I used to do this. Now, i tell my partner that I'm feeling unsafe in my own head because of my trauma, and let him know that it's nothing to do with him or us. That gives him the chance to be empathetic (and he is) and show me that it's ok to have these feelings, no one is going to punish me for feeling anymore, and that he's a safe person to go to when i need love and support. It only took me until age 45 to do this.
I finally found such as THAT. With Us it flows both ways as we BOTH have this protection spell but together we lean into each other and extend each other's shield.
accepting that a partner might leave you (for one reason or the other, the 0 risk does not exist ) and realizing that if that happens you will always be able to care of yourself and eventually move on, might be liberating The inner child inside can rely on the adult you since his survival no longer depends on other adults
True, but i think the problem is that you do not attach yourself to people because you know that the rejection or them leaving is gonna happen eventually. So yoou keep some distance because it helps you feel safer.
@@farihashamim6860 no, I like my life and I try to improve on myself every day to prevent catastrophes from occuring. I'd never want to harm relationships that I've tried so hard to build or ruin job opportunities that may come from just getting to know people. My husband is my best friend and I keep my friend group small so we get along always. We respect differences and try to challenge each other to do better. There's nothing I want in life, and I have everything I need. I'm very confident and secure and I'm always seeking out reasons and answers. I question everything. I think when you have a growth mindset, there's no need to sabotage anything. If i don't like something; I try to change it or move on. Why make something worse, or make life harder than it has to be? Secure people rarely feel insecure. I know if I'm feeling insecure, I change and learn what made me feel that way so I don't feel insecure again. I rise to meet challenges.
@@farihashamim6860They do, but at a much lower degree of intensity & frequency, and they’re resilient enough to seek healthier solutions and able to carry them out
Or people who always lose the people who love the most it could be for dead or cheating or because they eventually found their tribes. For me is not insecurities is people get tired of losing
I am with one now and it has been almost 5yrs. I used to have an anxious attachment style but I have been working on myself and these situations are becoming harder and harder to deal with. Despite loving him so deeply.
Just remember that this isn’t meant to be hurtful. You can also communicate back to dig and find more information. People who do this often feel like they are not supported in their relationships or that their partner doesn’t really care about them. It’s far different than being manipulative and using emotions and hurt to shift blame onto you for their pain.
@@TheRiannaMarieYes, it sucks all the energy and looks like a child's play, although energetically you can feel the feelings and how it is in reality. Maybe prayers, talking out could help, if you could talk with him calmly about sensitive topics. He asked recently, how to trust..
My ex did this. I told him that I knew what he was doing and that his tests were just making it worse. I told him that the more he validates his fears, the stronger they get and he'll never be happy and that eventually he actually will push me away. Well one day he pushed it too far and we broke up. We were together for a year. A year of trying to make my partner (who REFUSED therapy even though he has INTENSE trauma) feel safe and loved and understood no matter how hard or often he pushed. Well eventually I broke. And I'm better off for it. And before people think I was too harsh on him and should have waited it out, let me ask you this: why do I need to be his therapist? Why do I need to put in all of the emotional labour? Why do I need to constantly have those conversations in order to feel sane? Why do I need to do that? Put myself through that? I did wait it out. For a year I waited it out. And it just got worse. Why? Not because I made him feel bad about it. Not because I scolded him. Not because I made him feel rejected in any way. I worked so hard to do the exact OPPOSITE! No. The reason it got worse was because he refused to get help and address the route of the problem. I am not anyone's therapist. And I refuse to help anyone who won't help themselves.
& unfortunately you are quite right my dear very wise words he was not able at that time to face enormity of his fears that’s not a weakness either it’s a safety mechanism he’s not in any good place to help himself but one day he’ll be .. so I guess love can also mean that you have to walk away & not look back becoz that part is not your journey it’s theirs.. 😢 if you do not attach a seatbelt onto yourself first you’re in no position to be responsible for trusting yourself to be of best situation hat you can be when you burn out its two burnt out both of you have no help at all & U best acknowledge before anyone else love yourself 1st!!
Nah, I don't think you were too hard; you'd have lived a miserable life and people would've bIamed you for not leaving. I left a relationship before it started for this very thing and trust me, it turned out to be a VERY good thing.
Oh I don't judge you for that at all. I applaud you. If he wasn't willing to do the work in therapy, you would've been playing that game for the rest of your life. Ok if you like that dysfunctional game, but since you didn't (I wouldn't have, either), you did yourself AND him both a favor. ❤
This is me to a T. Sad. I push and cut off friendships and relationships due to my fearful avoidant attachment style. I always believed people will leave me, so I ways to leave so I'm in control. They didn't leave me. I left them. Which then reinforced the belief that no one stays.
And eventually you find someone who understands... I, myself have been deep in my own healing work, when I met her. She had that kind of pattern, it was tough, but we managed to get through it, because knowledge is key. We've been friends for years now and when she pulls away, I give her space, because I know, it's not about me, she needs to reconnect with herself, to finally connect with me again. ❤
@@luzleona33love so much that you sense when she's pulling away and you give her that space instead of getting super clingy, you know it's her needing to take that space in order to find her and then you - it sounds complicated but whatever I just Love that you're understanding and supportive(even when supportive = backing off and not feeling bad about the space or insecure about the space and knowing what's up and not making her feel guilty or shamed or obligated when she does come back to you after getting right with herself)❤
@@FrankleeAstar Thank you so much for your kind words. It's uncomfortable from time to time, because my abandonment wound gets reactivated as well, when she pulls away, right now it's actually a bit challenging. But I know the pattern so well, she shows herself to me in all her vulnerability and then she disappears for a while... I know a big part of her history, it all makes sense to me, why she is doing that. The challenge for me, is to stay calm and balanced and not get my fears run all over me.
We all have abandonment issues to some extent. What I have learned is can I be ok with me , can I be my own best friend. I have also learned its not my job, responsibility to have to prove myself to the person doing the testing. It's on them to feel safe in the world. Otherwise its a relationship of 2 wounded souls not a shared journey of 2 individuals.
Thank You for explaining how that works. I dated someone like that years ago and it was exhausting. We all have issues but that was unbearable. No matter how much you assure rhe person, they still create drama.
@@devariojohns watch the video again undistracted. Listen closely. Basically what she described becomes a perpetual drama. The person needs constant assurance yet they do things to make you want to end the relationship...... sometimes extremely disruptive and embarrassing things. Everything for attention and assurance. Then they're sorry and don't want it to end. That kind of perpetual drama affects every aspect of your life.
@ceilconstante640 I suppose I can see how that would be exhausting, but the opposite is also true. If they focus on doing everything right because they fear being abandoned, they will burn themselves out in an attempt to show you they matter, and if you tell them to relax, they start to feel like you don't need them and will see it as them being "fired" from the relationship because they don't do enough. By saying this is tiring, we are confirming the beliefs of someone who can do no good on either end (at least they believe they cant.) How does a person like that heal?
@@devariojohns How someone Like that can heal? At least Not from the confirmation of Others. Their Cup has a hole. You cant fill it. You cant give them what they need and they are responsible to Work on that. Also that Someone is ill or is suffering and isnt trying to Hurt Others on purpose doesnt mean it doesnt Hurt or makes it less exhausting. You can Wish someone the best and Love them and still cant handle being with them.
I had the same abandonment issue 6 months into my relationship but instead of pushing him away I constantly believed that everything was the end of the relationship coming. He helped me work on it and now we live together and just celebrated year 4 of the relationship.
30 years ago I had a friend who told me she carried this fear and she knew she pushed people away. This was a warning bcuz she had zero intention of changing. And bcuz of her i learned to hear and believe what people said. (Where did women, or HOW did women develop the mindset we can change people? Where did that come from? I had it and can’t figure out what made me think that way). Lastly with this same friend who had also told me she liked taking people down a peg or 2, or ie take the wind out of their sales (and i was unaware i was a holier than thou judgmental friend….) anyhow after I grew and became aware of that and the concept of codependency via the awesome definitive book: CODEPENDENT NO MORE, by Melody Beatty(?) I shared with my friend that being treated sarcastically and neg criticizing wasn’t ok. And the same went for my own behavior. And we had been wonderful friends when all was well, but it was horrid when it went sour. Also we were both spiritual seekers into the same slant on life. So I thought she would be open to this. She wasn’t. I can remember her words to this day, “well I’m not going to change” spoken with utter indifference. So I said goodbye.
“If you’re emotionally healthy then you’ll want to leave or set a boundary because I’m not actually communicating with you.” I am in this situation. We eventually get to communicate, but it happens enough that I am getting stressed out in a bad way. There is also dysregulation in the form of anger and yelling that I get really uncomfortable with. I am not 100% emotionally healthy but I try to take care of my own needs and be supportive and empathetic even when the anger is targeted at me. Because I know that’s not the intention. However, I can feel it wearing on my self esteem and feelings of safety. I can’t imagine ending a relationship with someone I love who I know is also struggling and hurting. I feel I’ve been running a marathon and there is light at the end of the tunnel but I’m running out of strength and stamina. I’m afraid to let him down and also reinforce his fears of abandonment. I don’t know how I could possibly be honest about my feelings without hurting him and reinforcing his fears. I’ve noticed myself faking how I feel to remain calm and supportive when Im getting yelled out. It helps to keep the focus on him and validate what he is feeling but then, I start to appreciate our relationship less, because I don’t get to feel safe. I’m uncomfortable in the relationship right now and not sure what to do. It’s really hard when you realize that being in a relationship is too hard to handle, that taking care of myself means I have to give up on it.
I’ve had a very difficult time with a person like that and it’s quite tiring No matter how much I tried to help and talk it was never working It was always me trying my best to keep them happy and eventually I lost myself trying to please someone who couldn’t even understand or see what’s happening I am no longer communicating with that person and I feel better It’s all about taking care of yourself and wanting the best for yourself… that’s my lesson.
It’s never enough for them because that’s what they project onto the other person. They can’t control themselves. But are addicted to controlling others. It’s abusive behavior and it’s not healthy. I don’t understand these people anymore.
It's so hard to accept that you can't help people who aren't interested in being helped or getting better. You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I have abandonment issues caused by my abusive dad playing mind games with me and being manipulative--- either threatening to hurt the pets I had, or if I said anything that he deemed offensive to him he'd take me somewhere and tell me that was my new home and would make me get out the car and he'd drive away and come back 15-20 minutes later. He'd try to buy my love every time he did this to me. I hate that everyone in My life saw what was happening but they did nothing and it almost made me believe that what I was experiencing was normal. I now, as an adult, have severe anxiety at the thought of commiting to any relationship, whether it be romantic or friendship. Really anything that involves emotional or physical commitment. I recently started to nip the bid of any possible relationship forming because I just can't deal with the possibility of being treated horribly.
I attract partners like this. The avoidants. I had an anxious attachment style but have been working on it for the last fews years (while being in a relationship with an avoidant type.) We are almost 5yrs in and it has been an interesting road. I do feel I am more willing to change and grow and blossom than they are. They could care less. Or at least that's how they make it seem and what they say. I am becoming more emotionally healthy and able to take a step back and look at how ridiculous these situations can be, I have been setting firm boundaries. As I continue to do so, it gets harder and harder to deal with these situations.
Yep, I even do it to my friendships. I have no friends because of it. I even self sabotage my jobs with co workers. I attracted partners who had abandoned issues too. I'm glad I'm aware of it now and apologize to the people who I did hurt and except not everyone will forgive me and that's ok. ❤
Same here. It is really lonely. I am convinced that my action to abandon first had to be right because if the person cared they would try to talk and find out what is going on.
If you're someone who does this, or is in any kind of relationship with someone who does this, then learning DBT skills can be super helpful! Love the T-shirt 😅
Oooooo I do this with everybody, deep inside I "know" people will leave, so I have impossible expectations thst of course are never fulfilled and then I leave the relationship / friendship "knowing" that i was right. Thank you for these videos, I am currently reading Be The Love You Seek and it is AMAZING. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to know that setting a boundary and/or wanting to leave means that I’m emotionally healthy. I’ve been on the other side of the coin before and everything’s so different from what I could’ve ever imagined on the other side ❤
Just had a guy do this me. I got fed up when he tried to pick a fight, via text, over soy on Thanksgiving day 🙄pick your battles people. You dont want the straw that broke the camel's back to be over a soy conversation.
It is so frustrating to be on the receiving end of this... feels very helpless. And I want it so badly not to happen. Eventually, my trauma over being manipulated kicks in, and things go downhill fast leading to lack of trust and separation. Heartbreaking.
So true. Isn’t it strange how the mind works in such an opposite way than it should. But it’s “what is.” We get abandoned as children and have these huge trauma wounds that we carry into adulthood that screw up our lives even worse. If it wasn’t for UA-cam I never would’ve become aware of what was fundamentally wrong with me my whole life; that’s after numerous mental health care professionals, misdiagnosis, and medications. It’s called complex post traumatic stress disorder. That’s why the woman in the video behaves the way she does over abandonment issues. Unfortunately, the mental health field doesn’t have CPTSD in their DSM-5 yet so it can’t be considered a real diagnosis. Thank God there are videos like this that spread awareness about how these things affect us. Then after we realize the damage that was done to us, WE have to do the arduous work of healing ourselves or our lives will never get any better. Great, isn’t it? 😢❤
Everything you said is exactly my experience. If it hadn't been for YT, I never would have figured it out. Therapists were worthless. Lost a lot of money and time. I do not know how to do the healing. YT isn't so strong on that and probably can't be. Finding a therapist with knowledge and integrity is next to impossible. They will say they know how to treat CPTSD, but it quickly becomes obvious that they don't. The never discuss childhood!! That is a powerful clue.
I have abandonment trauma and I don’t do this. Thank God 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽. My mom does though, which is whom I have the abandonment trauma from. I would love to see more examples of this type of trauma.
I'm so glad I'm aware of this now, because I definitely see it in myself and I found it helps to find someone who's a good communicator, listens, and is kind. But working on myself is the most important part to stopping this self sabotaging cycle. It's exhausting.
I think it potentially also comes from the fact that children themselves when they constantly feel abandoned and not understood that they'll push the limits within your adult until that they get proof that this adult is emotionally safe, so this might carry on into adult hood with other adults. Where there will do things that will bother the other adult. But if the other adult doesn't seem to treat them any differently even when this mostly mature adult does immature things then emotionally mature adult will feel like they could eventually be calm again and relaxed cause. They won't be randomly abandoned when they really truly feel a big emotion and when leaving that Would be really terrible for them
That's totally me. I lost a lot of friendships because of massive abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. It's still a lot of work before I get that sorted, if ever.
How does one change this? I've discovered that I'm so afraid to share myself that I just don't, and then I also sabotage my relationships because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
not a therapist but have been there myself. I used CBT to look for the evidence about whether people liked me. Then, when I got scared, I dared myself to actively lean into the discomfort for as long as I could (telling the person was helpful as it helped me feel accountable and also meant they could see that I was trying to break the pattern). It changed my life for the better. Strongly recommend Sam Dylan Finch's blog about "who do you cancel on"
If you can't afford a therapist (or the "great" free health care system of Sweden fails you lol).. First of all, be ready to get hurt. It seems like it's not possible to accept. But unfortunately, we will get hurt sooner or later in life, bigger or smaller. We have to know that it can and will happen, and that we WILL be OK with it when it happens. - But our issues will certainly make it happen more soon and more often because we push them away in all sorts of ways when they actually want us. It is much harder to look back and know that we fucked all our relationships up ourselves, rather than it being a natural course. :/ Secondly, read and study articles, books, and/or watch longer videos about BPD. Write down the behaviors you feel that you do. Try to remember them or go back and read your notes. Start working on the things you feel are easier than other behaviors and to stop doing it, or do less. Either in frequency or in magnitude. Ex. about getting really angry/frustrated(hurt/sad) - take one moment and think it through. COMMUNICATE and say you need some space to think/calm down/cool off. If you have stable/good friends you can tell them (verbally or text them) about your fears, or if they are used to the behaviors, tell them that you don't want to, are aware and are working on them (and need support). When you are aware of what you do and why, you can work on it. I'm quite far on the path to getting better at handling this. I still get all the emotions of fear and wanting to push people away "before they do it". - And I have great stable friends who I know love me. But it still doesn't feel like it sometimes. So I have to pause a lot. Let my feelings get less intense. I want to talk to them about what it was that got me scared, but I still can't open up - about anything. But I can barely talk about my inner self/feelings. That step is the hardest. Even though I know they would listen and support me 100%. It makes me vulnerable and I can't be that yet. But what I can do is act different. Either way, for me, the biggest help to myself/my relationships yet is to NOT act on my feelings immediately, when it feels the most intense. Sorry that my tips isn't complete and a mess, it's 3AM here and I was just about to go to sleep when I read your comment and wanted to share some of my tips that workes for me.
I do this all the time actually. Sometimes I will even subtly insult the person in order to push them away. It seems that if they pass the test and stick with me it's because then, they are safe to trust. It's very automatic though, but I've been noticing this pattern.
I have to tell myself sometimes that not everyone will cherish me like I do them and right now I am sick of dealing with any relationships because it always feels like I'm the only one who cares and everyone else is doing the bare minimum. I get proven time and time again that they don't love me like I do them and now I'm just done with it all. I'm tired of getting hurt.
I have had past female friends that do this and it is very degrading to the person being manipulated & insulted as a test. Why would you want someone around who is okay with being disrespected anyways? Seems like a lack of self respect to tolerate being picked on, fought with or name called. Emotionally healthy people put a limit on what they tolerate, so essentially you are creating abandonment by the right kind of people and settling for subpar relationships. 😅
It's crazy because my old best friend used to do this to me, an old lover, Godmother, and an old pastor. Of course those relationships dissolved. Plot twist, I realized not too long ago that I've been doing this to my new romantic partner! 😫🥺 It most definitely stems from the trauma I attributed from those past relationships. Thank God for therapy and self awareness, as well as my partner's patience. 🥰😍
I did this countless times with the love of my life. Eventually people are rightfully exhausted & stop fighting. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. Just didn’t even realize or know what I was doing at the time. Tough lesson to learn.
I once heard when people argue it's because their hearts are longing to be closer . Instead of arguing try taking a step in that direction it works for me
I'm genuinely so lucky that my partner wouldn't let me do this. She set strong boundaries from the beginning. She would help me as long as I was doing my part in trying to get better. I feel like a much healthier person, and we've been together 8 years now.
Fear of abandonment needs to be reworded. Its "too comfortable with the thought of being abandoned". And this is someone who has major anxiety of being abandonded. Im 23 now and have ended all my relationships because its more comfortable reinforcing the narrative of abandonment than hoping someone might stay.
This is how i feel internally. But ive gotten really good at keeping my emotions and thoughts bottled inside out of fear that i might bother or hurt someone close to me. So while im having a meltdown and negative thoughts on the inside, everything seems normal to everyone else
Even though i have disorganized att. I hate it when people create unnecessary drama (like my mom) and it either leaves me cold or i explode myself. I love calm places and relaxing is important to me. If someone else would behave like that in this example video I would just leave.
He did this and when I reassured that I’m not leaving and I will love him no matter what next thing he broke up with me and now he has his closure and I’m the one left behind with a pain im incapable of handle while he found someone else and living his life
I grew up in a four person home: my grandma, my mom, my sister, me. I was the youngest. They all dealt with abandonment issues this way. Finally processing the resentment I realized I have when I was bending over backwards to accommodate their abandonment stuff and realized there was zero care or concern for my own relational needs.
I have a friend that I’m letting go because of this, I fill her cup but she doesn’t fill mine at all, it triggers my feelings of abandonment, I’m always doing work to not push people away but it’s like I’m second guessing myself with her, there’s no feeling of reciprocity with her; letting go is so hard for me, it’s like I’m the one abandoning her (people in general).
I have all the issues displayed in these videos…all of them! But I’m working so hard to heal. I’m three years into grueling therapy and I’ve come so far. I have still so far to go…
About two months ago, my husband said, "im just not going to fight with you anymore." And he hasn't. It's been amazing. Took 7 years for him to realize we dont have to fight about anything. Turns out he can just say how he feels and what he's thinking.
This is art and i am soooo grateful videos with this knowledge and visdom exist. Eventhough i understand that not everyone will take it in, igs beautiful that it is acsesable
God I love these shorts, they help me understand how and why I do what I do. This perspective leads me deeper into my shadow and I can find more of the fractured parts of myself to become more whole and healthy.. one video at a time! 😁
This is one of the most effective ways to get your Partner to leave, if you want people to be their through thick & thin be Kind, Attentive, Patient & Honest. Cruelty, Unearned doubt, Hostility & indifference will Needlessy grant You what you're terrified of & could of been avoided.
My mother and me : / it’s really hard. I’m not emotionally healthy and have a hard time setting boundaries…any time I try I’m riddled with horrible guilt.
7 months in and all the sudden I “feel like something is wrong” and hyper fixated on anything just to prove that gut feeling is right but this is the first healthy relationship I’ve been in, nothing is wrong and thats new for me…I go to therapy so I am doing the work just can’t wait for these periods of fear to go away
I used to do this. Now, i tell my partner that I'm feeling unsafe in my own head because of my trauma, and let him know that it's nothing to do with him or us. That gives him the chance to be empathetic (and he is) and show me that it's ok to have these feelings, no one is going to punish me for feeling anymore, and that he's a safe person to go to when i need love and support.
It only took me until age 45 to do this.
I finally found such as THAT. With Us it flows both ways as we BOTH have this protection spell but together we lean into each other and extend each other's shield.
I am in tears...I am your age and learning this with my love...thank you for sharing. Peace be with you.
I love that!❤ You DID do it! Forget the age.
😮
at least you got there! 45 is young :)
Haa! That's the perfect shirt for this skit! 🌵😅
I need that shirt 😂
Right? I came here to say that 😄
Yes❤
😅❤cactus shirt
Thanks for pointing that out! Love it
accepting that a partner might leave you (for one reason or the other, the 0 risk does not exist ) and realizing that if that happens you will always be able to care of yourself and eventually move on, might be liberating
The inner child inside can rely on the adult you since his survival no longer depends on other adults
Very insightful; thanks for your post.
Beautiful
True, but i think the problem is that you do not attach yourself to people because you know that the rejection or them leaving is gonna happen eventually. So yoou keep some distance because it helps you feel safer.
Self sabotaging behavior is common in insecure people.
Don't healthy individuals feel insecure ever to self sabotage?
@@farihashamim6860 no, I like my life and I try to improve on myself every day to prevent catastrophes from occuring. I'd never want to harm relationships that I've tried so hard to build or ruin job opportunities that may come from just getting to know people. My husband is my best friend and I keep my friend group small so we get along always. We respect differences and try to challenge each other to do better. There's nothing I want in life, and I have everything I need. I'm very confident and secure and I'm always seeking out reasons and answers. I question everything. I think when you have a growth mindset, there's no need to sabotage anything. If i don't like something; I try to change it or move on.
Why make something worse, or make life harder than it has to be?
Secure people rarely feel insecure. I know if I'm feeling insecure, I change and learn what made me feel that way so I don't feel insecure again. I rise to meet challenges.
@@farihashamim6860everyone feels insecure at some point. Being healthy doesn’t mean you’re healthy 100% of every moment. Life happens.
@@farihashamim6860They do, but at a much lower degree of intensity & frequency, and they’re resilient enough to seek healthier solutions and able to carry them out
Or people who always lose the people who love the most it could be for dead or cheating or because they eventually found their tribes. For me is not insecurities is people get tired of losing
My husband Every so often reassures me I'm stuck with him.
These meta conversations in action are SOOOOOOO incredibly helpful for understanding. Thank you for the work you're doing to share this information ❤️
Seriously! This helped me see that becoming a loner in school was because of this!
People can’t leave if I don’t let them get close.
I had to walk away from a man like this despite loving him deeply
I am with one now and it has been almost 5yrs. I used to have an anxious attachment style but I have been working on myself and these situations are becoming harder and harder to deal with. Despite loving him so deeply.
Just remember that this isn’t meant to be hurtful. You can also communicate back to dig and find more information. People who do this often feel like they are not supported in their relationships or that their partner doesn’t really care about them. It’s far different than being manipulative and using emotions and hurt to shift blame onto you for their pain.
@@ts1331tsBut it hurts and blame game and blocking and neglect and ignorance. Learning to see deeper
@@TheRiannaMarieYes, it sucks all the energy and looks like a child's play, although energetically you can feel the feelings and how it is in reality. Maybe prayers, talking out could help, if you could talk with him calmly about sensitive topics. He asked recently, how to trust..
I both hate and love that all of the videos that pop up for me have clarified all of the traumas I have. Each one is right on the nose.
My ex did this. I told him that I knew what he was doing and that his tests were just making it worse. I told him that the more he validates his fears, the stronger they get and he'll never be happy and that eventually he actually will push me away. Well one day he pushed it too far and we broke up. We were together for a year. A year of trying to make my partner (who REFUSED therapy even though he has INTENSE trauma) feel safe and loved and understood no matter how hard or often he pushed. Well eventually I broke. And I'm better off for it. And before people think I was too harsh on him and should have waited it out, let me ask you this: why do I need to be his therapist? Why do I need to put in all of the emotional labour? Why do I need to constantly have those conversations in order to feel sane? Why do I need to do that? Put myself through that? I did wait it out. For a year I waited it out. And it just got worse. Why? Not because I made him feel bad about it. Not because I scolded him. Not because I made him feel rejected in any way. I worked so hard to do the exact OPPOSITE! No. The reason it got worse was because he refused to get help and address the route of the problem. I am not anyone's therapist. And I refuse to help anyone who won't help themselves.
& unfortunately you are quite right my dear very wise words
he was not able at that time to face enormity of his fears
that’s not a weakness either it’s a safety mechanism he’s not in any good place to help himself but one day he’ll be ..
so I guess love can also mean that you have to walk away & not look back becoz that part is not your journey it’s theirs..
😢
if you do not attach a seatbelt
onto yourself first you’re in no
position to be responsible for trusting yourself to be of best situation hat you can be when you burn out its two burnt out both of you have no help at all & U best acknowledge before
anyone else love yourself 1st!!
Nah, I don't think you were too hard; you'd have lived a miserable life and people would've bIamed you for not leaving. I left a relationship before it started for this very thing and trust me, it turned out to be a VERY good thing.
Oh I don't judge you for that at all. I applaud you. If he wasn't willing to do the work in therapy, you would've been playing that game for the rest of your life. Ok if you like that dysfunctional game, but since you didn't (I wouldn't have, either), you did yourself AND him both a favor. ❤
ha ha the cactus hugs shirt is the perfect detail to this video 😂
Exactly🤩
Self fulfilling prophecy. If it's not happening they will engineer it so the other person backs out.
They will become more and more testing. It’s not okay anymore. This is abuse
I had a doctor tell me that the reason I pushed people away was an abandonment issue. I left them before they could leave me. A survival tactic.
This is me to a T. Sad. I push and cut off friendships and relationships due to my fearful avoidant attachment style. I always believed people will leave me, so I ways to leave so I'm in control. They didn't leave me. I left them. Which then reinforced the belief that no one stays.
???
Yep, pegged me as a fearful avoidant too. This hit too close to home but I never saw it as an abandonment wound
And eventually you find someone who understands... I, myself have been deep in my own healing work, when I met her. She had that kind of pattern, it was tough, but we managed to get through it, because knowledge is key. We've been friends for years now and when she pulls away, I give her space, because I know, it's not about me, she needs to reconnect with herself, to finally connect with me again. ❤
@@luzleona33love so much that you sense when she's pulling away and you give her that space instead of getting super clingy, you know it's her needing to take that space in order to find her and then you - it sounds complicated but whatever I just Love that you're understanding and supportive(even when supportive = backing off and not feeling bad about the space or insecure about the space and knowing what's up and not making her feel guilty or shamed or obligated when she does come back to you after getting right with herself)❤
@@FrankleeAstar Thank you so much for your kind words. It's uncomfortable from time to time, because my abandonment wound gets reactivated as well, when she pulls away, right now it's actually a bit challenging. But I know the pattern so well, she shows herself to me in all her vulnerability and then she disappears for a while... I know a big part of her history, it all makes sense to me, why she is doing that. The challenge for me, is to stay calm and balanced and not get my fears run all over me.
We all have abandonment issues to some extent. What I have learned is can I be ok with me , can I be my own best friend. I have also learned its not my job, responsibility to have to prove myself to the person doing the testing. It's on them to feel safe in the world. Otherwise its a relationship of 2 wounded souls not a shared journey of 2 individuals.
infinite love and gratitude
Well said
Thank You for explaining how that works. I dated someone like that years ago and it was exhausting. We all have issues but that was unbearable.
No matter how much you assure rhe person, they still create drama.
I am dealing with someone Like that for 10 years and Im Just so tired.
Could you perhaps explain what exactly is so tiring? I don't fully understand how exactly this sort of thing affects those who deal with it.
@@devariojohns watch the video again undistracted. Listen closely. Basically what she described becomes a perpetual drama. The person needs constant assurance yet they do things to make you want to end the relationship...... sometimes extremely disruptive and embarrassing things. Everything for attention and assurance. Then they're sorry and don't want it to end.
That kind of perpetual drama affects every aspect of your life.
@ceilconstante640 I suppose I can see how that would be exhausting, but the opposite is also true. If they focus on doing everything right because they fear being abandoned, they will burn themselves out in an attempt to show you they matter, and if you tell them to relax, they start to feel like you don't need them and will see it as them being "fired" from the relationship because they don't do enough. By saying this is tiring, we are confirming the beliefs of someone who can do no good on either end (at least they believe they cant.) How does a person like that heal?
@@devariojohns How someone Like that can heal? At least Not from the confirmation of Others. Their Cup has a hole. You cant fill it. You cant give them what they need and they are responsible to Work on that. Also that Someone is ill or is suffering and isnt trying to Hurt Others on purpose doesnt mean it doesnt Hurt or makes it less exhausting. You can Wish someone the best and Love them and still cant handle being with them.
I had the same abandonment issue 6 months into my relationship but instead of pushing him away I constantly believed that everything was the end of the relationship coming. He helped me work on it and now we live together and just celebrated year 4 of the relationship.
30 years ago I had a friend who told me she carried this fear and she knew she pushed people away.
This was a warning bcuz she had zero intention of changing. And bcuz of her i learned to hear and believe what people said. (Where did women, or HOW did women develop the mindset we can change people? Where did that come from? I had it and can’t figure out what made me think that way).
Lastly with this same friend who had also told me she liked taking people down a peg or 2, or ie take the wind out of their sales (and i was unaware i was a holier than thou judgmental friend….) anyhow after I grew and became aware of that and the concept of codependency via the awesome definitive book: CODEPENDENT NO MORE, by Melody Beatty(?)
I shared with my friend that being treated sarcastically and neg criticizing wasn’t ok. And the same went for my own behavior. And we had been wonderful friends when all was well, but it was horrid when it went sour. Also we were both spiritual seekers into the same slant on life. So I thought she would be open to this. She wasn’t. I can remember her words to this day, “well I’m not going to change” spoken with utter indifference. So I said goodbye.
Helpful 😊thank you
Glad you left. People change only when they decide to change for themselves.
“If you’re emotionally healthy then you’ll want to leave or set a boundary because I’m not actually communicating with you.” I am in this situation. We eventually get to communicate, but it happens enough that I am getting stressed out in a bad way. There is also dysregulation in the form of anger and yelling that I get really uncomfortable with. I am not 100% emotionally healthy but I try to take care of my own needs and be supportive and empathetic even when the anger is targeted at me. Because I know that’s not the intention. However, I can feel it wearing on my self esteem and feelings of safety. I can’t imagine ending a relationship with someone I love who I know is also struggling and hurting. I feel I’ve been running a marathon and there is light at the end of the tunnel but I’m running out of strength and stamina. I’m afraid to let him down and also reinforce his fears of abandonment. I don’t know how I could possibly be honest about my feelings without hurting him and reinforcing his fears. I’ve noticed myself faking how I feel to remain calm and supportive when Im getting yelled out. It helps to keep the focus on him and validate what he is feeling but then, I start to appreciate our relationship less, because I don’t get to feel safe. I’m uncomfortable in the relationship right now and not sure what to do. It’s really hard when you realize that being in a relationship is too hard to handle, that taking care of myself means I have to give up on it.
Your feelings matter in a relationship. It's not all about one person in a relationship. People can change only if they decide to change.
I’ve had a very difficult time with a person like that and it’s quite tiring
No matter how much I tried to help and talk it was never working
It was always me trying my best to keep them happy and eventually I lost myself trying to please someone who couldn’t even understand or see what’s happening
I am no longer communicating with that person and I feel better
It’s all about taking care of yourself and wanting the best for yourself… that’s my lesson.
It’s never enough for them because that’s what they project onto the other person. They can’t control themselves. But are addicted to controlling others. It’s abusive behavior and it’s not healthy. I don’t understand these people anymore.
Good job
It's so hard to accept that you can't help people who aren't interested in being helped or getting better. You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
💔
Really good comment❤❤
I have abandonment issues caused by my abusive dad playing mind games with me and being manipulative--- either threatening to hurt the pets I had, or if I said anything that he deemed offensive to him he'd take me somewhere and tell me that was my new home and would make me get out the car and he'd drive away and come back 15-20 minutes later. He'd try to buy my love every time he did this to me. I hate that everyone in My life saw what was happening but they did nothing and it almost made me believe that what I was experiencing was normal. I now, as an adult, have severe anxiety at the thought of commiting to any relationship, whether it be romantic or friendship. Really anything that involves emotional or physical commitment. I recently started to nip the bid of any possible relationship forming because I just can't deal with the possibility of being treated horribly.
You do a great job exemplifying different psychological issues! Thank you! You are doing a great service.❤
I attract partners like this. The avoidants. I had an anxious attachment style but have been working on it for the last fews years (while being in a relationship with an avoidant type.) We are almost 5yrs in and it has been an interesting road. I do feel I am more willing to change and grow and blossom than they are. They could care less. Or at least that's how they make it seem and what they say. I am becoming more emotionally healthy and able to take a step back and look at how ridiculous these situations can be, I have been setting firm boundaries. As I continue to do so, it gets harder and harder to deal with these situations.
Yep, I even do it to my friendships. I have no friends because of it. I even self sabotage my jobs with co workers. I attracted partners who had abandoned issues too. I'm glad I'm aware of it now and apologize to the people who I did hurt and except not everyone will forgive me and that's ok. ❤
That’s nice that you’re aware. Ex destroyed our marriage with no remorse exactly like this and I left with the future plan to never talk to him again.
Can you give me some examples of how you test people?
Same here. It is really lonely. I am convinced that my action to abandon first had to be right because if the person cared they would try to talk and find out what is going on.
@@debbiewilder4738ghosting is my go to
This is so exhausting! I'm glad there is content out there to help.
If you're someone who does this, or is in any kind of relationship with someone who does this, then learning DBT skills can be super helpful!
Love the T-shirt 😅
Thank u i do this. I shall look up dbt skills
Oooooo I do this with everybody, deep inside I "know" people will leave, so I have impossible expectations thst of course are never fulfilled and then I leave the relationship / friendship "knowing" that i was right.
Thank you for these videos, I am currently reading Be The Love You Seek and it is AMAZING. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Well of course, healthy people will leave if you keep messing with them. Is that not logical. So do you really want them to leave?
Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to know that setting a boundary and/or wanting to leave means that I’m emotionally healthy. I’ve been on the other side of the coin before and everything’s so different from what I could’ve ever imagined on the other side ❤
Just had a guy do this me. I got fed up when he tried to pick a fight, via text, over soy on Thanksgiving day 🙄pick your battles people. You dont want the straw that broke the camel's back to be over a soy conversation.
So guilty of this. Poor guys is terribly confused I'm sure. The first step is to catch it, but stopping the behavior not quite as easy.
What are some things you do to test them?
Yep, it's a mechanism and unfortunately works accurately like a Swiss watch.
It is so frustrating to be on the receiving end of this... feels very helpless. And I want it so badly not to happen. Eventually, my trauma over being manipulated kicks in, and things go downhill fast leading to lack of trust and separation. Heartbreaking.
So true. Isn’t it strange how the mind works in such an opposite way than it should. But it’s “what is.” We get abandoned as children and have these huge trauma wounds that we carry into adulthood that screw up our lives even worse. If it wasn’t for UA-cam I never would’ve become aware of what was fundamentally wrong with me my whole life; that’s after numerous mental health care professionals, misdiagnosis, and medications. It’s called complex post traumatic stress disorder. That’s why the woman in the video behaves the way she does over abandonment issues. Unfortunately, the mental health field doesn’t have CPTSD in their DSM-5 yet so it can’t be considered a real diagnosis. Thank God there are videos like this that spread awareness about how these things affect us. Then after we realize the damage that was done to us, WE have to do the arduous work of healing ourselves or our lives will never get any better. Great, isn’t it? 😢❤
😢
Everything you said is exactly my experience. If it hadn't been for YT, I never would have figured it out. Therapists were worthless. Lost a lot of money and time. I do not know how to do the healing. YT isn't so strong on that and probably can't be. Finding a therapist with knowledge and integrity is next to impossible. They will say they know how to treat CPTSD, but it quickly becomes obvious that they don't. The never discuss childhood!! That is a powerful clue.
So accurate. Describes what I do though often I choose avoidant and so we both push others away Thank you for your great content. .
😵💫🥺mee too 💩🤯🫨🕊️💖
Very relatable! Thanks for sharing!❤
I push people away to feel the pain over and over again. I lost my family because of this and anger about the past and present with my “mom”.
Why did you write mom in quotes?
@@skubydubydu cause I don’t consider her my real mother. I see her more as my enemy more then my mother
it can be very frustrating dealing with this type of person
I have abandonment trauma and I don’t do this. Thank God 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽. My mom does though, which is whom I have the abandonment trauma from. I would love to see more examples of this type of trauma.
I'm so glad I'm aware of this now, because I definitely see it in myself and I found it helps to find someone who's a good communicator, listens, and is kind. But working on myself is the most important part to stopping this self sabotaging cycle. It's exhausting.
Please find a good therapist to guide you through the process. You shouldn't be alone. Good luck!
I think it potentially also comes from the fact that children themselves when they constantly feel abandoned and not understood that they'll push the limits within your adult until that they get proof that this adult is emotionally safe, so this might carry on into adult hood with other adults. Where there will do things that will bother the other adult. But if the other adult doesn't seem to treat them any differently even when this mostly mature adult does immature things then emotionally mature adult will feel like they could eventually be calm again and relaxed cause. They won't be randomly abandoned when they really truly feel a big emotion and when leaving that Would be really terrible for them
That's totally me. I lost a lot of friendships because of massive abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. It's still a lot of work before I get that sorted, if ever.
How does one change this? I've discovered that I'm so afraid to share myself that I just don't, and then I also sabotage my relationships because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
not a therapist but have been there myself. I used CBT to look for the evidence about whether people liked me. Then, when I got scared, I dared myself to actively lean into the discomfort for as long as I could (telling the person was helpful as it helped me feel accountable and also meant they could see that I was trying to break the pattern). It changed my life for the better. Strongly recommend Sam Dylan Finch's blog about "who do you cancel on"
If you can't afford a therapist (or the "great" free health care system of Sweden fails you lol)..
First of all, be ready to get hurt. It seems like it's not possible to accept.
But unfortunately, we will get hurt sooner or later in life, bigger or smaller.
We have to know that it can and will happen, and that we WILL be OK with it when it happens. - But our issues will certainly make it happen more soon and more often because we push them away in all sorts of ways when they actually want us.
It is much harder to look back and know that we fucked all our relationships up ourselves, rather than it being a natural course. :/
Secondly, read and study articles, books, and/or watch longer videos about BPD.
Write down the behaviors you feel that you do. Try to remember them or go back and read your notes.
Start working on the things you feel are easier than other behaviors and to stop doing it, or do less. Either in frequency or in magnitude.
Ex. about getting really angry/frustrated(hurt/sad) - take one moment and think it through. COMMUNICATE and say you need some space to think/calm down/cool off.
If you have stable/good friends you can tell them (verbally or text them) about your fears, or if they are used to the behaviors, tell them that you don't want to, are aware and are working on them (and need support).
When you are aware of what you do and why, you can work on it.
I'm quite far on the path to getting better at handling this. I still get all the emotions of fear and wanting to push people away "before they do it". - And I have great stable friends who I know love me. But it still doesn't feel like it sometimes.
So I have to pause a lot. Let my feelings get less intense.
I want to talk to them about what it was that got me scared, but I still can't open up - about anything.
But I can barely talk about my inner self/feelings. That step is the hardest. Even though I know they would listen and support me 100%.
It makes me vulnerable and I can't be that yet.
But what I can do is act different.
Either way, for me, the biggest help to myself/my relationships yet is to NOT act on my feelings immediately, when it feels the most intense.
Sorry that my tips isn't complete and a mess, it's 3AM here and I was just about to go to sleep when I read your comment and wanted to share some of my tips that workes for me.
I’m in the same boat honestly
Well, that one stepped on my toes just a little too much! 😳
Narcissists do this ALOT
Its terrible for the partner and the Narcissist 😢
I do this all the time actually. Sometimes I will even subtly insult the person in order to push them away. It seems that if they pass the test and stick with me it's because then, they are safe to trust. It's very automatic though, but I've been noticing this pattern.
Same here
I have to tell myself sometimes that not everyone will cherish me like I do them and right now I am sick of dealing with any relationships because it always feels like I'm the only one who cares and everyone else is doing the bare minimum. I get proven time and time again that they don't love me like I do them and now I'm just done with it all. I'm tired of getting hurt.
I have had past female friends that do this and it is very degrading to the person being manipulated & insulted as a test. Why would you want someone around who is okay with being disrespected anyways? Seems like a lack of self respect to tolerate being picked on, fought with or name called. Emotionally healthy people put a limit on what they tolerate, so essentially you are creating abandonment by the right kind of people and settling for subpar relationships. 😅
This is toxic and something to work on
@@pgakt for sure
It's crazy because my old best friend used to do this to me, an old lover, Godmother, and an old pastor. Of course those relationships dissolved.
Plot twist, I realized not too long ago that I've been doing this to my new romantic partner! 😫🥺 It most definitely stems from the trauma I attributed from those past relationships. Thank God for therapy and self awareness, as well as my partner's patience. 🥰😍
How do we fix the abandonedment wound?
Have you seen two people with abandonment issues being in a healthy relationship?
Damn, you two are sooooo good with these!
“Leave before you get left!” That was my motto with both abandonment and betrayal trauma, it’s taken work but I no longer act that way 🥰
When I say "I'm alone, I don't have anyone "it's true. 😩😬🙏🏽
WHOA.... thank you for helping me understand my mom 😮
I love her T shirt. Its so fitting for the scenario.
I just love these scenarios. It makes it easier to understand the hidden motives.
Such, such, such great great videos
I did this countless times with the love of my life. Eventually people are rightfully exhausted & stop fighting. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. Just didn’t even realize or know what I was doing at the time. Tough lesson to learn.
That "you're onto me" line had me chuckling 🤭🙃
I once heard when people argue it's because their hearts are longing to be closer . Instead of arguing try taking a step in that direction it works for me
“I really want you to fight for me.” OOF, that hits.
I'm genuinely so lucky that my partner wouldn't let me do this. She set strong boundaries from the beginning. She would help me as long as I was doing my part in trying to get better. I feel like a much healthier person, and we've been together 8 years now.
Fear of abandonment needs to be reworded. Its "too comfortable with the thought of being abandoned". And this is someone who has major anxiety of being abandonded. Im 23 now and have ended all my relationships because its more comfortable reinforcing the narrative of abandonment than hoping someone might stay.
Communication, communication, COMMUNICATION!! Followed ny healthy boundaries.
Dear Nicole, that was absolutely precise. You are very clever. Thank you very much for all your work and for understanding us! 👍❤
This is how i feel internally. But ive gotten really good at keeping my emotions and thoughts bottled inside out of fear that i might bother or hurt someone close to me. So while im having a meltdown and negative thoughts on the inside, everything seems normal to everyone else
BPD is torment on the mind.. thank you for sharing
It's like a reassurance test. Reassure me well enough, enough times, and only then I will feel safe enough to calm down.
Thank you for articulating these experiences and holding a mirror up for us. Wishing you peace and joy in the new year!
Even though i have disorganized att. I hate it when people create unnecessary drama (like my mom) and it either leaves me cold or i explode myself. I love calm places and relaxing is important to me. If someone else would behave like that in this example video I would just leave.
Been on both sides of this
Having friends with abandonment issues they didn’t deal with encouraged me to get help for my own
I suddenly have insight into one of my children. I hope it helps me build a better relationship.
Children do that a lot especially orphans when they get adopted.
Thanks for sharing your wonderful advice its so helpful ❤❤❤❤❤❤
He did this and when I reassured that I’m not leaving and I will love him no matter what next thing he broke up with me and now he has his closure and I’m the one left behind with a pain im incapable of handle while he found someone else and living his life
Ma’am it must be exhausting acting out all my behaviors… I know it’s sure exhausting doing them 🤯
It’s like you’re reading a transcript directly from my brain. You are brilliant!
I grew up in a four person home: my grandma, my mom, my sister, me. I was the youngest. They all dealt with abandonment issues this way. Finally processing the resentment I realized I have when I was bending over backwards to accommodate their abandonment stuff and realized there was zero care or concern for my own relational needs.
This hit home for me. Inhave CPTSD and was raised in an alcoholic home. I think i can relate here.
That shirt though oh my gosh hilarious so on point
I love you videos. Your technique here is 100% more effective at modeling and teaching then simple narrative. Thank you🎉
haha the t-shirt is perfect for this, too.
This is helpful information for so many people!! Bless you for sharing your knowledge and experience with trauma issues
I have a friend that I’m letting go because of this, I fill her cup but she doesn’t fill mine at all, it triggers my feelings of abandonment, I’m always doing work to not push people away but it’s like I’m second guessing myself with her, there’s no feeling of reciprocity with her; letting go is so hard for me, it’s like I’m the one abandoning her (people in general).
I have been learning a lot from your videos. Thank you. 😊
I have all the issues displayed in these videos…all of them! But I’m working so hard to heal. I’m three years into grueling therapy and I’ve come so far. I have still so far to go…
These videos always got me like “oh so that’s wtf is wrong with me lol”
About two months ago, my husband said, "im just not going to fight with you anymore." And he hasn't. It's been amazing. Took 7 years for him to realize we dont have to fight about anything. Turns out he can just say how he feels and what he's thinking.
This is art and i am soooo grateful videos with this knowledge and visdom exist. Eventhough i understand that not everyone will take it in, igs beautiful that it is acsesable
I thought I got over this with my husband but now I’m pregnant, and the fear of abandonment is kicking in again
God I love these shorts, they help me understand how and why I do what I do. This perspective leads me deeper into my shadow and I can find more of the fractured parts of myself to become more whole and healthy.. one video at a time! 😁
I love the tank top! 😍🤣 and this example! Thank you! 💛🚀
self fulfilling behaviors. It gives the illusion of control.
Is THAT why they do it? The tormenting of someone they "love"
I think your videos are great. Spot on.
I think the verbalization of feelings and behavior patterns can be really helpful.
I didn't need you to call out my BPD like that 💀
This is one of the most effective ways to get your Partner to leave, if you want people to be their through thick & thin be Kind, Attentive, Patient & Honest. Cruelty, Unearned doubt, Hostility & indifference will Needlessy grant You what you're terrified of & could of been avoided.
Looking forward to the follow up video about what to do about it 👍
Youch got me right in the gizzards
My mother and me : / it’s really hard. I’m not emotionally healthy and have a hard time setting boundaries…any time I try I’m riddled with horrible guilt.
7 months in and all the sudden I “feel like something is wrong” and hyper fixated on anything just to prove that gut feeling is right but this is the first healthy relationship I’ve been in, nothing is wrong and thats new for me…I go to therapy so I am doing the work just can’t wait for these periods of fear to go away
Same here.
😂😂😂that got deep at the end
Resonates 💯 with my old 3D self. 5D I don’t worry about 3D BS! Love GOD TRUST ❤☮️💯
The look at the end had me 😅
It may be exhausting, but it's more exhausting to be betrayed all the time. 🤷🏼♀️