Yes!! They can flip anything you say sincerely around, turning it on you, then come out looking like a saint! It's narcissism and gas lighting at its finest!! Once I went to see a friend and when I got home I was so happy to see my 1st husband (we ended up divorcing), that I gave him a rose. He immediately started asking, "Did you cheat on me?" I was simply happy to see him, and no, I did not cheat on him. I learned later he had been cheating on me! That's why he thought I was doing it, because he was. There was all kinds of abuse in that relationship, and this is just one example of it.
Abuse is not always physical. Abuse is being ignored, not being validated, not being supported on an emotional level, being excluded from decision making and money matters. Being counter parented, being critisized, not being seen and acknowledged. Not spending time with me. Not listening to me. Not buying me flowers. Not helping me in and around the house. Not honoring your word. Not keeping your promises. Being absent throughout the marriage. Being a complete covert manipulator. Narcissism should be declared a criminal offence. For 25 years he treated me this way.
I read Darby's book a few years ago, after leaving a marriage of 27 years, and six children. I never asked for help, because I in such denial about the things my ex-husband was doing/saying to me. When my eldest daughter helped me and my youngest leave, my ex went on a full-blown smear campaign, and the former friends at my church seemed to count me as the one who was to blame. It has been heartbreaking. Still no pastoral help being offered. My ex still attends church, and that is how he keeps his false-persona alive. I felt she did a beautiful job of opening up the difficult and confusing nuances of domestic abuse in Christian marriages. Thank you, Darby.
I went to my church several times in regards to my marriage problems. There was one incident of physical abuse, they knew of. There was also rampant verbal, and emotional abuse, which they knew of. They were not helpful, and told me I needed to work on my forgiveness. When I finally told them I needed to separate from my husband because he was unrepentant, and refused to get help. They cut me loose and offered no more help to me. I was left on my own. I left my church which was difficult, but their treatment of me, made it easier.
So sorry. It happens a lot! They don't accept it because they don't know how to help and because they think church goers shouldn't have marrital problems. Total ignorance on their part
@@beautifulheart7 I agree with you. In my last email to my pastor, I voiced my concerns over women that were far more abused than me in our church, that were told they needed to work on their forgiveness, or, like me, were left on their own, when they decided to separate from their husbands. :(
Exactly my situation. My spouse is a respected [person in the community. It was hard to talk to any Pastor and when I found one, we had a dinner and my husband stormed out of the restaurant, pushing me. The Pastor saw it and got frightened saying “has he done this before? Is he going to get into the car and get hurt? He never brought anything up and we left while after. Even a Christian friend told me I just have to focus on ,my life and respond differently, that its up to ME to change the abuse. The church has a hard time calling out sin.
Many people in an abusive marriage, myself included, don't tell family and friends what's going on behind closed doors. I'm surprised this didn't come up in the conversation. I minimized things for a lot of reasons. It was just over a year ago when I finally left, and it was then that I started telling the people who cared about me what was really happening.
I also did the same thing..I didn't tell anyone until after I left. I felt so ashamed, scared, confused, helpless, and hopeless from the trauma I was experiencing. I think the first step is to tell someone, but it is also the hardest. And unfortunately after I told people, many people didn't believe me.
Many times, the abused is so worn down and stressed for so many years, that they become an angry person, while the abuser, many times a narcissist is admired by all. That put the abused in a position to not be believed that they are the ones suffering, so when they try and tell close friends, they wont be believed or they are told that THEY need to change. Especially if you are in the church and try and get council from Pastors, who are men, who are ill equipped to challenge the abuser. They just dont want to get involved so you suffer in silence. They say “you just have to change your response. Its how you respond that will determine the abuse”/ Women are victimized even more.
Yes, this was disappointing. First she says you have to be careful to label it abuse and use that word, then her recommendation is to find a friend to read the book for you. I don’t know anyone who would do that for anyone else. So now you are depending on the friend. When she says before that that the friends give advice.. and wrong advice…I guess it sells books.
I was blessed to have a supportive pastor, family and friends who helped me get out of a very toxic marriage. Months of prayer and an unrepentant spouse helped me to make the decision.
@@debbiemartin2026 this happened to me too. They believed him and took his side. We both stepped down from worship team to reconcile our marriage. They completely sided with him and blamed me for all of the problems. They put him back on stage behind my back. I am so hurt and feel betrayed. They did not help me, they made it worse and my adult daughter and I have formally left the church. My husband rubs it in and threatens to tell everyone at church when I’m not acting right. It’s awful. He goes to church alone and just ignores me.
@@emiliaa6175 my long comment to you got deleted. Not sure what I said that is a problem on YT. Perhaps Im being monitored. I’m on other channels defending biblical Christianity….I was trying to encourage you. Maybe it will reappear. Sometimes that happens. Just keep your mind on things above and not things of this world -as hard as it is to do. I’m going to delete my comment bc I see others can see notification even after they are deleted….I didnt realize that. I am not going to comment about anything personal from now on. I pray that even if your situation doesnt change, your response can change. Or you are moved out of your circumstances. The older you are the harder it is to do.
@@emiliaa6175 I experienced this , I know exactly what you’re talking about. This is not The Will of The Lord for your life I’ll tell you that.. I’ll be praying for you 😢🙏🏾❤️
I pray this helps someone. Its painful, its sad and a hard process to leave but know those feelings will become joy, once you start your healing process, dont focus on your situation but what the Lord will do in your life. (Always ask direction from the Lord first). Blessings from someone 3 yrs full of new joy in the Lord ❤️🙏🥰
I have a friend whose church leaders told her that her husband’s abuse and pornography addiction were her fault. She’s finally getting out but so much damage has been done to her and the children.
Same! After 19 years, I’m finally getting a divorce. He got to the point of joining The Satanic Temple and actively doing rituals to become demon possessed. Prior to that he wouldn’t help me protect our daughter from sextortion as FBI calls it. I had to get the authorities and mental health professionals to help my daughter. She’s doing much better now that I’m no longer with her dad.
When dealing with a narcissist it's close to impossible for them to repent. It's especially hard and confusing to the spouse when that person is in ministry, preaching God's Word. Yet, they don't live it. Ppl that don't have narcissist as a spouse never understand. Most marriage seminars and counseling does not deal with narcissist. All married ppl have issues at some point and time. But "normal" ppl eventually can work through it because they are convicted at some point. But narcissist don't have conviction or empathy. Christian narcissist are the worse, they hide behind the Word, grace, mercy, and the Blood of Jesus ONLY when it comes to them.
Exactly. I lived it so I know and had to divorce because the "marriage" was killing me. People need real help from Christian counselors who understand narcissism like Dr David Clarke, Kris Reece and Shaneen Megji. Allowing someone to continue breaking you and your marriage is not God’s plan.
I have always tried to comply to keep the peace but then I decided I wanted my voice to be heard and I refused to comply anymore I fought back. The roles in our marriage has changed I am a Christian and my husband became born again through our marriage. He was like what got into all of a sudden that you just are always fighting and arguing. I told him I always had these thoughts I just never voiced them before. As I became more outspoken with others he became more critical because he was always wanting to debate. If I did not agree things escalated. I walked away because agree to disagree is fine with me. His behavior was loud demanding controlling and push me I would push back he has never punched me but yes it was abuse. He is in counseling and I am beginning counseling.
Usually the abuser will never get counseling. They are always right. Its great he is getting help. I have tried fr 32 years and mine will at times admit he has an anger problem but do nothing about it. I understand the only way they will do something is threatening to leave and sticking to your guns. I have come to this point many times but then its Ok for awhile. A proud man will also not be in the word, pray with their wife, or study the Bible. He can be on the TV 10 hours a day watching Godless movies. And he will never be challenged if he is a believer,. He is deceived.
Not everyone will understand or believe that it is possible for a marriage to have abuse especially when the couple is very much involved in the church. To have a truly understanding person who sincerely listens and cares is definitely a gift for the abused who reaches out for help and seeking understanding.
Yesterday I had visitors at my house. A couple came with their baby. The man sat on a more comfortable seat, the wife sat with the baby on a less comfortable one. The man servws himself once then went for a second. When I asked if the wife had eaten, he said that she was taking care of the baby while he ate then she would eat once he was done. I was shocked. When I later talked to my husband, he laughed incessantly. I wondered what kind of men we have in today's age. Did I misunderstand anything?
My experience has most always been that people in my church keep telling me to leave my husband. I have never been told by my church that it was my fault. I feel compelled to love my husband how Christ has love me but at the same time question if it’s time to leave or if I’m overthinking it. I feel so lost sometimes and confused.
Has he been confronted by the church on his abuse and not stopped? If so, I would leave, tell him to get help and not go back until he's shown longterm change. Even still, take it slowly and go back on a probationary level.
I trusted the Lord's guidance about the non believer and believer. It took 6 years but he finally left. He was the non believer. It was emotional abuse. He divorced me. The Lord set the divorce up. For sure others didn't believe me. And FOR SURE my church didn't believe THAT. It drew me closer to the Lord. He saw and understood and delivered me. Trust Him.Keep praying.. Sometimes it takes time for the answers to breakthrough the heavenlies.
I sure do believe you! Sometimes “church” is the last place to look for guidance, counseling or consolation. I am looking totally to the Lord ONLY! He is not biased, stiffnecked nor ready to beat you up with His Word [cherry-picking scriptures to prove your error, guilt, sin]. He’s ready to help and even assist in getting you out of an abusive marriage if need be.
It's hard to communicate with a spouse who mocks you every time you have a concern. It's hard to foster truth in a marriage when a spouse insists that the lies he defends are true. Such platitudes do not help this conversation. If you had listened to the video you would have understood that this has nothing to do with basic marriage building skills, but with the exception when one is forced to think outside the box, even when all their life they longed for a healthy marriage
I personally know a lot of emotionally abusive women whose husband's cow-tow to them. Also, most of these men have pretty bad health, and some have died prematurely from sudden cancer or something similar. I believe that is due to the stress they are under from their wives. So even though the abuse is not "physical," per se, it is very physical.
#focusonthefamily Jim Daly 🌷👏👏 You did it!! Excellent program 💜💖 I love her. God has raised her for such a time! Incredible wisdom and knowledge 👏 🙌 All Christian leaders should have her book.
Churches are the best place for abusers.... they always get support and the wife is always guilty... The best they tell you is: stay with him no matter what !!! And they only believe u r being abused if you are bleeding to death !!
My pastor did a sermon on how if wives & husbands are having problems then they should let the church know and the church (pastors)would come along side & help and talk to the spouse commiting sin. I let the pastor know that my husband was an abusive alcoholic.. they never talked to him. They had me go to counseling but they never asked him to go.
Leadership persons who are not trained to counsel those facing ongoing abuse, often fail to upgrade the counseling to someone more educated/skilled who could confront the problems as needed. Just being told to "participate in ____ class" or to go through it again until something changes, or perhaps to "pray more" is to fail to support the man or woman asking for help. It is adding on to their problem and leaving them feeling hopeless and confused. Some turn their backs on their faith as a result.
These are hasty generalizations that really shouldn't be made. I've had 2 Christian male counselors who work for churches recommend separation from my husband. They could quickly tell we're in a toxic situation that needs to change. We don't help anyone, saved ornot, when we lump all churches in an abuser sanctuary category.
People are shamed for talking about the abuse without the abuser present and told that they are gossiping and slandering. Please educate yourselves! Buy Darby's book! Ask questions!
This many years I did not see our marriage this way I'm thinking as long as I'm not in his way and he can do what ever he wants to or don't want to. He is very happy but blames me when things are not the way he wants it I've got to leave I'm sorry .
My husband must always control things. The flow of the water, turn off the heater in the vehicle when you are at the end of the driveway, curtains must be fully open in all rooms. Thinks it's ok to be friends with unmarried female, because they are not doing anything, will delete texts that are from her. Always has to bring up something that will cause me to be defensive. Then tells me I'm not respecting him, and that I need to not argue it and just be quiet and accept what he is saying. He has had a mutual female friend send a video to tell me that true love cooks, true love cleans. I don't like living this way, but have no way to change it, since I have no grounds for divorce. I think about it, but I still have two young children that I don't want to rock their world. He doesn't ever think he is being unreasonable. Which is his favorite phrase.
And just in case u did decide to leave him.. (which I know is a scary thing to even have to deal with) but I am a civil client advocate at a family law firm and I can assure you that you don’t need any reason to divorce him other than, “I don’t want to be married anymore.”… The law will grant u one.
If he has female friends, then you should meet them. My old friend from college..his wife is on the phone too if we are catching up. If I were you, I'd separate or get away for a few days. He sounds insensitive to how you feel..What about Godly counsel?
I know the lady. Her kids help and go to the same VBS my kids and I help and go to. Hopefully now that she has a boyfriend, he will stop contacting her.
He sounds abusive and narcissistic. Have you heard of David E Clarke ? He has free resources online regarding abuse and also a plan for how to get out.
The pastor & marriage group all did the same, made me try harder, I was the one adjusting always!! Churches, I think, don’t want to get involved in relationships & it’s hard for the pastor to believe me over a master manipulative man who looks different @ church than our home!! I was doubting my feelings but my gut was saying otherwise. I married for better or worse but no matter what I did didn’t help. He found someone else when I said things needed to change. After 42 years it ended & I'm so grateful but I am alone in my older years, glad I have my daughters!! Thank you for helping make others aware.
Ive been rejected, cheated, ignored, manipulated and my husband was the reason for my anti depressant meds. He left but after a year I moved on and he came back. I chose my new lover instead of him, am I a bad person? Ive given him many chances before
Been married for 8 years, and my husband refuses to be intimacy with me, its now 3 years since he was last intimate with me He is on high pressure medication and claims he can nolonger function. When i try to be intimate, he gets irritated
That is a form of abuse my friend went through it and it’s done to make u feel worthless. You are beautiful and deserve much better. I suggest you go for counselling first and then ask him to join you. That way you don’t waste another 3 years of your life. Take action now please
Lord pleas help your people and raise up leaders and pastors that can actually help victims in this cases. Clean up Sour church Lord. Put leaders in place that has the compassion and capacity to help broken families form breaking to a point of no return. In Jesus name. Amen
Pastors should preach this more the global culture and churches have created narcissists as husbands that is why the divorce rate is high and same as the church
Actually the reason the divorce rate in the church is the same as the world is due to a lack of holiness in the couples' lives in question. Almost no pastors teach on holiness today. As a result millions of evangelical Christians live their lives just like the world does.
I used this book to help myself as I counseled a friend in an abusive marriage. It helped her to see her husband 's behavior for what it was. Highly recommend!
Wow this perspective is important, as a law enforcement officer, I have seen a feminist trend to label everything as abuse so as to emasculate the role and dynamics of men and leadership. It's not something to ignore but it's not something to make something out of something it is not.
This surprises me. More often what I see from the world is a minimizing the abuse. Saying things like she is just being feminist. If she is being hit, If there is gaslighting, dominant Lording over someone, name calling, talking down to someone. This is abuse.
@TramaChaplain really? If you are an officer you of all.people should know what abuse looks like. Amd it has nothing to do with women naming something abuse thats not
What he and she say around 6:34 minutes is exactly the way Lori fallow and Chad daybell were thinking their world or no world and they could do what they wanted to make it adapt to them including killing those poor children and unknowing adults,.. this world is evil sometimes full of evil in many ways it's up to us to avoid that and change the way we act and treat people so that we don't make them victims.
I think the percentage of abusive relationships is very skewed. Women may be the victims a larger percentage than men, but men will hide the abuse more than women will. I have a very abusive and hot-tempered wife, and it's very frustrating knowing that society expects men to just take the abuse, as it is not deemed to be so serious. When other men might get just an angry tone of voice, I will often get slaps and punches from my wife...for the smallest of things. She always has an excuse for her destructive behavior, and I don't know what to do. I cannot get help/advice from online sources because too many people (like the narrators in this video) assume it is not a real problem. I have come so very close to leaving this marriage because of her anger issues. She claims and often acts like a Christian, but never when she is angry. She scorns what the Bible says about the issue and tries to put fault squarely on my shoulders.
You are probably married to an unsaved woman. Complete disregard for what Scripture says is almost always a dead certain giveaway that your spouse has never had a genuine conversion, thus is not saved. If you have a pastor, tell them exactly what is going on. If they blow you off, leave that church. You should probably leave the relationship as well.
Under conservatism women are viewed as private property (Think of how they are listed with to possessions in the 10 commandments) Under liberalism women are viewed as public property. My mother was abused based off of the teachings of Focus on The Family / Christian Patriarchy and is now experiencing grave mental illness as a result of the trauma inflicted upon her of having her true personhood denied ( and still so ) by my father. This embrace of male supremacy will continue to wreck countless more lives unless we stand up and stop it in its tracks.
I’m not negating what women are feeling. Everytime I watch about these videos is about how men are abusive. As if it’s never the woman. The problem is the man won’t come here if he is being abused or suffered abuse. Men are expected to deal with all the emotional part of a woman but women are not also taking care of their own emotional need.
You are correct ! These programs are always about the husband abusing the wife. Focus on the Family knows who write most of the donation checks to their ministry, and they're not about to mess that up when women stop giving to the ministry in order to punish them for exposing their sin.
Go to any trusted family or friends who will válidate you. Form a close support system. RUN, LEAVE W UR DIGNIITY. MY DAD WAS A SO CALLED PASTOR N WAS ABUSING MY BABY SISTER. YEARS AGO. HE IS STILL ABUSIVE BUT NOT PHYSICALLY. ITS EMOTIONALLY N MENTALLY.
All the more he should be accountable. The Bible is clear that if you are a teacher of the Word.. your actions and teachings are at a higher judgement by Christ.
Remember, he doesn't need to hit you if you know and he knows that he can put you in the hospital. If he lifts his fist to you that's abuse. If he tells you that he can put you in the hospital and you know it, that's abuse.
My husband Dennis doesn't support me financially or my family and his is consumed by his own needs 😥😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏my heart weeps l just pray for change l am in domestic violence 😭
The stats show more women being abused because men are shamed if they’re abused and they don’t reach out. Men also need the support of the professionals, and sooner than later!
My ex tried to use religion against me by getting us involved with Jehovah’s Witnesses to make me learn to “submit to my husband because he was the head.” “Give a man his due.”
Christ have endured the most abuse anyone could. Every selfishnes manifested is abuse and since Christ was perfectly unselfish others selfishness was abuse and torture to Him.
Where is the line between normative conflict involving two sinful people, and abuse? Let's be cautious not to toss around the term "abuse" simply because our expectations aren't being met.
People who have lived through it for decades, know what it is. It may have taken decades to realize it because the abuser blames everything they do on the victim. As if they deserve being yelled at and called names..verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. I guess you never experienced it.
People are NOT doing that. And it’s this kind of minimizing and doubting of victims that has created this endemic issue. Did you not hear her here? What the research shows is that Victims most likely do the opposite, which is minimize the level of abuse they are incurring. Claiming that a word is too violent for the violence itself is inane and it’s called the “holy hush” amongst those working in the Domestic Violence world.
As always only talking about women. My wife is the abuser in my family. She is a quarrelsome & nagging wife. Doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not motivating kids to Pursue an education or employment.
Wow. Ironic that Focus on the Family brings this up now. Meanwhile their own teachings as I was growing up kept us in abuse. Nice turn coat organization.
Also the abuser makes the abused look bad to others. ( I am not sure if it makes sense to you) .
Yes. It's called a smear campaign
Yes!! They can flip anything you say sincerely around, turning it on you, then come out looking like a saint! It's narcissism and gas lighting at its finest!! Once I went to see a friend and when I got home I was so happy to see my 1st husband (we ended up divorcing), that I gave him a rose. He immediately started asking, "Did you cheat on me?" I was simply happy to see him, and no, I did not cheat on him. I learned later he had been cheating on me! That's why he thought I was doing it, because he was. There was all kinds of abuse in that relationship, and this is just one example of it.
Facts! They will get others to abuse you too! The system
I think you are right, my husband going around in our neighborhood telling people lies about me.
He always verbally abusing me.
❤
Abuse is not always physical. Abuse is being ignored, not being validated, not being supported on an emotional level, being excluded from decision making and money matters. Being counter parented, being critisized, not being seen and acknowledged. Not spending time with me. Not listening to me. Not buying me flowers. Not helping me in and around the house. Not honoring your word. Not keeping your promises. Being absent throughout the marriage.
Being a complete covert manipulator.
Narcissism should be declared a criminal offence.
For 25 years he treated me this way.
This should definitely be addressed as I believe it is very common. My prayers are with you.
I am currently facing this now for 15 years...I am just getting separated. Living like this is worst than a prison sentense.
You described my life of 27 years
Am walking the same path,have 2kids and am really dying to walk away.
I just don't know where to begin.
Put one foot in front of the other keep going forward focus on the Lord and don't look back
I read Darby's book a few years ago, after leaving a marriage of 27 years, and six children. I never asked for help, because I in such denial about the things my ex-husband was doing/saying to me. When my eldest daughter helped me and my youngest leave, my ex went on a full-blown smear campaign, and the former friends at my church seemed to count me as the one who was to blame. It has been heartbreaking. Still no pastoral help being offered. My ex still attends church, and that is how he keeps his false-persona alive.
I felt she did a beautiful job of opening up the difficult and confusing nuances of domestic abuse in Christian marriages. Thank you, Darby.
I went to my church several times in regards to my marriage problems. There was one incident of physical abuse, they knew of. There was also rampant verbal, and emotional abuse, which they knew of. They were not helpful, and told me I needed to work on my forgiveness. When I finally told them I needed to separate from my husband because he was unrepentant, and refused to get help. They cut me loose and offered no more help to me. I was left on my own. I left my church which was difficult, but their treatment of me, made it easier.
So sorry to hear this!! How painful that must have been.
@@YazYaz75100 Thank you!
So sorry. It happens a lot! They don't accept it because they don't know how to help and because they think church goers shouldn't have marrital problems. Total ignorance on their part
@@beautifulheart7 I agree with you. In my last email to my pastor, I voiced my concerns over women that were far more abused than me in our church, that were told they needed to work on their forgiveness, or, like me, were left on their own, when they decided to separate from their husbands. :(
Exactly my situation. My spouse is a respected [person in the community. It was hard to talk to any Pastor and when I found one, we had a dinner and my husband stormed out of the restaurant, pushing me. The Pastor saw it and got frightened saying “has he done this before? Is he going to get into the car and get hurt? He never brought anything up and we left while after. Even a Christian friend told me I just have to focus on ,my life and respond differently, that its up to ME to change the abuse.
The church has a hard time calling out sin.
Many people in an abusive marriage, myself included, don't tell family and friends what's going on behind closed doors. I'm surprised this didn't come up in the conversation. I minimized things for a lot of reasons. It was just over a year ago when I finally left, and it was then that I started telling the people who cared about me what was really happening.
I also did the same thing..I didn't tell anyone until after I left. I felt so ashamed, scared, confused, helpless, and hopeless from the trauma I was experiencing. I think the first step is to tell someone, but it is also the hardest. And unfortunately after I told people, many people didn't believe me.
@@sw1564 I feel the same way you do… they don’t believe me either…. once I finally talked.
Many times, the abused is so worn down and stressed for so many years, that they become an angry person, while the abuser, many times a narcissist is admired by all. That put the abused in a position to not be believed that they are the ones suffering, so when they try and tell close friends, they wont be believed or they are told that THEY need to change. Especially if you are in the church and try and get council from Pastors, who are men, who are ill equipped to challenge the abuser. They just dont want to get involved so you suffer in silence.
They say “you just have to change your response. Its how you respond that will determine the abuse”/
Women are victimized even more.
Yes, this was disappointing. First she says you have to be careful to label it abuse and use that word, then her recommendation is to find a friend to read the book for you. I don’t know anyone who would do that for anyone else.
So now you are depending on the friend. When she says before that that the friends give advice.. and wrong advice…I guess it sells books.
Exactly! I was married to a preacher and I was being physically hurt. I told no one.
I was blessed to have a supportive pastor, family and friends who helped me get out of a very toxic marriage. Months of prayer and an unrepentant spouse helped me to make the decision.
@@debbiemartin2026 this happened to me too. They believed him and took his side. We both stepped down from worship team to reconcile our marriage. They completely sided with him and blamed me for all of the problems. They put him back on stage behind my back. I am so hurt and feel betrayed. They did not help me, they made it worse and my adult daughter and I have formally left the church. My husband rubs it in and threatens to tell everyone at church when I’m not acting right. It’s awful. He goes to church alone and just ignores me.
@@emiliaa6175 my long comment to you got deleted. Not sure what I said that is a problem on YT. Perhaps Im being monitored. I’m on other channels defending biblical Christianity….I was trying to encourage you. Maybe it will reappear. Sometimes that happens. Just keep your mind on things above and not things of this world -as hard as it is to do. I’m going to delete my comment bc I see others can see notification even after they are deleted….I didnt realize that. I am not going to comment about anything personal from now on.
I pray that even if your situation doesnt change, your response can change. Or you are moved out of your circumstances. The older you are the harder it is to do.
@@emiliaa6175 I experienced this , I know exactly what you’re talking about. This is not The Will of The Lord for your life I’ll tell you that.. I’ll be praying for you 😢🙏🏾❤️
I pray this helps someone. Its painful, its sad and a hard process to leave but know those feelings will become joy, once you start your healing process, dont focus on your situation but what the Lord will do in your life. (Always ask direction from the Lord first). Blessings from someone 3 yrs full of new joy in the Lord ❤️🙏🥰
This woman GETS IT!!!!!!!!
I have a friend whose church leaders told her that her husband’s abuse and pornography addiction were her fault. She’s finally getting out but so much damage has been done to her and the children.
💔
A sin is a sin
Same! After 19 years, I’m finally getting a divorce. He got to the point of joining The Satanic Temple and actively doing rituals to become demon possessed. Prior to that he wouldn’t help me protect our daughter from sextortion as FBI calls it. I had to get the authorities and mental health professionals to help my daughter. She’s doing much better now that I’m no longer with her dad.
When dealing with a narcissist it's close to impossible for them to repent. It's especially hard and confusing to the spouse when that person is in ministry, preaching God's Word. Yet, they don't live it. Ppl that don't have narcissist as a spouse never understand. Most marriage seminars and counseling does not deal with narcissist. All married ppl have issues at some point and time. But "normal" ppl eventually can work through it because they are convicted at some point. But narcissist don't have conviction or empathy. Christian narcissist are the worse, they hide behind the Word, grace, mercy, and the Blood of Jesus ONLY when it comes to them.
Powerfully truthful comment.
Exactly. I lived it so I know and had to divorce because the "marriage" was killing me. People need real help from Christian counselors who understand narcissism like Dr David Clarke, Kris Reece and Shaneen Megji. Allowing someone to continue breaking you and your marriage is not God’s plan.
People who are not married to a narcissist can't fully understand unless they were reared by an abusive parent.
I have always tried to comply to keep the peace but then I decided I wanted my voice to be heard and I refused to comply anymore I fought back. The roles in our marriage has changed I am a Christian and my husband became born again through our marriage. He was like what got into all of a sudden that you just are always fighting and arguing. I told him I always had these thoughts I just never voiced them before. As I became more outspoken with others he became more critical because he was always wanting to debate. If I did not agree things escalated. I walked away because agree to disagree is fine with me. His behavior was loud demanding controlling and push me I would push back he has never punched me but yes it was abuse. He is in counseling and I am beginning counseling.
I’ve just started this horrible controlling journey to find myself
Usually the abuser will never get counseling. They are always right. Its great he is getting help. I have tried fr 32 years and mine will at times admit he has an anger problem but do nothing about it. I understand the only way they will do something is threatening to leave and sticking to your guns. I have come to this point many times but then its Ok for awhile. A proud man will also not be in the word, pray with their wife, or study the Bible. He can be on the TV 10 hours a day watching Godless movies. And he will never be challenged if he is a believer,. He is deceived.
Not everyone will understand or believe that it is possible for a marriage to have abuse especially when the couple is very much involved in the church. To have a truly understanding person who sincerely listens and cares is definitely a gift for the abused who reaches out for help and seeking understanding.
For both wives and husbands in the church that are being abused by their spouses.
Yesterday I had visitors at my house. A couple came with their baby. The man sat on a more comfortable seat, the wife sat with the baby on a less comfortable one. The man servws himself once then went for a second. When I asked if the wife had eaten, he said that she was taking care of the baby while he ate then she would eat once he was done. I was shocked. When I later talked to my husband, he laughed incessantly. I wondered what kind of men we have in today's age. Did I misunderstand anything?
We have 2 Timothy 3:1-9 going on.
That sounds so evil.... I'm sorry 😞
My experience has most always been that people in my church keep telling me to leave my husband. I have never been told by my church that it was my fault. I feel compelled to love my husband how Christ has love me but at the same time question if it’s time to leave or if I’m overthinking it. I feel so lost sometimes and confused.
Has he been confronted by the church on his abuse and not stopped? If so, I would leave, tell him to get help and not go back until he's shown longterm change. Even still, take it slowly and go back on a probationary level.
I'm in the same boat. My husband constantly punishes me and I feel like a child. I'm definitely leaving. It's tough. Praying.
I trusted the Lord's guidance about the non believer and believer. It took 6 years but he finally left. He was the non believer. It was emotional abuse. He divorced me. The Lord set the divorce up. For sure others didn't believe me. And FOR SURE my church didn't believe THAT. It drew me closer to the Lord. He saw and understood and delivered me. Trust Him.Keep praying.. Sometimes it takes time for the answers to breakthrough the heavenlies.
I sure do believe you! Sometimes “church” is the last place to look for guidance, counseling or consolation. I am looking totally to the Lord ONLY! He is not biased, stiffnecked nor ready to beat you up with His Word [cherry-picking scriptures to prove your error, guilt, sin]. He’s ready to help and even assist in getting you out of an abusive marriage if need be.
"COMMUNICATION, HONESTY AND TRUTH ARE NEEDED IN MARRIAGE"
It's hard to communicate with a spouse who mocks you every time you have a concern. It's hard to foster truth in a marriage when a spouse insists that the lies he defends are true.
Such platitudes do not help this conversation.
If you had listened to the video you would have understood that this has nothing to do with basic marriage building skills, but with the exception when one is forced to think outside the box, even when all their life they longed for a healthy marriage
AMEN🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
@@TheEllaTBexactly
This is a MUCH needed discussion.
I personally know a lot of emotionally abusive women whose husband's cow-tow to them. Also, most of these men have pretty bad health, and some have died prematurely from sudden cancer or something similar. I believe that is due to the stress they are under from their wives. So even though the abuse is not "physical," per se, it is very physical.
💯 I always say, if you don't escape, your body will.
Could you describe some of the signs?
Emotional and mental abuse affects the physical body.
Absolutely! I can attest to that….after only 6 years married.@@felicitygrace5113
#focusonthefamily Jim Daly 🌷👏👏 You did it!! Excellent program 💜💖 I love her. God has raised her for such a time!
Incredible wisdom and knowledge 👏 🙌 All Christian leaders should have her book.
And having the final say on everything, refusing to listen if u disagree
Before I became a Christian the Lord helped me get away from my abuser husband. I prayed & He made a way to escape in one week!!
Thank you for presenting this interview. Learning a lot from Darby's insights and wisdom. Will be sharing this interview on social media.
Churches are the best place for abusers.... they always get support and the wife is always guilty... The best they tell you is: stay with him no matter what !!! And they only believe u r being abused if you are bleeding to death !!
My pastor did a sermon on how if wives & husbands are having problems then they should let the church know and the church (pastors)would come along side & help and talk to the spouse commiting sin. I let the pastor know that my husband was an abusive alcoholic.. they never talked to him. They had me go to counseling but they never asked him to go.
Leadership persons who are not trained to counsel those facing ongoing abuse, often fail to upgrade the counseling to someone more educated/skilled who could confront the problems as needed. Just being told to "participate in ____ class" or to go through it again until something changes, or perhaps to "pray more" is to fail to support the man or woman asking for help. It is adding on to their problem and leaving them feeling hopeless and confused. Some turn their backs on their faith as a result.
These are hasty generalizations that really shouldn't be made. I've had 2 Christian male counselors who work for churches recommend separation from my husband. They could quickly tell we're in a toxic situation that needs to change. We don't help anyone, saved ornot, when we lump all churches in an abuser sanctuary category.
People are shamed for talking about the abuse without the abuser present and told that they are gossiping and slandering. Please educate yourselves! Buy Darby's book! Ask questions!
And now it’s time for FotF to remove Love & Respect from the store
No. It's not! Total Different problems. Don't get extreme. Not all couples live in toxic abuse
Love this!!! Finally someone who understands.
This many years I did not see our marriage this way I'm thinking as long as I'm not in his way and he can do what ever he wants to or don't want to. He is very happy but blames me when things are not the way he wants it I've got to leave I'm sorry .
Wow, the amount of wisdom and discernment you have in this area is such a blessing!!! Thank you for shedding light on this🙏🏾🙏🏾🙌🏽
My husband must always control things. The flow of the water, turn off the heater in the vehicle when you are at the end of the driveway, curtains must be fully open in all rooms.
Thinks it's ok to be friends with unmarried female, because they are not doing anything, will delete texts that are from her. Always has to bring up something that will cause me to be defensive. Then tells me I'm not respecting him, and that I need to not argue it and just be quiet and accept what he is saying. He has had a mutual female friend send a video to tell me that true love cooks, true love cleans. I don't like living this way, but have no way to change it, since I have no grounds for divorce. I think about it, but I still have two young children that I don't want to rock their world. He doesn't ever think he is being unreasonable. Which is his favorite phrase.
And just in case u did decide to leave him.. (which I know is a scary thing to even have to deal with) but I am a civil client advocate at a family law firm and I can assure you that you don’t need any reason to divorce him other than, “I don’t want to be married anymore.”… The law will grant u one.
If he has female friends, then you should meet them. My old friend from college..his wife is on the phone too if we are catching up. If I were you, I'd separate or get away for a few days. He sounds insensitive to how you feel..What about Godly counsel?
I know the lady. Her kids help and go to the same VBS my kids and I help and go to. Hopefully now that she has a boyfriend, he will stop contacting her.
He sounds abusive and narcissistic. Have you heard of David E Clarke ? He has free resources online regarding abuse and also a plan for how to get out.
It’s hard to get through to them once the abuser isolates them from family and friends
@ 14:23 excellent points. Wonderful to hear someone say that.
The pastor & marriage group all did the same, made me try harder, I was the one adjusting always!! Churches, I think, don’t want to get involved in relationships & it’s hard for the pastor to believe me over a master manipulative man who looks different @ church than our home!! I was doubting my feelings but my gut was saying otherwise. I married for better or worse but no matter what I did didn’t help. He found someone else when I said things needed to change. After 42 years it ended & I'm so grateful but I am alone in my older years, glad I have my daughters!! Thank you for helping make others aware.
That must have been so hard for you. Im sorry this happened to you
Darby is excellent!
This was excellent!
excellent interview on both ends
Exactly. SHE gets it!
Ive been rejected, cheated, ignored, manipulated and my husband was the reason for my anti depressant meds. He left but after a year I moved on and he came back. I chose my new lover instead of him, am I a bad person? Ive given him many chances before
No, he had his chance to change his treatment of you, don’t turn back and don’t let that person back in your life.
Taken a new LOVER? How is THAT right?
Don't feel guilty. He broke his covenant with you many times
@Judy Gwen What would the the alternative be?
@@lynnhoke366 Divorce
Loooove the background! Great video to boot! Thank you!
Been married for 8 years, and my husband refuses to be intimacy with me, its now 3 years since he was last intimate with me
He is on high pressure medication and claims he can nolonger function.
When i try to be intimate, he gets irritated
That is a form of abuse my friend went through it and it’s done to make u feel worthless. You are beautiful and deserve much better. I suggest you go for counselling first and then ask him to join you. That way you don’t waste another 3 years of your life. Take action now please
Lord pleas help your people and raise up leaders and pastors that can actually help victims in this cases. Clean up Sour church Lord. Put leaders in place that has the compassion and capacity to help broken families form breaking to a point of no return. In Jesus name. Amen
YESSSS! YES! YEEESSS! Amen. Amen. 🙌🔥🥰🙏
Pastors should preach this more the global culture and churches have created narcissists as husbands that is why the divorce rate is high and same as the church
Actually the reason the divorce rate in the church is the same as the world is due to a lack of holiness in the couples' lives in question. Almost no pastors teach on holiness today. As a result millions of evangelical Christians live their lives just like the world does.
A topic needed , there is so much shame attached to abuse, we need more education n awareness of abuse.
She really gets it.
The trial balloon
Being confused
All of it
Wow!! 🙌 that was great 🎉
And expecting submission and full control over everything
I used this book to help myself as I counseled a friend in an abusive marriage. It helped her to see her husband 's behavior for what it was. Highly recommend!
Thank you for this. I have not seen my husband since 2019
Wow this perspective is important, as a law enforcement officer, I have seen a feminist trend to label everything as abuse so as to emasculate the role and dynamics of men and leadership. It's not something to ignore but it's not something to make something out of something it is not.
This surprises me. More often what I see from the world is a minimizing the abuse. Saying things like she is just being feminist. If she is being hit, If there is gaslighting, dominant Lording over someone, name calling, talking down to someone. This is abuse.
@TramaChaplain really? If you are an officer you of all.people should know what abuse looks like. Amd it has nothing to do with women naming something abuse thats not
Yes this is so true they become more entitiled when we serve them more they are just being disgusting as they can be disgusting people to live with
What he and she say around 6:34 minutes is exactly the way Lori fallow and Chad daybell were thinking their world or no world and they could do what they wanted to make it adapt to them including killing those poor children and unknowing adults,.. this world is evil sometimes full of evil in many ways it's up to us to avoid that and change the way we act and treat people so that we don't make them victims.
Cold love. Its a spirit that needs to be prayed out. Mark 16:14-20
I think the percentage of abusive relationships is very skewed. Women may be the victims a larger percentage than men, but men will hide the abuse more than women will. I have a very abusive and hot-tempered wife, and it's very frustrating knowing that society expects men to just take the abuse, as it is not deemed to be so serious. When other men might get just an angry tone of voice, I will often get slaps and punches from my wife...for the smallest of things. She always has an excuse for her destructive behavior, and I don't know what to do. I cannot get help/advice from online sources because too many people (like the narrators in this video) assume it is not a real problem. I have come so very close to leaving this marriage because of her anger issues. She claims and often acts like a Christian, but never when she is angry. She scorns what the Bible says about the issue and tries to put fault squarely on my shoulders.
Praying for you!!!
That’s awful. I hope you find a good group who can back you on this and that she will be held accountable and you both can heal.
You are probably married to an unsaved woman. Complete disregard for what Scripture says is almost always a dead certain giveaway that your spouse has never had a genuine conversion, thus is not saved. If you have a pastor, tell them exactly what is going on. If they blow you off, leave that church. You should probably leave the relationship as well.
How abou..”I’ll never understand him but I knew what I was getting into when I married him so…”
Are there any videos on identifying abuse from parents?
Under conservatism women are viewed as private property (Think of how they are listed with to possessions in the 10 commandments)
Under liberalism women are viewed as public property.
My mother was abused based off of the teachings of Focus on The Family / Christian Patriarchy and is now experiencing grave mental illness as a result of the trauma inflicted upon her of having her true personhood denied ( and still so ) by my father. This embrace of male supremacy will continue to wreck countless more lives unless we stand up and stop it in its tracks.
Abuser is a narcissist
I would pls like a free copy. I'm in South Africa.
In the word all the time, but the hook in your mind, grief starts affecting , churches don’t help,
I’m not negating what women are feeling. Everytime I watch about these videos is about how men are abusive. As if it’s never the woman. The problem is the man won’t come here if he is being abused or suffered abuse. Men are expected to deal with all the emotional part of a woman but women are not also taking care of their own emotional need.
You are correct ! These programs are always about the husband abusing the wife. Focus on the Family knows who write most of the donation checks to their ministry, and they're not about to mess that up when women stop giving to the ministry in order to punish them for exposing their sin.
True true
What if your husband is the pastor?
Go to any trusted family or friends who will válidate you. Form a close support system. RUN, LEAVE W UR DIGNIITY. MY DAD WAS A SO CALLED PASTOR N WAS ABUSING MY BABY SISTER. YEARS AGO. HE IS STILL ABUSIVE BUT NOT PHYSICALLY. ITS EMOTIONALLY N MENTALLY.
Alot of so called pastors are abusive. Take a trial separation to fast and pray.
All the more he should be accountable. The Bible is clear that if you are a teacher of the Word.. your actions and teachings are at a higher judgement by Christ.
Remember, he doesn't need to hit you if you know and he knows that he can put you in the hospital. If he lifts his fist to you that's abuse. If he tells you that he can put you in the hospital and you know it, that's abuse.
Taking a longgg time getting to the point here.
My husband Dennis doesn't support me financially or my family and his is consumed by his own needs 😥😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏my heart weeps l just pray for change l am in domestic violence 😭
@jazz10169 you are such a beautiful woman , I'm so sorry to hear this . This must be very painful. Guard your heart at all times .
@@renejansen5004 thankyou so much 🛡️🌹😇🙏🙏🙏
Take a trial separation to pray.
The stats show more women being abused because men are shamed if they’re abused and they don’t reach out. Men also need the support of the professionals, and sooner than later!
My ex tried to use religion against me by getting us involved with Jehovah’s Witnesses to make me learn to “submit to my husband because he was the head.” “Give a man his due.”
Christ have endured the most abuse anyone could. Every selfishnes manifested is abuse and since Christ was perfectly unselfish others selfishness was abuse and torture to Him.
The church is worst place to face this stuff. Churches encourage people to stay in these marriages b
It depends on the church.
Ladies find a church that will support you!!
Where is the line between normative conflict involving two sinful people, and abuse? Let's be cautious not to toss around the term "abuse" simply because our expectations aren't being met.
HARM”
People who have lived through it for decades, know what it is. It may have taken decades to realize it because the abuser blames everything they do on the victim. As if they deserve being yelled at and called names..verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. I guess you never experienced it.
People are NOT doing that. And it’s this kind of minimizing and doubting of victims that has created this endemic issue.
Did you not hear her here?
What the research shows is that Victims most likely do the opposite, which is minimize the level of abuse they are incurring. Claiming that a word is too violent for the violence itself is inane and it’s called the “holy hush” amongst those working in the Domestic Violence world.
Darby's book does a great job of helping you discern the line.
👍
That looks like MY dog! Sweet thing...I lost mine. (He passed away).
This is very important and excellent talk. Im wondering though why are the men this way? Is it the way they are raised?
As always only talking about women. My wife is the abuser in my family. She is a quarrelsome & nagging wife. Doesn’t contribute financially at all. Not motivating kids to Pursue an education or employment.
Wow. Ironic that Focus on the Family brings this up now. Meanwhile their own teachings as I was growing up kept us in abuse. Nice turn coat organization.
Dobson knows nothing about real life issues. Abuse. Neurodiversity. He has no credibility to me.