Emotional Dysregulation: What It Is, How to Stop It
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- Опубліковано 26 сер 2024
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"Feeling your feelings" is supposed to be a goal of healing. But with CPTSD, your emotions aren’t always a good thing -- sometimes they are really *emotional dysregulation" -- an overreaction, with your feelings overwhelming your perception, making you feel WORSE, and potentially harming your relationships. What can you do to calm intense emotions BEFORE they damage your life? In this video I'll explain what emotional dysregulation feels like, with practical tips to bring it emotions back down to size.
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I have c-ptsd and cannot afford therapy and I have to say that your Channel has helped me not only understand but process it better than I ever have. Thank you for putting this up and out there. I would say you have no idea how much it helps but I have a sneaking feeling you know exactly how much it helps.
She does, we are so glad you are feeling supported!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me also. Eckhart Tolle the power of now bhas helped me immensely. Sending you love and light 💞
So appreciated here too, thank you. 🦋
Be well Candice! It does get better
ditto
For years, I thought of the experience of dysregulation as being like driving a malfunctioning car. You know how to drive, you have no intention of driving badly - but you lightly step on the gas & the horn honks or the steering wheel is unresponsive or _too_ responsive or the car vrooms forward or doesn't move at all or reverses and hits a pole. A life of no control.
But you still have a life to live - so you keep going & you use all your strength to stay on the road. Recovering from yesterday's auto injuries while incurring fresh ones. But you keep going, gripping the wheel.
Interesting perspective ;)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love your analogy @HPMcQueen! I've replaced some parts but sometimes it still veers off the road. Gotta practice steering into the skid some more!
I like it!
This makes so much sense to me. And I'm so sad that it really resonates.
Im just learning about it because my husband has it. It reminds me of having PMS as a teenager. It takes a while for a young woman to learn to manage that "out of control/crazy bi---" mood. Some never learn.
When I’m overwhelmed, I sometimes say, “I need a moment”. I didn’t know what I meant the first time I said it, but it gave every body space and I was able to process what was going on inside and respond to the situation rather than react to it.
Perfection!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yep my daughter one time sent a timer ,climbed under the table and "go away till beep. " It was so simple and worked so well. I said "ok you take 5. " Then I used it myself and she understood perfectly.
Excellent
Thank you for that advice.❤
@squarepeg418 oh that's something I needed to learn all my life
I've been overreacting for 50 years and I'm not bragging about that at all.
Coherent breathing anytime a difficult emotional wave hits. 2 minutes and you're a different person. A life saver.
So true! Thanks for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
Going flat emotionally-this happens to me all the time. I “go autistic” on people instead of confronting people
What does this mean? I think I might relate
God damn me too- lately that’s me whenever I feel anxious now. 🤦🏻♀️
I sympathise.
I get this! I used to do that as well. It's a conditioned response, same thing I did when the abuse happened. I feel it was a protective mechanism back then but it doesn't serve us well as adults because it relives the whole feeling that we can't cope & fear for our sanity & well-being. It WAS a coping mechanism that saved us back then but NOT now. Hopefully, confrontation doesn't equal fear for your life anymore. Still scary af though & must be practiced. Best of luck to you 💙
@@katiekane5247 Full disclosure, I don’t know what caused it in me, but everything Fairy describes fits my situation so perfectly. I have crippling fear of confrontation and I never lose my cool anymore. So for me it’s best to speak my mind as quickly and clearly as possible-it actually quashes confrontations, since people quickly can see where I stand
In my recovery program, they say “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” … wisdom 💕
words to live by
💚💚💚
This is very profound.
What exactly does that mean?
I wish I would've seen these videos BEFORE I ruined my relationship last month with a series of emotional outbursts, controlling behaviours and victim mentality, but seeing them now has helped me enormously to recover from that imminent breakup. Thank you so much for your wisdom
hahahahahaha DUDE I saw these two days after getting blocked by my ex bc we both were circling around bc of these patterns I was havign :/
Luckily I am getting over it now a few months later and could come back to this video to regulate myself today about some other thing.
Where do we draw the line between me being dyresgulated and the person actually being abusive
That’s my problem now
Cause i have cptsd from a narcissistic abused relationship and i feel like everytime i meet someone and that person does something similar for ex, doesn’t answer for a day , i get very stressed and either i say something and scared them away or i just lose interest
You know what? The fact that you are able to see this in yourself and take responsibility is a tribute to your character. Many people have a very hard time doing so. Remember that when you are feeling bad about slipping up.
Literally 26 hours ago for me. Good lord I ruined something wonderful.
ugh, same. But at least I learned something out of it
"Being stood up, it's not cool, but what you're feeling is WAAAY out of proportion to what's really going on..." Thank you for this pointer!
Key point you picked up on there :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have such a hard time with black and white thinking in these situations. "Well if I keep letting them get away with treating me like this, aren't I being a doormat?" And just feel it's best to end things to be safe. Balance is SO HARD.
I recognise that
Ugh this is so me.
This my gf too a tee, problem is you'll end up with nothing or nobody..Its actually getting worse amd worse after 3 years..
@@baldersn4474 hopefully she can work through these issues. I've learned that nobody really cares to lose me, so although it may be lonely it's better than not being valued by the people who surround me
Fax
I finally realized I need to sit with my sensations, not intellectualize them which makes me feel what I call disquiet. For me the rumination is when I get disregulated.
That's the case for me too. Sometimes revisiting those moments will bring back all those strong emotions
There is a big difference between feeling your feelings and acting upon them. If you feel them, understand where they are coming from (I.e) PTSD/trauma and take yourself off to allow them to pass through you they will in time ease and move on.
Feelings must always be felt, just not always reacted to and not always in that moment.
I agree with this. Simultaneously feeling my feelings authentically (rather than suppressing or downplaying them) and taking a cool-down period to observe my feelings has helped me to be more consciously assertive rather than reactive.
Feeling the feelings as they are is key to healing, especially when either you or others have a long history of denying and devaluing your emotional experience for the sake of maintaining a false narrative.
I agree with this and the comments below. The title I dont agree with cuz feelings are always valid and always be felt but some of the tips are good on moving through the reaction and then responding. The title just threw me off, I was like 👀
@@80islandia Absolutely agree, 100%. There's no NOT feeling our feelings unless we go numb or pretend, which both lead to worse issues like addiction and violence and suicide. We can't heal what we don't allow ourselves to feel.
very very well put.
I agree, emotions are a felt reaction in the body’s physiology/brain. I’m not sure we have the choice to feel them or not. They’re there, they’re happening and I guess, like you said, with practice we will have a bigger gap between strong emotion and behaviour.
My parents were masters of the behavior you described. They fought incessantly. You brought to mind a specific moment where they’d had a fight the night before. Next morning dad had already left for work as we get ready to leave for school. Mom is in the bedroom calming packing her bags. I was the oldest by 14 months but I had already figured out she wasn’t going anywhere. But, my middle sister would freak out and find me between classes to make me go with her to the pay phone to call home and make sure mom answered. That’s the tip of the iceberg. He hid his drinking (maybe that’s what they fought about) and was often violent. She went from being passive and pouting to raging back at him. They stayed together 61 years and died 4 months apart 2016-17. Talk about being disregulated. Remembering this helps me with perspective!
You've just saved my life. I wasn't aware of disregulation before. As a teacher, it is really important for me to regulate my emotions. I get triggered all the time by challenging students. Many thanks for your help.
The key is to actually acknowledge that we’re disregulated!! That’s 90% of the work...
It's a big deal!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I went on a trip to Italy in April. It was such a lovely experience with great people. I CRIED THE ENTIRE TIME! I couldn’t figure out what I was crying about. I would go to the bathroom, take a nap, wake up in the morning, etc., and vow not to cry anymore. Didn’t matter. I kept crying at every meal, every excursion, it was ridiculous. I don’t know why I was triggered other than I found nice people and I was used to mean people.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us! The Daily Practice is a good tool to help sort out things like this. You can try it here if you’re interested, it's a free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
It is really hard to accept that we can be emotionally abusive ourselves because we have been at the receiving end of it
Hurt people hurt people.
I always was called a drama queen by my friends and I don't feel at all like this. I always felt like I had very very strong feelings and was often extremely disappointed. Now it is all in its frame and you helped me arrive here
Find new friends who accept you as you are, including your dramas. At the same time, practice calming down at all cost. Meditation does it. So whenever the emotions come raging, you are able to separate yourself from them. Avoid reacting or taking sides. Just be still and watch the wave subside. The emotions weren't even you, but just a chip living inside your 'program.' 😊
I am an activist in Australia, and emotional dysregulation is ubiquitous, and underpinns so many issues, especially domestic violence. Instead of raising awareness to minimize fallout, it is swept under the carpet because of what is says about our society, and government of ratbags that seeks to shirk their social responsibility. I consider it nothing short of a crime against humanity.
Thank you for making this info available, I have never heard of this approach in dealing with emotional regulation, and will be forwarding this to the may people I know that struggle with this problem and hope it can help them XX
But sometimes we are with or dealing with emotionally abusive people that purposefully “forget” about us or just don’t care about us to remember. We should not be the only ones needing to be more emotionally mature.
Yes, I understand this. I have this issue and my partner was abusive; it was a very bad situation.
@Jenny_Lynn but we only have sovereignty over ourselves, it doesn't mean we are doormats tho :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So true
This is outstanding. Worth listening to several times. People with CPTSD often let words in one ear and out of the other without gleaning the powerful meaning that has been conveyed.
The wisdom and skill imparted by The Crappy Childhood Fairy is accurate and therapeutic.
Appreciate those kind words :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love the daily practice...been doing it almost a year now. When I'm super angry about legitimate horrors, I burn the resentment list to help release it. It works. Been doing THAT for 20 years, called them hate letters in the past. They weren't enough alone, your practice is so much more effective. But the burning part for extreme rage at what was done to me and my life is really effective along with your practice. Thank you so much.
What great advice and great testimony!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, Cara!
@My Art Junk It's satisfying and a good way to release the garbage we don't want to hold onto...works so well along with the daily practice! I have a very old unsent letter to my former husband. You just gave me the idea it is time to let it go. I will burn it. Thanks for the thoughtful response!
I want those sweet connections more than anything in the world!!
I know you do, keep at it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
❤me as well
Keep trying, you're worth it!
Me too.
Me too
I have to say this was a the last piece of my puzzle to finally finding peace after a journey i started 20 years ago. I started getting interested in psychology after years of abuse by my narc mom. I had many wounds but emotional disregulation was the worst wound i had in terms of pure destruction of my life and relqtionships. Thank you i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel
I wish I would have found you 6 months ago. After 15 years of marriage I found out too late what is going on with me and I ruined my marriage to the person I thought was the love of my life and couldn't understand why she would just walk away from the one person that stayed by her side through all she had been dealing with. My rage would explode from out of nowhere or at least that's what she saw. She wasn't able to see how much I was dealing with on the inside. When I finally asked her to help me find out what was wrong she stood up , & without looking up from her phone said, " get some help" & walked out on me. I now know that I was the problem.There's alot more to it than what I've written, but it was the last straw
So sorry. I'm so glad you are connected to information that might help!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I was exposed to so much as a child from being sexually molested, seeing a family friend get shot point blank with a shotgun, another friend hit & killed by a drunk driver, physical, emotional, psychological abuse, separation anxiety due to being abandoned by my DNA doner in my 1st year of life, and then again by both parents when I was 14.
My soon to be ex was /is dealing with several disorders that I wasn't aware of going into the marriage. She would frequently wake me up in the middle of the night punching me in the face asking if I even wanted to be with her even though I was in bed with her. Then she would disappear for a few days with no explanation of where or with who. Then came the announcement that for my 50th birthday that she was pregnant. That ended up being a still birth. I was devastated. Fast forward 10 years & I find out it never happened. But for 10 years I was verbally attacked for "forgetting his birthday!"! And through all of this I didn't know that my explosive temper & outbursts of rage could be due to everything that I have been through or that I can control it
I wish your channel had been available 30 years ago. An hour of listening to your help and advice would have saved me countless wasted hours and thousands of dollars spent on "talk therapy". So glad to have found your channel. Thank you.
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I want to say thank you for your videos. Your content has really been helping me! :) My challenge is getting triggered at work. I find my brain spiraling, but instead of being able to stop, all I want to do in that moment is tell other people about the situation. My brain wants confirmation that what I'm feeling is justified, but even if one person 'hears' me, it doesn't pull me out of the triggered state. After the wave is over, I end up feeling like an immature child who didn't have emotional control over my state of mind.
Same here friend.
This explains what I went through this past week to a T
Perfect.
"Feeling" those emotions, especially talking about them just throws us back into the soup...and we end up adding more ingredients!
I have hand written almost 400 pages, processing my own grief and episodes of dysregulation, and it is far more stabilizing than talk and feel methods.
Great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, stop feeling your feelings for a moment and write them down instead. You'll find it helps a lot.
Wow! Just learning all about childhood trauma, I blamed it all on anxiety and this helps me break it down and identify what’s going on inside my body. Thank you so much❤
This is so powerful. I've gotten MUCH better as I get older, but just the other day my best friend made a mistake that cost me money, and wasn't really owning that mistake. But I didn't yet hear their side of the story. I was SO angry, and then when they told me what happened, it was clear it wasn't their fault. But I was still SO angry. He hung up on me. Which then triggered abandonment. Fortunately I caught my over-reaction (from years of recognizing my patterns) and texted an apology, and he reciprocated and we sorted it out (I'm lucky to have understanding friends). But when that airplane takes off... it's so hard to know what to do. It feels like that energy has to go somewhere, even after you realize there's nothing to be emotional about. I'm getting better, but the ideal is me regulating my feelings before they get out of control.
This actually reminds me of my childhood. My mom overreacted a lot and threatened to leave every single time. And I remember I did the same once in a toxic friendship...
I'm nearly 50 with CPTSD since forever, I don't know anything else. I started reading "The Chimp Paradox" and it's been a very helpful model to see what's going on and attempt to deal with it!
Sadly, the "Chimp" in all of us interprets the stimulus a split second before "we" do but by trying to follow the instructions, you can calm things. However, the method with this is to allow the Chimp to "exercise" by letting it be until it runs out of steam, which it always does.
I think your video was quite similar to what the book says, all your videos are great, thank you 😊
I feel like I always need to express myself all the time. This was very helpful. I think that the longer we express ourselves at bad times, the longer we stay dis regulated
I'm thinking about writing a book about all of the traumas I have dealt with in my life...
@Thomas Barnard, I've been thinking the same thing. Some of these Trauma's go back to the early 1950's and before that time.
Me too. People have told me I should write a book
@@gmm6106 absolutely knowing what we know that people who stood in front of everybody making them believe they were great or believe they belonged on a pedestal.
Me too
Collaboration maybe? So many of us, a collection of short stories might really work!
I do not agree with this. In my experience of long term healing from c-ptsd, and from what I have read and researched. We need to actually practice properly feeling everything in order to heal. Not distract or surpress further. No, our reactions are not "appropriate" for an adult most of the time. But they were once upon a time, when most of us weren't allowed to express ourselves. I would say, practicing some form of impulse control is good, like making it routine to step aside from a situation whenever it feels overwhelming. Understanding and accepting that we are dysregulated- yes. But we need to safely feel/express how we are feeling too. Otherwise all of this will remain in our system, making us sick instead. Journalling, reading, meditation, all of this are great tools for better self-knowing, understanding how and why things happen inside ourselves and around us. But through relaxation practices and deep breathing, eventually things need to be released as well. The anger and despair etc has to do with our childhoods, its from a long time ago. But until we properly connect the now with these "old feelings", we will not FULLY and authentically be able to comprehend how the present connects to the past. How we "create" or end up in these different scenarios that cause more chaos and trauma. Like, if you keep going back to an abusive person, or someone who just does not treat you right. Or if you mistreat yourself in any way (lack of self care, boundaries etc), yes you will break down emotionally eventually. These are all signs, everything going on inside are keys to help us understand what is happening and why. Pete Walker talks about this in his book all the time, that in order to heal properly we must GRIEVE what happened to us. And to be able to grieve we must stop what we are doing, go within, and look at what is happening in there. What are we actually feeling in any given moment- and why? Without the self blame and with more self-compassion. I find these videos useful sometimes, like helpful life advice and so on. But how can we even apply this kind of advice if we do not come from an authentic place of knowing what is best for us? The very thing we disconnected from that caused our c-ptsd? Healing is about fully reconnecting to our core. And by that, we must feel our emotions. Feeling is different from reacting. This is the thing we need to learn. And not by being told, yet again, that we are doing something wrong. But by gently guiding ourselves to fully feel and not just react in the moment. And when we are able to feel, we are able to cry. And crying for the right reasons is truly healing.
Wow yeah I agree with you 100% I’m 23 and been thru hell and back bipolar 2 ptsd etc . And what I learned is just keep pushing even when I made “wrong decisions “ when time moves forward I see that everything worked for my good or will work for my good. And if not, it taught me a lesson. 😅
💯
OMG this feels like such a magic secret. I'm all about expressing feelings but I'm also very emotionally volatile. I think I may have BPD (caused by cptsd) because my feelings can be so intense. I've recently noticed when I feel offended by someones words or behaviour, thinking about the situation in that moment causes me to become even more angry and keeps me in that space for longer which makes me blow up and scream and say things that I later regret.
I find that when someone has done something wrong to me, I am the one having to say sorry because my reaction was over the top.
its this reason which is keeping me from wanting to form new relationships because I don't want to be the angry dragon and make others feel bad.
I've read a lot of self help books but never really came across this term. So interesting.
It is a magic secret (than Anna tries to share with everyone)😀
-Cara@TeamFairy
emotionally volatile, yeah thats sounds about right.
@@tomjames7713 its horrible to experience isn't it?
"Don't feel your feelings."
...That sounds great.
It is!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sounds like the adult child syndrome/ role Don't talk, Don't touch, Don't Feel, when both parents are Zombies.
I met someone in inpatient care who told me "let the energy (feelings) flow through you, not with you." I think this is what the idea of not feeling is getting at. Of course it's detrimental to block all of your feelings, but you can redirect it and change your thought process instead of letting it be at the forefront of your mind. You can validate yourself without letting your feelings get away from you :)
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It's really not. Emotions make us human. It's one thing to get dysregulated, but feelings/emotions shouldn't be denied, it can lead to dissociation. This is nuanced and not just a black or white, feel feelings or don't. There's an in between.
@@wordivore maybe what she just means is to practice responding and not reacting and in order to do that to find ways to manage your feelings/emotions so that it doesn't get out of hand?
I love how you bring up hard exercise to loosen the stress and get it all out. I was an avid cross fitter before covid hit. When everything shut down I was a mess. Now I’m learning more about my traumas and doing your daily practice. I also mind dump whenever I need to. I find getting to know myself and understanding my triggers has helped a lot. Better yet giving myself permission to simply not do things I don’t want to do or be around certain people. Honoring my own peace and space so I can have energy to handle other stressful situations and people.
Yay! I'm so glad to hear that the Daily Practice is helping you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m suffering like hell because so many days I don’t have the energy to exercise and I refuse to take evening caffeine because my sleep has been so bad for years but exercise is my savior for wine and I don’t know if it’s not wine or food or exercise and sleeping pills or something to shut it down because I’m in such pain
I have ptsd and I've found there is a difference between retreating and feeling the trigger and projecting it on someone else. I've found dealing with the trigger myself without projecting the emotion onto someone else which as you said amplifies the trigger and keeps it going. But when I retreat and let my feelings flow on my own it helps me recognise the trigger and understand my feelings and has helped me to have more intimacy with myself as when I retreat I put myself and my healing first it builds self confidence. I retreat, understand my feelings from letting them flow, then when I am calm I know what to tell others about how I feel and what I can and cant be around. Calm brings clarity and I found its been part of my healing to calm on my own. Hope this helps ❤.
Well done. I've managed to use the same strategy. It really is such a relief to not wake up the next day full of shame about how your disregulated self behaved to those you love. 👍
I just discovered your channel. It takes my breath away in a good way. Makes my head and my heart spin around and around. Each video I take in puts me up on a stage with myself to understand the play. You seem to be writing a book about me and do many others and you have been here. Thanks for gently, kindly, helping open up awareness. This is life changing info. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences in a way that is so helpful and empowering. I have so much to chew on. Thank you so very very much for being you, for sharing yourself and for validating this experience. For helping us not feel so alone or odd in this experience. You send out a message of acceptance, respect and hope to get through some substantial pain. Thank you so much. I am very grateful. You are making a ginormous, positive difference. I look forward to learning more. Bless you. Jack
Thank you @JR for the kind words.
-Cara@TeamFairy
thanks jack for writing all the sentiments i would have written exactly. i liked the stage part in understanding myself in the play. i probably wouldnt have come up with that very good description. but yes yes yes and i feel the same as you with this woman, this site, and the hope she presents. i think its safe to say we all in this journey together. peace.
My emotions are like the stock market if you know what I mean....
it always goes up in the long term, idk if that helps or hinders the comparison
or you for that matter!
in the case, "of if you're still here it's not the end"
@Thomas_Barnard I get that it's a roller coaster :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Overcome the emotions so you can be free.
Living with my mom was like a tornado of stress and drama.
Didn't know where to put this comment, but this seems good. Today I had a breakthrough! A situation I would have preferred to avoid, and had me dysregulating all over the place, off and on for about an hour. But, I could catch myself, re-regulate, and made infinitely better decisions than I ever would have before! This was a real challenge, and I'm just so happy to have made this progress. Which I wouldn't have, had I not found your channel. That hour would have played out very differently. Instead, afterwards I ended up having a nice day and treating myself to a wonderful, relaxing pedicure. Hooray for progress, and thank you again!
Thanks for sharing your breakthrough!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good stuff and helpful in my present state. I'm Aspie and diagnosed late in life, in my late 50s. Some of the difficulties in late diagnosis is that on top of Asperger's, many layers of trauma build up over time. Asperger's and CPTSD share a great number of symptoms right out of the box. Add stress, confusion, abuse, rejection and isolation on top of Asperger's and it becomes very difficult to separate one from the other. The Asperger's I was born with. It's part of who I am. The CPTSD has been acquired and at this point makes it nearly impossible to seek out relationships or simply enjoy the company of others. The self talk that goes on in my head is my constant companion and is often not my friend. It gets to the point sometimes where I can hardly imagine what emotional regulation might actually feel like.
We understand that undiagnosed conditions create their own special hell and trauma, especially for children. Glad you are here now, this Practice is for you! bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
hi jon, a gal i was with for two years said i had aspergers. there were some characteristics that did fit my person, but i dismissed it. i remember one was social ques and awkwardly reading them. tell me some more about your aspergers? you say you was born with it? it cant be changed? it is intrinsically part of you? see for me this would be a problem because all the dysfunctions and personality traits that haunted and vexed me my life i just thought, well, thats the way i am, period. im doomed and stuck with defected me. but now this lady ties it all up into a childhood brain trauma/set back of development. which, she insists can and with time and courage does get healed. to the point, im trying to say or ask of you are there parts of you that youre stuck with and parts that can be changed? a big fear for me would be intrinsically i cant be helped. i dont want to believe or accept that. believe me, what i thought was my person and personality traits were mostly unacceptable to live with. i need a cleaning of the slate, a hope that i can be free of the defects that pulled me down. yes, ones i feel were from childhood and not innate or my fault. is this "wishful thing" on my part?
@@tomjames7713 all autistic people were born with it, but it's still possible to adapt in healthy ways, depending on your particular set of symptoms (it's a spectrum after all).
I found you somehow!! You make more sense than anyone I have listened to thus far! I’ve subscribed to hear more! THANK YOU!
Welcome aboard!
Thank you for the amazing video, and tips for regulating myself.
4 months ago had full knee replacement, and let’s just say it’s been a downward spiral.
My knee is not working as it supposed to, and the anger is overflowing. My emotional dysregulation is bad in the best of times. The last few months has been a difficult journey for my partner and I.
I’ve got a lot of work to do, your video gives me a little hope I can start regulating my emotions. Thank you so much.
I equate my responses like a hose faucet. I had a 0 or 100 valve, I've worked on replacing it with one that can be gentle enough to water plants, not always a harsh jet. Self realization can be uncomfortable but it's the ONLY way to move forward. 20+ years ago, my dysregulation had driven everyone away from me. I learned that being shut down sucked, I couldn't stand myself ultimately. I had used my depression as dirty pool; " nothing you can do will help" against both helpful & unhelpful people. Wish I had had Ana Runkle to help me back then but still learning today.
You have her now 💜
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy and the progress is really noticeable. Thanks for being part of the healing of so many!
The first 2:30 mins are the description of 90% of my reactions. Your channel is truly, honestly the only time i have felt seen, understood. including therapy - obviously haven't found the right one, but boy have i tried.
THANK YOU.
Oh my goodness. I can’t believe this is what’s been happening all along... Thank you so much for this video.
We are so glad it helped ;)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Bless you. I describe it as having a black hole appear under my feet. Normally that makes me fall down into the darkness where I get stuck for a while. When that dark pit opens up, I imagine I'm keeping my feet around the edge. I can't stop the hole from opening up, but I'm getting better at not falling in.
That is total progress 💪💜
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank You soo much for this description: Emotional disregulation. Even feeling nothing is a feeling right...because it tells a story like other emotions.
And so because I don't like talking, this description helps me explain easily to my loved ones I care to let in about what I'm going through.
It's interesting that you used the word shame a couple of times in this video. When I get emotionally disregulated, I end up reliving feelings of rejection and desertion. I always end up doing something that brings on a feeling of shame. And, something tells me that's exactly how I felt when I was a child and I was out of control emotionally and when I presented that to my parents they looked at me and did nothing and that left me feeling ashamed of myself. Thank you for wanting to help other people who may have never equated being ignored as being traumatized as children. Sincerely, Carly💗
Anna, 23 years ago I found a man that understood that I had a lot of shame inside me. He was able to point it out and free me from that burden by loving me just the way I was and always making sure that I knew that I was seen and known. That is a gift that doesn't come along very often. But, he died and now I'm alone 85% of my life. I can't believe I went from what felt like heaven to me to feeling that I need to beg for attention from anyone. And, we both know that you can't get it that way. I think I disregulated my disregulation!☺
Carly, you were fortunate to have had that love, so sorry he died 💙
I don't know your situation & you may find another but if not, love yourself like he loved you. I used to feel being alone was devastating. I feel it goes back to feelings we had as small kids. At some point, I realized the people (parents) that I needed to literally survive could not be counted on. We're able to provide for ourselves now, even though it's still scary. Practice self care & feel GOOD about it!
I really liked your comment. Im sorry your struggling with that anguish
I've had trouble with emotion. If I got mad, my ex told me it was inappropriate anger. If I cried, I was told it was an unattractive trait. I never seemed to get it right, and she left me.
We are so glad you are here now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
F her
Your ex was playing the “impossible to win” game by moving the goal posts on you. This game is designed to keep you off balance and keep things comfortable for the person who doesn’t want to deal with those messy emotions other people express. And the ultimate punishment for not attaining her impossible standard was to leave. What a mindfuck.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Thank You
Jeez she forgot that you were human
Wow you are soooo right!!!! This is how I have been feeling TODAY with my visiting mother. I have been so upset!!!! Thank you for this I needed this so much!!!!
We're glad you got what you needed :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
i needed this , its been 8 years but every once in a while the mind wonders like a Boat dipping to the side before capsizing. I go through intense survivors guilt and shame for escaping that bad situation. Thank you for sharing this information. Ill keep it in mind .
It sounds like you're in the right place. We're so glad you're here and are sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I have been looking for how to self regulate emotions and your video was the most clear, while a lot of people says pause, .. pause and what? Love you said, writing helps, exercise helps, postpone the conversation helps, till the feeling gets regulated and you can have a conversation from loving perspective instead of anger or bitter one. Thank you sooo much!!
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching and thanks for your comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
Yes ma’am! It is within the context of a romantic relationship that i feel too much emotion. It feels awful. Thank you for being YOU. I appreciate you so very much. You provide information in your kind, gentle way.
So glad your there. Just lost a beloved member of my family, still quivery inside. It's nice to know what I am feeling has a name Dysregulation. Thanks for knowing just what to do and helping, it's a life saver.
So sorry to hear. We're sending you encouragement and are so glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🙂❤Thank you!
Woahh! The title totally triggered me. But the vidoe was one of my favorites. Thankyou for the wya you put things so eloquently it really helps me understand how to do it. Seriously thankyou. I hope you are well !
Glad you enjoyed it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Feeling my feelings is a blessing, no matter how overwhelming they are. I WILL NOT stop feeling.
This kinda reminds me of asking myself "What are you supposed to be doing again?" During executive dysfunction. Sometimes it helps.
Great idea!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Loved the analogy of a horrible house guest who's wrecking everything and refuses to leave 😂
Thankyou. thankyou, thankyou!!! I have had the WORST Mother's Day. It was building and gradually and my child's behaviour deteriorated. I know his behaviour is a berometer for how I am faring. Your advice is AMAZING.
Every time I get angry he suddenly becomes calm and nonchalant while I have meltdowns. But when I ignore him that’s when he panics and starts calling.
WHEN I AM ANGRY I WILL DO NOTHING AND IGNORE HIM
I dysregulated at work today. I had to assert changes to my week for next year. I was petrified of having the discussion, The conversation was more 1 way from me, it wasnt open to discussion and had tone of anger & no tolerating. He is a good manager he said lets think about it. I watched this video and your talk with "therapy in a nutshell". I focussed on keeping my aeroplane on the ground. That helped tonnes and all your techniques with breathing, sitting etc. I was able to go back and further discuss (2 way this time) and we got creative with solutions. I have managed to keep a good relationship post horror discussion & find a happy medium for us both in the next year. So thank you. I found no other helpful articles so thank you. For existing, for being here, for saying that :)
That's amazing! Thanks for sharing, we're so happy for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is where I m at right now... I haven t decided how much of my CPTSD is from childhood trauma or the decades of emotional abuse from a covert narcissist who everyone sees as such a "good guy"....they have no clue.....he wears a mask with them....yes I went OFF on a bank employee a few weeks ago.....yes my adult son just stared at me blankly as a FaceTime session he initiated this morning just to get his dog home to him after vacation today turned emotionall.....he has no idea that at the moment he called I was being disrespected by his father who immediately snaps into his buddy dad voice....and acts like everything is fine...no this was a week of nonstop attempts at conversations to work on issues only to be gaslit t and stoewalled or just the silent treatment, which is his favorite........I go into dysregulation and he then portrays ME as difficult and him the victim..ugh....I so appreciate your videos.......
We're glad you're watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Keep the airplane on the ground. Hysterical af, and oh so true.
Appreciate you being here-glad it resonates :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
In a abusive childhood you are taught don’t think don’t speak don’t feel. So it’s important to be allowed to feel yo ur feelings. So the title of don’t feel your feelings, can be triggering in itself when you were never allowed to feel. But regardless of that sentence being triggering, I still watched and the information in this video was very helpful. Thank you.
Appreciate you watching :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, sometimes my feelings get the best of me and some days they ruin it you know I’m just learning how to get rid of them
You are just so amazing! Everything you say is so true. I feel bad for all the relationships i messed up before I learned these things!
Nothing to feel bad about, it's all good experience going forward!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This video has been a total game changer for me because it explains something that happens to me that I couldn't make sense of before. I must admit though, rather than thinking of stopping a plane taking off (because planes are supposed to take off and it's entirely appropriate that they do) I find the statement
" I'm having an emotional reaction" is like defusing the emotional bomb that's about to explode. This, combined with the daily practice is a life saver because you can bet that all the destructive stuff that explodes outwards during an episode of emotional dysregulation is based of fears and resentments that haven't been brought to light by us. I laughed when you said that the more urgent it feels to say something during a deregulated state, the more likely it is that it's best not to say it there and then!
Thank you Anna for such wonderful resources 🙏
We're so glad to hear the video helped and that you found the Daily Practice beneficial! Glad to have you here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I have shame of overreaction... and I thank you for your knowledge, I think it will help me...
Thank you for watching. Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
There is a difference between feeling your feelings, ie having emotions, and emotionalizing.
I think it is incredibly important to feel your feelings, but emotionalizing is something different entirely. I believe is is done mostly to control or manipuate an out come (such as to overwhelm and thus stop oneself, get out of having to move forward or own what we want, stop another, or get someone to do as we wish, to name a few). Emotionalizing causes more emotions. I believe we're not really processing and releasing them, but more like churning them.
When I truly feel my feelings I surrender to them, and something shifts within me internally.
This difference has been important for me to understand.
I say this because feeling my feelings and being in touch with what they are telling me has been instrumental, if not foundational, in my long term recovery. Even if just the fact that I am emotionalizing let's me know that I am afraid and want out of a situation, and that I have a choice to continue or not, without being at the mercy of my feelings. It almost doesn't matter so much what I choose, but that I can, and that I can stay in relationship with myself and my inner world they way I wasn't as a child.
Nicely said, thank you for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thé problem is people Care to much about what people think. If your body want to cry , let him without fall into it..just observe it..and don't give a f. about what people think
Never heard the term emotionalizing, it’s a perfect description for being in that state.
Well said. Realizing this concept has been a huge breakthrough for me as well.
@@godekchen9658 People have jobs to keep, and presentation to maintain to have a functioning life, we can't just act however we want and look unstable to our colleagues and associates.
Thank you! So much pressure to feel when being in control is what I really need.
My grandmother just sent me this and idk what to say. I'm not traumatized and I'm fine.
LOL, glad to hear it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
She is wise. Because at some point you will need this information. Maybe not now but in the future sometime
I don't even think you realized what you recorded. I listened and listened again. This video is amazing. It has opened wounds of CPTSD. I DIDNT Even KNOW I HAD. thank you so so much
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I had given up trying to know what was wrong with me until I found you. I had finally ruled out Aspergers, BPD, and knew it was because I was adopted. I had read the adoption books by Newton Verrier, but she did NOT mention C-PTSD. You are really describing me here. Emotional dysregulation has been a problem my whole life. I call it the rollercoaster ride from hell. Fortunately I believe it diminishes with age and I will try your suggestions.
So glad you found the channel! We're rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Fellow adoptee here and also have C-PTSD. Was diagnosed with autism at 17 but think it was a misdiagnosis (even though it's difficult for girls to get one for autism). Making progress with counselling, but still have somewhat weird issues with friendships including being afraid of losing interest, still anxious and afraid of being abandoned and not feeling 100% welcome in other people's lives even with invitations/them seeking me out.
Didn't like Nancy Verrier's books that much as she tends to blame adoptees for lifelong issues they didn't get support with from a-families etc, but that's not to say her books are worthless.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Yes, I understand what you mean about her books. She did raise an adopted girl and had her own afterwards. (A very common story) I guess that experience wore out her patience. My brother was adopted also at 2 1/2 years old and he was terribly screwed up so I can have SOME sympathy for her I guess. There are lots of books on adoption out there if you look. Also on C-PTSD.
Best wishes to you❣️❣️
Felt a little stuckish in my healing. And your channel is very exciting to me. I havent had enough time to put much into practice just yet, but im learning a lot of new things to try in my recovery! Thanks for all your work🥳
We have plenty more here courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just left a customer service phone job at an airline. I have additional PTSD from having customers barf on me and I had to just take it.... until I no longer could take it. What I've learned from the last 8.5 years at that job is that so many Americans are not doing well. So many Americans have normalized unregulated emotional outbursts. Now I am having to regulate my nervous system from all the abuse.
Oh I love this! thank you. I always believed it was essential to sit with every feeling but sometimes the feeling is an illusions (triggered by childhood trauma) and there is no good that can come from sitting with that.
mind blowing. :D
I'm so glad that you get to experience a new idea!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It never stops for me though, it never stops. I’m constantly disregulated and never “calm”.
look into stellate ganglion block. we deserve relief from the constant state of anxiety.
This is so true to me! Thanks for the explanation.
30 minutes is not enough
It sometimes takes ages.
And the thoughts will remain the same, even though I dont react to it.
Thanks so much for this!! 100% spot on for me.
So glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is brilliant. No one ever explained to me what was going on in my head when I suddenly felt intense pain when I just THOUGHT my partner had lied or done something solely to make me miserable. My partner thanks you. I thank you. My daughters thank you… 😉
Thank you! your timing is impeccable, I've been surrounded by triggers/triggering situations way too much lately, unavoidable unfortunately, I'm trying as much as possible when possible to remove myself from those situations as well as trying to have better "control" over what's happening. Cramming as many of these your videos as necessary 🤣 a few on repeat like "calm your triggers, how to know you're dysregulated, and how to heal"
Thank you a million times
OH Great!!! you might also want check out description of Dysregulation Bootcamp bit.ly/3t5vPtN
-Cara@TeamFairy
What?! Normally I love your videos but stop feeling your feelings? That is the key to recovery and to releasing emotions. Feel it to heal it.
I think we are in agreement, the message is not to ignore your feelings :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I found that when I was talking to my psychologist while emotionally disregulated it would send me deeper in a rut and I’d finish the session worse off.
Thank you so much for helping me understand this emotions...sometimes I feel like two persons in one body..
Reassuring when we realize we aren't all alone with this :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You gave me clarity and freedom to not share "feelings" and to "pause."
better to "pause" and do a date with someone
I've been crying through a few of your videos and I really appreciate the work you put into them! Thank you for making this content available
I wrote journals rather then then talk to my exhusband.. I needed a release it helped a lot! Your videos are helping more. Thank you
I love your insight! Thank you!
Thank you for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I liked this video advisedly as I don't totally agree w/Crappy Childhood Fairy here: She is right in saying that that one shouldn't feel one's feelings in all of the situations she describes, but there are other situations that call for doing so.
Decades ago, when I was in my late 20's, I was in therapy for, among other things, pathological shyness. At one point, my therapist advised me to "experience the experience" when I felt
inferior. I did so, my feelings-of-inferiority would initially get worse, but then they "would disappear just like that" he said as he snapped his fingers. I credit this advice with giving me an at least adequate self-confidence level for the 1st time in my life!
When people see you not controlling your feelings some see it as an opportunity to punish you till your dead
Fuck I lived that, going through it.. yup
I fucking love you and how you help the traumatised. But you have such beautiful hair! Please keep growing it - it's a super-power.
I don’t have C-PTSD but I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD and emotional dysregulation is a big part of that. This was really helpful. Thank you
Happy it helped, thanks for sharing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me too
Thank you. I have been ED my entire life, a cork on the storming sea of my emotions. Needed this at this moment.
If you haven't, you might like the Daily Practice technique Anna talks about to deal with that storm bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
In doing a ‘deep dive’ into everything ED, I found that =
In order for me to feel my feelings in a healthy way, I keep a journal, and I realized how truly repetitive everything was and I began to slowly make adjustments to my daily routine and thought process,
I still have to make a conscious effort from time to time but it's become a lot easier.
Great work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I use a Voice Recording App. And I walk and talk. It really helps! I usually don't go back and revisit it as I've worked thru it and can then go about my day calmly. Sometimes it's about AHA moments or what I learned in therapy or a discussion with a good friend. There are several free ones and now they even transcribe it!! It's a great way to vent,rant and release without dumping it where it can dop harm
Thank you for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy