The Most Common Signs of a Narcissistic Family
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- Опубліковано 22 тра 2024
- The Most Common Signs of a Narcissistic Family
Narcissistic Family Characteristics: The Impact and Survival Guide to Narcissistic Parents
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
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For part 1 of this 2 part series, we’re going to explore what goes on in the family when a parent or caregiver has narcissistic traits or full NPD. The narcissistic family environment is often filled with challenging aspects that breed self-contempt, uncertainty, and intense fear, doubt, and insecurity. Knowledge is empowerment, so let’s empower you with knowledge.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent typically entails the following Narcissistic Family Characteristics:
Many family secrets
Abandonment anxiety
Idealized child
Fractured Trust
Emotional Compliance
Triangulation
Misdirected Communication
Indistinct Boundaries
Superficiality
Common implicit messages from narcissistic parent is “just because I’m your mother doesn’t mean I have to care about you. My feelings are more important than yours.” Or “Don’t be so selfish, think about me”.
That self-doubt, uncertainty, fear of the unexpected, and lack of trust in self and others is often what comes these environments but it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can change it with therapy and focusing on your own growth. The first step is to look at and identify your personality characteristics that grew out of the narcissistic family environment you grew up in.
In the next video we’ll breakdown the personality characteristics of adult children of narcissistic parents.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
I had a whole breakdown in therapy when I realized how abused I was … it was mind blowing how I thought not being allowed to show emotions was normal . I also didn’t realize not feeling like I could run to my own parents when I needed help wasn’t normal . People actually feel like they want their mommy in stressful situations and I couldn’t imagine 😕.
Adults should never use vocabulary consistent with three year olds.. let's just say mother maybe?
Hard to grow when the energy is stuck, this I've learned.
Omg Iam the same as you. I became an alcoholic for 30 years because it helped me numb any feelings I had. My family was the same. Addiction helped me block the pain
You desrcribe my childhood
@@laurenpaterson3475 most of us probably.
Same experience growing up. Showing emotions was not normal.
I had to live a life that supported my narcissistic parents. I had to be their version of perfect. I am the scapegoat in the family. I was emotionally and physically abused. The emotional abuse was constant. I felt like a slave. Mistreated for no reason. Treated less than to make the narcissists in the family feel powerful. It's a wicked family system.
I understand. Me too. Very similar to your story.
Me too! I’m so sorry for what I know you went through. The flashbacks are heartbreaking. It’s almost like living your life backwards because once you find out about narcissism and you know that it’s real then you remember all the horrible things they did to you and said to you and it’s just as if the life you thought you lived was ripped out from underneath you. I loved my family and I put their treatment of me in a nice, neat, beautifully wrapped box and blamed myself for everything because it had to be me and had to be my fault or why else would they treat me like that. Why did they even bother to have children oh that’s right for their image. We were like little soldiers. When I look at past videos we are all dressed in the same outfits and none of us are smiling and you can tell that we are being directed on what to say and what to do all for the camera and how to move instead of being freely thinking and playing children. It’s a horrific dynamic. When you’re living it you don’t even realize it’s a problem because you think it’s normal and that all families are like this. It’s only until you get out of it and away and sever all ties that you realize the horror you lived. The alcoholism and the drugs and the abuse and the affairs are all the things they normalized and then if you brought it up they screamed at you or hit you or told you you were making up stories when you know what you saw and you know what you heard with your very own eyes and that no one would believe you because they put this false image to the public so no one knows what’s going on behind closed doors and if you speak up you’re threatened. Wow how easy it is to go on a verbal rant because it’s such a shocking dynamic to the brain. What a horrible existence they must have lived. Thank God you’re free. I hope you’re free. There’s a beautiful life on the other side.
Me too, it's horrible.
I was the Scapegoat' too x
I went through it too. We can heal, it's hard but achievable
My mum pretended that she was a Christian but in reality she was just trying to gain respect from the people that would not suspect that she was a narcissist.
The sanctimonious personality is so common in “Christians and religious communities”. Best wishes on your journey to peace of mind.
I can relate.
As far as I can tell, that's essentially the entire point of churches
I feel like this explains a lot of "christians"
She was probably hooking on the low low 💯👯♀️💰🍆
Once a narcissist can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.
💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Good insight
I grew up often hearing “What happens in this house stays in this house.” I honestly thought the abuse was normal for all families.
My ex-father-in-law used that democracy starts up the road.
What he neglected to say was that the household was a very communistic
Those are laws created by illiterates
Mt dad said that same thing. Like word for word. That just brought me right back to 10 years old.
You and I both. I laugh at the trauma now but can you imagine how floored I was when I went to someone's house and the parents like actually took care of them without constantly making them feel guilty about it?
In my mid twenties I decided to go no contact with my parents and siblings. It was the only way to protect myself and survive. Therapy also helped me see clearly through the toxicity of my family' dynamics. I still struggle with guilt issues. It took a lot of strength of character to trust my perceptions. Today, I know that cutting all ties with my family of origin was the best decision I could have made to save my life.
It seems this is common as I read the comments, i wonder if it's built into human evolution in that way that the strongest survive, and the destructive parenting is a part of the whole order, and you get delt certain cards that make up the order, you have very little control as you survive
I just found Dr. Fox, I too had to go no contact with my parents & family of origin. The 1st 3 years of this was so freeing, but I was numb & did not realize how much their toxicity affected me, & that I needed to heal. Their gaslighting and false accusations caused me to doubt myself & even how dysfunctional they were. I carried a lot of toxic shame. It was only by being away from the “dysfunctionality” that I was able to see through the fog & get a clearer picture of what is “normal” & what is NOT normal. I can relate with so much of what you shared! Someone else on You Tube that has greatly helped me in my healing journey is Dana Arcuri. She too is a survivor of narcissistic abuse, having to go no contact. Her channel is a goldmine in trauma recovery, as are her books! 🙂
Yup, left home with a death wish as that is the only way I could get it out of my system. One day I had a bit of insight and wasn't going to destroy myself anymore. Went no contact. Had years of gut wrenching guilt and intense feelings of loss. Since then I've been deprogramming myself and slowly reprogramming, it's been a long and sometimes dark journey that will never fully be completed but every new step forward is a gift.
i did the same. keep your head up kate we did the right thing
I am currently experiencing this. I am 36 and 3 months ago cut ties with my mum, 2 sisters and brother in law who were all emotionally abusive and narcissistic. Luckily i still have my dad who also has limited contact with them for the same reasons. I’m experiencing so much guilt, sadness, loss and still fear of retaliation and attack at any moment. Therapy is definitely helping, but its only really scratching the surface. Thanks so much for these other comments 💗
"don't be so selfish! Think about me!" Oh my!
I existed to serve my parents emotional needs. Both of them dumped all their troubles, gripes and adult conflicts onto me. They talked for HOURS and i felt compelled- literally frozen - and unable to move- while i listened to the litany as i was being being drained of life, joy and autonomy. . It never even occurred to me that this was not my job. It never occurred to me that they were supposed to get to know me and love me as an actual person. Now i have to learn to do that for myself.
Yes I have to do that too. It's very hard but keep strong and remember your own worth at all times. Tone down your compulsion to fix people if possible. That's been the hardest bit to me.
@Endless Nameless Wow- you too. My Dad told me the same; that my mother would not sleep with him anymore. My mother told me about the affairs he was having. They both needed to talk to a licensed psychologist , not ME !!
@@deniseelsworth7816 Happy to report that, at age 64, my compulsive need to fix people is nearly gone. People have to sort out their own problems & usually (unfortunately) its pain that pushes them to change. I still feel compassion but i wont stand between them & their pain anymore. And, yes, remember your worth.
@@dreamsofturtles1828 that's a very good point about others need to feel pain to truly grow. I'll try to stick with that but with compassion as you say.
With you. Thanks for sharing your experience ♥️
I had neighbors who kept me grounded. I could visit anytime and they always listened and encouraged me.
Support is critical.
I had several addresses to which I could escape if necessary. One of my friends in those days, on older man once said that he probably would commit suicide if he were me. I was 15 but only now at 60 I fully comprehend what he ment.
It is liefe saving to have contact to normal people. Bless them.
Something you said that I hadn't heard in any other narcissistic video before is the complete lack of privacy in your own home. Growing up, I was NEVER allowed to have my bedroom door completely closed and my mother had free will to enter my room whenever she pleased, without so much as knocking or announcing herself 🥲🥲 As the family scapegoat, lack of privacy was the least of my concerns growing up in that household, but the fact that you mentioned makes me feel validated for feeling unease in my own home. Thank you Dr. Fox ☺🙌
My mother did the same. She would also be waiting for me after school with whatever she found in my room that she didn't like. Like my diary, letters or whatever. She would be sitting there waiting with her "evidence" of me being "sneaky."
Same here. I’m in my 40s and my mother recently questioned me what I do in the bathroom and marked the “frequency” of use when I visit their home (same house since I was born). I gave her the truth in the form of logic. I use the restroom 🚽 because it is the place where one goes to alleviate themselves, sometimes it’s to check my hair and makeup, it’s a typical place to wash my hands, and lastly, “why are you asking?” “It’s not your business.” She was so bothered by my answers the next day she left me a voicemail indicating I was inappropriately critical and thank god for her bond with her 10 year old grandson, he is only light she has in the world before she dies. ( side note, for my entire life I have been used as the family servant, groundskeeper, scapegoat, therapist, and favorite person to gaslight and admonish.)
I definitely identify! My sister and I would jump off our bed and pretend to be cleaning whenever we heard our mother's footsteps. The minute she swung that bedroom door open, without warning of course, you had better be cleaning your room! I'm sure she figured out we could hear her footsteps when every time she opened the door, she found us cleaning our bedroom. We learned to only whisper in our bedroom when our door was closed, and to listen intently for her clicking ankles (thank God her ankles did click).
My childhood life in 10 minutes...All on the button. I grew up with both parents being abusive, narcissistic alcoholics. My sister, the golden child grew up to be a narcissist as well. Such fun times.
sorry its so terrible :(( i feel like the scapegoat in a lot of ways, my dads a good person but an enables my mom who's a narc and my extended family is very narcisstic too...oh mani have bipolar and ocd and about to get kicked out because i can't hold down a job
Sorry for that. Are alcoolic familly’d often narcissit? I had a bad story too …
Narzisten onanieren vorm spiegel.
I haven't been able to resolve any of the issues with my family. Discussion is forbidden and pushing for a discussion gets you attacked and abused. I have no choice but to cut all of my family out of my life. It's hard on the easy path.
I feel this; the best I've gotten is to live better than them and hopefully they will try some of the things I am doing because I am obviously happier and healthier than them. I've also just stopped humoring their egos and biases entirely. I guess it's an attempt to lead by example, I guess.
I relate to this, emotional compliance was a major factor of my childhood. Comply or be scapegoated. All implicit, nothing clear or direct.
Me too
Yes, I’m no contact with my entire family as well. I’m sorry you have been through this also. The future is ours for creating now, not throwing away for them!! ❤️🩹
Well done you, you have made the right choice narcissistic family never changes you deserve better and you will get it without them being in your life bring you down.
If you are the scapegoat and/or continually abused & mistreated by a narcissistic parent or other family member....I feel no contact or extremely low contact is the only answer.....Jerry Wise has amazing self-differentiation videos on becoming a separate individual from the family system (playlist)....my late husband was scapegoated for decades & tragically he had a fatal heart attack in ‘18 due to trauma his body had absorbed for so long💔....get & stay away ....it’s truly not worth it
@@violet18 thank you....if possible, don’t argue with her, it’s impossible to gain any resolution with a narcissist.....I highly recommend you secretly start making you exit plan....like Ross Rosenberg quotes ‘never roll around in mud with a pig....you get dirty & besides the pig likes it’.....hope you get away & stay away 💐.....check out Kris Godinez “Emotional Safety” & many more of her videos
I'm a scapegoat. I've been working on a plan to go no contact for years. I'm getting to the end of that plan. You're correct. No contact is best way to put your well-being first and heal. Because scapegoating abuse is some of the worst to overcome
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband
Sound advice. Thank you op
after a lifetime of abuse and now 3 years of doing my best to stay no concact iwould say you are right about that. and sry for husband!
I went no contact with my mom for 18 years. She was physically and mentally abusive to me while my little brother was the "Golden Child," who could do no wrong. She never recognized anything good about me and never acknowledged my success. When I was 10, she started acting like a jealous woman as if we were in a competition. Often, she would slap me in the face and tell me that I wasn't as beautiful as she'd hoped I would be. She called me a sow and other derogatory names. Through the years, she continued to sing my brother's praises though he became a conman and sociopath. I let her back in my life when she was elderly and ill, because I felt sorry for her, but she continued to be mentally abusive and showed no interest in my kids. I was there for her every day through her illness and was there when she died two years ago, but my brother never bothered to come see her. I think, in the end, she realized that and finally told me she loved me. Even so, my childhood still haunts me.
Its strange how age makes little difference. My M got worse with age & spread nasty rumours about me to relatives, sabotaging my family relations, they all believe her lies. They all want a scapegoat for one reason or another, it's like a social virus.
@@daisy7066 I can sooo relate. According to my 90 year old narcissistic mother, she’s been “a year away from death” for years so I moved in at her request, several years ago. Those years have been a major dramatic roller coaster that has gotten worse as she’s aged. I have found some solace in these videos and comments section. I’ve had her figured out as a narc for years but I’ve dealt with her completely the wrong way, it seems, because I’m still bashing my head into a brick wall. What is really interesting is that she has morphed her behavior towards me to more sneaky, covert types of manipulation because I call her out on her behavior. She very much still has her mind at 90 yrs and has mastered her manipulation techniques as we as her downright, nasty outbursts. I’m the only one in the family who will take care of her in her old age. My siblings put 4000+ miles between her and them and told me they had no ‘ear’ for anything I may be going through and to take care of everything myself. I know that I will probably feel guilt for feeling this way, however, the only way for me to be free, is when she is gone from this earth. Thanks for letting me vent.
I will be waiting for the day my parents tell me they love me.
@@daisy7066 I feel you. My balless father of mine spread rumors about my husband to my whole family. All because my father couldn't handle his beers... SMH i had to tie his hands down while my husband was on top of him and he totally disrespecting my home and my children by acting like a foolish man wanting to drive home drunk. We didn't let him go because I care for my father but he gave zero f***s about what I said. Even the next morning when he was sober he was still acting erratic and childish. So today I told my whole family to eff tf away from me and children. I don't deal with BS.
She told you she loved you, but did she ever even say "I'm sorry"?
I was raised by a narc mom. She's a VN, with borderline traits too. But her NPD is in foreground. She's the meanest, sneakiest, most miserable and abusive person I've ever known. She makes my blood run cold. The damage she has done to our family is lifelong and she refuses to quit. What's scary is how easily NPDs can get people under their spell.
I genuinely think that narcissistic abuse prevention needs to be prioritized for new parents. There should be classes and screenings. Schools should have therapists trained to help. Because the damage that my mom did is so compelling, I want to protect other people from the same thing.
But sadly as a society and a country we haven't yet considered mental health as a genuine issue.
I agree with you 💯% on that. No joke,it destroys quality of life and lives
Center stage for awareness via education, training and therapy for families, schools and work spaces ❤
Prevention is a nice fantasy, but I do not believe it is realistic. What are they going to do, ask if either potential parent is a narcissist? Most likely most do not even know that they are. Even if they did know there was something different about them or they had some weird issue, would they admit to it? Highly unlikely.
I was raised in a NPD home. I really do not believe my mother was, but she had major issues (vain, competitive, withheld love, exploited me because (she later admitted) she said I was weak like she was. All children have no power…she abused her parental authority and came up with a reason why she treated me poorly. HOWEVER, it was my father who I believe was/is the one with grandiose NPD. Interestingly in my family dynamics, this NPD thing was not cookie cutter, as my very young parents divorced and were so busy dating many others, that they both virtually neglected all 3 children (which is the best case scenario). Unfortunate for me, it was my sister who was 1 year older who was the golden child, and she (along with our mother) inflicted the most malicious craziness on me that when I think about it is almost unfathomable. My sister’s lies and attempts to make me look bad to all, but especially when our parents were present (they believed everything she said, and would not listen to me) continued until I cut ties with her, when I was in my mid 50’s. I have no doubt that her one child is also a narcissist.
My point based on my experience, short of identifying all those with NPD out there and putting them all on one HUGE island, there is little anyone can do to identify or intervene with these families, or importantly, save the children from mental and emotional abuse. Currently, society has a huge problem with protecting children who are physically abused, preferring to keep the child with the abused parent, and we all know how many of those situations play I out.
@@kaze_cat No narcissistic parent would ever confess would they!
My father is a covert malignant but he can also be lovely too. Took me along time to understand exactly how this impacted my adult life and not good!
These narcs are all damaged people themselves who have internalized their own trauma from their own upbringing and experiences, unable to own it! (Yep some are just plain evil and do need to be treated with extreme caution, if not containment )
This emotional patterning is then unconsciously imprinted on to the next generation. It is the root cause of all mental health dysfunction; it destroys lives and the cost to society is incomprehensible
It is up to Us, empaths, survivors, therapists with a heart to raise awareness, bring this center stage for a full acknowledgement. with practical solutions and effective healing, easy to access. I really hope this can happen and grow. The world we want ❤
Does VN mean "vulnerable narcissist?"
I so agree with what you say on prevention!!!
I left the toxic family havent spoken to other in 12 yrs i highly reccomend it
Triangulation in my family wasn’t the kids bringing in another family member but a parent doing this and pitting us against each other. So sad a parent would do this to their children.
Boundaries are beyond important. My NParent would enter the bathroom regardless of what I was doing, without asking, and start doing stuff. Even when I moved away, as an adult, and verbally slammed this behavior, if NParent wanted the bathroom to brush teeth or something while I was busy, I was expected to tolerate it and go along with it. If I locked the bathroom door I got yelled at? NParent also, years later when we don't live together, will enter my room without permission when the door is CLOSED and lights are off. In case someone else needed to hear this: these are infractions on your boundaries and personal space. If you did not okay this and do not want this, it is breaking boundaries. That goes even if NParent says it's not a big deal or you're overreacting. It's not up to them.
This is a way to push boundaries.
I grew up in a house like that. My mother took the attitude that she’s paying the rent so she can go into any room she wants whenever she wants. Also, because she paid for them, anything I had (my clothes, bedsheets, toys etc) was only on loan to me and that because she paid for the cooker, kettle, the food, etc, I wasn’t allowed to touch them.
My mother used to go through my bedroom and take stuff or move things around even throw things out without my permission.
@@theadventuresofemily_ I'm 57 and my narc parents still open my mail if it comes to their house. Literally punished me until mom got Alzheimer's. And even with Alzheimer's, they will still amaze you with their bullshit. 😆✌️💕 We are the best support team, we in comments. I hope you are well 🤗
OMG! So my dad! I'm 57 and only just now figuring it all out!
Superficial relationship is the only kind I ever had with my parents.
LOL! me too. Sad.
As the family scapegoat I experienced almost all of these points you discussed . Preserving the false image of the 'wonderful' family life was of utmost importance . Extreme rage and punishment of every sort followed if public performance wasn't good enough - and it never was . As the eldest daughter I was expected to be the lifelong family servant . It's hard to fathom that so many people have no clue that these type of deeply screwed up parents exist and may be living right next to you . Often I think they're ALL hiding their own sordid family secrets so they don't expose anyone else in fear that the spotlight will turn on them next .
I feel you and I hear all the time about how, "Well she's your mother." Yes and? If I even so much as forgot to say please in public she went on a tantrum in private. And if she said embarrassing stories about me to other people at gatherings and I called her out because 9 times out of 10 it wasn't true. She was habitually late for things and tried to blame other people especially me and my sister, "Oh we were late because two teenage girls didn't want to get out of bed this morning giggle giggle." Um no, we were dressed and ready to go and you were refusing to get out of bed and insisting on taking not just one but two showers after we were suppose to leave.
This video is ON POINT. It took me *years* to realize that my parents treated me the way they did because they were jealous. We should talk about that more. Some parents are too embroiled in their own trauma to champion their own children, but that is never discussed because Hallmark has built an empire telling parents how perfect *they're* supposed to be, which only creates dissonance for children if they get abused.
I don't know if my parents where narcissists but there was emotional neglect at home. We barely "talk". I have social anxiety now.
Me too. It's crippling. I'm trying to find a job, too.
I could not say anything to my mother when I reached puberty.
Good point. My parents both arent narcs. But aehow i can relate to many feeling described here. Father was mostly sbsend. Mother was always there but had her own problems. I have always felt i couldnt seek the care and comfort because i needed to protect my family. My actions could cause fights, abduction, or more stress. I am still trying to make sense of myself. Why i invite trouble in my life, why i cause it though i am avoidant. Why i attract abusive ppl. Why i am not able to say no or at least if it is far too late.
From the discovering & reading I’ve done lately, it sounds like you have c-ptsd from childhood emotional neglect. I haven’t had this confirmed by a therapist (yet) but i check each & every box. I hope you find the peace & healing you deserve@@ifyourepeatalieoftenenough8500
@@ifyourepeatalieoftenenough8500Rotkäpschen komplex.
My parents always looked at us with contempt and whenever they had an argument, it always lead to my dad pointing out how my mother should’ve been more diligent with her birth control pills.
He always had a snide, cruel remark about me and always passed it off as a joke. My mother wasn’t much better. Even though she wasn’t as physically abusive, she would play endless mind games and always tried to manipulate me for her gain. Instead of showing compassion when I was in distress, she would watch and analyze my pain, thinking of ways to use it to her advantage. She had no problem reading through my diaries, spying on my phone conversations and asking my friends about me behind my back, yet never came to me to talk or have a conversation like how I imagine a normal parent would.
As soon as I began to see them for who they were, I became paranoid and afraid of them.
They’re no longer in my life and I plan to keep it that way.
Sounds like you’ve had a very challenging experience but have developed a lot of insight. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.
I once heard that when one grows up with narcissistic parents one either usually becomes narcissistic or they become people pleasers. This sounds very plausible. Does anyone else buy this thought?
I think the risk is there. I have also heard it creates highly empathic or cripplingly low levels of self esteem.
The lack of genuine connection really does a number on us.
@@guillermomonroy7319 Agree. One way or another they get crippled.
I was a people pleaser not anymore tho I’ve grown
Yes I am a fixer. I get gratification from trying to help solve other people's problems and I am always drawn to people that need lots of help like a single mom friend that gets evicted etc. I will want to persevere until they are ok. No boundaries and trying to learn sooo much now so I can parent better! I have two teen daughters. I am a Christian. I do not want my girls wearing clothes where their cleavage is showing or too short shorts etc. My youngest stopped going to church a few years ago at first it bothered me but then I realized..she needs to find her relationship with Jesus and let him draw her near so I let it go. I have a hard time parenting teens from a biblical Christian perspective without feeling like ..am I a narcissist? If I have traits which I probably do..I think that I can change and I am praying for the Lord to help me be a better parent than my parents were to me..
After having narcissistic, passive, or enabling parents, it's easy to become the same way. Nothing changes until you realize how hurtful your behavior is to others, especially after you begin to understand how growing up that way will impact you. Sometimes that pendulum swings in one direction at one time, then it can take the opposite direction.
At one point I was a chronic people pleaser, which I'm now embarrassed to admit. My self confidence is something that takes continuous effort, I work on it all the time. A lot of this came from parents who were physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive, kept lots of family secrets until they became too much. I was the first to leave the family. Eventually I moved 5k miles away from the rest of them in order to be able to draw my own lines in the sand, and establish healthy boundaries. Sadly, in those initial months, the torment continued until I put my foot down. Even now, years later, when I visit, I am usually reminded of why I moved and am assured that I made the right decision for myself. This does bring loneliness as making lasting friends or romantic attachments has been a continuous challenge.
Had an N-mom. Went no-contact with her a decade ago, long before I knew what I was dealing with. Best thing I ever did as a coping strategy, but it was also the most difficult. Realizing that she'd never give me the love and approval and respect I'd sought since the day I was born was devestating. I felt shame for "abandoning" her, even though she was literally never emotionally present for me. Then I realized it wasn't personal. She was and remains incapable of giving love, respect, and approval to ANYONE. It was cold comfort realizing that she was the monster, not me, but it was comforting none the less. In the end, narcs are patheti, tragic people. They are human wrecking balls, petulant entitled children trapped in adult bodies.
The best way to deal with them is through complete avoidance.
@Endless Nameless Trust me: Even if you became Bill Gates, it wouldn't be enough. These people are black-holes. Nothing can fill them. They devour anything caught in their gravitational field. It took a series of traumatic life events to finally set a new course and vector away from her. Father was autistic, and it turns out so am I. I had no relationship with him, and when he lived with us during my childhood, he was abusive and full of rage. I now realize that he was a victim of my N-mom too, but not evil like her - just misunderstood by the world and exploited by N-mom same as me. Doesn't make the lack of having a father any less tragic, but explains his inability to form relationships with his children. Some of us are just unlucky - born into bad family systems. The key to recovery starts with recognizing that fact. It's not our fault, no matter how much we were blamed or blame ouselves.
The only thing that ever helped me was to study all the information I could find on the subject and I have counciled and recieved therapy on a weekly basis. Strong boundaries and limited contact, if at all, was the key for me.
Same. Limit contact as much as you can, and the parts of your life absent them will be quality life.
I am the scapegoat in the family. I gave myself the best birthday present ever. I turned 71+ went No Contact. In the early 70's I moved 2,500 miles away from them. I became financially comfortable in my 30's. Oh my, what a Greedy + Jealous family!
My mother (now deceased) was a narcissist and my father was a codependent. My mother was also a level 5 hoarder. There was a lot of chaos and fighting between my parents. My mother didn't cook much and when she did she made slop. My brother was the only boy and the oldest child. He was parentified at 9 years old and given responsibility that was inappropriate for a child. My mother had absolutely no emotional attachment towards her children whatsoever. She behaved like a child herself. When I was a child, I sensed something off with her and we never bonded as a mother and child should. I didn't trust her and I didn't like her. She encouraged and allowed my brother to bully my sister and me to the point where we were afraid to come home from school. It was a horrible environment to grow up. There were family secrets and boundaries were crossed. For example, my parents walked about the house with no clothes on in front of us kids. I didn't like that. We couldn't have friends over because the house was a mess. I remember walking two miles to my grandmother's house just to get something to eat. I had to wash my own clothes at 8 years old. We all suffered as children of a narcissist mother. I think that my brother acted out his aggression on my sister and I as a way of getting my parents attention.
Thank God that's all behind me and I have learned and grown. Narcissists are extremely toxic, broken human beings.
I'm sorry you went through that. Your mother sounds so much like mine who became a hoarder late in life. The emergency personnel had a difficult time getting to her when she fell and broke her leg. They had to climb over mountains of junk.
@@novelist99 I'm sorry that you have experienced the same. I've accepted her for who she was, forgive and moved on. Life is too short and I refuse to live my life as my mother's victim. My mother passed away and I do not miss her.
@@angelamwatts that’s right and be grateful you didn’t come to be physically broken because of their lies and manipulating
God bless you. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Peace
Your family sounds similar to mine. We had to move regularly, that way no one would notice how neglected we were. They didn't like spending money on food and clothes for us
The thing that helped me is that I found Jesus when I was 7 - at the time my parents divorced and I lived with my mom - the narcissistic parent. I had a sense of belonging and hope because I believed and trusted in Jesus after a hippie told me about him and prayed with me. (1971 southern California) If not for that, it would have been much harder being left alone, neglected, favored over my brother and listening to her negativity etc. etc
Hi Kathryn 👋 I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
Me too!!!! Similar story
This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing
❤
That’s beautiful. Amen 🙏🏻
I was raised by a highly narcissistic parent and developed BPD by my early teen years. While I know genetic factors play a role in BPD, knowing how much my parents directly contributed to that with the environment they built for me, is difficult. The task of undoing what they built in therapy is hard work.
Foremost I wish u well and that u will be able to work thru your past! One question, I've listened and read quite a bit about BPD but am more convinced that it is exclusively a outcome of early childhood development and surrounding (like e.g untreated ADHD esp in girls, trauma, emotional neglect aso).
Is there really a connection with genetic factors?
Same, I got Bpd when I was a young teen..my mother had personality disorders and ran off and I was raised by my narcissist grandmother. My Asperger’s father was hardly
There to raise me 🤷🏻♀️
I'm through this as well, sending you and anyone reading this comment my best wishes 🙏 we can do it, there's no right that we continue to suffer.
My therapist told me there's a connection between BPD and narcissistic parenting
“The task of undoing” is the personal challenge every human has to navigate. Narcissistic parents may set the bar a whole lot higher in some ways out of the starting gate, but willingness to do the work acts as a means to rapidly and sustainably advance much further than could otherwise be achieved. Enlightenment is often painful. The sacrifices made to get knowledge, understanding and ultimately wisdom (embodiment of truth) are made by everyone. Kids can be wiser than their parents. Or they can become a narcissistic mini-me that never “becomes a real boy.”
Narcissism is such a "buzzword" - almost like an insult or offensive statement. I found this explanation and examples to not only be frighteningly parallel to many things I endured growing up, but helpful also. I have gone through moments of hating my parents to thinking they were Gods. Today I know they are just human beings doing the best they can. They themselves were once children and learned the dysfunction and narcissistic traits from their parents. Never-ending cycle until one offspring breaks the mold and redefines their purpose/existence/ wanting to do better. I have solved this for myself. Now I just need to break the bad habit of compulsively watching UA-cam videos all day and commenting.
It's habit forming Joe , this "voyage of discovery " ...
Thankfully , I have never found the need to comment on a UA-cam video .... woops... 😉
Same same!
Refuse putting "doing the best they can" and narcissistic parents together. Thats the biggest BS youll ever feed yourself. Its so far from the truth. They can definitely be kind, polite but only with people theyre performing for.
You’re just trolling
This describes my "family" perfectly. All of them, father, mother and sister. Then mother passed and father and stepmother have been even worse. Then ex-husband and his wife. It has been same scenario in my life until last couple years when I realized it was all them and not me. Thanks to all these therapists on youtube that are exposing the abuse caused by narcissistic families. It's been amazing. Just wish I could have learned younger that it wasn't my fault - and been free to succeed in my life by ignoring all of them.
I’m sorry!! Just be glad you got out bc a lot of people don’t & be thankful you’ll get to live out the rest of your days in a non toxic environment! So regardless of how long it took, you still won! 🙂 All you can do now is go forward!
I lived in a narcissistic family system as an only child......
Let's just say that no one ever believed how hard it was to survive 😔💔
I knew things were wrong but no one backed me up.
Same. I was the scapegoat or golden child interchangeably. Depending on whether I followed the rules or not.
😂😂😂😂😂 😂 my situation could not of been different, I lacked awareness, I was born into a lame movie 🍿
I am so sorry ! How lonely to be the only child, when both parents are narcissists! A fellow sibling who suffered is so helpful, to discuss the mistreatment and regain your sanity, and could have been your best friend! If it's any consolation, though, narcissistic parents often pit kids against eachother, and many scapegoats find they only had more enemies in their siblings. To ward off suspicions by CPS, it is extremely common for narcissistic parents to abuse one child and spoil the other child rotten, so then the spoiled child tells the abused child "What are you talking about? We couldn't ask for better parents! Now quit complaining and go clean my room!" I had two siblings: one a comrade who was also abused and one the spoiled little king who helped mistreat us, but I would have chosen this over being an only child.
My husband's family was just like this growing up. I got to see some of it first hand because I lived with them before we got married for a few years. He says that I saved his life because he was so suicidal at times, he would likely have not made it out if I didn't support him emotionally and financially while he was exiting that living arrangement. He tried to maintain a relationship with the narcissistic caretaker but she refused to respect the boundaries he set and he decided to cut contact completely. When he did that he lost every other family member because they took her side. It wasn't hard for her to convince them I'm sure because the role he played in this family was the crazy unstable emotionally erratic one.
I just wanna note that the golden child, black sheep, and invisible child roles can shift over the years. Not every narcissistic family has one of each and sometimes someone plays that role but they may not be a child. In my husband's family the two kids often took turns between golden child and black sheep. The invisible child was really the other caretaker who was infantized and played the role of the sick one who needs help and isn't capable of making their own decisions.
The most helpful thing I learned while living there was not to accept gifts or get into agreements where I lost any amount of control over my assets. Such as having my own phone plan, not agreement to do jobs for payment. I jumped in to help out with all the projects but if I let them pay me or give me anything for it, that would cause more problems so I avoided this whenever I could.
You also need to be careful not to give up any information that could be used against you in any way. I learned not to talk about money because if I wanted to do something within my rights, not having enough money was always thrown in my face. Sometimes you don't know what they are gonna use against you, so you just learn not to talk about anything that could be gossip. There's just no trust. Just talk about the weather, or movies or something. They get bored and start looking for drama somewhere else.
The most important this is when you make a plan to leave, don't tell them, just do it. They are going to have you for it wither way, so make sure you are safe because despite all their sweet talk, you can't trust them to treat you like a human when you are vulnerable. They will take advantage of your vulnerability every time if they have the chance, and you can't blame the flying monkeys either, because you were probably a flying monkey at one point without realizing it too and they flying monkeys are all victims too.
Thanks for your comment.
So on point from my experience as well, thank you for sharing 🙏
Susie I learnt to behave the same way. Great advice which works .Covert N mother whom I now have no contact .
This is my family to a T!! I’ve always known my family had “their ways” that I didn’t agree w/ & have always gossiped, belittled, betrayed, & bullied whoever was going thru something but I had never been the victim of it.… that’s until I got married. I have a LG fam. My grandma was the main Narcissist, & now her 3 daughters. I have 45 family members. All very close. When I married they were so happy & LOVED him but later my narc. Mother, who is awful behind closed doors, couldn’t compose her jealousy & started her campaign against him. She’s been unstable her whole life, was an irresponsible Mother & has NEVER had a partner OR friendship last for longer than 4 years, but of course the fam was all for the drama. The flying monkeys as you said. So we became the gossip of the family & it doesn’t matter how much proof you have, there is no hope against a Narc & their FM’s. My WHOLE family betrayed me, just like that. But they all live miserably & now I don’t so jokes on them. Haha!!
Also speaking on your husband, you said they believed the Mom bc he was already the villain, & probably so, but narcs & flying monkeys thrive off of drama & do not think rationally so they believe whatever gets their rocks off anyway.
I have never stirred up drama, have ALWAYS been a supportive part of each family member (again there’s 45 of us 🤡) & when my Mom started defaming my husbands character, they never thought twice of it, just started spreading it like wildfire like they do. We tried going to them with our truth & that turned into a huge blowup, of course. My mothers reputation is very rocky while mine is fine & they STILL believe her. While anybody can marry a bad spouse, this is not the case here. They do this to every person that marries in & it didn’t have to happen twice to me to get the hell out! Lol! It’s always a lose lose situation with narcissistic family systems.
I was raised by a narc single mother. I was the scapegoat and my lil brother was the golden child. I am almost 37 and she still treats me like crap. Despite the way she is, her criticism STILL hurts my feelings more than anyone else's. She is still my mother. My husband could criticize me, my brother could make fun of me .. it just doesn't hurt as much as when I hear it from my mother
I feel for you! It's okay to go no contact. You don't have to put up with someone hurting you! I never thought I could do it, but I did. I had help from a counsellor. Maybe at some point in your life you want to break free, too.
My family dynamic is a master class in intergenerational narcissistic abuse of pretty much every single kind. Extreme poverty, orphanage, indentured servitude, physical, sexual, religious, emotional, financial abuse; emotional incest, parentifiaction; triangulation; attempted murder; abandonment; and more... and that is just the surface. I left when I was 17 and it took 15 years to reestablish a healthy relationship with 5 members of an extended family in the hundreds. It has been a long, painful journey to stability and healthy connection. Hearing it in this context was extremely helpful... thank you so vey much.
I didn't really deal with my narcissistic family...I just left them behind when I could not bear to see them perpetuating the abuse on my children. I wish I had known there was help at the time but I am dealing with the fallout now. My kids are getting the help they need and we are breaking the cycle one day at a time.
I was raised by a mother who exhibited a lot of narcissistic traits when I was growing up. She did a lot of damage to how I view myself and my ability to express myself appropriately. The best thing that I ever did for my relationship with her was take myself out of her life for a while. I removed any concept of control she thought she had over me. And then after a long while, I started trying to rebuild that bridge. I was very prepared to have to keep her at arm's length for my own sake, but she has grown a lot herself and I'm actively working on rebuilding my relationship with her. It's a very slow and sometimes very painful process, because I've never expressed to her how she has hurt me. But I've been firm with her in maintaining my boundaries, and I do my best to speak my truth with her. And I can really tell that she appreciates that I'm trying to repair our relationship. So good luck to all of you who may be struggling with something similar. It's a long, hard road, but I believe in you.
I’m that parent and didn’t know it. My son had recognized the damage I’ve done to him and after some very angry encounters has pulled way back. I was a single mom who’s own mother had mental issues. We didn’t have the internet obviously so I’m learning about this way too late. I’ve changed my “style” I see how I handled things poorly but I did it from love and what I’d learned and hope he will come around and try to rebuild with me. I was intrusive but honestly thought we were close and that he accepted me the was I was until he made it very clear he couldn’t stand me. And I was and still am devastated. I didn’t date for 17 years because he was a handful in school and it wouldn’t have been fair to a man to try to maintain a relationship with me when so much of my focus was on my son. Now I see how that backfired. Thank you for your post. It does give me hope. I will continue in my growth and hope he sees it.
@@deborahmckim9123 I hope the best for you and your son. You both deserve compassion, understanding, and peace.
I am very sorry for writing this to both of you. No offence but what you are talking about sends out the wrong message to the people who are currently struggling with this situation in their lives. It takes a hell of a long time for some people to manage to get away from the dreaded cycle. And even then there is no knowing if things will be different in the future. ua-cam.com/video/c9GQ8nI56Mc/v-deo.html
Don't expect people to change, just because you want them to. You will hear the same advice for relationships as well.
@@BozhidarKurtev I can agree with that. But I think that holding some space for the potential of positive changes is healthy.
My situation is a bit interesting. From the age of 9, when my parents divorced, we moved in with my narcissistic grandmother, who alienated me from my father very harshly. She was extremely manipulative towards the whole family & often played everyone against each other. She was tolerable when you were doing what she thought you should be, but the minute you tried to be your own person or have your own interests, she would unleash! I lived under this until the age of 18 when I escaped one narc family dynamic into a relationship with an evil narcissistic husband. While that relationship only lasted about 5 years, the ptsd is still very real. It’s only improving decades later. I’ve learned quite a bit on UA-cam & was shocked to realize that my ex wasn’t the first narc in my life, my grandmother was.
I thought my parents were autistic, I think because I didn't want to accept that they were narcissists.
I am 28, went on holiday with my parents last week. Because my mum didn't like me smoking on the balcony she dragged me by my hair out of the hotel and left me completely alone abroad.
My flying monkey dad and brother came down to tell me I was scaring them by being over-emotional and I should come back to the room.
My brother has been a smoker all his life and a few years ago I bailed him out of jail in Croatia, they ignore this because he is the Director of a successful company.
I now accept I have a narcissistic family.
Thank you Dr Fox!
the hardest part for me wasn't even dealing with a family member like that but dealing with the people on the outside who I had to hide the family secrets from. Knowing that I can't run to family in times of crisis but neither anybody on the outside because I'll be smearing the name of the family and will lose everything including a place to live, siblings, a hope for a bright future, etc (as warned by parents). And it's also the judgement from other people who see that you are largely cold towards your parents and have no love in you, frequently giving them a "bad attitude" and lack "respect" and politeness. It's them always telling you how you should treat your parents better because how good your parents treat them so they assume they must be treating you the same in private life.
I lost my mom this past November and it has been a very confusing process for me. I miss her terribly but she hits almost the marks for npd. I realize that I almost had an unhealthy attachment to her even though I constantly felt not good enough. I am learning that she could not help her behavior and in fact had no idea that it was wrong. I still love her very much and have began counseling to sort through my mixed emotions about my childhood.
It's not your fault, your entitled to love your mom even tho she was a narc... you just need to be careful to work out what was wrong about it and not repeat it. In fact she probably couldn't help it, as unbelievable as that sounds. Now time to mourn the relationship and the things you didnt get from it ......
I share the same experience as you: loving my mom, losing her, feeling so confused, realizing that my attachment was not healthy. However, if she had narcississtic traits, they were subtle: indifference, a gift giver, no affection, no encouragement, no emotional expression in words or physical affection. Narcississtic traits showed up more obviously once I was an adult. And yet I remain confused about her. Maybe I expected too much from her. I was a burden, a responsibility she fulfilled and wanted to go away unless she needed me for some reason. But I feel like such a bad child.
Well both of my parents were narcissistic and I'm 46 and I'm still a nightmare so I don't know I just keep watching you Dr Fox because my brain is still wrecked
I understand. 46 here too. I'm going to have to spend at least a year to hopefully fix me before it's too late.
@@jenynz5334 the worst part is I can't hold a relationship with people I can't there's so many things I've gone to therapy medications everything I could think of so I don't know it's horrible though when people can't even be around you and you don't know why they won't talk to you about it they just abandon you
I have a lot of anxiety still after almost 10 years. I just keep going to therapy.
Because i was always having be someone for my parents I didn't get to experience being me, now I don't know who that is.
Mine too. I'm also very damaged. I'm 45.
Heck yeah! Narcisons assamble!
These dynamics can exist in communities as well, particularly small towns, or workplaces or schools (again especially in small towns) but any small tight knit community can replicate this.
Middle cities too.
I'm about to turn 31 and I'm just now *BARELY* gaining independence from the narcissistic family. I need to learn to accept my flaws and work on them with a positive mindset. It's *BRUTALLY DIFFICULT* because I have *NO SUPPORT* but blaming the world and being nihilistic is so pointless. I just don't know Dr. Fox, the world looks hopeless to me.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Luckily, I broke the cycle.
I had friends that insisted that my mother emotionally abused me. I made excuses for her all of the time and was in denial.
And then I became a mother myself.
I look at my daughters and can't even begin to imagine doing or saying things to them that would hurt them as much as my mother hurt me.
We have been no contact since November 3rd, 2020.
The complete changes in my happiness, anxiety and even my ability to sleep all improved with her absence from my life.
So awesome you broke the cycle. May you and your daughters live a complete loving happy life. Always good to hear a generational dysfunction be broken and healing commence
@@kconnor2371 thank you so much! It's not even something I have to try not to do. Being a nurturing mother who makes her daughters feel loved, wanted, safe and secure came totally natural to me. If only all mothers could have these values. I miss my mom sometimes. She wasn't entirely bad, but the bad severely outweighed the good. 1 year, 8 months and 27 days no contact. Zero effort on her part to be a part of our lives, and that only makes it easier
This comment section is so relatable and helpful to read. I'm sorry for the struggles we've all been through in our families, but I believe we can all find a path to our own healing. And getting informed is a great way to help along the way. I know like most everyone else who grew up like this, I tend to hate myself and blame myself for the issues that I see that nobody else seems to acknowledge. It's safer to pretend everything is fine but I've never been able to. Which is why I keep my distance as much as possible. Though right now I am in a position where I have to have help from my family due to going through a divorce out of an abusive marriage at only 21. I got married really young for religious reasons (I am no longer religious) My conforming to the pressures of the religion I was raised in was just one last ditch effort to make my parents proud/happy with me and guess what, it didn't work of course! I've been working so hard to rebuild my life and find some sort of friendship and support in this world because I can tend to spend all my time supporting others and never asking for anything in return because I am to afraid they will reject me. I wish the best for everyone on this channel and just know when I read your comments I don't feel so alone. Peace and Love to all.
Lydia-put an "e" at the end of "Breath" to make it "Breathe".
@@desiderata333 your kidding me right..🤢🤢🤑
You are not alone. Peace and blessings.
Girl same!! At 20 my family pressured my bf & I saying “if y’all are going to sleep in the same bed then you need to get married” Being that young I was all for it. We divorced 18 months later bc he cheated. Now that I’m older I think HOW DARE THEM pressure a 20 y/o into getting married!! Ironically 1 of the aunts doing the pressuring was the 1st to come to me after he cheated to tell me if I needed to get out then Biblically it is forgiven. Just shocking!! Since then they have pressured a handful of marriages that turned toxic & ended in divorce. Idiots I swear.
Although I loved him then, I am SO THANKFUL we split. It was a blessing in disguise. Hold your head high & know that you will get thru this & for the better!!
Loving the family and hating them at the same time is my biggest challenge. I constantly question motives and am on alert for old patterns emerging. Then, I constantly question whether I am being petty or whether I am a good person when I say "No." Being the scapegoat of the family feels like a roller coaster I ride as I constantly search for autonomy and self-worth because I still love the very people who dismissed me as a child unworthy of life and oxygen.
I hear you. They got deep into us and we can't get them out. We are still being punished.
I unfortunately have had to abandon even love for my family. I tried to live and hate them at the same time.. it didn't end up working. I am currently at my wits end though and in very bad shape. I never imagined I would have to do this in my life
only my grand mother my only true friend died september 27 2011, the rest of my family are strangers, they don t know me
My narc father created a toxic family dynamic he was mad all the time yelling raging I was the scapegoat and my mother watched him hit me push me into walls pull my hair beat my butt black and blue I was not allowed to have an opinion or make any comments on how I felt even if I had to go to the bathroom or if I was hungry. Tried all my life tried to please him but never did
I was the scapegoat. My parents beat the shit out of me for defending myself against my older brother. He attacked me...let's just say it didn't end well for him. He lets out a wail on his way to the pavement...."DAAAAAAAAAAAD"....who then responded by jumping me with my older brother. I still have anxiety from the situation. That was just one of many. But better believe my older brother learned his place. That aspect makes me smile. 5 years ago and his ego is so bruised he still hasn't spoken to me. Bwaha
Can you also address the situation that the narcissist dies and what than happens within this family structure? Also interesting to hear is when the enabler dies.
Yes. The narcissist in my family will probably be passing away soon. She's in hospice care. So I'm already trying to deal with my emotions and wondering how I'll be able to heal.
Dr. Ramani did one recently on UA-cam
It seems that the golden child takes over the position of the deceased narcissist. Dealing with this aftermath is again very challenging. The other passive siblings do form a clan to exlude me because i went no contact
@@MsYooToob Thank you. I'll check it out.
@@therealspixycat I hope you are doing much better now that you don't have to deal with them. Thankfully, the golden child in my family is very sweet. He's made it difficult to blame him for being the favorite 🤦🏻♀️
My Mom would walk in My room anytime,listen in on My phone calls and tell Me to apologize to My friend..she would also watch inappropriate movies with Me,not porn but def. not something to watch with your son...wanted to control every aspect of My life..which made me co-dependent...then I was shamed for that and not being able to stand up for Myself......to the outside world and her friends she is amazing....I was raised thinking I am a shitty person always and I believe it to this day...oddly she did not do this with My older sister...in fact My older sister mirrored her behavior and became almost a second Narc Mom....My dad was just aloof and never helped Me....I am completely unable to date or connect to women..I have had to become asexual in a sense...
Not saying this as a victim just that I am learning this at 47,thanks for the validation after so much invalidation
thank u for ur comment, when thinking about my brothers i see the same issues. i wish u well.
Sounds like my mother n experiences 🌸🙏
Sounds like you may have been the "scapegoat", and your sister was the "Golden Child". (Google those terms if you don't understand what I meant.) 😬
Yeah after I realized my mother was a narcissist and that my sister has a serious amount of traits and mirrored mom, I realized my first girlfriend was a narcissist and that I generally attract these sorts of women. I don't trust any of them anymore, not enough to even have a girlfriend.
I try to talk to women, but they don't want to talk to me. I'm attracted to women, but I have little interest in even getting to know a woman because nearly all of my girlfriends or possible girlfriends were narcissists, I can legitimately think of maybe one who wasn't.
Strange. The older I got. The less my narcissistic mother respected my privacy. My responsibility was paying the phone bill. She would be around corners listening. Pick up & listen. & listen to voice-mail messages I received. Repeating what she heard & getting my golden child brother to report anything he heard. She'd use this as an excuse to tease, goad & start arguments. She was trying to have me totally isolated & was jealous that I wanted to communicate with the outside world. But if I talked to her. She'd get this look of impatience. Disgust & boredom on her face. & cut me off or ignore me. Or make it look like I said or did something wrong. Can't win with these people. They are totally unreasonable.
I have watched and studied many videos about the narcissistic family and this one is the most spot on and succinct. This is my family to a T! I am the scapegoat but thankfully got out of 'the system' with the help of recovery and therapists and friends. It's so validating to be understood or be knowledgable as this therapists points out. I still have to check my self-deprecating self-talk on a daily basis!! I literally told my Dad how I feel love recently. I suggested he ask me a few questions about my life. He refused. Sick!!!
very short and to the point and clear. i never did therapy, and learned the hard way in middle age unfortunately, in my late 50s. im 59 now. my life has been a very rocky road thus far.
Don't give up on yourself, YOU MATTER! I too have had to find my way through this landscape of abuse, dumped on me in childhood, now dealing with it again in a so-called friendship. Only in the last 2-3 years have I come to fully understand what/how this can really alter a person's life, perceptions, etc. I thank God for Jesus. I stay in His word, and believing it or not, this type of behavior is in the bible, but you won't find the word 'narcissist'. Let's pray that they repent of their actions, because the Lord tells us in His word, to stay away from them! Stay strong, seek the Lord for healing from this, keep your heart soft and take it one day at a time. 🙏❤️🔥🕊️🥰🌻☀️🤗
Spot on...not an ounce of love in this family.
I grew up hearing from my mother that my father as a narcissist. Now that I'm older it's clear they are BOTH narcissists! This video was more informative than any other I've seen on the subject, and I've seen a lot. Thank you Dr. Fox.
My healing began when I stopped being the manager of my mother's fan club. She further despised me for backing out of my assigned role in the family which caused confusion among my siblings. When I tried to hold her hand on her death bed she scowled at me and pulled her hand from me moments before she died. I was surprised I didn't take it personally. It was ok because of the therapy I received.
This was good - clear too! In my family we all learned to keep to ourselves. I am so disheartened that my grandchildren are growing up in a very narcisstic family too, - my son and his wife - she's a narcisist and he follows along with her lead on this mean, cold and callous dynamic adopting her ways. This past weekend, I was taking a fun picture of my young grandchildren as they were racing to the swings to jump on them, when my son knocked out the oldest, and only girl, from the tiny little race to the swing set. He kept bothering her and her smile completely disappeared and her dad told her he had to knock her out because she would have won against the little brothers (who could have cared less! And one of whom is the definite 'golden child' whom they ALWAYS protect) And when she tried to get back in the play he thwarted her, leaving her to hold back tears and go to the side of the house to hide. He followed her, she could have no space - so she yelled for him to stop it. While the boys are always allowed to tell him to stop it, the daughter is not (what a shame for her future not expecting men to respect her when she says stop it!) But her yells made him angry and he called her aside to rebuke her for having a bad attitude and said she is not allowed to speak to him that way
... as he continued to terrorize the poor child. Then she said very controlled, "I had to yell because you wouldn't let me play and you were annoying me so bad!" At which he reprimanded her again for sticking up for herself to him. Such a shame- to see this still happening - I thought they were getting better. And this is so small compared to the big picture (the daughter has been so abused - not the boys, just the girl) and so many other things that have happened. I wish there was recourse for grandparents.
Thank you for your comments and I wish you all the best.
I hear you grandma! I grew with a mother who treated like that as well. I was the scapegoat, my brother was the golden child. I also know a couple that acts justt like your daughter in law and son....he is the co-dependent she is the narc! I can only imagine the pain your heart feels as you observe with SO MUCH CLARITY was is going on. I was very close to my grandmother, she was the one who understood me, and felt soooo loved by her. So be close to your granddaughter...she will cherish you forever. 💗
@@miryreina925 give yourself and love and cherish your granddaughter she will turn out OK but also if the abuse worsens secretly contact children's services. Don't Bury your head in the sand start to write everything down.
Man, I had all of this kinda stuff going on when I was a kid. I can remember adults saying my mom was a narcissist whenever she wasn't in the room and I never knew what that really meant until I was older. She was big on family appearance being more important than my own feelings about anything.
I coped by going No Contact when my narcissistic father's pathology was triggered by my relocating to another country for work.
lol well said!
Thanks for this informative video. The really sad part about growing up in these family systems is that you are set up for failure or repeating more harmful relationships as you get shaped for example to tolerate alot of garbage and you have no sense of self and zero boundaries, a loss of belief in your gut instincts, and much more.. I for one learned the hard way after much suffering.
It is very sad….😞…..and very lonely…..
No one understands, unless they’ve been through it. Most people blame you, shame you and think you got what you deserved…..
what’s worse is that it’s so hard to get real help and very difficult to truly accept that their abusive behavior towards you was not your fault.
All of the abuse you suffered set you up for failure, therefore you have to disconnect from all of those toxic habits and re-parent yourself in the correct way you should have been.
Thanks Dr. Fox!
In my childhood I‘ve been emotionally abused by my father, or he didn‘t care about me at all.
My two younger brothers were the „golden boys“ and I was the scapegoat. He also abused and beat my mom.
There was always a lot of violence and trouble at home, when he was there.
I think he had very strong narcissistic traits or even NPD. He‘s dead for 25 years now.
I was never able to hate him, instead of, I began to hate myself. I think that‘s why I‘m a person with BPD.
I‘m really trying to change and understanding myself.
You are helping me a lot with your knowledge! 💪🤗
Great analysis. The way I managed to survive was deciding to invest in therapy for over a decade even when things were financially so tough because of all the attacks from the narcissists. And through that I developed a plan to exit the narcissistic family system. You need to be persistent, find an experienced ally, make the plan and stay vigilant because the family system will often try and get you back or destroy you for good. It's not a joke but it can be done.
Thank you. From an intercom system installed in the new house, to the "wrap ups" whenever I had a performance, concert, the denial of his physical spankings up to age 16, and my two brothers writing me off for bringing anything up that would upset the apple cart. Letter recieved from the N. father named Dick said "don''t bother coming back home until you learn how to behave. Not "allowed" at my mother's funeral due to the triangulations. The reality hurts. | Yet not as much as what I endured. BTW: after 40 years in therapy and many attempts to bridge the family gaps now back to insisting and practicing absolutely no contact.
Oh my goodness!!! Dr Fox this is SPOT ON 😮😮😮 this is my family!!! It’s disturbing how spot on it is because my dad and sister the narcs and my mom and brother the codependent enablers… I’m learning to heal my high functioning codependency/neglect and take my power back to gain my financial abundance to leave. I have rage - which I suspect may be a BPD trait because I lose my shit when I witness their abuse. And then the guilt cycle kicks in. I’m in therapy and committed to make it outside the system. I’m learning healthy communication and boundary setting with them amidst the painful situations. My commitment is to myself to not rage rather disengage and not share - and avoid triangulation. Thank you so much 🙏🏼🙏🏼
You can do it! It's not easy, but you're on your way already. Good luck!
@@khakicampbell6640 thank you!
Brilliant video. Emotional compliance is how the narcissist imprints their value systems on to others, disconnecting the victim from their own value system and ensuring that the no longer questions the actions and motives of their abusers.
Too many truths here... It hurts even after so many years
I had to hate them but they got me every time again with emotinal trauma in a value that i got amnesia to survive it.
now that I'm 20 I'm getting more self aware and realizing I grew up with a family with some narcissistic traits. I can't lie I was blinded and some of these traits rubbed off me but I'm trying to heal and take time to build my character and not let my trauma beat me.
Both my parents exhibited nearly all of these characteristics. I think the only thing that kept them together was the secrets they held over one another. The marriage felt like a two way hostage standoff. What made this so difficult to unpack were the decades of secrets. It took over 30 years of forensic pathologist work to dig up most of what was buried. Both parents are gone now. I'm sure they took some of those secrets to the grave, and I still sometimes wake with a sense of panic about what I'll probably never know.
Wow, this is the exact environment I grew up with.
My family life revolved around my father, my brother/ sister and I was somehow not in the loop. I always felt they kept me around because they felt sorry for me. Totally insane. They see the world through foggy glasses. I still remember the negative memories triggered by your video: He never wanted fat children (horrific), my mother would never tell people about my teaching degree incase I failed, my father hated being around us he was always on the computer or screaming how lazy my mother was, yet she did EVERYTHING for him, especially when he decided to get separated from her, but she still took care of his laundry and food. There's so much more but I won't go there, it's too long. Just when I thought I forgave him, the anger just shows its ugly face again.
My mother was in an almost exact situation.
As my mother was getting older she was getting worse ans worse to the point she became nearly crazy, she lost nearly all her friends, had barely no contact with family. The best things that happened to me was immigrating to a totally different country, marrying my wonderful husband, learning about toxic parents and meeting a friend in church who has very difficult parents and sharing with her our experiences. Also it was a glorious thing when my sister separately from me on her own discovered as well the truth about our mother - we were true sisters since then!
That happened with my mother too. She was always crazy, but knew how to hide it to a large degree to people outside of our immediate family. Everyone always thought she was nice, but behind closed doors, she was mean and abusive. But her mask started breaking down toward the end of her life. Like your mother, she became more reclusive and could no longer hide her mental illness.
#HalinkaP Everything you've written has echoes in my own life. As I understand things., The victims of NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDERED PEOPLE find thkat the NPD begins to gallop as they age. In my search for some reason why things were as they. were,. I did end up finding out what it was called. Having asked me to to tell him about my childhood onwards the Mr. MIRACLE I found was able to identify exactly what my Mother was. Even putting a name to it gives some relief. It means you can read up about it, learn to manage, recognise when a massive flair up was on the way and how to let myself off lightly when it did. And above all, you learn to stop blaming yourself. .
@@corryjookit7818 , "even putting a name to it" !!!!
My family of origin appeared well to do,. but it was an extremely dysfunctional situation that had 2 very narcissistic parents that were emotionally extremely cold and never satisfied or supportive. My mother, the most severe of the 2 only said, 'I love you" once to me in my whole life. Your lectures are incredibly helpful even in my senior years !
i had no privacy growing up and still don’t, when i try to set boundaries she cries and tells me what a terrible person i am
I find this to be an excellent assessment, thank you for this video. Children of narc parents greatly appreciate validation, which is in short supply from the family and our culture. My narc or sociopath beauty queen genius IQ mother favored my brother as her golden child and her 2nd husband a predator. Of course as the daughter of a narc mother I was the family scapegoat. I firmly believe our lifetimes on this planet are to diminish the ego and then to choose to grow in compassion hence the rough roads we travel. That said the excruciating unbearable pain is real; the recovery continues till the day we die. The more we work on the recovery the more our inner peace and happiness.
I think it can be a powerful practice to mentally re-frame the dynamic between the perceived aggressor and victim of narcissistic abuse by isolating the two individuals (conceptually as a treatment/healing practice) in order to clearly see what is actually at play on the individual level independent of the relationship. When I began to do this (as the child in the relationship afflicted by narcissistic tendencies), I began to see my parent for their own trauma and indeed their complete psychological makeup & development outside of the context of our relationship. Prior to this, I could only understand this person with respect to myself, which in addition to being severely limiting, as a matter of perspective, was fundamentally a framework that allowed little room for much more than disappointment, resentment and self-pity. By choosing to view the individual as such, I was afforded the opportunity to peer far deeper into the person without the weight of expectation and other implications of traditional roles between parent and child. There is an element of surrender required in this. The healing individual (I'm referring to you as the child if you're dealing with trauma from a narcissistic parent) must be willing to set aside the aspect of his or her own trauma long enough and completely enough for the attention to be turned to perceiving the inner dynamic of the abuser in its own context. For me this called to reflection my parent's personal history, psychology, and indeed this person's own trauma. The purpose of this is not to excuse this person's behavior or to foist blame on some antecedent person, thing or event as this tends to produce either a"rabbit hole" or a "dead end" depending on the information/insights available. For me, the power of this practice lies in generating a fuller view of this individual, allowing you to see them as someone much like yourself with both positive and negative behavioral tendencies, and this arrangement of perspective grants us the power to consider their problematic traits (no matter how terrible or insidious in our experience of these behaviors) as objective contents belonging to that person and not to us or because of us. This helps free our individual selves from blame, shame, or any causal connection whatsoever related to the narcissistic person's behavior, and grants us the basis for forming an identity independent of our trauma. I believe that perhaps this foundation of (s)elf may be just as much of a pre-requisite to any potential healing within the relationship between parent and child, as it certainly is for the child/recovering adult's own healing.
fortunately, I'm not alone, here.my folks told me, "what's wrong with you, why are you always so angry?"
now I know why.
My mom asked me if I didn't want her to be happy when I asked her not to bring every new boyfriend in the house immediately after the first date. Mom, I just want to feel safe.
Thank you for this video. Living in this situation was always so hard to explain to people. Your parents love you, why would they try to hurt you? I love that there is more and more information out there:)
That's so bad. I know the feeling because my college roommate would have people over till like 2 a.m. They were strangers to me and I didn't want to be surrounded by strangers at home
I had to become my own narcissistic parent. It was the only thing I knew how to do. Now it differently I incorporate humor as much as possible to the dynamic. It's a challenge.
I understand and humor can be a higher functioning defense mechanism. The only caution I would like to put out there is that sarcasm is hurtful but healthy and positive humor can be encouraging. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox I can be hurtful but healthy is negotiable within reason. Thank you! Love your work!
I have a narc mom and a pushover dad. He has no backbone, so he has to go along with however she talked to and treated us. He believes what she says… which is why I never talk to them unless necessary
Sounds like you’ve developed boundaries to keep yourself safe. I wish you well.
You literally explained my childhood, especially after my stepfather came into the picture! Thank you
I left my family after high school and went to another city to study psychology, then later, I went over an ocean to be as far as possible. As a daughter, my parents expected me to care for them, tried to guilt me, bribe me, etc. I have continued staying on my path even though it was not easy. I couldn't avoid feeling guilty here and there, but I stayed away.
I’m starting to become convinced that my parents only adopted me as a narcissistic pursuit. Now I’m 25 and I’m taking on the brunt of the caretaking responsibilities, even though they have 3 other children. My dad’s drama and toxic behaviour has driven everybody out of our lives who isn’t already a part of the toxic family system. He constantly is involved in drama and court cases - of which he expects me to always take his side and help him with the paperwork. I have often felt like a slave. Like I was just adopted as an insurance policy so that they’d have a child that would take care of them in their old age (the rest are boys). Now that I’m in a relationship, it feels like my dad is pushing his agenda onto us. Talk of a wedding when I’m not even engaged - and he’s making the whole thing about himself. Using my potential future wedding as an opportunity to get revenge on certain family members and prove a point, without asking me at all what I want. My dad always gets his way because any sign of non-compliance (real or imagined) results in him throwing a tantrum and going on an abusive tirade. He makes such a stink until he gets his way. It makes me sad because I love my father, but I hate being around him. He’s just like a walking storm cloud. And now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells throughout my whole life. I’m constantly anxious.
In my acquaintance circle, I observe a couple who have two adopted children. The wife is the narcissist and the husband is the enabler. It's heartbreaking to watch, and no I'm not close enough to intervene. If I point out that she is abusive to her children.....well, you know where that goes. I'll tell you, though, what I'd like to tell those girls some day. You can gather up your strength and courage little by little to the point where you leave.
Nittya Rizza I really feel for you and it's extremely sad about the amount of children who've ended up with a highly narcissistic adoptive parent, or even two of them, in some cases. ❤
I remember when I was a child we were told off if we were playing and having fun. Our parents would say 'stop wasting your energy and go do something useful'. Sport was strongly discouraged and mocked. We were told we were selfish and inconsiderate if we did anything for entertainment or relaxation or that wasn't benefiting the parents. We grew up on a farm and if we weren't working then we weren't 'earning our keep'. I realise in hindsight I was physically and emotionally neglected. I am only just learning about narcissism now through videos like this and coming to terms with the negative impacts its had on my life. My attempts to care for myself as an adult are still heavily loaded with guilt from my childhood conditioning.
My mother has narcissistic tendencies and that made life hell for me growing up. She would listen in on phone calls (still does), blame me for things I couldn’t control, would quickly snap and overpower a conversation, and so many other things. My grandma enabled these behaviors because she was a people pleaser. I grew up conflicted because even from an early age, I knew I couldn’t go to her in times of trouble because she would use my struggles against me. But still I sought her validation. I’m grown now and moved out, but she still has this grip I can’t shake. Some days she’s sweet, some days it’s hell. But I’m learning boundaries. I’m learning to stand up to her, something I couldn’t do before. Narc parents are the most vicious to handle, but once you learn what makes them tick, it’s easy to shut them down.
Dr Fox just described my whole childhood.
You mentioned people having a fear of failure is a sign of having a narcissistic parent. That's what schools do to children: make them fear failure by punishing them for mistakes, which are a normal part of learning.
Do you think that school systems are narcissistic in nature?
I wouldn't be surprised at all if it was more likely created by covert control freaks.
My partner helped me a lot. Made me feel worthy of love, made me see I am an intelligent and capable person. I grew up thinking that I am a deep disappointment, good for nothing, my feelings didn't matter and my main function was to keep mom happy and out of any trouble I had. This needed a lot of lying to her.
I was the scapegoat
Once in a while one of them will try to contact me, My first reaction is did they run out of people to harrass, what a mess
Scapegoat here. Left when I was 17 and was lucky and blessed enough to live with a loving family
I lived a life on the edge, with parents who were always about to divorce where feelings between them would change within days or even hours. Waking up in the morning with parents who loved each other and hearing them fight in the evening, then silent treatment for days that would either end up in divorce talks or sudden love. Rinse and repeat. My brain was constantly being fried by all that anxiety, my preoccupation as a child was who I would live with, where I would live, how I would divide my stuff, who was going to keep the cats and things like that. They really destroyed romantic relationships for me.
I certainly understand, but you can learn to do it differently. I wish you well.
Wow. That sounds exactly like my childhood. Constant anxiety, fear, sadness, stress. You’re not alone. My parents supposedly have no recollection of it. But I sure do.
looking forward to this series, hoping to see you cover narcissistic and abusive older siblings/half/step siblings.
I'd love to hear that video....been there seen it done.oh the splitting abd in my trust my sister in law placed letter my brother typed to my shrink..for this,reason..I believe its because dad was a,war vet they didnt wa t to believe me. He once swung me into a,radiotor head first at,age two ..potty Training....my god how my mother banged on that locked bathroom four to rescue me...fun fact the bathroom. Was attached to a porch she ran got a ice pack in a diaper opens the window calling my dad the stupidest man she ever met....way to go mom..I was in hysteria with a huge lump on my head bleeding ..no joke she couldn't get it to stop.....I saw,stars the first ti e at age two head teau a I just told my therapist head trauma
PS for time I told my. Baby sisyer the ex psych nurse. ..she couldn't believe it but its true he al.oat killed me if mo. Didnt save me for all those babies that get beat. I hear you honey
Men so.etimes lose it
How did unload as did both and moved me the thinilovedmydad but it out in the open.as aadultive tried to be humble psych he tried y panic attacks going on new desk two weeks ..love to back in a pool enjoy life its we hell novo tact with my sister twenty five years my brother two years
My parents were narcissistic. I want to know what I can do to move forward. I’m 44 now and I’m still haunted by the abuse.
I had so many ah-hah moments from this video. Total perspective change!
The narcissist in my family (mom) also has BPD. She created 4 very empathetic kids. I might be the only one of us with BPD, though. Looking forward to seeing what I can learn. Thanks in advance 😊.
👋 Daughter with BPD of a narcissist mother too here, I wish you the best!
@@LaGrossePaulik Thank you, you too! 🤍
Same 😔
I’m right there with you, I wish it had been easier for me. Only wish you the best.
@@WhitePelicansareReal I understand. We're all survivors of things that are so very difficult and, sadly, ongoing for most. The kids in my family all had/have their own private struggles. We all had/have a very hard time dealing with our mom and ourselves. I wish you the best in your situation and healing 🤍
Ah exactly how my family is so sad
And yeah my mom especially was WAY too big on “appearances.” She was constantly saying “WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK” over the dumbest shit. She even had a word for it “the acceptable norm.” And any little thing I did to step out of it she’d rip me to shreds over. My feelings absolutely didn’t matter at all.
Narcisstic family dynamics most certainly exist and are exhausting to deal with.