I just erased my comment because I thought ''nobody is going to care if they ever read this'', but I thought ''this is exactly why you need to counter it'', so to actually post it: I recently found out this is my attachment style and I have no doubts about it. And I know what messed me up - i'm a young woman and my dad was and is very emotionally abusive and neglectful, so, as a child and teenager I just learned to go to my room and not be with them (my mother enabled his behavior, but is a nurturing person herself, often the one who cared even a little about what frustrated me, although i had no tools to actually express myself). Being together with my family consisted of being told ''grow up, stop doing that'' when it was perfectly fine to be a child and play, and when I was in pain or needed emotional support, the caregiver would go ''you're just faking it'' or ''you're being ridiculous!'', so I avoided showing them any emotion or even telling them about what's going on in my life - because I knew I would just get hurt. I developed a mild depression when i was 13/14 and although I was never formally diagnosed, to this day I struggle with suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety over minor but negative events with my family because of never feeling like I was a part of ''them''. If any dad here is reading this, please, show your kids it's okay to have emotions and respond to them when they seek emotional support, this messed me up for the foreseeable future and I don't know if I'll ever be normal.
Omg, what you just did was a huge moment of healing for you! Amazing!!! This is a perfect example of a person taking their healing into their own hands and intuitively doing the most perfect thing to combat insecurity. Can I please share it with others and possibly even incorporate into my trainings or my book? The next step for you is to replace "any dad here" with an actual person in your real life and tell them to give you the space to have emotions and to respond with support. I'm going to share a family therapy moment that highlights exactly the same thing, once I edit the video, so please stay tuned for it and thanks again for overcoming your hesitation!
Hi, I'm actually shocked of the resemblance of this with my personal case. Though with some differences, I was raised mostly by my mother, she divorced my father when I was like 7 or 8. Since then my mother decided that in order to raise me well and strong, she would push me harder and demanding. I had a lot of social issues in school, i had almost no true friends and felt socially awkward all the time. I also was too different from the most common and popular kinds, very introverted and self locked. I also had suicidal thoughts between my 12 and 15 citing I didn't fit anywhere and I never discussed this with my mother believing she won't have an empathetic response. In my adulthood i strived for excellence. I became a software engineer and I almost got obsessed with certifications and knowing about everything. When my teammates look after me for guidance I feel realized and when I don't know about something I almost feel shame on me. I always had problems getting into a love relationship, now I have a lovely girlfriend who is kind, open, trustworthy and loyal. But sometimes, I think because of my avoiding issue, I feel disconnected with her, citing she is codependent while I feel very comfortable being alone. At the same time, I try to push her harder to improve. It's almost like if I'm trying to replicate my story. One side of me does not like these thoughts and feels I'm doing wrong hence I'm trying to understand myself and get over my avoidant behavior. I wish I would be able to find the correct way of thinking and working with her because I do love her and don't want us to fail.
I remember hearing Jerome Kagan talk about how the shy temperament children will always need gentle nudges to keep encouraging more engagement with the world. Keep pushing gently if you want more out of life!
I think that being introverted makes it more easy because there is a natural part of you that is content with being by yourself and you depend less on others
Me too. Seemed to have studied every bloody psychology subject and overlooked this. Now I know why I find it so hard to regularly call my sister or text message. Enjoying lockdown with my hound Eloi. Do you have a cat then? Caroline, 37, game hunter, Dingwall 🏴
It sounded funny when my parents told me how I never really cared who was around, just played on my own in the corner, and how I never really cried. Now I realized it's a sad story.
Damn I relate so much. I played by myself mostly. My parents didn't play with me much as a kid. My brother would always treat me badly so I played alone mostly. My parents did nothing about his actions also. Even though i'm 19 now I still am very similar. I prefer alone time mostly.
Same. Grew up in a very divided family, with mental health issues and other stuff. As a kid, I grew up learning things by myself, one of the people outside of family died when I was 8 and since then I can't seem to trust others. As well every time I needed help, I was either punished or tried to be "gaslightrd" but always told "when you grow up, you'll be the only one who'll take this family away". It's not until this year, Until I got diagnosed with slight depression, but then being told to cut off my therapy sessions so I wouldn't get sicker in their own words.
I cried. I'm 22, and the precocious, independent, stoic and emotionally neglected insecure achiever with no friends obsessed with external validation as a means of distraction, is the story of my life. I masked it over with achievements and for a period, humor. Everyone knew of me in school and got along with me but I wasn't truly friends with them. Even my report cards as a child would say "brilliant student but very shy." I walked outside after graduation to hug no one. Because I pushed everyone away through self-imposed isolation. If I waved at someone in the hallway and they didn't wave back I assumed they hated me instead of that they simply didn't see me and used that narrative as a basis for which to build walls around myself. I don't believe I'm worthy of being a friend or in a romantic relationship so I push opportunities away. I spent all 4 years of college just studying and I cry over the regret. I have a good esteem in my academic/career abilities but none in myself/appearance/social worth. Like he mentioned, I don't feel like my worth is based on my inherent humanity and therefore, do not deserve love. I've ruined so many opportunities.
Hello Bertha, how are you doing? I'm studying this attachment style in order to one day help others with insight on how to overcome it. Would be interested in sharing some glimpses on the subject? I was moved by someone I've met who struggles in relationships because of it and I came to realise I do want to help him and more people to overcome it. Let me know if you'd like to share your thoughts, I'd like to know what people have tried that worked for them and what others could do to help them bridge the gap socially
@@myfriendscallmek2745 Hi, I'm well thanks. I honestly don't know how to help someone with avoidant attachment -- if I knew I would have fixed myself lol. I think therapy for the person with this is a viable choice but it's something they have to work on for themselves and address the causes behind it. The root causes of (fearful) avoidant attachment can be low self-esteem, fear of rejection and anxiety often stemming from emotionally detached caretakers in childhood. A person like this hides their feelings because of these anxiety issues. I would honestly just encourage him to read more about his attachment style and read up on treatments. It helps when a person is reassuring and more outspoken about their feelings, because we're often too nervous to be the first to say things.
@@peppa_pig_ perhaps a set of simple exercises can be put in practice along with journaling on how they make people feel. Things like expressing feelings, small gestures to pioneer what we usually do naturally from childhood when having safe attachment style.
I always thought getting A's and medals would make me fulfilled, but it never did There is a deep emotional longing that can't be fulfilled in me A deep narcissism where any level of criticism shatters my ego and makes me retaliate and lash out I've also been the pot smoker loner with the other misfits, not because I can't make friends but I just don't attach to people on a healthy emotional level But I want to heal and have inherent self worth that isn't based on the opinions of others
thank you for sharing this. If i may offer some advice, learn to love and let others love you. Share this light of compassion that you've just shone on yourself onto others and you will surely begin to develop the self-worth you seek.
Jacob Ham's advice from his reply to this post can really do wonders; slowly learning this back in college through the good people that i've met did give a huge impact in comparison to my younger self who's so into academic achievements solely. May this video reach more people especially those who seek self-awareness :))
Ohhhhwww Fuvk it I didn't realize that after watching the video I only could when i read your comment, I was that baby too ... on the other hand My sister was a true cry baby, she cries on all of her baby pictures.
The avoidant student might also be one that never asks for help but then explodes when people try, because the one time they get attention is when they are "failing", and that is too painful to accept. Avoidance style can come from neglect but i wonder how it looks when one both parents are avoidant but one is violent too
The “Loner stoner that hangs out with others that don’t fit in” hit hard lol. Realized I have an avoidant attachment, just today. I have many emotions, but explaining them is difficult. Just can’t find the right words. I tend to disappear from friendships and others, and pop up once in a couple months. I’ve always separated myself from others because No one really understands me, shit I don’t even understand myself sometimes.
Hey, I know your comment is old, but... I was friend with a fearful avoidant before he ghosted me out of the blue after showing himself sliiightly vulnerable. It hurts like hell. So I offer some perspective here: Your friends love you. They really do. The way you are. They want to support you and if you sometimes need space because things get overwhelming when you live with that attachment style (that's what I learned now), it's okay to ask for space. The right friends will still be your friends. Your attachment style isn't your fault and you're still a wonderful person, I'm sure. I hope you are on your way of healing and have awesome people on your side. You deserve it, like everyone else.
Lol yeah, my friends would always said "I envy you so much! You never seem to have any problem in your life." Yeah, you never know, i can't even explain myself to you lool
It’s nice to find a video that actually explains what it’s like to be an avoidant from their tormented point of view and inner turmoil. and it’s also refreshing to see the comment section isn’t filled with people blaming avoidants for everything and accusing them of being narcissistic.
People in the comment section says they cried. I cried watching it too. It’s very difficult to be like this. I feel like screaming and crying inside for people to see me/my feelings, but people think I am “so cool” and seem like I don’t give a shit with admiration. Now at the end of my 20s, I start to realise this was not true. I feel sadness. I feel so sad yet even I, have never seen it. I couldn’t even connfess to myself. This was my biggest handikap that I always had. Now I see it
I always wondered why people don't like it that I don't show emotions. I thought it would make me a simple and uncomplicated person to be with. As I found out about this I realized how suppressing emotions makes things more complicated. Emotions seem to be partly the language of relationships. Not showing them firstly hinders other people understanding your behavior but also makes your emotions sometimes come out uncontrolled. Because you are not used to showing emotions this is a thing thats makes you uncomfortable even more and you will eventually avoid relationships even more to avoid being in such situation again. Anyone feel the same?
This hit me hard, I have friends but I can't consider any of them as my bestfriends. They usually know my thoughts and opinions about certain topics but never with my emotions. In my workplace, I usually struggle with overwork because I just can't ask for help from others,it makes me feel a less of myself. Right now, I can only identify my importance based on my achievement academically and in my workplace. Having this kind of personality is so frustrating sometimes especially at work and in forming relationships. This is one of the reasons why I never ever entered romantic relationship even at the age of 23. My safe haven? Books and my room
I'm the same. I've made friends in the differnet places I've lived, but never quite make a full bond. I'll only open up more if we're drinking. I've also been seeing someone but I'm thinking I'll actually be happier off being single again for now. Partly because of doubts about the person, but also just thinking of my nature, that I'm happy in my own company.
You can get through this. If you can identify the problem then you just did take 1 step ahead to the solution. Just try and do the opposite thing that your trauma responses wants you to do and be in the moment.
This happened to me but then I also learned that no one really cared about my achievements either. My mom would severely punish me for bringing home bad grades though she never showed any interest in my being. I was just a grade producing robot to her. When I showed signs of independence, because I had to take care of myself, she would suppress that. I wasn't supposed to live at all. I was an unwanted child and I feel my parents both wished I hadn't been born.
During my childhood everyone (parents, classmates, teachers) used to tell me I was too sensitive and overreacted a lot. This is why now I suppress my feelings and try not to show weaknesses. (I’m 17)
Shit I was told the exact same thing and I've been repressing my emotions since I started college and it was really hard to make new friends! i'm 25 now and I'm finally starting to make deeper connections with my new friends who I'd always communicate "on the surface".
Same here. I'm starting to think it's a good thing. There are very few people you can actually be FULLY vulnerable with. People will usually get turned off of you do that. Even friends and family.
My hypothesis is that especially sensitive individuals are more likely to develop this kind of attachement because we just need much more emotional reassurance and it’s much more likely that those aren’t going to be met
Same. I think it was because i always held people accountable for their wrong doings and i never held back from speaking my mind and this made people scared and to supress me they told me things like "you need to chill, dont overreact, youre too sensitive" As a child.
My parents and their friends used to describe me being alone in a corner playing by myself and that I didn't care who would hug me as a baby. My parents told me that I didn't annoy them because I didn't cry as much as other children. The only annoyance I gave my parents was the fact that I was prone to vomit many times... Other than that, I was the 'good girl'.
ugh. i have other patients who share similar stories and they can't accept the narrative that this was abusive or that their suffering comes from anywhere other than the fact that they are just 'bad' children.
I agree. I'm an avoidant partner in my relationship. I numbed many emotions as a child, and now I'm finally able to Express them, so many years later. It's an eye opening experience.
That's part of the theory. The other part is that these kids have certain predispositions that might make them this way. But, again, I wouldn't put too much stock into thinking these theories describe or explain everything. The most important thing is to be curious about mental states and not to categorize and rigidly reify our narratives about ourselves. I think life is more about wonder and beauty over truth and science.
Yeah. Anyway, when I see these experiments about attachment when the parent must leave awhile, and the child is crying his eyes out...It's heart-aching. Do we even need this kind of ache for them? That must be torture.
i'm not sure i get your question: who is them? Your heart should ache. It should tear us apart to leave babies stranded. That's what keeps them alive. That's why I so believe that we are all connected and should resonate with each other, even when the other grows out of infancy. I came up with this idea of layers of hugs and I think your heart can hug another person's heart without even touching them. I'm writing a book and I will talk about how you have to hug people with your heart, your mind, your words, your rhythms, and sometimes you top it all off with a real hug.
Hey. I'm trying to understand what can be done from outside to encourage and help people who identify with this attachment challenge, so that they can heal from it and overcome it. Would you like to share your insight on it? Like what would you like to see from others that would be useful to overcome the challenges? What have you tried in your life that you feel that worked a little bit?
I'd like to in more about how people with this type of attachment feel and how they are working on it. Could you give me some update or insight on it? I'd like to help someone who struggles with it
Ana Medina opening up to people is uncomfortable as hell. I’m very very popular but yet I don’t have any friends which I’m just now realizing. I’m extremely competitive everything is a competition to me.
@@TheJeffmovies ok, thank you for that insight. If you feel more comfortable, you can reply to my email address, 385anamedina at gmail dot com. I have a theory that might work for people with this type of attachment style that came from personal experience. Email me if you'd like to learn more, in the meantime I want you to know that we all have neuroplasticity, which enables us to overcome difficulties, and so and specially when people feel a need to work on those challenges, success is indeed possible, all it takes is for people who made that leap (because they had secure attachment) to reach out to those who didn't, and listen to what people like you have to say. I believe internet offers a great opportunity for those struggling with opening up as it allows distance and emotional safety and anonymousness to help the person express their own reality. Stay strong ♥️
It’s so crazy when u have one parent that literally ignored you and another that did everything for you but they don’t like stressful/emotional situations…
I never would have said my parents were emotionally neglectful (and I think they would be shocked if you suggested that they were), but this is so painfully, utterly, completely me that it hurts to look at. You're describing a person who is so.. so me. I'm.. a little stunned, to be honest. I wish I'd figured this out before the age of 33, it would have saved me so, so, so much heartache.
Thats crazy. Literally summed up all of my internal problems that I've been trying to understand for years. Honestly super glad I found this video. I am the class clown type. I get along with everyone and I'm very successful. I made my first friends in literal years last month even though they considered us friends already. I always felt detached from people and sometimes even from myself. I knew I was lacking something and thought i had depression or something. It messed me up for years. I feel so numb sometimes it really sucks. I go from happy to numb at school to the point that people call me a robot. I envy people who feel emotions. I dont know if I will ever truly "feel" emotions everything just seems like a mask I put on. And I'm really hard on myself to the point where I hate myself. Even if it the smallest thing from my face to hair to how I act. Music is the only thing that makes me feel anything. Thanks for making this video honestly changed my mindset and gave me hope and thanks to anyone who reads this.
Ok. Your reply totally mirrors me. The mask comment AND music is the only thing that can make me feel anything. Music must bypass something that we use to block emotion. Would love to hear other people comment on this.
If you have an anxious attachment style you will be drawn to them and end up in an unhealthy relationship that is hard to break free from. Pick a secure partner.
I think focusing on achievements is a way to cope with feeling unseen, not that worthy or just to change the environment. Because I grew up poorly and as a child I linked money and stuff to their bad behaviour and focused on improving myself therefore to get a better life later on. As a child you don't know why your parents behave in that way. And you link it to your own behaviour. Often they blame things on you. Instead of knowing that they have personal things that they didn't overcome. But your attachment style can change with awareness of patterns and good experiences!.
I just started reading “The Body Keeps the Score”, and had just started the portion on childhood brain development when I suddenly had everything I learned back in high school psych hit me. I found your video and it has really confirmed my hunch: my mother had always seemed so distant from her father, and I really do believe that her insecure attachment came to the table in our relationship. My insistence from a young age about “doing things on my own”, the shutting-down of my emotions and being told that showing expression would have me taken away from my family (by my father), the achievement-oriented mindset and people-pleasing to a fault. The pre-adolescent tendency to isolate myself and fear of emotional commitment. All of it. This has really been a lot to process, but thank you for sharing this resource. I plan to now go to a therapist with this information, insurance allowing.
good that you mention fear of commitment, finally makes sense why I'm like this. I always thought it's strange how scared I am of close romantic relationships, after all isn't that what everyone longs for in their life? Why would I run away from it? Looks like avoidant attachment is the explanation.
I was the invisible one in school ... Never said much/anything at all, or asked for help, so afraid / shy / insecure The nice, quiet student Never did anything wrong/bad in class Didn't have much friends, or friends at all Didn't relate to others Issues with connecting to others, or playing with others Issues with cooperating, teachers complained about this Even when I had my anxiety issues / other problems as teenager especially, never asked for help, or showed signs of it, other than the avoidance of activity and joining social stuff etc Avoidant behavior haha, and fearful Only my mom knew about my anxiety etc, and told my teachers As a kid/baby, my mom has been saying that I was "calm", and just smiled a lot ... Seemed to be fine Even when I was sick... They wouldn't know always how sick, only when they got me to the doctor ... Because didn't cry that much or show signs of being that sick
Interesting stuff ! Relate to maybe fearful avoidant attachment style as adult ... Or especially that avoidance ... I avoid relationships completely, because of trust issues Secretely fantasize about intimacy and connection Also avoid contact with people in general ... But if there is something, I'm very scared or afraid HUGE trust issues, can't trust, and also attract bad people to me, who can't be trusted, even dangerous people I'm a creative person / in my own world ... type of a person Huge imagination, fantasize a lot Been ALONE a lot, and still am The loner definitely The "odd", strange one ... Someone others can't relate to ... / I can't relate to others, or someone others can't seem to understand / don't know about The mysterious person, the quiet one Nowadays more open already, found my personality / individuality Feel very different
@Nasty Yan that's heartbreaking. The good news is that you have taken first step towards healing. You being vulnerable and sharing your struggle is the best thing. You are slowly walking towards your healing.
I used to ask for help, but my math teacher would respond like I inconvenienced her... so I'd stop asking for help. I noticed the smart kids were championed and used as examples often by the teacher, friends, and other parents, so instead of asking for help, I tried really hard to learn the content and did well, but this experience has directed me through life in so many ways...
That's me! If i knew this 2 years ago i wouldn't have messed up my life so much. Set on a long emotional voyage to find out what was wrong with me. High academic performance but zero emotional satisfaction. Oh my...... I'm 22 and broken
Jacob Ham , Hey Jacob, what js the best way to actually heal this. I have been on a very deep spiritual path, specifically to open up my emotions. What suggestions beyond learning to love and feel love , do you have ? Please respond to my personal email: Eliteworldonline at gmail dot com. Thank you
Hey Martin, thanks for sharing. I'm on a little trip here learning more about the subject. I've met someone i deeply care about and who expresses this type of attachment style, definitely something to do with the mother. In the beginning i was puzzled because he wants to be held and loved so bad, but then his fear of attachment and consequent rejection overwhelms him and he can go in hiding like a child. This is painful to whomever attaches to him of course, but he doesn't seem to realise that as he often questioned if he could be loved regardless of external validation factors (money, status, etc) and he definitely carries low self-esteem although he tries to masquerade it. One thing I've noticed is how people suffering from this type of social challenge do want to overcome it and are able to become aware of it, so that to me is incredibly satisfactory as I've always cared about others and happen to naturally try to understand and analyse without prompting judgement. I do want to help him and others as well, and I'm actually considering the possibility of becoming a professional in the field. I'd like to learn more about it, what worked for you in the sense of since you've realised you had this attachment style, what have you tried to do to make up for it in your life, and what would you like to see other people do and try in order to better help you overcome the challenges yourself. Let me know your insight on the subject, I'd love to learn more about it
I feel like I might have this attachment style a lot of times I tend to put up a wall between me and people emotionally, I guess because I'm too embarrassed and shy to show people my real personality and feelings. Idk a lot of times I feel like I don't make proper connections with people because of it, but I'm going to try and work on it, btw your voice is very calming :), thank you for this video.
Thank you so much for this video! Something prompted me to go back and research attachment styles again and I feel like I'm having a big breakthrough in how I perceive the world and my place in it. I really connected with the illustration of the kid being pleased with making his own food, I was always more comfortable making meals for myself, even at big family events I would be more comfortable eating the left-overs a few hours after everyone else had left the table when I could just do things for myself.
I have this type of attachment style. Growing up, I was often described as the good girl since I was always calm, quiet and did everything by myself with minimal help. My parents never had to remind me to do my homework or study. They didn't necessarily need to help me with my studies. I sorta did most of the work by myself. I want to open up and be vulnerable but when I actually do, I always feel horrible afterwards. I feel like being vulnerable makes me very weak and even more prone to pain. My parents did their best to raise us. They were just always so busy with work and taking care of my little brother that they almost never had enough time for me. We rarely eat together nor even have any meaningful conversations. They just made sure I had my physical needs met. They thought that as long as I was physically healthy then I'm fine. It didn't help that I got bullied at school a lot but I just eventually learned to suck it up. I had no one to confide in and at times when I get upset I would be called selfish for only thinking about my feelings. That's how I learned that no one really cares how I feel so why bother?
So sad, that this happens. I see alot has to do with environment and what happens to a person shapes them to who the become . Good video! Straight to the point!
I knew before I'm an avoidant type. I've seen myself acting different and getting affection in a different way than some of my friends and I was curious to find out why. Since then, even though I'm still avoidant, I made improvements about my self worth and accepting myself and my needs as well. I could see myself now being avoidant but with some secure behaviors. I love the fact that I found your channel today. It's very easy and clear to listen to your videos. Thank you!🙏🏻 :)
Thank you Jacob. I'm nearly 39 and just figuring out why i attracted toxic relationships. You're videos are really helping me to understand. I score ambivalent attachment but can relate to being avoidant.
Very well said! I'm convinced that my now ex boyfriend has this disorder! 😐 It's so frustrating for the other person because we try so hard to show them that we care and truly love them. But the slightest discomfort (physically and or verbally), they run, or avoid you like the plague! My now ex boyfriend just ended things by ghosting me. As hurtful as it is, I'm kind of glad because I can't live the rest of my life walking on eggshells!
I feel very conflicted about this because I think I partially developed this style, not completely but in a great extent, when I was younger I was told several times that I cried too much and whenever I decided to show my true emotions I was ridiculized and underestimated, sometimes by my own family, by teachers and so on. I learnt in a very early stage in life that most of the times you have to play the game in order to survive, obviously I’m well driven and have all the confidence to get what I want in terms of materialism or career but I don’t know how to handle my emotions very well, I loathe feeling vulnerable but I hate even more to SHOW vulnerability,whenever I need to cry I never let myself cry in front of anybody, I look myself at the mirror and say “Not everybody deserves your tears”. I like people relying on me but I hate asking for anything, I prefer to be the one helping instead of being the one helped. I can also be aloof, unsympathetic and condescending that sometimes I forget that I have pretended for so long the character that it’s in me which is not helpful since I hate to feel compromised, loath when people want to know more about me or want to force themselves into my personal space, did I mention that I need a lot of time to be alone by myself?. the thing is, that once all those material goals are achieved, you'll start to feel disconected with the real world, bored and sometimes you will feel like you don't know what to do with yourself and since you don't have meaningful relationships whatsoever you'll find yourself trying to fill that void with sex, work or whatever else which is not gonna solve the problem, hence we need to start sorting out life at least little by little. I’ve excersiced some of my weakness and have relaxed a little bit, hey It's not easy at all, I hurts like a bitch and you cannot stop it one day just because you wanted and felt that day particularly good, don't fool yourself. I moved abroad and the mindset and lifestyle is more in accordance of my way of being but I also felt like I got a new start, I feel more confident but not condescending, reserved but not aloof and sometimes I have to remind me that I’m being too hard on myself and need to relax, this year has been great but I still have a lot to work on but I really hope everybody that has been through this, can overcome it and learn that the future generations children need to be hugged a lot, listened to a lot and of course to be loved immensely, I’m not sure about wanting them in my life yet but hell would I want my children to endure all of these situations without them knowing that I’d love them immensely and support them. Best wishes for everybody ❤.
I would think fr my whole life that theres no point in expressing my feelings to others. At times of desperation, the inability to express my feelings is really frustrating
At the beginning of this year, the man whom I revered as my best friend, abandoned and betrayed me. In an instant, just like that, out of the blue... He discarded and replaced me. I guess it wasn't real friendship. I'd like to say it must have been love... But really, it must have been a trauma bond. It's been over 8 months, and I'm still healing... REMINDER TO SELF: Life/LOVE is just trying so hard, doing its very best to wake you up, out of the prison cell... You don’t even know you're in!
This is so accurate to me and my inner self-my inner self that I desperately try to hide-it’s terrifying. I was just mouth agape, as I listened to you, sentence after sentence, describing my innermost feelings and holes in my psyche. You are brilliant. I wish I could do counseling with you.
Hello there, how are you doing? I am currently doing research on the subject, as I do want people to overcome this attachment style. Would you like to contribute? I'd like to have insight on how it feels for people like you to be in everyday social situations, what have you tried to do that you feel that actually worked and what would you like to see others doing or not doing at all that would help you bridge the gap in relationships and overcome your challenges? I can share my email if you'd like to contribute - 385anamedina at gmail dot com
For your healing process I suggest to learn to spot narcissistic people. They will always hurt you when you are being vulnerable. My parents use to do this all the time. So if you really want to heal and being yourself as a human, be prepared because some people just wanna see you down.
I was quiet as a baby. My dad died when I was 3, living my mom with 3 kids. I'm the eldest. My mom was always busy working which made her emotionally unavailable. So I always have to fend for myself to not cause trouble to my mom. I've always been highly independent. I grew up to be a high achiever with few friends. And I struggled a lot with romantic relationships since I push anyone who even dare try climb my walls. 😢 But I'm ok now, I'm engaged to a person with secure attachment style. And I'm trying to be not as avoidant anymore. It's hard for the both of us but we're working it out. And he's so understanding.
I hate having the avoidant attachment style. It sucks even more being introverted. While it all stems from childhood trauma, it’s something I’m working to overcome now that I’ve recognised it.
This clearly defines both my childhood and my life, in all regards. Thank you for the video, your explanations are really cool and they help me on my way to know myself so that I can find the tools to be and have a better, or perhaps I should say, to heal my "self".
Hey Brian. How's your progress going? Did you feel the video helped you get better in touch with yourself? I'm learning about people who have this attachment style and i do want to help them overcome their challenges so I'm asking those who experienced it to give insight on the subject. What have you tried that worked out for you? What could others do to help you overcome the challenges?
Hey, thanks for reaching out. Well, actually I'm one of the most extreme cases of AvPD you'll encounter. I always pulled the plug on everyone, it's been over a decade I cut contact with my family (everyone except a brother I write with every two months just to confirm I'm alive :p). I couldn't hold onto a relationship and would always quit my job after a year or so, and now I work online which was what I always wanted, and now I know why (of course, little to none social interaction). I've been moving from city to city every year or so for the past decade as well, I know, I'm running away from the possibility of getting people too close to me, and I'm holding myself now from even going to another country. Not that traveling is bad, but I now came to understand why I always want to go elsewhere and never want friends or people with me no matter how kind they are or have been to me. This is not easy, but I'm fighting back by analyzing my childhood and trying to be warmer with people. I'm also actively involved in a self-knowledge school where I volunteer giving lectures, forcing myself to step in front of people has helped me, and self-psychoanalysis is also helpful. I have a long way to go I know, but realizing what I had was key to begin to heal. I know I'm currently not ready to date again, fear of intimacy is still there, but I'm confident I will be in the coming future and if I have a son or daughter I'll make sure not to pass these same traumas onto them. The video really helped me to understand my disorder, it's one of the best on UA-cam. And I also love Jacob's final phrase: "deep inside, everyone needs other people to survive", which is true because I want intimacy and closeness but find it really hard to allow myself to get there. Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I came to rewatch the video and saw your response just now
I am 21 years old. I have never had a real, close friendship or an emotional relationship at all. I avoid talking about anything personal or the closest person and share my problems with him. I always felt like he was weak. One day I saw a girl crying at university. My reaction was that I laughed and tried with difficulty to hide my laughter. It seemed as if I had no feelings. But in truth, I feel disgusted by showing weakness and tears in front of others. I have now discovered that I am an avoidant personality.
When I go to school, I'm automatically joyful, even tho, when I'm sitting at the bus I repeat and reapet over to show my actual self and try getting help, but as soon as I see the people I'm friends with, I just snap into joyful mode
its so good to listen and relate but also see all the comments and realise i am not alone in this. Its like i always knew i am like this but i have never known any different but it is effecting my relationship so much and its so confusing because i want to connect more and be open with my feelings but its so hard. Hiding away is so easy and feels normal but yet i want to be vulnerable so much it hurts. If anyone has any advice or anything that has helped or even just wants to chat please reach out to me!
Wow loved how you explained this ! Your method is so different than others, I’m a visual learner so this resonated with clearly ! Thank you. So much ! 🙏🏾♥️
Same here... in fact, I just erased my comment because I thought ''nobody is going to care if they ever read this'', so to actually post it: I recently found out this is my attachment style and I have no doubts about it. And I know what messed me up - i'm a young woman and my dad was and is very emotionally abusive and neglectful, so, as a child and teenager I just learned to go to my room and not be with them (my mother enabled his behavior, but is a nurturing person herself, often the one who cared even a little about what frustrated me, although i had no tools to actually express myself). Being together with my family consisted of being told ''grow up, stop doing that'' when it was perfectly fine to be a child and play, and when I was in pain or needed emotional support, the caregiver would go ''you're just faking it'' or ''you're being ridiculous!'', so I avoided showing them any emotion or even telling them about what's going on in my life - because I knew I would just get hurt. I developed a mild depression when i was 13/14 and although I was never formally diagnosed, to this day I struggle with suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety over minor but negative events with my family because of never feeling like I was a part of ''them''. If any dad here is reading this, please, show your kids it's okay to have emotions and respond to them when they seek emotional support, this messed me up for the foreseeable future and I don't know if I'll ever be normal.
@@YueClaudia we basically have the same experience. Except it was my mom who was emotionally unavailable due to working long hours. She was a single mom as my dad died when I was 3. And the moment I confide in her about any of my troubles, she'd just get angry. So I learned to bottle up my emotions. If it were not for my stepfather and his family who showed me love and affection, I probably would have been really depressed. They did provide me some sort of healing. To feel loved. I am forever grateful to them. I hope you're in a better place now. Don't worry it gets better.
On a slightly more wholesome note than the other comments here, as an avoidant myself. On the classroom scenario I would act just like in the video, but I also managed to get pretty close to one of my friends at the time, and would whisper my questions to him, and he would ask them to the teacher. Also, whenever the teacher said something like "that's a nice question", he would go "It's her question actually!". He was a great friend
Thank you so much for your work, Dr. Ham. Your work is appreciated. Not only this video but many of yours are great content videos. I look forward to your new video in the future, 🙏🙂
i am happy i found this video, i've been a class clown-loner type of person on a weird way, i wouldn't talk to a person if they didn't pursue me but if i becoma friends with a person i am extremely comfortable on that friendship. I feel like i have so many friends but not so much close friends. I've caught feelings for a girl who are in the same friend group as me. We really get along, we are talking and laughing all the time, i have some 'clues' that i think she has feelings for me too but i can not accept the fact that somebody loves me. I wouldn't say i am a good looking person or a bad looking person, just above the average, i feel like i am a smart and a sensefull person but i have that "why would anyone love me?", "I'm not the person to be loved" thoughts all over my head. I expressed my feelings to a one person about her to help me think about it but i instantly regretted it, although that person did nothing after i expressed my feeling i feel like it should've been best not to do it. This video helped me much and gave me new ways to think, Thank you.
Sometimes being alone is the only way to survive. But, the baby and small child need others to survive. That's why they work so hard to adapt to whatever parenting they get.
😭😭 you have just described my entire life and I tend to over share and over compensate then punish myself silently after that. I expect everyone to leave. N I don't ask for help
Thank you for putting this into words so well. You made it really interesting and easy to understand, and you have a very nice voice. I hope now that I am learning about these things I'll be able to connect with people better
I wish I could. I'm out of money and opportunity for now! At least, subscribe to my blog: drjacobham.com. I'll still try to make something it won't be as well produced.
Wow. Dr. Ham has a great speaking voice. I think my friend may be an avoider. Really great dates but as soon as he saw I was developing emotions, he pulled away citing that he was too busy with work.
I just erased my comment because I thought ''nobody is going to care if they ever read this'', but I thought ''this is exactly why you need to counter it'', so to actually post it: I recently found out this is my attachment style and I have no doubts about it. And I know what messed me up - i'm a young woman and my dad was and is very emotionally abusive and neglectful, so, as a child and teenager I just learned to go to my room and not be with them (my mother enabled his behavior, but is a nurturing person herself, often the one who cared even a little about what frustrated me, although i had no tools to actually express myself). Being together with my family consisted of being told ''grow up, stop doing that'' when it was perfectly fine to be a child and play, and when I was in pain or needed emotional support, the caregiver would go ''you're just faking it'' or ''you're being ridiculous!'', so I avoided showing them any emotion or even telling them about what's going on in my life - because I knew I would just get hurt. I developed a mild depression when i was 13/14 and although I was never formally diagnosed, to this day I struggle with suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety over minor but negative events with my family because of never feeling like I was a part of ''them''. If any dad here is reading this, please, show your kids it's okay to have emotions and respond to them when they seek emotional support, this messed me up for the foreseeable future and I don't know if I'll ever be normal.
Omg, what you just did was a huge moment of healing for you! Amazing!!! This is a perfect example of a person taking their healing into their own hands and intuitively doing the most perfect thing to combat insecurity. Can I please share it with others and possibly even incorporate into my trainings or my book? The next step for you is to replace "any dad here" with an actual person in your real life and tell them to give you the space to have emotions and to respond with support. I'm going to share a family therapy moment that highlights exactly the same thing, once I edit the video, so please stay tuned for it and thanks again for overcoming your hesitation!
Thank you for the advice, Jacob (: feel free to use this as an example, hope it helps!
Hi, I'm actually shocked of the resemblance of this with my personal case. Though with some differences, I was raised mostly by my mother, she divorced my father when I was like 7 or 8. Since then my mother decided that in order to raise me well and strong, she would push me harder and demanding. I had a lot of social issues in school, i had almost no true friends and felt socially awkward all the time. I also was too different from the most common and popular kinds, very introverted and self locked. I also had suicidal thoughts between my 12 and 15 citing I didn't fit anywhere and I never discussed this with my mother believing she won't have an empathetic response. In my adulthood i strived for excellence. I became a software engineer and I almost got obsessed with certifications and knowing about everything. When my teammates look after me for guidance I feel realized and when I don't know about something I almost feel shame on me. I always had problems getting into a love relationship, now I have a lovely girlfriend who is kind, open, trustworthy and loyal. But sometimes, I think because of my avoiding issue, I feel disconnected with her, citing she is codependent while I feel very comfortable being alone. At the same time, I try to push her harder to improve. It's almost like if I'm trying to replicate my story. One side of me does not like these thoughts and feels I'm doing wrong hence I'm trying to understand myself and get over my avoidant behavior. I wish I would be able to find the correct way of thinking and working with her because I do love her and don't want us to fail.
Such a good move! I also do this a lot.
Same
The problem with being avoidant is that you want to be vulnerable and open but you don't know how to do that.
so true and we hope that someone will get it and come looking for us nonetheless.
wel if you do once U do u get afraid and u run for the hills
honestly
Its just not safe. I can't make myself do something I know will hurt me on the inside. I just want the pain to stop.
I don’t want to be vulnerable. 🤷🏻♀️
It's hard being introverted and avoidant.
I remember hearing Jerome Kagan talk about how the shy temperament children will always need gentle nudges to keep encouraging more engagement with the world. Keep pushing gently if you want more out of life!
I think that being introverted makes it more easy because there is a natural part of you that is content with being by yourself and you depend less on others
Me too. Seemed to have studied every bloody psychology subject and overlooked this. Now I know why I find it so hard to regularly call my sister or text message. Enjoying lockdown with my hound Eloi. Do you have a cat then? Caroline, 37, game hunter, Dingwall 🏴
Introverted and anxious is just as confusing.
It is, but probably not for attractive females
It sounded funny when my parents told me how I never really cared who was around, just played on my own in the corner, and how I never really cried. Now I realized it's a sad story.
Damn I relate so much. I played by myself mostly. My parents didn't play with me much as a kid. My brother would always treat me badly so I played alone mostly. My parents did nothing about his actions also. Even though i'm 19 now I still am very similar. I prefer alone time mostly.
Same. Grew up in a very divided family, with mental health issues and other stuff. As a kid, I grew up learning things by myself, one of the people outside of family died when I was 8 and since then I can't seem to trust others. As well every time I needed help, I was either punished or tried to be "gaslightrd" but always told "when you grow up, you'll be the only one who'll take this family away". It's not until this year, Until I got diagnosed with slight depression, but then being told to cut off my therapy sessions so I wouldn't get sicker in their own words.
Yeah me too. My mom told me I rarely cried as a baby. Hahaha
@@tulips7465 Same. I was "a good baby" in her words.
This is so me. I mom though I was the most perfect baby but 40 years later I am still the same baby. My relationships fails one after another
I cried. I'm 22, and the precocious, independent, stoic and emotionally neglected insecure achiever with no friends obsessed with external validation as a means of distraction, is the story of my life. I masked it over with achievements and for a period, humor. Everyone knew of me in school and got along with me but I wasn't truly friends with them. Even my report cards as a child would say "brilliant student but very shy." I walked outside after graduation to hug no one. Because I pushed everyone away through self-imposed isolation. If I waved at someone in the hallway and they didn't wave back I assumed they hated me instead of that they simply didn't see me and used that narrative as a basis for which to build walls around myself. I don't believe I'm worthy of being a friend or in a romantic relationship so I push opportunities away. I spent all 4 years of college just studying and I cry over the regret. I have a good esteem in my academic/career abilities but none in myself/appearance/social worth. Like he mentioned, I don't feel like my worth is based on my inherent humanity and therefore, do not deserve love. I've ruined so many opportunities.
Hello Bertha, how are you doing? I'm studying this attachment style in order to one day help others with insight on how to overcome it. Would be interested in sharing some glimpses on the subject? I was moved by someone I've met who struggles in relationships because of it and I came to realise I do want to help him and more people to overcome it. Let me know if you'd like to share your thoughts, I'd like to know what people have tried that worked for them and what others could do to help them bridge the gap socially
@@myfriendscallmek2745 Hi, I'm well thanks. I honestly don't know how to help someone with avoidant attachment -- if I knew I would have fixed myself lol. I think therapy for the person with this is a viable choice but it's something they have to work on for themselves and address the causes behind it. The root causes of (fearful) avoidant attachment can be low self-esteem, fear of rejection and anxiety often stemming from emotionally detached caretakers in childhood. A person like this hides their feelings because of these anxiety issues. I would honestly just encourage him to read more about his attachment style and read up on treatments. It helps when a person is reassuring and more outspoken about their feelings, because we're often too nervous to be the first to say things.
@@peppa_pig_ perhaps a set of simple exercises can be put in practice along with journaling on how they make people feel. Things like expressing feelings, small gestures to pioneer what we usually do naturally from childhood when having safe attachment style.
This entire conversation is incredibly touching and a wonderful little unexpected gift born out of this video. Thank you both for having it.
me literally haha
I always thought getting A's and medals would make me fulfilled, but it never did
There is a deep emotional longing that can't be fulfilled in me
A deep narcissism where any level of criticism shatters my ego and makes me retaliate and lash out
I've also been the pot smoker loner with the other misfits, not because I can't make friends but I just don't attach to people on a healthy emotional level
But I want to heal and have inherent self worth that isn't based on the opinions of others
thank you for sharing this. If i may offer some advice, learn to love and let others love you. Share this light of compassion that you've just shone on yourself onto others and you will surely begin to develop the self-worth you seek.
check out the enneagram :)
Hello. You acknowledgement alone has so much value in it. Hope all is well and that you have continued to learn, heal, and accept. Thx for sharing.
Jacob Ham's advice from his reply to this post can really do wonders; slowly learning this back in college through the good people that i've met did give a huge impact in comparison to my younger self who's so into academic achievements solely. May this video reach more people especially those who seek self-awareness :))
Story of my life right here
Omg my mom and the adults would always tell me that when I was a baby, I was always chill, quite and calm. :/
It all makes sense now.
yep..this hits
Ohhhhwww Fuvk it I didn't realize that after watching the video I only could when i read your comment, I was that baby too ... on the other hand My sister was a true cry baby, she cries on all of her baby pictures.
Anyone else cry the second they realised that they are that baby?
yes yes so much
Yes many times
The avoidant student might also be one that never asks for help but then explodes when people try, because the one time they get attention is when they are "failing", and that is too painful to accept.
Avoidance style can come from neglect but i wonder how it looks when one both parents are avoidant but one is violent too
The “Loner stoner that hangs out with others that don’t fit in” hit hard lol. Realized I have an avoidant attachment, just today. I have many emotions, but explaining them is difficult. Just can’t find the right words. I tend to disappear from friendships and others, and pop up once in a couple months. I’ve always separated myself from others because No one really understands me, shit I don’t even understand myself sometimes.
I was hoping those words would hit home for someone! Thank you for sharing.
Hey, I know your comment is old, but... I was friend with a fearful avoidant before he ghosted me out of the blue after showing himself sliiightly vulnerable. It hurts like hell. So I offer some perspective here: Your friends love you. They really do. The way you are. They want to support you and if you sometimes need space because things get overwhelming when you live with that attachment style (that's what I learned now), it's okay to ask for space. The right friends will still be your friends. Your attachment style isn't your fault and you're still a wonderful person, I'm sure. I hope you are on your way of healing and have awesome people on your side. You deserve it, like everyone else.
Relate so. Much
“The lonely stoner seems to free himself at night”
- Kid Cudi
THAT SHIT HIT HARD FOR ME TOO!!! 🫣
I am not a robot song by Marina is like this
Lol yeah, my friends would always said "I envy you so much! You never seem to have any problem in your life." Yeah, you never know, i can't even explain myself to you lool
Aww bless you ❤️
This video made me cry...
me too...
It really hits the nail on the head
Why if you cry nothing Will change its a waste of time
Damn
Do you feel like you see yourself in it ..?
Why did it touch you that much?
It’s nice to find a video that actually explains what it’s like to be an avoidant from their tormented point of view and inner turmoil.
and it’s also refreshing to see the comment section isn’t filled with people blaming avoidants for everything and accusing them of being narcissistic.
Wow i'm finally a character in a animation
And your comment popped up 😮
People in the comment section says they cried. I cried watching it too. It’s very difficult to be like this. I feel like screaming and crying inside for people to see me/my feelings, but people think I am “so cool” and seem like I don’t give a shit with admiration. Now at the end of my 20s, I start to realise this was not true. I feel sadness. I feel so sad yet even I, have never seen it. I couldn’t even connfess to myself. This was my biggest handikap that I always had. Now I see it
I always wondered why people don't like it that I don't show emotions. I thought it would make me a simple and uncomplicated person to be with.
As I found out about this I realized how suppressing emotions makes things more complicated.
Emotions seem to be partly the language of relationships. Not showing them firstly hinders other people understanding your behavior but also makes your emotions sometimes come out uncontrolled. Because you are not used to showing emotions this is a thing thats makes you uncomfortable even more and you will eventually avoid relationships even more to avoid being in such situation again.
Anyone feel the same?
great insight!
💯
This hit me hard, I have friends but I can't consider any of them as my bestfriends. They usually know my thoughts and opinions about certain topics but never with my emotions. In my workplace, I usually struggle with overwork because I just can't ask for help from others,it makes me feel a less of myself. Right now, I can only identify my importance based on my achievement academically and in my workplace. Having this kind of personality is so frustrating sometimes especially at work and in forming relationships. This is one of the reasons why I never ever entered romantic relationship even at the age of 23.
My safe haven? Books and my room
This is me too😖😥
@@MiszGreatBritain I feel you,living this kind of life is a tough one 😩
I'm the same. I've made friends in the differnet places I've lived, but never quite make a full bond. I'll only open up more if we're drinking. I've also been seeing someone but I'm thinking I'll actually be happier off being single again for now. Partly because of doubts about the person, but also just thinking of my nature, that I'm happy in my own company.
You can get through this. If you can identify the problem then you just did take 1 step ahead to the solution. Just try and do the opposite thing that your trauma responses wants you to do and be in the moment.
@@kadirramazn 👍great idea
This happened to me but then I also learned that no one really cared about my achievements either. My mom would severely punish me for bringing home bad grades though she never showed any interest in my being. I was just a grade producing robot to her. When I showed signs of independence, because I had to take care of myself, she would suppress that. I wasn't supposed to live at all. I was an unwanted child and I feel my parents both wished I hadn't been born.
This is one of the best channels. My husband and I found it yesterday and we've been fascinated
During my childhood everyone (parents, classmates, teachers) used to tell me I was too sensitive and overreacted a lot. This is why now I suppress my feelings and try not to show weaknesses. (I’m 17)
Shit I was told the exact same thing and I've been repressing my emotions since I started college and it was really hard to make new friends! i'm 25 now and I'm finally starting to make deeper connections with my new friends who I'd always communicate "on the surface".
Same here. I'm starting to think it's a good thing. There are very few people you can actually be FULLY vulnerable with. People will usually get turned off of you do that. Even friends and family.
My hypothesis is that especially sensitive individuals are more likely to develop this kind of attachement because we just need much more emotional reassurance and it’s much more likely that those aren’t going to be met
or maybe your environnement was very dismissive of your emotions that is ofc also possible
Same. I think it was because i always held people accountable for their wrong doings and i never held back from speaking my mind and this made people scared and to supress me they told me things like "you need to chill, dont overreact, youre too sensitive" As a child.
My parents and their friends used to describe me being alone in a corner playing by myself and that I didn't care who would hug me as a baby. My parents told me that I didn't annoy them because I didn't cry as much as other children. The only annoyance I gave my parents was the fact that I was prone to vomit many times... Other than that, I was the 'good girl'.
ugh. i have other patients who share similar stories and they can't accept the narrative that this was abusive or that their suffering comes from anywhere other than the fact that they are just 'bad' children.
I agree. I'm an avoidant partner in my relationship. I numbed many emotions as a child, and now I'm finally able to Express them, so many years later. It's an eye opening experience.
Amazing that you were able to overcome!
Are these types of kids created by parents that takes care of the basic needs, but are emotionless?
That's part of the theory. The other part is that these kids have certain predispositions that might make them this way. But, again, I wouldn't put too much stock into thinking these theories describe or explain everything. The most important thing is to be curious about mental states and not to categorize and rigidly reify our narratives about ourselves. I think life is more about wonder and beauty over truth and science.
Yeah. Anyway, when I see these experiments about attachment when the parent must leave awhile, and the child is crying his eyes out...It's heart-aching. Do we even need this kind of ache for them? That must be torture.
i'm not sure i get your question: who is them?
Your heart should ache. It should tear us apart to leave babies stranded. That's what keeps them alive. That's why I so believe that we are all connected and should resonate with each other, even when the other grows out of infancy. I came up with this idea of layers of hugs and I think your heart can hug another person's heart without even touching them. I'm writing a book and I will talk about how you have to hug people with your heart, your mind, your words, your rhythms, and sometimes you top it all off with a real hug.
What do you mean, ''Who is them''?
you wrote "Do we even need this kind of ache for them?" Is them the infants or the parents?
I dated this baby
Lol 😂
Im that baby.
FBI open up
I am that one. Physically an adult but emotionally that avoidant baby.
I am baby
This is is extremely accurate. It made me cry
Hey. I'm trying to understand what can be done from outside to encourage and help people who identify with this attachment challenge, so that they can heal from it and overcome it. Would you like to share your insight on it? Like what would you like to see from others that would be useful to overcome the challenges? What have you tried in your life that you feel that worked a little bit?
Spent my whole life ( 22yo) trying to figure out how I tick and here it is in a 4 minute video on UA-cam
I'd like to in more about how people with this type of attachment feel and how they are working on it. Could you give me some update or insight on it? I'd like to help someone who struggles with it
Ana Medina opening up to people is uncomfortable as hell. I’m very very popular but yet I don’t have any friends which I’m just now realizing. I’m extremely competitive everything is a competition to me.
@@TheJeffmovies ok, thank you for that insight. If you feel more comfortable, you can reply to my email address, 385anamedina at gmail dot com. I have a theory that might work for people with this type of attachment style that came from personal experience. Email me if you'd like to learn more, in the meantime I want you to know that we all have neuroplasticity, which enables us to overcome difficulties, and so and specially when people feel a need to work on those challenges, success is indeed possible, all it takes is for people who made that leap (because they had secure attachment) to reach out to those who didn't, and listen to what people like you have to say. I believe internet offers a great opportunity for those struggling with opening up as it allows distance and emotional safety and anonymousness to help the person express their own reality. Stay strong ♥️
@@TheJeffmovies yup me in a nutshell
Love the illustrations...
Yeah, my friend Thomas Moon is helping me with the illustrations.
LoL, the baby looks grumpy
Jacob, your commentary and the illustrations are amazing.
I love your voice. Hearing it is very therapeutic and makes me feel okay.
It’s so crazy when u have one parent that literally ignored you and another that did everything for you but they don’t like stressful/emotional situations…
I never would have said my parents were emotionally neglectful (and I think they would be shocked if you suggested that they were), but this is so painfully, utterly, completely me that it hurts to look at. You're describing a person who is so.. so me. I'm.. a little stunned, to be honest.
I wish I'd figured this out before the age of 33, it would have saved me so, so, so much heartache.
i'm sorry to hear about the heart ache. I hope this insight will help you to explore more and grow from it.
Thats crazy. Literally summed up all of my internal problems that I've been trying to understand for years. Honestly super glad I found this video. I am the class clown type. I get along with everyone and I'm very successful. I made my first friends in literal years last month even though they considered us friends already. I always felt detached from people and sometimes even from myself. I knew I was lacking something and thought i had depression or something. It messed me up for years. I feel so numb sometimes it really sucks. I go from happy to numb at school to the point that people call me a robot. I envy people who feel emotions. I dont know if I will ever truly "feel" emotions everything just seems like a mask I put on. And I'm really hard on myself to the point where I hate myself. Even if it the smallest thing from my face to hair to how I act. Music is the only thing that makes me feel anything. Thanks for making this video honestly changed my mindset and gave me hope and thanks to anyone who reads this.
Ok. Your reply totally mirrors me.
The mask comment AND music is the only thing that can make me feel anything. Music must bypass something that we use to block emotion. Would love to hear other people comment on this.
real.
I cried watching this, so spot on
If you have an anxious attachment style you will be drawn to them and end up in an unhealthy relationship that is hard to break free from. Pick a secure partner.
I think focusing on achievements is a way to cope with feeling unseen, not that worthy or just to change the environment. Because I grew up poorly and as a child I linked money and stuff to their bad behaviour and focused on improving myself therefore to get a better life later on.
As a child you don't know why your parents behave in that way. And you link it to your own behaviour. Often they blame things on you. Instead of knowing that they have personal things that they didn't overcome. But your attachment style can change with awareness of patterns and good experiences!.
This is how I've always felt.
sorry to hear, but realizing this is the first step. best of luck on your journey of self-discovery.
I just started reading “The Body Keeps the Score”, and had just started the portion on childhood brain development when I suddenly had everything I learned back in high school psych hit me. I found your video and it has really confirmed my hunch: my mother had always seemed so distant from her father, and I really do believe that her insecure attachment came to the table in our relationship. My insistence from a young age about “doing things on my own”, the shutting-down of my emotions and being told that showing expression would have me taken away from my family (by my father), the achievement-oriented mindset and people-pleasing to a fault. The pre-adolescent tendency to isolate myself and fear of emotional commitment. All of it.
This has really been a lot to process, but thank you for sharing this resource. I plan to now go to a therapist with this information, insurance allowing.
wonderful! thank you for sharing that. That's what these videos are made for.
good that you mention fear of commitment, finally makes sense why I'm like this. I always thought it's strange how scared I am of close romantic relationships, after all isn't that what everyone longs for in their life? Why would I run away from it?
Looks like avoidant attachment is the explanation.
I do have a avoidant personaly disorder and this is very very accurate.
I relate to this ...
Had/have a narcissistic father and unstable/depressed mother
I was the invisible one in school ... Never said much/anything at all, or asked for help, so afraid / shy / insecure
The nice, quiet student
Never did anything wrong/bad in class
Didn't have much friends, or friends at all
Didn't relate to others
Issues with connecting to others, or playing with others
Issues with cooperating, teachers complained about this
Even when I had my anxiety issues / other problems as teenager especially, never asked for help, or showed signs of it, other than the avoidance of activity and joining social stuff etc
Avoidant behavior haha, and fearful
Only my mom knew about my anxiety etc, and told my teachers
As a kid/baby, my mom has been saying that I was "calm", and just smiled a lot ... Seemed to be fine
Even when I was sick... They wouldn't know always how sick, only when they got me to the doctor ... Because didn't cry that much or show signs of being that sick
Interesting stuff !
Relate to maybe fearful avoidant attachment style as adult ... Or especially that avoidance ...
I avoid relationships completely, because of trust issues
Secretely fantasize about intimacy and connection
Also avoid contact with people in general ... But if there is something, I'm very scared or afraid
HUGE trust issues, can't trust, and also attract bad people to me, who can't be trusted, even dangerous people
I'm a creative person / in my own world ... type of a person
Huge imagination, fantasize a lot
Been ALONE a lot, and still am
The loner definitely
The "odd", strange one ... Someone others can't relate to ... / I can't relate to others, or someone others can't seem to understand / don't know about
The mysterious person, the quiet one
Nowadays more open already, found my personality / individuality
Feel very different
@Nasty Yan that's heartbreaking. The good news is that you have taken first step towards healing. You being vulnerable and sharing your struggle is the best thing. You are slowly walking towards your healing.
I believe my dad was a narcissist also.
me too :((
I used to ask for help, but my math teacher would respond like I inconvenienced her... so I'd stop asking for help. I noticed the smart kids were championed and used as examples often by the teacher, friends, and other parents, so instead of asking for help, I tried really hard to learn the content and did well, but this experience has directed me through life in so many ways...
That's me! If i knew this 2 years ago i wouldn't have messed up my life so much. Set on a long emotional voyage to find out what was wrong with me. High academic performance but zero emotional satisfaction. Oh my......
I'm 22 and broken
don't give up! you can get better. i've seen it.
Jacob Ham ,
Hey Jacob, what js the best way to actually heal this. I have been on a very deep spiritual path, specifically to open up my emotions. What suggestions beyond learning to love and feel love , do you have ? Please respond to my personal email:
Eliteworldonline at gmail dot com.
Thank you
Hey Martin, thanks for sharing. I'm on a little trip here learning more about the subject. I've met someone i deeply care about and who expresses this type of attachment style, definitely something to do with the mother. In the beginning i was puzzled because he wants to be held and loved so bad, but then his fear of attachment and consequent rejection overwhelms him and he can go in hiding like a child. This is painful to whomever attaches to him of course, but he doesn't seem to realise that as he often questioned if he could be loved regardless of external validation factors (money, status, etc) and he definitely carries low self-esteem although he tries to masquerade it. One thing I've noticed is how people suffering from this type of social challenge do want to overcome it and are able to become aware of it, so that to me is incredibly satisfactory as I've always cared about others and happen to naturally try to understand and analyse without prompting judgement. I do want to help him and others as well, and I'm actually considering the possibility of becoming a professional in the field. I'd like to learn more about it, what worked for you in the sense of since you've realised you had this attachment style, what have you tried to do to make up for it in your life, and what would you like to see other people do and try in order to better help you overcome the challenges yourself. Let me know your insight on the subject, I'd love to learn more about it
@@myfriendscallmek2745 Medina, I'll find some time and draft a meaningful response. Sorry for your situation.
@@martinsimbona6145 thank you. You can share your thoughts at: 385anamedina at gmail dot com whenever you like
I feel like I might have this attachment style a lot of times I tend to put up a wall between me and people emotionally, I guess because I'm too embarrassed and shy to show people my real personality and feelings. Idk a lot of times I feel like I don't make proper connections with people because of it, but I'm going to try and work on it, btw your voice is very calming :), thank you for this video.
You have an amazing way of explain psychology. Clear, to the point, factual, great work.
Thank you so much for this video! Something prompted me to go back and research attachment styles again and I feel like I'm having a big breakthrough in how I perceive the world and my place in it. I really connected with the illustration of the kid being pleased with making his own food, I was always more comfortable making meals for myself, even at big family events I would be more comfortable eating the left-overs a few hours after everyone else had left the table when I could just do things for myself.
I have this type of attachment style. Growing up, I was often described as the good girl since I was always calm, quiet and did everything by myself with minimal help. My parents never had to remind me to do my homework or study. They didn't necessarily need to help me with my studies. I sorta did most of the work by myself. I want to open up and be vulnerable but when I actually do, I always feel horrible afterwards. I feel like being vulnerable makes me very weak and even more prone to pain.
My parents did their best to raise us. They were just always so busy with work and taking care of my little brother that they almost never had enough time for me. We rarely eat together nor even have any meaningful conversations. They just made sure I had my physical needs met. They thought that as long as I was physically healthy then I'm fine. It didn't help that I got bullied at school a lot but I just eventually learned to suck it up. I had no one to confide in and at times when I get upset I would be called selfish for only thinking about my feelings. That's how I learned that no one really cares how I feel so why bother?
Nice reflection... Keep going.
So sad, that this happens. I see alot has to do with environment and what happens to a person shapes them to who the become . Good video! Straight to the point!
Going through a breakup with an avoidant is really painful. I feel so bad for them. It’s horrible.
I knew before I'm an avoidant type. I've seen myself acting different and getting affection in a different way than some of my friends and I was curious to find out why. Since then, even though I'm still avoidant, I made improvements about my self worth and accepting myself and my needs as well. I could see myself now being avoidant but with some secure behaviors. I love the fact that I found your channel today. It's very easy and clear to listen to your videos. Thank you!🙏🏻 :)
Thank you Jacob. I'm nearly 39 and just figuring out why i attracted toxic relationships. You're videos are really helping me to understand. I score ambivalent attachment but can relate to being avoidant.
Very well said! I'm convinced that my now ex boyfriend has this disorder! 😐 It's so frustrating for the other person because we try so hard to show them that we care and truly love them. But the slightest discomfort (physically and or verbally), they run, or avoid you like the plague! My now ex boyfriend just ended things by ghosting me. As hurtful as it is, I'm kind of glad because I can't live the rest of my life walking on eggshells!
Disorder?
@@ColocasiaCorm Avoidant personality disorder exists, although I don't like to automatically diagnose people with that.
Even if they have issue they shouldn't have ghosted you, that's really disrespectful. I hope every avoidant realize how toxic this is
I was with that baby for 1.5 years and I really felt empathy for her and wanted to help but she never understood and pushed me away all the time
I feel very conflicted about this because I think I partially developed this style, not completely but in a great extent, when I was younger I was told several times that I cried too much and whenever I decided to show my true emotions I was ridiculized and underestimated, sometimes by my own family, by teachers and so on.
I learnt in a very early stage in life that most of the times you have to play the game in order to survive, obviously I’m well driven and have all the confidence to get what I want in terms of materialism or career but I don’t know how to handle my emotions very well, I loathe feeling vulnerable but I hate even more to SHOW vulnerability,whenever I need to cry I never let myself cry in front of anybody, I look myself at the mirror and say “Not everybody deserves your tears”.
I like people relying on me but I hate asking for anything, I prefer to be the one helping instead of being the one helped. I can also be aloof, unsympathetic and condescending that sometimes I forget that I have pretended for so long the character that it’s in me which is not helpful since I hate to feel compromised, loath when people want to know more about me or want to force themselves into my personal space, did I mention that I need a lot of time to be alone by myself?.
the thing is, that once all those material goals are achieved, you'll start to feel disconected with the real world, bored and sometimes you will feel like you don't know what to do with yourself and since you don't have meaningful relationships whatsoever you'll find yourself trying to fill that void with sex, work or whatever else which is not gonna solve the problem, hence we need to start sorting out life at least little by little.
I’ve excersiced some of my weakness and have relaxed a little bit, hey It's not easy at all, I hurts like a bitch and you cannot stop it one day just because you wanted and felt that day particularly good, don't fool yourself.
I moved abroad and the mindset and lifestyle is more in accordance of my way of being but I also felt like I got a new start, I feel more confident but not condescending, reserved but not aloof and sometimes I have to remind me that I’m being too hard on myself and need to relax, this year has been great but I still have a lot to work on but I really hope everybody that has been through this, can overcome it and learn that the future generations children need to be hugged a lot, listened to a lot and of course to be loved immensely, I’m not sure about wanting them in my life yet but hell would I want my children to endure all of these situations without them knowing that I’d love them immensely and support them. Best wishes for everybody ❤.
I would think fr my whole life that theres no point in expressing my feelings to others. At times of desperation, the inability to express my feelings is really frustrating
Bravo !!! I have never seen any thing as clear and well put about attachment !
At the beginning of this year,
the man whom I revered as my best friend,
abandoned and betrayed me.
In an instant, just like that, out of the blue...
He discarded and replaced me.
I guess it wasn't real friendship.
I'd like to say it must have been love...
But really, it must have been a trauma bond.
It's been over 8 months,
and I'm still healing...
REMINDER TO SELF:
Life/LOVE
is just trying so hard, doing its very best
to wake you up, out of the prison cell...
You don’t even know you're in!
I never knew I was avoidant until I saw this holy fuck
hope this insight will propel your growth.
I've been on a healing journey for some time. It's good to finally receive this information. So, it can finally reveal itself to me.
This is so accurate to me and my inner self-my inner self that I desperately try to hide-it’s terrifying. I was just mouth agape, as I listened to you, sentence after sentence, describing my innermost feelings and holes in my psyche. You are brilliant. I wish I could do counseling with you.
thank you for the compliment! i hope you can find someone to help you along your journey.
Hello there, how are you doing? I am currently doing research on the subject, as I do want people to overcome this attachment style. Would you like to contribute? I'd like to have insight on how it feels for people like you to be in everyday social situations, what have you tried to do that you feel that actually worked and what would you like to see others doing or not doing at all that would help you bridge the gap in relationships and overcome your challenges? I can share my email if you'd like to contribute - 385anamedina at gmail dot com
never have I ever been so called out
Thank you! One of the better videos about avoidant attachment. Very insightful, objective yet compassionate. Make More!!!
The song the fits Avoidant attached people is "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson among others.
watching this while secretly crying hits differently
Perfectly expressed yearning for being known while still hiding...
This video made me cry because that was me.
For your healing process I suggest to learn to spot narcissistic people. They will always hurt you when you are being vulnerable. My parents use to do this all the time. So if you really want to heal and being yourself as a human, be prepared because some people just wanna see you down.
I was quiet as a baby. My dad died when I was 3, living my mom with 3 kids. I'm the eldest. My mom was always busy working which made her emotionally unavailable. So I always have to fend for myself to not cause trouble to my mom. I've always been highly independent. I grew up to be a high achiever with few friends. And I struggled a lot with romantic relationships since I push anyone who even dare try climb my walls. 😢 But I'm ok now, I'm engaged to a person with secure attachment style. And I'm trying to be not as avoidant anymore. It's hard for the both of us but we're working it out. And he's so understanding.
great. the Cowan's research suggests that this dynamic (secure male; insecure female) still has good outcomes for children. hope that gives you hope.
@@JacobHamPhD thank you so much! Good to know!
I wish you luck to the both of you!
Wow you just described me at 27 years old... it hurts because I know how painful my childhood was when my dad was never there.
The human condition! Amazing job Jacob and Thomas!
I hate having the avoidant attachment style. It sucks even more being introverted. While it all stems from childhood trauma, it’s something I’m working to overcome now that I’ve recognised it.
This is so spot on. I'm crying.
Wow. Blown away by how accurate this is.
This clearly defines both my childhood and my life, in all regards. Thank you for the video, your explanations are really cool and they help me on my way to know myself so that I can find the tools to be and have a better, or perhaps I should say, to heal my "self".
Hey Brian. How's your progress going? Did you feel the video helped you get better in touch with yourself? I'm learning about people who have this attachment style and i do want to help them overcome their challenges so I'm asking those who experienced it to give insight on the subject. What have you tried that worked out for you? What could others do to help you overcome the challenges?
Hey, thanks for reaching out.
Well, actually I'm one of the most extreme cases of AvPD you'll encounter. I always pulled the plug on everyone, it's been over a decade I cut contact with my family (everyone except a brother I write with every two months just to confirm I'm alive :p).
I couldn't hold onto a relationship and would always quit my job after a year or so, and now I work online which was what I always wanted, and now I know why (of course, little to none social interaction).
I've been moving from city to city every year or so for the past decade as well, I know, I'm running away from the possibility of getting people too close to me, and I'm holding myself now from even going to another country. Not that traveling is bad, but I now came to understand why I always want to go elsewhere and never want friends or people with me no matter how kind they are or have been to me.
This is not easy, but I'm fighting back by analyzing my childhood and trying to be warmer with people. I'm also actively involved in a self-knowledge school where I volunteer giving lectures, forcing myself to step in front of people has helped me, and self-psychoanalysis is also helpful.
I have a long way to go I know, but realizing what I had was key to begin to heal. I know I'm currently not ready to date again, fear of intimacy is still there, but I'm confident I will be in the coming future and if I have a son or daughter I'll make sure not to pass these same traumas onto them.
The video really helped me to understand my disorder, it's one of the best on UA-cam. And I also love Jacob's final phrase: "deep inside, everyone needs other people to survive", which is true because I want intimacy and closeness but find it really hard to allow myself to get there.
Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I came to rewatch the video and saw your response just now
I am 21 years old. I have never had a real, close friendship or an emotional relationship at all. I avoid talking about anything personal or the closest person and share my problems with him. I always felt like he was weak. One day I saw a girl crying at university. My reaction was that I laughed and tried with difficulty to hide my laughter. It seemed as if I had no feelings. But in truth, I feel disgusted by showing weakness and tears in front of others. I have now discovered that I am an avoidant personality.
When I go to school, I'm automatically joyful, even tho, when I'm sitting at the bus I repeat and reapet over to show my actual self and try getting help, but as soon as I see the people I'm friends with, I just snap into joyful mode
These animations are so good - very emotional.
I am definitely avoidant!
Me too
you described me from head to toe
This video is great, so smart and accurate! Thanks!
Wow, thanks for clarifying. This video was great!
its so good to listen and relate but also see all the comments and realise i am not alone in this. Its like i always knew i am like this but i have never known any different but it is effecting my relationship so much and its so confusing because i want to connect more and be open with my feelings but its so hard. Hiding away is so easy and feels normal but yet i want to be vulnerable so much it hurts. If anyone has any advice or anything that has helped or even just wants to chat please reach out to me!
Wow loved how you explained this ! Your method is so different than others, I’m a visual learner so this resonated with clearly ! Thank you. So much ! 🙏🏾♥️
your voice sounds so comforting it makes me sad :((
i know exactly what you mean! Like when you're searching for someone to help you have a good cry and you didn't even know you needed it.
I know this is what I am
Star Chyld333 me too.
Same here... in fact, I just erased my comment because I thought ''nobody is going to care if they ever read this'', so to actually post it: I recently found out this is my attachment style and I have no doubts about it. And I know what messed me up - i'm a young woman and my dad was and is very emotionally abusive and neglectful, so, as a child and teenager I just learned to go to my room and not be with them (my mother enabled his behavior, but is a nurturing person herself, often the one who cared even a little about what frustrated me, although i had no tools to actually express myself). Being together with my family consisted of being told ''grow up, stop doing that'' when it was perfectly fine to be a child and play, and when I was in pain or needed emotional support, the caregiver would go ''you're just faking it'' or ''you're being ridiculous!'', so I avoided showing them any emotion or even telling them about what's going on in my life - because I knew I would just get hurt. I developed a mild depression when i was 13/14 and although I was never formally diagnosed, to this day I struggle with suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety over minor but negative events with my family because of never feeling like I was a part of ''them''. If any dad here is reading this, please, show your kids it's okay to have emotions and respond to them when they seek emotional support, this messed me up for the foreseeable future and I don't know if I'll ever be normal.
Star Chyld333 same
@@YueClaudia we basically have the same experience. Except it was my mom who was emotionally unavailable due to working long hours. She was a single mom as my dad died when I was 3. And the moment I confide in her about any of my troubles, she'd just get angry. So I learned to bottle up my emotions. If it were not for my stepfather and his family who showed me love and affection, I probably would have been really depressed. They did provide me some sort of healing. To feel loved. I am forever grateful to them.
I hope you're in a better place now. Don't worry it gets better.
On a slightly more wholesome note than the other comments here, as an avoidant myself. On the classroom scenario I would act just like in the video, but I also managed to get pretty close to one of my friends at the time, and would whisper my questions to him, and he would ask them to the teacher. Also, whenever the teacher said something like "that's a nice question", he would go "It's her question actually!".
He was a great friend
that's a sweet story
Thank you so much for your work, Dr. Ham. Your work is appreciated. Not only this video but many of yours are great content videos. I look forward to your new video in the future, 🙏🙂
it’s so weird watching a video explain exactly how you are. idek how i got to this video but many it’s a sign i should change 😅
Dont know why i love this video so much
I feel attacked
i am happy i found this video, i've been a class clown-loner type of person on a weird way, i wouldn't talk to a person if they didn't pursue me but if i becoma friends with a person i am extremely comfortable on that friendship. I feel like i have so many friends but not so much close friends. I've caught feelings for a girl who are in the same friend group as me. We really get along, we are talking and laughing all the time, i have some 'clues' that i think she has feelings for me too but i can not accept the fact that somebody loves me. I wouldn't say i am a good looking person or a bad looking person, just above the average, i feel like i am a smart and a sensefull person but i have that "why would anyone love me?", "I'm not the person to be loved" thoughts all over my head. I expressed my feelings to a one person about her to help me think about it but i instantly regretted it, although that person did nothing after i expressed my feeling i feel like it should've been best not to do it. This video helped me much and gave me new ways to think, Thank you.
It's the first time in my life I relate to a video on this level
wow, cool. i hope it helps.
why everyone needs others to survive?i just feel like im uncomfortable when i need or have to rely on someone
Sometimes being alone is the only way to survive. But, the baby and small child need others to survive. That's why they work so hard to adapt to whatever parenting they get.
😭😭 you have just described my entire life and I tend to over share and over compensate then punish myself silently after that. I expect everyone to leave. N I don't ask for help
Best info on this topic!!! Amazing
cool!
Thank you for putting this into words so well. You made it really interesting and easy to understand, and you have a very nice voice. I hope now that I am learning about these things I'll be able to connect with people better
best of luck, my dear.
i feel very called out....
Please keep the videos coming!
I wish I could. I'm out of money and opportunity for now! At least, subscribe to my blog: drjacobham.com. I'll still try to make something it won't be as well produced.
Wow. Dr. Ham has a great speaking voice. I think my friend may be an avoider. Really great dates but as soon as he saw I was developing emotions, he pulled away citing that he was too busy with work.
thanks for the compliment.
Me when he whipped out the class clown bit: 👁👄👁
I feel called out XD this was very "me" as a child. I've gotten better with expressing my emotions over time, but still..
yeah, it's hard to stop for sure.
Wow. This is eerily accurate.
thank you. it's from years of observing.
They grow up, and they're still babies
It seems that as we grow we just layer more and more self on top of the younger ones, but they are all still in there.
Hey look, someone cared enough about us to make a video about us!
Lol.