3 things to NEVER do with your loved one with dementia
Вставка
- Опубліковано 17 чер 2017
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
Today’s video is all about the 3 things to avoid doing with your loved one at all costs. It will make you less stressed and less frustrated. PLUS, it will make your loved one with dementia less likely to become agitated and irritable.
______________
FREE Resource:
📺 Get Access to A FREE Dementia Caregiver Training on How to Change Difficult Dementia Related Behaviors: www.dementiacareclass.com/beh...
______________
CHECK OUT MY POPULAR PLAYLISTS
Managing Stress and Burnout: • DEMENTIA SELF-CARE AND...
Dealing with Challenging Behaviors:
• DIFFICULT DEMENTIA BEH...
______________
OTHER VIDEOS MENTIONED IN THIS VIDEO:
Find out: "why you should lie to your loved one with dementia"
• Why it's okay to lie t...
__
In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacaregiver
Join our empowering Change Maker Community! Dive into discussions on navigating tough situations with a supportive network. Let's tackle challenges together at www.dementiacareclass.com/change
I'm a caregiver in an aged care facility. After decades working in corporate communications, sitting at a computer all day with zero job satisfaction, I CHOSE this work as I've always had an affinity with the elderly and needed to do something real that truly mattered. Working with people with dementia at all stages is so incredibly rewarding for me. I also get to be creative and 'play act' when participating with my clients delusions. And the relief they exhibit when I'm able to solve their problem (imaginary but very real to them) is wonderful. To see the agitation and stress leave them once I've managed to 'get the horse on the trailer' or ''get the burglar arrested' is wonderful. One client is stuck in a loop of waiting for a taxi to take her to the airport, so every day I tell her that unfortunately her flight has been canceled but we have a lovely room for her free of charge and it even comes with a complimentary breakfast 😉. She heaves a big sigh of relief and gratitude and for a while is content rather than distressed. Each work shift brings priceless moments for me personally and I love it when I get a lucid response from someone who is usually 'not there' - the song 'how much is that doggie in the window' always gets a 'woof woof'! It's a ghastly disease and especially distressing for the family to witness their loved one gradually disappear and become someone they don't recognise. Much love to all who are on this journey xo
💜 ♡ 💜 ♡ 💜 ♡ 💜 ♡ 💜
Thank you for taking time to write all that!
We need more people like you in elder facilities. Thank you for your kindness.
You’re a peach!💖
Thank you for sharing your experiences and ideas. God bless you!
Love how you care ❤
My mother had Parkinson’s and related dementia...I became the queen of improvisation! What ever my mom tossed our there is what I ran with....I saw so many people at the nursing home arguing and trying to reason with their loved ones....more often than not the stuff my mom came up with was hilarious ...I never laughed at her in a way that would embarrass her but I would be howling on the inside. I would just try and jump in the conversation and be in her world and reality .....an example, one day I was leaving the nursing home after my second visit of the day. As I approached the door she said to me “ well you know I’ve been shot”....I turned back and said to her “ oh mother I am so sorry I did not know you had been shot,when did it happen?” She replied “ well one day the neighbors were shooting at your father and I took a bullet to my arm.” I said to her that was really awful and again I was so sorry that she had been shot. She then told me as she pulled up her sleeve and pointed to a place on her arm that she had taken a bullet to her there too but she thought it was gonna work it’s way out. I told her how happy I was that the second bullet was not going to have to be removed surgically because that would be a real hassle and painful and she agreed and was satisfied. Mush easier experience than saying no you have not been shot! She seemed to have enjoyed telling the story too. I was dying laughing on the inside. One day she told me my brother was at dining room at lunch . He had been dead a number of years....I promptly asked her where was he now because he owed me 20 dollars and I really could use the cash. She said she didn’t know but he had on an izod shirt. This is really good info. Good luck to all y’all out there dealing with this ...remember ..one day at a time.
Thank you Suzanne! You are a very wise hoot!! If you start your own advice book or video please let me know. I’m going to need all the advice and laughs I can find as my mother has dementia and I am her caregiver. God bless you for brightening my day with laughter.
Love your attitude!
How did your father even get in a shooting with your neighbours anyway?
Hi susanne Gailey. Thankyou so much for your lovely message. What a lovely understanding lady, you are.
My replies aren’t that fast. My Mom comes up with some doozies.
I lost my father to Lewy Body Dementia. I was astounded at the way my father was treated and spoken to by my siblings. My father was a gentleman and remained so through his sickness. He showed no signs of hostility or anger and was really quite entertaining during his decline. I am no expert but it didn't take long to see that my siblings speaking like he wasn't there or constantly yelling at him like he could control his memory, wasn't having a positive effect for anybody. I ended up moving in with him temporarily as a caretaker and enjoyed the time spent in his past life. When he was in his early teens, I just engaged him in conversation of his address and what he liked to do. It was an incredibly sad yet positive experience for me and a non-confrontational one for him. We had a great time and I saw a side of him I never knew. Please treat your affected relatives with the respect they deserve. Their mindset is not theirs to control. They are still a person and one that can feel the harshness of unkind words. Patience!
Thank you for sharing this. It is so very, incredibly important.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I am currently going through this with my Dad, its so hard and I need to talk to someone who understands, can you please help? Xx
That's a tragic story but one that can benefit the rest of us. Thank you for sharing
@@danzig159 If your mom has dementia, she may not be able to remember to take meds or pay on time (or at all). And while it may be trying your patience, losing patience with her may augment problems for both of you.
@@bordeauxhouse Thanks, I'm reaching out to a lot of groups and different people for support, I can't just leave my mom or get mad at her. I have to do the right thing by her and get proper help and learn to properly care for a person in her situation. The more I talk to people, the stronger and better able to give my mom what she needs I will be.
I was working as private Caregiver, specially trained in Alzheimer's and Dementia Care. I had to quit my job and get a bigger place so my boyfriend and I could move in together to care for my own mother with Dementia.
I had a baby monitor so I could hear if she needed help in the night. I heard her get up, lights were on and I got up to find her dressed looking for her suitcase. When I asked what she was doing she said that her sister and her sister's husband were picking her up and they were driving back to San Diego(we were living in Texas). I said, "Mama, I'll stay up and let them in. You go back to sleep. In the morning I'll make waffles for everyone." She was thrilled, and went back to bed.
Nothing was mentioned the following morning of course.
Perfect!! I had a very hard time doing this with my Father in Law with dimentia. I would correct and reason with him and make things worse because his brain told him his thoughts were the facts of what was going to happen. Then he'd be upset and couldn't go back to sleep. Yes, you have to learn to lie in their best interest. That was hard for me.
Another tip: do not play guessing games like asking them "Do you know who I am?" That only frustrates and embarrasses them. Always just introduce yourself and others as you approach. You can see the relief in their faces when you do.
nula678 absolutely! A wonderful tip!
A true story I find such a laugh. One of our Prime Ministers once visited an old folks home and in a patronising tone asked one of the residents "Do you know who I am?" The reply was " No, but if you ask Matron I am sure she'll tell you!!"
What you said is so right. My stupid brother does this to my Mom and I some of my relatives do as well. They think people with dementia have no more feelings, which is so rude and so stupid.
thanks
@@amyhoang9140 jesus, I have same issues with my sister and other relatives, they just don't get it. frustrating
Losing my mom to dementia was the most devastating thing in my life. God bless all who are suffering.
Sorry to hear that.I'm going through right now with my Mom.
Pat Byrne, my deepest sympathy and compassion to you.
I’m going through this with my own Mother now. My sister n I are the main caregivers. We are blessed to have the means to do this.
Thank you for sharing your Mom with us. 💝
I hope you find peace with your Mothers passing. 💝🌍💝
Sorry for your loss. I’m dealing with my dad now and it’s extremely difficult.
I'm so sorry for your loss... I know that sounds cliche but I truly am so sorry because I cannot imagine the pain that you went through. I know that this will be something I have to face some day and only those who have been through this kind of daily walk with a loved one with dementia will truly understand why it is called the slow goodbye...
Clare Logue it’s so difficult, I care for my grandma and I hate to admit that I don’t care for her as much as I used to, in the sense of love,,,I feel like I don't love her anymore and it’s hard to admit that
It’s so extremely hard
My grandma had Alzheimer's from age 75ish to her death at 85. She refused to retire and when forced to, it infuriated her. She would clean and work around the house repeatedly all day, and break out and wonder into the woods. In the last few months of her life her mind had become a complete void and she stayed in bed, her hands and face became soft for the first time since she was a little kid. I miss her, she worked harder than anyone else I know. Those last 10 years were very hard to watch.
So sad x
I cared for my grandmother for many years before she passed away from Alzheimer's and extreme old age while in hospital care. It was terrible watching her fade away inch by inch for days, years. I loved her very much. She still remembered who I was. I would like to think I've gotten over it, but it truly wiped me out emotionally, physically, and financially. I miss her. Both my parents passed away before she did. I know how very hard it is to be a caregiver for a loved one. I try not to let it get to me, and mostly I've moved on, but it changed me. I don't think we can cure or reverse all the effects of aging, bt I wish we had a way to minimize the mental decline. My heart goes out to those dealing with this.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. I appreciate that you highlighted that being a caregiver does not necessarily stop when your LOWD is no longer here, it can become a part of how you see yourself and we can also grieve that as well. I wish you all the best in this season of life.
How to act when a.dementia patient becomes violent.
@@DementiaCareblazers 9k
Big hugs to you, Ben. Best wishes for a peaceful heart. What you went through is terribly difficult and heartrending.
Never talk about the dementia patient as if they are not there, try not to get upset or raise your voice if talking to others in the room they can pick up on that anxiety or anger and start acting out, never ignore modesty, a dementia patient may still feel uncomfortable bathing, getting dressed etc in front of others. Never parrot commands over and over, get up, its time to get up, dont u want to get up, it is very confusing to him/her. Never scold a dementia patient. Bottom line put yourself in their shoes, how would you want someone to care for you. Compassion, caring, being kind and understanding. Thats the ticket. ❤
You got it, Devon! Beautifully said! 💕
It's not about winning. Try to resist being right. Adjust to their patterns.
YESSSS! Keep up the great work, Careblazer!
@@jennyperrio4887 asked, How do you forgive? The answer: You say it out loud! We are all sinners. We all need more Jesus. The Lord's Prayer says "forgive us, as we forgive others". Then, you refuse to dwell on the past neglect, but when you realize you are, anyway, say it out loud: "I forgive you, mother!" As often as needed, until it becomes your reality. It will change you world!
@@jennyperrio4887 I'm sorry. I thought you were asking sincerely. I can offer you refreshment, but I can't make you drink it. What have you got to lose? And you would gain so much. I'm praying for you.
Does this we we change who we r ?? Yes if u follow this.
@@ween659 I neither need or want prayers from a do gooder You're only interested in praise I'm now alone What help now none
My uncle was in my care after his wife passed away. His favorite story was when he hitchhiked from Oklahoma to Los Angeles with a friend right out of high school. In his mind I was that friend even though I would have been two years old at the time. After correcting him several times I decided to just go with the flow and I heard some amazing stories of “our” adventure. The stories were often repeated and I enjoyed them and remember them fondly.
Thankyou for sharin.
What a joy that would be. My son has Early On-set and has aphasia so he can't find his words and express himself. It's gradually gotten worse. Would love to have conversation with him - you were blessed!
This reminds me of a patient I had several years ago. I work as an ER doc. I went into a room with a women who had dementia. Her family brought her in for some reason I can’t remember. We were busy and it took a while for me to get to her. When I got there, I introduced myself. She responded by chastising me about missing MY party. I realized she was “stuck” at a specific time in her life. I spent a few minutes with her “at the party” and got as much as much information as I could about her symptoms. The family was furious. They wanted me “to correct her”. I’ve seen demented patients who were fearful. I’ve seen demented patients who were aggressive. I told this family that their family member was at a party and they should be happy that she wasn’t stuck in some situation that was uncomfortable for her.
@Cindy , this scares me . 60 now had 1st Tbi in 71 more since . Gonna be tough later ?
I understated and respect your perspective as a doctor, but living with that person is a whole other event. It's easier said than done to just except the fact that your loved one is mentally struck somewhere, and u have to find a way to keep your sanity while trying to meet them where they are as well. Watching a loved ones mind deteriorate in front of u is heartbreaking and soul crushing.
@@simplysarell1720 My husband has dementia and replays different times in his life. I just go along and don't correct him. Tonight he said he doesn't know where he is:(
@@chrisandjuliej He loves you more than he'll ever be able to express
my mommy has a dementia she was 78 turning 79 nxt yr. i'm sad bec. i saw her struggling everyday of her life , change her mentally , physically , and emotionally. i love my mommy and i'll always pray to god to give me strength for my mommy bec. she is all i have and i hope someday she will remember me as her daughter.......love you mommy , i miss you so much!!!
"It's not about making sense in your world, it's about making sense in their world." This one sentence rings so true with me. I will absolutely be keeping this in mind as I deal with my Mom who is in the moderate stages of vascular dementia. Thank you so much for making this video. It helped me immensely.
Jennifer Gray, I'm so glad this video helped you!
Jennifer Gray i
Thanks so much, it has been a challenging journey. This series of videos help guide me 🙏 remind me of the song ‘ he’s my brother, he aren’t heavy ‘ - I will do my best to make sense of my mum’s world ☺️
OMG all is this is so true thank you for your video
Thank-you Jen unfortunately some of these techniques are being applied and used on individuals that do not have Alzheimer's. Great,info Serious business 👍
Thank you. My husband had severe vascular dementia resulting from a stroke. He passed away four years ago. Some things I did well, and others I didn't. I hope this helps people still in the caregiving stages. Living with dementia is so hard, and living with someone who has dementia is equally hard. I love him now and I loved him then.
Thankyou, I'm glad you find it helpful!
When my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s I got a book for my mom “When the day has 36 Hours”, at first my mom was in denial, but soon she had to accept it and the book was very helpful for her. She was an amazing caregiver for my dad for five years, day and night in their home. What a blessing for my dad (he even died in her arms, she singing to him lullabies, he passed peacefully) and for her, a challenge of love and patience but very rewarding, and for her children an example of what real love is all about. She passed peacefully seven years later in my house. 🙏♥️🙏
Wonderful stories. Thank you for sharing. Your parents were blessed with their children. I'm going to guess it was a return for excellent parenting skills. God bless you.
You touched my heart ♥️ my husband died in my arms peacefully also, now I’m married again, and I am learning how to treat him forgetting things and accusing me for things he does I use to get mad but watching videos about dementia I think he has that problem and he don’t even know , what is your advise?please
What makes this so hard for me is that my mom is a narcissist, and I’ve grown up being gaslit by her. It’s tough trying to takes these tips without feeling like I’m accepting my defeat, all because she can “get away with it” now that she doesn’t realize she’s doing it even more.
I’m in the same situation…. And it’s hard for others to understand. The gaslighting is real, and it’s still manipulative.
Understood, but you are the adult now, and it's (still) not about you. Bless you.
That sounds really difficult. Having experienced some similar heartache at a much younger age than I am now, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I've learned. I mattered; my time, life and emotions but the trauma doesn't go away by "moving on." I lost myself in the care of my mother to the detriment of myself and my child. Please make sure you are getting what you need with time away to experience life, a good therapist to help you process all of this and lots of good self care every single day. Wishing you both nothing but love and respect
@@pettytoni1955Children of narcissistic parents experience massive manipulation and trauma. I agree it's important to treat dementia patients with kindness and dignity, but the way your response is written sounds like you're telling the victim to "just get over it" which is neither good for the victim or the patient in this scenario imo.
God bless you. My son is a narcissist. Hope things are improving with tips from Careblazers.
"It's not about making sense in YOUR world, but making sense in THEIR world."
That's a great adage to be applied for dementia 👍🏼
Thanks for your support and help, I find your words very comforting, as I am in the early stages of dementia myself. One of my daughters does those things you spoke about in your programme. I know she loves me and gets upset when she upsets me by frequently telling me I'm wrong about things, present or past, so I try to say as little as possible and agree with whatever she says, makes me feel like an idiot. My other two daughters treat me in a very normal way and we can have discussions on many matters. I know I'm not stupid, but I also know I can be quite forgetful, especially when trying to explain something but am unable to remember the word I'm looking for. My one hope is that I won't end up in a nursing home, something l dread. I hope I will have left the world by that stage. Thank you so much for allowing me this time to say how I feel, and thank you for this opportunity. Sincerely,
Miriam
Miriam, thank you for sharing this
Stay strong!
Miriam Ffitzpatrick , I hope you are well. Thank you for sharing your story. Much appreciated
Thank you for sharing this with us 💖💖💖💖
My mother is 69 years old. To hear you dhare about how your one daughter continues to argue with you about being you being wrong or forgetful helps me realize that I do that with my mom. 😞 She has not told me how it makes her feel, she will just agree with me and say, "I think it is my dementia". I will refrain from saying things like that to her, breaks my heart to know that I could be causing her some small heart ache. I wish you well and I am thankful you shared your thoughts with us. 🙏🏽
So my mother has been diagnosed with dementia almost 7 yrs ago. Unable to give the proper care at home she now resides in a nursing home. Due to the pandemic we are no longer able to visit face to face. This has made missing her that much harder. Anybody else who is dealing with this I pray for Patience, Grace and,, Strength .✌
God bless your family
That would be really hard
I wonder if your mother has survived this pandemic isolation. Just as businesses were opening, our gov mandates more isolation. Hope you have kept your love and devotion with mother and extended family.
Unfortunately, my Mother passed away on Christmas Eve. 😞 God bless to All families who have experienced or are experiencing Dementia/Alzheimer's🙏
When I worked as a caregiver for dementia residents, I got two kinds of paychecks. One was the money, and two was a big stretch in learning patience
My husband is four years into dementia. Very delusional most of the time now. He has been totally blind for twenty five years and is now bedridden because he is a fall risk. He enjoys his talking books for years ( Available thru local library.They will also provide the cassette player) They can have a very calming effect.They will send you a catalog and you can read what it’s about or what the subject is etc ( I suggest you review what your ordering because these are regular books and are read as written.)God bless all who have taken on this responsibility it can be very difficult I know but will never regret it. 😘🙏🇺🇸
Beautiful
@@virginiawallace87
I have recruited my iPad as my assistant in caring for my mother, and what a game changer it has been. I can play her Poirot or Miss Marple episodes, which she always loved, and have introduced her to Jeeves and Wooster too. I play beautiful music videos, and sometimes she will start to sing along. It calms her and gives me a chance to take a mental break from trying to think of something she can do without getting frustrated. She can’t always follow the plot, but she likes the accents. She also loves a good nature vid.
Easy to be patient with it when you're not related to it and you get to leave it at the end of the day. I could do it for money with people I am not related to, day in day out, for the rest of my life and never lose patience.
Mom lives with me since I've retired. She is 93 and has Dementia. I realize now why we don't get along that well, which we never did, actually. I am doing all these things wrong. I can't get it through my head that mom can't understand anything anymore. I will try to change my way of dealing with and caring for mom. Thank you!
It didn't work out, did it?
Saww
English_w/o_GMO Nice.
Eileen Harvey What do you mean?
Brenda It is very difficult when there are hard feelings.
Good advice. Thank you. I took care of a little lady for 7 years and she was more confused than anything. Sometimes if she didn't recognize me I would step away And brush my hair back or something and start again. Usually she would remember that I was there to care for her. She was the sweetest lady i have ever known and i feel fortunate that i was there with her.
Awwww💜
So sweet of you!
Always stay humbled and kind, hun.
💖😄
Thank you. It is my fear and hubby likes to point out when I remember things wrong. He corrects me a lot. He always has to be correct.
My mom's on what I refer to as a 3 minute loop. Every 3 minutes she'll repeat what she's said previously. Some days it drives me up a wall... other days I try to have fun with it. I always try to remind myself that if it's frustrating for me... it must be waaay more frustrating for her!
I’m going through the same thing with my mom. It’s so emotionally draining. She has vascular dementia😢
@@melinda5683 my mom has Vascular Dementia as well. Since I last posted, she's down to a 30-45 second loop. No retention at all. Like you said, emotionally draining and super frustrating. I try to do the ol deep breath.... exhale... and let it go!! It's hard... but its mom! I pray for patience and acceptance... ill add you to my prayers. Hang in there... you're not alone!
Go with the flow don't comment.
patience. diversion. calm. encourage humor. affection.
just makes them more angry, cos they know they arent stupid, and they know YOU ARE
Diane Erickson Thanks, Diane. Spot on.
Just like with children. I treat my 82 year old dad with Parkinson's like a little boy. I tickle him and kiss him and play with him and he likes it. I hug and squeeze him a lot.
My mom had Alzheimer’s. I got to the point of calling her by her name because, in her mind, she was too young to have children. I stopped calling her mom.
That must have really sucked. imagine having to meet your own child for the first time day and day again. hope that you're doing ok :)
Wow, I’m just now experiencing this. ☺️
i did the same. made it a little easier.
Yep I do same thing with my Mama. She hasn’t know me for 7 years. 🙏❤️
@@connie5663 I call my Mom by her name as well. It gets her to be more compliant. Although I do call her Mom sometimes because it is so natural when I am taking care of her.
I live in a nursing home surrounded by many patients with dementia and you are helping me greatly. Thank you so much ❤
We’re in the stage where he senses his confusion and continuously asks for orientation...like, ‘do I still go to work?’ Do I have children? But when he hallucinated a policeman at the foot of his bed, I accepted it as his reality and just said that if he comes back to let me know. My process is listen with the honest attitude and respect I give to everyone, accept his point of view as being his truth and reality and give the answer I know he he needs at that moment...often all he is seeking is loving reassurance that all is okay in the world. I seek to create peace, comfort and joy in the present life we have together, and for the most part it works very well - your video is spot on. Thank you.
💝🙏🏼
When I was in nursing school in the 1980s they encouraged reality orientation to folks with dementia..i always disagreed with the practice..when a woman asked me daily where her husband was I just told her he was out plowing the fields and would be back for supper..she relaxed..others would tell her her husband had died so the woman was crying and tormented daily..my advise..just go with the flow..
lynden Mcdonald
My father was told almost daily that his daughter (my sister) had died (five years before). That was a tough one; he had to experience renewed grief each time. We didn't know how to address his asking for her.
You did a wonderful thing!
diferent in every case my wife will deny any passing of loved ones and past pets and she will not ever agree with you if you tell her otherwise
AGREE. I would tell a client ... went out to get X.
I remember those days. It was a cruel practice.
If my dad tells me the same thing for the 25th time, I just pretend it’s the first time I’ve heard it.
I do the same thing with my father but it drives my mom up the wall....
I just loose it...when my mum ask,s me the same thing 5 times over , I cant cope with it.
@@andrewrees8749 I know what you mean but if we are to be of any benefit, we have to change ourselves and rise above. We will be thankful later
@@andrewrees8749 I have the same problem. Mom asks the same exact questions over and over and over and over with each question back-to-back. I answer and she immediately asks the same question again (Such as “Do you ever hear from my husband (who died 16 years ago)?” Or, “How are your kids?”). She knows me and how to call me on the phone, which she does as often as 40-50 times a day! It wears me out!
My sister and i, are at the end if our tether, with my mum, my dad died of dementia, and now my mum is going down ,the same path, its so frustrating, my poor sister,has moved 2 doors up ,from my mum, its the sorriest ,thing she s ever done.
Lost my mom yesterday to Lewy Body Dementia... thank you for all the support that I've garnered from your videos.
“Compassionate deception” is what the director of my mom’s memory care facility calls it. It works! And it sounds nicer than “lying”. ☺️
It's not easy to lie convincingly, and many are uncomfotable doing so. Luckily there are creative alternatives. In the remote-control example, for instance, you can instead take what they're saying at face value and redirect the emotion so you demonstrate you're on their side. For instance:
"Blimey, people will steal anything these days! Makes you wonder what they do with them all. I don't understand people sometimes." It's easy for them to agree and feel validated by something like that. Then you can say something like "Let's see -- maybe they dropped it somewhere. I'll help you look...' and off we go, into problem-solving action prompted by her reality. When you find it, it then feels to them like a teamwork achievement, a productive, validating moment.
A good tip. "Sentry" motion detector, amazon, $16.00, 80' range. Our mother would do the silent midnight sneak. Our room was close, but she was a ninja. You can imagine the trouble a dementia patient can get into within minutes. The motion detector placed on the floor by the bed alerts the caretaker immediately. Works on sneaky teens too.
When my Dad took a bus into town it was 3-4 hours before the police found him and brought him back. Everyone had been worried, mostly my mother (who was out gambling) and my "carer" half sister who had been upstairs getting stoned all day (used my Dad's money to buy the weed too... lovely person she is). Anyways, the policeman seemed almost as relieved as I was after finding my Dad and suggested that not all such tales end so well. He advised we buy some kind of tracking device for his coat lining and it was a brilliant idea, except since that day he hasn't been on any walks or bus rides - I think he is far to cautious and afraid of "outside" now, in his later stages of dementia.
Holy Trinity st Anthony jesus is. Always in harms way if no one will fi by what they say the ones be in harm's waysomuch Tammy
Hi, I'm curious about this detector? I'm in a tiny house in my mom's back lot (if the garage wasn't between us, I'd be able to see her back door) & I'm wondering if I'd be able to get some type of an alert if she went out either door....if you might know please/thanks.
Fit a motion detector on exit doors which you can record a message eg " No darling Close the door we will be going out later" Works well when you are in the bathroom.
Unfortunately, I do all of these with my mother on a daily. This helped me to understand the seriousness of my mother's illness. This journey has been the most frustrating.
So true :(
I know, 2 years later but...I did the same. My dad died in 2016 and she lived with me till last week. The last year and a half were one long argument cuz I just was so tired. I hope you are well today. ❤
I know i know my dad has dementia worse than cancer in my opinion. Thinks he dont own his house. Thinks he stole his shoes.
wish i had seen this earlier. i’m 25 and dealing w it currently and it’s getting worse. it’s awful.
@@sammyUknow Good to see a recent comment. I hear you. It's hard for me to operate this way when most days they are ok & can be treated normally, and then I'm surprised again because it's one of those days. Sometimes I'm so tired, feeling like I have to have increasingly more "brain radar" to compensate for their lack.
Watching this 9 years after losing my dad, is, sort of pointless, but now, I feel I've the confidence to volunteer my local community and hopefully give sufferers a better quality life.
I only wish I could have done more at the time for my dad, xxx
me too. I wish I had been smarter at the time. I miss my dad every day
We do what we can with what we know in the present. You did the best you knew. Don't beat yourself up
My parents passed away a while ago, but didn't have dementia. But I lived home and was the only caregiver of my mother. While I don't know what it's like to have a loved one with dementia, I do know that it is much more difficult for the person who actually lives with the person suffering with it. My experience taught me that I took on too much and should have asked for more help. Good advice - not to argue with them, remain loving and patient. Thanks for the video.
Please do a video on this if you haven’t already. I have just started watching them.
Do not take on trips to unfamiliar places. We lived in a town while I was growing up for over 25 years. The church we were very active in had a reunion, and we thought it would be fun for mama (88 years old) to go and see people she used to know so well. WRONG! We have lived in our current town for 27 years. The trip to our former church might have just as well been a time tunnel trip into the past that my mom may never recover from. She thought she was suddenly in her childhood town and church. She now has no memory of the place she lived for the past 27 years. She “was” maintaining well enough to function by herself with me spending a few hours with her every day. Since that trip, we had to immediately move her in with us because she started packing to go home to her childhood home and didn’t know where she was anymore. Even at our house, she still thinks she is back in her childhood town. Wish we could take that day of the reunion trip back!
Totally needed to hear this today. It’s soooo hard to not try to reason with them. Thanks for the short and to the point video with tips and example situations!
Mandy my mom died this month of dementia and cancer of lung.... My son in law said to do role playing, say yeah then redirect because they won't remember shortly after and it just agitates them,and makes then meaner...
Redirecting their thinking is the best advice.... Moms nurse showed me when she visited one time.... Mom was saying she was held hostage and the nurse goes... "OK... I think I see your friend outside, the dog has come for food"...a stray always came to eat. Remember this word => REDIRECT...LOL
Thank you
Y'
I never got my head around telling lies
Right, because you basically have to live in a state of delusion.
I learned to lie a lot. Old farmer friend of my was in the nursing home, he'd tell me his truck had a flat tire (he hadn't been around no truck) I'd say " you probably ran over a thorn or picked up a nail" We'd go into all kind of directions on conversation. Dignity is one thing they still feel and recognize. Just roll with it.
You are absolutely spot on there,when you are in a conversation with somebody with dementia you just have to go with the flow,and yes we do have to lie and live with it,but it's a good lie in a sense,you can make them smile,make them happy,and have a good sing a long with them,take them to a happy place.
I do not think you can consider being in their world and reacting accordingly a lie. They do not intend to lie when saying these things, so us being with them in their reality is just recognizing their right to be who they are and be in the space and time they are at the present moment…
God Bless all of you and grant you the patience necessary to care for those you love.
I lived in my moms reality for the last three months of her life. Not such a bad place if you have a sense of humor. I do remember getting mad at her one night, the only time I raised my voice to her. She had fire in her eyes and was extremely combative. I had a lightbulb go off in my head at that moment. She was scared and confused , it wasn't her fault . I apologized and told her I understood how difficult it was for her and ,in that moment, she calmed down completely. When you can try and see through their eyes how confusing their world must be, hopefully you'll have more compassion and above all patience.
Thank you for sharing, Teri. It sounds like you are doing such an amazing job!
Teri Blaumer I think you have the best comment on here! I agree 💯
My friend’s paw paw has dementia and they are mean to him. She said she wouldn’t miss him when he dies and going to let him suffer.
@@MelB868 how terrible for him! Please call The Alzheimer’s Association® 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900) is available around the clock, 365 days a year.
@@MelB868 e
Thanks for the tips, spot on. My Dad had Dementia from over 40 concussions in the NFL. I did everything wrong that you mentioned in the beginning of his downfall. After a while I realized it was pointless and started to make every communication as pleasing as I possibly could. I knew he was suffering and just wanted to make his life easy.
I’m glad the video helped. ❤️
My Grandmother worked with Dementia patients and would often see them asking for their deceased husbands/wives. Their family members would often tell them the truth about them passing away, and it would devastate them all over again. My nan always tried to change that by asking family members to tell them they were out doing something, for example; “he’s sneaked out to the pub again, you should tell him off when he gets back!”. It’s so much easier on their mental well-being, and a humorous way to engage them in conversation.
I feel like that can back fire though.. like maybe one day she'll start yelling and telling you off thinking you're her husband because she'll suddenly remember that someone told her that her husband snucked out... Idk but I've been caring for my love one for more thn 8 years and I'm still leaning how dementia works.. things keep changing and it's always different..Sometimes I would tell my love one that I'm going to spank her with my size 15 shoe and she would laugh and laugh and says geez you got a big foot.. the point of saying it to her is to make her laugh and hoping she still remembers the joke... and suddenly one day she starts telling me she's going to spank me with her size 7 shoe if I don't give her what she wants and she was getting angry about it.. its like they remember some of what you tell them and bring it up later.. I've been noticing this for about 2 years now.. thats why everyday I tell my love one.. (I love you! My name is blank and never forget me ok?) And she'll always say ok and I love you to.. she's such a smart lady.. she forgets everything but sometimes she surprises.. when we were living with Mt sister for 7 months everyday my sister would leave and tell out love one that she's going to bring her a candy bar and coffee when she gets back and my sister would never do it.. I even told my sister stop saying that... anyway and one day out of nowhere my love one said wherez your sister? She always lies and says she's going to bring me a candy and coffee and she never does. I recorded her because I couldn't believe she remembered it.. every dementia person is different
Very true
My Mum always asks if I've seen her Mum or Granny or her Aunties, so I just say "No I haven't , but I've been working and haven't had time to see them" Mum is always happy with that explanation.
Yes, make an excuse about why the long dead loved one isn’t here. Tell him/her that the person will be here later.
I sent my cousin greeting cards from long dead loved ones, so he felt good thinking they were thinking of him. It would have hurt him terribly to keep reliving their deaths.
I have the beginning stages of dementia, there's time when I don't remember what I ate for breakfast. My husband is having a real hard time with this, he's always getting upset with me and races his voice and sometimes even been yelled at. We have been married for 29 years and he never got yelled at me before. I'm a retired nurse and I'm having a hard time dealing with me
and my memory. I also have the beginning stages of Parkenson' Thank you for sharing those 3 tips.
My Brother in Law has Parkinson's. It has been devastating over the last several years. However, last month he had the surgery for Parkinson's where they put 2 small generators in his chest with Leeds to his Brain. His tremors have stopped, his walking is straight, and he's driving! He's doing terrific in all fields in fact, including eating. There have been some incredible progresses for those with Parkinson's. Praying for great progresses to be made for those with dementia as well!
@@MimiJoys Thank you , I'm a retired nurse
Problem is working in the Emergency room we would
see patients with underlying problems you have with
Parkenson's. My dementia is getting worse, there days
I can't remember if I had breakfast or not. I'm useing
a power wheelchair my balance is really bad., My breathing is really bad wearing oxygen 29/7. My Doctor told me that they can't do surgery; Because of my health is not good.
Debra Wronker Im so sorry you’re going through this, I think your husband is probably frustrated with the circumstances, not you.. he probably feels like he’s losing you, and him getting angry is a manifestation of him trying to hold on to you as best he can. I think that’s why most people want to correct their loved ones, they want that person to snap back to reality and learn to not forget. I hope one day we can make advancements in this field of medicine. Also, have you heard of CBD/THC for treating symptoms ? Some patients and relatives of patients believe it slows the progression and helps create new neural pathways. Also, thank you for caring for others, and being a source of light. I hope someone can be that for you too in your time of need. Keeping you in my thoughts❤️
I read an article recently on how a son managed to reverse his mother dementia what he did was get hazel nuts ,blue berries and broccoli put them into a blender and gave her it twice a day as a drink also cut down on her sugar.gave her a high diet that they use in greece and italy and she went from phoning the police to say her care nurse has kidnapped her to now she is now leading a independent life....it may not work for you but if its the early stages ..you might nip your condition in the bud.
Debra Wronker God bless you. My dad did the same thing with my mom. She would get so upset not knowing what she'd done wrong. It was his inability to cope with the cold hard truth...if he kept on at her he thought she would remember, of course she didn't. It's his way of trying to cope with his pain. Would he be open to a caregiver group? My dad wasn't so he had a really hard time. He was in denial until nearly the end. He loves you and anger is one of the stages of grief.
This is absolutely right. I figured this out with my father and for his comfort and mine, I stopped arguing, correcting or reasoning with him and he was much happier. It was easy to redirect the conversation with offers of tea and cookies or looking at photographs.
Keep up the great work, Frankie!
Hello, My Mom recently and quickly moved into dementia. I’m daughter One and I’m tasked with being her caregiver. Your videos have been so very helpful! Really helps my anxiety level!
Thank you for what you are doing!
Very hard to watch someone you love start losing their memory to the point they do not know you and are talking to dead friends and relatives! It becomes like a person wanting to go home and they think you are stopping them!
I've followed the advice of not arguing or needlessly correcting my 90 year old mother and our relationship is much more positive. Thanks Dr. Natalie you've been a great support.
My mum used to be so proud to announce to all her fellow residents in the care home that 'that's my daughter _ _ _ ' 😃 it always made me smile.
Never use the words 'I don't know' when they have lost something.. they *know* they have a deficit and rely on you to fill in the gaps that make them scared. Say instead 'come with me and we'll find it'.. by the time you walk 10 paces they will have forgotten what was lost coz you made them relax.. I called it 'playing their game' .. like you said, reasoning is less than useless.
This information is so helpful. I'm new. My Mom is 92 and is suffering from dementia. I'm scared because I'm an only child and I don't have any caregiving help because of the coronavirus pandemic. I've been in denial about all of her actions for about the past year but nope, it's dementia. I'm so frustrated and tired but I guess I have to learn how to cope and keep on keeping on.
I know how you feel. My parents are both gone and l am an only child which i hate!! My husband has dementia and the 3 children i have they have their own problems and lives. I'm it no help!! But the most important thing l have is my faith. And every step l take Jesus is beside me taking the same step with me.
I worry about this with my mother. I’m an only child, too. She’s 72 and her mother and her grandmother had dementia. I think I see early signs, but she’s very uncooperative about being proactive. As for your isolation, there are likely a number of online support groups. You might even be able to find a local group.
Try getting long term care at HOME thru children and family service elderly care...
We
I understand your frustration & exhaustion. Checkout her insurance to see home care covered. Sorry you mentioned pandemic.❤️🙏🏾
I made a playlist of songs from the 50s for my MWA. She has a beautiful voice (even at 92) and started singing and knew every word.
Absolutely. They aren’t trying to be difficult. They can’t have discussions. They are like toddlers. Agree, go with it or comfort. Love them💜
They aren't really like toddlers because part of teaching toddlers is correcting them, and this video states that you shouldn't correct people with dementia. This actually requires a different skill set.
So helpful….all the comments.I’m hanging by a tread with my mother’s vascular dementia.Diagnosed a few weeks ago.
They are like toddlers. You just don't reason or teach because they don't have the ability to learn new skill sets. Children do over time as their brains learn and develop.
This is my first Dementia Careblazers video. That was great advice! Your recommendations made a lot of sense. I remember my mom when she was living with dementia, and it didn't matter how many times she told the same story "for the first time". We still listened and responded with respect, and gave her the dignity she deserved. Now my sister is taking care of her husband, who is in the early stages of dementia. I will recommend your channel to her.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experience. Your comments not only bring me solace but your suggestions are super helpful at this phase I'm in. Mom hasn't been diagnosed, but after watching several UA-cam videos by medical professionals she definitely has mild to moderate dementia. I have been so stressed out and angry about how my mom has been behaving towards me for years. She's accused me of stealing and now she's accusing the neighbors of trying to break into her house. Every day "they" apparently are trying to break in and there's no sign of forced entry. She's hallucinating and when I argue with her she gets so upset that I don't believe her. I know now not to do that. I am the only child and my mother is so antagonistic she does not get along with her siblings, so I'm on my own dealing with her day-to-day needs and wants.
I take care of my 94 year old mom with mild dementia as well. At the beginning we did argue back and forth when she would make statements that were ridiculous, and then she would get insulted and demand to be taken back home to take care of herself. I would completely lose it… not good! When I realized that arguing with her was not ever going to work, I discovered redirecting the conversation worked wonders and life is totally peaceful now for both of us. Arguing or telling her she was mistaken only agitated her. Make it easy on yourself and never argue. Good luck! I try to enjoy her last years and let her replay her best memories- even if it’s on repeat daily. 😊
@@margaretrosin7853 0
Thank you so much. I'm dealing with my father with Dementia I need to have patience. I ask God to help me handle him is not easy
This woman is so intelligent, My mom suffered for years with Alzheimers, my father and I and a wonderful caretaker and my sister took wonderful care of my Mother, Mildred.
Im a CNA in a senior behavioral unit (SBU). I use these approaches regularly with my group of 15 to 20 patients. These approaches work wonders. I have also noticed that patients will go to the CNA that is the most kind and respectful toward them. If one of the other CNAs tends to raise their voice or disagree with the patient, they tend to avoid that CNA and come to me to solve their problem. These approaches are especially critical during sundowning periods.
It’s extremely hard when your loved one can’t hear very well! Good advice though!
These tips are very good. When my mom had dementia had someone coach me on how to deal with dementia and gave me these same tips. When I followed this advice visits went so much better. It made a huge difference
I tried so hard to keep her in reality, I didn’t want to loose her. But as you know, that doesn’t work. And had to enter her reality.
PS: thank you dementia careblazers. I love your education that has helped me even further to take care of mom and dad. I failed to mention in my last post, my great grandpa on dad’s side had Alzheimer’s. I was about 9 when he went to the nursing home. When we went to visit him, I saw the confusion on his face about why all these strangers had just walked into his room. My uncle would always say, “Hi grandpa! Its me Danny,….” Then he proceeded to introduce all of us, every visit. That seemed to help grandpa a lot. I cry when I think about the day my mom will forget I’m her daughter…. Do you have any tips on how care givers can cope with that emotionally??
I work in aged care and I fully agree with you. There is no point in creating upset within a person who is suffering from Dementia. I have one beautiful woman in my care who tells people that she and I went to school together from the time we were 7. I don't argue, I just smile. If it makes her happy, then that is all that matters. In one sense, I see it as a compliment, because it means that she feels safe and comfortable in my familiar company.
I've encountered people who don't understand dementia, and who will constantly try to bring their loved one who has dementia into their world .. rather than working with the world the person (with dementia)lives in. All that comes from that is frustration.
Thank you for educating people :)
I totally agree!
When my dad had dementia near the end, he would often talk about going to visit his parents or his siblings, all of whom were dead.
He’d also want to go to their place in Florida, where it was warm.
He hated the cold Michigan winters!
When it became obvious that he was declining, I talked to my mother into staying up in Michigan where most of my siblings lived.
I reminded her that none of us lived down there, and if something ever happened we would only be able to go for a short periods of time, as we all have jobs.
Thankfully, she took my advice, but she was constantly arguing with my father when he’d want to see people that were no longer alive, or want to go to work or someplace else that he couldn’t go, like Florida.
It was very frustrating for the both of them, and hard for me to watch.
I finally explained to my mother, that she just needs to go along with what he is saying.
There’s no point in trying to use logic on somebody who cannot think logically anymore.
I told her to tell him things like “sure, we’ll will go to Florida on Tuesday”.
-or-
“ yes, it would be good to go see your brother Joe, let’s do that on Friday!”
-Because, in 20 minutes or 40 minutes, he’s going to forget that the conversation even happened, totally reboot and want to do the same thing again or something similar.”
This way, he is always happy and satisfied, & nobody gets frustrated and upset.
Thankfully, she took my advice, and things went so much better.
For the longest time, she was in full denial that he even had dementia.
The whole process of losing Dad, was very hard on her.
She’s about to turn 90 now, and doing pretty darned well!
I found this video very helpful. I was finding myself lying to my mom to make things easier. She didn't want to give up her driver's license, even though she had gotten an ID card. I told her it was against the law for her to keep her driver's license, and she became willing to give it up. I like your example of saying 'I called the police and they caught the person'.
I am currently taking care of my brother who is 6 years younger than myself he is 74, he not only has dementia but he is Down syndrome,. I have taken care of him most of my life and now it's becoming a little more difficult, when people remark about me taking care of him I told him about the old song He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother. I thank God that I am 80 and still able to do this. This information is very very valuable thank you
Thanks. I will stop trying to reason with mom. Good advice.
Me too
My mom suffers from dementia. These videos are an answer to several of my prayers. Thank you for this.
I used these procedures 25 years ago when my Dad was dying of cancer. To feel HOPE, He always said...."When I get better..." and I ALWAYS went along with His Dreams!!!!! I WAS Glad to Keep Him Calm & HAPPY during His Final Time Of Life!!! HE DIED HOLDING ONTO HIS DREAMS!!!!!
Well done.
Agree with not arguing. Have a loved one in a nursing home who tells everyone he has been there for less than a year... He has been saying that at the last three or four Christmas parties.
This is fantastic, thank you. My wife has FTD and I have old habits of arguing and correcting that I really have to work on. Sometimes I will try too hard to give her accurate information in an argumentative way when, as you point out, it would be better just to act agreeable and soothing. I think we tend to feel that we are being condescending and treating them like a child when we just agree with whatever they're saying.
Hi John! I think there is a risk of coming across condescending when you try to use these techniques with someone whose cognition is normal or only mildly impaired. In the case of someone with moderate to severe dementia, this approach usually works because they don't realize you are doing it just to avoid arguing. It is certainly a balance and takes some trial and error to see what works best for your situation. I do wish you and your wife all the best.
Mol
My father is early state and everytime I flip agreeable with him it seems to help him catch his thoughts but in a negative pandering way . He realizes very quickly you've given up in the conversation that he's actually trying to win via making me angry or being right . The sudden abandonment of the topic triggers something good in an unhealthy manner . I have found the best thing to keep early stage happy is to keep them busy . The later years are commiting no matter what and at that point pure accomodation is the kindest care . I'm also a health care aid and was trained to just agree with them rather then explain to them their kids aren't coming and in effect will never come visit because they don't care .
@@bigcat1158 .
Her last statement before the recap is everything “in a nutshell” on dealing with a person with dementia. They can’t be in your world anymore. You must be in theirs.
My mum will be moving in with me and my husband in a couple of days, she has dementia. All the stories about your loved ones and the advice will help us a lot in the future, thanks.
the best advice I got early on was from mom's physical therapist:"meet them where they're at" as an RN I was doing reality orientation,ect textbook care from nurses training at the time. It was wearing me out .he echoed what you are saying about making sense in their world. I tried it. My mom calmed down and I was a lot less stressed in our communication for what turned out to be an 8 year journey,she died in the nursing home at 91 yrs old." It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ".
My father was diagnosed with Lewy Bodies Dementia in November 2019. I never argue with him. I always listen to him speak even if it's something he's told me a million times. There is no point in correcting him. I try hard to keep him motivated. I want him to be as stress free as possible. I wish my mother had my attitude towards my Dad. She bitches at him constantly and it just agitates/stresses him out. I am trying to get married this year because I'm afraid another year from now he will not be able to walk me down the aisle. My Daddy is my whole world...I am terrified of him not recognizing me one day. To anyone else dealing with this...I am truly sorry. xo.
One of the most useful things I learned was that the patient does not forget those they love but they don’t recognise our faces as we age. That’s where photographs of us together when we were younger are so useful. We can talk about those times because in their minds, we are still young!
“Therapeutic lies” is what I was told by my Mum’s carers. It can be hard to do but it makes everyone’s life easier
A very accurate useful video...Thanks...The examples you're giving is exactly what my mom does except accusing me of stealing her purse.... Before I knew she had dementia I tried to reason and it made her combative...But, once I read up on dementia, I started to just go along with her.... She will be 90 this December by God's grace...She asks me if I've given tea or food for her Pappa (who passed away when she was in her 20s), and I tell her I gave him tea and cake just a few minutes back, and that makes her happy....She is happy in her own world and we're privileged to care for her...
Smile, be calm, agree, redirect. These tips have helped 100%. Your loved ones will mirror your feelings.
Great video. My mum has early dementia. Most of the time I just say OK. At times I have argued with her when she has accused me of doing something wrong when I hadn't. It comes from being criticised all my life, but that's another story. I don't argue now because I get all worked up and go for a walk until I calm down. When I come back, mum doesn't remember the argument. So, for my peace of mind, I tell her that I'm sorry & I'll do it the right way. Mum's happy & I am calm. Win win situation.
I'm sorry that you have been criticised all your life I feel your words I have too it has been soul destroying for me I still go on and get through it I just want you to know that you are amazing and whenever you feel sad or have them days that are to much to bare remember that I love your strength and you are amazing be confident and love yourself sending u love and healing x x x x
@@annaisrose5429 Thank you for your reply. It means a lot to me. My daughter has been a pillar of strength for me. I have also had counselling, which has helped. Once again, thank you. I hope you find peace as well. xxx
The hardest thing I had to deal with was my mum asking me to take her to see her parents who had died decades ago. I came up with every excuse, they’re taking a few days holiday, they’ve been working so hard, they will be having a sleep, etc. etc. etc. This happened every day until she realised I was stalling her and she got so angry with me and in no uncertain terms told me to go. I was dreading going to see her the following day but when I arrived, she was really pleasant. It was a real rollercoaster.
You can do it!
Thanks so much! My mother has Alzheimer’s early stages and I absolutely will use these skills!
My loved one accuses me of many things. This approach could have me accept blame. While I 100% agree with your 3 tips, after a while this acceptance of blame for things I did not do takes a toll on me emotionally. My ego gets angry and I get a build-up of resentment at always being the guilty party for things I did not do. Yesterday, my loved one accused me of forgetting to turn on the house alarm system before going to bed. I did do this, but he wanders at night and probably turned it off himself but has no memory of this. I could have responded "Oh, I am so sorry". Instead, I said "I did set the alarm". Then I turned away. He walked away. I do not know if this was a proper response, and I still felt resentful. I find that when I am feeling resentful, I need to change my state. If I've been sitting at the PC, I need to go for a short walk or take a quick dip in the pool. I need a pattern interrupt so the resentment doesn't just pile up each day. A friend told me that people with dementia want 2 things: 1. To know they are in the right place 2. To know they are doing the right thing. So my loved one was worried about being in the right place with the alarm off. So I could have said "I will make sure the alarm is turned on every night in the future" and let it go at that. This doesn't accept blame but assures the loved one that they will be safe. So maybe a strategy is to not accept blame but to address the real concern underneath the blame. Videos like this help us to strategize.
What I hate most is people telling me , you have told me that many times, or you just forget when I do not, I don't forget everything
Thank you so much! Just found your channel and subscribed! My mom is in moderate stage of dementia. We have always been so close...its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Watching the person you love most in this world slip away day by day.
Just found you recently, Doctor. Thank you for your videos. These three tips are very helpful. I just feel bad telling "the little white lies" to my Mom rather than the truth. She's 102. But as you say, let them be in their own world. Thank you.
Been a CNA in a nursing home 16 year's, I have seen my people go through hell with this nasty disease, Throughout the year's, I had to learn all this the hard way, but I can work magic with these people after some many year's.
lost my mom in 2017 ,95 years old with dementia sometimes she thought i was her husband who passed away in 1982 and other times her brother also gone, i just went along with whoever she thought i was. but a few hours before she passed away she called me by my name and pulled me to her and gave me a kiss on my jaw. i was happy she knew me again before she passed away. she had good days and bad days with this dementia it was so hard to see her go thru this !!!
This is so incredibly helpful! I had found your channel a few months back and to be honest so much has been going on this year that I havent sat down and continued watching your videos. I have committed myself to do so now and hopefully get the very much needed help for myself. Every day is another new challenge for me taking care of my mother on a full time basis in my home. I find myself really frustrated with soooo many situations with her. For example I am the oldest of 4 I am 54 and my 3 siblings have not helped me in any way whatsoever and even more frustrating they havent even called her on the telephone in the past 3 years! Yet she constantly is praising them and adds them to her world like they are in her life but sadly they are not. This really agitates me. You see..this is awful to say but feels great to type this and so called get it off my chest but my mother was not a very good mother. Esp to me. Its just a long story so I think maybe my siblings do not even bother with her maybe they feel the same. I made the decision to care for my mother because there was no one else to do it even before the dementia with her COPD diagnosis she is and has been on continuous oxygen. She did not have any proper medical care until she came to live with me..I know now that she had early onset dementia. Boy it felt good typing this short story haha! Thank you for all of this amazing information that I plan to watch all videos that pertain to me and my mom. I just printed out your Survivor Guide THANK YOU very much for that it will be a huge help to me! I am really realizing I have been stuck in a rut for the past 5 years and its time now to get some much needed help for myself! I am so happy I found you here on UA-cam this is an awesome channel!!!! Thank you!!
I am new to this channel too. Pre pandemic I was going to Alzheimer’s support groups which are now zoom groups. I had to dig to find them in my community but once I found one others opened up for me. The children who were taking care of their parents full time like you definitely have it worse and of course spouses living with a spouse with dementia. Didn’t we think that life would become easier as we aged...that now would be our time? I had three siblings. One had his own family to deal with and would call our mom. He died rather suddenly leaving a wife devastated they never got to retire at the beach. Another sibling very rarely interacted to the point when she got cancer she told no one until her children notified us 3 days before she died this year. And finally my last sibling is so distraught from living with our mom during the pandemic she will probably never come back. I do keep a journal which may be hard for you to do living together. I too made the decision to take care of mom and she is and has been before I was born a narcissist. You may want to check out UA-cam videos on Narcissism to see if it applies in your situation and could explain why your siblings have allowed you to carry the burden. Thank you for sharing as it has helped me to appreciate that my mom lives in her own house down the street and I do get some freedom. It’s still not fun...praying for us caregivers!
@@SharonHoldrenneeTastet thank you very much for sharing with me. Ironically my moms name is Sharon. You know I havent thought to reach out online for things in my area here in Connecticut. Thanks for that! I have been learning lots of new things to help myself to get through this. We never had a close family I suffer from PTSD starting with my childhood. Long back story..Life has just been hard. I do know that I have to get some help for myself so I dont drive myself nuts haha! I feel stuck I am sure you kno what I mean. I did just bought myself a journal and I love to write things down it does feel good! I wish you the best in your journey happy new year!!
@@SharonHoldrenneeTastet dementia and narcissist combination. Now that's a stressful situation. Hopefully all is well with you.
Here it is a year later at Thanksgiving time. Last January things went sideways and my mom (living down the street with 3 to 4 caregivers) told me to fire a Mon thru Fri gal who was not vaccinated like myself who had cared for mom for years! Basically the conversation turned so ugly I was told mom did not care for me anymore and to have a nice life. I went no contact as I did not have any power of attorney and mom died 7 months later on hospice care. The death certificate read natural death with anxiety secondary cause. So sad. I just read a quote by Winston Churchill. “If you want to avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing...be nothing.” I am toughening up!
@@SharonHoldrenneeTastet this whole pandemic has been terrible for far too many people and relationships. Your mom is at peace, now focus on yourself and live a good life. You did what you could, don't beat yourself up (if you are).
Great video, thanks so much. My mom is in the early stages and it has been very frustrating and has been leading to arguments and I realize now I was still acting as if she wasn't ill.
I hope that you and your mom are not arguing as much. It certainly takes a new way of communicating to find the best way to communicate with someone with dementia.
It’s extreme hard to enter their world and give up yours. But I am learning and I am grateful for your videos. They help me tremendously. Thank you.
Hello Eva 👋
My father is in early stages. He repeats questions often. And has wished med A happy birthday on several different days... But other than that not much difference. Although I asked him if he's scared. He said, "Yes. Very much." And that was heartbreaking.
Yes, it is scary knowing you are slowly losing your mind and there’s nothing you can do. I ask my hubby the same question two or three times a day and don’t realize it. He’ll sometimes just smile and answer me and I’ll say “did I ask you that already?” I stay really close to God by reading my Bible and listen to devotions to try to stay in my mind. If that makes sense. Blessings.
Great video. Thank you from a retired geriatric psychiatrist.
Thank you for your kind words! If you want to collaborate on a future video, let me know :)
it's people who don't have dementia that suffer.they live in their own little world. leave them alone.let them get up for work. let them wait for their mums and dads. to come and see them.and if you do argue with them they forget so quickly.just agree with them and give them a hug.x
You are correct, the caregivers suffer so much. The more we are able to calm our loved ones with the dementia, the easier and better it is for the caregivers at all. I love your response "Just agree with them and give them a hug." That is probably just as good advice for careblazers and people with dementia alike. Sending you all the best!
@@DementiaCareblazers thi is a fact : antipsychotics and physical restraints, abuse
Both suffer. Not all with dementia are unaware. This reality which is theirs is real to them. Often it is an paranoid reality where emotions are felt. Both sides are affected.
I went by instinct; if I tried to correct her or reason with her, she’d get frustrated and say I don’t understand what she’s saying.
It took a couple of times but, when I didn’t say anything, she left it alone. One time she misplaced my purse; she said someone came in and took it, I said I’d ask around but I may have misplaced it myself.
When you go weeks with no sleep; it’s easy to lose things; I found the purse and Mom was happy - told her I sat it down and got busy doing something else. I was letting her know it wasn’t her fault and I thanked her for reminding me to look. She said: “where would you be without me?” :)
I always tried to keep the mood light so she wouldn’t say she was in my way. I did learn a lot about my aunts and uncles;)
Thank you for your timely video! I started my journey taking care of seniors independently about 4 years ago while attending seminary. I now work in a senior community-based facility. It has been an amazing journey and have never viewed it as just a job. Rather, it is fascinating with everyday bringing new joy as I care for my peeps in memory care. Your channel just appeared in my stream and I am so grateful. Thnx again.
My goodness. I can’t thank you enough. My wife and I are going through this right now with our mothers. Your advice is so helpful. Again, thank you.
We home cared our mother, after Medicaid turned us away..(we were 'too rich" - mom had $28,000 in the bank, can you believe it?). Anyway, I was retired, (I am 70 now), and my sister moved mom in with her.It became a family affair. True, this decision upended our lives for awhile, but I must say, it was an experience I will always remember. Heartwarming, heartbreaking, scary, infuriating, hysterically funny, sad, deeply intimate, instructional, and life-changing for all of us! I would not have missed it for the world. Mother had mixed senile dementia, not AD, so that meant: she could be cared for at home, since the trajectory of her illness was not as relentless as AD would have been. My sister and I buddied up, worked as a team. My husband pitched in, my niece as well. In the end we got the laundry done, the house tidied, the bills paid and the meals cooked. Mom was reasonably calm, engaged socially, safe, bathed and cleanly dressed. And out of harm's way. She was fine until the very last week, when she could not get out of bed, and stopped eating. We made her comfortable, and obeyed her wishes to allow her to die at home, with the Doctor's ok, that's just what we did. Home care of an elder beloved is not for the faint of heart, I'll grant you. But this four year interval.. forever changed the way I look at life. Moreover, I feel deeply honored that I was able to take part in something so profound and, (ironically) in the final moments, life affirming...
I am so happy for you. You got to share something unforgettable with your mom. Our mother was terminal then was saved witha transplant. So we have had to go down this road with her twice! Can you imagine that. First we had to car for her during her illness and now we have to care for her again during her older years. Our family has been torn apart and is barely making it because of all of this. At the end you really have to make the best of it and really rely on God. God bless you.
I am 58 and this sounds like my story. My mom is 86. My sister takes care of her finances. I cook her all kinds of her favorite things and she loves it. I retired early and she lives with me. She took care of us kids when my dad died. She was 42 at the time and never remarried and devoted her time to us. I want to repay her.
Thanks for sharing your experience. My partner and I recently moved in with mum and dad to care for them and it is all the things you mentioned. Wouldn’t change it for the world but I am very apprehensive for the future at the moment.
Mum just got diagnosed with vascular dementia here in 🇬🇧. Thank you for this. 💚💛🧡👍💜❤
Was the loss of my mom as I knew her ..I mourned for that
WoW! Your message makes sooo much sense, but without seeing this video we would all think to say the things that would sound correctly, but truly isn't. Will definitely be sharing this GREAT video! Thank You for taking your valuable time out of your life to make this video for us. 👍
I remember one time with my grandmother: I was leaving after a visit when I took her to lunch, and she went to her dresser drawer where she usually kept some money. She had always given me a dollar or two from that drawer, since I was a girl. This time, she returned with a stricken look. "I don't have any money," she said. I knew what would be next -- an accusation that someone had stolen her cash. I cut in, "That's ok, Grandma. I have money!" and I gave her $20. She was so happy. She said, "Billy (my dad) will give it back to you tomorrow." My father was living 1000 miles away at the time, and thats when I knew just how much my grandmother was suffering from dementia. My father returned that $20 almost every time I saw him after that.
Four years later and your words are still helping people. Thank you, so much.