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Substance Disorder happens on an instictual level involving self betterment in form of biohacking, since BPD or not, you need the necessary sensitivity.
To your point about this chameleon behaviour, it's somewhat of an ability and can be trained. Being able to excite yourself about whatever thing and then mimicry someones mastery of it, improves learning rate by alot.
I think that borderline people are very sensitive and gather easily deep wounds and they have adopted their reactive ways in order to deplete fast any perceived threats because they hurt deeply, also they choose to numb their pains too fast and are in need to learn important coping strategies to avoid becoming toxic bullies degenerates.
Is there a monthly payment or something? I can't really be paying 30 for a single session. :( Plus a monthly subscription would "force" me to actually commit to doing it :O
I think an important point is that people who have BPD don't feel like they are *pretending* to like the interests of others. They get caught up and lost in the energy.
The pain is so intense, like my soul is dying all too often....thank you so much for speaking of it in the way you do!!! It makes sense. Also, the self harm is explained so well because that's how it feels. It instantly stops the emotional pain and you can breathe.
Legit. All it takes for me to internally spiral downwards emotional is something very slight. It's maddening because I am ultimately powerless over how people treat me.
I’m pretty much like this these days because of my undiagnosed BPD I’ve had no doubt for many years. And when I get p!ssed off I be like this when I’m devalued and disrespected. It eats at me when I get mad because I’m not kind and I have trouble at calming myself down or calm down after doing my bad side in my behaviour and attitude. I call myself the hulk when I’m angry. I’m so new to BPD and it’s a new diagnosis for me.
Hunnit, I was chatting with a chick we kinda started a thing I got attached to that attention, then she got distant, and now I sit here alone in my own head
Thank you for being a creator who actually acknowledges the high recovery rate to BPD instead of creating a narrative that we're hopeless. I no longer meet the criteria after 15 years of hard work and I'm just so grateful to hear a video that mentions this.
For me, the worst part of BPD is the feeling of unbearable guilt that leads me to very dark places. I have my own likings, I like to stand on a stable ground by myself, I tend to do hardest things by myself. I deal with my feelings on my own, there are good and bad days as for everybody. But whenever I break my own pattern, usually with my anger, rage, even if I stop myself on time, I tend to feel guilty about it for days and days and that's what's destroying me the most.
You might try self-empathy, that has worked wonders for me. I just ask myself about my needs and emotions. And after i have got carried away i offer empathy both to the part that got carried away and the inner critic that is berating this part for the mistake
I'm the same way. Even when someone DOES do something not nice to me, I feel awful about the way I react to it. I know it's extreme, but I also feel in extremes. I wish people would understand, though I know I must do better to get that people will never get "it"
My grandpa called it 'Tender hearted syndrome'. He told me before he passed that life is going to be hard for me because I had tender hearted syndrome. Later on I was diagnosed with BPD. You are the first person I have listened to that described it well. I had a lot of trauma growing up. Therapy really helped. I'm coming off of my meds now because I am stagnating in therapy. I need to feel them to move forward. Healing is possible. Hard. Oh it is so hard. But I believe it will be worth it.
@@xdmztryvsvedine2773 Therapy saved my life and my husband's. It really is worth it. There is a lot of heartache finding a good therapist but they are out there.
I legit started crying when you mentioned how people with BPD suffer emotionally because I thought about all the time people thought I was being irrationally upset, and there was something wrong with me for feeling the intensity of the emotions I did. To actually hear someone say it out loud...it is not a feeling I can easily describe
It happened to me too when my close friends and boyfriend at the time urged me to do research. I was scared because of my previous history with the medical field but mental is completely different so I looked into it. I bursted out in tears because it was like whoever wrote about the symptoms and causes of the disorder were writing out my life. It was painful and even still I deny it so much. It’s hard to reach for help for a diagnosis too. It’s not like I’m unaware but it’s something that’s difficult to catch during episodes and correct the behavior and the emotions are so strong
@someone Personality disorder sufferers , Are stuck in fight or flight mode , It can be changed though, First of all , Stop beating your self up , Find self , Speak to self , Research into the fight or flight patterns of people , We as sufferers tend to be stuck in fight or flight mode , But you can switch it , By finding self .
Well...to be fair many of those times you were being irrational upset. You may have been feeling things extremely, however that doesn't change the behavior u exhibited. Don't start using these videos as an excuse mechanism to rationalize your bad behavior.
I suffer with BPD. it is exhausting. I loose my temper and then will be physically sick for days. The guilt eats me alive. My first husband ended his life before I was diagnosed. The fact that I am still alive without him breaks my heart. My last words to him was in anger. Guilt and regret is with me everyday.
I was crying the whole way through. It felt like the first time that (despite having a clinical diagnosis) a medical professional actually understands the struggles I deal with and actually validate those struggles. Thank you for doing what you do.
Best of luck to you! I have my own different issues btw. Something I always need to remember is that we're all just completely individual people first and foremost.
I have BPD and with years of dialectical behavior therapy and mood stabilizers I finally managed to hold down a job and I stayed out of all relationships for 4 years. Now I'm making friends but not clingy to them. I haven't hurt myself in years. And I just started to try dating again. I spend 14 years struggling and now I'm 29 and I feel like I'm finally standing on stable ground.
The fact that Harvard denied your acceptance multiple times before finally letting you in will forever blow my everloving mind. You are light years ahead of most U.S. psychiatrists. I'm so grateful. Thank you for all that you do.
Stopped in on this video to learn more about one of my friends, to understand them better. To anyone suffering from this illness, know I am proud of you, even if you don't feel proud of yourself. I'm just a random stranger, hoping I can grow closer to someone who means the world to me.
To see what is viewed as a flaw in someone and still wish to help and be around them. That's a true friend. Keep it up! I thank you and I'm sure your friend will forever be grateful
I recently got diagnosed with BPD as an adult and came across this video. The part where he's describing how BPD brains can pick up if someone is unhappy at 30% just hit me hard because that feels so accurate. I could mildly inconvienece someone by bumping their shopping cart and spilling their drink and then think that person is still annoyed with me by the time I go to sleep
And imagine feeling and reacting to those 30% all the time in our friendships, romantic relationships and with family. My ex always used to say "you always knlw how I feel before I do". I struggle with listening to words and actions because I only hear the energy. 😔
@@MCP920 haha, i hate bpd 9/10 i would rate it my favorite personality disorder just cuz i have it maybe, i thought i had depression but i been studying on personally disorders and think i have bpd, almost thought i had psychosis too. idk if i have bpd maybe going to get checked out also i’m a teen. sry abou the goofy ahh long reply, just wanted to say i relate to ur comment 👍 but we up 🗣️🔥🔥🔥💯👍
@@jacobstdenis4055 I find a lot of overlapping with my disorders. I’m older now, but have struggled since my memories from around age 3. I used to become frustrated because it was all trial and error treatments. It isn’t like something you can have your blood drawn and get an answer. I’ve fortunately figured out that it’ll be alright. I realized I’ve never not had this, so I don’t know any different. I do grieve some of the people I’ve lost, but I have a handful that stick it out with me. Hope you’re doing well.
My sister was diagnosed not long ago and it is very hard to understand her. I like that watching these videos are helping me understand her better, but that part of the video also made so much sense to me. She often gets confrontational accusing us of being mad and we have never understood why, but with this new information I have a better idea to make our relationship less volatile at least on my end.
I was diagnosed with BPD almost 10 years ago. I am proud to say I have beat this disorder. It was a long journey but I no longer have any of the 9 criteria, which when I was first diagnosed I had all of them. It took a lot of self-reflection and accountability; learning to love myself and allowing people to leave my life and understanding if they did that does not reflect my self-worth. This video is amazing! Thank you for the work and help you give to people! It is possible to heal from this disorder!
@Joltacks You seem to have a lot of big feelings. It is possible to overcome the BPD symptoms with therapy, and sometimes it takes a while, maybe it won’t be 100% perfect, but the point is to make your life manageable. Look up some DBT treatments near you, it’s the best known treatment for BPD with a pretty solid success rate.
Coming from someone who is undiagnosed but has almost all of the nine criteria, what are some tips for getting through this journey, did you have any aha moments?
@@donnalowe292 if possible see a professional. It could be BPD but it also could NOT be BPD. I understand mental health care isn’t available, affordable, or practical for everyone so no disrespect or condescension is intended.
Intense emotional suffering- they feel sadness, we feel the absolute depths of sorrow and grief. They feel slightly annoyed, we feel enraged. They feel happy, we feel ecstatic. Both a blessing and a curse. I've spent my entire life trying to control my BPD. Something most people without it don't understand is that is mentally exhausting keeping our emotions in check, if we are able. Everyday is a struggle and takes so much energy to not act out of turn. It's literally exhausting. We don't want to be this way, and most of us try our best to contain it.
We really don't want to be this way and the feeling of guilt/shame is so much worse when you know you can't control what you're feeling and how it's effecting loved ones around you
I wrote a text a short time ago explaining this level of intensity... the worst thing is that after the high always comes the low and whoever feels that high knows that we want that high as something to live for... but then when you have it nothing prevent this down!
It always feels like BPD content is directed towards people who have been harmed by someone with BPD. It’s nice to finally find a video that’s about the actual person with BPD
That's because they are destroying people in their lives. Instead of getting the help they need. THATS WHY. And everyone around them has to deal with their screw ups. Knowing full well the consequences of theie actions.
@@brockbrawn1524Anyone is capable of hurting someone, whether or not they have BPD. And you'd find that if you had the power to comb through and analyse the human race you'd probably be able to diagnose most people with something I have BPD and have strong healthy relationships. My illness was directed at myself rather than others, but it was people without BPD that traumatised me in my childhood Painting people with the same brush isn't helpful no matter the reason
@brockbrawn1524 you are part of the problem. Get help. Leave bpd people alone. Just cuz you had one shit experience doesn't immediately make all people with bpd bad. You can have bpd and be a good person or have bpd and be a bad person, just like with any other mental health issues or nuerotypical and mentally stable people. A disorder doesn't make you shit person, being a shit person makes you a shit person. Which YOU are a shit person for pushing stigma and lies.
As a person recovered from (and studying) BPD, one correction I would make is that people with BPD experience extremes of both attachment AND detachment-of idealization AND devaluation. So when we go through breakups, we actually don’t often mourn the relationship excessively for a longer than average amount of time. Rather, the pattern I’ve noticed in myself and friends with BPD is that we’re extremely miserable about it for a shorter amount of time, perhaps a month, and then all of a sudden there’s this instant detachment that happens and we flip into the opposite of the deep attachment we felt before. We suddenly feel indifferent to or even grossed out by the person we were just mourning intensely the previous night.
I agree. I didnt like how he focused on romantic relationships because I find with my BPD I create really co-dependant friendship duos that are super intense for a few months. I think this new person is the coolest person ever and idolize them but often times something just switches and one day I find them annoying, lame, and very uncool. This usually happens when I meet someone else and am starting the cycle over with them.
I couldn't agree more. Tbh, i have never felt more seen or understood. I feel like a lot of the stigma is people completely misunderstanding intentions as well as actions.
Yooo you hit the nail DIRECTLY on the head when you spoke about only being able to see the 30% anger despite 70% happiness - im realizing that this is why it’s so hard for me to interact with others sometimes because you can really tell when they’re uncomfortable and then once I notice discomfort I immediately feel it and can’t help but express it causing a loop of awkwardness/uncomfortableness
Dang it that's so true. For me it's that I can know how the other person feels about me and they maybe even said so recently. But one comment or sentence can make you think spiral and feel hurt. And if you are bold enough to bring it up it can hurt them and if you can't do it you get negative feelings towards them. It sucks ...
@@Wafer201 I'm trying to understand my friend who has this, no matter how much I tell Her I love her and everything's good - She's constantly going to just believe thats not true Because every interaction we have with each other isn't perfect. (She's not trying to get help with her disorder at all) So that's unfair to everyone else around who aren't even allowed to have normal human emotions because one little thing well absolutely set her off. 😓
As someone who suffers with this condition I want to say thank you. This was the most honest yet non judgmental explanation I've ever heard. It's nice to hear someone understand the why behind what we do and not cast us out to be horrible people. We can get better.
ikr! i’m diagnosed with bpd as well and honestly, it’s so spot on and it makes me feel so.. heard. i explain it to my partner and try to have him understand, but there is so many explanations that over saturate bpd and make it out to be a terrible thing. it’s really fucking hard dealing with this tho. but i remember when my psychiatrist diagnosed me when i was like 17, it felt like the most accurate diagnosis ever for me. i truly felt understood and then going to dbt group therapy as a support made me feel less alone. but yeah, i still struggle but i totally agree with you
@@natemate7328 Way worse. Guys don’t get the emotional support and understanding like girls do when they come forward about this stuff, especially went it comes to their partners. Had a girl I been talking to for a *year* stonewall me for going on multiple weeks now because of these issues I tried opening up about, and I doubt we’re going to be the sam if we ever pick back up. She apparently sees me as weak now and was hoping to be the one showered in emotional comfort and energy like most women I’ve talked to. Really hard having to fend for yourself all the time
@@natemate7328 depends on if the guy with BPD is violent and dangerous. The two guys I knew with BPD, one of them being my ex, are very violent and aggressive. They destroy furniture, hurt animals, and threaten people. It's understandable if they would get treatment, but even after being diagnosed they refuse therapy and terrorize the people close to them and then pretend that they're a victim with no self control.
This is probably 90% spot on for me. The fear of abandonment is because I HAVE been abandoned. I HAVE lost friendships. I HAVE lost romantic relationships. It's not an unreasonable fear.
I don't really become a chameleon because I have always been able to follow things that I am actually passionate about. I'm a creative/maker and go through a lot of different mediums, but that's pretty common with artists. But so much of what you've said rings true.
Yes but if you're old enough to be involved in a sexyal relationship then you're too old to be abandoned by anyone but yourself. Think about it. Personally I think there's a developmental stage people with bpd are stuck at which is 8 -9 months old when separation anxiety starts in infants
Yeah and those things caused it. Plus being in a relationship with someone who has similar issues it’s an intense chaotic roller coaster I’ve made that mistake before.
I got my BPD diagnosis at a fairly young age. I had the incredible privilege to go into very extensive therapy right when my symptoms started to spiral. One of the first things my therapist ever told me stuck with me, always: 'It's like being alive with no skin, Everything hurts, all the time. One single poke may mean nothing to someone with skin but with BPD it will hurt for hours. But thankfully skin grows and regenerates, just like you will' I can now proudly say that i no longer have a Borderline diagnosis. Healing from this disorder takes time and patience, but it is the greatest feeling ever. I hope that everyone here with a diagnosis or in the flow of getting one can get the help they need to win their battles!
I think one of the powerful things in recovering/minimizing the disorder is awareness. Even people with very minimal bpd symtoms will improve alot by being aware of their thought process and actions.
Kind of reminds me of the time I wrote on myself a lot with pen, like A LOT a lot... because I was told that ink poisoning was a thing, and I thought it could potentially kill me with nobody noticing what was going on- then my skin got really sensitive where it could be poked and it hurt so much. I stopped writing on myself and I couldn't write on myself for like 2 years or it would bring that sensitivity back for a bit. Took months for the sensitivity to fade to begin with.
I used to have this as well in high school also having toxic parents kinda made it worse. Once I left hs I started going to therapy for a bit and uni rlly helped me find myself. My sense of self is so much better than before and idk if I grew out of it or smt but no longer struggle w this anymore
My partner has BPD and a lot of the things you said just apply perfectly. She had a job with a really toxic work environment and she had a really tough time there. Our relationship got rocky partially because of that, partially because of me. She got another job with a healthy and socially stimulating work environment, we worked our personal stuff out and she was finally able to quit antidepressants. Antidepressants kinda felt like they were just numbing her down. Ever since, she is more lively, active and affectionate. I'm also a rather affectionate person so we just kinda bounce off of each other. But damn, the part about people with BPD, that they recognise frustration immediately and think it's their fault... that's completely new info for me, but it makes so much sense. Like if I just have a tiring, bad day, she just notices it in a moment, while other people wouldn't. Thank you for this video, it was a really good one. And for people with BPD - you are not unloveable at all. You just kinda need to find that person who resonates with you and is willing to study this condition a bit. Not gonna lie, there were difficult parts, but it's worth it. She makes it worth it.
Right there with you friend. With all the ups and downs of trying to manage her BPD, I've truly never felt more steady with my life than when I started being with my wife.
What is your experience or thoughts with the following scenario? Despite many years of professional treatment, group therapy, for the BPD individual and for the other members of the family, I’m at the point where I need to protect our family from this person. This person may very well devolve and really hurt themselves or someone else, but they will certainly destroy the family otherwise. It’s not their fault, but it’s not a rabid animal’s fault either, but one must protect themselves from a wild animal with rabies.
@@brettcordes3602 Actually.... it is their childhood care giver's fault. If you are comparing them to a "rapid animal" then back off and let them get a break from you......let the trash take itself out as the saying goes... they can't heal if they are exposed to your toxicity
The number of (incorrect) assumptions you’ve made about my situation in such a short amount of time is so stunning, it’s actually a form of miracle. How on earth could you presume to know anything about my family? I wish you luck navigating this world.
How on earth could you presume to know about 200 million people that you’ve never met… Maybe reflect on that for a couple minutes. If you are in fact capable of self reflection.
I think it’s also so important to know that we don’t try to be manipulative on purpose. I don’t even realize I am acting out or being “manipulative” in the moment because my emotions are so high and intense.
yeah I 😬 while watching this because I realized I was being super manipulative just last night. A friend hasn't been talking to me for a while, I feel ignored bc she never wants to hang out with me anymore suddenly. When she finally got back to me yesterday and apologized for being absent I said she doesn't need to apologize and I dont wanna force her to hang out with me. When she called I didn't say much and I left the call after a few minutes. I'm actually really angry at her bc I feel like I have to remind "friends" I exist. I didn't mean to be manipulative I was just expressing how angry I was. I can definitely see where I fucked up here and how frustrating this may be. Aaaaand I have no idea what the solution is.
And rabid dogs don't bite on purpose. They don't realize they're vile disgusting creatures that should be eliminated from society anymore than borderlines do, but please, tell us all how your fucking feelings are more important than EVERYONE ELSE'S SAFETY AND WELL BEING.
YES, the prognosis for BPD is very good! I am several years into my treatment and it has done wonders. Please, if you are suffering with this, get the people who love you together and figure out a way to get yourself professional treatment. It’s so important. I went years and years before getting help and I almost didn’t make it. There IS hope. Thank you for the video GG❤
@@thelotus3 i wish we could make a community fund for mental health management. Donating to help people get treatment for mental health needs. Wish our tax could just be allocated to take care of this, but...
You seriously may have just saved my life. Nobody has understood my disorder at all. And im so horribly horrible at helping them understand because i get so emotional. I can never thank you enough for this small piece of content. This is the begining of my redemption arch and i feel i wouldnt have been able to understand it myself without you. Ty
I honestly don’t give a crap anymore if people understand I’m 34 everyone knows I have BPD I’ve tried to get them to watch videos explaining the shit I feel inside and why I am the way I am I’ve tried to talk about it they know I take medication but they just brush it off like it’s not even there, the only people who understand me are my biological siblings, we all grew up in foster care, we share a lot of the same trauma.
Every single point in this video hit home for me-it’s like you are literally describing how I feel. Love your videos but this is my favorite one so far. Thank you for presenting the disorder in a compassionate and understanding way, as you said the disorder is very stigmatized. We don’t choose for our brains to work like this and we often have guilt etc. because we realize it when we do damage, but it’s like watching someone go around ruining our lives and we can’t stop them.
As some one with BPD I fully understand all of this video but I thought I should mention that it's not just one emotion that sticks with you for 8 or so hours. Imagine going through a day with a lot of ups and downs emotionally (which is common cause usually our life styles are really chaotic). You'd get angry at something in the morning, a little lonely at lunch, happy in the afternoon and scared in the evening. By the time you get home you're carrying all these emotions together at the same time, so it's very easy to get overwhelmed by just existing in the same world and experiencing daily life with others. This was so bad that I had to spend a full year in isolation so I can lower the amount of triggers in my life so that I could learn to manage each emotion one by one. It's very tiring to live in such a state and I'm glad someone made a video explaining it without demonizing it
Damn, you JUST described my day to day the last 3 fucking years. I wonder if it could be anything else or if this is the problem. Daaaamn, thank you for sharing it is validating to not just be told to buck up. It really is overwhelming and doesn't resolve in a 24 hour day.
I call my feelings about myself and the world rapid cycling I can love or hate back and forth like fifty times within a few minutes also I'm more unstable early in the day and tend to be calm at the end of the day
This sensitivity is why people like me with asd click good with bpd people, our sensitivity overlaps so well that we understand each other on a core level haha
I'm undiagnosed but I've never felt more understood in my life. I cried watching this. Even if I somehow have something else (not BPD), I still feel closer to understanding myself and how I can live a healthy life. Thank you so much for spreading awareness.
Your comment resonates with me. I’m certain I don’t have this however the emotional part of it is spot on. The tender hearted symptom as quoted by another is so right. Also I feel guilty about things I should not feel guilty about. It’s difficult and suffer from cognitive dissonance. For last several months in a relationship that I know is not right for me, yet I act like the girlfriend. He loves me and wants me but I know I should just be single and heal myself first.
I'm absolutely not diagnosing you but something I've noticed folks talking about in a few different threads on BPD is that BPD and autism have an insane amount of overlap in symptoms, as far as emotional regulation, so diagnosing between the two can often be pretty inaccurate and it's worth considering both if you're relating to the symptoms
There’s so many of us here coming to that same realization. It explains SO FUCKING MUCH. But at least we all can recognize it and start working on how to be better. Hope y’all are doing good, and if not we all gotta start trying to be at least. No more sitting inside of it helpless. Recognize it and stomp it the fuck out homies
I became convinced I was borderline. My therapist figured out that it's just that i'm autistic but I also have complex post traumatic stress disorder from being raised by narcissists & then ending up a relationship with one
For me, I don't copy what other people like, I genuinely like what they like, but the reason why I get into it is because I see them enjoying it and think "woah, this must be amazing" so I hyperfocus on it for a week or two and it may stick or not, but the only thing it has to do with the other person is that it feels like I have a connection with that person while I am hyperfocusing on their interests, if that makes any sense.
Trying new things because you saw someone else enjoy it doesn't sound like a bad thing. Here is a question do you feel connected to others when your not focusing on there interest. Do you feel like the people in your life have a real interest in you or they like that your interested in them or what there doing. I'm struggling with the last part that I asked you. Turns out I have cultivated a bunch of one way friendships in my life. If I don't put effort in nothing happens. It's been a tough pill to swallow I thought I had friends but it does t really feel like I do.
You might just have ADHD, which can have big emotions too. I wonder if someone with ADHD + Rejection sensitivity would look a lot like a person with BPD.
Same. I always actually like the things that other people like. The way that I have always been is that no matter how much interest I have in something or love for something, I get so much more out of the other person enjoying it. I have a hard time enjoying anything myself. I have always had such a severe dissociation and detachment from my feelings. I always feel like everything I experience is separate from me, like watching a movie and feeling emotions from it, but it’s someone else (the actors in the movie) are the ones actually going through it. Idk if that makes any sense. Despite having such intense emotions, for a long time I didn’t think that I could actually feel anything because I was always so dissociated. Kinda like in a permanent out of body experience.
The acknowledgement that people with BPD experience emotions so much harder than anyone else, and that "it hurts so fucking much" is incredibly accurate and validating. People often say, "why are you freaking out/having a panic attack over something so insignificant", or "why are you still depressed/miserable over that breakup and still thinking about her constantly, years later?" I have gone years without a romantic partner after a breakup from someone I fell in love with within 3 months. Its been 13 years since she broke up with me, and I still think about and dream about her frequently. I see pictures of her and her husband and it tears me apart. The same is also true for my first love. I was 15. That was 20 years ago... I still love her, would take her back in a second, and she has 3 kids and a husband of like 5 years. It may sound pathetic to some, but any time I'm in a relationship where I actually am attracted to them physically and mentally, I always feel like they are only with me until a better opportunity comes along, or that I have to "perform" to a certain level or they will leave. If I'm in a relationship and I just am not feeling the person, which has happened because I seek companionship and sometimes "settle" while thinking about the other girl I'd rather be with, and I end up wanting to end the relationship, I will hyperfixate on it for a LONG time out of fear of hurting that person, because that is the LAST thing I want to do. But I also dont want to lead them on or waste their time when I know I'm not invested for the long haul. IDK, I'm fucked up.
I havn't been diagnosed with BPD but it seems certain I have it. The way I've described it is that when I walk out into the world I don't have my own thoughts, all my thoughts are parsing through the possible thoughts of others, so I know how to react (usually to minimize conflict to zero). Sometimes I think I'm not a real person, I feel like I'm just a reflection of other people. People have told me I'm one of the most fun people to be around but it's because every word and sentence and action is so carefully measured based on patterns I recognize in other people. Meanwhile on the inside it's a frenetic disaster. I've been an addict now since... I don't know I think my entire life. When I was a kid I would read books 24/7, I loved it because the words replaced my own stream of consciousness and allowed me to escape the excruciating pain of being me. As I got older I turned to computers, then older again and I turned to drugs. Being high doesn't make me feel better, it hasn't for a long long time, but it pushes me outside myself. I'm 34 now and I don't know if I'll ever have a real job or a real relationship despite being incredibly smart (near perfect GPA in college) and an intense desire for a meaningful relationship. 7:50 "Nerves are on fire..." Yeah I've actually described this as "having my nerves on the outside of my body." It's not just for pain though. Sometimes I feel absolute ecstasy performing the most menial tasks and conversely I can plunge into suicidal existential doom over absolutely trivial things others would be unphased by. 15:10 I agree the root cause of BPD is a poorly formed sense of self. I had an extremely traumatic childhood and it seems like as a child, rather than forming a person, I was hyper-focused on my surroundings (abusive parents) to ensure my safety. There was no time to look inward, all my attention had to be pushed outward. That's how I feel as an adult, as if I'm stuck in this hypervigilant state. A mere 10 minute walk to the grocery store and back can be mentally exhausting. 16:45 Chameleon-ness. I dated a guy for 5 years in my early 20's and he described me as a chameleon. I would talk about how certain I was that none of my friends actually liked me and how socially awkward I was. Meanwhile from his perspective he said I had the capacity to get along with literally everyone I meet. I think that's one of the most challenging things about having BPD is what is displayed outwardly and what is felt inwardly is very often completely polarizing. 21:30 OH MAN this video... Yeah sometimes I feel like a human thermometer. I can tell what everyone around me is feeling basically 100% of the time. It's cripplingly exhausting being around people, between the hypervigilance and the emotional reactivity... Yeah, I spend 99% of my time alone. This comment is way too long for UA-cam but one random aside... my best friend and my one sustained relationship over the last decade is with a buddy who is ADHD/Autistic (high-functioning). Because he's Autistic, he tends to express his emotions in muted ways and that softening of emotion makes being around him so much easier.
That does sound exhausting and it probably gets very old and tiring to have to be that vigilant all the time. I can really relate to the hypervigilants I generally know how everyone is feeling on body language alone and it's always odd when they say there fine and I can tell there not. I also use drugs or alcohol just to quiet my mind it feels like I get to step out of the constant analysis stream and just think like what I would think a normal person does. It's very enjoyable not having every angle of perception of a giving situation being hurled at me 24/7. I hope life gets better for you.
Have you looked into autism? Sounds a lot more like that to me. You can learn a lot if you search for people's autism diagnosis story on youtube. A lot of people get misdiagnosed for other things because autism used to only be looked for in kids. Autistic basically means your nervous system develops differently and has trouble processing things the same way as normal people and so struggle with reading social cues and are hyper sensitive to sounds and smells, and in general have a "different" way of expressing themselves and understanding the world. You can be born with a high IQ and still be autistic and maybe struggle with being awkward and understanding social things but at the same time being very interested and specialized in certain things and having difficulty with sensory issues. Often an autistic person is more reserved but gets excitable at things they love and open up a lot .ore when they're in an environment that feels comfortable. Because of the different way we can appear to others, many get isolated from a young age and bullied or just have few friends. Or make friends but have no idea what you're really supposed to do in relationships even though you want to be close. And so over time the people who are autistic learn to mask theur different behaviors and ways of thinking to fit in and be normal but it is incredibly exhausting and leads to all kinds of other issues about having to hide who you really are and many talk about having to unmask and discover who they really are when they stop trying to act like everyone else to survive. Many autistic people never got much of a. Hence to be themselves without getting in trouble and learn to suppress. Unless you are like constantly betraying people and backstabbing them and trying to hurt someone cus you're mad, its probably not borderline. Probably just the symptoms of struggling with something like adhd or autism that made it hard to socialize abd find your place. You sound smart and nice so I really wanted to take the time to reach out. Wishing you all the best. Ps. I'm a genius who can't tye his own shoes sometimes, or get through the check out haha but it her thank being more sensitive than others and needing more rest, I can otherwise live a normal life and it got a lot better once I discovered autism and learned that it wasn't all in my head, something was hard but there was nothing broken or wrong about me abd fuck anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. Much happier now but still struggling to get a diagnosis and have certain protections for time off at work. Afraid I could lose my job if it doesn't work out so I decided it's important to finally look into one.
My heart is racing and I'm feeling an excitement I havent felt in a long time. I was diagnosed with bpd in my late 20's. (Eatly 2000/2001) Couldn't find any thing on internet about it. I have gone 20 years not understanding my diagnosis. For the first time, I now get it. You are completely describing me. I want to cry in relief. I have lost so much because of this illness. Friends, family, jobs, my confidence. My children were taken from me. Basically my life was ruined. I'm now 48 years old and taking it one day at a time. I feel like a wound that has festered for so long it is so painful you cant fo near it. It feels like physical pain at times. Thank you for doing this video
I lost my kids to I had a bad father im a incest survivor and got borderline personality disorder I do pick toxic men relationship, im 58 my kids are gone as well I lost them but I pick dysfunctional men alcoholic men ,now that I'm alone and trying to love me it's very hard im with a guy in prison now new him since 1994 he will never change, my dad might of been a narcissist person as well as he was having sex with me but I did leave home live in group home foster care as well till I was 18
@@kathysanders5652 Hi. I just read your message. I am so sorry for everything you went through. You are a very strong woman. Please take time for yourself. That's what I am finally learning. We need to give ourselves time and space to heal in our own way. We need to support each other. I am here
My girlfriend who has BPD described the worst moments of it as the combination of the feeling you have right before a panic attack and extreme anger/emotion. It sounds extremely hard to deal with and I feel for anyone who has BPD.
Wow, spot on. For me, it's an inhumane level of panic (fight or flight to the max - like what you'd expect if you were being eaten alive by a bear). Because it's so overwhelming you grab onto anything that can help - sometimes narcissistic or even psychopathic behavior, which leaves the love of your life (and unsuspecting victim) traumatized. It's like watching a baby chic turn into a werewolf before your eyes...and your partner is like..."But I want...where'd the baby chic go? What circle of hell spit out this beast?" The borderline feels just as traumatized by their reflection in that moment too. It's pain all around. I have BPD. I"m in remission. But I had to heal myself. I had to be alone. I had to reject anyone who wanted to coddle me or who would put up with my abuse. I had to learn self-love. It's been the most excruciating f**king journey. So much love to you all. You're not alone (even when you're alone). xx
@@jessica0321Hey congratulations for healing. How long did it take for you to heal and how bad was your BPD because I'm going for the same thing, I'll stay single and alone and I'm also in therapy.
@@stormtrooper_ Thank you, my dear. "Bad" is subjective, right? So, lets take that out of the equation. It's not necessary to judge or compare your symptoms with someone else. Your healing is going to take as long as it takes and it's not linear. For me, it fell away without me noticing. I realized my behaviors and reactions had completely changed in relationships and triggers were no longer triggers. The only thing you have to do is make yourself a priority - your healing and the self-love. You do the healing because you are worthy of happiness and love, not because you desperately want what you might deem a shameful/wrong/bad diagnosis to fall away. Does that make sense? Make your healing about moving towards love, not running from fear and judgement. Try not to judge yourself or your progress. The rest will fall into place. Much love. Hang in there! It's not easy but it's worth it. Self-love, baby. xx
27:20 is probably the best thing ive heard in a long time. My girlfriend has been seriously struggling with BPD yet I am watching this video literally trying to make sure I understand her all that I can. I knew when she split that she still loved me, i knew she was in there somewhere. I understand now. I will never leave her, and I’ve learnt so much about her actions and their meanings through this channel. I completely misunderstood her, and now that I get this perspective, I understand so much about her that I’m more in love with her than I’ve ever been. I know why she’s doing the things that she does now. My biggest fear was that she didn’t love me. I see now that she feels the same. I’m planning on going into therapy or seeing a psychiatrist regularly so I can learn what to do to deal with her problems the best that I can in my own anxious overthinking mind. I’m also considering practicing acting, ironically. My family has always said that I should try acting and now I might because of the detection of facial expressions. For her sake I’ll learn to keep a positive face more often so she doesn’t have a nuclear option for when I’m not 100% happy. I just want to do everything I can to see her in remission. I prayed that God gave me someone to love, and I also prayed to be an instrument for good. I prayed to save people and be there for them. The next day, I met her. I see why he’s brought me here. He’s brought me here to be the stable relationship. He’s brought me here to save her. God is good, he answered my prayers. All of them, in one beautiful woman. I love you Anna.
This is the best BPD explanation i've ever seen. It's simple and easy to understand for other people who doesn't have it. Hopefully this can help some people who has never understand well this disorder. As someone that has BPD and is having a very hard time the past few years, it really feels like no one ever tries to unserstand... but i hope more people do with time. Thank you, doctor
Honestly, I have BPD and several things rubbed me the wrong way. The intense fear of abandonment and unstable relationships are common, but not always there. I've been in a 4 year relationship with the love of my life and we have never had any serious relationship issues. I still cut intermittently and, feel excruciating emotional pain, emptiness, extreme mood swings, smothering anger and unbearable anguish every single day, despite being in a loving relationship, heavily medicated and in therapy for over a decade.
Yep, an excellent overview of a complex issue! Though dunno how 'common' it is, but the toughest part of my own marriage to a BPD, was their ability to 'compartmentalize' things (aka, "I love you/I hate you")... where the emotional life can spontaneously go from affection one day, to full-out rage the next, and back to 'normal' again.... and still act like nothing ever happened!
"These kind of realtionships tend to be really unstable" is a pretty interesting choice of words because in Finnish, BPD is called "Unstable Personality Disorder", which in my opinion sounds a lot more accurate than "borderline", which sounds like someone is borderline insane and thus adds to the stigma.
idk, i feel like calling someone unstable also has some pretty negative connotations. when i think of somebody calling someone unstable, i assume they mean it in a dangerous way half the time (although i'm not really good with social interactions lol)
@@Anthony-un8sn I dated someone with BPD. While I don't have it. I do see what you mean by the stigma of it if we were to call it unstable personality disorder. But unstable fits so much better than borderline. I won't go into the abuse I dealt with. But it was a lot, simply because of the instability of her mental state. No matter what I, or anyone did.
I can understand that BPD is known in the Finnish language as Unstable Personality Disorder. I haven’t ever understood Borderline in Boarderline Personally Disorder but know people who have it.
I was just officially diagnosed with BPD and it’s overwhelming. I’ve always not been able to understand why things hurt more for me. People always being confused with my level of pain…now I’m hyper focused on learning all of my diagnoses and it’s so much. So overwhelming. Thank you for making me feel validated…finally.
My father had BPD, was an alcoholic, had an eating disorder and he killed himself in 2016. Thank you so much for this video as it helped me understand what his world may have been like.
I'm glad he got the correct diagnosis so at least had a chance to get a little better while he was alive. Men often get misdiagnosed with NPD or ASPD when they actually have BPD and it's crippling the chance of healing...
Well damn...my dad had BPD as well, had an eating disorder when he was younger, and was also an alcoholic (but was also addicted to prescription opiates, which he used to kill himself in 2018). He also faked illnesses for attention, and pretended he was terminally ill for years. I had (and still have) so much anger toward my dad but losing him was still the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I hope you're doing okay and I'm wishing you the best.
@@Incompetences Thank you. Mental illness and addiction is definitely no joke and the complicated feelings of family members who loose loved ones to it is so hard. I wish you healing and I’m very sorry for your loss. ❤️
My wife has been recently diagnosed with BPD, and your videos are a big help for me to understand her. Thank you for what you do, and your compassion for these subjects. Im not going anywhere, and the reason is that she's fighting so fucking hard for herself and us. Endless doctor calls, new meds, more therapy. She's showing me with words and actions that she wants to be better, and it means a lot Knowing that things can get better is honestly such a good thing to know, and feels like it makes kt all worth it
This is WILD, my wife was recently diagnosed with BPD (they’ve been treating her for bipolar in error), and this really helps me to put things in perspective. I’m still scarred by all her BS but it helps to understand her motivations. Also the realization that it’s treatable and there may be a light at the end is honestly a game changer. I’ve been watching videos and doing a lot of reading since the diagnosis, and a lot of it is like “run fast as you can from these people” but your compassionate approach and thorough explanation has provided me with much needed understanding and shifted my perspective. Trying not to play myself but you’ve sparked a glimmer of hope. Thank you 🙏🏽
I don't think there's any right answers in terms of leaving vs staying, ultimately you can't control what others do and you have to look after yourself. I hope she's getting help and gets better.
I was diagnosed with bpd after years of treatments for depression and anxiety. Is been two years since I finished my treatment for bpd and I can tell you it gets better! At least for me. I do have some “bad days” but I feel like everyone have bad days. The difference is now I have the ability to know what to do when they come. So basically I have to work with my self. Now I can see patterns and things clearly so I can snap out of it. Life is so more happy and my desire to live is so much more now. I met my now husband just starting my treatment and It was extremely sweet and helpful having someone with me during the process.
Bless you, dude. I'm currently in the process of divorcing someone I believe has bpd and it's a complete nightmare. Not judging her and I have compassion for what she's going through, but I just can't do it anymore. Here's hoping for a better outcome for you. 🙏
I have heard that said too. It's disheartening because not everyone with BPD has bad intentions nor are they trying to manipulate. It's as with anything else, you can't say ALL, ALWAYS or NEVER. I speak from the heart of someone diagnosed with bpd😢
I’ve been diagnosed with BPD but no one has ever talked to me and explained some of the things you have talked about im just medicated and told to go away! This made me cry but has helped me realise what BPD is and the explanation about the pain and emptiness is spot on - thank you
This was a great video. The only thing that I will add, having BPD.... we don't always consciously decide to "copy" the interests of other people. A lot of the time, it just happens. Just like having a favorite person, we don't choose it. The part about self harm was really good and it made a lot of sense. The facial thing is so true, it feels like everyone is mad at or hates me.
Another important thing to remember is that there is a massive overlap with depression and BPD in terms of behaviors and symptoms. Like the emptiness, self harm and such. Another thing is that people with BPD need for admiration and self image is alot like what teenagers are where self worth become much more dependent on other people.
I've found that it doesn't necessarily mean copying their interests either. Sometimes I just act different or find myself taking on complimentary interests and/or personality traits. Sometimes it's not necessarily copying them but rather playing a role that seems like they will like to be around more.
Thank you. I'm a clinician and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with BPD prior to meeting with me really struggle with the idea that it is "a life sentence". That never sat right with me. Thank you for challenging that belief.
I think it is important to consider the overlapping similarities between BPD symptomology and ADHD symptomology (excitability, moving from hobby to hobby, strong emotional responses, etc)
‘ the goals that you set are just to get rid of the pain. It’s not necessarily moving towards to something, it’s moving away from something ‘ 8:59 That’s what I’ve been experiencing my whole life. This video explains really well what having bpd feels like. Thank you for this 🙏 You’re helping a lot of people.
I am 28 and I can finally see it all so clearly. BPD has costed me much and made the people who loved me suffer. But my suffering is constant. I feel so powerless right now. Everything hurts. Everything I try to do with best intentions backfires and I am left behind alone and misunderstood. :(
Please get help. As someone who is suffering along with my family member with BPD, I can tell you that your family still loves you and wants to see you well. You don't deserve this pain; I hope for the best for you and your recovery.
please start with 15 minutes guided vipaasana meditations and yoga with Adrianne for beginners both available on You tube..Do it every day consistently for 21 days. It will become a daily habit. Then seek dialectic behaviour therapy if you want to help yourself. All the best
@@whatamievendoing I understand there's no cure. I hope there's methods that can help with coping with it. I don't pretend to be an expert on anything and I don't mean to make light of anyone's suffering.
Much love to everyone commenting here. If you have BPD (I do as well), it does get easier to manage and while it might not go away, it does get easier. Please please please if you are diagnosed and have not done so please talk with a professional about DBT treatment - it makes all the difference and will be so very impactful. You may also undergo CBT.
Tw: talk of self harm, nothing detailed ofc I don't have a bpd diagnosis but I do have an autism diagnosis and I think our experience with sh can be similar in some cases. I 100% relate to how he describes it in this video and I have a really low pain tolerance so my sh is "mild" and like he said; superficial, it mostly includes skin picking. It's all like stimming to me only more intense because pain takes priority over other sensations.
It is like an IV administration of a painkiller, of course it is done when the amount of pain gets unbearable and of course it will be very hard to stop just like detoxing from an addictive substance. Please try to see them as your battle scars and nothing to be ashamed of, I mean you ARE still standing❣️💪
Spot on with describing the reasons and the feelings from cutting .. I've been clean from cutting for almost 1 years. Your description has me bawling like a baby .. finally someone who gets it .
Got diagnosed with BPD today after 33 years on this planet. This video helped me so much. I don't think anyone has understood what I go through everyday better than you. Thanks!!
I finally feel heard listening to this. Always asking myself what’s wrong with me, trauma, intense emotions, chaotic environment. I relate to a lot of what is said about BPD and I’m so glad I found this video. People don’t understand how hard it is having extreme internal conflict going on at most times, sweating mind racing, people pleasing bc fear of abandonment or never being loved or understand. It’s like a silent spiritual wound and that just won’t heal and war that won’t end. and on you can see and feel it. If you are going thru it rn I’m sending you some love and please remember to give yourself grace and that you are worthy of love just because you exist there nothing you need to do, say or be. ❤
My mom has BPD with high degrees of narcissism and historic traits, and never did get the right treatment. She now has dementia and I'm her caregiver. I have CPTSD, largely as a result of her abuse. One thing I've learned is that outcomes are better if people understand the disorder and can account/adjust for it in their responses. She recovers from splitting episodes much more quickly when I am not triggered by them (hard when her episodes literally are a trigger, lol, but therapy has helped tremendously). I've found that when I remain calm and just let her tantrum, eventually she'll calm down and within an hour or two it's like nothing happened. When I fight back she escalates to the point of weaponizing the authorities, trying to get me removed from the lease, calling family members, threatening suicide, etc. If I remain calm she just assassinates my character until it's out of her system and then I'm "the good one" again. I think a lot of folks don't get this (I certainly didn't, wish I had managed to learn before it resulted in disability, but I digress) and the instinct to protect the self results in gross escalations that could be avoided. On the receiving end it can feel terribly unfair to have to be stable and controlled while someone is railing at you, but understanding that this is essentially a meltdown can really help with duration and frequency.
@DrackoveliaDev not sure where I mentioned laying on hands at all. When I was a teen she did lay on hands and I did fight back. It's probably why the abuse is all verbal/emotional now, because she knows I hit back when physically assaulted. But no, nobody is laying on hands here.
My mother is the same but I am not her caregiver. She has my father and the money for outside care. I could not mentally survive caring for her. I wish I could but she didn't get help when she could to care for me decently so now this is the result. I will always make sure her care isn't abusive but I can't provide her with direct care. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to not be constantly triggered and to be in a safe place.
@@amberinthemist7912 Thank you for that. I am so sorry you know this suffering, too, and am glad you are able to live separate from her on your own terms. It's a struggle for me but I fight hard to exist in a meaningful way, differentiated an an individual, separate from her. Therapy helps a lot.
Sorry you're going through this. My mother was diagnosed with bpd, but in recent years I've become convinced she also had narcissism, probably npd. As a child I was her caretaker, but as I grew up and realized she didn't want to change, I started to pull away. I moved out when I was 18. I should have cut her off completely, but she continued to torture me from a distance for years. She never forgave me for moving out, but she also constantly begged me to move back in. I know I wouldn't have been able to function at all if I'd stayed around her. My anxiety, depression, and shame almost overwhelmed me completely as a teenager. My mother died about 20 years ago, which was good for my sanity, but I still feel the effects of what she did to me. I don't know how you can tolerate this treatment, but I do feel for you. I hope things can get better for you eventually.
This was probably the best video I ever could’ve watched at this point in my life. My entire life negative emotions genuinely hurt my heart and I would carry that with me for a while. I could always tell when someone was just a little unhappy. I would often blow up very quickly and cool down just as fast but I would carry the anger with me everywhere, and I would always develop the interests of my friends and family. That’s not to say I didn’t have a sense of self but it was very fragile and well guarded at all times. I figured I had a touch of bpd because of living in a household with a mom and grandmother who both have bpd and hate each other, but this video opened my eyes and is genuinely making me go and seek treatment for (what I now realize is but don’t want to self diagnose myself as) severe bipolar disorder. I’ve been fortunate enough to recognize the symptoms (as separate illnesses, but again I’ve never been diagnosed I just figured I was better off doing it myself) and manage them well but I could never fix the symptoms, just deal with them.
Thank you for starting out with empathy. I’m a clinician and have people with BPD in my life. It helped me to remember to empathize despite behaviors that can be frustrating or intimidating or scary. I will always keep that in mind from now on- that they are in so, so much pain, and they need love and kindness.
Your explanation of the self harm aspect of BPD was extremely validating. I'm in remission and I’ve been clean from self harm for years, but never really emotionally recovered from it, and what you just said helped validate my feelings towards my past self. Thank you.
I’ve never self harm like cutting ever I’ve always been the BPD person that would use street drugs and get into sexual relationships with narcissistic traits and verbal and emotional abuse and physical abuse sometimes and I avenged the toxic relationship behavior being toxic abuse also 😂
My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed recently, and I've tried really hard to absorb as much information as I can in order to try and understand what she goes through. Thank you so much for this video.
I REALLY appreciate it when ppl see my "fantasy reality" as actual reality. Its like a coolest breath of fresh air when a person simply accepts bpd reality is different than world reality but both are real. Hope this makes sense When ppl nod their head in understanding and ask to elaborate on the topic at hand rather than the oh too common "are you ok" concerned face ...
I cry tears of joy for your daughter because I wish I had parents who showed an ounce of empathy towards my condition rather than completely discarding things by just saying "I haven't yet grown up/ everybody has struggles". Thankyou for being there for your daughter and trying to understand her condition.
I have BPD and so does my brother. Our mom obviously has it too but she's in complete denial. Everyone around her--her children, her husband--have been in inpatient and she refuses to see her role. So my advice is for YOU to go get therapy to uncover if you also have BPD or some other PD and also go into therapy as a family to learn and practice healthy interpersonal interactions.
This made me cry. I was diagnosed with BPD and no one ever talks about it or tries to understand it with compassion. I have worked really intently to be self aware and to work with myself to do better. I have a DBT workbook that has helped. Normally I'm fine but then there are occasions in life that kick up the dirt and I'm a wreck. I really appreciate hearing you talk about how it feels to live inside of BPD with so much thoughtfulness. Thank you so much.
Kudos for making those effort. I know someone who is also emotionally very volatile, probably on the BPD side of things, but she failed to be aware of her own circumstances and refuses to own up to her actions, which makes it hard for me to even speak to her. Luckily we are just acquaintances. Having clinical anxiety and depression for years now taught me that emotions can be maddeningly powerful, and sometimes things just don't work out. Problem is it is hard to sympathise with those who not only refuse to recognise their problems but taking it out on others. Here is where I find your effort to develop self awareness very admirable. It isn't easy. I had to walk down a similar path myself and it has been incredibly painful, having to open up old wounds and re-examine them. With this newfound awareness I hope better things will come to you too, just like how things slowly working out for me now. If you read this far, thank you. Sharing my experience to the BPD crowd on Reddit hasn't been a good experience. And I am glad that this video is ends with a hopeful note. Hope things go better for everyone.
Gee, I wonder why no one (besides every fucking UA-cam psychologist and Tumblr narcissist) tries to understand the violent psychotics incapable of managing their emotions. Won't someone think about the violent psychotics incapable of managing their emotions? Oh won't SOMEBODY, think of the poor, innocent, psychotically raging, violent, manipulative, lying narcissists and how hard their lives are destroying everyone's elses?
As a BPD patient, let me try to explain why a simple reason like missing a birthday, for example, would trigger me. Because I feel so empty most of the time I would constantly look for proofs to prove that the person I'm in a relationship with truly cares for me, at the intensity that I care for the person. Therefore when the person does something to me that I would not have done to the person, things gets complicated, even for myself. Amidst the chaos in my mind, the only reasonable action would be to shut off all communication, and tend to my feelings alone (for people like me who realizes they have BPD and try not to be a burden for their loved ones). Communication sometimes does not work too, because BPD people have unreasonable expectations that they cannot let go off, usually thought to be reasonable to themselves due to the amount or the intensity of the care and love they have contributed. It's tiring having BPD, if only feelings were less intense to the extent that I can ignore them, then I could've moved on through souring relationships faster, and not be the one whose hurted feelings intensifies the longer the relationship has ended. Feels like I'm always the one left out in sadness amongst the 2 person in the relationship.
It's worth to mention that BPD has better prognoses compared to other personality disorders in part because people with BPD usually are willing to seek treatment, while people with, for example, paranoid, narcissistic or especially antisocial personality disorder very rarely seek therapy and stay in it.
Interestingly, this is probably caused by the nature of BPD. Once they become aware that their condition causes discomfort for others, their concern with being validated and appreciated kicks in to assist them with overcoming the BPD as a means to satisfy it.
There is a lot and a lot who say not. That anti social and narcissistic disorder can never be cured. It’s too engrained into them and the ego will not allow them to ever be “wrong” I think the defense and coping mechanism is so high in them they basically live in La La land unable to see life as it ever is. As you said. They will usually never seek treatment or stay because they’re never wrong. It’s always someone else who is the bad guy.. My experience anyways
@your guinea pig With NPD seeking treatment isn't uncommon but it's hard for them to stay in it. If someone has intense narcissistic symptoms therapy will at some point make him feel inferior to the therapist and that usually leads to either trying to fight them - which impedes progress - or leave it to protect their grandiose self. I haven't worked with any narcissistic patients yet but from what I've been taught it requires a lot of care, empathy and thought to make such a patient stay in therapy.
Thank you thank you thank you for talking about BPD. I recently got diagnosed (3 months ago) and hearing a professional perfectly explain how I’m feeling is so freaking validating. I kept tearing up the entire video bc I finally feel seen and understand
The timing of this is unreal. My girlfriend for 7 years found out she had BPD before covid and she just hit the self destruct phase but we are going to get her back on track with self help. This provides a lot of insight for me on a dialectical basis. Thanks always Dr. K.
I'd just cut my losses and bail for your own health. Chances are u have put up with a lifetime of abuse already. Now she's got an extra crutch to blame all of her bad behavior on. If she wavers on getting any help at all ever....leave her to her own misery. Most people with BPD deserve loneliness and heartache forever. It's what they deserve from how they have treated those who loved the. The most
My wife has BPD and it is difficult at times, it's hard to remember just how hurtful even the slightest mistakes can be for her. Me being autistic with CPTSD doesn't help either as my social skills aren't the best. However, I'm fully confident she can overcome her struggles. She's still only 23 and has a lot of time to grow and discover who she is, which I'm sure will help lessen her symptoms. Thanks Dr. K for this video, it gave me a lot to think about how I can help my wife who I love very much
@@anmnpl My BPD is undiagnosed, but I am diagnosed with Asperger's, OCD, and all the anxiety and depression that comes with it. We are nearly 100 percent sure I have BPD (My psychiatrist and I). Imagine being the same person and having autism and BPD, with OCD ON TOP of that. It's a wonderful experience. I have yet to have any good relationships, and its nice to hear you had one.
To the OP, you and I are two peas in a pod. My wife is BPD and I'm on the spectrum. We've been together for 15 years. Hasn't been easy but I think our stoic autistic traits keep our BPD partners from becoming more explosive. I jokingly say that her and I are nearly 100% yin and yang in nearly every way. Both of you keep going to therapy, it really helps!
Thank you for this video. I see in the comments the huge amount of people like me who feel validated by you. The hope you inspire, that maybe one day wont be a fight, is incredible. Having someone talk about the emotional intensities, without belittling, and explaining the scientific theorys behind it is so extremely validating. I have also never seen anyone go into depth about self harm like this either. Those who are supposed to help are more concerned with stressing that it is not encouraged, rather than addressing why self harm works. Simply recognizing why people with intense emotions rely on self harm to calm themselves then allows us to look for other, safer options to snap out of emotional breakdowns. I have never felt so seen and validated without judgment. Thank you for this.
I was in a really destructive relationship with someone who I suspect had BPD. A different dysregulation disorder was diagnosed but their mother has BPD and the behaviors were so similar. The whole thing was tragic because I really loved them but it was like they just couldn’t see the same person I loved. Preoccupied with abandonment, constitutionally incapable of trusting love at all. Ultimately it was like the only thing they trusted in the relationship was power and it got progressively more violent to wear down my boundaries. The gaslighting got so bad it was like we had no shared history anymore. Reality kept changing. Our past was nothing more than a narrative they could continually change to justify their current behavior. I’m not writing this to judge anybody, I’m writing this because it is possible to have a disorder like this and someone still love you for who you are. Even if you can’t see what they love in you. I suspect my ex was terrified of this diagnosis because of their mom and would never accept it. But honest help would’ve likely saved the relationship. Despite the abuse I endured, I hope they eventually find the help they need and have stable relationships in their life.
Your experience is valid. A lot of people with BPD control the narrative on social media and try to eliminate the voices that reflect the truth about the consequences of their disordered behavior... Such as abusing others and traumatizing them for life. They can heal if they take accountability and do the work. And learn how to treat others well. But they sure do spend a whole lotta time avoiding it and silencing survivors.
@maikid7840 You did so well at defending BPD abuse, attacking someone speaking out against the abuse, and reversing victim and offender as though the one who speaks up is somehow harming abusers! You get the DARVO badge! What a typical response.
Hey@maikid7840 , everything you say is true and I appreciate the push back. What I find interesting is what you say about trauma. I feel like people with BPD are just traumatized to no end. They often just had a childhood (and a society) that treated them wrong, disqualified their perspective etc. If they are abusive, there's no room to love them equally (right now) which is also true. But the way they search for love and try to hold onto it, really shines a light about how a traumatized mind and a traumatized body keep score. Every manipulation they use has been used on them first. They don't know how to be "eye to eye" with people, because nobody really took them seriously as the sensitiv beings they are. Often years of "not being seen" not being loved, not being respected as something with boundraries But once they understand that they need to heal from "people" that traumatised them and find people they can trust that deep down they are interested in companionship and compassion. Stay strong. Never lose faith or hope in finding love and trust. You don't need to blame yourself for the things other people with your "disorder" do. Don't sell yourself short. You are your own! But you're never on your own. I wish you the best :)
I was married to a woman with undiagnosed BPD for 7 years. She made the realization she may have BPD 5 days before she ended her life. My therapist and I had the paperwork to involuntarily commit her ready, just didn't do it in time. I experienced 7 years of an incredibly difficult relationship with her for her to then leave in a horrible way, right as I thought there was hope on the horizon for us. It was like walking through a minefield every single day. If I let out a bit of breath in a funny way, she would take that as an attack and immediately go on the defensive. EXPLOSIVE reactions all the time. So many times throughout our marriage I'd being standing there like "how did this happen?" after a blowup. It was genuinely shocking most of the time when she reacted to things, because the reactions seemed so disproportionate to what led them to be. She believed she was an empath and an HSP. I believe her hyper awareness of others' feelings was brought on from a traumatic childhood full of neglect and perfectionism. She slowly became the victim of all circumstance in her own mind, leaving no room for "hey that's life" type of stuff. It felt like I was being tortured most days. Like some sort of trick was being played on me for ultimate misery. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her to experience these things how she did. I remember watching this video at the beginning of the year and thinking "that sounds familiar" but just moving on from there. I wish I had done more to find help for my wife. I wish I had not put extra stress on her with my own problems. I wish I could go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now. Life's a treat.
I've been with my partner for 9 years, and never really knew what BPD is. About 6 months ago I "met" (online) someone with BPD and it all started to make sense. I've started researching and determined my partner most likely has it. I've been trying to figure out a way to lead him to help without an explosive fight, especially because he's been threatening suicide a lot lately.... 😧
Prayers to you brother. My mother with BPD ended her life recently after failing a rehab program. So tough as we all did everything we could for decades and she was always in so much pain. I know my dad and step dad have stories similar to yours. Doesn’t make it any easier.
This is a great video, thank you for making it! There's one thing I would look at differently - the core feature of BPD, not having a sense of self - I would argue that although that's definitely true, the core of it is actually one step deeper, believing you're a genuinely bad person. I did a lot of DBT therapy, I still do regular therapy to this day, and it maybe doesn't apply to others but for me personally, the core of it all was learning to love myself, and teaching my whole being that we're no longer perceiving ourselves as bad. As monsters, I dare say. I learned how to separate myself from my actions and words and thoughts, so that ultimately I could look at them objectively and not let them define me ("I said something bad" instead of "I'm bad because I said this"). I learned how to not let my own assumptions dictate my reality (eg. "I assume they might be cheating because they doesn't love me BUT they could have also simply fallen asleep - both could very well be true. I guess I need to wait to talk to them tomorrow to find out." instead of throwing their clothes out the door straight away). But all of these have the same base, learning to learn that I am not actually a bad person, but someone who deserves loves too, instead. Believe it or not, the identity part wasn't even explored much, because when I started to see myself in a kind, loving, differentiated way, I started to have that identify sense. Because I was finally confident (and kind to myself) enough as to start noticing what it is that I like or dislike, how I feel about certain topics and what my opinion is, etc., Self love was the core, for me.
This is similar to my experience. My earliest meomories revolve around feeling like people hated me, were disgusted by me and feared me. My childhood was steeped in the fear that my family or the townspeople would throw me into the lake in chains, lock me up in a padded cell for the rest of my life, or stone me to death. At every moment there is this deep conviction that I am absulute pure evil.. even though I would not even really be able to tell you what I did wrong. I also remember when I was five and read Lord of the Rings for the first time, I strangely envied the Nazghul because I thought "Well I am already as evil as them, but least they are not powerless. They can protect themselves." All of that while I am constantly trying my hardest to not hurt anybodies feelings, navigating people, and trying to take up as little space and ressources as possible because I feel I do not deserve to be accomodated. When it comes to self harm, one half of it is exactly as the Dr. descibes it; meditative. A way to focus when the emotional turmoil is so bad I can not even think anymore. THe other half though is about destroying the things that make me genuinly happy because I feel that since I am an evil person, I should not be allowed to enjoy life. So when I realize I like somethign or someone, when something gives me joy or matters to me, it has to go because I dont deserve it.
@@RexxyRobin I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I'm familiar with this pain and can only hope you'll keep pushing through it. It sounds to me that you're aware of it all, you're self aware, which is very hard to do. What I would do next is try my very best to tell myself otherwise - tell yourself you're kind, and courageous to navigate this world as well as you do, while being in great pain. Praise yourself after doing good things, from small to big ones, and face your mistakes with kindness, and responsibility. Treat yourself like you treat your most loved ones, with patience, care, indulgence, and love. And in time, after doing this every day, I'm telling you, something will start changing from within, and the pain will slowly go away. It'll be replaced by a warm feeling, and you'll finally understand how other people are living their lives as peacefully as they do. And if you can please get a therapist, having someone specialized there to help you is truly great.
This is so true, but it's very hard. I had therapy for years since I was diagnosed at 18 (I'm nearing 30 now), I hated myself more than I feel I'm even capable of hating myself now, and I thought that I was a bad person. I still struggle with feeling like a bad person, but when I dont feel like this I feel my own person, who is on equal level to everyone else, with likes and dislikes and opinions. It's weird how not feeling evil can make you feel like a solid person. I guess the things you like and dislike, opinions etc, are kind of suppressed because it feels like anything that is a part of you is bad because you are bad, so you never give yourself the chance to explore the things you like. I still find it so hard sharing even what music I listen to, because I think people are going to say it's bad or cringe. I even think that the music I like is trash. I don't even identify with it the way other people do and deny in myself how much I like and am influenced by what I listen to. It's only when someone forces out of me what music I listen to and then also like it do I feel like it's not terrible and cringe. Its like there's a wall between my experience and myself, I can't let myself fully experience my own opinions and positives incase they are wrong. It's very unstable, but I'm trying now to change that, it just takes a long while and also just getting older. Sometimes in life things happen and you just go "Nope!", you can't really deny that you don't want that thing in your life. For me as someone with bpd it's usually something that's been repeating for years.
When i was still with my ex-wife, i was like 85% sure she had BPD. Now I'm like 98% sure she had BPD. But, I think the end of our marriage and her subsequent (and for better or worse, awful) relationship put her on the right path to get over it. I haven't talked to her in years, but last I heard she's actually doing really good, which is awesome =)
If there is one thing I know about us bpd people is that we LOVE good understanding people talking about BPD. Likely because we feel so misunderstood/dismissed most of the time. And we LOVE to help each other out in comments alot from what I have noticed for some time haha. We are extremely empathic, we have big hearts made for BIG feelings. The part that hit me most was when you explained emotional pain felt like physical pain. It reminded me of my first long term relationship breakup like 15 years ago, I remember I just screamed my lungs out that it hurts so much. And every breakup since have been these messy things and just me feeling like a failure and lashing out. Today I struggle way more with internal negative thoughts, I usually explain it to others like I have this feeling of wanting to protect others from my own behavior. like I Imagine it in my head like my worse 3rd just belittling my inner small child, crying in a corner. And me just looking from the outside feeling sorry for the kid. But I still feel sort of helpless. What am I supposed to do to help? I can't even take care of myself most of the time. About the cutting, I absolutely feel it is so misunderstood by the majority of people. Its not a cry for attention, but also it kind of is? I know I used to do it just to like force myself out of a spiral of this loud critic in my head. I felt like this train is moving to fucking fast towards a mountain wall and I just wanted off, sort of feeling. At some point I just lost interest in cutting. Maybe I made it harder to access the way I "preferred" to do it I don't know. Its getting harder to allow emotions their chaotic freedom as I get older and need to "be an adult" and finding these ways to express to others how I feel without regressing into a child crying and breaking things, or splitting on everyone not understanding me, is so helpful to me at least. So yeah, thank you, and I hope we see more talk about BPD and like help each other find some different tools to maybe help manage and navigate our chaotic inner lives. - Also... if anyone is reading my line of text during a hard time in their life, I know this helped me to hear. If you ever have felt "okay" or "good" once, It probably will again. The feelings of despair aren't permanent, and will pass. If you can't make a thing happen right now its not going to happen right now and the goal right now would just be to live long enough for you to find yourself inside the eye of the storm. Even for just a moment of clarity to then be able to make A reasonable decision. So sleep on it, whatever it is you are worrying about, remember to be kind to yourself aswell :)
How you describe people not understanding you resonates with me so damn much. That feeling of never being understood or even listened to at times, at least for me, perpetuates a vicious cycle of feeling unloved and unlovable. So I reach out, get needy, especially with people in my life who have shown some amount of care for me on an emotional level. But of course, I feel they don't/can't understand me, and the cycle just goes on and on....
@@thomascarr6037 Maybe join some kind of bpd support group? Its not the same, yeah, but you know that the people there will at least understand you. UA-cam comments are too much of a wild west.
I really appreciate Dr K making this video. What I will add is the technical component of BPD, which is called "Splitting". BPD comes from experiencing trauma in your early years. The experience causes a SPLIT in your personality, one part gets overdeveloped, the other gets underdeveloped. When triggered, someone with BPD will experience a splitting incident. Your personality changes and you have no control over it - you will revert back to your underdeveloped self and act impulsively, becoming blind to the consequences . For me, it can happen up to 4 times a day. Dealing with variability in personality is exhausting and impossible to explain. That is the challenge with suffering with BPD, it is so complex, no one will understand. The good news is that it can be managed; I am a high functioning working professional with a family. There is no cure - it will not go away. It requires life long maintenance and vigilance. Diagnosis is more important than the cure; learning to live with BPD and sustain a high functioning life is possible.
A friend of mine who was diagnosed with BPD would often ask me if I'm angry while we're gaming side by side, while most of the time I frown because I am very focused. The section about having a bias towards negative emotions stood out to me because there have been other notable instances in which I reassured my friend that I am feeling alright.
I'm that friend. Not literally your friend who you game with, but I do the same thing. Things are too quiet and I fear they're upset, it impacts my ability to game so bad lol. Ty for reassuring your friend I bet he/she appreciates it
@@yuhhbaby3179looking back on past relationships where I stressed about that a ton, it was definitely insecurity making me assume I'd gotten the other person mad (with so little evidence). I think the best counters are ofc working on your confidence, but also finding people who are able to freely communicate with you about their emotions. It can be so reassuring when you build up that rapport with your person. Getting to a place where I can trust the people in my life to let me know if I've upset them is a win-win, it's helped me avoid a lot of passive aggression
Something else i wanted to add from a personal stand point, for me, with self harming it was ALSO a way to show people how much pain i was in inside. It was putting a face to the pain so people could see it.
@@maeb1280 I certainly believe other ppl when they say they are in pain!! It’s hard to believe others don’t believe opl just because THEY DON’T FEEL IT!
I am 40 and was recently diagnosed. All the pain and suffering my whole life finally makes sense and there is so much comfort in that. I am starting a DBT program soon and I’m really looking forward to it. Thank you so much for making a video like this with compassion and understanding!
Thanks Dr.K I appreciate having a mental health professional who didn't immediately stigmatize or be repulsed by BPD. I was diagnosed in my 20s and after the diagnosis, everything in my life made sense down to how and why I was reacting to things in the way that I did. After getting a diagnosis and treatment, so many things become better. Even when I'm going to have an episode, I'm able to communicate that I'm going to have an episode and I make sure to...it's cliche but I tell my husband it's not you it's me lol. I've also been hospitalized because of my BPD, and the treatment that I received there helped immensely. Having my husband and friends who are great support systems have helped and also leaving a toxic work environment (I was in the Navy for 6 years) and then finally admitting to myself what I was good at instead of trying to go for what was profitable helped even more in getting a grip with my BPD and "finding myself." I'm 29 right now and I am the happiest and most stable that I have been in years. I know how hopeless it can seem. But bruh, despite my disorder I was able to do 6 years in the Navy, I've had my best friend that I've known since 5th grade, a few weeks ago I was literally on the phone with another friend for 5 hours, I've been married to my husband for 5 years, and I'm almost done with my bachelor's degree in creative writing. We can do this. We can live a full and fulfilling life, have close relationships, have a stable romantic relationship, and pursue our dreams. You can do this. I hope people watch this video and know that not all people with BPD are villains. And I hope people with BPD watch this and realize they're not a lost cause.
Thanks. I have felt like a lost cause at times. But when I make new memories and enjoy the process of life I forget about any sort of idea of mental illness.
I'm a guy with BPD and I want to say, I was a total wreck 3 years ago, on the edge of suicide. I have been in a stable relationship for 3 years now and been getting regular therapy sessions for 2 and there are no words that can convey or describe how much better I feel and function now.
I am also a male who suffers from BPD I was in a long term relationship (would be six years on the 25th and she left me on September 15) the relationship was really good and I was actually feel long term happiness and quit my harmful tendencies but once she left it got worse and I’m struggling to find anything that brings me back to feel anything I’m happy that therapy is helping you
The nerves on fire from overwhelming emotional input is definitely relatable. And it’s like the pain is so intense that it keeps you from being able to talk through it.
This video is very informative and validating. I really wasn't sure exactly what my issues were/are until now. Oddly I've gotten so much better in the past 15-20 years using mindfulness and meditation and a few other things. There are times I feel uncertain rather than insecure. But I certainly was always in the trainwreck instant relationships and the pain was unbelievable. And I could not get across to anyone just how much it hurt. Being called overreactive only made it worse. One thing that helped me very much and still does is a book called The Four Agreements and for learning mindfulness in the beginning I had a copy of The Power of Now. Thanks for this video.
Thank you for first describing what BPD feels internally. I teared up when you talked about the strong emotions. Because yeah, sometimes it feels like hell on earth, when I suffer, but sometimes it also just hurts knowing, that the person I love will never be able to love me back as strongly
Oh yes… the last part. I constantly wanna break up with my boyfriend because I can’t stand that I love him so terribly much, knowing he can’t love me back that way. I’m doing pretty good with my BPD because I worked really hard for years to entirely understand the disorder on a deeper level and to recognize all the disordered behavior in order to eliminate it, but this love thing will never be easy for me. I just crave that strong love for myself and it feels so unfair that I can’t…
@@caitlinsomers3600 I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Caitlin. I mean, I obviously don’t know you or your boyfriend, but I just “graduated” from a 7 year course in BPD. I knew nothing at all about it when she and I met, and it was (and, frankly, still is…even after our breakup) terribly confusing, disorienting, and so on. Needless to say we went through countless cycles of breakup and reunion over the years. Guess how many times I initiated a split? Zero. I loved her deeply. Part of me still does, but I am emotionally exhausted. To the point that I can’t even imagine beginning a romantic relationship with another woman. Maybe someday?
Yes, but all the criteria can look like other disorders. We often get misdiagnosed as bipolar or ADHD. My sister is a narcissists and doesn’t know it and she thinks she is bipolar. She also doesn’t realize that our father was a narcissist. Hence why she is now. And why I developed BPD.
I’m literally crying right now. I was diagnosed with bpd the beginning of this year. Now I’m finally learning about it. This whole video has described me from the very beginning. Now I just want to know how to fix it! For years I’ve been telling my mom I just want to be normal… whatever that is. I have kids, and I really just want to be the best version of myself for them.
believe me. i’m with you esp that last part. like the want to be normal even tho you’re well liked like then you think you’re even more wrong and feel guilty… like this shit is so fucking unbelievably silently painful.
Watching this video was a life changing moment, wasn't it? I was diagnosed in 2000 at 23 years old. Had no clue until 3 weeks ago what it was. I'm now 47 and trying to reclaim life. I cried so hard when I first watched it. Like he was in my head describing me and now I finally know what is wrong with me. Amazing! I'm going to tell you the one thing I learned over the years.... Love yourself. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself. You deserve it. And earn it. I wish you all the best
This is by FAR the best video I've seen on BPD. I cried literally the whole way through because someone with a professional background truly understands and sympathizes with how we feel on a daily basis. Every single part hit home for me... I had to pause the video multiple times to let out a horrific cry because everything just hit perfectly.. I am currently going through the worst episode I've possibly ever experienced since being diagnosed due to another individual with BPD.... so its very refreshing to know more about myself and I guess him too, in a way that makes us understand our minds. Thank you for this video!
I have known that I have BPD for a long time and this is the most accurate description I have ever heard. My biggest problem getting help has always been that I am trying to keep my head above water and dealing with the consequences of bad relationships and quitting jobs consistently and being caught in a 17 year alcohol and drug addiction on top of it. It’s like every time I would make some progress and attending therapy I would get into a bad relationship or relapse and then I would be off the road of trying to get help for a long time. I am now at a point where I am 31 years years old and three months sober, attending AA daily and living a healthy lifestyle. I never had an official diagnosis which blows my mind because I went to rehab where there was specialists and have been in and out of therapist and psychiatric offices since I was 12 years old. No one ever diagnosed me but I know for sure I have it. Therapists and psychiatrists have always told me I am an addict with complex PTSD and moderate depression and an anxiety disorder. I am going to be getting a diagnosis soon and hoping I can finally start doing DBT consistently and stay on track.
I got diagnosed recently and while I already know most about having BPD and I agree with what you're saying, I've rarely clicked so quick on a video. I love the way you talk about it and it helps put some things in perspective.
Eureka moment! 😮 This video has helped me massively to see how much I depend on others for my sense of self-worth! To have little sense of self is like being a partially empty cup and allowing others to fill it for you, but still feeling empty! Lack of self also results in lack of self expression. Many, many thanks.
Thank you for being such a beautifully empathetic human being - im 30 yo and was diagnosed with BPD two years ago, but still struggle to understand myself...and to hear another person for the first time in my life see that struggle and not shame it, but shed light on it..ive never felt this feeling before, and im so so so so so so so so so thankful, omg thank you
A friend of mine has been through everything you’re talking about and I have increasingly realized has severe BPD. He was hooking up with an abusive partner who wanted an open relationship and he subsequently went through everything you’ve been talking about, from immediately deciding he was going to fall in love with her and that she was the one, to not being able to get over it even more than a year after, to the dissociation, self injurious, impulsive behavior. When we last spoke he informed me he was seeking help for his condition and I sincerely hope he has. He’s always had struggles, but over the last few years h his fear of abandonment ramped up to 11 and I’ve watched him tragically retreat from the world and dissociate from everything outside of his house. Outside of his room. I’ve had to take a step back due to a lot of very unhealthy habits that the two of us got into that began damaging my personal life, and a strong sense that I was holding him back from growth and that we were growing in different directions. There are multiple factors I won’t get into here. I still love him and miss him and hope he is getting the treatment he needs.
thank you for this. I have BPD and I've struggled to understand what BPD is and how it affects me. and watching this was incredibly eye-opening because you were literally talking about me. it was so spot on it freaked me out a little bit but then I finally felt like I was understood by someone and I can understand myself more from watching this. I need help BIG time. I'm 36, an alcoholic and a substance abuser. I have been self-harming since I was very young, I'm talking 8 years old. I was self-harming before I knew what it was to self-harm. I don't like being around people. I don't leave my apartment very often. I have terrible anxiety and I suffer from panic disorder, I constantly fight panic attacks, it's extremely exhausting. I also have chronic depression and I have CPTSD to top it all off. I'm a mess and the thought of treatment is terrifying having to go through all the stuff I hold on to but then I think I go through it daily so whats the different? In the end, I may have more control over everything that I go through or have been through. I have no idea who I am when I see myself in the mirror, that's why I avoid looking and when I look, most times I wanna smash the mirror. I really want to be free! I really want to know what it truly feels like to be happy and content in the world that I see through my eyes. end rant.
BPD/ADHD/Anxiety/Depression here. Abandonment was a huge problem because my dad left when I was 8 and with no contact until I was 14. I’ve also tried dating several times and never got to the first date except one time. I don’t think I’ve matured in this area because my response now when someone chooses to walk away, I let them without any fight. It could be anybody. A part of me thinks it’s easier that way, but also leaves me wondering if I truly cared about them (I don’t socialize much so lack of touches = blunts feelings of needing them.
I got diagnosed with BPD last week.. you really described BPD well especially for such a complex disorder. You put the audience in their shoes and your examples make it so much easier to understand I also watched your narcissism videos and convinced myself i was a narcissist.. felt so confused.. but this video really helped me put everything together if that makes sense. Thank you 🙏
Wow this was really helpful to understand my behaviors. I was recently diagnosed so I'm still struggling to remain in control. But learning about BPD and therefore being more aware of what's going on helps pull me out of my own head and look at things differently, with less self hatred. Also I had no idea there is hope to get better!! Soo relieved
I have BPD and work as a middle school counselor. As strange as it sounds I think being surrounded by constant emotional turmoil has helped ground me a bit! You can’t teach teens to regulate their emotions without being able to identify the coping mechanisms yourself 😅
You shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children and if you gave two shits about their well-being you'd resign immediately. But who am I kidding. Middle school counselors are the lowest form of life on the planet. How many pedophiles are you protecting at your school?
I have been researching BPD for about 2yrs now and I have to say that this was by far one the most straightforward and informative videos I’ve seen. It really helped me to understand some things I’ve been experiencing but couldn’t explain. Thank you !
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Substance Disorder happens on an instictual level involving self betterment in form of biohacking, since BPD or not, you need the necessary sensitivity.
To your point about this chameleon behaviour, it's somewhat of an ability and can be trained.
Being able to excite yourself about whatever thing and then mimicry someones mastery of it, improves learning rate by alot.
I found this very helpful thanks
I think that borderline people are very sensitive and gather easily deep wounds and they have adopted their reactive ways in order to deplete fast any perceived threats because they hurt deeply, also they choose to numb their pains too fast and are in need to learn important coping strategies to avoid becoming toxic bullies degenerates.
Is there a monthly payment or something? I can't really be paying 30 for a single session. :( Plus a monthly subscription would "force" me to actually commit to doing it :O
I think an important point is that people who have BPD don't feel like they are *pretending* to like the interests of others. They get caught up and lost in the energy.
I do have my personality like my music taste but if someone I like doesn’t like it I get upset but I think that’s Normal
@@alientooth9125 Do you feel like you're pretending to like what others like or do you genuinely become interested in it?
@@bela-sofia34 like my sister so when she got into this phase I got into it, or when she went vegan I went vegan.
@@alientooth9125 Right but why? Because it was interesting to you? Because you wanted to make your sister happy or spend time with her?
@@bela-sofia34 no I didn’t had an personality and at that time I really like my sister alot and she was the only person.
Hearing a doctor say ‘it hurts so fucking much’ is the most validating thing I’ve ever heard and did make me cry a bit
me too
I appreciate his honesty and realistic/ empathetic approach
I completely agree!!
The pain is so intense, like my soul is dying all too often....thank you so much for speaking of it in the way you do!!! It makes sense.
Also, the self harm is explained so well because that's how it feels. It instantly stops the emotional pain and you can breathe.
right!!! i started crying immediately had to replay it a few times
16:01 “Who I am is determined by how I’m treated” is so spot on.
Legit. All it takes for me to internally spiral downwards emotional is something very slight. It's maddening because I am ultimately powerless over how people treat me.
This is worrying to me because I'm like this, and I don't have BPD to my knowledge
Pygmallion Effect
I’m pretty much like this these days because of my undiagnosed BPD I’ve had no doubt for many years. And when I get p!ssed off I be like this when I’m devalued and disrespected. It eats at me when I get mad because I’m not kind and I have trouble at calming myself down or calm down after doing my bad side in my behaviour and attitude. I call myself the hulk when I’m angry. I’m so new to BPD and it’s a new diagnosis for me.
Hunnit, I was chatting with a chick we kinda started a thing I got attached to that attention, then she got distant, and now I sit here alone in my own head
Thank you for being a creator who actually acknowledges the high recovery rate to BPD instead of creating a narrative that we're hopeless. I no longer meet the criteria after 15 years of hard work and I'm just so grateful to hear a video that mentions this.
Good work, by the way. Self-work seems difficult, but it sounds like you've put in the effort.
Congrats!
Good stuff
Love to see it
I know what it's like to escape from something that drained you of any possible hope for recovery.
i feel so god damn happy for you man. Good on you
For me, the worst part of BPD is the feeling of unbearable guilt that leads me to very dark places. I have my own likings, I like to stand on a stable ground by myself, I tend to do hardest things by myself. I deal with my feelings on my own, there are good and bad days as for everybody. But whenever I break my own pattern, usually with my anger, rage, even if I stop myself on time, I tend to feel guilty about it for days and days and that's what's destroying me the most.
so fucking relatable literally
Please remember you’re a SURVIVOR!!❤
It's not just the guilt, it's more in ur head that hurts. It's horrible I know.
You might try self-empathy, that has worked wonders for me. I just ask myself about my needs and emotions. And after i have got carried away i offer empathy both to the part that got carried away and the inner critic that is berating this part for the mistake
I'm the same way. Even when someone DOES do something not nice to me, I feel awful about the way I react to it. I know it's extreme, but I also feel in extremes. I wish people would understand, though I know I must do better to get that people will never get "it"
My grandpa called it 'Tender hearted syndrome'.
He told me before he passed that life is going to be hard for me because I had tender hearted syndrome. Later on I was diagnosed with BPD.
You are the first person I have listened to that described it well.
I had a lot of trauma growing up. Therapy really helped.
I'm coming off of my meds now because I am stagnating in therapy. I need to feel them to move forward.
Healing is possible. Hard. Oh it is so hard. But I believe it will be worth it.
Tender hearted syndrome… that’s beautiful
So much luck and love to you. Your grandad sounds like he was a beautiful soul.
@@kyliemack1131 He was. I miss him every day. He sits on top of my fridge now. They took care of me and I'm taking care of them now.
So you think therapy works and is worth it?
Just asking because I’ve always been on the fence about it. Don’t know anyone personally who does therapy.
@@xdmztryvsvedine2773 Therapy saved my life and my husband's. It really is worth it. There is a lot of heartache finding a good therapist but they are out there.
I legit started crying when you mentioned how people with BPD suffer emotionally because I thought about all the time people thought I was being irrationally upset, and there was something wrong with me for feeling the intensity of the emotions I did. To actually hear someone say it out loud...it is not a feeling I can easily describe
I agree.
It happened to me too when my close friends and boyfriend at the time urged me to do research. I was scared because of my previous history with the medical field but mental is completely different so I looked into it. I bursted out in tears because it was like whoever wrote about the symptoms and causes of the disorder were writing out my life. It was painful and even still I deny it so much. It’s hard to reach for help for a diagnosis too. It’s not like I’m unaware but it’s something that’s difficult to catch during episodes and correct the behavior and the emotions are so strong
Not all do 😴😴😴
@someone Personality disorder sufferers , Are stuck in fight or flight mode , It can be changed though, First of all , Stop beating your self up , Find self , Speak to self , Research into the fight or flight patterns of people , We as sufferers tend to be stuck in fight or flight mode , But you can switch it , By finding self .
Well...to be fair many of those times you were being irrational upset. You may have been feeling things extremely, however that doesn't change the behavior u exhibited. Don't start using these videos as an excuse mechanism to rationalize your bad behavior.
I suffer with BPD. it is exhausting. I loose my temper and then will be physically sick for days. The guilt eats me alive. My first husband ended his life before I was diagnosed. The fact that I am still alive without him breaks my heart. My last words to him was in anger. Guilt and regret is with me everyday.
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I’m so sorry 😞 that’s difficult to live with. Wherever he is, I’m sure he forgives you.
❤
@@LM-uq9nv I'm autistic, I have abandonment issues. Might be best not to generalize.
Yeah, I almost ended my life too because of my ex with BPD.
I was crying the whole way through. It felt like the first time that (despite having a clinical diagnosis) a medical professional actually understands the struggles I deal with and actually validate those struggles. Thank you for doing what you do.
It sounds rough, but probably you will get better!
Literally feeling the same way. This was so important. Im sharing this video with friends
I feel like it's THE most stigmatized disorder fr
Best of luck to you! I have my own different issues btw. Something I always need to remember is that we're all just completely individual people first and foremost.
@@colinhay1666 YES.
I have BPD and with years of dialectical behavior therapy and mood stabilizers I finally managed to hold down a job and I stayed out of all relationships for 4 years. Now I'm making friends but not clingy to them. I haven't hurt myself in years. And I just started to try dating again. I spend 14 years struggling and now I'm 29 and I feel like I'm finally standing on stable ground.
I'm so proud of you! That's insane progress, it must have taken a lot of effort
how did u get it
@@Arman_sleezy abusive grandmother and siblings
I did dialectical behaviour therapy too, and it was amazing.
Im still afraid of making friends 😂 but i have a stable job and relationship
@@Cookedandcreepy damn i have depression but i feel hopeless all the time i don’t kno what’s goin on or what to do
The fact that Harvard denied your acceptance multiple times before finally letting you in will forever blow my everloving mind. You are light years ahead of most U.S. psychiatrists. I'm so grateful. Thank you for all that you do.
another example of why you never give up, hes absolutely brilliant
Plenty of great people don’t get into medical, dental, vet school etc first try even when they deserve it just because of how few spots there are
Yes I agree he def is way ahead of his years.
Just another book reader 👌 each person's bpd is perosnal to them , His commentary on the BPD is wrong .
Keep speaking you know thank you 🙏🏽 🙏🏽💯🙌💥💣♌️
Stopped in on this video to learn more about one of my friends, to understand them better. To anyone suffering from this illness, know I am proud of you, even if you don't feel proud of yourself. I'm just a random stranger, hoping I can grow closer to someone who means the world to me.
You are a good friend.
Please give them that extra positive attention they crave. I lost everyone in my life because of the negativity I experience.
To see what is viewed as a flaw in someone and still wish to help and be around them. That's a true friend. Keep it up! I thank you and I'm sure your friend will forever be grateful
I recently got diagnosed with BPD as an adult and came across this video. The part where he's describing how BPD brains can pick up if someone is unhappy at 30% just hit me hard because that feels so accurate. I could mildly inconvienece someone by bumping their shopping cart and spilling their drink and then think that person is still annoyed with me by the time I go to sleep
And imagine feeling and reacting to those 30% all the time in our friendships, romantic relationships and with family. My ex always used to say "you always knlw how I feel before I do". I struggle with listening to words and actions because I only hear the energy. 😔
I will still be thinking about it years later!
It’s exhausting.
@@MCP920 haha, i hate bpd 9/10 i would rate it my favorite personality disorder just cuz i have it maybe, i thought i had depression but i been studying on personally disorders and think i have bpd, almost thought i had psychosis too. idk if i have bpd maybe going to get checked out also i’m a teen. sry abou the goofy ahh long reply, just wanted to say i relate to ur comment 👍 but we up 🗣️🔥🔥🔥💯👍
@@jacobstdenis4055 I find a lot of overlapping with my disorders. I’m older now, but have struggled since my memories from around age 3.
I used to become frustrated because it was all trial and error treatments. It isn’t like something you can have your blood drawn and get an answer.
I’ve fortunately figured out that it’ll be alright. I realized I’ve never not had this, so I don’t know any different.
I do grieve some of the people I’ve lost, but I have a handful that stick it out with me.
Hope you’re doing well.
My sister was diagnosed not long ago and it is very hard to understand her. I like that watching these videos are helping me understand her better, but that part of the video also made so much sense to me. She often gets confrontational accusing us of being mad and we have never understood why, but with this new information I have a better idea to make our relationship less volatile at least on my end.
I was diagnosed with BPD almost 10 years ago. I am proud to say I have beat this disorder. It was a long journey but I no longer have any of the 9 criteria, which when I was first diagnosed I had all of them. It took a lot of self-reflection and accountability; learning to love myself and allowing people to leave my life and understanding if they did that does not reflect my self-worth. This video is amazing! Thank you for the work and help you give to people! It is possible to heal from this disorder!
@Joltacks You seem to have a lot of big feelings. It is possible to overcome the BPD symptoms with therapy, and sometimes it takes a while, maybe it won’t be 100% perfect, but the point is to make your life manageable. Look up some DBT treatments near you, it’s the best known treatment for BPD with a pretty solid success rate.
I’m so proud of you. That’s a lot of work. ❤
Coming from someone who is undiagnosed but has almost all of the nine criteria, what are some tips for getting through this journey, did you have any aha moments?
@@donnalowe292 if possible see a professional. It could be BPD but it also could NOT be BPD. I understand mental health care isn’t available, affordable, or practical for everyone so no disrespect or condescension is intended.
I'm just diagnosed with NPD.
Intense emotional suffering- they feel sadness, we feel the absolute depths of sorrow and grief. They feel slightly annoyed, we feel enraged. They feel happy, we feel ecstatic. Both a blessing and a curse. I've spent my entire life trying to control my BPD. Something most people without it don't understand is that is mentally exhausting keeping our emotions in check, if we are able. Everyday is a struggle and takes so much energy to not act out of turn. It's literally exhausting. We don't want to be this way, and most of us try our best to contain it.
We really don't want to be this way and the feeling of guilt/shame is so much worse when you know you can't control what you're feeling and how it's effecting loved ones around you
Thank you for this. My former best friend has BPD and this gives me understanding.
AMAZING , explanation Excellent, based on so much knowledge, work experience, love, wisdom and compassion. Congratulations!
I wrote a text a short time ago explaining this level of intensity... the worst thing is that after the high always comes the low and whoever feels that high knows that we want that high as something to live for... but then when you have it nothing prevent this down!
Absolutely.. it’s hell living with this illness
It always feels like BPD content is directed towards people who have been harmed by someone with BPD. It’s nice to finally find a video that’s about the actual person with BPD
Yes❤
That's because they are destroying people in their lives. Instead of getting the help they need. THATS WHY. And everyone around them has to deal with their screw ups. Knowing full well the consequences of theie actions.
@@brockbrawn1524Anyone is capable of hurting someone, whether or not they have BPD. And you'd find that if you had the power to comb through and analyse the human race you'd probably be able to diagnose most people with something
I have BPD and have strong healthy relationships. My illness was directed at myself rather than others, but it was people without BPD that traumatised me in my childhood
Painting people with the same brush isn't helpful no matter the reason
@brockbrawn1524 you are part of the problem. Get help. Leave bpd people alone. Just cuz you had one shit experience doesn't immediately make all people with bpd bad. You can have bpd and be a good person or have bpd and be a bad person, just like with any other mental health issues or nuerotypical and mentally stable people. A disorder doesn't make you shit person, being a shit person makes you a shit person. Which YOU are a shit person for pushing stigma and lies.
@@another_loser6976
Tim Fletcher.
As a person recovered from (and studying) BPD, one correction I would make is that people with BPD experience extremes of both attachment AND detachment-of idealization AND devaluation. So when we go through breakups, we actually don’t often mourn the relationship excessively for a longer than average amount of time. Rather, the pattern I’ve noticed in myself and friends with BPD is that we’re extremely miserable about it for a shorter amount of time, perhaps a month, and then all of a sudden there’s this instant detachment that happens and we flip into the opposite of the deep attachment we felt before. We suddenly feel indifferent to or even grossed out by the person we were just mourning intensely the previous night.
I agree. I didnt like how he focused on romantic relationships because I find with my BPD I create really co-dependant friendship duos that are super intense for a few months. I think this new person is the coolest person ever and idolize them but often times something just switches and one day I find them annoying, lame, and very uncool. This usually happens when I meet someone else and am starting the cycle over with them.
Truuuue
every case is different, BPD experiences are very subjective, but I have experienced both situations and what you're saying is very true sometimes
Sounds like autism to me
I couldn't agree more. Tbh, i have never felt more seen or understood. I feel like a lot of the stigma is people completely misunderstanding intentions as well as actions.
Yooo you hit the nail DIRECTLY on the head when you spoke about only being able to see the 30% anger despite 70% happiness - im realizing that this is why it’s so hard for me to interact with others sometimes because you can really tell when they’re uncomfortable and then once I notice discomfort I immediately feel it and can’t help but express it causing a loop of awkwardness/uncomfortableness
Same omggg
@@Smurffshordy aye we can work through it with God’s blessings and guidance alongside Dr. K
Dang it that's so true. For me it's that I can know how the other person feels about me and they maybe even said so recently. But one comment or sentence can make you think spiral and feel hurt. And if you are bold enough to bring it up it can hurt them and if you can't do it you get negative feelings towards them. It sucks ...
Ding ding ding. You explained me to a T
@@Wafer201 I'm trying to understand my friend who has this, no matter how much I tell Her I love her and everything's good - She's constantly going to just believe thats not true Because every interaction we have with each other isn't perfect. (She's not trying to get help with her disorder at all) So that's unfair to everyone else around who aren't even allowed to have normal human emotions because one little thing well absolutely set her off. 😓
As someone who suffers with this condition I want to say thank you. This was the most honest yet non judgmental explanation I've ever heard. It's nice to hear someone understand the why behind what we do and not cast us out to be horrible people. We can get better.
ikr! i’m diagnosed with bpd as well and honestly, it’s so spot on and it makes me feel so.. heard. i explain it to my partner and try to have him understand, but there is so many explanations that over saturate bpd and make it out to be a terrible thing. it’s really fucking hard dealing with this tho. but i remember when my psychiatrist diagnosed me when i was like 17, it felt like the most accurate diagnosis ever for me. i truly felt understood and then going to dbt group therapy as a support made me feel less alone. but yeah, i still struggle but i totally agree with you
try being a guy with BPD it's way worse.
@@natemate7328 Way worse. Guys don’t get the emotional support and understanding like girls do when they come forward about this stuff, especially went it comes to their partners. Had a girl I been talking to for a *year* stonewall me for going on multiple weeks now because of these issues I tried opening up about, and I doubt we’re going to be the sam if we ever pick back up. She apparently sees me as weak now and was hoping to be the one showered in emotional comfort and energy like most women I’ve talked to. Really hard having to fend for yourself all the time
@@natemate7328 depends on if the guy with BPD is violent and dangerous. The two guys I knew with BPD, one of them being my ex, are very violent and aggressive. They destroy furniture, hurt animals, and threaten people. It's understandable if they would get treatment, but even after being diagnosed they refuse therapy and terrorize the people close to them and then pretend that they're a victim with no self control.
Yes but you have to work
This is probably 90% spot on for me.
The fear of abandonment is because I HAVE been abandoned. I HAVE lost friendships. I HAVE lost romantic relationships.
It's not an unreasonable fear.
I don't really become a chameleon because I have always been able to follow things that I am actually passionate about.
I'm a creative/maker and go through a lot of different mediums, but that's pretty common with artists.
But so much of what you've said rings true.
Yep
Yes but if you're old enough to be involved in a sexyal relationship then you're too old to be abandoned by anyone but yourself. Think about it.
Personally I think there's a developmental stage people with bpd are stuck at which is 8 -9 months old when separation anxiety starts in infants
Right. But I think he's saying that, all other things being equal, the fear of abandoned is more intense for ppl with bpd 💁♀️.
Yeah and those things caused it. Plus being in a relationship with someone who has similar issues it’s an intense chaotic roller coaster I’ve made that mistake before.
I got my BPD diagnosis at a fairly young age. I had the incredible privilege to go into very extensive therapy right when my symptoms started to spiral. One of the first things my therapist ever told me stuck with me, always:
'It's like being alive with no skin, Everything hurts, all the time. One single poke may mean nothing to someone with skin but with BPD it will hurt for hours. But thankfully skin grows and regenerates, just like you will'
I can now proudly say that i no longer have a Borderline diagnosis. Healing from this disorder takes time and patience, but it is the greatest feeling ever. I hope that everyone here with a diagnosis or in the flow of getting one can get the help they need to win their battles!
Now what your therapist told you will stick with me too, awesome analogy. Thank you for sharing that♥️
I think one of the powerful things in recovering/minimizing the disorder is awareness. Even people with very minimal bpd symtoms will improve alot by being aware of their thought process and actions.
Kind of reminds me of the time I wrote on myself a lot with pen, like A LOT a lot... because I was told that ink poisoning was a thing, and I thought it could potentially kill me with nobody noticing what was going on- then my skin got really sensitive where it could be poked and it hurt so much. I stopped writing on myself and I couldn't write on myself for like 2 years or it would bring that sensitivity back for a bit. Took months for the sensitivity to fade to begin with.
Being alive with no skin... wow, great description.
I used to have this as well in high school also having toxic parents kinda made it worse. Once I left hs I started going to therapy for a bit and uni rlly helped me find myself. My sense of self is so much better than before and idk if I grew out of it or smt but no longer struggle w this anymore
My partner has BPD and a lot of the things you said just apply perfectly. She had a job with a really toxic work environment and she had a really tough time there. Our relationship got rocky partially because of that, partially because of me. She got another job with a healthy and socially stimulating work environment, we worked our personal stuff out and she was finally able to quit antidepressants. Antidepressants kinda felt like they were just numbing her down. Ever since, she is more lively, active and affectionate. I'm also a rather affectionate person so we just kinda bounce off of each other.
But damn, the part about people with BPD, that they recognise frustration immediately and think it's their fault... that's completely new info for me, but it makes so much sense. Like if I just have a tiring, bad day, she just notices it in a moment, while other people wouldn't. Thank you for this video, it was a really good one.
And for people with BPD - you are not unloveable at all. You just kinda need to find that person who resonates with you and is willing to study this condition a bit. Not gonna lie, there were difficult parts, but it's worth it. She makes it worth it.
Thank you
Right there with you friend. With all the ups and downs of trying to manage her BPD, I've truly never felt more steady with my life than when I started being with my wife.
thank you for saying this. thank you for making me feel that someone like me deserves to be loved.
Thanks, man. I hope one day to find someone like you. You are the rarest breed of person.
Your message made me cry... Must have been just what I needed to hear haha. Bless you both ♡
I appreciate the empathy that you describe this disorder with. As a therapist I REALLY appreciate this.
What is your experience or thoughts with the following scenario?
Despite many years of professional treatment, group therapy, for the BPD individual and for the other members of the family, I’m at the point where I need to protect our family from this person. This person may very well devolve and really hurt themselves or someone else, but they will certainly destroy the family otherwise. It’s not their fault, but it’s not a rabid animal’s fault either, but one must protect themselves from a wild animal with rabies.
@@brettcordes3602 the person is abusive because they’re abusive; not because of their bpd
@@brettcordes3602 Actually.... it is their childhood care giver's fault. If you are comparing them to a "rapid animal" then back off and let them get a break from you......let the trash take itself out as the saying goes... they can't heal if they are exposed to your toxicity
The number of (incorrect) assumptions you’ve made about my situation in such a short amount of time is so stunning, it’s actually a form of miracle. How on earth could you presume to know anything about my family? I wish you luck navigating this world.
How on earth could you presume to know about 200 million people that you’ve never met…
Maybe reflect on that for a couple minutes. If you are in fact capable of self reflection.
This video is my therapist. This video single handily has help me through the hardest times in my life. Thank you
I think it’s also so important to know that we don’t try to be manipulative on purpose. I don’t even realize I am acting out or being “manipulative” in the moment because my emotions are so high and intense.
THIS.
yeah I 😬 while watching this because I realized I was being super manipulative just last night. A friend hasn't been talking to me for a while, I feel ignored bc she never wants to hang out with me anymore suddenly. When she finally got back to me yesterday and apologized for being absent I said she doesn't need to apologize and I dont wanna force her to hang out with me. When she called I didn't say much and I left the call after a few minutes. I'm actually really angry at her bc I feel like I have to remind "friends" I exist. I didn't mean to be manipulative I was just expressing how angry I was.
I can definitely see where I fucked up here and how frustrating this may be.
Aaaaand I have no idea what the solution is.
And rabid dogs don't bite on purpose. They don't realize they're vile disgusting creatures that should be eliminated from society anymore than borderlines do, but please, tell us all how your fucking feelings are more important than EVERYONE ELSE'S SAFETY AND WELL BEING.
Dbt
@@Space_Ghost_Hunter thank God someone else said it!
YES, the prognosis for BPD is very good! I am several years into my treatment and it has done wonders. Please, if you are suffering with this, get the people who love you together and figure out a way to get yourself professional treatment. It’s so important. I went years and years before getting help and I almost didn’t make it. There IS hope. Thank you for the video GG❤
What's the name of the treatment? My friend has BPD and might benefit from proper therapy/treatment.
How did you afford it?
@@thelotus3 i wish we could make a community fund for mental health management. Donating to help people get treatment for mental health needs. Wish our tax could just be allocated to take care of this, but...
Is it? I got turned away for treatment
I don’t trust modern medical or psychologists anymore after Covid, I will have to work through it on my own
You seriously may have just saved my life. Nobody has understood my disorder at all. And im so horribly horrible at helping them understand because i get so emotional. I can never thank you enough for this small piece of content. This is the begining of my redemption arch and i feel i wouldnt have been able to understand it myself without you. Ty
If this is a legit comment congrats on the realizations! Hope you heal and get to whatever you need :)
@@Woofus_Poofus it was and I have :) still have some bad days but have made massive improvements
You CAN get better! You ARE WORTHY OF CARE! The world needs you!
I'm glad you're healing ❤ Also I love your pfp, Korn is amazing ❤
I honestly don’t give a crap anymore if people understand I’m 34 everyone knows I have BPD I’ve tried to get them to watch videos explaining the shit I feel inside and why I am the way I am I’ve tried to talk about it they know I take medication but they just brush it off like it’s not even there, the only people who understand me are my biological siblings, we all grew up in foster care, we share a lot of the same trauma.
Every single point in this video hit home for me-it’s like you are literally describing how I feel. Love your videos but this is my favorite one so far. Thank you for presenting the disorder in a compassionate and understanding way, as you said the disorder is very stigmatized. We don’t choose for our brains to work like this and we often have guilt etc. because we realize it when we do damage, but it’s like watching someone go around ruining our lives and we can’t stop them.
As some one with BPD I fully understand all of this video but I thought I should mention that it's not just one emotion that sticks with you for 8 or so hours. Imagine going through a day with a lot of ups and downs emotionally (which is common cause usually our life styles are really chaotic). You'd get angry at something in the morning, a little lonely at lunch, happy in the afternoon and scared in the evening. By the time you get home you're carrying all these emotions together at the same time, so it's very easy to get overwhelmed by just existing in the same world and experiencing daily life with others. This was so bad that I had to spend a full year in isolation so I can lower the amount of triggers in my life so that I could learn to manage each emotion one by one. It's very tiring to live in such a state and I'm glad someone made a video explaining it without demonizing it
Damn, you JUST described my day to day the last 3 fucking years. I wonder if it could be anything else or if this is the problem. Daaaamn, thank you for sharing it is validating to not just be told to buck up. It really is overwhelming and doesn't resolve in a 24 hour day.
I call my feelings about myself and the world rapid cycling I can love or hate back and forth like fifty times within a few minutes also I'm more unstable early in the day and tend to be calm at the end of the day
Its like an invisible person is pressing a remote to our emotions as if it were a video game!
This sensitivity is why people like me with asd click good with bpd people, our sensitivity overlaps so well that we understand each other on a core level haha
Thank you for putting how I feel into words, you have no idea how positively impactful this was to read for me
I'm undiagnosed but I've never felt more understood in my life. I cried watching this. Even if I somehow have something else (not BPD), I still feel closer to understanding myself and how I can live a healthy life. Thank you so much for spreading awareness.
Your comment resonates with me. I’m certain I don’t have this however the emotional part of it is spot on. The tender hearted symptom as quoted by another is so right. Also I feel guilty about things I should not feel guilty about. It’s difficult and suffer from cognitive dissonance. For last several months in a relationship that I know is not right for me, yet I act like the girlfriend. He loves me and wants me but I know I should just be single and heal myself first.
I'm absolutely not diagnosing you but something I've noticed folks talking about in a few different threads on BPD is that BPD and autism have an insane amount of overlap in symptoms, as far as emotional regulation, so diagnosing between the two can often be pretty inaccurate and it's worth considering both if you're relating to the symptoms
There’s so many of us here coming to that same realization. It explains SO FUCKING MUCH. But at least we all can recognize it and start working on how to be better. Hope y’all are doing good, and if not we all gotta start trying to be at least.
No more sitting inside of it helpless. Recognize it and stomp it the fuck out homies
I became convinced I was borderline. My therapist figured out that it's just that i'm autistic but I also have complex post traumatic stress disorder from being raised by narcissists & then ending up a relationship with one
@@octoberdawn1087 Complex post stressed traumatic disorders, borderline personality disorder and ADHD have serval over lapping symptoms.
For me, I don't copy what other people like, I genuinely like what they like, but the reason why I get into it is because I see them enjoying it and think "woah, this must be amazing" so I hyperfocus on it for a week or two and it may stick or not, but the only thing it has to do with the other person is that it feels like I have a connection with that person while I am hyperfocusing on their interests, if that makes any sense.
Trying new things because you saw someone else enjoy it doesn't sound like a bad thing. Here is a question do you feel connected to others when your not focusing on there interest. Do you feel like the people in your life have a real interest in you or they like that your interested in them or what there doing. I'm struggling with the last part that I asked you. Turns out I have cultivated a bunch of one way friendships in my life. If I don't put effort in nothing happens. It's been a tough pill to swallow I thought I had friends but it does t really feel like I do.
You might just have ADHD, which can have big emotions too. I wonder if someone with ADHD + Rejection sensitivity would look a lot like a person with BPD.
@Kat Kit yeah I actually thought I had BPD, went to a psychologist and therapist and found out I have ADHD and RSD so it does look similar to BPD 🫡
Same. I always actually like the things that other people like. The way that I have always been is that no matter how much interest I have in something or love for something, I get so much more out of the other person enjoying it. I have a hard time enjoying anything myself. I have always had such a severe dissociation and detachment from my feelings. I always feel like everything I experience is separate from me, like watching a movie and feeling emotions from it, but it’s someone else (the actors in the movie) are the ones actually going through it. Idk if that makes any sense. Despite having such intense emotions, for a long time I didn’t think that I could actually feel anything because I was always so dissociated. Kinda like in a permanent out of body experience.
@@pookamonsta That's what I was thinking too. I wonder what that is
The acknowledgement that people with BPD experience emotions so much harder than anyone else, and that "it hurts so fucking much" is incredibly accurate and validating. People often say, "why are you freaking out/having a panic attack over something so insignificant", or "why are you still depressed/miserable over that breakup and still thinking about her constantly, years later?" I have gone years without a romantic partner after a breakup from someone I fell in love with within 3 months. Its been 13 years since she broke up with me, and I still think about and dream about her frequently. I see pictures of her and her husband and it tears me apart. The same is also true for my first love. I was 15. That was 20 years ago... I still love her, would take her back in a second, and she has 3 kids and a husband of like 5 years. It may sound pathetic to some, but any time I'm in a relationship where I actually am attracted to them physically and mentally, I always feel like they are only with me until a better opportunity comes along, or that I have to "perform" to a certain level or they will leave. If I'm in a relationship and I just am not feeling the person, which has happened because I seek companionship and sometimes "settle" while thinking about the other girl I'd rather be with, and I end up wanting to end the relationship, I will hyperfixate on it for a LONG time out of fear of hurting that person, because that is the LAST thing I want to do. But I also dont want to lead them on or waste their time when I know I'm not invested for the long haul. IDK, I'm fucked up.
Oh my goodness, I relate to this so much.
I havn't been diagnosed with BPD but it seems certain I have it. The way I've described it is that when I walk out into the world I don't have my own thoughts, all my thoughts are parsing through the possible thoughts of others, so I know how to react (usually to minimize conflict to zero). Sometimes I think I'm not a real person, I feel like I'm just a reflection of other people. People have told me I'm one of the most fun people to be around but it's because every word and sentence and action is so carefully measured based on patterns I recognize in other people. Meanwhile on the inside it's a frenetic disaster.
I've been an addict now since... I don't know I think my entire life. When I was a kid I would read books 24/7, I loved it because the words replaced my own stream of consciousness and allowed me to escape the excruciating pain of being me. As I got older I turned to computers, then older again and I turned to drugs. Being high doesn't make me feel better, it hasn't for a long long time, but it pushes me outside myself. I'm 34 now and I don't know if I'll ever have a real job or a real relationship despite being incredibly smart (near perfect GPA in college) and an intense desire for a meaningful relationship.
7:50 "Nerves are on fire..." Yeah I've actually described this as "having my nerves on the outside of my body." It's not just for pain though. Sometimes I feel absolute ecstasy performing the most menial tasks and conversely I can plunge into suicidal existential doom over absolutely trivial things others would be unphased by.
15:10 I agree the root cause of BPD is a poorly formed sense of self. I had an extremely traumatic childhood and it seems like as a child, rather than forming a person, I was hyper-focused on my surroundings (abusive parents) to ensure my safety. There was no time to look inward, all my attention had to be pushed outward. That's how I feel as an adult, as if I'm stuck in this hypervigilant state. A mere 10 minute walk to the grocery store and back can be mentally exhausting.
16:45 Chameleon-ness. I dated a guy for 5 years in my early 20's and he described me as a chameleon. I would talk about how certain I was that none of my friends actually liked me and how socially awkward I was. Meanwhile from his perspective he said I had the capacity to get along with literally everyone I meet. I think that's one of the most challenging things about having BPD is what is displayed outwardly and what is felt inwardly is very often completely polarizing.
21:30 OH MAN this video... Yeah sometimes I feel like a human thermometer. I can tell what everyone around me is feeling basically 100% of the time. It's cripplingly exhausting being around people, between the hypervigilance and the emotional reactivity... Yeah, I spend 99% of my time alone.
This comment is way too long for UA-cam but one random aside... my best friend and my one sustained relationship over the last decade is with a buddy who is ADHD/Autistic (high-functioning). Because he's Autistic, he tends to express his emotions in muted ways and that softening of emotion makes being around him so much easier.
Thank you for putting eloquent words to my experience.
That does sound exhausting and it probably gets very old and tiring to have to be that vigilant all the time. I can really relate to the hypervigilants I generally know how everyone is feeling on body language alone and it's always odd when they say there fine and I can tell there not. I also use drugs or alcohol just to quiet my mind it feels like I get to step out of the constant analysis stream and just think like what I would think a normal person does. It's very enjoyable not having every angle of perception of a giving situation being hurled at me 24/7. I hope life gets better for you.
Have you looked into autism? Sounds a lot more like that to me. You can learn a lot if you search for people's autism diagnosis story on youtube. A lot of people get misdiagnosed for other things because autism used to only be looked for in kids. Autistic basically means your nervous system develops differently and has trouble processing things the same way as normal people and so struggle with reading social cues and are hyper sensitive to sounds and smells, and in general have a "different" way of expressing themselves and understanding the world. You can be born with a high IQ and still be autistic and maybe struggle with being awkward and understanding social things but at the same time being very interested and specialized in certain things and having difficulty with sensory issues. Often an autistic person is more reserved but gets excitable at things they love and open up a lot .ore when they're in an environment that feels comfortable. Because of the different way we can appear to others, many get isolated from a young age and bullied or just have few friends. Or make friends but have no idea what you're really supposed to do in relationships even though you want to be close. And so over time the people who are autistic learn to mask theur different behaviors and ways of thinking to fit in and be normal but it is incredibly exhausting and leads to all kinds of other issues about having to hide who you really are and many talk about having to unmask and discover who they really are when they stop trying to act like everyone else to survive. Many autistic people never got much of a. Hence to be themselves without getting in trouble and learn to suppress. Unless you are like constantly betraying people and backstabbing them and trying to hurt someone cus you're mad, its probably not borderline. Probably just the symptoms of struggling with something like adhd or autism that made it hard to socialize abd find your place. You sound smart and nice so I really wanted to take the time to reach out. Wishing you all the best. Ps. I'm a genius who can't tye his own shoes sometimes, or get through the check out haha but it her thank being more sensitive than others and needing more rest, I can otherwise live a normal life and it got a lot better once I discovered autism and learned that it wasn't all in my head, something was hard but there was nothing broken or wrong about me abd fuck anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. Much happier now but still struggling to get a diagnosis and have certain protections for time off at work. Afraid I could lose my job if it doesn't work out so I decided it's important to finally look into one.
Omg literally me
get a diagnosis at a gp not the youtube comment section
My heart is racing and I'm feeling an excitement I havent felt in a long time. I was diagnosed with bpd in my late 20's. (Eatly 2000/2001) Couldn't find any thing on internet about it. I have gone 20 years not understanding my diagnosis. For the first time, I now get it. You are completely describing me. I want to cry in relief. I have lost so much because of this illness. Friends, family, jobs, my confidence. My children were taken from me. Basically my life was ruined. I'm now 48 years old and taking it one day at a time. I feel like a wound that has festered for so long it is so painful you cant fo near it. It feels like physical pain at times.
Thank you for doing this video
Take care, I hope things get better 🙏🏻 ❤
Take care you are valuable
I lost my kids to I had a bad father im a incest survivor and got borderline personality disorder I do pick toxic men relationship, im 58 my kids are gone as well I lost them but I pick dysfunctional men alcoholic men ,now that I'm alone and trying to love me it's very hard im with a guy in prison now new him since 1994 he will never change, my dad might of been a narcissist person as well as he was having sex with me but I did leave home live in group home foster care as well till I was 18
@@kathysanders5652 consider going to therapy, it might help with working things out and living happier life 😊
@@kathysanders5652 Hi. I just read your message. I am so sorry for everything you went through. You are a very strong woman. Please take time for yourself. That's what I am finally learning. We need to give ourselves time and space to heal in our own way. We need to support each other. I am here
My girlfriend who has BPD described the worst moments of it as the combination of the feeling you have right before a panic attack and extreme anger/emotion. It sounds extremely hard to deal with and I feel for anyone who has BPD.
She's right. I wish the best for y'all, and that she can find peace with you
I almost cried after seeing so many people write similar comments here..
Wow, spot on. For me, it's an inhumane level of panic (fight or flight to the max - like what you'd expect if you were being eaten alive by a bear). Because it's so overwhelming you grab onto anything that can help - sometimes narcissistic or even psychopathic behavior, which leaves the love of your life (and unsuspecting victim) traumatized. It's like watching a baby chic turn into a werewolf before your eyes...and your partner is like..."But I want...where'd the baby chic go? What circle of hell spit out this beast?" The borderline feels just as traumatized by their reflection in that moment too. It's pain all around. I have BPD. I"m in remission. But I had to heal myself. I had to be alone. I had to reject anyone who wanted to coddle me or who would put up with my abuse. I had to learn self-love. It's been the most excruciating f**king journey. So much love to you all. You're not alone (even when you're alone). xx
@@jessica0321Hey congratulations for healing. How long did it take for you to heal and how bad was your BPD because I'm going for the same thing, I'll stay single and alone and I'm also in therapy.
@@stormtrooper_ Thank you, my dear. "Bad" is subjective, right? So, lets take that out of the equation. It's not necessary to judge or compare your symptoms with someone else. Your healing is going to take as long as it takes and it's not linear. For me, it fell away without me noticing. I realized my behaviors and reactions had completely changed in relationships and triggers were no longer triggers. The only thing you have to do is make yourself a priority - your healing and the self-love. You do the healing because you are worthy of happiness and love, not because you desperately want what you might deem a shameful/wrong/bad diagnosis to fall away. Does that make sense? Make your healing about moving towards love, not running from fear and judgement. Try not to judge yourself or your progress. The rest will fall into place. Much love. Hang in there! It's not easy but it's worth it. Self-love, baby. xx
27:20 is probably the best thing ive heard in a long time. My girlfriend has been seriously struggling with BPD yet I am watching this video literally trying to make sure I understand her all that I can. I knew when she split that she still loved me, i knew she was in there somewhere. I understand now. I will never leave her, and I’ve learnt so much about her actions and their meanings through this channel. I completely misunderstood her, and now that I get this perspective, I understand so much about her that I’m more in love with her than I’ve ever been. I know why she’s doing the things that she does now. My biggest fear was that she didn’t love me. I see now that she feels the same. I’m planning on going into therapy or seeing a psychiatrist regularly so I can learn what to do to deal with her problems the best that I can in my own anxious overthinking mind. I’m also considering practicing acting, ironically. My family has always said that I should try acting and now I might because of the detection of facial expressions. For her sake I’ll learn to keep a positive face more often so she doesn’t have a nuclear option for when I’m not 100% happy. I just want to do everything I can to see her in remission. I prayed that God gave me someone to love, and I also prayed to be an instrument for good. I prayed to save people and be there for them. The next day, I met her. I see why he’s brought me here. He’s brought me here to be the stable relationship. He’s brought me here to save her. God is good, he answered my prayers. All of them, in one beautiful woman. I love you Anna.
If she left you. That's it. You're no longer in a committed relationship anymore. Do YOU have BPD? Is this meant in jest?
This is the best BPD explanation i've ever seen. It's simple and easy to understand for other people who doesn't have it. Hopefully this can help some people who has never understand well this disorder. As someone that has BPD and is having a very hard time the past few years, it really feels like no one ever tries to unserstand... but i hope more people do with time. Thank you, doctor
Honestly, I have BPD and several things rubbed me the wrong way.
The intense fear of abandonment and unstable relationships are common, but not always there. I've been in a 4 year relationship with the love of my life and we have never had any serious relationship issues.
I still cut intermittently and, feel excruciating emotional pain, emptiness, extreme mood swings, smothering anger and unbearable anguish every single day, despite being in a loving relationship, heavily medicated and in therapy for over a decade.
who don't* have it. sorry not sorry 😔
Maybe people try to understand it but if you always feel like you have to pretend and don‘t express who you really are it‘s hard for people to do so
Yep, an excellent overview of a complex issue! Though dunno how 'common' it is, but the toughest part of my own marriage to a BPD, was their ability to 'compartmentalize' things (aka, "I love you/I hate you")... where the emotional life can spontaneously go from affection one day, to full-out rage the next, and back to 'normal' again.... and still act like nothing ever happened!
"These kind of realtionships tend to be really unstable" is a pretty interesting choice of words because in Finnish, BPD is called "Unstable Personality Disorder", which in my opinion sounds a lot more accurate than "borderline", which sounds like someone is borderline insane and thus adds to the stigma.
idk, i feel like calling someone unstable also has some pretty negative connotations. when i think of somebody calling someone unstable, i assume they mean it in a dangerous way half the time (although i'm not really good with social interactions lol)
@@Anthony-un8sn I dated someone with BPD. While I don't have it. I do see what you mean by the stigma of it if we were to call it unstable personality disorder. But unstable fits so much better than borderline. I won't go into the abuse I dealt with. But it was a lot, simply because of the instability of her mental state. No matter what I, or anyone did.
In the UK we call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder which tbf hits the nail on the head
I can understand that BPD is known in the Finnish language as Unstable Personality Disorder. I haven’t ever understood Borderline in Boarderline Personally Disorder but know people who have it.
@@noburt9 u should shut up ur rude
"its almost like there nerves are on fire when it comes to emotional pain" so well said
literally
I was just officially diagnosed with BPD and it’s overwhelming. I’ve always not been able to understand why things hurt more for me. People always being confused with my level of pain…now I’m hyper focused on learning all of my diagnoses and it’s so much. So overwhelming. Thank you for making me feel validated…finally.
My father had BPD, was an alcoholic, had an eating disorder and he killed himself in 2016. Thank you so much for this video as it helped me understand what his world may have been like.
I'm glad he got the correct diagnosis so at least had a chance to get a little better while he was alive. Men often get misdiagnosed with NPD or ASPD when they actually have BPD and it's crippling the chance of healing...
Well damn...my dad had BPD as well, had an eating disorder when he was younger, and was also an alcoholic (but was also addicted to prescription opiates, which he used to kill himself in 2018). He also faked illnesses for attention, and pretended he was terminally ill for years. I had (and still have) so much anger toward my dad but losing him was still the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I hope you're doing okay and I'm wishing you the best.
@@Incompetences Thank you. Mental illness and addiction is definitely no joke and the complicated feelings of family members who loose loved ones to it is so hard. I wish you healing and I’m very sorry for your loss. ❤️
❤
I’m so sorry ❤
My wife has been recently diagnosed with BPD, and your videos are a big help for me to understand her. Thank you for what you do, and your compassion for these subjects.
Im not going anywhere, and the reason is that she's fighting so fucking hard for herself and us. Endless doctor calls, new meds, more therapy. She's showing me with words and actions that she wants to be better, and it means a lot
Knowing that things can get better is honestly such a good thing to know, and feels like it makes kt all worth it
This is WILD, my wife was recently diagnosed with BPD (they’ve been treating her for bipolar in error), and this really helps me to put things in perspective. I’m still scarred by all her BS but it helps to understand her motivations. Also the realization that it’s treatable and there may be a light at the end is honestly a game changer. I’ve been watching videos and doing a lot of reading since the diagnosis, and a lot of it is like “run fast as you can from these people” but your compassionate approach and thorough explanation has provided me with much needed understanding and shifted my perspective. Trying not to play myself but you’ve sparked a glimmer of hope. Thank you 🙏🏽
I don't think there's any right answers in terms of leaving vs staying, ultimately you can't control what others do and you have to look after yourself. I hope she's getting help and gets better.
I was diagnosed with bpd after years of treatments for depression and anxiety. Is been two years since I finished my treatment for bpd and I can tell you it gets better! At least for me. I do have some “bad days” but I feel like everyone have bad days. The difference is now I have the ability to know what to do when they come. So basically I have to work with my self. Now I can see patterns and things clearly so I can snap out of it. Life is so more happy and my desire to live is so much more now. I met my now husband just starting my treatment and It was extremely sweet and helpful having someone with me during the process.
Bless you, dude. I'm currently in the process of divorcing someone I believe has bpd and it's a complete nightmare. Not judging her and I have compassion for what she's going through, but I just can't do it anymore. Here's hoping for a better outcome for you. 🙏
Honestly you doing your own research is amazing I wish the people around me did that 😢. Your à amazing husband you should be proud of yourself
I have heard that said too. It's disheartening because not everyone with BPD has bad intentions nor are they trying to manipulate. It's as with anything else, you can't say ALL, ALWAYS or NEVER.
I speak from the heart of someone diagnosed with bpd😢
I’ve been diagnosed with BPD but no one has ever talked to me and explained some of the things you have talked about im just medicated and told to go away! This made me cry but has helped me realise what BPD is and the explanation about the pain and emptiness is spot on - thank you
This was a great video. The only thing that I will add, having BPD.... we don't always consciously decide to "copy" the interests of other people. A lot of the time, it just happens. Just like having a favorite person, we don't choose it. The part about self harm was really good and it made a lot of sense. The facial thing is so true, it feels like everyone is mad at or hates me.
Another important thing to remember is that there is a massive overlap with depression and BPD in terms of behaviors and symptoms. Like the emptiness, self harm and such.
Another thing is that people with BPD need for admiration and self image is alot like what teenagers are where self worth become much more dependent on other people.
agree - it was more of a survival tactic for me personally
Exactly. I didn’t even know I was “copying people” until I read a description of this phenomenon after my diagnosis.
@@kiahlane That's how I found out about it too.
I've found that it doesn't necessarily mean copying their interests either. Sometimes I just act different or find myself taking on complimentary interests and/or personality traits. Sometimes it's not necessarily copying them but rather playing a role that seems like they will like to be around more.
Never delete this please
Thank you. I'm a clinician and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with BPD prior to meeting with me really struggle with the idea that it is "a life sentence". That never sat right with me. Thank you for challenging that belief.
I think it is important to consider the overlapping similarities between BPD symptomology and ADHD symptomology (excitability, moving from hobby to hobby, strong emotional responses, etc)
‘ the goals that you set are just to get rid of the pain. It’s not necessarily moving towards to something, it’s moving away from something ‘ 8:59 That’s what I’ve been experiencing my whole life. This video explains really well what having bpd feels like. Thank you for this 🙏 You’re helping a lot of people.
I am 28 and I can finally see it all so clearly. BPD has costed me much and made the people who loved me suffer. But my suffering is constant. I feel so powerless right now. Everything hurts. Everything I try to do with best intentions backfires and I am left behind alone and misunderstood. :(
Please get help. As someone who is suffering along with my family member with BPD, I can tell you that your family still loves you and wants to see you well. You don't deserve this pain; I hope for the best for you and your recovery.
please start with 15 minutes guided vipaasana meditations and yoga with Adrianne for beginners both available on You tube..Do it every day consistently for 21 days. It will become a daily habit. Then seek dialectic behaviour therapy if you want to help yourself. All the best
@@snazzybean how do you get help for BPD? You pretty much just live with it basically
@@whatamievendoing I understand there's no cure. I hope there's methods that can help with coping with it. I don't pretend to be an expert on anything and I don't mean to make light of anyone's suffering.
Much love to everyone commenting here. If you have BPD (I do as well), it does get easier to manage and while it might not go away, it does get easier. Please please please if you are diagnosed and have not done so please talk with a professional about DBT treatment - it makes all the difference and will be so very impactful. You may also undergo CBT.
You're spot on about self harm. To others it seems deranged, but to us it's calming. I still carry a lot of embarrassing scars, unfortunately.
It’s not embarrassing ❤
Tw: talk of self harm, nothing detailed ofc
I don't have a bpd diagnosis but I do have an autism diagnosis and I think our experience with sh can be similar in some cases. I 100% relate to how he describes it in this video and I have a really low pain tolerance so my sh is "mild" and like he said; superficial, it mostly includes skin picking. It's all like stimming to me only more intense because pain takes priority over other sensations.
It is like an IV administration of a painkiller, of course it is done when the amount of pain gets unbearable and of course it will be very hard to stop just like detoxing from an addictive substance.
Please try to see them as your battle scars and nothing to be ashamed of, I mean you ARE still standing❣️💪
oh man i have so many lies about my scars cause there's no polite way of explaining why i dont use hacksaws anymore
@@halolime117 yes it is
Spot on with describing the reasons and the feelings from cutting .. I've been clean from cutting for almost 1 years. Your description has me bawling like a baby .. finally someone who gets it .
Got diagnosed with BPD today after 33 years on this planet. This video helped me so much. I don't think anyone has understood what I go through everyday better than you. Thanks!!
I finally feel heard listening to this. Always asking myself what’s wrong with me, trauma, intense emotions, chaotic environment. I relate to a lot of what is said about BPD and I’m so glad I found this video. People don’t understand how hard it is having extreme internal conflict going on at most times, sweating mind racing, people pleasing bc fear of abandonment or never being loved or understand. It’s like a silent spiritual wound and that just won’t heal and war that won’t end. and on you can see and feel it. If you are going thru it rn I’m sending you some love and please remember to give yourself grace and that you are worthy of love just because you exist there nothing you need to do, say or be. ❤
My mom has BPD with high degrees of narcissism and historic traits, and never did get the right treatment. She now has dementia and I'm her caregiver. I have CPTSD, largely as a result of her abuse. One thing I've learned is that outcomes are better if people understand the disorder and can account/adjust for it in their responses. She recovers from splitting episodes much more quickly when I am not triggered by them (hard when her episodes literally are a trigger, lol, but therapy has helped tremendously). I've found that when I remain calm and just let her tantrum, eventually she'll calm down and within an hour or two it's like nothing happened. When I fight back she escalates to the point of weaponizing the authorities, trying to get me removed from the lease, calling family members, threatening suicide, etc. If I remain calm she just assassinates my character until it's out of her system and then I'm "the good one" again. I think a lot of folks don't get this (I certainly didn't, wish I had managed to learn before it resulted in disability, but I digress) and the instinct to protect the self results in gross escalations that could be avoided. On the receiving end it can feel terribly unfair to have to be stable and controlled while someone is railing at you, but understanding that this is essentially a meltdown can really help with duration and frequency.
@DrackoveliaDev not sure where I mentioned laying on hands at all. When I was a teen she did lay on hands and I did fight back. It's probably why the abuse is all verbal/emotional now, because she knows I hit back when physically assaulted. But no, nobody is laying on hands here.
My mother is the same but I am not her caregiver. She has my father and the money for outside care. I could not mentally survive caring for her. I wish I could but she didn't get help when she could to care for me decently so now this is the result. I will always make sure her care isn't abusive but I can't provide her with direct care.
Please take care of yourself. You deserve to not be constantly triggered and to be in a safe place.
@@amberinthemist7912 Thank you for that. I am so sorry you know this suffering, too, and am glad you are able to live separate from her on your own terms. It's a struggle for me but I fight hard to exist in a meaningful way, differentiated an an individual, separate from her. Therapy helps a lot.
Sorry you're going through this. My mother was diagnosed with bpd, but in recent years I've become convinced she also had narcissism, probably npd. As a child I was her caretaker, but as I grew up and realized she didn't want to change, I started to pull away. I moved out when I was 18. I should have cut her off completely, but she continued to torture me from a distance for years. She never forgave me for moving out, but she also constantly begged me to move back in. I know I wouldn't have been able to function at all if I'd stayed around her. My anxiety, depression, and shame almost overwhelmed me completely as a teenager.
My mother died about 20 years ago, which was good for my sanity, but I still feel the effects of what she did to me.
I don't know how you can tolerate this treatment, but I do feel for you. I hope things can get better for you eventually.
You're so intelligent and a sweetheart and deserve the best in life and relationships. I wish you love healing and more power
This was probably the best video I ever could’ve watched at this point in my life. My entire life negative emotions genuinely hurt my heart and I would carry that with me for a while. I could always tell when someone was just a little unhappy. I would often blow up very quickly and cool down just as fast but I would carry the anger with me everywhere, and I would always develop the interests of my friends and family. That’s not to say I didn’t have a sense of self but it was very fragile and well guarded at all times. I figured I had a touch of bpd because of living in a household with a mom and grandmother who both have bpd and hate each other, but this video opened my eyes and is genuinely making me go and seek treatment for (what I now realize is but don’t want to self diagnose myself as) severe bipolar disorder. I’ve been fortunate enough to recognize the symptoms (as separate illnesses, but again I’ve never been diagnosed I just figured I was better off doing it myself) and manage them well but I could never fix the symptoms, just deal with them.
Thank you for starting out with empathy. I’m a clinician and have people with BPD in my life. It helped me to remember to empathize despite behaviors that can be frustrating or intimidating or scary. I will always keep that in mind from now on- that they are in so, so much pain, and they need love and kindness.
Your explanation of the self harm aspect of BPD was extremely validating. I'm in remission and I’ve been clean from self harm for years, but never really emotionally recovered from it, and what you just said helped validate my feelings towards my past self. Thank you.
I’ve never self harm like cutting ever I’ve always been the BPD person that would use street drugs and get into sexual relationships with narcissistic traits and verbal and emotional abuse and physical abuse sometimes and I avenged the toxic relationship behavior being toxic abuse also 😂
My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed recently, and I've tried really hard to absorb as much information as I can in order to try and understand what she goes through. Thank you so much for this video.
I REALLY appreciate it when ppl see my "fantasy reality" as actual reality. Its like a coolest breath of fresh air when a person simply accepts bpd reality is different than world reality but both are real.
Hope this makes sense
When ppl nod their head in understanding and ask to elaborate on the topic at hand rather than the oh too common "are you ok" concerned face ...
main causes are trauma /abuse or inheriting it might pay to check yourself out aswell
@@katrinaproctor4186 not always the case, I had a wonderful childhood with phenomenal parents and was still diagnosed
I cry tears of joy for your daughter because I wish I had parents who showed an ounce of empathy towards my condition rather than completely discarding things by just saying "I haven't yet grown up/ everybody has struggles". Thankyou for being there for your daughter and trying to understand her condition.
I have BPD and so does my brother. Our mom obviously has it too but she's in complete denial. Everyone around her--her children, her husband--have been in inpatient and she refuses to see her role. So my advice is for YOU to go get therapy to uncover if you also have BPD or some other PD and also go into therapy as a family to learn and practice healthy interpersonal interactions.
I hav been diagnosed with BPD and this gentleman is literally spot on. This was highly enlightening.
This made me cry. I was diagnosed with BPD and no one ever talks about it or tries to understand it with compassion. I have worked really intently to be self aware and to work with myself to do better. I have a DBT workbook that has helped. Normally I'm fine but then there are occasions in life that kick up the dirt and I'm a wreck. I really appreciate hearing you talk about how it feels to live inside of BPD with so much thoughtfulness. Thank you so much.
Kudos for making those effort. I know someone who is also emotionally very volatile, probably on the BPD side of things, but she failed to be aware of her own circumstances and refuses to own up to her actions, which makes it hard for me to even speak to her. Luckily we are just acquaintances.
Having clinical anxiety and depression for years now taught me that emotions can be maddeningly powerful, and sometimes things just don't work out. Problem is it is hard to sympathise with those who not only refuse to recognise their problems but taking it out on others.
Here is where I find your effort to develop self awareness very admirable. It isn't easy. I had to walk down a similar path myself and it has been incredibly painful, having to open up old wounds and re-examine them. With this newfound awareness I hope better things will come to you too, just like how things slowly working out for me now.
If you read this far, thank you. Sharing my experience to the BPD crowd on Reddit hasn't been a good experience.
And I am glad that this video is ends with a hopeful note. Hope things go better for everyone.
Gee, I wonder why no one (besides every fucking UA-cam psychologist and Tumblr narcissist) tries to understand the violent psychotics incapable of managing their emotions. Won't someone think about the violent psychotics incapable of managing their emotions? Oh won't SOMEBODY, think of the poor, innocent, psychotically raging, violent, manipulative, lying narcissists and how hard their lives are destroying everyone's elses?
As a BPD patient, let me try to explain why a simple reason like missing a birthday, for example, would trigger me. Because I feel so empty most of the time I would constantly look for proofs to prove that the person I'm in a relationship with truly cares for me, at the intensity that I care for the person. Therefore when the person does something to me that I would not have done to the person, things gets complicated, even for myself. Amidst the chaos in my mind, the only reasonable action would be to shut off all communication, and tend to my feelings alone (for people like me who realizes they have BPD and try not to be a burden for their loved ones). Communication sometimes does not work too, because BPD people have unreasonable expectations that they cannot let go off, usually thought to be reasonable to themselves due to the amount or the intensity of the care and love they have contributed. It's tiring having BPD, if only feelings were less intense to the extent that I can ignore them, then I could've moved on through souring relationships faster, and not be the one whose hurted feelings intensifies the longer the relationship has ended. Feels like I'm always the one left out in sadness amongst the 2 person in the relationship.
It's worth to mention that BPD has better prognoses compared to other personality disorders in part because people with BPD usually are willing to seek treatment, while people with, for example, paranoid, narcissistic or especially antisocial personality disorder very rarely seek therapy and stay in it.
Interestingly, this is probably caused by the nature of BPD. Once they become aware that their condition causes discomfort for others, their concern with being validated and appreciated kicks in to assist them with overcoming the BPD as a means to satisfy it.
There is a lot and a lot who say not. That anti social and narcissistic disorder can never be cured. It’s too engrained into them and the ego will not allow them to ever be “wrong”
I think the defense and coping mechanism is so high in them they basically live in La La land unable to see life as it ever is.
As you said. They will usually never seek treatment or stay because they’re never wrong. It’s always someone else who is the bad guy..
My experience anyways
@your guinea pig With NPD seeking treatment isn't uncommon but it's hard for them to stay in it. If someone has intense narcissistic symptoms therapy will at some point make him feel inferior to the therapist and that usually leads to either trying to fight them - which impedes progress - or leave it to protect their grandiose self. I haven't worked with any narcissistic patients yet but from what I've been taught it requires a lot of care, empathy and thought to make such a patient stay in therapy.
Thank you thank you thank you for talking about BPD. I recently got diagnosed (3 months ago) and hearing a professional perfectly explain how I’m feeling is so freaking validating. I kept tearing up the entire video bc I finally feel seen and understand
The timing of this is unreal. My girlfriend for 7 years found out she had BPD before covid and she just hit the self destruct phase but we are going to get her back on track with self help. This provides a lot of insight for me on a dialectical basis. Thanks always Dr. K.
Thanks Dr. K!
Ur so kind for sticking by her !
I’m sure your support means the world to her!!
Bro she will destroy you if you don’t leave NOW
I'd just cut my losses and bail for your own health. Chances are u have put up with a lifetime of abuse already. Now she's got an extra crutch to blame all of her bad behavior on. If she wavers on getting any help at all ever....leave her to her own misery. Most people with BPD deserve loneliness and heartache forever. It's what they deserve from how they have treated those who loved the. The most
Just retired after 30 years of primary care and this the best explanation of BPD I've heard.
My wife has BPD and it is difficult at times, it's hard to remember just how hurtful even the slightest mistakes can be for her. Me being autistic with CPTSD doesn't help either as my social skills aren't the best. However, I'm fully confident she can overcome her struggles. She's still only 23 and has a lot of time to grow and discover who she is, which I'm sure will help lessen her symptoms.
Thanks Dr. K for this video, it gave me a lot to think about how I can help my wife who I love very much
I think I have BPD and my boyfriend was autistic too. We broke out but it was one of the healthiest relationship I’ve had.
@@anmnpl My BPD is undiagnosed, but I am diagnosed with Asperger's, OCD, and all the anxiety and depression that comes with it. We are nearly 100 percent sure I have BPD (My psychiatrist and I). Imagine being the same person and having autism and BPD, with OCD ON TOP of that. It's a wonderful experience. I have yet to have any good relationships, and its nice to hear you had one.
To the OP, you and I are two peas in a pod. My wife is BPD and I'm on the spectrum. We've been together for 15 years. Hasn't been easy but I think our stoic autistic traits keep our BPD partners from becoming more explosive. I jokingly say that her and I are nearly 100% yin and yang in nearly every way. Both of you keep going to therapy, it really helps!
@@AltruisticWarrior Your wife is more than likely autistic as well. Many women are misdiagnosed with BPD first
Just curious, how old are you?
Thank you for this video. I see in the comments the huge amount of people like me who feel validated by you. The hope you inspire, that maybe one day wont be a fight, is incredible. Having someone talk about the emotional intensities, without belittling, and explaining the scientific theorys behind it is so extremely validating. I have also never seen anyone go into depth about self harm like this either. Those who are supposed to help are more concerned with stressing that it is not encouraged, rather than addressing why self harm works. Simply recognizing why people with intense emotions rely on self harm to calm themselves then allows us to look for other, safer options to snap out of emotional breakdowns. I have never felt so seen and validated without judgment. Thank you for this.
I was in a really destructive relationship with someone who I suspect had BPD. A different dysregulation disorder was diagnosed but their mother has BPD and the behaviors were so similar. The whole thing was tragic because I really loved them but it was like they just couldn’t see the same person I loved. Preoccupied with abandonment, constitutionally incapable of trusting love at all. Ultimately it was like the only thing they trusted in the relationship was power and it got progressively more violent to wear down my boundaries. The gaslighting got so bad it was like we had no shared history anymore. Reality kept changing. Our past was nothing more than a narrative they could continually change to justify their current behavior. I’m not writing this to judge anybody, I’m writing this because it is possible to have a disorder like this and someone still love you for who you are. Even if you can’t see what they love in you. I suspect my ex was terrified of this diagnosis because of their mom and would never accept it. But honest help would’ve likely saved the relationship. Despite the abuse I endured, I hope they eventually find the help they need and have stable relationships in their life.
Your experience is valid. A lot of people with BPD control the narrative on social media and try to eliminate the voices that reflect the truth about the consequences of their disordered behavior... Such as abusing others and traumatizing them for life. They can heal if they take accountability and do the work. And learn how to treat others well. But they sure do spend a whole lotta time avoiding it and silencing survivors.
@@royalkatherine Like you are controlling the narrative right how? lol
@@colbysl1 Am I? Wow, I'm so powerful! Quite the accomplishment for one individual against the BPD hoarde.
@maikid7840 You did so well at defending BPD abuse, attacking someone speaking out against the abuse, and reversing victim and offender as though the one who speaks up is somehow harming abusers! You get the DARVO badge! What a typical response.
Hey@maikid7840 , everything you say is true and I appreciate the push back.
What I find interesting is what you say about trauma. I feel like people with BPD are just traumatized to no end.
They often just had a childhood (and a society) that treated them wrong, disqualified their perspective etc.
If they are abusive, there's no room to love them equally (right now) which is also true.
But the way they search for love and try to hold onto it, really shines a light about how a traumatized mind and a traumatized body keep score.
Every manipulation they use has been used on them first.
They don't know how to be "eye to eye" with people, because nobody really took them seriously as the sensitiv beings they are.
Often years of "not being seen" not being loved, not being respected as something with boundraries
But once they understand that they need to heal from "people" that traumatised them
and find people they can trust
that deep down they are interested in companionship and compassion.
Stay strong. Never lose faith or hope in finding love and trust. You don't need to blame yourself for the things other people with your "disorder" do. Don't sell yourself short.
You are your own! But you're never on your own.
I wish you the best :)
thank you for the respectful comments and fellow bpd havers finding solace in each other. :) hope you all have a good weekend/week :)
I was married to a woman with undiagnosed BPD for 7 years. She made the realization she may have BPD 5 days before she ended her life. My therapist and I had the paperwork to involuntarily commit her ready, just didn't do it in time. I experienced 7 years of an incredibly difficult relationship with her for her to then leave in a horrible way, right as I thought there was hope on the horizon for us. It was like walking through a minefield every single day. If I let out a bit of breath in a funny way, she would take that as an attack and immediately go on the defensive. EXPLOSIVE reactions all the time. So many times throughout our marriage I'd being standing there like "how did this happen?" after a blowup. It was genuinely shocking most of the time when she reacted to things, because the reactions seemed so disproportionate to what led them to be.
She believed she was an empath and an HSP. I believe her hyper awareness of others' feelings was brought on from a traumatic childhood full of neglect and perfectionism. She slowly became the victim of all circumstance in her own mind, leaving no room for "hey that's life" type of stuff.
It felt like I was being tortured most days. Like some sort of trick was being played on me for ultimate misery. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her to experience these things how she did. I remember watching this video at the beginning of the year and thinking "that sounds familiar" but just moving on from there. I wish I had done more to find help for my wife. I wish I had not put extra stress on her with my own problems. I wish I could go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now. Life's a treat.
I’m very sorry. Blessings to you.
I've been with my partner for 9 years, and never really knew what BPD is. About 6 months ago I "met" (online) someone with BPD and it all started to make sense. I've started researching and determined my partner most likely has it. I've been trying to figure out a way to lead him to help without an explosive fight, especially because he's been threatening suicide a lot lately.... 😧
This hit me hard.
Prayers to you brother. My mother with BPD ended her life recently after failing a rehab program. So tough as we all did everything we could for decades and she was always in so much pain. I know my dad and step dad have stories similar to yours. Doesn’t make it any easier.
Honestly I think my mother has bpd, she fucked us up real bad and she sounfs exactly like this, could blow up very easily
This is a great video, thank you for making it! There's one thing I would look at differently - the core feature of BPD, not having a sense of self - I would argue that although that's definitely true, the core of it is actually one step deeper, believing you're a genuinely bad person. I did a lot of DBT therapy, I still do regular therapy to this day, and it maybe doesn't apply to others but for me personally, the core of it all was learning to love myself, and teaching my whole being that we're no longer perceiving ourselves as bad. As monsters, I dare say. I learned how to separate myself from my actions and words and thoughts, so that ultimately I could look at them objectively and not let them define me ("I said something bad" instead of "I'm bad because I said this"). I learned how to not let my own assumptions dictate my reality (eg. "I assume they might be cheating because they doesn't love me BUT they could have also simply fallen asleep - both could very well be true. I guess I need to wait to talk to them tomorrow to find out." instead of throwing their clothes out the door straight away). But all of these have the same base, learning to learn that I am not actually a bad person, but someone who deserves loves too, instead. Believe it or not, the identity part wasn't even explored much, because when I started to see myself in a kind, loving, differentiated way, I started to have that identify sense. Because I was finally confident (and kind to myself) enough as to start noticing what it is that I like or dislike, how I feel about certain topics and what my opinion is, etc., Self love was the core, for me.
This is similar to my experience.
My earliest meomories revolve around feeling like people hated me, were disgusted by me and feared me.
My childhood was steeped in the fear that my family or the townspeople would throw me into the lake in chains, lock me up in a padded cell for the rest of my life, or stone me to death.
At every moment there is this deep conviction that I am absulute pure evil.. even though I would not even really be able to tell you what I did wrong.
I also remember when I was five and read Lord of the Rings for the first time, I strangely envied the Nazghul because I thought "Well I am already as evil as them, but least they are not powerless. They can protect themselves."
All of that while I am constantly trying my hardest to not hurt anybodies feelings, navigating people, and trying to take up as little space and ressources as possible because I feel I do not deserve to be accomodated.
When it comes to self harm, one half of it is exactly as the Dr. descibes it; meditative. A way to focus when the emotional turmoil is so bad I can not even think anymore.
THe other half though is about destroying the things that make me genuinly happy because I feel that since I am an evil person, I should not be allowed to enjoy life.
So when I realize I like somethign or someone, when something gives me joy or matters to me, it has to go because I dont deserve it.
@@RexxyRobin I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I'm familiar with this pain and can only hope you'll keep pushing through it. It sounds to me that you're aware of it all, you're self aware, which is very hard to do. What I would do next is try my very best to tell myself otherwise - tell yourself you're kind, and courageous to navigate this world as well as you do, while being in great pain. Praise yourself after doing good things, from small to big ones, and face your mistakes with kindness, and responsibility. Treat yourself like you treat your most loved ones, with patience, care, indulgence, and love. And in time, after doing this every day, I'm telling you, something will start changing from within, and the pain will slowly go away. It'll be replaced by a warm feeling, and you'll finally understand how other people are living their lives as peacefully as they do. And if you can please get a therapist, having someone specialized there to help you is truly great.
This is so true, but it's very hard. I had therapy for years since I was diagnosed at 18 (I'm nearing 30 now), I hated myself more than I feel I'm even capable of hating myself now, and I thought that I was a bad person. I still struggle with feeling like a bad person, but when I dont feel like this I feel my own person, who is on equal level to everyone else, with likes and dislikes and opinions. It's weird how not feeling evil can make you feel like a solid person.
I guess the things you like and dislike, opinions etc, are kind of suppressed because it feels like anything that is a part of you is bad because you are bad, so you never give yourself the chance to explore the things you like. I still find it so hard sharing even what music I listen to, because I think people are going to say it's bad or cringe. I even think that the music I like is trash. I don't even identify with it the way other people do and deny in myself how much I like and am influenced by what I listen to. It's only when someone forces out of me what music I listen to and then also like it do I feel like it's not terrible and cringe. Its like there's a wall between my experience and myself, I can't let myself fully experience my own opinions and positives incase they are wrong.
It's very unstable, but I'm trying now to change that, it just takes a long while and also just getting older. Sometimes in life things happen and you just go "Nope!", you can't really deny that you don't want that thing in your life. For me as someone with bpd it's usually something that's been repeating for years.
No
Yes. I told a friend two days ago, "we just need to love ourselves!". Easier said than done of course.
When i was still with my ex-wife, i was like 85% sure she had BPD. Now I'm like 98% sure she had BPD. But, I think the end of our marriage and her subsequent (and for better or worse, awful) relationship put her on the right path to get over it. I haven't talked to her in years, but last I heard she's actually doing really good, which is awesome =)
my mom was most definitely bpd, i heard one person describe it as being a cactus in need of a hug, and it found it extremely apt.
If there is one thing I know about us bpd people is that we LOVE good understanding people talking about BPD. Likely because we feel so misunderstood/dismissed most of the time. And we LOVE to help each other out in comments alot from what I have noticed for some time haha. We are extremely empathic, we have big hearts made for BIG feelings.
The part that hit me most was when you explained emotional pain felt like physical pain. It reminded me of my first long term relationship breakup like 15 years ago, I remember I just screamed my lungs out that it hurts so much. And every breakup since have been these messy things and just me feeling like a failure and lashing out.
Today I struggle way more with internal negative thoughts, I usually explain it to others like I have this feeling of wanting to protect others from my own behavior. like I Imagine it in my head like my worse 3rd just belittling my inner small child, crying in a corner. And me just looking from the outside feeling sorry for the kid. But I still feel sort of helpless. What am I supposed to do to help? I can't even take care of myself most of the time.
About the cutting, I absolutely feel it is so misunderstood by the majority of people. Its not a cry for attention, but also it kind of is? I know I used to do it just to like force myself out of a spiral of this loud critic in my head. I felt like this train is moving to fucking fast towards a mountain wall and I just wanted off, sort of feeling.
At some point I just lost interest in cutting. Maybe I made it harder to access the way I "preferred" to do it I don't know.
Its getting harder to allow emotions their chaotic freedom as I get older and need to "be an adult" and finding these ways to express to others how I feel without regressing into a child crying and breaking things, or splitting on everyone not understanding me, is so helpful to me at least.
So yeah, thank you, and I hope we see more talk about BPD and like help each other find some different tools to maybe help manage and navigate our chaotic inner lives.
- Also... if anyone is reading my line of text during a hard time in their life, I know this helped me to hear.
If you ever have felt "okay" or "good" once, It probably will again. The feelings of despair aren't permanent, and will pass.
If you can't make a thing happen right now its not going to happen right now and the goal right now would just be to live long enough for you to find yourself inside the eye of the storm. Even for just a moment of clarity to then be able to make A reasonable decision. So sleep on it, whatever it is you are worrying about, remember to be kind to yourself aswell :)
How you describe people not understanding you resonates with me so damn much. That feeling of never being understood or even listened to at times, at least for me, perpetuates a vicious cycle of feeling unloved and unlovable. So I reach out, get needy, especially with people in my life who have shown some amount of care for me on an emotional level. But of course, I feel they don't/can't understand me, and the cycle just goes on and on....
@@thomascarr6037 Maybe join some kind of bpd support group? Its not the same, yeah, but you know that the people there will at least understand you. UA-cam comments are too much of a wild west.
I really appreciate Dr K making this video. What I will add is the technical component of BPD, which is called "Splitting". BPD comes from experiencing trauma in your early years. The experience causes a SPLIT in your personality, one part gets overdeveloped, the other gets underdeveloped. When triggered, someone with BPD will experience a splitting incident. Your personality changes and you have no control over it - you will revert back to your underdeveloped self and act impulsively, becoming blind to the consequences . For me, it can happen up to 4 times a day. Dealing with variability in personality is exhausting and impossible to explain. That is the challenge with suffering with BPD, it is so complex, no one will understand. The good news is that it can be managed; I am a high functioning working professional with a family. There is no cure - it will not go away. It requires life long maintenance and vigilance. Diagnosis is more important than the cure; learning to live with BPD and sustain a high functioning life is possible.
I just wanted to be loved, just be at a point where I’m not scared of them leaving me.
A friend of mine who was diagnosed with BPD would often ask me if I'm angry while we're gaming side by side, while most of the time I frown because I am very focused. The section about having a bias towards negative emotions stood out to me because there have been other notable instances in which I reassured my friend that I am feeling alright.
I'm that friend. Not literally your friend who you game with, but I do the same thing. Things are too quiet and I fear they're upset, it impacts my ability to game so bad lol. Ty for reassuring your friend I bet he/she appreciates it
@@yuhhbaby3179looking back on past relationships where I stressed about that a ton, it was definitely insecurity making me assume I'd gotten the other person mad (with so little evidence). I think the best counters are ofc working on your confidence, but also finding people who are able to freely communicate with you about their emotions. It can be so reassuring when you build up that rapport with your person. Getting to a place where I can trust the people in my life to let me know if I've upset them is a win-win, it's helped me avoid a lot of passive aggression
Something else i wanted to add from a personal stand point, for me, with self harming it was ALSO a way to show people how much pain i was in inside. It was putting a face to the pain so people could see it.
A way to try and get them to validate that your pain is real
Can’t you just say it without cutting yourself??
@@KaraLey98 people usually don't believe you bc they're not feeling your emotions themselves
Give it to God he loves u more then any human
@@maeb1280 I certainly believe other ppl when they say they are in pain!! It’s hard to believe others don’t believe opl just because THEY DON’T FEEL IT!
I am 40 and was recently diagnosed. All the pain and suffering my whole life finally makes sense and there is so much comfort in that. I am starting a DBT program soon and I’m really looking forward to it. Thank you so much for making a video like this with compassion and understanding!
WOO!!! Good stuff!! Wishing you all the best on your recovery
@@whatnana Thank you so so much!!!!! You made my day.
Thanks Dr.K
I appreciate having a mental health professional who didn't immediately stigmatize or be repulsed by BPD.
I was diagnosed in my 20s and after the diagnosis, everything in my life made sense down to how and why I was reacting to things in the way that I did. After getting a diagnosis and treatment, so many things become better. Even when I'm going to have an episode, I'm able to communicate that I'm going to have an episode and I make sure to...it's cliche but I tell my husband it's not you it's me lol. I've also been hospitalized because of my BPD, and the treatment that I received there helped immensely.
Having my husband and friends who are great support systems have helped and also leaving a toxic work environment (I was in the Navy for 6 years) and then finally admitting to myself what I was good at instead of trying to go for what was profitable helped even more in getting a grip with my BPD and "finding myself." I'm 29 right now and I am the happiest and most stable that I have been in years.
I know how hopeless it can seem. But bruh, despite my disorder I was able to do 6 years in the Navy, I've had my best friend that I've known since 5th grade, a few weeks ago I was literally on the phone with another friend for 5 hours, I've been married to my husband for 5 years, and I'm almost done with my bachelor's degree in creative writing. We can do this. We can live a full and fulfilling life, have close relationships, have a stable romantic relationship, and pursue our dreams. You can do this.
I hope people watch this video and know that not all people with BPD are villains. And I hope people with BPD watch this and realize they're not a lost cause.
ty
Thanks. I have felt like a lost cause at times. But when I make new memories and enjoy the process of life I forget about any sort of idea of mental illness.
I'm a guy with BPD and I want to say, I was a total wreck 3 years ago, on the edge of suicide. I have been in a stable relationship for 3 years now and been getting regular therapy sessions for 2 and there are no words that can convey or describe how much better I feel and function now.
Do you get angry and take it out on others ?
I am also a male who suffers from BPD I was in a long term relationship (would be six years on the 25th and she left me on September 15) the relationship was really good and I was actually feel long term happiness and quit my harmful tendencies but once she left it got worse and I’m struggling to find anything that brings me back to feel anything I’m happy that therapy is helping you
@@heythere6983Do you kick puppies?
How do you know that you got better? How do you know that you’re not depending on her? How can you make sure that you’re not feeding yourself a lie?
Same. 25-35 was Hell. Still living alone but finally stable. The anger and irritability was a thing for me - always looking for reasons to be angry.
The nerves on fire from overwhelming emotional input is definitely relatable. And it’s like the pain is so intense that it keeps you from being able to talk through it.
This video is very informative and validating. I really wasn't sure exactly what my issues were/are until now. Oddly I've gotten so much better in the past 15-20 years using mindfulness and meditation and a few other things. There are times I feel uncertain rather than insecure. But I certainly was always in the trainwreck instant relationships and the pain was unbelievable. And I could not get across to anyone just how much it hurt. Being called overreactive only made it worse. One thing that helped me very much and still does is a book called The Four Agreements and for learning mindfulness in the beginning I had a copy of The Power of Now. Thanks for this video.
Thank you for first describing what BPD feels internally. I teared up when you talked about the strong emotions. Because yeah, sometimes it feels like hell on earth, when I suffer, but sometimes it also just hurts knowing, that the person I love will never be able to love me back as strongly
Oh yes… the last part. I constantly wanna break up with my boyfriend because I can’t stand that I love him so terribly much, knowing he can’t love me back that way.
I’m doing pretty good with my BPD because I worked really hard for years to entirely understand the disorder on a deeper level and to recognize all the disordered behavior in order to eliminate it, but this love thing will never be easy for me. I just crave that strong love for myself and it feels so unfair that I can’t…
@@caitlinsomers3600 I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Caitlin. I mean, I obviously don’t know you or your boyfriend, but I just “graduated” from a 7 year course in BPD. I knew nothing at all about it when she and I met, and it was (and, frankly, still is…even after our breakup) terribly confusing, disorienting, and so on. Needless to say we went through countless cycles of breakup and reunion over the years. Guess how many times I initiated a split? Zero. I loved her deeply. Part of me still does, but I am emotionally exhausted. To the point that I can’t even imagine beginning a romantic relationship with another woman. Maybe someday?
Those with borderline personality disorder, can also have psychotic episodes, which makes diagnosis difficult.
Yes, but all the criteria can look like other disorders. We often get misdiagnosed as bipolar or ADHD. My sister is a narcissists and doesn’t know it and she thinks she is bipolar. She also doesn’t realize that our father was a narcissist. Hence why she is now. And why I developed BPD.
@@kateashby3066 You talking about misdiagnosis while backseat diagnosing someone is sort of ironic.
I’m literally crying right now. I was diagnosed with bpd the beginning of this year. Now I’m finally learning about it. This whole video has described me from the very beginning. Now I just want to know how to fix it! For years I’ve been telling my mom I just want to be normal… whatever that is. I have kids, and I really just want to be the best version of myself for them.
believe me. i’m with you esp that last part. like the want to be normal even tho you’re well liked like then you think you’re even more wrong and feel guilty… like this shit is so fucking unbelievably silently painful.
Watching this video was a life changing moment, wasn't it? I was diagnosed in 2000 at 23 years old. Had no clue until 3 weeks ago what it was. I'm now 47 and trying to reclaim life. I cried so hard when I first watched it. Like he was in my head describing me and now I finally know what is wrong with me. Amazing!
I'm going to tell you the one thing I learned over the years.... Love yourself. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself. You deserve it. And earn it.
I wish you all the best
This is by FAR the best video I've seen on BPD. I cried literally the whole way through because someone with a professional background truly understands and sympathizes with how we feel on a daily basis. Every single part hit home for me... I had to pause the video multiple times to let out a horrific cry because everything just hit perfectly.. I am currently going through the worst episode I've possibly ever experienced since being diagnosed due to another individual with BPD.... so its very refreshing to know more about myself and I guess him too, in a way that makes us understand our minds. Thank you for this video!
I have known that I have BPD for a long time and this is the most accurate description I have ever heard. My biggest problem getting help has always been that I am trying to keep my head above water and dealing with the consequences of bad relationships and quitting jobs consistently and being caught in a 17 year alcohol and drug addiction on top of it. It’s like every time I would make some progress and attending therapy I would get into a bad relationship or relapse and then I would be off the road of trying to get help for a long time. I am now at a point where I am 31 years years old and three months sober, attending AA daily and living a healthy lifestyle. I never had an official diagnosis which blows my mind because I went to rehab where there was specialists and have been in and out of therapist and psychiatric offices since I was 12 years old. No one ever diagnosed me but I know for sure I have it. Therapists and psychiatrists have always told me I am an addict with complex PTSD and moderate depression and an anxiety disorder. I am going to be getting a diagnosis soon and hoping I can finally start doing DBT consistently and stay on track.
I got diagnosed recently and while I already know most about having BPD and I agree with what you're saying, I've rarely clicked so quick on a video. I love the way you talk about it and it helps put some things in perspective.
Eureka moment! 😮 This video has helped me massively to see how much I depend on others for my sense of self-worth! To have little sense of self is like being a partially empty cup and allowing others to fill it for you, but still feeling empty! Lack of self also results in lack of self expression. Many, many thanks.
Thank you for being such a beautifully empathetic human being - im 30 yo and was diagnosed with BPD two years ago, but still struggle to understand myself...and to hear another person for the first time in my life see that struggle and not shame it, but shed light on it..ive never felt this feeling before, and im so so so so so so so so so thankful, omg thank you
A friend of mine has been through everything you’re talking about and I have increasingly realized has severe BPD. He was hooking up with an abusive partner who wanted an open relationship and he subsequently went through everything you’ve been talking about, from immediately deciding he was going to fall in love with her and that she was the one, to not being able to get over it even more than a year after, to the dissociation, self injurious, impulsive behavior. When we last spoke he informed me he was seeking help for his condition and I sincerely hope he has. He’s always had struggles, but over the last few years h his fear of abandonment ramped up to 11 and I’ve watched him tragically retreat from the world and dissociate from everything outside of his house. Outside of his room.
I’ve had to take a step back due to a lot of very unhealthy habits that the two of us got into that began damaging my personal life, and a strong sense that I was holding him back from growth and that we were growing in different directions. There are multiple factors I won’t get into here.
I still love him and miss him and hope he is getting the treatment he needs.
thank you for this. I have BPD and I've struggled to understand what BPD is and how it affects me. and watching this was incredibly eye-opening because you were literally talking about me. it was so spot on it freaked me out a little bit but then I finally felt like I was understood by someone and I can understand myself more from watching this. I need help BIG time. I'm 36, an alcoholic and a substance abuser. I have been self-harming since I was very young, I'm talking 8 years old. I was self-harming before I knew what it was to self-harm. I don't like being around people. I don't leave my apartment very often. I have terrible anxiety and I suffer from panic disorder, I constantly fight panic attacks, it's extremely exhausting. I also have chronic depression and I have CPTSD to top it all off. I'm a mess and the thought of treatment is terrifying having to go through all the stuff I hold on to but then I think I go through it daily so whats the different? In the end, I may have more control over everything that I go through or have been through. I have no idea who I am when I see myself in the mirror, that's why I avoid looking and when I look, most times I wanna smash the mirror. I really want to be free! I really want to know what it truly feels like to be happy and content in the world that I see through my eyes.
end rant.
BPD/ADHD/Anxiety/Depression here. Abandonment was a huge problem because my dad left when I was 8 and with no contact until I was 14. I’ve also tried dating several times and never got to the first date except one time.
I don’t think I’ve matured in this area because my response now when someone chooses to walk away, I let them without any fight. It could be anybody. A part of me thinks it’s easier that way, but also leaves me wondering if I truly cared about them (I don’t socialize much so lack of touches = blunts feelings of needing them.
I got diagnosed with BPD last week.. you really described BPD well especially for such a complex disorder. You put the audience in their shoes and your examples make it so much easier to understand
I also watched your narcissism videos and convinced myself i was a narcissist.. felt so confused.. but this video really helped me put everything together if that makes sense. Thank you 🙏
Wow this was really helpful to understand my behaviors. I was recently diagnosed so I'm still struggling to remain in control. But learning about BPD and therefore being more aware of what's going on helps pull me out of my own head and look at things differently, with less self hatred. Also I had no idea there is hope to get better!! Soo relieved
I have BPD and work as a middle school counselor. As strange as it sounds I think being surrounded by constant emotional turmoil has helped ground me a bit! You can’t teach teens to regulate their emotions without being able to identify the coping mechanisms yourself 😅
You shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children and if you gave two shits about their well-being you'd resign immediately. But who am I kidding. Middle school counselors are the lowest form of life on the planet. How many pedophiles are you protecting at your school?
Same! I teach high school and I relate to them so much. I'm so protective over them because no one ever prrotected me.
Not "strange" at all! I'm sure you're great!
I have been researching BPD for about 2yrs now and I have to say that this was by far one the most straightforward and informative videos I’ve seen. It really helped me to understand some things I’ve been experiencing but couldn’t explain. Thank you !
I felt so understood throughout this video that it brought tears to my eyes.