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- Опубліковано 27 жов 2023
- Continuing our Love and Relationships series, we've decided to revisit a four of our favorite past episodes on the subject.
In this episode, I speak to Dr. Robert Glover, author of the brilliant, often life-altering, and slightly controversial bestselling classic, No More Mr. Nice Guy. It may not sound like the kind of book I'd have read, but it is a little piece of self-help magic and has helped countless people recognize their own "Nice Guy Syndrome": the trait of hiding feelings and truths that we fear will get a negative reaction from other people so as to maintain the belief that we are "nice", leading to a host of toxic relationships and fundamentally dishonest behaviors.
Robert is an internationally recognized authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome, and through his book, classes, and therapy groups, he has helped thousands of Nice Guys transform from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males, transforming their professional careers and intimate relationships along the way.
Before we get started, I implore you as always to stay open minded for this conversation. You will laugh, you may cringe, you may violently disagree or surprisingly agree, but this is as honest as discussions on human relationship dynamics can get. You will find some serious gems related to dating and maintaining relationships of any kind.
Please note that the concepts, though admittedly slanted toward men due to the focus of Robert's work, certainly apply to women as well, and to all sexualities.
Listen as we discuss:
- What is wrong with being a nice guy?
- How 'nice guys' are often dishonest, resentful, and give to get
- How Robert's second marriage was falling apart despite his best efforts to be nice
- The "Victim Pukes"
- The confused belief that if sex is bad and evil, why should it only be for the one you love?
- The three covert contracts that lead to toxic relationships
- The reason men become nice guys is due to desiring the validation of women
- The crucial need for a stronger involvement of fathers in their sons' lives
- Nice guy logic: "If I have needs, I'm bad, yet I want things, but won't accept them"
- For women to experience sexual attraction, they need to experience emotional tension
- "If a man can't stand up to me, how can he stand up for me?"
- The effect of 50 Shades of Grey on society
- Human women are the most sexually evolved creatures on the planet, and men are apes
- Co-dependency: "I don't exist unless I'm in a relationship"
- Healthy interdependence
- The 'hugging until relaxed' exercise
- Calm is contagious
- You can want your partner, but as soon as you start needing them, you lose them
- To have the best sex, there needs to be a dominance of interplay and submission
- Equal does not mean the same
- Using men's motivatio n to have sex as motivation to expand their emotional intelligence
- The struggle between man vs. woman as a profound catalyst for growth
- The lingering effect of not having our childhood needs meet
- Women are sexual Ferraris and men are sexual mopeds
- "Slut shaming"
- The Disney and Hollywood effect on women's perception of monogamy
- Repressing female sexuality has become par for the course
- Men need a tribe
Connect with Dr. Robert Glover on Facebook @drrobertglover, Twitter @dr_r_glover, and his website, drglover.com
I'm going through a separation but living together. I have read 3 great books and there blogs. I've joined a nice guy group. My life has changed so much " the way I look at my behaviours and learning two loving myself so differently also excepting love from others rather that hiding my shame.
I'm still growing and the journey I'm on is going to be great even with all the pain of my wrongness iv now found . I look at my x partner with my new self and I find a world of openness and honesty /strength within.
I'm learning to walk. This book and his work is such an insight.
I really think it’s different depending on age and the individual. I am 53 and over child bearing years. I want a man who is open and honest. I don’t expect him to change who he is and I don’t want to play games.
Great episode thank you. The first part is for men and women and then men owning their masculinity without shame is refreshing.
OMG this is really a big issue. Relationships should not be run on a "contract" (in an ideal world, right?) As long as we only "do things" in order to get (whatever) mainly love, or sex it is the wrong kind of love and the wrong kind of giving. Love should be unconditional. We should give for the joy of giving. Why so much hiding? This appears to me it is allbased running on fear. Trust is missing, It takes a lot of guts, to open yourself and show to be vulnerable, on both sides. Let's be ourselves, and stay honest. All the best to everyone here.
I really appreciate the concepts summary after each episode. Great idea. Would like to hear more about men needing a tribe. Thank you for another satisfying episode.
I think that ‘being nice’ is a turn off counts for both… loosing the sense of self and confidence is never attractive. Also women are so trained to be the ‘nice girl’, maybe even more than men and that really doesn’t help to be an authentic and have a mature relationship. Needing negative emotional tension is a program that might get ‘nice girls’ attracted or women who have a traumatic responsive behavior but not a secure woman. We need the feeling of excitement and adventure but please in a healthy way!
Wow great podcast- agree yep yep yep and yes haa, I like nice though
Women like to be “ contained” . Not ordered, not dominated, but contained.
Teal Swan has said the same
34:16 this is called "betaization process" of the man
Nice men might be hiding something.
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