1- when you are away from each other your anxiety goes through the roof! 2- the pressure to agree on everything 3- you don’t find time or joy by yourself 4- Anything that deviates from being with you is bad, enmeshed person will be angry and devastated by that 5- You thrive when they are close to you, you love when they are dependent on you. Thank you Kyle for speaking on this topic and sharing your experience.
Oh, I do this at work! Feeling abandoned when coworkers leave the area physically! I even cried to my manager about it this week, that I am the only one here. And she said, no, we are all online monitoring incoming ... but that doesn't pacify my abandonment.
@@cultureal9544 just want to say that needing people in physical space, in a generalized way, is possibly just a very natural social mammal tendency. It's okay to need people. It's how we evolved, we are social mammals. Not to say there isn't something to investigate here for you. Just, I think it's important to keep in mind that the u.s. is unhelpfully individualistic and idealizes the concept of independence to a bizarre degree. Which, imho, is part of causing anxiety at a country wide level in unprecedented numbers. Wishing you well, and I hope my comment isn't disruptive to your process.
For me the prime marker of being in an enmeshed relationship is, are the people in that relationship growing or regressing? If emotional dysregulation is frequent, if personal goals are hindered, if the career isn't advancing, if outside social contacts are limited or faltering, if addictive coping behaviors develop, and most importantly if there is a pervasive feeling of being trapped but the relationship must be maintained above all, then that is a deeply enmeshed relationship. I have experienced all the above in two significant relationships I've had and it is a quiet soul killer because you think you are doing what's right.
Omg I was just scrolling trough the comments mindlessly until I read your comment and it HIT me. I feel acknowledged, understood, and worried at the same time because I'm realising this is exactly what I'm going trough right now with my Second relationship! Please do you want to chat and share experiences? I feel like I lost myself completely and wonder will I get back to normal again..
Lack of boundaries, Trust issues, Erasing my needs, prioritizing them over me- all relevant insights for me and not just with romantic partners. I could feel the anxiety I had when my last Ex went to a party without me. Too many examples of this to remember. Thank you. Glad you only touched on 5. Would have run out of paper and sanity if it was 50!
If being alone gives you high anxiety when your spouse exits somewhere without you, stay away from relationships ! 🤣 I discovered early in life, in my thirties. Unmet needs = NO TRUST, NO RELATIONSHIPS !! 🥴
Going to a party without your partner once in a while is not an issue. What an issue with these types of narcissists is they do it all the time snd then emotionally flirt with the opposite sex and since you are not there to be in their face thwt you are the significant other , they think it is not a solid relationship becusse otherwise you’d be present so he must be fair game and they pursue. Also they have no connection to you so it makes it easier for them and he doesn’t have any problem with this. This is why it causes anxiety.
@@stephanieburgess8217 Party time flirting is not. Ur confused about narcissism disorder & just a plain narcissist? View Dr. Romani, psychiatrist on UA-cam for advice and the differences in various XX narcissists.
My ex tried to enmesh me in our relationship, it got weird real quick as I’m and independent woman and he was clingy, needy and wanty and when I finally called it quits and left he accused me of abandoning him-I had to block him on social media/phone/email because he would bombard me with messages daily-I felt like a hostage and that’s no way to live.
Gurl same they act like literal children when i told him I couldn’t be with him he started blaming me as if it wasn’t our mutual decision to be in a relationship and while we do that we accept the responsibility of outcomes, he pulled off such emotional drama for no reason while i was hurt he was busy manipulatively blaming everything on me, he was an addict anyway we just talked for 1-2 months just talked lol and he has extreme abandonment issues and started with manipulative tactics like passive aggressiveness and holding back communication or not communicating to give me anxiety, thank lord i saw his true colors on the day i said it wouldn’t work out. He had no idea how to address problems or issues in a relationship let alone be assertive he was busy blaming me and avoiding pain. I had to cut him off and my version that let him in. But they dont show their true colors until there’s some problems. There was also crazy idealisation that made be feel like i’ve never had this kind of affection, if you aren’t loved when you were little you would legit be prone to these kind of codependent relationships.
Thank you for sharing your experience Kyle. This was literally my life up until about a year or two ago. I had never had what i now know a healthy version of a relationship. I was enmeshed with everyone that crossed my path until I cracked open and basically broke down in 2018/19 as I couldn't take the constant anxiety and dissatisfaction anymore. I've come to learn that relationships DO need boundaries. I also learnt the importance of redefining what a relationship is to me - which is that we are two individuals choosing to come together and share parts of our lives with one another, while still maintaining our individuality and aloneness. This was a major breakthrough for me as the idea of that only a few years earlier would of shattered and confused me. I am glad that you have learnt from this experience to share with others!
It was interesting hearing someone speak about this topic from a different perspective and I look forward to learning more about this. Shortly before I got married, my soon to be ex-husband told me that his psychologist told him that he and his mother are enmeshed and that she is a narcissist. At the time, I did not understand the terms, but after we married and I moved in, the situation became extremely toxic and I did more in-depth research. He was unwilling to establish any boundaries with his mother and after we got married, they really dropped their masks. I could sense that she was jealous of me and she kept inserting herself into our relationship in a very forceful way. This included making copies of our house keys without permission and letting herself in whenever she pleased. After I spoke to my husband and told him that this was not normal behaviour and that he should talk to her, he said that she had always been this way. He asked her to give the key back but did not address the issue of her making a copy of his key without permission. She reluctantly handed it back and within days, she was strong-arming me to give it back. We hadn’t even been married for two months and she was dropping by almost every day to help out with work in the yard or to bring over food when no one asked her to do this. If she called him and he didn’t answer, she would call me until I picked up and text me or email me. On a few occasions she went so far as to call my parents to find out where we were. And no, there was never an emergency, it was that she just couldn’t stand that her adult son was living his life apart from her. She even did this when we went on vacations abroad or weekend trips to the cottage. She would make it her business to call as early as possible almost as if she wanted to spoil our time away. As time went on, I realised that my husband was making major decisions about our life together (I.e. selling our house) with his mother and then presenting me with the information and if I didn’t agree, I was considered difficult.
Oh my goodness... that is ridiculous. My m.i.l was similar. Their relationship was a bit different. She distanced herself from the family when my f.i.l had a stroke on my husband's 16th birthday. She would party & f*cked around for 2 years, leaving my husband to care for his disabled father. By his 18th bday she had found a new "Beau" & promptly up & left her husband & two teenage kids with nothing but a phone call saying "I've left your dad. We lost the house!" He was 23 when we met. Broken & unhappy. Both of us were. We somehow found something in each other that brought us both to our own center. It lead us to both fix ourselves individually, growing closer to each other in the process. She found us somehow. Hearing how happy he was with another woman, (myself) she came back. She messaged me out of nowhere & demanded I *MAKE HIM CALL HER* . I had never met her, or spoken to her before. It was (also) not an emergency. Ever... not for 5+yrs. I had to get brutally honest with her. Remind her of her actions. The consequences her actions had. She made excuses. She played the blame game, a professional victim.. nothing was/is ever her fault.. It got worse. A lot worse. Coming over randomly when we never gave her our address, never had any form of social media, etc. Demanding we be available when she was. That was the very least of it.. I finally told him he needed to handle it. Or I would.. We are partners. She is his mother.. but she is clinically insane. Blood relation does not equal love. Nor does it entitle people to your time, effort or *true love* . What so many people think of as "love", is actually a feeling of responsibility, of guilt... *THAT IS NOT LOVE* ..... And it is *OKAY* to move past that & let go of those humans. My husband finally did. He chose his *chosen family* before his so called "blood family". We've been together the whole of our 20's, well into our 30's now. Its not perfect, it never is... but we decided long ago we'd never let "so called family", or anyone else for that matter, come between us again. It can be so incredibly fucking difficult.. but it is *so* worth it.
It sounds like you were being triangulated during your marriage. I've just broken up with a fiance over the same issue. I'm relieved it's over. I'm so happy I finally have the freedom to live the way I want to without the third party to be taking advantage of me from behind the curtains.
Kyle you are so articulate. Amazing to see you constantly grow in self-understanding and ability also to teach others. We love to listen to the doctor-professionals, yet including your personal observations adds a valuable new level to MedCircle.
Enmeshment is learned by the way you are raised or your experiences - especially with so many lack of boundary experiences - the roots are in family of origin and you can’t learn what you haven’t seen. Glad you share this. May many people self-reflect and grow
I feel like my ex in my last relationship was really trying to make me enmeshed. I would feel relief whenever he gave me a moment to breathe. I did enjoy his company at first but after awhile I just wanted him to leave me alone, ie he literally wouldn't let me make or get my own coffee, I even told him straight up that I could do it myself but he just wouldn't stop. There were so many things, he just took over and cluttered everything up, overwhelmed me with this over caring chaos and when I attempted to ask him to stop he would act like I was saying something else and answer that instead, as if I was worried for him rather than saying stop doing things for me bc I want to do things myself. I don't know if this even makes sense, if I'm explaining this right. In the flip side, he was more than happy to not work and spend my money and my disabled child's money however he pleased. He would also get some weird validation high from bragging online and irl about "all he did" for my disabled child.
Thank God, he is an ex. He sounds like my coworker. She wanted to do everything for me. She wanted to do it all. These types of relationships are so unhealthy. The stories I can tell. Had to move her desk and end the friendship. She would not let me breathe. It's was like she wanted to be me. It was so scary. The woman is definitely off. There are all types of enmeshed relationships. I realize she was treating me the way she and her husband are with each other. Bizarre and dangerous. Thankfully, I am away from her.
These things need to be taught in high school so young people can recognize before getting head over heels into a destruction relationship and the perpetrator can see themselves for what they are and maybe seek help to learn healthy ways to construct a reciprocal relationship.
This is another word for codependency. Blurred lines in boundaries. When we are children many parents don’t allow or respect our boundaries, so when we enter relationships, intimate ones especially, wreak havoc, bc it stems from necessity and not a healthy level of maturity that relationships are desired but they’re not are our entire existence.
“ The science of stuck“ by Brit Frank, is an excellent new book on the roots of enmeshment and includes very practical steps to a fuller life. Consider having her on your program. Thanks
How do you cope? End the relationship? Put firm boundaries? Meet new people and spend time alone? I just figured something out... Thinking I must be confused (downtalk in my mind?). Trying to unravel things on my own, while waiting for therapy 10 months already..! In the meantime my past warped in my present. Been a loner my whole life, no one to talk to who'd actually listen and give me sound advice and reassurance: "everything will be alright", "don't worry", "how are you" (genuinely). I feel very frustratedsadangryconfused and not so alone. I feel like I'm here for me. That's all that counts. For now. For now I'll press play...
It sounds like attachment trauma and co-dependency. I can definitely relate to some aspects of enmeshment and losing our sense of self. This happens to many couples especially if together for a very long time and can be very dysfunctional without realizing it. I also saw this play out with a friend of mine who was dependent on her husband so much that she lashed out at me when I pointed this out to her and it eventually led to the end of our friendship. Sometimes we’re unwilling to see it and like things the way they are. We often don’t realize that these relationships are unhealthy until we are out of them and on our own healing path.
My “father” was obsessed with me and my dynamic with my parents was enmeshed. I’m afraid of and avoid relationships due to fear of enmeshment. I wrote down the 5 signs, this helps a lot. Thank you!
I see this in my father...I always try to be independent, and he is always trying to talk me into not working, working with him or living with him. I know it might be overcompensating because he was actually pretty bad to me in childhood. Even when I receive him in my house, he seems to have no boundaries. He once invited a friend of his to stay at my home.
oh no it sounds like he want's you to be dependant on him, so as he ages he can guilt trip you into caring for him like a slave. What he does to you, would you do it to your own children, or your close friend's children. Or if you saw your close friend being treated like this by his/her parent and you could see the parent is starting to use them - ie using your home to invite his friends over like it is his house. Yep, nope, your father has NO respect for you. He is just treating you badly, taking you for granted in a more covert, more sly, more deceitful way. Where is his wife to be his slave for him? Just because he is your father does not mean he can make such demands of you - ever! If he truly respects you and truly loves you as a father he would NEVER ask or request these things of you. The fact you still have contact do you have hope that one day he will be the father he never was in childhood? By what he is asking of you he is showing he still has NO intention of being a real father to you. He is looking for a slave to look after him so he doesn't have to do his own laundry or clean his house. As soon as you relent he will probably be the awful person he was to you growing up. People like that do not change. I know from my experience the cruel sadist narc I grew up with then seemed to have changed when she got married, reverted back to what she truly is, a cruel, vile sadist vindictive spiteful thing, within a week of our mother dying. It was our mother that prevented her from carrying out her violence and abuse to me, but as soon as Mum was out of the house she would start. Because she had impunity with our father who would also beat me if I cried from being hurt, or just beat me for the hell of it amongst other things, she would especially do it when our father was home only. Then I learnt to run away outside or barricade myself in my room. Don't trust your father.
I had a friend I was enmeshed with. Our friendship worked well in the beginning. The enmeshment process began in subtle ways. It wasn't until our communication completed ended and I analyzed what occurred that I was able to identify and call it enmeshment. Sometimes I miss this friend even though I know that in the end our friendship wasn't a healthy one. Weird.
Do you see them enmeshing with a string of other people now? I used to have a friend who felt like a good friend, but she was just enmeshing from one person to the next. I'm not sure how it's different from codependency, though. Because she goes where she's needed. Her friends are like projects. Once we're in a better place, she's finished with us.
You can train me anytime Sir (blushes) I know a Daddy Dom when I see one! Excuse me for being blunt and if I am in the wrong deepest apologies. If you want to explore that lifestyle, a certain type of (lil) girl "may" be just what you want and desire. If you find a little that also feircly indepentent, you "may" be able to avoid that emmeshment, something you both will need to stay concious of and agree that not what you want, but the other things.... are NEEDED on both ends. Any submission, dependancy, guidence, love will be given freely and deeply desired. It is a lifestyle not for everyone, and you also need to find the right healthy person who has the same goal in this type of relationship. Comunication is key and boundaries are MANDATORY! 🌹
Thanks for sharing this. I can see some of the behaviors in myself and many of them in my partner. It’s really painful and frustrating to be with someone who is too codependent.
Really interesting to hear your experience with enmeshment. It's so interesting to look back and remember what we were like when we were younger and most of the time, can't believe how we thought and behaved. I think it's good to do that so we can see how we have grown over time. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have this knowledge when we were younger so our lives would be better from that time to now? Thank God we have the ability to learn, grow and change to be the person we want to be...our best selves!
Oh, I do this at work! I am Enmeshed because I like it. Feeling abandoned when coworkers leave the area physically! I even cried to my manager about it this week, that I am the only one here. And she said, no, we are all online monitoring incoming ... but that doesn't pacify my abandonment.
I hope you didn't actually cry. Just here to say I feel very sorry for the sole employee whenever I enter any establishment and there's just one person working. They have to face the public, make sandwiches or whatever, handle all the money, answer the phone and are a huge target for criminals. This should be illegal... but if your workspace is not open to the street and you're not operating any dangerous machinery, may I suggest therapy?
Thank you so much for this Kyle! Thank you! Giving this a name has really helped me to understand what is going on in my marriage so much better! I have a place to start. Having it defined is so important and helps me in terms of my continued struggle to set clear boundaries and defend those boundaries against this sort of enmeshment. I watched your channel a couple years ago and was introduced to Dr Ramani who was a huge help with identifying NPD influences, but it didn't explain quite everything, You coming forward with this video on enmeshment has really filled in a lot of missing pieces. Thank you!!
This was so helpful. Insightful, relatable and informative. Would love to learn more on enmeshment and find right course if therapy, healing work from your videos Seriously, thank you so much for this video. And being so open, honest, courageous to share your personal experience with enmeshment. It made things less shameful to hear, for me!
I really enjoy Kyle. He has such a gentle way of speaking about these painful issues, and when interviewing does a SUPER job!!! I have learned a lot here. Thank you. 😊
I totally agree. Please do more on this. This is a key distinction around all relationships where we find ourselves locked into dynamics that can impact us negatively in major ways. This has really inspired me to do a reconstruction of a lot my boundaries. Thanks Kyle! 🙏🏼
This is why I’m wary of couples who say “he/she completes me”. My mother used to say “I’m your father’s cheering squad”. And her interests? He did not go there with her. Library science, I guess.
I really appreciated hearing about enmeshment outside familial relationships. I understand how my family enmeshment has messed me up relationally, but I don't seem to find much on how! Thank you for sharing your experience and I'd love to see a series on enmeshment in your family AND your non-familial relationships. I get how my parents couldn't raise me to be independent because of their needs, but what are the nuts and bolts of how that plays out in my friendships and romances would be extremely helpful.
I'd recommend the books by Lindsey Gibson on "Recovering from emotionally immature parents." and "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". I found both really helpful for my own family situation and the fallout in adult relationships.
Kyle you got me laughing so hard. I completely understand bc I have an anxious attachment style and a tendency to become iMeshed with my partners. You did a great job of describing it ! 😢💛
I'm going through this with my mam right now. She has epilepsy and an acquired brain injury, which means she needs a lot of my help. I'm anxious when she is, when she's away. I'm neglecting my own emotional and physical needs in favour of hers. It's not right.
Working on this. My family was enmeshed. I see where it started. Baby steps in learning boundaries. Knowing and breaking that cycle has been and is a slow process for me. Trudging along. Thanks for your insights.
I really appreciate you opening your personal experience with us. Thank you. I look forward to hearing you dive into enmeshment further on this channel. 🙏
Thank You so much for that explanation. I used to think what is so wrong with being enmeshed with your child. That is a wonderful thing to have your child as a priority. Why have a child if you wouldn't prioritize them. Your explanation really put enmeshment into perspective where I now understand that it is in a detrimental way and it isn't prioritizing your child at all. it is actually dysfunctional and now looking back at some of the therapists we had I'm rather insulted that they would even suggest that me and my son were.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I definitely have experienced some of these signs. In future relationships I want to steer clear of getting caught up in it.
One crazy relationship my boyfriend went to Italy without me and took a friend to meet his family and I was like ok weird because he said he wanted to marry me…anyway he ended up cheating on me not just in Italy, but at home too, but he didn’t think it meant we weren’t going to get married….weird guy.
Thank you for these thought evoking videos. I would say learn both love languages early. If you are a quality (and quantity to some degree) timer, don't get involved with a traveling salesperson or long-haul trucker. Won't work! Also, immediately look at how much time they need to spend with their family and friends. It has to be a comfortable amount for you. If they need to go out clubbing every other weekend or so with a friend (esp. a single friend) (and this seems especially true as we get older) and sprinkled throughout the interim are several visits to family member events, this probably will present a problem. Whatever you do, don't be penciled into their hectic schedule. And if they can't make a serious change, hit the road.
My experience of this is that there are no boundaries of any kind allowed or assumed - no verbal boundaries, no physical boundaries, no privacy, no other interests, possessions are to be shared, grievances arent permitted, phones cant be locked, house keys need to be swapped, your money should be given to the other person, everything they want should be immediately provided. And any kind of protest or expression of concern is massively blown out of proportion.
hi Kyle, thanks for sharing and its good but i have a suggestion that if you guys can share more real life examples into it ... like the true scenarios in detail , what exactly happened and how you two reacted etc etc. I hope i made it clear if not then i am sorry
For me this pattern started in my family as a kid and then continued (unconsciously) into adulthood. I still do it. I can reason though it pretty well when I try, but it's still my default pattern at 55.
2 year olds have separation anxiety too, at that age its healthy and normal. maybe around that age we got abandoned or left alone too long, and we want naturally to resolve this in relationships now. that old feeling is still there, OK = 7:28, - there we go, exactly my point. never got healed or answered with any resolution inside so the feelings are still there as part of relationships now. its not how it should have been, but some people are messed up or make wrong decisions.
What is happening when one person has feelings like you’re describing and the other one doesn’t, although they are aware of the other’s feelings and feel trapped by those feelings?
Wow! I feel like you blew away the fog hiding some of my own issues I had with my ex-partner. I have sudden clarity. We built that relationship on shaky ground. My next therapy session now has another item on the agenda. Thanks
I had a very enmeshed relationship with my parents and it’s taken me 10+ years to find out who I am outside of that. By going to a bit of an extreme of closing myself off to others. It still casts a shadow over me and there’s still boundary issues but I’ve made a huge amount of progress. Now I find the issue is knowing how to get into a relationship without recreating that. I’ve largely been to scared to try.
What happens in a relationship if one person is used to enmeshment from their family but you have another style? For example when I think of a relationship I think that it's important that he has his thing, I have my thing and we have our things together. I also need my time alone or I start to get snappy and impatient with the person that won't give me it. I don't particularly like it but I can't seem to help it 🤔
Also, 8:50, me and my person both like all the same things: Look up "Still Face Experiment". I.E. there should be close attunement in close relationship. so we expect that as well, as a 1 year old it should be there for us, mom interested and attuned. once you know that's there, you can move on and grow up and accept adults don't feel exactly like that about everything. and thats OK, IF YOU HAD THAT HEALTHY time of your life at the right point as a little kid.
If parents' priority is protecting their offspring once they've hit puberty, that's one thing (not good). Developmentally, though, infants and very young children need to feel safe in order to be free to explore and grow. I'm not sure how the transition is managed in a healthy way, and I also think some of what's acceptable is defined culturally.
You need to grow stronger in order to come out of a relationship legal or illicit. If you could do it all by yourself I think you're out of your depressive phase of life.
When you are an empathetic you become enmeshed and can’t see the forest for the trees You blame everyone else but the guilty party When you are free you have been let out of jail
this sounds very similar to codependency which most people at some point in their lives go through learning experiences identifying and learn more about themselves in the process
Finding out I was enmeshed with my parents & family, and that a lot of my early boyfriends were also enmeshed relationships was a wake up call. My parents were emotionally distant so it makes sense I threw my all into my boyfriends (daddy issues) and felt I'd die if they broke up with me. 😢 My enmeshment with my parents and family is very different in some ways. Learning how to cut those ties, detach but still care is quite the process!! Happy to say I'm married now and I am my own person and he is his own person, no enmeshment! Yay!! There are no boundaries because we love and respect one another ❤
I used to be jealous of coworkers who were enmeshed with their families they would send constant texts and call about silly things and I never felt comfortable picking up the phone to talk to my parents
Thank you Kyle, LOL sounds like I cannot have a partner. I make myself disappear, so weird. Happy New Year 2023! to the MedCircle team, to you and your loved ones.
It looks like caring in the beginning but it's not. No one person can make us happy. We have to have friends, activities, hobbies, that's the red flag when a person is insecure about us participating in other ventures.
i think we get into relationships that subconciously fit the same dynamics we grew up with from our parents/main person. we think we're going to do completely differently but were not.
@@mirabella2154 Codependency isn’t the same thing. It may be a feature of an enmeshed relationship, but enmeshment often means that one person is seeking to be free from it but feels guilt if they act upon that desire. In Codependent relationships, no one wants to leave. The parties feed each others worst qualities out of a need to do so.
@@REDACTED-1 this isn’t true. Codependency often involves an addict and an enabler, one or both of them may want to leave but the codependency is based around the addiction and enabling. It’s different than enmeshed though because the dependency is transactional
and getting all that 'attunement" is how we EXIST in this world. healthy when we're 1 year old and its supposed to be part of our world from loving mom and loving dad. THen we know our world is good and stable and our relationship is going to be there, so we can relax and be ourselves. now you're 25, 30, 40, unconciously trying to get those voids filled if it didn't happen for you or parents weren't attuned or cared. ouch. but we don't know. .
Yes, also called an energy dance _a fierce tango to be precise. Unhealthy, disorientating, sleep state of existence. Looking at it from a spiritual perspective ...one has energetic hooks into another's auric field n then like a vampire suck n drain each other's energy resources. Hope ...even if one of the two partially awakes to the toxicity....and ( tries to) walk away..which is a whole another topic of discussion. When you do look back you are like what the hell did I endure all these years? But do remember you were feeding the dynamic in some way keeping it alive. So take responsibility of your part of the equation n leave it there. Unhook, one claw at a time.
That attraction to doing work and feeding habits that are all about caring for people (or animals!) sound like trauma reenactment! So many people become caretakers and people-pleasers after growing up in environments where that was expected of them or where they did that for survival.
So out of curiosity what is a title fora healthy relationship? Seems like we have titles for unhealthy relationship types but no names for healthy relationship?
I will need to think on boundaries and where one person’s attachment ends and the others begins. I’ve seen daddy issues as unhealthy. Thinking where a couple can attach intimately…
1- when you are away from each other your anxiety goes through the roof!
2- the pressure to agree on everything
3- you don’t find time or joy by yourself
4- Anything that deviates from being with you is bad, enmeshed person will be angry and devastated by that
5- You thrive when they are close to you, you love when they are dependent on you.
Thank you Kyle for speaking on this topic and sharing your experience.
It would take a while for Kyle to go the second mile...as He publically announced beeing unable to love someone LP/\PL
Just 3 isn't true for me
Oh, I do this at work! Feeling abandoned when coworkers leave the area physically! I even cried to my manager about it this week, that I am the only one here. And she said, no, we are all online monitoring incoming ... but that doesn't pacify my abandonment.
@@cultureal9544 just want to say that needing people in physical space, in a generalized way, is possibly just a very natural social mammal tendency. It's okay to need people. It's how we evolved, we are social mammals.
Not to say there isn't something to investigate here for you.
Just, I think it's important to keep in mind that the u.s. is unhelpfully individualistic and idealizes the concept of independence to a bizarre degree. Which, imho, is part of causing anxiety at a country wide level in unprecedented numbers.
Wishing you well, and I hope my comment isn't disruptive to your process.
1. High expectations
2. Limitless boundaries.
3. Low self-esteem when left alone.
4. Total lack of trust.
5. Too possessive; very dependant.
For me the prime marker of being in an enmeshed relationship is, are the people in that relationship growing or regressing? If emotional dysregulation is frequent, if personal goals are hindered, if the career isn't advancing, if outside social contacts are limited or faltering, if addictive coping behaviors develop, and most importantly if there is a pervasive feeling of being trapped but the relationship must be maintained above all, then that is a deeply enmeshed relationship. I have experienced all the above in two significant relationships I've had and it is a quiet soul killer because you think you are doing what's right.
Omg I was just scrolling trough the comments mindlessly until I read your comment and it HIT me. I feel acknowledged, understood, and worried at the same time because I'm realising this is exactly what I'm going trough right now with my Second relationship! Please do you want to chat and share experiences? I feel like I lost myself completely and wonder will I get back to normal again..
Lack of boundaries, Trust issues, Erasing my needs, prioritizing them over me- all relevant insights for me and not just with romantic partners. I could feel the anxiety I had when my last Ex went to a party without me. Too many examples of this to remember. Thank you. Glad you only touched on 5. Would have run out of paper and sanity if it was 50!
If being alone gives you high anxiety when your spouse exits somewhere without you, stay away from relationships ! 🤣
I discovered early in life, in my thirties. Unmet needs = NO TRUST, NO RELATIONSHIPS !! 🥴
Going to a party without your partner once in a while is not an issue. What an issue with these types of narcissists is they do it all the time snd then emotionally flirt with the opposite sex and since you are not there to be in their face thwt you are the significant other , they think it is not a solid relationship becusse otherwise you’d be present so he must be fair game and they pursue. Also they have no connection to you so it makes it easier for them and he doesn’t have any problem with this. This is why it causes anxiety.
@@stephanieburgess8217
Party time flirting is not.
Ur confused about narcissism disorder & just a plain narcissist? View Dr. Romani, psychiatrist on UA-cam for advice and the differences in various XX narcissists.
Boundaries are sooooo necessary in healthy relationships . A lot of co-defendants don’t have this skill. Never to late to learn!
Was co-defendant a typo?
Either way I enjoy the play on words.
I can’t believe it took me over 28 years to understand that I was in a narcissistic relationship
@nickxero2740 how did it look like ? Any pointers in your case ?
My ex tried to enmesh me in our relationship, it got weird real quick as I’m and independent woman and he was clingy, needy and wanty and when I finally called it quits and left he accused me of abandoning him-I had to block him on social media/phone/email because he would bombard me with messages daily-I felt like a hostage and that’s no way to live.
Good instincts and boundaries on your part.
Gurl same they act like literal children when i told him I couldn’t be with him he started blaming me as if it wasn’t our mutual decision to be in a relationship and while we do that we accept the responsibility of outcomes, he pulled off such emotional drama for no reason while i was hurt he was busy manipulatively blaming everything on me, he was an addict anyway we just talked for 1-2 months just talked lol and he has extreme abandonment issues and started with manipulative tactics like passive aggressiveness and holding back communication or not communicating to give me anxiety, thank lord i saw his true colors on the day i said it wouldn’t work out. He had no idea how to address problems or issues in a relationship let alone be assertive he was busy blaming me and avoiding pain. I had to cut him off and my version that let him in. But they dont show their true colors until there’s some problems. There was also crazy idealisation that made be feel like i’ve never had this kind of affection, if you aren’t loved when you were little you would legit be prone to these kind of codependent relationships.
Why were you with him in the first place? How did it get so far?
That dude has his own abandonment issues he needs to handle
Thank you for sharing your experience Kyle. This was literally my life up until about a year or two ago. I had never had what i now know a healthy version of a relationship. I was enmeshed with everyone that crossed my path until I cracked open and basically broke down in 2018/19 as I couldn't take the constant anxiety and dissatisfaction anymore.
I've come to learn that relationships DO need boundaries. I also learnt the importance of redefining what a relationship is to me - which is that we are two individuals choosing to come together and share parts of our lives with one another, while still maintaining our individuality and aloneness. This was a major breakthrough for me as the idea of that only a few years earlier would of shattered and confused me.
I am glad that you have learnt from this experience to share with others!
How did you overcome it? Did you go through therapy or was there things you did on your own?
It was interesting hearing someone speak about this topic from a different perspective and I look forward to learning more about this.
Shortly before I got married, my soon to be ex-husband told me that his psychologist told him that he and his mother are enmeshed and that she is a narcissist. At the time, I did not understand the terms, but after we married and I moved in, the situation became extremely toxic and I did more in-depth research.
He was unwilling to establish any boundaries with his mother and after we got married, they really dropped their masks.
I could sense that she was jealous of me and she kept inserting herself into our relationship in a very forceful way. This included making copies of our house keys without permission and letting herself in whenever she pleased. After I spoke to my husband and told him that this was not normal behaviour and that he should talk to her, he said that she had always been this way. He asked her to give the key back but did not address the issue of her making a copy of his key without permission. She reluctantly handed it back and within days, she was strong-arming me to give it back.
We hadn’t even been married for two months and she was dropping by almost every day to help out with work in the yard or to bring over food when no one asked her to do this.
If she called him and he didn’t answer, she would call me until I picked up and text me or email me. On a few occasions she went so far as to call my parents to find out where we were. And no, there was never an emergency, it was that she just couldn’t stand that her adult son was living his life apart from her. She even did this when we went on vacations abroad or weekend trips to the cottage. She would make it her business to call as early as possible almost as if she wanted to spoil our time away.
As time went on, I realised that my husband was making major decisions about our life together (I.e. selling our house) with his mother and then presenting me with the information and if I didn’t agree, I was considered difficult.
Oh my goodness... that is ridiculous.
My m.i.l was similar. Their relationship was a bit different. She distanced herself from the family when my f.i.l had a stroke on my husband's 16th birthday. She would party & f*cked around for 2 years, leaving my husband to care for his disabled father. By his 18th bday she had found a new "Beau" & promptly up & left her husband & two teenage kids with nothing but a phone call saying "I've left your dad. We lost the house!"
He was 23 when we met. Broken & unhappy. Both of us were. We somehow found something in each other that brought us both to our own center. It lead us to both fix ourselves individually, growing closer to each other in the process.
She found us somehow. Hearing how happy he was with another woman, (myself) she came back. She messaged me out of nowhere & demanded I *MAKE HIM CALL HER* . I had never met her, or spoken to her before. It was (also) not an emergency. Ever... not for 5+yrs.
I had to get brutally honest with her. Remind her of her actions. The consequences her actions had. She made excuses. She played the blame game, a professional victim.. nothing was/is ever her fault..
It got worse. A lot worse. Coming over randomly when we never gave her our address, never had any form of social media, etc. Demanding we be available when she was. That was the very least of it.. I finally told him he needed to handle it. Or I would..
We are partners. She is his mother.. but she is clinically insane. Blood relation does not equal love. Nor does it entitle people to your time, effort or *true love* . What so many people think of as "love", is actually a feeling of responsibility, of guilt... *THAT IS NOT LOVE* ..... And it is *OKAY* to move past that & let go of those humans.
My husband finally did. He chose his *chosen family* before his so called "blood family". We've been together the whole of our 20's, well into our 30's now. Its not perfect, it never is... but we decided long ago we'd never let "so called family", or anyone else for that matter, come between us again. It can be so incredibly fucking difficult.. but it is *so* worth it.
It sounds like you were being triangulated during your marriage. I've just broken up with a fiance over the same issue. I'm relieved it's over. I'm so happy I finally have the freedom to live the way I want to without the third party to be taking advantage of me from behind the curtains.
Knowledge is power. Understanding is wisdom. This is an educational video.
I am SO GLAD that you explained this. Thank you.
Kyle you are so articulate. Amazing to see you constantly grow in self-understanding and ability also to teach others. We love to listen to the doctor-professionals, yet including your personal observations adds a valuable new level to MedCircle.
Enmeshment is learned by the way you are raised or your experiences - especially with so many lack of boundary experiences - the roots are in family of origin and you can’t learn what you haven’t seen. Glad you share this. May many people self-reflect and grow
I feel like my ex in my last relationship was really trying to make me enmeshed. I would feel relief whenever he gave me a moment to breathe. I did enjoy his company at first but after awhile I just wanted him to leave me alone, ie he literally wouldn't let me make or get my own coffee, I even told him straight up that I could do it myself but he just wouldn't stop. There were so many things, he just took over and cluttered everything up, overwhelmed me with this over caring chaos and when I attempted to ask him to stop he would act like I was saying something else and answer that instead, as if I was worried for him rather than saying stop doing things for me bc I want to do things myself. I don't know if this even makes sense, if I'm explaining this right. In the flip side, he was more than happy to not work and spend my money and my disabled child's money however he pleased. He would also get some weird validation high from bragging online and irl about "all he did" for my disabled child.
Thank God, he is an ex. He sounds like my coworker. She wanted to do everything for me. She wanted to do it all. These types of relationships are so unhealthy. The stories I can tell. Had to move her desk and end the friendship. She would not let me breathe. It's was like she wanted to be me. It was so scary. The woman is definitely off. There are all types of enmeshed relationships. I realize she was treating me the way she and her husband are with each other. Bizarre and dangerous. Thankfully, I am away from her.
@@lenebrantley221 "wanted to be me" YES! It was like he was trying to take over my life!
These things need to be taught in high school so young people can recognize before getting head over heels into a destruction relationship and the perpetrator can see themselves for what they are and maybe seek help to learn healthy ways to construct a reciprocal relationship.
This is another word for codependency. Blurred lines in boundaries. When we are children many parents don’t allow or respect our boundaries, so when we enter relationships, intimate ones especially, wreak havoc, bc it stems from necessity and not a healthy level of maturity that relationships are desired but they’re not are our entire existence.
“ The science of stuck“ by Brit Frank, is an excellent new book on the roots of enmeshment and includes very practical steps to a fuller life.
Consider having her on your program. Thanks
How do you cope? End the relationship? Put firm boundaries? Meet new people and spend time alone? I just figured something out... Thinking I must be confused (downtalk in my mind?). Trying to unravel things on my own, while waiting for therapy 10 months already..! In the meantime my past warped in my present. Been a loner my whole life, no one to talk to who'd actually listen and give me sound advice and reassurance: "everything will be alright", "don't worry", "how are you" (genuinely). I feel very frustratedsadangryconfused and not so alone. I feel like I'm here for me. That's all that counts. For now. For now I'll press play...
It sounds like attachment trauma and co-dependency. I can definitely relate to some aspects of enmeshment and losing our sense of self. This happens to many couples especially if together for a very long time and can be very dysfunctional without realizing it. I also saw this play out with a friend of mine who was dependent on her husband so much that she lashed out at me when I pointed this out to her and it eventually led to the end of our friendship. Sometimes we’re unwilling to see it and like things the way they are. We often don’t realize that these relationships are unhealthy until we are out of them and on our own healing path.
I LOVE how honest and funny you are! Very refreshing!
My “father” was obsessed with me and my dynamic with my parents was enmeshed. I’m afraid of and avoid relationships due to fear of enmeshment.
I wrote down the 5 signs, this helps a lot. Thank you!
I see this in my father...I always try to be independent, and he is always trying to talk me into not working, working with him or living with him. I know it might be overcompensating because he was actually pretty bad to me in childhood.
Even when I receive him in my house, he seems to have no boundaries. He once invited a friend of his to stay at my home.
oh no it sounds like he want's you to be dependant on him, so as he ages he can guilt trip you into caring for him like a slave. What he does to you, would you do it to your own children, or your close friend's children. Or if you saw your close friend being treated like this by his/her parent and you could see the parent is starting to use them - ie using your home to invite his friends over like it is his house. Yep, nope, your father has NO respect for you. He is just treating you badly, taking you for granted in a more covert, more sly, more deceitful way. Where is his wife to be his slave for him? Just because he is your father does not mean he can make such demands of you - ever! If he truly respects you and truly loves you as a father he would NEVER ask or request these things of you. The fact you still have contact do you have hope that one day he will be the father he never was in childhood? By what he is asking of you he is showing he still has NO intention of being a real father to you. He is looking for a slave to look after him so he doesn't have to do his own laundry or clean his house. As soon as you relent he will probably be the awful person he was to you growing up. People like that do not change. I know from my experience the cruel sadist narc I grew up with then seemed to have changed when she got married, reverted back to what she truly is, a cruel, vile sadist vindictive spiteful thing, within a week of our mother dying. It was our mother that prevented her from carrying out her violence and abuse to me, but as soon as Mum was out of the house she would start. Because she had impunity with our father who would also beat me if I cried from being hurt, or just beat me for the hell of it amongst other things, she would especially do it when our father was home only. Then I learnt to run away outside or barricade myself in my room. Don't trust your father.
Thank you Kyle for sharing your experiences and insights.
I agree; thank you Kyle. Your sharing and daring to be vulnerable is beautiful and powerful.
I had a friend I was enmeshed with. Our friendship worked well in the beginning. The enmeshment process began in subtle ways. It wasn't until our communication completed ended and I analyzed what occurred that I was able to identify and call it enmeshment. Sometimes I miss this friend even though I know that in the end our friendship wasn't a healthy one. Weird.
Do you see them enmeshing with a string of other people now? I used to have a friend who felt like a good friend, but she was just enmeshing from one person to the next. I'm not sure how it's different from codependency, though. Because she goes where she's needed. Her friends are like projects. Once we're in a better place, she's finished with us.
@@aprilshamel That sounds like counter dependency.
I really enjoy Kyle when you speak. Your personality makes you enjoyable to listen to, no matter what you speak on 😉 psychology is so interesting
You can train me anytime Sir (blushes) I know a Daddy Dom when I see one! Excuse me for being blunt and if I am in the wrong deepest apologies. If you want to explore that lifestyle, a certain type of (lil) girl "may" be just what you want and desire. If you find a little that also feircly indepentent, you "may" be able to avoid that emmeshment, something you both will need to stay concious of and agree that not what you want, but the other things.... are NEEDED on both ends. Any submission, dependancy, guidence, love will be given freely and deeply desired. It is a lifestyle not for everyone, and you also need to find the right healthy person who has the same goal in this type of relationship. Comunication is key and boundaries are MANDATORY! 🌹
Thanks for sharing this. I can see some of the behaviors in myself and many of them in my partner.
It’s really painful and frustrating to be with someone who is too codependent.
Really interesting to hear your experience with enmeshment. It's so interesting to look back and remember what we were like when we were younger and most of the time, can't believe how we thought and behaved. I think it's good to do that so we can see how we have grown over time. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have this knowledge when we were younger so our lives would be better from that time to now? Thank God we have the ability to learn, grow and change to be the person we want to be...our best selves!
yes this sort of thing should be taught in schools under relationship training
Thank you for putting this out there Kyle. ❤️
Oh, I do this at work! I am Enmeshed because I like it. Feeling abandoned when coworkers leave the area physically! I even cried to my manager about it this week, that I am the only one here. And she said, no, we are all online monitoring incoming ... but that doesn't pacify my abandonment.
I hope you didn't actually cry. Just here to say I feel very sorry for the sole employee whenever I enter any establishment and there's just one person working. They have to face the public, make sandwiches or whatever, handle all the money, answer the phone and are a huge target for criminals. This should be illegal... but if your workspace is not open to the street and you're not operating any dangerous machinery, may I suggest therapy?
Thank you so much for this Kyle! Thank you! Giving this a name has really helped me to understand what is going on in my marriage so much better! I have a place to start. Having it defined is so important and helps me in terms of my continued struggle to set clear boundaries and defend those boundaries against this sort of enmeshment.
I watched your channel a couple years ago and was introduced to Dr Ramani who was a huge help with identifying NPD influences, but it didn't explain quite everything, You coming forward with this video on enmeshment has really filled in a lot of missing pieces.
Thank you!!
I found a lot more on this when searching codependency, try searching that also :)
You are not a mental profesional, ok, but my God! how much you and thouse profesional you interview have helped us.
We love you Kyle. Thanks a lot.
This was so helpful. Insightful, relatable and informative.
Would love to learn more on enmeshment and find right course if therapy, healing work from your videos
Seriously, thank you so much for this video. And being so open, honest, courageous to share your personal experience with enmeshment. It made things less shameful to hear, for me!
I really enjoy Kyle. He has such a gentle way of speaking about these painful issues, and when interviewing does a SUPER job!!! I have learned a lot here. Thank you. 😊
I would love classes on this topic 💗
I totally agree. Please do more on this. This is a key distinction around all relationships where we find ourselves locked into dynamics that can impact us negatively in major ways. This has really inspired me to do a reconstruction of a lot my boundaries. Thanks Kyle! 🙏🏼
The best part is the honesty with yourself... "I did this because of that and I was wrong/right". It might have helped you a lot in your recovery
This is why I’m wary of couples who say “he/she completes me”.
My mother used to say “I’m your father’s cheering squad”. And her interests? He did not go there with her. Library science, I guess.
I really appreciated hearing about enmeshment outside familial relationships. I understand how my family enmeshment has messed me up relationally, but I don't seem to find much on how! Thank you for sharing your experience and I'd love to see a series on enmeshment in your family AND your non-familial relationships. I get how my parents couldn't raise me to be independent because of their needs, but what are the nuts and bolts of how that plays out in my friendships and romances would be extremely helpful.
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I'd recommend the books by Lindsey Gibson on "Recovering from emotionally immature parents." and "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". I found both really helpful for my own family situation and the fallout in adult relationships.
This is a very valuable video. I hope I remember to watch it again in future relationships.
Kyle you got me laughing so hard. I completely understand bc I have an anxious attachment style and a tendency to become iMeshed with my partners. You did a great job of describing it ! 😢💛
I do too. I think I need a long time alone to heal this.
I'm going through this with my mam right now. She has epilepsy and an acquired brain injury, which means she needs a lot of my help. I'm anxious when she is, when she's away. I'm neglecting my own emotional and physical needs in favour of hers. It's not right.
Working on this. My family was enmeshed. I see where it started. Baby steps in learning boundaries. Knowing and breaking that cycle has been and is a slow process for me. Trudging along. Thanks for your insights.
INTERESTING FOR SURE. I LOOK FORWARD TO ADDTIONAL VIDEOS ON THIS SUBJECT.
I really appreciate you opening your personal experience with us. Thank you.
I look forward to hearing you dive into enmeshment further on this channel. 🙏
Thank you for sharing this experience. It is helpful to me to understand emeshment.
Thank You so much for that explanation. I used to think what is so wrong with being enmeshed with your child. That is a wonderful thing to have your child as a priority. Why have a child if you wouldn't prioritize them. Your explanation really put enmeshment into perspective where I now understand that it is in a detrimental way and it isn't prioritizing your child at all. it is actually dysfunctional and now looking back at some of the therapists we had I'm rather insulted that they would even suggest that me and my son were.
Lightbulb moment and what is tripping me up. Please do more. Thanks!
Thank you! Looking forward to more on this topic thru the Med Circle Membership.
So on point. Wow thank you Kyle
I would love a video on enmeshment in families!
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I definitely have experienced some of these signs. In future relationships I want to steer clear of getting caught up in it.
One crazy relationship my boyfriend went to Italy without me and took a friend to meet his family and I was like ok weird because he said he wanted to marry me…anyway he ended up cheating on me not just in Italy, but at home too, but he didn’t think it meant we weren’t going to get married….weird guy.
He was enmeshed, I was not. I broke the engagement after 4 months. 'Nuff said.
It sucks. You only feel relief with them, but they are the least safe person to be with.
Thank you for these thought evoking videos. I would say learn both love languages early. If you are a quality (and quantity to some degree) timer, don't get involved with a traveling salesperson or long-haul trucker. Won't work! Also, immediately look at how much time they need to spend with their family and friends. It has to be a comfortable amount for you. If they need to go out clubbing every other weekend or so with a friend (esp. a single friend) (and this seems especially true as we get older) and sprinkled throughout the interim are several visits to family member events, this probably will present a problem. Whatever you do, don't be penciled into their hectic schedule. And if they can't make a serious change, hit the road.
My experience of this is that there are no boundaries of any kind allowed or assumed - no verbal boundaries, no physical boundaries, no privacy, no other interests, possessions are to be shared, grievances arent permitted, phones cant be locked, house keys need to be swapped, your money should be given to the other person, everything they want should be immediately provided. And any kind of protest or expression of concern is massively blown out of proportion.
hi Kyle, thanks for sharing and its good but i have a suggestion that if you guys can share more real life examples into it ... like the true scenarios in detail , what exactly happened and how you two reacted etc etc. I hope i made it clear if not then i am sorry
FIRST!
I'M THE STRONGEST AND FASTEST SUBJECT IN THE UNIVERSE!
I think my ex had this with his family. They did everything together, even go to the beach and on holidays
For me this pattern started in my family as a kid and then continued (unconsciously) into adulthood. I still do it. I can reason though it pretty well when I try, but it's still my default pattern at 55.
I commend you for sharing your experience! After listening to your descriptions I think I’m like this as well?! IDK 🤷🏻♀️
2 year olds have separation anxiety too, at that age its healthy and normal. maybe around that age we got abandoned or left alone too long, and we want naturally to resolve this in relationships now. that old feeling is still there, OK = 7:28, - there we go, exactly my point. never got healed or answered with any resolution inside so the feelings are still there as part of relationships now. its not how it should have been, but some people are messed up or make wrong decisions.
Very clear and eye-opening.
What is happening when one person has feelings like you’re describing and the other one doesn’t, although they are aware of the other’s feelings and feel trapped by those feelings?
Wow! I feel like you blew away the fog hiding some of my own issues I had with my ex-partner. I have sudden clarity. We built that relationship on shaky ground. My next therapy session now has another item on the agenda. Thanks
He explains it so perfectly.
I had a very enmeshed relationship with my parents and it’s taken me 10+ years to find out who I am outside of that. By going to a bit of an extreme of closing myself off to others. It still casts a shadow over me and there’s still boundary issues but I’ve made a huge amount of progress. Now I find the issue is knowing how to get into a relationship without recreating that. I’ve largely been to scared to try.
What happens in a relationship if one person is used to enmeshment from their family but you have another style? For example when I think of a relationship I think that it's important that he has his thing, I have my thing and we have our things together. I also need my time alone or I start to get snappy and impatient with the person that won't give me it. I don't particularly like it but I can't seem to help it 🤔
That's true! Grey's anatomy is a great show 😌
Love your capacity of introspection. Thank you for that!
Also, 8:50, me and my person both like all the same things: Look up "Still Face Experiment". I.E. there should be close attunement in close relationship. so we expect that as well, as a 1 year old it should be there for us, mom interested and attuned. once you know that's there, you can move on and grow up and accept adults don't feel exactly like that about everything. and thats OK, IF YOU HAD THAT HEALTHY time of your life at the right point as a little kid.
If parents' priority is protecting their offspring once they've hit puberty, that's one thing (not good). Developmentally, though, infants and very young children need to feel safe in order to be free to explore and grow. I'm not sure how the transition is managed in a healthy way, and I also think some of what's acceptable is defined culturally.
Very well explained. Thank you!
You need to grow stronger in order to come out of a relationship legal or illicit. If you could do it all by yourself I think you're out of your depressive phase of life.
thank u for the insight Kyle!! :) :)
When you are an empathetic you become enmeshed and can’t see the forest for the trees
You blame everyone else but the guilty party
When you are free you have been let out of jail
this sounds very similar to codependency which most people at some point in their lives go through learning experiences identifying and learn more about themselves in the process
I remember this one time I tried to request a collab with Kyle and now he's doing his own monologues.
My first long time girl friend had a complete meltdown if I did something or even talked about doing something that didn't involve her.
Finding out I was enmeshed with my parents & family, and that a lot of my early boyfriends were also enmeshed relationships was a wake up call. My parents were emotionally distant so it makes sense I threw my all into my boyfriends (daddy issues) and felt I'd die if they broke up with me. 😢 My enmeshment with my parents and family is very different in some ways. Learning how to cut those ties, detach but still care is quite the process!! Happy to say I'm married now and I am my own person and he is his own person, no enmeshment! Yay!! There are no boundaries because we love and respect one another ❤
I used to be jealous of coworkers who were enmeshed with their families they would send constant texts and call about silly things and I never felt comfortable picking up the phone to talk to my parents
What if you have a personality or disposition to naturally be a helper?
Ahhh… a gift and a curse at the same time. I am like that
Thank you Kyle,
LOL sounds like I cannot have a partner. I make myself disappear, so weird.
Happy New Year 2023! to the MedCircle team, to you and your loved ones.
It looks like caring in the beginning but it's not. No one person can make us happy. We have to have friends, activities, hobbies, that's the red flag when a person is insecure about us participating in other ventures.
Absolutely
i think we get into relationships that subconciously fit the same dynamics we grew up with from our parents/main person. we think we're going to do completely differently but were not.
Can a person be enmeshed in multiple relationships? Can a person be enmeshed with an animal, a job, a role, or something other than a person?
This is called "co-dependency".
No it’s an enmeshed relationship co-dependency is something else
@@Jorge-xy8do Nope
@@mirabella2154 Codependency isn’t the same thing. It may be a feature of an enmeshed relationship, but enmeshment often means that one person is seeking to be free from it but feels guilt if they act upon that desire.
In Codependent relationships, no one wants to leave. The parties feed each others worst qualities out of a need to do so.
No, this seems the person who needs the other one is doing so much controlling.
@@REDACTED-1 this isn’t true. Codependency often involves an addict and an enabler, one or both of them may want to leave but the codependency is based around the addiction and enabling. It’s different than enmeshed though because the dependency is transactional
and getting all that 'attunement" is how we EXIST in this world. healthy when we're 1 year old and its supposed to be part of our world from loving mom and loving dad. THen we know our world is good and stable and our relationship is going to be there, so we can relax and be ourselves. now you're 25, 30, 40, unconciously trying to get those voids filled if it didn't happen for you or parents weren't attuned or cared. ouch. but we don't know. .
Love you for this! 😊
Yes, also called an energy dance _a fierce tango to be precise. Unhealthy, disorientating, sleep state of existence.
Looking at it from a spiritual perspective ...one has energetic hooks into another's auric field n then like a vampire suck n drain each other's energy resources.
Hope ...even if one of the two partially awakes to the toxicity....and ( tries to) walk away..which is a whole another topic of discussion.
When you do look back you are like what the hell did I endure all these years? But do remember you were feeding the dynamic in some way keeping it alive. So take responsibility of your part of the equation n leave it there. Unhook, one claw at a time.
That's awesome that you share this👌
Do you still get involved in enmeshed relationships and feel this anxiety ?Or are you drawn to this?
Love this topic!
That attraction to doing work and feeding habits that are all about caring for people (or animals!) sound like trauma reenactment! So many people become caretakers and people-pleasers after growing up in environments where that was expected of them or where they did that for survival.
I’ve done this and be told this and no contacted. I didn’t do this in a relationship. I wasn’t in power.
So out of curiosity what is a title fora healthy relationship? Seems like we have titles for unhealthy relationship types but no names for healthy relationship?
Exactly!!
Partner SO clingy - my being away for 24 hours was COMPLETE abandonment of them.
So thankful for you!
I will need to think on boundaries and where one person’s attachment ends and the others begins. I’ve seen daddy issues as unhealthy. Thinking where a couple can attach intimately…
Hope you are okay now. When is the next video coming up?
Thanks…. This was great. ❤