#8: What You Should Know About Embalming: My Personal Experience

Video transcipt:
I want to talk about embalming, especially for those who prefer not to be cremated. The embalming process typically happens soon after death. The embalmer will remove the body’s blood and replace it with a chemical solution to preserve the skin and maintain the body’s color for several days. The internal organs remain in the body.
If you’re considering embalming, it's important to understand what can happen. I’d like to share my experience and some feedback about this process. My mother passed away at midnight, but for some reason, she died on December 6th, which seemed significant to me, though I’m not sure why. After her passing, I called the hospice nurse station to notify them. They told me the nurse would arrive in about an hour or so. We waited, and when the nurse finally arrived, she was certified to pronounce death.
She checked my mother’s lungs with a stethoscope, even though my mother had no pulse, which I assume was to make sure her heart had completely stopped. The nurse officially pronounced my mother dead at 1:14 A.M. I asked her if that was the time that would be recorded on the death certificate, even though I was with my mother at midnight. She explained that only the certified nurse could determine the time of death. So, just know that the time listed on a death certificate might not exactly reflect when the person actually passed.
After the nurse made the pronouncement, she asked us to choose a funeral home from a list provided by the hospice. Once we selected one, she left to call the funeral home and didn’t stay with us while we waited. The funeral home called my father to collect the necessary details, and they said they would arrive in about an hour and a half. We ended up waiting another hour and a half while my mother’s body remained in the room. Finally, the funeral home arrived to pick up her body.
Now, regarding embalming: Once my mother’s body arrived at the funeral home, they planned to embalm her the next morning. A few days later, her body was to be transported to Tennessee for burial. Since we live in Maryland, I requested to see my mother’s body before it was shipped. When the funeral home director from Tennessee arrived in Frederick to pick her up, I was expecting to see her first. However, the staff led my sister and me to a small room in the building, where we waited for them to bring her in.
When they brought her in, I immediately had a strong reaction. I thought they had brought the wrong body. Her face looked so different. Above her nose, she looked like my mother, but from the nose down, she looked completely different. I was upset and didn’t expect to see her like that. What had happened was that my mother had no teeth, so during embalming, the funeral home had placed a filler in her mouth to make it look fuller and to keep her mouth closed. This made her face appear different.
We stepped outside to watch as the body was placed into the transport van. I informed my father about what I had seen. I also contacted the funeral home in Tennessee, and they assured me they would fix her mouth. Of course, funeral professionals are trained to comfort families in distress, so I felt relieved when they said they would address the issue.
A few days later, I called to follow up and was told something different. They said it would be difficult to fix the appearance after embalming since the skin had become stiff, but they would do their best. My father suggested that we wait until we arrived in Tennessee to see how they had fixed it. That way, we could decide whether to proceed with an open casket viewing.
As a family, we have a tradition of having open caskets, which helps bring closure, so I agreed with my father’s suggestion. When we arrived in Tennessee and saw her body, she looked a little better, but it still broke my heart. There were bruises around her mouth, and they had done their best to fix it. However, there was still a noticeable hole under her chin. I had to accept it as it was.
We decided to proceed with an open casket, as many of our family and relatives would want to see her. When I returned home to Maryland, I called the funeral home to share my feedback. I suggested that, when embalming is done and the goal is to improve the appearance, they should ask families for a photo of the deceased beforehand and get approval on whether or not to use fillers, especially in the mouth. In my case, I would have preferred they didn’t use the filler as long as they could close my mother’s mouth naturally, since we were used to the way her mouth looked.
So, if you’re considering embalming for a loved one, be aware that these changes may occur, and you may want to communicate your preferences clearly. While cremation might be a simpler option that avoids concerns about the body’s appearance, embalming can be important for some families, but it does come with considerations. I hope this helps as you make decisions for your own family.