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My parents always hated me being empathetic towards the homeless, they used the severity and inevitability of the world's severity of life's an excuse to shut down my indignation of other' suffering. When I pretend to not be weak in front of my father and family especially when I am uncaring towards their "feelings", I am suddenly a psychopath and a scary person with a volatile ontology. What. a bunch of jokes.
OMG. This was my narcissistic mother. I never vacuumed the grain the right way, (yes there is a grain) and yet she would come along with wheel marks from her walker.
Or try and shame you the married daughter with family commitments into doing their cleaning by asking if your sister in law would clean for them, and yet they have had an adult son living in the home for 25 years who doesn’t and never has lifted a finger.. good gawd!
Lol. I once called my brother talking about how she could never trust me again and I had totally screwed up this time. The mistake? I put the broom back the wrong way, with the bristles on the ground where they would get dirty. Yes, I saw the floor was dirty an swept it and did a good job. But oh boy. I put that broom back the wrong way. How can she ever trust me again? My brother replied "I don't know what to tell you man ... most people do not feel that strongly about where the broom is placed ..."
My mom flipped out because I left the dish soap on the sink. 🤭😄 She prefers it under the sink. She decided to teach me a lesson. I was sitting and reading. She brought the dish soap to me and told me to put it away. I blandly said okay then put it on the chair next to me. She fussed and cussed back into the kitchen. 😂😂
Me too! I felt it in my family of origin and then went on to marry into a toxic family system as well. My SIL wouldn't even say hello to me for the first 9 years that I was dating her brother. I spent so much time and energy trying to get validation and recognition from all these people. If I only took the time to get the one person who really needed to see me, myself, to believe in me, things would have been different. Now, I am working on my exit! Stay strong 💪🏻 ✨️ fellow survivors!!
Unfortunately after experiencing this all my life from the narcissist, i started to use the same tactics with their enabler. It didnt work so well though. Because i felt even more guilty about it. 😅
Or "You misinterpreted what I said", Dad to me, blaming me for how crappy he treated me. He's a bully. I will paraphrase the B9 Robot from the original "Lost In Space" series:Dad "does not compute!" re: "Systems feeling." Dad doesn't care about me. I am not in contact with him. He nitpicks at me and is a dictator. I deserve a better father!
I've had that and nobody thinks like that, nobody talks like that..... way to go to put your own child down. Whatever I say or do or think or feel is wrong!
My dad doesn't give a crap about me. His loss of supply, I won't pander to him. I am not impressed by him nor put up with his excuses(lies). I am no-contact with him since Easter, this year. He is crap.
Narcissists think feelings are a form of weakness. Except for their own feelings, which must never be ruffled, but which of course are easily ruffled, and we must all hasten to soothe those ruffled feelings.
They over dramatize lie, manipulate and do not care who they throw under the proverbial bus. They are NEVER TO BE TRUSTED, CHAMELEONS AND VERY MUCH NO MORAL COMPASS FINDING THEM COMMITTING CRIMES OF MORAL TERPITUDE IS NOT UNCOMMON. DISCONNECT AND LET THEM GO, AS THEY HAVE YOU LONGER AGO THAN YOU THINK. DO NOT WAIT TIL THEY TAKE YOUR YOUTH, YOUR HEALTH, YOU FAMILY FROM YOU, THEY ALREADY HAVE AND THEY DO NOT MIND AT ALL AS LONG AS THEY THINK YOU ARE NOT WISE TO THEIR MANIPULATION BACK STABBING & DISCREDITING ALL YOU HAVE EVER DONE OR STOOD FOR.,. TURN THE PAGE START YOUR NEW CHAPTER AND DON'T LOOK BACK. THEY DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE A SISTER AN ONLY NIECE, NEPHEW, COUSIN, ETC. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT HOW THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT AND IN THEIR CLOSED ENTITLED MIND HAVE CONVINCED THEMSELVES THEY WHO HAVE DONE MORE DAMAGE, LEANT TO MORE SICKNESS, AND ARE CARELESS IN ALL THEY DO AND SAY HAVE NO NO VOMPASSION, LEAVE THEM BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOUR MIND, YOUR HUSBABD, WIFE, DAUGHTER, SONS ANYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR, THEY SABOTAGE. LISTEN LISTEN CLEARL6 TO DR WISE HE IS SPOT ON AND HAS THE EMOTIONAL SCARS TO PROVE IT. RUN DONT WAJE YOUR BEST DA6S AMONG THEM ARE ONLY BECAUSE YOU KEEP DOING ABD STOP LOOK LISTEN WHAT DO THEY GIVE BACK BUT DISTAIN, DISLOYALTY AND HARDSHIP AND SHOULD YOU BECOME SICK DON'T EXPECT CINCERN CARING EXPECT AGITATION THAT YOU MAY NOT BE CONTINUING ALL THEY HAVE COME TO EXPECT FROM ALL YOUR GRACIOUS EMPATHY IN DOING FOR THEM TAKING UP THE SLACK FOR THEM NEVER WILL THEY CREDIT YOU, NEVER❤!! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE GO MAKE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF AMONG YOUR FRIENDS AND THOSE WHO YOU CAN TRULY BE YOURSELF. ALL THEY WILL EVER GIVE IS SHADE, ABD CAUSE YOU AND YOURS A FEELING OF DISCOMFORT AMONG THEM. GO IN PEACE FIND YOUR PACK THEY ARE NOT IT.😊
Narcissists do not relate to feelings, think of it as they cannot speak another language, ride a bike or climb a mountain,Excell at something someone else can, even in business where they own and run the proverbial show, they can't find gratefulness toward an employee that has what the narcissists does to get the job done, the whole package, they vent, hem haw, and put that employee in duress and create stress and unfinished work ND promises made then subject their dedicated employee to very much what they out anyone else through it's a yo yo cycle of gifts gratitude and compromised relationship that is neve equally trusting..They are like a mirror a reflection with no substance no heart,no souls no empathy nobody, no sympathy . More over they folly and brag on how they got over, and that is all about winning, no rules,their rules antheybreak the rules push boundaries and exercise their power and control through fear, intimidationand demeaning tiraids.
No contact with my mom for four years now. Had a couple convos with her to just try and it was the reminder I needed to STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! from her.
It's not simple you have to create plans to get out I'm stuck but I use silent treatment & only speak when spoken too... Don't reply to no statements meant to create an argument... Saving up money & will randomly leave while she at work to keep down her explosive rage against me... 😔 I'm not on social media I've abandoned it all because she'll go there to find something to create problems from... So once I leave she'll know I stop using special media so she can't look there to find nothing after I'm gone...
Never, ever allow a narcissist to PROJECT their own BS onto you. Their warped perceptions are nowhere close to reality. They are irreparably broken, empathy-deficient, shallow human beings.
I am the empath in my family and I was always hated on and picked on. I spoke up about the wrong things and that made me the trouble maker in the family. It wasn’t until I moved to another country but myself I realized that I was a good child true to my emotions and they vilified me. I felt so guilty for not missing anyone in my family. They always made me feel bad and everything was my fault. Thank God I realized this and now I’m free!!
I did the same thing! I moved to Bangkok for 7 years and they hated that I left haha. I came back with boundaries because I learned how to trust myself, love myself more and I returned to my family (former scapegoat) and set boundaries. I don’t get my dopamine now from their acceptance when they backdown from me when I express my feelings. Just don’t go there, I don’t need to.
I was so badly conditioned by being called a crybaby complainer that I stopped complaining about literally anything for the rest of my life. You can smack me in the head with a shovel and I would figure out a way to not complain about it because I've been conditioned to do that by my abuse
Do you want to see a narcissist literally run out of the room? Invoke the spirit of Christ. I’ve seen it many times. It’s like kryptonite to superman. Jesus is the way, the TRUTH and the light. - John 4:16
I finally set a very firm boundary on my 16th birthday. The woman who gave birth to me (I can’t call her mother) had got me in a corner and started repeatedly slapping my face. I had put up with the abuse, the strappings with a horse strap, the beatings, for 16 years and something just snapped in me. With very little thought, I slapped her back! The abuse ended that day and my only regret was not doing it when I was 14. I was the same size as her by then, and could’ve easily taken her on. And her, after this? She had a “nervous breakdown” and threw it up in my face until I finally went no contact last year. Best thing I ever did. Dr Jerry, you’re the best and I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you 💜
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but you did good! You ended it when it was supposed to end(everything happens for a reason, I feel)just like me, although I didn’t figure her out until I was 60! Imagine getting your ass handed to you every time you were with her….FOR 60 YEARS! I found my “forever” therapist and am learning who I am as an individual, no longer an extension of her and her evilness…she’s 89 yrs old and still actively using and abusing my two brothers that have jumped in to “save” her. She recently got placed into an assisted living facility and is working on getting someone there kicked out(if not herself🤭)and has entered into narcissistic collapse. She has not been diagnosed mind you, but I’m finding this whole process fascinating. She’s a great study on narcissism and I’m learning so much from the woman I no longer consider my mother, but someone that I “thought” I knew.
Thank you for your comment. I’m 62 and until about a year ago, didn’t understand what a narcissist really was. Now I follow several people on UA-cam, Jerry being one of them, and have learned so much. I may have stopped the physical abuse all those years ago, but I still dealt with the mental. Finally in July last year, I had learned enough to know it had to stop so I went no contact. Next to slapping her face, this is the second best thing I’ve done to protect myself from such an evil and mean person. Now I’m slowly healing from a lifetime of neglect and abuse, but as it happens, I’m becoming more my own person. It’s a good feeling! Thank you again for your comment and understanding. 💜
The comment about finally hitting back could have been mine! She cornered me in the bathroom again when I was 13 to slap/ scratch my face. I snapped and slid her up the wall while banging her off it and yelling’you will never hit me again!” When I realized what I had done I ran to a friend’s house and stayed with her for weeks. She never hit me again. Took 40 more years for me to go no contact.
Dear friend I am so sorry you had to endure that abuse. My mother was a face slapper too. I didn't hit back but had dreams about doing it for years. The dreams stopped when she died.
My mom used to slap me when she was angry. When I was 11 she slapped me and I got up and punched her in her arm. It left a nasty bruise. She called several people on the phone right in front of me to tell them that I punched her. She neglected to mention how she slapped me the second before. She was just the victim to everyone she called. But you know what? She never put her hands on me again. I never feared receiving another slap because I knew I'd hit back every single time after that.
Yes my family practices shaming as a punishment or attempt at enforcing conformity. Mocking and ridicule as "teasing" and "humor". Disdain, scorn, ostracizing, etc. Exclusion, ignoring, etc. So very toxic.
It makes us into Sigmas if we can keep our core foundation protected...and do that be being quiet. And hard as it is, just agree with their bs comments and let it roll off your back.
They laugh when someone falls or drops something, especially children. So you become the comic and learn to laugh at yourself and smile even if you're hurt.
My son has to go through this with his other family (his dad and new wife) they sent me a video of him falling and them laughing. I hate them and my parents and there’s nothing I can do about it. Yet.
or laugh at you expressing genuine emotion during a stressful situation. my mom laughed at me for missing my dad and crying while i left him a voicemail.
I don't know if you all have noticed this guys, but this is actually demonic. How can someone laugh at somebody else falling Or making genuine expressions of feelings if they are not robots or robotic themselves? Maybe, they are organic robots ready to get used as portals by demonic entities.
@robynbellamy7548, Me too, Robyn. Im 70+ and coming to grips with this in a very in-my-face kind of way. I'm happy to be leaning these lessons. I'm ready to have some peace about who I am and the positive things I've accomplished in this lifetime, despite what my narcissistic family says to me, and about me. We are all on the same path, living and learning as we go! 🦋🌷🦋
Three Honorable discharges, A teacher of West Point, and A lifetime of not understanding why I am like I am. 60 years and I JUST WOKE UP! THANKS JERRY.
I need to work on this. Even things as small as cutting back on streaming services eats away at me. Cause it’ll cut off my narc mom and golden child brother from using them.. and because neither of them work the guilt just drives me nuts. I put people ahead of me
Yes , it took me SO long to learn this . But , now at 45 I’m finally comfortable saying no to others , which is a big part of self care. That, and allowing myself whatever I need ( even if just a 20 min nap) to maintain a healthy state of mind . Surrounding myself w positive people helps tremendously too .. I avoid the critical types as much as possible.
No matter how they treated you, you have integrity and a pure heart and they have no soul. We live in an incredibly narcissitic, horrendous world but we are the winners because our hearts will always be pure. Head up, you're a hidden hero! 💛
Yes!!! I would never want to be an unfeeling monster. They're not fooling anyone. They're so miserable. I don't even know who wants to be around them. They're exhausting.
Being out numbered in a family can lead to many discounts for the empath, especially if their observations are uncomfortable for other family members, not just parents. It can create considerable self doubt for the empath and lead to serious inner conflicts for an empath child.
To go your entire young life into middle age close with one or 2 ir few family members thinking and believing they get this especially the one as it was her mom Imy aunt I first learned the word scapegoat from. She asked one family visit day why are you the scapegoat as a few other cousins mocked and teased my young brother by 4 years I was maybe 11,I just didn't get it. When we got home that word emblazoned in my brain I looked it up in the dictionary from that time on I mulled that over and sadly continued in those shoes. My brother became more and more the entitled one living out his lies and drama instigating anything to get me to react so they would react to me..he became a master at, his entitled narcissistic cruel and trouble causing Schick continued til he and his destroyed what family if it ever was by taking and disregulated behaviors Chameleons 😮Don't look back find your peace it's necessary for you health the stress they create will take you down A heart attack strike, ulcers any auto immune disease stress triggers STEP ASIDE
When I was 15 years old and she was 40. We fought like cats and dogs! I hated growing up with her. I was an adopted child . I was her maid for the most of the time. I hated her, saying, "I'd be shamed if I were you. All the time. She said it was to my son, who was 3yrs old. I blew a gasgit. I said, "HE HAS NOTHING TO BE A SHAMED ABOUT."
I was the biological child, and it didn't make a lot of difference. I have been more or less discarded as an sdult and my son has never had any attention at all, presumably because he's mine. ❤
This is my father in a nutshell. He’s put the same game on me for better part 40 years. He hated me and he needed me because he was too lazy to do any of the work himself and my mother was stupid enough to allow him to push what he wantedand I have a stroke so useless to him is over with so now every chance he gets, he calls me out.
Such a relief when I buried mine 5 months ago at 97. I managed my relationship with her so much better in the last few years of her life but her passing lifted such a weight off me. I followed it up by blocking a flying monkey sibling who is slso probably a narc and told her all estate matters are to go through my lawyer. Im 69 and finally figured it all out.
With Mothers Day coming up, I DREAD buying a card. Nonr of yhem are plain enough. I just send the obligated "gift". She lives a few streets away from me, I see her maybe every 6 months. Took me abt 8 yrs to get rid of the guilt abt distancing myself. As a kid I convinced myself, I had a real mom somewhere else. Proud to say I broke the cycle w my children.
This is so deep and uncomfortable and devastating. Thank you for this. I let my family destroy me. I did not understand what was going on for too long.
This explains it! I was adopted & was the "perfect child," but my mother always resented & hated me. I'm empathic enough that if I see a stranger cry, I'll cry too. When I married & moved 1,000 miles away, it only took a few years for her to pull the tantrum of the century: the large box of Xmas presents I sent arrived before the check. When I called to wish her Merry Xmas, I got the nasty tone & knew she was "in a mood." She proceeded to call out every gift & criticize it as if it were the only gift, and intended to be a massive insult. When I told her the check would probably arrive the next day, it made no difference. I melted down in a sobbing mess & went to a therapist. He immediately pulled out a reference book & told me about malignant narcissists. It rang so true! Even a week later (after she'd gotten the check), my Dad put her on the phone & she STILL was furious! She had admitted to Dad that "she spoke too soon" but still couldn't stop herself. I could never understand how she could so viciously hate a shy, perfectly behaved little girl who got great grades; luckily, I do now. I told her off after that, and she restrained her open viciousness (I was an only child & there were no other relatives). But she hated me until the day she died - which was literally the first day I felt free of dread.
I felt so incredibly liberated when I heard, from a mutual person, my covert narc mom died! I had cut all ties with her 7 years prior, but she lived only 5 miles from me, and there was always this dread of running into her somewhere, like a store, or something. I was over the moon that day, and so happy, like I had just won a much needed stack of money. I remember going to the store that day, and the cashier asked "how my day is going" I said amazing! I wanted to continue and say my guilt-manufacturing mom just died. Hallelujah! But I know how "inappropriately strange" that would sound. 😉
My mother would always drag me into her self-created chaos and get me worked up. As soon as she got me upset enough to aleviate her repressed or unexpressed emotion she would cut the conversation short and go behind my back and make me the irrational one, often going as far as apologizing for my reaction to whoever she was upset with. I finally cut ties six months ago. I'm 62 and have forty years of my whole lifetime left. They are mine and I'm not sacrificing another single day of it waiting for her to die.
I WAS the family "hero" until I started putting up boundaries. Jerry described my mother, ex-husband and son perfectly. I went no contact four years ago and am still struggling to break free of them. Thank you Jerry for validating our experience.
Watch these people closely. Get firm in your humanity and then look at them hard. When they’re going through something, it’s the realest thing happening and everything else has to stop for them. If someone else is having trouble or big feelings, to these soul vampires it’s all just stupid drama.
They simply like manipulating more empathetic individuals, while at the same time despising them. But they also need them. Dump your narc without a backward glance. It'll cut deep.
I see so many worthy people in the comment section with experiences similar to mine but I know we will never connect. I am an empath but I was the invisible child in my family. I learned early that it is better to be alone than with the wrong people and with time, I am getting good at spotting who the wrong people are. I have outlived the evil in my family and have finally learned how to see and avoid new abusers. I look forward to my best years.
My mother was horrible to me. I didn’t really resent being the scapegoat when it deflected the hate away from my sisters. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I didn’t love my mother. Now I see it was survival. I couldn’t sacrifice “myself.”
Jerry you have helped me so much to understand the horrible toxicity of my family of origin. At the age of 65 I am still in the early stages of self care and trying to love myself.
My father always hated me. I was always independent, intelligent & would question all of his abuse & stand up to him. I missed out on a father / daughter relationship. My mother was my hero. We were very alike.
@@cassiebennet4262 Yes. Mom and her family are my "support system" since Dad has never cared about me at all. He doesn't give a crap about my feelings. He's a narcissist and a jackass!
My narcissistic sadistic mother with zero empathy always hated my dad and me. Unfortunately also my brother is a terrible evil narcissist sadistic with zero empathy. My dad was a empath and I am a empath. My mother and my brother always hated my dad and me, stole from us, abused us mentally physically and financially.
It would have been wonderfully freeing to figure out earlier, in my life, that going "no contact" would be best FOR ME. But we're brainwashed into thinking that A. they can't survive without us feeding them their daily bread of support and B. that we ourselves don't deserve any of that nourishment for ourselves. If only the concept of "no contact" or "Just ghost 'em" had been front of mind when I was 16. I could have got clean away, as I left home at that age, and could literally have disappeared from my family's life, finally and forever. But my younger brother was still at home, and we were close then. I had no problem ghosting guys if I didn't like them or they treated me disrespectfully (even if I was really keen on them), when I started dating. I'd cut them clean out of my life like a surgeon. Yet my family...it just never occurred to me as a solution for ME. However, I don't regret the long run of lessons. I've learnt a lot. Nothing is wasted.
I know that my empathy is so heightened as an adult from having to anticipate the everchanging moods of people in the household as a child. Then they mocked the thing they'd created for being who I was. Can't win and shouldn't try except to get out of there. ❤
I’ve come to realize in my mid thirties my entire personality was based on being codependent people pleaser . To recover I set boundaries and work on self esteem and self love daily ❤ everyone from my past fell off when I woke up
Calling in the little abused puppy , reassuring and convincingly pleading for her to trust just one more time, give the praise and reward until you roll over and they get in reach of your soft under-belly and they then kick you. And then their satisfied smirk 😏 cracks their face.
Thats a horrid image but so true. My narc father likes to let us have something for a bit, and then take it away with no warning. Just to show its all his. Nothing is mine everything is his.
Yes. The SMIRK is the dead giveaway of people with these tendencies. Always watch for the smirk. They can't help themselves. So you have to learn to become like a poker player, give no "tells" and become expert at reading theirs. Give 'em nothing, take 'em nowhere, drop 'em off halfway without a map.
Narcissist inlaws especially hate empath daughter inlaws but rely on empath daughter in law to maintain a relationship with their also narc or just disinterested son.
Dear fellow empaths, I now always assume that I have been fair..... as we as empaths do not short people in situations. 2. I remember to accept that others are manipulative, etc , and that I do not need to try and make them less manipulative. My only job is to accept that I have been fair and move on. 3. It does not matter to me if they understand me. These are my steps to freedom. Much love, your fellow empath
Being an empath, when u learn to shoot lasers from your eyes, even the narcissist can't do their nonsense in your orbit. Challenge is not letting the darkness engulf you.
Absolutely felt!! I always felt the need to fix everyone so that they are OK, like I am somehow responsible for their feelings. This is an impossible and exhausting task. If I remember that I don’t NEED you to be OK , I’m OK
I could never understand why my mother kept me around because she didn't like me. She was envyish of me, but now I get it. She wanted "How I can talk to people with ease and I could express my emotions in a healthy way. I'm convinced that she wanted to be me. Thank you Jerry for this enlightenment.
Cycle of conflict. Yes! In summation: When I saw that she hadn't changed, I distanced myself because I refused to have a repeat of my first 20 years with her. I won't do it- mother or not.
Absolutely same! After I had kids (2) I knew I needed all my patience, all my inner peace and all my mental health to be the best parent I possibly can be. She was making me stressed even during the pregnancies. For the second one, I didn’t even ALLOW her to be there lmao. She sent my dad to ask me if I “wanted” her to come check on me after giving birth to see that everything turned out ok. We were already not speaking. So, I answered the question very calmly and happy at my newfound freedom, “No 🙂” lmao. No, I don’t “want” her to check on me at all lol. My dad who had never heard that word from me 😂 was angry for a minute, “No??! Why not?? She just wants to come check??” I’m like I don’t care 🙂 it’s kind of an important day for me too 🙂🙃 hhahahah so nah, I’m gonna decide this time ☺️😇😌 lol.
@@arcturianoracle784same here. My sister was sent to ask me if the ‘ mother’ who I didn’t not seen for 20 years could meet when I was pregnant. I said no. So she punished me by turning my sisters towards her....making her will for them to cut me out...not allowing me to be invited to family events. Etc
@@FoxyUSAx That’s awful. I wonder what kind of credit they’re seeking to get from interacting with our pregnancies lol. I noticed that in my “mother” it was like she was ashamed for anyone to know that I did not even want her to be there, even for that event. That shame took precedent in her mind and that’s like what she cared about with my pregnancy lmao. Oh, you know just my life on the line but yes let me put my comfort aside on that day for your comfort 😂. Yeah, right. You did the right thing protecting yourself. I’m so sorry about your sisters.
Does anyone else see that on UA-cam now it seems every adult raised in America comes from at least one narcissistic parent? I don't even know one person who does not relate to the narc parents scenario. Why are there so many narcs? Just everywhere, it's maddening!
Because they raised by broken parents where yelling beating shaming all that is all about control and in there eyes disaplin like how nearly every boss work for acts same way it's our time to fix broken patterns teach out kids the correct way
I think there are more narc parents out there than originally thought. People sugar coat their childhoods. Especially on Facebook. I used to. I posted happy family stuff. Luckily I went 95% no contact. I also have autoimmune diseases so that and Covid made it easy. I have to mask up and socially distance. I don't have children. It is just me and my boyfriend. We also moved 100 miles away. No more Thanksgiving or Christmas. I hate putting on a show. I am an authentic person. My boyfriend and I do our own Christmas and Thanksgiving. It is 100% better.
I was always an empath. When I was little watching "Casper the Friendly Ghost"; when everyone ran from him scared, I cried and said, I'll be your friend!!!
Me, too!! 50 years later and I still get a pang in my heart just reading his name in your comment. You opened my eyes just now as to how much my inner self identified with sweet little Casper.
I was a child, watching a movie in which young Shirley Temple was taken away from her beloved grandfather by a cruel relative. Tears were rolling down my face, bc I found the movie to be sad, and my stepmom started to make fun of me for crying. I was pretty young but I remember thinking "you old bat, you have no feelings." The stepmom laughs at anything like empathy as being "sentimental." She and I really dont understand one another at all. Thx Dr. Wise ❤
I had the same experience age around 5 or 6 crying because I was seeing all these starving children from Africa on the tv screen. The whole room laughed at me and mocked me. It was utterly confusing and I just left the room and never understood it until all these decades later.. and content like this.
I learned to supress my emotions early in life. By 11, I had high blood pressure and ulcers. At 13, my ulcers bled. I had a wonderful family doctor who told my parents to get their crap together before they killed me or he had me removed. He gave me a book on self-hypnosis that probably saved my life. My mother hated that I learned my emotions were mine and hers belonged to her. I learned to walk away, either physically or mentally. However, I was in my late 40s / early 50s when I realized what my mother was. I started sharing it with my older sister, and we went on the "discovery" journey of "mom's a narcissist" together. It was a blessing to confirm it with someone who lived it.
I was hoping me and my bro could grow stronger and closer together as we aged and could always be bonded in our trauma. Well, instead he cut me out 4 years ago and then took his life this year... Now I have no one alive who knew what we went through first hand. My other sibling (who was the golden) passed away in 2012 from cancer. I hope you and your sibling remain close. ❤️
@noshame5791 - I'm so sorry. My eldest brother died last year and it's hard when your siblings die, I know. I'm really lucky to have my sister. I make sure to tell her so regularly.
You don’t get to have my insides!!! WOW. I needed that! Helps me, empowers me to not over love, not feel like I am responsible for fixing others feelings.!!
Best lesson to learn as an empath is wisdom and God can give you that. When you start feeling a lot pause and start thinking more. Think through and above how you feel. A narcissistic depends on your feeling and expressing. Learn how to pause that for true clarity.
No, no one who is codependent ever said that. codependency is slavery, youre one of the many sociopaths who wish copendenents wanted to be controlled by you.
That’s me the hated empath that calls everybody out on their shit and I’ll never stop doing it! Great content as always! The greatest healing that ever happened and any humans lives has always been the discovery of unconditional love from our father God in heaven these parents on earth are not our actual parents. They are just the vessels that brought us here! but God is our father and our mother and the ultimate parent that died for us and his beautiful unconditional love he loves you no matter what you do is so healing please everybody understand his healing love you don’t have to earn his love you don’t have to prove anything. It’s there for you Jesus is love is always there.❤
I am beyond grateful for psychiatric UA-cam. I thought I was a monster for wanting to see my narcissistic parent dead. Thankfully, growing up to be twice the size and weight of my father really changed the power dynamic. The only thing narcissistic people understand really well is the threat of physical violence. But choose your battles wisely. Sometimes, even if you win, you'll still lose. In other words, no matter how bad someone was in the past, physically beating an older person makes you look worse.
My mother destroyed not only my childhood, but she destroyed my adult life, too. Not only she didn't help me in anything, but she took good care to ruin everything that I ever succeded by my own. When I bought my own house, she bullied me. I was in a relationship at that time and she made me lose everything: my love interest and even my health. And she didn't stop there, not only she ruined all my relationships and plans, she proceeded to ruin my relationship with my dad after that, too 😓🤦♀️👿.
My narc mom was always fake-feeling - sooo melodramatic - always the victim - always in crisis - she told me she wanted to kill herself when I was 6 yrs old. I learned very early that I was supposed to take care of her - as she tried to systematically destroy my life.
So appreciate this. I’m 62 years old and just started figuring out the messed up life I have had. Finally at peace with my no contact decision with my dad. Sad but necessary
I was hated because she thought I was stupid and not obedient enough. My father loved me as the baby of the family so I think there was some jealousy at times. I resembled my father and she was very vocal about how much she hated him.
How does someone become an unfeeling person??? I know what you say in the video is correct, but it escapes my imagination how someone is unable to feel. Growing up I was constantly told I was too sensitive. The whole time they were just insensitive. Mind blowing.
Watch the video again. The key word is detachment. Nothing wrong with being a feeling person. What is wrong is when we are forced to feel the shame and belittlement put on us by narcissists.
That's an interesting question. But more important question is how to deal with present situation, our situation, how we can help ourselves. Because if you'll start to dig narcs6 past or theories about how they made /born /whatever you might well to start excuse them and justify them, and be running again OLD family programing. I did it 20 years ago. Do you really need it? Or what you really need is to help yourself and fast.
I didn't know about this fact until recently.. Narcissists like sociopaths have different brain structures than the rest of us. I'm still getting over trauma having had a crazy, narcissistic mother who is still alive.
Differentiating feelings. Yes! What has helped to do that is my rule #3: "Carry not what is not yours to carry." Sometimes I have to remind myself but it helps.
I was brutally beaten by my boyfriend when I was 18 years old. I was crying, telling my mother what happened, and she asked: why are you so weak? Go back to your boyfriend. He did that because he loves you. 😮😮... I have never trusted her again after that.
@RobeenMohammad yes...and then several years later, when I was in a stable loving relationship in my 40's... my mother called me to tell me that my abusive ex boyfriends mother had passed away and that I should call and comfort him in his grief. I cut her off for two years....didn't speak to her....then she called me out of the blue pretending that she did not understand what happened between us and that she was sure that all we needed was a 30 minutes talk to resolve everything. I answered that there is no need to talk. She is such narcisst.
I can relate, my mother said she could have handled my d.v. nex and if I was missing them I could go back. Then I got really ill and a he called me weak! Then she accused me of laughing at her when she was in hospital having an operation. The days you realise your own mother cannot care and is loony!
Soo true and mean of her.. I faced many mean experiences too.. One such is Wen i got sexually assaulted by my sisters husband, she blamed me! Saying it's my fault..I must have been interested! (Still she's in talks with her narc daughter!! ) Never had any empathy or sorry for whatever they did to me, both my parents.. Total horrors
Both my parents are narcissists. I was although given all materialistic ''love" I was always told what kind of an ungrateful monster I was who made her parents miserable. When I confronted them in my adult life my mother said... It's because you never listened to us. I was a straight A student, never cheated in school, never smoked, drank, never went to a club, stayed virgin till marriage at 28. I was someone they always wanted to bully and control. A punching bag, a stress buster to be yelled at. To be blamed for all their problems. I was never good enough. My father said . Sorry i made you feel that way.. but I'm 60 and i can't change. I'm low contact now working on my mental health. Considering going NC some day in the future if needed.
It's funny my golden child brother caused them nothing but problems. They never blamed him for anything. He could do no wrong. Even after he knocked a girl that he knew for 10 mins at a bar. They never said one word against him. I was called an old maid for getting married at 24.
My dad forbade me to cry after we lost my younger sister due to a long battle with addiction and health issues. This was 4 years ago and dad has also passed away. I still can't believe he did that to me.
I don't think I ever truly knew either of my parents, because they were so afraid of being their raw selves especially in front of non family, so afraid of telling any story where they made a mistake because I don't think they really learn from their mistakes since they can't admit them
@@Unknownpm3682 many people knew my mother as a compassionate charitable woman. What they didn't know is that I used to beg her to give me some pocket money while in boarding school
No, my mom enjoyed when I was crying. It was her reward and her supply She was guilty tripping me for everything, then leaving me to cry myself and weeping myself to exhaustion
My husband, me and our kids were asked to participate in something pretty big that was about farming. It was during this wonderful time that his mother let her mask slip…she was upset she wasn’t included- she chose to be jealous/upset/temper tantrum instead of being happy for us. The guilt my husband felt was too much. It was that day I realized the emotional abuse that had gone on for far too long❤
You might cover this in this video but I want to say this before I forget.. My experience has been that they hate everyone but an empath feels everything.. I need to realize that being an empath is a spiritual gift and I need to learn how to use it.. Rather than people-pleasing I need to people-avoid.. I would say that if we focus on others then we are giving away our power..
I used to try and make my mother feel better by feeling for her. This never worked, of course, and as an adult I have caught myself feeling for others to an extreme degree, and this, of course, pushed many people away. I'm sure I constantly pushed healthy people away. When I started to practice self-awareness and therapy and healing, I started to notice how exhausting "feeling" so much for everyone else was. I like how you describe that over feeling for others is a way of taking away from yourself - thank you Jerry.
It is quite simple really...they are dark, you are light and you are iron and they the crucible ...you chose your path and your mission is to become forged Steel!!!
This empath learned early that the ability to lack emotion is a weakness My emotions might reveal me but simply being revealed is not revealing a vulnerability to the honest but galvanized empath
My narc mother tells my daughter I 'keep a list of all the things she has done' and I corrected her that I have documented proof of her pattern of behavior. My medical file from the 1970's documents that she neglect my treatment plan for 3 years resulting in spinal fusion at 11 years old! She is 80 now and still cannot accept that her choices did this to me. She used to threaten to jump of a bridge just to manipulate me to not tell anyone what really happened.
We over love them. Yes! I did that in a romantic relationship and was cut right down the middle, and, of course, the narcissist excused, minimized, deflected, and etc.
I was always accused of being too sensitive but then on the other hand accused of not loving my mother. I’m very low contact now. She’s absolutely insane and just getting worse as she ages and loses control
Thank you Jerry. These videos are helping me to understand my toxic Mother (deceased Father) and older brother and how they always came against me as the youngest daughter in a Pakistani family. I am in my 50’s now and I am Christian (which makes me even more of a black sheep!) but I am healing and understanding more about toxic narcissistic behaviours. God bless you and may you continue in your quest to bring enlightenment and healing to victims of narcissistic parents and siblings.🙏
My mom took me to see the movie, “Mommy Dearest” when I was 13 and she was 50. I sat in shocked silence in that theatre thinking someone had videotaped our home life. It made me sick to watch. On the way out of the theatre Mom was all aglow saying what a wonderful movie that was and what a strong good mom Koan Crawford was! I knew for sure that night my mother was a demon.
“They don’t get to have your insides.” Wow. Thank you. I never saw it has entitlement, but you’re completely right. My family believes I should feel a certain way, whether it’s guilt or upset, shame, or whatever. And they never ever ever ever stop until they think they can perceive that I feel that way. Also,I thought my only self-worth was in my ability to sense and relieve their upset. I still think that in lots of ways. This is so illuminating.
@@websurfer5772 not true. It's often the right move to close down certain channels if you're dealing with healing trauma. But pretending that having empathy makes you special is just new age ego.
Yes there are so many who actually claim Empaths have super powers like mind reading, and ability to heal others and other new age stuff, I refuse to use the term. I indeed have heightened empathy from early on, living as a scapegoat in a narcissitic family system. That empathy drew me to being a RN for a career. I didn't choose it to make money, I cared about the patients. I have no superpowers. But faced recently with the death of my narcisditic mother at 94, dealing with the narc siblings for the first time in years en mass was overwhelming as they live in a very faux world of superficiality and I deal in facts and real life. It was a disturbing reunion.
Jerry, thank you so much for explaining all that I went through as an empath growing up with narcissistic parents. I remember my parents doing really wicked things to me, e.g. constantly telling lies against me and beating me for what I did not do etc., whilst acknowledging that I was the only one out of all their children, who exhibited constant kindness and compassion towards them and other people.
Jerry, I canNOT tell you how grateful and blessed I feel to have found you. I have spent thousands of dollars in my adult life in therapy due to my narcissistic mom. You are 1000% spot on and you nail my feelings and how to move forward in a way NO ONE ever had!! Thank you kindly and God bless you for this ministry!!!
I’m so glad you’re finding my videos helpful! Have you joined my free training yet? 😊 jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
Narcissism repeats itself through the generations. My father was a narcissist. As the second born I spent most of my childhood in my room away from my family because I knew my father would go into a rage after having a few drinks. As an adult I did not marry the father of my son because he too was prone to going into a rage. Now my son is a responsible adult, has no problems with rage, and works full-time but was involved with a narcissist who had his child 12 years ago. Today, his daughter, my granddaughter is required to take care of her mother who has stage 4 breast cancer. Before her mom was diagnosed with cancer, I was limited to seeing my granddaughter to about twice a year. As an eighth grader my granddaughter is schooled online while spending all of her free time taking care of her mother. I saw her about a year ago. My granddaughter has no friends (I asked within the last week during a conversation with her mother. I have contact with the mother because the child support gets paid through my checking account). What's worse - I'm fairly certain that the maternal grandparents are expecting my granddaughter to take care of them in their old age. I don't know what the paternal grandparents have said about me (the maternal grandmother is a narcissist). Because I feel other people's emotions, I know my granddaughter prefers to avoid me.
Isn't it interesting how often highly sensitive people and empaths, like ourselves, are born into narcissistic families? I know that I was born an empath, not created.
Interesting that you say that because my gut feeling is that I was also born with an empathetic nature, and that my brothers were all born with BPD characteristics to a greater or lesser extent. In my situation I do not feel that nurture had anything to do with how my family's personalities evolved which is contrary to current theories floating around.
@@deemaysie6568 I understand. My older sister has NPD and the other one has narcissistic traits. My Mom was an empath and my dad is an overt , sister is covert. I definitely inherited my sensitivity from my lovely mother. You are right to say our views are contrary to popular beliefs. But if you read Elaine Aron you will understand that HSPs are born, we are not made. I think narcissists are drawn to empaths because of our kindness so they exploit that. So then you have the genetics in the picture where one sibling might inherit the tendencies towards narcissism from the one parent but the other sibling will inherit the HSP nervous system. I do believe that my sister could have turned out healthy had she not been the “ golden “ child. It’s heartbreaking to realize you never had loving siblings and that, ultimately, your destiny is separation from your biological family. But once we separate we can create our own families through friendships etc. We just have to work through the CPTSD to the degree we are able.
@@heatherIsla BPD sufferers have lots of empathy but it is mixed up so with the insanity of cluster b, that is is heartbreaking to have, as well as to be a victim of. I am looking forward to gaining insight into future discoveries of how genetics, especially mother-son and daughter-father genetics play into the development of mental disorders.
the best thing I have done for myself was WALKING OUT OF THE FAMILY! I tried a couple of times to find a way of communication, I failed (or did they?) and now I live MY life, free of their criticism. Thank you for verifying my feelings and thoughts, they were real and I am NOT "too sensitive"! Keep up the good work, Dr. Wise! (Ioanna from Greece. yes, the problem is international!)
I have covert narc mom. She cries at the drop of a hat but likes to tell people I am “senstive”. I grew up with TONNES of mixed messaging. Like I’m so great but yet « have so far to go “. I broke when she wrote a book “about herself” that included information in it about me and my marriage that I did not give her permission to share.
Narcissistic systems of any and all types despise the truth because the truth exposes them. Be very grateful if you’ve survived, moved on and you are now thriving for you are one of the fortunate few. ❤ good luck out there
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Thank you!
My parents always hated me being empathetic towards the homeless, they used the severity and inevitability of the world's severity of life's an excuse to shut down my indignation of other' suffering. When I pretend to not be weak in front of my father and family especially when I am uncaring towards their "feelings", I am suddenly a psychopath and a scary person with a volatile ontology. What. a bunch of jokes.
Please help.me understand why my narcissist daughter tries so hard to destroy me
Danny hap
Question: are narcissists born or made?
They call us too sensitive but have a mental breakdown when we don’t vacuum the carpet the “right” way.
OMG. This was my narcissistic mother. I never vacuumed the grain the right way, (yes there is a grain) and yet she would come along with wheel marks from her walker.
Or try and shame you the married daughter with family commitments into doing their cleaning by asking if your sister in law would clean for them, and yet they have had an adult son living in the home for 25 years who doesn’t and never has lifted a finger.. good gawd!
Lol. I once called my brother talking about how she could never trust me again and I had totally screwed up this time. The mistake? I put the broom back the wrong way, with the bristles on the ground where they would get dirty. Yes, I saw the floor was dirty an swept it and did a good job. But oh boy. I put that broom back the wrong way. How can she ever trust me again? My brother replied "I don't know what to tell you man ... most people do not feel that strongly about where the broom is placed ..."
My mom flipped out because I left the dish soap on the sink. 🤭😄 She prefers it under the sink. She decided to teach me a lesson. I was sitting and reading. She brought the dish soap to me and told me to put it away. I blandly said okay then put it on the chair next to me. She fussed and cussed back into the kitchen. 😂😂
Anytime I didn't clean the house or do something they expected me to do without telling me they'd start yelling or make me feel bad about it.
This is the “we appreciate you Jerry” button❤, wishing you a wonderful day. “You are valued to us all”
💯🎉him💕🕊️
He has been able to articulate and validate how I feel.
❤❤❤❤ the We Love Jerry button❤
❤❤❤❤❤
He is a Godsend...
❤❤❤❤❤❤Love you Jerry. Thank you!
Guilt and shame. Be careful if you are forced to feel either one. This is what manipulation is built upon.
I am FINALLY recognizing this!!!
Me too! I felt it in my family of origin and then went on to marry into a toxic family system as well. My SIL wouldn't even say hello to me for the first 9 years that I was dating her brother. I spent so much time and energy trying to get validation and recognition from all these people. If I only took the time to get the one person who really needed to see me, myself, to believe in me, things would have been different. Now, I am working on my exit! Stay strong 💪🏻 ✨️ fellow survivors!!
Yeah, that's what I experienced in my life. Now I a not anymore.
Unfortunately after experiencing this all my life from the narcissist, i started to use the same tactics with their enabler. It didnt work so well though. Because i felt even more guilty about it. 😅
... and fear.
"Youre too sensitive " I've heard this many times growing up, from my relatives.
Classic gaslighting to avoid accountability for their disgusting behavior. Hell awaits...
Me too... 🎉❤
Or "You misinterpreted what I said", Dad to me, blaming me for how crappy he treated me. He's a bully. I will paraphrase the B9 Robot from the original "Lost In Space" series:Dad "does not compute!" re: "Systems feeling." Dad doesn't care about me. I am not in contact with him. He nitpicks at me and is a dictator. I deserve a better father!
So have I lol
I've had that and nobody thinks like that, nobody talks like that..... way to go to put your own child down. Whatever I say or do or think or feel is wrong!
The hypocrisy of putting their own feelings on a pedestal while devaluing and mocking mine... my parents were sick monsters...
my mother is exactly that, I feel you
Relate, it's disgusting.
My dad doesn't give a crap about me. His loss of supply, I won't pander to him. I am not impressed by him nor put up with his excuses(lies). I am no-contact with him since Easter, this year. He is crap.
Yup well said 😢
My female progenitor is a certified demon.
Narcissists think feelings are a form of weakness. Except for their own feelings, which must never be ruffled, but which of course are easily ruffled, and we must all hasten to soothe those ruffled feelings.
They over dramatize lie, manipulate and do not care who they throw under the proverbial bus. They are NEVER TO BE TRUSTED, CHAMELEONS AND VERY MUCH NO MORAL COMPASS FINDING THEM COMMITTING CRIMES OF MORAL TERPITUDE IS NOT UNCOMMON. DISCONNECT AND LET THEM GO, AS THEY HAVE YOU LONGER AGO THAN YOU THINK. DO NOT WAIT TIL THEY TAKE YOUR YOUTH, YOUR HEALTH, YOU FAMILY FROM YOU, THEY ALREADY HAVE AND THEY DO NOT MIND AT ALL AS LONG AS THEY THINK YOU ARE NOT WISE TO THEIR MANIPULATION BACK STABBING & DISCREDITING ALL YOU HAVE EVER DONE OR STOOD FOR.,. TURN THE PAGE START YOUR NEW CHAPTER AND DON'T LOOK BACK. THEY DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE A SISTER AN ONLY NIECE, NEPHEW, COUSIN, ETC. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT HOW THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT AND IN THEIR CLOSED ENTITLED MIND HAVE CONVINCED THEMSELVES THEY WHO HAVE DONE MORE DAMAGE, LEANT TO MORE SICKNESS, AND ARE CARELESS IN ALL THEY DO AND SAY HAVE NO NO VOMPASSION, LEAVE THEM BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOUR MIND, YOUR HUSBABD, WIFE, DAUGHTER, SONS ANYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR, THEY SABOTAGE. LISTEN LISTEN CLEARL6 TO DR WISE HE IS SPOT ON AND HAS THE EMOTIONAL SCARS TO PROVE IT. RUN DONT WAJE YOUR BEST DA6S AMONG THEM ARE ONLY BECAUSE YOU KEEP DOING ABD STOP LOOK LISTEN WHAT DO THEY GIVE BACK BUT DISTAIN, DISLOYALTY AND HARDSHIP AND SHOULD YOU BECOME SICK DON'T EXPECT CINCERN CARING EXPECT AGITATION THAT YOU MAY NOT BE CONTINUING ALL THEY HAVE COME TO EXPECT FROM ALL YOUR GRACIOUS EMPATHY IN DOING FOR THEM TAKING UP THE SLACK FOR THEM NEVER WILL THEY CREDIT YOU, NEVER❤!! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE GO MAKE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF AMONG YOUR FRIENDS AND THOSE WHO YOU CAN TRULY BE YOURSELF. ALL THEY WILL EVER GIVE IS SHADE, ABD CAUSE YOU AND YOURS A FEELING OF DISCOMFORT AMONG THEM. GO IN PEACE FIND YOUR PACK THEY ARE NOT IT.😊
So do they hate themselves because they are weak and project that unto others?
Narcissists do not relate to feelings, think of it as they cannot speak another language, ride a bike or climb a mountain,Excell at something someone else can, even in business where they own and run the proverbial show, they can't find gratefulness toward an employee that has what the narcissists does to get the job done, the whole package, they vent, hem haw, and put that employee in duress and create stress and unfinished work ND promises made then subject their dedicated employee to very much what they out anyone else through it's a yo yo cycle of gifts gratitude and compromised relationship that is neve equally trusting..They are like a mirror a reflection with no substance no heart,no souls no empathy nobody, no sympathy . More over they folly and brag on how they got over, and that is all about winning, no rules,their rules antheybreak the rules push boundaries and exercise their power and control through fear, intimidationand demeaning tiraids.
@@CoachK10190 They probably do think of themselves as weak, and they certainly do a lot of projecting. I think you're right.
@@darlenealessio7609 They may deny feelings, but that doesn't mean they don't have them. I don't know where this "relating" comes in.
No contact is the best way to handle narcs.
I wish it was that simple.
No contact with my mom for four years now. Had a couple convos with her to just try and it was the reminder I needed to STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! from her.
It's not simple you have to create plans to get out I'm stuck but I use silent treatment & only speak when spoken too... Don't reply to no statements meant to create an argument... Saving up money & will randomly leave while she at work to keep down her explosive rage against me... 😔 I'm not on social media I've abandoned it all because she'll go there to find something to create problems from... So once I leave she'll know I stop using special media so she can't look there to find nothing after I'm gone...
@jesusisLordperiod.So glad you broke free,and starting to heal ✨🕊
hard when the average person can’t afford a space of their own these days
Never, ever allow a narcissist to PROJECT their own BS onto you. Their warped perceptions are nowhere close to reality. They are irreparably broken, empathy-deficient, shallow human beings.
I am the empath in my family and I was always hated on and picked on. I spoke up about the wrong things and that made me the trouble maker in the family. It wasn’t until I moved to another country but myself I realized that I was a good child true to my emotions and they vilified me. I felt so guilty for not missing anyone in my family. They always made me feel bad and everything was my fault. Thank God I realized this and now I’m free!!
I wish I could have moved to another country. Good for you!
I did the same thing! I moved to Bangkok for 7 years and they hated that I left haha. I came back with boundaries because I learned how to trust myself, love myself more and I returned to my family (former scapegoat) and set boundaries. I don’t get my dopamine now from their acceptance when they backdown from me when I express my feelings. Just don’t go there, I don’t need to.
I didn't feel sad when my Mother died when I was 15. I couldn't feel guilty about that.I felt the loss of a great weight on my shoulders.
They are hippocrits, they call me "too sensitive" when they are abusive, but if it is their feelings, then it is validated. (Even if it is drama).
It's always drama, and it's often completely unnecessary. ❤
Yes, they say we are too sensitive. Imagine us or anyone else treating them the way they treat us.
I was so badly conditioned by being called a crybaby complainer that I stopped complaining about literally anything for the rest of my life. You can smack me in the head with a shovel and I would figure out a way to not complain about it because I've been conditioned to do that by my abuse
@@TrevorHamberger💔 I am so sorry 😞. Truly awful and evil. I pray for your (and all of our) healing.
@@cc1k435In my life and world it’s always unnecessary. Just drama for the sake of drama. It’s her daily dose of chaos and negativity.
The truth is terrifying to a narcissist. A so called empath's knee jerk response is to tell the truth.
I'm the Truth Teller too. Of course I'm also disrespectful. Oh well. That's why I'm Very Low contact for 6 years.
Just like the wheat and the tares in the Bible. Wait til they find out what God does with the tares. Truth always wins.
Do you want to see a narcissist literally run out of the room? Invoke the spirit of Christ. I’ve seen it many times. It’s like kryptonite to superman. Jesus is the way, the TRUTH and the light. - John 4:16
@@WoundedWarrior77 Amen.
@@WoundedWarrior77 yes!! It makes them lose it!
I finally set a very firm boundary on my 16th birthday. The woman who gave birth to me (I can’t call her mother) had got me in a corner and started repeatedly slapping my face. I had put up with the abuse, the strappings with a horse strap, the beatings, for 16 years and something just snapped in me. With very little thought, I slapped her back!
The abuse ended that day and my only regret was not doing it when I was 14. I was the same size as her by then, and could’ve easily taken her on.
And her, after this? She had a “nervous breakdown” and threw it up in my face until I finally went no contact last year. Best thing I ever did.
Dr Jerry, you’re the best and I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you 💜
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but you did good! You ended it when it was supposed to end(everything happens for a reason, I feel)just like me, although I didn’t figure her out until I was 60! Imagine getting your ass handed to you every time you were with her….FOR 60 YEARS! I found my “forever” therapist and am learning who I am as an individual, no longer an extension of her and her evilness…she’s 89 yrs old and still actively using and abusing my two brothers that have jumped in to “save” her. She recently got placed into an assisted living facility and is working on getting someone there kicked out(if not herself🤭)and has entered into narcissistic collapse. She has not been diagnosed mind you, but I’m finding this whole process fascinating. She’s a great study on narcissism and I’m learning so much from the woman I no longer consider my mother, but someone that I “thought” I knew.
Thank you for your comment. I’m 62 and until about a year ago, didn’t understand what a narcissist really was. Now I follow several people on UA-cam, Jerry being one of them, and have learned so much. I may have stopped the physical abuse all those years ago, but I still dealt with the mental. Finally in July last year, I had learned enough to know it had to stop so I went no contact. Next to slapping her face, this is the second best thing I’ve done to protect myself from such an evil and mean person. Now I’m slowly healing from a lifetime of neglect and abuse, but as it happens, I’m becoming more my own person. It’s a good feeling! Thank you again for your comment and understanding. 💜
The comment about finally hitting back could have been mine! She cornered me in the bathroom again when I was 13 to slap/ scratch my face. I snapped and slid her up the wall while banging her off it and yelling’you will never hit me again!” When I realized what I had done I ran to a friend’s house and stayed with her for weeks. She never hit me again. Took 40 more years for me to go no contact.
Dear friend I am so sorry you had to endure that abuse. My mother was a face slapper too. I didn't hit back but had dreams about doing it for years. The dreams stopped when she died.
My mom used to slap me when she was angry. When I was 11 she slapped me and I got up and punched her in her arm. It left a nasty bruise. She called several people on the phone right in front of me to tell them that I punched her. She neglected to mention how she slapped me the second before. She was just the victim to everyone she called. But you know what? She never put her hands on me again. I never feared receiving another slap because I knew I'd hit back every single time after that.
These atrocious types of parents really do expect us to just smile no matter how badly it hurts, simply dreadful.
My narc dad expects me to put up and shut the hell up. His problematic attitude! I gave up on him!
Yes my family practices shaming as a punishment or attempt at enforcing conformity. Mocking and ridicule as "teasing" and "humor". Disdain, scorn, ostracizing, etc. Exclusion, ignoring, etc. So very toxic.
I was the re recipient
of such by the monster-in-law and her flying monkeys.
My golden sister child JUST texted our family bartered in “humor”. I had my first passive suicidal ideation at 5. I am 54, sister is 58.
It makes us into Sigmas if we can keep our core foundation protected...and do that be being quiet. And hard as it is, just agree with their bs comments and let it roll off your back.
They laugh when someone falls or drops something, especially children. So you become the comic and learn to laugh at yourself and smile even if you're hurt.
My son has to go through this with his other family (his dad and new wife) they sent me a video of him falling and them laughing. I hate them and my parents and there’s nothing I can do about it. Yet.
Yet
....@@LHydro
or laugh at you expressing genuine emotion during a stressful situation. my mom laughed at me for missing my dad and crying while i left him a voicemail.
I relate to this comment so much and if I were to explain/tell my story it would take up so much space. 💛 to all who suffer
I don't know if you all have noticed this guys, but this is actually demonic.
How can someone laugh at somebody else falling Or making genuine expressions of feelings if they are not robots or robotic themselves?
Maybe, they are organic robots ready to get used as portals by demonic entities.
Thank you. I am 75 but still coming to grips with all this. ❤
@robynbellamy7548,
Me too, Robyn. Im 70+ and coming to grips with this in a very in-my-face kind of way.
I'm happy to be leaning these lessons.
I'm ready to have some peace about who I am and the positive things I've accomplished in this lifetime, despite what my narcissistic family says to me, and about me.
We are all on the same path, living and learning as we go! 🦋🌷🦋
Robyn, me too. I'm an 82 yr old empath and still hurting. A lot.
@@marjoriegarner5369 Me too. I am 75. Prayers for both of us. 🙏❤🙏❤🙏❤
@@marjoriegarner5369 I am so sorry that you are hurting. I hope you feel better soon and experience true joy and contentment.
Me too, I'm 72 and just learning why it has been so hard to be a sensitive empath growing up with holocaust survivor super insane narcissistic parents
Three Honorable discharges, A teacher of West Point, and A lifetime of not understanding why I am like I am. 60 years and I JUST WOKE UP! THANKS JERRY.
My therapist emphasized, and emphasized, and emphasized self care to the point that it's an attitude for me now.
I need to work on this. Even things as small as cutting back on streaming services eats away at me. Cause it’ll cut off my narc mom and golden child brother from using them.. and because neither of them work the guilt just drives me nuts. I put people ahead of me
Yes , it took me SO long to learn this . But , now at 45 I’m finally comfortable saying no to others , which is a big part of self care. That, and allowing myself whatever I need ( even if just a 20 min nap) to maintain a healthy state of mind . Surrounding myself w positive people helps tremendously too .. I avoid the critical types as much as possible.
No matter how they treated you, you have integrity and a pure heart and they have no soul. We live in an incredibly narcissitic, horrendous world but we are the winners because our hearts will always be pure. Head up, you're a hidden hero! 💛
Yes!!! I would never want to be an unfeeling monster. They're not fooling anyone. They're so miserable. I don't even know who wants to be around them. They're exhausting.
@@c4tmh133but they can be nice to other people when they want to though, to maintain fuel and attention, all smiles and charm
We are all born with a fallen nature. We all have traits of narcissism because we are all selfish by nature.
It's how it all works
I needed this message today🦋 thank you.
Being out numbered in a family can lead to many discounts for the empath, especially if their observations are uncomfortable for other family members, not just parents. It can create considerable self doubt for the empath and lead to serious inner conflicts for an empath child.
To go your entire young life into middle age close with one or 2 ir few family members thinking and believing they get this especially the one as it was her mom Imy aunt I first learned the word scapegoat from. She asked one family visit day why are you the scapegoat as a few other cousins mocked and teased my young brother by 4 years I was maybe 11,I just didn't get it. When we got home that word emblazoned in my brain I looked it up in the dictionary from that time on I mulled that over and sadly continued in those shoes. My brother became more and more the entitled one living out his lies and drama instigating anything to get me to react so they would react to me..he became a master at, his entitled narcissistic cruel and trouble causing Schick continued til he and his destroyed what family if it ever was by taking and disregulated behaviors Chameleons 😮Don't look back find your peace it's necessary for you health the stress they create will take you down A heart attack strike, ulcers any auto immune disease stress triggers STEP ASIDE
He calls those here " systems feelings".
It's okay to walk away quietly 👣🆓☮️🕊️✌️
Thank you.
Like Jesus said, "Dust off your feet and walk away from that tent."
😔❤️🩹
I didn’t go quietly but I WENT! LOL!
When I was 15 years old and she was 40. We fought like cats and dogs! I hated growing up with her. I was an adopted child . I was her maid for the most of the time. I hated her, saying, "I'd be shamed if I were you. All the time. She said it was to my son, who was 3yrs old. I blew a gasgit. I said, "HE HAS NOTHING TO BE A SHAMED ABOUT."
😭 oh hell no, when they come after children it’s go time cos NO 😭
I was the biological child, and it didn't make a lot of difference. I have been more or less discarded as an sdult and my son has never had any attention at all, presumably because he's mine. ❤
Mine was having sex with many men at age 12 just so id tell my dad..But i wouldn't..She was and still is trash at age of 82..❤
I'm a biological child and lived it also. I can't imagine what it must be like in their head
"They hate and need you."😂
They're so weak and pathetic.
This is my father in a nutshell. He’s put the same game on me for better part 40 years. He hated me and he needed me because he was too lazy to do any of the work himself and my mother was stupid enough to allow him to push what he wantedand I have a stroke so useless to him is over with so now every chance he gets, he calls me out.
The irony 😂
They hate to need you, but need to hate you.
Such a relief when I buried mine 5 months ago at 97. I managed my relationship with her so much better in the last few years of her life but her passing lifted such a weight off me. I followed it up by blocking a flying monkey sibling who is slso probably a narc and told her all estate matters are to go through my lawyer. Im 69 and finally figured it all out.
Thank you for sharing.
Happy freedom day! I pray to God above to have the same exact experience. Thank you.
With Mothers Day coming up, I DREAD buying a card. Nonr of yhem are plain enough. I just send the obligated "gift". She lives a few streets away from me, I see her maybe every 6 months. Took me abt 8 yrs to get rid of the guilt abt distancing myself. As a kid I convinced myself, I had a real mom somewhere else. Proud to say I broke the cycle w my children.
I totally feel the same.😟 😬
I stopped giving anything to my mom.. As she never appreciate watever i give
This is so deep and uncomfortable and devastating. Thank you for this. I let my family destroy me. I did not understand what was going on for too long.
I know, me to
Me as well!
I had no clue what was going on either.
So did my brother. He took his own life. You're still here so love yourself and get healthy and free. ❤
@@YeshuaHamashiach5791I’m so sorry about your brother. I lost mine this year. same tragic circumstances.
This explains it! I was adopted & was the "perfect child," but my mother always resented & hated me. I'm empathic enough that if I see a stranger cry, I'll cry too. When I married & moved 1,000 miles away, it only took a few years for her to pull the tantrum of the century: the large box of Xmas presents I sent arrived before the check. When I called to wish her Merry Xmas, I got the nasty tone & knew she was "in a mood." She proceeded to call out every gift & criticize it as if it were the only gift, and intended to be a massive insult. When I told her the check would probably arrive the next day, it made no difference. I melted down in a sobbing mess & went to a therapist. He immediately pulled out a reference book & told me about malignant narcissists. It rang so true! Even a week later (after she'd gotten the check), my Dad put her on the phone & she STILL was furious! She had admitted to Dad that "she spoke too soon" but still couldn't stop herself. I could never understand how she could so viciously hate a shy, perfectly behaved little girl who got great grades; luckily, I do now. I told her off after that, and she restrained her open viciousness (I was an only child & there were no other relatives). But she hated me until the day she died - which was literally the first day I felt free of dread.
I felt so incredibly liberated when I heard, from a mutual person, my covert narc mom died! I had cut all ties with her 7 years prior, but she lived only 5 miles from me, and there was always this dread of running into her somewhere, like a store, or something. I was over the moon that day, and so happy, like I had just won a much needed stack of money. I remember going to the store that day, and the cashier asked "how my day is going" I said amazing! I wanted to continue and say my guilt-manufacturing mom just died. Hallelujah! But I know how "inappropriately strange" that would sound. 😉
I finally became free when they died. Until then, they abused me. Mostly with guilt and shame.
Still, those feelings might linger.
I'm still calling myself " bloody perfectionist" ( I was trying to get good word from my parents). And I'm 64
both of my parent did the same! mother died back at2009 but father is still alive,,,,,,, i m watting for that day, unfortunatly.
Empaths exposes them and say truth that why
Thank you
Never thought myself as truthteller, but appears I'm one.
Yes!!! We're Kryptonite to these self proclaimed "perfect" people. The mirror they're always avoiding.
So true. It’s still impossible for other people who’ve never encountered someone so awful to understand.
My mother would always drag me into her self-created chaos and get me worked up. As soon as she got me upset enough to aleviate her repressed or unexpressed emotion she would cut the conversation short and go behind my back and make me the irrational one, often going as far as apologizing for my reaction to whoever she was upset with. I finally cut ties six months ago. I'm 62 and have forty years of my whole lifetime left. They are mine and I'm not sacrificing another single day of it waiting for her to die.
I WAS the family "hero" until I started putting up boundaries. Jerry described my mother, ex-husband and son perfectly. I went no contact four years ago and am still struggling to break free of them. Thank you Jerry for validating our experience.
Watch these people closely. Get firm in your humanity and then look at them hard. When they’re going through something, it’s the realest thing happening and everything else has to stop for them.
If someone else is having trouble or big feelings, to these soul vampires it’s all just stupid drama.
I agree
Well, they sure know how to feel hate. Envy. jealousy.
They're just like their father, Satan.
Those are the only emotions they can feel. They can not possess joy, love or peace. Very sad
And I learned how to feel nothing for them after a certain point.
They are who they are. They will never change.
@@Ayebaybayethat’s sad
My dad wanted me to have empathy just not for myself.
so you had a Good Dad !
They don't want to reciprocate. Exactly!
They simply like manipulating more empathetic individuals, while at the same time despising them. But they also need them. Dump your narc without a backward glance. It'll cut deep.
Even If it's a parent ? Who will be homeless without you ?
My narcissistic father demands sympathy and empathy yet he has nothing but contempt for me
Same here. How do you reconcile this in your mind? I struggle, but getting to acceptance point now.
I see so many worthy people in the comment section with experiences similar to mine but I know we will never connect. I am an empath but I was the invisible child in my family. I learned early that it is better to be alone than with the wrong people and with time, I am getting good at spotting who the wrong people are. I have outlived the evil in my family and have finally learned how to see and avoid new abusers. I look forward to my best years.
My mother was horrible to me. I didn’t really resent being the scapegoat when it deflected the hate away from my sisters. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I didn’t love my mother. Now I see it was survival. I couldn’t sacrifice “myself.”
Jerry you have helped me so much to understand the horrible toxicity of my family of origin. At the age of 65 I am still in the early stages of self care and trying to love myself.
You are so welcome!
Juanita… I hear you! I am in the same boat with you! At 65 myself trying to learn to take care of myself, and love myself! ((( HUGS!)))❤️👍🏻
My father always hated me. I was always independent, intelligent & would question all of his abuse & stand up to him. I missed out on a father / daughter relationship. My mother was my hero. We were very alike.
Same here except my mom wasn't around. All I had was this stranger playing a father role when he actually hated me.
@@cassiebennet4262 Yes. Mom and her family are my "support system" since Dad has never cared about me at all. He doesn't give a crap about my feelings. He's a narcissist and a jackass!
Same here but the abuse took moms life
My narcissistic sadistic mother with zero empathy always hated my dad and me. Unfortunately also my brother is a terrible evil narcissist sadistic with zero empathy. My dad was a empath and I am a empath. My mother and my brother always hated my dad and me, stole from us, abused us mentally physically and financially.
It would have been wonderfully freeing to figure out earlier, in my life, that going "no contact" would be best FOR ME. But we're brainwashed into thinking that A. they can't survive without us feeding them their daily bread of support and B. that we ourselves don't deserve any of that nourishment for ourselves. If only the concept of "no contact" or "Just ghost 'em" had been front of mind when I was 16. I could have got clean away, as I left home at that age, and could literally have disappeared from my family's life, finally and forever. But my younger brother was still at home, and we were close then. I had no problem ghosting guys if I didn't like them or they treated me disrespectfully (even if I was really keen on them), when I started dating. I'd cut them clean out of my life like a surgeon. Yet my family...it just never occurred to me as a solution for ME. However, I don't regret the long run of lessons. I've learnt a lot. Nothing is wasted.
At least your dad was with you and you were not alone, some girls are all alone by themselves deals with narcissistic parents and brother
I know that my empathy is so heightened as an adult from having to anticipate the everchanging moods of people in the household as a child. Then they mocked the thing they'd created for being who I was. Can't win and shouldn't try except to get out of there. ❤
❤
I’ve come to realize in my mid thirties my entire personality was based on being codependent people pleaser . To recover I set boundaries and work on self esteem and self love daily ❤ everyone from my past fell off when I woke up
Calling in the little abused puppy , reassuring and convincingly pleading for her to trust just one more time, give the praise and reward until you roll over and they get in reach of your soft under-belly and they then kick you. And then their satisfied smirk 😏 cracks their face.
Thats a horrid image but so true. My narc father likes to let us have something for a bit, and then take it away with no warning. Just to show its all his. Nothing is mine everything is his.
Yes, the smirk is truly awful. Caught it on a zoom call with a sibling recently and it made me sick.
Yes. The SMIRK is the dead giveaway of people with these tendencies. Always watch for the smirk. They can't help themselves. So you have to learn to become like a poker player, give no "tells" and become expert at reading theirs. Give 'em nothing, take 'em nowhere, drop 'em off halfway without a map.
Very vivid imagery and good analogy
Narcissist inlaws especially hate empath daughter inlaws but rely on empath daughter in law to maintain a relationship with their also narc or just disinterested son.
My first marriage to a T
So true!!!
Dear fellow empaths, I now always assume that I have been fair..... as we as empaths do not short people in situations. 2. I remember to accept that others are manipulative, etc , and that I do not need to try and make them less manipulative. My only job is to accept that I have been fair and move on. 3. It does not matter to me if they understand me. These are my steps to freedom. Much love, your fellow empath
Wow great advice. Thank you!❤
Being an empath, when u learn to shoot lasers from your eyes, even the narcissist can't do their nonsense in your orbit. Challenge is not letting the darkness engulf you.
"I don't need you to be okay"- Yes! This is what I see and am growing into.
Absolutely felt!! I always felt the need to fix everyone so that they are OK, like I am somehow responsible for their feelings. This is an impossible and exhausting task.
If I remember that I don’t NEED you to be OK , I’m OK
I am an empath. My wife is a covert narc. You just described our marriage. It’s horrible and i fell for it long before i understood it.
I’m so sorry. Grey rock her, work on your boundaries and self worth. Protect your finances
I could never understand why my mother kept me around because she didn't like me. She was envyish of me, but now I get it. She wanted "How I can talk to people with ease and I could express my emotions in a healthy way. I'm convinced that she wanted to be me.
Thank you Jerry for this enlightenment.
You’re welcome!
Cycle of conflict. Yes! In summation: When I saw that she hadn't changed, I distanced myself because I refused to have a repeat of my first 20 years with her. I won't do it- mother or not.
You are not alone
Absolutely same! After I had kids (2) I knew I needed all my patience, all my inner peace and all my mental health to be the best parent I possibly can be. She was making me stressed even during the pregnancies. For the second one, I didn’t even ALLOW her to be there lmao. She sent my dad to ask me if I “wanted” her to come check on me after giving birth to see that everything turned out ok. We were already not speaking. So, I answered the question very calmly and happy at my newfound freedom, “No 🙂” lmao. No, I don’t “want” her to check on me at all lol. My dad who had never heard that word from me 😂 was angry for a minute, “No??! Why not?? She just wants to come check??” I’m like I don’t care 🙂 it’s kind of an important day for me too 🙂🙃 hhahahah so nah, I’m gonna decide this time ☺️😇😌 lol.
@@arcturianoracle784 Good for you! 👏
@@arcturianoracle784same here. My sister was sent to ask me if the ‘ mother’ who I didn’t not seen for 20 years could meet when I was pregnant. I said no. So she punished me by turning my sisters towards her....making her will for them to cut me out...not allowing me to be invited to family events. Etc
@@FoxyUSAx That’s awful. I wonder what kind of credit they’re seeking to get from interacting with our pregnancies lol. I noticed that in my “mother” it was like she was ashamed for anyone to know that I did not even want her to be there, even for that event. That shame took precedent in her mind and that’s like what she cared about with my pregnancy lmao. Oh, you know just my life on the line but yes let me put my comfort aside on that day for your comfort 😂. Yeah, right. You did the right thing protecting yourself. I’m so sorry about your sisters.
Does anyone else see that on UA-cam now it seems every adult raised in America comes from at least one narcissistic parent? I don't even know one person who does not relate to the narc parents scenario. Why are there so many narcs? Just everywhere, it's maddening!
Because they raised by broken parents where yelling beating shaming all that is all about control and in there eyes disaplin like how nearly every boss work for acts same way it's our time to fix broken patterns teach out kids the correct way
I think there are more narc parents out there than originally thought. People sugar coat their childhoods. Especially on Facebook. I used to. I posted happy family stuff. Luckily I went 95% no contact. I also have autoimmune diseases so that and Covid made it easy. I have to mask up and socially distance. I don't have children. It is just me and my boyfriend. We also moved 100 miles away. No more Thanksgiving or Christmas. I hate putting on a show. I am an authentic person. My boyfriend and I do our own Christmas and Thanksgiving. It is 100% better.
You are Absolutely correct they cannot stand Empathetic people am a true witness
I was always an empath. When I was little watching "Casper the Friendly Ghost"; when everyone ran from him scared, I cried and said, I'll be your friend!!!
Me, too!! 50 years later and I still get a pang in my heart just reading his name in your comment. You opened my eyes just now as to how much my inner self identified with sweet little Casper.
@@cherylmockotr Awesome! You felt it!
This made me smile. ❤
@@glidden67 😊🧡
I was a child, watching a movie in which young Shirley Temple was taken away from her beloved grandfather by a cruel relative. Tears were rolling down my face, bc I found the movie to be sad, and my stepmom started to make fun of me for crying. I was pretty young but I remember thinking "you old bat, you have no feelings." The stepmom laughs at anything like empathy as being "sentimental." She and I really dont understand one another at all. Thx Dr. Wise ❤
Welcome!
"Heidi." I think that is the movie. My favourite Shirley Temple movie.
@@hellokitty777able yes! :)
Yes, I was so touched by that movie, too! I remember her crying for her Grandfather! My evil twin was not moved in the least.
I had the same experience age around 5 or 6 crying because I was seeing all these starving children from Africa on the tv screen. The whole room laughed at me and mocked me. It was utterly confusing and I just left the room and never understood it until all these decades later.. and content like this.
I learned to supress my emotions early in life. By 11, I had high blood pressure and ulcers. At 13, my ulcers bled. I had a wonderful family doctor who told my parents to get their crap together before they killed me or he had me removed. He gave me a book on self-hypnosis that probably saved my life.
My mother hated that I learned my emotions were mine and hers belonged to her. I learned to walk away, either physically or mentally.
However, I was in my late 40s / early 50s when I realized what my mother was. I started sharing it with my older sister, and we went on the "discovery" journey of "mom's a narcissist" together. It was a blessing to confirm it with someone who lived it.
I was hoping me and my bro could grow stronger and closer together as we aged and could always be bonded in our trauma. Well, instead he cut me out 4 years ago and then took his life this year... Now I have no one alive who knew what we went through first hand. My other sibling (who was the golden) passed away in 2012 from cancer. I hope you and your sibling remain close. ❤️
@noshame5791 - I'm so sorry. My eldest brother died last year and it's hard when your siblings die, I know.
I'm really lucky to have my sister. I make sure to tell her so regularly.
You don’t get to have my insides!!! WOW. I needed that! Helps me, empowers me to not over love, not feel like I am responsible for fixing others feelings.!!
Best lesson to learn as an empath is wisdom and God can give you that. When you start feeling a lot pause and start thinking more. Think through and above how you feel. A narcissistic depends on your feeling and expressing. Learn how to pause that for true clarity.
Excellent advise.😊
Spot on!
Someone once said that codependency is needing to be needed. We’re all needed in some capacity but if we need to be needed then we are codependent.
Well said. 🎯
No, no one who is codependent ever said that. codependency is slavery, youre one of the many sociopaths who wish copendenents wanted to be controlled by you.
That’s me the hated empath that calls everybody out on their shit and I’ll never stop doing it! Great content as always! The greatest healing that ever happened and any humans lives has always been the discovery of unconditional love from our father God in heaven these parents on earth are not our actual parents. They are just the vessels that brought us here! but God is our father and our mother and the ultimate parent that died for us and his beautiful unconditional love he loves you no matter what you do is so healing please everybody understand his healing love you don’t have to earn his love you don’t have to prove anything. It’s there for you Jesus is love is always there.❤
I am beyond grateful for psychiatric UA-cam.
I thought I was a monster for wanting to see my narcissistic parent dead.
Thankfully, growing up to be twice the size and weight of my father really changed the power dynamic.
The only thing narcissistic people understand really well is the threat of physical violence.
But choose your battles wisely. Sometimes, even if you win, you'll still lose.
In other words, no matter how bad someone was in the past, physically beating an older person makes you look worse.
My mother destroyed not only my childhood, but she destroyed my adult life, too. Not only she didn't help me in anything, but she took good care to ruin everything that I ever succeded by my own. When I bought my own house, she bullied me. I was in a relationship at that time and she made me lose everything: my love interest and even my health. And she didn't stop there, not only she ruined all my relationships and plans, she proceeded to ruin my relationship with my dad after that, too 😓🤦♀️👿.
My narc mom was always fake-feeling - sooo melodramatic - always the victim - always in crisis - she told me she wanted to kill herself when I was 6 yrs old. I learned very early that I was supposed to take care of her - as she tried to systematically destroy my life.
So appreciate this. I’m 62 years old and just started figuring out the messed up life I have had. Finally at peace with my no contact decision with my dad. Sad but necessary
I was hated because she thought I was stupid and not obedient enough. My father loved me as the baby of the family so I think there was some jealousy at times. I resembled my father and she was very vocal about how much she hated him.
How does someone become an unfeeling person??? I know what you say in the video is correct, but it escapes my imagination how someone is unable to feel. Growing up I was constantly told I was too sensitive. The whole time they were just insensitive. Mind blowing.
Watch the video again. The key word is detachment. Nothing wrong with being a feeling person. What is wrong is when we are forced to feel the shame and belittlement put on us by narcissists.
That's an interesting question. But more important question is how to deal with present situation, our situation, how we can help ourselves.
Because if you'll start to dig narcs6 past or theories about how they made /born /whatever you might well to start excuse them and justify them, and be running again OLD family programing. I did it 20 years ago.
Do you really need it? Or what you really need is to help yourself and fast.
I didn't know about this fact until recently.. Narcissists like sociopaths have different brain structures than the rest of us. I'm still getting over trauma having had a crazy, narcissistic mother who is still alive.
Differentiating feelings. Yes! What has helped to do that is my rule #3: "Carry not what is not yours to carry." Sometimes I have to remind myself but it helps.
Me too, DEEP breath, give it to God! Less to carry
I was brutally beaten by my boyfriend when I was 18 years old. I was crying, telling my mother what happened, and she asked: why are you so weak? Go back to your boyfriend. He did that because he loves you. 😮😮... I have never trusted her again after that.
Girl wtf?
@RobeenMohammad yes...and then several years later, when I was in a stable loving relationship in my 40's... my mother called me to tell me that my abusive ex boyfriends mother had passed away and that I should call and comfort him in his grief. I cut her off for two years....didn't speak to her....then she called me out of the blue pretending that she did not understand what happened between us and that she was sure that all we needed was a 30 minutes talk to resolve everything. I answered that there is no need to talk. She is such narcisst.
@@victoriakawesa3558 that’s sick
I can relate, my mother said she could have handled my d.v. nex and if I was missing them I could go back. Then I got really ill and a he called me weak! Then she accused me of laughing at her when she was in hospital having an operation. The days you realise your own mother cannot care and is loony!
Soo true and mean of her.. I faced many mean experiences too.. One such is Wen i got sexually assaulted by my sisters husband, she blamed me! Saying it's my fault..I must have been interested! (Still she's in talks with her narc daughter!! )
Never had any empathy or sorry for whatever they did to me, both my parents.. Total horrors
Both my parents are narcissists. I was although given all materialistic ''love" I was always told what kind of an ungrateful monster I was who made her parents miserable.
When I confronted them in my adult life my mother said... It's because you never listened to us.
I was a straight A student, never cheated in school, never smoked, drank, never went to a club, stayed virgin till marriage at 28.
I was someone they always wanted to bully and control. A punching bag, a stress buster to be yelled at. To be blamed for all their problems.
I was never good enough. My father said . Sorry i made you feel that way.. but I'm 60 and i can't change.
I'm low contact now working on my mental health. Considering going NC some day in the future if needed.
🍀
You deserve better
It's funny my golden child brother caused them nothing but problems. They never blamed him for anything. He could do no wrong. Even after he knocked a girl that he knew for 10 mins at a bar. They never said one word against him. I was called an old maid for getting married at 24.
My dad forbade me to cry after we lost my younger sister due to a long battle with addiction and health issues. This was 4 years ago and dad has also passed away. I still can't believe he did that to me.
I don't think I ever truly knew either of my parents, because they were so afraid of being their raw selves especially in front of non family, so afraid of telling any story where they made a mistake because I don't think they really learn from their mistakes since they can't admit them
Demons do not have empathy.
My opinion is that narcissists are skilful at FAKING empathy
They do not fake It they do not have It. Demons do not have empathy
@@Unknownpm3682 many people knew my mother as a compassionate charitable woman. What they didn't know is that I used to beg her to give me some pocket money while in boarding school
They try to fake it but discernment tells you immediately it’s cognitive empathy.
@@Ayebaybaye exactly my point
Yet they cry and rage. They just don't want you to admit your hurting.
We aren't allowed to hurt.
No, my mom enjoyed when I was crying. It was her reward and her supply
She was guilty tripping me for everything, then leaving me to cry myself and weeping myself to exhaustion
@@matikramer9648 I am so sorry 😞
My siblings did similarly to me. 💔
@@matikramer9648they feed off your pain. Your pain is their resurrection, that’s why no contact is necessary if possible. That or the grave
My husband, me and our kids were asked to participate in something pretty big that was about farming. It was during this wonderful time that his mother let her mask slip…she was upset she wasn’t included- she chose to be jealous/upset/temper tantrum instead of being happy for us. The guilt my husband felt was too much. It was that day I realized the emotional abuse that had gone on for far too long❤
You might cover this in this video but I want to say this before I forget.. My experience has been that they hate everyone but an empath feels everything.. I need to realize that being an empath is a spiritual gift and I need to learn how to use it.. Rather than people-pleasing I need to people-avoid..
I would say that if we focus on others then we are giving away our power..
I used to try and make my mother feel better by feeling for her. This never worked, of course, and as an adult I have caught myself feeling for others to an extreme degree, and this, of course, pushed many people away. I'm sure I constantly pushed healthy people away. When I started to practice self-awareness and therapy and healing, I started to notice how exhausting "feeling" so much for everyone else was. I like how you describe that over feeling for others is a way of taking away from yourself - thank you Jerry.
It is quite simple really...they are dark, you are light and you are iron and they the crucible ...you chose your path and your mission is to become forged Steel!!!
Yup, good vs evil. Battle that's been going on since the beginning of time.
At first they know something is wrong. Then, after many years of disappointment, they know there’s nothing there.
This empath learned early that the ability to lack emotion is a weakness
My emotions might reveal me but simply being revealed is not revealing a vulnerability to the honest but galvanized empath
My narc mother tells my daughter I 'keep a list of all the things she has done' and I corrected her that I have documented proof of her pattern of behavior. My medical file from the 1970's documents that she neglect my treatment plan for 3 years resulting in spinal fusion at 11 years old! She is 80 now and still cannot accept that her choices did this to me. She used to threaten to jump of a bridge just to manipulate me to not tell anyone what really happened.
😱
She is unconscious MASTER of manipulation
Further away - better
We over love them. Yes! I did that in a romantic relationship and was cut right down the middle, and, of course, the narcissist excused, minimized, deflected, and etc.
Yep. Me too.
I was always accused of being too sensitive but then on the other hand accused of not loving my mother. I’m very low contact now. She’s absolutely insane and just getting worse as she ages and loses control
You need a real help
For yourself and now
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Thank you Jerry. These videos are helping me to understand my toxic Mother (deceased Father) and older brother and how they always came against me as the youngest daughter in a Pakistani family. I am in my 50’s now and I am Christian (which makes me even more of a black sheep!) but I am healing and understanding more about toxic narcissistic behaviours. God bless you and may you continue in your quest to bring enlightenment and healing to victims of narcissistic parents and siblings.🙏
My mom took me to see the movie, “Mommy Dearest” when I was 13 and she was 50. I sat in shocked silence in that theatre thinking someone had videotaped our home life. It made me sick to watch.
On the way out of the theatre Mom was all aglow saying what a wonderful movie that was and what a strong good mom Koan Crawford was! I knew for sure that night my mother was a demon.
“They don’t get to have your insides.” Wow. Thank you. I never saw it has entitlement, but you’re completely right. My family believes I should feel a certain way, whether it’s guilt or upset, shame, or whatever. And they never ever ever ever stop until they think they can perceive that I feel that way. Also,I thought my only self-worth was in my ability to sense and relieve their upset. I still think that in lots of ways. This is so illuminating.
Any healthy person has empathy, some are just closed down to it.
If you're closed down to your empathy you're not healthy.
@@websurfer5772 not true. It's often the right move to close down certain channels if you're dealing with healing trauma. But pretending that having empathy makes you special is just new age ego.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 Oh yeah, I see what you mean.
I’m in a season of healing and feel I have lost my empathy. I hope I get it back.
Yes there are so many who actually claim Empaths have super powers like mind reading, and ability to heal others and other new age stuff, I refuse to use the term. I indeed have heightened empathy from early on, living as a scapegoat in a narcissitic family system. That empathy drew me to being a RN for a career. I didn't choose it to make money, I cared about the patients. I have no superpowers. But faced recently with the death of my narcisditic mother at 94, dealing with the narc siblings for the first time in years en mass was overwhelming as they live in a very faux world of superficiality and I deal in facts and real life. It was a disturbing reunion.
Jerry, thank you so much for explaining all that I went through as an empath growing up with narcissistic parents. I remember my parents doing really wicked things to me, e.g. constantly telling lies against me and beating me for what I did not do etc., whilst acknowledging that I was the only one out of all their children, who exhibited constant kindness and compassion towards them and other people.
Jerry, I canNOT tell you how grateful and blessed I feel to have found you. I have spent thousands of dollars in my adult life in therapy due to my narcissistic mom. You are 1000% spot on and you nail my feelings and how to move forward in a way NO ONE ever had!! Thank you kindly and God bless you for this ministry!!!
I’m so glad you’re finding my videos helpful! Have you joined my free training yet? 😊
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
I came across this by accident and got hooked straight away everything I've heard so far that's how I feel 😢
Narcissism repeats itself through the generations. My father was a narcissist. As the second born I spent most of my childhood in my room away from my family because I knew my father would go into a rage after having a few drinks. As an adult I did not marry the father of my son because he too was prone to going into a rage. Now my son is a responsible adult, has no problems with rage, and works full-time but was involved with a narcissist who had his child 12 years ago. Today, his daughter, my granddaughter is required to take care of her mother who has stage 4 breast cancer. Before her mom was diagnosed with cancer, I was limited to seeing my granddaughter to about twice a year. As an eighth grader my granddaughter is schooled online while spending all of her free time taking care of her mother. I saw her about a year ago. My granddaughter has no friends (I asked within the last week during a conversation with her mother. I have contact with the mother because the child support gets paid through my checking account). What's worse - I'm fairly certain that the maternal grandparents are expecting my granddaughter to take care of them in their old age. I don't know what the paternal grandparents have said about me (the maternal grandmother is a narcissist). Because I feel other people's emotions, I know my granddaughter prefers to avoid me.
Isn't it interesting how often highly sensitive people and empaths, like ourselves, are born into narcissistic families? I know that I was born an empath, not created.
Interesting that you say that because my gut feeling is that I was also born with an empathetic nature, and that my brothers were all born with BPD characteristics to a greater or lesser extent. In my situation I do not feel that nurture had anything to do with how my family's personalities evolved which is contrary to current theories floating around.
@@deemaysie6568 I understand. My older sister has NPD and the other one has narcissistic traits. My Mom was an empath and my dad is an overt , sister is covert. I definitely inherited my sensitivity from my lovely mother. You are right to say our views are contrary to popular beliefs. But if you read Elaine Aron you will understand that HSPs are born, we are not made.
I think narcissists are drawn to empaths because of our kindness so they exploit that. So then you have the genetics in the picture where one sibling might inherit the tendencies towards narcissism from the one parent but the other sibling will inherit the HSP nervous system. I do believe that my sister could have turned out healthy had she not been the “ golden “ child. It’s heartbreaking to realize you never had loving siblings and that, ultimately, your destiny is separation from your biological family. But once we separate we can create our own families through friendships etc. We just have to work through the CPTSD to the degree we are able.
@@heatherIsla BPD sufferers have lots of empathy but it is mixed up so with the insanity of cluster b, that is is heartbreaking to have, as well as to be a victim of. I am looking forward to gaining insight into future discoveries of how genetics, especially mother-son and daughter-father genetics play into the development of mental disorders.
@@deemaysie6568 I know very little about BPD.
the best thing I have done for myself was WALKING OUT OF THE FAMILY! I tried a couple of times to find a way of communication, I failed (or did they?) and now I live MY life, free of their criticism.
Thank you for verifying my feelings and thoughts, they were real and I am NOT "too sensitive"! Keep up the good work, Dr. Wise!
(Ioanna from Greece. yes, the problem is international!)
The distinction between systems feelings and my feelings is very helpful, thank you.
You're very welcome
Yes. Being mimicked was the most surprising thing about my narc mom
At 60 I have seen what has truly been going on… thank you for your wisdom you have truly saved my life ❤
I have covert narc mom. She cries at the drop of a hat but likes to tell people I am “senstive”. I grew up with TONNES of mixed messaging. Like I’m so great but yet « have so far to go “. I broke when she wrote a book “about herself” that included information in it about me and my marriage that I did not give her permission to share.
Abusers tend to blame their victims. So sorry for the betrayal of confidence.
Well they certainly feel jealousy and anger and insecurity and pettiness
Narcissistic systems of any and all types despise the truth because the truth exposes them. Be very grateful if you’ve survived, moved on and you are now thriving for you are one of the fortunate few. ❤ good luck out there
OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH. My mother often calls me weak for my emotionality.
You're so welcome!