How to Validate Someone's Feelings
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- Опубліковано 30 чер 2024
- Thank you for watching! Also, *practise.
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#emotions #validation #affirmation #psychology #mbti #myersbriggs #16types - Комедії
Hi! Just popping my 2c in here.
When someone is 'emotionally venting' to you, they aren't looking for arguments or rebuttal or solutions - YET. The goal of emotional validation is to help the person to feel that their emotional experience is recognised, understood, *allowed to exist*, and essentially OKAY. Unlike arguments, emotions are not true or false, wrong or right - this is not the correct language to use in thinking about emotions (though many of us have been conditioned to believe that certain purely emotional responses are praiseworthy or blameworthy). Generally speaking, emotions just *ARE*, and a lot of the time they are not intended or controlled by the person who feels them - they just are what they are, coming and going as they do. A lot of the time, people feel guilty/confused about or misunderstand their OWN emotions, and so they need to be able to externally process their emotion in a 'safe space' in order to then evaluate what to DO or how to ACT based on the emotion - or even just to make sense of a feeling they have that feels unsettling to them in some way. If people feel 'shut down' when trying to express and process their emotion, the risk is that they will internalize or repress that emotion and it will then inevitably come out in other, harmful ways.
Validating someone's emotional experience does not mean you agree with the ideas they express or the judgements they make, or the arguments they put forward. At a very bare minimum, it means that you give someone's feelings a non-judgemental 'space to exist'. In a 'best case scenario', you would actually try to understand the feeling and give verbal affirmation such as 'that must be hard for you', etc, as Kristin has outlined. Note: comments like 'I can see why you might feel upset' and ' that must be hard for you' are NOT the same as 'I agree with what you're saying' or 'that's true/false'. Similarly, someone's emotional response to a certain situation might be different from the way you might respond in the same situation - but again, what's important is giving the OTHER person's feelings space to exist and be expressed.
When people are in a heightened emotional state, they are generally less capable of hearing and understanding intellectual arguments. If you can be open to their emotional expression and let them externally process their emotional experience, then they will be far more likely to be open to your own arguments / solutions / input AFTERWARDS, whenever they are calm and their 'emotional brain' is less intensely engaged.
At the heart of it, in validating someone's feelings, your fundamental goal is better communication and therefore a better relationship - which is obviously in your best interest.
(Disclaimer: as Kristin mentioned, obviously the context of the relationship is important).
wrong
;)
This was helpful. Clarifying the "allowed to exist" mindset in particular, because that's so far outside of my personal view of things, that it sounds absurd. I'm not even sure what to say in relation to that, because it makes no sense to me.
I guess it's due to feeling functions being socially oriented, so there's worry about being "allowed to exist" with the group.
As a thinker, I'd compare emotions to ideas. A smart person can have bad ideas, in the same way someone who isn't crazy can have irrational feelings. Exploring both is the only way to gain more understanding of what's being thought/felt.
I'd say more, but that's a weird thing to shove into my understanding. 😅
Wow, that was incredibly explained. Greatly appreciated that!
I was trying to write something then i see this comment. It's as good as the video, I really appreciate what you put out here. And to Kristin too, great great video here. You know you're so right saying emotions just *ARE*. It's true sometimes things just are, with no adjectives.
Had a neat experience today after watching this video. I was playing chess with my ten year old sister (whom I‘m pretty confident is a feeler) and as her odds of winning really started going down the drain, she started to curl up into this ball of sadness and droopiness like she always does. My knee jerk instinct was to say “you don’t need to get sad *every* time you lose” sort of thing, but then my shoulder Kristin showed up to remind me of this video, so I tried some of the techniques and ended up having a really insightful conversation with my sister about how she feels hopeless and like she’ll never improve and I was able to comfort her a bit and we came up with a strategy to help her improve her chess skills, and overall it was just a nice little bonding experience when normally she would distance herself and I would not know what to do. So yeah, thanks Kristin for the advice :)
Amazing! I'm so glad! Thank you for sharing!!
Your sister sounds like a Fi user (Fi tends to withdraw in order to analyse and “feel” because it’s an introverted function). That was very sweet and uplifting of you to talk to her like that :)
"my shoulder Kristin" - great phrase
@@akendrick451 I love it because there's already a video with shoulder kristins
Lolol awww this is so cute
INTP here. I made it to the end of the video. lol Also, I was in a relationship with a feeler for over a decade, and can confirm all of Kristin's advice in the video is excellent. I had to learn a lot of the same lessons the hard way. Take advantage of her laying it out for you, fellow thinkers.
INTP- thought this was a comedy... part of me backed away as she began. I was uncomfortable the entire time. But okay.
Lol same, I had to learn this the hard way too and while it’s more natural for me now….wish I’d had this video sooner! 😅 Yes Thinkers, do listen. This stuff is important. 👌
As T users we're geared towards establishing truth and this isn't about getting to the truth at least while they're talking, it's about making them feel that we are listening empathetically and validating what they are saying. I've learned this the hard way too.
I thought of something else. We T users need to try to be ready at any time for this Fi moment, because when it comes, it often can't wait. For example, I'm a night person and if the other person is a morning person, they may want to have an Fi session when you are waking up and even before you've had your first cup of coffee / tea.
*beep boop* ...processing
"Hello human, I sense that you have feelings. Would you care to share your feelings with me? Together we can find an appropriate solution to your discomfort. I'm glad to be of assistance."
- ISTP bot
Thinkers: "The solution is to throw a feeler at them!" (Not literally, normally.)
I can confirm, this strategy works. It keeps Thinkers from ruining someone else's day.
You can’t do that if it’s a married couple who are trying fix emotional problems and one of them is a Thinker. Lol.
Which I can guarantee, they do a lot.
As an Ne auxillary, I use the following way to hear someone out: keep asking questions. Don't answer anything, don't make counter-arguments or opinions, don't say empathic statements, just ask questions. The other person will be encouraged to open up more, and in the process, they (usually) figure out what they want to do by themselves.
Thank you for this video though! It's really helpful. - INTP
Thank you, INTP. I know you've tested this advice and learned it on your own. Id like everyoneto figure out their problems and if my listening , asking g questions can ellivut that, than I'll do it.
I'm a Feeler, an ENFP. I've been learning how to be a better listener, not always wanting to fix things right away, by talking with my INFP sister, She's so good at making a person feel heard and not making their feelings less.
Fellow ENFP (9w1) and I agree, that Te just wants to help the other person because that Ne cooked up what we think is an obvious solution - but, like you said, listen first, THEN deal with problems ❤️
Yeah, as an ENFP I've always struggled with the n e e d to help with solutions rather than just listening. Not a good thing sometimes.
INFP who engages Te when someone else has troubles too. Need to engage empathy more sometimes
As an ISTJ with Fe trickster, this was honestly really helpful. It can be very easy to forget others possess an inner world of emotions and then jump into fixing mode but as soon as I remind myself how would I feel if I was in that scenario it gives a completely different perspective to the situation
I spy a nice Fi development there :)
@@miahan8988 yup haha trying to make myself a much more rounded person
ENTJ here, these skills are indispensable for people like me who inadvertently obtain mediocre relational results whenever there's unpleasant emotions involved.
NT tricks I learned as an INTJ when it comes to feelings;
- never use the word why, get creative in asking it another way if you really need to. Otherwise get it out of your system.
- Repeat what they said to you. Sometimes do this while they are telling you.
eg.
Fi- I was hurt because they totally looked over me as an option.
Te (your response)- You're hurt because they looked over you.
You can even be a zombie when you do this, it works that well.
- rewards afterwards. Get some ice cream or something sweet.
you're welcome.
As an FI saviour who's had NT's do this...
I agree with the first one, it may depend on the situation but yeah.
As for the second with repeating, that can be the fastest and clearest way to make that person believe (or realize) that you don't understand at all and don't try to, plus that you're very obviously faking empathy to get them to shut up.
Of course, the intention is likely to genuinely learn/listen/help/empathize in a better way, but by repeating their exact words it may look very fake, at least in my experience, it probably depends on the problem too though.
But if this genuinely worked for you, that's great!
P.S.: My advice would be to:
- listen
- agree that it sucks
- try to get their viewpoint or be on their side as much as reasonably possible
- if there is a solution, help implement it (Te superpower!)
- maybe share some of that ice cream with that person if it's a close one, it might help you both 😁
@@Marina_7 absolutely wonderful addition. Thank you.
the second piece has no malice or pretentiousness behind it, its just the bare bones to the method. Provide feedback to the feelings.
@@draspotnuk I would also add, acknowledging/validating when you agree with or like someone's reasonings/explanations (because of inferior Te probably?) is so great, you just instantly put a big smile on my face just by this response. So thank you too 😁
Right, agree is the king of all, i found out that my face is totally emotionless especially, when somebody tells something about their feelings, so for me getting angry is easier than any other, so it is helpful to be angry at the thing together with the person, and if i can remember somthing similar of my own i get angrier than then, so they quickly get over it, because apparently i sent enough curses already😶
Thank you so much for this video, Kristin! One of my close pals is an INFP, and as an INFJ who has a compulsion towards "fixing" people, this really helps in approaching him, and letting him know that his feelings are validated.
I have such problems in trying to fix people. I honestly get angry when they are so irrationally judgmental based off their feelings alone. Like, let’s introduce a spice of logic? Evaluate what I did wrong you did wrong etc so the problem doesnt happen again! I’m with you though, feelings should be meant to be jus that and we should learn patience… even though we usually are quite patient. I know I have the tendency to snap
As an INTP with a narcissistic mother who never in her life has validated my feelings, other peoples emotions have been really hard for me to know how to deal with them. This is really helpful! I really struggle with my own boundaries in these conversations though, so if you feel like speaking about boundaries at some point, I think many would benefit. I am in a really difficult situation where someone in my family comes to me for validation a lot and will listen to me too, but it always involves my childhood trauma and they won't listen that it literally retraumatises me every time I speak to them. I just don't want a relationship like that but feel an immense obligation for all they have done to me and I know cutting them out will tear them apart.
INTJ making it to the end of the video as I feel communication is a key part of every relationship.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge, Kristin.
My boyfriend is an INTJ and when I need to talk about my feelings or when I’m crying he just stays there with me, “bearing witness to [my] pain” as Marshall Rosenberg would say.
He looks into my eyes and holds me. If I’m crying he may wipe my tears patiently.
His presence in these moments are very healing and I never felt so emotionally connected to anyone before. - INFJ
People never seem to consider that, perhaps, their feelings ARE invalid. 🤣
-ISTP
Seriously this is good advice and I made it to the end.
Perhaps it's not the feelings that are invalid, but the way that the person chooses to enact upon those feelings? We can't choose our emotions. But we can choose the way we express them to others. Dumping them out onto another person unwarranted and unsolicited is never okay! But feelings are not innately wrong, even big ones.
Also if this was mostly humor and I took it too seriously, my apologies! 😂
@Emily S it was meant as humor but your response is great regardless.
Respect for feelings, at its best, goes both ways. One will have the best relationships by validating how others feel, and also by not using one's immediate emotions as a bludgeon against everyone.
🤣
You’re a genius!
-ENTP
I always liked the way my mate James put it: Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.
Me after seeing the "heavy on the F" disclaimer.... 😶😶 F this.
"T-users you're not going anywhere."
*Continues watching under duress but enjoying content anyway 🍿🤫
I didn't think I was any good at this because other people being vulnerable with their emotions is super awkward and uncomfortable for me, but I do most of these things and use these phrases, so I'm doing a little bit of something right. I really struggle not to go into "fixing" mode or "look at the bright side" mode, but it's something I've been working on.
I grew up in a home where negative emotions weren't welcome, so I'm uncomfortable around them, and I'm really good at finding the silver lining and being happy in any upsetting situation. I feel like I can acknowledge and validate someone's emotions and try to cheer them up at the same time, so it's wild to me that people find optimism to be invalidating a lot of the time. That they want/need to sit with their negative emotions without looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's something I'm working on, but I just don't get it. To me, the "yeah, that sucks, you should be upset" response (albeit in gentler words) makes me feel like the person doesn't care.
Yeah, a lot of this is about getting to know the person and giving them what they need specifically in the moment. There are so many ways to recognise an emotion, and I've found that people are much happier to listen to the optimism/"fixing" once that has been done!
I totally feel you, I have to stop myself from "look at the bright side"-ism
Are you mayhaps an INFJ?
Thank you Kristin for sharing your feelings... as a T user I listened to the whole video and at first caught myself zoning out just for a few seconds before I caught on and forced myself to listen since I really need this. I see this advice as a great source of helping me be the best that I can be in relationships, so I've committed myself to watch all of your Friday Fi or F videos so I can learn. Apparently as an ENTP I have trickster Fi. Again, appreciate you Kristin...
Wow, it was really helpful video. As an INTP I find it so hard and awkward to comfort someone. I love the "at the same time" tip. It's brilliant! Thanks for sharing!
My tip as an ISFP is to ask them (when they are in a good mood) how they would like to be comforted. And also explain your tendency for awkwardness in these situations. They would understand and appreciate your willingness to be there even if you didn't know what to do.
Thanks Kristin, great video. When trying to validate another's experience, I find that the fogging technique can also assist. Fogging is used especially for manipulative conversations, but can also be used in situations as you mention. You fog by agreeing in principle, in part or in probability. E.g. if My girlfriend said -
"You never listen to me and it's really hurtful"
and I know that I listen to her, it doesn't help for me to say that I do listen, but to agree in principle - eg
"When one person doesn't listen to another it really sucks".
Here I'm not agreeing that I'm not listening, but am agreeing to the principle. I can also paraphrase to hear her need -
"It sounds like you want me to understand you better or in another way - or you're not feeling like I'm hearing you? Is that right?"
Fogging, was developed by the author of When I say no I feel guilty, Manual J Smith. Part of this technique is also using Non - Violent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg.
ISFJ
oooh this sounds interesting, I might use it!
For a Te-user sometimes the solution is like a giant blinding sun burning your skin - and ignoring it seems bloody impossible. But you just gotta wear those metaphorical sunglasses, put on some metaphorical sunscreen, nod slowly and say "that sounds tough, i'm really sorry".
As an ENFP, my Te also wants to get to the troubleshooting quickly (and my Ne connects the obvious solutions fairly easily), but I also have to learn to listen to what’s being said in the moment and not prepare my answer in advance, or else I miss something important the other person said.
Btw I love the sunglasses and sunscreen imagery, very fitting 😄
YES. It’s so frustrating. It’s like I have to at least offer the solution or it will keep me up at night.
@@miahan8988 I guess we all need to practise patience in different ways. 😎
@@LilacSnowBun Damn yeah.The amount of times I've stayed up late at night to say my solution out loud, while imagining that the person was there listening, is almost embarassing. But you have to get it out of your system somehow.
@@msj8163 Yup. XD ... I’ve been talking to myself quite a bit lately ...
This video was extremally helpful. I have an ESFJ friend and any time she opens up she often times shuts herself down to talk about my feelings and I (an ENFP) being a strong fi user have to really hold back from gushing about my own emotions and remind her that right now she needs to talk about her own emotions. and that her needing time to vent isn't being selfish.
This video was very much required. I have ISFP best friend and m an ENFP so m out doing all sorts of things and many times putting others before me but my best friend is very sorted and prioritizes her mental health . Absolutely love all ur videos. We both are addicted to ur videos .
Sending this to my INTJ husband as an ENFP this is VERY much needed thank you so much!!!!! We were just talking about validating feeling and I was emotional and I'm sure he didn't fully get it. 🖤
It helps when the ENFP has compassion for the other type, who finds the ENFP to be really exhausting sometimes.
@@barrydworak oh I do!! Trust me I work on my patience everyday!!! It's a challenge because we both have ADHD as well.... Lol our household is a little much sometimes.
@Alliyah Perry ah. Might as well just roll with it then. 🤷
@@AlliyahPerry bless 😆
@@barrydworaklol yup. It is what it is.... Or so I tell myself often!
INTJ here.
I've learned to do that in the past, but for some unknown reason I have stopped, and now, after watching this video I remember that when I use to put my focus on the other person, to hear them and make them feel understood, I used to feel good about myself. Nowadays I am not that empathic, and I often feel bad about myself.
Empathy doesn't make only the speaker feel good, but the listener too.
Already loving the new series. There were some good reminders in there even for us Fi-dims.
As a Ti user (ENTP), I am not a fixer, unlike Te users, Ti wants to understand. But that doesn't mean we fare better with validating feelings than high Te users. Because Ti wants to analyze the why you are feeling that way, which sounds better. But it isn't, because we start doing things like playing devil's advocate. To determine whether your feeling is valid or not. Does it make sense you are feeling that way or not? For example, your relative died, ok it is valid to feel bad and I will be there for you. I will not try to fix, but cry with you, share the burden and validate you.
But, when it becomes more murky... for example, you had a fight with your best friend. Ok I understand that would make anyone feel bad. But Ti has to determine whether you have a valid reason to feel that way. So that is when I start becoming a devil's advocate to prod and see if it wasn't as one sided as they make it out to be. The more the other person makes it seem like they did nothing wrong and it was the other person had all the blame. The more I won't believe them. If they say something like, "Ok, I know I did wrong, but I feel bad anyways" then I will validate them. But if they are like " I was an angel adn this came out of nowhere" I will be like "Really? Are you sure?". And then, if it is somethign silly, like for example. "I was crying all night, because this person looked at me the wrong way, they surely hate me". I am like really? that is no valid reason to cry, are you even sure they hate you or are you reading too much into it?
Now, it is impossible for me to validate without knowing the full story, and assessing who was right, or if it is somethig valid. But the way I have overcome this, is that you do not have to validate why they feel that way. Just acknowledge they feel bad, try and avoid the reason entirely. Say something like "I know you feel bad, and it is only natural". And then start the interrogation process on the victim.. I mean friend.
You have to understand Ti, Ti makes the slowest judgements out of all the judging functions. If a Ti user starts questioning, it is because they do not believe you, but bare in mind that it is because we do not believe anything. We have to process it, before we can make a judgement call, and for that we need more information. So the TI user is not against you, but as always, is being neutral. The starting point of Ti is always neutrality.
For example, when people want to cancel someone. Suddenly all this headlines say that "x" actor did somethign very controversial. Everyone either jumps on the hate wagon, or protects them. Meanwhile me, I take an stance of neutrality and am like, we do not have enough information, we have to wait until more information comes out. The same way, when you come to me with your feelings, my brain is like, I do not have enough information to formulate an opinion. I am always like, the more information I get the better (which is Ne), but Ti doesn't want to jump to conclussions, in fact in most things we do not even formulate an opinion. Granted when we do formulate an opinion, it will be hard to convince us otherwise, because we feel like we already did our homework and thought about things for a long period of time.....
And here goes my Ne, now I am talking about somethign entirely different, lmao. But I will keep it, because it might help people undertsand the Ne Ti process, or at least mine.
Most of the Ti users I’ve known like to fix emotional problems. It’s not just a Te thing. Even ISFJs and INFJs can have this problem of fixing.
@@CDCSedits Well true, but it is due to Fe. Fe also wants to fix it, but in a different way. But look at high Ti users, compared to high Fe users, they tend to be more of a fixer.
Te might want to fix in a pragmatic way, like this is what you need to do or should have done. Fe will be in a more trying to make you feel better way, inestad of validating. Of course, they both can learn to validate, but I am talking more on the average Fe user.
Ti tends to be a more, individualistic function, a more everyone carries their own weight and deal with their own problems. That is until Fe comes into play. Definitely things are way more complex, than just saying all Ti users are like this, because Fe also plays a role. Even when I said my Ti has to determine validity before I validate, my validation comes in the way of Fe of wanting to fix the problem via making the person feel better. I only learnt to validate because I realized it was what worked the best. But it is still because I want to fix their feelings. But Ti has to approve of it first.
@@farrex0 Huh… Interesting. 🤔 I love your perspective on this!
@@CDCSedits I think Fi is the best equipped to deal with emotions. Because they will allow the person to feel the emotions, regardless of validity. They accept all the spectrum of emotions, and realize that negative emotions are not necessarily bad, they are just natural. They will not try to fix, unless Te gets in the way.
The second best is Fe, but Fe will be more like, negative emotions? We can't have that. Let me make you feel better, via trying to modify how you feel.
Te will be like, what is the problem that is causing the emotion? Let me fix it for you then, or tell you how to fix it. Without the problem, the negative emotion will go away... right?
And then you have Ti... which will be like, I will determine whether that feeling is valid or not. And if it is, I will let Fe take the reigns, for now.
Overly simplified, but I think it is accurate to a certain extent.
"What's up guys? Quick disclaimer: this video is gonna be heavy with F..."
Entj: Okay then, not for me, might as well just skip...
"That's right Te users, you're not exempt from this message, don't go anywhere"
Entj:... shoot. *felt somewhat challenged *
Can we just be amazed the fact that Kristin has a T-shirt that says "ESFP". I'm so happy for you!! **while at the same time as an INFJ so jealous of you and everyone else have such an amazing life than mine 🙂🤣🤣😭
I love it when Kristin gets real in videos. A good balance of informative and still humorous so it doesn't become a downer despite being a somewhat heavy topic.
this video should be on youtube trending page forever
First thought when I read the title of the video: "Oh gosh, oh no, ok ok, but it's dear kristin so I'm gonna watch it anyway" (ISTJ here)
Very true. 😏 ~INTJ
[furiously jots down everything] thank you, good soul.
"I really APPRECIATE your VULNERABILITY"
ENTJ mimicking Luke Skywalker in SWV: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
As an ENTP with blind spot Fi… this is exceptionally helpful, thank you Kristin 😅😅
Also, I’m a thinker who made it to the end of the video :)
Yeah ENTP here too. I really don't know where and how to even start. To truly get good at this I'd need to be a different type, I die if I can't say the truth lol
@@purvabriesmonic One of my favourite quotes ever is “Compassion without truth is a jerk move. And truth without compassion… is also a jerk move.” You don’t have to lie to learn how to be more compassionate… leastways that’s what I’m experimenting with 🤞🏻
@@tatyannafrancis9935 Nice quote :)
"Don't make jokes", "don't be distracted", "don't talk about stuff"...as an ENFP this mission seems impossible... especially since we are Fi which makes talking about feelings a quite uncomfortable situation to begin with most of the time....
As an ENFP I agree. Maybe it’s just my issue but find it difficult to empathize with others’ emotions and naturally want to trivialize/judge someone who is “argumentative”, “over sensitive”, “selfish”. That’s less about on the being distracted side but being compassionate and patient is definitely something I need to work on.
I like the “use ‘at the same time’ instead of ‘but’” advice. That was a gem.
I watched to the end.
To constantly put that much effort to communicate does not sound doable for me but I will consider delivering some of my messages in the way others will “hear” better.
(ISTP)
Thank you for using your platform to promote this!
3:34
Me: “oh I was thinking how to validate someone’s feelings over text…”
ISTP here, I made it to the end lol. Thank you, that was really helpful.
Knowing what to say or how to respond was the blind spot for me, I really care about people, I just don't know how to show it openly.
Ugh that last word made me cringe 😆
Great video! Even I as an INTP can understand what you are trying to say and how much sense it makes.
Maybe I should re-watch this video daily, until I've internalized all the good advice you're giving there.
I'm finally getting around to your Fi series. I'm glad you have this outlet. :)
ENTP here. The question isn't *how*. It's *why*.
Absolutely made it to the end...it was exactly what I was looking for and i have almost two pages of notes!
Thank you for this! I’m a thinker who made it to the end, watched it numerous times, and made notes.
I am an NT who made it to the end of this video. It was very helpful, and it confirms some of my feelings and suspicions about how emotional validation should go. Thanks, Kristin.
Of course I made it to the end of the video as a thinker. This is great advice after all, especially for us. As a Ti and Se user I really appreciate the inclusion of those concrete practical examples and the structured approach to handling an emotional situation. Being able to apply those in real life is a completely different story however …
By the way, this feels like a nice complementary video to Heidi Priebe's videos about navigating conflict in regards to the different attachment styles (and her videos about attachment styles in general).
ENTP here:
This is the exact video I needed to today. I watched it last week but it only became relevant to me again today. My colleague lost her grandmother and I felt I'll equipped to help her deal with the situation. I only told her that she should take all the time she needed and if she she wanted to talk I would be there. I don't know if that was enough. I've always felt ill equipped when handling "negative" emotions. Thank you for the video, I know now what I could do better in the future.
Hello! I'm an INTP and I made it all the way through until she said thank you for watching! I've been trying to engage with my friends' deeper emotions and letting them know that I'm here for them if they want to talk about anything. This was a really nice video to break it down and spell out some things to say and to definitely not say lol. "You're so dramatic" was something I grew up hearing many many times from my sister and no one ever told her off for it--not even my ENFJ mom :D I also like what you said about asking directly if they want advice or if they want a pity party. Trying to read their mind doesn't make the interaction more meaningful, NFJs haha. My attitude toward that topic is that giving advice is how to show that I care and want to remedy their suffering. It feels to me like if I don't give them advice, I'm abandoning them and leaving them to rot in their crappy situation. However, I know that it's not important that I understand why they want what they want from me (although as an INTP, I assume if they're talking to me about a problem, they want to solve it because why would they talk to ME if they didn't want a solution lol) and I should learn how to just listen without contributing anything if that's what they want. They don't need a reason to want or not want anything.
I would like to see a flip side of this video, which would be how to open up about your feelings and maybe how to find a trustworthy person who might do a few of the things in this video. When listening to other people talk about their feelings, I always feel like saying how I feel automatically dismisses what they're feeling, and I don't want to do that if they're my friend (I'll work on expanding that to include if they're saying how they feel at all but one thing at a time), and I feel like I can't talk about my problems to someone who has it worse than I do, which is most people, honestly.
If you've read all of this, go outside, drink some water, and stretch your neck.
This feels like an instruction manual for Fs to Ts. As a T, I appreciate this.
And yes, I made it to the end :)
Thank you! That's been really helpful and validating! I'm an ENTP but i worked hard to develop my tert Fe and I must say I used most of these tips already, I managed to just figure it out by trial and error and thinking how I wish people responded to me. :D. But I was still missing the "going deeper into feelings" bit, cause usually after initially hearing the person out I would try to understand the issue at hand in a more complete way than the depth of emotion. So I will use these phrases you proposed about helping the person express that depth and for myself to listen to this better. I usually listen to a person vent in the first part and then ask whether they want for me to comfort them or should I give solutions. Even when they say this is just comfort, at the end when they feel better they usually end up asking what they should do so we get to analyse the situation anyways. Makes us both happy, really. But these phrases to never say physically hurt me cause of my god every single one my parents would say... And then my mom would also tell these mega tangential stories and about her feelings even if this wasn't even an issue involving her at all. Lmao. So this is why I tried so hard to learn to handle these things well so that nobody I care about will feel like me back then... :C
My favorite "thinker" phrases for validation are "This is very understandable" or "it is natural to feel X way in such situation" or I even found people actually being perceptive to Ti-isms such as rationalising how their feelings are valid bc of objective reasons when this person is putting themselves down, doubting themselves etc. Like when people have unhealthy beliefs such as not believing they can ever succeed etc - me presenting to them how this is a claim with no ground to stand on, it does not hold up logically and reminding them of challenges they had managed to overcome before that which prove they are capable. Ofc I do this after purely emotional validation. But if they have the emotional and logical kind, it's like handing them this dual weapon to fight such harmful belief with. :D
When “Thinking Thursday” for us unfeeling robots?
Using open body language and maintaining eye contact are two things that I personally need to work on myself. I just don’t think about these things at all when I’m interacting with people. It’s kind of like I’m not interacting with you so much as your headspace sometimes.
I love you embracing the spongebob fish guy thing! 💚❤ Even though I'm a feeler (INFP) I still found this video really helpful.
Outstanding video. Very thorough and insightful
As an ENTJ, I also made it to the end! I have figured some of this out myself, but I do love the step-by-step format of this SO much.
I'm a thinker and made it to the end of this video. I am very interested in emotions and think about them in a logical way. So, thank you for a logical based approach, it made a lot of sense. For me it's about applying the right formula based approach for solving a problem in a given situation. And, I think that getting good at understanding emotions and being in tune with them in other people and in ourselves is paramount to leading a healthy. You summed validation up perfectly. 😊
This is for me the most helpful video I have watched since the beginning of this year, thanks alot!
-Some INTP
INTP, I made to the end 1st go. At the same time, I will need to watch this many times over to get it load correctly to my main frame. The more I watch people like you Kristin, the more I am learning which is good thing, so I can become a better INTP. By the way this is a great idea, with understanding the deeper parts of the MBTI's.
Okay, I made it to the end of the video and it was painfully hard.
It took forever to end it cuz I felt like pausing it to comment at least 20 times, what is a horrible thing for someone that is trying to be a better ~listener~.
Whats annoys me the most is that nothing Kristin said in this video is new for me. I saw myself saying those things as a perfect listener hundreds of times... times when I didn't really care.
It is so easy to know what to say to make someone trust you when you're not actually being affected by them.
But when the other's emotions are coming at you, hitting you like a truck... I need to DO something, need to SAY something, gotta FIX IT as fast as possible...
If I stay silent, for me it's like becoming the actress again, acting like I don't care. And it kills me, makes me feel bad.
It made me realize even when I am trully worried about the other's feelings, my first instinct is do what I have to do to prevent ME from getting my own feelings hit.
And that's... incredibly selfish.
I'm an ISFP who naturally does all of these things without realising. I am honestly amazed to see how well you've laid these out in an organised way. I think I would have trouble doing the same. I guess the parent function is the more responsible one. Very insightful to have my actions be put into words. Thank you.
Te Dom here. Thank you very much for this wonderful lesson about feelings. I'm trying my best to be more compassionate and care for the people I care about. Again thank you, I appreciate your help. 🙂
INTP here, also made through to the end of your excellent advice. Actually, the beginning of the video was fairly familiar to me...I often find myself in these situations where my friends "vent" their problems to me. I see other INTPs commenting too. Listening to others is more of a Fe thing maybe? ;) The latter part of the video I will watch again and again, for it is more difficult for me when I'm involved myself. So good phrases, I'll try these in future. Thank you, Kristin!
Came for the funny skits and amazing acting; stayed for the self-improvement. Thanks - local ISTP
This is an incredible video. Anyone who is concerned about someone and wants to help but isn't sure how should watch this.
Thank you for watching, Maggie!
Thank you. You helped me understand what my mother has been trying to find a way to express. We're about to have to temporarily move her out of the house while workers fix water damage. She keeps threatening to stop them. I now know she's just trying to say that she's afraid it will be hard for her. So instead of automatically laying in to her, I'm going to try to get her to talk more about those feelings so she feels heard and validated. Again, thank you for this episode.
Thank you for this, this is a super helpful video
I am an INTP and I needed this. 😅
You really do a great job portraying the different personalities. I'd like to know how I can understand them as well as you. Please make a video explaining your method of understanding the different preferred cognitive stacks in a specific mbti and how they work together or against each other in given situations.
PUT THIS IN THE EDUCATION SYSTEM 😢❤
I really appreciate all the clear examples in each section!! I do believe that with the specific and easily adopted examples, informative focus, creating the space to learn without feeling judged, *maybe* some Thinkers will make it through!! 😅 🤣
I also appreciate that you kept it under 16 minutes! If you haven't made one already, a condensed version (pointing to this one for details) *might* grab folks who typically wouldn't click on anything longer than 5 minutes. 😅
“I have decided to make a video about it.”
Nintendo Switch ad plays
Thank you. Will remember this and apply.
I'm a thinker and made it to the end. thanks!
ENTJ - made it to the end. I love this stuff and I really appreciate the video. Please make more like this!
INFP. Listening is my superpower.
I'm a T, making it to the end of this video! Your videos are always great.
Currently reading Jung's description of personality types. Fi in that context has very little to do with emotions. But rather it's a decision making orientation along with thinking, on how one processes their subjective view of the world. Fi is actually very problematic, with high neuroticism, in that so much is not expressed, and is hidden instead. Ti, alternatively, is far more openly expressed. With whatever ramifications that may follow from that.
Not just thinkers need to develop this, feelers do too. Sometimes we are too fixated on our own emotions we can't handle other's emotions, especially when our feelings are at odds in the moment. Which is why it's important to not let it get to that point, by validating each other's feelings when the conflict hasn't built up too much yet.
I'm INFP and have been developing my Te because I'm tired of repeating the same patterns, but I find that upholding my Te has led to stifling of Fi, in my brother's words I sound "hard and cold" and it's alienating. I've also invalidated his feelings multiple times and I always feel bad afterwards.
You'd both feel better if you withhold your urge to fix the problem, just sit with the discomfort of the emotion that's making you want to fix it, be honest and acknowledge that emotion. You're basically just uncomfortable with that part of yourself. The compulsion to fix will still be there, maybe we can direct it towards making ourselves more comfortable with those emotions that we avoid?
Thinkers need to be careful not to act like sociopaths, and Feelers need to be careful not to act like narcissists.
I never realized that interrupting part way through could make someone feel like their feelings aren’t valid… that explains so, so much about why I really hate talking about my feelings with certain people… eye opening….
On the flip side, having had those experiences growing up and naturally having a bit of a tendency to want to help others emotionally, I’ve been trying to not repeat those same habits that have made me feel hurt before when trying to help others. I’m surprised that I’ve been mostly on the right track over the years tbh, as I’ve matured I think I’ve obviously gotten better at reading people and making them feel comfortable and learning how to respond so they understand that I understand or that I want to understand.
Granted, I think I don’t always share my personal experiences at the right time 😅 gotta remember to wait until they’re all the way done before doing so…
Still that was super interesting, didn’t expect to have the dots suddenly connect on my childhood like that lol. Thanks Kristin!
Out of curiosity, are you an xNFP? Also I love this comment and I can personally relate to it a ton :))
@@sophiaredwood5825 yes I am haha very much so. Infp to be exact
@@xuananator Bahahaha you have the vibe :)) ENFP here!! 🤩💞
@@sophiaredwood5825 lol true true
Great, great video!
Me as a Te user:
'Well, this video will show me how to calibrate myself to assist on emotional external situations. Let's take a look".
I made it to the end painlessly. :p
Props for distilling those seven points at the end. Thanks Kristin.
What's the history behind the nickname?
My thoughts exactly ~ENTJ
the way you communicate, ah! ❤❤
This was very insightful.
i'm an ENTP who struggles with my Fe. thank you so much for this, very well-made and easy to follow along whilst not being boring.
while this video is targeted more towards Thinkers, it is also somewhat comforting my 2nd Fe because recently there was a serious situation with my close friend and I felt guilty that I didn't respond properly and could've done better or how I could've prevented it, and I was a complete wreck for a few weeks because of the shock and guilt, but after watching this video I think I did some things right and overall not too terrible. I am envious of Fe doms who just know exactly what to say when dealing with other's issues.
this was rly helpful!!
I'm a thinker (INTJ) who always will make it to the end of every single video you share with us around here, because I know whatever you bring out will be useful or really funny (most of the time both)
Actually I would like more content like this, so I can learn and understand better. Ty
Advice from an INTJ: Do not judge or try to fix them. And do listen to what they say, what they actually say.
But ... BUT .... (sigh) ... fine. :)
WOW That’s a lot of information!
I made it through! I can't say it wasn't hard to watch, though. It's really making me see just how bad my Trickster Fe really is. 😬 I can already tell that this series is going to be very helpful in growing that part of me. I have to say that I think there are times for using some of the phrases you recommended avoiding in response to someone's vent, although I agree that often they just worsen the situation. Maybe that's just Te rearing its ugly head, though. Lol. Anyway, thanks for this wholesome video, Krispykins! May we see many more.
I'm an INTP and I made it through the end of the video in my insatiable thirst for knowledge! But it was really good, I'll use it as a guide to follow on how to treat my F friends, tysm 💙💙💙
omg I laughed so hard at that sequence with the nonchalant fish 😂👍
I don't know if this has anything to do with being an ISFP, but I'm very much a listener. I just seem to be geared toward listening to what somebody has to say about what's going on in their life or what's on their mind, whether it's my best friend, my mom, or just a friendly acquaintance. I'm not a talkative person and I generally prefer to have other people tell me about themselves.
My ISFP friend is the same :)
Same! I'm used to strangers telling me deeply personal stories 😂
Yes, this video isn't aimed at us ISFPs. We are probably better listeners than the INFJs, because we are not trying to get some kind of Fe contribution from the other party. We just let people be, and give them the space to talk.
I AM a thinker who made it to the end of this video.
I find it helpful to remember that feelings do not care about facts. They simply are what they are.
That said, I ALSO find it useful to ask myself "do I think this feeling is sufficiently connected to reality in order to justify taking any actions."
I'm a "thinker" (INTJ) who made it to the end of the video. It's funny how I actually learned to do a lot of these things organically over time through my interactions with more "feeling" types. It got to the point where I did a cognitive functions test that showed that my Fi is basically on par with my Te.
I'll definitely recommend for all Thinkers to make an active investment in understanding their emotions and those of others. I really helps balance out their understanding of, and approach to things.
I wish schools would teach a curriculum based on this from about 3rd grade up (usually when kids start getting "clicky"). The world would be way better. That, and teaching about making committments, honesty, and just general emotional intelligence
This videos are that little aproches moments toward your favourites tubers and their thougths ❤ krispykins 😂😂
Fi-days on Friday!! Tremendous :)
It's Friday, Friday 🎶🎶