Dr. Shefali: 'Children are not here to meet your expectations and fantasies' | The View
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- Опубліковано 28 бер 2023
- The clinical psychologist and "New York Times" bestselling author explains the idea of being a conscious parent and discusses her new book, "The Parenting Map."
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“Children are not here to fix you.”
The most important line said.
i had children to do housework.
@@minigiant8998 Sounds like my mom, I was her personal Cinderella.
Agreed, or to live out your hopes and dreams! They are their own people with their own ideas and desires.
❤❤❤❤@@minigiant8998
I would never dream of having a kid but she's spot on about the shame and isolation kids feel when parents blame them for not being "perfect"
Especially when being compared to another or try to change you into something or someone you're not.
@@lexaneli Yeah exactly. My dad tried so hard to turn me into a little clone of himself but I don't share his same interests or even values.
Tell me about it, I'm middle aged now and my mom still gets on my case about things and belittles me quite often as well, so that lady is right about it creating resentment. Oh yes and comparing is what I've had to listen to all my life.
I'm glad this doctor pointed out that a lot of child-bearing and parenting is driven by selfish desires.
A lot of child-bearing and childfree people are driven by selfish desires.
@@Lerian_V Irrelevant to the point.
@@IMHTP so are asian or jewish parents selfish for pushing their kids to be doctos and lawyers?
@@minigiant8998 are asian and jewish parents the only parents who push their kids to be doctors and lawyers??
@@IMHTP It's still worth noting.
It works in reverse, too. I had to accept that my parents aren't perfect, don't have all the answers, and that I shouldn't take what they say or do personally. I watched them excuse themselves yet be tough on me and when I was younger it perplexed me. As an adult, I see that it's just their egoic way of dealing with who (children) they perceive as knowing less than them.
EVERYONE needs to listen this!
Stop the ego!!! ✊
Excellent Video!! Dr.Shefali hit it on nail. Well said!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Ive been trying to put this message through to my sister and her man after their son wrote a letter expressing his anguish of the pressures to become a successful basketball player. Every child born into this world has a purpose of their own!!!
SHE WAS AMAZING AND RIGHT ON POINT
Great to see Dr Shefali on The View. Thank you Sarah!
She’s spot on but when you grow up in a broken home and a very low income home, it’s extremely easy for the child to grow up in a loving home but with a TON of anxiety. Kids absorb the things you may think they don’t notice. Speaking from experience. I don’t blame my mom but I do blame the many obstacles she had to overcome as a teen that no minor should ever have to experience. That’s why we are close and together we give the middle finger to the rest of the world. 😂
Dr. Shefali is communicating a Fantastic message!
The job of a parent is to raise your child to be a productive well-adjusted independent adult.
Very good interview! I am 50 years old and was raised by controlling, often narcissistic parents. Even now, to get his way, my father will often attempt to gaslight me. I pray this woman's campaign will get more parents to see within themselves and AVOID selfish ways when it comes to dealing with the development of their children.
Oh I can so relate, I get the exact same thing from my mom, and the guilt tripping and the demand for respect that I don't feel I get back, and so on.
Sad that most parents will never understand this due to ego.
This is why adoption is always the best option. The ones already here need love, security, and guidance.
No they need toughness and grit
@@amandayee906 Life will always have toughness and grit no matter what. How is it a replacement for love, security, and guidance?
There has to be a balance between permissiveness and being a controlling parent. Children need structure and guidance when they are young so they feel safe. Ultimately, kids come with an agenda already, and they will find their way in the world. No parent is perfect but as long as the child feels loved and supported, it's what's important.
No what children need is 2 be tough and deal with the realities of life u can’t live in the usa if ur not tough but on the upside the usa equals freedom
I hope Sunny took notes.
Sunny thinks she knows everything. The only partner she could keep was a busy physician with no time to deal with her. 😂😂
She has two great kids late teen and young adult, I’d say she is doing a great job raising them
Oh looky instead of lookn inwards you're really tryn to shame someone else. Be the example u seek. Her household is none of your business!
@@udntknomeXX she opines on other people's business why can't I?
Sunny grew up in the projects……. look where she is now,
and is raising her children in the best way she knows how….what have you accomplished in life? What obstacles have you come over?
Wonderful description, I love it.❤
Yes!!!! Finally Dr. Shefali
This might work on younger children but adolescents are a different level. So I’m not supposed to punish my child if he steals or lies or bullies or drinks or takes the car or shoots up a school
This is great!
This is so on point!!!!!
How would Oprah know she has no kids?
😅 I was thinking the same thing 💯
She has Stedman 💀
@@ESADIQ9865🤣🤣🤣
This generation is moving too fast , cellular phones, social media and the world wide internet! That is too much for their mental state of mindfulness, they hear and see of things that no child should. Children have to take their time to grow just like the seasons.😢so sad for this generation.
So what if this generation is moving 2 fast deal with it
Sarah is amazing where is her own show already?
I like Sara but she always sounds anxious and traumatized and needs to feel more at peace with herself and confident.
excellent insight
That's one thing .. my mother let me do my own reports, my own homework my own everything.. never pushed me to do anything.. she allowed me to roller skate around the neighborhood. One thing she did was pray. If I was late for school I got detention etc.. I was a C student and that was that...
I agree that most parents became parents for selfish reasons, but I disagree with what she says about punishment. Discipline is very important for healthy child development. She goes too far in the "let the child be who they are" direction. I do think parents should be careful not to place unreasonable expectations or try to steer their children to live the life they wished they had, or whatever, but a child that has never received any kind of discipline is a freaking monster. There need to be consequences for bad behavior like running amok in sit-down restaurants or hurting other children or throwing a tantrum when they don't get a toy they want. For a very unruly child, sometimes fear/shame is the only thing that works.
I wish they delved more into this, but I think the doctor was saying she doesn't believe in arbitrary punishment, but supports consequences. If you tell your child to wear a coat, and they're being difficult about it... instead of threats, or bribary... you let them do their thing and later on when they're complaining they are cold, you remind them of their decision not to bring their coat and you make them responsibility for that decision. What's great about this is that it also gives the parent/adult an opportunity to learn as well, because perhaps the opposite happens. Perhaps the kid ends up being fine without the coat and you learn that the kid prefers cooler weather and gets hot easily. This kind of tactic makes it so that you're learning and growing together and it allows the adult to be a more supportive figure, instead of someone trying to mold you into whatever they want.
My experience with children who have more autonomy is that they're not usually the ones running around in the restaurant. Giving kids responsibility, and letting them make decisions is quite effective dicidipline method. I don't know if this is what the doctor meant when she mentioned consequences over punishment, but that's what came to mind as someone who's had similar thoughts as her.
Right don't live through them , but they will change you for the better 😊 have a blessed day ✨💖
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Dr Shefali♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I admire how insightful she is with her message, but I have a concern. The world can be a tough place for children, and I worry that if we don't take responsibility for teaching them right from wrong at home, law enforcement will have to step in. Of course, we should always show our children love and kindness, but we live in a very different world from our parents' generation. We're dealing with issues like mental health, the effects of social media, and a high rate of suicide. I think our approach to parenting needs to reflect the challenges of our generation.
I like the distinction she made between consequences and punishment. Life is the greatest teacher, so letting kids experience consequences is better than lecturing them for an hour or taking away some arbitrary thing that's not even related to the incident. It's ironic how parents will take away or "protect" their kids from the consequences while implementing some punishment that is potentially doing psychological damage and not teaching the kid anything.
and with all that's happening in the world, it's really selfish to have children. imagine letting them live and have a new generation to bear the consequences of what's happening now in society
Why u say that having children is a joy
Sunny needs to hear this...😏
Both are beautiful women!!!!
😅Ive been conscious parenting without even being aware of it.
I’m guilty as well 😟
As people have commented and she mentioned here in her example of natural consequences. Are children in US school ‘punished’ for being late especially the younger ones so not high school? I know where I work we don’t really go into it with children, we check in to see if things are okay but that’s it as the majority of the time it’s not the child’s fault. We are currently trying to inform the parents are the effect on being late does.
I became a parent because I got pregnant.
How would Oprah know🤦🏼♀️
She's got Stedman 😅
So won’t the teacher punish the child for being late? Isn’t it the parent’s responsibility to get them to school on time ?
I would really want to read this book and have a child but then I realize I'm still a child 😅
She is actually talking about the mindset of Indian parents, where she comes from. They treat their children like lottery pieces.
As an Indian, I wholeheartedly agree to what you just wrote. We get treated like racehorses rather than actual humans with dreams and aspirations. I'm thinking about forwarding this video to my mom but I just know she will just dodge the blame and tell me how I've not been perfect as a daughter and say that I'm just way too critical.
Omg I was blown away from Dr. Shefali's beauty! she is so pretty! love her make up and outfit, but I didn't even focus on what she said, now I will have to watch again! lol
God bless all people who chooses to be a parent. I know that I would be a terrible parent. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, where money and things were more important than people. I will not raise another dysfunctional human being.
I agree with a lot of what she says, however, if my child hits my other child they should feel ashamed of hurting them. Actions have consequences, if they are not given a punishment for bad behaviour they will not learn and end up being a non functional member of society. If they have had the acceptable behaviour explained to them, and they choose not to follow that then their is a consequence. Just like when you are an adult.
I realized this in my 30s
Isn’t wild that the 21st century Savior is so gorgeous!
I have to read the book more on punishment/consequences. Because the sequence of events following misbehavior don't always teach the child right from wrong. And teachers are not paid enough to be the focal point in child rearing. She seems to dismiss authoritarian parenting as opposed to authoritative parenting. But in poor communities or communities with fewer resources their just isn't enough time to prepare every child for the world authoritatively. Especially when so many bad influences out of the parent/teachers control are enabling bad behavior and maladaptive schemas.
A lot of Gen X parents have authoritarian parenting - meaning constant monitoring and unhealthy attachments and kids having poor sense of self. This is what messing up Gen Z...too much authority in the name of keeping kids disciplined...at the price of not have a sense of self idenity.
@@MinifigNewsguy I totally agree with the self-identity issue. I'm in therapy and a topic that always comes up is self-identity. And I was raised by authoritarian parents. But we lived in a poor neighborhood that structure, however damaging, did cause me to not lose focus of reaching my goals. I personally don't see anything wrong with her method, I just think it wouldn't work in some households as the sole method. But hey, I don't have kids so I'm willing to digress on all fronts 😂.
Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson 👍🏽
I call bs on parental ego. So her approach is to put negativity on parents.
💯💯💯💯💝💯💯💝💝💝💯💝💝
Hi am 70 and hallways and she is right an point 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👍👍👍
Yep imposing your desires on children . especially your lust, destroys children
“Children are not here to meet your fantasies and expectations”…….please tell this to the creepy teachers!!!
Don’t forget Oprah brought us Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Suze Orman. Just saying.
“Because god!”
NEXT!
Great advice for how to raise selfish narcissists.
BOOO THAT'S RIGHT WING TALKING POINTS!
She just convinced me that people should have way more abortions and stop having children.
I don’t agree with what was said, you leave your kids to do what they want how they want when they want you’ll get nothing and then law-enforcement will tell you you should’ve done a better job as a parent when they get in trouble. I absolutely don’t agree with this.
My expectation is my kid will do what he’s supposed to do, that means getting his schoolwork done not staying on social media constantly attached to his phone games getting good grades, doing his chores and helping when necessary and when necessary around the house. If he doesn’t he’ll be disciplined. Where does it start, and where does it end? I mean this is just a very long discussion, this method does not work for everyone. I’m sorry.
I don’t think what you have said and she has really conflict. You can have both. Children will always needs boundaries and expectations and as she said many reasons children ‘misbehave’ is because they don’t have the personal experience, skill and sense of worth. These have to be taught like anything else. You have to be both reactive and reflective. You can’t be completely unreactive.
For example let’s take doing your chores, you would present them with their choice 1. You do them and x happens or 2 You don’t do them and Y happens. The choice is theirs. If they make the second choice then that has a direct consequence which they were fully aware of. It hopefully instills that’s actions regardless if it is positive of negative has a consequences. Now if a child reacts badly to it. Once cooled then the reflective sides must kick in. To understand that their feelings are valid but not the reactions- what could we do instead.
🙄That’s not what she said at all.
That’s because u don’t teach children about legal limits
I push back on what this woman is saying. Punishment is a means to teach the child. You show them you still love them and care for them and want the best for them in addition to those punishments to keep them from feeling shame and inadequacies. The example of going to school late and the teacher having punishment for the child is not "natural punishment", but rather passing the buck of the human that is doing the punishing. On the other side of this lady's argument, if my kid doesn't see me caring if they're late for school and the teacher is the one punishing them, they don't see that I care about them. They may actually have more respect for the teacher that is punishing them. But, it is a higher likelihood that they will not respect the teacher, lash out at them, and then expect you to continue playing the neutered parent to get them out of the trouble they've gotten themselves into. I say this lady has completely missed the ball on this. If her way works for her and some others, then that's great! But it's not going to work for everyone, and that's ok too. Those parents, like myself, shouldn't feel like they're parenting wrong because we have a different method that works for our house.
So according to what YOU wrote, you are training your child to accept abuse.
Also you “pushing back” is you saying you are incapable of parenting in ways that better benefit your children, which you admitting to feeling ‘triggered’ about your parenting style being wrong and trying to coddle yourself is proof of your inadequacy.
It may for *you* but I’d beg to differ re: your children
So what if they feel shame let them deal with it it makes them tougher and why do u care about the best for the child just let them be happy because it’s their life not urs
She didn't say anything new, she made not much but little sense.
There are millions of UNFIT PARENTS. that's why I object to a woman giving birth to a child, automatically being fit too raise it. I would also like to know EXACTLY what the words MOTHER and FATHER mean? What IS a MOTHER? What IS a FATHER?
Failure builds struggle. Struggle earns strength. Strength earns self value and worth!!!! Bullies create social skills and learning how to stand up!!! Or bow down... Choices.... We all have
The world is not as simple anymore... kids don't intend to be unruly. It's a certain generation of parents that seemed to mess up that seemed to enjoy authority and punish children and enjoy kicking out the kids when they leave for college! because they are in reality emotionally unavailable. Sadly these youngsters are blamed as if they chose to appear to be undisciplined. I feel for them.
I agree with some points but the bullying is a no no because who wants 2 be beaten or put down by others what parents need 2 do is 2 toughen their children up
I became a parent because I couldn't get a abortion.
Why do we keep putting on people that Oprah praises? Didn’t she give us Dr. Phil & Dr Oz? 😉
Dr. Oz and Marianne Williamson.
Oprah doesn't have any children, giving African girls an education in America doesn't count, you got to feel those labor pains. So you could have saved that intro.
The children do need to learn respect. As a parent my job is to raise self sufficient and self confident adults! Nothing is ever given. Only earned have worth and value!
And your kids owe you nothing if you're being a jerk and being emotionally unavailable and only acting as authority and enjoys gaslighting your children for your own gain!
ok just know when you're all alone in the nursing home you'll have lots of time to think about your own behavior towards them.
@@sharonamadi8656 i laugh when they (cringe and fringe masculinity podcasters) lecture women to procreate for the sole purposes like what you mentioned - they literally say "whose going to take care of you when you get old?"
Who in the f think in their right minds they ought to have kids so they can take care of themselves when they get old why are they pushing these obligations down and again why is a certain generation that has not gotten a lot of attention (Gen X) more narcissistic than the Boomers creating horrific outcomes for Generation Z?
I feel for the latter group. No wonder why the smartphones became the parent...no wonder why this generation seeks affirmation no wonder why they have psych issues. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
It’s kinda strange that the audience is 99% black. Not very diverse
I became a parent because I refuse to have an abortion
Kind should be dem self 👍✌🏽✌🏽
‘themselves’
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