Obligation fatigue is a great term! It explains a lot of instances where I'm instantly overwhelmed by an email, text or an innocent question. I've been saying I want a "slower life", but honestly, I just want minimal obligations.
YES!! This is why I hate appointments so much. I say yes to booking calls, or whatever, and then when the time comes, I feel obliged to follow through, even tho I hate myself for saying yes to it. So draining.
Is the “innocent question” really innocent? I was raised to not hold boundaries on what I share and have a parent that likes to take information to throw it in my face later. If I have to overthink a text I will come back later or let them know if I feel uneasy I will not speak on something. A lot of innocent questions are thinly veiled self serving questions.
I agree. But what never gets discussed is the policitical-economy of this phenomenon. We live in a highly unequal economy where we are forcibly pushed to be more and more extreme producer/consumers. For tens of millions of Americans "taking a break" would mean poverty, or they live in insecurity (a tough neighbourhood, or no home), or if they were to take a break where would they go, they simply don't have the money for a relaxing holiday. Then the rest of us are playing keeping up with the Jones'. We've got to suceed at work, relationships, exercising, dieting, house work, personal grooming, and on and on and on - again, this is pushed by our political-economy. A more equal economy where we worked a lot less would, one, be happier, two, be more productive, and three, make more economic sense.
@@JM-yf3ol You summed it up perfectly, to my mind. And that is why I haven’t had a break for twenty plus years. Fear of falling behind/messing up financially. Even though I know a break would ‘bring me back’. So is it the ADHD that stops me from doing what’s good for me, or the economy? Or perhaps that is a false equivalence because with better planning, we can all come off the pedal for a time. But not without forethought, and with the pace of life, and my brain, it just doesn’t happen.
@@JM-yf3ol Yes! And then trying to find a way to take a break without falling behind on work and bills and chores and basic self-care (all of which you're already struggling to do at anything like a reasonable level, because ADHD is like that) becomes another obligation. What a lot of us actually need is a break that doesn't also come with a reduction in time we have to meet our non-negotiable responsibilities, but there's no way to hit the pause button on work deadlines or rent coming due or living spaces getting dirty or needing to acquire and cook food or any of the other million things that we have to do to survive regardless of how much we might need a break from those things. I guess some people are able to pay others to take on some of those responsibilities for a while, but for the majority of us who don't? I don't what the solution is when just the obligations of basic living are exhausting.
Omg, yes. I'm in bed today paralyzed and exhausted. I told my family that I cannot do anything else in this house. I refuse to cook, clean, organize, anything house related I just HAVE to have a break from it. I feel physically and mentally drained and ill. I do not want to be here. Other workers get weekends. I don't. I am so done.
I'm agreeing with you about obligation fatigue, before you even describe it. So many things I have to do. And it's gotten to the point that things I want to do, like spend time with family, feel like an obligation because I have so many other things I have to do.
Ok but here’s a question. What about the burn out and fatigue that we feel due to the “obligations” and tasks that we NEED to do. Keeping up with chores, self care, nutrition, relationships, work, time and money management, appointments and all the upkeep that comes with life in general ? I feel like more than anything these are the things that are suppose to be just normal basic accomplishments that so many of us are drowning in. Sure, we may tend to people-please too and create more obligations for ourselves (maybe to even make up for a mistake we made or somewhere we fell short) but I don’t know, at least for me, any burn out or fatigue comes more from the obligations that we NEED to do to function in this world and not AS much the obligations we choose to take on to please someone else
Consider seeing all of life's obligations as a challenge that you are constantly improving at. And I'm sure improvement is the word since I have a hard time believing that we get continually worse at these things. And you can improve at saying no to others who are interfering with your life's goals.
💯 I drown in all the things I have to do. Cleaning up after high functioning ADHD/ADD teenagers (3) who can’t seem to figure out how to clean up after themselves after countless reminders. I’m a broken record. While the hubby helps with laundry, everyday is a tornado behind me that undoes everything. I’m tired of it.
Totally feel it. 3 years ago I was working fulltime, married with young kids and doing a little volunteering. Someone asked to take another voluntary role with MUCH more work and responsibility. I said "no way", but at the next AGM they pressured me into it. Now I've been unemployed for nearly 2 years, and that unpaid role is like a full time job several times a year. I have side projects that have been totally neglected. And still, there are people involved who aren't happy with my work ethic and complain to my face and to others behind my back. People-pleasing doesn't even work!!! I've figured out an exit plan and will let the right people know next week, but should have done it ages ago, or stuck to my "no" in the first place.
This sounds like my 'part-time' job at a church. Running Mainly Music. Ha. Setting the whole thing up. Making all the instruments - drums and shakers - from scratch. Buying morning teas for the mums. Out of my own money and then being reimbursed later. When I got sick with a six month cough, I dragged myself out of bed, went to work, did my thing, and went home back to bed. In the end of the year review, I was told by the vicar how many complaints they had had about me. I was devastated. Quit and walked out. I had even done all their paperwork to be listed as a government recognised preschool. No way the pay matched the amount of time and energy I put in. I don't work in church schools anymore. And I don't do volunteer work either. None of them understand that a 3 hour shift is not 3 and a half or four hours.
@@Victoriaward thanks! I can't help but assume that most people are fundamentally good-hearted and just sometimes thoughtless, but there's definitely one or two "lifers" who don't understand that others can't (or don't want to) completely commit everything the way they do. I was helping to run a weekend event and someone on the committee was already crying at 8am because another organiser shouted at her over nothing. At least with a job you have professional boundaries, but these voluntary things become way too personal. This is definitely my last year of it -- too many other parts of my life have been unconsciously put on hold for it.
Omg this blew my mind right open 💥 I’m in the beginning stages of recovering from a lifetime of people pleaser mode, and trying to get more comfortable saying no to family & friends who routinely come to ME for assistance with all sorts of things, despite knowing how overloaded & overwhelmed I already am (as a single mom w/ADHD, of 2 teen boys who also have ADHD, and a full time jewelry designer/small business owner with NO employees) - yet they still expect me to drop all my spinning plates & bend over backwards to meet their needs, without ever really reciprocating or making an effort when I’m the one who needs help… even saying that out loud makes me feel gross, as if I only ever lend a hand in the hopes I’ll get something in return, but that’s not it at all… it’s about the energy given (perfectly described by you - the obligation & pressure to be of service) and the one sided-ness of it becoming a burden that fuels resentment & rumination 🙅🏼♀️ it still feels uncomfortable to say no at times, but it’s preferable to the total burnout that inevitably follows saying “yes” to people who feel entitled to your mental, physical & emotional labor !
Yes when you start life with a covert narc needy mother who is also verbally abusive, it’s mind scrambling becus their behaviour doesn’t make sense and is designed to keep you off balance, confused and unconfident. It’s also been a massive energy drain for my poor ADHD brain and body (CFS) - with zero reward because they are so self-centred. They also become a huge emotional burden that you end up carrying throughout your life. It also turns you into a people pleaser because try as you might, they are never satisfied with anything you do for them but it becomes your internal default mode for interacting with difficult people. Plus If you’re the family scapegoat, add demanding, bullying siblings as well and the havoc they cause. Then afterall that, somehow try to add your own life on top.
I’m coming to grips with things now at 40 years old. I honestly realized I have no idea who the heck I am or what I even want. I just do what my brain tells me to do at this point.
TBH, I can't even remember who I really am and what I truly want anymore. Got divorced, quit my corporate job, moved cities, retrained as an actor. Trained in NLP, Life coaching, Career coaching etc yet can't seem to finish anything or get anything to grow. Now working as a teacher assistant for terrible money and completely lost in life.
Trust me when I say - you are in there. The hard part is getting quiet enough to hear what's happening inside. The answers aren't "out there". I know that sounds woo woo, but it's true.
Three burnouts later, here I am. Recently separated from a 30 year relationship that I just gave and gave to. I feel I’ve come a long way, but I can see how automatic it is for me to find something that I ‘have to do’. This video has come at a very good time for me. Thank you!
Obligation fatigue AND anticipated obligations . . . It can completely steal the present moment. There is also fatigue from decision paralysis. Even when we are acknowleding and attempting to make the balanced , healthy decision we can waiver and get stuck ....which can be absolutely exhausted .
When I noticed I’m doing or feeling something that’s out of character. I stop and ask. What is driving this behavior? I’ll get still and allow the answer to find me. Some time the answer come almost immediately. Or I’ll have to say it a few times. When It comes to my attention it loses power over me. I’m back in control.
My friends somewhat demonstrate a little confusion when I say I’d rather not mix my genuine friendships with work obligations, whenever asked if I’d like to work on a passion project with them. I guess the typical logic is “working with friends is better and more fun,” while my logic is “why would I want to ruin a care-free friendship by adding work obligations to it?”
Maybe, but it's pervasive across every area of life. It might be that it's just triggering your money story specifically. Personally, I don't feel that in my work. I love what I do. (and I recognize that's a luxury no everyone has).
I can't imagine telling my boss I only want to so some tasks and to find someone else for the other things! That said, the bosses where I work do try to assign things based on people's stated preferences. It's just that some projects are 80% fun/interesting/engaging and 20% grunt work. Or worse, work which requires attention but is boooooring.
@@CarenMagillI love my work too! 200 % , but I don’t make enough money doing it ( the pandemic messed it all up) ! Working LESS as a self employed person means LESS income. And I don’t have enough as it is… 🧐 And NO. I don’t have children, a partner , family, friends or anyone but myself to be (financially) responsible for . Not even a cat! 🤪😼So I can’t really see how obligation would be my problem🤨but here I am writing the second comment on this video….🤔 so it obviously triggers something in me….. 😉. So thank you for that, Caren! 😍
100%. Self-abandonment is so real and just leads to being so dissociated and worse symptoms for me. I love arranging my personal/physical space (and clothing) in a way that is *built for me* as a way to help me quickly reset and connect to myself. It's symbolic but also really real.... nothing worse than going home to an apartment or bedroom that looks "grown up" but doesn't meet my sensory needs, doesn't allow me to sit on the floor, and doesn't "catch" my mess well, allow me to be creative and do my hobbies, or support me through executive dysfunction.
Sometimes this comes from not setting boundaries to other people that cannot help themselves. We just need to let them be and they can fix their own lives.
Thank you so, so much for this video. Just knowing I'm neither alone nor a selfish monster for feeling this way so often has lifted weight off of my heart and mind. This recent Mother's Day, when asked what I wanted, my response was "To sleep as much as I want to, and for nobody to ask me to help with anything, or to do anything", if that's not telling enough 😂.
I chose a self-less life. I chose to give everything to my children and husband in pursuit of family, connection and home. I think my “authentic self” changes with time. And this was through compassion and loving others! If I choose to serve myself, I would default on my responsibilities. So I don’t think abandoning my responsibilities is a good idea and will only lead to further disappointment shame and loneliness down the line.
Omg! This couldn’t have come at a better time for me! Today I feel like throwing in the towel on my current life. I have taken off work next week to get some alone time to reset my current life bc I’m barely hanging on!
I experience obligation fatigue towards my dog. I have completely burnt out from doing the same thing, the same walk over and over. I also feel I never ever get a moment alone at home. She is always watching, always waiting for me to give her attention. I have started to resent her and everything she does. And I feel ashamed that I feel like this about the innocent being she is.
Finally someone that understands me! In tears as I'm listening to this. Im 56 and have been feeling like this for years. Talk Therapy for the last 10 years no longer helps and I need solutions. I watched another one of your videos talking about bouncing around from role to role and this has been my life since I was a teenager. I get bored easy and although I have held positions for more than a a couple years, my last career choice I got burned out from it, after almost 20 years in the industry. I have worked several jobs and went independent, but now feel mentally exhausted. Thank you for sharing this content, it truly resonates.
This is my life and I wonder how different it would have been if I knew this term 40 years ago. I always joke that I never take a vacation at Club Med because every single one of my work vacations has been a staycation in Club Bed (either at home but often in a hospital due to chronic condition I have which is exacerbated by stress and exhaustion). I’m on a never-ending cycle of recovering from the exhaustion of hitting home runs every time I’m “at bat” for work when maybe I could have just settled for a “single” to get on base - my bar is so high now I can barely see it and I’m the one that somehow put it up there. It’s eerie that this video found me today as last night I stayed up for 24 hours straight trying to stop what was repeatedly thrumming in my head “I don’t want to live this life anymore”. And this video stopped my overthinking immediately for the first time in hours or maybe years.
Yes yes yes. So me. I even wish we never had to eat. I also feel pda also makes it worse. Being a single mum makes it also so much worse as you are responsible for your kids. And sometimes aging parents.
I’ve been saying for years, “I wish I didn’t have to eat!” So much work planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, eating, cleaning up, etc! I would turn my kitchen into a gym or craft room! 😂
Thank you! This hits the nail on the head! It would help to have a way to sort out my self created obligations for my own life that don't involve anyone else. In addition to working, I've been in the roles of mom, grandmother with live-in grandchild, then care-helping daughter, then executor of my parents' estate. My life was focused on obligations to/for others for over 40 years! I've been "on my own" for 3 years & still have that dysfunctional need for outside obligations. I realized recently that much of my life is now filled with new obligations that I created for myself! And there's not enough time for everything. I'm so used to operating in the overload that choices about "free time" feel awkward. Plus, typically ADHD, it all seems important. Sigh.
WOW! You just described my entire mood and outlook on life right now. I was feeling guilty for agreeing to plans and then being reluctant to go through with them. Most things in my life feel like obligations and I miss being myself. I have most things I need to be comfortable, but there is still a void I don't know how to fill.
This feels so true, and every time I don’t measure up my own perfect performance expectations, I feel so guilty. And it just gets worse as my own demands on myself are always unrealistic. I just feel so overwhelmed with my obligations to others that I seldom have any time to be myself. Thanks for the video. ❤
I needed this reminder! As someone who studies this kind of content regularly, I already have systems in place for journaling, value lists, and needs assessment, and review them all daily. but STILL I needed an outside reminder to get back on track. We often take our growth for granted when it's only recognized internally for too long. Thank you for being an external guide and example. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Wow. You are speaking directly to me. I’ve just been booked off work for 5 weeks for burnout and I have no idea how to come back to my bubbly, energetic, full of life self. The excercise of authenticity vs obligation is exactly where I’m going to start! Thank you so much for this.
The term encapsulates what i've been feeling most of my life.... I mean at it's core I understood what it was, but never been put so neatly into a nice term. I've always did my best to keep to my obligations, but I felt I sacrificrificed what I needed/wanted. I've been working for the last 10 years on learning to say no and trying not to feel guilty for it... I've made some progress, but not as much as I'd like. I've had someone mention the the following "When you're on an airplane and they give you safety intructions, they tell you to put your oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. That's because you can't help anyone if you pass out. You need to apply the same to your life. It's ok to care for and take care of others... but if you don't take care of yourself you will not have the energy to help others" I've been applying that to my life lately.
Getting ADHD diagnosis is a long road, but ever since i started looking at my problems through the ADHD lense, life has been getting slowly easier. This is another video clearly explaining the feelings I get around obligations, and telling me that what I feel is the right choices deep in my heart are more legitimate than I give them credit for... The hardest part is responsibly doing what needs to be done, an obligation from this stupid normative society preventing me from going full tilt into doing what I love... Which is building violins and growing food.... Why am I working as a boat part salesman? Obligation to maintain payments to this house and keeping my belly full of food.
This hits the nail on the head! I totally understand why one of your followers said, I dont know who I am anymore. That is me for sure. I feel my chest tighten, or overall tension when people ask me for something because saying no has always been a problem!! And, yes I do get angry at myself!! It's a vicious cycle. It actually just happened a couple of minutes ago. Received a message asking for help again!! I have tried to say no on many occasions and people turn their back on me. I feel like I'm missing something.
I FEEL this! Especially living ~4 hours from my family, May-July is FULL of Mother’s Day (including my mother in law)/Father’s Day, 4 birthdays (one is mine), and the 4th. We don’t have the capacity to host them up here, so that logistically puts us ‘bing-bonging’ back and forth. The moment May starts, my anxiety at the idea of obligatory trips works my literal last nerve. There’s one birthday I am absolutely down for: my niece’s. I went down for Mother’s Day this year. But then my mom told me to “be sure to plan something for (my stepdad’s) big number birthday!” 😳 I was in internalized shock, and just smiled. All due respect, I live 4 hours away. Our household is one income, best I can do is make cute cookies and bring them. Add to this: we stay in hotels when we come in, because my parents smoke…heavily. She (mom) gets mad that we tend to bail on anything after my niece’s birthday - because we are worn out! And: we have things we want to do over the summer. 48 hour trips almost every weekend of the summer isn’t on the list. It throws off any ‘routine’ I’m dialed into at home.
Not exactly the same thing but Gretchen Rubin talks about “obliger rebellion.” She uses it to describe when people who get most of their motivation based on extrinsic commitments and what happens when they reach a burnout point.
OMGosh..... that is such a perfect new definition. Exactly! Especially after having grown up being looked down on and therefore trained to chase after recognition. So much so, that we can't stop the people pleasing. I totally agree.
This video couldn't have come at a better time! Today I woke up feeling super drained, even though I got a decent night's sleep. Just the thought of having breakfast and turning up my laptop for work made me hit snooze on my alarm way too many times... Now, after lunch, I'm trying my best to avoid thinking about the mountain of work waiting for me on a Friday 😭. But seriously, your video hit home for me bc of some stuff going on with my personal relationships, and got me thinking about what I really want (and don't want) in life, and how I want to be present for them. Thanks a ton, Caren, for putting this out there!
Thank you for this topic, I was able to identify four areas where I could make a small tweak and I would be living from integrity rather than obligation.
This concept is me to a T! The problem for me is that work is the biggest issue for me. I hate my job, can't find another, and it's interfering in my creative endeavors because I have to be at work at the tines when I have the most energy and focus. I'm ready to just say the heck with it and quit and work hard at the career I want to make a living at.
I mean, there may be people pleasers in the breath of the viewers, but not everybody is a people pleaser, and not everybody with ADHD are people pleasers. I think that a lot of obligations that we have are because what keeps us motivated is that “shiny new toy” and so we commit to doing things that excite us and give us that endorphin rush we crave, but we really haven’t looked realistically at whether we have the bandwidth or space to do those things and then we embark on the journey with the shiny new toy, but it starts to lose its shininess and then we’re just left with the obligation and the responsibility of finishing something which becomes a tremendous time and energy suck, especially because there are people depending on us;. There in lies the self image aspect. And I think that the true struggle is finishing things. We are great at starting things but finishing things is the true challenge, and overcommitment requires true self perspective which we often lack in our willingness to chase new shiny toys!! 😂 it is a vicious cycle. But my point is, the overcommitment is often self imposed 🤷🏽♀️
I have just discovered your channel. I don't know if I'm an ADHD'er, (most likely) but your videos are the best. You are giving me hope for so many of my issues. Thank you.
ADHD burnout and fatigue is already difficult enough, add the component of a narcissist parent who Expects everything from you and creates obligations you didn't sign up to, and guilt trips and shames you when you don't do it is the most exhausting feeling in the world. Some days im too exhausted to do even the simplest things ever.
its's weird to hear what's on ur head 24/7 said by som1 outloud .. like r u telling me im not the only one Feeling like this ? thank u for putting the light on some of our hidden fears
Truth and love by the way she mentioned it is more about process of rupture and repair with the self and others. The seeking a specific outcome is protecting ourselves from something
How to bring back self belief after setbacks or hard times in career and what to do for creating lasting momentum - drive to become an achiever without being stuck in self doubt inaction...
Woah, this hit home WAY More than I'm comfortable admitting hahaha. Thank you very much for these insights; I feel a lot of your videos are (at least to me) a lot about often-overlooked parts of ADHD that are profound to my experience with it. I rarely hear these takes elsewhere and they truelly help me step over all kinds of barriers.
I'm an AuDHDer and in perimenopause and I can't really sleep anymore. I never had good quality sleep. Ever. But it's never been so bad. It's ruined my quality of life. I'm literally just hanging in there for my kids at this point. It's hell. I struggle to make a living. I struggle to not feel like an absolute burden and waste of space.
I have felt like this since I was a preteen. Back then, of course, I was physically able to do things. But, now not being physically capable makes it that much worse.
No matter how hard I try, people do not like me. I'm helpless to change it. I've tried counseling, I've tried asking the ones who don't like me why. They tear down my entire person basically saying you need to not exist. I've tried asking the ones who do like me, they say that it doesn't matter if people like me as long as I like myself. Both not helpful. People cannot state a reason why, so I'm forced to believe it's for no reason. I'm just marked. I'm almost 70, so, I can truly say i've given it enough time. So I've ditched all of my obligations bc they are pointless. I've given up on having relationships.
Hi Caren, I just found your channel and I love it. I don't know if this is allowed or if you would mind if I ask for a little clarification, so it's totally okay if you ignore this comment, but- Something I've recognized is that I often genuinely don't want to do something and the dread of having to do it causes immense fatigue in the lead up, but then once I'm in the moment and afterwards, I'm really glad that I did it because it was fun and I'm happy have those memories now. For example, going to a party or hanging out with friends. I think my true self would prefer to just stay home, but out of obligation, I go anyway and that ends up being the right choice. But I still get exhausted by the dread and time leading up to it! How do you manage these kinds of events that are obligations in the lead up, but appealing to your true self in the retrospect? Or how can you tell true self obligation fatigue from a non-true self obligation fatigue before the obligation passes? Sorry if that doesn't make sense or isn't actually what you're getting at here! Thank you for your videos, they are eye opening!! (edited for clarity)
I am currently soooooo overwhelmed and trying to figure out where/how to get a break❤ I think I’ll call into work tomorrow because I can’t keep this up…. I need a reset And it is others but really it’s me feeling/being behind and constantly trying to catch up with my life 😅
I’ve also found that organised crime & corrupt LEOs are quite draining… …I find that taking time out from solving the world’s problems, to subtract these ‘resource intensive distractions’ from the greater equation… …is a great way to make productive use of my extensive ADHD procrastination time. That and walkies.
Was listening to dr. K from healthy gamer in a short the other day and he said masculinity is often defined by other people’s expectations that I’m not, and then internalizing these expectations of others through accepting and integrating into who we are and what we are about and then trying to meet them for years all while never developing a sense of what we care about in our life to point you end up as a suercidal 40 year old man in dr.k’s office.
Very intersting thought's which resonate greatly. I had a moment clarity last year and decided to be my true authentic self and say no to things and stand up in a mature and fair way to my now ex, Hence why she decided to call it quits. But its my fault, since if I had been my true self from the beginning the relationship either wouldn't have got off the ground or I would have been given more respect from the start. In this since I manipulated her to fit in with her life, but kept that up for an un-naturally long time until I decided to change my behaviour (for the better). If you do decided to try and be more of you authentic self, some people will feel like they did not sign up for that version of you, they preferred the old people pleasing one instead. I guess its a good way of exposing this, albeit, painful at times
Oh wow. This is 💯 true with me. I literally never stop. I thought it was a sign of my CPTSD but being recently diagnosed with ADHD I have been completely burnt out every day for over six years in particular but now that I look back it’s been always but not to the degree it is now. I was about to write people pleasing when you said the words. I people please because I don’t ever want to say no because I am crippled by fear of abandonment and I never want to experience the pain that I experienced as a child so I keep my distance from people and when I am around complete strangers I say yes to everything and I know I can’t commit to. I am a self taught artist to help myself heal but now it feels like an obligation even though I have only just shared my first piece on Instagram in four years of painting. Can you imagine my house? 😂
I dont do any favors for other people. My obligations are all for myself. Keeping a clean house. Going to work for money. I dont enjoy it at all but i like the outcome
Well to create a list of what we want to do that’s true to yourself you need to know who are you actually. And after a whole life of doing things you have to do , mostly reactively you simply don’t know what to put there at all
The tricky part is, once I start a project in my job, I usually get into it---it's only when I'm trying to start the project that I resent it. So is that an "obligation" only until I get some momentum, or what?
The thing thats hard for me to be "my true self" is ive been wearing this mask unknowingly for the longest time and that people that know me that way will think that im being fake or trying to be something im not and so i feel obligated to have this smile on my face all the time and give the perception that nothing wrong is going on in my life
i found out i have to move out with only 6 weeks notice. The place im moving in to needed the carpets ripped out and now i have to replace them. I freeze up when im rushed and thats not helpful. Im so tired and anxious.
Do you have any clients who are educators? Teachers dealing with ADHD (emotional disregulation, executive functioning deficits, etc) have a heightened state of emotion throughout the school day. Exhaustion on steroids!
Just knowing i HAVE to do something, makes exhausted beyond comprehension 😔
Obligation fatigue is a great term! It explains a lot of instances where I'm instantly overwhelmed by an email, text or an innocent question. I've been saying I want a "slower life", but honestly, I just want minimal obligations.
I totally understand.
YES!! This is why I hate appointments so much. I say yes to booking calls, or whatever, and then when the time comes, I feel obliged to follow through, even tho I hate myself for saying yes to it. So draining.
Same.
Is the “innocent question” really innocent? I was raised to not hold boundaries on what I share and have a parent that likes to take information to throw it in my face later. If I have to overthink a text I will come back later or let them know if I feel uneasy I will not speak on something. A lot of innocent questions are thinly veiled self serving questions.
I think it’s quite simple. We never get a break. We never get a chance to reset. If we reset, we can cope again. Until we can’t.
But who's responsibility is it to give you a break? ❤❤❤
@@CarenMagill That’ll be the problem. :-) Me.
I agree. But what never gets discussed is the policitical-economy of this phenomenon. We live in a highly unequal economy where we are forcibly pushed to be more and more extreme producer/consumers. For tens of millions of Americans "taking a break" would mean poverty, or they live in insecurity (a tough neighbourhood, or no home), or if they were to take a break where would they go, they simply don't have the money for a relaxing holiday. Then the rest of us are playing keeping up with the Jones'. We've got to suceed at work, relationships, exercising, dieting, house work, personal grooming, and on and on and on - again, this is pushed by our political-economy. A more equal economy where we worked a lot less would, one, be happier, two, be more productive, and three, make more economic sense.
@@JM-yf3ol You summed it up perfectly, to my mind. And that is why I haven’t had a break for twenty plus years. Fear of falling behind/messing up financially. Even though I know a break would ‘bring me back’. So is it the ADHD that stops me from doing what’s good for me, or the economy? Or perhaps that is a false equivalence because with better planning, we can all come off the pedal for a time. But not without forethought, and with the pace of life, and my brain, it just doesn’t happen.
@@JM-yf3ol Yes! And then trying to find a way to take a break without falling behind on work and bills and chores and basic self-care (all of which you're already struggling to do at anything like a reasonable level, because ADHD is like that) becomes another obligation. What a lot of us actually need is a break that doesn't also come with a reduction in time we have to meet our non-negotiable responsibilities, but there's no way to hit the pause button on work deadlines or rent coming due or living spaces getting dirty or needing to acquire and cook food or any of the other million things that we have to do to survive regardless of how much we might need a break from those things. I guess some people are able to pay others to take on some of those responsibilities for a while, but for the majority of us who don't? I don't what the solution is when just the obligations of basic living are exhausting.
Omg, yes. I'm in bed today paralyzed and exhausted. I told my family that I cannot do anything else in this house. I refuse to cook, clean, organize, anything house related I just HAVE to have a break from it. I feel physically and mentally drained and ill. I do not want to be here.
Other workers get weekends. I don't. I am so done.
Good luck, hope you feel better😉
I'm agreeing with you about obligation fatigue, before you even describe it. So many things I have to do. And it's gotten to the point that things I want to do, like spend time with family, feel like an obligation because I have so many other things I have to do.
Ok but here’s a question. What about the burn out and fatigue that we feel due to the “obligations” and tasks that we NEED to do. Keeping up with chores, self care, nutrition, relationships, work, time and money management, appointments and all the upkeep that comes with life in general ? I feel like more than anything these are the things that are suppose to be just normal basic accomplishments that so many of us are drowning in. Sure, we may tend to people-please too and create more obligations for ourselves (maybe to even make up for a mistake we made or somewhere we fell short) but I don’t know, at least for me, any burn out or fatigue comes more from the obligations that we NEED to do to function in this world and not AS much the obligations we choose to take on to please someone else
Consider seeing all of life's obligations as a challenge that you are constantly improving at. And I'm sure improvement is the word since I have a hard time believing that we get continually worse at these things. And you can improve at saying no to others who are interfering with your life's goals.
💯 I drown in all the things I have to do. Cleaning up after high functioning ADHD/ADD teenagers (3) who can’t seem to figure out how to clean up after themselves after countless reminders. I’m a broken record. While the hubby helps with laundry, everyday is a tornado behind me that undoes everything. I’m tired of it.
@@emschrader418maybe look into LearnDoBecome? They specialize in this type of issue of keeping a home organized
You are so correct...I don't have any wise words though...just know you're not the only one and I fully get it.
100% DITTO!!! 😵💫😮💨🤦🏼♀️
Totally feel it. 3 years ago I was working fulltime, married with young kids and doing a little volunteering. Someone asked to take another voluntary role with MUCH more work and responsibility. I said "no way", but at the next AGM they pressured me into it. Now I've been unemployed for nearly 2 years, and that unpaid role is like a full time job several times a year. I have side projects that have been totally neglected. And still, there are people involved who aren't happy with my work ethic and complain to my face and to others behind my back. People-pleasing doesn't even work!!! I've figured out an exit plan and will let the right people know next week, but should have done it ages ago, or stuck to my "no" in the first place.
This sounds like my 'part-time' job at a church. Running Mainly Music. Ha. Setting the whole thing up. Making all the instruments - drums and shakers - from scratch. Buying morning teas for the mums. Out of my own money and then being reimbursed later. When I got sick with a six month cough, I dragged myself out of bed, went to work, did my thing, and went home back to bed.
In the end of the year review, I was told by the vicar how many complaints they had had about me. I was devastated. Quit and walked out.
I had even done all their paperwork to be listed as a government recognised preschool.
No way the pay matched the amount of time and energy I put in.
I don't work in church schools anymore. And I don't do volunteer work either. None of them understand that a 3 hour shift is not 3 and a half or four hours.
Oh please get out of that role. Sounds like you might be around some toxic people. Don’t let them make you feel like the problem
@@Victoriaward thanks! I can't help but assume that most people are fundamentally good-hearted and just sometimes thoughtless, but there's definitely one or two "lifers" who don't understand that others can't (or don't want to) completely commit everything the way they do. I was helping to run a weekend event and someone on the committee was already crying at 8am because another organiser shouted at her over nothing. At least with a job you have professional boundaries, but these voluntary things become way too personal. This is definitely my last year of it -- too many other parts of my life have been unconsciously put on hold for it.
Omg this blew my mind right open 💥 I’m in the beginning stages of recovering from a lifetime of people pleaser mode, and trying to get more comfortable saying no to family & friends who routinely come to ME for assistance with all sorts of things, despite knowing how overloaded & overwhelmed I already am (as a single mom w/ADHD, of 2 teen boys who also have ADHD, and a full time jewelry designer/small business owner with NO employees) - yet they still expect me to drop all my spinning plates & bend over backwards to meet their needs, without ever really reciprocating or making an effort when I’m the one who needs help… even saying that out loud makes me feel gross, as if I only ever lend a hand in the hopes I’ll get something in return, but that’s not it at all… it’s about the energy given (perfectly described by you - the obligation & pressure to be of service) and the one sided-ness of it becoming a burden that fuels resentment & rumination 🙅🏼♀️ it still feels uncomfortable to say no at times, but it’s preferable to the total burnout that inevitably follows saying “yes” to people who feel entitled to your mental, physical & emotional labor !
any scheduling turns into too obligationey really fast for me
Yes when you start life with a covert narc needy mother who is also verbally abusive, it’s mind scrambling becus their behaviour doesn’t make sense and is designed to keep you off balance, confused and unconfident. It’s also been a massive energy drain for my poor ADHD brain and body (CFS) - with zero reward because they are so self-centred. They also become a huge emotional burden that you end up carrying throughout your life.
It also turns you into a people pleaser because try as you might, they are never satisfied with anything you do for them but it becomes your internal default mode for interacting with difficult people. Plus If you’re the family scapegoat, add demanding, bullying siblings as well and the havoc they cause.
Then afterall that, somehow try to add your own life on top.
💯💯💯💯
I’m coming to grips with things now at 40 years old. I honestly realized I have no idea who the heck I am or what I even want. I just do what my brain tells me to do at this point.
Right!
Feel so alone and sick
I'm right there with you. Your situation is the same as mine.
TBH, I can't even remember who I really am and what I truly want anymore. Got divorced, quit my corporate job, moved cities, retrained as an actor. Trained in NLP, Life coaching, Career coaching etc yet can't seem to finish anything or get anything to grow. Now working as a teacher assistant for terrible money and completely lost in life.
Trust me when I say - you are in there. The hard part is getting quiet enough to hear what's happening inside. The answers aren't "out there". I know that sounds woo woo, but it's true.
Right there with you, I have very little idea of who I am and what I want to truly spend my time doing.
Me too, in a very similar boat, except I never had the corporate job...Hang in there. Hopefully we find ourselves
Three burnouts later, here I am. Recently separated from a 30 year relationship that I just gave and gave to. I feel I’ve come a long way, but I can see how automatic it is for me to find something that I ‘have to do’. This video has come at a very good time for me. Thank you!
You are so welcome.
Obligation fatigue AND anticipated obligations . . . It can completely steal the present moment.
There is also fatigue from decision paralysis. Even when we are acknowleding and attempting to make the balanced , healthy decision we can waiver and get stuck ....which can be absolutely exhausted .
When I noticed I’m doing or feeling something that’s out of character. I stop and ask. What is driving this behavior? I’ll get still and allow the answer to find me. Some time the answer come almost immediately. Or I’ll have to say it a few times. When It comes to my attention it loses power over me. I’m back in control.
It's not about "if" you say no, it's about how you say "no" that's important. Remember to include empathy and/or explain why (with well intentions).
My friends somewhat demonstrate a little confusion when I say I’d rather not mix my genuine friendships with work obligations, whenever asked if I’d like to work on a passion project with them. I guess the typical logic is “working with friends is better and more fun,” while my logic is “why would I want to ruin a care-free friendship by adding work obligations to it?”
Balancing this versus making money is the biggest issue maybe
Maybe, but it's pervasive across every area of life. It might be that it's just triggering your money story specifically. Personally, I don't feel that in my work. I love what I do. (and I recognize that's a luxury no everyone has).
@@CarenMagill nvm it's because I work with marketing 😅
I can't imagine telling my boss I only want to so some tasks and to find someone else for the other things! That said, the bosses where I work do try to assign things based on people's stated preferences. It's just that some projects are 80% fun/interesting/engaging and 20% grunt work. Or worse, work which requires attention but is boooooring.
I totally agree!!😊
@@CarenMagillI love my work too! 200 % , but I don’t make enough money doing it ( the pandemic messed it all up) ! Working LESS as a self employed person means LESS income. And I don’t have enough as it is… 🧐 And NO. I don’t have children, a partner , family, friends or anyone but myself to be (financially) responsible for . Not even a cat! 🤪😼So I can’t really see how obligation would be my problem🤨but here I am writing the second comment on this video….🤔 so it obviously triggers something in me….. 😉. So thank you for that, Caren! 😍
Obligation Fatigue Is a perfect label for it !💯%
100%. Self-abandonment is so real and just leads to being so dissociated and worse symptoms for me. I love arranging my personal/physical space (and clothing) in a way that is *built for me* as a way to help me quickly reset and connect to myself. It's symbolic but also really real.... nothing worse than going home to an apartment or bedroom that looks "grown up" but doesn't meet my sensory needs, doesn't allow me to sit on the floor, and doesn't "catch" my mess well, allow me to be creative and do my hobbies, or support me through executive dysfunction.
This is so timely. I'm reading "not nice", which is authentic (aka the opposite of nice)
This is true. because we don't get a break. We do them to please people.
Sometimes this comes from not setting boundaries to other people that cannot help themselves. We just need to let them be and they can fix their own lives.
Thank you so, so much for this video. Just knowing I'm neither alone nor a selfish monster for feeling this way so often has lifted weight off of my heart and mind. This recent Mother's Day, when asked what I wanted, my response was "To sleep as much as I want to, and for nobody to ask me to help with anything, or to do anything", if that's not telling enough 😂.
This whole video is so affirming ... validates some concepts that I have come to and some of the practices that I have been working on..
I chose a self-less life. I chose to give everything to my children and husband in pursuit of family, connection and home. I think my “authentic self” changes with time. And this was through compassion and loving others! If I choose to serve myself, I would default on my responsibilities. So I don’t think abandoning my responsibilities is a good idea and will only lead to further disappointment shame and loneliness down the line.
Omg! This couldn’t have come at a better time for me! Today I feel like throwing in the towel on my current life. I have taken off work next week to get some alone time to reset my current life bc I’m barely hanging on!
Without even making it through the video you've labeled the feeling perfect for me.
I experience obligation fatigue towards my dog. I have completely burnt out from doing the same thing, the same walk over and over.
I also feel I never ever get a moment alone at home. She is always watching, always waiting for me to give her attention.
I have started to resent her and everything she does.
And I feel ashamed that I feel like this about the innocent being she is.
i cant stop looking at the ram's eye. i cant be the only one lol
Finally someone that understands me! In tears as I'm listening to this. Im 56 and have been feeling like this for years. Talk Therapy for the last 10 years no longer helps and I need solutions. I watched another one of your videos talking about bouncing around from role to role and this has been my life since I was a teenager. I get bored easy and although I have held positions for more than a a couple years, my last career choice I got burned out from it, after almost 20 years in the industry. I have worked several jobs and went independent, but now feel mentally exhausted. Thank you for sharing this content, it truly resonates.
This is my life and I wonder how different it would have been if I knew this term 40 years ago.
I always joke that I never take a vacation at Club Med because every single one of my work vacations has been a staycation in Club Bed (either at home but often in a hospital due to chronic condition I have which is exacerbated by stress and exhaustion). I’m on a never-ending cycle of recovering from the exhaustion of hitting home runs every time I’m “at bat” for work when maybe I could have just settled for a “single” to get on base - my bar is so high now I can barely see it and I’m the one that somehow put it up there.
It’s eerie that this video found me today as last night I stayed up for 24 hours straight trying to stop what was repeatedly thrumming in my head “I don’t want to live this life anymore”. And this video stopped my overthinking immediately for the first time in hours or maybe years.
Yes yes yes. So me. I even wish we never had to eat. I also feel pda also makes it worse. Being a single mum makes it also so much worse as you are responsible for your kids. And sometimes aging parents.
I’ve been saying for years, “I wish I didn’t have to eat!” So much work planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, eating, cleaning up, etc! I would turn my kitchen into a gym or craft room! 😂
Thank you! This hits the nail on the head!
It would help to have a way to sort out my self created obligations for my own life that don't involve anyone else.
In addition to working, I've been in the roles of mom, grandmother with live-in grandchild, then care-helping daughter, then executor of my parents' estate. My life was focused on obligations to/for others for over 40 years!
I've been "on my own" for 3 years & still have that dysfunctional need for outside obligations.
I realized recently that much of my life is now filled with new obligations that I created for myself!
And there's not enough time for everything.
I'm so used to operating in the overload that choices about "free time" feel awkward.
Plus, typically ADHD, it all seems important.
Sigh.
WOW! You just described my entire mood and outlook on life right now. I was feeling guilty for agreeing to plans and then being reluctant to go through with them. Most things in my life feel like obligations and I miss being myself. I have most things I need to be comfortable, but there is still a void I don't know how to fill.
You hit the nail on the head! I have felt exhausted at the soul level my entire life. It feels like my spirit has a flu almost all the time.
This feels so true, and every time I don’t measure up my own perfect performance expectations, I feel so guilty. And it just gets worse as my own demands on myself are always unrealistic. I just feel so overwhelmed with my obligations to others that I seldom have any time to be myself. Thanks for the video. ❤
I needed this reminder!
As someone who studies this kind of content regularly, I already have systems in place for journaling, value lists, and needs assessment, and review them all daily. but STILL I needed an outside reminder to get back on track. We often take our growth for granted when it's only recognized internally for too long. Thank you for being an external guide and example. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Love how relatable and informative your videos are!🎉❤
Thank you so much!!
Wow. You are speaking directly to me. I’ve just been booked off work for 5 weeks for burnout and I have no idea how to come back to my bubbly, energetic, full of life self. The excercise of authenticity vs obligation is exactly where I’m going to start! Thank you so much for this.
How are you getting 5 weeks off?!
The term encapsulates what i've been feeling most of my life.... I mean at it's core I understood what it was, but never been put so neatly into a nice term.
I've always did my best to keep to my obligations, but I felt I sacrificrificed what I needed/wanted. I've been working for the last 10 years on learning to say no and trying not to feel guilty for it... I've made some progress, but not as much as I'd like.
I've had someone mention the the following
"When you're on an airplane and they give you safety intructions, they tell you to put your oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. That's because you can't help anyone if you pass out. You need to apply the same to your life. It's ok to care for and take care of others... but if you don't take care of yourself you will not have the energy to help others"
I've been applying that to my life lately.
Getting ADHD diagnosis is a long road, but ever since i started looking at my problems through the ADHD lense, life has been getting slowly easier. This is another video clearly explaining the feelings I get around obligations, and telling me that what I feel is the right choices deep in my heart are more legitimate than I give them credit for... The hardest part is responsibly doing what needs to be done, an obligation from this stupid normative society preventing me from going full tilt into doing what I love... Which is building violins and growing food.... Why am I working as a boat part salesman? Obligation to maintain payments to this house and keeping my belly full of food.
People need gardening consultants!! I know I do. Could be done over Zoom calls.
This hits the nail on the head! I totally understand why one of your followers said, I dont know who I am anymore. That is me for sure. I feel my chest tighten, or overall tension when people ask me for something because saying no has always been a problem!! And, yes I do get angry at myself!! It's a vicious cycle. It actually just happened a couple of minutes ago. Received a message asking for help again!! I have tried to say no on many occasions and people turn their back on me. I feel like I'm missing something.
I FEEL this!
Especially living ~4 hours from my family, May-July is FULL of Mother’s Day (including my mother in law)/Father’s Day, 4 birthdays (one is mine), and the 4th. We don’t have the capacity to host them up here, so that logistically puts us ‘bing-bonging’ back and forth.
The moment May starts, my anxiety at the idea of obligatory trips works my literal last nerve.
There’s one birthday I am absolutely down for: my niece’s.
I went down for Mother’s Day this year. But then my mom told me to “be sure to plan something for (my stepdad’s) big number birthday!” 😳 I was in internalized shock, and just smiled.
All due respect, I live 4 hours away. Our household is one income, best I can do is make cute cookies and bring them.
Add to this: we stay in hotels when we come in, because my parents smoke…heavily.
She (mom) gets mad that we tend to bail on anything after my niece’s birthday - because we are worn out! And: we have things we want to do over the summer. 48 hour trips almost every weekend of the summer isn’t on the list.
It throws off any ‘routine’ I’m dialed into at home.
I have few obligations in a way. I have chosen a life with very few. But it's still absolutely much. They are so heavy.❤
Not exactly the same thing but Gretchen Rubin talks about “obliger rebellion.” She uses it to describe when people who get most of their motivation based on extrinsic commitments and what happens when they reach a burnout point.
Even watching videos about adhd is too much for me, just to much information I can not wrap my head around :(
OMGosh..... that is such a perfect new definition. Exactly! Especially after having grown up being looked down on and therefore trained to chase after recognition. So much so, that we can't stop the people pleasing. I totally agree.
This video couldn't have come at a better time!
Today I woke up feeling super drained, even though I got a decent night's sleep. Just the thought of having breakfast and turning up my laptop for work made me hit snooze on my alarm way too many times... Now, after lunch, I'm trying my best to avoid thinking about the mountain of work waiting for me on a Friday 😭. But seriously, your video hit home for me bc of some stuff going on with my personal relationships, and got me thinking about what I really want (and don't want) in life, and how I want to be present for them.
Thanks a ton, Caren, for putting this out there!
My pleasure, and glad it resonated!
This came in just in time, I really struggle for being over committed, I eve noticed I was feeling pressure just from to-do list
I relate to this so much I could cry! This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!!!
Thank you for this topic, I was able to identify four areas where I could make a small tweak and I would be living from integrity rather than obligation.
YAY finally a clear explanation of how I have been feeling forever, always exhausted for too many obligations
Tl
This concept is me to a T! The problem for me is that work is the biggest issue for me. I hate my job, can't find another, and it's interfering in my creative endeavors because I have to be at work at the tines when I have the most energy and focus. I'm ready to just say the heck with it and quit and work hard at the career I want to make a living at.
Oh my gosh, this was a light bulb/revelation moment for me! So thankful I came across this today ✨
When there are complaints, u have to schedule friends, family, fun and bubble bath brain rest time- do nothing time, I suppose.
I mean, there may be people pleasers in the breath of the
viewers, but not everybody is a people pleaser, and not everybody with ADHD are people pleasers. I think that a lot of obligations that we have are because what keeps us motivated is that “shiny new toy” and so we commit to doing things that excite us and give us that endorphin rush we crave, but we really haven’t looked realistically at whether we have the bandwidth or space to do those things and then we embark on the journey with the shiny new toy, but it starts to lose its shininess and then we’re just left with the obligation and the responsibility of finishing something which becomes a tremendous time and energy suck, especially because there are people depending on us;. There in lies the self image aspect. And I think that the true struggle is finishing things. We are great at starting things but finishing things is the true challenge, and overcommitment requires true self perspective which we often lack in our willingness to chase new shiny toys!! 😂 it is a vicious cycle. But my point is, the overcommitment is often self imposed 🤷🏽♀️
Absolutely, and well said. I don't think all obligation is based on people pleasing, but it's certainly a part of it. Any that shiny object syndrome!!
@@CarenMagillthank you for your content, just truly helpful to me right now. 🙏🏽
Sometimes, the people-pleasing is towards self (one's ideal self).
I have just discovered your channel. I don't know if I'm an ADHD'er, (most likely) but your videos are the best. You are giving me hope for so many of my issues. Thank you.
Yes obligation fatigue! Great name for it.
ADHD burnout and fatigue is already difficult enough, add the component of a narcissist parent who Expects everything from you and creates obligations you didn't sign up to, and guilt trips and shames you when you don't do it is the most exhausting feeling in the world. Some days im too exhausted to do even the simplest things ever.
Yes!
its's weird to hear what's on ur head 24/7 said by som1 outloud .. like r u telling me im not the only one Feeling like this ? thank u for putting the light on some of our hidden fears
Truth and love by the way she mentioned it is more about process of rupture and repair with the self and others. The seeking a specific outcome is protecting ourselves from something
This is like self determination theory in a nutshell that is a motivation and needs meeting theory.
How to bring back self belief after setbacks or hard times in career and what to do for creating lasting momentum - drive to become an achiever without being stuck in self doubt inaction...
Great video! Sent it to everyone in my life! Thanks for putting a name to this feeling
only found you today:), you seem to be a beautiful soul, keep up the good work, Namaste
The urge to load the pets in the car and just drive away from the rest of it is probably a sign.
I Literally Just Did This 😮💨😮💨..
I'm so right there me and my furbabys but go where? And then what? Just can't make it work
I instatntly liked you when finding you yesterday on youtube❤❤❤love this content
This video is awesome, thank you Caren!
I've just listened to it for the second time, and have it saved for listening to it again later.
I love the term. I'm gonna keep it thanks
Woah, this hit home WAY More than I'm comfortable admitting hahaha. Thank you very much for these insights; I feel a lot of your videos are (at least to me) a lot about often-overlooked parts of ADHD that are profound to my experience with it. I rarely hear these takes elsewhere and they truelly help me step over all kinds of barriers.
I'm an AuDHDer and in perimenopause and I can't really sleep anymore. I never had good quality sleep. Ever. But it's never been so bad. It's ruined my quality of life. I'm literally just hanging in there for my kids at this point. It's hell. I struggle to make a living. I struggle to not feel like an absolute burden and waste of space.
gurl, we're with you ❤
I have felt like this since I was a preteen. Back then, of course, I was physically able to do things. But, now not being physically capable makes it that much worse.
Wow thank you. You nailed it for me
Me! I’m always procrastinating and it bugs me to where it’s now completely unconscious
I feel most of what i have ever done has been by force. I have to pay bills so i have to do this thing. Its exhausting ❤
No matter how hard I try, people do not like me. I'm helpless to change it. I've tried counseling, I've tried asking the ones who don't like me why. They tear down my entire person basically saying you need to not exist. I've tried asking the ones who do like me, they say that it doesn't matter if people like me as long as I like myself. Both not helpful. People cannot state a reason why, so I'm forced to believe it's for no reason. I'm just marked. I'm almost 70, so, I can truly say i've given it enough time. So I've ditched all of my obligations bc they are pointless. I've given up on having relationships.
good readin Byung Chul " the burnout society" he's a philosopher
Hi Caren, I just found your channel and I love it. I don't know if this is allowed or if you would mind if I ask for a little clarification, so it's totally okay if you ignore this comment, but-
Something I've recognized is that I often genuinely don't want to do something and the dread of having to do it causes immense fatigue in the lead up, but then once I'm in the moment and afterwards, I'm really glad that I did it because it was fun and I'm happy have those memories now. For example, going to a party or hanging out with friends. I think my true self would prefer to just stay home, but out of obligation, I go anyway and that ends up being the right choice. But I still get exhausted by the dread and time leading up to it!
How do you manage these kinds of events that are obligations in the lead up, but appealing to your true self in the retrospect? Or how can you tell true self obligation fatigue from a non-true self obligation fatigue before the obligation passes? Sorry if that doesn't make sense or isn't actually what you're getting at here! Thank you for your videos, they are eye opening!!
(edited for clarity)
I am enmeshed to this by narc. alcoholic family and i feel freeze stuck even if i live alone.
very valuable .. thank you!🌻
I am currently soooooo overwhelmed and trying to figure out where/how to get a break❤ I think I’ll call into work tomorrow because I can’t keep this up…. I need a reset
And it is others but really it’s me feeling/being behind and constantly trying to catch up with my life 😅
Another way to describe this is the difference between intrinsic (“love-based”) and extrinsic (“obligations”) motives
I’ve also found that organised crime & corrupt LEOs are quite draining…
…I find that taking time out from solving the world’s problems, to subtract these ‘resource intensive distractions’ from the greater equation…
…is a great way to make productive use of my extensive ADHD procrastination time.
That and walkies.
Great video thank you ❤
Was listening to dr. K from healthy gamer in a short the other day and he said masculinity is often defined by other people’s expectations that I’m not, and then internalizing these expectations of others through accepting and integrating into who we are and what we are about and then trying to meet them for years all while never developing a sense of what we care about in our life to point you end up as a suercidal 40 year old man in dr.k’s office.
Very intersting thought's which resonate greatly.
I had a moment clarity last year and decided to be my true authentic self and say no to things and stand up in a mature and fair way to my now ex, Hence why she decided to call it quits.
But its my fault, since if I had been my true self from the beginning the relationship either wouldn't have got off the ground or I would have been given more respect from the start.
In this since I manipulated her to fit in with her life, but kept that up for an un-naturally long time until I decided to change my behaviour (for the better).
If you do decided to try and be more of you authentic self, some people will feel like they did not sign up for that version of you, they preferred the old people pleasing one instead. I guess its a good way of exposing this, albeit, painful at times
That’s called codependency.
Recommended reading - Boundaries by H. Cloud
Oh wow. This is 💯 true with me. I literally never stop. I thought it was a sign of my CPTSD but being recently diagnosed with ADHD I have been completely burnt out every day for over six years in particular but now that I look back it’s been always but not to the degree it is now. I was about to write people pleasing when you said the words. I people please because I don’t ever want to say no because I am crippled by fear of abandonment and I never want to experience the pain that I experienced as a child so I keep my distance from people and when I am around complete strangers I say yes to everything and I know I can’t commit to. I am a self taught artist to help myself heal but now it feels like an obligation even though I have only just shared my first piece on Instagram in four years of painting. Can you imagine my house? 😂
Best video. Exactly how I feel.
so true… thank you
Now I feel obligated to watch all these videos.
I dont do any favors for other people. My obligations are all for myself. Keeping a clean house. Going to work for money. I dont enjoy it at all but i like the outcome
Well to create a list of what we want to do that’s true to yourself you need to know who are you actually. And after a whole life of doing things you have to do , mostly reactively you simply don’t know what to put there at all
Totally agree!
Thank you 🙏
The tricky part is, once I start a project in my job, I usually get into it---it's only when I'm trying to start the project that I resent it. So is that an "obligation" only until I get some momentum, or what?
The thing thats hard for me to be "my true self" is ive been wearing this mask unknowingly for the longest time and that people that know me that way will think that im being fake or trying to be something im not and so i feel obligated to have this smile on my face all the time and give the perception that nothing wrong is going on in my life
i found out i have to move out with only 6 weeks notice. The place im moving in to needed the carpets ripped out and now i have to replace them. I freeze up when im rushed and thats not helpful. Im so tired and anxious.
Do you have any clients who are educators? Teachers dealing with ADHD (emotional disregulation, executive functioning deficits, etc) have a heightened state of emotion throughout the school day. Exhaustion on steroids!
I have worked with ex-teachers who left for that very reason.
So true...