way way way better than before, peace and quiet 😌. When you mention the parents, that's exactly where he still is, waiting for me to invite him round. He will never walk down my path again, he was warned and to boot he's a scaredy cat lol.
Great video, you mentioned that narcissists do not have object constancy. My soon-to-be EX, has said the phrase out of sight out of mind numerous times in this marriage. He actually just said it yesterday about one of his sons. He was referring to the fact that he's out of his son's site, but it dawned on me yesterday he says this phrase a lot and the reason why, because like you said there's no object constancy this makes complete sense. This is why they can go in their room shut the door and watch pornography or cheat on you as long as they can't see you and in they're tiny little warped brains it's just not really happening.
After I discarded the narcissist, I gave myself the closing I needed. I gave myself the new floor to walk on. Any variation of going off that new floor, by going back, is tad amount to taking that floor that I gave myself and throwing it out. No piece of that new solid floor I walk on, will be surrendered. Any space for the narcissist is my surrender -and any space will not be tolerated by me.
Mine came back after 15 years. I didn't know she had NPD at the time. Her behaviour was so much worse than years before. 6 1/2 months after her return, I threw her out of my home. It's been 10 months since I threw her out. I've not had any contact with her in the 10 months she's been gone. This past weekend I was outside at just before midnight as I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe that she was driving down my street! I stood in the driveway as she slowly drove by. I waited to see if she would circle back and drive by again. She did it again! This time I wasn't whare she could see me. I went outside again and saw her drive up another street just down from my home. She left after that last pass. Now I know that she is stalking me in the middle of the night I'm really creeped out by it. Never let them back in your life. Never! I won't ever make that mistake again.
Yes... exactly the covert narcissist I interacted with stated I felt like home to him.. he feigned depression.. So I felt sorry for him.. I am an empath and can love.. then I started seeing him for what he really is.. it's all about him & his moods.. I never mattered.. little to nothing about me really matters.. he told me I was the love of his life.. after seven years of pursuing me.. then when he got me - it was the roller coaster from hell..
My ex told me id saved her, she'd had so many failed relationships, none of them her fault, they'd all abused her, she wished I was her daughters father. Forward 1 year affection and intimacy stop, further 12 more years of cruelty and manipulation then discard, I'm a wreck struggling to get thru each day. These people are evil.
Ever been bitten by a snake?....twice...same snake? I haven't even finished watching and the compunction to reply is overwhelming. Such a great message...and so accuratley described my only hoover experience. I did my homework and set boundaries. Within 1 hour...I was being devalued again. I said goodbye to the dogs and cats....and I never looked back! I have true joy in my life now and a new partner. Its heartbreaking at the time but hearts can be healed and minds get stronger and wiser. Good luck everyone that resonates with this. ❤
OMG! I was hoovered and discarded so many times after he kicked me out. Every other day, I was doing something wrong....It was never enough. Unfortunately, for the NARC, he missed out on true love. I realize now that he just loved that someone loved him. I feel bad for the new supply, but hopefully she is strong and figures him out!
From having 13 years with, the one I married, has a cycle of 16 months before the silent treatment, lips pooched out (Lisa Simpson lips), in love with their phone, depressed, no compassion, no affection. Just a few things to look out for.
I think its important to pay attention to what other people say when they meet you and find out you are dating the narcissist. There were lots of odd comments that had no significance initially but when I look back people tried to tell me right up front and I completely ignored them, so mesmerizing was my love bomber. Many, many well meaning people, friends of his, were just shaking their heads that I would have anything to do with him. I quipped at one point "if his lips are moving he is lying" and everyone laughed, those words certainly came back to haunt me and were 100% right.
I want to thank you for sharing your information. When I finally realized what was going on in this relationship this became my saving grace! After the initial videos there was an answer to what I was observing. It just kept unfolding with truth from you! This has been scary but God surely blessed me. I was on the verge of thinking it would not matter if I was dead! I had felt that way for the past to years even while being treated for depression and anxiety. Also, I worked on the psych. field and never knew about covert narcissist. I have had 4 failed marriages even though I have been sober for 28 years. Thank you, ❤️
Definitely a good topic paula ..the old narc popped up in my email saying Hi !!! an we all know what thats about ..the old hoover tactic ..IM SO GLAD iv been educated about narrsissestic disorder ..ty all so much 💜💜💜
Did your narc try contacting you again ? I’m in no contact for last month I broke up with her (lesbian relationship) it’s been hard , I just keeping watching all these videos , they help tremendously
Thank you for these videos. I was with my husband for 36 years, married 34. I didn't know he was a narcissist until after I left when I started watching video's like this. We did a do-over 6 months prior to my departure. Of course things deterated very quickly and I went back to my leaving plan. I left him over 3 years ago and divorced 18 months ago. He has been asking questions about me lately and accidentally called my elderly mother yesterday. I have heard that his supply is gone and I feel his is going to attempt contacting me soon. I am finally healed and will never go back. I hope your videos will educate other women from stayed as long as I did. Thank you 😊
Thank you! Had I heard this from you before, I wouldn’t have allowed her back in to destroy me a second time. 💯 Exactly how it’s explained, is what happened! 😢 I’m living large now! 💪🏼🙏
All very true and once the penny drops and you see them for what they are you won't waste anymore time. They don't change no matter how much you wish they would. Personally I returned several times and each time it got worse not better. In a way you let yourself down unknowingly by accepting their unacceptable behaviour. Get out, stay out and block their comms. Concentrate on yourself and get back to enjoying your kids, your family and your friends. Put yourself first and in time let yourself move on with you life. Good luck.
He would never ask for a do over. He blamed me for everything.. He can do a do over with someone else although I would never wish that on anyone 😖 Thanks Paula 💕☀️🌸
My ex accused me of being the abuser so I know she won't be trying to come back, she'll just click her fingers and get somebody new. Supply is too easy for beautiful people.
@@christinagior42 I'm trying, its hard I've not heard from her in 7 months but see her from time to time which doesn't help. I hope you're doing better than I am.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns I understand how you feel.. seeing her probably makes it 100 times more difficult. Today was a difficult day for me, but I know I must continue not to give in to someone who just abused me in almost every way. Is there no way you can avoid seeing her?
@@christinagior42 thanks for replying, I do all I can to not see her, its a small town, I cant afford to move, I dont shop in the town anymore to avoid her but from time to time we'll drive past each other. It then starts me thinking I need to see her again and I'm knocked backwards. Even though like you she was abusive to me also, physically and emotionally/mentally. I hope your day gets better for you, I'm really grateful for you comment.
He never loved me. He hates me. He loved the money and gifts. I was being pulled back with empty promises. Lies, lies. I have felt lonely and let down so many times. And then I studied about what he is. Every day, I listened to the comments, watched the videos. Then I left. I rested I became stronger.
I would never take "the narc" back, as the experience has changed me. Even if someone who looked exactly like him and had the identical personality as him approached me now, I would be unable to fall for the romance, the charm, the suaveness that was such magic to me in the past. I am no longer gullible, naive or even as sincere as I was. In a way it's a shame people do this to one another. You're permanently turned off their techniques. They don't work anymore. Once you've seen the falseness, the fakeness, and even the giddy glee they get from fooling you, you simply can't unsee that style or type of behavior anymore.
Love your videos. There's no way I'd go back. As long as it's been now I'd be devoured. Nobody wants to believe they have an evil mother. Well I've experienced it and I can validate myself. Yes evil!!! And she doesn't even care.
Thank you so so so much for this amazing video that came in at the right time for me…as you know I am well far ahead on the healing path…it s been 9 months now…and since I got the 2 Hoovers I did stay strong…keeping him blocked…not allowing him to play with my mind when he asked to be friends…and doing everything I can to stay invisible …but just today…as my holiday is nearing the end in a week or so… I thought to myself… is it necessary all this? My harsh treatment of blocking and not getting that closure for myself by sitting down with him for coffee or dinner… but my goodness Paula… your words at the beginning of this video and in the middle where you said… “I am sorry to drum this into you…but this person left you for dead… didn’t care about you …thinking only of himself and now wanting a resting base …”back to mama for some soothing milk…before he takes off again…as he has continuously done… Thank you soooooooo much for drumming it in….thank you so much for this amazing strong message.,,, you gave me strength and no way will I fall in that trap… my time is too precious to be wasted…He stole the most precious years of my life and left me to scramble after the broken shattered pieces of life… no way on Earth will I allow this devil back in. Message drummed in solidly Paula. Thank you.🌹🙏🏻
It was the 3 hoovers I accepted to help her for our kids after she discarded me, our kids and pets, to realize something not right and I need to cut all ties to do what’s best for me and my kids. Here is the bottom line: She was with her new supply asking me to runaway with her with our kids. She couldn’t be alone for even a day. I said No, and now due to monetary restraint, she’s moving in with him. If it weren’t for our 8 year old son caught in the middle (crossfire) I’d be completely ok with it. Thank u for your coaching 💙💙🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thanks, I needed that! I've been out for a year, but we have kids, so I'm just happy that there's no war like I was expecting. He's being very kind, friendly and often helpful, but I try not to engage with him too much. I haven't gone through with the divorce, which is what he wants at all costs, so it's keeping him in line. But it's helpful to hear about the little, "innocuous" things like a walk, a cup of coffee, etc. It's nice to keep the peace and be "normal" but I mustn't lose sight of his actual intent.
Some are desperate to believe in the fairy tail although all the evidences and events still enter in denial. Its very important the coaching but still do the shadow work to understand the causes of that. Im in almost 2 years of my healing it was not easy specialy in the beggining. The better is not leave any door open to any contact just start a new life leave all is not good behind as you identify it even people and start reprograming your own mind. I was someone who usted to feel depressed allone now im the person who loves to leave allone and get home and have no on there. I socialize of course i talk with many people in real life but the panic of beeing allone seems to be over. I realized in this healing journey it had all to do with my childwood. Im still realizing and discover many things about my self. Dont come back to the narcissist theres nothing there. Its just repeting the hell again over and over again. Dont come back to something that is demonic. Dont see human qualities in someone who is house of demons. Find your own value because when you see your value you will not want to come back anymore
Met the person on a online dating site. Was in it for four years, was engaged, caught them cheating. Never again doing the online thing. I think there are too many narcissists on there that pretend to be someone they are not. I gave the most in the relationship. The person turned out to be a deadbeat. Never worked. There was no future with this person. They lived in the moment for themselves and never thought about me and appreciated me. No they do not care about you and your life. They jumped to another person online a week after we broke up then broke up with that person and found another person online as supply (7 months). Their step sister, out of the blue two years later, called me telling me they committed suicide with pills. They had two older kids to live for. Tragic ending.
Going through this right now. A year ago, our first separation, I was a wounded mess and bought into it all. This time I see clearly. The hovering will not work but I still have to communicate some. I am a great supply, almost a parental role and was well trained. Thank you for your channel and helping us stay wise and strong!
I took a long vacation to clear my head of him. As soon as I returned home, he started to love bonding. It is like a broken record. However, I kick right in with my survival skills. I am tired of him.
Dear Paula, This is your finest explanation…no holds barred, and succinct. Thank you, what really astonishes me in all this….reading the numbers of hits/ relies/ comments… thousands upon thousands of wrecked souls out here seeking help from wonderful caring intelligent people like you dear Paula. I’m hearing you girl… God bless your work helping sO many… 50,000 odd hits on your video is Mind boggling, and inditement of our society.
Good morning. There is no such thing as a do over with my ex narc! After what I went through, going broke, stomach problems, no eating or sleeping, NO WAY! I would rather jump out a 3 story window. NEVER TAKE BACK A NARC! The 2nd time around is WORSE than the first. I'm nearly 11 years out and I'm finally happy again the way I used to be. They cannot "better" themselves bcse they don't change. If I took him back, I would be LEAVING LAS VEGAS!
When I was in a “heap” during the discard stage and trying to salvage the relationship, she told me (incidentally I didn’t recognise the individual in front of me, No Mask.) “There was no hope, she never comes back.” Even @ that point, she was planting the seeds of destruction for her future Do Over. You can’t be up to them. They are so cunning! I am so fortunate to have found this channel to enable me to be ready, if or when the time comes, just to completely ignore her futile efforts to get her claws into me again. Thank you so much Paula for your excellent no nonsense advice. As my beautiful mother used to say “ You’re Powerful Altogether.”
You have helped me understand what I’ve been feeling when I’m near him, even after everything he did.- dopamine. I thought something was mentally wrong with me ,being mad as hell but then feeling this attraction to him as well. I get it. I will listen to my intuition and keep my boundaries up. Thanks
I needed to hear this today. After 7 months no response, I can’t say no contact because sometimes I still look at his social media, I feel he is going to try and come back. I often think of the advice you gave me. I was doing really well but had a relapse! I am determined not to let him back and this video today was the reminder I needed. Thank you 🙏 ❤️
The narcissists in my life are my 90 year old mother (vulnerable) and 65 year old older brother "Stan" (malignant, bullying). Mom is in a nursing home in our town, and Stan lives several thousand miles away. I have very low, as-needed contact with Stan to keep him and my other siblings advised of Mom's condition. I have more contact with Mom, because I want to make sure she receives adequate care and isn't neglected by the staff. I use what I call my internal 'zero-impact" regimine for every single visit with her: 1. I spend zero moments more in her presence than I wish to be; 2. every negative word out of her mouth has zero meaning or application to me (even if she directs it at me) and I repeat this to myself often while in her presence; 3. I have zero interest in her thoughts, opinions, desires, etc. and simply smile and say "that's nice" while she's speaking; 4. I give zero direct answers to personal questions from her because I understand her questions are little tests to learn, for example, what I'm happy or concerned about so she can appear to have a normal, caring relationship with me in front of others. Alternately, she can use personal information as a weapon to try to hurt me when she's feeling vindictive. This regimine goes against my nature and I have to psych myself up a bit before every visit. Visits are pleasant, cheerful and completely devoid of meaningful human interaction, but I'm able to make sure she's physically safe and well cared for, and keep myself emotionally safe at the same time.
I have to do the same thing with my aging mom. Hang in there ,you’re doing the right thing by making sure she’s being cared for and taking care of. At the end of the day, it saddens me to know my mother has never experienced real close human connection
When you are healed enough to look back and maybe even laugh, there is a movie called,"It's complicated" ironically starring Alec Baldwin. It is one of the very few movies that cover this topic that makes me nod my head and laugh. You have to have healed somewhat to watch it. Take care. Love YOURSELF.
Book Link Below:
Weaponised Love -a.co/d/g4bB4MI
"This person is not your friend." Repeat this over and over to yourself; you can't say it enough.
THESE PEOPLE ARE YOUR ENEMY.
@@treelover1050 They never, ever, change!
100%!!!...Something I heard in another video from The Tea On NPD a couple months ago really hit me in my chest when she said it because it resonated so true..."This person does not love you...This person absolutely hates you!"...That is the sad and unfortunate absolute truth
@@treelover1050 damn it!!! That’s what I was gonna say 🤣🤣
They are actually your predator! not a friend is putting it lightly, right?? 😳😱
A narcissist gets worse as they age... Let them go, and do not look back.
This is true
They lose their mask
They can no longer control their urges
They become monsters.
True living it now trying to get out to long lives to close and too old for it won’t let me go every time I feel I’m in the clear my x my nieghbor ug up in my business . Maki f me sick
Truer words have never been spoken.
Going back with the narcissist would be like “a dog returning to his vomit”
I would prefer vomit, tho'!😅
👏👏👏👏👏
❤️❤️❤️
Lol 😛👍🏼
Well that answers that one ☝️
"This person left you for dead"..... That hit very very hard ... But is so true.
So true
Yes think of how violent they were and there devaluing .and new supply through in your face. No contact works it's the only way. I moved 3 times after I left.
Narcissists all pop up again soon enough. When a genuine good'un withdraws the privilege of their time, company and attention it's an extremely painful experience. We give these people too much credit; they are ALWAYS looking back, ruminating, bleeding out emotionally and haunted by the past.
They know you're unique and will imagine you're upto something more interesting and totally over them, hoping the opposite is true. A narcissistic ex once told me "random sex has no meaning". Good people are unbelievably difficult to replace and of far greater value. So be the one who got away. Stay gone forever and leave them right where they left you.
Beautiful comment. Thank you.
TREAT YOURSELF WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. KNOW YOUR WORTH.
Love this comment
Great words
Love your comment
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".
-Maya Angelou
It's true. Abandon all hope when dealing with nascisistic disorder. These people are your enemy no matter how nice or caring they my seem, it's always a trap.
Nope. For most narcs, therapy is play time or a psychological workout where they exercise their manipulation skills. Most therapists are not trained enough to know that they are getting the “narc work over”. It’s a ruse, don’t believe a WORD of it.
So true I was totally conned he blew up my life and I’m still suffering I’m so scared of him
Don't cast your pearls before swine lest they trample them under their feet and turn again and tear you to pieces. Matthew 7:6
Very true
Often the problem is that we feel alone after the discard, they know this because they have created your loneliness by isolating you from, friends and family. We have to remember we are never alone ,we are loved and held by the universe, by God however you define that, and the loving human contact we all crave can only come by being free of the narcissist. Brilliant video, Paula 🙏
Wow you just describe how I’m feeling. I put so much in the relationship and always put myself 2nd an her 1st. It’s been 2 month an im still feeling empty. I don’t know how long it will take to fully recover but I’m feeling a little better one day at a time. Hopefully I can wake up one day and truly say that she don’t matter an that day will be one of the best day of my life moving forward. 🙏🙏
Well said Mia! They play on your emotional vulnerability and come back by landing on you like a vulture to try to finish you off.
Well said this is exactly what I experienced isolated from all my friends over time one by one and family members too ...my god these toxic beings are so sly so devious and yet they tell us they love us unbelievable I was certainly taken for a ride I never knew there was such a thing as a Narcissist until I got the start of my discard...I WANT SPACE IN THE MARRAGE ...out of the blue ..this started me looking for at all the weird things she did and said and bingo ...Covert Narcissist to a tee 💯 %
She got her space ok not expecting me to foil her plans ..I discarded her ...Thank god ...Free and feeling good now painful and heartbroken 💔 but recovering and enjoying life 😌
@@ToanLe-qw3qc It's been two years next month for me since I was discarded after 27 years of marriage. I remember being a few months out from discard. You're going through the hardest part right now. But an abundant life awaits you. After the pain and confusion are gone there will be peace and you will be living your best life. It is a process and takes time but see that light at the end of the tunnel.
@@OSTARAEB4 yep. They come by to pick whatever meat is left on the bone
No to the no. Not now and not ever. No do overs, no sequels, no "one more chance". No looking in that rearview mirror.
Don't cast your pearls before swine. Walk on.
When I think about how hard I've worked in this past year, I get nauseated just thinking about ever going back.
God rescued me. He pulled me out and freed me. I'd never disrespect Him by jumping back in that pit.
Praise God for FREEDOM. 🙌🏽💯💜
YOU ARE RIGHT. IT WAS A DEEP PIT.
@@treelover1050 Almost inescapable. I wasted years on him. Or he wasted my years, is more like it.
@@JesusIsTheWay.Truth.Life. They love to WASTE your time which is our greatest asset.
Stay N🚫 Contact.
I was also rescued. God literally removed the narcissist from my life. And He has closed a door that the narcissist cannot open. I'm so thankful!
@@tickety-bootoyou1850 I'm rejoicing with you tonight! Thank You Lord Jesus!🌹💗🙌🏼
Going back to a narcissist - unbeknownst to us, means ‘forgiveness’ to the narcissist. But not even forgiveness as we think of forgiveness. To a narc, having their past poor choices and behaviour forgiven…is equivalent to: ‘permission granted…to do it again’. And most likely, they will inflict even worse, given another chance. These opportunities are like heroine to a narcissist. It’s a huge ‘win’ in their eyes, to hoover us back in. A pure dopamine rush. They don’t change. They just get better at figuring out how to manipulate us to comply, and eventually their gaslighting and criticism and control and deception are all running the show, once again. Predators to the core.
Whether in or outside of the familial set up, they are indeed very clandestine and predatory. However if it’s an estranged family member it is healthier to forgive them in order that you can move on without them minus any bitterness or vengeful intent poisoning your life ☝️
Paula, I thank God for a voice of informational clarity and a place to visit that reminds me I’m not alone in this journey and I can make choices that provide safety for me and my family. Everyday I grow in awareness of the complexities of these demonized people through your videos. I get to choose priorities for myself with out the drama I lived in for 15 years. Enough is enough. I’m overdone. There’s nothing left. Tank is empty. Now it’s self care, no contact boundaries, it’s priorities; God first, me second ( put on your O2 mask before assisting others) then my family and everyone else.
I forgive her. ( for mine and Jesus sake)); I afford her grace if possible and I love her ( because Christ said love your enemies), but that doesn’t have to happen in proximity. I’m in Florida, she’s in Arizona. I’m discarded for the 5th and last time. Day 27. Broken Chains. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty , I’m free at last.
@@onelife7247 Sure but no abused person should reconcile with evil people. Make that differentiation please.
So true. Then they will convince you that you did something wrong
Exactly as I have gone through trying to save my marriage.
It was hell.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He didn't make a mistake by leaving me, I made the mistake by engaging in the first place. Thank you Paula, NO CONTACT is the only way, if you can. Good luck everyone....
Bravo 👏 👍👍👍
N🚫 Contact is a superpower.
🎉🎉🎉🎉
Instead of having a sign "No Solicitors"........have a sign:
🚫 "No Supply"🚫
Perfect!!!!👍
😂🤣😂🤣
😂😅😂
😂😂😂
Hell yeas no narcs allowed ❤
Why would you want to return to ANYONE who's Primary Goal is to Destroy you...
Good question but I'm that person. I dont understand it myself. She didn't care about me and has gone with someone else but I can't stop thinking of her even though she was horrible to me.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns THIS CREEP is a SCAMMER!
@@annamariehewitt3173 not sure what you mean.
Exactly!!!!
....because all this twin flame propaganda going around. I got sucked into it until I finally realized that my so called "divine masculine is a narcissist. I understand everything that happened now. Be very careful about this matter empaths
Narcissist's are Incapable of real love. Soooo a "do over" is an attempt to finish you off, bottom line,wash,rinse,spin cycle, repeat. They do not change, all your Love cannot "cure" them. Black Holes that cannot be filled. I am sharing experience Lovies, over many years. He's passed away in 2016 of bone cancer.!!! Rotten to the bone, for real. I feel sad for the damage to the children we had together. I just wish I had knowledge of this "Narc disorder beforehand. I'm now a Wounded Healer,sharing My Experience, Strength and Hope to one's in various stages of relationships with
nARCISSIST'S.
Real LOVE & Healings to YOU❣️🕊❣️
THANK YOU ESPECIALLY PAULA.
Not only No, but Hell No!
😎
If you find yourself saying "I can handle it" RUN!! You cannot "handle it". RUN, RUN, RUN!!
Yep. R U N! ….🏃🏽♀️….🏃🏽♀️….🏃🏽♀️….
Yes. And if you think to yourself you are in control you are only fooling yourself
RUN 🏃♂🏃♂🏃♂🏃♂🏃♂🏃♂
There's many kinds of narcissists in the spectrum. If someone has broken that "trauma" bond, and learn how to live with them in a "Joyfully Unattached" way, healed and put up boundaries....it's actually easy to live with them. I'm not speaking of the heaviest narcissist ones, but the ones that have slighter traits.
Unless you’ve gone supernova.
Wonderful video! It's excruciatingly painful, heartbreaking and like a descent into the darkest pit, and this is because they became the center of your universe, your greatest love, your future--you loved them like none other so the pain after a brutal and cruel discard is crushingly devastating. It's like a death--when you realize it was all fake on their part, that they never loved you or valued you, that you were interchangeable, replaceable and disposable. 😢
Paula, great video, as always. It's always important to remember that if a narcissist is contacting you, it's because there's something they want. They're not considering you at all. Don't give your energy to these people.
THEY ARE COMING TO STEAL FROM YOU OR ABUSE YOU IN SOME OTHER WAY.
It's amazing how many people do this. Not just in intimate relationships. I think you learn to identify it easier. Traits in others that are so self absorbed. I saw this in many after the discard knowing you're in a very bad place but popping up to drain you because that's what they do. I think it makes you evaluate your relationships in general . People show you who they are in times of crisis
@@Lulu-bt6cj Yes. I absolutely agree with you. I evaluated my long term friendships and I found (with a few people) exactly what you have stated in your comment. It doesn't have to be an intimate relationship. People will pop up to "take" from you in their time of need. They don't really think of you and your needs. Best to say "no thank you" when this happens.
@@transitionsnc no seems hard for some to understand! No no no seems to be my daily mantra. I do not consent to be involved in anyone's manipulation. I read a book called wolf in sheep's clothing sometime ago not realising the full gravity. I think I bought it when I had a horrible boss. But it explained the traits then but I didn't absorb it fully . Now I know more.
@@Lulu-bt6cj I'm going to check out the book that you mentioned because I feel like that happens a lot...like people approach you innocuously but they have an agenda you're not privy to and as a trusting person you don't expect them to have an agenda. And yeah...I totally agree with you. There are a contingent of people who don't understand 'no". Best to avoid those people. You seem like a wise person who learned through experience.
SO TRUE.ITS JUST A DEMON THINKING THEY WANT TO COME FINISH THE JOB.AND I REBUKE THAT IN JESUS NAME.THIS HOT POTATO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
Seriously... I wonder if deliverance would set the narc free? They'd have to be a believer, and is it even possible for them to recognize they need deliverance?
@@lifetimeactor6789 I know one that heavily claims to be a believer. That's what confused me for so long. I couldnt understand. Its after years of seeing no fruit at all, followed by cruelty, that I realized this person was of the enemy. It's unbelievable that satanic person could go to church (prosperity peaching church that is), participate in church activities, read the Bible yet have no fruit at all. Nada. Didnt know it was possible until I saw it for myself. I guess the pharisees were like that. They were told that they were going to die in their sins, and they did.
They don't think they're ever wrong so how are they going to ever fully repent?
Nothing worse than a Christian narcissist
I don’t want a ‘do over’, i want a ‘over and done with’!!
🤓🥰
The narcissist hates everybody even themselves
The dark energy or demons that are inherent in these people can be deadly.
Completely agree.
The absolute truth .
They mess with our heads and drive some of us to suicide
literally
True. And sometimes these demons attach themselves to whole families who are vulnerable due to their weak bonds and dysfunctional dynamics. My ex narc was an evil, selfish, morally impaired and unstable guy....but I learned that his old man was 1000 X worse....he turned out to be a child molester/rapist. He went to prison for it.
A narcs family seems to be cursed like that. Dark energies for sure.
They don't change keep moving forward and look after yourself and your needs.
I am in therapy and this is my biggest fear. That I will be weak. I am not even going to entertain a phone call or whatever. I have written down all of the negative incidents I can remember. He/she doesn't really want to come back--they want to see if they still have power. I believe it is spiritual as well because the energy doesn't make sense.
I WROTE A LIST DOWN OF ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS HE DID TO ME. I CALL IT MY SHIT LIST. PROTECT YOURSELF.
Please stay N🚫 Contact 😘
You are doing what is necessary to heal. It is important to stay no contact until you have healed. With healing you will have great power. 💪 💪
Again, you have a more practical tool by implementing N🚫 Contact …. it’s definitely an effective superpower. Blessings 🌸
They are ruled by demons. Specifically the spirit of Jezebel.
He repeatedly said 'I do not wake up in the morning and think how can I hurt you today' and would follow up with 'it is something that is beyond my control'! It became a regular mantra throughout the 15 year relationship. At times I would feel sorry for him. However, just another part of the manipulation and control. Then, after maybe a couple of days of being ignored and constantly put down, the hoovering would begin again. Just one of the many repeated patterns of behaviour. I must thankyou for your support. You are very much my 'healing process'.
Before i knew what narcissism was. I fell for it and returned to try and "fix" things. It was the worst 6 months of my life much worse than the 16 years we had been together. I found out about narcissism thanks to my daughter and a concert she wanted to go to. It was called the narcissist tour. Ive had heard the term before but never googled it. It changed my life for the best i started educating myself and finally walked away from her.its been 10 months of recovery. Now im in a much better place with myself.i know its hard. Times will get better for you if you put in the work and keep yourself from falling in their traps. You can change for the better, they will make u think theyve changed for the worst. Learn to love yourself again. Start by treating yourself with small things that you love and enjoy.
I returned too.
Ofcourse after awhile I realized it was a mistake.....nothing changed.
It was easier to leave the second time.
Thank God I survived it twice !!!
Narcissists don’t want a do over - it’s been 10 years since the discard and I never saw him nor talked with him since then
I pray I will never ever see my narsisist again either. He is the most disqusting man Ive ever met. And Ive had alot of disqusting men in my life.
Over 22yrs, I went back and back with his promise of change, he never changed, never will. Never again. Done and Dusted…he is just a black soulless entity. His Karma will come, it already is. The only good thing out of this marriage was my 19yr old son, a beautiful, loving, compassionate human who I adore.
You shine❤❤❤
Say YES to YOUR LIFE without them. They’re just parasites. Either they’ll find other host, or we’ll meet in their funeral. You gave them enough for this lifetime.
I feel sorry for the replacement, I was strong he could destroy a fragile person 😖
This is a great statement
Parasites is a good word.
Definitely paranoid parasites. Sucking out every bit of energy of the people around them.
That "Tuesday lunch" scenario is perfect. It's interesting when people reach out to you and say something to the effect of, "How are you doing? I miss you." Then you either speak with them on the phone or get together and it's all about them. They don't really care about you. When they contact you, they feign concern to get back into your life so you will respond. Then they continue using you as supply.
My narc texted me saying he missed me and our kids. I told him he probably missed the kids, but certainly didn't miss me, and he again said he missed ME! I insulted him, but he continued to send me lovey-dovey ❤ emojis and 💋 kisses.
Hah! Then I quickly proceeded to remind him why he didn't -couldn't-- miss me: I called him a @#$%(&* narcissist sociopath to whom honesty, integrity, and loyalty were totally alien concepts, a being incapable of feeling remorse, guilt, shame and empathy, someone who couldn't possibly know or understand the meaning of true love.
Well, needless to say, he suddenly didn't miss me after all! 😂😂😂😂
I think that he won't try to pull that same stunt again.
These ''do overs'' are very, very dangerous, for this is when they lure you into a maybelieve that they have changed, but... BUT! This turn only enhances their revenge, sadism, their retaliation for you rocking the boat and confronting the parasite. He will lure you back (happened to me 5 times), with such love bombing, promises, but then he would tighten the bolts for a more severe abuse, punishing you for ''disobeying'' this monster. Now, thanks to these life saving videos, I got it - left, divorced, am blocking this evil for a permanent no contact.
I just thought of what I can do to make him go away. Ask him to do a favor or errand for me. I will never see him again.
Or ask for money. Or ask for reciprocity. Or ask for respect ….
I did the do over, but would not move back in needless to say as soon as he knew I was out of his grasp he quickly rejected me. I wished him well and let go, then the games really began, went no contact and of course all is well. He was quite dazed and confused, could not get his head around the fact I didn't fall right back in. His last words were "too much work" music to my ears.
How do you know he was confused and dazed?
@@christinagior42 Because of all the antics he went through to get me to contact him. I went NO CONTACT and did not take the bait at all. He had never been denied, blocked, was used to woman chasing and chasing, it didn't happen. He could not figure out why? Then he got vengeful so I knew I had won. He had lost control and that was why he was so confused?
@@charmee4045 I’m glad you got out 💕
@@christinagior42 Me too his last long time relationship didn't end as well.
I was the one to hoover after the discard. I still had people in my life and was trying to rebuild, but I felt empty. I missed the narcissist and what I thought we had. He did not give me a false apology. If I was the one for him, why did I have to win him back? It felt like a hollow victory. What was missing was true contrition on his part for what he had done to end the relationship. I had won back a cheater and a gaslighter. The discard was worse than the previous one. By the time of the discard, I had no support system left. I was the one to hoover the narcissist again. There was anger in his eyes because I did not believe the gaslighting that there was no affair. After I did much to help him, he discarded me in the worst possible way. He called for a short time after that, but I did not answer. I realized that being alone was better and safer than being with the narcissist.
Be alone has more VALUE than interacting with these individuals.
Shouldve learnt the first time. They will take your life and not care. NEVER ever go back. Ever !
Most of us fall for the hoovering or reverse hoovering, before all the truths hit home. I think seeing the pattern and knowing the truth helps in leaving for good. It helps you know the problem was them all along and not you.
AND if you take them back they will punish you for making them 'work hard' to get you back. Don't fall for the do over!! I did it several times and about two weeks later it was horrific yet again. This monster I was with went to rehab for alcohol-while in the facility he had access to therapy, medication, doctors, and if wanted a weekly church service. NOTHING even cracked his behavior. He only learned to mimick better(for a couple of weeks) and got to play the 'I've done EVERYTHING i can, I'm really trying' card.
“If you take them back, they will punish you” says it all.
Amen!👏🏾
Sad they alcoholics😢
My alcoholic wife has mastered the same techniques. Except she didn't make it to rehab. She stayed in a hotel room Near the clinic for five days, before I found out. That's just one of the things she did to me & everyone in her life.
@@paulreints2279 Oh my gosh he also did the hotel hide out and disappearing act so many times. Let's see; he said he was in Utah, Kansas City, west Texas and Louisiana-all lies. In actuality he was either in a flea bag motel room or with new supply. Paula suggests doing a buddy program so, if you want, I'll give you my email. I say this because we apparently both dealt with the alcoholism on top of the narcissism which is impossible to explain unless you've experienced it.
When you know you need to get out, it’s a bottomless hopeless pit with these people. This talk is Excellent. Thank you. Peace To All.
Thank you Paula, for being firm about this. You are truthful, and it's not repetitive, sometimes we need to hear it several times over. They don't change, but we do! 💙💙💙
Do You know Paula's full name and her call name on Instagram? I want to contact her but can't find her. Thank you!
I spent 45 years of my life trying to make things work. Split up, get back together, but the whole time knowing it is all just wrong. My instincts affire, but for some reason, we fault our own judgment. It wasn't until I got away for good that could see how much I was suppressing, ignoring, rationalizing...........
He never did and never will have my best interests at heart. I have no time for selfish, dishonest, untrustworthy people. Time with them is not well spent, but completely wasted.
And, word to the wise, DON’T BOTHER trying to warn new supply about the narc. Just trust me… 🤨
They are indeed a WASTE of time in relationships, it’s their legacy.
My husband of 25 yrs has moved on with his former divorce client he made extremely rich on alimony from a cheating husband. I wanted to warn her that she's in bed with a compulsive cheat. Bad idea eh?
Im not healed, its been 3 plus months post discard by my husband of 12 years. Im here for strength
I wish that I had known I was dealing with a narcissist before the hoover. What you described is EXACTLY what happened. “I should have married you. I want a life with you. I’m in therapy.” Blah, blah. I fell for it. Then, one month into the return, I noted the devaluing yet stuck with the situation. By month 6, he was on to new supply and it was over. I felt like broken glass. Fortunately though, in seeking my healing, I found channels like this that have helped me realize what was going on and what was dealing with. Knowledge indeed is power. I am reclaiming my life and feel stronger daily.
It’s been almost 8 months of No Contact. There have been 2 outreaches, one of which I responded to curtly and the other one I ignored. I resolved to ignore any other hoovers that may come my way. He can forget he ever knew me. While I still have feelings, I know that it was all a farce. The person I loved does not exist.
Thank you for your videos and making us aware of these forces so we can guard our hearts and minds accordingly.
BINGO ! SHE said can't we start over? I said; " why start over? "
I accepted a Hoover when the pandemic started after about seventeen years. I picked up the phone and I knew, I knew it was a mistake. It was her parents, my parents are now gone. Mind you, I’m not interested in women and she knows what I’m about. It’s true about devaluing and the verbal abuse and screaming rage fits started and she would call constantly. I put down a no call boundary with her and she replied with “what if I had an emergency?” I said I’m 1k miles away and in a later conversation she said expletive your time cut off. This woman is divorced from a very educated and successful man and wasn’t a good match. I met the ex-husband a few times and he was socially awkward but they never acted as though they were a couple in love. This woman is now with a new man with a checkered past. She’s had sketchy job history and comes across with a chip on her shoulder and the perpetual “victim”. I was always wary about her as I feel she was buttering me up as her next crash pad. You’re right Paula as I’m learning about this affliction and am angry with myself with being such a nice guy and feeling so stupid and trusting of many Of these mean, ugly, devious miscreants. Btw, you have a very calming, nice demeanor and appreciate your delivery. You deliver and educate on this topic. ❤️☘️🇮🇪🇺🇸! Abu!
I’ve been through 2 years of back and forth with the x Narc. Back then I didn’t know about NPD. He would tempt me with great business opportunities and got me hooked back in a few times. This was before I found out about these demonized empty vessels
They just always seem to get away with it ? It’s like why ? It’s so unfair .
You are a jewel 💎. You are doing a tremendous work for hurting people
🙏🌹
It will be interesting how this next 5-10 yrs plays out, the more people become aware of these child-adults. I can just imagine the scenes once A.I beings are sent from the factory. A narc mirroring an A.I human and the A.I mirroring back. A match made in heaven two artificial beings at constant loggerheads.
Thanks Paula, as always spot on. Stay on the path to recovery, don't go off the path to wrestle with the pig, you'll get filthy, the pig will win, and the pig likes it.
Happened to me .. I didn’t know enough . He ghosted me because I was holding him accountable and was calling him out on his bullshit . I know so much more now .
Just bad, hollow eyed people, mirroring you in the love bombing phase, making as if you've met your twinsoul. But further on the road, their nasty completely egocentric character appears, and you'll quickly start to notice that normal conversations are impossible..
Perfectly said 👍👍
THAT'S RIGHT. I NEVER COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THE NARC. EXHAUSTING AND FRUITLESS. WENT NO CONTACT 2.5 YEARS AGO.
Even a simple convo is a WASTE of time. Eww
I SAID THAT!!! I compare it to a kid playing at the park. He always return to his mom to grab a juice box, snack, or kisses for boo-boos…& they’re off to play. Mom is out of sight & out of mind.
Every woman is the male Narcs mom.
Not a cat on hells chance. I'd rather rub my cats pooh in my eyeball than ever go back to that mess that thinks it's human. Na ah, lol he can rot away. To go back that abuse and pain, I'm happy on my own with my two kids. The atmosphere is way way way better than before, peace and quiet 😌. When you mention the parents, that's exactly where he still is, waiting for me to invite him round. He will never walk down my path again, he was warned and to boot he's a scaredy cat lol.
🤣🤣🤣🤣👍
LOL well expressed
Very timely, Paula… 👍🤗 you must be psychic…😉 Keep us all on track!!!
Yes
Great video, you mentioned that narcissists do not have object constancy. My soon-to-be EX, has said the phrase out of sight out of mind numerous times in this marriage. He actually just said it yesterday about one of his sons. He was referring to the fact that he's out of his son's site, but it dawned on me yesterday he says this phrase a lot and the reason why, because like you said there's no object constancy this makes complete sense. This is why they can go in their room shut the door and watch pornography or cheat on you as long as they can't see you and in they're tiny little warped brains it's just not really happening.
After I discarded the narcissist, I gave myself the closing I needed. I gave myself the new floor to walk on. Any variation of going off that new floor, by going back, is tad amount to taking that floor that I gave myself and throwing it out. No piece of that new solid floor I walk on, will be surrendered. Any space for the narcissist is my surrender -and any space will not be tolerated by me.
Yes, I was suicidle too...but by the grace of God I am still here
Mine came back after 15 years. I didn't know she had NPD at the time. Her behaviour was so much worse than years before. 6 1/2 months after her return, I threw her out of my home. It's been 10 months since I threw her out. I've not had any contact with her in the 10 months she's been gone. This past weekend I was outside at just before midnight as I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe that she was driving down my street! I stood in the driveway as she slowly drove by. I waited to see if she would circle back and drive by again. She did it again! This time I wasn't whare she could see me. I went outside again and saw her drive up another street just down from my home. She left after that last pass. Now I know that she is stalking me in the middle of the night I'm really creeped out by it. Never let them back in your life. Never! I won't ever make that mistake again.
Stay safe Brian 🌹
@@NarcCon Thank you. I will. I really hate the thought of having to look over my shoulder constantly but what else can I do?
@brianintexas1108 in usa - we get protection order
Yes... exactly the covert narcissist I interacted with stated I felt like home to him.. he feigned depression.. So I felt sorry for him.. I am an empath and can love.. then I started seeing him for what he really is.. it's all about him & his moods.. I never mattered.. little to nothing about me really matters.. he told me I was the love of his life.. after seven years of pursuing me.. then when he got me - it was the roller coaster from hell..
My ex told me id saved her, she'd had so many failed relationships, none of them her fault, they'd all abused her, she wished I was her daughters father. Forward 1 year affection and intimacy stop, further 12 more years of cruelty and manipulation then discard, I'm a wreck struggling to get thru each day. These people are evil.
Ever been bitten by a snake?....twice...same snake? I haven't even finished watching and the compunction to reply is overwhelming. Such a great message...and so accuratley described my only hoover experience. I did my homework and set boundaries. Within 1 hour...I was being devalued again. I said goodbye to the dogs and cats....and I never looked back!
I have true joy in my life now and a new partner. Its heartbreaking at the time but hearts can be healed and minds get stronger and wiser. Good luck everyone that resonates with this. ❤
OMG! I was hoovered and discarded so many times after he kicked me out. Every other day, I was doing something wrong....It was never enough. Unfortunately, for the NARC, he missed out on true love. I realize now that he just loved that someone loved him. I feel bad for the new supply, but hopefully she is strong and figures him out!
From having 13 years with, the one I married, has a cycle of 16 months before the silent treatment, lips pooched out (Lisa Simpson lips), in love with their phone, depressed, no compassion, no affection. Just a few things to look out for.
Thank you for your aggressive reiteration (15:34)of how that narc did me, he used me ...I need to hear that often...
🙏👍🌹
I think its important to pay attention to what other people say when they meet you and find out you are dating the narcissist. There were lots of odd comments that had no significance initially but when I look back people tried to tell me right up front and I completely ignored them, so mesmerizing was my love bomber. Many, many well meaning people, friends of his, were just shaking their heads that I would have anything to do with him. I quipped at one point "if his lips are moving he is lying" and everyone laughed, those words certainly came back to haunt me and were 100% right.
Fabulous and really clarified the situation..thank you
🙋♀️🙏
I want to thank you for sharing your information. When I finally realized what was going on in this relationship this became my saving grace! After the initial videos there was an answer to what I was observing. It just kept unfolding with truth from you! This has been scary but God surely blessed me. I was on the verge of thinking it would not matter if I was dead! I had felt that way for the past to years even while being treated for depression and anxiety. Also, I worked on the psych. field and never knew about covert narcissist. I have had 4 failed marriages even though I have been sober for 28 years. Thank you, ❤️
Definitely a good topic paula ..the old narc popped up in my email saying Hi !!! an we all know what thats about ..the old hoover tactic ..IM SO GLAD iv been educated about narrsissestic disorder ..ty all so much 💜💜💜
Did your narc try contacting you again ? I’m in no contact for last month I broke up with her (lesbian relationship) it’s been hard , I just keeping watching all these videos , they help tremendously
Thank you for these videos. I was with my husband for 36 years, married 34. I didn't know he was a narcissist until after I left when I started watching video's like this. We did a do-over 6 months prior to my departure. Of course things deterated very quickly and I went back to my leaving plan. I left him over 3 years ago and divorced 18 months ago. He has been asking questions about me lately and accidentally called my elderly mother yesterday. I have heard that his supply is gone and I feel his is going to attempt contacting me soon. I am finally healed and will never go back. I hope your videos will educate other women from stayed as long as I did. Thank you 😊
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I went back four times Stupid Girl ! Never ever again! Thank you for all your knowledge You are Amazing I love your channel ❤️
You are so welcome
Thank you! Had I heard this from you before, I wouldn’t have allowed her back in to destroy me a second time. 💯 Exactly how it’s explained, is what happened! 😢 I’m living large now! 💪🏼🙏
I hear ya, wish I'd known this the past 2 x's. This time, the 3rd time, is the charm.
All very true and once the penny drops and you see them for what they are you won't waste anymore time. They don't change no matter how much you wish they would.
Personally I returned several times and each time it got worse not better. In a way you let yourself down unknowingly by accepting their unacceptable behaviour.
Get out, stay out and block their comms.
Concentrate on yourself and get back to enjoying your kids, your family and your friends.
Put yourself first and in time let yourself move on with you life.
Good luck.
Love this woman ..she is spot on x
He would never ask for a do over. He blamed me for everything.. He can do a do over with someone else although I would never wish that on anyone 😖 Thanks Paula 💕☀️🌸
My ex accused me of being the abuser so I know she won't be trying to come back, she'll just click her fingers and get somebody new. Supply is too easy for beautiful people.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns they do, we should just concentrate on getting over them.
@@christinagior42 I'm trying, its hard I've not heard from her in 7 months but see her from time to time which doesn't help. I hope you're doing better than I am.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns I understand how you feel.. seeing her probably makes it 100 times more difficult. Today was a difficult day for me, but I know I must continue not to give in to someone who just abused me in almost every way. Is there no way you can avoid seeing her?
@@christinagior42 thanks for replying, I do all I can to not see her, its a small town, I cant afford to move, I dont shop in the town anymore to avoid her but from time to time we'll drive past each other. It then starts me thinking I need to see her again and I'm knocked backwards. Even though like you she was abusive to me also, physically and emotionally/mentally. I hope your day gets better for you, I'm really grateful for you comment.
Great advice, so true. Sit back and enjoy their lack of supply. Let them experience discard. F them!
He never loved me. He hates me. He loved the money and gifts. I was being pulled back with empty promises. Lies, lies. I have felt lonely and let down so many times.
And then I studied about what he is. Every day, I listened to the comments, watched the videos.
Then I left. I rested I became stronger.
I would never take "the narc" back, as the experience has changed me. Even if someone who looked exactly like him and had the identical personality as him approached me now, I would be unable to fall for the romance, the charm, the suaveness that was such magic to me in the past. I am no longer gullible, naive or even as sincere as I was. In a way it's a shame people do this to one another. You're permanently turned off their techniques. They don't work anymore. Once you've seen the falseness, the fakeness, and even the giddy glee they get from fooling you, you simply can't unsee that style or type of behavior anymore.
Love your videos. There's no way I'd go back. As long as it's been now I'd be devoured. Nobody wants to believe they have an evil mother. Well I've experienced it and I can validate myself. Yes evil!!! And she doesn't even care.
Absolutely brilliant video 💗🙏💗
H.E,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
🙋♀️🙏🌹
I miss her but realise that I can never,ever have contact with her again ...Great video...
Spot on, thank you for your help. "THEY LEFT YOU FOR DEAD" Woke me up
Yes return to control us...they never leave the triangle ..victim ..persecutor ..rescuer...over and over
I almost fell for it. Almost took mine back after he left me almost 2 years ago. Thankfully he didn’t move back in.
Hi Paula, thanks for your calming, heart warming words. Please put me in contact with fellow buddies in my area 🙏
Leave a request in the latest vid Samantha 🌹
Thank you so so so much for this amazing video that came in at the right time for me…as you know I am well far ahead on the healing path…it s been 9 months now…and since I got the 2 Hoovers I did stay strong…keeping him blocked…not allowing him to play with my mind when he asked to be friends…and doing everything I can to stay invisible …but just today…as my holiday is nearing the end in a week or so… I thought to myself… is it necessary all this? My harsh treatment of blocking and not getting that closure for myself by sitting down with him for coffee or dinner… but my goodness Paula… your words at the beginning of this video and in the middle where you said… “I am sorry to drum this into you…but this person left you for dead… didn’t care about you …thinking only of himself and now wanting a resting base …”back to mama for some soothing milk…before he takes off again…as he has continuously done… Thank you soooooooo much for drumming it in….thank you so much for this amazing strong message.,,, you gave me strength and no way will I fall in that trap… my time is too precious to be wasted…He stole the most precious years of my life and left me to scramble after the broken shattered pieces of life… no way on Earth will I allow this devil back in. Message drummed in solidly Paula. Thank you.🌹🙏🏻
They want to take your most precious asset …. they want to WASTE your time. Stay no contact.
It was the 3 hoovers I accepted to help her for our kids after she discarded me, our kids and pets, to realize something not right and I need to cut all ties to do what’s best for me and my kids. Here is the bottom line:
She was with her new supply asking me to runaway with her with our kids. She couldn’t be alone for even a day. I said No, and now due to monetary restraint, she’s moving in with him.
If it weren’t for our 8 year old son caught in the middle (crossfire) I’d be completely ok with it.
Thank u for your coaching 💙💙🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thanks, I needed that! I've been out for a year, but we have kids, so I'm just happy that there's no war like I was expecting. He's being very kind, friendly and often helpful, but I try not to engage with him too much. I haven't gone through with the divorce, which is what he wants at all costs, so it's keeping him in line. But it's helpful to hear about the little, "innocuous" things like a walk, a cup of coffee, etc. It's nice to keep the peace and be "normal" but I mustn't lose sight of his actual intent.
Some are desperate to believe in the fairy tail although all the evidences and events still enter in denial. Its very important the coaching but still do the shadow work to understand the causes of that. Im in almost 2 years of my healing it was not easy specialy in the beggining. The better is not leave any door open to any contact just start a new life leave all is not good behind as you identify it even people and start reprograming your own mind. I was someone who usted to feel depressed allone now im the person who loves to leave allone and get home and have no on there. I socialize of course i talk with many people in real life but the panic of beeing allone seems to be over. I realized in this healing journey it had all to do with my childwood. Im still realizing and discover many things about my self. Dont come back to the narcissist theres nothing there. Its just repeting the hell again over and over again. Dont come back to something that is demonic. Dont see human qualities in someone who is house of demons. Find your own value because when you see your value you will not want to come back anymore
We have learned to VALUE our time and ourselves. 😻
I'm sure at some point he will want me back and realize what he lost. Too late. I'll be searching for that heart of gold. And I'm growing old.
Met the person on a online dating site. Was in it for four years, was engaged, caught them cheating. Never again doing the online thing. I think there are too many narcissists on there that pretend to be someone they are not. I gave the most in the relationship. The person turned out to be a deadbeat. Never worked. There was no future with this person. They lived in the moment for themselves and never thought about me and appreciated me. No they do not care about you and your life.
They jumped to another person online a week after we broke up then broke up with that person and found another person online as supply (7 months). Their step sister, out of the blue two years later, called me telling me they committed suicide with pills. They had two older kids to live for. Tragic ending.
❤❤❤❤❤stay to me 🎉
Going through this right now. A year ago, our first separation, I was a wounded mess and bought into it all. This time I see clearly. The hovering will not work but I still have to communicate some. I am a great supply, almost a parental role and was well trained. Thank you for your channel and helping us stay wise and strong!
No, anyone the tramples on you is not your friend. Friends don't do that to Friends .
You just make me laugh Paula...."quickly go down the Swanee"...lol
I took a long vacation to clear my head of him.
As soon as I returned home, he started to love bonding.
It is like a broken record.
However, I kick right in with my survival skills. I am tired of him.
Dear Paula, This is your finest explanation…no holds barred, and succinct. Thank you, what really astonishes me in all this….reading the numbers of hits/ relies/ comments… thousands upon thousands of wrecked souls out here seeking help from wonderful caring intelligent people like you dear Paula. I’m hearing you girl… God bless your work helping sO many… 50,000 odd hits on your video is Mind boggling, and inditement of our society.
🙋♀️🌹
Good morning. There is no such thing as a do over with my ex narc! After what I went through, going broke, stomach problems, no eating or sleeping, NO WAY! I would rather jump out a 3 story window. NEVER TAKE BACK A NARC! The 2nd time around is WORSE than the first. I'm nearly 11 years out and I'm finally happy again the way I used to be. They cannot "better" themselves bcse they don't change. If I took him back, I would be LEAVING LAS VEGAS!
When I was in a “heap” during the discard stage and trying to salvage the relationship, she told me (incidentally I didn’t recognise the individual in front of me, No Mask.) “There was no hope, she never comes back.”
Even @ that point, she was planting the seeds of destruction for her future Do Over.
You can’t be up to them. They are so cunning!
I am so fortunate to have found this channel to enable me to be ready, if or when the time comes, just to completely ignore her futile efforts to get her claws into me again. Thank you so much Paula for your excellent no nonsense advice.
As my beautiful mother used to say “ You’re Powerful Altogether.”
Amen
🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯🙌🙌🙌🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
You have helped me understand what I’ve been feeling when I’m near him, even after everything he did.- dopamine. I thought something was mentally wrong with me ,being mad as hell but then feeling this attraction to him as well. I get it. I will listen to my intuition and keep my boundaries up. Thanks
I needed to hear this today. After 7 months no response, I can’t say no contact because sometimes I still look at his social media, I feel he is going to try and come back. I often think of the advice you gave me. I was doing really well but had a relapse! I am determined not to let him back and this video today was the reminder I needed. Thank you 🙏 ❤️
Stay strong, breathe and be so kind to yourself in every way possible x
7 months for me too Michelle, I dont believe my ex will come back, she the most stubborn woman I ever met. I almost wish she would though.
You can love yourself! You can feel all the feelings but protect yourself! Keep going!
The narcissists in my life are my 90 year old mother (vulnerable) and 65 year old older brother "Stan" (malignant, bullying). Mom is in a nursing home in our town, and Stan lives several thousand miles away. I have very low, as-needed contact with Stan to keep him and my other siblings advised of Mom's condition. I have more contact with Mom, because I want to make sure she receives adequate care and isn't neglected by the staff.
I use what I call my internal 'zero-impact" regimine for every single visit with her:
1. I spend zero moments more in her presence than I wish to be;
2. every negative word out of her mouth has zero meaning or application to me (even if she directs it at me) and I repeat this to myself often while in her presence;
3. I have zero interest in her thoughts, opinions, desires, etc. and simply smile and say "that's nice" while she's speaking;
4. I give zero direct answers to personal questions from her because I understand her questions are little tests to learn, for example, what I'm happy or concerned about so she can appear to have a normal, caring relationship with me in front of others. Alternately, she can use personal information as a weapon to try to hurt me when she's feeling vindictive.
This regimine goes against my nature and I have to psych myself up a bit before every visit. Visits are pleasant, cheerful and completely devoid of meaningful human interaction, but I'm able to make sure she's physically safe and well cared for, and keep myself emotionally safe at the same time.
I have to do the same thing with my aging mom. Hang in there ,you’re doing the right thing by making sure she’s being cared for and taking care of. At the end of the day, it saddens me to know my mother has never experienced real close human connection
When you are healed enough to look back and maybe even laugh, there is a movie called,"It's complicated" ironically starring Alec Baldwin. It is one of the very few movies that cover this topic that makes me nod my head and laugh.
You have to have healed somewhat to watch it.
Take care. Love YOURSELF.