How to Talk to Your PDA Kid, Tips for Adults too! | Pathological Demand Avoidance profile of Autism
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- Опубліковано 27 вер 2024
- Let's talk about what PDA is and steps on how to overcome it. Sometimes it's easier than other times. Either way, Pathological Demand Avoidance is just as hard on an Autistic person as it is the loved ones who don't understand why we struggle to do things, even when we want to do them.
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Providing choices and reasons is something I never received as a child. Thanks to people like you sharing these truths - we all have the opportunity to “level up” our parenting. It’s worth the effort 👏🏼
😊 Thank you!
I'm kind of literal. If somebody asked "can you empty the dish washer" I would say yes. But, I would not do it because the person was asking if I was able to and I am perfectly capable of doing that task. I do not come to any conclusions concerning that task needing to be done. If the job needs to be done, asking "will you empty the dish washer" might get it done at some point in the not to distant future. I would put it on my list of things needing to be done. If the job needs to be done now, direction must be given... as in "Empty the dish washer." A "please" is helpful in that situation. Point to be had is that I do not "read between the lines" and automatically understand that a person wants something. Asking me to do the thing needs to be direct. If you ask me if I can do it, my brain starts working out the details around my ability. I do not process the hint that I should actually do it.
Wow. Thanks for sharing. I’m going to listen again with my wife tonight. We found out about PDA a week ago and matches one of our kids 100%
PDA is so hard. I've also noticed it gets way worse when I'm disregulated. Thankful my experience and sharing can help.
Wow sleeping in the cloth is amazing idea... I was never allowed to do that but that really makes things easier. Now I sleep in my only cloth I actually have and don't even wanna go out in society but this is another subject.
I did this with my son (sleep in his next day clothes) when he was younger. Now, teen years are a whole other plan, still in the works. Availability of Wi-Fi and no smart phone just a flip phone (we had trouble with bullying and inappropriate social media interactions) seem to be good rewards to earn, and some spending money.
I'm pretty sure I've got PDA . If my husband asks me to do something directly, i get really offended lol! My kids are both autistic, and i definitely struggle with asking them to do things! It takes me a few minutes to get over myself and do something that the kids ask me to do for them also. I appreciate videos like this, great job!
You're welcome. PDA really is tricky! But for me, it'd easier if I can get my nervous system more regulated. Navigating parenthood as an Autistic rasing autistic kids is it's own brand of complicated!
This is such an important and needed content! Wow, I'm so glad I found you. Subscribing right now. Thank you so much for connecting to the trauma response, and breaking down that response. I love neuroscience. -- Educator & fellow brain disorder'ed person
Also- I love how you balance the right to say no while also holding that sometimes there are better ways to say no. I was poor at and still struggle with softly saying no. My mom tells me, a grown adult that clearly still needs this lesson, to "couch my no's." Which is great advice, but just makes me think of a giant nose on a couch.
❤️ I'm so glad you found the video helpful and relatable. 😊
I think that I am more PDA to my own demands than other people's. Unless I think that they are making an unreasonable demand.
I understand this, that internal demand feeling can be so strong for me too
I see a lot of people in the comments having PDA with strict childhood experience from family. (and i didn’t know you can get a diagnose for this.) In my family it’s sort of different, because my mom is also super PDA (rebellion if using her own word)😂 and she refuses to be a mom when anyone expect her to do so, but still takes care of me when there’s no one to comment her. And through out my childhood she just constantly complains about how mad she feels when anyone ask her to do anything. Like my dad doesn’t feel scissors on the floor is unsafe, so asked my mom to pick it up after she used it. And my mom got really mad at it, because she says she just doesn’t want to follow others’ rules. I also get mad when other people tell me that I’m doing something right, because it would feel like I’m doing something based on their expectation, and that deeply annoys me. So my parents are also very confused about that because they want to praise me, but I get mad at them. It can be chaotic even without strict family environment.
When I was a kid, my mom made a rule for me to never ask "why" questions.
she ordered me to do a lot of things without explaining why I had to do them.
She was, in many ways, a terrible parent.
THANK YOU so much for the advice and for putting in the effort to make this video. This has been very helpful and I really appreciate it very much!
Glad it's helpful!
those harmful stims and re-directing would be a good topic. they keep morphing and coming back. I crack knuckles and joints and pick anything pickable. 😅
I adore the PDA book not reading club.
Good idea on the video topic, thank you!
Recently I have learned that snapping helps me but it produces noise which can be problematic sometimes. Its awkward to be snapping because I am nervous or impatient and trying not to bite my nails or pop my wrists. Snapping uses my hands so it can keep me from biting my nails and the noise is somewhat similar to the pops from my joints, at least similar enough to be a substitute considering how much noises blend into each other for me.
My friend got a stim bracelet to help with skin picking. She said that the bracelet helps her.
You were so smart about the bedtime rituals! As a mom with a neurodivergent kid and also a teacher of special needs, you rock!
Something that works or me as someone who is AUHD, and has PDA, with a PDA six year old daughter, is I listen to the audiobook along with the physical book in front of me, so it’s easier to focus and stay focused because a person is reading it along with me, I also set either a half hour or hour long timer, start with 20 mins if that’s too daunting, to help me get around avoiding reading books I “want” to read lol. Bet you can’t try that!!!! lol 😂😅
Wow !!! PDA - would love to know if anyone late diagnosed had so many “behaviors” when very young that were likely PDA yet were just labeled as bratty or difficult and likely as an adult difficult and narcissistic ????
I never got labeled narcissistic, but I did get held that I was self-centered from time to time. Most of the time my mask trumped my PDA when I was a child but it would get triggered on occasion and when it did there was absolutely nothing in the world that would make me do what those adults were trying to get me to do. But because I was such a "good girl" most of the time, the adults would usually just back down and say that I was having a bad day.
I was recently diagnosed autistic at age 60, and now that I know about PDA and what it is, I can totally see that I've been dealing with it all my life! My mother was not the type to ever want to explain "why" she wanted me to do something, and her demand was always for me to do it right at that moment. Needless to say, this resulted in many arguments and meltdowns! I was the "difficult child" in the family, and unfortunately got punished alot.
You are an awesome mom i enjoyed listening to you
I rock back and forth, but my friend gave me a fidget which I now have with me everywhere.
Yeah, this "do you want to" or "can you" is still ingrained in my husband, he does that all the time to me. And I always need some time to process, so that I do not just say no, because I know he does not mean that. But by taking time to answer, it may happen that this is too long for him to wait. Sometimes he gets that he phrased it wrong, other times he just gets angry because I do not answer yes immediately. In the end, it is just annoying to me that he still asks those questions and makes answering harder for me, he just does not really get it, that it also makes his life harder as well.
"Do you want to empty the dishwasher?" - NO
"Can you empty the dishwasher?" Technically, yes, I am able to do that.
"Well then, will you do it?" In order to answer that, I need more info. Like, when, in what timeframe?
"Like, right now, while I get the kids into bed" Oh, well... gee, my mind is somewhere else right now, I think that it is a bit too immediate for me. Maybe in the next few days?
--> I guess you can see where this is going. Exactly nowhere. Or rather: The Road of Frustration. It does not really help that I hate doing dishes and do not really like running the dishwasher.
I've noticed the nose touching thing myself. I mean, I do it when I'm biking around on my bicycle and I pass someone. Dogs lick their nose when they're nervous, and I'm wondering how related nose touching is now that I think about it..
I would also add: you can tell them a 2-options demand, like Would you like to do chore1 or chore2 ? There is autonomy but also one of your options is done 👍. Maybe also question like: Would you help me with....? could help or use opposite demand like: I bet you cannot do....something.
Good points! The challenge thing doesn't always work for me, but if it's a fun challenge then maybe
What if they say "neither" for the fact that it still feels like a demand. There is still lack of autonomy because there is no choice of whether they choose to do it or not...
As someone who recently realised I had Pathological Demand Avoidance, and having a child who is oppositionally defiant, it is difficult to get through.
I know what it is like not being told what to do by anyone (not even myself), then having to do the same as a parent?
@@fedoramcclaren4294 What about try to do "Lets learn this together" or take it as both of us do a half so the demand is not perceived as so big ?
@@tomasvoldrich
That sounds like a good idea, however, someone such as myself who goes through this will only see it as you are attempting to bribe me.
The task will get done, just not when you question me on it.
As a parent, it is pretty tough when discipline is part of the process...
We also dont have a bed time. i try to wake them (2) up at the same time, but i struggle because they both need to shower in the morning. so if the shower is occupied, one of them is going to strongly resist waking up.
So my question is: how do you wake a pda kid up?
For my own self, as an adult i’ve built in a multiple alarm system. So if I need to wake up at 6am, i’ll set a warning alarm for 5:30am so it wakes me up at 5:30 and lets my brain know hey! you don’t have to wake up just yet, but you will be waking up soon! And then i set an extra alarm at 6:10 bc that’s the last possible time i can sleep in until without being late to work.
Try a multiple wake up system, like a warning wake up, main wake up, 5 minute buffer?
I had a very heavy case of PDA as a kid, no was not a good answer to my parents.
Yeah, most people who are now adults who had PDA as a kid, it didn't go well. Autism was barely known about, much less PDA.
Also realized that “being an adult” just means being forced to and doing things whether you want to do them or not, lol.
first comment yay me
😅❤️
Doing everything except "the have-to-do" s. Getting constantly distracted. Thank you, Amanda, for helping me in my self-awareness. Giving me a language. PDA is a big problem for me.
Un-d/x 34 year old Mom here, at her wits end.
Both my husband and son exhibit these traits and honestly I do to, it just presents differently.
I do not feel seen or heard when trying to “manage” our home. I’m both expected to manage but also “fought against” by my kiddo and husband. While also struggling to “maintain order” within myself.
This video is helpful. Thank you.
Trying to add tools to my toolbox for my husband and son but also for my own mental sanctity.
"I cant task switch that quickly"
I wish people all around the world would understand this is a "cant" for autistics like myself.
Slowly, maybe. Quickly, omg NO!
Your children are so lucky to have you parenting them!! I'm PDA (still waiting for diagnosis, although getting closer) & my childhood was constantly triggering for me! I would be sent to bed & not be tired at all, so I would sit up reading. When my parents realised this, they started checking for light under my door & I'd be in trouble. So I started reading (when it was light enough) in the light from my window (I never had a torch to read under the covers). I feel like my childhood involved a lot of frustrated sneaking around & rule breaking, although I hated to be "naughty".
I can relate to this, now generally when other people ask me things I am fine so long as I understand why. Now if its a case where I cant infer why they want me to do something I will ask why and I need an answer or I can get argumentative without realizing, I would vastly prefer being told "I dont know" instead of "because I said so" as well.
Where I can really relate though are self demands, if I need to do something I need a day to prepare or just go right then. I cant do and errend or go shopping for necessities unless it is either spontaneous or planned the previous day, if I discover that there is an event or trip that I have the option to go on but I have to go two hours after I learn about it I cant, if something is optional but requires planning it is really hard to do even if I want to do it. It is really hard to explain accurately what I mean though, like if I am on my way home from work then I can go shopping easily but if I am at my home on my day off I cant, I can rarely get anything done on my days off because I cant leave my house easily.
Pervasive drive to autonomy
Both are acceptable
My interpretation of the autistic brain when a request is made of it:
RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
Our tranquility of repetition has been disrupted.
We must ascertain the reasoning for the disruption before task evaluation and routine absorption can be initiated.
We need a very fun series for PDA kid friendly kids UA-cam videos. so they don’t hear it from their parents.
My daughter shuts down or just fight response trying to help her understand her big feelings. My daughter is very angry ( using it as a social distraction) so I give up trying to mid-agate her burnout . let her know she’s not alone , she keeps saying “ am I a bad kid” after or randomly . the past . My daughter tells me to “shut up” alll the time!
Need more kid friendly videos for the children to feel understood and point out to us , what they relate to ❤thank u for your videos ! atpeaceparenting has been helpful for me to if any parent wants to check it out .
But don’t have understanding for the child that has PDA
The resources they can use usually comes better from a screen . Just a thought I would love to hear if anyone else has this experience?❤
Question, can you have your dog sleep in a different room than where you are recording these videos?
The snoring noises bothers me so much >.
Sorry, he is kind of always at my feet, he is most happy when he's right next to me. A lot of people adore his little snore noises. I've tried different mics but they all pick up his snores and my software isn't robust enough to pull out snore noises.
You can turn the sound down and read subtitles.
I didn’t hear it at all.