“My boyfriend doesn’t care about money. Will I ever feel secure?”
Вставка
- Опубліковано 31 лип 2024
- Ramit Sethi of I Will Teach You To Be Rich talks to Jake and Hannah, who bring a younger perspective to the podcast today. 26 and 31 respectively, they find themselves in different seasons of life-especially when it comes to money. Hannah is about to have her own practice as a therapist while Jake is a ski instructor. Can they connect, even from different seasons of life?
-
🚨 GET RAMIT SETHI’S WEEKLY MONEY NEWSLETTER
* I share news ways to think about money every Saturday. Get the emails here: iwt.com/podcastnewsletter-yt
🙌 GET HELP FROM RAMIT SETHI
* Take control of your money with the Conscious Spending Plan: iwt.com/csp-youtube
* Optimize your credit cards with the 1st chapter of my book: iwt.com/chapter1-youtube
* Join my Money Coaching program for monthly help: iwt.com/moneycoaching-youtube
🤳 CONNECT WITH RAMIT SETHI
* Instagram: / ramit
* X: / ramit
* LinkedIn: / ramitsethi
✅ SUBSCRIBE SO YOU DON’T MISS ANY EPISODES
/ ramitsethi
-
Can’t-miss moments
00:00:00 - 1: Opening
00:03:15 - 2: How NOT to start a conversation with your partner about money
00:07:43 - 3: The painstaking way they split grocery bills
00:19:21 - 4: Jake reveals he doesn't like rich people
00:22:22 - 5: Hannah gets teary recounting her upbringing with money
00:26:53 - 6: "I'm deathly scared to combine our lives"
00:32:02 - 7: Is Jake stressed about money or not?
00:37:55 - 8: How Jake was raised with money
00:40:43 - 9: Ramit: "Arguments about groceries are usually never about groceries"
00:44:23 - 10: "It's very difficult to live a Rich Life when you're Venmo'ing receipts"
00:46:51 - 11: Ramit gives them a new way to look at their life together
00:53:03 - 12: Ramit breaks down their numbers
00:55:51 - 13: They get their fixed costs from 83% to 44%?!
01:01:09 - 14: Jake and Hannah plan a trip together
01:05:26 - 15: Their follow-ups
_
If you and your partner have a money issue and you want my help, I occasionally select a couple to work with, free of charge. Apply for my help here: forms.gle/pjYMaLeThJM3z9uN6
Produced by Crate Media.
0:00 Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize.
Download the Conscious Spending Plan so you can use your money GUILT-FREE: iwt.com/csp-youtube
@ramitsethi I would be living if you did a money asmr so my subconscious mind can live and breathe 🧘🏾♀️ success in my sleep!! I was actually like yes 🙌🏾 I do need this, after the add Lool.
Hi @ramitsethi loving these pods and getting insights into the different money mindsets and dynamics of the couples! Keep it up :D have a Question please about the CSP.
I've just downloaded your CSP template and as I was filling it out, I noticed in the Fixed costs section you have a column for "Debt Payments".
We have no consumer debt, but, we do have Investment debt in the form of Interest Only loans for our Rental properties.
Where would you suggest I put in these debt payments? Would you consider these under the "Investments" or "Savings Goals" section of your CSP?
@ramitsethi when you show the conscious spending plan with the new salary the numbers were incorrect in the net income. It said the combine was $11,106 but when you add $2636 + $4054 you get $6,690. So the fixed cost is still high at 74%!!!
She can't change him, only herself. She knows what she wants. She needs to accept that he doesn't want the same things. Therefore, she needs to make the decision to stay or leave and move on. She knows that she needs to move on, she just feels bad.
I'm not entirely sure why these two are together. They seem to have very different life goals both short and long term, financially and otherwise.
Bingo! But I think she really cares about him and doesn’t want to break up. I’ve been young before too.
Yeah it seems she’s playing the mom role in the relationship. Doesn’t seem aligned at all. They are both sweet though! But they will likely end up with better suited people down the road
@@JustAGrl007 Lol. I was also young once. Hence I could spot this a mile off. Perhaps they can work it out and come to an agreement. Either way, I hope they don't spend 10 years trying to decide like I did!
I agree, they seem completely mismatched in several ways.
Must be more lust and passion than logic 😂
I love how honest Jake is, he’s not making excuses for who he is and I appreciate that about him.
Now Hannah you are old enough to know that this relationship, this is a roommate and I think you know that this is not for you. 3 years on is not a long time, you are both young and can get out NOW!
You are both good people, just not for each other.
She’s 31, which isn’t exactly young if she wants to find Mr Right and start a family. She needs to act now
She can try but nothing is guaranteed
I was married to someone like this guy (little motivation related to money) for 25 years. I worked as a RN and I was fully in charge of our finances. The problem was when I had trouble managing the money, it was all my fault. He had none of the accountability. Our marriage ended in divorce and money was a contributing factor (among many other things). I highly encourage these nice young people to get on the same page. Or, move along.
If you were fully in charge of the money, why wasn't it your fault when you had financial problems? Why should he be accountable if you were in charge? Maybe there's missing information.
@@juditharsenault2131 Because in a partnership accountability isn't about "fault".
@@juditharsenault2131 I think he meant they don’t have enough money. As an RN, he could technically go get a second job to pay for her instead of getting divorce.
He doesn't want to grow up and like all woman, her clock is running out on having a family.
Move on. You only have one life
@@juditharsenault2131 I think she mean when their is no money, she is the only one to worry how to pay mortgage and utilities.
Him being afraid of having 'exorbitant wealth' is definitely a cop out to keep the status quo. Its like not wanting to lift weighs because youre afraid youll look like a bodybuilder - when in reality you would need to train in an extreme way to get to that point.
Hannah, please get yourself an older guy. This guy still is figuring out what he wants in life.
Wait, I though guys were not supposed to get with younger women!?
@@mithicash1444 huh? Where did you get that? Guys are not supposed to get with underaged women you mean
🤣@@danitaaaas
@@mithicash1444
Older means also her same age.
She is 31 and he is 26.
He is playing around with his jobs.
But we are in the era of gender equality,she can be the man in this house hold , but if women are not comfortable with this then , many women should be prepared to be single All their lives, because in this era there is no way maturity of men are going to earned more than women
26 to 31, seems like they’re in different places in life. Wishing the two their best.
I am 56 years old and I can tell you that our background plays a huge part in the people we allow into our lives later on. She may not realize it, but she may be hanging on to this relationship because it keeps her scared and anxious and that' may be her default.
That doesn't mean she wants it that way. That means that she, unconsciously draws in individuals who will cause her anxiety and stress.
Very insightful. You may be right.
Spot on..I feel she knows she can't change him but she freaks out the minute the talk is about ending it. I could literally see her getting hit by the abandonment melange.
Very wise observation. Growing up she mentioned being used to feeling anxious. Subconsciously she’s still submitting herself to that position.
Totally agree! I felt so terribly sad for her...
I have some strong thoughts on this one, having worked as a ski instructor for ten years. While I was never full-time (did it for extra money and passes), I have several friends and couples who are and it has challenges. Here are some things they'll face:
Skiing is a young person's sport. Jake is 26 but won't be able to maintain his level of work forever. During the busy season, full-time instructors/guides may be working 20 to 30 days straight. They may be working injured and they will definitely be working sick. I've had supervisors pass out Monster drinks and cold medicine in our morning meetings to keep everyone going. If you get injured bad enough you can't ski (blew out my ACL one year), your pay drastically drops. Workers comp doesn't take into account tips and bonuses and that's where your salary really comes from.
Living in the mountains close to where you work is expensive. Most people are living in employee housing or with six roommates. For those of us with homes, we're driving 2+ hours each day (not to mention gas money) to get to work, and that's if the roads are clear. It once took me four hours to get to work due to a blinding blizzard (I would've gotten written up if I didn't show). Want to have kids? Forget getting anything nearby and forget having the energy to engage with them for a month straight.
Then there's the question of summer work. Will you find anything worth paying local or will you have to go out of state? I knew one guy who guided skiers in the winter and rafts in the summer. His girlfriend (my friend) went weeks without seeing him. You'll have gaps between jobs where you're figuring out insurance and such.
I know two couples closely trying to navigate this.
Couple 1: Both were ski bums. She lived with her parents until her 40s (she would travel in the shoulder seasons) and taught swimming (at her parents' pool) in the summer. This worked out great until she got injured in her late 30s and realized she needed something more stable. She got a regular job (only thing she could find was call center work since she'd never done anything else) and moved to part-time skiing until she became pregnant with twins. He had to quit skiing to both help support the family and because his knees were shot and he was constantly in pain. They only managed to get a house due to help from parents and an inheritance.
Couple 2: Both ski/biking bums but she had a full-time corporate job whereas he guided heli skiing in the winter and rafting in the summer. She had her own place while he lived with five guys. Their relationship was fine until about the year mark when they started talking long-term. He kept saying he wanted to find more secure full-time work but wouldn't do anything to actually follow through. She realized if they moved in together, she would be mostly supporting him if he came with her. He was also content living with five guys and actually encouraged her to move in with them. The thing is she would love to quit her own job and have his careers but didn't want the risk and sacrifice that came with it. Nope to living with a bunch of dudes. If they were to move in with her providing all of the money, she knew she'd grow to resent him. They broke up.
I think these two might be at very different times of life. They really need to sit down and figure out what they want in the next five years. My guess is she's going to want to be more settled (she's done her playing with being a flight attendant) and he's not going to want to settle for another five or more years.
I was thinking along the same lines. The guy can’t picture a future. He doesn’t think he’ll get injured or even get older.
As soon as he gets hurt, he’s done for.
Wow! Interesting story!
I hope they read your comment as I think you bring great perspective and detailed examples. It might help them reevaluate their lives now as well as what their future would look like.
trueee
You have articulated a lot of what I'm thinking. I was in a relationship like theirs, and we broke up a year ago. Not for the same reasons, at least not overtly, but after two seconds I can see how it was probably a contributing factor - we ultimately wanted different things! I didn't pursue money the same way the woman here is, but I definitely see my ex with what this guy is saying. I also think he feels stuck, and I'm not sure that's getting addressed in the episode. That adventure-bum lifestyle is really hard, but clearly lots of people find it fulfilling. I'm strangely validated in realizing that me and my ex were ultimately never gonna make it, so long as being an adventure bum was his top priority, and mine was feeling stable and secure. Ugh.
No way I see this relationship working out long term. Older woman making good money with a younger guy who seems apathetic and doesn't like rich people. They should wish each other well and part ways.
His eye roll when she finally expressed how she really feels tells a lot
When was that?
49:19 was the most obvious eye roll I saw
@@Ry22futbol You're right. He about fell out of his chair. And think her assessment was spot on.
He rolls his eyes multiple times! So disrespectful!!
@@MissGirl1450 Actually, it looks like he is actually acknowledging she's right, by seeing the totality of his body language and facial gestures.
Unfortunately, Hannah is in such a different place than her younger BF she doesn’t want to see that she needs to part ways with him. It will hurt but she needs to rip that bandage 🩹 on off. The sooner the better!
100
I'm 15 minutes into this video and it feels like my 31 year old self talking to my 26 year old self. lol.
Lol why she can’t find someone her age she’s been dating him since he was 23 he’s now 26.. he’s young and not ambitious they should break up two different places in life
She seems miles ahead of him in maturity and on a different level. I wish them well
She is not more mature than him people want different things money is not everything
She's literally crying every time she talks, yet she is more mature?
She has a victim mentality, started dating a guy who enjoys his career and now that she started (or will be) making more money she is displeased with his financial position.
She literally wants someone like her grandfather who will bail her out in the first financial downturn. She will divorce literally any man at the first financial downturn in a relationship and it's obvious... Even if they have a huge investment portfolio she will divorce if he loses his job.
@@charlesekpima8210he doesnt want money. He wants all the things money provides but doesn’t want to make it. He wants all the freedom a high income provides but says people that make a lot of money are bad.
Saying I don't care about money, it is just numbers on a computer is like saying food is just dead organic material on a plate and therefore I dont care
Yea idk why she’s attracted to someone so dumb
So she had to grow up fast and take care of a mother who was irresponsible and just wanted to float through life while other people handled the finances, and then she cut ties with that mom only to turn around and start dating a guy who is JUST like her own mother.
I don’t quite agree. Jake steps up and wants to contribute. He earns his own money. Her mother didn’t work or contribute. I think that’s a huge difference in values with her mom. He is young though, but if he continues on this path of building his career and investing, it would be interesting to see where he stands when he is 31 himself. But the question is if she is willing to wait 5 years for him to grow up
trauma loves familiarity
Best advice I can offer her. Find someone who is compatible with her financial goals, life goals & will add to her life. I don’t see them having a happy future. She cares too much & he cares too little. They will forever fight unless he kicks it in gear & gets his financial house in order.
I think he cares, and that this isn't ALL about money. There are a lot of undercurrents, but they've also gained more understanding about where each of their differing views spring from. That's a plus. Insight is never wasted.
I think a lot of growth--and choices--are in both their futures. I wish them well.
I say Hannah needs to spend time getting to know and understanding herself…skip going in to another relationship.
I ended a relationship of two years when I was 20, (am now 30) for the reason that even though we loved one another I knew we wanted different life styles. He was content making very little and I knew I desired stability, + a partner that also had a deep passion and drive to create their life. Great episode. My current partner (of almost 6 years) and I have great talks about finance. We are on the same page about where we're at and what we're both excited to build to together.
Financial compatibility is very important in long term partnership. By learning about financial literacy my experience is that is one of the best things you can give yourself.
I really like what you said about deep passion and drive. I don't need someone to make as much as me but I want someone with deep passion and drive about life.
These people are just at different stages in life and want different thinks. At 26 I can't blame Jake for thinking like he does. His mindset is likely to drastically shift with maturity as he approaches 30. For Hannah at 31 it is normal that she's ready to settle, she wants stability and security. Unfortunately Jake can't offer her these things. The decision to make is ultimately hers.
Respectfully 🙂
She’s dating him because internally she’s not that mature. Or else why is she attracted to him? He doesn’t have anything to offer
The comments do not express at all how I felt during this episode. I profoundly respect the fact that he is clear : he wants that job, that career, he made steps in the right direction for him and expresses that no, he might not want to (nore could) make so much more in the future. This is valuable. It's ok to not want to make a large amount of money, it doesn't mean you are irresponsible or young or careless. Sometimes you are just comfortable living a simple life. Since he in addition insists on paying half for everything, the only question I think, is : does she want to contribute more? Does she accepts to be with someone who feels secure with less income?
He is ok with making less because she picks up the slack when they do expensive trips. It’s hypocritical.
I admire how you can transfer energy by asking a different question and her face lights up differently when you change from pain to aspiration
I dated someone like Jake. I don't think his perspective on life is wrong, but he just has different values than his partner.
Personally, I think planner types should be with other planner types. Go with the flow folks with other go with the flow types. Mixing them causes this weird dynamic that we see in this conversation
Jordan Peterson calls this personality type: orderly or disorderly
I don’t know why a planner like her wants to be with someone like him
This
I’m so glad my 22 year old season of life is personal finance 😅 I’m learning so much from this channel
get it! I started my PF journey at 22 and at almost 40, I'm enjoying the very beautiful fruits of my hard work. Keep it up!
When you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you are seeing if you were compatible in your in the dating stage. I don’t see that they’re compatible with money and that’s a big thing. I suggest that they move on from each other and find someone that has more in tune with their mindset and thoughts.
He does have the capability of making more money he’s just not going to ever do it. I also think he’s very immature, he doesn’t like rich people? That seems a bit stereotype.
This whole thing seems like a lot of work, it shouldn’t be that hard especially if they’re just dating 😮
This is almost painful to listen to
omgggg RAMITTT! The plug for Calm. I'd pay for the ASMR Ramit version 🤣 whisper sweet financial nothings into my ears till I fall asleep. Had me laughing out loud.
😂😂😂
I got goosebumps from the whisper. Wasn't expecting that.
In my opinion, almost everyone who’s going skiing is rich. The poor people I know have a hard time even leaving their neighborhoods.
She seems really kind. And that kindness can easily create an environment where her partner doesn’t have to work and she has to carry that burden. With her family history, they definitely should get some help from a therapist. Preferably one who can help her see that she needs a different relationship in order for it to be healthy.
His attitude about money is stressful just listening to it. If I had to go through receipts and divvy up who spent what each week I would rather get a roommate because that's what they are doing.
Yeah if every dollar matters to you it’s worth it I guess but as Ramit alluded to it’s not a part of a rich life I want. My husband, boyfriend at the time would switch off going to the grocery store and switch off paying at restaurants (unless it was a fancy one and we would split). That worked really well for us. Sometimes he got cookies I wouldn’t eat but I would get lettuce he wouldn’t so it worked out in the end
This
Nailed it!
I think Jake and Hannah are not financially compatible and Hannah is scared to be open about it whereas Jake doesn’t realise it despite all the subtext and communication Hannah’s been trying to do between the lines.
I think she knows that and that’s why she’s so upset. 😢
She’s settling because she’s afraid to be alone, and she’s put time into the relationship so she doesn’t want to lose that. They have different values. They should cut their loses and move on from each other
I'd be surprise if this relationship worked out. I don't think either are wrong but they are misaligned in future goals and forcing it to work is only going to drag this failed relationship on for years that they will regret.
Easier at the grocery story that Jake put his own food on the conveyor belt and pay for it separately - than to have to go through the receipt afterwards and pay Hannah back...
It’s really tough when you’re this young and trying to figure out if it’s a seasons of life issue or a fundamental compatibility issue. In my 20s I spent 5 years in a relationship with someone hoping that their financial outlook would evolve and that we would be able to build a closer financial partnership. At the end of the day I had to come to terms with the fact that we weren’t going to see eye to eye. He and I actually had a conversation about it recently (13 years after breaking up) and it confirmed to me that we were never going to have the same values surrounding money. This is not to say that these two can’t get on the same page with time, but the question is how long do you stay in the “wait and see”phase? Ramit, as always, asks the good questions.
100% agree and I lived a very similar experience. In a waaaay different situation now with my current spouse and… I couldn’t be happier and more thankful.
This couple is toast. I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am.
they're not close to being compatible
They're not in the same place in life and they're not going to be anytime soon. The relationship should end with kindness and respect so that they can both find what they really want. Seems Hannah has been in denial a long time. I hope she finds the courage to step out and embrace her new life without repeating the constraint-driven life she lived with her mom by staying tied to someone who cannot provide her the kind of security or common goal-setting she needs.
I fear this couple will turn into that older couple, who Ramit talked with a few months ago, where the guy was the farm/property manager, and didn't care about money.
The lady was always STRESSED because he was so disorganized with his business, their finances and their future.
These two need to go their separate ways because this session accomplished nothing.
Just my two cents,
I wish these two the best. I think Jake has potential to step up. He doesn't need to be rich, he just needs to be a guy that Hannah knows she can count on. All the best to them
I was married to a guy like this for 15 years. He did not 'need' money' and did not take actionnable steps to the dreams or ideas we had. I've ended up paying for everything for our kids and crippled with the responsibility while he is too poor to contribute because he doesn't want to do a job that earns more money. Its a lack of accountability and responsibility .you can see this woman loves him but the reality is this relationship will not work. She needs stability and security - a huge biological drive for women . he is absolutely not gonna provide it. he has different values. Find someone else to love. Otherwise she will spiral into a life of anxiety and stress. I do not think this guy truly loves her because she is pleading with him about her needs and he is not clearly telling her this is not something he is willing to do. It would be more loving to say I am not that kind of guy. Instead she is hanging on to 'maybe some day'. He does not want the same things. he does not want to earn the money to save and pay for trips.
Okay but were they truly the dreams of both of you or just you?
People who say they're not motivated by money are the same people who complain that they can't ever retire in their 60s and rail at the government and society for failing them.
YES
"I would like that too,but I do not have money..." Thats the end product. This boy is not ready .
Yea he is a boy, not a man
They both seem like nice and genuine people. However, it's unfair for Hannah to require Jake to be financially secure at 26 when it sounds like at 31 she's just getting to a point where she feels like she'll make the salary that will allow her to consider herself financially secure. If money and security is important to her she shouldn't have entered into this relationship. They have to very different views on money and he may never be where she needs him to be to feel secure. I think its just a case of them being incompatible.
Mmm I don’t know 26 is not a baby I was making 100k at 26. He just does not care and that goes ageist what she wants.
@@theAppleWizz i'm not saying he's a baby but to act like the age gap doesn't matter is unfair. It's nice that you were making 100k at 26 but most people don't. If she knew him being ambitious and making a nice salary was important she shouldn't have started dating him.
@@XX-fn2wj Completely agree.
For most of the episode, I thought this would be pretty tough for them to find common ground. But the fact that Jake actually read Ramit's book and is applying the strategies he learned makes me feel more hopeful. At lot of stuff still feels unresolved but I hope it works out for them positively, whatever that looks like.
The unresolved part is Hannah is 5 years older than Jake. It's plain & simple. Most people are very different at 31 YO compared to their 26 YO self. It's scary that a Mental Health Therapist (her profession) is totally oblivious to this fact. Wondering why Hannah picked him when she was already 28 YO, surely she already had relationship experiences? Really sounds like this Therapist needs to go to therapy herself. I wouldn't want her for my therapist when she hasn't really dealt with her own issues.
@@jeromehenry4484 I am, as we should all be! There should be no shame in therapy. I was in grad school and wanted to spend my spare time skiing and Jake was a perfect person to do that with. Now that I am out of grad school it is healthy that I am re-evaluating.
@@jeromehenry4484 I don't think it's that simple - Jake doesn't strike me as someone whose values are just because he's young. Life experience will probably make his views more nuanced and practical, but I think this would still be a misalignment even if he and Hannah were the same age.
@@milikoshki Re-read my OP; comment is not focused on Jake, it's focused on Hannah. You are correct about misalignment.
Agreed! I have hope for Jake because his investments savings $150 monthly impressive! Is more than 50 year olds are doing (me). He inspires me just with that to get my butt in gear and start investing.
I think, generally, we should date people at face value. If you don't like who they are now, you'll constantly push to change them. It's a very co-dependant dynamic. Seeking someone who has problems or a shortcoming, partnering with them. Then complaining about pulling extra weight or manipulating the person to be something they are not.
I really appreciate how honest Jake is. Hannah needs to decide if she's willing to change her expectations in the relationship and Jake needs to overcome, what i perceive to be, his insecurities.
Sadly, this is not a money issue - this is a long-term compatibility issue. Their visions of "their future" simply don't align.
So far Jakes is improving on his financial literacy by reading Ramit's book then i feel there's hope for the relationship.
Both of their points of view are completely valid. I found myself relating to both of them and wish them the best.
They’re not compatible. Women need to stop seeing potential in men and choose men who they’re compatible with at present. All women want a man who’s a provider, accept it or not.
Respectfully I disagree. I married a younger man, 4 years when I owned a condo, ski house, car and a healthy retirement account already in 6 figures under 30 and who I made more money than for 10 out of 17 years. He had a rental, a bike and barely contributed to retirement or had savings. I saw his potential versus his present, on paper he was dead on arrival. 17 years later he now makes 40% more than I and that will continue to go up, we invested in multiple properties because he was handy and have a 7 figure net worth excluding our beautiful conservatively valued $600K home with $32K left on mortgage. He did most of the work on the house while leveling up at his current job that comes with a pension and lifetime healthcare. Potential is not a bad thing it just must always go hand-in-hand with ambition.
This feels like a relatable situation. I live in a ski/mountain town with a lot of mountain guides. Most are men, and their wives have steady incomes (teachers, nurses, physical therapist, etc) and also end up being the primary parent once they have kids. So, it's definitely a long-term lifestyle choice, because at least one person needs a steady income to afford living in a mountain town.
It's hard to figure out how to split the finances while dating. My husband and I did it proportionally, and i wished i could "contribute" more, but it just made the most sense to do it that way. Once we got married we combined our finances.
Even to this day, we each have our own "allowance" that we can spend however we want. He can buy expensive outdoor equipment and i can buy clothes, without any guilt.
Yes Jake and Hannah are at different places in their careers, but they are starting a dialogue together, and if they can decide on a system that works logistically, they can do it. There will be give and take on both sides at different points of time. If deep down they don't want the same long term lifestyle (having kids, where they live, one partner being gone a lot), then obviously it wont work.
Does she want kids?
I have a feeling there is some background pressure going on here.
If he doesn't have ambition to make more but always wants to pay half it means they are limited to a lifestyle based on his income or his insecurities get pushed.
That is a realization that she has definitely had and it's definitely a problem for her.
I honestly give Jake so much credit for insisting on splitting things 50/50 even though he makes less than Hannah.
My ex paid less and it screwed me big-time, to have covered more than half
I don't think it's fair to blame this dysfunction on Jake. He is not "holding her back," she chose to be in a committed relationship with a person who is much younger and therefore less mature. He is just in a different life stage than Hannah. Maybe in 5 years or when his body starts limiting him due to aging he will change his mind about the importance of money and the security it brings. For now he is young and thinks he will be young forever, as young people do.
When I was 19 years old I told a boyfriend, "I hate money, I never want to have to think about money." I thought this meant that I didn't care about money, but years later I realized what this feeling meant is that I value financial freedom and not stressing about money, and that realization determined my career/work choices. Sometimes you just need time to mature and know yourself. On the flip side, maybe Jake will never value or seek financial security and that's fine for him. Imo because these are such core differences she needs to accept him and do her own thing financially or choose to move on to someone who shares her goals. They care about each other a lot but unfortunately they are just not financially compatible right now and might never be.
I think this interview is a little pointless. They aren’t married. There’s absolutely no reason to look at their combined incomes. They have two separate lives rightfully so. Jake will never see her money as his money until they are actually married and Hannah needs to stop stressing over acting as a wife before she needs to. My advice to you two as a married woman of 12 years. Keep everything separate until you are married because Hannah you will see soon enough that this is not the right fit…at least not in this life stage! Wish you all the best! Xx
I think they should make a decision whether they should continue the relationship as it is. Maybe they should only be friends. Too incompatible financially.
I think they need to be careful about how much Hannah is GOING to make. Having your own practice, especially just starting out, is not that predictable. It's so risky to start planning for an income that you don't yet have and isn't guaranteed. I assume she is, but they don't address whether she's factoring in malpractice insurance, overhead costs, taxes, etc.
Hannah constantly says “I feel like…” which doesn’t indicate an actual feeling, but a judgement or assumption. My guess is that her partner feels misunderstood, as Hannah does not reflect on what he has shared. You can’t change your partner & that can be a hard pill to swallow. He’s young and just figuring things out. Hannah is actually fawning and not being honest with the reality of the relationship. That’s why she feels stuck!
She seems unwilling to accept he probably is not for her. I think she's afraid to be alone
Thanks Ramit for these episodes I really appreciate your channel. It’s helping me so I was very triggered at first because I wasn’t at my best financially and I realized I had a lot to learn but learning from others and your strategies is really saving us! Thanks so much! One day I would love to be on this show.
I am so sorry for them. Until they figure out that they are not siblings or competitors, but partners they are going to have a complicated situation. Emphasizing the whole 50-50 is not going to work. Some periods of time will be 80/20, 30/70 60/40 and that is your life.
Nothing against these two but they do not seem like a great match and they are either in denial about it or oblivious to it. They should absolutely keep their finances separate. He’s choosing a life where he will often be financially insecure. He may change and want more in time but it’s not fair to push him to that before he is ready. I also think she’s doing herself a disservice staying attached to someone who doesn’t value financial security when it is so important to her. There is nothing wrong with being single. Being alone is nothing compared to feeling alone despite being in a relationship because you feel rejected/ alienated by your partner. I know they are real people- no harm is meant by my comment. I’m really wishing the two of them the best.
I’ve noticed cutting monthly subscriptions is the new “just stop buying coffee to meet your savings goal” for financial influencers
They are just at different seasons in their lives. The reasons she likes him is the same reasons why he’s not there yet. He’s a free spirit who lives on passions and his whims. When he’s 30 I think it will change a bit but by that time she’ll be wanting to have kids and he probably won’t.
I completely relate to Hannah. I was in a 5 year relationship from 23-28 and we finally broke up after all that time because he already knew what I couldn’t accept…which was that we wanted different things for our life. We had different philosophies on money. And we just weren’t a good fit for a relationship. It was devastating to me because I loved him so much and really wanted it to work and I had alot of animosity because when we were younger he kept saying he wanted the same things as me just like Jake said….but the reality is….if his actions aren’t matching his words and you’re only picking the moments when he seems to semi be in alignment you’re kidding yourself and wasting time in the long run. Hopefully they can figure it out, but I think Ramit saw what all the rest of us saw which is that they simply aren’t a match. But it takes everyone their own time to come to that conclusion so I don’t fault Hannah one bit. If everything stays the same she’ll soon realize she can find somebody else better suited for her and the life she wants.
People in the comments are calling him immature and lacking responsibility, when she is the one with many more years of life experience and still goes for a guy who is clearly in a different phase in life and very honest about it! Girl grow up!
Great lessons in this podcast thank you. Watched until the end- wish them the best whether they stay together or not. Really like there reflections at the end as well.
I give him a lot of credit for even wanting to pay half when she makes so much more
Big maturity and values gap here, hard to see how this works long term
I saw money differently at 26 than I did at 31, now mid 30’s I see everything even more differently! I’m all about retirement savings and college savings for my kiddo.
I'll pay for your ASMR app Ramit! Consider adding: "Spreadsheets are fun, especially when you add color."
My ex used to divide everything grocery-wise. He ate twice as much and lived with me rent-free for 8 months and never contributed to utilities. So glad I kicked him out (especially after he took half the groceries with him when he moved out 😂)
He wants to just really float through life and not work. Not make more, happy where he is, no financial planning....the opposite of adulting. You cannot build a life with someone who just wants to do the minimum.
You can see it in her facial expressions that she's been going through the stress from her childhood everytime money gets brought up in the relationship. His indifferent attitude toward money probably attracted her to him initially, but now that illusion is wearing off. Both parties need to get on the same page or move on, unfortunately.
Psychology 101: She felt in love with someone exhibiting traits of her money-irresponsible mother. She did so subconsciously assuming that by being partner of her "mother" she can tame those traits in "her" (and through that, calm the trauma of her childhood). That's not how the world works. The guy is not her mother so she needs to ask herself if there are other qualities in him (besides similarity to her mother) that she finds positive. Then, if she can accept and live with the "negative" qualities of him.
I'm shocked a couple from Bozeman got through an hour of talking about finances without talking about the cost of housing!!!
He's 5 years younger. Different mentality at that age, especially for a guy. If things don't work out, I hope you find someone who is a little older than you and can provide emotional and financial safety nets that you are looking for.
There are no bad guys here, they care about each other but they want very different things. This may not work long term-but it is great that they are both being honest.
This seems like a classic case of them just being in two different places in life. I feel bad for her but this experience will be invaluable in her next relationship if she doesnt wait to wait until shes 37 for him to level up.
Edit- The ending gave me hope but damn man 😅
Jake could make millions if
a film crew just followed him documenting his back country ski adventures & him doing this all over the world. Let other people manage his social media so it doesn't affect who he is. He is gorgeous & very charismatic.
Hope they both get what they need!! both of them seem like lovely people, just misplaced affections
I think he has some growing up to do, and I think he just not ready yet. I think it’s hard for her to accept because she see’s his potential. That’s where a lot of us get stuck at is the potential I do wish them the best and I do know one day he will get it right but maybe not on her time. Sadly 😢 but best of luck and I wish you all the best!
I really like this couple and want them to go the distance.. While Jake may not make as much money as Hannah does, there's more to a relationship than money. Love, trust, respect, willingness to be vulnerable and being a team working towards shared goals. Learning from Ramit's book & podcast is an immense help. Only suggestion I'd make is for Jake to take Ramit's Earnable class and start his own business.
Good luck, Hannah & Jake!🥰
that doesn't work. financial compatibility is just as important. love can't pay the bills and higher aspirations.
Thank you all so much for commenting! Being part of the IWT community brings me so much joy. Many of the comments are DEEPLY GENDERED. Jake and I DO have a lot to think about. However, marrying an "older" "richer" man is not going to solve my problems as I hope some of you heard in the podcast. I grew up with that dynamic watching women marrying wealthy men and STILL not feeling fullfilled. Freedom and autonomy are my top values. Marrying older and richer doesn't solve my deep seeded fears about money or align with my personal values. All of this to say Jake and I are talking about how our values don't align and love the outside perspective we got from talking to Ramit. For those wondering, I do not want kids in the future and Jake is on the alpine guiding path versus ski instructing.
I’m surprised you never talked about how expensive it is to live where you live! I’m just guessing you live in the same area as me. Congrats on the new career! I hope nothing but happiness for the two of you.
I’m curious, did you specialize in a certain therapy modality? I’m an LCSW and wondering how you make so much in private practice therapy! I live in the PNW and thought it was more around 90-100k minus the taxes.
I just added a comment above. I hope you make the right decision for your life. Because in the end, your happiness, finances & future are yours to build. Best wishes.
My friends and I actually relate a lot to you and your relationship. We're all higher earners, which can mean dating someone who makes less than us. We've talked a lot about what that means. I personally care more that someone I date is aligned on big goals and desires versus what the numbers look like. It sounds like you're similar. I don't think this is a gendered issue as much as an age one. I'm sure whatever you two decide for your future, you'll do it with respect and kindness. Working and living in the outdoor recreation world, I've seen other couples navigate similar issues.
@@ireneamezcua9289 Hi! Each state has different insurance reimbursement rates. If you accept ins. the amount you make will vary by state.
Wow! I could relate to her in that my mom, also from a different generation - was married to my dad and he was the sole provider, after he died her money management and ability to hold down a job or run her business was unreliable. I too found myself telling my mom not to spend any money on me, because I didn't want to run out of it. And be broke. She had a tendency to spend any money she got, on shopping trips, vacations etc. Once we took a trip and when we got back home, our lights were disconnected because she had spent it all on the trip. She was spoilt, entitled etc. I have only terrible feelings towards my mom because she always made me feel - out of control and living on the edge. Now I am hyper vigilant about money, and I get stressed about it. My hubby reminds me of my mom, and I wish I had someone who could for once take care of me. I have always been the responsible one - and I am tired of it.
It is guaranteed they have a long way to financial, values and maturity journey! Imagining arguing over which is the cheapest brand of baby’ formula or nappies? I am finally realising that financial and social differences are definitely more important than any other incompatibility … let alone values. If I could advise someone on anything I’d advise on being with someone in similar phase of life or aspiring to be with tangible progression steps… unless you’re same age and in your 20’ - plenty of room for mistakes and further adjustments.
Ramit concluded it all at 33:45. "Dancing around"
Is there a link to “side business ideas” that I thought you mentioned in the show? Great show and guests! Thanks!
You deserve someone that will do everything for you, your partner should grow with you and if they aren’t then they aren’t. If you outgrow a pair of shoes you throw them away. You WILL find someone.
My guy needs to focus on his purpose and continue to build value in his own way. Then he will find someone aligned with his values. This is classic ⬛️ block in the round 🕳
Most commenters are using income level as the No. 1 indicator of stability. By that metric Hannah is "right", Jake is "wrong". However, I see totally different, Jake is his own man. Jake is making a decent salary for his age of 26 YO; he is building a solid foundation for his life. Why commenters fail to see the 5 year age difference is beyond me. Weird that a Mental Health Therapist actively chose a partner 5 years younger but expected him to be at her level. Dum-dum on Therapist's part!
@jeromehenry4484 totally agree with the misalignment in life milestones based on age. However I can't say Jake was "building a solid foundation". He was indecisive and non-committal on several key issues. The fact that a resolution was reached so fast told me he didn't really have a stance he was passionate about. Thus why I said he needs to take some time and build. It's my position that he thinks he knows who he is but really doesn't just yet. Hanna has a vision and plan for her life and she is doing herself a disservice not communicating effectively.
She has mental issues herself smh
This episode reminds me of our situation, which is almost the same as our situation. When we started, my wife worked two jobs as an RN just to make ends meet for our family while I started my business. She worked two jobs but never complained, and when I felt like giving up, she always encouraged me to keep pushing. I felt so bad as a man because she was making a lot more money than me. I felt the same way as Jake, uncomfortable with the situation that Hannah would be making more money. But the relationship is about understanding, give and take, as long as you are on the same path and as long as you communicate what you want for both of you. Fortunately, after seven years of hard work and discouragement, my business started to take off. After 10 years of working two jobs as a nurse, my wife is now working once or twice a week while we enjoy our rich life. With her unconditional support, my business succeeded, and we are now multimillionaires.
Unfortunately the mindset of not needing to make a lot of money and not saving for retirement hasn’t set in yet for him. It’s so far away and so unimportant. He says he doesn’t value it but he will. Many people don’t start thinking about retirement until 40s and 50s though.
I relate. I find there aren't many spaces where high earning women can come together discuss their issues because then you get comments like some of the ones on here that are saying things like she doesn't see her worth, she should date a more mature man, etc, etc... the reality is more and more women will make more money than their male counterparts because more women are getting higher education, whereas men seem to pursuing higher education less. Of course, there are exceptions and in many ways, many women still deal with the wage gap. But I wish there were more places for women like Hannah and I to discuss the dynamics we're facing with our partners without having our partners put down, or being told we need to marry a rich, old guy 😑
Edit: Just wanted to add that men typically didn't have to deal with the sort of statements being made towards the female here. More than likely, if the roles were reversed, we might see statements like how the guy needs to be more firm with the budget or how he should share his wealth with his partner.
I think the tension level dropped a LOT at the end.
I love Ramit but feel like he underestimate's his female client's biological need to be cared for and provided for. Hannah wouldn't be able to rely on this boy if she got pregnant. She deserves a true partner and provider. Ramit think genders are equal and we are not....yet. May not ever be. Women as providers is so deeply uncomfortable for us, it will be a life long fight for them. I wish I could have a deep discussion on gender roles and money with Ramit, while providing data to support my position. Ramit- call me! ❤
Amazing podcast episode
He's young, they're in different life stages. He'll get it together eventually but not on her time table.
Feels like older sister being frustrated little brother not paying his rent. So strange she's with him, how exactly does she see a future there? She's also not in her 20s anymore, time is running out for her, can't wait for him to maybe get there mentally in 5- 10 years.
Really cool to hear a young couple on your show. So interesting their dynamic and her not so fun childhood playing into her stress. Very much became a question of are they the right partners. Do they want to make it work etc.
To my experience, you cannot force a man to grow up. Even one’s mom cannot do that.
I broke up with two boyfriends who were not mentally ready to work harder for a better future. Since the breakup, one stepped out of his comfort zone and started to work hard but another one never does.
My mom has been working her whole life to make my brother work (!) but still in vain.
So I swear to god, I would never marry a man who feels money is not important.
Money is not the most important thing in one’s life but it definitely is one of the most important.
Jake’s belief about “wealthy people are fake or shallow” is very ill-founded.
Firstly, how does he tell if someone is wealthy? Those dressing well and giving away big tips are not necessarily wealthy. Some of them may be rich, though (rich =/= wealthy).
Secondly, even if his identification is right, what is wrong about the wealthy people who go skiing for the IG photos? How does he know they don’t truly enjoy the ski after taking some nice photos? I know a lot wealthy people who truly enjoy skiing. They ski every year in different countries, including the most expensive ski destination, Switzerland. A ski trip to Switzerland could easily cost 20k at least per head, given the extremely high cost of living there.
What’s the problem of taking a few pictures at the exotic view ? Even if he is not as passionate in skiing as a ski instructor, it doesn’t mean he is shallow. And the wealthy surely knows they can afford to ski again next year and this is not their last ski trip, probably because they work hard for the rest of the year.
He said “those were not rich enjoy the experience.” I am really curious how he can tell who is rich, who is wealthy and who is enjoying the moment. He sounds like he can read everyone’s investment account statement and mind.
Ramit did a really good job in helping the couples sort out the contribution split in less than one minute.
In Asian culture, we do not have such a huge problem about the split. Married couples contribute to finance the way we are comfortable. My husband pays more than 50% and we never find that I don’t contribute enough. Apart from money, there are lots of ways one can contribute.
Yea he’s dumb, there are good rich people and bad rich people just like there are good poor people and bad poor people
I just signed up after the newsletter was sent out. Can I still access this one?