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What Simon hasn't told people in a video about people exiting the gene pool stage left, is that everyone who signs up for a policy using that link automatically makes Simon the beneficiary! (kidding, pretty sure this would not be legal. Even though a rather large US phone company got caught taking out life insurance policies on all it's employees with itself as the beneficiary. Wondered why they cut the health & safety budget before doing that deal.)
Our teacher told us this story. There was a group of guys trying to see who could jump the highest and grab the awning around the school porch. One guy jumped, got his class ring stuck, and nearly ripped off his finger. The teacher took him to the emergency room then returned to the school, only to turn around and take a second student to the ER. He'd been demonstrating how the accident happened, got his class ring stuck and nearly ripped off his finger. These two ened up sharing a room in the hospital.😂
Reminds me of that old court case where the attorney was trying to demonstrate how the gun could have misfired indicating that the deceased shot himself and that his client was innocent. Apparently no one checked whether the gun was loaded before bringing it into court as evidence. The gun misfired shooting the attorney and killing him. His client was ruled to be innocent after that compelling demonstration.
I nearly won a Darwin Award myself when I was 14. I had been a dancer for nine years, taking ballet, tap, tumbling, and jazz dance. I also spent a summer volunteering as a clown at local events to raise money for charities doing prat falls and different routines and also making balloon animals for donations. My sister who is two years older than I had just gotten her driver's license when we went to see some action movie. On the drive home I was thinking about the movie and all the stunts that were performed. With my experience of dance and comedic falls and such I thought to myself that maybe being a stuntman might be a possible career. I told my sister about this epiphany and tried to convince her that there was no time like the present to start practicing. I told her that if she slowed the car down to five miles or so I could easily leap from the car to the grass at the side of the road and roll safely to a stop. Then she could tell me if it looked convincing. After over a minute of silence she said okay. I thought that meant she had slowed down to about 5 mph or 8 kph. I opened the door and leapt. I hit the ground hard and rolled for quite a bit longer than expected, almost smashing my face into a fire hydrant. Turns out when my sister said okay it was because she was reluctantly agreeing. She had only slightly slowed down at that point and we were still going about 20 mph or 32 kph. Being a stupid kid I was perfectly fine and only had a couple of scrapes. We agreed to never tell my mom about this little lapse in judgement or else my sister probably would never be allowed to drive again. Thinking back on it I realized just how terribly wrong it could have gone. Like if I got tangled in the seatbelt or slipped I could have ended up under the car. Needless to say I never did become a stuntman.
Went to my Aunt's old house with my cousin when it was for sale. We looked at the distance from the house to the shed and all the big rocks in between. We decided we were incredibly stupid when we were 14 and used to jump between the roofs.
brilliant… And reminds me of the time my brother slammed into the ground riding his bike at high speed down a hill… Because he had taken off the front wheel and forgot to screw it on all the way… Teenagers do such dumb things lol
Borrowed Dad's circular saw and drill to "convert" several sets of skis to accommodate roller blades so we could all go "skiing" down a neighborhood hill... and ended up "caught" by police after being clocked at over 40 mph in a 20-zone... probably because of the loss of control at the end of said street where it "T-ed" to the state-route with traffic at 45 mph... Got the BRILLIANT idea to practice for rally racing with our go-karts, but never bothered with anything like "suspension"... so these were the "old school" flat runners... no roll bar, let alone a cage, no shocks, and retuned B&S engines that put out plenty of power to hit 80+ mph... launching them off dunes and dirt-piles seemed great, until we were breaking the rolled steel frames in half... Anyone ever roll a two-seat go-kart without a roll-bar (literally just a frame with sheet-steel and pads for seats with a steering wheel and engine... four wheels... go...??? Yeah, that's not pretty WITH helmets, but this was the 80's and 90's... Got my legal Motorcycle license at 15... and found out by 17 that the sheriff's office had my name on a board with about 24 others (all boys, btw)... It was a "pool" betting on which ones of us would live long enough to drink alcohol legally... From where I sit, pretty much ALL the males who reach adulthood to laugh so smugly about Darwin Awards have only LUCK to thank for it. We've all done at least a few thinks that were considerably less than well thought out. We've ALL done at least 2 things stupid enough to have a high probability of instant death and not much anyone could've done... AND we've ALL looked back within about 5 or 10 minutes TOPS at least once in our lives and said "Wow... That was F***IN' DANGEROUS AND STUPID!!!" The thing is MOST of us live and learn. Sometimes more unscathed than others... AND some take a little more time than others to fully appreciate it... BUT there are a few who just don't... and not because they died the first time around... They just didn't learn to appreciate how lucky those formative moments were, and took the opposite approach. "It's worked so far, so it can't be as dangerous as they say."... AND we get the supposedly "grown-ass adults" earning their awards here and elsewhere... ;o)
That is an excellent example of the kind of things that adults are supposed to protect children against. It's also exactly the class of stupidity that children are OFTEN...but not always...rugged enough to survive if they need to! Thank goodness you didn't meet that hydrant face-first or something, but...yes, your sister should have thought that over and then OVER again when she thought "Oh fine, maybe I should let her do this, surely it'll be okay!" "...on second thought, what was I just THINKING?! No way! MOM will kill me if I didn't 'kill me' first if anything went wrong!" @.o For anyone it might help; when I have to REALLY think about something that seems a little dumb to do, if I didn't have an easy decision, my process is then to think about it from the other direction; "If I allow this, what are the FULL list of ways that Mom might need to flay me alive for doing?" Also, "If I allow this, what TRULY can go wrong with this idea? Would I allow my little niece to do the same thing? No? Why not? Does that reason make it maybe not a good idea for others to do? Then let's not do this!" Also, as a general rule, while it makes my life a bit boring, it also made it so I have never had a TBI or broken bone; If I can't be sure it's a good idea, the default answer is "No."
Speaking of close brushes with death, my gf recently had one. She was driving through Germany on the autobahn in our van. Another driver fell asleep at the wheel and knocked her tail out, causing her to lose control at motorway speeds. Witnesses say the van did two somersaults, tail over nose, before eventually coming to rest astride the outer barrier right way up. Roof caved in, side door lost, half the contents spread out along 50 yards of motorway. Gf walked out with nothing worse than a minor bump on the head and a mark from the seat belt. Iveco, you build legendarily tough vans.
Simon, the story of your child might have gotten me fired because I laughed out loud so hard! That caught me completely by surprise. It was still worth it. 😂
If anyone has CCTV footage of Simon frantically running back and forth at the restaurant garden with shit on his hands, I'll pay you handsomely, and give you proper credit for the resulting documentary. Also, the memes and edits on this was next level, excellent work.
Parents being relaxed enough to tell your partner embarrassing moments like that, because they know it'll be playful and endearing, is how you know you're in a good long-term relationship.
@@134StormShadow prospective partner? so.... everybody? and "partner"? you mean girlfriend right? then again, you misused prospective, so i guess you don't know why you're using "partner" either. careful that darwin award is looking good for you.
I think the assumption is that the pants had already been craped in, so might as well use the rest of the pants as tp before getting another item dirty.
Unhinged? This is the worst Darwin Awards upload ive ever watched. It's just him talking about instances. No audio, video, pictures or screenshots etc.... Lame
Consider this the request for MORE Darwin Award videos... and keep 'em coming. There used to be a show called 1000 ways to die, it would joke at some of the stupid things people would do that caused their own demise. I miss that show.
A Darwin Award from some years back that always comes to my mind involves two security guards who had just been given new bulletproof vests. The first guard put on his vest and asked the second to help him test it -- so the second guard drew his gun and shot him........ in the head. 🤦♂🤦♂
OMG the editing in this episode is absolutely amazing! Why does it have everything I love in it? Star trek? Supernatural? Lorelei you absolute legendary editor you!
My absolute favorite part of this video is that it's about 20% actual content, with the remaining 80% consisting of Simon going off on tangents and rants. 😅
I think he's going through all the "D" name writers. WHERE"S DANNY? DAVE! GET OUT OF THAT BASEMENT! DON'T EAT THE MUSHROOMS. Kevin is probably safe for now, alphabetically-allegedly.
Watching Simon spontaneously recall his buried memories of the “fake udder” trauma that he experienced in childhood was emotionally powerful, and it explained so much. 😅
"Golf is a great way to ruin a nice long walk." An oldie but a goodie… possibly from a book of classic dad jokes. Aaaaaand, if I met a bear in the woods, I would definitely be taking a shite, uncontrollably, with added screaming. Although, as an Aussie if I heard one and spotted it on the ground I'm not going to need to run as fast, if the noise came from above me, well that doesn't even bear thinking about.
So long as the kids don't manage to talk about his 'Casual Criminalist' list, and his IN DEPTH discussions about the world's worst serial killers, should be all good. That being said, if one of those teachers happens upon the Golden State Killer, Ed Gein, Ted Bundy, or John Wayne Gacy, they're going to lock him up and throw away the key.
As the father of 2 kids, oh man. No one can teach you what you're about to live with lol. So many stories my wife and I have that are just ridiculous that I can't wait to bring up at my son/daughter's wedding speech :P
7:33 One of the most well-known people who skipped this part is Adam Savage (of Myth Busters), who nearly died in a swimming accident as a teenager. On his 18th birthday he broke his neck, when he jumped head-on into a rock. He survived without suffering long-term consequences. (He talks about this in a UA-cam video "Ask Adam Savage: How I Broke My Neck".) It just goes to show that even the smartest people sometimes do very stupid things, especially while they're young.
Patrick McManus, a US comedy writer, told a hilarious story about going deer hunting as a youth, getting a deer, and strapping it behind him on his bicycle to go home, and the deer was only mostly dead. the ensuing chaos is hysterical
Oh *no!* The *pain!* And the worst part of that story is it happened in *India.* That means it was a *sloth bear.* Those things are basically plus-sized honey badgers.
While not specifically qualifying for a Darwin Award, man have I got a short tale to tell y'all. It's about one of my closest friends, going on nearly 25 years now. He's a few years younger than me. And I'm pretty sure I'd left the Army and was just starting college at the time. Anyhow. Dude finally managed to wrangle his way into the Marine Corps, shortly after he graduated. Had a *bit* of prior legal trouble that hindered that path, but nothing serious. So, he finishes boot and gets to his first duty station. Camp Pendleton, in SoCal (for those not familiar with US geography). After only a month or so in, I get a phone call from him. Figured it was the usual checking in and catching up. But naw. He goes on to explain that over the course of that weekend, he decided to hit some local bars. One thing leads to the next, and he's now 3 sheets to the wind. A few hours later, and he finds himself in a bar. In Tijuana, Mexico. A whole 70 miles (112 km) away from post. The sun starts to rise, and he begins panicking. So, what did he decide to do? If you guessed he'd strike out on his own, wandering around until he found a border fence, hop that fence, then almost immediately get picked up by Border Patrol? Then you guessed correctly.
LMAO, the commander of the Navy nuke school in Orlando in the mid 90's was a total lush. Dude was so plastered constantly that he even got arrested once while drunk in a mismatched uniform. 😂
Simon's child pooping outside will now be my favorite tangent as of yet. Didnt expect to laugh this hard, but me and my sister ended up on the floor in tears😂.
Simon. You have kids, carry wet wipes and Clorox wipes everywhere you go, every time you go, always. Edit: I posted before the story about your son, and I rest my case. Lmao
My almost award moment was when I was walking down a street, and (yes I was such a geek) reading a paperback as I did so, not noticing anything till I hear a LOUD blasting horn from my right and turn my head and look into the front of a slowly (thank goodness) moving freight train about 20 feet from hitting me as I cross the track, after that I stopped reading as I walked and always kept my head on a swivel to stay alert!
I love the use of Nac Mac Feegle! Idk who the editor is, but they are now officially my favorite UA-cam editor! Fav UA-camr - Simon Fav UA-cam writer - Ilsa Fav UA-cam editor - this guy/gal Seriously, anytime you can sneak in a Pratchett reference you make me smile, thank you :D
*sigh* We use all kinds of things safely. Chainsaws, tablesaws, etc. You can definitely use pretty much any tool safely. Source: am blind and used all kinds of sharp pointy things that make loud noises...
A friend of mine accidentally took a big swig of gas/oil mix after mistaking it for his drink. If that wasn't bad enough, he immediately spat it out in a massive spray… right at a camp fire. Soooo yeah, he went to the ER.
14:08 - My child-free friends would think that you're exaggerating that story. I and the other parents know that, no, that's a perfectly reasonable story and likely happened. Most of us started parenting wearing, like, elbow-length rubber gloves for diaper changes, and within a year or so are one step shy of just hosing the kid off in the backyard ("back garden" for the non-Americans). One of the best lessons my dad passed down to me was, "Skin washes, just get it done." I'll never forget having to change my kid on the floor of a restaurant's men's room because they didn't think that men had to care for kids and didn't even have counter space; so glad I packed a changing pad to lay the kid down on, so they weren't on the cold tile floor. I should've just changed the kid on the table nearest the bathroom to make the point. It's one of the few times in my life I ever actually spoke to the manager/owner with a recommendation/complaint.
I think Simon should do a Brain Blaze-like channel focusing on strange, wacky, and absurd facts, people, and events from history like Terrare, the 1904 Olympic Marathon, the 1905 Russian Baltic Fleet, and Daniel Dancer.
You mean like “Today I found out about…”, “Decoding the unknown”, “Top Tens”, “Mega Projects” and “Side Projects”? And I’m fairly sure I’ve missed some channels.
@@danielriley7380 Those lean towards the more serious side of the spectrum, minus Decoding the Unknown, rather than the comedic, meme filled, off the wall antics of Brain Blaze.
The 1904 Olympics is a wild story. If you don’t follow the podcast called The Dollop, their episode in the 1904 Olympics is one of the funniest things I have ever heard 😂😂😂
Life insurance that will cover your funeral is a minimum that you can do for your family. Take it from someone who had to flip the bill on a funeral, it is worth getting the insurance. Many banks now offer it as a free bonus with your account
Hell yes!! I've been watching non-stop brain Blaze since it's one of the few things that makes me laugh and eases my extremely bad depression. Whoo who let's go!!!!
My best friend chose to go into law enforcement as a career. She was the magnificent height of 4'10", which is key. Anyway, in her training for yhis career, one of her classes for firearms and targeting. And keep on mind the standard targets they used were silhouette targets, male, abt 6 ft in height. Training 1 day was lineof sight shooting, which is holding the gun with both hands in frint of you, arms straight. After my friend ket off her rounds and her target was inspected, all her MALE classmates goraned, grabbed their crotches, and doubled over. Her instructor told her: "You may never kill anyone in the line of duty, but you'll sure disable them for life."
In retrospect i had so many brushes with death as a kid it's pretty crazy i made it to the ripe old sge of 50! Probably the most random was when my brother dropped an old Coke bottle on the driveway and a shard of it flew off and severed my femoral artery at the ankle. Had my mother not tourniqueted me properly i would not be here! I had to have transfusions as well and since then i have always been a blood donor.
This isn’t a Darwin Award, but it is a brush with death. I once lost control going down an icy hill and spun out more than 360deg into traffic on a divided highway. I ended up with my back tires in the median and my car about 45deg to the road, heading in the correct direction.
There are two men in my town that have become urban legends, but I have met them both and can tell you for sure they really do exist. One was cycling on a hot day with a sheet of LSD on his back. He OD’d and now believes he is a peach tree. He lives in a long-term care facility. The other stuck his arm into the cage of a lion at a now defunct zoo and the lion ate it. He now uses a prosthetic and has a great story about what not to do when you’re drunk!
Funny that your peach tree story seems like a rehash of the story of a guy who stuck 100 sheets to his stomach and then go sweaty at border control and then eventually believed he was an orange. That story is just another spin on heaps of "I believed I was an orange" story. And it seems that your story is another spin, using peach tree instead of Oranges. You say you've met the guy, what kind of conversation did you have with him, and what did he say?
I don't know if you've heard, Simon, but the position we take sitting on the toilet is extremely unconducive to pooping. We evolved to squat, and that position kind of stretches out some ligaments and opens up some spaces and makes everything go a whole lot smoother. It's why you get people selling you little footstools to put your feet on while pooping on the toilet. Your son felt he had to poop, but he had trouble actually getting it out while sitting on the toilet, likely because it was so big. Then you had him squat, and, well... all of a sudden the whole thing became a lot easier on him.
My ex husbands uncle got a Darwin Award. He’d been a hunter since he was a teenager, group of family men trudged of to play deer camp. They had a few beers before they headed out. Uncle loaded his gun and took the safety off. While they are marching up and down a ravine. The group comes to a barbed wire fence the men are carefully holding the wire open for each other and holding each others guns. The uncle was the last to come to the fence. Everyone made fun of him and started off without him. He puts the rifle on the ground under the fence and he climbed through and then he grabbed the barrel and pulled the gun toward him. Of course the trigger got stuck on a rock and it pulled the trigger. Blew his head off in front of most of the male members of his family, including his teenage son
When I was 7, I was rollerskating at a friends house, and we were trying to speed down the driveway and across the street as far and fast as possible. The street was paved with asphalt so you would slow quickly, so you needed a lot of speed to make it across without pushing off to keep going. This was a enclosed neighborhood, with little traffic and we could see down the street easily, so it was not a horrible or stupid thing, please note that. I looked, saw no cars so I really worked up some speed down this steep driveway, but sure enough as I came into the street, a car suddenly was there and hit me... well we hit each other, I slammed into his front fender on the passenger side. I was going so fast luckily, that I dented the car a bit but I bounced off and even somehow kept to my feet, somehow ending up leaning on a parked car. The guy barely paused, saw I was standing and took off. meanwhile the entire street's inhabitants run out and force me to lay on a lawn, checking me for injuries. I was a little dizzy but not concussed, and I had no broken bones at all. I was winded and was sore already, but I was basically fine. Seems the adults knew who had hit me and called the cops on the man for his hit and run... My family took me to my normal doctor to be checked out and things were quiet for a bit... Until that guy tried to sue my family for the damage to his car, the dent made by my 7 year old self hitting his speeding car! Now, needless to say, I am unaware if he was arrested for the hit and run, I was a child, so... But when he tried to sue for damages, he became VERY unpopular in the neighborhood! I do know that the court tossed his suit out before my family could even have to go in to hear about it... Later I was told that his car was smashed to bits by some unknown people, and he could do nothing about it, and thus moved away within a few months of his failed lawsuit. I survived being hit by a car! So the idea we had was sorta stupid, but really, how could that man think he could sue for damages made by his hitting a little girl!? I'd say he gets an Honorable mention Darwin Award, because he certainly was too inept and stupid to contribute to the gene pool. [I do know he was divorced, and had no kids at that time, and this was the mid to late 70's...] Don't do dumb stunts kids!
So i resently invested in some quality headphones.... i am starting to understand what his editor is complaining about every time Simon torches his desk it sound like i am in of Jurassic park
Oh my god what comedic gold this is. Watched 2 stand up comics vefore thid and didn't laugh as hard. The editor(s) need a massive raise. Those doctor who clips were spot on and gems! Please make another, longer and fast please!!
I’ve been binging Doctor Who in anticipation of the 60th anniversary special and I guess it spilled over in BB! Ah well, nobody seems to be complaining! Thanks!
Please unironically get life insurance - 10-15x your income. I've known too many people who have died young leaving behind a family and small children. Simon is a legend for partnering with Policy Genius.
Because of the first story I want to write about something that happened in My life. It was not Darwin Award worthy however is relevant to cliff Jumping safety. My little brother a friend and I were swimming at an abandoned Marble Quarry as there was a fairly large pool of water there, Alongside a cliff about 15-20m in height. My little brother wanted to jump and I wasn't going in the water as this was our first time there and wanted to be sure of the water quality as I have a sensitive stomach. So I asked my friend to check to make sure there were no dangerous rocks in the water as he was swimming there. He signaled my little brother that it was clear and my little brother jumped and was fine. HOWEVER, the important part here is that friend that I had lied and later told me he didn't actually check. Having realised how much danger he put my little brother in without checking I nearly killed him, but I held myself back and as soon as I was able I stopped being friends with him. I checked the water after myself and there was a dangerous rock that if my little brother landed on, it would have killed him so I designated exactly where to jump for everyone that wanted to do so. No one got hurt, but I will never forget such a betrayal of trust, always check beforehand ad doubly so even if someone you know did.
That drinking game was a terrible idea, Sam, I'm now beyond buzzed and I've got to go to the office tomorrow 😂 Edit: just read the ending properly. Lorelei! This is *your* fault, not his! 😅
When I was a kid my family went to Story Land in New Hampshire. They had a similar "cow" that you could "milk". One of the teats was missing and had a constant stream of water coming out.
☺☺ Oh, wow, thank you so much! It seems I've grown on a few people, if the comments are anything to go by, and you're all so wonderfully sweet and supportive. This is the best job I've ever had. ❤🤘
My favorite Darwin Award was for the guy who got in a spitting contest from the balcony twenty stories up in a high rise. Genius decided to run at the railing at full speed and then spit. Instant Darwin Award. Well not instant, he had a few seconds of regret.
Unfortunately the footballer that jumped of the cliff in Mallorca (I live here) didn't die from hitting the cliffs. He died from drowning because he could not swim with broken bones. Terrible.
I always found Darwin awards hilarious until my brother claimed one . Somewhat ironically , it was he who introduced me to their existence . He was a big fan .
sorry about your brother man. but at least whenever you think about him, you get a chuckle with a tear in your eye! that's a sellable meme shot all on its own!
My sister is a scientist working in a very unique nature reserve. When they find rattle snakes too close to their facilities they capture them and put them in a bucket to transport them far out into the reserve. As the reserve is very hot and dry, and their facilities are a water source, some days they will get a good amount of rattlers. One day, when the bucket was rather full of angry snakes, one of her colleagues took the bucket in the utility vehicle, to get rid of them. When he made it to the dumping off zone, he noticed that although he set out with five snakes only four were accounted for. One of the snakes had scurried away and was hiding out in the vehicle somewhere. They never seemed to find it but just accepted that perhaps they were driving with a venomous snake holed up in the open undersides of the seat was now just a fact of life.
My sister jumped off of a bridge with some random people because it “ looked like fun” The rope was too long and she hit the water harder than she was supposed to. The guys pulled her up, grabbed their gear and took off. She had six broken ribs and a fear of anything involving spontaneous stupidity. 😂
I adopted a ten-foot Burmese python but failed to bring a snake sack for the trip home. Halfway home I had to pull off the road and wrestle my new living seatbelt off of me. The python had wrapped firmly around both me and My headrest. Fun times!
Other Dave sounds like the lad you agree to go out for a pint with and end up curled up on couch beside a "Road Ahead Closed" sign, in a crackden 4 days later, jobless, single and homeless... But worth every second of it! 😂
The restaurant garden poop story will be remembered as one of the greatest Brain Blaze tangents of all time. I wish I could give Simon a standing ovation for that one. Actually, if I ever see him in the real world I will. I'll stand up, clap as loud as I can, and simply chant "Poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop!" And he definitely won't remember the context by then.
To start comparing quotes and simplify insurance-buying, check out Policygenius: Policygenius.com/blaze. Thanks to Policygenius for sponsoring this video!
Or you know what? Move to EU where all insurance is highly moderated and it's not easy for companies to just take your money away for nothing.
Also Simon, insurance in czechia is not so bad here. There are online comparisons even for life insurance.
@@DarthReaper4500iqi
What Simon hasn't told people in a video about people exiting the gene pool stage left, is that everyone who signs up for a policy using that link automatically makes Simon the beneficiary!
(kidding, pretty sure this would not be legal. Even though a rather large US phone company got caught taking out life insurance policies on all it's employees with itself as the beneficiary. Wondered why they cut the health & safety budget before doing that deal.)
Damn, how caffeinated are you in this video?
Starting a Darwin Awards video with a life insurance service sponsor is comedic genius.
I came here to say this 😅
🤔 I got an Expedia ad lol
@@finmand1338Simon’s in video ad, no the UA-cam ad.
Simon follows the first three rules of advertising. Location, location, location.
Simon follows the first three rules of advertising. Location, location, location.
Our teacher told us this story.
There was a group of guys trying to see who could jump the highest and grab the awning around the school porch. One guy jumped, got his class ring stuck, and nearly ripped off his finger. The teacher took him to the emergency room then returned to the school, only to turn around and take a second student to the ER.
He'd been demonstrating how the accident happened, got his class ring stuck and nearly ripped off his finger.
These two ened up sharing a room in the hospital.😂
Reminds me of that old court case where the attorney was trying to demonstrate how the gun could have misfired indicating that the deceased shot himself and that his client was innocent. Apparently no one checked whether the gun was loaded before bringing it into court as evidence. The gun misfired shooting the attorney and killing him. His client was ruled to be innocent after that compelling demonstration.
@@Cillana Clement Vallandigham you can read about the story here. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clement_Vallandigham
What a dedicated lawyer.
@@Cillanasaul Goodman level representation tbh
What is a "class ring"??
Simon has two small children and doesn’t keep a stack of fast food napkins in his glovebox? Madness.
I don't have kids and I keep napkins in my glovebox.
Doesn't everyone?
I don't keep fast food napkins in my car, although I don't have children. I do have a roll of paper towels though.
I don't have children either, but I have tissues and wet wipes. Now, I'm going to have to toss in paper towels as well. 😄
He also does cocaine 😵💫
He’ll soon learn!
I nearly won a Darwin Award myself when I was 14. I had been a dancer for nine years, taking ballet, tap, tumbling, and jazz dance. I also spent a summer volunteering as a clown at local events to raise money for charities doing prat falls and different routines and also making balloon animals for donations. My sister who is two years older than I had just gotten her driver's license when we went to see some action movie. On the drive home I was thinking about the movie and all the stunts that were performed. With my experience of dance and comedic falls and such I thought to myself that maybe being a stuntman might be a possible career. I told my sister about this epiphany and tried to convince her that there was no time like the present to start practicing. I told her that if she slowed the car down to five miles or so I could easily leap from the car to the grass at the side of the road and roll safely to a stop. Then she could tell me if it looked convincing. After over a minute of silence she said okay. I thought that meant she had slowed down to about 5 mph or 8 kph. I opened the door and leapt. I hit the ground hard and rolled for quite a bit longer than expected, almost smashing my face into a fire hydrant. Turns out when my sister said okay it was because she was reluctantly agreeing. She had only slightly slowed down at that point and we were still going about 20 mph or 32 kph. Being a stupid kid I was perfectly fine and only had a couple of scrapes. We agreed to never tell my mom about this little lapse in judgement or else my sister probably would never be allowed to drive again. Thinking back on it I realized just how terribly wrong it could have gone. Like if I got tangled in the seatbelt or slipped I could have ended up under the car. Needless to say I never did become a stuntman.
Ah, the joys of youthful stupidity 😂
This was an incredible story.
Went to my Aunt's old house with my cousin when it was for sale. We looked at the distance from the house to the shed and all the big rocks in between. We decided we were incredibly stupid when we were 14 and used to jump between the roofs.
brilliant… And reminds me of the time my brother slammed into the ground riding his bike at high speed down a hill… Because he had taken off the front wheel and forgot to screw it on all the way… Teenagers do such dumb things lol
Borrowed Dad's circular saw and drill to "convert" several sets of skis to accommodate roller blades so we could all go "skiing" down a neighborhood hill... and ended up "caught" by police after being clocked at over 40 mph in a 20-zone... probably because of the loss of control at the end of said street where it "T-ed" to the state-route with traffic at 45 mph...
Got the BRILLIANT idea to practice for rally racing with our go-karts, but never bothered with anything like "suspension"... so these were the "old school" flat runners... no roll bar, let alone a cage, no shocks, and retuned B&S engines that put out plenty of power to hit 80+ mph... launching them off dunes and dirt-piles seemed great, until we were breaking the rolled steel frames in half... Anyone ever roll a two-seat go-kart without a roll-bar (literally just a frame with sheet-steel and pads for seats with a steering wheel and engine... four wheels... go...??? Yeah, that's not pretty WITH helmets, but this was the 80's and 90's...
Got my legal Motorcycle license at 15... and found out by 17 that the sheriff's office had my name on a board with about 24 others (all boys, btw)... It was a "pool" betting on which ones of us would live long enough to drink alcohol legally...
From where I sit, pretty much ALL the males who reach adulthood to laugh so smugly about Darwin Awards have only LUCK to thank for it. We've all done at least a few thinks that were considerably less than well thought out. We've ALL done at least 2 things stupid enough to have a high probability of instant death and not much anyone could've done... AND we've ALL looked back within about 5 or 10 minutes TOPS at least once in our lives and said "Wow... That was F***IN' DANGEROUS AND STUPID!!!"
The thing is MOST of us live and learn. Sometimes more unscathed than others... AND some take a little more time than others to fully appreciate it... BUT there are a few who just don't... and not because they died the first time around... They just didn't learn to appreciate how lucky those formative moments were, and took the opposite approach. "It's worked so far, so it can't be as dangerous as they say."... AND we get the supposedly "grown-ass adults" earning their awards here and elsewhere... ;o)
That is an excellent example of the kind of things that adults are supposed to protect children against. It's also exactly the class of stupidity that children are OFTEN...but not always...rugged enough to survive if they need to! Thank goodness you didn't meet that hydrant face-first or something, but...yes, your sister should have thought that over and then OVER again when she thought "Oh fine, maybe I should let her do this, surely it'll be okay!"
"...on second thought, what was I just THINKING?! No way! MOM will kill me if I didn't 'kill me' first if anything went wrong!" @.o
For anyone it might help; when I have to REALLY think about something that seems a little dumb to do, if I didn't have an easy decision, my process is then to think about it from the other direction; "If I allow this, what are the FULL list of ways that Mom might need to flay me alive for doing?" Also, "If I allow this, what TRULY can go wrong with this idea? Would I allow my little niece to do the same thing? No? Why not? Does that reason make it maybe not a good idea for others to do? Then let's not do this!"
Also, as a general rule, while it makes my life a bit boring, it also made it so I have never had a TBI or broken bone; If I can't be sure it's a good idea, the default answer is "No."
His child crapping outside is the best tangent Simon has ever gone on.
man that had me rolling
😂 agreed best tangent ever.
He should do an end of year award ceremony. This tangent gets 1st place.
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard as I did abt that
@@angryotter9129'The 2023 Tange-y goes to...'
Speaking of close brushes with death, my gf recently had one. She was driving through Germany on the autobahn in our van. Another driver fell asleep at the wheel and knocked her tail out, causing her to lose control at motorway speeds. Witnesses say the van did two somersaults, tail over nose, before eventually coming to rest astride the outer barrier right way up. Roof caved in, side door lost, half the contents spread out along 50 yards of motorway. Gf walked out with nothing worse than a minor bump on the head and a mark from the seat belt.
Iveco, you build legendarily tough vans.
That's impressive.
Very happy she's okay, but sad for the poor van
The tangent about Simon having to clean up the mess in the garden brought back memories I’d managed to suppress for twenty years.
You were at that restaurant, staring in horror at the scene unfolding before you, with only a thin pane of glass separating you? :P
@@olencone4005🍿🍿🍿
the memeology was definitely on point this episode, good Lord. My ribs can't take much more of this
Really?? I'm not the biggest fan of this editor. Too many show clips, not enough sick memes
I agree, loving not-Sam's edits.
Anytime an editor can slip in Alexander Skarsgaard it's a good time ❤
Simon, the story of your child might have gotten me fired because I laughed out loud so hard! That caught me completely by surprise. It was still worth it. 😂
If anyone has CCTV footage of Simon frantically running back and forth at the restaurant garden with shit on his hands, I'll pay you handsomely, and give you proper credit for the resulting documentary.
Also, the memes and edits on this was next level, excellent work.
Oh damn, I wish I could've found that! I totally would have added it in!
Simon, I think you and your wife are entitled to whip out that story and share it with all of your son's future romantic partners now.
Or save it for the toast at the wedding.
Parents being relaxed enough to tell your partner embarrassing moments like that, because they know it'll be playful and endearing, is how you know you're in a good long-term relationship.
Absolutely, Simon you are now contractually obliged to embarrass the living shit of him whenever he brings a prospective partner home 🤣🤣🤣
@@LucianDevineThat's just evil 😈 I love it 🤣
@@134StormShadow prospective partner? so.... everybody?
and "partner"? you mean girlfriend right? then again, you misused prospective, so i guess you don't know why you're using "partner" either. careful that darwin award is looking good for you.
I love that Simon would use his trousers for TP and then use his shirt as underwear, instead of using his shirt as TP and using his pants as pants.
I think the assumption is that the pants had already been craped in, so might as well use the rest of the pants as tp before getting another item dirty.
Yeah Simon’s solution seems unnecessarily complicated. 😂
I stand by the idea that not wearing shit pants is a bit better
AlexN is spot on, it depends.
•Poopy pants = Now TP, w/ Shirt Skirt.
•Clean Pants = pants stay as pants.
@@GoatPopsiclei love we now have a chart for this
Simon started this video out a little more unhinged than usual. Today is a good day.
That he did. Hopefully just good rest and a lot of caffeine
Unhinged? This is the worst Darwin Awards upload ive ever watched. It's just him talking about instances. No audio, video, pictures or screenshots etc.... Lame
@@koreyhayden1368you obviously don’t watch Simon much. It’s his style sometimes.
@@dfdemt ya and won't watch anymore. Again, what a lame Darwin awards upload
I've had a really stressful few days and I needed that screaming, tears running down my face belly laugh from Simon's story about his son pooping. 🤣
2:50 - Mid roll ads
4:25 - Back to the video
7:05 - Chapter 1 - Tombstoning footballer
9:45 - Chapter 2 - Terminally thristy
10:55 - Chapter 3 - Taking a shit in the woods (with a bear)
17:25 - Chapter 4 - Roadside savage
20:10 - Chapter 5 - The nutcracker
22:45 - Chapter 6 - Eternal rest
Blessed are the timestamp kings.
I appreciate you not including the story about the time you didn't die from doing something stupid.
I started crying, I was laughing so hard when Simon talked about his son taking a dump. 🤣
Ah, the joys of parenthood.
Consider this the request for MORE Darwin Award videos... and keep 'em coming. There used to be a show called 1000 ways to die, it would joke at some of the stupid things people would do that caused their own demise. I miss that show.
@danielmann6772 #1 way was no joke and the most romantic thing I have heard to this day . Involves Japanese couple and virginity, no more spoiler . ❤❤
Loved that show
Great show, less tangents ffs.
Fun fact, you don't have to die to qualify for a Darwin award. If you sterilize yourself doing something stupid, you can qualify as well.
Pan fried squirrel, rabies.
Well, looks like you're going to have to start carrying those little plastic bags that dog owners carry. That story was intense man 😂
A Darwin Award from some years back that always comes to my mind involves two security guards who had just been given new bulletproof vests. The first guard put on his vest and asked the second to help him test it -- so the second guard drew his gun and shot him........ in the head. 🤦♂🤦♂
🤦♀️
Oh nooooo😮
Did it work?
That's not a Darwin Award, but flat out murder!
I just watched a video where they were testing vests on the guy and he got accidentally shot through the arm
I died 3 times at Simon's child taking a grown man shit 😂
I swear to God I've never laughed so hard at Simon before
OMG the editing in this episode is absolutely amazing! Why does it have everything I love in it? Star trek? Supernatural? Lorelei you absolute legendary editor you!
Aw, you're too kind! Thanks!
@@EveryFairyDiesThank you for your work!!
@@EveryFairyDiesyou knocked this episode outta the park Lorelei. Thank you for making this episode awesome.
Thank you for your kind words!@@LaurieAnnCurry
@@EveryFairyDies they’re true
My absolute favorite part of this video is that it's about 20% actual content, with the remaining 80% consisting of Simon going off on tangents and rants. 😅
I think he's going through all the "D" name writers. WHERE"S DANNY? DAVE! GET OUT OF THAT BASEMENT! DON'T EAT THE MUSHROOMS. Kevin is probably safe for now, alphabetically-allegedly.
Watching Simon spontaneously recall his buried memories of the “fake udder” trauma that he experienced in childhood was emotionally powerful, and it explained so much. 😅
Simon: *thinks footy/soccer is the most boring sport*
Me: I raise you... GOLF
Nah have you seen curling?
Curling rocks.
"Golf is a great way to ruin a nice long walk." An oldie but a goodie… possibly from a book of classic dad jokes.
Aaaaaand, if I met a bear in the woods, I would definitely be taking a shite, uncontrollably, with added screaming. Although, as an Aussie if I heard one and spotted it on the ground I'm not going to need to run as fast, if the noise came from above me, well that doesn't even bear thinking about.
Simon probably likes golf tbf
Lorelei is quickly becoming my favourite editor. Sorry Sam, but the Doctor Who and Men in Tights memes are just *chef's kiss*
And the Terry Pratchett references too
Awwwww, I love that people here are getting all my references! Thanks!
@@housellama Pratchett is the MAN, I miss him!
@@EveryFairyDies GNU Terry Pratchett
The Clue reference was the coup de Gras!
One day, someone will ask Simon's kids what their father does for work. They'll reply, he runs multiple educational shows... And also brain blaze
So long as the kids don't manage to talk about his 'Casual Criminalist' list, and his IN DEPTH discussions about the world's worst serial killers, should be all good.
That being said, if one of those teachers happens upon the Golden State Killer, Ed Gein, Ted Bundy, or John Wayne Gacy, they're going to lock him up and throw away the key.
"Please never listen to brain blaze".
"Too late..."
I must confess, the more I hear simon talking about his life as a parent, the happier I am that I don't have any children! 😁
As the father of 2 kids, oh man. No one can teach you what you're about to live with lol. So many stories my wife and I have that are just ridiculous that I can't wait to bring up at my son/daughter's wedding speech :P
Simon is the Nicholas Cage of script readers.
Those statement needs to be memed. Lol I love it. Gave me a legit lol
Pretty sure Nicholas cage is the Nicholas cage of reading scripts. He is an actor…
Don't insult the man
I'd much rather listen to Simon talk about Anything, than Nicholas Cage. No hate, but Simon is awesome.
Cage is a doofus. Whistler is charming and very intelligent. I strongly disagree and don’t understand why you compare the two.
Simon...DUDE... You're KILLIN' me with these... I'm at 19:50. The snake. The motorcycle. The snake...I'm laughing so hard I might break a rib...
At Walmart we had people returning carbon monoxide detectors because they kept going off.
😫😫😫why are people? Just why? Oh well those ones are probably dead now!😏😏😏🤣
The key is to replace the faulty boiler.
Not the carbon monoxide detector.
WTAF!!!
If there actually broken...
No cos people kept cutting cheese?
Simon making the noise for the Geiger Counter absolutely sent me. 🗣
40 seconds in and i'm thinking that can is not the only coke Simon has consumed during the making of this video
7:33 One of the most well-known people who skipped this part is Adam Savage (of Myth Busters), who nearly died in a swimming accident as a teenager. On his 18th birthday he broke his neck, when he jumped head-on into a rock. He survived without suffering long-term consequences. (He talks about this in a UA-cam video "Ask Adam Savage: How I Broke My Neck".) It just goes to show that even the smartest people sometimes do very stupid things, especially while they're young.
Your writers rock! Thanks Dave!
And screw the guy that stole his laptop.
And editors.
The comedy bounces from player to player.
Patrick McManus, a US comedy writer, told a hilarious story about going deer hunting as a youth, getting a deer, and strapping it behind him on his bicycle to go home, and the deer was only mostly dead. the ensuing chaos is hysterical
Dave! The bear segment REALLY should have been titled "Winnie and the Poo."
Oh *no!* The *pain!*
And the worst part of that story is it happened in *India.* That means it was a *sloth bear.* Those things are basically plus-sized honey badgers.
"I have had it with these Monday to Friday snakes"
I totally forgot about this TV edit of Samuel L Jackson, made my night.
While not specifically qualifying for a Darwin Award, man have I got a short tale to tell y'all. It's about one of my closest friends, going on nearly 25 years now. He's a few years younger than me. And I'm pretty sure I'd left the Army and was just starting college at the time.
Anyhow. Dude finally managed to wrangle his way into the Marine Corps, shortly after he graduated. Had a *bit* of prior legal trouble that hindered that path, but nothing serious. So, he finishes boot and gets to his first duty station. Camp Pendleton, in SoCal (for those not familiar with US geography). After only a month or so in, I get a phone call from him. Figured it was the usual checking in and catching up. But naw.
He goes on to explain that over the course of that weekend, he decided to hit some local bars. One thing leads to the next, and he's now 3 sheets to the wind. A few hours later, and he finds himself in a bar. In Tijuana, Mexico. A whole 70 miles (112 km) away from post. The sun starts to rise, and he begins panicking.
So, what did he decide to do?
If you guessed he'd strike out on his own, wandering around until he found a border fence, hop that fence, then almost immediately get picked up by Border Patrol? Then you guessed correctly.
LMAO, the commander of the Navy nuke school in Orlando in the mid 90's was a total lush. Dude was so plastered constantly that he even got arrested once while drunk in a mismatched uniform. 😂
Simon's child pooping outside will now be my favorite tangent as of yet. Didnt expect to laugh this hard, but me and my sister ended up on the floor in tears😂.
Simon. You have kids, carry wet wipes and Clorox wipes everywhere you go, every time you go, always.
Edit: I posted before the story about your son, and I rest my case. Lmao
15:55 CELEBRITY MOMENT: "Hey, there's Simon. Hi SIMON, I am your biggest FAN!" It was very sad, Simon refused to shake my hand....
My almost award moment was when I was walking down a street, and (yes I was such a geek) reading a paperback as I did so, not noticing anything till I hear a LOUD blasting horn from my right and turn my head and look into the front of a slowly (thank goodness) moving freight train about 20 feet from hitting me as I cross the track, after that I stopped reading as I walked and always kept my head on a swivel to stay alert!
I love the use of Nac Mac Feegle! Idk who the editor is, but they are now officially my favorite UA-cam editor!
Fav UA-camr - Simon
Fav UA-cam writer - Ilsa
Fav UA-cam editor - this guy/gal
Seriously, anytime you can sneak in a Pratchett reference you make me smile, thank you :D
I can't describe how much I enjoy Simon reacting to his scripts as he reads them. Anywhere else it'd be borderline unprofessional, but he's hilarious.
A+ job with the memes this episode lol.
Special kudos for using the "Red Dwarf" clip of Rimmer kicking Death in the nads and booking it xD
It's gotta be my favourite scene in all of Red Dwarf and I was so happy to have an opportunity to include it! Thanks!
I’m more concerned that Dave is blind and assisting with chainsaws.
*sigh* We use all kinds of things safely. Chainsaws, tablesaws, etc. You can definitely use pretty much any tool safely. Source: am blind and used all kinds of sharp pointy things that make loud noises...
@@NoBWB I applaud you for that, I have full sight and am confident I would somehow lose a limb while operating one
i was laughing so hard i lost count of the 💩 count on the screen. actual tears 🤣 this is my favorite tangent I think Simon has ever had!!
I can't imagine a world without Simon's blazing antics
Between your kids poop story and the amazing editing in this episode, this has been one of my favorite episodes!
It's so hard to edit when you're cracking up laughing, but I think I did it justice!
A friend of mine accidentally took a big swig of gas/oil mix after mistaking it for his drink. If that wasn't bad enough, he immediately spat it out in a massive spray… right at a camp fire. Soooo yeah, he went to the ER.
Can we have more "Drinking Games" sprinkled into random videos in the future? Had just sat down w/ a drink in my hand when that prompt appeared lol 🤪🥴
Oh, I intend to keep them coming!
This episode includes Simon's Most Epic Tangent. Open a keg of beer before watching. You have been forwarded.
As editor, I take no responsibility for any ill effects experienced while drinking with Poopy!
14:08 - My child-free friends would think that you're exaggerating that story. I and the other parents know that, no, that's a perfectly reasonable story and likely happened. Most of us started parenting wearing, like, elbow-length rubber gloves for diaper changes, and within a year or so are one step shy of just hosing the kid off in the backyard ("back garden" for the non-Americans). One of the best lessons my dad passed down to me was, "Skin washes, just get it done."
I'll never forget having to change my kid on the floor of a restaurant's men's room because they didn't think that men had to care for kids and didn't even have counter space; so glad I packed a changing pad to lay the kid down on, so they weren't on the cold tile floor. I should've just changed the kid on the table nearest the bathroom to make the point. It's one of the few times in my life I ever actually spoke to the manager/owner with a recommendation/complaint.
I think Simon should do a Brain Blaze-like channel focusing on strange, wacky, and absurd facts, people, and events from history like Terrare, the 1904 Olympic Marathon, the 1905 Russian Baltic Fleet, and Daniel Dancer.
You mean like “Today I found out about…”, “Decoding the unknown”, “Top Tens”, “Mega Projects” and “Side Projects”? And I’m fairly sure I’ve missed some channels.
@@danielriley7380 Those lean towards the more serious side of the spectrum, minus Decoding the Unknown, rather than the comedic, meme filled, off the wall antics of Brain Blaze.
The 1904 Olympics is a wild story. If you don’t follow the podcast called The Dollop, their episode in the 1904 Olympics is one of the funniest things I have ever heard 😂😂😂
@@RacerC45 Mega Projects? Seriously? He absolutely rips the shit out of North Korea and the UAE for some of their most disastrous ideas.
10:50 Totally read that as "Taking a shit in the woods (with a beard)".
And thought "oh, Simon's going to have one hell of a tangent here".
This episode contains one of Simon's most insane tangents ever
Life insurance that will cover your funeral is a minimum that you can do for your family. Take it from someone who had to flip the bill on a funeral, it is worth getting the insurance. Many banks now offer it as a free bonus with your account
Hell yes!! I've been watching non-stop brain Blaze since it's one of the few things that makes me laugh and eases my extremely bad depression. Whoo who let's go!!!!
My best friend chose to go into law enforcement as a career. She was the magnificent height of 4'10", which is key.
Anyway, in her training for yhis career, one of her classes for firearms and targeting. And keep on mind the standard targets they used were silhouette targets, male, abt 6 ft in height.
Training 1 day was lineof sight shooting, which is holding the gun with both hands in frint of you, arms straight.
After my friend ket off her rounds and her target was inspected, all her MALE classmates goraned, grabbed their crotches, and doubled over.
Her instructor told her: "You may never kill anyone in the line of duty, but you'll sure disable them for life."
In retrospect i had so many brushes with death as a kid it's pretty crazy i made it to the ripe old sge of 50! Probably the most random was when my brother dropped an old Coke bottle on the driveway and a shard of it flew off and severed my femoral artery at the ankle. Had my mother not tourniqueted me properly i would not be here! I had to have transfusions as well and since then i have always been a blood donor.
This isn’t a Darwin Award, but it is a brush with death. I once lost control going down an icy hill and spun out more than 360deg into traffic on a divided highway. I ended up with my back tires in the median and my car about 45deg to the road, heading in the correct direction.
There are two men in my town that have become urban legends, but I have met them both and can tell you for sure they really do exist. One was cycling on a hot day with a sheet of LSD on his back. He OD’d and now believes he is a peach tree. He lives in a long-term care facility. The other stuck his arm into the cage of a lion at a now defunct zoo and the lion ate it. He now uses a prosthetic and has a great story about what not to do when you’re drunk!
Did the incident where a lion ate a patron's arm have anything to do with the zoo becoming defunct?
Funny that your peach tree story seems like a rehash of the story of a guy who stuck 100 sheets to his stomach and then go sweaty at border control and then eventually believed he was an orange.
That story is just another spin on heaps of "I believed I was an orange" story.
And it seems that your story is another spin, using peach tree instead of Oranges.
You say you've met the guy, what kind of conversation did you have with him, and what did he say?
“I thought what I was carrying was wet wipes, but it’s like kitchen wipes, and they’re really sore on my arse!”
Ad: “Your skin is thirsty!”
HAHAHA those eggplants, damn the editing was brilliant for this one, thanks a lot to Lorelei for some nice bursts of laughter!
You're welcome! It's a cheap joke and I love it!
I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD FROM A UA-cam VIDEO BEFORE😂😂😂
Bravo bravo whilser boi
I don't know if you've heard, Simon, but the position we take sitting on the toilet is extremely unconducive to pooping. We evolved to squat, and that position kind of stretches out some ligaments and opens up some spaces and makes everything go a whole lot smoother. It's why you get people selling you little footstools to put your feet on while pooping on the toilet.
Your son felt he had to poop, but he had trouble actually getting it out while sitting on the toilet, likely because it was so big. Then you had him squat, and, well... all of a sudden the whole thing became a lot easier on him.
My ex husbands uncle got a Darwin Award. He’d been a hunter since he was a teenager, group of family men trudged of to play deer camp. They had a few beers before they headed out. Uncle loaded his gun and took the safety off. While they are marching up and down a ravine. The group comes to a barbed wire fence the men are carefully holding the wire open for each other and holding each others guns. The uncle was the last to come to the fence. Everyone made fun of him and started off without him. He puts the rifle on the ground under the fence and he climbed through and then he grabbed the barrel and pulled the gun toward him. Of course the trigger got stuck on a rock and it pulled the trigger. Blew his head off in front of most of the male members of his family, including his teenage son
Hearing that tangent about your kid defecating makes me even more sure that my vasectomy next week is the right idea 😂
O.m.g who does the editing. I spat my frosties all over the place 😂😂
When I was 7, I was rollerskating at a friends house, and we were trying to speed down the driveway and across the street as far and fast as possible. The street was paved with asphalt so you would slow quickly, so you needed a lot of speed to make it across without pushing off to keep going. This was a enclosed neighborhood, with little traffic and we could see down the street easily, so it was not a horrible or stupid thing, please note that.
I looked, saw no cars so I really worked up some speed down this steep driveway, but sure enough as I came into the street, a car suddenly was there and hit me... well we hit each other, I slammed into his front fender on the passenger side. I was going so fast luckily, that I dented the car a bit but I bounced off and even somehow kept to my feet, somehow ending up leaning on a parked car.
The guy barely paused, saw I was standing and took off. meanwhile the entire street's inhabitants run out and force me to lay on a lawn, checking me for injuries. I was a little dizzy but not concussed, and I had no broken bones at all. I was winded and was sore already, but I was basically fine.
Seems the adults knew who had hit me and called the cops on the man for his hit and run... My family took me to my normal doctor to be checked out and things were quiet for a bit...
Until that guy tried to sue my family for the damage to his car, the dent made by my 7 year old self hitting his speeding car!
Now, needless to say, I am unaware if he was arrested for the hit and run, I was a child, so... But when he tried to sue for damages, he became VERY unpopular in the neighborhood! I do know that the court tossed his suit out before my family could even have to go in to hear about it... Later I was told that his car was smashed to bits by some unknown people, and he could do nothing about it, and thus moved away within a few months of his failed lawsuit.
I survived being hit by a car! So the idea we had was sorta stupid, but really, how could that man think he could sue for damages made by his hitting a little girl!?
I'd say he gets an Honorable mention Darwin Award, because he certainly was too inept and stupid to contribute to the gene pool. [I do know he was divorced, and had no kids at that time, and this was the mid to late 70's...]
Don't do dumb stunts kids!
So i resently invested in some quality headphones.... i am starting to understand what his editor is complaining about every time Simon torches his desk it sound like i am in of Jurassic park
The restaurant story is the reason im watching this channel 😂👍
Great work again Simon, and please keep the personal anecdote coming ❤
Omg! I was not expecting the Lucifer reference, but I loved it!!
Oh my god what comedic gold this is. Watched 2 stand up comics vefore thid and didn't laugh as hard. The editor(s) need a massive raise. Those doctor who clips were spot on and gems! Please make another, longer and fast please!!
I’ve been binging Doctor Who in anticipation of the 60th anniversary special and I guess it spilled over in BB! Ah well, nobody seems to be complaining! Thanks!
Please unironically get life insurance - 10-15x your income. I've known too many people who have died young leaving behind a family and small children. Simon is a legend for partnering with Policy Genius.
Simons son taking a shit was the best story in this video and it wasn't part of the story
Because of the first story I want to write about something that happened in My life. It was not Darwin Award worthy however is relevant to cliff Jumping safety. My little brother a friend and I were swimming at an abandoned Marble Quarry as there was a fairly large pool of water there, Alongside a cliff about 15-20m in height. My little brother wanted to jump and I wasn't going in the water as this was our first time there and wanted to be sure of the water quality as I have a sensitive stomach.
So I asked my friend to check to make sure there were no dangerous rocks in the water as he was swimming there. He signaled my little brother that it was clear and my little brother jumped and was fine. HOWEVER, the important part here is that friend that I had lied and later told me he didn't actually check. Having realised how much danger he put my little brother in without checking I nearly killed him, but I held myself back and as soon as I was able I stopped being friends with him.
I checked the water after myself and there was a dangerous rock that if my little brother landed on, it would have killed him so I designated exactly where to jump for everyone that wanted to do so. No one got hurt, but I will never forget such a betrayal of trust, always check beforehand ad doubly so even if someone you know did.
That drinking game was a terrible idea, Sam, I'm now beyond buzzed and I've got to go to the office tomorrow 😂
Edit: just read the ending properly. Lorelei! This is *your* fault, not his! 😅
When I was a kid my family went to Story Land in New Hampshire. They had a similar "cow" that you could "milk". One of the teats was missing and had a constant stream of water coming out.
If Lorelei's editing has hundreds of fans, I am one of them. If Lorelei's editing has one fan, it is me. If Lorelei's editing has no fans, I am dead.
☺☺ Oh, wow, thank you so much! It seems I've grown on a few people, if the comments are anything to go by, and you're all so wonderfully sweet and supportive. This is the best job I've ever had. ❤🤘
My favorite Darwin Award was for the guy who got in a spitting contest from the balcony twenty stories up in a high rise. Genius decided to run at the railing at full speed and then spit. Instant Darwin Award. Well not instant, he had a few seconds of regret.
Come for the videos, stay for Simon’s ramblings
😅No more guns!.. "Yeah alright then that seems fair enough"😂
Unfortunately the footballer that jumped of the cliff in Mallorca (I live here) didn't die from hitting the cliffs. He died from drowning because he could not swim with broken bones. Terrible.
Best video in a long time, Darwin Awards plus Life Insurance sponsor, and then Red Dwarf and Star Trek clips, EPIC!
I always found Darwin awards hilarious until my brother claimed one .
Somewhat ironically , it was he who introduced me to their existence . He was a big fan .
😢
sorry about your brother man. but at least whenever you think about him, you get a chuckle with a tear in your eye! that's a sellable meme shot all on its own!
My sister is a scientist working in a very unique nature reserve. When they find rattle snakes too close to their facilities they capture them and put them in a bucket to transport them far out into the reserve. As the reserve is very hot and dry, and their facilities are a water source, some days they will get a good amount of rattlers. One day, when the bucket was rather full of angry snakes, one of her colleagues took the bucket in the utility vehicle, to get rid of them. When he made it to the dumping off zone, he noticed that although he set out with five snakes only four were accounted for. One of the snakes had scurried away and was hiding out in the vehicle somewhere. They never seemed to find it but just accepted that perhaps they were driving with a venomous snake holed up in the open undersides of the seat was now just a fact of life.
I love that more comments are about Simon’s kid’s poop incident than they are the Darwin awards 😂
My sister jumped off of a bridge with some random people because it “ looked like fun”
The rope was too long and she hit the water harder than she was supposed to. The guys pulled her up, grabbed their gear and took off.
She had six broken ribs and a fear of anything involving spontaneous stupidity. 😂
Sounds like another story of mum being right. If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you too?
Can't even blame the python. It was just living its life 😂
I adopted a ten-foot Burmese python but failed to bring a snake sack for the trip home. Halfway home I had to pull off the road and wrestle my new living seatbelt off of me. The python had wrapped firmly around both me and My headrest. Fun times!
Speaking of milking as a young boy jimmy saville fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfold 😂
Other Dave sounds like the lad you agree to go out for a pint with and end up curled up on couch beside a "Road Ahead Closed" sign, in a crackden 4 days later, jobless, single and homeless... But worth every second of it! 😂
The editor sprinkling in supernatural memes in these makes me happy 😂
Luckily, they have a gif for everything! 😂
loving all the doctor who reactions! you're speaking my language :)
BRING ON THE 60TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL!!!!
Terrific episode, and the editing was amazing.
Thank you, and glad you enjoyed it! Dave's such a good writer, eh?
The restaurant garden poop story will be remembered as one of the greatest Brain Blaze tangents of all time. I wish I could give Simon a standing ovation for that one. Actually, if I ever see him in the real world I will. I'll stand up, clap as loud as I can, and simply chant "Poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop!" And he definitely won't remember the context by then.
That poo story has to be the funniest bit in any video I’ve ever seen Simon make