Getting Help for Complicated Grief
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- Опубліковано 13 чер 2017
- Katherine Shear, MD, explains complicated grief, how it differs from bereavement, and how you can find treatment and relief.
If you or a loved one is seeking more information on treatment:
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If you or a loved one is experiencing a crisis, please call or text 988, available 24/7
- The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), a non-profit organization, leads in education, training, and research for anxiety disorders, depression, PTSD, OCD, and co-occurring disorders. ADAA also provides free evidence-based mental health information and resources to the public.
My mom couldn’t love me and 2 of my sisters. She only had the capacity to love my brother (the golden child) and 1 sister (there were 5 of us,) who gave her the fawning worship that she required at all times, or she wouldn’t speak to her own child until they came back with that fawning worship attitude. My brother and the one sister were able to give that to her. My brothers wife wasn’t able to and was actually quite rude to her and my dad, but somehow got secondary status as a favorite child by virtue of being married to my brother. The 3 of us remaining daughters spent decades not knowing what we were doing wrong, desperately trying to curry favor and achieve things that would get us the parental love from our mothers that we craved. It was never going to happen. One of my sisters began to lash out and say horrible things about my mother and about the most obvious golden child (my brother) and his wife. That didn’t help, and drove a bigger wedge between the golden children and those of us on the outs as everyone lumped us into one camp. My parents moved to be away from the sister who was lashing out, and in the same small town as my brother. That drove a further wedge. I really kept trying harder and harder to get my mother to acknowledge me, to love me, to give me some indication that I was a valid person. She couldn’t do it. I wasn’t doing anything that would make her turn me away. I would watch shows about addicts and sometimes how their mothers enabled them, and sometimes I would feel jealous of their bond and the unconditional love the mother would give to the addict. Or when someone would murder and their mother would still support them, I felt jealous of that bond. Because my mother was treating me like I had done something heinous or horrible, and couldn’t give me the kind of parental love that even a murderer often got from his mother.
She died a few weeks ago. And I know that I’m experiencing complicated grief, which is very different than acute grief. I hear people who had unconditionally loving relationships with their parents talk about losing their mother, and I know I don’t feel exactly the same way. I wish I could have resolved the things between us at the end when I knew she was terminal, and I tried to go to her and speak to her. But there was a wall between us, and she and my sister in law spewed invective at me. Even as she was dying. I told my therapist and my husband every detail, and they agreed that I did nothing wrong in this situation. She had a troubled childhood, which turned her into a narcissist, and I, as the youngest, wasn’t ever loved as I should have been. I was a neglected child. I realize that now. I show all of the classic signs. And I now have to work through the strange and difficult process of healing from my neglectful childhood, while also dealing with the complicated grief of losing the mother that I loved and hated. And who couldn’t ever really love me. It’s hurtful and I cry a lot and get angry a lot. Thanks for reading this if you made it to the end.
I’m in my third year now. First year was the best year for the most part for me because I was in shock and numb. Second year was absolutely the worst time of my 58 years of life here on earth. That’s the year that I realized my Mom really wasn’t actually coming back, etc. She transitioned unexpectedly, suddenly, and pretty quickly. Plus I was there to go through it all with her in those moments. That in turn caused either complicated grief and or PTSD for me. I had to do a lot of work on myself as best I could, when I could. A lot of crap comes out, which is good. I was so so stuck and had the darkest ugliest cloud hanging over my head the whole time. Couldn’t get out from under it. It feels like you’re way deep down in a dark cold hole in the ground and you just have to do your best to claw your way up. But then you fall back down again and have to try again when you can. Repeated that over and over again. I could function ok with my small business. That was like a distraction. I didn’t want to go to work but had to in order to pay my bills. But driving home the crying and memories, etc. would start, so would be crying all the way home. It wasn’t until the end of second year that I realized that the whole experience had been an emotional trauma. Hadn’t seen it that way before. So I tried to begin to be nicer and easier on myself. Do little things to pamper myself. But aIso was also having flashbacks of the whole thing, also being triggered by the smallest thing. That would shoot me down again. If I would get startled by something I would and still do, go straight to rage. It’s awful. It’s better now but still there. Had it this morning. Grief is the wildest roller coaster ride. Up and down, back and forth, upside down then all over again and again. You’re not going crazy. You are normal. It feels like it will never end. You don’t understand how your body can create such an unlimited amount of tears. Your solar plexus hurts bad. It’s frustrating because you cannot bring them back. You really don’t move on, you learn to live with it. You can move forward with the pain. It did get better for me but it does not go away. It’s more like it eases up. There are longer periods of time between the Grief Attacks. David Kessler is someone you can watch on You Tube. He said something one time to the effect that you need your grief (your story) to be heard. I think that’s true and I think that’s what I now need. He actually is a grief counselor and unfortunately he himself had a son die, so he really understand grief a whole lot better now. I think I need other humans who are objective (not family) who witnesses my story of my experience. That might help me. Not sure. Writing this long comment feels like it’s helping me. I don’t even care if anyone reads it. I’m getting my stuff out. That does help. My mom was the best mom ever. She also happened to be my best friend. So I think it was in the beginning of this third year that it dawned on me that not only is my mom gone, but my best friend is too. So can’t talk to my best friend about my mom being gone cause she was both. That’s not fun either. I did reach out to my local place for grief. They emailed back but I haven’t replied back yet. One thing I thought of within these last 4 months or so and it has helped me a bit. My mom survived her own mom’s death, so maybe I can do the same. Think of all the humans in this Universe that has had a loved one pass on before them, and somehow they trudged through the brutal grief, they did go on with their lives, maybe with the pain, but they did it. You won’t always want to keep living, doesn’t mean your suicidal. You might want to go be with them, doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself. It’s all normal feelings. You may shower less, may not want to get out of bed or go to a job. You might not want to talk to anyone, see anyone, etc. All normal in grief. One moment you’ll be perfectly fine, the next minute you melt to the floor and cry so badly that you feel like you are dying. It passes. Then it happens again and again. I had no idea this is what real grief would be. I’ve had other loved ones pass. When you are truly bonded and love someone, does not matter who they are, it’s unbelievably horrendous and ugly when they go. Sorry to be a Debby Downer but this was my experience. Might not be yours. We all do it differently. Reach out for help or suggestions or a friend who will actually listen. Distraction can also be helpful but also acknowledge your pain and grief. Realize you have to feel it. It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just simply incredibly painful. I know my mom is perfectly fine and incredibly happy. I do still talk to her but I’m in such pain sometimes that I can’t hear her. I believe in life after death or there really is no death. But you still miss their physical beingness. Peace & love to All!🕊🌞🕊
I feel your pain. 💜
Thank you for putting much of my experience in words. I lost my son and father within a few weeks from one another. I have found that staying on a schedule, time in nature and exercise as well as talking with people has really helped. If something happens like injuring my neck it is awhile before I can get back on track. Wish you as much love and luck as is possible. Thanks
Thank you, my Mom died May 1, 2022, I had depression before she died, now I'm grieving and depressed.
Thank you for expressing your honest feelings as you did. I read every word. I feel pretty much exactly as you do. Mom passed June 11, 2022 and I’m struggling very much. She and I were basically twins. We did everything together. She’s who I talked to, shopped with, went on long daily walks with. There’s no part of my life that didn’t include her. She went from ER to hospital to hone hospice to passing in a week. A horrible week where everything that could go wrong did. I stayed with her 24/7 and said a million times I loved her, but we spent the time in the hospital stressed and scared; not really being told what was happening no matter how many times I asked, yet not being able to go home. An unnecessary biopsy of her lung that collapsed it. Home hospice was nothing more than dosing her with morphine until she was unresponsive and stayed that way til she passed. Now I’m totally alone. I have dogs, but they aren’t the emotional support I need. An online business that distracts me, but I have such a hard time concentrating. Like you I can’t talk to my best friend anymore because that was Mom. Right now there’s really not much to live for. I hope that changes, but I’m in that hole you mentioned; trying to find anything to hold onto. I pray, do the rosary, watch and read and have immersed myself in the grief process. In the end, however, nothing fixes this. You can talk all you want, but it doesn’t bring them back. Life is just about survival now; especially when you don’t have kids, spouse, or close friends that are there for you. Hoping you found some peace since you wrote this response. Let us know if you can.
Some of your story sounds like what I went through with my Mom, she had morphine too, I was anxious about her not making it, sadly, she didn't.
This is the first time I heard anyone express like I do. I have an anxiety disorder, and losing my mom was extremely intense and no I have like a "survivor's guilt" I feel guilty about being happy or alive. I get the feeling of having a cloud over your and you seem to need to stay close to it to not lost someone you really loved. I feel guilty about having happy feelings because she cant have them too. It hurts a lot
I pray my best friend's story will be a help to you. Jesus loves you!
Precious Memories-By Sonya Lakey
Family Story
Little did our family of six know that Friday evening, September 24th, 2021, would be the last night our family would be complete. We laughed together, played games, sang, and enjoyed listening as our 16-year-old son, Ethan, played the piano for us. I packed a lunch for Ethan for a church mountain hike he was going on the following day.
My mother (who was visiting from out of state) and I woke early with Ethan on Saturday morning. He hugged me and smiled, never pulling away or rushing me. He got in the car, waved, said he'd see me later and he loved me. It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan. He did not make it home that evening.
That afternoon, a friend tried to contact my husband, leaving an urgent message to call him back. He tried several times to return the call to no avail. As we were preparing supper, an overwhelming feeling of deep concern for Ethan filled my heart. I quietly blinked back tears. I glanced out the window, half expecting to see a police officer pull up to the house, but no one arrived. However, within a few minutes, a patrol car DID pull into the driveway. In my heart, I feared the worst. My husband and I went out to meet the officer, who confirmed our fears. Hesitantly, he told us our son had fallen off of
a bluff and had succumbed to his injuries. Our hearts were crushed; they still are.
Yet, in all of our brokenness, deep, continual grief and loneliness, our family has such a blessed Hope and assurance that we will see our dear son and brother again. You see, when Ethan was a young boy, he was saved; he put his faith in Jesus alone to forgive his sins and to take him to Heaven when he died. He realized some very important truths from the Bible that he would want to share with you.
His Story
Everyone is a sinner. Sin is any violation of God’s Law. God is holy, just and righteous, and He cannot allow sin in His presence. Ethan realized that he - like all of us - had sinned; and his sin separated Him from God.
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; ” (Romans 3:23)
“Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” (Romans 5:12)
He understood that, because of his sin, he deserved to spend eternity in Hell.
“For the wages of sin is death;” (Romans 6:23a) [Wages: price]
“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8)
Ethan believed that Jesus, God’s Son, paid the price for all sin when He died on the cross - because His sinless sacrifice was the only thing that could satisfy the just demands of a righteous, holy God. Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, but He arose the third day, triumphant over sin, death, and Hell. Jesus is alive today!
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Ethan was sorry for his sin, repented (turned), and received by faith the free gift that God offered to him.
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13)
“...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23b)
Because of this great salvation, Ethan lived his life serving Jesus. He worked hard to spread this Good News to the world. He is alive in Heaven with Jesus today; and because of this great HOPE in Christ, we know we will see him again soon - not because he was a great kid, but because of his faith in the great Saviour!
“And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28)
Your Story
What about you? What if you had fallen to your death that day - What if you were to die today? Where will you spend eternity - Heaven or the Lake of Fire? There will not be any parties in the Lake of Fire. It is a place of eternal torment for those who reject God's Son.
The Word of God is very clear that there is only One Way to Heaven.
“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6)
We did not know that Ethan would step into eternity that day; however, because he put his faith in Jesus alone for his salvation, Ethan was ready to go. Some day - perhaps today - you will take your last breath here on earth, and you will step into eternity. Where you spend eternity is determined by what you do with Jesus Christ. Will you accept Him or reject Him? You are not promised another day or another breath. Eternity begins soon - Are you ready?
“...Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” (Acts 16:31b)
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13)
“(...behold, now is the day of salvation.)” (2 Corinthians 6:2c)
******************************
This testimony has been made into a tract form as well, so if you or your church are interested in having them to pass out, please go to libertyfaith.net and you will find the contact info there. God bless!
Tribute to Ethan Lakey
ua-cam.com/video/EhobcQZ6Qb8/v-deo.html
It's been a year now , worse not better for me, have guilt
its been 7 months for me and constantly having panic attacks..never thought grief could be sooo hard
Grief is brutal, for quite some time.
@@betha8761 grief for my Doesnt come in waves like they say they do
It takes years to grieve, and will come in waves. Never let anyone tell you that you have to get over something in a hurry, healings take time , lots of time
Allow me to share my best friend's story of true hope. I pray it is a help to you.
Precious Memories-By Sonya Lakey
Family Story
Little did our family of six know that Friday evening, September 24th, 2021, would be the last night our family would be complete. We laughed together, played games, sang, and enjoyed listening as our 16-year-old son, Ethan, played the piano for us. I packed a lunch for Ethan for a church mountain hike he was going on the following day.
My mother (who was visiting from out of state) and I woke early with Ethan on Saturday morning. He hugged me and smiled, never pulling away or rushing me. He got in the car, waved, said he'd see me later and he loved me. It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan. He did not make it home that evening.
That afternoon, a friend tried to contact my husband, leaving an urgent message to call him back. He tried several times to return the call to no avail. As we were preparing supper, an overwhelming feeling of deep concern for Ethan filled my heart. I quietly blinked back tears. I glanced out the window, half expecting to see a police officer pull up to the house, but no one arrived. However, within a few minutes, a patrol car DID pull into the driveway. In my heart, I feared the worst. My husband and I went out to meet the officer, who confirmed our fears. Hesitantly, he told us our son had fallen off of
a bluff and had succumbed to his injuries. Our hearts were crushed; they still are.
Yet, in all of our brokenness, deep, continual grief and loneliness, our family has such a blessed Hope and assurance that we will see our dear son and brother again. You see, when Ethan was a young boy, he was saved; he put his faith in Jesus alone to forgive his sins and to take him to Heaven when he died. He realized some very important truths from the Bible that he would want to share with you.
His Story
Everyone is a sinner. Sin is any violation of God’s Law. God is holy, just and righteous, and He cannot allow sin in His presence. Ethan realized that he - like all of us - had sinned; and his sin separated Him from God.
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; ” (Romans 3:23)
“Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” (Romans 5:12)
He understood that, because of his sin, he deserved to spend eternity in Hell.
“For the wages of sin is death;” (Romans 6:23a) [Wages: price]
“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8)
Ethan believed that Jesus, God’s Son, paid the price for all sin when He died on the cross - because His sinless sacrifice was the only thing that could satisfy the just demands of a righteous, holy God. Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, but He arose the third day, triumphant over sin, death, and Hell. Jesus is alive today!
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Ethan was sorry for his sin, repented (turned), and received by faith the free gift that God offered to him.
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13)
“...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23b)
Because of this great salvation, Ethan lived his life serving Jesus. He worked hard to spread this Good News to the world. He is alive in Heaven with Jesus today; and because of this great HOPE in Christ, we know we will see him again soon - not because he was a great kid, but because of his faith in the great Saviour!
“And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28)
Your Story
What about you? What if you had fallen to your death that day - What if you were to die today? Where will you spend eternity - Heaven or the Lake of Fire? There will not be any parties in the Lake of Fire. It is a place of eternal torment for those who reject God's Son.
The Word of God is very clear that there is only One Way to Heaven.
“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6)
We did not know that Ethan would step into eternity that day; however, because he put his faith in Jesus alone for his salvation, Ethan was ready to go. Some day - perhaps today - you will take your last breath here on earth, and you will step into eternity. Where you spend eternity is determined by what you do with Jesus Christ. Will you accept Him or reject Him? You are not promised another day or another breath. Eternity begins soon - Are you ready?
“...Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” (Acts 16:31b)
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13)
“(...behold, now is the day of salvation.)” (2 Corinthians 6:2c)
******************************
This testimony has been made into a tract form as well, so if you or your church are interested in having them to pass out, please go to libertyfaith.net and you will find the contact info there. God bless!
Tribute to Ethan Lakey
ua-cam.com/video/EhobcQZ6Qb8/v-deo.html
They talk about it like it's something that heals 🤨🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣