Thxs for sharing! Imo I believe the term "narcissist" gets throw around way too much. I think narcissism is tied to [percieved] societal Power. And what people are willing to do for [that] Power determines their position in the [predetermined ] hierarchy. Many people parasite to these Power-positions, then throw labels around when "Their" schemes for power acquisition fail. Ateotd- create the best version of yourself. Live and let live👌
I'm so scared of attracting the same pattern over and over especially our parents pattern that is so scary for me and I feel we go through it without noticing that we are on the same toxic pattern because it's the thing that we are familiar too even if we hate it you know ..so can you please do a video for that ..thank you ❤
I am an empath and I take care of everyone else but myself. I’m in my 50’s and I finally decided to leave my house for my health and happiness. I am so overwhelmed and frustrated with everything but I’m going to get through this with an attitude of a lioness. My heart is growing and I feel brave! Let go and grow! Thank you Kati you have been a wonderful friend and gift to me
Some red flags I've noticed are sprinkles of verbal or mental abuse disguised as a joke or not in/from the beginning. Those things based on something that may be a weakness to you. If they are, it will/ could hurt you. If they are not, you will pick up on it. Also, they are very argumentative. They will try and twist something, so you'll come back with anything... They want to see you squirm with a, "that's not true,..." type reaction. Don't fall for it. Just ignore them. Don't stick around for it. Being a single mother, I sense they look for that, because often times we are somewhat isolated and maybe struggling -- they see this as a weakness and someone they think is easy prey.
Number one: you were abused as a child and the PTSD from that abuse causes deeply engraved changes in the brain that cause us to seek out abuse as an adult.
@@candaceion9622 I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel. I focus on my pain, The only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything. What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know Goes away in the end. You could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of shit, Upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know Goes away in the end. And you could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down I will make you hurt. If I could start again, A million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way. ua-cam.com/video/OvoTktdpIiI/v-deo.html
Stuck in CPTSD - Repetition Compulsion. Attracted to what's familiar - Unavailable, abusive people going back to our childhoods of Unresolved/Unmet needs from Parent(s)/Caregivers - Codependency.
Having had a narcissistic mother, I learned that the fee to staying in her orbit was to be selfless and subservient. This extended into adulthood and to friendships with other women where I became an on-call therapist. Once I realized that these friendships were one-sided, I left and would suggest that others do the same. Loneliness is not being alone. That's the solitude we need to develop ourselves. Loneliness is being in a relationship with someone who doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings and desires. Leaving on any level might be scary at first, but it's worth it in the end. Thank you for your helpful channel, Katie.
48 years and I finally decided ENOUGH! It’s so freighting but also empowering. Those who love us will always encourage our decisions and those who don’t will discourage them. Pay attention
The truth is you're really leaving the original parents/caretakers who never gave a damn about you in the first place. Facing and grieving that loss is very painful - dying to the Codependency that originated from the Trauma of being abandoned by these people. Like John Bradshaw said in his book "Healing the Shame that Binds You" "We have to leave home in order to heal the Shame from the abuse and abandonment by the most important people of our lives." I agree with him - makes total sense.
Yup, would have worded it slightly differently but it is the same thing. We develop Workarounds as kids, ways to mollify the creatures ego often automatically and quickly because we have ĺives too more and more as we get older. We can anticipate the pathetic drama and have the right comments or actions at the right time. We are then "rewarded" with enough head space to get our things done. Other narcissists home in on people who do Workarounds, it's like sweet nectar to them. We have to learn to let people fall on their own butt's, get through their own consequences without mollifying them or have a life of cling ons over and over.
I was raised by a narcissist and then fell into a cult led by a narcissist as soon I left home at the age of 18. This video is on point ! I’m still recovering from leaving the cult just 3 years ago .
Hi👋 I was wondering what is the name of thet Cult How are you coping now after leaving the cult three years ago ? How did you get out / leave the corrupt cold callous cult! Good 4 you ! Wow ! 👌 ✌ ☮ ❤ Dsnica I believe in you to change only need be for you can o nly & chqnge and heal thyvwouned wounds 😊 ❤ by watching all these self explanatory videos on marciism abuse! Thanks ! ✌ ☮ ❤ Danica
This is interesting. I've come to realize that growing up in a narcissistic family system is very similar to a cult and will do the same things if you try to leave that family system is if someone were trying to leave a cult. It can also be considered that like we were set up to be groomed and love bombed
I grew up wit a narcissist Mother, and then ended up in a 17 year relationship with a narcissist who ended up abusing me, physically and emotionally. My therapist said the same thing, It's about the brain finding a dynamic that felt familiar and "comfortable". in other words, what I had been used to. I'm so scared of real commitments now, i worry I will end up in a another similar relationship.
I am so sorry.. it can be incredibly hard to break those patterns, but I hope by working with your therapist you can heal and find a healthy and happy relationship :) xxoo
I have noticed that when I ghosted people .it was my gut telling me they were narcs and to stay away. In retrospect all those gut feelings were totally on the mark. Instead of feeling bad about them, or feeling guilty about them, my new perspective is to trust them. My attitude now is: one red flag and I am out. Now it possible some calibration is required. My narc-dar might be overly sensitive. I hope I am not dropping good people. im just 17 tho so I think I have a lot to learn
One piece of advice, don't go after older people, if an older person is going after someone much younger than them they are very likely going to take advantage of you in some way.
Wow you're a head of the curve. I'm 32 and just now discovering narcissistic abuse. I wish I knew this at your age, I wouldn't have made so many stupid mistakes.
Honestly sometimes it’s just best to not overthink and not over analyze because overthink can ruin a lot unless you truly are unhappy with that person than why keep them
You are way ahead of the game by even understanding what a narcissist is and that many are out there. Keep learning as much as you can about them. ONE red flag is not necessarily indicative of a narcissist. Anyone can make a mistake. But if you see many red flags, don’t ignore them. Trust your head over your heart or sex organ. Your head/gut feeling will very rarely steer you wrong.
Narcissists are excellent at acting. They get people by their charm and performance. It can leave you feeling confused because they are so innocent in playing victim and pointing you as the abuser. Don't fall for it!💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Actually they are pretty bad actors once you see the pattern, but they are good at sensing needs, especially the deep ones. And they cater to those needs, whatever it is. Once they have you hooked you think their acting is good.
I became codependent as a result of being placed in the surrogate spouse role by my mom. I have found over the years that I let many people take advantage of me and treat me like crap because I didn’t have any boundaries. I never realized that I was allowed to have them and that this treatment was wrong. It’s been a massive struggle to be able to trust others as I don’t want to be hurt in the same ways again. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the covert incest abuse for about 7 years now and am still peeling back the onion with respect to its effects. I honestly have no desire for an intimate relationship as closeness still feels violating to me. It’s almost like a ptsd like response that I can’t help. It’s all good though, bc I’m grateful that I’m able to take care of myself and do my own thing. There’s nothing wrong with being single.
I like how she mentioned feeling uncomfortable with partners, and to embrace it. I think that's a major key. In the end, we can watch these videos and feel better for blaming that person (not that Kati is doing that, just that's how some people can feel), in the end it's on us to improve our selves. And this ends up setting us up toward better people.
I have 2 narc siblings…..and have been several female narc friendships…..thanks to covid & a few yrs of healing I’ve been able to rid myself of these toxic people ….ty Katie 🌸🌸
A few years ago when I was 17-18 I dated a narcissist. I knew he was mean and that I was miserable but I didn't realize what was really going on until after I broke up with him and saw an article online about narcissists and was like oh my gosh that's him. He seemed so nice and caring and he was around 10 years older than me and had a decent job and his own place and so I thought he was great at first. He was not great.
First of all I would tell to anyone trying to get out of a relationship with narcs to create a relationship with yourself, to me that was the key and most powerful tool to get out and stay out of said relationship, you must be so strong emotionally and reconcile with yourself, forgive yourself and do this because you know you deserve better and even if you think you don't deserve better know that you do, it's your birth right and you are willing to make the right decisions for you, that's not selfish it's a life and death decision, do things alone that you like, journal, keep it private, have secrets you only share with yourself, do fun stuff on your own, give yourself love baths, talk to yourself with love, find new hobbies, learn to put boundaries, do self compassion meditations this helped me so much, honor your truth and stand up for yourself, re learn who you are discover what you want, what you like, what you don't and when you're at this point it will be soo much easier to get out and stay out without betraying yourself, loveyou anyone who is going through this know that its absolutely possible to get out, be kind to yourself and treat yourself with compassion you have been through so much, you deserve a happy life, if you don't fight for your rights no one will always with integrity but not letting anyone disrespect or mess with your head and your emotions, know your strengths and know your vulnerabilities and don't share it with just anyone, giving that kind of information to the wrong people is the first step in putting yourself in dangerous ugly situations that could ruin your life, define who deserves that kind of trust and how will you know they are integer enough to honor this, be your own hero/ shero
Omg when you said when our narcissist partner tells us that we are good enough fixes the wound of our narcissist parent never telling us we are good enough THAT HIT HOME SO HARD 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I find this so important to talk about. So many people get caught up in this. I learned the hard way. Took 5 years, but now I know what to avoid entirely. I thought I'd mention I also have BPD (i like to say I'm in recovery as I'm doing well after all my CBT & DBT & schema, over the years). I know it 's rather common for these 2 personalities to connect. IT's so toxic. I find the hardest part was to accept when it ended & then do the therapy to heal from it all. The moment you realize that it wasn't in your head & That your gutt feelings were right all along is such a relief. Love your videos ♡
My father is a narcissist and he stalked me for over two years after I left home. He would show up at my place at 5 in the morning, park outside my apartment and watch me. I eventually moved without telling him. I haven't spoken to him in several years.
Deception is something EMPATHS fall for almost every time. JUST because we WANT to believe does not make it so. And we are ridiculed for out wonderful outlook. But being both idealistic and savvy is really the key. You and other professionals for mental health remind me of this. Many, many thanks, Kati. You are a true blessing to me and the world. A lot of it, for me, is that you are very accepting of mistakes and are quick NOT to blame, which I am mired at the moment in because of the heap of responsibility I have had to carry all my life as the plucky empath forgiving and fixing all over the place. 🤓
Simplified but very accurate list of factors that can make you vulnerable to relationships with narcissists. I think the future faking is a big part of it, they will ask questions and figure out what your future goals are and create a fake future around it that they never intend to follow through with. I think this relates well to that point you mentioned about how one successful outcome can fix all that is wrong from your childhood or past. Only you can fix you, no one else can.
This video was awesome thank you. I think empathy is definitelyyyy one of the things narcissists seek out as well because they can’t empathize at all. Narcissistic abuse eventually feels like a drug and like you need your “fix” so you’ll do anything to get that attention from them.
The part about Codependency and sense of self, that "our dependency is actually on people feeling dependent on us" and being needed by others made so much sense. Thank you so much for your videos.
Thank you for doing this video. A lot of your videos have helped me in the past and my friends. I left to very tough relationship last night. This video help me understand why my mind was so foggy. Again, thank you for all you do.
Excellent points you have made! A common misconception is that narcissists are always arrogant, haughty or showy which I believe has gotten me stuck in this kind of relationship.
My father was a narcissist, I was always was seeking his approval. He was hell on my mother, my older brother has so many of his tendencies. I live with the things he said to me and the way I was personally treated to this day.
Because childhood abuse programmed us to accept shit, that's our normal. Even when someone treats us badly, we think did something to invite this. It takes a lot of self-awareness n de-programing ti change our ingrained patterns of accepting crappy behavior😥
i can relate to every single sentence you said. it's true that we unconsciously play out the same pattern from our childhood, we don't realize this until we make it concious. i had my first awakening few years ago and suddenly i could see it very clearly that all connection i had (or have) with guys is mirroring on my emotionally unavailable parents. i remember when i met that gaslighter, i told myself, "well, he's like my father, he's patient" but then later on, i realized that i misinterpreted "emotionally unavailable" as patient. bcs he seemed like didn't give a crap when i said that i felt hurt by his "jokes". he called me too sensitive but when i did the same, he called me rude. for more than ten years, i fell into this trap. but not anymore, as i'm walking out from this relationship. btw, i have bpd traits and mood disorder, i had no strong sense of self/identity disturbance, i felt as if i had multiple of personalities. so this also could manifest as someone who acts differently in public and behind a closed door. but the thing is, i NEVER wanted or want to take advantage from others. it's all done unconsciously. sometimes, i have my sassy-self, people called me I'm being too serious, overly critical, but other time I'd be very playful, i got some compliments for being funny, witty, and smart. I didn't know who i am or what i wanted, it's awfully confusing in my head. Even i can identify myself as frayromantic and lithromantic, all the feelings i had for other people, it would change drastically. from outsider perspective, they might see me as being a jerk but to me, it feels like confusion. it's like, i know i want a vanilla cake, my eyes see vanilla cake, but when i put it in my mouth, it doesn't taste like it. so i spit it out (discarding). now, my strategy is, putting all my cards out there, so they know what they're dealing with. also i make a list of things i really really want in a partner/friend, and stick with it, so i can see myself and people in reality, not in my fantasy (idealization), and not coming from desperation (codependency/fear to be alone).
Thank you for this video I’m currently going through this and 7 years later I’m finding the strength to finally leave and be free. I need true happiness & he’s broken my spirit so many times enough is enough
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister. Because my childhood wasn't ideal and I did not know how is supposed to look like a healthy relationship, I did not know that there is a problem. I read a book about unavailable immature parents and discovered that my mom wasn't the hero I thought but again, because I never discussed this before. Then I started taking therapy and I started trying to identify which type of partners I am likely to attract and couldn't find any pattern until one of the guys I dated and then I started putting everything together. I did not know that I am a people pleaser, when I looked it up it did not ring a bell but I kept insisting and discovered that I am a people pleaser and that I was raised by a narcissist mother. What is helping me now is to always try to discover what I want and when I dedicate to what I want, that is when I notice who is helping me and how and who doesn't and becomes envious or try to sabotage me.
Do you ever get the chance to give lectures either in a high school or college setting on this subject?, your knowledge and understanding could heal many wounds and save a great many lives. Just incredible!!
Yes! Covert narcs keep their bad traits in check! He never berated me but did make fun and teased me in front of my kids which in turn made them tease me. He was gaslight me but never put me down. He would project but very carefully. Love bomb me and got me addicted to him in the beginning but never let me go, just kept showering me with compliments to where I was needing them and lost my sense of self esteem from others places and only got it from him. I was entranced by him. Breadcrumb if me when he didn’t need anything from me but love bombing me when he needed to borrow money. I kept falling for it and him over and over. The the final thing was the love bombing and getting me hooked one last time so he could rob me of thousands of dollars. I told him I know it was him but he says it’s not his truth but my truth. That’s his narcissistic answer for everything. Not his truth. Well duh, he doesn’t want to face accountability so he’s not going to attach himself to THE ACTUAL TRUTH.
In my case it was lack of knowledge about NPD. I had no clue of what is NPD. Now I understand that my mother had the trait of a toxic narc, and I have 2 brothers who I believe are narc. Thank you for sharing your video it's educational and informative. ❤
9 years with her just pay attention to the red flags I wish now I would’ve took them more seriously I was at home watching her handicapped son she trained me to watch while she was out cheating I am still trying to get over it thank you for the videos .
Thanks very much for your words of wisdom, Kati! My attraction is rooted in family dynamics by having a narcissistic father. I feel sad that I can't yet have healthy relationships, and I'm 68 years old! I went 10 YEARS without a relationship before this most recent experience. And then I DID IT AGAIN! But I think I recognized all the signs much earlier than I would have in the past!!
Your videos are so informative and respectful. You're good at explaining complicated topics in a way I can understand. Thank you so much. Hi from Australia 🇦🇺 xx
You always hear how childhood wounds create inclinations / wiring but for some reason your video really made me think about my relationship w my mom. Add in your point that we are always trying to be needed (co-dependent); that reminded me of how my mom both put me down and praised me. She wanted me to take care of her emotions but also made me feel not good enough. Those two points somehow made me connect some dots w what I just did in my last relationship: want to get back to praise (equating that w love) and also my ex's subtle criticisms (she's covert) made me try harder and feel good when I pleased her bc I thought it was helping her (white knight syndrome?)...anyway thinking about that in relation to my mom is helpful: she didn't want me to have interests beyond a quiet 3 year (once told me she wished she could freeze me at 3), was all about herself and needed validation / got frustrated when I didn't "behave" and give it, and yet I would also strive to achieve so she would be proud. Your talk has been helpful. Thank you.
I went from a grandiose narcissist who was a terrible partner and mother,to a covert narcissist which I thought at the time was the exact opposite of my grandiose narcissist,turned out the 2 of them lied cheated deceived and stole everything of me,I attract these demon's,I wouldn't no were to start on finding someone with morals and empathy after these to demon's,great video 🌹
New to your channel. I love your videos. I am a licensed counselor and RN, 35+ years in the field, but I am learning so much from your videos. Thanks Kati.
Wow Katie. so grateful for all your videos. You are an amazing communicator. I have been trying to work on myself for years and struggling to leave a really toxic relationship. Trying to see my part in all of this. I'm doing all the hard work and he's doing what he does best which is to be the narcissist! Hate that word co-dependant, and have struggled to own it because I'm the "strong one in the relationship and holding everything together", not dependent on anyone! Hah Hah!! but now I get my enabling and my need to manage his moods to protect my own. light bulb moment! Thank you. Tips to avoid falling for the next narcissist waiting round the corner- do the hard work of getting healthy then hopefully we will attract healthy kind people.
So I have ADHD, and I childhood trauma. Due to this for many years - yall can imagine the types of folks Id get involved with - and all the red flags Id miss from being all in my feelings. I learned one does not need to stop enjoying those feelings - so long as one is able to understand their feelings - and stay present. I have learned to enjoy whats happening in the moment - without getting into limerence (creating fantasies about a possible future - AKA becoming attached to the "outcome") No the difference between your hopes and whats actually happening. ONe can enjoy all the sensations of romance - wihout the heartbreak of expectation. Its a lot less stressfull.
I was raised by a narcissistic father. I am glad that i have a mother who us opposite to him, self sacrificing, caring for others, kind, compassionate, valuing others, loving, empathetic. I am proud of her. If she wasn't there i would also be a narcissistic. From early childhood i knew that this is the man who i don't want to be.
INFACTUATION Shallow thinking.. Empathy is to step into their shoes to discern their needs for Understanding to have new relationships. Sharing is CARING : GIVING OF YOUR SELVES. to feel warm fuzzy heart sensations. Warms it heart. Heart willingness.Peace. KEEP THE PEACE..
Wow!! That's the best description of codependency I've ever heard! 99% chance my father was/still is codependent. EDIT: The section from 4:07 to 6:40 is very relevant. Good to know that simply feeling uncomfortable around someone who's actually kind and caring if you had an abusive childhood isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I was fed whiskey w lots of sugar at 5yo by my grandfather who loved little girls a bit too much. 😢 in the chaotic home I felt calm. I found my new best friend at that age. He groomed and used me for years. He was a sick man who I’ve found more about over the years. What does this have to do w narcissistic behavior? Everything. He wanted and got exactly what he needed. No empathy or emotions over this little girl. To this day I just say my ‘picker’ is broken. The good guys go by the wayside while I look for what is familiar. They are abusive. I left my husband several months ago and this is a struggle living out of bags and boxes. But I’m grateful for a place to live, and hopefully can go over and get my things. Im so tired I will not go back to that and he has no idea where I’ve been. Full blown malignant narcissist. I ignored the red flags. And they were flying!!
In my last narcissistic relationship I had at least graduated to the point where I stated what I wanted (please call if you are going to be late or not show up, you need to actually be divorced before I'll feel comfortable dating you, etc) but I didn't actually follow through with what I was asking. He would say he would, but he didn't and I gave him HUNDREDS of chances instead of just leaving. The only positive I could see was that I didn't actually know the term narcissist until I dated him and from there I learned that my mother was a narcissist and every man I've ever been serious about was as well. I totally relate to the being swept off your feet and getting the compliments because I don't remember a single nice thing my mother ever said to me.
OMG, a lot of light bulbs just went off here, so insightful and relatable. I haven't heard these points explained before that made sense to me, I could've saved myself a fortune if I had this info earlier lol, thank you so much!!
My sister is married to one. And she’s isolated indeed. It’s hard to be there for her when it feels as though she has (unknowingly) replaced our relationship.
I am going through a rough time right now due to a recent breakup. The relationship from acquaintances to being a couple lasted over 3 years. The rough part is that I knew from the beginning that it was a bad idea for me to go further than being just friends and yet I allowed myself to do just that. And that makes me feel angry at myself but worse, I think, is that I also am angry at her. And that part I don't like. This person insisted on going from just being friends to being romantically involved. I felt very attracted to her but as I said I knew better. She disarmed me after I said to her that it would be best if we didn't continue as a couple because many factors were against us, so she just said: why don't you let me love you, because that's all I want to do. As I said, she disarmed me right there and then. Then almost two years later she is telling me that even though she loves me she knows I am not right for her because there are many things she wants to do that I don't want, which is precisely what I told her at the beginning as to why I thought we shouldn't go any further. I'm slowly getting back to where I was before this whole thing started, which is a good thing, but in the meantime, I feel miserably for the anger I feel at myself and towards her. Is that normal? If so, how long will it take til I no longer feel like that? If it isn't normal, what do I need to do to not feel that way? They say that nothing beats being in love. I say not so. I've known for quite some time now that at least to me having peace in your life, in both your mind and your 'heart' is the best. If the love you feel for someone takes away your peace better let it pass. I want my peace back. The sooner the better. By the way, I just realized thanks to this video that I am a card-carrying codependent type🤫
If a person is mentally strong and speaks up for themselves the narcissist will always back down. Why? There are two things that drive a narcissist: 1) an overly large and profound ego and 2) an overly low and profound tolerance to shame. I believe that as a person's ego begins to grow over time subconsciously their tolerance to shame also grows lower and lower. The reason for this is that the ego and shame work in conjunction with one another to keep one another from overpowering the other. In essence as an individual's ego increases their tolerance to shame will spiral down in the opposite direction. This explains why extreme narcissists and malignant narcissists have an extremely low tolerance to criticism and shame. Extreme narcissists and malignant narcissists are simply what Sigmund Freud termed as individuals who have let their "egos" develop into the "superego" stage. At the "superego" stage a person has almost zero (if not zero) tolerance for shame of any kind thus they are like ticking time bombs waiting to go off.... One cannot reason with narcissists at this level as their ability to think and reason logically is filtered by their profoundly large "superegos" and profoundly low tolerance to accept shame and criticism of any kind. A simple way of stating what an extreme narcissist is is that they are individuals who are truly mentally unbalanced and any contact with these highly toxic individuals will be extremely unpleasant and unpredictable.... BTW ~ Narcissists tend to herd those who are either mentally weaker than themselves or use their incessant repetitive lies to convert others to join their cult like following. Adolf Hitler was perhaps one the the greatest narcissists to ever walk this earth.
I keep going for men that are narcissistic it's like I'm addicted to the drama and rollercoaster it's mental I've pushed away nice guys that made it clear they liked me cause I felt it was weird and they were clingy but they were normal and healthy
After 4 years I'm starting to realize that the woman I'm in a relationship with is a narcissist. I identified with everything you said there. It basically described our relationship. Still, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm 35, she's 36, and it's my first deepest relationship. I can't see myself without her. The thought of losing her is too painful. I know I sound like a pussy saying that. I'm. We all have our limitations. I think it's good that narcissists exist. When no one else sees anything positive in you, narcissists at least see the potential for exploitation that you have. It's something. Better than being alone. And sometimes I get glimpses of the woman I fell in love with, seeing that for just a few moments is enough for me. It's those brief moments that make life worth living. Although nowadays I am able to identify all the red flags, I do not intend to end our relationship. But it's good to know these things, we know what to expect at least. In the first crises of the relationship it was very difficult, now I can deal with her better. But I really miss the early years of the relationship. As you said... Those were the days! It's interesting how narcissism is always talked about using the man as the narcissist, but it's important not to forget about narcissistic women and their relationships.
There are people out there where you don't have to wait for seeing glimpses of the person you fell in love with, because they are that most of the time
You’re not a pussy for feeling it’s too painful to lose her, but the truth is, you don’t have “her” and you never did; Not the women you fell in love with at least.
The line about narcs seeing the potential for exploitation in you is downright painful to read. I’m sorry your self esteem is this low that you find the only self-worth you have is knowing that you have something in you to exploit. In a positive way, you could say there is a loving part of you that they are taking advantage of, but it’s also due to this desperation for love and low self-esteem that you are accepting these crumbs to begin with. Even if you can’t see it now, the woman you love is mainly just an illusion they created in your mind, an introject of who they wanted you to believe them to be, who you needed them to be, not who really exists. & no, this isn’t what it feels like being with everybody, just people who create this fantasy to keep you hooked to this fantasy image of them during their very real abuse of you. I was in this type of relationship for years, I know how hard it is to let go. Even now an introject of a past NPD/BPD ex lives in my head, but the good news is, the physical one doesn’t. The slivers of love you feel, the tiny moments you live for where they show that loving self to you, is nothing but a tactic to keep you from leaving them and their abuse. If you choose to leave, you’ll open the door to real love, not an illusion of love dangled in front of you to make you endure their abuse for years to come (or until they discard you one day with no warning).
Good one! What I discovered... when in a new(ish) relationship, that it was not love, it's lust. Lust is the two sticks rubbed together to make the fire of love.... and it takes a long time of rubbing, and kindling, for the fires of true love to blossom, plenty of nurture, by both sides, equally. I've never had a narcissist tell me they loved me (except on a birthday card).... but they'd make sure the lust was intense when they needed a favor, or needed to draw me in more for other favors. As a younger man, I was quite the horn-dog. Manipulating me was super easy with lust bombing... I was clueless... living in a hormone driven, one-track-mind brain fog. There's a saying, . "A stiff dick has no conscience." ...and I'll add, "no conscious." I was oblivious as long as I was "getting some." I became a slave to these women.... it cost me so much of my time and money. I look at my present relationship. I'm old. The hor.mones have calmed down... but she's always kind, cooks, cleans, doesn't complain or keep score... Still, I see the relationship taking me away from my interests... and towards hers. Recently, I've been more assertive about this. Thanks for the reminder. ✌️
Very astute video. Very accurate but I have to add this: The Lord always warned me before I got in these very dangerous relationships. I was beaten, cheated on and nearly killed! God WARNED me but I didn't take heed. I'm listening now!
The lasting imprint of a narcistic parent on its young child effects in its difficulity, to discern clear between being the obedient object of the parent or a subject at the same time. Being object is the primary demand on the child, while being subject it has to give up instead. To be, or not to be (Hamletian dilemma).
People who think they deserve the best are the easy targets for narcissists. Both my aunt and niece gave much importance to showing off to other people, and both found two narcissistic men. Now both are suffering immensely. Sometimes you get what you want.
I love your colors Katy. For me they always back up what you are saying. To me they are helpful and inquisitive, kind a like a child learning... which I love. I love to learn like a child!! Thank you!!🤗 You feel like a great, big hug.
People are so susceptible to narcissists because there’s so little love in the world and I guess they know it’s something hard wired into us and something we crave on a daily basis: to just be accepted and appreciated for what’s standing right in front. Starting to think there are good and bad narcissists… But I can never right my wrongs unless I write them down for real, so p.s. ..
it's two things really 1. the inability to say no and walk away the first time our instincts go jumbly (probably because we don't trust our instincts and feel we dont' have the right to say no) and 2. we react with big, big emotions instead of letting things roll away and assholes really thrive on that I'm having a lot of success recognizing and working on the first thing. the second thing is so much harder for me. It's almost like I can't even control the volume of my emotions and even if I do nothing about them, I believe they absolutely can sense that like sharks in a chummy sea
Funny enough, as soon as codependency came up, i recognized it as my own relationships. In combination with low self esteem. Kinda....my worth depends on how well i make my partner feel and in return how i make myself feel. (Even though i know a narcissist thrives on my low self esteem) im working on it, but its a hard habbit to break
RED FLAG WARNING!! Never accept gifts from a Narc!! In the Beginning of my relationship with my Narcissist I was Love bombed and showered with gifts every time we were together. Things soon changed and things she had bought for me became conditional depending on her getting what she wanted and being happy. when she didn't get her way I was using her and owed her money for what she had gifted me. She would ask for or take back the things she had bought and then give them back when she was content. I started to refuse gifts, Dinners, Movies anything that she would offer. This boundary created new issues. You will never win with a Narcissist. Fallow your intuitive feelings, cut them out of your life completely.
I found that narcissist are highly manipulative, had several relationships and 2 marriages. My last partner ended up in jail because of her behavior. She still blames me or whoever is in the room for own crap! It’s just bizarre and my trust level will never be the same again. Thank you for the video
A narcissist is most insecure , so they must continually seek those Whom SEEM flamboyant; in their ways . This is what Feeds their ego , as to reiterate ; " hello bellow " Me ‼️.
I have found out that self-coaching and learning from others videos has helped me allot socially. I also allow myself to be vunerable sometimes. I quiet my willingness to categorize/pre-judge [imperfect] people; b/c of a fear of being hurt/disappointed.
What’s weird is that these are the people who have hoards of friends and get invited everywhere….and I can’t get a friend to save my life! Why is that?
Yes, a fake ones. They are just mirroring everyones behaviour in order to be accepted in society they aim to be with but all their friendships as well as relationships are very shallow. You can do it anytime if you just try to do that out of fun.
@@Katimorton yeah how it ended as I just basically blocked him every way possible. And there was no way for him to reach me and thankfully he doesn't really know where I live. But it was a problem for a while we used to go to school together. And we reconnected some years later. For a while it was okay. But I started to realize that pattern of behavior that just was not cool. And he didn't see it as a problem. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. They never do.
Victor Edgefield it is happening to me past 5 years Still going on . It’s my next door crazy neighbors. I know it’s them . I’ve changed my cell 5 times already they still hacking my iPhone .
I’m 32 and currently on the 2nd week of being in an exclusive relationship with who I am pretty sure is a narcissist. Fortunately, my relationship before him was my first time being with one and he was a master of his craft, as well as being a covert. 😂 Thanks to my ex, it’s so easy to figure these people out easily. Also, I can tell the new guy is still trying to perfect his “skills” I feel like I unlocked some special ability in a game that gives me the ability to make them reveal themselves without them noticing what I’m doing. I’m like an evolved form of your standard empath 😂 My spidey senses were tingling from the start but I wanted to make sure my intuition was still accurate in the feelings I sense when danger is around
What reason hit home the most for you? Do you have any other tips for avoiding these types of relationships? Please share! xoxo
Thxs for sharing!
Imo I believe the term "narcissist" gets throw around way too much.
I think narcissism is tied to [percieved] societal Power.
And what people are willing to do for [that] Power determines their position in the [predetermined ] hierarchy.
Many people parasite to these Power-positions, then throw labels around when "Their" schemes for power acquisition fail.
Ateotd- create the best version of yourself. Live and let live👌
I'm so scared of attracting the same pattern over and over especially our parents pattern that is so scary for me and I feel we go through it without noticing that we are on the same toxic pattern because it's the thing that we are familiar too even if we hate it you know ..so can you please do a video for that ..thank you ❤
I am an empath and I take care of everyone else but myself. I’m in my 50’s and I finally decided to leave my house for my health and happiness. I am so overwhelmed and frustrated with everything but I’m going to get through this with an attitude of a lioness. My heart is growing and I feel brave! Let go and grow! Thank you Kati you have been a wonderful friend and gift to me
I'm the narcissist..
Some red flags I've noticed are sprinkles of verbal or mental abuse disguised as a joke or not in/from the beginning. Those things based on something that may be a weakness to you. If they are, it will/ could hurt you. If they are not, you will pick up on it. Also, they are very argumentative. They will try and twist something, so you'll come back with anything... They want to see you squirm with a, "that's not true,..." type reaction. Don't fall for it. Just ignore them. Don't stick around for it. Being a single mother, I sense they look for that, because often times we are somewhat isolated and maybe struggling -- they see this as a weakness and someone they think is easy prey.
Number one: you were abused as a child and the PTSD from that abuse causes deeply engraved changes in the brain that cause us to seek out abuse as an adult.
Yes... unfortunately, we can seek out what's comfortable or "normal" to us. :( xoxo
Me, 100%
@@candaceion9622 I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel. I focus on my pain, The only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything. What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know Goes away in the end. You could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of shit, Upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know Goes away in the end. And you could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down I will make you hurt. If I could start again, A million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way.
ua-cam.com/video/OvoTktdpIiI/v-deo.html
@@yayhoo8848 love Nine inch nails
Stuck in CPTSD - Repetition Compulsion. Attracted to what's familiar - Unavailable, abusive people going back to our childhoods of Unresolved/Unmet needs from Parent(s)/Caregivers - Codependency.
Having had a narcissistic mother, I learned that the fee to staying in her orbit was to be selfless and subservient. This extended into adulthood and to friendships with other women where I became an on-call therapist. Once I realized that these friendships were one-sided, I left and would suggest that others do the same. Loneliness is not being alone. That's the solitude we need to develop ourselves. Loneliness is being in a relationship with someone who doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings and desires. Leaving on any level might be scary at first, but it's worth it in the end. Thank you for your helpful channel, Katie.
48 years and I finally decided ENOUGH! It’s so freighting but also empowering. Those who love us will always encourage our decisions and those who don’t will discourage them. Pay attention
It's crushing to know this about a parent. I'm going through my stag3s after realizing this and cutting my mom off.
The truth is you're really leaving the original parents/caretakers who never gave a damn about you in the first place. Facing and grieving that loss is very painful - dying to the Codependency that originated from the Trauma of being abandoned by these people. Like John Bradshaw said in his book "Healing the Shame that Binds You" "We have to leave home in order to heal the Shame from the abuse and abandonment by the most important people of our lives." I agree with him - makes total sense.
Well said.
Yup, would have worded it slightly differently but it is the same thing. We develop Workarounds as kids, ways to mollify the creatures ego often automatically and quickly because we have ĺives too more and more as we get older. We can anticipate the pathetic drama and have the right comments or actions at the right time. We are then "rewarded" with enough head space to get our things done. Other narcissists home in on people who do Workarounds, it's like sweet nectar to them. We have to learn to let people fall on their own butt's, get through their own consequences without mollifying them or have a life of cling ons over and over.
I was raised by a narcissist and then fell into a cult led by a narcissist as soon I left home at the age of 18. This video is on point ! I’m still recovering from leaving the cult just 3 years ago .
I am so sorry you went through all of that.. but glad you are on the path to recovering from it. xoxo
I feel your pain. I’ve gotten a lot of help from listening to Sam Vaknin on UA-cam. Sam isn’t warm n fuzzy more factual about the nuts and bolts.
@@leeboriack8054 thank you for the suggestion!
Hi👋 I was wondering what is the name of thet Cult How are you coping now after leaving the cult three years ago ? How did you get out / leave the corrupt cold callous cult! Good 4 you ! Wow ! 👌 ✌ ☮ ❤ Dsnica I believe in you to change only need be for you can o nly & chqnge and heal thyvwouned wounds 😊 ❤ by watching all these self explanatory videos on marciism abuse! Thanks ! ✌ ☮ ❤ Danica
This is interesting. I've come to realize that growing up in a narcissistic family system is very similar to a cult and will do the same things if you try to leave that family system is if someone were trying to leave a cult. It can also be considered that like we were set up to be groomed and love bombed
this isn't just with relationships... its with friendships too.
Yes
🎯❗
I grew up wit a narcissist Mother, and then ended up in a 17 year relationship with a narcissist who ended up abusing me, physically and emotionally. My therapist said the same thing, It's about the brain finding a dynamic that felt familiar and "comfortable". in other words, what I had been used to. I'm so scared of real commitments now, i worry I will end up in a another similar relationship.
I am so sorry.. it can be incredibly hard to break those patterns, but I hope by working with your therapist you can heal and find a healthy and happy relationship :) xxoo
Good luck You have to change ! ✌ love ❤ Danica
You deserve better than your narc mom and the abusive jackass!
I have noticed that when I ghosted people .it was my gut telling me they were narcs and to stay away. In retrospect all those gut feelings were totally on the mark. Instead of feeling bad about them, or feeling guilty about them, my new perspective is to trust them.
My attitude now is: one red flag and I am out.
Now it possible some calibration is required. My narc-dar might be overly sensitive. I hope I am not dropping good people. im just 17 tho so I think I have a lot to learn
One piece of advice, don't go after older people, if an older person is going after someone much younger than them they are very likely going to take advantage of you in some way.
Wow you're a head of the curve. I'm 32 and just now discovering narcissistic abuse. I wish I knew this at your age, I wouldn't have made so many stupid mistakes.
Honestly sometimes it’s just best to not overthink and not over analyze because overthink can ruin a lot unless you truly are unhappy with that person than why keep them
You are way ahead of the game by even understanding what a narcissist is and that many are out there. Keep learning as much as you can about them. ONE red flag is not necessarily indicative of a narcissist. Anyone can make a mistake. But if you see many red flags, don’t ignore them. Trust your head over your heart or sex organ. Your head/gut feeling will very rarely steer you wrong.
You want to be discerning. People make mistakes so don't get out of balance to deem them a narcissist.
Narcissists are excellent at acting. They get people by their charm and performance. It can leave you feeling confused because they are so innocent in playing victim and pointing you as the abuser. Don't fall for it!💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Actually they are pretty bad actors once you see the pattern, but they are good at sensing needs, especially the deep ones. And they cater to those needs, whatever it is. Once they have you hooked you think their acting is good.
@@TheNinnyfee facts.
@@TheNinnyfee yesss
I get real tired of people saying that Codependents seek out Narcissist. No one does that. We just overlook red flags or are unable to see them.
I became codependent as a result of being placed in the surrogate spouse role by my mom. I have found over the years that I let many people take advantage of me and treat me like crap because I didn’t have any boundaries. I never realized that I was allowed to have them and that this treatment was wrong. It’s been a massive struggle to be able to trust others as I don’t want to be hurt in the same ways again. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the covert incest abuse for about 7 years now and am still peeling back the onion with respect to its effects. I honestly have no desire for an intimate relationship as closeness still feels violating to me. It’s almost like a ptsd like response that I can’t help. It’s all good though, bc I’m grateful that I’m able to take care of myself and do my own thing. There’s nothing wrong with being single.
You sound like my husband. He seems repulsed by intimacy. How did you realize what was going on?
My dad once told me as a child "Would I have known you I would have married you"
I like how she mentioned feeling uncomfortable with partners, and to embrace it. I think that's a major key. In the end, we can watch these videos and feel better for blaming that person (not that Kati is doing that, just that's how some people can feel), in the end it's on us to improve our selves. And this ends up setting us up toward better people.
I reconned=cted with a classmate who liked knives and violence but said buh-buh before it was too late and he turned it on me.
I have 2 narc siblings…..and have been several female narc friendships…..thanks to covid & a few yrs of healing I’ve been able to rid myself of these toxic people ….ty Katie 🌸🌸
A few years ago when I was 17-18 I dated a narcissist. I knew he was mean and that I was miserable but I didn't realize what was really going on until after I broke up with him and saw an article online about narcissists and was like oh my gosh that's him. He seemed so nice and caring and he was around 10 years older than me and had a decent job and his own place and so I thought he was great at first. He was not great.
First of all I would tell to anyone trying to get out of a relationship with narcs to create a relationship with yourself, to me that was the key and most powerful tool to get out and stay out of said relationship, you must be so strong emotionally and reconcile with yourself, forgive yourself and do this because you know you deserve better and even if you think you don't deserve better know that you do, it's your birth right and you are willing to make the right decisions for you, that's not selfish it's a life and death decision, do things alone that you like, journal, keep it private, have secrets you only share with yourself, do fun stuff on your own, give yourself love baths, talk to yourself with love, find new hobbies, learn to put boundaries, do self compassion meditations this helped me so much, honor your truth and stand up for yourself, re learn who you are discover what you want, what you like, what you don't and when you're at this point it will be soo much easier to get out and stay out without betraying yourself, loveyou anyone who is going through this know that its absolutely possible to get out, be kind to yourself and treat yourself with compassion you have been through so much, you deserve a happy life, if you don't fight for your rights no one will always with integrity but not letting anyone disrespect or mess with your head and your emotions, know your strengths and know your vulnerabilities and don't share it with just anyone, giving that kind of information to the wrong people is the first step in putting yourself in dangerous ugly situations that could ruin your life, define who deserves that kind of trust and how will you know they are integer enough to honor this, be your own hero/ shero
Omg when you said when our narcissist partner tells us that we are good enough fixes the wound of our narcissist parent never telling us we are good enough THAT HIT HOME SO HARD 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
❤❤❤
I find this so important to talk about. So many people get caught up in this. I learned the hard way.
Took 5 years, but now I know what to avoid entirely. I thought I'd mention I also have BPD (i like to say I'm in recovery as I'm doing well after all my CBT & DBT & schema, over the years). I know it 's rather common for these 2 personalities to connect. IT's so toxic. I find the hardest part was to accept when it ended & then do the therapy to heal from it all. The moment you realize that it wasn't in your head & That your gutt feelings were right all along is such a relief.
Love your videos ♡
Katie is such a beast in psychology. So grateful I found her channeru ❤️🔥
@@Kitajewel Absolutely. She 's the best. Been following for couple of years as well. ♡
I
My father is a narcissist and he stalked me for over two years after I left home. He would show up at my place at 5 in the morning, park outside my apartment and watch me. I eventually moved without telling him. I haven't spoken to him in several years.
Jesus
thats beyond messed up. Its too common to hear some jilted lover do that, this tho ...
Pray for protection against his spying, much love
Deception is something EMPATHS fall for almost every time. JUST because we WANT to believe does not make it so. And we are ridiculed for out wonderful outlook. But being both idealistic and savvy is really the key. You and other professionals for mental health remind me of this. Many, many thanks, Kati. You are a true blessing to me and the world. A lot of it, for me, is that you are very accepting of mistakes and are quick NOT to blame, which I am mired at the moment in because of the heap of responsibility I have had to carry all my life as the plucky empath forgiving and fixing all over the place. 🤓
Simplified but very accurate list of factors that can make you vulnerable to relationships with narcissists. I think the future faking is a big part of it, they will ask questions and figure out what your future goals are and create a fake future around it that they never intend to follow through with. I think this relates well to that point you mentioned about how one successful outcome can fix all that is wrong from your childhood or past. Only you can fix you, no one else can.
Excellent video, Kati!
I could definitely relate to a lot of what you spoke about.
So glad it was helpful Nicole :) xoxo
The codependency Part has really hit me hard. I do that all the time and never realised it
This video was awesome thank you. I think empathy is definitelyyyy one of the things narcissists seek out as well because they can’t empathize at all. Narcissistic abuse eventually feels like a drug and like you need your “fix” so you’ll do anything to get that attention from them.
The part about Codependency and sense of self, that "our dependency is actually on people feeling dependent on us" and being needed by others made so much sense. Thank you so much for your videos.
Totally agree
Thank you for doing this video. A lot of your videos have helped me in the past and my friends. I left to very tough relationship last night. This video help me understand why my mind was so foggy. Again, thank you for all you do.
Excellent points you have made! A common misconception is that narcissists are always arrogant, haughty or showy which I believe has gotten me stuck in this kind of relationship.
True!!! Most are not like that at all!! Thank you so much for sharing, and I am so sorry you found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist :(
@@Katimorton Are you still going by DSM definitions or did you stop doing that a long time ago?
I’m done with the narcissist spirit! I’m on my spiritual journey. I am hoping to gain better discernment.
My father was a narcissist, I was always was seeking his approval. He was hell on my mother, my older brother has so many of his tendencies. I live with the things he said to me and the way I was personally treated to this day.
The part about codependency was a slap in the face because I acted just like that with an unhealthy person I was “friends” with. Lessons learned.
Because childhood abuse programmed us to accept shit, that's our normal. Even when someone treats us badly, we think did something to invite this. It takes a lot of self-awareness n de-programing ti change our ingrained patterns of accepting crappy behavior😥
You're really spot on with your videos, and you do a great job of articulating your topics in a way that people can truly understand. Well done!
Can’t take it anymore… nothing left to give 😔
i can relate to every single sentence you said. it's true that we unconsciously play out the same pattern from our childhood, we don't realize this until we make it concious. i had my first awakening few years ago and suddenly i could see it very clearly that all connection i had (or have) with guys is mirroring on my emotionally unavailable parents. i remember when i met that gaslighter, i told myself, "well, he's like my father, he's patient" but then later on, i realized that i misinterpreted "emotionally unavailable" as patient. bcs he seemed like didn't give a crap when i said that i felt hurt by his "jokes". he called me too sensitive but when i did the same, he called me rude. for more than ten years, i fell into this trap. but not anymore, as i'm walking out from this relationship.
btw, i have bpd traits and mood disorder, i had no strong sense of self/identity disturbance, i felt as if i had multiple of personalities. so this also could manifest as someone who acts differently in public and behind a closed door. but the thing is, i NEVER wanted or want to take advantage from others. it's all done unconsciously. sometimes, i have my sassy-self, people called me I'm being too serious, overly critical, but other time I'd be very playful, i got some compliments for being funny, witty, and smart. I didn't know who i am or what i wanted, it's awfully confusing in my head. Even i can identify myself as frayromantic and lithromantic, all the feelings i had for other people, it would change drastically. from outsider perspective, they might see me as being a jerk but to me, it feels like confusion. it's like, i know i want a vanilla cake, my eyes see vanilla cake, but when i put it in my mouth, it doesn't taste like it. so i spit it out (discarding). now, my strategy is, putting all my cards out there, so they know what they're dealing with. also i make a list of things i really really want in a partner/friend, and stick with it, so i can see myself and people in reality, not in my fantasy (idealization), and not coming from desperation (codependency/fear to be alone).
Thank you for this video I’m currently going through this and 7 years later I’m finding the strength to finally leave and be free. I need true happiness & he’s broken my spirit so many times enough is enough
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister. Because my childhood wasn't ideal and I did not know how is supposed to look like a healthy relationship, I did not know that there is a problem. I read a book about unavailable immature parents and discovered that my mom wasn't the hero I thought but again, because I never discussed this before. Then I started taking therapy and I started trying to identify which type of partners I am likely to attract and couldn't find any pattern until one of the guys I dated and then I started putting everything together. I did not know that I am a people pleaser, when I looked it up it did not ring a bell but I kept insisting and discovered that I am a people pleaser and that I was raised by a narcissist mother. What is helping me now is to always try to discover what I want and when I dedicate to what I want, that is when I notice who is helping me and how and who doesn't and becomes envious or try to sabotage me.
I’m glad I finally worked up the courage to watch these videos.
Do you ever get the chance to give lectures either in a high school or college setting on this subject?, your knowledge and understanding could heal many wounds and save a great many lives. Just incredible!!
I just left a video and the therapist didn't give any examples. I needed examples and you gave them to me, and it makes sense! Thank you.
I would love it if you did this same video but about covert narcissism because the pattern feels different. Thank you for this! 💗
Yes! Covert narcs keep their bad traits in check! He never berated me but did make fun and teased me in front of my kids which in turn made them tease me. He was gaslight me but never put me down. He would project but very carefully.
Love bomb me and got me addicted to him in the beginning but never let me go, just kept showering me with compliments to where I was needing them and lost my sense of self esteem from others places and only got it from him. I was entranced by him. Breadcrumb if me when he didn’t need anything from me but love bombing me when he needed to borrow money. I kept falling for it and him over and over. The the final thing was the love bombing and getting me hooked one last time so he could rob me of thousands of dollars.
I told him I know it was him but he says it’s not his truth but my truth. That’s his narcissistic answer for everything. Not his truth. Well duh, he doesn’t want to face accountability so he’s not going to attach himself to THE ACTUAL TRUTH.
In my case it was lack of knowledge about NPD. I had no clue of what is NPD. Now I understand that my mother had the trait of a toxic narc, and I have 2 brothers who I believe are narc. Thank you for sharing your video it's educational and informative. ❤
My ex was all of these things. He became increasingly violent toward me because I couldn't be controlled. I had to leave before I was murdered.
Same here 😢
9 years with her just pay attention to the red flags I wish now I would’ve took them more seriously I was at home watching her handicapped son she trained me to watch while she was out cheating I am still trying to get over it thank you for the videos .
Standing up for myself has Destroyed my Family . It’s tuff, but I’m on the right track.
I can’t click like enough on this one. This is a good companion video to some of the Dr. Ramani and Les Carter videos on the subject. 😊
Very informative. Thanks, Kati for educating the public.
Thanks very much for your words of wisdom, Kati! My attraction is rooted in family dynamics by having a narcissistic father. I feel sad that I can't yet have healthy relationships, and I'm 68 years old! I went 10 YEARS without a relationship before this most recent experience. And then I DID IT AGAIN! But I think I recognized all the signs much earlier than I would have in the past!!
Your videos are so informative and respectful. You're good at explaining complicated topics in a way I can understand. Thank you so much. Hi from Australia 🇦🇺 xx
You always hear how childhood wounds create inclinations / wiring but for some reason your video really made me think about my relationship w my mom. Add in your point that we are always trying to be needed (co-dependent); that reminded me of how my mom both put me down and praised me. She wanted me to take care of her emotions but also made me feel not good enough. Those two points somehow made me connect some dots w what I just did in my last relationship: want to get back to praise (equating that w love) and also my ex's subtle criticisms (she's covert) made me try harder and feel good when I pleased her bc I thought it was helping her (white knight syndrome?)...anyway thinking about that in relation to my mom is helpful: she didn't want me to have interests beyond a quiet 3 year (once told me she wished she could freeze me at 3), was all about herself and needed validation / got frustrated when I didn't "behave" and give it, and yet I would also strive to achieve so she would be proud. Your talk has been helpful. Thank you.
My mom was a narcissist. Girlfriends 2 thru 5 were narcissists, then I wised up.
I went from a grandiose narcissist who was a terrible partner and mother,to a covert narcissist which I thought at the time was the exact opposite of my grandiose narcissist,turned out the 2 of them lied cheated deceived and stole everything of me,I attract these demon's,I wouldn't no were to start on finding someone with morals and empathy after these to demon's,great video 🌹
100% what I personally went through. Look for all the red flags!
New to your channel. I love your videos. I am a licensed counselor and RN, 35+ years in the field, but I am learning so much from your videos. Thanks Kati.
You are so welcome!
Wow Katie. so grateful for all your videos. You are an amazing communicator. I have been trying to work on myself for years and struggling to leave a really toxic relationship. Trying to see my part in all of this. I'm doing all the hard work and he's doing what he does best which is to be the narcissist! Hate that word co-dependant, and have struggled to own it because I'm the "strong one in the relationship and holding everything together", not dependent on anyone! Hah Hah!! but now I get my enabling and my need to manage his moods to protect my own. light bulb moment! Thank you. Tips to avoid falling for the next narcissist waiting round the corner- do the hard work of getting healthy then hopefully we will attract healthy kind people.
So I have ADHD, and I childhood trauma. Due to this for many years - yall can imagine the types of folks Id get involved with - and all the red flags Id miss from being all in my feelings. I learned one does not need to stop enjoying those feelings - so long as one is able to understand their feelings - and stay present. I have learned to enjoy whats happening in the moment - without getting into limerence (creating fantasies about a possible future - AKA becoming attached to the "outcome") No the difference between your hopes and whats actually happening. ONe can enjoy all the sensations of romance - wihout the heartbreak of expectation. Its a lot less stressfull.
I was raised by a narcissistic father. I am glad that i have a mother who us opposite to him, self sacrificing, caring for others, kind, compassionate, valuing others, loving, empathetic. I am proud of her. If she wasn't there i would also be a narcissistic. From early childhood i knew that this is the man who i don't want to be.
INFACTUATION Shallow thinking.. Empathy is to step into their shoes to discern their needs for Understanding to have new relationships. Sharing is CARING : GIVING OF YOUR SELVES. to feel warm fuzzy heart sensations. Warms it heart. Heart willingness.Peace. KEEP THE PEACE..
Wow!! That's the best description of codependency I've ever heard! 99% chance my father was/still is codependent.
EDIT: The section from 4:07 to 6:40 is very relevant. Good to know that simply feeling uncomfortable around someone who's actually kind and caring if you had an abusive childhood isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I was fed whiskey w lots of sugar at 5yo by my grandfather who loved little girls a bit too much. 😢 in the chaotic home I felt calm. I found my new best friend at that age. He groomed and used me for years. He was a sick man who I’ve found more about over the years. What does this have to do w narcissistic behavior? Everything. He wanted and got exactly what he needed. No empathy or emotions over this little girl. To this day I just say my ‘picker’ is broken. The good guys go by the wayside while I look for what is familiar. They are abusive. I left my husband several months ago and this is a struggle living out of bags and boxes. But I’m grateful for a place to live, and hopefully can go over and get my things. Im so tired I will not go back to that and he has no idea where I’ve been. Full blown malignant narcissist. I ignored the red flags. And they were flying!!
Great topic, I’ll definitely save and rewatch this video many, many times! 🙏
Kati I love your cardigan! It reminds me of spring
It's strange how NPD is considered "rare" when virtually everyone has had to deal with them at some point.
You don't attract but fall for them!
Yes I learnt this the hard way, if he/she is a narcissist RUN lol, don’t look back :)
In my last narcissistic relationship I had at least graduated to the point where I stated what I wanted (please call if you are going to be late or not show up, you need to actually be divorced before I'll feel comfortable dating you, etc) but I didn't actually follow through with what I was asking. He would say he would, but he didn't and I gave him HUNDREDS of chances instead of just leaving. The only positive I could see was that I didn't actually know the term narcissist until I dated him and from there I learned that my mother was a narcissist and every man I've ever been serious about was as well. I totally relate to the being swept off your feet and getting the compliments because I don't remember a single nice thing my mother ever said to me.
OMG, a lot of light bulbs just went off here, so insightful and relatable. I haven't heard these points explained before that made sense to me, I could've saved myself a fortune if I had this info earlier lol, thank you so much!!
My sister is married to one. And she’s isolated indeed. It’s hard to be there for her when it feels as though she has (unknowingly) replaced our relationship.
I am going through a rough time right now due to a recent breakup. The relationship from acquaintances to being a couple lasted over 3 years.
The rough part is that I knew from the beginning that it was a bad idea for me to go further than being just friends and yet I allowed myself to do just that. And that makes me feel angry at myself but worse, I think, is that I also am angry at her. And that part I don't like. This person insisted on going from just being friends to being romantically involved. I felt very attracted to her but as I said I knew better. She disarmed me after I said to her that it would be best if we didn't continue as a couple because many factors were against us, so she just said: why don't you let me love you, because that's all I want to do. As I said, she disarmed me right there and then.
Then almost two years later she is telling me that even though she loves me she knows I am not right for her because there are many things she wants to do that I don't want, which is precisely what I told her at the beginning as to why I thought we shouldn't go any further.
I'm slowly getting back to where I was before this whole thing started, which is a good thing, but in the meantime, I feel miserably for the anger I feel at myself and towards her. Is that normal? If so, how long will it take til I no longer feel like that? If it isn't normal, what do I need to do to not feel that way? They say that nothing beats being in love. I say not so. I've known for quite some time now that at least to me having peace in your life, in both your mind and your 'heart' is the best. If the love you feel for someone takes away your peace better let it pass. I want my peace back. The sooner the better.
By the way, I just realized thanks to this video that I am a card-carrying codependent type🤫
If a person is mentally strong and speaks up for themselves the narcissist will always back down. Why? There are two things that drive a narcissist: 1) an overly large and profound ego and 2) an overly low and profound tolerance to shame. I believe that as a person's ego begins to grow over time subconsciously their tolerance to shame also grows lower and lower. The reason for this is that the ego and shame work in conjunction with one another to keep one another from overpowering the other. In essence as an individual's ego increases their tolerance to shame will spiral down in the opposite direction. This explains why extreme narcissists and malignant narcissists have an extremely low tolerance to criticism and shame.
Extreme narcissists and malignant narcissists are simply what Sigmund Freud termed as individuals who have let their "egos" develop into the "superego" stage. At the "superego" stage a person has almost zero (if not zero) tolerance for shame of any kind thus they are like ticking time bombs waiting to go off....
One cannot reason with narcissists at this level as their ability to think and reason logically is filtered by their profoundly large "superegos" and profoundly low tolerance to accept shame and criticism of any kind.
A simple way of stating what an extreme narcissist is is that they are individuals who are truly mentally unbalanced and any contact with these highly toxic individuals will be extremely unpleasant and unpredictable....
BTW ~ Narcissists tend to herd those who are either mentally weaker than themselves or use their incessant repetitive lies to convert others to join their cult like following.
Adolf Hitler was perhaps one the the greatest narcissists to ever walk this earth.
I've always ended up dating and even married to narcissists like my narc mom. Trying to break the cycle. It's hard.
What if 2 narcissistic people date? 🤔🤔
I keep going for men that are narcissistic it's like I'm addicted to the drama and rollercoaster it's mental I've pushed away nice guys that made it clear they liked me cause I felt it was weird and they were clingy but they were normal and healthy
After 4 years I'm starting to realize that the woman I'm in a relationship with is a narcissist.
I identified with everything you said there. It basically described our relationship.
Still, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'm 35, she's 36, and it's my first deepest relationship.
I can't see myself without her. The thought of losing her is too painful. I know I sound like a pussy saying that. I'm. We all have our limitations.
I think it's good that narcissists exist. When no one else sees anything positive in you, narcissists at least see the potential for exploitation that you have. It's something. Better than being alone.
And sometimes I get glimpses of the woman I fell in love with, seeing that for just a few moments is enough for me. It's those brief moments that make life worth living.
Although nowadays I am able to identify all the red flags, I do not intend to end our relationship. But it's good to know these things, we know what to expect at least. In the first crises of the relationship it was very difficult, now I can deal with her better.
But I really miss the early years of the relationship. As you said... Those were the days!
It's interesting how narcissism is always talked about using the man as the narcissist, but it's important not to forget about narcissistic women and their relationships.
There are people out there where you don't have to wait for seeing glimpses of the person you fell in love with, because they are that most of the time
You’re not a pussy for feeling it’s too painful to lose her, but the truth is, you don’t have “her” and you never did; Not the women you fell in love with at least.
The line about narcs seeing the potential for exploitation in you is downright painful to read. I’m sorry your self esteem is this low that you find the only self-worth you have is knowing that you have something in you to exploit. In a positive way, you could say there is a loving part of you that they are taking advantage of, but it’s also due to this desperation for love and low self-esteem that you are accepting these crumbs to begin with. Even if you can’t see it now, the woman you love is mainly just an illusion they created in your mind, an introject of who they wanted you to believe them to be, who you needed them to be, not who really exists. & no, this isn’t what it feels like being with everybody, just people who create this fantasy to keep you hooked to this fantasy image of them during their very real abuse of you. I was in this type of relationship for years, I know how hard it is to let go. Even now an introject of a past NPD/BPD ex lives in my head, but the good news is, the physical one doesn’t. The slivers of love you feel, the tiny moments you live for where they show that loving self to you, is nothing but a tactic to keep you from leaving them and their abuse. If you choose to leave, you’ll open the door to real love, not an illusion of love dangled in front of you to make you endure their abuse for years to come (or until they discard you one day with no warning).
Please man don’t settle for a narcissist
Is this my mom. She felt the need to make my family feel bad about ourselves to feel secure and in control. Is this narcissistic?
Good one!
What I discovered... when in a new(ish) relationship, that it was not love, it's lust.
Lust is the two sticks rubbed together to make the fire of love.... and it takes a long time of rubbing, and kindling, for the fires of true love to blossom, plenty of nurture, by both sides, equally.
I've never had a narcissist tell me they loved me (except on a birthday card).... but they'd make sure the lust was intense when they needed a favor, or needed to draw me in more for other favors.
As a younger man, I was quite the horn-dog. Manipulating me was super easy with lust bombing... I was clueless... living in a hormone driven, one-track-mind brain fog.
There's a saying,
. "A stiff dick has no conscience." ...and I'll add, "no conscious." I was oblivious as long as I was "getting some." I became a slave to these women.... it cost me so much of my time and money.
I look at my present relationship. I'm old. The hor.mones have calmed down... but she's always kind, cooks, cleans, doesn't complain or keep score... Still, I see the relationship taking me away from my interests... and towards hers.
Recently, I've been more assertive about this. Thanks for the reminder. ✌️
I’m wasn’t looking for ideal. I just wanted someone friendly and honest. I’m not sure my self esteem was all that bad. But it surely is now.
Very astute video. Very accurate but I have to add this: The Lord always warned me before I got in these very dangerous relationships. I was beaten, cheated on and nearly killed! God WARNED me but I didn't take heed. I'm listening now!
Love you, Kati. Thank you for making me feel okay with myself 😭...
Thank you for this video - it was extremely informative and helpful and easy to understand.
I thoroughly enjoyed this video
"how we make them look" - I was arm candy he hated.
and this is why I choose lonliness XD. I refuse to make the same mistake and end up in the same situations repeatedly.
I been played for a fool mostly all my life.when a lady is truly a friend I can't seemed to except it
The lasting imprint of a narcistic parent on its young child effects in its difficulity, to discern clear between being the obedient object of the parent or a subject at the same time. Being object is the primary demand on the child, while being subject it has to give up instead. To be, or not to be (Hamletian dilemma).
That was the most accurate and amazing definition of Codependency I have ever heard. Thank you 🌹🌹
People who think they deserve the best are the easy targets for narcissists. Both my aunt and niece gave much importance to showing off to other people, and both found two narcissistic men. Now both are suffering immensely. Sometimes you get what you want.
I love your colors Katy. For me they always back up what you are saying. To me they are helpful and inquisitive, kind a like a child learning... which I love. I love to learn like a child!! Thank you!!🤗 You feel like a great, big hug.
People are so susceptible to narcissists because there’s so little love in the world and I guess they know it’s something hard wired into us and something we crave on a daily basis: to just be accepted and appreciated for what’s standing right in front. Starting to think there are good and bad narcissists…
But I can never right my wrongs unless I write them down for real, so p.s. ..
It's almost as if... they're human.
Having narcissistic parents in my case lead to a lot of issues with people pleasing. And this can be very attractive to manipulative people.
it's two things really 1. the inability to say no and walk away the first time our instincts go jumbly (probably because we don't trust our instincts and feel we dont' have the right to say no) and 2. we react with big, big emotions instead of letting things roll away and assholes really thrive on that
I'm having a lot of success recognizing and working on the first thing. the second thing is so much harder for me. It's almost like I can't even control the volume of my emotions and even if I do nothing about them, I believe they absolutely can sense that like sharks in a chummy sea
Yes. We react on emotions. Everyone does. That's what it's so important to regulate our internal system.
Funny enough, as soon as codependency came up, i recognized it as my own relationships. In combination with low self esteem. Kinda....my worth depends on how well i make my partner feel and in return how i make myself feel. (Even though i know a narcissist thrives on my low self esteem) im working on it, but its a hard habbit to break
RED FLAG WARNING!! Never accept gifts from a Narc!! In the Beginning of my relationship with my Narcissist I was Love bombed and showered with gifts every time we were together. Things soon changed and things she had bought for me became conditional depending on her getting what she wanted and being happy. when she didn't get her way I was using her and owed her money for what she had gifted me. She would ask for or take back the things she had bought and then give them back when she was content. I started to refuse gifts, Dinners, Movies anything that she would offer. This boundary created new issues. You will never win with a Narcissist. Fallow your intuitive feelings, cut them out of your life completely.
I found that narcissist are highly manipulative, had several relationships and 2 marriages. My last partner ended up in jail because of her behavior. She still blames me or whoever is in the room for own crap! It’s just bizarre and my trust level will never be the same again. Thank you for the video
Very good explanation. On the other hand, people talking about their own experiences here might work as a _catharsis_ but it's sort of useless.
thank you Kati, this one hit home
Lots of great points! I took notes! You are great!
A narcissist is most insecure , so they must continually seek those Whom SEEM flamboyant; in their ways . This is what Feeds their ego , as to reiterate ; " hello bellow " Me ‼️.
I'm a compassionate, codependent overthinking empath introvert INTJ, so any interaction with anyone throw me curveballs :DDDDDDDDD
I have found out that self-coaching and learning from others videos has helped me allot socially. I also allow myself to be vunerable sometimes. I quiet my willingness to categorize/pre-judge [imperfect] people; b/c of a fear of being hurt/disappointed.
Thank you Kati! Very helpful.
Christy M,Hope you are not with a narcissist 😈....
What’s weird is that these are the people who have hoards of friends and get invited everywhere….and I can’t get a friend to save my life! Why is that?
Yes, a fake ones. They are just mirroring everyones behaviour in order to be accepted in society they aim to be with but all their friendships as well as relationships are very shallow. You can do it anytime if you just try to do that out of fun.
Yeah it's scary sometimes. I was basically stalked by a narcissistic person for a while.
Oh no.. that is scary. :( xoxo
@@Katimorton yeah how it ended as I just basically blocked him every way possible. And there was no way for him to reach me and thankfully he doesn't really know where I live. But it was a problem for a while we used to go to school together. And we reconnected some years later. For a while it was okay. But I started to realize that pattern of behavior that just was not cool. And he didn't see it as a problem. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. They never do.
Victor Edgefield it is happening to me past 5 years Still going on . It’s my next door crazy neighbors. I know it’s them . I’ve changed my cell 5 times already they still hacking my iPhone .
I’m 32 and currently on the 2nd week of being in an exclusive relationship with who I am pretty sure is a narcissist.
Fortunately, my relationship before him was my first time being with one and he was a master of his craft, as well as being a covert. 😂
Thanks to my ex, it’s so easy to figure these people out easily. Also, I can tell the new guy is still trying to perfect his “skills”
I feel like I unlocked some special ability in a game that gives me the ability to make them reveal themselves without them noticing what I’m doing.
I’m like an evolved form of your standard empath 😂
My spidey senses were tingling from the start but I wanted to make sure my intuition was still accurate in the feelings I sense when danger is around
Enjoy playing with fire much? Still trying to figure it all out at age 65 and think I'll just keep my besties and stay single.