FR tho. We can have differences of opinion, but if ur "opinion" is that I shouldn't exist & have the same civil rights as u, that's not something we can actually disagree on, bc I'm literally right here. U don't get to believe that I'm subhuman & still get my friendship, respect, or kindness. U don't get to disagree with my life. That's not a disagreement. That's an expression of violence.
@@SmallSpoonBrigadethis is where I’m stuck. I don’t particularly want to talk to them either. But then what? Some people have the capacity for outreach, and some don’t, and both are valid. But outreach is still so important.
even that, though, moves the goalpost from what the conversation is really about. you don’t bring up concerns to tell your mother who she is. you bring them up as feedback on how she is affecting you emotionally.
@@AccordingToWillow I agree, but sometimes it does feel a little satisfying to get a passive jab in by "agreeing" with them. If only it made them self-reflective. 😕 I try to abstain from such responses myself. It's a lot easier when you don't/rarely talk to people who react that way to any perceived judgement or criticism.
I like to remind mine (or did, before that time was ended) that in order for me to classify it as only “bad behavior,” it would have to be something that changed. If it’s not mutable, then yes, that’s an issue of bad morals and frailty.
Or pretty much, you having to placate or tiptoe around every subject because you don't want their ire. I still resent my sister's grandpa because even though I've heard he's changed from relatives. I don't want to feel like I have to nod my head with everything he's saying just because I don't want to get into a hostile argument with him and other family members.
As someone outside the U.S., let me share that the outcome of the election has significantly affected us too. Many of us are really struggling, living in shock and fear, and having to set boundaries too. Politics is definitely affecting our relationships too, and I greatly appreciate this video. In solidarity, 🇨🇦
US politics affects us whether we like it or not. The US republican party funded our "no" vote in our referendum last year, and we are definitely influenced by who is in power in the U.S. I hate to think what will happen in Australia if Peter Dutton is voted as PM. I'm a gay disabled biracial Indigenous Jew, Peter Dutton is a homophobic racist cvnt and he would ruin my life.
Yes! And I'm from the US but I'm also aware that we're not the only place where the far right/fascism/Nazism has seized power or come close to it over the past decade.
Yes I live outside the US too and it is disappointing to see how many people support Trump and/or our conservative party (and the minor parties that are more extreme). What happens in America affects the rest of the world whether we like it or not. We recently had a state nearly pass an abortion ban recently, I never thought I would see that happen as just one example.
All these men saying they can’t believe their girlfriends would dump them over politics?? Like, Sir, we are allowed to break up with you if we find out you are a shitty person 😅
@@SmallSpoonBrigade respectfully, many men aren’t even mature enough to take care of themselves Mentally, emotionally, or physically Just like they lack the maturity to accept that anyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason if the want to
@@SmallSpoonBrigade Well, when you're a 35-year-old man trying to date an 18-year-old, then yeah, she's a "lot less mature" because she's a literal child.
7:46 said this point to my parent and they were like "well I didn't vote for him because I hate trans people, I love you, but I voted for him for other reasons" and I'm like THAT DOESNT MATTER !!!!!!!!!!
No it doesn’t and I’m so sorry as a mom this election result has been terrifying because I’m scared for my kids and their safety my husband and his family are Puerto Rican and idk if they will try to act like it’s not part of the country and that they are legal citizens
Same for my parents and really my entire family. I’ve had discussions with a few since the election and they just don’t fucking get it. I mean, most of my family hate queer people (lesbian here) and think I’m sinning by being with a woman, but I have a cousin who was so supportive. Then I find out she voted for Trump. Like… girl bye.
@@kearstinnekenerson6676 I hadn't even considered the kind of harassment Puerto Ricans are going to get under Trump, despite the fact that they're literally native-born Americans. Oof. I wish you and your family luck!
This is something that some of my extended family is having trouble with. They think they're off the hook if they voted for a rapest felon who views my entire gender as breeding stock, not for his cruelty, but because they think he'll cut their taxes. These are people who witnessed Trump's bigotry and cruelty, but those _aren't deal-breakers._ Like, what _would_ be a deal breaker for these people?!
@@rhymerlegend2717I'm sure someone said something similar in Germany after Hitlers rise to power. Whatever the German equivalent of "Bruh, it's just an election."
@@rhymerlegend2717 You're very lucky that your life can just "go on"! Mine has changed and will continue to change. Lives of friends and family and colleagues are changing. I have undocumented students and other students who have undocumented family members, whose lives are going to be ripped apart. Palestinian lives can't just go on under an administration that has given Israel the go-ahead to turn Gaza into a parking lot. Lives of any Americans living in poverty are going to become so, _so_ much harder when Trump tariffs make prices of basic goods skyrocket. I've got an uncle who's a contractor and he's already panicking over finding people to replace the roofers he usually works with since nearly all qualified roofers in his area are undocumented. So yes, you must live a charmed live if life can just continue as normal for you. Be aware that you're a member of a very privileged minority in this.
What drives me around the bend is people who insist they're not bigots, they just want tax breaks. I ask them how much they anticipate saving. My rights are worth less than whatever number they give me. They are happy to throw me and millions of other people under the bus for a petty cash payout that likely won't even materialize.
This feels a bit worse than bigotry or commitment to beliefs that oppress other people. I'd actually rather talk to the hardcore Christian nationalist who thought they were doing "God's will" than the person who sleepwalked into voting away my civil rights because they wanted low taxes and cheap groceries. To them I'd say "Like seriously, do you know there's a world beyond what's 10 feet in front of you?"
@@savannahwoods3222thing is, there won’t be ANY cheap eggs, or groceries due to all the tariffs going to be enacted! Someone said it best, I forgot her name, but people have had 8 years to fully get to know what happens behind trump’s presidency and all his policies, and yet they still failed.
If it makes you feel better if their income is less than 500k yearly they are going to pay more in taxes to make the difference for the tax cuts for the rich.
I’m very fortunate my parents politics and morality have always aligned with my own. My mother didn’t understand why people were going no contact with their family until I showed her screenshots of some awful things my friends parents had said to them. I’ve told them daily how grateful I am for their kindness and support. They’ve stepped in to be the supportive parents a lot of my friends never had. It’s heartbreaking, and we hope people are finding the love and support they need right now. It’s not a choice anyone makes lightly.
Give your parents a hug for me. I know what happens to people with abusive parents. They struggle all their lives with emptiness, low self-esteem, & fear of abandonment. I’m so happy to hear your parents are kind and supportive to your friends, who don’t have such parents. Sometimes, all it takes to help someone hang on is to be treated with kindness and respect by people who care about them.
I'm a "black sheep" in some of my family relationships and this is the primary reason I try to maintain them: because their kids may need a safe older person to turn to someday if they do/are something that the rest of the family refuses to accept.
I’ve gotten much better at saying “I cannot talk about this/politics” and really sticking to that. It feels like a specific slice of low contact that really helps.
That!! And they’re ALWAYS the ones in their damn feelings!! My children can’t learn about their history because it hurts your feelings… WTF!?! How does that work??
My moms in at least TEN estranged parent groups since I went no contact several years ago and she’s raging about post election, mad that gen z is full of “babies” and “snowflakes” but this is the same woman who says the most intentionally emotionally abusive stuff to get a response and is DISAPPOINTED when you don’t explode after she provokes you. Like, she’ll call you condescending if you withhold an emotional reaction from her, like it’s egregious to avoid reacting as emotionally as she does.
I have dealt with this sort of behavior and I’ve come to 100% believe the ‘provoke and then criticize the response’ routine is a means of keeping control. From one perspective, the only thing better than being able to predict someone’s behavior is being able to influence that behavior. And if someone wants to knock a targeted person down a peg and they know that saying X will generate a reaction, two birds one stone, right? Bonus points if the timing sabotages something important to the targeted person. When a target of this stuff stops reacting in the expected, more easily punishable way, the provocative person starts losing control. I’m not sure if that’s your experience, but that’s what I’ve found. I’m sorry for what you’ve been dealing with regardless.
I haven't talked to my abusive mom in 13 years. Never had a bond with her. I was also a trans man my whole life until 1.5 years ago. My mom most likely believes transgenderism is political and inherently tied to social justice, and thus blames me escaping the abuse on politics. But the craziest irony is SHE was my first exposure to (proto) social Justice as a radical feminist. I was subjected to extreme misandry growing up and that predisposed me to be anti social Justice to protect myself. Your description tells me your mom tells herself your leaving is political rather than due to her dysfunctional and toxic behavior. If you wanted to, you could have someone tell her this on your behalf. It would be a noble gift, for her to be confronted by truth and the opportunity to free herself. You can move on and ignore her after that.
Hey Mickey. Just want to say that this video is proving very helpful to me right now. I am trans, and have been trying so hard to get my parents to see me as me, but they refuse, and are holding onto their “son” who never wanted to live in the first place. Things came to a head at thanksgiving this year, when I refused to introduce myself to a cousins GF by my old name, despite everyone calling me my old one. Now mom wants a “family meeting” and I get the feeling it’s gonna end poorly. Thank you for this.
im so sorry youre dealing w a family who refuses to see you as you. i have the same (aside from one brother) and its a crap feeling. im proud of you for being you despite them. gl w the "family meeting" (such bs to have a "family meeting" over your existence as a person. this isnt something you get a say in ppl)
You are seen and are so valid in your identity! Take care of yourself and if you go no contact, know that you have better community available outside of your blood relatives. You deserve to express yourself authenticly and be loved ❤ I'm also struggling with my family accepting who I am and even though it's hard, it's worth every speck of self discovery ✨️ sending you all the strength and support from this side of the screen ❤
16:39 This point is SO important. I finally went No Contact when I realized I didn’t have to wait until my abuser(s) realized they abused me and give me permission to exit. I could just exit. So I did. Took me years to get to that point.
@@wrongname2702 they're similar. In emotional incest situations parents can be jealous of their child's romantic partners but that's not always the case with enmeshment.
@@FinestWinterCold Yeah, I had the misfortune of marrying the son of a "boy mom" before the term and concept were popularized. A lot of misdirected BS was lobbed my way, though I couldn't see that clearly at the time. I internalized a lot of it and turned it into more shame, which I am now continually trying to heal from. I was raised in an enmeshed household myself.
I cut my conservative family off 10 years ago but my mother continued texting me on rare occasion after that.. I finally chose to block her number altogether during Trump's first presidency and it's the best thing I've ever done in regards to her, in my opinion. The weight that lifted from me was genuinely surprising and my life's been a lot better since. Granted, as a disabled trans person in a low income situation whose wife is also trans and working at a federal job (not in DC), I'm terrified.. We both are... But at least I don't have to deal with my mother texting me horrendous gaslight-y nonsense this time.
Best wishes... my son in law was working for the Department of Commerce not in DC and the last four Trump years were so hard on him and his co-workers. Fear this may be worse
I'm so sorry you had to cut contact with your mother. Everyone deserves parents who love and support them, and it's awful that so many kids, don't get that. Here's hoping enough people will realise they've been conned by the hate party for billionaires again, and trans people will be accepted, instead of scapegoated.
For whatever it's worth, I grew up in the DC area and maintain a lot of connections. I'm the daughter of a career civil servant (retired now), and she also maintains connections with various federal workers. All of DC is terrified that Trump will basically nuke the city by destroying the federal government. The vast majority of people in the DC area either work for the government, for federal contractors, or for support services for federal employees. It's the city ecosystem. I don't work for the feds, but my research (I'm a botanist/ecologist in academia) often relies on federal grant money. I also have undergrad students whose research opportunities and potential grad school prospects rely on federal support. (And that's not even mentioning all of the students who rely on Pell grants to pay for college, something that vanishes if the Department of Education is eliminated.) Trump's plans for the federal government are going to negatively affect all non-billionaire Americans, as well as millions of people around the world. However, some folks like you and your wife are going to bear the brunt and I wish you all the luck in the world. It might be worth checking out mutual aid groups in your area just in case. We're going to have to work at the community-level to survive the next several years. 💜
@@SusanGarvey-m2c Yeah, the first Trump administration was nuts, even for non-federal workers. I'm researcher who relies on grants (mostly through the USDA Forest Service and similar agencies) to continue my research, but during the Trump administration we were all instructed to _never_ mention climate change in our applications. It led to some _wildly_ dishonest grand applications on my part, since I study the long-term viability of forests and woodlands in the Southeast.
In case this is helpful to anyone, I'll share something that really helped me make a final decision about going no contact nearly 4 years ago: I thought about whether my parents, if they loved me, would want me to be around people like them and the answer was, obviously, no.
@@spacecavy jfc that's a heartbreaking thought 🥺 but ur right, folks who care for u would never want u to stay around ppl who don't show u love & respect. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but an important one, if u want to live ur best life. I'm so sorry ur birth family wasn't as good to u as u deserved. I hope u find some truly wonderful folks to make a new family with, if that's something that would be fulfilling for u. Best wish to u, fam ☺️👍
I think the James Baldwin quote “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist” applies here, perhaps?
Who did that? From what I can tell in a number of states where both abortion and the Presidency were on the ballot you had both Trump winning and protections for abortions winning. It's almost as if this stuff is more complicated than people are making it out to be. And at any rate, the Democrats could have codified Roe v. Wade had they wanted to, so it's not even like voting Democrat means that we get to have abortion rights for all women.
I’m right there with you. My body belongs to me not the government. You can’t be for individual freedom and forced pregnancy at the same time. That’s a very basic and fundamental right everyone should have. I’m glad I’m not alone 🫶🏼
@@SmallSpoonBrigadeby leaving abortion rights to the states you are still taking away someone’s right to bodily autonomy that person no longer has the ability to make that decision for themselves that decision is now made by the state. Our bodies belong to us not the government.
@@SmallSpoonBrigadethere’s also a very real chance that a nationwide ban will be enacted through the comstock act. Not here to argue just sharing my viewpoint.
@@SmallSpoonBrigadeno, you can't hide behind the mistakes of disappointing politicians anymore. Biden didn't do everything he promised... Because he was busy catering to snowflake fascists who pretend that bodily autonomy and voting rights for poc aren't important. You voted for a fascist who sympathizes for H!tler. You can't hide it anymore. I'm done giving you freaks the benefit of that doubt. You voted for racism, sexism, homophobia, and everything else. You! All for some tax breaks that aren't even going to happen because Trump isn't an economist. He's a billionaire and will act in favor of billionaires, not you. Money... you voted for bigotry over money you're not even gonna see.
To help combat the guilt-tripping that's being referred to at about 20 minutes in: they can say "after all I've done for you" til the cow come home, and that still doesn't change these two facts; 1) if you're my parent/grandparent, everything you did was the bare minimum that a guardian of a child was supposed to do, and 2) after everything you've done for me, you still felt the need to do something that actively harms me. None of it matters because you still made the choice to do something that hurt me, and you're sticking to it. No amount of good intention/previous behavior changes the fact that they still actively made the choice to do harm/act in ways that aren't safe for you. It's the same as when people tell me to stop arguing with my parent because "he's your dad/she's your mom" okay and in their daughter. They're treating their daughter like this. How does that make it any better that they're willing to behave this way? Just thought it might help someone. Flip the statement around, recognize that they're just trying to make you feel bad, and try to remember that we don't do things to harm or create unsafe environments for the people we love, and when we do it unintentionally, *we apologize and do better,* not stick to it and try to excuse it.
I have been saying that politics and voting haven’t been the same since when Obama ran. It’s not about disagreeing on if certain things should get funding or not and how much, it’s now about if you think POC, women, LGBTQ+ people deserve rights.
I grew up in a conservative family but the Obama years were my breaking point. The outspoken bigotry just made it so obvious to me that the values I was supposedly raised to believe -- loving others, all people are equal and made in the image of God etc. Just made it clear how "unchristian" conservative ideology really is. It's disgusting, but it also gave me the freedom to move beyond my background and come out as bisexual etc. So uh... Thanks to the GOP for going mask off I guess lol
I'd just like to say I needed this right now. I finally went no contact with my abusive dad literally the day after the election after being low contact for years. A week straight of texts mocking my sexuality, whining about "failing as a father," ranting about my informed voting choices, and more was my breaking point. Now, I sent him an email as my final notice. So beyond laying out every single major instance of abuse he'd put me through and making it very clear that he failed as a dad because of that abuse, I also told him to not drag my siblings into this and that this was my choice and my siblings are not my keepers (he's used them to try to skirt low-contact before). But it's also because I know that I need that final say to close the door just so that I know I've said my piece. It's been a weight off my chest honestly to no longer feel like I'm waiting for his next outburst or threading a needle every conversation. I honestly am only just starting to realize how much I lived in fear of him still, even without him in the house.
Thank you for making this. It is so frustrating when people play like they don't understand. Like "Why are you so upset? I voted for someone who thinks you're not a person, but that's just politics. Can you take the pie out of the oven?" WTF is with people?
They don't see people as people they see them as appliances. And they don't consider any consequences if those consequences don't affect them. Then they cry because you are holding them accountable.
I've been NC with my abusive parent for around 4 years. Best decision I've ever made, and encouraged by my therapist. My life has improved in ways I never expected.
I've had to deal with it from a branch of my extended family, though I've been lucky with my immediate family. It's an indicator of both your strength and empathy that you've been able to grow beyond what your family taught you. Protect that strength and empathy; keep yourself safe. 💜
My therapist and i establised that at the end of my sessions each week, we'll talk about something thats bringing me join lately and if im going to be doing something fun! Its really helped me start to plan fun things as part of my week. Like now later, on my therapy day, ive been watching one favorite shows with a groul of friends
I remember seeing Fox News people going “I wouldn’t let politics get in the way of precious time with loved ones” (I work at an old folks home so tvs are always on). If someone I know has the same internet and resources to see what that man stands for, and decides to go with that for “cheaper groceries” that won’t actually happen…they weren’t a loved one. I don’t know how to teach people that we should care about each other, and that corporations/billionaires are the ones to worry about. Not women, brown people, or drag queens.
Quoting @gays4wumbology396 "We should care about each other, and that corporations/billionaires are the ones to worry about. Not women, brown people, or drag queens." Excellent quote, that's exactly it. That's what people need to learn, in order to push for a better life for everyone.
Funny enough, one of the Fox News people was reviewing a political ad Kamala put out about a woman with a conservative husband secretly voting for Kamala, and the Fox News guy just blew up over how this would be "grounds for divorce" if his wife voted differently from him! And I would absolutely bet he wasn't the only conservative to feel that way. So much for "not letting politics get in the way of relationships" huh?
@@Raenafyn Oh, little fun fact about that guy. I'm pretty sure that's also the Fox host who um, SLASHED HIS WIFE'S TIRES to meet her and give her a ride home before they were together and she was a new Fox recruit. She's probably not great either, but I do feel a bit bad for her. He's a real creep.
We set boundaries with my partner's family in July after his mom went on a xenophobic racist rant. I'm the daughter of an immigrant and have taught immigrants and advocated for them for 15 years. I was personally a$$ulted and beat en, and doxxed by Trump supporters. I had to move to another state. They know this. We asked her to introspect about why what she said was racist and hurtful and apologize or myself and our child could not be around her. She refused. She said I was "asking too much", "overreacting". I tried to talk to my partner's brother and he screamed and berated me. I told him how I was pregnant in a hope he would stop the verbal abuse instead he worsened it. He lied to the whole family about what I said and his mother then said "I hate my partner because he is white" and "I'm a horrible hateful person", I'm "ruining the family" and " a terrible person for separating a granddaughter from her grandmother ". He then had his 16 year old daughter text us hate messages. This has been so stressful it has caused issues with the pregnancy.
these people sound horribly entitled and paranoid. they couldn’t handle being called out or taking accountability, so they decided to berate and abuse you. stay far away from anyone who reacts to boundaries this way. i hope you can find solace at home and that the issues you’re experiencing at the moment pass quickly. most importantly please do not fault yourself in any of this. that is your baby, you are that baby’s protector and caretaker. you’re the person who makes decisions for her life and well-being as she’s growing, like who she’s allowed to have around her. and that does not have to include racist bigots who spit in your face and then call you ungrateful when you stand up for yourself. you’re doing the right thing. many blessings and speedy recovery to you 🩵
Why do conservatives feel like they're entitled to a captive audience no matter what they do? I know in my family my uncle was allowed to freely spout off about "our n-word president" but somehow I was the problem for being upset by it. Also , I really resonate with the thing about families bringing up how much they've done when they want to control you. My entire life was a running tally of what I "owed" people for raising me and somehow whatever they wanted at the moment was "the least you can do". Needless to say I don't talk to any of those fuckers anymore.
They’re emotional parasites. They can’t be empathetic or kind or genuine on their own, so they feed off of the supply you provide by interacting with them.
I ... truly did not realize how much I needed to hear a lot of the things you said in here. Especially @34:20 : "choosing your own safety and your own well-being is important ... it's work that's worth doing. So please know that you're not being dramatic, you're not being a baby" You're not wrong, and this sentiment is something I'd cosign in a minute for anyone else. But it's SO hard to take on for myself. So thank you - so very, very much - for saying it in a way that I could hear today. It means a lot 💜
I recently cut contact with both of my sisters in the span of like a year because they're both abusive and I'm really struggling a lot with the pushback from my other family, thank you for this video
Tip in case it gives anyone else a good option, there are "nope i can't" cards that i legit keep in my wallet when i might be entering a gathering that might have convos happening that i need to exit for my mental well being. Hand the person one and walk away. Its light hearted and says what i need them to know. Especially at family gatherings. Not no contact but feels relevant.
I'm not no-contact with my parents by any means, nor do I think that would be the right choice, but I do curate what kinds of contact I have with them. My parents are no longer people I can safely share my inner self with, but I can see them at holidays just fine. I can have game nights with my mom. As long as the activity prevents any deep discussion, we're good. I just don't want to be in a situation that allows me to see the cracks in the facade anymore. I've stopped putting any energy into my relationship with my father. Or rather, I'm matching his energy, which is very little.
I appreciate you including the low contact stuff. For me, no contact isn’t the right answer, but low contact helps. I deal with issues with my parents both seem to feel a need to “parent” me, even though I’m an adult, and my mom had an issue with asking for opinions and getting mad when they’re given to her and being intentionally hurtful. I know it’s hard to hear criticism from her own kids, but being intentionally hurtful isn’t acceptable. It doesn’t matter what happened. So sometimes, I just need a break from them for a little while.
Suggestion for future video: Initiating contact again after going no contact I’m a therapist and person who has been no contact with my family for a while now, and I haven’t seen any discussion on how to revisit those relationships - when they’ve been respectful and the person feels safe to initiate again, ofc.
I used to think “How could anyone go no contact with the people that they love? I love my people so much. I couldn’t imagine it.” Until I had to go no contact with a good friend of mine. I was the only femme-presenting person in my friend group and I got along great with everyone for a long time, except we all grew up and one of them didn’t. It got to the point of where I didn’t feel safe with him anymore. All of my friends in that group had the same problems with him but I was the one who felt endangered by him. We all went no contact. And now I understand it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done because I truly cared for him. I hope he’s doing well and gets the therapy he needs but I will not be talking to him anymore.
As I was telling my mother I wouldn’t be in further contact with her she told me it was my fault for not teaching her how to have empathy for me. Believe me, I tried, ma’am!
My favorite uncle who helped RAISE me is gay and I found out he’s a Trumper on Thanksgiving. I don’t get it. I’m queer, disabled, and about to graduate college. I’m worried about going to graduate school and whether I’ll be able to be licensed under Trump if he’s hell-bent on not funding schools that uphold the truth. I’m worried about the ADA and the disability community as a whole. I’m worried about my insurance, my income, and the income of my disabled elderly parents.
Leopards eating people's faces party, but also as a trans and pan dude: the cis gay guys are so full of toxic masculinity it'd be hilarious if it wasn't making them even more miserable than the straight cis guys. Basically the logic is: - they're gay and because of internalized homophobia they still think that being gay threatens their sense of masculinity - if they're transphobic they're reasserting their masculinity because being trans threatens the cisheteronormativity BS that society told them is what makes someone "normal" Basically trans people flipping off biological-essentialism-dependent gender roles threatens insecure gay men who really should be going to therapy to figure out the fact masculinity is an innate trait and can't actually be gatekept any more than any other trait, like liking men or detesting the mouthfeel of coconut or having a favorite literary trope.
Politics is more complicated than what you believe. People will have different opinions on different subjects that will inform how they vote in future. Have an actual discussion as to why instead of isolating yourself.
I get the confusion but its more common than youd think. Some people really fail to put two and two together. Others just genuinly believe they wont be impacted! There is a reason why there is a joke that basically goes "I voted for the leapord eating faces but I didnt think theyd eat my face!"
"Or the cognitive flexibility right, we talked about this in the fundamentalism video" 😲😲😲WHAT? How did I miss this?? "that cognitive flexibi.. actually no we didn't. That video hasn't come out yet" Don't do this to me Mickey! My memory is bad enough as it is lmao
When I was a young adult, my mother still would introduced me as “my daughter” and I often didn’t have a name attached. I was definitely an extension of her. She grew up in a town of 430 people, and everybody kept track of what everybody else did and she spent her life aware that people might be watching her. I must say that as an adult in my 30s somehow my only sibling and I decided to just be really square and upfront with her about who we were and what we were like and for some reason, our family totally turned around. She is now 90 and we’re close and it’s beautiful. I could not have imagined.
@@rhymerlegend2717 tolerance is not a moral stance. It's a social contract. We do not have to tolerate their intolerance. We do not have to tolerate disrespect. Disrespectimg other people is a very glaring mark about that person's character. Are you actually here in any good faith or just to be provocative? You might be stuck putting up with other people treating you badly and people pleasing them, but dont get mad when some stand up for themselves and set boundaries.
At this point, it’s not about politics. It’s about morals and ethics . The betrayal of being raised to care for others and look out for others in need, only to have your parents support a hateful grapist and felon over the promise of concepts of a plan and cheap eggs who will take away my and my son’s rights.
My therapist told me she doesn't support him but thinks Trump loves America and hasn't tried to do anything to hurt the nation so WHEEEEE on the hunt for a new therapist cuz I can't work with someone who is that blind to reality. Ya'll, it's ok to shop around.
I cut my family off over "politics" in 2016. I don't regret it, but I do feel wildly guilty for not "trying harder" to win them over or something. I don't know what to say tbh. I believe we should try to move everyone we can further left, and I also believe that the people who will be doing the moving aren't going to be my family (as far right as you can possibly get for my entire life). It's a decision so full of longing and sadness for me, but also total resolve. I don't break bread with fascists. Period. Anyway, to everybody who's going through it this time around, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say there were better options than this, but it's been eight years and I haven't found any yet. 💜😓
My husband is desperately trying to get my family to change. Which I get--he's been much closer to his family than I've ever been. But I think after seeing how badly his brother reacted to me finally telling him how unsafe I feel around conservatives (essentially going low contact with us) I think he's starting to understand why I, at least, can't do the work anymore. People have to be willing to at least accept that your fear and pain is real before they can grapple how their political party has caused it, and to do that they have to admit that's partially the consequences of their own actions... And that's hard, I have some amount of compassion for it, but I'm slowly accepting that's not the work I can do anymore.
While your feelings of guilt are understandable, they’re not deserved. There’s no way to “win them over” because Trump voters live in an alternate reality that’s completely impenetrable. There are no combination of words, sound arguments, or substantive evidence that would help Trump voters to see reason and snap out of it. When Trumpers encounter evidence that their MAGA delusions are false, they simply deny, lie, and rationalize. There’s no way to overcome that. MAGA will snap out of it when they decide to do so and not one moment before that. Trying to “win them over” is wasted effort. The rest of us should be directing our energy towards connecting with and motivating the people who were too demoralized, disconnected, and/or disaffected to bother voting. We can reach them and we need to do it. Now.
@@BrightBlueInk You’re spot on. Trump voters live in an alternate reality that’s impenetrable. When Trumpers encounter evidence that their MAGA delusions are false, they deny, lie, and rationalize. That cannot be overcome. Trump voters will snap out of it when they want to and not a moment sooner. Trying to “win them over” is a waste of effort that we should be expending elsewhere. We should be pouring our energy into connecting with the people who were too demoralized, disconnected, and/or disaffected to bother voting. Those people _can_ be reached and we need them standing with us.
My husband and I have tried talking to his maga relatives on limited topics where we thought we could get through to them, but they are determined not to hear anything factual. I really don't understand why they even want to see us if they think we are "vermin" and "radical left wing thugs".
Several years ago, right before Jan. 6 actually, I was talking with a coworker about the upcoming violence and fear I had for our country. I remember saying to her, we have a schism in reality. We have some people who hold views that are simply incompatible with reality. As you say, if someone believes that another person's mere existence is a "sin" that needs to be "eradicated," well, those views are incompatible. Conflict is the only option. We can't tolerate people who don't think others are people. And I know we're all soft, anti-violence, mamby pamby liberals here, I get it. But if we do not defend ourselves, these MAGA folk WILL eradicate us. We need to start defending ourselves NOW.
“Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words, or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” (Frederick Douglass)
MICKEY!!!!!!! This video was *chef's kiss* PERFECT! It was so well stated, so well organized, and so hopeful in its messaging. I forget that I am nearly a decade older than you because you have such emotional maturity and do such a great job on this channel. I remember when I first found you- you were drinking wine and saying the eff word and I thought "oh hell yes I want to know her" 😂 Anyway, I went through the no contact phase with my parents back in 2015. They learned the difficult lesson that no matter what they do- including STEALING FROM ME things I needed to run my business in order to get my attention, I wasn't going to budge in my boundaries. I had to literally move States to feel safe from my family, but I'm in a place now where I look forward to visiting my parents and younger brother. I am most likely permanently no contact with my older brother. A year ago Thanksgiving day he kicked my elderly service dog. I grabbed my shit and drove 300 miles home, barefoot, in the dark, to get my dog safe. I refused to go to family Christmas last year, and I texted my ENTIRE extended family to let them know what my asshole brother did. I wound up not going bc my mom made a fuss about me wanting to make sure my brother was not there when I was (I was not saying he couldn't come. I was asking to either come early and leave early to avoid him OR come after he leaves). This year I have a feeling my mom will not make a fuss. Past experience tells me she wants to see me badly enough that she will be willing to accommodate a reasonable request from me.
@TiredKnitter might've been me! I'm not shy about exposing my parents disgusting behavior. It embarrasses them when I do, but gee maybe don't act that way 🤣
I went NC with Trump voting friends and family back in 2016. It improved my life in every possible way. I ended up finding a much better friend group and found family that actually share my values.
I had to temporarily go no contact with my dad and siblings after I got top surgery because they had a lot of big feelings about it. I wrote my dad a 5 page letter which I sent via snail mail explaining my choices and the fact that I had community around me that supported my decision. The first week, I was a wreck. I felt guilty and was engaging in self destructive behaviors. Everything hurt and I felt like my world was ending. Even though I had a support system, the idea that I could be losing my siblings forever was more than I could handle. Eventually things cooled down enough that I can have a somewhat distant relationship with them, but it's still really hard and I continue to engage with them despite being continually deadnamed and misgendered. It hurts, but it's the price I'm willing to pay to have a relationship with my siblings.
@@user-mv5zt8qd9l I’m not being a troll right now. As someone who would give ANYTHING for just one more moment with my dad; don’t take them for granted
@rhymerlegend2717 I am really sorry that you miss your dad. However, I just want to be clear that you not having your dad is not a reason for you to shame anyone about not having a good relationship with their parents. My dad has been physically and verbally abusive. It's a miracle that I'm even still talking to him, but that is irrelevant. Not everyone can have safe relationships with their families and that is fundamentally what this episode is about.
@@liamdesemple4245I’m really impressed by your response to that comment about not taking your dad for granted. I would have blown up at them, but your comment does such a good job of articulating why what they said was inappropriate
I have gone practically no contact with a family member. I don't reach out to her. What hurts the most, I think, is that she hasn't seemed to notice or care.
“You do not value my safety.” This. *Shit* Six words encapsulating almost 40 years of 3 major relationships in my life. None of us now how to swim and yet I’m the problem for deciding to start flailing my limbs away from them. Yeah I may drown over here on my own but I’ll certainly drown if I cling to you and you to me. Why is that so hard to understand?
Would love to see/hear your thoughts on the dealing with poor parental boundaries and emotional ince$t, I've had such a hard time finding resources on this.
All of the people talking about not letting politics ruin relationships are the ones who display the lowest empathy out of all the people I know. If you didn’t want people to cut you off, maybe don’t vote against their rights to live
That attitude makes me think that those folks are getting off light not having you in their lives. I wouldn't personally care to spend time around people that judgmental. Especially with both major party candidates were so horrible. If these people weren't so insufferable that they needed a boundary before the election, they aren't after the election either. This is a bunch of self-entitlement that won't lead to improvements in the future.
Don’t talk to me about empathy. I voted for Trump. I the empathy I have sometimes is overwhelming to the point I have to shut it off or it consumes me. You don’t understand anyone’s heart but your own. You don’t get to judge
@@rhymerlegend2717if you claim to have that much empathy for people but voted for trump, you are severely misinformed on what he and the Republican party have done and will do to americans, and/or you don't care
@@anx1ety_prime Correct. These two have commented multiple times demonstrating that they haven’t watched the video, nor do they probably care about the content that Mickey crafts in general. There’s probably some shame and uncomfortable feelings that they can’t deal with and need to feel better about themselves by commenting on here.
I needed this so much. Thank you for all that you do. Had to start low contact with the out that if my boundaries are not respected, it will become no contact. My family's political views shocked me with this election. You have also convinced me to finally take the initiative to find a therapist. I'm reaching out to one this week using your resources ❤
Also, I feel like we enable trump voters when they continue to benefit from our warmth, our friendship, our love, and our kindness. Actions have consequences.
What warmth, love and kindness are you talking about? Maybe that's you or someone you know but I've never seen that. I've witnessed and experienced a lot of hostility and abusive behavior from such people on the other side of the fence. And I'm not on either of those sides, I'm from a different background.
@@anewagora You’re asking people to ‘prove’ they’re warm, loving, and kind to their friends and family. You’re just manufacturing a way to criticize and complain. Just leave.
i’ve been mourning my grandparents since 2016 when they voted for him the first time. they’ve only grown more and more hateful. it’s so hard to watch. and they get mad and ask why we never go over to see them anymore and i don’t know how to tell them it’s because i am so sick and tired of their hatred.
I have a father in law like this who used to be easygoing and happy and now he's always angry and ultra political. I wonder if it would help to tell them "you seem angry all of the time, and that's hard to be around"? I don't know. 😑
@@SmallSpoonBrigade see the thing is, if you’re someone who’s marginalized and/or one of the people targeted by trumps policies and your therapist basically voted against basically your existence and autonomy, then it’s probably not meant to be/not a compatible therapist.
In the grand scheme of life... It is short and at the end of the day, protecting our peace is the bare minimum of selfcare. Do not punish yourselves for poor behaviors others do not care to acknowledge or change by forcing a relationship that is harming you.
I went no contact with my only sibling this year, well before the election, when he told me he was voting for 45 and could not be convinced otherwise. I didn't argue with him or go into detail, just said "Ok cool we're done, goodbye" and then blocked his phone number and all the ways we were linked on social media. There's no point in arguing with these people. They've made their choices and they can live with them.
@@rhymerlegend2717cope and cry, but weren’t not putting up with your delusions, hate towards us, and bullying disguised as “patriotism”. The right has been pushing the left away for decades, and now that we’re just doing the same, you snowflakes are crying about it? 😆😆😆 Just proves why we’re justified. Don’t try sitting at my table, thanks. 😘
In my experience, "I feel x when you do y" doesn't actually work that well with some people. Some have a pattern of turning the conversation around to discuss how I can not feel x when they do y instead of discussing the fact that y has an adverse effect and discussing them doing z or q instead. This is often a control strategy, in which the person is avoiding conversations they don't WANT to have. Sometimes, though, especially where particular mental illnesses are a factor or if the person is chronically in physically or mentally and therefore just is very short on spoons, they are trying not to have a conversation that they don't have the energy for -- and they don't feel safe to just say that they don't have energy for that conversation. And sometimes certain types of linguistic rigidity (from some presentations of trauma response and/or neurodivergence) may mean the person honestly thinks the topic of the conversation is your feeling, because that is where you started. I guess I have dealt with an unusually high percentage of people who fall into the above categories; I think I statements have worked well for me with like 2 people in 30 years.
@ it was. My relationship with my father almost ended and my relationship with my partner of almost 4 years was so strained I don’t know if we’ll stay together when we get home. A whole family nearly destroyed because people couldn’t keep their mouths shut
Could you make a video about aging parents? Not even necessarily about having to physically care for them, but witnessing their cognitive decline. Them becoming more isolated and sorta inflexible and dissatisfied with their life. I'm having more arguments with my mum because of miscommunication and it's also just scary to slowly lose someone so seemingly perpetually youthful and healthy to old age, eventual disability and death. I thought I'm the only one having such worries but recently a band I like released a song about realizing that once parent's aren'r going to live forever, so yeah I guess their are more people struggling with that. Maybe it's also worth to touch on parents being undiagnosed neurodivergent. Having the expectations of parents not having mental health issues, after growing up during a time where mental health was heavily stigmatized isn't very helpful I think.
I have a lot of trouble as a white woman figuring out the right boundaries. I think my family might respect "no political discussion" as a boundary, but does that implicitly enable the harmful beliefs? On the other hand I know I won't be able to change their beliefs (I've tried.) It's messy.
What I'd say is that it really depends on you and the people you're interacting with. If you collectively can talk about such things and agree to disagree if things start to get overheated, then it's better talk politics, otherwise, it might be better off to agree not to talk about such things as nobody is going to be changing their opinions if facts indicate a change is in order.
Honestly, if you have already challenged their bigoted beliefs again and again I don't think continuing the relationship alone means that you're enabling them. In this situation, I believe your decision should depend upon whether they are safe for you to be around. I'm also white so I get that I have a lot of privilege in saying this, if any poc person thinks I'm off base please let me know. This is coming from someone whose mom and extended family have homophobic and transphobic beliefs due to religion. Sometimes it's hard to know when you should speak up or not.
@@someone4585 yeah, what I've settled on is making a donation to an org that supports any group that would be hurt by beliefs my family voices (so, like, if they're being gross about homelessness I donate to an org supporting that population.) It's not perfect but it feels like the most effective way to counter the harm
It is very hard for sure, I’m an autistic woman and my grandma and my dad of all people voted for Trump and I’m very sad about it, I don’t have the heart to go no contact with them because they do really help me through life, I am going back to therapy and it’ll be a topic I’ll be talking about
When people say, "I voted for Trump, BUT I'M NOT A BAD PERSON!!" they are admitting that Trump IS a bad person and that his win is going to do tremendous harm, but they voted for him anyway.
Weirdly, when I decided to go no-contact, the therapist I was seeing kept pushing back on my decision. But it was that decision that finally allowed me to start healing.
I think it's also important for people to understand that if they _don't_ go no contact with Trump-voting friends and family, that can be okay too. Not everyone is in a position to go no-contact, particularly if they're a minor or otherwise not financially independent. Likewise, if someone relies on a Trump-voting spouse or caretaker to survive, it's okay not to cut off that person. If you have a partner who voted for Trump, it's probably a terrible shock and disappointment, but you may feel that you can help your partner gain a better understanding of their choice. For even more people, particularly those who are less vulnerable under Trump (I'm looking at you white, financially secure, Christian, American-born, cishet men out there), it may still be safe to maintain relationships with Trump voters, either because you think you can deradicalize them or because you can be the one to simply push back against Trump propaganda. I don't want people to feel bad for maintaining relationships with Trump voters. We don't all have the freedom to cut those people off, and in some cases, we just don't need to. (And to clarify, I'm not going no-contact with any friends or family now because I already cut out those folks years ago. I don't feel like I'd have the strength to maintain a relationship in order to deradicalize them, but I admire people who do. Deradicalization _only_ works through personal relationships.)
I asked my family who voted for Trump what am I going to do if he takes my rights away as a gay man (like a Supreme Court judge threatened they would do) along with dismantling the rights of trans people, and they just said “you’ll get your rights back in 4 years” 🙃 maybe, maybe not but what you won’t get back in 4 years is your sons love.
I chose low-contact, and of course it is perceived as “sour grapes” because they project their own emotional immaturity onto people with empathy. They also think they’re good Christians, proving that irony is dead.
I am going the low contact route with a few friends who voted Trump (one of whom used to be a very close friend, but that changed during this election cycle). I think it’s important to maintain those connections to prevent them from becoming further radicalized, but I’ve realized that it’s not worth my peace of mind to spend any more time with them than what I am comfortable. I’m getting better at saying no, speaking up when I disagree, and limiting how close I allow myself to get with them. I still feel tinges of guilt for keeping them at arm’s length though, and the part of the video about feeling like the same organism definitely resonated.
Using "I feel" statements around my parents who have been to therapy and listen to too many conservative podcasts mean that they just undermine what I'm trying to tell them by saying "well, i know you feel that way, but its not real." I've been low contact for a while, I haven't wanted to go no contact because the rest of my family also can't help being related to them, but I don't know what else to do.
Yeah, I wouldn't use "I feel" statements with our family - I would prefer to say, "We can't have a conversation if we can't agree on basic facts and reality."
Thank you for talking about low contact situations. Family has always been a major point in my life and I've truly dreaded the thought of cutting them off completely during holidays this year. At the same time its not bad enough to make me unsafe in the group. So, I've been at a loss of what to do about it.
As someone who went No Contact with my father since about 2 years ago, this video was very helpful to watch. It was very helpful to me to hear that one *does not have to* explain or justify themselves for going Low/No Contact.
thank you for pointing out, that kids are not supposed to gentle parent their lit. Parents! I heard it soo many times "I know, theire abusive, but we are working on it and they are better now".... F that. If your parent hurts you (emotionally or physically) then you are not responsible... if ppl in your livw are not good for, then they dont belong in your live!
I've gone no contact for reasons other than politics, and I constantly question whether it makes me a bad or immature person - I definitely needed this video. I would like to mention this in case others need it: going no contact is often portrayed as a child-parent thing, but sometimes it's siblings or other family members. I say this as a twin who has been no contact with their twin for over a decade. It might be too specific, but I'd love to see some kind of professional look at the type of behavior I experienced, where being "her sister" meant I couldn't be "me" (ie having my own opinions and wants) without severely upsetting her and causing a fight.
I have been NC with my parents for a while but this still was helpful because in those moments when I'm by myself I need that reminder that I did that to keep myself safe ❤
I have unfortunately had to cut ties with some people. Your point at the end, though, that it doesn't always necessarily have to be permanent, is valid. I have a friend who is extremely blunt and sort of instinctively argumentative, and I did take a huge step back from him at one point a few years ago, needing a break. I did call it a break, not a total end to the friendship. And we both work harder now at understanding each other AND ourselves, making sure, both of us, that we take greater care not to be unintentionally hurtful or unkind to the other. We communicate really well these days. But, this friend is the exception, and the temporary break was not from something as serious as being cool with institutional harm coming to anyone. So, if anyone is hoping for some kind of change in a relationship without ending, it's really difficult, but it can sometimes be done. Take care of yourselves.
I have a couple of thoughts. One I agree with almost everything you said, and you are an excellent communicator. Do you enjoy being a walking stereotype of what Trump supporters make fun of all of us for being? You are an educated, intelligent, green haired, big girl, and a liberal Working in a social science,. You are everything they use to put us down. I kind of love you for that. God there needs to be more of you! I’m not being sarcastic. I am being genuine and I want you to know I am liking and subscribing.
I’m so lucky and glad my families morals and values and political beliefs have always aligned with mine. My poor mom was so upset about this election she couldn’t even discuss it with me for about a week after. It was so upsetting we avoided talking about it altogether for a short amount of time to focus on just taking care ourselves, and taking a breather before we began processing and unpacking our feelings and thoughts and preparing for the next four years after the election. My mom is right there with me. I couldn’t imagine the grief of not only these election results, but a family who directly contributed to it and doesn’t understand why you’re upset about it. My heart goes out to anyone going through that with their family 🫶🏻
I really do enjoy Mickey's videos, I learn so much. I would, however, suggest making a video on psychological and emotional harm in depth in the future because I strongly suspect MANY PEOPLE do not know or are willfully ignorant of these things.
Dang, from the title I thought this would be an enlightening video but listening to Mickey it's like she's got the nuance of all my questions figured out already. Ha, ha! I love how you're able to breakdown these complicated emotional landscapes into understandable pieces. I've had to go no-contact recently, politics were part of it though not election-related. I don't regret my decision and have even considered I should've gone no-contact sooner. But, I have wondered if I could've communicated better why I wanted to go no-contact. So I really appreciate what you've said about not owing an explanation. When I think back to our last conversation, there wasn't room for me to explain fully why I didn't feel safe. And I need to give myself grace that I had to focus on communicating that I needed distance and for that distance to be respected.
On living with someone we want to go no-contact with: I get the main floor during the day. My mother-in-law gets the main floor at night. Sometimes we will both be downstairs between like 4 and 6 PM or I will be walking through that space to let the dogs out at night, and occasionally she will ask me a question on my way back from the bathroom (which I hate). MOSTLY this works.
I don’t want to talk to people who do not believe certain people are fully people.
FR tho. We can have differences of opinion, but if ur "opinion" is that I shouldn't exist & have the same civil rights as u, that's not something we can actually disagree on, bc I'm literally right here. U don't get to believe that I'm subhuman & still get my friendship, respect, or kindness. U don't get to disagree with my life.
That's not a disagreement. That's an expression of violence.
Agreed. Disagreements are for pizza toppings and furniture placement not for human rights
Ooooooh, burn!
@@mossthebryophyter OK, so how then do you get them on board with a more enlightened view of humanity if you can't be bothered to interact with them?
@@SmallSpoonBrigadethis is where I’m stuck. I don’t particularly want to talk to them either. But then what? Some people have the capacity for outreach, and some don’t, and both are valid. But outreach is still so important.
when my mom hits me with the “I’m such a terrible person aren’t I?”I just tell her “yes, you are”
even that, though, moves the goalpost from what the conversation is really about. you don’t bring up concerns to tell your mother who she is. you bring them up as feedback on how she is affecting you emotionally.
@@AccordingToWillow I agree, but sometimes it does feel a little satisfying to get a passive jab in by "agreeing" with them. If only it made them self-reflective. 😕 I try to abstain from such responses myself. It's a lot easier when you don't/rarely talk to people who react that way to any perceived judgement or criticism.
Simple.
People act like their short-sightedness wouldn't have negative consequences.
I like to remind mine (or did, before that time was ended) that in order for me to classify it as only “bad behavior,” it would have to be something that changed. If it’s not mutable, then yes, that’s an issue of bad morals and frailty.
"That's not what I said, but I'm not gonna disagree now that you've admitted it," and then power through on the original point xD
A "relationship" that depends on you silencing your conscience sounds like the definition of abuse.
Or pretty much, you having to placate or tiptoe around every subject because you don't want their ire.
I still resent my sister's grandpa because even though I've heard he's changed from relatives. I don't want to feel like I have to nod my head with everything he's saying just because I don't want to get into a hostile argument with him and other family members.
As someone outside the U.S., let me share that the outcome of the election has significantly affected us too. Many of us are really struggling, living in shock and fear, and having to set boundaries too. Politics is definitely affecting our relationships too, and I greatly appreciate this video.
In solidarity, 🇨🇦
US politics affects us whether we like it or not. The US republican party funded our "no" vote in our referendum last year, and we are definitely influenced by who is in power in the U.S. I hate to think what will happen in Australia if Peter Dutton is voted as PM. I'm a gay disabled biracial Indigenous Jew, Peter Dutton is a homophobic racist cvnt and he would ruin my life.
Yes! And I'm from the US but I'm also aware that we're not the only place where the far right/fascism/Nazism has seized power or come close to it over the past decade.
Yes I live outside the US too and it is disappointing to see how many people support Trump and/or our conservative party (and the minor parties that are more extreme).
What happens in America affects the rest of the world whether we like it or not. We recently had a state nearly pass an abortion ban recently, I never thought I would see that happen as just one example.
Exactly!!!!
Absolutely ❤ Being in Canada I still feel a sense of grief because we are so lose, the difficult and damaging ideologies don’t need to travel very far
All these men saying they can’t believe their girlfriends would dump them over politics?? Like, Sir, we are allowed to break up with you if we find out you are a shitty person 😅
I can, women are a lot less mature than men when it comes to dating.
@The maturity of voting for a man hoping he can somehow make it a law that women have to be your girlfriend. 😅
@@SmallSpoonBrigade Bad bait is bad
@@SmallSpoonBrigade respectfully, many men aren’t even mature enough to take care of themselves
Mentally, emotionally, or physically
Just like they lack the maturity to accept that anyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason if the want to
@@SmallSpoonBrigade Well, when you're a 35-year-old man trying to date an 18-year-old, then yeah, she's a "lot less mature" because she's a literal child.
7:46 said this point to my parent and they were like "well I didn't vote for him because I hate trans people, I love you, but I voted for him for other reasons" and I'm like THAT DOESNT MATTER !!!!!!!!!!
No it doesn’t and I’m so sorry as a mom this election result has been terrifying because I’m scared for my kids and their safety my husband and his family are Puerto Rican and idk if they will try to act like it’s not part of the country and that they are legal citizens
Same for my parents and really my entire family. I’ve had discussions with a few since the election and they just don’t fucking get it. I mean, most of my family hate queer people (lesbian here) and think I’m sinning by being with a woman, but I have a cousin who was so supportive. Then I find out she voted for Trump. Like… girl bye.
@@kearstinnekenerson6676 I hadn't even considered the kind of harassment Puerto Ricans are going to get under Trump, despite the fact that they're literally native-born Americans. Oof. I wish you and your family luck!
This is something that some of my extended family is having trouble with. They think they're off the hook if they voted for a rapest felon who views my entire gender as breeding stock, not for his cruelty, but because they think he'll cut their taxes. These are people who witnessed Trump's bigotry and cruelty, but those _aren't deal-breakers._ Like, what _would_ be a deal breaker for these people?!
My mom said the exact same thing
I’ve been grieving since Election Day and will continue to grieve for the next four years.
Get over it it’s an election. Life goes on
@@rhymerlegend2717 Get over it. It’s a UA-cam comment on a mental health channel about boundaries post election. Life goes on.
@@rhymerlegend2717I'm sure someone said something similar in Germany after Hitlers rise to power. Whatever the German equivalent of "Bruh, it's just an election."
@@rhymerlegend2717 You're very lucky that your life can just "go on"! Mine has changed and will continue to change. Lives of friends and family and colleagues are changing. I have undocumented students and other students who have undocumented family members, whose lives are going to be ripped apart. Palestinian lives can't just go on under an administration that has given Israel the go-ahead to turn Gaza into a parking lot. Lives of any Americans living in poverty are going to become so, _so_ much harder when Trump tariffs make prices of basic goods skyrocket. I've got an uncle who's a contractor and he's already panicking over finding people to replace the roofers he usually works with since nearly all qualified roofers in his area are undocumented.
So yes, you must live a charmed live if life can just continue as normal for you. Be aware that you're a member of a very privileged minority in this.
@@rhymerlegend2717 Not for BIPOC, women, or the q*eer community.
What drives me around the bend is people who insist they're not bigots, they just want tax breaks. I ask them how much they anticipate saving. My rights are worth less than whatever number they give me. They are happy to throw me and millions of other people under the bus for a petty cash payout that likely won't even materialize.
They sold us out for cheaper eggs
This feels a bit worse than bigotry or commitment to beliefs that oppress other people. I'd actually rather talk to the hardcore Christian nationalist who thought they were doing "God's will" than the person who sleepwalked into voting away my civil rights because they wanted low taxes and cheap groceries. To them I'd say "Like seriously, do you know there's a world beyond what's 10 feet in front of you?"
@@sofiarune If they’ll tolerate bigotry for a couple thousand dollars, max, I got bad news for them
@@savannahwoods3222thing is, there won’t be ANY cheap eggs, or groceries due to all the tariffs going to be enacted!
Someone said it best, I forgot her name, but people have had 8 years to fully get to know what happens behind trump’s presidency and all his policies, and yet they still failed.
If it makes you feel better if their income is less than 500k yearly they are going to pay more in taxes to make the difference for the tax cuts for the rich.
I’m very fortunate my parents politics and morality have always aligned with my own. My mother didn’t understand why people were going no contact with their family until I showed her screenshots of some awful things my friends parents had said to them. I’ve told them daily how grateful I am for their kindness and support. They’ve stepped in to be the supportive parents a lot of my friends never had.
It’s heartbreaking, and we hope people are finding the love and support they need right now. It’s not a choice anyone makes lightly.
Give your parents a hug for me. I know what happens to people with abusive parents. They struggle all their lives with emptiness, low self-esteem, & fear of abandonment. I’m so happy to hear your parents are kind and supportive to your friends, who don’t have such parents. Sometimes, all it takes to help someone hang on is to be treated with kindness and respect by people who care about them.
W parents!!
I'm a "black sheep" in some of my family relationships and this is the primary reason I try to maintain them: because their kids may need a safe older person to turn to someday if they do/are something that the rest of the family refuses to accept.
@@susanstephan7689 similar position here
I'm glad that there ARE good parents out there
I’ve gotten much better at saying “I cannot talk about this/politics” and really sticking to that. It feels like a specific slice of low contact that really helps.
Its really interesting that the fugg-your-feelings-crowd get all emotional about others going no contact
Imagine that... 😂
@ projection is a bitch i guess
That!! And they’re ALWAYS the ones in their damn feelings!! My children can’t learn about their history because it hurts your feelings… WTF!?! How does that work??
@@leslielewis40 lets face it: this whole fyf-stuff was always projection.
"Your feelings, not mine. *Never* mine."
My moms in at least TEN estranged parent groups since I went no contact several years ago and she’s raging about post election, mad that gen z is full of “babies” and “snowflakes” but this is the same woman who says the most intentionally emotionally abusive stuff to get a response and is DISAPPOINTED when you don’t explode after she provokes you. Like, she’ll call you condescending if you withhold an emotional reaction from her, like it’s egregious to avoid reacting as emotionally as she does.
I have dealt with this sort of behavior and I’ve come to 100% believe the ‘provoke and then criticize the response’ routine is a means of keeping control. From one perspective, the only thing better than being able to predict someone’s behavior is being able to influence that behavior. And if someone wants to knock a targeted person down a peg and they know that saying X will generate a reaction, two birds one stone, right? Bonus points if the timing sabotages something important to the targeted person. When a target of this stuff stops reacting in the expected, more easily punishable way, the provocative person starts losing control. I’m not sure if that’s your experience, but that’s what I’ve found.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been dealing with regardless.
Those groups are like little narcissist hives. It's so gross
I haven't talked to my abusive mom in 13 years. Never had a bond with her. I was also a trans man my whole life until 1.5 years ago. My mom most likely believes transgenderism is political and inherently tied to social justice, and thus blames me escaping the abuse on politics. But the craziest irony is SHE was my first exposure to (proto) social Justice as a radical feminist. I was subjected to extreme misandry growing up and that predisposed me to be anti social Justice to protect myself. Your description tells me your mom tells herself your leaving is political rather than due to her dysfunctional and toxic behavior. If you wanted to, you could have someone tell her this on your behalf. It would be a noble gift, for her to be confronted by truth and the opportunity to free herself. You can move on and ignore her after that.
She sounds less like a mom and more like a bully that is just looking for a fight.
Sounds as if she's upset that people aren't allowing her to bully them
13:55 "It's not your job to parent that person or walk them through it." Exactly! Your boundaries are your own, no explanation required. Period.
Hey Mickey. Just want to say that this video is proving very helpful to me right now. I am trans, and have been trying so hard to get my parents to see me as me, but they refuse, and are holding onto their “son” who never wanted to live in the first place. Things came to a head at thanksgiving this year, when I refused to introduce myself to a cousins GF by my old name, despite everyone calling me my old one. Now mom wants a “family meeting” and I get the feeling it’s gonna end poorly. Thank you for this.
im so sorry youre dealing w a family who refuses to see you as you. i have the same (aside from one brother) and its a crap feeling. im proud of you for being you despite them. gl w the "family meeting" (such bs to have a "family meeting" over your existence as a person. this isnt something you get a say in ppl)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You are so valid and I'm impressed that you're standing up for yourself.
Sending love, I know how emotionally draining it all is
I see you. You are amazing!
You are seen and are so valid in your identity! Take care of yourself and if you go no contact, know that you have better community available outside of your blood relatives. You deserve to express yourself authenticly and be loved ❤ I'm also struggling with my family accepting who I am and even though it's hard, it's worth every speck of self discovery ✨️ sending you all the strength and support from this side of the screen ❤
16:39 This point is SO important. I finally went No Contact when I realized I didn’t have to wait until my abuser(s) realized they abused me and give me permission to exit. I could just exit. So I did. Took me years to get to that point.
I'm glad you're safer now. Everyone deserves to be loved for themselves! 💜
Please please please do a video on healing from boundary crossing & emotional incest in parent-child relationships!
I've never heard the term emotional incest before. Is it similar to enmeshment?
Agreed!
@@wrongname2702I'd like to learn more about this as well. It hit a nerve when she mentioned it.
@@wrongname2702 they're similar. In emotional incest situations parents can be jealous of their child's romantic partners but that's not always the case with enmeshment.
@@FinestWinterCold Yeah, I had the misfortune of marrying the son of a "boy mom" before the term and concept were popularized. A lot of misdirected BS was lobbed my way, though I couldn't see that clearly at the time. I internalized a lot of it and turned it into more shame, which I am now continually trying to heal from. I was raised in an enmeshed household myself.
I cut my conservative family off 10 years ago but my mother continued texting me on rare occasion after that.. I finally chose to block her number altogether during Trump's first presidency and it's the best thing I've ever done in regards to her, in my opinion. The weight that lifted from me was genuinely surprising and my life's been a lot better since. Granted, as a disabled trans person in a low income situation whose wife is also trans and working at a federal job (not in DC), I'm terrified.. We both are... But at least I don't have to deal with my mother texting me horrendous gaslight-y nonsense this time.
Best wishes... my son in law was working for the Department of Commerce not in DC and the last four Trump years were so hard on him and his co-workers. Fear this may be worse
I'm so sorry you had to cut contact with your mother. Everyone deserves parents who love and support them, and it's awful that so many kids, don't get that.
Here's hoping enough people will realise they've been conned by the hate party for billionaires again, and trans people will be accepted, instead of scapegoated.
You’re a terrible daughter/son
For whatever it's worth, I grew up in the DC area and maintain a lot of connections. I'm the daughter of a career civil servant (retired now), and she also maintains connections with various federal workers. All of DC is terrified that Trump will basically nuke the city by destroying the federal government. The vast majority of people in the DC area either work for the government, for federal contractors, or for support services for federal employees. It's the city ecosystem.
I don't work for the feds, but my research (I'm a botanist/ecologist in academia) often relies on federal grant money. I also have undergrad students whose research opportunities and potential grad school prospects rely on federal support. (And that's not even mentioning all of the students who rely on Pell grants to pay for college, something that vanishes if the Department of Education is eliminated.)
Trump's plans for the federal government are going to negatively affect all non-billionaire Americans, as well as millions of people around the world. However, some folks like you and your wife are going to bear the brunt and I wish you all the luck in the world. It might be worth checking out mutual aid groups in your area just in case. We're going to have to work at the community-level to survive the next several years. 💜
@@SusanGarvey-m2c Yeah, the first Trump administration was nuts, even for non-federal workers. I'm researcher who relies on grants (mostly through the USDA Forest Service and similar agencies) to continue my research, but during the Trump administration we were all instructed to _never_ mention climate change in our applications. It led to some _wildly_ dishonest grand applications on my part, since I study the long-term viability of forests and woodlands in the Southeast.
In case this is helpful to anyone, I'll share something that really helped me make a final decision about going no contact nearly 4 years ago: I thought about whether my parents, if they loved me, would want me to be around people like them and the answer was, obviously, no.
@@spacecavy jfc that's a heartbreaking thought 🥺 but ur right, folks who care for u would never want u to stay around ppl who don't show u love & respect. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but an important one, if u want to live ur best life.
I'm so sorry ur birth family wasn't as good to u as u deserved. I hope u find some truly wonderful folks to make a new family with, if that's something that would be fulfilling for u. Best wish to u, fam ☺️👍
I think the James Baldwin quote “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist” applies here, perhaps?
If someone votes for me to have less bodily autonomy than a corpse they hate me. That is an act of hate. I won't tolerate hate in my life.
Who did that? From what I can tell in a number of states where both abortion and the Presidency were on the ballot you had both Trump winning and protections for abortions winning. It's almost as if this stuff is more complicated than people are making it out to be. And at any rate, the Democrats could have codified Roe v. Wade had they wanted to, so it's not even like voting Democrat means that we get to have abortion rights for all women.
I’m right there with you. My body belongs to me not the government. You can’t be for individual freedom and forced pregnancy at the same time. That’s a very basic and fundamental right everyone should have. I’m glad I’m not alone 🫶🏼
@@SmallSpoonBrigadeby leaving abortion rights to the states you are still taking away someone’s right to bodily autonomy that person no longer has the ability to make that decision for themselves that decision is now made by the state. Our bodies belong to us not the government.
@@SmallSpoonBrigadethere’s also a very real chance that a nationwide ban will be enacted through the comstock act. Not here to argue just sharing my viewpoint.
@@SmallSpoonBrigadeno, you can't hide behind the mistakes of disappointing politicians anymore. Biden didn't do everything he promised...
Because he was busy catering to snowflake fascists who pretend that bodily autonomy and voting rights for poc aren't important.
You voted for a fascist who sympathizes for H!tler. You can't hide it anymore. I'm done giving you freaks the benefit of that doubt.
You voted for racism, sexism, homophobia, and everything else. You! All for some tax breaks that aren't even going to happen because Trump isn't an economist. He's a billionaire and will act in favor of billionaires, not you. Money... you voted for bigotry over money you're not even gonna see.
To help combat the guilt-tripping that's being referred to at about 20 minutes in: they can say "after all I've done for you" til the cow come home, and that still doesn't change these two facts;
1) if you're my parent/grandparent, everything you did was the bare minimum that a guardian of a child was supposed to do, and
2) after everything you've done for me, you still felt the need to do something that actively harms me. None of it matters because you still made the choice to do something that hurt me, and you're sticking to it.
No amount of good intention/previous behavior changes the fact that they still actively made the choice to do harm/act in ways that aren't safe for you. It's the same as when people tell me to stop arguing with my parent because "he's your dad/she's your mom" okay and in their daughter. They're treating their daughter like this. How does that make it any better that they're willing to behave this way?
Just thought it might help someone. Flip the statement around, recognize that they're just trying to make you feel bad, and try to remember that we don't do things to harm or create unsafe environments for the people we love, and when we do it unintentionally, *we apologize and do better,* not stick to it and try to excuse it.
I have been saying that politics and voting haven’t been the same since when Obama ran. It’s not about disagreeing on if certain things should get funding or not and how much, it’s now about if you think POC, women, LGBTQ+ people deserve rights.
I grew up in a conservative family but the Obama years were my breaking point. The outspoken bigotry just made it so obvious to me that the values I was supposedly raised to believe -- loving others, all people are equal and made in the image of God etc. Just made it clear how "unchristian" conservative ideology really is. It's disgusting, but it also gave me the freedom to move beyond my background and come out as bisexual etc. So uh... Thanks to the GOP for going mask off I guess lol
@ I am sorry you had to go through that but I’m happy you were able to come out the other side your truest self ♥️
I'd just like to say I needed this right now. I finally went no contact with my abusive dad literally the day after the election after being low contact for years. A week straight of texts mocking my sexuality, whining about "failing as a father," ranting about my informed voting choices, and more was my breaking point. Now, I sent him an email as my final notice. So beyond laying out every single major instance of abuse he'd put me through and making it very clear that he failed as a dad because of that abuse, I also told him to not drag my siblings into this and that this was my choice and my siblings are not my keepers (he's used them to try to skirt low-contact before). But it's also because I know that I need that final say to close the door just so that I know I've said my piece. It's been a weight off my chest honestly to no longer feel like I'm waiting for his next outburst or threading a needle every conversation. I honestly am only just starting to realize how much I lived in fear of him still, even without him in the house.
Thank you for making this. It is so frustrating when people play like they don't understand. Like "Why are you so upset? I voted for someone who thinks you're not a person, but that's just politics. Can you take the pie out of the oven?" WTF is with people?
They don't see people as people they see them as appliances. And they don't consider any consequences if those consequences don't affect them. Then they cry because you are holding them accountable.
I've been NC with my abusive parent for around 4 years. Best decision I've ever made, and encouraged by my therapist. My life has improved in ways I never expected.
12:48 I tell them “what’s wrong is not correcting it”. The act was not intended as hurtful, but to not correct it is a choice to hurt.
Coming from a conservative family, this is such a helpful topic for me.❤
I've had to deal with it from a branch of my extended family, though I've been lucky with my immediate family. It's an indicator of both your strength and empathy that you've been able to grow beyond what your family taught you. Protect that strength and empathy; keep yourself safe. 💜
My therapist and i establised that at the end of my sessions each week, we'll talk about something thats bringing me join lately and if im going to be doing something fun! Its really helped me start to plan fun things as part of my week. Like now later, on my therapy day, ive been watching one favorite shows with a groul of friends
I remember seeing Fox News people going “I wouldn’t let politics get in the way of precious time with loved ones” (I work at an old folks home so tvs are always on). If someone I know has the same internet and resources to see what that man stands for, and decides to go with that for “cheaper groceries” that won’t actually happen…they weren’t a loved one. I don’t know how to teach people that we should care about each other, and that corporations/billionaires are the ones to worry about. Not women, brown people, or drag queens.
Quoting @gays4wumbology396
"We should care about each other, and that corporations/billionaires are the ones to worry about. Not women, brown people, or drag queens."
Excellent quote, that's exactly it. That's what people need to learn, in order to push for a better life for everyone.
Funny enough, one of the Fox News people was reviewing a political ad Kamala put out about a woman with a conservative husband secretly voting for Kamala, and the Fox News guy just blew up over how this would be "grounds for divorce" if his wife voted differently from him! And I would absolutely bet he wasn't the only conservative to feel that way. So much for "not letting politics get in the way of relationships" huh?
@@RaenafynFR
@@Raenafyn Oh, little fun fact about that guy. I'm pretty sure that's also the Fox host who um, SLASHED HIS WIFE'S TIRES to meet her and give her a ride home before they were together and she was a new Fox recruit. She's probably not great either, but I do feel a bit bad for her. He's a real creep.
@@Raenafyn Right-wingers are perpetually hypocritical and they’re unbothered by their lack of integrity.
14:25 I have to remind myself of this
Recently talked to my father and he called boundaries "doctrine of devils" He's a lost cause
NGL that sounds pretty badass and cool although I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way
We set boundaries with my partner's family in July after his mom went on a xenophobic racist rant. I'm the daughter of an immigrant and have taught immigrants and advocated for them for 15 years. I was personally a$$ulted and beat en, and doxxed by Trump supporters. I had to move to another state. They know this. We asked her to introspect about why what she said was racist and hurtful and apologize or myself and our child could not be around her. She refused. She said I was "asking too much", "overreacting". I tried to talk to my partner's brother and he screamed and berated me. I told him how I was pregnant in a hope he would stop the verbal abuse instead he worsened it. He lied to the whole family about what I said and his mother then said "I hate my partner because he is white" and "I'm a horrible hateful person", I'm "ruining the family" and " a terrible person for separating a granddaughter from her grandmother ". He then had his 16 year old daughter text us hate messages.
This has been so stressful it has caused issues with the pregnancy.
i hope the stress and issues its caused w your pregnancy lessen. thats a LOT
This is unacceptable. Please take care of yourself and disallow either of them to come anywhere near you.
these people sound horribly entitled and paranoid. they couldn’t handle being called out or taking accountability, so they decided to berate and abuse you. stay far away from anyone who reacts to boundaries this way. i hope you can find solace at home and that the issues you’re experiencing at the moment pass quickly. most importantly please do not fault yourself in any of this. that is your baby, you are that baby’s protector and caretaker. you’re the person who makes decisions for her life and well-being as she’s growing, like who she’s allowed to have around her. and that does not have to include racist bigots who spit in your face and then call you ungrateful when you stand up for yourself. you’re doing the right thing. many blessings and speedy recovery to you 🩵
Why do conservatives feel like they're entitled to a captive audience no matter what they do? I know in my family my uncle was allowed to freely spout off about "our n-word president" but somehow I was the problem for being upset by it. Also , I really resonate with the thing about families bringing up how much they've done when they want to control you. My entire life was a running tally of what I "owed" people for raising me and somehow whatever they wanted at the moment was "the least you can do". Needless to say I don't talk to any of those fuckers anymore.
They’re emotional parasites. They can’t be empathetic or kind or genuine on their own, so they feed off of the supply you provide by interacting with them.
"Entitled to a captive audience" is a good way to put it
I ... truly did not realize how much I needed to hear a lot of the things you said in here. Especially @34:20 : "choosing your own safety and your own well-being is important ... it's work that's worth doing. So please know that you're not being dramatic, you're not being a baby"
You're not wrong, and this sentiment is something I'd cosign in a minute for anyone else. But it's SO hard to take on for myself. So thank you - so very, very much - for saying it in a way that I could hear today. It means a lot 💜
I recently cut contact with both of my sisters in the span of like a year because they're both abusive and I'm really struggling a lot with the pushback from my other family, thank you for this video
Ugh thank you, Mickey. As a fellow social worker therapist, your voice on this is comforting.
❤
"I don't think you deserve rights, why are you mean to me!!"
Tip in case it gives anyone else a good option, there are "nope i can't" cards that i legit keep in my wallet when i might be entering a gathering that might have convos happening that i need to exit for my mental well being. Hand the person one and walk away. Its light hearted and says what i need them to know. Especially at family gatherings. Not no contact but feels relevant.
That's actually such a good idea!
It helps me to have someone out there who I admire and respect validate the way I feel inside ❤❤
I truly feel you're doing lifesaving work. Taking this video to heart after a disappointing visit home .
I'm not no-contact with my parents by any means, nor do I think that would be the right choice, but I do curate what kinds of contact I have with them. My parents are no longer people I can safely share my inner self with, but I can see them at holidays just fine. I can have game nights with my mom. As long as the activity prevents any deep discussion, we're good. I just don't want to be in a situation that allows me to see the cracks in the facade anymore.
I've stopped putting any energy into my relationship with my father. Or rather, I'm matching his energy, which is very little.
I appreciate you including the low contact stuff. For me, no contact isn’t the right answer, but low contact helps. I deal with issues with my parents both seem to feel a need to “parent” me, even though I’m an adult, and my mom had an issue with asking for opinions and getting mad when they’re given to her and being intentionally hurtful. I know it’s hard to hear criticism from her own kids, but being intentionally hurtful isn’t acceptable. It doesn’t matter what happened. So sometimes, I just need a break from them for a little while.
Even if that parent has been nothing but abusive towards you throughout your childhood and even still into your adult years?
@ no contact isn’t the right answer for me. I respect others doing what is best for them.
Suggestion for future video: Initiating contact again after going no contact
I’m a therapist and person who has been no contact with my family for a while now, and I haven’t seen any discussion on how to revisit those relationships - when they’ve been respectful and the person feels safe to initiate again, ofc.
I used to think “How could anyone go no contact with the people that they love? I love my people so much. I couldn’t imagine it.” Until I had to go no contact with a good friend of mine. I was the only femme-presenting person in my friend group and I got along great with everyone for a long time, except we all grew up and one of them didn’t. It got to the point of where I didn’t feel safe with him anymore.
All of my friends in that group had the same problems with him but I was the one who felt endangered by him. We all went no contact. And now I understand it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done because I truly cared for him. I hope he’s doing well and gets the therapy he needs but I will not be talking to him anymore.
As I was telling my mother I wouldn’t be in further contact with her she told me it was my fault for not teaching her how to have empathy for me. Believe me, I tried, ma’am!
My favorite uncle who helped RAISE me is gay and I found out he’s a Trumper on Thanksgiving. I don’t get it. I’m queer, disabled, and about to graduate college. I’m worried about going to graduate school and whether I’ll be able to be licensed under Trump if he’s hell-bent on not funding schools that uphold the truth. I’m worried about the ADA and the disability community as a whole. I’m worried about my insurance, my income, and the income of my disabled elderly parents.
Leopards eating people's faces party, but also as a trans and pan dude: the cis gay guys are so full of toxic masculinity it'd be hilarious if it wasn't making them even more miserable than the straight cis guys. Basically the logic is:
- they're gay and because of internalized homophobia they still think that being gay threatens their sense of masculinity
- if they're transphobic they're reasserting their masculinity because being trans threatens the cisheteronormativity BS that society told them is what makes someone "normal"
Basically trans people flipping off biological-essentialism-dependent gender roles threatens insecure gay men who really should be going to therapy to figure out the fact masculinity is an innate trait and can't actually be gatekept any more than any other trait, like liking men or detesting the mouthfeel of coconut or having a favorite literary trope.
Politics is more complicated than what you believe. People will have different opinions on different subjects that will inform how they vote in future. Have an actual discussion as to why instead of isolating yourself.
I get the confusion but its more common than youd think. Some people really fail to put two and two together. Others just genuinly believe they wont be impacted!
There is a reason why there is a joke that basically goes
"I voted for the leapord eating faces but I didnt think theyd eat my face!"
"Or the cognitive flexibility right, we talked about this in the fundamentalism video"
😲😲😲WHAT? How did I miss this??
"that cognitive flexibi.. actually no we didn't. That video hasn't come out yet"
Don't do this to me Mickey! My memory is bad enough as it is lmao
That was a good one, though - because they would never 😂
When I was a young adult, my mother still would introduced me as “my daughter” and I often didn’t have a name attached. I was definitely an extension of her. She grew up in a town of 430 people, and everybody kept track of what everybody else did and she spent her life aware that people might be watching her.
I must say that as an adult in my 30s somehow my only sibling and I decided to just be really square and upfront with her about who we were and what we were like and for some reason, our family totally turned around. She is now 90 and we’re close and it’s beautiful. I could not have imagined.
My opinion is if a family member voted for Trump then it is ok to ignore them. This isn’t like one person likes coke and the other Pepsi.
How loving and tolerant of you
@@rhymerlegend2717 no tolerance for the intolerant 👍
@@rhymerlegend2717
Tolerance paradox, my guy.
@@rhymerlegend2717 tolerance is not a moral stance. It's a social contract. We do not have to tolerate their intolerance. We do not have to tolerate disrespect. Disrespectimg other people is a very glaring mark about that person's character. Are you actually here in any good faith or just to be provocative? You might be stuck putting up with other people treating you badly and people pleasing them, but dont get mad when some stand up for themselves and set boundaries.
@ out of my conservative and liberal friends: the conservative ones are more easy going and tolerant than the liberals
At this point, it’s not about politics. It’s about morals and ethics . The betrayal of being raised to care for others and look out for others in need, only to have your parents support a hateful grapist and felon over the promise of concepts of a plan and cheap eggs who will take away my and my son’s rights.
That's because they want you to look out and take care of them when they get so old that they need to be put in a nursing home.
My therapist told me she doesn't support him but thinks Trump loves America and hasn't tried to do anything to hurt the nation so WHEEEEE on the hunt for a new therapist cuz I can't work with someone who is that blind to reality. Ya'll, it's ok to shop around.
Unless a person actively opposes Trump, then they support Trump.
With judgment that flawed, I don't see how she can counsel other people.
I cut my family off over "politics" in 2016. I don't regret it, but I do feel wildly guilty for not "trying harder" to win them over or something.
I don't know what to say tbh. I believe we should try to move everyone we can further left, and I also believe that the people who will be doing the moving aren't going to be my family (as far right as you can possibly get for my entire life).
It's a decision so full of longing and sadness for me, but also total resolve. I don't break bread with fascists. Period.
Anyway, to everybody who's going through it this time around, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say there were better options than this, but it's been eight years and I haven't found any yet. 💜😓
My husband is desperately trying to get my family to change. Which I get--he's been much closer to his family than I've ever been. But I think after seeing how badly his brother reacted to me finally telling him how unsafe I feel around conservatives (essentially going low contact with us) I think he's starting to understand why I, at least, can't do the work anymore. People have to be willing to at least accept that your fear and pain is real before they can grapple how their political party has caused it, and to do that they have to admit that's partially the consequences of their own actions... And that's hard, I have some amount of compassion for it, but I'm slowly accepting that's not the work I can do anymore.
While your feelings of guilt are understandable, they’re not deserved. There’s no way to “win them over” because Trump voters live in an alternate reality that’s completely impenetrable.
There are no combination of words, sound arguments, or substantive evidence that would help Trump voters to see reason and snap out of it. When Trumpers encounter evidence that their MAGA delusions are false, they simply deny, lie, and rationalize. There’s no way to overcome that.
MAGA will snap out of it when they decide to do so and not one moment before that. Trying to “win them over” is wasted effort. The rest of us should be directing our energy towards connecting with and motivating the people who were too demoralized, disconnected, and/or disaffected to bother voting. We can reach them and we need to do it. Now.
@@BrightBlueInk You’re spot on. Trump voters live in an alternate reality that’s impenetrable. When Trumpers encounter evidence that their MAGA delusions are false, they deny, lie, and rationalize. That cannot be overcome.
Trump voters will snap out of it when they want to and not a moment sooner. Trying to “win them over” is a waste of effort that we should be expending elsewhere.
We should be pouring our energy into connecting with the people who were too demoralized, disconnected, and/or disaffected to bother voting. Those people _can_ be reached and we need them standing with us.
My husband and I have tried talking to his maga relatives on limited topics where we thought we could get through to them, but they are determined not to hear anything factual. I really don't understand why they even want to see us if they think we are "vermin" and "radical left wing thugs".
Several years ago, right before Jan. 6 actually, I was talking with a coworker about the upcoming violence and fear I had for our country. I remember saying to her, we have a schism in reality. We have some people who hold views that are simply incompatible with reality. As you say, if someone believes that another person's mere existence is a "sin" that needs to be "eradicated," well, those views are incompatible. Conflict is the only option. We can't tolerate people who don't think others are people. And I know we're all soft, anti-violence, mamby pamby liberals here, I get it. But if we do not defend ourselves, these MAGA folk WILL eradicate us. We need to start defending ourselves NOW.
“Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words, or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” (Frederick Douglass)
MICKEY!!!!!!! This video was *chef's kiss* PERFECT! It was so well stated, so well organized, and so hopeful in its messaging.
I forget that I am nearly a decade older than you because you have such emotional maturity and do such a great job on this channel. I remember when I first found you- you were drinking wine and saying the eff word and I thought "oh hell yes I want to know her" 😂
Anyway, I went through the no contact phase with my parents back in 2015. They learned the difficult lesson that no matter what they do- including STEALING FROM ME things I needed to run my business in order to get my attention, I wasn't going to budge in my boundaries.
I had to literally move States to feel safe from my family, but I'm in a place now where I look forward to visiting my parents and younger brother.
I am most likely permanently no contact with my older brother. A year ago Thanksgiving day he kicked my elderly service dog. I grabbed my shit and drove 300 miles home, barefoot, in the dark, to get my dog safe.
I refused to go to family Christmas last year, and I texted my ENTIRE extended family to let them know what my asshole brother did. I wound up not going bc my mom made a fuss about me wanting to make sure my brother was not there when I was (I was not saying he couldn't come. I was asking to either come early and leave early to avoid him OR come after he leaves).
This year I have a feeling my mom will not make a fuss. Past experience tells me she wants to see me badly enough that she will be willing to accommodate a reasonable request from me.
Either I remember you posting from last year or someone else had the same thing happen. I'm glad you're having success with your boundaries!
@TiredKnitter might've been me! I'm not shy about exposing my parents disgusting behavior. It embarrasses them when I do, but gee maybe don't act that way 🤣
@@brittanywilcox7377 totally fair! It's your experience to share or not as you need to.
I went NC with Trump voting friends and family back in 2016. It improved my life in every possible way. I ended up finding a much better friend group and found family that actually share my values.
I had to temporarily go no contact with my dad and siblings after I got top surgery because they had a lot of big feelings about it. I wrote my dad a 5 page letter which I sent via snail mail explaining my choices and the fact that I had community around me that supported my decision. The first week, I was a wreck. I felt guilty and was engaging in self destructive behaviors. Everything hurt and I felt like my world was ending. Even though I had a support system, the idea that I could be losing my siblings forever was more than I could handle. Eventually things cooled down enough that I can have a somewhat distant relationship with them, but it's still really hard and I continue to engage with them despite being continually deadnamed and misgendered. It hurts, but it's the price I'm willing to pay to have a relationship with my siblings.
Don’t take your dad for granted. I don’t have my dad anymore.
@@rhymerlegend2717 Obvious troll is obvious
@@user-mv5zt8qd9l I’m not being a troll right now. As someone who would give ANYTHING for just one more moment with my dad; don’t take them for granted
@rhymerlegend2717 I am really sorry that you miss your dad. However, I just want to be clear that you not having your dad is not a reason for you to shame anyone about not having a good relationship with their parents. My dad has been physically and verbally abusive. It's a miracle that I'm even still talking to him, but that is irrelevant. Not everyone can have safe relationships with their families and that is fundamentally what this episode is about.
@@liamdesemple4245I’m really impressed by your response to that comment about not taking your dad for granted. I would have blown up at them, but your comment does such a good job of articulating why what they said was inappropriate
I have gone practically no contact with a family member. I don't reach out to her. What hurts the most, I think, is that she hasn't seemed to notice or care.
“You do not value my safety.” This. *Shit* Six words encapsulating almost 40 years of 3 major relationships in my life.
None of us now how to swim and yet I’m the problem for deciding to start flailing my limbs away from them. Yeah I may drown over here on my own but I’ll certainly drown if I cling to you and you to me.
Why is that so hard to understand?
Would love to see/hear your thoughts on the dealing with poor parental boundaries and emotional ince$t, I've had such a hard time finding resources on this.
seconding this
Third-ing this, please
15:51 yes please! This is one of the major things I've been struggling with as of late
People should stop saying "family is everything." When someone starts to abuse me, they stop being my family.
All of the people talking about not letting politics ruin relationships are the ones who display the lowest empathy out of all the people I know. If you didn’t want people to cut you off, maybe don’t vote against their rights to live
That attitude makes me think that those folks are getting off light not having you in their lives. I wouldn't personally care to spend time around people that judgmental. Especially with both major party candidates were so horrible. If these people weren't so insufferable that they needed a boundary before the election, they aren't after the election either. This is a bunch of self-entitlement that won't lead to improvements in the future.
Don’t talk to me about empathy. I voted for Trump. I the empathy I have sometimes is overwhelming to the point I have to shut it off or it consumes me. You don’t understand anyone’s heart but your own. You don’t get to judge
@@rhymerlegend2717if you claim to have that much empathy for people but voted for trump, you are severely misinformed on what he and the Republican party have done and will do to americans, and/or you don't care
@@anx1ety_prime Correct. These two have commented multiple times demonstrating that they haven’t watched the video, nor do they probably care about the content that Mickey crafts in general. There’s probably some shame and uncomfortable feelings that they can’t deal with and need to feel better about themselves by commenting on here.
@@anx1ety_prime i already explained myself to you. If you’re this shallow you can’t be helped
I needed this so much. Thank you for all that you do. Had to start low contact with the out that if my boundaries are not respected, it will become no contact. My family's political views shocked me with this election. You have also convinced me to finally take the initiative to find a therapist. I'm reaching out to one this week using your resources ❤
Also, I feel like we enable trump voters when they continue to benefit from our warmth, our friendship, our love, and our kindness. Actions have consequences.
THIS
What warmth, love and kindness are you talking about? Maybe that's you or someone you know but I've never seen that. I've witnessed and experienced a lot of hostility and abusive behavior from such people on the other side of the fence. And I'm not on either of those sides, I'm from a different background.
@@anewagora This topic is about people going ‘no/low contact’ with their own family member(s) and/or personal friend(s). Don’t derail.
@alexwyatt2911 how was I not on topic?
@@anewagora You’re asking people to ‘prove’ they’re warm, loving, and kind to their friends and family. You’re just manufacturing a way to criticize and complain. Just leave.
i’ve been mourning my grandparents since 2016 when they voted for him the first time. they’ve only grown more and more hateful. it’s so hard to watch. and they get mad and ask why we never go over to see them anymore and i don’t know how to tell them it’s because i am so sick and tired of their hatred.
I have a father in law like this who used to be easygoing and happy and now he's always angry and ultra political. I wonder if it would help to tell them "you seem angry all of the time, and that's hard to be around"? I don't know. 😑
I had to break up with my therapist over her vote.
You shouldn't have been talking about that, it's not something that should be coming into therapy sessions how the therapist is voting.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade see the thing is, if you’re someone who’s marginalized and/or one of the people targeted by trumps policies and your therapist basically voted against basically your existence and autonomy, then it’s probably not meant to be/not a compatible therapist.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade why?
You're not the only one -- I saw a whole video of people doing that
@@amberinthemist7912😊That Brigade person is running up and down the thread trolling
In the grand scheme of life... It is short and at the end of the day, protecting our peace is the bare minimum of selfcare. Do not punish yourselves for poor behaviors others do not care to acknowledge or change by forcing a relationship that is harming you.
I went no contact with my only sibling this year, well before the election, when he told me he was voting for 45 and could not be convinced otherwise. I didn't argue with him or go into detail, just said "Ok cool we're done, goodbye" and then blocked his phone number and all the ways we were linked on social media. There's no point in arguing with these people. They've made their choices and they can live with them.
You’re an intolerant hateful bigot
@@rhymerlegend2717cope and cry, but weren’t not putting up with your delusions, hate towards us, and bullying disguised as “patriotism”.
The right has been pushing the left away for decades, and now that we’re just doing the same, you snowflakes are crying about it? 😆😆😆
Just proves why we’re justified. Don’t try sitting at my table, thanks. 😘
Yes please for a video on emotional incest and poor parental boundaries!
In my experience, "I feel x when you do y" doesn't actually work that well with some people. Some have a pattern of turning the conversation around to discuss how I can not feel x when they do y instead of discussing the fact that y has an adverse effect and discussing them doing z or q instead.
This is often a control strategy, in which the person is avoiding conversations they don't WANT to have.
Sometimes, though, especially where particular mental illnesses are a factor or if the person is chronically in physically or mentally and therefore just is very short on spoons, they are trying not to have a conversation that they don't have the energy for -- and they don't feel safe to just say that they don't have energy for that conversation.
And sometimes certain types of linguistic rigidity (from some presentations of trauma response and/or neurodivergence) may mean the person honestly thinks the topic of the conversation is your feeling, because that is where you started.
I guess I have dealt with an unusually high percentage of people who fall into the above categories; I think I statements have worked well for me with like 2 people in 30 years.
I had someone straight out tell me that he didn't care about how he made me feel.
I haven't seen him since 1993 😊
@@nobody8328 well, at least he was honest. That makes it an easier decision.
Stranded across the country with my partner who ignored boundaries to indulge my parents. I want to go home and I’m stuck here
That sounds absolutely horrifying
@ it was. My relationship with my father almost ended and my relationship with my partner of almost 4 years was so strained I don’t know if we’ll stay together when we get home. A whole family nearly destroyed because people couldn’t keep their mouths shut
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Could you make a video about aging parents? Not even necessarily about having to physically care for them, but witnessing their cognitive decline. Them becoming more isolated and sorta inflexible and dissatisfied with their life. I'm having more arguments with my mum because of miscommunication and it's also just scary to slowly lose someone so seemingly perpetually youthful and healthy to old age, eventual disability and death.
I thought I'm the only one having such worries but recently a band I like released a song about realizing that once parent's aren'r going to live forever, so yeah I guess their are more people struggling with that. Maybe it's also worth to touch on parents being undiagnosed neurodivergent. Having the expectations of parents not having mental health issues, after growing up during a time where mental health was heavily stigmatized isn't very helpful I think.
I have a lot of trouble as a white woman figuring out the right boundaries. I think my family might respect "no political discussion" as a boundary, but does that implicitly enable the harmful beliefs? On the other hand I know I won't be able to change their beliefs (I've tried.) It's messy.
What I'd say is that it really depends on you and the people you're interacting with. If you collectively can talk about such things and agree to disagree if things start to get overheated, then it's better talk politics, otherwise, it might be better off to agree not to talk about such things as nobody is going to be changing their opinions if facts indicate a change is in order.
Honestly, if you have already challenged their bigoted beliefs again and again I don't think continuing the relationship alone means that you're enabling them. In this situation, I believe your decision should depend upon whether they are safe for you to be around.
I'm also white so I get that I have a lot of privilege in saying this, if any poc person thinks I'm off base please let me know.
This is coming from someone whose mom and extended family have homophobic and transphobic beliefs due to religion. Sometimes it's hard to know when you should speak up or not.
@@someone4585 yeah, what I've settled on is making a donation to an org that supports any group that would be hurt by beliefs my family voices (so, like, if they're being gross about homelessness I donate to an org supporting that population.) It's not perfect but it feels like the most effective way to counter the harm
It is very hard for sure, I’m an autistic woman and my grandma and my dad of all people voted for Trump and I’m very sad about it, I don’t have the heart to go no contact with them because they do really help me through life, I am going back to therapy and it’ll be a topic I’ll be talking about
When people say, "I voted for Trump, BUT I'M NOT A BAD PERSON!!" they are admitting that Trump IS a bad person and that his win is going to do tremendous harm, but they voted for him anyway.
Weirdly, when I decided to go no-contact, the therapist I was seeing kept pushing back on my decision. But it was that decision that finally allowed me to start healing.
I think it's also important for people to understand that if they _don't_ go no contact with Trump-voting friends and family, that can be okay too. Not everyone is in a position to go no-contact, particularly if they're a minor or otherwise not financially independent. Likewise, if someone relies on a Trump-voting spouse or caretaker to survive, it's okay not to cut off that person. If you have a partner who voted for Trump, it's probably a terrible shock and disappointment, but you may feel that you can help your partner gain a better understanding of their choice.
For even more people, particularly those who are less vulnerable under Trump (I'm looking at you white, financially secure, Christian, American-born, cishet men out there), it may still be safe to maintain relationships with Trump voters, either because you think you can deradicalize them or because you can be the one to simply push back against Trump propaganda.
I don't want people to feel bad for maintaining relationships with Trump voters. We don't all have the freedom to cut those people off, and in some cases, we just don't need to.
(And to clarify, I'm not going no-contact with any friends or family now because I already cut out those folks years ago. I don't feel like I'd have the strength to maintain a relationship in order to deradicalize them, but I admire people who do. Deradicalization _only_ works through personal relationships.)
I asked my family who voted for Trump what am I going to do if he takes my rights away as a gay man (like a Supreme Court judge threatened they would do) along with dismantling the rights of trans people, and they just said “you’ll get your rights back in 4 years” 🙃 maybe, maybe not but what you won’t get back in 4 years is your sons love.
I chose low-contact, and of course it is perceived as “sour grapes” because they project their own emotional immaturity onto people with empathy. They also think they’re good Christians, proving that irony is dead.
I am going the low contact route with a few friends who voted Trump (one of whom used to be a very close friend, but that changed during this election cycle). I think it’s important to maintain those connections to prevent them from becoming further radicalized, but I’ve realized that it’s not worth my peace of mind to spend any more time with them than what I am comfortable. I’m getting better at saying no, speaking up when I disagree, and limiting how close I allow myself to get with them. I still feel tinges of guilt for keeping them at arm’s length though, and the part of the video about feeling like the same organism definitely resonated.
Oh my God that opening line hit the nail on the head with my mom's reaction to me saying I won't attend thanksgiving
Using "I feel" statements around my parents who have been to therapy and listen to too many conservative podcasts mean that they just undermine what I'm trying to tell them by saying "well, i know you feel that way, but its not real." I've been low contact for a while, I haven't wanted to go no contact because the rest of my family also can't help being related to them, but I don't know what else to do.
It's hard to use that technique on people who simply aren't going to respect how you feel
Yeah, I wouldn't use "I feel" statements with our family - I would prefer to say, "We can't have a conversation if we can't agree on basic facts and reality."
omg please do make a video about healing from bad parenting and poor parent boundaries!
Downloaded dipsea bc of you. I didn't know such a thing existed. It's exactly what I've been looking for
Thank you for talking about low contact situations. Family has always been a major point in my life and I've truly dreaded the thought of cutting them off completely during holidays this year. At the same time its not bad enough to make me unsafe in the group. So, I've been at a loss of what to do about it.
As someone who went No Contact with my father since about 2 years ago, this video was very helpful to watch. It was very helpful to me to hear that one *does not have to* explain or justify themselves for going Low/No Contact.
thank you for pointing out, that kids are not supposed to gentle parent their lit. Parents! I heard it soo many times "I know, theire abusive, but we are working on it and they are better now".... F that. If your parent hurts you (emotionally or physically) then you are not responsible... if ppl in your livw are not good for, then they dont belong in your live!
Support! 🎉🎉🎉 I truley love you and I am so grateful you are dipping into this subject. ❤ It affects us all deeply.
YES PLEASE video on healing from parental bullshit and emotional incest and all of the things
I've gone no contact for reasons other than politics, and I constantly question whether it makes me a bad or immature person - I definitely needed this video. I would like to mention this in case others need it: going no contact is often portrayed as a child-parent thing, but sometimes it's siblings or other family members. I say this as a twin who has been no contact with their twin for over a decade.
It might be too specific, but I'd love to see some kind of professional look at the type of behavior I experienced, where being "her sister" meant I couldn't be "me" (ie having my own opinions and wants) without severely upsetting her and causing a fight.
13:53 I see you've met my mother. That's always how any attempts to communicate with her end.
I have been NC with my parents for a while but this still was helpful because in those moments when I'm by myself I need that reminder that I did that to keep myself safe ❤
I have unfortunately had to cut ties with some people. Your point at the end, though, that it doesn't always necessarily have to be permanent, is valid. I have a friend who is extremely blunt and sort of instinctively argumentative, and I did take a huge step back from him at one point a few years ago, needing a break. I did call it a break, not a total end to the friendship. And we both work harder now at understanding each other AND ourselves, making sure, both of us, that we take greater care not to be unintentionally hurtful or unkind to the other. We communicate really well these days. But, this friend is the exception, and the temporary break was not from something as serious as being cool with institutional harm coming to anyone.
So, if anyone is hoping for some kind of change in a relationship without ending, it's really difficult, but it can sometimes be done. Take care of yourselves.
I have a couple of thoughts. One I agree with almost everything you said, and you are an excellent communicator. Do you enjoy being a walking stereotype of what Trump supporters make fun of all of us for being? You are an educated, intelligent, green haired, big girl, and a liberal Working in a social science,. You are everything they use to put us down. I kind of love you for that. God there needs to be more of you! I’m not being sarcastic. I am being genuine and I want you to know I am liking and subscribing.
I’m so lucky and glad my families morals and values and political beliefs have always aligned with mine. My poor mom was so upset about this election she couldn’t even discuss it with me for about a week after. It was so upsetting we avoided talking about it altogether for a short amount of time to focus on just taking care ourselves, and taking a breather before we began processing and unpacking our feelings and thoughts and preparing for the next four years after the election. My mom is right there with me. I couldn’t imagine the grief of not only these election results, but a family who directly contributed to it and doesn’t understand why you’re upset about it. My heart goes out to anyone going through that with their family 🫶🏻
yes plz to the emotional inc3st video. thank you for this great video!
I really do enjoy Mickey's videos, I learn so much. I would, however, suggest making a video on psychological and emotional harm in depth in the future because I strongly suspect MANY PEOPLE do not know or are willfully ignorant of these things.
Dang, from the title I thought this would be an enlightening video but listening to Mickey it's like she's got the nuance of all my questions figured out already. Ha, ha! I love how you're able to breakdown these complicated emotional landscapes into understandable pieces.
I've had to go no-contact recently, politics were part of it though not election-related. I don't regret my decision and have even considered I should've gone no-contact sooner. But, I have wondered if I could've communicated better why I wanted to go no-contact. So I really appreciate what you've said about not owing an explanation.
When I think back to our last conversation, there wasn't room for me to explain fully why I didn't feel safe. And I need to give myself grace that I had to focus on communicating that I needed distance and for that distance to be respected.
On living with someone we want to go no-contact with: I get the main floor during the day. My mother-in-law gets the main floor at night. Sometimes we will both be downstairs between like 4 and 6 PM or I will be walking through that space to let the dogs out at night, and occasionally she will ask me a question on my way back from the bathroom (which I hate). MOSTLY this works.
Great suggestions!! Thank you so much!!!