Don’t forget the illegible “Specials” chalkboard perfectly positioned just out of sight of both the tables and the bar so nobody remembers to order anything from it.
Make sure they're misspelled, and also terrible. "FETACINE CARBONERA" (sic) 2tbsp milk powder 10gr pre-diced bacon 100g fettucine Boil fettucine for 19 minutes. Fry bacon for 20 seconds. Add soaking wet fettucine to bacon pan, sprinkle with milk powder, toss until creamy. Garnish with cheese-adjacent substance that you bought in a 20l drum labeled "PASTA TOPPING" and garnish with parsley chopped at 9AM that morning that's been kept under the heat lamps. Price: $22 (add chicken from a bag that was cooked at the Steggles factory: $32).
@@effmltalks my gran smoked a pack a day for 58 years. From 12-69 She is still alive at 98 and Never had cancer once. Still does her garden every day. It's amazing but some people are just more resilient to cancer in general. One person gets melanoma the first year they work in the sun. The next guy goes shirtless, as a redhead, in summer, whilst roof tiling for 10 years and he gets nothing.
In a pub as I’m writing this There are either barely any chips on the plate and you have to scrounge up any spares from your grandparents’ plate Or there are FAR too many and they’re oversalted like hell so you end up going through two of those communal water bottles
This is also most pubs in Aotearoa-New Zealand as well. The guitarist/singer at high volumes sounds like they're so grateful for just being given a gig that they don't even get paid for doing it. Rarely, someone will buy them a beer but most of the time it's just a sad plastic jug of water next to them.
Yes, but, see, they coming with the "house seasoning" (regular salt, some flecks of parsley) and "aioli" (shotglass full of Praise mayonnaise from a 21kg drum that once had the the concept of garlic explained to it). $14.
@@gardenersgraziers7261 Honestly, I thought you were taking the p-ss, but no, apparently this is a real thing. Though I could only find it under the name White Bat, not Red Rooster, and most recipes call for Kahlua. I'd sub with Tia Maria anyway, as it's clearly superior. My primary thought is this sounds like curdling waiting to happen, but I guess not...
- Every keg empty so you have to wait for it to be replaced - Entrees and main brought out at same time - Kitchen closes at 7.30pm - Specials sold out - Fish of the Day is always Barramundi - Pool queues are all broken
you guys make my life somethign special.. thanks for sticking to your talens and keeping this going. You're something special. You didn't just turn into a podcast and pay a friend, sorry 'producer', a salary where you both just have to 'show up on set', and then pretend to be real people. you are the best!!!!1. thank you!!! Don't ever lose what makes you special! I wish you had FairBeer, or Farirbrew and sponsors segments, but your guys are so beyond that it's refreshing. Legends.
Shitty pubs are a universal experience. I swear to god if I buy a sixteen dollar burger and it costs extra for fries I'm turning around and never coming back.
I genuinely miss the dive pub. Yes, dammit: I liked the bain-marie Roast Of The Day, with the deep-fried "roast" veggies, sodden pea and carrot mix, and Maggi gravy for $10...with a schooner.
you forgot to put in when they mess up your food and the tables are extremely sticky from spilt drinks and it allways being plus 5000 degrees in the bathroom for no reason
I'm so sick and tired of these two telling me the truth about life that I want to buy them both a beer...... And Darcy of course, that good for nothing!!!!!
"Should we have an interesting variety of beers on tap?" "No, lease all our taps to either CUB or Tooheys. That way people won't be surprised by anything interesting or new"
Loud music makes people talk loudly. It actually helps break down awkwardness and get people talking, because there's no silence to be overheard in. About 90 DB works, I reckon. Just a little tip for making a house party work.
The observations in this video are so accurate it’s insane. How did we get here? It’s no wonder every business out there is dying. What happened to selling more at lower prices? Selling less and higher prices is making it too expensive for _anyone_ to go out.
You know its the darkest timeline when you're paying 14 bucks for a piss tasting beverage that's going to go through your body in the next 20 minutes. Can't seem to get enough of it though lads!
The price of a beer is a joke nowadays. Compare it to a coffee which is cheaper, requires some work to make it and people generally only buy one. With beer on the other hand, it takes 10 seconds to make, people drink several in one sitting but still costs twice as much as a coffee.
@@Offy-official-realthe cost of beer in Australia is due to the SIN taxes, that are scheduled to increase every 6 months. Pretty sure a pint is over 50% tax these days
I don't think I've actually been to a pub with music playing, or maybe it's just drowned out by like. Half the town being there all at once (rural Australian)
don't forget the cold corner where all the alcohol sick and hunched over whisper about their health conditions whilst blaming it on the partners cooking.
Just wanted to check, is the singers microphone slightly too close to the speakers so there is feedback all the time, yet they don't seem to notice? and could you ask them to put their own spin on well loved classics, making it impossible to sing along to songs you know and love? love that shit
Don't forget that they have to play in a room with a minimum of 95% reflective surfaces, so walking into certain areas of the room feels like being hit with an LRAD.
Don't forget to have a pool room. Wait a second.. couldn't we just make that room another pokies room. That is definitely going to be more profitable. We can also double it as an outdoor area for smokers so those addicts will be tempted to play.
pubs in New Zealand: here's a rugby game on the big telly. Artisan burger 26 dollars without chips, it's good quality NZ beef I promise. Half a pint of Tiger from the tap? 13 dollars. Some bloke just got knifed across the street.
1:32 I always have the opposite problem. The chef chucks WAY too many chips all over the plate and there is never enough room to put them all down after the parmi and the pint. Also thanks to whoever is a Takanaka fan, his music is amazing.
Don’t forget the illegible “Specials” chalkboard perfectly positioned just out of sight of both the tables and the bar so nobody remembers to order anything from it.
thats actually 100%
And you can't read it anyway as well as having no pricing on there.
Wait, there were specials? Oh well, we'll check em out next weekend!
Make sure they're misspelled, and also terrible.
"FETACINE CARBONERA" (sic)
2tbsp milk powder
10gr pre-diced bacon
100g fettucine
Boil fettucine for 19 minutes. Fry bacon for 20 seconds. Add soaking wet fettucine to bacon pan, sprinkle with milk powder, toss until creamy. Garnish with cheese-adjacent substance that you bought in a 20l drum labeled "PASTA TOPPING" and garnish with parsley chopped at 9AM that morning that's been kept under the heat lamps.
Price: $22 (add chicken from a bag that was cooked at the Steggles factory: $32).
@@hoilst265 Ima be sick, flick me a towel to mop up this oil spill and call Greenpeace
"Blast their music so loud through the pub that no one can talk" 💀
yeah, and the one time they actually get someone good in, they are plagued by audio issues all night.
Just watched that part as I was reading this😂
WHAAAT?
"OK, someone request Vance Joy's 'Riptide."
NO THEY FUCKEN DIDN'T.
>this
Don’t forget the old bar tender who has the croaky voice from smoking a pack a day for 40 years
You're not in an Australian pub without one of these guys but they are usually the chillest guy you'll every meet
Always in awe of them still being alive too 😂
If it's a woman she calls you "darl"
@@effmltalks my gran smoked a pack a day for 58 years. From 12-69
She is still alive at 98 and Never had cancer once. Still does her garden every day.
It's amazing but some people are just more resilient to cancer in general.
One person gets melanoma the first year they work in the sun. The next guy goes shirtless, as a redhead, in summer, whilst roof tiling for 10 years and he gets nothing.
@@drunkpaulocosta The oldest human who ever lived smoked until she was 110. She's a great example of why one person doesn't make a statistic!
Glad to see pubs in Australia are exactly the same as the ones in the UK 🤣
And the US 😂
Maybe London ones
just slightly less mushy peas and slightly more old boilers
Your pubs are prettier.
@@JordanPATthis is very true
As an Australian pub I can confirm I love having lots of old people inside me
That sounds dirty, and kind of slutty and gross 😂
😂
Gosh you've could be a bit more mysterious 😂
Wow
You forgot ‘lets place a reserved sign on every table at 1pm for bookings 830pm onwards’
doesnt stop me from sitting there until 8:30 lol
In a pub as I’m writing this
There are either barely any chips on the plate and you have to scrounge up any spares from your grandparents’ plate
Or there are FAR too many and they’re oversalted like hell so you end up going through two of those communal water bottles
Putting chips under the parmy should be a capital offence that sends you to Christmas Island.
Calling it a parmi is capital offence
@@Mightymax101it's parmi fight me
It's like a Melbourne pub, only ours are actually open at night.
Sydney City pubs: Sad "waaahwaahwaah" trumpet noises
I don't get it, what do year 12ers do in the early AM on the weekends then?
At least Melbourne pubs only have one pub per suburb and take a week for a pub crawl.
imagine living in either sydney or melbourne 🤮
And shows AFL.
$5 for a Coke? I’m moving!
Auckland is now charging $7AUD for a thin glass of mostly ice 🧊
Really in Australia you can get them for free in the pokies room and you just gamble the $5 lol
Wellington bar charging $15 for can of japanese RTD that costs $1.07 retail in Japan.
This is also most pubs in Aotearoa-New Zealand as well. The guitarist/singer at high volumes sounds like they're so grateful for just being given a gig that they
don't even get paid for doing it. Rarely, someone will buy them a beer but most of the time it's just a sad plastic jug of water next to them.
Can't believe you literally visited every pub just to make this informative video for us. Not all heroes wear capes x
Darcy acting as all the people was impressive, he really can fill so many different roles
Lol nice sarcasm 😅
@@bigjaz8768 huh
The chips under the parmy is the cherry on top pub experience
music: earth shatteringly loud
your ridiculous friends: having one half of an unintelligible conversation regardless
Pool table in the most inconvenient position possible
As someone who has never visited Australia, I can confirm this is very true.
"we'll charge $10 for a bowl of chips, maybe even more"
"That's going to be a huge bowl though"
"you'd think so but no, ration them too"
Yes, but, see, they coming with the "house seasoning" (regular salt, some flecks of parsley) and "aioli" (shotglass full of Praise mayonnaise from a 21kg drum that once had the the concept of garlic explained to it).
$14.
@@hoilst265 Haha the mayo dig is so specific and entirely on point.
Those damn acoustic duos singing Pearl Jam's "Better Man" and Hunter's and Collectors "Throw Your Arms Around Me".
Dont forget the sticky floor from random assortment of drinks that were spilled, somehow even before the pub is even opened for the day.
That’s just the heritage under your feet mate
@@SuperMegaWoofer3000sticky heritage
That's a damn lie, the 40 year old purple and red (that has since faded to brown) patterned carpet just squelches.
Parmi on top of the chips really grinds my gears!
*parma
@@JackMcSomeone its right there in the video mate, get a grip smh
@@JackMcSomeonei respect and completely abhor your opinion
Adults who unironically say "Parmi" might as well just order "sghetti" and "nuggies" aswell.
@@tasty8186 you bet I fucking will
Alaska and Australia have a lot in common other than the weather
RED ROOSTER = Rum + Tia Maria +Milk + Dash Coke
And here I was eating chicken
...sounds like a date with the porcelain bus
Cut the milk and that actually sounds pretty good.
@@hughcaldwell1034 try it with milk and see - just a dash ice cold
@@gardenersgraziers7261 Honestly, I thought you were taking the p-ss, but no, apparently this is a real thing. Though I could only find it under the name White Bat, not Red Rooster, and most recipes call for Kahlua. I'd sub with Tia Maria anyway, as it's clearly superior. My primary thought is this sounds like curdling waiting to happen, but I guess not...
hahaha spot on. Feels like I'm digging for treasure when I have to get the chips out from under my parmi.
aww man the blasting music kills it for me
That's every pub in everywhere
Phenomenal acting by Darcy as the book
The last sentence is gold 👍
Don't forget the gravy that's like someone squeezed meat juice out of a sweat rag.
that last soggy chips sent me LOL
- Every keg empty so you have to wait for it to be replaced
- Entrees and main brought out at same time
- Kitchen closes at 7.30pm
- Specials sold out
- Fish of the Day is always Barramundi
- Pool queues are all broken
Shame Darcy wasn’t in this one, only thing that saved it was Darcy’s acting as nothing, stellar performance
you guys make my life somethign special.. thanks for sticking to your talens and keeping this going. You're something special. You didn't just turn into a podcast and pay a friend, sorry 'producer', a salary where you both just have to 'show up on set', and then pretend to be real people.
you are the best!!!!1. thank you!!! Don't ever lose what makes you special! I wish you had FairBeer, or Farirbrew and sponsors segments, but your guys are so beyond that it's refreshing. Legends.
It's like this in the USA also. Except for that stuff about sports. We have a different version of football
Glad after 6 years yall are doing well still,keep it lads
Shitty pubs are a universal experience.
I swear to god if I buy a sixteen dollar burger and it costs extra for fries I'm turning around and never coming back.
16 dollars? aus pub burgers are normally 22-28
I genuinely miss the dive pub. Yes, dammit: I liked the bain-marie Roast Of The Day, with the deep-fried "roast" veggies, sodden pea and carrot mix, and Maggi gravy for $10...with a schooner.
All I want, and all I need. All I want is a good pub feed!
don't forget the sticky rugs that was never replaced since the 90s
Something about that grandma spending all her money at the pub joke hits me hard
Don't forget the toilets that never get cleaned.
You also need to put horse racing on the TVs
Are we gonna call it a pub? Na, call it a hotel. But make sure there's zero accomodation.
Don’t forget about the weekly meat tray
You can’t forget that everything has to be ordered on a QR code and make the website really confusing and hard to find
Darcys acting as the australian pub was tremendous.
So true. I've never been to Australia
Pubs ate So overpriced these days
Made my day with this!
Australia is Norway's spirit animal
you forgot to put in when they mess up your food and the tables are extremely sticky from spilt drinks and it allways being plus 5000 degrees in the bathroom for no reason
I'm so sick and tired of these two telling me the truth about life that I want to buy them both a beer...... And Darcy of course, that good for nothing!!!!!
It’s so true. I don’t like eating at pubs because they all have the same few things. And it’s usually not that good.
put them under the parmi as well so they get all soggy, what a unique idea
Can't forget the strange reigionally sprcific food selections alongside the standard steak, parmi, fish and chips & pies selection
I do love it when the bar has a bistro and does a chicken parm。
"Should we have an interesting variety of beers on tap?"
"No, lease all our taps to either CUB or Tooheys. That way people won't be surprised by anything interesting or new"
One of your best
you bloody nailed it 🤣🤣
Greetings from Perth
Every time they said parmi instead of parma, a piece of my soul shattered
Loud music makes people talk loudly. It actually helps break down awkwardness and get people talking, because there's no silence to be overheard in. About 90 DB works, I reckon. Just a little tip for making a house party work.
Chips under the parma is a fucking sin, and the portions hurt my soul
Thanks for traumatising me again, guys
Glad you said “Parma” though. 🤜
as an aussie pub worker, i can confirm that all of this is true.
I really need to visit my local rural pub in NZ more. They give you a lot of chips.
Chips under the parmi so they get soggy! Dontcha hate that 😂😂😂
Hahah there's a charm to the soggy chips under the parmi
Also Darcy did a great job as the pen 🖊️ stole the show once again
no there isn't lol
@@cheeks7050 I bloody love it
@@TheSlamSociety There's always someone who will defend something no matter how shit it is.
@@cheeks7050 I'm not defending it I'm just saying I like it, you can dislike it all you want bro
The observations in this video are so accurate it’s insane. How did we get here? It’s no wonder every business out there is dying. What happened to selling more at lower prices? Selling less and higher prices is making it too expensive for _anyone_ to go out.
if john steals an apple how many camels can unscrew a lightbulb?
Sixty watermelons
No no you forgot to add the zingerboxes
50 sheep
Wait how many camels can unscrew a lightbulb?... Hmm... I know this one................ 120 rhinos
42.
OH MAN I HAD THIS WITH THE CHIPS YESTERDAY! GOD-DAMN $38 BUCKS FOR A SCHNITTY, A BEER, AND LIKE, 9 CHIPS.
You know its the darkest timeline when you're paying 14 bucks for a piss tasting beverage that's going to go through your body in the next 20 minutes. Can't seem to get enough of it though lads!
$14 for a pint, must be happy hour!
the whole planet is price gouging at this point. noone can afford fun anymore
Yeah life just isn't the same anymore, feels like it costs $100 to walk out the door. :(
@Dave-jm3zf here in the UK I used to use a bicycle as transport for nights out cause taxis are so expensive.
The price of a beer is a joke nowadays. Compare it to a coffee which is cheaper, requires some work to make it and people generally only buy one. With beer on the other hand, it takes 10 seconds to make, people drink several in one sitting but still costs twice as much as a coffee.
Greed of the elites was insane is now beyond insane
@@Offy-official-realthe cost of beer in Australia is due to the SIN taxes, that are scheduled to increase every 6 months. Pretty sure a pint is over 50% tax these days
2:01 - is literally what my boss says every weekend at the weekly meetings whenever I come up with an idea to save his pub
As an Irishman, this is all bizarre to me (but potentially very familiar in a year)
Darcy's acting as a pub was stellar.
Chicken schnitty!!! Pub Feed!!! Parmesanna!!! Pub Feed!!!
Got thrown out of a pub near the CBD at 9:30 last friday night because "it was getting late" according to the staff
Lock Land was cooking with that chip scheme
Chips are there just to soak up that raw chicken juice that will cause the customers next bout of of gastro
Although I suppose that's why they sell alcohol to kill any parasites that might be in the food
it's sad because it's true which makes it hilarious.
the chips need a 2 dollar sauce with your 14 dollar pint
I don't think I've actually been to a pub with music playing, or maybe it's just drowned out by like. Half the town being there all at once (rural Australian)
Kids food, YESYES the unhealthiest stuff there is. Dont even have another option
don't forget the cold corner where all the alcohol sick and hunched over whisper about their health conditions whilst blaming it on the partners cooking.
Just wanted to check, is the singers microphone slightly too close to the speakers so there is feedback all the time, yet they don't seem to notice? and could you ask them to put their own spin on well loved classics, making it impossible to sing along to songs you know and love? love that shit
Don't forget that they have to play in a room with a minimum of 95% reflective surfaces, so walking into certain areas of the room feels like being hit with an LRAD.
Don't forget to have a pool room. Wait a second.. couldn't we just make that room another pokies room. That is definitely going to be more profitable. We can also double it as an outdoor area for smokers so those addicts will be tempted to play.
You are painting the picture that exists within all Australians.
Anything named a pub is like this .lol
pubs in New Zealand: here's a rugby game on the big telly. Artisan burger 26 dollars without chips, it's good quality NZ beef I promise. Half a pint of Tiger from the tap? 13 dollars. Some bloke just got knifed across the street.
1:32 I always have the opposite problem. The chef chucks WAY too many chips all over the plate and there is never enough room to put them all down after the parmi and the pint. Also thanks to whoever is a Takanaka fan, his music is amazing.
12 chips hahah! I'm up my local about that all the time
Great now I want a parma
People do in fact enjoy saying 'WHAT???' 3 times then nodding and saying 'YEAH' when they cant be fucked figuring out what you are saying.
Pre-mixed soft drinks in a bar are just from a SodaStream made for 100 people or more people.
every pub, everywhere.
Putting chips underneath a parmi should be a crime
i love it
1 billion percent accurate.
That ending 😂
Accurate as fark! 😂 tradies
forgot one crucial menu item mate... southern crispy chicken burger.
Having lived in the UK for a few years now, I lament what's become of Australian pubs