I recognized that I was in a codependent relationship. QUESTION: How often do you think we (INFJs) get ourselves into codependent relationships? I recognize what it looks like for me now but when I look back over sixty-some years I'm quite disturbed by how often it may have happened. Thank goodness for ACoA and channels like yours!😘
I left when I spoke the truth about the theft and betrayal from a friend and no one believed. I let them be and let them learn the truth on their own... a few years after the incident, I was informed that I was right and about the others before me, with their bad experience from the said person. Felt like the elephant had lift its feet off my chest after knowing I was not "crazy" nor the "worst friend". I breathe better now because I learned that I did the right thing and that is a milestone for Self-care 🤍💗
Every time I door slammed it was with a clear conscious as I'd done everything in my power to give opportunity to those who kept using and abusing me beyond anyone's limit...in my later years I don't wait that long before what's right for me...Door slam every time cos I know how it'll turn out....much happier now.😁😎🙏
THE 5 BIGGEST LESSONS FROM THE INFJ DOOR SLAM 1. Letting out anger is healthy -> 1:28 2. Holding back for so long is just not worth it -> 4:46 3. You learn to take people at face value - > 7:21 4. You learn that you can take rejection. -> 8:16 5. You learn that you are NOT responsible for others -> 9:40
The main regret I have about most of the door slams in my life is that I should have done them sooner. In many cases their true character was evident on day one, but I felt I should give them a chance just in case I was wrong. For me, the best door slam is the one that never really happens. If I trust my spidey sense and shut down a relationship before it gets involved, I never regret it. I might piss someone off, but I didn't have anything invested in them to lose.
If the person lies or is deceptive, if they are the taker and you the giver, if you are only in communication when they need you but not the other way around, they do not respect you. Take the high road and move on. At 67, I don't even feel an explanation is due.
We INFJs are known for the "door slam," although , to be honest, I don't think we find it easy to do. I often feel sad or uneasy when doing it, but have usually realized that it was the right thing. To me, it's an independent act that we sometimes need to do, following our own judgment. Recognizing our rational anger (and it does exist) is indeed healthy. Holding it back, by contrast, doesn't strike me as being healthy. I remember lots of times thinking that the person or situation I was in would change. Guess what. It didn't happen. As I look back there were some actions and things they said and/or did that should have been taken at face value. But if there was rejection involved, yes I could take it even if it was painful at the time. Once the initial shock was over, I often felt much better to be rid of the aggravation. I value my ability to help people, but only if they want and appreciate it.
I (INFJ) put up with my narcissistic ex wife for 20 years. When I finally snapped, I was gone within 3 weeks of it happening. I had two teenage children so I had to speak with her occasionally about that, but i never spoke to her again about us. Ironically, my 18 year old (at the time) daughter, who is also an INFJ door slammed me because she didn't like that I called out her mother for being toxic. 7 years later, she still won't talk to me. I have respected her choice even though I hate it. Maybe one day she'll grow up. But I'm not sitting around waiting or trying to fix it. Dealing with my daughter turned out to be a bigger learning opportunity than the divorce. She has allowed me to learn to pull away from people who don't want help as well as learning to deal with being hated by someone. I've grown a lot from this, and she's not even aware of how much she has helped in my journey.
It's great to hear that letting out anger is healthy. I was always shamed by parents for letting out my anger. Especially my mom who can't stand any negative energy. Unfortunately, due to being bullied in elementary school, middle school and sometimes dealing with bullies at open mic, I repress so many emotions that they just eventually explode unfortunately at the people who I'm not even angry at.
At 67yrs, wish I had realised sooner to all this. My life makes sense now, however because of my family background there's many negative impacts that I am having to process. Thank you for clarifying
Thanku so much wenzes. It's not easy to unlearn the patterns others forced on us while growing up ... people who were supposed to protect us ....we trust them and think they would never mean to harm us in any way , you are right we find reasons to justify their actions ... And that's where it all starts . I repeat it's not easy to change what we thought was our identity or who we were ....but your videos been very very helpful , it's been around 2 years now since I found your channel , and what has amazed me is as Infj we are always aware of the bigger picture , we always know in our heart the reality of all those around us and we know what should be the right action but those old patterns won't let us make them...... Because I have been watching your videos regularly it kind of helps in breaking all those neuropatterns with time .....they kind of brainwash you 😅 thanku so much for everything , for your continuous efforts and consistent videos. Lots of love and light ❤ May you receive the same blessing you have been to others.
For me the slam has been rare, but almost automatic or instinctive. It didn’t involve analysis. I think what makes others notice the “door slam” is what comes after, or what doesn’t. We never look back.
Also that learning that we're not responsible for others. I have felt that a lot in my life. Especially when I witness friends making poor decisions due to peer pressure and if I ask them if they are okay, they will say, yeah they can handle drinking shots with their friends or whatever it is. Problem with being an empath, I care for humanity too much. I have to learn that I can't be responsible for everyone's well being.
For me, the door slam happens when I continually let someone disrespect me without me communicating my boundaries. I let things build up until I no longer want the friendship or relationship AT ALL. I need to do a better job of addressing things from the beginning.
@5:00 I have to disagree here: door slams get easier the more you do them, ime. It's now my fail-safe move in case everything goes to crap, I can always slam that door at any time and feel GOOD about it because they were violating my boundaries without any concern for my feelings whatsoever, or disrespecting me based on false assumptions. I don't need that idiotic judgmental crap in my life. @10:20 this attitude of seeking external validation means you're looking for it in the wrong place; seek your OWN validation, only. You don't need anyone else's "approval" or "permission" to be as radical, weird, and different as you wish to be. Screw their standards, you already rock.
So so timely, Wenzes, you have no idea. Learning to let go of my inner child wishful thinking and becoming the momma bear i have always deserved to have ❤
This is an absolutely excellent video! Many of us INFJs have been working so hard from the very early age to make other people happy, - and often became the parents to our parents or other adults, who supposed to help us & protect us, but instead used us as a living shield against their own life troubles. And we got used to this situation. The sooner INFJs realize, that they themselves deserve help & protection and must become their own advocate, bodyguard & financier, the better. It helps us reach the independence & prosperity, which we have always deserved, because we are good people. It's time to give to ourselves all the love & care, which we used to waist on unworthy relatives, false friends or bad classmates/coworkers.
Door Slam is excellent tool for dealing with narcissists and toxic people. It is unhealthy when we use it for anyone else since it becomes seeking perfectionism in ourselves and others.
I've encountered ignorance and stupidity through an older woman friend years ago. I never got the respect I deserved. I was given the silent treatment, dumped for another woman, used, and it was very painful . I told this woman off to the core and gave her the harsh door slam It really felt good! I felt free and much happier ! ☺️
A group of friends. They could poison me I don't know why they didn't make it I made it dr. Said I look like hell I should be in hell so much was used it ain't even funny so now I'm alone yelling at people on the internet
Find an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families group. Start taking care of yourself by understanding who YOU are and being around people who will help you just by being a fellow traveler and understanding what you are going through.
I door slammed my whole family....best move I ever made. I have friends who are family more than blood. Peace and happiness began the day I said No More !
Thank you for this. It’s been a lifelong struggle to acknowledge other people’s shortcomings and to walk away from these situations, and to start to appreciate many of my own qualities.
These are great reflections the need to pay attention to facts, to pay attention how we are responsible for our own actions and that others are responsible for thier own actions too . So lets invest more for our own progress 💙
Wenzes you are 🥶 as ice! What a transformational way to process the infamous INFJ door slam! #3 is so darn hard - my Ni immediately starts to formulate hypertheticals - and then I project these unto this person until their ugly behavior is so loud and forces me to see them as they are- and then I door slam. Thank you for telling us the door slams is not healthy and it's preventable. The steps in the video provides us ways to address the unhealthy people - dynamics in our lives. ❤
After you slam the door.. don’t make the mistake of opening it again. It will only bring the same hurt and energy drain as before. I learned that lesson and will always remember that once they show me who they are.. I’ll accept they won’t change. It took me some time to grieve the end of the relationship because I invested so much but it’s better on the other side.
Do it in a timely manner and make it short, humans naturally are self absorbed so just a nudge like hey im part of your space hear me out, if in small things u dont jive what more on bigger things but you know when you are committed it means you have compatibility, and in the Bible, you forgive up to 77 times, that's what love is, not to the point of self destruction but as long as these are small things you patch up every day
This was so helpful. I've done the door slam but having someone articulate the exact mental process that I went through to get to that point is so helpful.
After being with my partner for 24 years , the last two years trying to reason with him ,trying to figure out what was happening and I warned him I would leave - I could feel it happening ! He never acknowledged it and one day I I thought I’m done and I wasn’t there when he came home from work ! I doorslammed and then he wanted to talk etc but once it’s done there’s no going back . I had a clear conscious as I tried to warn him for two years and he told me he underestimated me ? I hope he got the help he needed and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been . The door slam is helpful in these toxic relationships as you know once your done your done ! I’ve learnt through the years that we know what we are capable of and it’s wise to speak up and try and solve it before we door slam .
Ich wollte in meinem Leben es immer für alle perfekt machen doch am Ende habe ich erkannt dass diese Aufgabe so unendlich schwer war aber ich so froh war wenn einfach so viele Leute zufrieden waren. Doch heute weiß ich, dass ich es nicht jedem Recht machen muss. Ich habe so viele Menschen in meinem Leben losgelassen weil ich mir damals eingebildet habe ich brauche sie obwohl ich einfach nur unsicher war. Ich hätte meine Zeit so viel sinnvoller investieren können. Wenn ich doch nur nicht so unsicher gewesen wäre. Doch heute habe ich eine Chance meine Zeit besser zu investieren. Und nicht zu glauben ich sei undankbar oder herzlos weil ich mal nicht so reagiere wie andere es möchten. Ich mache mir selbst viel mehr Schmerzen mit dem Gedanken wie würde sich Person xy fühlen als das ich weiss wie es wirklich ist...
This is so true for me in my life and this gang stalking that included people who I loved... was the ultimate! It's been this way my whole life in so many ways
Honestly, I have learned to let out a 5 minute rant when needed. Most of the time, it's to people close or relate to that person I'm ranting about that I am also friendly with or just my family. Sometimes even getting new ideas for the next approach. I actually end up feeling better and have an easier time to door slam on people. Since I had let off steam, it became easier after it and there would be people supporting me if I needed it.
What are you biggest AHA moments when it comes to the INFJ DOOR SLAM?
I recognized that I was in a codependent relationship.
QUESTION: How often do you think we (INFJs) get ourselves into codependent relationships? I recognize what it looks like for me now but when I look back over sixty-some years I'm quite disturbed by how often it may have happened. Thank goodness for ACoA and channels like yours!😘
When the slam has happened and someone says "I don't know how you dealt with that as long as you did" , when you thought no one noticed
A thunder storm is scarry but if you have power over it then it's truly marvelous 💥⛈️⚡👌😁
I left when I spoke the truth about the theft and betrayal from a friend and no one believed.
I let them be and let them learn the truth on their own... a few years after the incident,
I was informed that I was right and about the others before me, with their bad experience from the said person.
Felt like the elephant had lift its feet off my chest after knowing I was not "crazy" nor the "worst friend".
I breathe better now because I learned that I did the right thing and that is a milestone for Self-care 🤍💗
When I have finally accepted that the other person's words do not match their actions, this is when the door slams...
Every time I door slammed it was with a clear conscious as I'd done everything in my power to give opportunity to those who kept using and abusing me beyond anyone's limit...in my later years I don't wait that long before what's right for me...Door slam every time cos I know how it'll turn out....much happier now.😁😎🙏
True, live and learn.
It's the frustration of them not trying to make it better. ✌️😎
Yep! Same experience!
Yes and some people just don't want to stop! And then act surprised when you leave and slam the door.
THE 5 BIGGEST LESSONS FROM THE INFJ DOOR SLAM
1. Letting out anger is healthy -> 1:28
2. Holding back for so long is just not worth it -> 4:46
3. You learn to take people at face value - > 7:21
4. You learn that you can take rejection. -> 8:16
5. You learn that you are NOT responsible for others -> 9:40
The main regret I have about most of the door slams in my life is that I should have done them sooner. In many cases their true character was evident on day one, but I felt I should give them a chance just in case I was wrong.
For me, the best door slam is the one that never really happens. If I trust my spidey sense and shut down a relationship before it gets involved, I never regret it. I might piss someone off, but I didn't have anything invested in them to lose.
I "saw the red flags and thought it was a carnival "😮
If the person lies or is deceptive, if they are the taker and you the giver, if you are only in communication when they need you but not the other way around, they do not respect you. Take the high road and move on. At 67, I don't even feel an explanation is due.
We INFJs are known for the "door slam," although , to be honest, I don't think we find it easy to do. I often feel sad or uneasy when doing it, but have usually realized that it was the right thing.
To me, it's an independent act that we sometimes need to do, following our own judgment. Recognizing our rational anger (and it does exist) is indeed healthy. Holding it back, by contrast, doesn't strike me as being healthy.
I remember lots of times thinking that the person or situation I was in would change. Guess what. It didn't happen. As I look back there were some actions and things they said and/or did that should have been taken at face value. But if there was rejection involved, yes I could take it even if it was painful at the time. Once the initial shock was over, I often felt much better to be rid of the aggravation.
I value my ability to help people, but only if they want and appreciate it.
I (INFJ) put up with my narcissistic ex wife for 20 years. When I finally snapped, I was gone within 3 weeks of it happening. I had two teenage children so I had to speak with her occasionally about that, but i never spoke to her again about us. Ironically, my 18 year old (at the time) daughter, who is also an INFJ door slammed me because she didn't like that I called out her mother for being toxic. 7 years later, she still won't talk to me. I have respected her choice even though I hate it. Maybe one day she'll grow up. But I'm not sitting around waiting or trying to fix it. Dealing with my daughter turned out to be a bigger learning opportunity than the divorce. She has allowed me to learn to pull away from people who don't want help as well as learning to deal with being hated by someone. I've grown a lot from this, and she's not even aware of how much she has helped in my journey.
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Black Boys on Mopeds
Song by Sinéad O'Connor
It's great to hear that letting out anger is healthy. I was always shamed by parents for letting out my anger. Especially my mom who can't stand any negative energy. Unfortunately, due to being bullied in elementary school, middle school and sometimes dealing with bullies at open mic, I repress so many emotions that they just eventually explode unfortunately at the people who I'm not even angry at.
😔🫂
My last " doorslam" knocked the doorknob off.
I think I have found a home ❤
At 67yrs, wish I had realised sooner to all this. My life makes sense now, however because of my family background there's many negative impacts that I am having to process. Thank you for clarifying
Thanku so much wenzes. It's not easy to unlearn the patterns others forced on us while growing up ... people who were supposed to protect us ....we trust them and think they would never mean to harm us in any way , you are right we find reasons to justify their actions ... And that's where it all starts . I repeat it's not easy to change what we thought was our identity or who we were ....but your videos been very very helpful , it's been around 2 years now since I found your channel , and what has amazed me is as Infj we are always aware of the bigger picture , we always know in our heart the reality of all those around us and we know what should be the right action but those old patterns won't let us make them...... Because I have been watching your videos regularly it kind of helps in breaking all those neuropatterns with time .....they kind of brainwash you 😅 thanku so much for everything , for your continuous efforts and consistent videos.
Lots of love and light ❤
May you receive the same blessing you have been to others.
Bless you, I am feeling the same ❤
Thank you, this gurney is so depressing. it like working on constructing work in the very heat of the day, humans humans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For me the slam has been rare, but almost automatic or instinctive. It didn’t involve analysis. I think what makes others notice the “door slam” is what comes after, or what doesn’t. We never look back.
Also that learning that we're not responsible for others. I have felt that a lot in my life. Especially when I witness friends making poor decisions due to peer pressure and if I ask them if they are okay, they will say, yeah they can handle drinking shots with their friends or whatever it is. Problem with being an empath, I care for humanity too much. I have to learn that I can't be responsible for everyone's well being.
It’s a hard lesson but it’s a necessary one.
Thank you Wenzes Btw. 💙
Your great. Ty
I have been almost getting into a lot of physical fights lately just calling people out on everything that bothers me. I need to chill tf out😮💨
👍👍👍👍👍
For me, the door slam happens when I continually let someone disrespect me without me communicating my boundaries. I let things build up until I no longer want the friendship or relationship AT ALL. I need to do a better job of addressing things from the beginning.
@5:00 I have to disagree here: door slams get easier the more you do them, ime. It's now my fail-safe move in case everything goes to crap, I can always slam that door at any time and feel GOOD about it because they were violating my boundaries without any concern for my feelings whatsoever, or disrespecting me based on false assumptions. I don't need that idiotic judgmental crap in my life. @10:20 this attitude of seeking external validation means you're looking for it in the wrong place; seek your OWN validation, only. You don't need anyone else's "approval" or "permission" to be as radical, weird, and different as you wish to be. Screw their standards, you already rock.
So so timely, Wenzes, you have no idea. Learning to let go of my inner child wishful thinking and becoming the momma bear i have always deserved to have ❤
Hey I am thinking, working out the same way, too! Bless you on your self care and self work.
My sentiments exactly!
I don’t believe they care, honestly. If they did they wouldn’t have done whatever got the door slammed on them.
This is an absolutely excellent video! Many of us INFJs have been working so hard from the very early age to make other people happy, - and often became the parents to our parents or other adults, who supposed to help us & protect us, but instead used us as a living shield against their own life troubles. And we got used to this situation. The sooner INFJs realize, that they themselves deserve help & protection and must become their own advocate, bodyguard & financier, the better. It helps us reach the independence & prosperity, which we have always deserved, because we are good people. It's time to give to ourselves all the love & care, which we used to waist on unworthy relatives, false friends or bad classmates/coworkers.
Yessss
Door Slam is excellent tool for dealing with narcissists and toxic people.
It is unhealthy when we use it for anyone else since it becomes seeking perfectionism in ourselves and others.
I only door slam manipulative, controlling people. The rest deserve my kindness and compassion.
I've encountered ignorance and stupidity through an older woman friend years ago. I never got the respect I deserved. I was given the silent treatment, dumped for another woman, used, and it was very painful . I told this woman off to the core and gave her the harsh door slam
It really felt good! I felt free and much happier ! ☺️
You are too young to be so jaded. The people around you will get more and more difficult to deal with unless you chose to change.
A group of friends. They could poison me I don't know why they didn't make it I made it dr. Said I look like hell I should be in hell so much was used it ain't even funny so now I'm alone yelling at people on the internet
Try taking little little steps towards getting healthy
Find an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families group. Start taking care of yourself by understanding who YOU are and being around people who will help you just by being a fellow traveler and understanding what you are going through.
I door slammed my whole family....best move I ever made. I have friends who are family more than blood. Peace and happiness began the day I said No More !
Thank you for this. It’s been a lifelong struggle to acknowledge other people’s shortcomings and to walk away from these situations, and to start to appreciate many of my own qualities.
Wenze's I concur with all the information I'll be doing that soon to two individuals.Wenze's thank you for you you're a good teacher!!!Jerome❤❤❤
These are great reflections
the need to pay attention to facts, to pay attention how we are responsible for our own actions and that others are responsible for thier own actions too .
So lets invest more for our own progress 💙
Wenzes you are 🥶 as ice! What a transformational way to process the infamous INFJ door slam! #3 is so darn hard - my Ni immediately starts to formulate hypertheticals - and then I project these unto this person until their ugly behavior is so loud and forces me to see them as they are- and then I door slam. Thank you for telling us the door slams is not healthy and it's preventable. The steps in the video provides us ways to address the unhealthy people - dynamics in our lives. ❤
After you slam the door.. don’t make the mistake of opening it again. It will only bring the same hurt and energy drain as before. I learned that lesson and will always remember that once they show me who they are.. I’ll accept they won’t change. It took me some time to grieve the end of the relationship because I invested so much but it’s better on the other side.
I love slam doors!😂..give out our love or take it back, it’s all in our hands! ..😊
Do it in a timely manner and make it short, humans naturally are self absorbed so just a nudge like hey im part of your space hear me out, if in small things u dont jive what more on bigger things but you know when you are committed it means you have compatibility, and in the Bible, you forgive up to 77 times, that's what love is, not to the point of self destruction but as long as these are small things you patch up every day
💯❤️🙏😇 . Absolutely. ✌️😎 It's necessary at times 😔 " get the fudge out of here." 😔
Best. Thumbnail. Ever 🤣❤ .. 🚪💥
Thank you❤🙏🙏
This was so helpful. I've done the door slam but having someone articulate the exact mental process that I went through to get to that point is so helpful.
❤❤❤❤❤ thank you ❤❤❤
Thank you, I needed this...❤
How do these boundaries work with our kids? How much responsibility should we take?
Queen 👸🏻 #INFJ
After being with my partner for 24 years , the last two years trying to reason with him ,trying to figure out what was happening and I warned him I would leave - I could feel it happening ! He never acknowledged it and one day I I thought I’m done and I wasn’t there when he came home from work ! I doorslammed and then he wanted to talk etc but once it’s done there’s no going back . I had a clear conscious as I tried to warn him for two years and he told me he underestimated me ? I hope he got the help he needed and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been . The door slam is helpful in these toxic relationships as you know once your done your done ! I’ve learnt through the years that we know what we are capable of and it’s wise to speak up and try and solve it before we door slam .
Ich wollte in meinem Leben es immer für alle perfekt machen doch am Ende habe ich erkannt dass diese Aufgabe so unendlich schwer war aber ich so froh war wenn einfach so viele Leute zufrieden waren. Doch heute weiß ich, dass ich es nicht jedem Recht machen muss. Ich habe so viele Menschen in meinem Leben losgelassen weil ich mir damals eingebildet habe ich brauche sie obwohl ich einfach nur unsicher war. Ich hätte meine Zeit so viel sinnvoller investieren können. Wenn ich doch nur nicht so unsicher gewesen wäre. Doch heute habe ich eine Chance meine Zeit besser zu investieren. Und nicht zu glauben ich sei undankbar oder herzlos weil ich mal nicht so reagiere wie andere es möchten. Ich mache mir selbst viel mehr Schmerzen mit dem Gedanken wie würde sich Person xy fühlen als das ich weiss wie es wirklich ist...
Thank you for your content is definitely helping a lot of people especially me
This is so true for me in my life and this gang stalking that included people who I loved... was the ultimate! It's been this way my whole life in so many ways
Honestly, I have learned to let out a 5 minute rant when needed. Most of the time, it's to people close or relate to that person I'm ranting about that I am also friendly with or just my family. Sometimes even getting new ideas for the next approach. I actually end up feeling better and have an easier time to door slam on people. Since I had let off steam, it became easier after it and there would be people supporting me if I needed it.
I door slammed the entire world save 1 person who actually has my trust. Crushed it! Good video. 😎✌️🤟⚡