I like being in relationships where both people care equally about the relationship. Otherwise, the whole thing is lopsided. People end up getting hurt in this kind of relationship.
I had to learn that when i start feeling bad or negative about myself in a relationship it's time to leave it. I tell the other person how I feel and if they don't change the way they treat me I move on. They'll never be able to say I didn't warn them.
I hate telling people who I am I want them to figure it out it makes things more interesting but you still do have to give them Clues as to how to treat you.
Great video Wenzes, I find door slamming is done out of self respect. There comes a time when you realise someone has zero respect for you and NEVER will. Time to slam the door.
Took me years to stop twisting myself into a pretzel for people...now my boundaries are rock solid...I don't say yes to placate people...I require those I care about to meet me where I'm at, just as much as I meet them on their mental turf....wish I would've been stronger years ago, lot of pain could've been avoided. _NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE_
Don't do the "nice" thing [shrink yourself on behalf of others without them even asking you], do the KIND thing [be yourself and lead by example in authenticity]. Good stuff!
After getting it wrong so many times ( compromising myself) I've grown stronger in the reality that MOST PEOPLE will just not get you, or respect your personal values. We have got to learn to be ok alone and in our own company. We door slam because in the beginning of the relationship we COMPROMISE. It's scary being an INFJ that GENUINELY cares about humanity and craves depth and intimacy to face the aspect of social and emotional isolation. Once you stop giving a fuck, you will be willing to be on a desert island with a soccer ball than be with one more person that you can't be authentic with and the "love" not hurt.
Every time I’ve had to door slam it was a defense mechanism. I did it to protect or defend myself from continuous hurt from people or being constantly taken for granted and advantage of. By the time us INFJ’s door slams, we’ve already been hurt. There’s only been a handful of people I’ve had to door slam but I didn’t feel bad because I endured and gave a lot up until that point. I had to respect myself enough to shut it down even if it meant shutting out and/or cutting off people that were causing me harm and pain constantly regardless of how much they meant to me. 🤷🏽♀️ Great video here!🙂👌🏽
The best relationships have nothing to do with power. I am now thinking that "cares the most" is in itself a power dynamic as I write this I wish no power over anyone at all. I never ever want to believe I care the most ever again.
Power and control are red flags for unhealthy narcissism. It's immaturity, like a toddler trapped in an adults body, with adult consequences. We are attracted to similar IQ levels and similar maturity levels, so if you disagree with my opinion, and think power and control is the only answer...then you're trapped in your own immaturity bubble, and can't see outside your own reality that yes, some adults are in healthy interdependent relationship that'll you will never experience, so it won't matter to you anyways. ~ (INFJ-A)
When I have door slammed people in the past, I believed that I had no choice. I didn't know what else to do. But yes, I always felt horrible afterwards. Now, I see other ways to handle the situation, better ways. And prevention is the best way--to keep things from getting to that point.
I'm hoping not to have to door slam anybody in the future now that I've raised the bar for who I share myself with and how I spend my time interacting with others. The past 8 years of my life have been about redefining my life in the wake of a divorce and the onset of a series of health issues. At first I really stretched my social muscle reaching out for support from others. Health issues caused me to turn inwards and even farther inwards after realizing few of my current friends could relate to what I was experiencing. Your channel as well as other MBTI channels helped me better understand the dynamics playing out there. I'm now in search of people more like me (intuitive, introverted, etc.) and lowering or eliminating my exposure to people who react poorly to me or even mistreat me. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this but the last person I door-slammed not only mistreated me but also didn't interest me. These days I find her loud and boring. I see this person regularly so now when I cringe and avoid her, I realize so much of the previous dynamic was about me trying to adapt to what I thought was an unavoidable social connection. I thought that I *should* like her. Putting myself front and center in my life, being more defined about the qualities I seek in others, and disregarding other's misunderstandings or preconceptions of me have been the three greatest steps I've made towards health and happiness. Wenzes you played a big role in lighting the way for me - Thank you!
The "door slam" is often necessary as a last resort, and it's often the only option if you are dealing with an outright narcissist: what's called "going no contact".
Yes! I try to not start any relationships with narcissist to begin with, the sooner I don‘t back down the sooner narcissist leave themselves or I lose any understanding for their behavior and leave the narcissist before it leads to the door slam
@@Wenzes I can spot them a mile off - but I still have to work with a few, sadly. I'm working on changing that though. I'm just glad I'm not in a relationship with one. I feel for those who are - in a big way.
A lot of my INFJ door slams were like Disappearing Acts. At the time it was the best I could do, and adequate to the occasions. But in this video, you show us a mindset that keeps us from needing to use it at all! ☺ You're giving a good-hearted but firmly assertive approach to self acceptance that can improve the odds of not needing the door slam. It's good preventative advice!
It is not sp easy to explain"normal people"what we are going to do...because we have being so "at their needs"they might take us for stupid.Giving is something that we need to do....continually(just like the glass that she is comparing that energy to).
Yep be open and honest about who you are/what you believe upfront. Don't hold back because of a perceived outcome. You are only responsible for being authentically you. How others choose to react to it is their choice, don't deprive them of it no matter how much you want to. Be 100% yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Man I'm preaching to my dang self. Lol. Thanks for the remainder.
This video really helped me to get perspective on how I've fostered my relationships. Your videos help me to realize that there's so much more to life than "fitting in". I love the positivity and your approach to life. Stay awesome!
Its like everything that I'm thinking, you know how to phrase it in a way that fosters growth. I watched the video ready to debate with my world views but listening to you teaches me so much patience.
Wow you nailed it. Yes that's why it happens. But really it's our responsibility to show up with our boundaries in the first place. and I totally get what you were saying about not being yourself to protect them. I do that too. I ironically just did a door slam about 3 hours ago.
Sometimes you door slam somebody when it's you yourself who's being toxic, while they're being kind and understanding but maybe pointing out things that you don't want to deal with, truth that you're not ready 4 or feel like you're not ready for. I found I'm usually door slamming people when I'm the one who should be door slammed.
This really describes what I went through this last years with someone I really cared about. But, at some point I realized that I was shrinking myself so much so that the other person could feel better about herself and the worst of it all was that she enjoyed this. So the breaking point was when I became so conscious of that, that I decided to break free to protect myself. That was really heartbreaking but necessary!
I just Door Slammed my girlfriend of 10 months, 3 weeks ago. After a period of time trying to get to know her as a person to feel a connection before sexual contact, I decided I wanted to be with her, and that I was going to be good to her in spite of a few minor red flags. I over extended myself to her, thinking I’m going to give her a emotionally deep relationship to her core, that only an INFJ can give. She loved it, she’s never been loved and cared for like that before, as an INFJ, the world is oblivious to me and a total blur, when I’m focused on one woman in a relationship, but eventually she took it for granted, until I complained I was being taken for granted, and several lame attempts on her part to work it out. I got tired of feeling like I was being gaslighted, I went no contact for 9 days until she contacted me, everything was wonderful for a week and a half, until I started critically thinking and analytically reasoning, I noticed a pattern, it dawned on me that she probably had another dude in her pocket and she’s putting me through a cycle, to see how long I’m going to put up with her gaslighting, while her financially benefiting from a boyfriend. As painful as it was and still is, an INFJ can give you the benefit of the doubt the first time, but when that plane hits the second tower (for lack of a better analogy) right then and there, you know exactly what’s up! Without warning, I blocked her from EVERYTHING, grieved, then looked forward and am keeping it moving. When you know you’ve been above board and 💯 the whole time because as an INFJ that’s how you are, it’s easy to see “if someone stepped in shit, it was bullshit!”, and you no longer see them and respect them for who you perceived them to be and analytically who you realize, they will Never be, but who in fact who they really are... then it’s easy to Slam that Door Shut! 🚪 Sorry for the “Text wall”.
This is so accurate!! Really really well explained all the way through. It's also really painful to continue to live, doing things for people that they do not even see or recognize when it is self-sacrificing as you said. When you realize they don't even see or realize what you're doing, is extremely painful because you feel like all your effort and strengths are for nothing and unnoticed, unused, unappreciated-- Another reason why it's important to speak your voice early on, and not secretly keep it to yourself, hoping to be acknowledged one day. I feel the hardest part of this is understanding the difference between 'not sacrificing yourself' and 'being selfish.' I mistake often that serving others must be self-sacrificing, and that self-sacrificing is a good thing too often until it leads to a painful relationship as you mentioned. It's a mindset habit that's difficult to break.
I've got a deep question for you. This topic brought it to mind. Do you think most infjs have dealt with childhood abuse or trauma that caused them to become infjs in the first place? Seems a lot of us are empathetic people because we've dealt with some rough stuff and then tend to get walked on as adults. thus creating the need for these door slam scenarios...? Because we haven't learned better boundaries or coping skills yet. Sorry to get heavy but I'm seeing some correlation there.
Yes, I also see correlations there...I personally think we are born with a personality type and certain personality types just attract trauma because we need extra protection as children that we don't get
When your different, aware and sensitive you need more from your parents and surroundings. Being only 2 to 3% of the population these needs get rarely met. Plus energetically speaking we are very magnetic to negative energies so not understanding ourselves or our power we end up in a lot of traumatizing and one sided situation.
I've done this with 4 narcissistic relationships came across your videos in my research knowing I'm a empath but now I know I'm a infj too. It's crazy how I relate to everything my mom's is retrained. Thanks
There are a lot of things about this topic. The main problen of INFJ-s is that we very much use our emotional intense to bring forward the best in the people we interact with to a point when we didnt ask ourselfs is that the most right thing to do with exactly this person in this exact situation. It dosent necessary for this person to be a narcisist or someone with clear bad intentions against us from the beginning. It's been said that what you do to yourself no one coud do to you so it's very much necessary for the person infront of us to be awere of that and be capable to help himself otherways it will be a situation of constantly sacrifising for nothing and door slam at the end.
I appreciate all you've said on INFJ Door Slam. It's what I've wanted to say a long while now. I just wanted to be myself, showing the real me and not to do things just to satisfy others. The trouble is people think it's just my underhanded way to get them to appreciate me, which is painful to accept coz I've been trying my best to be the authentic "me". I want to do things that I want to do as a normal being, no hidden agenda and most of all, allay their fears that a reconciliation is all I want. No. I wish all will realise an amicable acceptance of each one's desire is still possible peacefully,
It doesn't work for me when I download and then watch, even if I'm online when I watch. Argh... if you downloaded, go out of your library and try liking while watching the online version.
Oh my ..... what a great video. I'm an INFJ and people used to abuse me emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't door slam often but when another person doesn't want to know you and respect your personal passions be it personal development, science or helping others. Yet wants to unload and moan when you are being you. Trying to dictate on how you should be via their personal views. Is wrong and this is when I door slam. Yes I hurt when this happens but it's for the best. Be it for me or another. Many people are on different paths.
As an injf that wasn't really made aware of any of what an infj personality is about growing (1980s) (36 now) over this passed year I crossed paths on UA-cam infjs , since then I've door slammed alot of people based on so much as in this video, definitely was hard but slowly since getting them out of my life and as I continue to lean more I can truly say I'm happier, with some sadness but only because of now knowing of how I can not make my self small so I don't have to continue that roller coaster of a door slam
Best insight ever and I’m not even an INFJ (I believe I am an INTJ). I don’t like “your truth” expression but I know nobody asked me. Thank you very much ❤️
I disagree - it's common not to expect anything in return. That has been irrelevant in every time I've door slammed someone. The only reason I've done it after being lied to and betrayed. It's not expecting something in return - it's when they attack/betray you when you wanted nothing from them.
As I find myself soooo READY and now WANTING to door slam somebody very very close to me, this person seems to be changing. After a life threatening hospital stay, they are showing more appreciation, consideration and not only patience but the rough side is not very prevalent any longer. I feel like it will come back but Im finding it difficult to act on ridding the (former) toxicity from my life and feeling the freedom that comes from letting me be myself without fear of how upset anyone may feel because if it.
Yes,indeed.No mather how many times and how many "ways" I let someone know tgat we arr going to do the "door slam" they really don't believe it...unti l tgey get IT.
The last 2 people I door slammed(a covert narcissist ex girlfriend,and an insincere backstabbing "friend")I felt instant relief.With everything they were doing I believe I had no other choice.Other people that I've needed to get away from,I just walked away. If others can't accept me the way I am,especially a potential romantic relationship, they will not have any place in my life.
Thank you for this video Wenzes and for this awesome community that I learn a lot from. Btw Wenzes: grey, purple, pink, and that blue-ish purple color you had on in your winter depression video, all suit you very much!
I think when all you feel is turmoil inside with another, sometimes the only way is to remove yourself. I can't stay in a place with someone who just keeps crossing an important boundary. It is just too much to have so much turmoil within. Have to have 'peace' and calm within.
I have done this ... more than once ... more than twice ... more than three times... ok ok ... but I am not exaggerating when I do this ... I realize our relationship be it friend or lover, has been wounded in an irreparable way... the TRUST gets broken in a way I’ll never be able to let them close to me in any way again, and usually it takes a number a things breaking my trust to do this. So yes ... and I will NEVER apologize for it and i warn other if I’m emotional angry sad about us and I’m coming to you to fix it then we are still ok, (I usually mourn the loss of the relationship like a death right before(days weeks months before I slam a door) so when I have no emotion and walk away ... uh oh. Smh. It’s too late. So whose fault? Don’t matter. I give chances and I’m forgiving more than most ... which is usually why they think it’s unexpected... THIS time ... I didn’t let it slide... so if you got a door slam, you have used up your 9 lives of the relationship. Bye. And Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. *slams door*
You are always so focused in triying to say what you want to say but in the end of the video you fail to make a sentence and i saw that child in you, so cute :)
I never think door slamming on them is a punishment to them like 'that's what they get.' It's just progressive after lots of thought and the conclusion. I inherently do it after exhausting all means or if betrayed... then they are dead to me. The door is closed 100%. Bolted. Welded. Traps setup. This is usually only after betrayal and I've concluded they are not good people at heart or they are just toxic.
Such a dope video, absolutely agree with everything you said here. I always gave and gave and I was treated like shit and then I really had to doorslam those people. I mean there is a limit to everything. I mean I couldn't take it anymore. I agree with what you said here🌈❤️
Hey there :) Question: why do you think the other person would ask us "why would you not be yourself?" Some people I met did not give a damn about that, so I'm curious. I'm also trying to 'come up', or so to say test the waters so people see, if they like me for who I am or not, maybe that's why I feel like I do fading much more often than door slam. I believe I did the actual doorslam only as a kid. On a completely different note, what is your relationship with animals/pets? I haven't heard you mention it yet.
People never actually told me ‚why are you not yourself‘...people who actually got upset with me could tell we are hiding something. Most people had no idea but I never had any issues with them because they DIDN‘t Realize I was being untrue. I like animals and pets but I have never had any. When I was little my grandpa had goats that I took care of 😊
As someone who identifies as an INFJ I cannot recall ever doorslamming anybody... Am I the only one? Not in a way that feels different from other people at least
Thank you wenzes we have to let go honesty some people just do things their way and its does hurts they knows its hurting you and they just don't care so we have to let go thank you again you help me too let go
Came at the perfect time! I find that if i argue with people using my Ti that I can defend my Fi with my Ti logic. I can set boundaries like a real BITCH when I am sticking to respect. Sticking to respect is a lot better than doorslamming through my Fi. I could go on and on about INFJ door slam, but I Tthink you get the picture!
My thought has been lately what it does to you as you mentioned. I have to be proactive now and sometimes tell people, "If I ever say or do anything that bothers you, please tell me." Not everyone knows or sees with the same lense. Unless you have truly walked in anothers shoes, it is impossible to know what interpersonal dynamics could be stirred by what we say, do or don't do. I noticed today an unexpressed discomfort in someone. I stepped back on the topic we were discussing. Maybe I was wrong in my intuition, though at this point, it is better to err on the side of caution than to accidentally enter a place where a wound exists.
I did my first door-slamming ever a few years ago. The role of swf good and nice girls frankly changed. I did not also change. Maybe I can ride it out long enough as a hermit for my age to put me in a different category. Until then it feels like I'm a white-tail rack in dear season and old people who were once close seem like predators.
👻 The door slam is ghosting. I don’t accept paranormal activity. He is dead to me. I am going to pray for him and to be able to forgive him. ENFJ dealing with a toxic INFJ. He slammed the door on me and I nailed it shut. No more of his controlling, manipulation.
I have a question about infj door slam. Have any of you infj’s ever doorslamed someone who didn’t deserve it? Basically this happened to me not long ago. I’m an infp who got blocked on Facebook messenger by the infj girl I really liked. The story is too long for me to write out and give every detail, but I was kind and good to her and she blocked me because she was hurt by others trying to make a connection with her only to break her trust and do what she claimed was inappropriate things that made her feel very uncomfortable. I tried to be sympathetic and understanding of her situation, but she still shut me out. I believe she did this out of self preservation rather than a personal attack against me, but it still hurt like hell being cut off from someone I really cared for and liked. She didn’t know me that well and was afraid I would do the same bad things as the others so she shut me out before she really got to know me at all. It was like things were over before they even began.
What happens when you try to explain the type of person you are and why you think the way you think or act the way you act to the people you are about to door slam but they still misunderstand you and take your explanation as mere excuses not to "change"? I am frankly tired of being a 'people pleaser' but sometimes wanting to be simply me is misinterpreted as me being mean.
it's the infj's fault for not being authentic but instead a doormat and people pleaser and then (WITHOUT ANY COMMUNICATION) they just punch you in the face! :)) infjs should learn some authenticity, self awareness and emotional self-regulation!
One actually one doesn't have to do it at all really. I hear assumptions in the video that there are expectations of what one is doing should be appreciated at minimum and respected and perhaps should be done in a certain way. I also hear assumptions that what you're doing is what the other person really likes and appreciates. While I'm sure those things are nice--I think you're setting yourself up for it a little bit
Hear a lot of disappointment and frustation in your voice about past relationsships and understand why you would want to protect yourself from having those experiences. So trying to set boundaries and telling people upfront.. but maybe on this point now you become a bit unapprochable for some..? Too much..? this video was a year ago. How is that now?
Thanks guys for watching! Share your experiences so we can all help each other!
I like being in relationships where both people care equally about the relationship. Otherwise, the whole thing is lopsided. People end up getting hurt in this kind of relationship.
I had to learn that when i start feeling bad or negative about myself in a relationship it's time to leave it. I tell the other person how I feel and if they don't change the way they treat me I move on. They'll never be able to say I didn't warn them.
I hate telling people who I am I want them to figure it out it makes things more interesting but you still do have to give them Clues as to how to treat you.
This is gold. Thanks. Bad break up with an ENFP and have been considering the door slam but I am exhausted of this approach 😒
When people don't understand why they got door slammed it proves you done right and things were never going to change.
Great video Wenzes, I find door slamming is done out of self respect. There comes a time when you realise someone has zero respect for you and NEVER will. Time to slam the door.
I agree
Took me years to stop twisting myself into a pretzel for people...now my boundaries are rock solid...I don't say yes to placate people...I require those I care about to meet me where I'm at, just as much as I meet them on their mental turf....wish I would've been stronger years ago, lot of pain could've been avoided.
_NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE_
👏👏👏 exactly 👌
Me too.
Don't do the "nice" thing [shrink yourself on behalf of others without them even asking you], do the KIND thing [be yourself and lead by example in authenticity]. Good stuff!
Live your truth, all day every day. Those who are meant to stay will stay, those who are not, simply weren't 💭
👍👍 thanks!
Oh I like this! Just took a screen shot so I can remember 👏👏
After getting it wrong so many times ( compromising myself) I've grown stronger in the reality that MOST PEOPLE will just not get you, or respect your personal values. We have got to learn to be ok alone and in our own company. We door slam because in the beginning of the relationship we COMPROMISE. It's scary being an INFJ that GENUINELY cares about humanity and craves depth and intimacy to face the aspect of social and emotional isolation. Once you stop giving a fuck, you will be willing to be on a desert island with a soccer ball than be with one more person that you can't be authentic with and the "love" not hurt.
Every time I’ve had to door slam it was a defense mechanism. I did it to protect or defend myself from continuous hurt from people or being constantly taken for granted and advantage of. By the time us INFJ’s door slams, we’ve already been hurt. There’s only been a handful of people I’ve had to door slam but I didn’t feel bad because I endured and gave a lot up until that point. I had to respect myself enough to shut it down even if it meant shutting out and/or cutting off people that were causing me harm and pain constantly regardless of how much they meant to me. 🤷🏽♀️ Great video here!🙂👌🏽
The ultimate act of self-care for INFJs... Thank you for covering it! :)
Thanks Marko 😊
The person who cares the most about a relationship is the one who has less power.
Very true...there should always be a balance in a relationship
The best relationships have nothing to do with power. I am now thinking that "cares the most" is in itself a power dynamic as I write this I wish no power over anyone at all. I never ever want to believe I care the most ever again.
Power and control are red flags for unhealthy narcissism. It's immaturity, like a toddler trapped in an adults body, with adult consequences. We are attracted to similar IQ levels and similar maturity levels, so if you disagree with my opinion, and think power and control is the only answer...then you're trapped in your own immaturity bubble, and can't see outside your own reality that yes, some adults are in healthy interdependent relationship that'll you will never experience, so it won't matter to you anyways. ~ (INFJ-A)
The door slam is necessary some people need to go so that we can grow because we can't change other people.
When I have door slammed people in the past, I believed that I had no choice. I didn't know what else to do. But yes, I always felt horrible afterwards. Now, I see other ways to handle the situation, better ways. And prevention is the best way--to keep things from getting to that point.
👍😊
I have door slammed my entire family.
I'm hoping not to have to door slam anybody in the future now that I've raised the bar for who I share myself with and how I spend my time interacting with others. The past 8 years of my life have been about redefining my life in the wake of a divorce and the onset of a series of health issues. At first I really stretched my social muscle reaching out for support from others. Health issues caused me to turn inwards and even farther inwards after realizing few of my current friends could relate to what I was experiencing. Your channel as well as other MBTI channels helped me better understand the dynamics playing out there. I'm now in search of people more like me (intuitive, introverted, etc.) and lowering or eliminating my exposure to people who react poorly to me or even mistreat me. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this but the last person I door-slammed not only mistreated me but also didn't interest me. These days I find her loud and boring. I see this person regularly so now when I cringe and avoid her, I realize so much of the previous dynamic was about me trying to adapt to what I thought was an unavoidable social connection. I thought that I *should* like her. Putting myself front and center in my life, being more defined about the qualities I seek in others, and disregarding other's misunderstandings or preconceptions of me have been the three greatest steps I've made towards health and happiness. Wenzes you played a big role in lighting the way for me - Thank you!
👍👍👍 glad I could be of help
I'm slamming the door for life. I can't try anymore. 🙏 😊
The "door slam" is often necessary as a last resort, and it's often the only option if you are dealing with an outright narcissist: what's called "going no contact".
Yes! I try to not start any relationships with narcissist to begin with, the sooner I don‘t back down the sooner narcissist leave themselves or I lose any understanding for their behavior and leave the narcissist before it leads to the door slam
@@Wenzes I can spot them a mile off - but I still have to work with a few, sadly. I'm working on changing that though. I'm just glad I'm not in a relationship with one. I feel for those who are - in a big way.
A lot of my INFJ door slams were like Disappearing Acts. At the time it was the best I could do, and adequate to the occasions. But in this video, you show us a mindset that keeps us from needing to use it at all! ☺ You're giving a good-hearted but firmly assertive approach to self acceptance that can improve the odds of not needing the door slam. It's good preventative advice!
It is not sp easy to explain"normal people"what we are going to do...because we have being so "at their needs"they might take us for stupid.Giving is something that we need to do....continually(just like the glass that she is comparing that energy to).
Yep be open and honest about who you are/what you believe upfront. Don't hold back because of a perceived outcome. You are only responsible for being authentically you. How others choose to react to it is their choice, don't deprive them of it no matter how much you want to. Be 100% yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Man I'm preaching to my dang self. Lol. Thanks for the remainder.
This video really helped me to get perspective on how I've fostered my relationships. Your videos help me to realize that there's so much more to life than "fitting in". I love the positivity and your approach to life. Stay awesome!
Its like everything that I'm thinking, you know how to phrase it in a way that fosters growth. I watched the video ready to debate with my world views but listening to you teaches me so much patience.
Glad to read that Khalil! Thanks for your feedback 😊
Wow you nailed it. Yes that's why it happens. But really it's our responsibility to show up with our boundaries in the first place. and I totally get what you were saying about not being yourself to protect them. I do that too. I ironically just did a door slam about 3 hours ago.
Haha they probably deserved it!!
Sometimes you door slam somebody when it's you yourself who's being toxic, while they're being kind and understanding but maybe pointing out things that you don't want to deal with, truth that you're not ready 4 or feel like you're not ready for. I found I'm usually door slamming people when I'm the one who should be door slammed.
Truth
This really describes what I went through this last years with someone I really cared about. But, at some point I realized that I was shrinking myself so much so that the other person could feel better about herself and the worst of it all was that she enjoyed this. So the breaking point was when I became so conscious of that, that I decided to break free to protect myself. That was really heartbreaking but necessary!
Sending you much love and strength! You got this!!!
This is the best explanation and most accurate description of door slam. 👍
I just Door Slammed my girlfriend of 10 months, 3 weeks ago.
After a period of time trying to get to know her as a person to feel a connection before sexual contact, I decided I wanted to be with her, and that I was going to be good to her in spite of a few minor red flags. I over extended myself to her, thinking I’m going to give her a emotionally deep relationship to her core, that only an INFJ can give.
She loved it, she’s never been loved and cared for like that before, as an INFJ, the world is oblivious to me and a total blur, when I’m focused on one woman in a relationship, but eventually she took it for granted, until I complained I was being taken for granted, and several lame attempts on her part to work it out.
I got tired of feeling like I was being gaslighted, I went no contact for 9 days until she contacted me, everything was wonderful for a week and a half, until I started critically thinking and analytically reasoning, I noticed a pattern, it dawned on me that she probably had another dude in her pocket and she’s putting me through a cycle, to see how long I’m going to put up with her gaslighting, while her financially benefiting from a boyfriend.
As painful as it was and still is, an INFJ can give you the benefit of the doubt the first time, but when that plane hits the second tower (for lack of a better analogy) right then and there, you know exactly what’s up!
Without warning, I blocked her from EVERYTHING, grieved, then looked forward and am keeping it moving.
When you know you’ve been above board and 💯 the whole time because as an INFJ that’s how you are, it’s easy to see “if someone stepped in shit, it was bullshit!”, and you no longer see them and respect them for who you perceived them to be and analytically who you realize, they will Never be, but who in fact who they really are... then it’s easy to Slam that Door Shut! 🚪
Sorry for the “Text wall”.
This is so accurate!! Really really well explained all the way through. It's also really painful to continue to live, doing things for people that they do not even see or recognize when it is self-sacrificing as you said. When you realize they don't even see or realize what you're doing, is extremely painful because you feel like all your effort and strengths are for nothing and unnoticed, unused, unappreciated-- Another reason why it's important to speak your voice early on, and not secretly keep it to yourself, hoping to be acknowledged one day. I feel the hardest part of this is understanding the difference between 'not sacrificing yourself' and 'being selfish.' I mistake often that serving others must be self-sacrificing, and that self-sacrificing is a good thing too often until it leads to a painful relationship as you mentioned. It's a mindset habit that's difficult to break.
I've got a deep question for you. This topic brought it to mind. Do you think most infjs have dealt with childhood abuse or trauma that caused them to become infjs in the first place? Seems a lot of us are empathetic people because we've dealt with some rough stuff and then tend to get walked on as adults. thus creating the need for these door slam scenarios...? Because we haven't learned better boundaries or coping skills yet.
Sorry to get heavy but I'm seeing some correlation there.
Yes, I also see correlations there...I personally think we are born with a personality type and certain personality types just attract trauma because we need extra protection as children that we don't get
@@Wenzes ah the whole nature versus nurture debate! Love it 👍
When your different, aware and sensitive you need more from your parents and surroundings. Being only 2 to 3% of the population these needs get rarely met. Plus energetically speaking we are very magnetic to negative energies so not understanding ourselves or our power we end up in a lot of traumatizing and one sided situation.
True
I've done this with 4 narcissistic relationships came across your videos in my research knowing I'm a empath but now I know I'm a infj too. It's crazy how I relate to everything my mom's is retrained. Thanks
There are a lot of things about this topic. The main problen of INFJ-s is that we very much use our emotional intense to bring forward the best in the people we interact with to a point when we didnt ask ourselfs is that the most right thing to do with exactly this person in this exact situation. It dosent necessary for this person to be a narcisist or someone with clear bad intentions against us from the beginning. It's been said that what you do to yourself no one coud do to you so it's very much necessary for the person infront of us to be awere of that and be capable to help himself otherways it will be a situation of constantly sacrifising for nothing and door slam at the end.
I am the KING of the "door slam" :D
I appreciate all you've said on INFJ Door Slam.
It's what I've wanted to say a long while now. I just wanted to be myself, showing the real me and not to do things just to satisfy others. The trouble is people think it's just my underhanded way to get them to appreciate me, which is painful to accept coz I've been trying my best to be the authentic "me". I want to do things that I want to do as a normal being, no hidden agenda and most of all, allay their fears that a reconciliation is all I want. No. I wish all will realise an amicable acceptance of each one's desire is still possible peacefully,
yup.. when I'm done, I'm DONE.
I tried to press the like button multiple times but it just doesn’t work!
It doesn't work for me when I download and then watch, even if I'm online when I watch. Argh... if you downloaded, go out of your library and try liking while watching the online version.
😊❤️
Oh my ..... what a great video. I'm an INFJ and people used to abuse me emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't door slam often but when another person doesn't want to know you and respect your personal passions be it personal development, science or helping others. Yet wants to unload and moan when you are being you. Trying to dictate on how you should be via their personal views. Is wrong and this is when I door slam. Yes I hurt when this happens but it's for the best. Be it for me or another. Many people are on different paths.
To sum it all up: don't be a pushover.
As an injf that wasn't really made aware of any of what an infj personality is about growing (1980s) (36 now) over this passed year I crossed paths on UA-cam infjs , since then I've door slammed alot of people based on so much as in this video, definitely was hard but slowly since getting them out of my life and as I continue to lean more I can truly say I'm happier, with some sadness but only because of now knowing of how I can not make my self small so I don't have to continue that roller coaster of a door slam
👍👍
I appreciate all what you said on this
Thanks Minda
You are really helping me grow, thank you!!
😃
Best insight ever and I’m not even an INFJ (I believe I am an INTJ). I don’t like “your truth” expression but I know nobody asked me. Thank you very much ❤️
The example of talking too much about personal development making others uncomfortable was on point! 😅🙄😆😮💨
I disagree - it's common not to expect anything in return. That has been irrelevant in every time I've door slammed someone. The only reason I've done it after being lied to and betrayed. It's not expecting something in return - it's when they attack/betray you when you wanted nothing from them.
As I find myself soooo READY and now WANTING to door slam somebody very very close to me, this person seems to be changing. After a life threatening hospital stay, they are showing more appreciation, consideration and not only patience but the rough side is not very prevalent any longer.
I feel like it will come back but Im finding it difficult to act on ridding the (former) toxicity from my life and feeling the freedom that comes from letting me be myself without fear of how upset anyone may feel because if it.
Why would you want to take away the door slamming. ? What is wrong with it?
I was trying to figure out why i kick people out of my small circle of friendship. Turns out its a personality syndrome 😁
Hehe
Yes,indeed.No mather how many times and how many "ways" I let someone know tgat we arr going to do the "door slam" they really don't believe it...unti l tgey get IT.
The last 2 people I door slammed(a covert narcissist ex girlfriend,and an insincere backstabbing "friend")I felt instant relief.With everything they were doing I believe I had no other choice.Other people that I've needed to get away from,I just walked away.
If others can't accept me the way I am,especially a potential romantic relationship, they will not have any place in my life.
Thank you for this video Wenzes and for this awesome community that I learn a lot from. Btw Wenzes: grey, purple, pink, and that blue-ish purple color you had on in your winter depression video, all suit you very much!
Thank you!!! 😊
I think when all you feel is turmoil inside with another, sometimes the only way is to remove yourself. I can't stay in a place with someone who just keeps crossing an important boundary. It is just too much to have so much turmoil within. Have to have 'peace' and calm within.
Love your view of things! Thx for the advice.
thank you!!! 😊
Its either we walk away or we Versuvius.
Sometimes they don't even get through the door haha.
I have done this ... more than once ... more than twice ... more than three times... ok ok ... but I am not exaggerating when I do this ... I realize our relationship be it friend or lover, has been wounded in an irreparable way... the TRUST gets broken in a way I’ll never be able to let them close to me in any way again, and usually it takes a number a things breaking my trust to do this. So yes ... and I will NEVER apologize for it and i warn other if I’m emotional angry sad about us and I’m coming to you to fix it then we are still ok, (I usually mourn the loss of the relationship like a death right before(days weeks months before I slam a door) so when I have no emotion and walk away ... uh oh. Smh. It’s too late. So whose fault? Don’t matter. I give chances and I’m forgiving more than most ... which is usually why they think it’s unexpected... THIS time ... I didn’t let it slide... so if you got a door slam, you have used up your 9 lives of the relationship. Bye. And Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. *slams door*
Right.
You are always so focused in triying to say what you want to say but in the end of the video you fail to make a sentence and i saw that child in you, so cute :)
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I never think door slamming on them is a punishment to them like 'that's what they get.' It's just progressive after lots of thought and the conclusion. I inherently do it after exhausting all means or if betrayed... then they are dead to me. The door is closed 100%. Bolted. Welded. Traps setup. This is usually only after betrayal and I've concluded they are not good people at heart or they are just toxic.
Such a dope video, absolutely agree with everything you said here. I always gave and gave and I was treated like shit and then I really had to doorslam those people. I mean there is a limit to everything. I mean I couldn't take it anymore. I agree with what you said here🌈❤️
😀
Hey there :)
Question: why do you think the other person would ask us "why would you not be yourself?" Some people I met did not give a damn about that, so I'm curious.
I'm also trying to 'come up', or so to say test the waters so people see, if they like me for who I am or not, maybe that's why I feel like I do fading much more often than door slam. I believe I did the actual doorslam only as a kid.
On a completely different note, what is your relationship with animals/pets? I haven't heard you mention it yet.
People never actually told me ‚why are you not yourself‘...people who actually got upset with me could tell we are hiding something. Most people had no idea but I never had any issues with them because they DIDN‘t Realize I was being untrue.
I like animals and pets but I have never had any. When I was little my grandpa had goats that I took care of 😊
haha, that must have been difficult! They're so stubborn 😃
As someone who identifies as an INFJ I cannot recall ever doorslamming anybody... Am I the only one? Not in a way that feels different from other people at least
Thank you wenzes we have to let go honesty some people just do things their way and its does hurts they knows its hurting you and they just don't care so we have to let go thank you again you help me too let go
👍👍👍
Came at the perfect time! I find that if i argue with people using my Ti that I can defend my Fi with my Ti logic. I can set boundaries like a real BITCH when I am sticking to respect. Sticking to respect is a lot better than doorslamming through my Fi.
I could go on and on about INFJ door slam, but I Tthink you get the picture!
My thought has been lately what it does to you as you mentioned.
I have to be proactive now and sometimes tell people, "If I ever say or do anything that bothers you, please tell me." Not everyone knows or sees with the same lense. Unless you have truly walked in anothers shoes, it is impossible to know what interpersonal dynamics could be stirred by what we say, do or don't do.
I noticed today an unexpressed discomfort in someone. I stepped back on the topic we were discussing. Maybe I was wrong in my intuition, though at this point, it is better to err on the side of caution than to accidentally enter a place where a wound exists.
Is it a choice or physiological reaction or both?
I did my first door-slamming ever a few years ago. The role of swf good and nice girls frankly changed. I did not also change. Maybe I can ride it out long enough as a hermit for my age to put me in a different category. Until then it feels like I'm a white-tail rack in dear season and old people who were once close seem like predators.
👻 The door slam is ghosting. I don’t accept paranormal activity. He is dead to me. I am going to pray for him and to be able to forgive him. ENFJ dealing with a toxic INFJ. He slammed the door on me and I nailed it shut. No more of his controlling, manipulation.
But it's a real challenge when one of my kids is a covert narcissist.. her husband is tooo .. don't want to door slam them.. any advise?
I have a question about infj door slam. Have any of you infj’s ever doorslamed someone who didn’t deserve it? Basically this happened to me not long ago. I’m an infp who got blocked on Facebook messenger by the infj girl I really liked. The story is too long for me to write out and give every detail, but I was kind and good to her and she blocked me because she was hurt by others trying to make a connection with her only to break her trust and do what she claimed was inappropriate things that made her feel very uncomfortable. I tried to be sympathetic and understanding of her situation, but she still shut me out. I believe she did this out of self preservation rather than a personal attack against me, but it still hurt like hell being cut off from someone I really cared for and liked. She didn’t know me that well and was afraid I would do the same bad things as the others so she shut me out before she really got to know me at all. It was like things were over before they even began.
How do other personalities not door slam?
It‘s not a personality type thing...it‘s all about early boundary setting and saying ‚no‘ very early on
What happens when you try to explain the type of person you are and why you think the way you think or act the way you act to the people you are about to door slam but they still misunderstand you and take your explanation as mere excuses not to "change"? I am frankly tired of being a 'people pleaser' but sometimes wanting to be simply me is misinterpreted as me being mean.
it's the infj's fault for not being authentic but instead a doormat and people pleaser and then (WITHOUT ANY COMMUNICATION) they just punch you in the face! :))
infjs should learn some authenticity, self awareness and emotional self-regulation!
One actually one doesn't have to do it at all really. I hear assumptions in the video that there are expectations of what one is doing should be appreciated at minimum and respected and perhaps should be done in a certain way. I also hear assumptions that what you're doing is what the other person really likes and appreciates. While I'm sure those things are nice--I think you're setting yourself up for it a little bit
Hear a lot of disappointment and frustation in your voice about past relationsships and understand why you would want to protect yourself from having those experiences. So trying to set boundaries and telling people upfront.. but maybe on this point now you become a bit unapprochable for some..? Too much..? this video was a year ago. How is that now?
Am very very anti-doorslam